The Sims International Film Festival is right around the corner. The Sims Weekly

World News has been preparing around the clock for our SIFF show debut. We are looking forward to all the entries to see what wonderful machinima creations all the entrants have come up with. From there it’s on to SILC, the Sims International Literacy Council. More information on that is coming but this can be said, The Sims Weekly World News will be involved in promoting that and encouraging storytellers. Everyone needs a good story, and that is why The Sims Weekly World News is here. Stories. First and foremost it’s what is done here. The inspiration for the Sims Weekly World News came from the greatest storytellers ever, those crazy people who write for The Weekly World News. Douglas Adams once said that The Weekly World News was the greatest satire on the planet, and he was right. It was only right that the Sims have their version. I hope that Sims fans enjoy it.

~ Georga

BIZZARE LAWN GNOME BEHAVIOR

Lawn gnomes have always been controversial. Some people love them while others hate them. Complaints with the local police department have been filed over lawn gnome kicking and people have been sued. Lawn gnomes are one thing that people are never going to agree on. Love them or hate them, people all over Sim City are reporting strange behavior from their lawn gnomes. This isn’t the normal gnome behavior of vanishing and reappearing somewhere else on the property. This goes much further. They have been seen involved in such activities as herding toy cows.

Scientists who specialize in lawn gnome behavior at Laandgrab Science Facility have no idea what could be causing the lawn gnomes to do this. Dr. Randall told us, “There has never been any record of lawn gnomes doing things like this. We are pretty sure that these creatures are faeries, gremlins or some other magical creature trapped in a plaster body, it’s the only thing that explains their disappearing and teleportation act. There is no explanation for toy cow herding though. We have no theories at this time.”

Meanwhile military scientists over at Fort Gnome Military Base have a different story. Admiral Barkley, head of Lawn Gnome Research and Psychology is sure that whatever is going on it has to do with the cows. “This just isn’t normal lawn gnome activity. We don’t know much about the cows, but we are sure that they

have declared the gnomes their gods.” At the Sims Weekly World News we take the stance that any theory is better than no theory, this theory does not explain other odd behaviors that people are reporting with their lawn gnomes.

Jordan Anderson reports that she was out working in her garden when suddenly she was surrounded by gnomes. “It was pretty unnerving. They just surrounded me and stood there. I had no idea what they were going to do. I was worried they were going to start kicking me. My ankles would never have survived that.”

Her brother came home from playing a game with the Llamas and found her surrounded by gnomes trying to figure out how to get out of the situation. “He suggested I kick them. I was afraid to at first but it was the only was I was going to get out of the ring of gnomes.” Jordan has since undergone treatment at Sacred Spleen Hospital

for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. “It was horribly traumatizing. I have nightmares.” Some people blame the tiberium that can be found around town, some blame the meteors that fall from the sky. “Who knows what properties the alien rocks have,” a random Sim who was protesting gnomes at City Hall said. There are others that just blame it on Sim City in general because “the atmosphere reeks of weird around here.” Until a cause and solution can be found for the weird gnome behavior, there is some general advice.

• Do not kick them.

• Do not bring home any more gnomes regardless of where you find them.

• Do not handle them more than necessary.

• Do not bring them in your house.

If you experience any weird lawn gnome activity call the Lawn Gnome Hotline at 1-888-4GNOMES.

SOCIETY FOR THE

PROTECTION OF LAWN

FLAMINGOS CALLS FOR AN

END TO KICKING

Not many people are aware that the Society for the Protection of Lawn Flamingos exists. For the most part they are a quiet group of activists working behind the scenes to spread the love of the tacky lawn

ornaments. However, they recently held a public press conference about the latest rash of lawn flamingo kicking.

“We don’t know why people insist on doing this. It’s cruel. These lawn flamingos have done nothing to anyone,” Society President, Thom Denver said. “You wouldn’t kick a flamingo at the zoo, so why kick a replica? Every time you kick a lawn flamingo you are kicking a real flamingo by proxy. This needs to stop!” Sims all over Sim City and it’s suburbs are adamant it’s nothing against flamingos. It’s just a fun harmless sport that allows people to vent frustration. The Society for the Protection of Lawn Flamingos is not buying it though. They are putting pressure on City Hall to enact fines for lawn flamingo kicking. Mayor Reynolds calls the idea preposterous. “Kicking lawn flamingos is a Sims right. Enacting fines for kicking lawn flamingos is just going to open the doors something even more absurd. Before you know it the paparazzi will have to ask permission before snapping pictures.”

WRIGHT & SIM CIRUCS

UNDER FIRE FOR

ENDANGERING THE

ELDERLY

Normally it is kids who want to run away and join the circus, not the elderly. A local senior citizen known only as Grandma Rose is working on an act that she is sure will gain her circus fame. “I have guaranteed a spot in the Wright and Sim Circus once I have playing keyboard on water mastered,” she said. Playing keyboard on water seems simple enough and easily conjures up images of someone placing a floating platform in a pool of water complete with keyboard and keyboard player. That’s not what Grandma Rose has in mind. What she wants to do is much more epic. She’s teaching her keyboard to float on water by itself. “It’s quite a simple concept really. It’s based on an idea that has been around forever and is used in almost every aspect of life when learning to do something new or teaching someone something new. I am just using it on my keyboard.” What Grandma Rose is doing is each time she sits down to play for an extended period of time, she moves her keyboard closer and closer to her pool. “Right now I have only a small portion of the keyboard hanging over the pool. It’s all about gradual

exposure. Before you know it the entire keyboard will be hovering over the pool while I play.”

Thanks to Staff Photographer Jasnik82 for the photo.

Despite having a signed contract with the Wright and Sim Circus pending mastering her floating keyboardist trick, many of Grandma Rose’s relatives think she’s gone senile in her old age. “Instead of dying of old age, the old bat is going to end up electrocuting herself.” Her grandson, David, said. “We keep trying to talk her out of this, explaining the dangers and she just won’t listen. All she does is quote dog training books at us.” Others that know Grandma Rose are convinced that the Wright and Sim Circus is praying on an elderly Sim with Alzhsimer’s. During an interview one of her teenage neighbors, Lute McKenzie, offered this, “Grandma Rose is such a wonderful person and she makes the best cookies. She’s getting old though and doesn’t always have the best ideas. It’s a shame that that Wright and Sim would encourage a stunt like this. They should know better than to exploit senior citizens

and the impairments that come with growing older.” An anonymous spokesperson for the Wright and Sim Circus told us, “Exploiting animals and people with strange, unusual or bizarre talents, despite where they came from, is what we have built the circus on. We have done this for 90 years and we aren’t about to change. “We are planning an aggressive ad campaign to help cull any negative publicity that comes from the Grandma Rose story. We also have full intentions of honoring the pending contract, which states we are not responsible for any injury or death while honing her skills outside the circus so our butts are covered legally. We’ve heard her play and the old woman has talent and should be heard. It’s just not talent the circus can use without an awesome gimmick to go with it. A floating keyboard is that gimmick.”

TIME TRAVEL RESPONSIBLE

FOR OVERCROWDING OF

SCHOOLS

Schools all over the Sim nation are experiencing an overcrowding issue that school boards are failing to address. Teachers are demanding more schools to be built and for staffing increases to happen. School expansion is based on census reports, and the census reports are not showing increased

birth rates. In fact, the number of Sims being born has decreased 2% in the last three years. Teachers aren’t buying it. Tracey Miller, principal at the Twinbrook School for the Gifted, isn’t buying it. “The school board just doesn’t want to spend the money. Birth rates may be down but we are seeing more and more kids. The school sees an average of 10 new students a week between the ages of 8 and 10, and their story is always the same. They just blinked into existence next to a time machine.

“I realize that only about .5% of the general population owns time machines, but that .5% is enough to upset the bell curve. We need more schools and we need more teachers. In the end it’s these kids who are going to suffer.” Government officials released an official statement that education funds will not be increased for more schools and teachers until a five year study is complete examining the effects of time travel on population numbers. A committee to study this was put together last week and we are assured they are hard at work

determining the focal point of the study.

METEORS FALL FROM THE

SKY, CAUSE TONS OF

DAMAGE

Thanks to Staff Photographer Lil Sapphire for the photo

There has been a reported increase in meteor activity around the Sims nation. It’s done thousands of dollars of damage and taken a number of lives. The total amount of damage that has been done has not been determined yet. Sims have been cautioned to take care when going about their daily activities because meteors can strike at any time. Sims have also been told that if they see a meteor falling to take cover and not to stand in the open watching the sky. It increases the chances of being hit. Sims Air and Space Administration scientists have no idea why there has been an increase in meteor activity but they are encouraging meteorologists to start adding meteor showers to the weather report. Meanwhile SASA scientists would like to study as many meteors

as they can get their hands on. Rocket Scientist and SETI expert Jason Agro explains, “We understand that each meteor that falls probably doesn’t have the same mineral composition as others. The only way we are going to get to the bottom of this is to study all samples and find out where they are coming from. As far as we know our planet is situated in the middle of an alien golf course.”

Thanks to Staff Photographer Jasnik82

It is no secret that the Sims Weekly World News staff has problems matching their own socks in the morning and therefore we should be the last people you look to for fashion advice. However, we are sure this is a huge fashion don’t. This spring fashion designers seem to be pushing DIY skirts made from recycled thrift store Hawaiian shirts on their customers much to their horror, and ours. Despite what your fashion designer says about these skirts being the next trend, don’t listen. If Lady GaGa won’t wear it, neither should you. Ladies, these skirts will get you laughed out of your next job interview and will guarantee you that you won’t get asked out on a second date. You don’t’ want to see guys wearing Hawaiian shirts, even in Hawaii, and they don’t want to see you wearing skirts made from recycled shirts. We don’t care how much you like the colors or the floral patterns, just don’t wear these, we beg you.

WANTED: Lawn gnomes. Any size, color or style. Will buy large collections. Call John 555-944-8874. FOR SALE: Extra large meteor. This thing fell from the sky two weeks ago and took our lawn flamingos. Meteor isn’t as colorful as lawn flamingos so it must go. Best offer. You haul. Call Sue at 555-947-7784 WOMAN SEEKING MAN: Strong silent type needed for furniture moving. Preference goes to man with six pack abs willing to work with shirt off. Reply with photo to Box #196.

PART TIME HELP WANTED: Must have good people skills and be familiar with the Dewy Decimal System. Apply in person at Divisadero Budget Books.

MISSED CONNECTION: Saw you at Divisadero Budget Books in the cooking section. You were reading 1001 Recipes for Jellyfish. I was the shy nerd watching you. Please reply to Box 10011. FREE TO GOOD HOME: Clownfish. Was previously cryogenically stored in my fridge. Been in fish take two months. Behaves like a fish should. Moving and can not take with. Call Lewis at 555-987-9898

ART CLASSES: The Will Wright Institute of Art will be holding art classes for Sims of all ages on Saturdays at 1:00pm. Visit the institute website for more information, fees and to sign up. TELESCOPE ALIGNMENT: 555-954-3621 SCULPTER NEEDED: Getting married in two weeks and need someone with experience in ice sculpting to prove an ice sculpture. Wedding theme is Alice in Wonderland. Must have portfolio. Call Sue at 555-947-7784.

TATTOOS R US: Opening soon! Artists needed for full time employment. Must have experience

with flash art and dealing with posers. Call Johnny at 555-946-5247

MAN SEEKING WOMAN: Hopeless romantic seeks fairy tale princess to share real life adventures with. Enjoys going to the theater, chick flicks and ballet. Reply to Box #985 VOLUNTEERS WANTED: Medical study to examine the effects of plasma fruit grown in tiberium rich soil. Study needs volunteers in good health. All medical expenses covered. Visit Laandgrab Science Facility.