Slide 1

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR

TEENAGER

Slide 2

AT T

HE SCHOOL

BUTOP!

REFLECT ON YOUR SCHOOL DAYS!

As parents, the influence you have on your children's lives is enormous• You shape the way they think• You affect the way they feel• You can affect their behaviour and the choices they

make• You can motivate or demotivate them to succeed• You can determine how they view the world and

themselves

ONE FEAR AND ONE HOPE FOR

MY CHILD

Spend a few minutes considering one fear and one hope that you have for your child.

AND

5

6

A hallmark of teenagers is the need to establish their independence• They want to forge an identity for themselves• This quest for a new “them” can often be a difficult period with lots of

“ messy fallout!”• The people that they often push away from are their parents as they

feel safe to do this and have been dependant on you for so long• There will be many mixed messages for a parent ( leave me alone or I

need you!)• Never underestimate the importance that teenagers place on their

friends and their need to be plugged into social media at all times• These double communications are normal with teens but can drive

their parents to distraction!

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LISTEN TO THEM – BUT IT’S SO HARD!• Listening actively to others in a way that encourages

them to talk and to feel understood (not interrupting or cueing up in your head what you want to say!)

• Responding to them in a way that makes them feel good

• Being aware of non-verbal communication - Expressing emotions clearly and openly to others, through appropriate words, facial expressions, gesture, body language, verbal language and tone

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REACTIONS • Try to understand what the feelings underneath the words are rather

than thinking about how you can respond because you are cross!• Stop whatever it is you are doing and make eye contact with them

(the power of really listening)• Try to make sure that you reflect back to them what they have said

rather than your version• Don’t dwell on the mistakes ( crosses on the reports) or something

they forgot to do. Give some positive communication and talk about their successes or a time they did get it right …what was different?

• Have some regular chats with them about stuff….music, sports. Don’t just have conversations when you have a point to make

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KEEPING IT TOGETHER• Really do avoid those lectures…they switch off. • Think about their feelings. Don’t try to see this as a win-

lose situation. • Don’t overreact and go into orbit! Some things that

teens say are designed to get a reaction so take a deep breath, think about it, reflect back and then give your answer. Saying “no” too quickly makes it look like you haven’t bothered to listen at all

• Avoid confrontation and arguing

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But everyone’s doing it!

You don’t understand!

Why can’t you be like ___’s mum!

You never listen to my side

The fact is that children need clear boundaries, they need to know where they are, what they can and cannot do. When you are tough but fair, loving and strong then your child feels more secure, learns to respect themselves and others and has a chance to develop self discipline.

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It isn’t easy to see the formerly loving child who once curled up in our laps turn into a surly stranger who cannot spare us a kind word. One mother … was taken aback when she called, as her daughter was going out the door, “Have a good time,” and her daughter angrily replied, “Stop telling me what to do!” – Nancy Samalin