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S T R E S S M A N A G E M E N T C E R T I F I C A T I O N

Coaching

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Coaching Course

Module 1

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Lana J. Ford, Ph.D., FAOTA

Coaching Course – Module 1 Handout

©Academy for Coaching, used with permission by Lana J Ford, Ph.D., Certified Coach Instructor Page 2

Coaching Course

Module 1

The coaching course is designed to facilitate your growth as a Spiritual Coach. That means

learning language which is used in coaching.

This week we will cover:

• Words to Avoid Using

• One empowering technique

• Communion with your higher self

• One deep breath empowering technique

• Your assignment: Identify your core values

• Coaching tools: Making requests

• Coaching tools: Active listening skills

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING:

Words to Avoid

If You’re are Properly Licensed

Generally this refers to those who hold professional licenses from accredited colleges and

state licensing boards such as MD, DC,; those in allied health fields such as Physical,

Occupational, Speech or Massage Therapy, and related licensed health practitioners such as

Psychotherapists, and Acupuncturists. (Note – this is only a sample of licensed health care

professionals. If you are licensed you have gone through an approved course of study,

have taken a competency exam, are registered at the state and federal/provincial level and

complete continuing education studies on an annual basis to keep your license current.

If you’re properly licensed by your state, province, district or country you may advise and

diagnose your patient concerning any disease, disorder, condition or symptom included in

the scope of practice defined by your license. You may also prescribe and provide any

treatment for your patient concerning these things.

This means you may analyze, assess, diagnose, evaluate and examine your patient in order

to classify your patient’s particular disease, disorder or condition. We usually call this

“diagnosis.”

It also means you may admonish, advise, advocate, caution, chastise, counsel, disapprove,

give guidance, prescribe, recommend, reprimand, suggest and provide any treatment that

might help your client. We usually call this “counseling.”



It also means you may command, demand, dictate, direct, order, prescribe, require and tell

your client what they need to do. We usually call this “prescribing.”

It also means you can cure, attempt to cure, heal, medicate or treat your clients. You can

help your clients obtain antidotes, drugs, elixirs, medications, medicine, potions and

remedies. We usually call this “treating.”

You can legally do all these things under the “scope of practice” established and defined by

your license board.

If You’re Not Properly Licensed

It is illegal for you to do any of these things. The penalty for doing them is a fine and

incarceration. The more egregious your actions the higher your fine and the longer your

incarceration. People who’ve been there will tell you that you don’t want to go there.

The rule is: You need to avoid using these words.

Stop thinking in terms of diagnosing. You cannot legally diagnose any health, wellness or

nutrition condition, disease, disorder or deficiency. Don’t even think about it. To diagnose

also means to analyze, assay, assess, evaluate and examine. Teach your clients how to

diagnose his or her own issues and problems. Let the licensed people diagnose her or his

condition, diseases or disorders.

Stop thinking in terms of counseling and prescribing. You cannot legally counsel or

prescribe anything to treat any health, wellness or nutrition condition, disease, disorder or

deficiency. Don’t even think about it. To prescribe is also to admonish, advise, advocate,

caution, chastise, counsel, disapprove, give guidance, recommend, reprimand and to

suggest. Teach your client how to prescribe remedies for him or herself. Let the licensed

people prescribe drugs and remedies.

Stop thinking in terms of treating. You cannot legally treat any health, wellness or nutrition

condition, disease, disorder or deficiency. Don’t even think about it. To treat also means to

attempt to cure, doctor, dose, give a remedy, nurse, palliate, prescribe, relieve or offer a

remedy. Don’t do that. Don’t say that – anytime, anywhere, any day of your life.

The Exceptions to this Rule

You may teach your clients how to diagnose, prescribe and treat their own health, wellness,

nutrition, stress, emotional issues and other conditions for themselves. You cannot legally

diagnose, prescribe or treat your client’s health, wellness, nutrition, stress, emotional issues

and other conditions. But you can teach them how to do these things for themselves.

Teaching is highly recommended. Prescribing, diagnosing and treating are not.



You may coach your clients regarding their health, wellness, nutrition, stress, emotional

issues and other conditions. You cannot legally counsel or advise your clients regarding

their health, wellness, nutrition, stress, emotional issues and other conditions. But you can

legally coach and empower them to do these things for themselves.

Coaching is highly recommended. Counseling and advising are not.

You may train your client to become aware of and mange their own health, wellness,

nutrition, stress, emotional issues and other conditions. You cannot legally treat or attempt

to cure your client’s health, wellness, nutrition, stress, emotional issues and other

conditions. But you can legally train to do these things for themselves.

Training is highly recommended. Treating or attempting to cure anything is not.

You may demonstrate techniques and procedures your client can use to take control and

manage their own health, wellness, nutrition, stress, emotional issues and other conditions.

You cannot legally manage your client’s health, wellness, nutrition, stress, emotional issues

and other conditions. But you can legally demonstrate how they can do these things for

themselves.

Demonstrating is highly recommended. Managing your client is not.

So, What Can You Do?

1. You can coach your client to discover what is wrong with them – diagnose

themselves

2. You can coach your clients to discover what will help them – prescribe for

themselves

3. You can teach your client the tools they need to do these things

4. You can demonstrate the tools your clients need to do these things

5. You can train your clients to relax and reduce their own stress

5. You can help your clients relax and reduce their own stress

Just remember:

1. Teaching is teaching. It is not prescribing, diagnosing or treating.

2. Coaching is coaching. It is not advising or counseling.

3. Training is training. It is not treating or attempting to cure anything.

4. Demonstrating is demonstrating. It is just a demonstration.

5. Helping is heaping as long as you don’t break the rules.

Before Beginning a Coaching Session

Please become familiar with shifting your own consciousness



The One Technique

Quantum Mechanics -- a field of physics -- has already proven beyond a doubt that what we

call matter is an illusion. All matter is really rapidly spinning energy. In fact it is spinning so

rapidly it gives the appearance of being an impenetrable solid object. But it is not solid. It's

the illusion the Buddhists and Yogis call Maya.

Each and every atom in any human being, any animal, any plant, any rock or anything in

this world is more than 99 % empty space. Anything you see that is not empty space ... is

an illusion. Our world and everything on it are all part of this grand illusion we call matter.

What you really see is light refracting off a quantity of very fast spinning "invisible" energy.

Secondly, quantum mechanics has proven there is intelligence behind all energy of every

kind. There is a mind controlling the energy -- all energy. This mind can change the shape

and form of energy fields. The shape and form of every energy field is under the control of

an intelligent mind.

More than this, all energy fields appear to have a purpose, a mission if you will. Other

names for purpose include want, need, desire, passion, craving and addiction. These are the

words the ancient Qabala assigns to the astral world, the world of energy under the

dominion of the mind.

The third astonishing fact learned from quantum mechanics is that all energy fields exist

within an ethereal (vibrational) field that creates, sustains and destroys energy fields. The

astonishing part is that these vibration fields appear to be controlled by the emotional mind

rather than the rational mind. The concept that emotions give rise to wants, needs, desires

and passions is a very ancient one also taught in the Qabala that dates back thousands of

years.

In fact these ancient teachings indicate that all things that become manifest in what we call

the physical reality are controlled and changed by the emotional mind. Quantum physics is

in the process of proving beyond a doubt that this is true. It appears that "as a man

thinketh" is the blueprint that determines the course of that man's life. "As a woman

thinketh" is the blueprint for her life.

Not surprisingly, the more positive emotions like love, compassion and charity give rise to

more positive wants, needs and desires. At the same time, emotions like anger, envy and

hatred generally give rise to more negative cravings and addictions like greed, unhealthy

lust and just plain avarice.

Our emotions are the vibrations that control our desires -- our energy world. And our

energy world controls our physical reality. Mystics say that our vibrations (emotions) control

our astral world; and our astral world is the energetic matrix upon which our physical reality

exists.

Underlying our emotional mind and controlling it is our intellectual mind, our thinking mind,

our rational mind. Everything in our physical, energy (astral), and emotional (vibration or

etheric) realities is under the control of our personal intelligence. Everything in our reality is

controlled by our thinking, intelligent mind.



What this all means is:

1. Our physical reality is an illusion created by our own energy field -- our astral body.

2. Our astral body or matrix is our energy body that's created by our emotions.

3. Our emotions are vibrations, our emotional or etheric body, and our feeling mind -- which

in turn is controlled by our individual intelligence, our thinking mind.

Quantum Mechanics goes one step further. Recent experiments prove beyond a doubt that

all individual minds (intelligence) are part of one infinite mind. At the quantum level of our

being we are all one. We are all in this Creation together. We are all in the physical illusion,

astral energy, etheric emotions and mental parts of the creation together.

What is true about humans is also true about animals. They are a physical illusion created

by their energy (astral) body. Their energy body is created by their emotional or ethereal

body and their emotional body is under the control of their mind. They are one and they are

likewise a part of the One Universal Mind -- the Creator of All.

What is true about animals is also true about plants, rocks, crystals, minerals and all other

things of every kind. We are all in this world together. Quantum Mechanics teaches us we

are all one. Everything in the Creation is a part of each of us. And we are a part of

everything in the creation.

What happens to one of us affects us all. What we do to help other people helps all of us.

What we do to harm other people harms all of us. We are, all of us -- everything -- in this

physical reality together for some reason. The big question of quantum mechanics is:

"why?"

We've referenced the Qabala in this article several times. The same teachings also appear in

the ancient Hindu Vedas and Tibetan Buddhist scrolls. The oldest documentation of these

teachings is in the Sumarian tablet dated about 6500 BC that lies hidden in the Vatican

archives. The name of this tablet is KUA-TUM (kua like quad and tum like tomb).

KUA-TUM has a remarkable resemblance to the word Quantum. It is said to mean "thought

(KUA) and space (TUM)." The KUA-TUM says that this thought reflected upon itself --

thought about itself. This reflection caused a vibration -- remember, vibrations are

emotions. And this vibration created an energy field.

The more the thought reflected upon itself, the more powerful the vibration became. The

more powerful the vibration became, the larger and stronger the energy field became. Over

time this energy field began to spin round and round. The faster it spun, the more light it

reflected and matter became a living reality.

What this all means is that each and everything in the creation created itself. Our thought

created emotions (vibration) that created desires (energy) and together these three created

our physical reality. Our physical reality is a result of the trinity composed of thought

(creator), emotion (vibration) and desire (energy).

In the beginning we were all one. By an act of will we separated from each other and

became a part of the illusion in which we live. The question is: "why?"



Mystics of all religions tell us we did this in order to learn more about ourselves with the

intention of becoming one again. They also tell us that in order to become one again we

need to learn how to accept, forgive and love ourselves and all others unconditionally.

This is a process that starts with the decision to accept, forgive and love others more and

more to the best of our ability. Then we accept (energy), forgive (emotion) and love

(decision) more and more to the best of our ability. Over the course of eons we become one

again.

The Lessons of Quantum Mechanics (Physics)

With our own mind we create everything in our personal universe. We create our own

emotions with our own mind. Our emotions are a result of our thinking.

We create our own wants, needs, passions, cravings, desires and additions with our own

emotions which we first created with our own thinking. All of these things are a result of our

own thinking.

We create our life in this illusion we call the physical reality by our own desires. What we

want on every level of our being is what we create in our lives. Everything in our reality is a

result of our thinking.

Now that you have a sense of how consciousness is encoded in your body it is also

important to establish communion with our Higher Self.

Communion With Your Higher Self

Communion with your own Higher Self is a form of meditation. You attain communion with

your own Higher Self by practicing One Deep Breath. Here's an example of how this can

happen:

• Learn the One Deep Breath Technique (this is listed in the next section).

• When you feel comfortable with this technique, do several One Deep Breaths

together with a pause after each inhalation and each exhalation.

• Practice this until it becomes natural and easy to do.

• Add progressive relaxation to this exercise.

• Continue this practice until you can breathe deeply and relax for fifteen to twenty

minutes at a time.

• As you continue this practice you will notice a deep calm and peace come over

you. This deep peace and calm is your response to coming into closer communion

with your own Higher Self.

• Become receptive. Ask questions, and become receptive.

It may take several days or weeks for you to start receiving information from your



own Higher Self. There are many reasons for this. Don't concern yourself with it.

The time will come:

when you "know" the solution to a problem you're facing,

when you hear a small quiet voice with a message of importance to you,

when you see an image of a person, place or thing that has meaning for you.

These are the first fruits of attaining communion with your own Higher Self.

What to Do Next

Decide what you want from your own Higher Self. Then make it your mission to attain that

which you seek. Here are some examples for your consideration:

• Answers to solving problems in your life

• Knowledge of the worlds beyond this reality

• Knowledge of the Source of All Things

• Communication with your spirit guides

• Communication with friends on the other side

• Communication with animals, plants and things on the other side

• Developing your "psychic" abilities -- opening your third eye

• Communication with animals, plants and things in this reality

• Knowledge of your past lives in this reality, this and other planets

• Knowledge of your past lives in other realities on different planes

• Finding a particular job or profession in this reality that fits who you are becoming

• Finding friends and significant other people in this reality

• Traveling the astral and physical worlds to see all there is to see

• Moving into your light body and instantaneously visiting any place in the Creation

• Everything that is, ever was or ever will be is there for you to experience

Use your imagination.



All things are possible

as you begin to communicate

with your own Higher Self.

Some Guidelines For Working With Your Own Higher Self

• Be careful of what you ask for -- you actually do receive what you ask for

• Cause no harm

• Do everything for the highest good of all (Not your will, but the Divine Will)

• Whatever you want manifested in your life requires the appropriate work from you

• Start with small requests to get a feel for the amount of work involved

• The more you want for yourself, the more work is required

• The more you want for others, less work is required

• No work is required if you want peace, inner strength, happiness, joy and healing for

others

• No work is required if you want to accept, forgive and love others

• Ask for truth first

• Ask for knowledge next and things later

• Whatever you do to help others also helps you.

Before beginning a coaching session, invite your client to engage in one deep breath.

Before doing so, it is important you first master this for yourself.

One Deep Breath

One Deep Breath can be accomplished in any position, including a standing, reclined or

sitting position. It is accomplished by following these steps in a relaxed manner:



• Exhale completely; emptying you lungs as far as is comfortable for you. Over time

and with practice you will be able to empty your lungs more and more. Never force

your breath to do anything that causes you any discomfort of any kind.

• Relax and inhale as much air as you can comfortably inhale. Again, do not force

your breath to do anything that causes you any discomfort of any kind.

• While your lungs are full, pause your breathing for a period of time. Do not

concern yourself about how long you are pausing your breath. Remain open so air

can flow freely in and out of your nostrils even though you are not consciously

breathing.

• Comfortably exhale and let go when you're ready to exhale. Do not rush. Do not

hold back. Let the air in your lungs exit comfortably. Do not force your lungs to be

empty but allow as much air to escape as comfortably possible.

• Breathe normally and continue to let go of the tension in your mind and body.

When to Use One Deep Breath

One Deep Breath is useful anytime you need to relax in the moment, to let go of tension, to

gather your thoughts or tune into your Higher Self. With practice all of these things can be

accomplished with One Deep Breath.

Stop what you're doing, close your eyes, take one deep breath, let go and relax.

If you followed this instruction you already know that One Deep Breath can help you relax,

gather your thoughts and tune into your own Higher Self.

Use the One Breath anytime you want to relax, let go, gather your thoughts or tune into

your own Higher Self.

The Benefits of One Deep Breath

• Manage your stress

• Reduce the effects of your stress

• Balance your emotions

• Become calm and peaceful

• Quiet your mind

• Center your consciousness

• Focus your mind where you want it focused

• Improve your mental functioning

• Tune into your own Higher Self



• Let go of the tension in your mind and body

Continual Deep Breathing

By combining one deep breath after another you can increase the benefits of one deep

breath. That is, you can manage your stress for longer periods of time after completing your

deep breathing session.

Whereas one deep breath will help you manage your stress for a few minutes, five minutes

of deep breathing will help you manage your stress for an hour or more. Fifteen to twenty

minutes of deep breathing will help you manage your stress for several hours.

The benefits increase exponentially with longer periods of relaxed deep breathing, one deep

breath after another. Instead of enjoying a few minutes of benefits from one deep breath,

you can enjoy several hours of benefits from several minutes of continual deep breathing.

Your Assignment: Identify Your Core Values

Some coaches jump right into client sessions by asking the client why they are here or to

describe what is wrong. We do it differently. We believe it is primary to know something

about your client before coaching them. It is also a helpful way for you to determine if you

are “on the same page.” Remember we don’t fix anyone, we don’t diagnose, and neither do

we endorse pathology. To shift one’s consciousness and coach our client into self-discovery

and empowering choices we find out “what makes them tick.”

For you to fully participate in this class, we ask you to imagine you are a client. To get to

know who you are, we make a request for you to identify your core values.

Core Values

Values are the things you do or find very stimulating. When you're engaged in these

activities you're happy, you feel like this is what you do best. These are the things that

make us feel connected with others and excited to be living. These things are fun and

effortless for us because this is who we are. Your values are what you really feel you have

to do or be in order to honor yourself.

Values are honest evaluations of who and what you truly are. Values are not hopes, wishes

or what you think you should be doing. Some values are obvious and others are hidden. As

you read through the following list some items will resonate with you, others will not. If an

item resonates with you, examine it to see if it's really something that identifies you or if it’s

a hope, wish or “should”. If it's real, something you need to do or be to express yourself,

check that item. If an item does not resonate with you or if it's a wish, hope or “should”,

forget it and move on to the next item.



What do you have to do to be yourself? Read this question over several times before starting this exercise and as often as

necessary while completing it. Check as many things you have to do in order to express or

be yourself.

___ Accept ___ Accepting ___ Accomplish ___ Acquire ___ Adept ___ Adventuresome

___ Advise ___ Alter the status quo ___ Amused ___ Arouse others ___ Assemble ___ Assist ___ Attain ___ Attractive ___ Augment ___ Awake ___ Aware

___ Beautiful ___ Blissful ___ Bonded ___ Build ___ Catalyze ___ Cause ___ Change ___ Coach ___ Compassionate ___ Connected ___ Contribute

___ Counsel ___ Create ___ Creative ___ Dare ___ Design ___ Detect ___ Devoted ___ Different ___ Discern ___ Discover ___ Distinguished

___ Edify ___ Elegant ___ Empathy

___ Experiment ___ Experience danger ___ Experience life ___ Experience others ___ Expert ___ Explain

___ Facilitate ___ Family ___ Feel ___ Feel good ___ Feel sensations ___ Feeling ___ Follower ___ Forgive ___ Forgiving ___ Free others ___ Gamble

___ Glorious ___ Govern ___ Graceful ___ Guide ___ Have fun ___ Heal ___ Hedonistic ___ Holy ___ Imaginative ___ Impact ___ Improve

___ Influence ___ Influence others ___ Inform ___ Ingenious ___ Inspire ___ Instruct ___ Integrated ___ Intuitive ___ Invent ___ Leader ___ Learn

___ Linked ___ Locate ___ Loving

___ Perform excellently ___ Plan ___ Play ___ Prepare others ___ Prepared ___ Present

___ Quest ___ Radiant ___ Refined ___ Realize ___ Rebuild ___ Relate ___ Religious ___ Resist ___ Respond ___ Responsive ___ Risk

___ Rule ___ Rule maker ___ Save ___ See ___ Seek the unknown ___ Sense ___ Sensitive ___ Sensual ___ Serve animals ___ Serve people ___ Serve plants

___ Serve society ___ Set standards ___ Sex ___ Soft ___ Speculate ___ Spiritual ___ Sports ___ Success ___ Successful ___ Superior ___ Support

___ Supportive ___ Synthesize ___ Taste adventure



___ Empower ___ Encourage ___ Encouragement ___ Endeavor ___ Endorse ___ Endow ___ Energetic

___ Energize others ___ Enlightened ___ Enlightening ___ Enlist ___ Entertain ___ Entertaining ___ Exhilarated

___ Lovely ___ Magnificent ___ Master ___ Mentor ___ Minister ___ Move forward ___ Nurture

___ Observe ___ Optimal ___ Original ___ Passionate ___ Peak ___ Perceiving ___ Perceptive

___ Taste danger ___ Taste wealth ___ Teach ___ Tender ___ The best ___ Thrilled ___ Thrilling

___ Touch people ___ Touch things ___ Travel ___ Uncover ___ Understand ___ Uplift others ___ Venture

Your Assignment

We know it’s a long list. Congratulations for “owning” the things you value. Now, let’s go

one step further: prioritize your core values on a separate sheet of paper. Pick only the top

10.

Keep this for reference during the first class as we will be coaching around core values.

Next you need some basic coaching skills to begin to interface with your client. Keep in

mind that what you learn from the first week will be included in week two. By the time you

get to the fifth week, you will include all the tools taught week by week.

Coaching Tools: Making Requests

Making Simple Requests

When you ask your client a question, you control the discussion between you. The more

questions you ask, the more you are in control. Professionals ask questions to disempower

their clients. Think about how attorneys and law enforcement people question witnesses and

suspects.

Coaches empower their clients by making simple requests. They do not challenge their

clients until the client is ready to be challenged. Even then, Coaches challenge their clients

gently and compassionately.

A simple request is just that. Here are some ways you can introduce a simple request

instead of asking a who, what, why, when, where or how question:

1. Tell me. . .

2. Explain to me what. . .

3. Describe how. . .

4. Clarify what. . .

5. Enlighten me...



6. Illuminate me about. . .

7. Spell out for me. . .

8. Relate to me. . .

9. Inform me about. . .

10. Share with me . . .

Whenever you want to ask a question, reframe it in your own mind and make a request

instead. Correctly stated requests are friendly and not challenging in any way. They keep

the energy focus on the client, not on you.

For example, you want to ask a question starting with who, what, when, where, which, why

or how. Instead, start your statement with: "Tell me (who, what, when, where, which, why

or how)..." You may use several other introductory words as listed above. You may also

start or end with: I'd like you to -- or I'd appreciate it if you (blank).

Two Special Simple Requests

When your client is giving you short and snappy responses and other times then you want

more information, try this approach:

1. Please give me more detail about...

2. Please explain what you're telling me about...

3. I'd like to hear more about...

4. I don't understand...

5. I'm missing something here...

When your client is going on and or, or when your client is giving you too much information,

try this approach:

1. Please tell me the bottom line.

2. Please be more concise.

3. Please share only the most important issues.

4. You're giving me too much detail, (name).

5. You're giving me too much information.

6. Let me jump in here and summarize what you said.

7. I got lost in long description, please simplify.

Making Empowering Requests

If you suggest or advise your client do something, on the average you can expect them to

do exactly what you suggest or advise about two percent (2%) of the time. Advise fifty

people to do something and the mathematical odds are that one of them will do exactly as

you say. If you really work at this skill and become a trained counselor, you can improve

those odds up to twenty percent (20%). That means about ten people out of fifty will do

what you advise or suggest instead of just one or two.

If you make a request and your client agrees to honor your request, on the average you can

expect your client to do exactly as you request forty to sixty percent (40 - 60%) of the time

depending upon how much your client agrees with your request. Requests made by a

trained Coach are two to three times more likely to be honored than suggestions or advice.

That means twenty to thirty people out of fifty will do what a trained Coach requests they

do. That's pretty good compared to suggesting or advising your clients do something.



Empowering requests get right to the heart of an issue. They grab the attention. They are

gentle, and yet they command rapt attention. Examples are difficult to describe because

you have to be there at the time. But, here's an example:

The client was going on and on about how rude and arrogant a neighbor was; how much

this neighbor harassed the client's friends and family. When the moment was right, the

Coach responded: "Tell me precisely what you're going to do about all of this."

You could have heard a pin drop. The silence was deafening. The client was flabbergasted.

It was obvious to the observer that the client was speechless but thinking in silence. Finally,

the client answered: "I don't know." The Coach quickly responded: "Let's look at your

options together. Obviously, one option is to ignore your neighbor."

During the next twenty-some minutes the client did some brainstorming, discarded several

options, made a list of things to resolve, set some goals and started a plan to address the

real issues. You can get the flavor of the impact this simple, yet very empowering,

statement had on this client.

Your Assignment

Practice active listening every day with every person you speak with. Make simple requests

whenever the opportunity to ask a question arises. During your Coaching sessions you'll

have many opportunities to make an empowering request. Seize one such opportunity.

You'll probably learn at least as much as your client does.

During the first group session your course instructor will demonstrate making requests. For

your weekly practice call you will make simple requests.

Coaching Tool: Active Listening Skills

Your workshop facilitator will continue to model both Active Listening and Reflective

Listening for you during your weekly conference call. These two skills and the third skill you

will learn in the third lesson are widely considered the basic coaching communications tools.

Some say these skills account for eighty percent (80%) of all effective coaching. Therefore,

you will be expected to demonstrate the proper use of these three skills as your coaching

sessions unfold.

Active Listening Skills

Active Listening is a process of listening to the content of the speaker's message; and then

repeating back to the speaker, what you heard in your own words. The purpose of doing

this is to clarify your understanding of what the speaker said and to elicit further

communication.

It's important for you to practice using this skill instead of asking questions to keep the

conversation moving. It's more professional and less likely to cause communications

problems with your client. We make many assumptions during most conversations when we

ask questions. We have much clearer communication when we actively listen to

our clients.



Active listening is not parroting. It's a conversational skill you use to interact with your

client, friends, family members and other people. By keying in on the basic concepts of

what the other person is saying you not only confirm that you heard what was said, but you

understand it.

Paraphrase - Do Not Parrot

If you want to get under anyone's skin all you have to do is parrot them. Few things are

more aggravating for most people than being parroted.

When you repeat word for word what somebody said they receive the message that you

really didn't understand what they did say. They feel unheard, misunderstood, ridiculed, put

down and maybe offended. Think about it. Do you enjoy being mimicked?

If you want someone to know you understood what they said, paraphrase what they said in

your own words. They will clarify anything you don't understand. They might go deeper into

the topic of discussion knowing you are in empathy with them. But when you parrot them,

most people tend to clam up or change the topic.

Listen to the conversations around you and identify missed opportunities to develop a

deeper level of understanding and communication through active listening. Mentally practice

what you might say instead by paraphrasing what the other person said.

Example:

Teacher: I'd like to know what you thought about this lesson.

Student: I didn't understand it.

Teacher: You don't know what to say when you're trying to actively listen to your friends.

Student: Right.

Teacher: You don't think you really understand what they're saying.

Student: No that's not it.

Teacher: Please clarify for me.

Student: I don't understand how anybody can tell the other person he understood what

they were saying without sounding weird.

Teacher: I understand you to say you don't feel comfortable telling your friends what you

thought you heard them say.

Student: Right! It all sounds so fake.

Teacher: How I'm speaking with you right now sounds really fake. <smile>

Student: ...

Note to students: Practice is the only way you can become comfortable using this technique.

At first it probably does sound fake. With practice you learn how to focus on the main points

and keep the conversation going. Be patient with yourself and just keep practicing.

If it sounds "fake" to you, it probably is. You can always say something like: "Let me

rephrase that" and give it another try. After all, this is a learning experience. Please relax

and learn.

Your Assignment

Practice Active Listening and Making Requests every day until you become comfortable with

these techniques. Practice listening to your family, friends, clients and other people. Practice

making requests instead of asking questions. The more you practice, the more you'll come

to appreciate these powerful empowering tools.



Your Practicum

Your facilitator will assign you to a small group of three or four people. Each of you will

function as a coach, client and observer in each practice session with other members of the

group. In a group of three there will be one observer and in a group of four there will be

two. The observers are asked to comment on the strengths and weaknesses of each

coaching session.

The “coach” will use all of the skills you've learned to date (week by week). The “client” is to

act as normal as possible and neither aide nor hinder the coach during the session.

In the beginning you will make some mistakes. But if you practice with your friends, clients,

associates, family and other people, you'll find these skills empower other people and they

become easier and easier for you to use.

Plan on one practice session a week with your group. During the last week there will be no

new tools, or techniques, instead each member of the group will be asked to demonstrate

what has been learned.

Note from your instructor:

I want you to know that coaching is fun, insightful and very rewarding for both the coach

and the client. This little story should make you giggle. It was not part of the Academy for

Coach materials. LJF

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked. “What are the

grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, ”About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a

stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but

the answer to your question is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”



Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady why do you want a divorce?

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does.

He said he couldn’t communicate with me.”

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