Tom: Oh no! I’m stupid and ugly AND our chapter 20 test is tomorrow and I haven’t even read McKay yet!

Takes out McKay and starts to read…

Tom: “The institutional Church…“

Falls asleep

Puppet 1: Oh no! He’s dead!

Puppet 2: No, he’s just fallen asleep. Hey, what’s this say?

Puppet2 begins to read

Puppet2: “ The Institutional Ch….”

Begins to snore. Puppet 1 wakes puppet2 up again.

Puppet2: We HAVE to make this more interesting.

Puppet1: I know! Let’s go to Sockpuppetland! Where everything is hysterically accurate!!

Everyone surreptitiously moves behind the puppet theater. Puppet Tom wakes up.

Puppet Tom: Huh? What happened?!

Puppet1 and 2: we’ve taken you to Sockpuppetland to learn some European social history.

Puppet2: So PAY ATTENTION.

Priest puppet pops up.

CATHOLIC Priest: We priests pretty much ran the lives of the common people. We were charitable to the poor and looked after the unfortunate souls that came our way. We also provided a semblance of an education for the common people. This was our full-time profession, so of course we had lay volunteers and assistants to aid us in our work. Sadly, some monarchs started thinking our Church had too much power, and so sought to limit it.

By this point Tom has fallen asleep again. Puppets1 and 2 nudge Tom.

Puppet1 and 2: How?

Tom: Huh, what? Oh, right, how come?

Priest: Oh, well I suppose Maria Theresa and Joseph II of Austria are good examples. You see, they considered some Church institutions to be “unproductive”. *hand quotes* So Maria Theresa restricted entry into these orders, and Joseph II abolished them altogether!

Puppets 1 and 2 GASP

Priest: I know! Oh, and France? Don’t even get me started-

Tom interrupts

Tom: Sounds great, I’ll just be going then-

Puppets 1 and 2: SIT.

Tom: Ok then…

Priest: As I was saying, Louis XV of France decided that the Jesuits were becoming a nuisance *SCOFFS*, so he expelled them in 1763. Then he went and got Spain on his side, which I thought would NEVER happen, on second thought though, the Spanish monarchy had been inherited by the Bourbon family, so it would make sense that they’d side together….

Puppet2: You were saying something about the Jesuits?

Priest: Oh, right, Spain and France joined forces politically to completely dissolve the Jesuits. Unfortunately they succeeded and the Pope dissolved the order in 1773. Hmph.

Puppet1: Tom? TOM! Wake up! *PLEADING* Please tell me you got SOME of that?

Tom: Sure, something about France and Spain pressuring the pope to dissolve the Jesuits, and Austria did away with “contemplative orders” via Joseph II’s Edict on Idle institutions…right?

Puppet 2 to puppet1: I think it’s working, let’s continue like this!

Puppet 1: Okay, how about we bring John Wesley to chat for a bit?

Tom: Is he normal?

Puppet2: Weeeell, some people like to think of his church as the Methodist Church of Hugs and Kisses…

Tom: So in other words, no.

John Wesley: Hellooooo everybody! I know good old Protestant preaching has been getting a little dull of late, so I thought I’d spice things up a bit!

Tom backs away a bit

Puppet1: Uh, John, this isn’t a sermon. It’s sort of an auditory autobiography slash history thing so that Tom can study for his test without dying of boredom.

John Wesley: …Oh. Well then-

Puppet2 pops up

Tom: UUUUuuuuugh!! Are you just gonna talk forever like that other guy?

Wesley: No! Don’t be silly. I shall serenade you!!

SINGS SONG. Once he finishes, Tom, Puppet 1, and Puppet 2 stare.

Wesley: Well, what did you think?

Tom: That was completely-

Puppets 1 and 2: *scrambling to interrupt before Tom says something dumb* METHODICAL.

Wesley: Really? Oh I’m so happy! You see! I knew Calvin was wrong! ANYONE can be saved, if they are truly faithful and want it enough. Any one have any questions? Can I be of any more service?

Tom: *Grudgingly* I guess. Ah, where did Pietism and the whole protestant revival thing begin?

Wesley: Germany. Which makes sense as that was the birthplace of Protestantism.

Puppet1: How many sermons did you give? You seem to be rushing about a lot so I was just wondering…

Wesley: well, I don’t know exactly, but I believe it was just over 40,000 sermons in a period of 50 years.

Tom, Puppet 1, and Puppet 2 look astounded. Priest puppet pops his head out from the side of the theater.

CATHOLIC Priest: HOW many sermons?

Wesley: Just 40,000.

Priest faints

Wesley: What? Well if that’s it, I still have two more sermons to give today so I’ll just be on my way.

Puppets 1 and 2, and Tom: *Still astounded* Sure.

Wesley departs.

Tom: What about the whole catholic Pie-eating thing?

Priest: *angrily* HEY! 1st of all, it’s CATHOLIC PIETY not catholic pie-eating. And second of all, we did more than just keep records and talk inside churches all day!

Puppet2: What did people back then do for fun! I feel like sitting in church and talking with priests all the time would get kinda dull!

Priest comes back out

Priest: Well…We… You see… Oh forget it. Let me introduce you to----

Dramatic pause, Karnival puppet enters.

Karnival Puppet: Carnival Poppet!

Tom: *Staring at Carnival Puppet* THIS could work.

Puppet2 to puppet 1: *Aside* Why didn’t we try her in the first place?

Karnival Puppet: Well, there were festivals of course! First there was Easter communion, almost everybody attended this festival. *Aside to Tom* You were kind of a loser if you didn’t. I mean, if 95% of the people went to Easter communion, you had to be PRET-ty strange if you didn’t go. *Back to Audience* Then of course there was Palm Sunday, where people would reenact Jesus entering Jerusalem, and the fact that just about every parish had its own different Saint’s days and pilgrimages and processions. Whatever form the celebration took, everyone welcomed it as an escape from the normal grind.

Priest: Don’t forget about the holy relics and blessings. During the Feast of Saint Anthony, we, the priests blessed the salt and bread for animals. It was sort of a religious-vaccination.

Puppet2: LIKE SWINE FLU!

Mrs. Swope: Guys, stay on topic…

Priest: Aaanyway, we blessed them, and they received protection from various ailments. Holy relics on the other hand, were a different matter. These powerful items could cure children of their fears! What a wonderful thing! No more tantrums and crying in the evening! AMEN!!

Puppet 1 and 2: AMEN!!

Tom: Uh-huh. You want to get back to the stuff about festivities?

Priest: FINE. As you may have guessed, people back then were very superstitious. However, as a result of the Catholic Reformation, priests tried to get rid of pagan beliefs. The French were particularly fervent about this…

Carnival Puppet: Well I think this guy was asking about CARNIVAAAAL!! Carnival took place in Catholic and Mediterranean Europe. It came before Lent.

Priest: Lent was the 40 days of fasting before Easter

Carnival: It was a total bummer!! So we in Europe like to party! Everything went topsy turvy! Lower class became upper class and fools became philosophers.

Tom: Coolawesomegreat!

Carnival Puppet: People would sing and tell stories as well as make nifty crafts. And everyone was hammered dude! Cause of the tons of beer wine and my faaaaavorite, hard liiiiiquor.

Tom: Oh yeah that’s my favorite!

Carnival Puppet: Uh huh. Do you like bloodsports?

Tom: Yeah!

Carnival Puppet: Do you know what blood sports are?

Tom: No!

HANNAH!:Blood sports are freakin sick! There’s bull biting (baiting) oh. And horse races and cock fights!

Tom: How do you bait a bull and how do you fight a co---rooster

Hannah: Well in bull baiting a bull or sometimes a bear would be chained to a stake and dogs would be released to fight the animals. It was a huge source of entertainment.

Carnival Puppet: But not for everyone! The upper class looked down on this common and roguish form of play

Hannah: Yeah. For some reason they didn’t like cock fighting. Releasing roosters and letting them fight to the death. What’s not to like ? You could even make a buck or two by betting on the outcome.

Carnival Puppet: Well I gotta go kids! My traveling carnival, which was common for the time, is leaving. But don’t worry I’ll be back next Carnival!!! Bye-bye!

Puppet 2 and Tom: Aaaaaaaaw!

Puppet 1: Okay Tom so you think you got this?

Tom: Yeah I think so.

Puppet 1: Two days after the test

Tom *sitting back in regular seat*

Swope: Here’s your test. Nice job but all you talked about was Carnival….

Tom: C plus?!

Puppet 1: That’s the best grade he’s ever gotten!!

Puppet: We’re awesome!

SCENE!