Signs of Infidelity

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Contents

The Ten Signs of Infidelity ..................................................................................................................3

May I offer another possibility? ..........................................................................................................4

What are the signs of an affair? ..........................................................................................................5

So how do you save these marriages? ................................................................................................7

More on How to Deal with an Affair in your Marriage .........................................................................9

Ask Yourself This Question ............................................................................................................... 12

Things NOT to Do ............................................................................................................................. 13

Things to Do .................................................................................................................................... 14

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The Ten Signs of Infidelity

Ten signs that your spouse is involved in an affair…and ten things to do about it

Divorce breaks the hearts of those involved - couples, children, parents, friends, church,

and the heart of God. One of the greatest underlying events destroying marriages today

is adultery. The following is a frank and spiritual message on how to save a marriage after

an affair.

My fervent passion is in saving marriages and making them healthy and holy again. I

encourage you to at least make a commitment not to remain at a disinterested distance

when couples you love have their lives coming apart.

So let's get started.

To better understand extramarital affairs, I sorted them into three categories.

1. The Short-Lived Affair lasts from one night to several months and is primarily

about sex. Subcategories included Revenge Affairs, Affairs of Opportunity (at the

right place at the right time to do the wrong thing), Self-Esteem Booster Affairs,

and more.

2. The Allowed Affair has become more prevalent with the graying of morality in our

culture. It was once called "Swinging" and now its participants just call it "The

Lifestyle."

3. The most difficult kind of affair to overcome is the Relationship Affair. It typically

starts as friendship that evolves into shared emotions and eventually shared

bodies. Those in Relationship Affairs usually are in love with each other. Madly in

love.

This is why so many Relationship Affairs lead to divorce - no matter how strongly you tell

the person that s/he is sinning and no matter how hard the abandoned spouse tries to

save the marriage. Because of such passages as Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9,

churches usually grant the offended spouse the right to start over with a new mate, and

few blame him or her for moving on with life.

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May I offer another possibility?

Wouldn't it be better for everyone - the cheated, cheater, children, church, and

community - if there were a way to rescue the straying spouse, heal the hurts, and guide

husband and wife back to a marriage of love and commitment? We in the marriage

business know that if a marriage survives an affair, it will be stronger and more loving

than it was before the affair.

Salvaging a marriage when a spouse is in love with someone else usually isn't

accomplished by pointing the adulterer to scripture, logic, or consequences. If I had space,

I'd explain why. The short version is that they are driven by strong and compelling

emotions that they're convinced you don't understand. Therefore, they disregard you,

along with your Bible, lectures, and piety. Very often they'll even tell you that God sent

the lover to them.

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What are the signs of an affair?

There are many signs of infidelity. Short of being caught, most are not conclusive in

themselves, but as they begin to add up, they make a strong case that something is

definitely amiss. Though it would be impractical to list every potential sign, these are

some:

1. Your spouse’s appearance (body shape, fragrances, or dress) has improved

recently

2. Money is unaccounted for

3. Time is unaccounted for

4. Cell phone bills are hidden and/or your spouse spends time on the phone where

you cannot hear

5. Facebook or email accounts are protected from you

6. Your sex life recently changed (either more or less),

7. You discovered that your spouse told you they would be one place and you

discover they were in another

8. Your spouse drifts from happiness to sadness to dreaminess to irritableness

9. Your spouse starts telling you that you are “crazy” or confused when you question

things

10. Your spouse gets defensive when you ask about a certain person, activity, or time

period

The first thing to do if you suspect your spouse of infidelity is to discover if s/he really is

or if you are being overly suspicious or paranoid. I recommend the direct approach, “I

need you to reassure me. Maybe I’m just feeling vulnerable, but I’m starting to worry

about our relationship. Will you help me by making everything transparent for the next

couple months so that I can find inner peace? Let me ask questions and see things and

the like. I’m not accusing you; I’m asking you to help me with my fears.” If the spouse

agrees, check bills and locations and those things randomly…but not too much or you’ll

cause other problems with your spouse feeling trusted. If your spouse becomes

defensive, angry, or indignant, it may be wise to start doing some checking on your own.

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If you become convinced that your spouse is being unfaithful, get a wise third party to

help you think through what to do next. Get that person’s opinion of what you’ve

discovered. Before making any accusations, be as sure as you can be that you are right. If

necessary and you can afford it, hire a detective. If you aren’t sure enough to make that

step, maybe you need to rethink what you think you know.

Finally, once you are sure, get together a group to do an intervention. If you intervene,

be sure that you have a course of action in mind as to what should happen next. Successful

interventions conclude with a call to a specific action; for example, “We want you to agree

to go through one of Marriage Helper’s programs,” or “We’ve set up an appointment with

this counselor…” We have an in-depth intervention document explaining .

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So how do you save these marriages?

Based on my experience, I suggest the following to the abandoned spouse and to all

attempting to help:

1. Believe that an affair, even an exceptionally strong Relationship/Love Affair, is not

necessarily the end of a marriage. It may be, but it doesn't have to be. Don't give up.

Keep praying and doing the right things, no matter how hopeless it may seem.

2. Don't beg, cajole, or attempt to manipulate the adulterer. S/he is already emotionally

on edge; emotional actions from you exacerbate the situation. Be firm, but always loving

and calm.

3. Don't try to convince him or her that the lover is a bad person or primarily responsible

for the affair. That might work in a Short-Lived Affair. However, it typically causes a person

in a Relationship Affair to develop an "us against the world" union with the lover.

4. Drag out any divorce proceedings as long as possible. The intense emotions involved

with being "madly in love" last anywhere from six to thirty-six months. Though the

straying spouse may become angry and try to manipulate the abandoned spouse into

divorce ("I'll make things tougher for you if you don't go along with me ..."), the

abandoned spouse should be strong, endure the other's wrath, and drag it out as long as

possible. There is a very real possibility that the abandoning spouse will eventually lose

the intensity of desire to be with the lover. Don't give up!

5. The abandoned spouse should demonstrate his or her ability to survive and prosper

without the abandoning spouse. S/he must concentrate on physical, mental, emotional,

and spiritual health. This accomplishes two things. 1) The abandoned spouse needs this

for him- herself. 2) The abandoning spouse often is drawn back to the abandoned spouse

when s/he continues to be strong and self-sufficient.

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6. In fervent prayer, ask God to bring chaos, financial distress, and anything else He will

do to cause pain as a result of the sinner's actions and to create circumstances so that it

is difficult for him or her to continue in the affair.

7. The abandoned spouse should procure an attorney that will protect his or her rights,

finances, and the like. The attorney should make the divorce as painful as possible -

financially and otherwise - to the abandoning spouse while still protecting the interests

of the abandoned spouse. Expect the abandoning spouse to react with anger. However,

making sin have strong negative consequences is the right thing to do.

8. The church should practice discipline, though in our day and age that hasn't nearly the

effect it had in biblical times. It's so easy now to walk down the street and go to another

church. However, if done in love and compassion, it still may have the needed effect.

9. Practice intervention. Get our ebook for how to perform a successful intervention.

10. Convince the straying spouse to take one last action before ending the

marriage. Sometimes the abandoned spouse does this by offering a concession such as,

"I'll give on this point in the divorce if you do this." Sometimes a friend, church leader, or

even the person's child may convince him or her that, for conscience sake, s/he should do

one more thing to see if there is any hope for the marriage.

In our marriage programs, we have many couples who participate because someone

convinced the abandoning spouse for conscience sake or to get some concession. Over

nearly a decade, we've witnessed one seemingly hopeless marriage after another turn

around, especially during our intensive three-day weekend. They don't have to want to

be there; they just have to be there.

Whether you use our services, your own counselors, or someone else, the message is the

same. We must not give up on marriages because we think that either spouse is beyond

rescuing. Don't give up on the power of God and what He can do if only we do our parts.

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More on How to Deal with an Affair in your Marriage

You suspected it long before you knew it for sure.

Your spouse changed but you couldn't quite explain the changes in a way that seemed to

make sense to anyone else. You thought that you were imagining things, being insecure.

Then you began to vacillate, worrying that you must be right but telling yourself that

surely you aren't. When you asked questions, the answers seemed a little too slick, too

rehearsed.

Sometimes your questions hit harder and your spouse reacted with anger or sarcasm,

telling you that you're paranoid. If you suspected a particular person, your spouse

reassured you that there was nothing going on and that this person is a friend…maybe

even your friend…and it wasn't fair to think that about them.

Finally, you made the discovery. Maybe you checked the cell phone bill, read emails,

found a note or letter in a pocket or purse, or, even worse, someone saw them and told

you about it. When you confronted, denial reigned.

But not forever.

Eventually, your mate told you that it's over between the two of you. He or she is in love

with the other person. Prepare for divorce. Cooperate and they will make things easy for

you. Refuse to cooperate and you will find yourself in a bloody legal battle. Maybe your

spouse cajoled, or threatened, in a concerted effort to keep you from telling anyone what

was happening. He or she did everything possible to keep you from going to your church

leaders, their boss, your family, your in-laws, and maybe even your best friend. Secrecy

helped them, not you, but because you thought there might be a chance to keep him or

her calm and possibly stop this nightmare, you allowed yourself to be manipulated.

Maybe your abandoning spouse had a period of hesitation. He or she tried to end the

affair, and told you that they were willing to work on the marriage. Maybe the paramour

found a way to get to him or her, rekindled the passion and convinced your spouse that

he or she will never be happy without them. If your spouse went back to the affair the

second time, it seemed to have much more power over them than in the beginning.

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By the time you broke your silence, things had evolved to an almost impossible situation.

Your church leaders tried, but had no success in righting the wrong behavior of your

spouse. They found themselves listening to how terrible it is to be married to you, or how

hypocritical they were to tell someone else to do right. They might even have heard the

startling news that God Himself sent the lover and that He wants them to be together.

Or, they might have heard that your spouse no longer believes what they once believed,

so the church folks may as well go bother someone who buys into their malarkey.

Hopeless?

No.

The fact is that even in these situations a possibility exists that the marriage can be saved

and, with time, made good again. That may sound Pollyannaish, but I've personally

witnessed it repeatedly over the last sixteen years. My faith in God tells me through His

power anything can be done. My faith in people has been strengthened by experiencing

God intervening in lives even when a person wanted God to leave him or her alone to do

what they wanted to do.

A straying partner who has convinced herself that life will be wonderful with the new

person seldom decides that before he or she leaves they should take one more run at

saving the marriage. It's much more likely that the abandoning spouse will avoid anything

that might convince him or her to stop the new relationship and heal the marriage.

However, I've witnessed case after case in which those marriages were saved, sometimes

even after the divorce took place. One couple remarried after being divorced ten years!

I don't mean to give false hope. There are marriages that are doomed and no matter what

happens, it will end and never be healed. On the other hand, for many years I've seen the

salvaging of marriages that seemingly everyone else has given up on.

Admittedly, I become frustrated with leaders or counselors who too quickly encourage

the abandoned spouse to accept that it's over and move on. Yes, that advice is sound

when there is no hope. However, my experience is that too often we don't count on the

power of God and, therefore, make premature judgments about how hopeless a situation

might be. I'll make another admission; I've gone through marriage intensives with couples

that at the end I would have predicted there was no way they would heal their marriage.

Yet I saw it work out.

Miracle?

I think that's a fairly good word to use when God's involved.

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For example, recently a couple came through one of our marriage programs for couples

in crisis that shared a remarkable story. Though highly involved in their church, she had

gotten too close to another member and that had gradually led to adultery. Neither

meant for it to happen. No one went looking for that kind of relationship. Like so many

others they didn't understand the danger and forged ahead with a friendship that was

destined to become a passion. By the time they realized they were on the wrong path,

they were so enmeshed with each other that they were convinced that the best thing for

everyone - spouses, children, church - was to divorce their spouses and marry each other.

The night she told her husband her plans, the emotion was so intense that soon she was

in a deep sleep.

He interpreted that as her not caring. The real cause of her deep slumber was the depth

of her emotional state. Nevertheless, he spent the rest of the night praying over her

sleeping body. He prayed that God would convict her heart; that He would somehow

reduce or remove the emotions she had for the other man.

It worked.

The next morning she awakened with the realization that she wanted to save her marriage

and wanted very much to get past the feelings she had for her lover. Shortly thereafter

they were in our workshop to learn how it happened, how to heal it, and how to grow in

love like they never had before.

That's the only time I've heard the story work just that way.

More often the abandoned spouse prays and prays but the abandoning spouse reacts

callously. They don't want to see the error of their actions. They don't want to face the

guilt of their wrongdoing. They seek any counsel, from Christians or otherwise, that

empathizes with their position and gives any encouragement whatsoever.

Does that mean prayer has no power?

Not at all.

It means that sometimes God works directly on a person's heart in ways beyond human

understanding, and sometimes He uses other methodologies.

Praying is powerful. So is doing the right things.

If your spouse has told you that he or she is in love with someone else, I suggest you do

the following things.

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Ask Yourself This Question

Before giving up on a straying spouse, it would behoove you to ask, "Is my spouse a bad

person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing?"

Good people sometimes do really stupid things. However, if at heart they are good

people, they are worth rescuing. It's your choice, of course, and you can tell your straying

spouse to leave and never return. Or, if he or she is a good person involved in a bad

situation, you can fight to save your marriage. Our experience is that if a good person gets

straightened out, not only can the marriage be saved, but it can be stronger and more

loving than it was before.

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Things NOT to Do

If you decide to try to save your marriage, immediately stop allowing your spouse to

manipulate you in any way. Don't make things easy for him or her. Slow things down and

drag things out even if it makes them angry.

Time is on your side, especially if you continually pray for God to intercede and bring trials

and tribulations into the sinful relationship.

At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate. It makes you less

attractive and intensifies whatever justification he or she has mentally made that allows

leaving you. Be strong. Make it clear that while you would like to save the marriage, your

life will go on and you will prosper if they don't come back.

This is very, very important.

When a person believes that you are there no matter what they do, they have no

compulsion to do right. When they see that you can live happily without them, you

become more attractive.

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Things to Do

Take care of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Your life will

not end if your marriage ends. God will still be in heaven. He will still love you. Other

people in your life who care about you will still care about you. No matter how much you

love your spouse, life can go on and be good if he or she leaves you. The time to take care

of you is NOT after the chaos has ended. You must do it now. It benefits you. It benefits

your family. And, believe it or not, it often helps bring the spouse back, though you cannot

do it for only that reason.

When you are sure that your spouse is involved in something, or with someone, that is

wrong, arrange a group to do an intervention. There are time-tested and proven ways to

do interventions. You cannot be part of the actual intervention, so pick people that he or

she respects or cares about. If your children are old enough, add them to the group; they

make great interveners. If you wish to learn more about conducting an intervention, get

our ebook for how to perform an intervention.

Share this link with everyone who will help in the intervention.

Make an offer of some benefit that will come to your straying spouse if he or she agrees

to try at least one thing to save the marriage. Pray for wisdom as to what may motivate

your spouse. Our experience is that they are unlikely to agree to a lengthy counseling

period, but that likely will agree to come to a three-day marriage intensive. People have

come to our workshop to salve their consciences, to get their church leaders off their

backs, to make the children happy, to get a better deal in the divorce, and more. Are those

good reasons to come? Any reason is a good reason. For over a decade our success record

is three out of four couples, even for those who did not want to be there and for those

who came while madly in love with someone else.

Whether you use our services, a counselor full of faith, a minister, or any other help, do

something. If you have a desire to save your marriage, act. Sitting alone while having a

pity party does nothing good for you or anyone else. You cannot make your spouse do

right, but you can make yourself get out of the dumps and back on the road of faith in the

God who speaks universes into existence. He will not abandon you, even if your spouse

does.

Your fullness of life is in Him.

Trust that.