story attempt

8/8/2019 story attempt

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Chapter One.

Oh holy crap! Is that really the time? I gazed at my watch as if

hoping that the longer I looked, the real, much earlier time

would appear. I should have left half an hour ago! Muttering

expletives that would have had my grandmother in seizures, I

peeled myself out of my elephant beanbag and pressed stop on

the dvd player. It seemed wrong to leave Meg Ryan at the top of

the Empire State building, but I figured Id apologise later.

Anyway she wouldnt get mad at me once Tom Hanks shows up.

God I loved that movie. It was one of my secret shames. When I

wanted to fill in some time or escape to a utopian paradise I

would put Sleepless in Seattle on and pretend that I didnt

know the screenplay by heart.

Already feeling the onset of a panic attack, I hurriedly began to

shove anything that looked remotely useful into the two large

crates on the kitchen table. My apron, knives, and the bulk of

the ingredients were already set up and waiting for me at the

other end. I furtively thanked the guiding stars that I was so

anal in my planning that I had already driven there three times

to check on and set up things. Nitpicking, although somewhat

annoying to others, really does have its uses.

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Why all the cooking stuff? Well tonight was my make or break

debut as a caterer. I had always liked to cook, usually so I could eat

whenever I needed to satisfy a craving. Also, I really hated working

as a pseudo waitress at a local caf run by the spawn of Scrooge.

So I took the plunge and announced to my friends and family my

intentions. It was through one of my oldest friends that I had

managed to land this catering gig. Michelle works as an accountant

in the city somewhere. I can never remember the exact address

because Ive managed to avoid actually visiting her there. Its not

that I dont want to; Im just scared of driving in the city centre with

all those bizarre hook turns, and dont even get me started on the

parking issue. I wont take the option of public transport since the

last elderly man felt himself up while sitting opposite me and tried

to hold my gaze. I still shudder when the no. 6 goes by Anyway,

Michelle works with a guy called Andy whos recently become

engaged and when she heard that he was looking for a caterer to

sort out the engagement dinner, she bullied him into calling me. It

wasnt a large number of people, so I was fairly confident that it

would all work out for the best and I would soon be on my way to

financial security and other associated benefits. That is if I got there

on time.

Groaning and cursing, I managed to drag the crates to my crappy

old Toyota. After a prolonged bout of asthmatic wheezing, I

frantically cleared away old fast food packaging, random items of

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clothes and assorted chick paraphernalia to allow for some sort of

space in the back. Now dont get me wrong, I love my car. She

may not be much to look at with her patchy faded bonnet, multiple

dints and oh so uncool stickers plastered over her behind, but Fifi

and I were a team. Wed been through a lot together. I had

survived my first, last and only driving lesson with my father in her,

wed shared the joys and heartbreaks of a flat tyre, almost run over

several animals, and got hot and heavy in the back seat. Well not

both of us, Fifis too much of a lady. Yes, I named my car Fifi. Well

to call her by her full name, I named her Fifi Trixibelle Pimmington-

Smythe the 3rd. Im not really into naming cars. I really think its a

joke, hence the illustrious title I gave her. You know, it really does

suit her though

Drawing upon energy reserves I didnt know existed, and knew I

would pay for later, I screamed like a wild woman and hauled the

crates into Fifi and onto the back seat. Catching a glimpse of myself

in the side mirror was a big mistake. Like a stupid moth and a

fluorescent bug zapper, I just had to take a second devastating look.

Well hello beautiful. My short dark hair had undergone some

serious mutation. It had transformed from sexy, slightly rumpled

bed hair to a matted wild and crazy birds nest; my eye shadow had

deteriorated so completely that I was rivalling Alice Cooper, two

aliens from the planet Acne had taken up camp on my forehead and

as for my clothes.

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4/23

Aaargh! There was no time to change now. Luckily I packed an

emergency bag for such occasions. I threw it into the car with

my standard heels and leapt into the drivers seat. This energy

seemed pretty pointless considering the constipated state of the

traffic I finally managed to wedge my car into, and that was only

when I managed to cut off a blue rinsed demon in an Austin

1800 who leant on the horn while gesturing offensively with her

gnarled arthritic hand.

James.

Oh great. Hallelujah. It was that time. My mobile gave me a

gentle, yet persistent reminder that I was meant to be elsewhere.

Even the most die hard of the workaholics I was trapped in here

with everyday had managed to slither home to whatever caves they

dwelt in, awaiting the new dawn of a productive work day. I really

couldnt put off leaving for any longer. The evening awaited. An

evening to celebrate the bewildering stupidity of my normally

perceptive best friend. After spending all day trying to flatter and

soothe the overexpanded egos that I had to deal with on a regular

basis, all I wanted was a few pots at my local and after a few more

pots, to round the evening off with a decent kebab, then bed. The

last thing that I felt like was some boring, sophisticated dinner. It

would have to be this evening that my oldest friend and work

partner was celebrating his engagement to The Turkey. Of course

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that wasnt her real name, but Veronica, although she looked like a

goddess, was a nitpicking, shrewish, social climbing woman with a

god-awful laugh that was a lot like a gobbling turkey trapped in a

blender with a mule.

Just thinking of what the evening had in store for me made me

shudder. I could see it now. All her little anorexic harpy friends

would undoubtedly be there, pushing food around their plates,

constantly reapplying their gloss in the bathroom, and all the while

sizing up the available financially secure prey. The food would be

served on oversized slabs of porcelain; the portions would be in

direct contrast with the sizing and most probably consist of garden

weeds and slaughtered baby birds, as seemed to be the fashion of

the times.

I just didnt get it. How Andy could have met, liked and become

shackled to this demon masquerading as a woman was a complete

and utter mystery to me. If nothing else it was an extremely good

reminder that being single was definitely preferable to all the

torment that he was going to be subjected to. Till death do him

part. I really hoped for Andys sake that death came sooner and

swiftly.

Dolefully looking at my watch, I realised that if I was going to get

there at all, I would have to go now. Taking one last look at the

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office, I headed to the car park. Why postpone the inevitable.

Waiting for the friendly chirp of my car alarm, I dropped into the

drivers seat, carefully placed my briefcase onto the slick leather of

the passenger side. I had spent too much on the upholstery to let

rushing to the party equivalent of Armageddon allow me to mark it

in any way. That reminded me. It really was worth the extra two

hours I spent last weekend waxing and polishing her duco. After

allowing myself a minute of silence to appreciate her beautiful

gleam, it was time for a little driving music. I found just the right

thing to suit my mood and put the disc into the player. Turning the

stereo up to almost eardrum tearing volume, I pulled out into the

already constipated traffic accompanied by strains of High way to

Hell.

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Holy mother of all things crap! The only way that I was going to get

there in time was if my car miraculously transformed into either

a hovercraft or an extremely tiny motorbike. Since neither

solution chose to present itself, I chose instead to continue

stewing in the traffic. While I waited for any sign of movement

from the cars around me, I looked in the rear vision mirror and

surveyed the actual damage. My skin had that telltale shiny

blotchiness which seemed to scream out Hello! Look over here!

This one doesnt know how to cleanse tone and moisturise!!

Lets not forget that she also likes to pig out on cheese and

chocolate! Well a little powder and a hell of a lot of concealer

would fix that. I reached into my trusty bag and pulled out a

rolled up electric blue netting skirt, a set of flannel pyjamas and

a pair of extremely tired moccasins that once were pink but

were now a dingy old flesh colour. Oh no! I must have mixed up

my never fail in case of emergency bag with the bag that was

to go to the charity bin, which meant that my good shirt, pants

and my make-up were probably sitting on a shelf in the

Salvation Army at about two dollars each.

Okay Claire, there are two ways to deal with this. You can start to

cry, which I admit feels like the best option now, or you can make

the best of the situation. My pep talk wasnt really convincing, but

I chose not to give myself a snide remark. I would rise above this

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situation. Silk purse, sows ear. Silk purse, sows ear Chanting

this mantra I began to dig around on the car floor while stopped at

the lights. Under the empty boxes of cheese biscuits and old drink

cartons I felt something that could be promising and pulled

There! That doesnt look too bad. I tried to convince myself that

it was going to be possible to wear the wrinkled black sharkskin

trousers that had been festering there since New Years Eve, three

months ago. Well maybe once I picked off the mud and what

appeared to be a small vomit stain

The overlong blaring of a car horn jolted my thoughts back to the

road. I started to move forward. Meanwhile the car behind

continued to rudely sit on their horn. Okay, get over yourself! I

screamed at the reflection of the black penis extension of a car

behind me, and purposely slowed down to a crawl. All this did was

aggravate the situation. The car rode my butt the entire trip until it

passed me with a squeal of rubber at the lights. Impressive? I

didnt think so.

Just my bloody luck. Not only was I stuck in traffic on the way to

somewhere I didnt want to go but had to be there; now I was also

stuck behind one of the worst drivers in Melbourne, who happened

to be female as well. Fucking typical. Driving a bomb with the

studied technique of a manic bowls playing senior citizen.

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Keep it together. Suddenly the radio was unbearable. I switched

it off. Nope. Much worse James, now you are stuck with your own

thoughts and if you keep talking to yourself you are going to want

to throw yourself out of the car. I mean you really are crap at small

talk. Whats the best line youve got? Something about the

weather no doubt. No wonder you are still single. Now where did

that come from? I was happy to be single, if you look at the

alternative of Ronnie the Turkey.

This was getting ridiculous. I accelerated past my tormentor,

cutting her off sharply. Perhaps a little too close, but at this point I

really couldnt give a rats' arse. It was twenty minutes to seven

thirty. I could still make it in time to the dinner from hell.

As far as I was concerned, that ego inflated, status symbolled

accident waiting to happen, issued a challenge I was more than

prepared to accept. I know that Im supposed to rise above

retaliation, but hell. If he wanted to cut me off and get away with it,

he had another thing coming. Easing my foot to press further on

the accelerator, I slowly smiled as I prepared for my bumper to

gently nudge the offending car in front. Just as I was about to

connect with the bumper the lights changed and he sped off again.

Still I had his licence plate and a good friend at the EPA who owed

me a favour

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10/23

Chapter Two

Of course it would start to rain. Why wouldnt it? Well at least I had

found the street, and with ten minutes to spare. Now all I needed to

do was find a parking spot. Pretty easy in a suburb like Carlton

where there were barely enough car spaces for the residents let

alone any hapless fool who needed one. Just as I was giving up

hope, I found one. Hurrah!

Damn! It was a parallel park. So much for the joy I had been

feeling. Bring on the anxiety. I so did not need this right now. I had

never really mastered the parallel park in my car. I did have the

excuse that I only had a mirror on the right hand side, making the

curb impossible to see. Usually I just continue driving until I find a

space that is devoid of any other cars. There was just no time for

that luxury tonight. Heart beating faster, I began to turn on my

indicator. Then there was a squeal of tyres. I glanced in my rear

vision mirror.

No way. No Bloody way. There, behind me in the space that was

rightfully mines sat a smug black Mercedes. The very same car that

had terrorised me earlier was in my CAR SPACE!

Finally.Finally. It had only taken about four laps of the giant block where

Andy lived before I found a park. I mean Carlton is a fantastic

address to have. Well, thats what all the purring trophy wife

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wannabees seem to hint at. But something has to be said about

having an address with available parking for guests. Maybe I should

have just got that bike like I wanted instead of being pushed into

buying the merc. It really does make a better impression, however

free my old bike used to make me feel. Wouldnt be searching for a

park now though, could have just chained it to a fence. Still there

was a parking space and I needed to get it before someone else did.

Gliding into it nose first, I gave out a sigh of relief.

I did not see red. That was too tame a colour for the mood I was in.

I turned off the engine, set the park brake and stormed from my car.

I marched over to the overpriced status symbol, gave a feral smile

to the driver, kicked the immaculate door, and then proceeded to

spit on the bonnet, right in the middle of the gleaming duco.

Satisfied with the speed of the saliva drip, I walked casually to my

car without looking back. Ok, so not one of my classiest moments,

but classy doesnt always make you feel better.

What just happened? Did that just happen? No way could that

have happened Its official. The world has turned against me. I

didnt have time for this, but I would not tolerate it. I made my way

out of the car in an instant and began my tirade before I had even

started to process what I was going to say. This was probably not

going to be my finest hour.

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Hey! Angry footsteps followed. I continued to walk to my car.

Hey, you! The footsteps kept coming. Oh great, this was all I

needed. Spinning around angrily, I spat out a response. What? I

bristled, pulling myself up as tall as my diminished height would

allow. I looked accusingly at the tall dark haired man in a business

suit.

His grey eyes bored into mine like silver bullets. It was as if he was

daring me to lose my cool even more. Well two could play at that

game. I fixed him with a calm yet icy glare. I think you know

perfectly well what. He replied. His voice came out extremely

controlled, clipped and blatantly angry. I mean, what kind of

psycho are you to go and do that to someone elses property? Are

you on medication? Should you be? There was no way I was going

to take his bait and justify his sentiments with a response. I was not

going to lower myself any further. Besides, I never could think of a

fittingly scathing comment off the cuff. If I could stop time for say,

half an hour, then I would be able to triumph. Having no such

abilities to break up the space time continuum, I chose the more

sophisticated approach of opening and shutting my mouth.

I dont have time for this. Apart from that obvious statement, I

was wasting too much energy on a psychotic female obviously on

day release from some facility that was far too lenient when

assessing stability. Enough time had been wasted on this midget

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with blazing eyes and high strung, offensive manner. I turned,

locked my car and made my way to the dinner of doom.

The arrogance of him! Just who did he think he was? I turned on

my heel and got into my car. Slamming the door I quickly reversed,

aiming straight for that immaculate shirt and ridiculous silk tie.

Laughing as he jumped out of the way, I changed to first gear and

sped off whilst leaning on the horn. Bloody prick! Just then I

found an even better car park. This one was right outside the house

I needed to be at, and I still had five minutes to sort everything out.

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Chapter Three.

Adding the finishing touches to the main course, I exhaled sharply

and sat down for the first time in about an hour. Glancing at my

reflection in the swanky stainless steel cabinets of the designer

kitchen, I had to admit that the hot steamy spice filled environment

I was currently residing in had not improved my appearance at all.

Now my short hair was beginning to frizz and my clothing was

spotted with grease stains that the apron just failed to protect.

Sounds emanating from the dining room seemed quite promising.

The snatches of conversation that wafted through when Michelle

whizzed in and out with the food and drink seemed in favour of the

wine that was being served at least. They had already gone

through enough alcohol to pickle an entire German sculling team.

There was nothing left to do now but wait until it was all over. The

chocolate mousse were already sitting chilled in their individual

glasses, waiting for the precise moment to be presented and

devoured with gusto. Well, that was what would hopefully happen

unless something else was going to go wrong today, I muttered. It

had been a pretty crappy one so far and no one was that

unfortunate I decided. Picking up one of the trays I launched myself

confidently into the incubating room of cheesy jokes and lame

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double entendres, straight into a chair that had been conveniently

moved to block all access to the table.

The air seemed to thicken as time extended itself to allow for a slow

motion performance by the mousse as it hit the table and a solitary

glass managed to smear itself over what appeared to be a top

quality suit. Well that was what I thought it was. It was kind of hard

to be certain through all the chocolate, cream and cherries.

Oh I am so sorry. I didnt see the chair. Who leaves a chaircan I

get you anything? Something to eatno, probably not the best idea

huh? Ha ha ha. My mouth kept spewing forth apologetic verbal

diarrhoea as I tried to mop up the worst of the spillage from the fine

wool of the mans jacket with a once crisp linen napkin. My hand

worked fastidiously as I bleated out further apologies, when a warm

firm grip on my wrist stayed my movements. Really, it doesnt

matter The voice seemed familiar. I looked up at him and into a

pair of grey eyes that registered shock. The surprise didnt last long

before they transformed into twin mirrors of rage Oh crap!

I dont bloody believe it.I dont bloody believe it. You! Are you completely deranged and

stalking me now? Did you plan this whole sick twisted scheme?

The words came out before I had a chance to filter them at all. Here

I was. Face to face with this half-wit dwarf who had apparently

taken it upon herself to slowly drive away any last shred of my

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sanity or faith in human kind. A second later, I began to regret

speaking as rashly as her eyes gave a strange feline gleam.

Oh my godOh my god. How funny you look James! Andy, doesnt Jamie look

so silly covered in all that mousse, I could die! Never did I imagine

that I would want to, no, welcome Ronnies nasal, insipid tones, but

here I was. It was officially the twilight zone. The sound rushed in

my ears. I realised that the whole confrontation between me and

the pigmy from hell had gone unnoticed in the crowded room.

Every one had been absorbed in the spilt dessert.

Claiming what little dignity I could muster, I stalked to the bathroom

and surveyed the damage. It wasnt pretty. The suit was written

off. Well the good news was I was going to have to get a new suit,

so I would have to leave the party from hell. What a shame. Just

when I was starting to have so much fun. A short time later, after

avoiding the asinine entreaties from the turkey, which turned

quickly into tearful threats of youll ruin the evening. Everything

was planned for this exact number, blah blah blah blah I was at

home, in clean clothes, slobbing in front of the TV, watching a re-run

of some Tom Hanks movie with a cold beer and no threat of

anything edible being lobbed at me by a demented pygmy. Where

did she get off! Pelting an entire dessert buffet at someone just

because they took a parking space? Get over it. Women. They

so are a different species.

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Well, that couldnt have been a worse night if I had planned it that

way. I mean, how embarrassing. Michelle will never let me live it

down how I performed a full frontal calorie assault on her bosss

best friend. Great. My chances of contracting malaria from a

regular mosquito bite were greater than the chances I have of

picking up clients from that exclusive dinner party. Plus I really hate

it when I lose my temper. I looked like a real idiot tonight. I

couldnt slink home to lick my wounds fast enough. I mean, who did

that guy think he was?! So I had a slight unladylike discussion with

him about parking cars, but the dessert was an accident. The way

he looked at me was inexcusable. I only wish I had keyed that

stupid car of his.

Claire, there is no point wallowing in this spiral of negativity. I

needed to look at the real problem at hand. This mishap had left

me with no jobs lined up. No jobs meant no new income, no new

income meant not affording rent, and this all lead back to having to

scab off my belligerent parents again. Please, let someone up there

have a better solution! I couldnt get through another x number of

months of not so subtle reminders about the vastly increasing debt I

owed my parents. Believe me, they are masters of laying that guilt

on nice and thick.

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There was no other choice but to go back to the joyous world of a

crappy caf waitress. No offence to those who choose this

profession, I just know its not for me. I mean, I dont even like

people, let alone making witty banter, serving their food and dealing

with irrational complaints.

There was only one thing to do when I was as depressed as this. So

I picked up the phone and called J. I could always depend on him to

cheer me up in his own self-depreciating way. Typically the phone

went straight to the answering machine. Now that could mean two

things. Either he was entertaining, highly doubtful, or he was

screening his calls due to his latest theory that 95% of phone calls

are from potential serial killers, stalkers or telemarketing fascists.

Of course if you speak to J in length about this, he will tell you that

the former names are just fancier ones for the latter title. Anyway,

he picked up after I had begun to colourfully abuse him by

describing his latest attempts at nonconformity in the conforming

world. I had just got to the part about him dressing like a designer

slob when, Ok Midge. What do you want? It better be good, I was

watching re-runs of the Gilmore Girls. Did I mention that he also

has a rather disturbing fascination for cheesy family TV shows?

When he isnt watching Rory and Lorelei trade snappy quips hes

settled in front of 7th Heaven for yet another humdrum episode. J

and I have been friends for so long now that I dont question the

absurdness of it anymore.

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I quickly described the events of the evening, and my impending

hospitality hell, trying to ignore the barely smothered laughter from

the other end of the line. Finally, after a full blown snort from J, I

cracked it. Well Im so glad I rang my best friend to cheer me up. I

no longer feel like a bit of a loser, Ive graduated to complete

moronville. Thanks heaps buddy! I began to slam the phone down

when Js tinny phone voice stopped me. Settle down my

melodramatic Midget! You have to see the funny side of this? Im

sure its not the career suicide that you believe. Tell you what, Im

taking you out next Friday. I returned the receiver to my ear. J

always got invited to the best parties. Now by best I dont mean

socially elite, which they probably were, its just that I always have a

good night out with him. I agreed, only after he promised to drive

so I could drink my pain away. Man he was a good friend! Now all I

needed was some kind of job security. I vowed to get up early and

buy the paper to start my employment quest, and maybe a crunchie

and some salt and vinegar chips. Well you cant find a job on an

empty stomach.

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Chapter Four

Primed from a decent nights sleep, I spent all of Saturday morning

circling possible jobs until the paper looked like it was seriously

contagious. Unfortunately, a lot of the jobs I had marked I really

had no qualifications for. I just thought they sounded interesting.

Looking back over the red circles, I eliminated about two thirds of

them which left me with, a babysitting position or helper at a lawn

mowing service.

I guess I could always go crawling back to my old boss. The

problem was he was a real sleaze-ball. I mean the last time I quit

was because he raised the skirt hems of the uniforms by two inches

and if that wasnt enough, he also removed the top button on all the

shirts. When I questioned him about it he just laughed and said

Dont worry sweetie this will make you less frigid and bring in more

customers. You can understand why I wasnt rushing back there.

Just as I was giving up hope my mobile rang. There was just one

problem. I had no idea where I had put it. I eventually unearthed it

in the bathroom from under a pile of discarded clothes. Susannah.

The friend with the Midas Touch. Shes one of those annoyingly

wonderful people who just get everything. To make it even worse,

she is also the nicest person I have ever met. The girl you love to

hate yet cant help but love her too. I can remember the first time I

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met her. We were at uni. I had managed to sit in spilt correction

fluid while wearing my new brown pants and now was sporting a

highly suspicious stain near my crotch. I was desperately looking

for somewhere to curl up and die when I ran into Suze. She of

course looked great, but what I hadnt expected was for her to be

my salvation.

Well the usual Saturday morning run just didnt clear my head as it

normally did. In fact, all it did was allow me more time to mull over

the disaster that was last night. I actually felt a bit bad about what I

had said to that woman. I mean, maybe she was part of one of

those outreach programs for seriously disturbed people. You know

the ones where they try to integrate the freaks back into society

one horrendous incident at a time. I dont, however, feel bad

enough to retract what I had said to the she-demon. No one has the

right to speak to me that way.

I spent a large portion of my morning cleaning and waxing my car.

Ridding any skerrick of malevolent d.n.a. that had been left when

she spat at it like a snotty scab infested fifth grader. Still, it did feel

good to actually interact with someone who hadnt immediately

sized you up as ideal husband and baby making material. That was

a nice deviation from the depressing cycle my life has slipped into.

Anyway, regardless of all the former ranting, its not like I am ever

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going to cross paths with her again so I should just put the whole

incident behind me and move forward. Alone.

The shrill beeping of my mobile phone dragged my thoughts away

from all that touchy feely stuff. Is this Mr James Munro? The

woman had that clinical call centre feel about her voice.

Speaking. What are you selling? I can tell you right now I am not

interested.

Quickly shoving the phone next to my ear I trilled the customary

greeting and awaited the obligatory response. That given, I

launched into my own post-mortem. I quickly outlined the travesty

that was my career suicide, pulling no punches. It was the little

details I was able to include like the textures created when mousse

is splattered on a $700 Armani suit combined with the various

shades of purple the human complexion can change into that really

made my retelling.

Oh Claire. Stop having histrionics. It really wasnt that bad. I

mean, the food was great, andwell the food really was excellent.

Hmm. Not really comforting words. I waited for her to redeem

herself. After an awkward pause, I decided to forgive her this time.

Besides, I was going to need her help if I was planning not to let J

down on Friday night. I decided to take refuge on the couch until

further notice.

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Ideas

after initial fracas with James. Goes home fuming. Is called

by friend to help out at big catering function. (friend helped

her get set up) is already going as a favour to her friend

Christopher as his date for evening. Finds herself seated next

to James

James ends up new boss

Michelle starts dating him double date situation

story attempt

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