Editorials, CommentsHumor, Features Spokane $resft CMtonal $age Spokane, WashingtonSept. 27, 1910

Published every evening by the Spokane Newspaper Co. Telegraphservice furnished by United Press.

116 Division Street » &J.Entered at Spokane, Wash., as Second Class Matter.

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Poor Plucked Chanter!Poor Bob Clianler! Poor Bob Chanler! This is what

New York is saying of the distinguished New Yorkerwhom Cavalieri has plucked.

Were it the case of an old fanner visiting the metropolisand investing his all in gold bricks, New York would haveenjoyed a hearty laugh and thought a bit more of thefellow who disposed of the bricks. Had it been a caseof a western investor being skinned in Wall street, NewYork would have said it was all in the way of business,you know, and her sympathy wouldn't have taken even thesmall form of a return ticket for the victim.

But this is the case of a real seasoned New Yorker hav-ing his leg pulled and tied in a double bow-knot at theback of his neck, and. such fellows being a little smarterand more sophisticated than any others on earth, NewYork feels hurt and goes to "pooring" the silly victim.

But the rest of the world will say that it served Chanlerright and will have sympathy for him when he takes ashovel or some other honest tool and goes to work diggingout another fortune.

"Poor Bob," with all his New York experience, married,under a bill of sale, a woman with a Cleopatra record. Shewarned him that she did not love him. She required himto turn over to her his property before marriage. Therewas no deception, no misunderstanding. She had her priceand he paid it. Like most of the international marriagesfor title's sake on one side and freedom from debtors'prison on the other, it was simply the social evil sanctionedby a legal or a church performance, and all outside NewYork will do no whining because the woman made a beau-tifully thorough clean-up of the money involved.

Poor Bab Chanler, indeed! It is a satisfaction to seeone of those smart Aleck New Yorkers, who think thatmoney can enslave American manhood, and buy evendecent womanhood, skinned to his last dollar, for suchskinning means more wise men and may even add to thelist of thoroughly useful citizens.

TEN MINUTES ENLAND OF STORIES

THE HONEST COUNCILMAN.

By Stuart B. Stone.When "The Honest Councilman"

died there was great grief in thecity. He was the only one amonghundreds of grating councilmenwho was unanimously acclaimed bythe citizens as honest.

Immediately following "The Hon-est Councilman's "death the poorerclasses of the city began an agita-tion to erect a fitting manumentto his memory. Such a movement.

"AND IS THAT THE BESTMONUMENT IN THE STATE?"ASKKI) THE HEPORTER.it was felt, would be peculiarly ap-propriate. "The Honest Council-man." a few years before his death,had framed a secured the passageof an ordinance whereby the city,at its own expense, erected a hand-some stone tombstone. Instead ofthe customary board affair, at thehead of every pauper's grave.

But just as the movement waswell afoot, "The Honest Council-man's" will was read. In it therewas a clause which declared thathe bad made all arrangements forthe erection of a tombstone at thehead of his grave. A live young re-porter immediately made a tour ofthe city's tombstone dealers audfinally came to one particularlyprosperous establishment Just in-side the door be saw the aged pro-prietor chipping away at a verymeager stone. The reporter glancedat this stone and saw that it wasintended for "The Honest Council-man."

"Thenyou are the man withwhom 'The Honest Councilman'Bade arrangements for his tombatone?" the reporter asked.

The man nodded.Te reporter glanced around the

room and saw a large number oftombstones designed for paupers'graves.

"Ah!" the reporter ejaculatedagain, "you bold the contract fortarnishing the city with the pau-pafs* stones?"

"res,- the man replied. "TheHonest Councilman' got It for me."

While the man was speaking thereporter had nicked up oae of the\u25a0?iters teashetoiias. To the re-garter's s-rprtse, the ob*et wa

I not stone at all, but cement clever-Ily disguised.

J "That's 'The Honest Council-Iman's' idea," the man explained,j"He gave me the contract with the;condition that we divide on whatwas cleared by this scheme, andthat I also contract to put up overhis grave, at his death, the bestmonument in the state."

"And is that the best monumentin the state?" asked the reporter,pointing to the poor stone uponwhich the man was working.

"Well, not exactly," the man re-plied. "But, you see, 'The HonestCouncilman' made a mistake in hisfigures when I made that contractwith him. There'e haven't beenas many paupers die, and conse-quently there haven't been as manystones needed as he said therewould be."

"Oh!" ejaculated the reporter.And the tombstone proprietor re-

sumed his work of carving out theinscription upon the small stone:"The Honest Councilman."

Best Poker Story ThatTaft Heard in

1910FORMER GOVERNOR OF IDAHO

WILLING TO BET ON HISHAND IF GIVEN A

QUEEN.

BEVERLY, Mass., Sept. 27.?President Taft describes this as thebest poker story he has heard thisyear.

A former governor of Idaho wasplaying euchre with Isaac Isaac-son.

"If I was playing poker," saysIsaacson, "Id bet $10 on thishand."

"Well," says the governor, "Ifyou will give me a queen I'll betyou $100 on my hand."

Isaacson gave the governor aqueen, meantime smiling patroniz-ingly on the four kings which heheld. When the betting was overIsaacson laid down his four kingsand reached for the money.

"Softly!" admonished the gov-ernor revealing four aces and pock-eting the stakes. Isaaceon gazedsorrowfully at the statesman thenasked:

"Say. governor, I don't mind themoney, but ! wish you would tellme what In hell you wanted of thatqueen?"

This story was told to the presi-dent as illustrating the game ofbluff ascribed as being piayed byone prominently in the public eyeat present

ALTON, 111., Sept. 27?Oncemore It has heen demonstrated thefat man has all tho best of it. ChanLeder owes his life to the fact heis rotund. He attempted to Etepfrom his launch to the Alton dockand slipped. But for his extraordlnarlly large girth he would havetaken a plunge into the Mississip-pi. But he didn't. His body waswedged between the boat and thelanding and willing hands dragged>blm to safety

I^BEL*©UP6LARj Aovice toAvbnveiv 'JThis is the first of four articles, written especially for the

women readers of The Press by a burglar of wide experience,now serving time In the state prison at Walla Walla.

His first story tells how the burglar selects a house to be en-tered, and describes some safeguards. Other articles will dealwith "Getting Into the House," "Searching the House," and "Dis-posing of the Loot."

"Bill" gives us more real information than was ever beforerevealed by a professional burglar. He tells us all he knows,with the single stipulation that his real name be withheld.?

\u25a0iiiamiwMi?sbbw

B YBILL THE BURGLAR.Suppose I was to ask you how

long ft takes a harness broke burg-lar to get Inta house and gothrough It?

Youd kind of laugh and say:"Well, about half an hour."

You'd be way off. It takes any-where from two days to twoweeks. A burglar takes days,sometimes, to get everything downpat, and makes sure there's no"chance of slipping up.

A burglar isn't a tramp. A bumburglar may be, but a good oneisn't.

Tip No. I?Don't trust strang-ers around your house no mat-ter what kind of good clothesthey wear or how polite theyare. Don't take chances.The first thing one of us fellows

does after reaching a town is tomake tracks for the swell resi-dences and size things up. Out inthe tony parts of town there aren'tany coppers because there aren'tany drunks to pick up or anyfights. Most of us fellows won'ttry after any kind of a house ex-cepting a two-story one, or one ofthese apartments.

A burglar is always looking outfor open cellar windows. You seelots of them held open with a littlestick to ventilate the basement. It'sone of the easiest ways of gettinginto a house on record.

Tip No. 2?Keep those cellarwindows closed and bolted atnight.There's only one trouble with

getting into a house this way. It'seasy enough to get in but it's a stiffproposition getting out of the placeif you are caught before you canget upstairs and open an outsidedoor.

People seem to think that ifthey've got screens on their win-dows nobody can get in. They leavetheir windows open all night long.Did you ever see how a screen Isput on? It's put on from the out-side and all that holds it in placeare a few littleknobs. All a man'sgot to do is to take off the screen.It's a cinch. Screen'll keep outflies, but they won't keep out burg-lars.

Tip No. 3?Have your screensfixed up with inside locks or

AFTER THE SHIPWRECK

Mermaid (ecstatically)?At last something I can wear!

Yea, Percy, The Thlnng Is Insurgent.

Vol. I, No. 9. Early In the Morning. Price 3V« Beans.

CHANLER CAVALIERIDEPARTMENT

Samson Joins the In-Bab Club.SOREK, Asia Minor, Sept. 27.--

The Chanler affair has nothing onus. Paris and Mew York can't touchthe Samson-Delilah affair.

Samson was one of the youngbloods of theseparts and wascarrying thingswith a high headuntil he met De-lilah? the firstfeniade barber ?who could not hehappy until shehad swiped hisbirthright. Sainput her off with

subterfuges, but at last in her mostbewitching manner, she said, "Howcanst thou say I love thee,' why thyheart is not with me?"

Stung by this reproach, andurged on by luscious lips and vel-vety embraces, Samson impartedthe secret of his strength.

He is now trying to forget Deli-lah and grow a new crop of hair.

STUNG BY MRS. POTIPHAR.CAIRO, Egypt, Sept. 27?It's a

pity that decent folks can't get intoprint when they have a scandal.

Us folks dowu here have beenhaving a raging scandal some time,but there ain't been r word In yourpaper, which Is full of pictures of'hat Cavalier! person.

Joseph, who came down here atthe Instance of his brother to get ajob on a street car, slipped on abanana peeling and became theslave of Potipher Instead.

Just as he was beginning to makepood on the job, Mrs. Potlphar cutloose on the googley eye thing. Al-though Joey fell for the game atfirst, he afterwards fought shy ofan entangling alliance. Mrs. Pottpber told some mean stories to herhusband, and Joseph Ih bow tryingto tunnel out of the town jail.

ET TU CLEOPATRA?ALEXANDRIA, Sgypt. Sept. 27.--

Editor Daiiy Thing?Noticing that

your readers like a hot scandal onceIn a while, I am passing around ourlatest one here.

The goat happens to be MarkAntony, a young Roman punch, andthe winner Cleopatra. Here's whathe did out of love for her:

Forget he had a wife of his own.Overlooked Cleo's shady past and

became the near father to Caecar'ssou.

Lost his fortune in battle.Lavished money on champagne

suppers.Went to war with his friend Oc-

tavinanus.Killed himself and died In Cleo's

arms.Come again, Bob!

J. BIXBAKBR.P. S. ?Caesar just cabled, "Who's

looney now?"

HISTORYInsurgents. Standpatters.

Moses. £h"aoh "r Hallinger.LaFollette. glnConscience. Charles I.Cromwell. Railroads,j v I,awler.T. i . » George 111Poindexter. gatanO. Washington. Cannon. *Martin Luther. Slavery. 'Norris. Pillory. [Lincoln. Ood o' T lagsPilgrim Fathers.as They AnQueen Progress. "Establisl d"Suffragels. Order.Union Labor. Capital.Temperance. Whisky.

IMMORTAL TOMS.

Paine, Johnson, |Thumb, Tom, Jef-ferson, a Itempis, Peeping, ThePiper's Son,Jones, Hardy,Tit, Boy, ?ato.

IMMORTAL OICKB.Dead wood. Diamond, Halllii- ?

I 111., Crocker, Lion Hearted, Turpin.

WORLD'S WHEATSURPLUS IN 1910

140,000,000 BU.LONDON, Sept. 27? The de

mand and supply of the world'swheat has been computed by grainauthorities here, country for coun-try, and according to the figuresnow available, the world's produc-tion of wheat this year is 140,000,---000 bushels in excess of the de-mand.

Here are the actual, or estimated,quantities of surplus in the leadingwheat producing countries over thedemand of each country for its ownannual need. These amounts willbe available for exportation:

Bushels.Russia 176,000,000Roumania and Bulgaria 96,000,000United States 92,000,000Canada 60,000,000Austria-Hungary 36,000,000Chile, North Africa, Tur-

key 14.000,000Argentine 116,000,000Australia 48,000,000India 64,000,000

Total surplus 702,000,000The requirements of the non-

wheat producing countries wITIreach 562,000,000 bushels, and willbe divided as follows:

Bushels.Great Britain 218,000,000Germany, Belgium and

Holland 136,000,000Italy 48,000,000France 48,000,000Switzerland, Greece and

Scandiuavia 40,000,000Asia 72,000,000

Total 562,000,000The difference of 140,000,000

bushels represented by the excessof the surplus supply over the ex-tra demand will probably be storeduntil next year.

have them screwed to the cas- <ing.

Whenever a house has a screenedor vine-covered porch, a burglar canget at the front door and workaway at the lock without anybodyseeing him from the street. Lotsof burglars are so clever aboutpicking locks that they just singleout a house with a vlny kind of aporch rather than go in througha window. I'll tell you somethingabout locks so you can fix yourdoors almost burglar proof. Thenyou can screen up the porches andplant all the vines you want to.

This is a kind of a new-fangledage. Everything's got to be up-to-date. These new two-tumbler locksare pretty and look safe, but they'rejust like an open book to the burg-lar who knows. Kitchen doors areeven worse. Wh'en a man builds ahouse, he soaks $3 or $4 on a fancylock for his front doors and buysa 50 cent one for his back door. Ican get into nine out of ten kitchendoors with a piece of wire or askeleton key.

PENCIL POINTSOlln W. Hill, age 40, Carnegie Deposit Co., secretary, says he never

kissed a girl until a week ago. They'd believe him, too, if he hadn'tadded that a Seattle girl finally fetched him.

Washington's nice little milk trust had just announced a raise inprice beyond the reach of the poor, on the ground that cows weren'tgiving milk, when a prosecuting attorney said a few kind words andthe cows went to spouting the lacteal most gloriously.

Oklahoma News man is so hot after the clairvoyants that they can'teven tell at their very best "sittings" whether they'll be in jail or thegulf of Mexico tomorrow.

'Nother new island has popped up out of the ocean In the Aleutiangroup. Gracious! is that 11 alley's comet throwing islands at us?

Long before she married Chanler, Cavalier! publicly announced thatshe would not marry for love. The hymeneal aitar In a church is noplace for a bride like that.. She should be put on an auction block.

Too bad that Cousin Bill Bryan can't let go of that county optionbear long enough to tell us what he thinks of Teddy's "new nationalism."

Eleanor Ladd, first woman to earoplane, says It fills the brain withcomplex emotions and the body with nervous tingllngs. Oood enough.But say, Eleanor, did you ever button up your wife's dress in the back?

EVER TRY EXERCISINGWITH A BIG, HEAVY LEDGER?

If you should happen to look ina down-town window and see ayoung man raise a big, heavyledger over his head with bothhands as if he were going to brainsomebody, do not be alarmed, forhe is not going to do violence toanyone. Above all, do not thinkhim mentally unbalanced; for be itfrom such. He may have a look ofgrim determination on his features,but believe me when I say that inall probability he is innocent. Thefact of the matter Is that he istaking part of his daily exerciseand is using his ledger iv lieu of aset of dumb-bells. It is really sur-prising how much exercise a heavyledger will give you in a short

while. It doesn't take long to getyou panting, particularly after sit-ting over a desk all afternoon. Iwatched a bookkeeper In a Poststreet window the other day. Hismind was so Intent upon what hewas doing that he failed to noticeme and I stood there an interestedspectator for two or three minutes.His system would have done creditto a professional physical culturist,and it opened my eyes to the possi-bility of ledger calisthenics.

A thick, heavy ledger and a littleelbow room to swing it in willreally go a long way toward keep-ing you In good physical conditionas well as stimulating your circula-tion and keeping your head clear.Try it.

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Prospective Purchaser?You claim your land is fertile.How fertile is it!

Farmer?Why, it's that fertile the cemetery associationrefused part of it for a gift?afraid if they'd plant peoplein it they'd come up.

THE NEW HONESTY"lam surprised that you speak of the rich Mr. Swag-

man as perfectly honest."But, my dear man, he's only been indicted, not con-

victed."

THE OLD PROVERB"I see the census willenumerate the head of cattle in

the United States. "Will it also include the poultry!""Nope. You see, they can't count their chickens before

they're hatched."

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