soho cinders libretto vocal book jw june 2015 - perusal

8/20/2019 Soho Cinders Libretto Vocal Book Jw June 2015 - Perusal

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SOHOCINDERS

an urban musical fable

Music by GEORGE STILES

Lyrics by ANTHONY DREWE

Book by ANTHONY DREWE and ELLIOT DAVIS

LIBRETTO / VOCAL BOOK

Josef Weinberger


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SOHO CINDERS

© Copyright 2015 by George Stiles, Anthony Drewe and Elliot Davis

Edition © Copyright 2015 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London

All Rights ReservedPHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL

Applications to perform this work must be made,

BEFORE REHEARSALS COMMENCE, to:

JOSEF WEINBERGER LIMITED

12 - 14 Mortimer Street

London W1T 3JJ

United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0)20 7580 2827

Fax: +44 (0)20 7436 9616

www.josef-weinberger.com

This edition: June 2015


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SOHO CINDERS

Cast

NARRATOR

ROBBIE – A young man

VELCRO – a young single mum, Robbie's best friend

LORD BELLINGHAM – An industrial tycoon

CLODAGH / DANA – Robbie's ugly stepsisters

JAMES PRINCE – A London Mayoral candidate

MARILYN PLATT – James' ancée

WILLIAM GEORGE – James' tyrannical campaign manager

SASHA – William's assistant

SIDESADDLE – Westminster bike hire manager, Robbie and Velcro's friend

ENSEMBLE

Photographers, Crowd, Launderette Customers,

Party Guests, Members of the Press, etc.


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Musical Numbers

ACT ONE

1. Old Compton Street (Velcro, Robbie, Clodagh & Dana, Ensemble)

2. Wishing For The Normal (Velcro, Robbie)

2a. Wishing For The Normal – Scene Change (Instrumental )

3. Spin ( James, William, Sasha, Ensemble)

4. Gypsies Of The Ether (Robbie, James)

4a. Gypsies Of The Ether – Tag ( James, Robbie)

5. I'm So Over Men (Dana, Clodagh)

5a. I'm So Over Men – Reprise (Dana, Clodagh)

6. Remember Us (Marilyn, James)

6a. Old Compton Street – Reprise (Lord Bellingham)

7. It's Hard To Tell (Velcro, Robbie, Ensemble)

7a. It's Hard To Tell – Fade (Instrumental )

8. You Shall Go To The Ball (Velcro, Sidesaddle, Dana, Clodagh,

Lord Bellingham, Robbie, Marilyn, William, James, Ensemble)

ACT TWO

9. Entr'acte (Ensemble)

10. Who's That Boy? (Ensemble, William, Clodagh, Dana, Marilyn)

11. Glass Slippers (Robbie)

11a. Spin – Reprise (Marilyn)

11b. Underscore into The Tail That Wags (Instrumental )

12. The Tail That Wags The Dog (William, Sasha, Ensemble)

13. Let Him Go (Velcro, Marilyn)

13a. Wishing For The Normal – Reprise (Velcro)

13b. Remember Us – Reprise ( James, Marilyn)

14. Fifteen Minutes (Clodagh, Dana, Ensemble)

15. Finale (Marilyn, Robbie, James, Velcro)

16. Bows (Company )

17. Playout (Instrumental )


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SOHO CINDERS 1

SOHO CINDERSACT ONE

SCENE ONE – Old Compton Street

A soundscape of London noises – taxis, buses, crowds. Musical intro to ’OldCompton Street’ starts. The sound of our NARRATOR’S voice is heard for the rsttime.

NARRATOR Old Compton Street, Soho. That promiscuous potpourri. Thatmetropolitan municence. That glittering back passage. It’s7pm on a fairly ordinary Spring evening. Theatregoers rubshoulders with prostitutes. Local businessman, on their wayhome, are having one last drink as they collide with a youngercrowd arriving for their rst.

(The COMPANY start to assemble.)

Velcro, a young single mum, is making her way back to thelaunderette where she works.

Music No. 1 – OLD COMPTON STREET

VELCRO

JOIN THE PARTY ON OLD COMPTON STREETFEEL THE PAVEMENT THROB BENEATH YOUR FEETTAKE A SEAT, WATCH THE SHOWNOTHING’S NORMAL ON OLD COMPTON STREETDRESS INFORMAL AS YOU JUMP ABOARD, STEP INSIDEURGES WILL BE SATISFIEDHERE WHERE LIFE IS SWEETOLD COMPTON STREET

ENSEMBLE SOLO GIRL

LIFE’S A CIRCUS ON OLD COMPTON STREETPUNKS AND ROCKERS AND THE RICH ELITEDRINK AND EAT, SIDE BY SIDE


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ACT ONE2

TWO GIRLS & ONE BOY

FUN’S CONTAGIOUS ON OLD COMPTON STREET

IT’S OUTRAGEOUS

THERE ARE BOYS FOR BOYSBOYS FOR GIRLS

BOYS FOR OLD MEN WEARING PEARLS

ALL ENSEMBLE

NO-ONE’S OBSOLETE

OLD COMPTON STREET

NARRATOR (Out front.) Elsewhere, Velcro’s best friend, Robbie, emerges

from the doorway of a posh restaurant.

ROBBIE That was lovely.

LORD BELLINGHAM Are you sure you won’t come for a drink?

ROBBIE Sorry, I’ve got to get to work.

LORD BELLINGHAM People’s washing can wait.

ROBBIE Yeah, but my rent won’t.

LORD BELLINGHAM Let me help you out.

(He produces a wad of banknotes from his pocket.)

ROBBIE George, please – you just bought me dinner.

LORD BELLINGHAM It gives me pleasure. Will you allow me that?

ROBBIE (Reluctantly.) Thank you.

LORD BELLINGHAM So, when will I see you?

ROBBIE You’ve got my number. Just call.

(LORD BELLINGHAM kisses ROBBIE on the cheek. ROBBIE make his

way towards the launderette.)

LORD BELLINGHAM (Under his breath.) Oh, Robbie.


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SOHO CINDERS 3

ROBBIE (with Ensemble hums)

WITHIN THIS MELTING POT

SOME HAVE AND SOME HAVE NOT

A PIZZA BASE YOU STUMBLE UPON

WITH EVERYTHING ON

ALL

EVERY FLAVOUR

ROBBIE & ENSEMBLE

TRY A SLICE OF LIFE OLD COMPTON STREET

SEE THE FLIES THAT SWARM AROUND THE MEATTRICK OR TREAT

ALL

WHO CAN SAY?

NARRATOR In the at above the launderette, Dana and Clodagh appear in

a window. They are sisters. They are ugly . . .

(CLODAGH and DANA start throwing ROBBIE’s possessions out of

the window.)

ROBBIE Hey, hey . . . what are you doing?

CLODAGH Heads!

(She drops a cardboard box.)

ROBBIE That’s my stuff.

(ROBBIE starts searching in the box.)

DANA We’ve changed the locks. You’re evicted.

ROBBIE But it’s my at. Where’s Mum?

DANA Just on her way down.

(DANA produces an urn containing Robbie’s mother’s ashes.)


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ACT ONE4

DANA Heads!

ROBBIE Don’t you dare! Lucky me having stepsisters like you. Twins.

Not identical but equally unpleasant. You can’t do this?

CLODAGH We just have. And we’re getting it fumigated. We don’t want to

catch gay.

DANA And that’s not all. When Dad gets out of prison he wants the

launderette back too.

CLODAGH But until then you’ve got to keep paying.

DANA Ooh, what was that?

CLODAGH What?

DANA I just felt the rent creeping up.

ROBBIE But the launderette was Mum’s.

CLODAGH Yes it was. But it’s not anymore is it? (To the urn.) Because silly

Mummy didn’t leave a will, or had you forgotten?

DANA He’d forget his balls if they weren’t in a bag. Heads!

(She drops the urn into ROBBIE’S outstretched hands.)

CLODAGH & DANA

PICK YOUR POISON ON OLD COMPTON STREET

GIRLS AND BOYS ON SHOW AND GAY OR STRAIGHT OR STILL UNSURE

EVERY TASTE IS CATERED FOR

ALL

HERE WHERE ALL WORLDS MEET

OLD COMPTON STREET

NARRATOR There’s a commotion outside The Prince Edward Theatre

where Adele Darzeen is starring in “Frozen 5 – the Frigid

Fanny.” James Prince, a London Mayoral candidate, and his

ancée Marilyn Platt arrive at the theatre.


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SOHO CINDERS 5

WILLIAM Here they are, right on cue.

SASHA ( As BIG ISSUE SELLER.) Big Issue. Big Issue.

(WILLIAM, the Mayoral campaign manager approaches the BIG

ISSUE SELLER and moves her into a doorway.)

WILLIAM Here might be a better position.

( A PRESS PHOTOGRAPHER squeezes past.)

SASHA ( As BIG ISSUE SELLER.) Big Issue, Big Issue.

(WILLIAM deliberately steers JAMES towards the BIG ISSUE SELLER.)

JAMES Damn. I haven’t got any change. But here’s a ver.

( A camera ashes as the PRESS PHOTOGRAPHER gets his picture.

JAMES and MARILYN enter the theatre with a parting wave to the

crowd.)

WILLIAM Job done.

CROWD

WE LOVE TO SPOT CELEBRITIES

AND NOBODY CAN BLAME US

THOUGH ALL TOO OFTEN WE FORGET

THE REASON WHY THEY’RE FAMOUS

BUT ROLLING THE RED CARPET OUT

IS BOUND TO CAUSE A BUZZ

AND THEN WE STOP AND RUBBERNECK

COS EVERYBODY DOESALL

CATCH THE RHYTHM OF OLD COMPTON STREET

WHERE THE BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS TURN UP THE HEAT

POUND THE BEAT, NO HOLDS BARRED

ROBBIE (with Ensemble hums)

ALL CITIES HAVE THE SAME

ONE STREET THAT KNOWS NO SHAME


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ACT ONE6

A BRIGHT FACADE WHOSE SURFACE IS THINBUT HARD AS A NAIL

ALLSCRATCH IT AND SNIFFBUT NEVER INHALEHEADS ARE TURNING ON OLD COMPTON STREET

VELCRO

OLD COMPTON STREET

ALL

EARS ARE BURNING WHILE THE ENDLESS STREAM PASSES BYRAINBOW FLAGS ARE FLYING HIGHTRY A SLICE OF LIFE,

SIDESADDLE / VELCRO

TRY A SLICE OF LIFE,

ALL

EVERY VICE IS RIFE

SIDESADDLE / VELCRO

EVERY VICE IS RIFE

ALL

HERE WHERE ALL WORLDS MEETOLD COMPTON STREET

SCENE TWO – Inside ’Sit and Spin’

NARRATOR Velcro is working in the launderette, ’Sit and Spin’. Surroundedby stacked washing machines and tumble dryers she “multi-tasks” – folding clothes whilst chatting to her friend, aWestminster bike rental manager known affectionately as"Sidesaddle".

(VELCRO holds up a tiny item of child’s clothing.)

VELCRO Ah, that’s so sweet.


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SOHO CINDERS 7

SIDESADDLE Sweet but expensive. They grow out of them so quick.

VELCRO Seems like only yesterday Becky was this size. Hey, I could

bring you in some of her old stuff if you don’t mind hand-medowns.

SIDESADDLE Mind? I’d love it. Now how much do I owe you for this lot.

VELCRO That’ll be eight fty.

(SIDESADDLE rummages in her pockets.)

SIDESADDLE Damn, that’s going to wipe me out. I’m gonna need a couple

more rides in my rickshaw. (Offers her some coins.)

VELCRO (Sympathetically.) Oh, Sidesaddle.

SIDESADDLE Can I give you the rest later?

(ROBBIE enters the launderette carrying a large cardboard box.)

ROBBIE Don’t worry about it – for you it’s half price.

(SIDESADDLE picks up her laundry and kisses ROBBIE. ROBBIE

dumps the box on the ground, then exits again.)

SIDESADDLE Thanks, Rob. I owe you. Have they opened Frith Street yet?

They’d shut the road. By the theatre.

VELCRO Oh for that James Prince! That Mayor guy.

ROBBIE (Re-entering with a suitcase.) He’s not Mayor yet. D’you know,

I used to have a poster of him by my bed, when he was aswimmer?

SIDESADDLE Lovely. Just imagine waking up next to that. I’ll see you later.

(SIDESADDLE exits.)

VELCRO Hey what’s all this?

ROBBIE (Collecting another item from outside.) They’ve kicked me out.


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ACT ONE8

VELCRO Who?

ROBBIE Dumb and dumber. Can I stay with you for a bit?

VELCRO ’Course you can. You know how Becky loves you.

ROBBIE Just till I get myself sorted.

(He carefully places his mother’s urn on a shelf.)

And that’s not all. They’ve put the rent up on this place.

VELCRO This whole thing with Les makes me sick. It was your Mum’s

launderette. It would’ve gone under if it wasn’t for us. Ofcourse she’d have left it to you, but . . .

ROBBIE . . . the lawyer said there’s no Will. So it’s my step-father’s.

End of.

VELCRO Well they can’t just put the rent up.

ROBBIE Who’s to stop them? And when he gets out of the nick he

wants the whole place back anyway.

VELCRO Great! So where are we gonna go?

ROBBIE Well you could go back to Staines.

VELCRO You ’avin a laugh?

ROBBIE There are worse places.

VELCRO I spent half me life trying to get out of Staines, and now here Iam in a launderette trying to get stains out.

ROBBIE You don’t have to work in Soho.

VELCRO It’s the dirtiest place in the world. The sheets that come in here

are so full of bodily uids I could wring ’em out and start a

fertility clinic.

ROBBIE Mum knew what she was doing when she opened this place.


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SOHO CINDERS 9

VELCRO I miss her you know. It was so hard when she didn’t really

remember me . . . not at the end.

ROBBIE She was an angel. Till Les clipped her wings.

VELCRO Well what we need right now is a fairy godmother.

(ROBBIE takes the cash BELLINGHAM gave him from his pocket .)

Where’d you get that money from? You still seeing that guy?

ROBBIE Yes and no.

VELCRO Which?

ROBBIE It’s complicated.

VELCRO He must be loaded. Don’t screw this one up. Has he got a

brother? Without the gay gene?

ROBBIE Don’t sound so desperate! Mr. Right will come along someday

’Cro. If I was straight I’d go out with you like a shot.

VELCRO If I’d have you. Nah, ain’t gonna happen, fag hag to the West

End, that’s me. How hard can it be? I just want to settle down.

ROBBIE Ditto. We share the same dream. I just want to wake up beside

the same man for the next thirty years.

Music No. 2 – WISHING FOR THE NORMAL

VELCRO So do I. Someone to tell me I’m doing alright.

ROBBIE Someone to tell me when I’m being a twat.

VELCRO You’re being a twat.

ROBBIE Yeah, but not you.

VELCRO I’ve never wanted a lot. Just my own special someone. And a

father for Becky.


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ACT ONE10

VELCRO

JUST IMAGINE POURING YOUR CORNFLAKES

LOOKING UP AND SOMEONE’S THERE

SOMEONE YOU HAVE JUST SPENT THE NIGHT WITHSOMEONE’S LIFE YOU’RE PROUD TO SHARE

HAVEN’T PUT MY FACE ON

HAVEN’T DONE MY HAIR

HAVEN’T HAD TO WORRY

AS IT’S HIM STANDING THERE

ROBBIE

JUST IMAGINE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR

TURNING ROUND AND THERE HE IS

IT’S YOUR MAN – THE ONE YOU CAME IN WITH

THREE YEARS ON, YOUR HAND IN HIS

LIVING IN A SEMI

MAYBE HAVE A CAT

NOTHING THAT’S TOO FANCY

TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT

BOTH

WISHING FOR THE NORMAL KIND OF DREAM

NOTHING TOO EXCESSIVE OR EXTREME

HOPING FOR THE HUMDRUM – IS THAT AIMING HIGH?

OTHERS SEEM TO FIND IT

TELL ME WHY ON EARTH CAN’T I?


TROUBLE IS THEY’RE HARDER THAN THEY SEEM

AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?

AM I OUT OF TOUCH?AM I WISHING FOR TOO MUCH?

(ROBBIE’S phone rings. His face lights up.)

VELCRO Who is it?

ROBBIE It’s him! Hello . . .

VELCRO Ask about the brother.


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SOHO CINDERS 11

ROBBIE Shush! No not you. I’m just at work. Yeah sure. I’d love to.Usual time. By the lions. Alright. Go. Go . . .

(ROBBIE hangs up.)

VELCRO By the lions! What is he a zoo keeper?

ROBBIE ’Cro, Leave it.

VELCRO I never knew zookeepers earned that much.

ROBBIE You’ll meet him when the time is right.

VELCRO Feeding time?

ROBBIE Cro! Leave it!

VELCRO You really like him don’t you?

ROBBIE Yes. I really like him. It’s just so hard.

VELCRO Spare me the details!

ROBBIE I mean it’s hard to get together. He’s so busy – it’s texts. It’sSkype. Then when I do see him, I just want more . . .

JUST IMAGINE COOKING LASAGNELIKE THOSE ADVERTS ON TV

VELCRO SITTING ON OUR FAKE-LEATHER SOFABABIES BOUNCING ON MY KNEE

ROBBIELIVING WITHIN REASONLOVING WHEN I CANFEELING I AM SOMEONE NOT SOME SAD ALSO RAN

VELCRO

JUST IMAGINE MOWING THE LAWN

ROBBIE

JUST IMAGINE POPPING SOME CORN


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ACT ONE12

VELCRO

JUST IMAGINE BREAKFAST IN BED

ROBBIE JUST IMAGINE OWNING A SHED

VELCRO

JUST IMAGINE DOING THE SCHOOL RUN

ROBBIE

GOING FOR PICNICS

VELCRO

KEEPING A GOLDISH

BOTH

WISHING WISHING

HOPING FOR THE HUMDRUM – IS THAT AIMING HIGH?

OTHERS SEEM TO FIND IT

TELL ME WHY OH WHY OH WHY CAN’T I?


TROUBLE IS THEY’RE HARDER THAN THEY SEEM

VELCRO

GOING TO A NIGHTCLUB

CINEMAS AND SUCH

ROBBIE

EATING IN NICE RESTAURANTS

HAPPY TO GO DUTCH

BOTH

AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?

AM I OUT OF TOUCH?

AM I WISHING FOR TOO MUCH?

ROBBIE

JUST IMAGINE CLEANING THE VOLVO

VELCRO

JUST IMAGINE PLANTING A ROSEBUSH


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SOHO CINDERS 13

ROBBIE

JUST IMAGINE HAVING A MORTGAGE

VELCRO

JUST IMAGINE KEEPING A GOLDFISH

ROBBIE A goldsh?

VELCRO Yeah. I won one once. At a funfair. Throwing ping pong balls in

a jam jar.

ROBBIE You saddo.

Music No. 2 – WISHING FOR THE NORMAL – SCENE CHANGE

SCENE THREE – James Prince’s campaign headquarters

NARRATOR The campaign headquarters of James Prince is a hive of

activity, and above the madness James’ campaign manager, the

tyrannical William George, holds court. William and Sasha are

reading a paper.

WILLIAM Not a bad piece on page 5 – “The Prince And The Pauper”. I

love that Editor – last week I threatened to chop his balls off,

this week we’re picking out curtains together in Laura Ashley.

(JAMES and MARILYN enter carrying a copy of the same paper.)

JAMES Don’t I look a bit smug?

(JAMES then notices SASHA.)

You! The Big Issue seller?

WILLIAM Ah, James, meet my new assistant, Tea.

JAMES Tea?

SASHA Hi, it’s Sasha. He calls me Tea . . .


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ACT ONE14

WILLIAM Or to give her her full name. Tea, milk and two sugars.

Hyphenated.

MARILYN Unbelievable.

JAMES (Turning on WILLIAM.) I thought we agreed . . .

WILLIAM Look. (Holding up paper.) You. Helping the homeless. Page 5.

That’s all the matters.

JAMES (To WILLIAM.) I’ll have my ver back!

WILLIAM (To SASHA.) Give it to him, Tea.

(JAMES gestures to SASHA to forget it.)

Job description is Campaign Manager. Let me manage. I know

what I’m doing.

JAMES If you say so.

WILLIAM I don’t say so, I know so. I don’t think, I do. Page 5 is pretty

good for a piece like that. Now we just have to ll in the pages

in between – Marilyn, I don’t suppose you’d consider a page 3?

MARILYN Very funny! As if anyone would be interested in my old

carcass.

(MARILYN looks to JAMES expecting him to refute this, but he

doesn’t until she prompts him.)

Hey!

JAMES Well I am.

WILLIAM There speaks the politician. Tea. Schedule. Now.

SASHA William, please. No more. It’s Sasha. You’re on the Good

Morning Britain sofa at 9.00am. Then 12 noon London Fire

Brigade.


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SOHO CINDERS 15

WILLIAM Good. Hang out with heroes makes you look tough. Ooh, and

there’ll be a pole. Marilyn – pole dancing opp.

MARILYN Misogynistic, sexist and insulting. You should have a lie down.

WILLIAM Tea, fancy a lie down?

MARILYN I’m a lawyer. One word. Tribunal.

SASHA I’m alright.

MARILYN (To JAMES.) I’m due in Chambers. I’ll see you later.

WILLIAM ( As MARILYN exits.) Think about what we said. Maybe have a

Brazilian.

(MARILYN ignores WILLIAM and leaves. WILLIAM calls after her.)

You can’t do Page 3 looking like a privet hedge.

JAMES William, page 5 is all well and good. But what if someone

nds out that the person I was photographed with actually

works for us.

WILLIAM It’s all publicity.

JAMES How we run the campaign reects how we will run City Hall. I

don’t want anything to be fake.

WILLIAM You’re not doing it. I am. That’s the difference. It’s not my job

to keep clean – it’s my job to make sure you are London’s next

Mayor.

JAMES That poster slogan reects how I want to run London. With

honesty.

Music No. 3 – SPIN

WILLIAM James . . .

JAMES We’ll talk on the way.


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ACT ONE16

JAMES

HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH SIMPLE TRUTH

PLAIN TALKING – THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WANTSINCE WHEN DID DECENCY BECOME OLD-FASHIONEDHIDDEN BY A SMOKE SCREEN OF CLICHE?I PROMISED THAT I’D PLAY IT STRAIGHTBUZZ WORDS WILL JUST HAVE TO WAITI INTEND TO WIN THE RACE IN MY OWN WAY

WILLIAM They all think they can do it on their own.

JAMESHOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?HOW CAN YOU GIVE WAY TO LIES AND SLEAZE?I ASK YOU – WHAT IS THERE TO GAIN?AND WHO MADE ARROGANCE A JOB REQUIREMENTFOR THE PUBLIC SERVANTS WE ELECT?WHO THINK THAT ONCE IN CITY HALLSOMEHOW THEY’RE ABOVE IT ALLI THINK LONDONERS DESERVE FAR MORE RESPECT

WILLIAM

AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S ALL ABOUT A CROSS IN A BOXYOU MAY BE THE OARSMAN BUT REMEMBER I’M THE COXI’LL STEER YOU TO VICT’RYTHROUGH ALL THE BIG DEBATESDOWN STREAMTHAT DREAM OFFICE AWAITS

SASHA & OFFICE WORKERSSPINSPIN OUT OF CONTROLSIGN THE PAPERWORK AND SELL YOUR SOULSPINDOCTOR EVERY WORD YOU SAYSPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAY

NARRATOR With that, and a modicum of tastefully applied make-up forthe cameras, James is off to the TV studios for another round


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SOHO CINDERS 17

of gruelling interviews from a variety of forgettable presenters

sitting on an array of tasteless sofas which go some way to

explain why DFS has a sale on every day of the year.

JAMES

HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?

HOW CAN YOU CONDONE TURNING BLIND EYES?

I PROMISE MINE WILL LOOK AHEAD

AND WHEN WAS AVARICE DECREED AN ART FORM?

I’LL ENSURE CORRUPTION IS STAMPED OUT

BUT ISSUES LIKE THESE HAVE TO WAIT

VOTERS MUST FIRST CHOSE MY FATE

BUT AS MAYOR OF LONDON WILL I HAVE THE CLOUT?

WILLIAM

AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S ALL ABOUT A CROSS IN A BOX

CREATE OPPORTUNITY, DON’T WAIT UNTIL IT KNOCKS

WE’RE BUILDING YOUR PROFILE

ENHANCE IT IN THE PRESS

GREAT QUOTESEARN VOTES, INSTANT SUCCESS

ENSEMBLE

SPINSPIN AT EVERY TURNCOMMON DECENCY CAN CRASH AND BURNSPINKEEP THAT IMAGE CLEAN AND SLICKMAKE SURE THAT THE DIRT CAN’T STICK . . .

NARRATOR William receives a phone call from one of the main sponsorsof the Mayoral campaign, industry tycoon Lord Bellingham.

(WILLIAM takes a call on his mobile.)

LORD BELLINGHAM William, I’m looking at this guest list. This fundraiser is not justabout you squeezing money out of people, it’s about havingthe right people there who you can squeeze in the future.

WILLIAM And . . .


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ACT ONE18

LORD BELLINGHAM And you and I may not share the same idea about who isthe right sort of person. My money, my ofce, my guest list.Agreed?

WILLIAM Agreed.

LORD BELLINGHAM Last push before the nominations close. The people at this ’do’could make or break this campaign.

WILLIAM & ENSEMBLESPINSPIN OUT OF CONTROL

SIGN THE PAPERWORK AND SELL YOUR SOULSPINDOCTOR EVERY WORD YOU SAYSPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAYSELL YOUR SOUL, IT’S GONNA PAYSPIN A WEB FOR IN A WEB THE SPIDER WILL ENSNARE HIS PREY

WILLIAM

SPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAY

ENSEMBLE

SPIN, SPIN, SPIN

(It’s the end of day , JAMES goes to leave.)

WILLIAM Oy, it’s not a 9 to 5, where do you think you’re going? Photo

shoot.

JAMES Shit. Alright I’ll be there. Give me a minute.

(WILLIAM stands there.)

. . . Alone!

(WILLIAM exits. JAMES takes out his mobile and dials.)

(Into phone.) Hi. It’s me. Look. Really sorry. I’m going to be

late. Just text me back to say you’re okay, okay? Ah, too many

“okays”. Look just text me.


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SOHO CINDERS 19

SCENE FOUR – Beside a lion’s paw in Trafalgar Square

NARRATOR It is 9pm. The crowds and the pigeons in Trafalgar Square have

begun to disperse. Nelson and his four lions stand proudly,guarding the entrance to the Mall. Robbie is found beside oneof the lion’s paws.

(Having just listened to a phone message ROBBIE starts to writea text .)

Music No. 4 – GYPSIES OF THE ETHER

ROBBIE

DOESN’T IT SEEM STRANGETALKING IN THIS WAYGYPSIES OF THE ETHERTYPING WHAT WE SAYSECRETIVE LIAISONSFLIRTING ON THE SCREENBUILDING UP A PICTUREIN WHICH NO-ONE CAN BE SEENBOLD ENOUGH TO SHARE MY INNER THOUGHTS AND WHAT I FEELSAFELY IN THE KNOWLEDGE I CAN CHOOSE JUST HOW MUCH I REVEAL

(We see a crowd of people in the Square. Our attention isdrawn to LORD BELLINGHAM as he crosses. He is on the phone.)

ROBBIE

YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGERYOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIENDTWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY

AND THE MESSAGES WE SEND

(ROBBIE slumps dejectedly against a lion’s paw. We hear (butdon’t see) another voice start to sing.)

JAMES

NOBODY GETS HURTMEETING IN THIS PLACEGYPSIES OF THE ETHERWANDERERS IN SPACE


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ACT ONE20

( As the crowd parts, JAMES PRINCE is revealed in casual clothes.He is wearing a hoodie with the hood up whilst typing on aniPad . . . )

JAMES

KEEPING OURSELVES HIDDENSAFE BEHIND THE FONTFREE OF INHIBITIONWE CAN BE JUST WHO WE WANTMAYBE FOR A MOMENT I BELIEVE THIS FANTASYSOMEONE IN THE ABSTRACT I CREATE BUT IN LIFE I CAN’T BEYOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGER

YOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIENDTWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAYSAND THE MESSAGES WE SEND

(Having now made eye contact with one another, JAMES andROBBIE are clearly waiting for the last of the crowd to leavebefore approaching one another.)

BOTH

YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGERYOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIEND

TWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY

AND THE MESSAGES

AND THE MESSAGES

AND THE MESSAGES WE SEND

(The underscore crescendos as ROBBIE runs into JAMES’ arms.

They kiss.)

BOTH

DOESN’T IT SEEM STRANGE

MEETING IN THIS WAY

GYPSIES OF THE ETHER

JAMES A week without you seems like forever.

ROBBIE Well, a week’s a long time in politics. So, how long do you

have?


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SOHO CINDERS 21

JAMES Now?

ROBBIE No, before you die! Of course now.

JAMES This is just a quick hello.

ROBBIE Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. Anyone would think you were

running for Mayor. I just want to . . . squdge you.

JAMES Squdge?

ROBBIE Wendy does it to Peter Pan.

JAMES Oh that is gay.

ROBBIE I thought you didn’t like that word.

JAMES I don’t like labels.

(ROBBIE’S phone rings.)

Don’t answer it.

ROBBIE Like you wouldn’t.

(ROBBIE takes the call.)

Cro, you know I can’t talk now . . . not another one. Okay, I’ll

sort it.

(He hangs up.)

(To JAMES.) Sorry, it’s a work thing.

JAMES How’s that going?

ROBBIE Ugh, not good. Another machine’s gone down. That’s gonna

cost.

JAMES I can always help.

ROBBIE I don’t want your money.


28/200

ACT ONE22

JAMES (Slightly taken aback.) Okay, I was just . . .

ROBBIE Leave it.

(JAMES’ phone rings.)

(Mimicking JAMES.) “Don’t answer it”.

(JAMES gives him a look but answers the phone.)

JAMES Hello Darling . . . just getting some air . . . oh, okay . . . no, I

haven’t eaten . . . sorry, not distracted I was just deep in (Looks

at ROBBIE who mimes a loveheart.) . . . thought. Chinese? . . .

I’ll pick it up. Thirty minutes.

ROBBIE The Leader of the Opposition. “How’s that going? I can always

help . . . ”

Music No. 4a – GYPSIES OF THE ETHER – TAG

JAMES Oh, Robbie. (Beat.) Look, you heard . . .

(JAMES hugs

ROBBIE.)

ROBBIE (Breaking the hug.) You’ve got to go.

JAMES Couple of days?

ROBBIE Couple of days. Go.

JAMES

YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGER

YOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIEND

JAMES & ROBBIE

TWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY

JAMES

AND THE MESSAGES

ROBBIE

AND THE MESSAGES


29/200

SOHO CINDERS 23

BOTH

AND THE MESSAGESWE SEND

SCENE FIVE – Inside "Glam-Amour"

NARRATOR Clodagh and Dana are discovered inside Glam-Amour , thestrip club they run next door to Robbie’s launderette. Havingreturned from a night out on what I understand is knownas “the lash”, they are removing what I also understand areknown as “their lashminas”. In the garish light of day they look

particularly unglamorous.

CLODAGH Did you hear that?

DANA What?

CLODAGH (Referring to the NARRATOR.) I’m hearing voices.

DANA What?

CLODAGH Some posh git. Probably queer.

NARRATOR But lthy rich and rather well-endowed.

DANA Whatever.

CLODAGH Eurgh! I’ve got a tongue like Ghandi’s ip op. I need a drink.

DANA Look at the state of this place.

CLODAGH Yeah, but when Les is out we’ll get the launderette. Planningpermission will be no prob. We can knock through. Expand.Go up market.

DANA It’s a strip club.

CLODAGH Alright down market, but bigger.

DANA You’ve gotta dream ’aven’t you? Anyways. Last night. How’dyou get on? I saw you nearly had his tonsils out.


30/200

ACT ONE24

CLODAGH I thought I’d found it. I thought I’d found it. Everything we’ve

been looking for in a bloke.

DANA What well hung and mute?

CLODAGH Not exactly but I tell you, I thought this was it.

DANA Well?

CLODAGH Married.

DANA Bastard.

CLODAGH He gave me this whole sob story about his wife being in awheelchair and he wasn’t getting any. So he says, she’s away

and would I like to go back to his place. Not been there ve

minutes when I hear a car pull up.

DANA The spazzy wife?

CLODAGH Exactly. "My wife!" he goes. I said, "I thought she was away?"

He says. "She was." Then I hear footsteps, not wheels, on the

front path.

DANA Unbelievable.

CLODAGH So I says, "I thought she was in a wheelchair, where’s she been

– frigging Lourdes?" Next thing, I’m being bundled out of the

back door and had to nd a cab home.

DANA You’re like a bowling ball, you.

CLODAGH Bowling ball?

DANA Yeah, picked up, ngered, thrown back down the alley.

Music No. 5 – I’M SO OVER MEN

CLODAGH I tell you, I’m getting too old for this game. Too many

disappointments.

DANA Maybe we should give ’em up altogether.


31/200

SOHO CINDERS 25

(During the course of the song DANA and CLODAGH collect up

an unlikely load of laundry: G-strings, boob tubes, suspender

belts, sequin vests etc. They place them all in JD Sports bag.)

DANA

I WISH THEY’D INVENT A NICORETTE PATCH

TO HELP ME GIVE UP MEN

JUST SLAP IT ON

YOUR CRAVINGS ARE GONE

BUT HOW WOULD I FILL MY DAYS THEN?

IT’S ALWAYS THE WRONG MR RIGHT

WHO SUDDENLY LANDS IN MY LAP

THEY’RE SHITS WHO PASS IN THE NIGHT

FALLING IN LOVE IS CRAP

A LOAD OF OLD BULL

FAREWELL TO NIGHTS ON THE PULL

I’M SO OVER MEN

I DON’T NEED A GUY

AND AS FOR THE SEXTHERE’S ALWAYS DIY

SOME SEEM HOT TILL THE RUMPY PUMP STARTS

THEN THEY’RE NOT WORTH THE SUM OF THEIR PARTS

LIE ON YOUR BACK

TRY LOOKING IMPRESSED

FAKE IT AND SCREAM "YOU’RE THE BEST"

I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN

I’M SO OVER MEN

CLODAGH

I WISH I COULD JOIN AN ANONYMOUS GROUP

REHAB TO GIVE UP MEN

JUST SAY YOUR NAME

FACE UP TO THE SHAME

CONFESS YOU’VE BEEN SHAGGING AGAIN

THEN MAYBE I’LL FIND I HAVE STRENGTHS

AWAY FROM THE RAGES AND RANTS


32/200

ACT ONE26

OF GUYS WHO DON’T GO TO GREAT LENGTHSFALLING IN LOVE IS PANTS

FROM NOW ON IT’S CLEARI’LL HAVE A SOLO CAREER

I’M SO OVER MENBRAGGING THEY’RE TOP NOTCHTALKING THROUGH THEIR ARSETHINKING WITH THEIR CROTCHHOW I DREAD EACH FAMILIAR SIGNFARTS IN BED THAT I KNOW ARE NOT MINETHE TOILET SEAT’S UPTHERE’S PUBES ON THE SOAPAS FOR ROMANCE – NOT A HOPEI’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN I’M SO OVER MEN

(ROBBIE passes the doorway to Glam-Amour and they spot him.They thrust the laundry in his face.)

CLODAGH Ah, Robbie Shitty Shirtlifter – just in time. Service wash. Low

temperature.

DANA That’s quality schmutter, that is. Don’t shrink it.

ROBBIE (Picking a G-string from the bag.) I think somebody already did.And seeing as how you want Mum’s launderette so much, do ityourself.

(ROBBIE throws the bag back at them.)

CLODAGH I don’t know why Dad didn’t just kick you out when your Mumdied. You’re like a milestone around his neck.

ROBBIE It’s millstone. And Les is no father of mine.

CLODAGH Whatever. Point is you and the scrubber ain’t got long.

DANA Basically . . .

CLODAGH At the end of the day . . .


33/200

SOHO CINDERS 27

DANA I’m not being funny . . .

CLODAGH Or nufn . . .

BOTH Sling your hook.

(DANA throws a thong at ROBBIE, who exits.)

DANA

IF THEY HAD A JAB

I’D GIVE IT A STAB

TO MAKE ME IMMUNE TO MEN

CLODAGH

PAINLESS AND QUICK

JUST ONE LITTLE PRICK

BOTH

INSTEAD OF THE USUAL TEN!

(They laugh raucously.)

I’M SO OVER MEN’SPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE PISSED

THOSE WHO’VE TURNED US DOWN

DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’VE MISSED

CLODAGH

ACT LIKE ICE BUT THEN TRY NOT TO MELT

DANA

MY ADVICE WEAR A CHASTITY BELTCLODAGH

NO FOOTBALL TO WATCH

FAGS IN THE SINK

Y-FRONTS TO WASH – I DON’T THINK SO

DANA

COLD PIZZA CRUSTS AND BEER CANS TO CHUCK

DO WE MISS THEM?


34/200

ACT ONE28

BOTH

DO WE FUCK!I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN

I’M SO OVER MEN

DANA

NO MORE PREGNANCY TESTS

NO MORE NEED FOR PRECAUTIONS

CLODAGH

NO MORE OVERNIGHT GUESTS

NO MORE GETTING SMALL PORTIONS

DANA

NO MORE "I’M GOING BALD"NO MORE LOVE BITES NEED HIDING

CLODAGH

NO MORE "MY WIFE JUST CALLED"

NO MORE HANDS THAT NEED GUIDING

BOTH

NO MORE "CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?"

NO MORE "FIRST MEET MY MOTHER"NO MORE "HERE’S WHERE IT ENDS"

NO MORE "MADE FOR EACH OTHER

I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN I’M SO OVER MEN

NARRATOR William George and Sasha are out on the campaign trail in

Soho.

WILLIAM (To SASHA.) Relax. It’s just selling, but you’re selling a candidate.Now come on, let’s see the condent posture.

(CLODAGH and DANA are exiting Glam-Amour.)

SASHA I nd it hard to . . .

WILLIAM Buttocks in, chest out.

SASHA William, I don’t think that . . .


35/200

SOHO CINDERS 29

WILLIAM It’s not for them. For me.

(WILLIAM slaps SASHA on the bottom.)

WILLIAM Good girl. Now, just watch and learn. (To CLODAGH and DANA.)

Hello, ladies.

(CLODAGH and DANA don’t react. William tries again . . . )

Ladies?

CLODAGH Who . . . us?

SASHA We were wondering if you were thinking of voting?

CLODAGH For what?

WILLIAM For London’s Mayor.

DANA (To WILLIAM.) Ooh, and what do you have to offer a single girl

that’s gonna make her put a kiss in your box?

WILLIAM It’s not my ’box’, unfortunately. We’re canvassing for JamesPrince.

(He hands the girls a leaet.)

DANA Cute!

CLODAGH I love an upstanding member.

(WILLIAM’S phone rings.)

WILLIAM Excuse me I must take this. Sasha, you’re on your own.

DANA You ever been in a titty bar?

SASHA Er, no!

CLODAGH Well now’s your chance, come on. Just don’t touch the seats,

they’re still wet.


36/200

ACT ONE30

( As they disappear inside, LORD BELLINGHAM appears in a

spotlight.)

WILLIAM Lord Bellingham, how are you?

LORD BELLINGHAM I’ve been happier. Cutting to the chase, William. You’ve

screwed up.

WILLIAM In what way?

LORD BELLINGHAM Reach inside your cheap, shiny Primark suit and take out the

fundraising invitation.

WILLIAM The invitation?

LORD BELLINGHAM Now read it. Notice anything? Anything . . . missing?

WILLIAM Date. Time. Venue.

LORD BELLINGHAM Sponsor?

WILLIAM Oh, Christ.

LORD BELLINGHAM Well, you could say that. No sponsor, no money. No money,

no party. You see how it works? William?

WILLIAM Yes, I see.

LORD BELLINGHAM Reprint them.

WILLIAM Sending new invitations will just underline our . . . error.

LORD BELLINGHAM Our error? Your error. Since you did manage to at least includemy address on the invitations I assume you wish the event to

be held here, as planned?

WILLIAM Well yes, of course . . . if . . .

LORD BELLINGHAM I hope your candidate runs London better than you run his

campaign.

WILLIAM I’m sorry . . . I just . . .


37/200

SOHO CINDERS 31

LORD BELLINGHAM That’s all.

(LORD BELLINGHAM hangs up.)

WILLIAM Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Sasha, back to the ofce.

(SASHA is happy to escape from the clutches of the sisters.)

You’ve screwed up on the party invites. Lord Bollock’s name’s

not on it.

(SASHA takes an invitation out of her pocket too.)

CLODAGH Bollocks? Party? Sounds like a night out.

WILLIAM Give me that.

(He grabs the invitation from SASHA and tosses both of them

away.)

Come on.

DANA (To

WILLIAM.) I thought you were going to show me your . . .manly festo.

(WILLIAM and SASHA leave.)

You had me at “hello”.

(CLODAGH picks up the invitations.)

CLODAGH “James Prince requests the pleasure of your company” . . .

then his wish shall be granted. Fancy a night out? A propernight out.

DANA But he’s got a ancée, hasn’t he?

CLODAGH Since when did that stop you?

DANA Oh no, we can’t.

CLODAGH Oh yes we can.


38/200

ACT ONE32

BOTH Oh yes we will.

Music No. 5a – I’M SO OVER MEN – REPRISE

DANA

YOU’RE ALL OVER MENLIKE SOME FLAMING RASH

CLODAGH

NEVER HAD A MAYORFIT WITH LOADS OF CASH

BOTH

ONE LAST FLING THEN WE’LL CALL IT A DAYBUY SOME BLING AND THEN HAVE IT AWAYTHIS MIGHT BE THE ONEGIVE LOVE A CHANCEGO TO HIS PARTYHAVE A DANCETODAY CITY HALLAND, IN TIME, NUMBER TENI’M SO OVER MENOVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVERI’M GONNA GET MY LEG OVER . . . MEN!

SCENE SIX – James Prince’s home – that evening

NARRATOR It is 11pm. After an exhausting day’s campaigning, James is stillworking in his study at home.

MARILYN They’ll be lucky to have you.

(JAMES is caught offguard, unaware that she has been watchinghim.)

JAMES Who?

MARILYN London, of course. Who did you think I meant?

JAMES Sorry, I was . . . elsewhere.


39/200

SOHO CINDERS 33

(MARILYN crosses to him.)

MARILYN You’re working too hard. Let’s go up.

JAMES Marilyn . . .

MARILYN What?

JAMES I couldn’t do this without you.

MARILYN I know . . .

JAMES And I need you . . .

MARILYN I know . . .

JAMES And I’m sorry.

MARILYN For what?

JAMES Well . . . it won’t always be like this.

MARILYN Yes it will, and it’ll probably get worse. If you get in.

JAMES And if I don’t?

MARILYN It’ll be something else. You can’t change and I can’t change

you.

JAMES Ah!

MARILYN It was just the same at university – it was the debating society,

Amnesty International, the free knitting patterns for arthriticpensioners campaign . . .

JAMES That bad, huh?

MARILYN That bad.

Music No. 6 – REMEMBER US

But that was the deal. Remember?


40/200

ACT ONE34

JAMES Yes, I do. It seems like a lifetime ago.

MARILYN

REMEMBER WHENOUR HEADS WERE FULL OF BIG IDEALSREMEMBER THEN

JAMES

I DON’T REMEMBER HOW THAT FEELSBUT WHEN YOU’RE YOUNGTHEN SOMEHOW EVERYTHING’S A PLUSREMEMBER WHEN

MARILYN

REMEMBER . . . THENREMEMBER USREMEMBER WHENYOU DREAMT YOU’D BE LIKE ROBIN HOODREMEMBER THEN

JAMES

I KNOW NOT ALL OF IT WAS GOOD

MARILYN

WE’D TALK FOR HOURSSOME . . . BIG WORLD CRISIS TO DISCUSSREMEMBER WHEN

JAMES

REMEMBER . . . THENREMEMBER US

MARILYNSTRANGE THAT YOU AND INEVER HAVE TO TRY SOMEHOW WE MUDDLE THROUGH

JAMES

NO DENYING ITYOU JUST SEEM TO FIT LIKE AN OLD COMFY SHOE

MARILYN

SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS


41/200

SOHO CINDERS 35

JAMES

BUT THE BEST ARSE

IN YOUR WHOLE CLASS OF NERDS

MARILYN Hey!

REMEMBER WHENYOU GREW A MULLET – GLAD THAT’S GONE

JAMES

IT WAS THIS LONG

MARILYN

REMEMBER THENYOU SAID THAT EMAIL WON’T CATCH ON

JAMES

SO I WAS WRONGYOUR MOBILE PHONE

MARILYN

MY MOBILE PHONE

BOTH

YES IT WAS BIGGER THAN A BUS

JAMES

THE SIGNAL WAS RUBBISH

BOTH

REMEMBER WHEN

REMEMBER . . . THENREMEMBER USLOOK AT US DOT COM

EVERY DOUBTING TOM SAID THAT WE’D NEVER LAST

JAMES

STILL I’M STUCK ON YOU

MARILYN

I’M YOUR COMFY SHOE YOU’RE MY ELASTOPLAST


42/200

ACT ONE36

BOTH

WE GO HAND IN GLOVEAND STILL WE SEEM

THE PERFECT TEAM IN LOVE

(Instrumental.)

MARILYN

SO MANY YEARS

JAMES

LAUGHTER AND TEARS

MARILYN

BUT WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG

JAMES

BUT WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG

BOTH

THEN SOMEHOW EVERYTHING’S A PLUS

MARILYN

REMEMBER WHEN

Now come to bed . . .

JAMES

REMEMBER THEN

MARILYN It’s been a while.

BOTH

REMEMBER US

JAMES One more email and I’ll be up. Promise.

(MARILYN closes JAMES’ laptop. He sighs, realising resistance is

futile.)


43/200

SOHO CINDERS 37

SCENE SEVEN – Two days later – in the Laundrette

NARRATOR Two days later, back in the launderette, Robbie and Velcro

have been chewing the fat – rather an unpalatable expressionfor the calorie counters amongst us.

(VELCRO is holding one of JAMES PRINCE’S campaign leaets.)

VELCRO Shame he’s in a suit. I bet he’d get more votes if he was still in

his speedos.

ROBBIE Then where would he pin his rosette?

VELCRO Right on his policy package.

(CLODAGH and DANA enter the launderette.)

CLODAGH Tick, tock, tick, tock . . .

DANA Do that thing, you know . . .

(She makes her arm look like the big hand on TV’s

“Countdown” clock. CLODAGH obliges by singing the“Countdown” clock music.

CLODAGH sings the theme tune. DANA waits for the nal “Boo”

of the theme tune, then realises CLODAGH is waiting for her to

provide it.)

DANA . . . BOO! I love it when you do that.

VELCRO Little things . . .

ROBBIE What do you want?

CLODAGH Splash the cash!

DANA Show the dough.

CLODAGH Spill the lolly . . .

BOTH Dolly.


44/200

ACT ONE38

ROBBIE Here y’are.

(ROBBIE hands DANA the cash that we saw him put away in the

rst scene after accepting it from LORD BELLINGHAM.)

DANA How much?

ROBBIE Five hundred, the usual.

CLODAGH Three words, not en-ough.

ROBBIE That’s syllables not words.

DANA Alright Carol sodding Vorderman, that’s the old rate. We toldyou it’s gone up.

ROBBIE You’ll have to give me a bit longer.

CLODAGH Twenty-four hours.

DANA Twelve – otherwise we’re changing the locks on this place too.

CLODAGH (To VELCRO.) You’re wasting your time love, he’s a knob jockey.

(The sisters exit.)

ROBBIE Great, that’s all we need.

VELCRO What are you gonna do?

ROBBIE I dunno. What can I do?

VELCRO Sell your body.

ROBBIE Very funny.

VELCRO No, on second thoughts you won’t get that much.

(ROBBIE’S phone rings.)

ROBBIE Hi.

(We see JAMES elsewhere in a spotlight.)


45/200

SOHO CINDERS 39

JAMES Hi it’s me, I just wanted to hear your voice. I’ve only got a

minute. I’m sorry.

ROBBIE You don’t have to apologise. I get it. I’m glad you called. Whencan I see you? If it helps I’m free tonight. Or tomorrow night?

(VELCRO mimes kisses and love hearts. ROBBIE shoos her away.)

JAMES Argh! I’d love to but I’ve got this thing tonight and a fundraiser

tomorrow. But the next available moment, I swear . . .

ROBBIE Look. You know where I am, and you know I want to see you.

You just need to let me know when. No pressure. Just make itsoon!

JAMES I must go. I’ll call you later if I can.

ROBBIE Bye.

(ROBBIE puts the phone down.)

VELCRO That was SO gooey! I’ve never seen you like it. It’s like you’ve

been abducted by aliens, and they sent back this . . . Andrexpuppy. Tell me his name.

ROBBIE I can’t. It’s complicated. All I can say is he makes me smile . . .

on the inside. Is that love?

VELCRO I dunno it’s been a long time. I can’t remember.

(SIDESADDLE enters with a large bouquet of owers.)

ROBBIE (Seeing the owers.) Oh Sidesaddle, you shouldn’t have done

that, I told it’s half price – at least until you can afford more.

SIDESADDLE Sort of embarrassing, they’re not from me, I just took them off

the delivery guy. Is my washing ready?

ROBBIE Yeah, just done it.

SIDESADDLE Who are they from then?


46/200

ACT ONE40

VELCRO His new boyfriend, but don’t ask his name ’cos he won’t tell

you.

ROBBIE (Opening a card attached to the owers.) I don’t know. I don’tknow why anyone would . . . oh . . .

(ROBBIE pulls a wadge of bank notes from the envelope.)

VELCRO Jesus Christ, Robbie. What’s he sending you money for? You’re

not really selling your body, are you?

ROBBIE (Slightly dazed.) Course not.

VELCRO How much is there?

Music No. 6a – OLD COMPTON STREET – REPRISE

ROBBIE I . . . dunno. You count it.

(VELCRO counts the money as ROBBIE reads the card. Elsewhere

LORD BELLINGHAM appears in a spotlight.)

LORD BELLINGHAMI’D LIKE TO HAVE YOU HERE WITH ME

I THINK WE’RE QUITE WELL-SUITED

IT’S HIGH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP

BECAME FAR LESS DILUTED

AND NO-ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH

THE WAY IN WHICH WE MET

THE SORDID LITTLE DETAILS

IN TIME WE CAN FORGET

LORD BELLINGHAM Robbie, I hope I haven’t misjudged our situation, but the time

we spend together is the highlight of any week. I’d like more

of it and my hope is that you would too. I’m hosting an event

tomorrow night at the ofce and I’d like you to join me. It’s a

black tie affair and, as it will be a late night, I’d like you to stay

over. I’ve taken the liberty of informing Prada in Sloane Street

to expect you. It’s all on account. Just choose something nice.

The enclosed is a little something for you.


47/200

SOHO CINDERS 41

( As ROBBIE closes the card and keeps its contents from VELCRO,

our focus stays with LORD BELLINGHAM.)

LORD BELLINGHAM

I CAN’T BEAR YOU ON OLD COMPTON STREETI WON’T SHARE YOU SO I THINK A CHANGE WORTH A TRY

I DON’T RENT WHAT I CAN BUY

THERE ARE WAYS TO BEAT

OLD COMPTON STREET

(ROBBIE is panic stricken.)

VELCRO There’s a thousand pounds . . . (There’s no reaction.) . . . hemust really love you.

ROBBIE Yeah . . . that’s what worries me. Give it here.

(VELCRO hands ROBBIE the money which he starts to put back in

the envelope.)

VELCRO What are you doing?

ROBBIE I’m sending it back. With the owers.

VELCRO Robbie, what’s going on? You just spoke to him on the phone

and lit up like the Blackpool illuminations. Now you’re playing

hard to get.

ROBBIE It’s not from him. (Pause.) Sidesaddle, can you give us a

minute?

SIDESADDLE I can give you all night – I’m off home. Laters.

(SIDESADDLE exits.)

VELCRO And . . .

ROBBIE I’m seeing this guy.

VELCRO I know you are.

ROBBIE Well, I’m not . . . I’m sort of seeing two guys.


48/200

ACT ONE42

VELCRO What?

ROBBIE Well I’m not, but I am.

VELCRO You’re not making any sense, Robbie. Are you on something?

ROBBIE Look. I’ve been seeing this guy for three months and I think

I’ve fallen in love with him. But it’s complicated.

VELCRO What’s complicated? He’s just sent you a thousand pounds and

a bunch of owers.

ROBBIE No he hasn’t. They’re from someone else.

VELCRO Who?

ROBBIE An older man. A businessman. A . . . Lord.

VELCRO (Incredulous.) A Lord!

ROBBIE I met him on a website. Where older rich guys meet younger

. . . less rich guys.

VELCRO Robbie!

ROBBIE I know, but we needed the money! He took a shine to me and

I went along with it. Drinks, dinners, movies. I was company

for him. But now it’s turned into wads of cash and owers and

he’s asking me to stay overnight. That feels like prostitution.

VELCRO Well, duh! And, what, has your boyfriend found out.

ROBBIE No, nothing like that.

VELCRO So what’s the problem? Ditch Lord Sugar Daddy and be with

Prince Charming.

ROBBIE It’s not as easy as that, you see . . . there’s a Princess Charming.

VELCRO He’s married?

ROBBIE Fiancée.


49/200

SOHO CINDERS 43

VELCRO Oh Christ, Robbie!

ROBBIE And you know him. Well you know of him.

VELCRO I do?

ROBBIE He’s kinda famous.

VELCRO (Trying to work it out.) Famous closet case. There’s so many, Iwouldn’t know where to start. (Pause.) Oh Robbie, just give mehis name.

(ROBBIE holds up the James Prince campaign leaet.)

VELCRO Oh get real . . .

ROBBIE I’m serious.

VELCRO James Prince . . . you’re not! The Mayor guy. He’s not gay.

ROBBIE I can promise you he is, but not publicly. He’s not like anyother guy I’ve been with.

VELCRO Robbie, you need to be careful. This has danger written allover it.

ROBBIE I know. I know.

( A HUNKY CUSTOMER enters with his laundry.)

VELCRO I think number ve’s free, on the right. (To ROBBIE in hushedtones.) You read about things like this. Politicians. Affairs.Wives. And you’re seeing this Lord as well. I’m sorry Robbie

but . . .

ROBBIE It’s under control.

VELCRO Today maybe. But you can’t control the press. Now listenRobbie . . .

ROBBIE (Raising his voice.) I’ve heard you Cro’, but . . .

VELCRO (Indicating they are not alone.) Shh!


50/200

ACT ONE44

(The CUSTOMER turns to them, then continues to load themachine.)

ROBBIE (Hushed tones again.) I’m not getting rid of the best thing in mylife ’cos of what might happen tomorrow. Okay?

VELCRO Okay. Okay. Well why doesn’t he just come out? No-onewould care.

ROBBIE Well his ancee might.

(The CUSTOMER removes his shirt and puts it in the washer.)

VELCRO (The reality has sunk in.) I can’t believe it. I’ve got to get mygaydar realigned. Gay, straight, bi, married, gay married,Arthur, Martha, Grindr, Tinder. It does me head in.

Music No. 7 – IT’S HARD TO TELL

VELCRO Now . . . (Pointing to the CUSTOMER just as he’s removing his jeans and placing them in the washer.) take him, for instance.

(Fantasy sequence. During the course of the song it is as ifthe launderette has been transformed into a trendy night club peopled by hot young things, male and female, who appearfrom washing machines and behind dryers.)

VELCRO

TO ME IT’S QUITE CLEARHE HAS TO BE QUEERBUT I’LL ADMIT THEY’RE GETTING HARDER TO SPOTUNLESS THEY’RE SCREAMING "OUT AND PROUD"

OR SINGING SHOW TUNES WAY TOO LOUDI WOULDN’T LIKE TO SAY WHO’S INTO WHAT . . .

IT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAYGUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYSIT’S HARD TO TELL THE PRINCES FROM THE QUEENSEVERY BAR IN SOHOTHAT ONCE WAS STRICTLY NO GONOW FALLS SOMEWHERE BETWIXT


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SOHO CINDERS 45

WITH A CLIENTELE THAT’S MIXED

IT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS

IT’S HARD TO TELL THE HOMOS FROM THE HETS

HE’S HOTTER THAN WASABEBUT DOES HE LOVE KEN OR BARBIE?

WELL I’M NOT PLACING ANY BETS

HEAD TO TOE IN GUCCI ACTING RATHER SMOOCHEY

SEEMS THE TYPE FOR PULLING BIRDS

THEN IN CONVERSATION COMES THE REVELATION

HE IS MINCING MORE THAN JUST HIS WORDS

ROBBIE


IT’S HARD TO TELL THE DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGH

BOTH PLAY CASANOVA

WHICH BOWLS A MAIDEN OVER

THAT’S FINE FOR TEA AND CHAT

BUT FOR WHICH TEAM DOES HE BAT?

ROBBIE & VELCRO


IT’S HARD TO TELL THE ONE IN EVERY TEN

ROBBIE

SOME LOVE TOPLESS STRIPPERS

OTHERS DREAM OF RUBY SLIPPERS

WELL AIN’T THAT TYPICAL OF MEN

QUITE THE DISCO BUNNY

TANS WHEN IT’S NOT SUNNY

LOOKS AS IF HE’S WORTH A FLING

VELCRO

LOOKS AS IF HE’S WORTH A FLING

ROBBIE

JEANS HE HAS TO SQUEEZE ON

ABS YOU COULD GRATE CHEESE ON

THEN YOU SEE HE WEARS A WEDDING RING


52/200

ACT ONE46

VELCRO

A WEDDING RINGDON’T MEAN A THING

BOTH & FULL ENSEMBLEIT’S HARD TO TELLIT’S HARD TO TELLSCANNING THEIR REFLECTIONFOR THE SLIGHTEST IMPERFECTIONIF WRINKLES DARE TO SHOWTHEY MOISTURIZE THEM SOIT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS

IT’S HARD TO TELL WHICH WAY THAT THEY’RE INCLINEDMAKING SURE THEY’RE PRETTYFOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE CITYWHERE BOTH HAVE ONE THING ON THEIR MIND

(The song ends in a tableau of bodies.)

Music No. 7a – IT’S HARD TO TELL – FADE

SCENE EIGHT – Soho Square – 11am the following morning

NARRATOR Robbie and Velcro are crashed out on a bench after their nightin Soho assessing the sexual orientation of its inhabitants byasking them to provide surnames for the following list: Liza,Chita and Barbra. Not surprisingly, many single gentlemenscored three out of three.

VELCRO Hey Robbie. How’s the head? I feel like I’ve been hit by a

Budweiser truck. One too many vodka shots.

ROBBIE I hardly slept a wink. I can’t believe I’ve got myself into thismess.

(ROBBIE’S phone bleeps with a text message.)

VELCRO Which one is it? Lord Gay or Mayor Not-Quite-Sure?

ROBBIE Cro.


53/200

SOHO CINDERS 47

(ROBBIE read the text message and smiles.)

VELCRO Oh, it’s the Mayor. Give me that phone.

ROBBIE No.

VELCRO Phone. Now. I know who he is, just give me the phone.

(ROBBIE hands the phone over. VELCRO reads the text message.)

“Thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you Squidge”

ROBBIE It’s Squdge. Oh Cro, he makes my tummy go. What am I

gonna do? I can’t continue with Lord Bellingham, I have tosend him back the money.

VELCRO Robbie, have a brain. A thousand pounds would come in useful,

right? Of course right. So here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re

going to go and give Trash and Trollop the rent and get them

off our backs. Then, we go to Prada and get you dolled up in

the best tux, and maybe pick up a little something for me.

ROBBIE For you?

VELCRO Let’s call it a little thank you for all the shit you’ve put me

through. Agreed? Just nod. Right, then you are going to go

to this swanky party and be sweetness and light with Lord

Whotisname, and after that you are never going to see him

again.

ROBBIE Yes, but he wants me to stay the night.

VELCRO And you’re going to have every intention of doing so until . . . I

call you at midnight.

ROBBIE What?

VELCRO I’ll phone and say I’ve got some emergency. The launderette’s

burnt down, Becky’s exploded. Use your imagination.

ROBBIE And . . .


54/200

ACT ONE48

VELCRO You make your excuses and you come home. That way you’ve

kept your side of the bargain with his Lordship and you’ve

stayed faithful to Prince Bisexual.

ROBBIE Oh Cro. I’m not so sure. You make it sound so simple.

VELCRO That’s cos it is.

(SIDESADDLE draws up beside them in her cycle rickshaw.)

SIDESADDLE Hi guys. You alright? Need a ride?

VELCRO Actually, yes we do.

SIDESADDLE Where to?

VELCRO Prada. Sloane Street.

ROBBIE Cro!

VELCRO Get in, you Muppet!

SIDESADDLE That’s a long way.

VELCRO That ’ain’t it. You’ve got to wait for us there then take him for a

haircut. Come to think of it, how much till midnight?

SIDESADDLE (Off the top of her head.) A hundred quid.

VELCRO Right Robbie, pay her fty.

(ROBBIE pulls a fty pound note from the envelope.)

SIDESADDLE Fifty?

VELCRO Half price, remember?

ROBBIE You owe me.

SIDESADDLE Fifty it is. Prada, Sloane Street that’s a bit upmarket.

VELCRO He’s got a big party tonight, haven’t you Robbie? Posh do.


55/200

SOHO CINDERS 49

ROBBIE (Sarcastically.) Yeah, great.

SIDESADDLE You don’t sound so keen.

VELCRO He’s warming to the idea, aren’t you?

ROBBIE (Unenthusiastically.) Sure.

VELCRO Well, let your face know.

(During the following song ROBBIE is transformed ready for the

’Ball’ to the extent that he is barely recognisable by the end of

the number.)

Music No. 8 – YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL

VELCRO

YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL CINDERELLA

I’LL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE

YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, LUCKY FELLA

YOUR CARRIAGE WAITS JUST STEP INSIDE

SIDESADDLE

I CAN’T DO TRICKS WITH PUMPKINS

NOR NO HORSES FROM WHITE MICE

BUT WHO NEEDS VEG AND VERMIN

WHEN YOU’VE GOT ME FOR HALF PRICE

SIDESADDLE & VELCRO

YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA

SIDESADDLE

I’LL GET YOU THERE ALRIGHT

YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL I CAN TELL A

LOT IS UP FOR GRABS

YOU’VE GOT THE BEST OF CABS TONIGHT

(CUT TO: CLODAGH and DANA in the nal stages of getting

ready for the party. They are dressed very tartily.)


56/200

ACT ONE50

DANA Clo, how do I look?

CLODAGH Like someone’s covered you in Pritt Stick and rolled you

through Accessorize.

CLODAGH

I COULD USE ANOTHER PINT OF BAILEYS

DANA

A BAILEYS

CLODAGH

SECOND THOUGHTS I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE

DANA

MAKE IT TWO

BOTH

TWO SILLY BINTSGONNA FIGHT FOR A PRINCE

DANA

COS TONIGHT

CLODAGH

TONIGHT

BOTH

TONIGHT

DANA


BOTH

BOTH LOOKING FIT

CLODAGH

AND SLIM

BOTH

YES, WE SHALL GO TO THE BALL LOOKING STELLARI COULD BE THE GIRL FOR HIM


57/200

SOHO CINDERS 51

CLODAGH

I LOVE THIS SHADE OF LIP GLOSS

DANAMY MASCARA’S BY CHANEL

BOTH

YOU’D NEVER THINK TWO SCRUBBERS

COULD HAVE GOT TARTED UP QUITE THIS WELL

(CUT TO: LORD BELLINGHAM in a spotlight tying his bow tie.)

LORD BELLINGHAM

THOSE WHO RAISE AN EYEBROW AT THE AGE GAP

NEED TO KEEP THEIR NOSE FROM MY AFFAIRS

GOSSIPS MAY THINK

THAT I’M DATING A TWINK BUT WHO CARES?


WITH ALL THAT BOYISH CHARM

YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL AS MY BELLE A

HANDSOME TRINKET ON MY ARM

(CUT TO: ROBBIE being tted for his suit.

ROBBIE

HOW DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS?

HE JUST GIVES ME THE CREEPS

VELCRO (Deliberately sounding ’posh’.)

MAYBE ONE SHOULD BE MORE PARTICULAR

ABOUT PLACES ONE SLEEPS

ROBBIE

SORRY CRO, I KNOW IT’S NOT CLEVER

DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT I’D EVER CHOOSE

(ROBBIE continues to get ready, with haircut and manicure.)

(CUT TO: MARILYN, WILLIAM and JAMES make their way to LORD

BELLINGHAM’S ofces.)


58/200

ACT ONE52

MARILYN

HERE WE GO AGAIN, THE GOLDEN COUPLE

JAMESKEEP SMILING

WILLIAM

THIS COULD REALLY BE THE LITMUS TEST

MARILYN (Smiling ingratiatingly at JAMES.)HOW IS THIS!

WILLIAM

MAKE SURE YOU MINGLEAND SCHMOOZ EVERY SINGLE LAST GUEST

(CUT TO: ROBBIE and VELCRO are ready to leave.)

ROBBIE

HOW DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THISI FEEL WEAK AT THE KNEES

VELCRO

IT’S NOT EVERYDAY YOU GO PARTYINGNOT WITH PEOPLE LIKE THESE

SIDESADDLE

COME ON GUYS! ENOUGH HESITATINGCAN’T YOU SEE YOUR CARRIAGE IS WAITING NOW

(SIDESADDLE’S rickshaw is now pimped to the max and vaguelyresembles an orange pumpkin. PARTY GUESTS ll the stage as the

set transforms to LORD BELLINGHAM’S ofces.)

ALL

YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL CINDERELLAGO WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHTYES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, WE CAN SMELL ALOT OF TENSION HERE TONIGHTWATCH THE GLITTERATI GLITTERTHE NOUVEAU CREME DE LA CREME


59/200

SOHO CINDERS 53

THEY LOVE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE

KNOWING THAT EVERY EYE IS ON THEM

(JAMES, MARILYN and WILLIAM are greeting various GUESTS. LORD BELLINGHAM is the perfect host. At the top of the staircase the

fully-transformed ROBBIE makes his entrance.)

ALL


GO FOR A NIGHT OF GLITZ

YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA

AND MINGLE WITH THOSE POMPOUS GITS

LORD BELLINGHAM (Looking pleased.) Robbie.

ALL

AND GET COMPLETELY OFF YOUR TITS

JAMES (Looking startled.) Robbie?

ALL

AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER . . .

ROBBIE (Looking horried.) Awkward!

ALL

. . . FITS

(Curtain.)


60/200

ACT TWO54

ACT TWO

Music No. 9 – ENTR’ACTE

SCENE ONE – The party at Bellingham Industries

Music segues into LORD BELLINGHAM’S ofce where the campaign fund-raising partyis in full swing. LORD BELLINGHAM , ROBBIE and JAMES are in exactly the same positionas we left them at the end of Act One.

ALL

YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLAGO FOR A NIGHT OF GLITZ

YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLAAND MINGLE WITH THOSE POMPOUS GITS

LORD BELLINGHAM (Looking pleased.) Robbie.

ALL

AND GET COMPLETELY OFF YOUR TITS

JAMES (Looking startled.) Robbie?

ALL

AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER . . .

(JAMES PRINCE is staring at ROBBIE, who looks deeplyuncomfortable.)

Music No. 10 – WHO’S THAT BOY?

PARTY GUESTS (See score for details.)WHO’S THAT BOY?AND WHO DID HE COME IN WITH?WHO’S THAT BOY?HE’S HANDSOME TO BEGIN WITHWHO’S THAT BOY?NO DOUBT A YOUNG GO-GETTERWHO’S THAT BOY?I’D LIKE TO KNOW HIM BETTERWHO’S THAT BOY?WHO’S THAT BOY?


61/200

SOHO CINDERS 55

LORD BELLINGHAM (Confused.) Robbie. Can I have word?

(ROBBIE tries to get away from LORD BELLINGHAM by making his

way to the bar to get a drink. During the sequence we seeboth JAMES and LORD BELLINGHAM trying to nd ROBBIE.)

PARTY GUESTS (See score for breakdown.)

WHO’S THAT BOY?

THERE HAS TO BE A STORY

WHO’S THAT BOY?

TOO TRENDY FOR A TORY

WHO’S THAT BOY?IT SEEMS HE WAS EXPECTED

WHO’S THAT BOY?

HE’S CLEARLY WELL-CONNECTED

WHO’S THAT BOY?

WHO’S THAT BOY?

MARILYN James. Is everything Okay? William? What’s going on?

WILLIAM I intend to nd out.

(JAMES tries to get to ROBBIE who attempts to avoid a

confrontation.)

PARTY GUESTS

DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE SAUNTERED IN

AS IF HE OWNED THE PLACE

EXUDING SUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE

YET NO-ONE KNOWS HIS FACEHE LEAVES US IN THE SHADOWS

LIKE A MOMENT’RY ECLIPSE

AND THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION

THAT’S ON EVERYBODY’S LIPS

WHO’S THAT BOY?

DANA He’s looking at me again. Oh please. Could he be more

obvious.


62/200

ACT TWO56

CLODAGH Get over yourself, it’s me he’s oggling. All these politicians like

a bit on the side.

DANA That James Prince is t.

WAITER Stuffed olive?

CLODAGH Did he? Lucky Olive. (Dirty laugh.)

WILLIAM

WHO’S THAT BOY?

AND WHY THE STRANGE REACTION

CLODAGH (To DANA.) It’s Robbie!

WILLIAM

WHO’S THAT BOY?

AND WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION

DANA What’s he doing here?

WILLIAM

WHO’S THAT BOY?

CLODAGH & DANA

HE’S JUST OUR LITTLE BROTHER

COS OUR DAD

GOT MARRIED TO HIS MOTHER

WILLIAM So what’s he doing . . . (Realises it’s CLODAGH and DANA.) . . .

what are you doing here? Security!

CLODAGH I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

DANA You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers. Call us.

(She scrawls her phone number on the invitation card with

her lipstick. Elsewhere, JAMES and LORD BELLINGHAM continue to

pursue ROBBIE.)


63/200

SOHO CINDERS 57

PARTY GUESTS

SYMPTOMATIC OF THESE FUNCTIONS

IS THEY’RE FULL OF CRASHING BORES

THE FIRST SIGN OF FRESH TALENT

AND THEY’RE BEATING DOWN THE DOORS

LIKE BEES AROUND THE HONEY

LIKE MOTHS AROUND THE FLAME

THEY CHASE AFTER THE YOUNG BLOOD

THOUGH NO-ONE KNOWS HIS NAME

(Instrumental half-chorus during which ROBBIE escapes to the

terrace.)

WHO’S THAT BOY?

HE’S ENTRANCE WAS DRAMATIC

WHO’S THAT BOY

BOTH COOL AND ENIGMATIC

WHO’S THAT BOY?

WHO’S THAT BOY?

(ROBBIE is on the terrace. Having just taken his phone out to

make a call he is interrupted by the arrival of LORD BELLINGHAM.)

LORD BELLINGHAM Robbie? Is everything alright? You don’t seem yourself.

ROBBIE No, I’m ne . . . I’m ne.

LORD BELLINGHAM You seemed nervous in front of James Prince – it’s not like you,

he’s a mayoral candidate, not royalty.

ROBBIE I know, I’m . . . I’m not really feeling myself. In fact, George, Ithink I may have to go . . .

(ROBBIE raises his phone. LORD BELLINGHAM gently but forcefully

puts his hand on the phone.)

LORD BELLINGHAM You don’t have to do that. The apartment’s upstairs. Why don’t

you go and have a lie down in my room.

ROBBIE No George, I think it’s better if I go.


64/200

ACT TWO58

LORD BELLINGHAM Wait a minute, Doctor Reid’s here, he can have a look at you.

ROBBIE (More forcefully.) No, George. I want to go.

LORD BELLINGHAM This a big night for me. Actually for you and me. Us.

ROBBIE Us?

LORD BELLINGHAM Like I said in the note, which you clearly received judging by

the Prada suit you’re wearing. I thought I’d made my feelings

very clear.

ROBBIE Yes you did, George, and about that . . . I’m not sure we’re

quite in the same place . . .

LORD BELLINGHAM (Clearly hurt.) I see. But you took the thousand pounds, and

you went on a shopping spree.

ROBBIE George . . .

LORD BELLINGHAM No, Robbie, you see that’s not how it works. All the gifts, all

the dinners, the money, the suit you’re wearing, the shirt on

your back – it’s not charity – what do you think I am?

ROBBIE (Getting angry.) No, George what do you think I am?

LORD BELLINGHAM (Grabbing ROBBIE’S lapels.) I’ll tell you what I think you are.

(ROBBIE’S phone is knocked to the ground. At that moment

JAMES and WILLIAM run onto the terrace. MARILYN holds back

slightly, at a distance.)

WILLIAM Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lord Bellingham, I’m not interruptinganything, am I?

JAMES Robbie, what are you doing here?

WILLIAM I’m sure there must be a very simple explanation . . .

ROBBIE (Not moving.) I really have to go.

JAMES You two know one another?


65/200

SOHO CINDERS 59

ROBBIE I can’t do this. Not now.

(ROBBIE runs off.)

WILLIAM James, there are guests to be attended to. Lord Bellingham areyou coming?

LORD BELLINGHAM Hmm? Yes, of course.

(LORD BELLINGHAM and WILLIAM rejoin the party guests insideleaving MARILYN alone on the terrace. She stoops to pick up themobile phone ROBBIE dropped in the fracas.)

MARILYN

WHO’S THAT BOY?AND WHAT IS HE CONCEALING?WHO’S THAT BOY?I’VE GOT THE STRANGEST FEELING

WHO’S THAT BOY?PERHAPS HE’S JUST A CHANCERWHO’S THAT BOY

I FEAR I KNOW THE ANSWERWHO’S THAT BOY?|WHO’S THAT BOY?

PARTY GUESTS

BOY, BOYWHO’S THAT BOY?WHO’S THAT BOY?

(MARILYN goes back inside. ROBBIE runs in the darkness.)

ALL

WHO’S THAT BOY?DID SOMEBODY INVITE HIM?WHO’S THAT BOY?SO CUTE I WANT TO BITE HIMWHO’S THAT BOY?I THOUGHT I SAW A SCUFFLEWHO’S THAT BOY


66/200

ACT TWO60

WHO’S CAUSING THE KERFUFFLE

WHO’S THAT BOY?

WHO’S THAT BOY?

SCENE TWO – Trafalgar Square, soon after

NARRATOR Robbie runs into the night. Without really thinking about

where he’s going, he ends up in Trafalgar Square beside one of

the lion’s paws.

(JAMES runs in breathless.)

JAMES I thought you’d come here.

ROBBIE Well, you know me . . .

JAMES Do I, Robbie? I’m not sure I do. How do you know George

Bellingham?

ROBBIE Look James . . .

JAMES Please tell me it’s not what I think?

(Silence.)

(Getting slightly agitated.) Robbie, I’ve asked you a question. I

think you owe me an explanation.

ROBBIE (Rising to meet JAMES’ anger.) I don’t owe you anything. But I’m

not having an affair with him, if that’s what you think.

JAMES So how do you know him?

ROBBIE He took a shine to me. I went along with it. At rst it was just

company and I felt sorry for him. It was perfectly innocent.

Then it kind of developed into giving me money and stuff. And

now . . . he’s asking for a bit more . . .

JAMES (Sarcastically.) Well where did you think it was leading? And

why didn’t you tell me?


67/200

SOHO CINDERS 61

ROBBIE There are things about you that I never questioned such as

your ancée and there are things about me . . .

JAMES . . . which you should have told me, Robbie. I’m running forLondon Mayor, for God’s sake.

ROBBIE Yes, and until tonight, I was your uncomplicated escape from

all that.

JAMES Uncomplicated? Jesus. If the Press get hold of this. Oh God.

Have you any idea what this will look like?

ROBBIE What do you mean?

JAMES “Industry tycoon pays young gay guy for company”. Join the

dots, Robbie, they’ll make you out to be an escort. Worse. A

rent boy.

ROBBIE I never had sex with him.

JAMES No, but you took his money. And if they link me to you . . .

”The politician cheating on his ancée with a rent boy”. So

tragic it’s almost funny.

ROBBIE But I never took your money even though we had . . . no, this

is all wrong. It’s not like that. James. I’m your lover. I’m not a

rent boy.

(ROBBIE makes a move towards JAMES.)

I’ve fallen in love with you. That’s why I left the party. I can’t

be with anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

JAMES I can’t take this. Jesus Christ. What have I done?

(JAMES turns and walks away into the night. ROBBIE calls after

him.)

ROBBIE James! James!


68/200

ACT TWO62

Music No. 11 – THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS

ROBBIE

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOYAND HE THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD WAS HISWASN’T VERY OLD WHEN HE CAME TO FIND OUTTHAT THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS

THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSIT’S NO GREAT SURPRISEIF THEY MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSTHEY DON’T HAVE MY SIZE

HAPPY EVER AFTERSALWAYS TURN OUT WRONGNO FAIRY GODMOTHERPOPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG

THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSPRETTY AS THEY SEEMTROUBLE IS GLASS SLIPPERSSHATTER LIKE A DREAM

WHY DON’T HANDSOME PRINCESPRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACHMAGICAL KINGDOMSARE ALWAYS JUST OUT OF MY REACH



THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSIT’S NO GREAT SURPRISEIF THEY MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS


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SOHO CINDERS 63

THEY DON’T HAVE MY SIZE

HAPPY EVER AFTERS

ALWAYS TURN OUT WRONG

NO FAIRY GODMOTHER

POPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG

NO FAIRY GODMOTHER

POPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG

SCENE THREE – Campaign Headquarters – the following morning

A crisis meeting betweenWILLIAM

,MARILYN

andJAMES

is taking place.

NARRATOR The following morning all is not well in James Prince’s

campaign headquarters. The events of the previous evening

have thrown everything up in the air. Having seen the way

James looked at both Marilyn and Robbie, William George

fears an impending double dip depression.

WILLIAM Well, James? Just like Prince Charles . . . I’m all ears.

(WILLIAM holds up a piece of paper with phone numbers in it.)

You seen this? This is a list of donors, all of whom were

there last night, all of whom have called today asking for an

explanation. Now before I make one up, I’d like to hear the

truth from you.

(Silence.)

For God’s sake say something.

JAMES I’ve no idea what he was doing there. He was hired by

Bellingham as ’company’.

WILLIAM The boy?

JAMES Yes. His name’s Robbie.

WILLIAM And do you know him?


70/200

ACT TWO64

JAMES I’ve been seeing him for four months.

MARILYN Oh no.

WILLIAM What?

MARILYN Shut up, William.

WILLIAM He was “hired” by Bellingham? You mean . . . he’s a rent boy?

MARILYN Oh please no.

JAMES He’s not. But Bellingham was paying him for company.

Apparently they never had sex.

WILLIAM And what about you?

JAMES Paying for sex? Of course not! Between him and me . . . no

money ever changed hands.

WILLIAM Oh well that’s ne, then. The papers won’t give a toss. Won’t

even be interested. I’ll call the f-ing pope, have you put up for

sainthood. Halle-pissing-lu-yah.

JAMES William, please.

WILLIAM Fiancée, secret gay rent boy lover, politician. Boom! The

perfect storm. Cancel the diary. Cancel the campaign. Shit.

(MARILYN goes to leave.)

JAMES Marilyn. It’s sounds so . . . weak; but I’m sorry. Marilyn?

MARILYN James. I don’t want to hear it and this is certainly not

something I wish to discuss in front of him. (Indicating WILLIAM.)

I’ll see you at home.

(MARILYN looks at a poster of JAMES PRINCE with the logo ’How

can you go wrong with honest.’ )

Pathetic.


71/200

SOHO CINDERS 65

Music No. 11a – SPIN – REPRISE

(MARILYN leaves the ofce.)

MARILYN Oh God.

MARILYN

HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH SIMPLE TRUTH?REMEMBER? - THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WANTSINCE WHEN DID DECENCY BECOME OLD-FASHIONEDHIDDEN BY A SMOKE SCREEN OF CLICHE?

HE PROMISED THAT HE’D PLAY IT STRAIGHTLAUGHABLE I KNOW BUT WAIT . . .

( A phone rings in MARILYN’ S bag. We recognise it as ROBBIE’S ringtone.)

MARILYN What on earth . . . ? (She searches in her bag.) I don’t believethis. (She answers.) Hello? (Robbie?) No, but this is his phone.(So who are you?) This is Marilyn Platt. (Well what are youdoing with Robbie’s phone.) He dropped it last night. He had

to leave in something of a hurry. (Well where is he?) Look, I’veno idea where he is. (So are you going to return his phone?)I’m sorry? No I will not return his fucking phone.

(MARILYN exits while, back in the ofce, JAMES sits with his headin his hands.)

JAMES Oh Christ.

WILLIAM He may be the son of God but even he can’t help you now.

JAMES What am I going to do?

WILLIAM I will tell you what you are going to do. First you are goingto go home. Shower and clean up. You’ve not only beensocialising in the gutter you smell like you’ve been rolling init. Get a car to pick you up. From round the back. This messwill have leaked by this afternoon and I want you seriouslyunavailable for comment. Do you understand that?


72/200

ACT TWO66

(JAMES nods.)

Good. Second, start writing the best apology speech ever

written and we’ll just see if I can do an impersonation of theMessiah and rescue this out-of-control campaign. Now go.

(JAMES exits.)

Music No. 11b – UNDERSCORE into THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG

(WILLIAM pulls out the invitation card on which the stepsisters’

phone number is written in lipstick. He dials. Lights come up

on CLODAGH and DANA, as their phone starts to vibrate. Theyanswer .)

WILLIAM This is William George. You gave me your number at theevent last night. You told me that Robbie is your brother, orstepbrother.

CLODAGH That’s right.

WILLIAM So presumably you have an address for him.

CLODAGH Yeah. He works in the launderette next door.

WILLIAM In Old Compton Street. Right, here’s what’s going to happen.In a few hours time you’re going to have a lot of Pressassembling outside your establishment, rather keen to nd outmore about your brother.

CLODAGH Go on. What’s that got to do with us?

WILLIAM I want you to make your brother’s colourful life sound evenmore colourful. As sordid as you like. Now that shouldn’t betoo hard should it?

CLODAGH And what’s in it for us?

WILLIAM Trust me. People will pay a lot for your story. I’ll make sure ofthat. Now enjoy your moment in the sun.

(He hangs up. Lights go down on CLODAGH and DANA.)


73/200

SOHO CINDERS 67

Tea, get in here.

(SASHA enters.)

SASHA Yes, William. What was all that about?

WILLIAM That, my dear Tea, was what you call an opportunity. A greatbig mincing opportunity.

Music No. 12 – THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG

WILLIAM Get me a car.

SASHA Where are we going?

WILLIAM Bellingham Industries.

(SASHA re-enters with WILLIAM’S coat.)

WILLIAM

THE POLITICS OF POLITICSBEHOLD “THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE”HE MAY BE MUSIC TO THEIR EARS

BUT I’M HIS MASTER’S VOICETHE DASHING POLITICIANLET EVERYONE RAISE A GLASS

I KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPEI MOULD THEM TILL THEY FITI PLUMP THE CUSHIONS ON THE SEATWHERE I’D PREFER TO SITI PULL THE STRINGS

AND CALL THE SHOTSI GROOM THEM FOR THE THRONEI’M THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOGBUT IT’S THE DOG THAT GETS THE BONE

HE SEEMED THE PERFECT PACKAGEBUT TOO BAD HE HAD A FLAWIT ONLY TAKES ONE WEAKNESSAND THE PRESS WILL PICK IT RAW


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ACT TWO68

WE NEED A STRONG SUCCESSOR

DOES ANYONE SPRING TO MIND?

THE MONKEY’S ON THE SCRAP HEAP

WATCH THE ORGAN GRINDER GRINDI KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE

SASHA

YOU KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE

WILLIAM

I MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT

SASHAYOU MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT

WILLIAM

I PLUMP THE CUSHIONS ON THE SEAT

SASHA

WHERE

soho cinders libretto vocal book jw june 2015 - perusal

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