Material inspired by

‘The DNA of

Relationships’ by Dr Gary Smalley

What we

FEAR can control us

What are your biggest

relationship….

1. Fears

2. Mistakes

3. Desires

FEAR

DANCE

I react

I fear

I want

You hurt

I hurt

You want

You fear

You react

Step 1. You hurt

What does your hurt look like?

Think of the range of emotions you feel

when you are wounded:

e.g. bewilderment, sadness,

disconnection, anger, confusion, worry,

rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment…

Step 2. You want

When you hurt, you want things that will make you feel

better.

You see the other person both as your problem and as

your solution:

You think, ‘If only… my spouse would change…I had

a different boss … they would accept me….she would

just stop doing that……..’

The end of that sentence is always……. ‘then I could

be happy’

ACCEPTANCE I want to be warmly received

without condition

LOVE I want to feel I am someone others are

attracted to

CONNECTION

I want to be united to others

VALIDATION I want to be valued for who I am

COMPANIONSHIP

I want deep, intimate relationships

RESPECT I want to be admired and esteemed

SUCCESS I want to achieve or accomplish

something

HONOR I want to feel like a priceless treasure

SELF-DETERMINATION

I want to have free will

COMMITMENT

I want to have security in relationships

UNDERSTANDING I want to be known

SIGNIFICANCE I want to have meaning and purpose

WORTH I want to feel important and valued

by others

SAFETY I want to feel protected and secure

TRUST I want to have faith in others.

JOY I want to feel satisfied and happy

Want - ACCEPTANCE

Fear - REJECTION

Want - LOVE

Fear - BEING SCORNED

Want - CONNECTION

Fear - DISCONNECTION

Want -VALIDATION

Fear - INVALIDATION

Want - COMPANIONSHIP

Fear - LONLINESS

Want - RESPECT

Fear – FEELING INFERIOR

Want - SUCCESS

Fear - FAILURE

Want - HONOR

Fear - FEELING DEVALUED

Want - SELF-DETERMINATION

Fear - POWERLESSNESS

Want - COMMITMENT

Fear - ABANDONMENT

Want - UNDERSTANDING

Fear – BEING

MISUNDERSTOOD

Want - SIGNIFICANCE

Fear - FEELING

UNIMPORTANT

Want - WORTH

Fear - WORTHLESSNESS

Want - SAFETY

Fear - DANGER

Want - TRUST

Fear - MISTRUST

Want - JOY

Fear - UNHAPPINESS

Step 3. You fear

Most of our deepest desires stem from

two basic wants:

1. Connection

2. Control

Therefore our deepest fears are:

1. Losing connection

2. Losing control

Step 4. You react

If you are like most people, you consciously or

unconsciously fall into well-worn patterns of reacting

when someone pushes your fear button.

- You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt.

- You’ll do anything to avoid the feeling of want.

- You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.

It’s not merely your core fear that injures your

relationships, it’s how you choose to react when

someone pushes your fear button.

Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal

with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our

relationships.

1. Withdrawal You retreat and avoid

resolving the issue, often

using ‘the silent treatment’

2. Escalation

Your emotions spiral out of

control; you argue and can

become physically or verbally

aggressive

3. Defensiveness

Instead of listening you

defend yourself by providing

‘an explanation’ for things,

often shifting blame away

from yourself

4. Manipulation

You use controlling behaviour to

try and manipulate the other

person to your own advantage

5. Sarcasm

You resort to devaluing

and name calling in order

to dishonour and bring

shame

6. Clinginess

You develop an unhealthy emotional

attachment or dependence on the

other person

7. Passive-Aggressive

You display negative emotions

in passive ways such as

procrastination, ignoring,

moodiness or stubbornness

8. Acting Out

You engage in negative and

inappropriate behaviours such as

drug taking, drinking, flirting, taking

risks, etc.

The fear dance is not about

the external, it’s always about

the internal.

YOU CAN CHOOSE

HOW YOU THINK AND REACT!

Think about the ‘reaction’ you’ve

been given to discuss:

1. What is a better way to

respond instead of choosing

this reaction?

2. What kind of response could

you give if someone reacts

this way towards you?

New Dance Steps….

1. Take control of your thoughts, feelings and actions

2. Don’t give others the power to control your feelings

3. Don’t create unrealistic expectations of others

4. Choose forgiveness