cm&ru mlVffi ffifl[fru.JJftTi{}ht : ;[#* S_ trS-l

ffituR[,SPONSF OCiNITIVL

L,VA L L: .\I'ION

l,$-.' 40'".. ,''',' I 12 StcPr to Flnd Secret Doorc -

l4- :usrffil 4. i *i-. ' j -. -- --. .. .',

,O 1. Check all doors. lf you can see them, they aren't secret.

ft.r a A $rs4xesrt.\$i&ffs-€!#,&ri,,r;iis*6i*w{ir:E,;-.ir, rr . .,... .,i r ri*-l 2. I you;i"-bb fi; "ir""i"t6imee,

make some I !

V'/ t:911* Chances are, they know a thingo.r two about secret *r,r doorc.

, ,^ , ' ,1: ' ,WH,

but lt makec you .,,,

I. RTg:gharlotte's Web", lt,s a chlldrsn,l claslc.

youj€rq a tot of keys with you, somoon6'miftiiifriT!ll6J"oI.3j-"J 9_1 *!ret door and thtnk you,r. rhf guy.

:$g *ilffi WWe $.$&Jrrr'r r, r ,, r*i: I ''*";:

;

6, no1'y *: t..lynll of Alice C.ooper lightiy. Layers of meaning. Noclass. No principies, Think about jr, H"'i t"fking uLou, you.

""x;ffi ,,%ffi"'J;'*Hffi#';ffi.,'"xxooilff :T"*,

L Klll everyone that knows about a door, than lt broomesyours€cret, l

10. The pantry is not a secret door, though lt doat hold

qr-L :: : i,. i ;q : .:,, Wsjb, ji4;iuix:.ref ,l,iff,irri:{},l,.f..iqi{t_I61.,,L rnstalf a door in yoi:l.*il*tr:rle-*: !qfe' Telf no ono.

Ik vi!,'wi[s Th,q ReviewersOr llow I Learned To Stop Worr.ving And Love The Smell Of My Own Farts

cataloguing celebrity minutiae. SPIN also wnnts the disrinction ofhaving ''indie cred", exceptthey harc acrually delving into rie icky musical underground. As a result tftey love bands withan "indie'" sound (read:jangly guitars, rpheat tenrpos, quirky Roben Smith/David Bvmevocds, perhnps a synth or ttvo). rvho have already had notable commercial suc,cess. Thc resnltis a prcrry* lamc afternpt ro appeaf on the cuning edge. SPIN. you've just got to lcBm to beyoursel 1.. teJl flre mors sbout what Madonna ate for breakfast.

l i , i. l

An'+3i1#*;r{$r,;*Hulfim*ffi.};T. }l*i:parriolsrn. If any band ftom trre uK iri"o" .riiip.rro JJo*"or*i,r" of ildJi.,i i;;;.;#rill coronate rhem the ..Grearesr Band rf Atr fi ''[;.

Th. Ntnli; ;; ffi il# ;;;n;i' il_,iilt*:fi *}h;:t;iXffi:ff :J,*'n:uitto;"iiiiiit;il;"-'iffi;;;;.

u Music reviewers rourth., *.t orilffi n*r 'rrrh rh,t hnr boon provar bvfl sctence. Rqsearch has been .:{::^1.d, ,.prn, ',u""

t *.,,'u.,i,,p,,u.1 arrd tho rusults have beenJ nublished rhough manv havl arwar.l spccuratcd ui,,rli *rr'ii"., rr enn ,ow bc said withI

certarntv tl'atio ft;#*;;],*

ilt,i" ,^. ii*'i,'i.;;;;; "ry

rhrr ursir rhns smcrr.I',*,:l1ll*:1;'x,x'l?#"'{ilfiX,[:,.i#_T,i,llli11i,.,,,,,,,.,,i,,, j,.*ffi y;g;.,,*.,."ilv xj_..1r'vJ:ilj1:#,,l,li:,fi,ilJ,.Ili,Hll,liilll:,,lt.,i*,;;,?.,",fi. u*cstandard, Hunaht Music;;"# #;,j:;:):::1,..,:

r)ecn.v.ilil(tillcrt.hy rornc mndc.up objecdvef<inOa f ike when s;;il. il;_,

are evcn nlorc liur whcrr thev trsrlr oflc ol,your f.u,o*i"to,_fi]ouuour r*u'rlr4 iu;,;r't',lT:: 11:l vour nro'r' v{)u Irxrw lt r ,lurl airrko. ,, bu1 ne ens 1al1twlth the handleba*ourtur...'y-lllsc-

Thc rwicwc'hcr't,n166 6 elnrrle arch vilhin, complete

tll' r ir'5 r e,i'r ffiil:fi ':ll,ff lr TJ f x;illi I Jll, i rl'*f,'trilli f;Ti:"someone else 's opinion. I fall for it every time. - . .--/

. My friends, the music revie;er sh;ut,l not hc krvurl pr lrnrorl. Iintply understood forwnar he or she is' Thev are people who rove d;r;;ii ;;i;r,;;.;,*,, rhrrr, Ncllhcr sood nor bad-JUI lart.tovers. h the spirir of bringing Uaranc" uar;;;,il;;[ Ireview rhe review'o, diue tr," r iinie ,*,' "i'ir",, .*,, ;,iLliil]illillll",l,l,lihifHfli: 1.ff'H"ll|*:iJ*H**? f : :n''rr'i'v "i" ir''.'r'i*li',p* rnr dcv r co consrrucredlong hard roa4 but I feel 1|run"'tl?Il

flatulcnce anrl piperl it initr.rrry ',,'lltrf

fr. ii'ii* irll, ununiuu orp"iurul';'iil;;;:el"to enough of an apptcctulr'n liri tttv

'wn g;"i;t

"i;uar I euovtie smeirU;i,y i"iilljle music magazines' I lt.po v.tr or{riv nrv ,irr.*s * r".h

This onoe great music and cu_rture rag has gonc scnilc irr irs'kr ngc. Just liko theband of the same name. Roiling srone hit its cre;rivc [cck irr llrc ttrc sixrie*f,nriy cor."til. *ohasjust been steadily rolrin' oo'lvn hilr tprto"" ilrr prlirLii'iiron. r.r,il nragazlnc is srillreleyant i1 the wey that Mick Jagger is itiil se*y. Titcy;rc not, oh ,ur., on ricnsron voumaveat'h a glimp$s of their former greahass, bur if s alwiys nocitng. i;; iil ,-;;6;;;; i;;'srafingst s dricd up shell ofwhat oncp was. Both ofthcsc ogco't<urt 'n' l{oll institurions haveI becn allowod to survive for the nostargia purporo oroui poionrs und .citrrcr hrvo rurvthinc- new.ro bnng to the labre. As for their music reviews? To describc thom ns horiilg lniout JfI lg:.ly:$.ry kind. why are rhey stiltwriring abour rhe Bestl.s? t;r, rilil;;ffi;;'srr*,* ryEpET IT! Can we please move on,

Ill,

: ,i;ug;iri$

ffiffi -e*ffisornethins away *om rutat no ffidtU#'ff.lii: il:ilil3tnl n:ff#in:*-":*3: *i'lat point or g raffi tiwas to m*ke your nanre*n3__,Irr ;di&Tii:Ilml.:m*n tr'1gyi*. $*d;iL .;ffiereo.vardalism. soanonvmis is parr

"r ii- nur ir'---*iilt#ffi ;li;il',Tr*,and artfss rnafte *31s:j-1ry r_"ilil; through theirlfl*:tf *n $avm gns're tar frcfir,fr"e b€oinninn-c nr t

lorns i?,:Xff#t with a camera and,tcok pi*ruru* orhaven,r seen

' ^.,,:Lt:?_?ygw{qy t" sr,o* pltieiolr"J

Every Oay I pass The Bibte House andInvisible Cinema which share an allevwav

. off Lisgar. ltrs usually occupied by a ietivervvan. When it ien't, you can see a paintino oft$ro incandescent ghost heads wtricn toolt<like they want to go in cpposite directions.but can't becauEe they're sharing an eye.Next to it, it oays ':Mom, what OiJtrees tookrmn:n*s":nm:*t#jlfr Fry:ix;:":iar

1tylecanne' ldnionsototnerpI iceuin- ' f f i* . . . .

ffiM.*"ffffiHiHi'fJ;o,*i:, remind me of a snbit

eating something by,,- surrounding it with its

.-t bady and graduaily I,'i ' i djssofuing it. nnotheroneurntirlwrng lr. r{nglnef ono 6 tnege can bg s€en

on the opposite side of Lisgar aUove t f,or tpizra,

which is gtqnlip beside a doonuay;with a biglqlLy Srih.) A tot of rhese are on t6p qrbuildings and are

haven'r seen n, .*rr* *,li;ilfii:#,il#lffilLT-9:T'l ry*n: t" pur any pe'sbn;]ffi; ,iJilljfl*"T,H^lanc ,rdon;i *,il,iiJruk* I.r6riil; ;lrtlfffr i,fiftiff;;"woutd mean I know_lo,,othi;g;;;1, or navs a mind_blowing ineight, *hi*t I gqn;1.irritm, t w"nt to shawinsmern and describing rheflluffioffiiuo r^ffint to use thisa$ an invitation to the.arttsts,rfri'iili tiiese rnro,*s to tatkabout whar rhey u",-nfolil; {';;t d€xpo$e you. kind ofyvay, I'n'r nct going glxe lamesf i

j'*r}nr*ing, t jusf want toKnow more about these *oiiu rnc-birp,* who rnade them.

swih$ing their annsupwards which arefollowed by a splasfrof paint higher on the

..-,,d building * t ike theycan squirt paintfrom their armJ Mi6;.-'ffey're just a reaffy drippy species, Both ofIne$e are on opposite sides of the *amebuilding across the street from Henry,s onBank st,

;'+$.#&.:

Does Stls ,.tdnH sf, {$*q a$on seem

semen?1 rnay f,ash ln thelr rninds,qq$ choose not to revislt the stall

$n: 8ll.{ngl: rt'ia$ng fts terrlbry,, lt .ls ttrerffor-emp*urbsb&d fl,

as: whet is aWtut.mnsti&tes,'lhe,,l@ twoybr;tr dlruct:'ffi

{ount; A laodemGount ls a system of

'1p 6 Blftlcular

lt'&s rn@ning

le whb"who g

:Tm' ffiff;il#il-iL-;l.e.qry adventwii' Deq-tternJiiiir ̂

g, i ;* *nn#"i tt" "Y: i -?l- ?*t-S' -*m::: I reader ard or her detue fu*her into

/l// f d !

'i:i'

{

-_ -W-] ,m.@.lir. yu*k h,e. So spelunking deeper info

-,CarletonI .r],s ,rlm Lv'F yv 3l.rtrturrKtilg ut 4tgr lfl[o .,IdnelcrnlUnlwrsih/s'baffiroom atlture arrd pay a vidt tro Sle_ls fbor of thelTory Bulldlng. We frayel Urrytjgh fie snaking naUnvg-ys Und.."nryt tt*glgan$c sauna-llke cefitrdt Hcture.hall to exntbre Cn erffifitv;ri *,*

,. Venue Mercury

-@-Dear $irs (or, however unlikely, Madams),::?*

,*,!:- wfdffi

ffi flifi l'ffi liHiffi s:.#r#,ilF:1varied in nature. Firsrrv' ""';r?;;;;;il;;s and indirectty:lrt.i$: ?l?

Fisli:l :iTlf-I'ffi lh-# T*jtl

ffi +?--_ innaccurateandsninsultio

} WI'lil:" ;:il ;J H,? ;ffi; ilr"Y"d'l.Hll:

,rffi.ffiffi r"b"-{.:"Y:::,1.1f"i::gF,lif, lSlXHi#Tffi ::ii,illtitliiuiy-tosiall kevs' rhus, vour'1 2 Stepg.llg

unhelpful to ihe point of ridicule'

Where is my music. Your magaaine splici{y siatesthat'my musio is.'here'(s€dpage...this one isn't numbered, a further tBstamsnt to poor quality)..Please explain

varn't tho mill,?hsre rwar romelhing of inicrcrl in lhc rc{rigorltor*and it

5, Stort sittlng in on some classes of people who havs sent u$ hate mail: to gel abetter understanding of what their lives are like, whst they read, and what sort ofthing$ $timulats them, mentally, maybe take notes, then, at the end of class sta4d upend accuse them of sleeping with lhe proffessor in a most heinoue fushion, and'ifanyone questions the tegitimacy of this claim, show them ell of tfie notes that we have.Note$ are legally binding. Jerks.

;41+i

WfrE-

Fq'l

6, 14% more quirk: We used to order it in from tho c€yrnan islsnds, but we found outthat if we put R.c, Mcinto's dog in a bowl and $pin rt around really really fast, lhe stuff

iusidripsoffofhim.WecoIledthedripsandpasstnesavingsontoy.9ul.BlIS0ffllU ||rd4l[tfW . a,/./-/. r.\

7. Better middle east conflict covBrage: we can't afiord a foreign coffespondent; but .rrre can afford to make wild predictions based on how well the ravens are playing.

' i%Alt 'Gi

l;,s]il*l,l-:!r*rjH:,1!]:ifgyjlllJi *gq':c,onr€ntisrnade uv egyptiak r: f?1jglab-?rp5? Their little fingore are perfect for weaving intricata rnetaphoi,IF-\ \WI

lsorno Mind Not Fit For Ptnt?l

Nobody in their right mindE would think thst eound mind was fit for print. Fortunately .:for our readership none of the sound mind leadership seems to adhere to abovesategory of person. Facl is we don't really like to adhere io things, we abscond, ormebbs adhere things to other things, like a blender to the family dog (isn't thai rightcyborg rufus? Make me a daquiri, good boy. Good boy, make one for yoursolf too),But the truth is, we're not making this stuff up, people told u8, I swear. And if youwillfully wieh to blind yourself to the truth, then sir and/or madam you sicken me. Not fitfor print, the Balls. But personally l'm sick of this canker.worm of care preying on rnyvitals so here are some Euggestions for making soundmind more appealing to thosa

2. P.rint on Acid brotter paper: w6're not condonihg drug use, we,ve iust got wav toomucn acrd btottor papgr around. And hey, the kids s€em to like thq sluff,

-

3. More hard hitting reporting: at loagt the first thr6e words of that.

:l0. Srcntqh

Scratch ni sniff shwarma beal

n' Sniff go fucx yrsEfJliiii

:*iiiur r

ir lsf.*

:f;: ,fft;ffi

florfiafnf1e6

&r.run Gknffi.rgurr'1t: :.* 1..r*&"J,1^,;tL su*rer,oJd l.*Ai

? qr6w-\ '5vq*r ,q.{,r.. dn+rr€, C.rn,,r lro,fa, f-tr. i* ri"lm*lq\yr."*^-,f"tffiffffil r r ruyg

t tot'1tg ,

-'lF I r :iii.rll6i:*:.rjil

I believe I was David Bowie in a past life. Or, I should say, Ibelieve I am one of David Bowie's past lives. The idea of reincarnatlon ha$interested me for quite some time now. Of particular interest is the fact that

everyone was a celebrity in a past life, or it seems that only famous people

have the honour ofbeing reincarnated'

The Many Reincaruated Lives of David Bowie

By Stewart Joyce

**'m . - . \*-?

--{-*{x

@Yr1

know why, My aunt owns a dairy farm and a dozen cows in rural Orrrario,yet spend$ most of ber days quoting lines frorn Casablqncaand The Bells ofSt, Maty's in an attempt to foreconnect". The cows pay little attention.But back to the relevant point, modern celebrities have so many different ,lives, They seem to grow out ofthese lives after a while, or discard them ifIt's convenient. So what happens to these lives? I feel they must go backinto circulation,

' t ] '

ry--e| ,v.1 , r r r .vrvrrr . t l l I tvrv 19 rr t , r r '9\-r9sr lg l lu lv l l \

rrrrht, whlch I fortunalely still carry around in my pocket nearly three

rufftrlng,

il:s;,';id; "iiJi- 6i,$3,s0,gnu t1e, Eltra larse cup (for those,;h*;i!;h.FnllJntsn,ienttr'rouu1:Slutt?nD:.?tl*-:?Tl::'f,:s:i?l

cruncnrng fat$e adverilsing,,it also demonstrate, . .onip[t" Jnif undamentsr m isundersta id ins or tne basrr tiiJtr ri iil;i.,i,#,a totaf lack of respect for tqe fiiln of mlfin*-"iLoou inetr'rinn iridi iii"i. r'ttr-. qu"ntirving ot ilirvana '.*. " iflugtu' Does this not

h ea rke n back to,n " "*pioio-tlu"

t Ju oii no" ls"l: oit-?1-ll$

?:t thg pitas. aie gedo

l[i_93_y!311 norrceo .a. s.tsn above tnJ casrr, rt *r,*Gadvertisement for a new Onnf *rfea a ,Ch"i L;ii;i,ffi;:T1*ttky tatre-styled

lTlru* on rnoirn Gril"ioiri"i]if:.Tlr*lT.potentiat consumer ihat "Niru.#i was ,,NowItl9:yl.' I knpw rtsht rhen ;no rh;* tffi ;ffijffifi;:y,:1^lll*,:11{atanrSm to the world at targe, or at teast to yc$ounf ,tullnd readess, eecauJi thijl;*;i#,il;'

er Fqsr rP !cruncning rat;;;;riilro. t atso demonor,iro: :lTtl:^.t

some of yo, so unJui*o-'r""J"*.ffi,!ff "1#

from my friend, Wikipedia.org: "The Buddha in

ffi ffir", the deception becomes t"ro"'*1of;lti3if;li;1rffi*iinw* consider thatthis drink is available ini;il. n tmtiiori*ilattelooste onlv $2'61a madiurn ono$!y1$

rrr"Jia"u"r Churoh? Thi ruling bourgeois claes has cornI iiiiiili*r'v.i.' uv seurng ir irvanl I :T|.3 .Y:*Y' rr r'urvv'vs' e t vrv"' -' rrt;iU'*rto havs' aocumu tated rn0f$l$'aP{althe wealthY in societY,, lnu' a rEpoiab te i n co mo a re jf :Tl *I",i"t H*'n':,'::1iTftnif"O toitr*i, plastic brims with more Nirvana' than the pimp{e {

*;'iiiig;t"i inoiuiouar, *no wo*s hisolly Hl1i:tl?i3g1;;',, ii'ollli-' i"' ouv l'

"ing te smail .chai tafte, shaltryg rolerate

nnnression anv further? Wiiiers unrtg Bg-v!!y!g!,6ffiffi

*

G

N

*t

at

€

F

.r

r{r

A

m

l"*"rsixJ;r$##ji=q"d:ffi : Boycott Cildtrttt"",\

yrtrr later, But I recall that the Buddhist view is that our world ls;'ilibt Noir'ing. has a permanent essence, Everything in it l.,,hrngrs with eaiii passing moment of time, in. an ongoing cyclg olr,irff,,'Orrtfr tnd rebirth. nil-tnings are In a conUnualstate oflltfmomfno, I am not Fradkin, I am Fradkinning' With this cuplrttr, theie ls no chai, but rather chaling' No teabag, but fealNo oup, but lots of cupping' Get the idea? This purportod cup 1Nlrvrns is nothing but an empty chatlce of broken dfgg@qlg

ffie ,guaona wis a Prind'dtro urae'born Into!:*xury.,bYl :ho.:i-!-take a spiritualioumey, into a life of'poverty anfl]suff-erlngl fll$ ll$illn'r *[iiJil' iil';;,ilnot p" r" i,rn.""ndentat e nl ishtenm ent tMliberation from the suffering of Samsara. Nirvana [ 1great . ffiachievement; the hopetul end result of a lifetime of rigolrous .- 1q#

:f, sf $:[[1 J ?:"".f, il:1Hffifu]if,;-.ffiffi,ru"H:;f.N1;"'tr,ftt-**ryf mtil#*,l*:d

rJ

luwunia KilGf87iurnips , \htwuma Palace: 112 turnips i

Shawarrna: 3 turnipsQueen: 70 turnips

lnternational S hawarma ;a Cify,l,;78,turnips

fultt's Place S =lp turnips

out of a hundred I mightras well just give them a,thumbs upor thumbs down. But that wouldn't mean anything. I am inot so self-centered as to think people give a fuck about

not a rating out of a hundred. I don't believ,e in {out of ahundred' rating systems. The numbers assigned arecompletely subjective and have nothing but an arbitaryconneetion to something's value. If I were rating things

personal opinion. Who cares what I like? That has neverbeen the point. Shawarma beat is not about opinion. Theturnlp rating scheme is wholly objective, scientific, andsystematic. The number you see in the column is the end

., Here's a list of the plaees I've reviewed so far,alongwith tH$ii turniP.rating$, ]

As my local shawatma spot, the Prince isresponsible for a solid 30 to 40 percent of my shawarmaintake. But it's not simply convenience that keeps mecoming back. This is a high quality,establishment;,I bringpeople to the Prince all the time. I'm proud of it' Theinsredients are always fresh, the price is right,.they've got a

fuil *unu, and they iven have wiieless intemet.' 'On severaloccasions I've received free baklava for desert. Delicious'The Prince proves that the $owntown core does not havethe monopolv on good shawarma. i .

I wish I had only good things about the Prmce' uur

there is one point that I need to address. O rytt top notch

shawarma piace must have consistently consistent garlic

sauce. Altirough.the Prince's sauce is usually quite good,

o$ee or twioe I..lve noticed that it has beon a bit runny' It's

difficult to precisely judge the consistenoy of garlic saucewithin the sandwich itself' Where you're really going to

notice a difference is with the potatoes. To determineproduct of a cornplicated mathematical equation that takesinto account too many variables to go into at thie tirne. It'been developed specifically to arrive r$ a nunnber diiectlyrepresentative of the bverall merit of the establishmeirt iquestioh, For all you know I don't even like shawarma.

whether your garlic spuce has the proper consistency, askyowself these questions. Does it hold a shape? Does it

cline to the potato, or does it slide ofl? If you can seepoto:to through the sauce you know you're in trouble' Lowviscosrty is exkemgty important' I fike the Prince and\,

'feel that he has what it takes to one day be a Krng i

i.i*$ii:.r

&i:* -ss!'Y. \. tlls[sN*

Ilgp,icatty, sll I'm aiminebyq. \here tfteband:exprersion rs one hundreClppmbecaw$ itsu$ss hrck ofalotrccL- '' .

*ift***tloonfnss might reble to 1'ur, r, me if you sm'inseresd:

,all arqllable

ffi$ff i ,

$tr'lls

-&"'xr,wtlw,If )tu'rsrtslreaftv p{sr$

I

He'll takb care,oi t irel