sf book 2 script (28) - safefood song: hey everybody (air). see book 3 for props suggestions. ......

Script

ScriptBook 2

The complete script is provided in this book. Themusic score and a cd of the songs are provided in aseparate folder.

1

The Hands of DoomBook 2: Script and music

2

Valbrand

The hero/heroine of the play. Initially Valbrand starts out as lazy and shiftless, whose

posture is like a piece of well-cooked spaghetti. He/she is reluctant at first to

become involved in the quest for the cure, but eventually says yes. Valbrand grows

more determined as the play progresses and ends as the hero/heroine of the piece.

The Hands of Doom Cast list/Dramatis personae

Angwish

Known as Angwish the bewailer, the soothsayer, who can predict nothing but

doom, doom, doom. Nonetheless, Angwish is a great help to Valbrand, giving him

the magic Talisman and advising him at the end. Angwish must portray an air of

mystery and power at all times, even when moaning.


Strifeborn

The king or queen of Laxity. A short-tempered monarch very much removed from

everyday affairs. Tends to look with scorn on most of his subjects.

Thok

The royal herald, a person exceedingly boring who will never use one word where

a whole dictionary can be used. Everybody else is very impatient with him. He is

totally pompous.

3


Big Bugsy

Is the boss bug of all the bugs, sprawling and foxy. Big Bugsy has a very modest

ambition: he wants the entire world to be sick through the spread of bacteria, by

dodgy hygiene practices and will stop at nothing to achieve this aim. Big Bugsy at

all times presents an air of malevolent power.

Hygenie

Is the genie who can only be released from the bottle when it is rubbed with clean

hands. Hygenie is light footed and moves rapidly and with grace from one spot to

the other. Hygenie is the voice of conscience, a sort of Jimmy Cricket to Valbrand’s

Pinocchio.

Minor bugs 1 and 2

Surround Big Bugsy and have large ugly grey cloaks, which they spread behind

their master.

Sam and Ella

Sam has no personality, and no existence, without Ella. Likewise, Ella cannot exist

without Sam. Both of them are the sidekicks of Big Bugsy; they are evil personified

and dedicated to the spread of disease at all costs. Though on the surface they

seem friendly, underneath they are slick, slippery and endlessly scheming.

Gertrude

Is Strifeborn’s daughter. Determined, though sweet, and probably the last thing she

wants to do is be married to Valbrand. But because her father insists, will probably

make the best of it.


A Tree

Is one of the chorus of trees who gets to do a small solo bit. For fairness, this part

could be swapped around on different performances.

The Chorus

The Chorus who play villagers, trees and lesser bugs are hugely important. Their movement and their very presence in

the performing area help to define the setting in a way that no painted flats or canvas can do. They must play their

parts with determination, energy and total focus.

4

5

Hands of Doom

ACT 1Scene 1 The Inner Cave

BIG BUGSY sits surrounded by MINOR BUGS. The MINOR BUGS are two in number and have large ugly grey cloaks,

which they spread behind BIG BUGSY. SAM and ELLA are in attendance. ALL extend their hands, palms forward and

whisper:

ALL (Whisper) The Hands of Dooooom, the Hands of Doooom, the Hands of Doooom! (Voice-over effect)

BIG BUGSY Well done, my beastly and obnoxious bugs. Are you ready, Sam and Ella, to spread the

most loathsome sickness?

SAM We are, master.

ELLA We are.

SAM Unclean hands!

ELLA Unclean hands!

SAM/ELLA Everybody we touch will be CON-TAM-IN-ATED.

BIG BUGSY Go forth then and with the Hands of Doom, spread the illness far and wide.

Scene 2 The Village of Laxity

The Villagers, in apparent exuberant spirits and good health, sing and dance the opening chorus.

The opening chorus features everyone shaking hands with everyone else.

It is a lively and boisterous routine with the emphasis on the ‘Pass it on element’

Chorus Song: Put it there (Air S Club 7, Don’t Stop Moving)

THOK Yeah Come on

CHORUS Laxity is grooving to the Boogie, Woogie Beat

Laxity is grooving to the Boogie, Woogie Beat

Let us get the party started - we are out of sight

Shaking hands and grooving to the rhythm that’s inside

It’s a crazy world - lets enjoy the big celebration

Simply “Put it there”

High five to the music

Flowing through us everywhere


6

Low five to the Boogie Woogie

We don’t even care

It’s the place to be

Lets enjoy the sense of occasion

Simply ‘Put it there’

Lets go with the magic baby

Happiness is there in your eyes

(Happiness is there in your eyes)

Put it there – stop the waiting

High fives with the villagers is where you’ve gotta let it go

Don’t stop moving can you feel the music

High fives got us going around – round

Don’t stop grooving find your own way to it

Low five to the music

Taking you to places that you’ve never been before

Put it there

Laxity is grooving to the Boogie Woogie Beat

Laxity is grooving to the Boogie Woogie Beat

Put it there

Enter THOK THE HERALD. While THOK holds forth, the chorus suspends its dance and listens with ill-concealed

impatience to his ramblings.

THOK Ladles and gentlespoons, allow me to introduce to you, the citizens of LAXITY,

an everyday fairy tale village with people dressed as you can see in funny hats.

We are a happy people.

THOK looks at them. Draws a deep breath and repeats with emphasis.

THOK We are a happy people.

THE CHORUS springs into action.

CHORUS Oh yes! We are a happy people!

THOK clangs his HAND BELL.

THOK Enough. That’s enough. As I was saying, we are a happy people ruled over by

the good, the just, the kindly, the incompetent King Strifeborn the fifth.

MUSIC Fanfare. (Possibly done vocally by chorus)



STRIFEBORN and his ATTENDANTS make a stately entrance. Prominent among the attendants are SAM and ELLA,

dressed as ROYAL COOKS. STRIFEBORN pauses centre stage.

STRIFEBORN Good morning.

CHORUS Good afternoon.

STRIFEBORN Good night.

THOK Well, that’s another day over.

STRIFEBORN proceeds off. Prominent also is VALBRAND, an easygoing guy/girl.

THOK He’s not a bad King as Kings go. A bit thick, but that’s Kings for you.

Do you see your man – the guy yawning? His name is Valbrand.

VALBRAND gives a lazy wave.

VALBRAND Hi there.

THOK (ASIDE) He is lazy. So lazy that he makes a snail look like a scud missile.

Now may I introduce the Royal cooks – Sam and Ella! They haven’t

got their own TV programme yet, but they’re hoping.

SAM and ELLA now take over. Their singing is a little more downbeat and sinister.

SAM/ELLA Song: Hey Everybody (air). See Book 3 for props suggestions.

SAM/ELLA OK Villagers lets put those hands together

Yeah lets put those hands in the air as we go

Hey everybody (Hooh!-Ha!)

I wanna know if you’ll shake my hand

SAM 2-3-4-5-6-7-8



(Aside) When we see them walking down the street

They’re the sort of victims that we like to greet

All so happy shaking hands

They’re spreading Germs throughout the land



ELLA Come on everybody in the village, yeh!



7


Shake their hand and talk to them

Spreading strains of bacterium

Spores on fingers, incubate

Like Bugsy says Contama – Contaminate

Then we turn and do as we please

Content to spread contagious disease

Spores on fingers – incubate

For Bugsy’s sake we contaminate


I wanna know how your feeling now

SAM Ella our germ warfare is in the passing it on phase





ELLA Contamination is the name of the game – pass it on



SAM/ELLA Bugsy will be pleased




As the CHORUS goes through the song and hand shaking business again, the entire action, including the song

begins to slow down. This is reflected in the “hooh-ha” effect on the vocals and the slow motion effect of the

CHORUS getting sick and staggering around.

SAM Isn’t it a lovely sight, Ella.

ELLA Quite gladdens the heart, Sam.

SAM and ELLA go into a soft-shoe shuffle routine. THOK very concerned bustles forward and rings his bell.

THOK Oh Yez, Oh Yez, Oh Yez.

CHORUS (GROANING) Oh No, Oh No, Oh No

THOK Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Hear Ye. Our land is in danger...

THE CHORUS groans and gets sick.

8


THOK Every day our citizens get sicker and sicker.

THE CHORUS gets sicker and sicker.

SAM and ELLA rub hands, then give one another “high five”.

THEY show their hands straight out front. (They exit)

SAM/ELLA Behold! The Hands Of Doom! The Hands Of Doom and gloom!

THOK Disease stalks our gentle land like some ravenous beast. (ASIDE) I do this rather

well, don’t I?

CHORUS Get on with it!

THOK Suit yourselves. His Royal magnificence, Strifeborn the Fifth has announced a

Huuuuge Reward…

VALBRAND A wha’?

THOK A Huuuuuuge Reward to anybody who will seek out the Elixir…

VALBRAND Seek out the wha’?

THOK The elixir.

VALBRAND shrugs blankly

THOK Something that will cure this illness.

VALBRAND And what’s the reward?

THOK The hand of his daughter, Gertrude, in marriage.

VALBRAND Gertrude?

THOK The beautiful Princess Gertrude. Gert for short. Forget the rude bit. A lovely

girl. They say she’s a bit temperamental.

VALBRAND I know. Fifty per cent temper, and fifty per cent mental.

THOK It has to be you.

VALBRAND Why me?

THOK Watch.

THOK turns to the CHORUS who are groaning on the ground.

THOK Up!

THE CHORUS attempts to rise, but fall all over the place groaning.

VALBRAND See what you mean.

THOK And there’s a ginormous reward as well.

VALBRAND Oh that’s definitely for me.

THOK The journey is long and arduous.

VALBRAND Long?

THOK Very long.

VALBRAND Arduous?

THOK Exceedingly so.

VALBRAND I’m not so sure.

9


THOK The dangers are many and perilous. (ASIDE) I really do this very well, don’t I?

CHORUS Shut up!

THOK Suit yourself. (TO VALBRAND) Well, are you up for it?

VALBRAND weighs the ups and downs.

VALBRAND The Princess, and loads of money. Long and arduous journey.

Dangers many and…?

CHORUS Perilous.

THOK Oh yes.

VALBRAND Oh no. I don’t think so. I mean I’m so busy. I’ve to bath me budgie, Hoover me

hamster and persuade me performing fleas.

THOK Persuade them to what?

VALBRAND Perform.

VALBRAND hops (imaginary!) fleas up his arm.

THOK But listen here to me.

CHORUS will provide rap style vocal percussion backing

THOK (SINGS) YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE (RAP TYPE). See Video.

You can make a difference

When the chips are down


In this little town.

When you know you’ve got to do

What you really got to do.

When your head tells you

And your heart tells you.

And you know it’s right



You can show your worth


Here on planet earth.

VALBRAND Okay, I’m up for it.

THOK and THE CHORUS exit the performing area singing.

CHORUS (reprise YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE)

10






AD LIB repeat to time.

VALBRAND Now there’s a right mess I’ve let meself into. I’ve to get to - what was the

place called again…

THOK runs on.

THOK Ecolia

THOK runs off again.

VALBRAND Thank you. Ecolia. But where is it?

THOK runs on. Points off left

VALBRAND Thank you. And then….

THOK runs off again.

VALBRAND Hey. Come back. You haven’t told me how to get to it?

VALBRAND waits expectantly. Nothing.

VALBRAND I said: (LOUDER) How Do I Get To It?

VALBRAND cups his ear optimistically. VALBRAND shrugs and is about to exit when he is stopped in his tracks by: -

ANGWISH (off) Oh Woe, Woe, Woe!

VALBRAND (tentatively) Hello?

ANGWISH (off) Oh Woe, Woe, Woe!!

VALBRAND (to audience) Did you hear anything?

ANGWISH comes on, hands outstretched.

ANGWISH (off) Oh Woe, Woe, Woe!

VALBRAND Woe yourself. Hold on there. Who are you?

ANGWISH I am Angwish. Truth to tell, Angwish the Bewailer, they call me.

VALBRAND I wonder why?

ANGWISH points a long and bony finger at VALBRAND

ANGWISH Beware, beware. Oh beware. Young Valbrand give me your palm and I will tell

your future.

VALBRAND extends his palm. ANGWISH takes it by the fingertips.

ANGWISH Ugh! Yuck. You haven’t washed your hands.

VALBRAND What has that to do with anything?

ANGWISH More than you’d imagine.

11


VALBRAND But nobody washes their hands around here.

ANGWISH Your entire future is in this dirty hand. I see plague, infestation, blight,

calamity, evil, pestilence and a withering of the land.

VALBRAND You see all that in my hands?

ANGWISH In anybody’s hand, if they don’t wash them.

VALBRAND But I’m supposed to go to Ecolia and pick up … what’s this I’m supposed to

pick up?

THOK races on.

THOK The elixir.

VALBRAND Thank you.

THOK Don’t mention it.

THOK races off

ANGWISH Oh Woe, woe and thrice woe. The path to Ecolia is fraught with danger. Danger,

it is fraught with.

VALBRAND So that’s it. I’m doomed.

ANGWISH Verily you are. Unless…

VALBRAND Unless?

ANGWISH Unless you possess the magic talisman.

VALBRAND No problem. And who has this magic talisman?

ANGWISH: I do.

VALBRAND Right. So where or what is this magic talisman then?

ANGWISH produces a small object – we don’t see what it is yet – wrapped in wolf skin.

VALBRAND What is it?

ANGWISH Something that may save your life.

VALBRAND feels the package.

VALBRAND Yuck ! This has hairs on it.

ANGWISH Truth to tell, this is a hairy thing.

VALBRAND (Handing it back) I don’t like it.

ANGWISH Keep it by you. Truth to tell, it may well save your life.

VALBRAND Right then, I’m on my way.

ANGWISH Go, go, and woe, woe be with you.

ANGWISH exits, moaning.

VALBRAND puts the TALISMAN into his BACKPACK.

VALBRAND Ugh, I hate hairy things. But it will help me to find the Elixir.

So here we go.

VALBRAND heads off. Enter Sam and Ella

SAM/ELLA We’ll see about that.

12


SAM May the trees confuse his mind

ELLA May the trees...

SAM/ELLA Flip flop him.

SAM We’ll make sure he’ll lose his way

ELLA Our job is to...

SAM/ELLA Stop him!

Scene 3 The Forest

THE CHORUS, now as TREES, weave their way onto the stage.

SAM and ELLA also join them, and are prominent.

They carry, perhaps, branches and leaves, which they wave as they whisper –

CHORUS We are the trees of the Magic Wood

The plague of all your endeavour

Your brains we’ll scramble

As forth you ramble

And you’ll be lost forever.

CHORUS repeats verse faster and faster until it is a gabble and they pause on the last line…

CHORUS We are the trees of the Magic Wood

The plague of all endeavour

Your brains we’ll scramble

As forth you ramble.

And you’ll be lost forever.

VALBRAND enters and stands on the edge of the forest. He scratches his head.

VALBRAND Now, which way should I go? Is it this way? Or is it that ? Or maybe through

the middle?

SAM (WHISPERS) Hello.

VALBRAND (LOOKING AROUND) Who said that?

ELLA (FROM THE OTHER SIDE) Hello again!

VALBRAND Who’s there?

ELLA I am Ella.

SAM And I am Sam.

SAM/ELLA We are Sam and Ella, your friends. Aren’t we? (to the audience)

13


VALBRAND Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

SAM/ELLA Oh no.

SAM If we had met such an intelligent...

ELLA Not to mention good-looking young person

SAM/ELLA We would have known it. Now…

SAM What’s…

ELLA ….your problem?

VALBRAND I need to get to the country of Ecolia.

SAM/ELLA Yeeeeees.

VALBRAND To find the elixir.

SAM/ELLA Yeeeeees.

VALBRAND But I don’t know which path to take.

SAM It’s very simple.

VALBRAND will attempt to follow the directions, getting ever more lost in the FOREST.

THE TREES turn and turn about in a confusing pattern, changing the FOREST all the time.

SAM All you do is two steps forward and three steps back.

VALBRAND Two steps forward and…

ELLA Three back.

VALBRAND Sounds like the government. (OR LOCAL REFERENCE)

SAM Remember…

ELLA Two steps forward.

SAM/ELLA And three steps back.

VALBRAND Got ya. Ready when you are.

SAM and ELLA will clap the beat out as they give directions.

SAM/ELLA Ok close your eyes.

ELLA Take two giant steps as you face the North.

SAM Now three steps back and then turn South.

SAM/ELLA Two to the East, turn on your heel.

SAM Three to the West – it’s no big deal.

ELLA Three to the North, and slowly turn.

SAM As you back two steps to the East again.

SAM/ELLA Now Slowly… Slowly… open your eyes.

As they say this, SAM and ELLA slowly fade into the background of trees.

VALBRAND arrives back to the place whence he departed.

VALBRAND Oh great. Great. Back where I started. I knew there was something odd about

that pair. Sam and Ella indeed. I’ll remember them in future. Now what am I

supposed to do?

14


THE TREES begin to whisper.

CHORUS (WHISPERING) Listen to us, listen to us.

VALBRAND Now what is it that I’ve forgotten? Tell me, oh trees?

CHORUS (WHISPERING) The talisman, the talisman.

VALBRAND The wha’?

One of the TREES walks up to him impatiently. Taps him on the shoulder.

TREE The talisman, dork. That thing in your bag.

VALBRAND Ah now I remember. The talisman. Of course. The hairy thing.

VALBRAND takes the talisman out of his bag. Handles it carefully.

THE TREES begin to HUM on a rising and falling scale. Improvise.

VALBRAND throws the wrapping onto the ground.

VALBRAND Home boy, home.

The WRAP whisks off between the TREES, which part to let it pass. See Book 3 for prop suggestions.

Inside the wrapping is A SMALL CERAMIC VASE.

VALBRAND holds it up.

VALBRAND This is it? This is the famous talisman? I think I’ve been conned. Little use this

is. I’d better think of a plan.

VALBRAND sits down, laying his head on his backpack.

Scene 4 The Inner Cave

BIG BUGSY sits surrounded by MINOR BUGS.

The MINOR BUGS are two in number and have large ugly grey cloaks, which they spread behind BIG BUGSY.

THOK is in the corner of the performing area.

THOK It’s me again. The inimitable, the inevitable, the one and only…

BIG BUGSY Oh get on with it.

THOK Ahem. Here we are in the abode of Big Bugsy. A tad squalid if you ask me.

BIG BUGSY Nobody asked you. Now get on with it.

THOK Hmm. It is where it all happens, so to speak. Where all the bugs begin.

Where plots, as well as bugs are hatched. Not a nice place really, but to

each his own, I suppose. And incidentally…

BIG BUGSY shows small chest with LXR painted on it.

THOK Where the Elixir is hidden.

SAM and ELLA enter. Bow low.

BIG BUGSY Sam and Ella. My two most important bugs. How are things going?

SAM Things are going well, Big Bugsy.

ELLA Very well, Big Bugsy.

15


SAM People all over Laxity are sick. Nobody washes their hands anymore.

BIG BUGSY Good, good.

ELLA And getting worse every day.

SAM Pains in their tummies.

BIG BUGSY Good, good.

ELLA One minute they’re shaking with cold.

BIG BUGSY Brrr. I like it.

SAM The next they’re sweating with a fever.

ELLA And soon, very soon…

BIG BUGSY Yes, yes.

ELLA All the country will be...

BIG BUGSY Yes, yes?

SAM/ELLA In a bad way.

ALL THE BUGS SING

BAD BUGS (BUGSY’S SONG FROM BUGSY MALONE: BAD GUYS)

We could've been anything we wanted to be

But don't it make your heart glad

That we decided, a fact we take pride in

We became the best at being bad


With all the talent we had

No doubt about it, we fight and we tout it

We're the very best at being bad guys

We're rotten to the core

My congratulations no one likes you any more

Bad guys, we're the very worst

Each of us contemptible, we're criticised and cursed

We made the big time, malicious and mad

We're the very best at being bad


We took the easy way out

With little training, we mastered complaining

Manners seemed unnecessary

We're so rude, it's almost scary

16


We could've been anything that we wanted to be

With all the talent we had

With little practice, we made every black list




Scene 5 The Forest

Trees re-enter. VALBRAND wakes up.

VALBRAND Oh I give up. I can’t think of a way out of this. I need something to eat.

VALBRAND takes out a sandwich and is about to eat when he remembers:

VALBRAND I nearly forgot. Always wash your hands before eating, as me mammy

always said.

VALBRAND goes to side. Mimes washing hands.

VALBRAND finishes sandwich.

Returns and washes hands again.

VALBRAND takes out the VASE.

VALBRAND And this was the thing that was supposed to help me. Fat lot of use it was.

Wonder what it’s made of?

VALBRAND rubs VASE. HYGENIE appears.

VALBRAND Who are you when you’re at home?

HYGENIE I am the Spirit of the Vase. My name is Hygenie.

VALBRAND Hi Genie?

HYGENIE Hi Valbrand. I am at your service.

VALBRAND Hang on. Let’s get this straight. YOU are at MY service?

HYGENIE My name is Hygenie, and I am here to help you get what you want, when you

want it.

VALBRAND So why didn’t you come to my aid before this?

HYGENIE What did you do before I appeared?

VALBRAND Rubbed the vase.

HYGENIE And before that?

VALBRAND I - eh --- I washed my hands?

HYGENIE That’s it. Magical things happen when you wash your hands.

VALBRAND I want to get to Ecolia.

HYGENIE Your wish is my command. Follow me.

TREES reprise chorus of YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

17



When the chips are down


In this little town.

When you know you’ve got to do


When your head tells you

And your heart tells you.

And you know it’s right






TREES in a choreographed sequence, part, reform and part again as VALBRAND follows HYGENIE back and forth

through THE TREES. THE TREES close around them as THOK takes up position ringing his bell.

THOK Oyez, oyez oyez

CHORUS Oh no, oh no, oh no.

THOK Suit yourselves. Get on with it then.

THE TREES pull back to reveal: -

Scene 6 Big Bugsy’s Hang Out

SAM and ELLA and BIG BUGSY are very happy. THEY shake one another’s hands in a choreographed sequence.

BIG BUGSY Well done, both of you. Amazing results. Our little bugs are spreading.

Once more, well done.

THEY shake one another’s hands again. VALBRAND enters. HYGENIE is at his elbow.

VALBRAND Excuse me. I say. Excuse me.

BIG BUGSY Why what have you done?

SAM and ELLA and BIG BUGSY fall around laughing.

VALBRAND I have a problem.

BIG BUGSY Have you indeed?

VALBRAND My name is Valbrand.

BIG BUGSY I can’t do anything about that. I’m afraid you’re stuck with it.

VALBRAND (INDICATING HYGENIE): And this is…

18


HYGENIE stops him.

HYGENIE C’mere, c’mere, c’mere. (HAULS VALBRAND ASIDE – WHISPERS TO VALBRAND)

They can’t see me.

VALBRAND Sorry? They can’t see you? Hello?

HYGENIE Don’t ask. Trust me. I’m a genie, a hygenie.

Certain people just can’t see me. Just remember.

VALBRAND accepts this. Nods, and returns to BIG BUGSY & CO.

BIG BUGSY Do you often do that?

VALBRAND Do what?

BIG BUGSY Talk to yourself.

VALBRAND Just until I get used to new people. Now, I am hoping you can help me. I am

looking for the Elixir.

BIG BUGSY What’s the Elixir?

VALBRAND The cure for the mysterious disease that is spreading at home in my country.

BIG BUGSY We might be able to help you. (TO SAM and ELLA) Might we not, my friends?

SAM We’ll do everything in our power…

ELLA To help you spread.

SAM/ELLA We mean cure. Cure the disease.

BIG BUGSY But first – let’s have something to eat.

VALBRAND I’m starving.

BIG BUGSY (INDICATING to SAM and ELLA) These, by the way, are my associates - Sam and Ella.

SAM How d’you do.

ELLA And how d’you do.

SAM/ELLA And how d’you do again.

SAM and ELLA shake Valbrand’s hand and each other’s hands again and again.

THEY end up giving each other a “high five”.

BIG BUGSY beams in approval.

BIG BUGSY Let’s eat.

VALBRAND is about to sit down when HYGENIE grabs him and whispers in his ear.

VALBRAND First I must wash my hands.

SAM Nonsense!

ELLA Rubbish!

BIG BUGSY Fiddle-de-dee!

SAM Balderdash!

ELLA Stuff and Nonsense!

BIG BUGSY Poppycock!

SAM Fiddle-faddle!

19


SAM/ELLA Codswallop!

BIG BUGSY My dear Valbrand. There is no need.

VALBRAND checks with HYGENIE who shakes his head ‘NO’.

VALBRAND No, I really want to wash my hands.

BIG BUGSY There is no… em?

SAM/ELLA Water.

BIG BUGSY Exactly. There is no water nearby. It’s filthy stuff anyway. Have you any idea

what it does to your hands? Takes away all the natural oils. And anyway….

(LOOKS TO SAM AND ELLA FOR HELP)

SAM We don’t have…

ELLA Any water.

SAM and ELLA display bucket.

SAM/ELLA Look. Empty.

THEY pick up a jug and turn it upside down.

SAM/ELLA Empty.

VALBRAND Well, I suppose in that case.

VALBRAND rolls up his sleeves when HYGIENIE pulls him aside.

VALBRAND What?

BIG BUGSY He’s talking to himself again.

HYGENIE Bring me the jug.

VALBRAND carries the jug over. Shows it empty. HYGENIE makes a magic pass over it. See Book 3 for prop

suggestion.

HYGENIE I say the magic words – Triskadekaphobia… And boxing gloves.

VALBRAND What has boxing gloves to do with it?

HYGENIE Not much. It just adds punch to the line.

HYGENIE gives Valbrand a playful punch to the shoulder nearly knocking him flat.

HYGENIE Now, watch.

HYGENIE now pours out a stream of water into bucket.

BIG BUGSY (TO VALBRAND) How did you do that?

VALBRAND The magic words – Triskadekaphobia and Boxing Gloves.

BIG BUGSY What has Boxing Gloves to do with it?

VALBRAND It adds punch to the line.

VALBRAND gives BIG BUGSY a playful punch.

SAM/ELLA Don’t touch him!

SAM and ELLA lift BIG BUGSY UP as VALBRAND washes his hands.

VALBRAND sits down.

SAM and ELLA bring him a sandwich. It is the most awful looking sandwich you’ve ever seen. Dripping with revolting green glop.

VALBRAND (LIFTS AND SNIFFS) What’s in the sandwich?

BIG BUGSY Bits and pieces.

20


SAM Odds and ends,

ELLA Snippets and scraps.

BIG BUGSY Eat up. Dig in.

VALBRAND is about to take a huge bite when HYGENIE whips it from him and pulls him up.

VALBRAND What? What?

HYGENIE Don’t you know anything?

VALBRAND It’s only a sandwich.

HYGENIE It been sitting there all day. Even the flies wouldn’t touch it. There are enough

bugs in that to make an entire family throw up. Just say you’re not hungry.

Look at it, for heaven’s sake.

BIG BUGSY What’s going on? This Valbrand character keeps talking to thin air. (SHOUTS)

It’s only a few bugs.

VALBRAND I think I’ll leave it ‘til later.

HYGENIE throws it from him, and THE SANDWICH crawls offstage. See book 3 for prop suggestion.

BIG BUGSY There’s nothing wrong with a few bacteria, if that’s what’s worrying you.

SAM Bugs aren’t bad.

ELLA Microbes are not monstrous.

VALBRAND I’m tired. It’s been a long day. I think I might take forty winks.

BIG BUGSY (TO SAM and ELLA) Watch him, I think he’s up to something.

CHORUS in background sway and hum: ‘GO TO SLEEP MY BABY’

ALL FOUR –BIG BUGSY, SAM, ELLA and VALBRAND sit back to back, supporting one another as they prepare for sleep.

COMEDY BIZ as VALBRAND goes to rise, the others flop forward, and he resumes his position.

VALBRAND tries to hold them with his hands as he turns and twists trying to rise.

HYGENIE watches them shaking his head.

The COMEDY BIZ is played for as long as it holds.

Finally HYGENIE walks over and holds Big Bugsy, Sam and Ella, allowing VALBRAND to rise.

VALBRAND starts looking for the elixir. He finds various bits – (1. COOKED CHICKEN, 2. RAW SAUSAGES).

To each one he holds up, HYGENIE shakes his head: NO

HYGENIE Cooked food, and raw food together no way. Food left uncovered out of the

fridge? Very dangerous.

Finally, VALBRAND holds up a small box marked LXR.

HYGENIE shakes his head YES. VALBRAND hurries over to him.

21


VALBRAND Are you sure this is it?

HYGENIE Let me see.

VALBRAND hands it to him. Big Bugsy, Sam and Ella slump to the floor, and waken in the process.

As BIG BUGSY, SAM and ELLA try to sort themselves out, they fall over one another in the process.

VALBRAND Look out. They’re awake. What’ll we do?

HYGENIE Leg it.

HYGENIE and VALBRAND race off, leaving the ELIXIR box behind. HYGENIE stops.

HYGENIE The Elixir.

HYGENIE and VALBRAND race back.

They grab the box just as the others lunge for it. There is a certain amount of bumping heads and falling over one another.

THE TREES appear, making HURRY MUSIC vocally.

Finally HYGENIE and VALBRAND make their escape into THE TREES.

BIG BUGSY Valbrand can’t escape. Valbrand mustn’t escape. If the secret gets out if means

the end of our bug culture as we know it.

SAM No more Sam

ELLA No more Ella

BIG BUGSY No more Sam’n’Ellla. No more any of us. We shall be defeated. So seek and destroy.

SAM Seek

ELLA And destroy.

More CHASE MUSIC as HYGENIE and VALBRAND make off through THE TREES, followed by BIG BUGSY, SAM and ELLA.

Scene 7 The Forest

THE TREES will form a square pattern by holding hands. Each time a TREE turns through 90° they effectively set up

a new path so that once VALDABRAND and HYGENIE pass they effectively cut off the passage.

THE CHASE ends with VALBRAND and HYGENIE exiting offstage, and BIG BUGSY, SAM and ELLA being surrounded by

trees. All get offstage as THE TREES need to re-costume as CHORUS OF VILLAGERS. See Book 4 for further

explanation.

Scene 8 The Village

THOK enters clanging his bell.

THOK Oyez, oyez, oyez. All villagers must assemble in the village square to greet the

return of our hero, Valbrand. Come on you dozey lot. All out, all out.

THE CHORUS straggle on, not well, still ill. STRIFEBORN arrives.

THOK Your Majesty.

STRIFEBORN Oh don’t talk to me, I’m dying the death here. Oh me poor tummy.

22


THOK Never fear, Majesty, help is at hand. Ladles and gentlespoons, would you

welcome please, fresh from his triumphant tour to Ecolia, the one, the only…

STRIFEBORN Oh get on with it.

THOK Valbrand, your Majesty.

VALDBRAND enters to cheers. HYGENIE is with him, but is invisible to the rest.

VALBRAND Hello folks. Look, I’ve got it. The Elixir.

VALBRAND displays the small box.

STRIFEBORN This?

VALBRAND That.

STRIFEBORN What is in this box will cure my people of this mysterious disease?

VALBRAND checks with HYGENIE who nods ‘YES.’

VALBRAND Absolutely, Majesty.

STRIFEBORN Well go on then. Open the box.

THE CHORUS stretch their hands out and intone –

CHORUS Open the box, open the box.

THOK steps out and rings his BELL.

THOK Valbrand the Brave will now open the box and thus reveal for the first

time ever…

STRIFEBORN Oh shut up, Thok. Open the box.

There is a moment of tremulous and palpable excitement.

THE CHORUS moan a mounting SCALE.

Into the background creep BIG BUGSY, SAM and ELLA.

VALBRAND places the box on the ground and opens it very carefully. The LIGHTS dim (IF POSSIBLE) and out of the

box shines a green light. See Book 3 for prop suggestions.

CHORUS (EXCITEMENT) Ooooooooo!

VALBRAND carefully places his hand into the box and removes A SMALL BOTTLE OF WATER, and A TABLET OF SOAP.

CHORUS (DISAPPOINTMENT) Ooooooooh!

STRIFEBORN This is the magic lotion and the magic tonic?

VALBRAND The very thing, Majesty.

While the crowd wait expectantly, Strifeborn dons A PAIR OF SPECTACLES and reads out from the labels.

STRIFEBORN (READING) Pure clean water.

STRIFEBORN shoots a glance at VALBRAND. Then reads the label on the soap.

STRIFEBORN (READING) Soap.

THOK Soap?

STRIFEBORN Soap.

THOK And water?

STRIFEBORN Soap and water.

BIG BUGSY roars with laughter. SAM and ELLA pick up on this.

23


BIG BUGSY Ah ha ha ha ha!

SAM/ELLA Ah ha ha ha ha!

BIG BUGSY Soap and water!

SAM Soap...

ELLA And water!

SAM/ELLA Ah ha ha ha ha!

THE CHORUS laughs weakly along with them.

STRIFEBORN (TO VALBRAND) Are you serious?

VALBRAND looks at HYGENIE for help.

BIG BUGSY It’s a joke, a huge joke. He’s playing a joke.

VALBRAND But this is the Elixir. I know it is.

BIG BUGSY Ignore this fool, Majesty.

VALBRAND I don’t understand. (TO HYGENIE) You’ve got to tell them.

HYGENIE They can’t see me. Until they wash their hands they can’t see me!

VALBRAND But who can help me then?

From the side, ANGWISH comes bemoaning everything.

ANGWISH Oh woe, woe and thrice woe.

VALBRAND Angwish. You got me into this. Tell them: this is the Elixir.

THOK rings bell for attention.

THOK Oyez, oyez, oyez. Angwish the Bewailer is about to bemoan something.

All gather around.

STRIFEBORN Speak, Angwish. (TO VALBRAND) This better be good.

ANGWISH Woe, woe and thrice woe on all, if you do not use the Elixir.

STRIFEBORN Soap and water?

BIG BUGSY Don’t listen to him, Majesty. He is a few bugs short of a total plague.

ANGWISH Oh beware of the bugs!

STRIFEBORN Bugs? Where?

VALBRAND All around you, Majesty.

BIG BUGSY This is nonsense. Don’t listen to him.

VALBRAND Hygenie, help me.

HYGENIE (WHISPERS) There are thousands and thousands of germs and bugs even on your hand.

VALBRAND (OVERLAPPING) There are thousands and thousands of germs and bugs even on your hand.

HYGENIE (WHISPERS) Some of them are no harm, but many of them are dangerous and can make

you sick.

VALBRAND (OVERLAPPING) Some of them are no harm, but many of them are dangerous and can make

you sick.

HYGENIE (whispers) Even the germs on one finger alone could make you sick.

VALBRAND (overlapping) Even the germs on one finger alone could make you sick.

24


BIG BUGSY points at STRIFEBORN.

BIG BUGSY Listen to me, your Majesty.

VALBRAND Don’t point that finger at his Majesty. It’s loaded.

STRIFEBORN So what can we do?

VALBRAND looks for help to HYGENIE who slips in and holds up the SOAP and WATER.

VALBRAND Soap and water. That’s simple. Just wash your hands in soap and water.

BIG BUGSY Oh no!

SAM/ELLA This could be the end of us.

VALBRAND starts to wash his hands as he sings:

VALBRAND (SINGS) NO MATTER WHAT THE VIRUS. (AIR: NO MATTER WHAT – BOYZONE)

CHORUS/PRINCIPALS No matter – No matter – No matter – What

No matter – No matter – No matter – What

Let’s fight bugs – forever – no matter what

No matter what the surface

Bacteria will attack

Infest and spread diseases

Unless we all fight back

No matter what the virus

No matter what the germ

Wash hands with soap and water

Hi genie will return

You can’t deny a life of grime

Contaminates your rooms

Use water and detergent

Defeat the Hands of Doom

SAM/ELLA We bugs are always scheming

And spreading germs and colds

Sometimes with simple handshakes

Sometimes polluted moulds

CHORUS To stop the bugs from spreading

And causing great dismay

One splash with germicidal

25


Will send them on their way

Hi Genie keeps you safe and strong

And sheltered from these thugs

Just wash with soap and water

Eliminate the bugs




Hi Genie will return

Please wash your hands before you eat

To make them clean as new

And wash them every time – you

Pay visits to the loo


Contaminates your room

VALBRAND sprays VILLAGERS with water and soap is handed around (fill an empty cleaning fluid bottle with

water).


Defeat the hands of doom



BIG CHEER from CHORUS at end.

STRIFEBORN comes forward with GERTRUDE in tow. THOK hands him the BAG OF MONEY.

THOK Stand forth, Valbrand, to receive your reward.

STRIFEBORN Valbrand, you have given us the secrets of good health. I now give you the

hand of my daughter, Gertrude.

VALBRAND goes to take Gertrude’s hand. It comes away in his hand: (i.e. it is a FALSE HAND)

GERTRUDE Ha, ha ha. My little joke.

VALBRAND And I suppose you’re your father’s! Ha ha ha.

STRIFEBORN And here is your reward.

VALBRAND Oh thanks.

26


THOK Don’t spend it all in the one shop now.

HYGENIE The greatest reward anybody can have is good health.

STRIFEBORN Who’s that?

VALBRAND (TO HYGENIE) They can see you?

HYGENIE My name is Hygenie, and I can only be seen when you do all those things that

make a difference to your life.

THOK And those horrible bugs have been destroyed…

BIG BUGSY That’s what they think.

SAM But remember…

BIG BUGSY I’ll be back.

ELLA If you don’t wash your hands.

SAM/ELLA We’ll be back. With The Hands Of Doom.

At that point Valbrand sprays bugs and chases bugs off stage.

Reprise (SINGS) NO MATTER WHAT. (AIR: NO MATTER WHAT – BOYZONE)

ALL No matter – No matter – No matter - What

No matter – No matter – No matter – What

Let’s fight bugs – forever – no matter what

No matter what the surface

Bacteria will attack

Infest and spread diseases

Unless we all fight back




Hi genie will return


Contaminates your rooms



CHORUS Those bugs are always scheming

And spreading germs and colds

Sometimes with simple handshakes

Sometimes polluted moulds

27


CHORUS To stop the bugs from spreading

And causing great dismay

One splash with germicidal

Will send them on their way

Hi Genie keeps you safe and strong

And sheltered from these thugs

Just wash with soap and water

Eliminate the bugs




Hi Genie will return

Please wash your hands before you eat

To make them clean as new

And wash them every time – you

Pay visits to the loo


Contaminates your room


Defeat the hands of doom



ENTIRE CAST mingle with audience, and repeat SONG to time, while maybe handing out information leaflets. See

Book 5.

FINAL CURTAIN

28

sf book 2 script (28) - safefood song: hey everybody (air). see book 3 for props suggestions. ......

Documents