ISSUE #9 - March 2011

Bridgeport under melodic attack

Sims panic as the mutant musical instruments close in

A musical experiment in Bridgeport Lab gets fa-tally – but ever so pleas-antly-sounding – out of hand.

BRIDGEPORT - Last month, when Bridgeport Lab’s scien-tists revealed their intention to experiment with modify-ing the genes of musical in-struments so they would play themselves, Sims responded to their plans with praise and cheer: the busy city life of the average Bridgeport citizen left no room for the practice es-sential to playing an acoustic instrument well, and the Lab’s

initiative was thought to be the perfect solution to the conse-quent lack of musical joy.

Initially, the scientists believed they had reached an absolute breakthrough. ,,We inserted llama DNA into the instru-ment’s genes to create intel-ligence as well as a sense of consciousness and self-aware-ness. We believed it to be completely safe since though llamas are highly intelligent, they are above all very peace-ful and cute creatures,’’ dr. Bacon explains. ,,Preliminary tests showed the modification to be successful: the Simway grand started playing a piano adaption of Beethoven’s fifth, while our two celli did a mas-terly rendition of Bach’s first cello suite. I need not explain we were ecstatic about this interdisciplinary scientific breakthrough!’’

But the ecstasy was soon diminished to average joy when the Lab discovered the newly ‘conscious’ instruments played the same tune continu-ously – and wouldn’t stop. This spurred the scientists to insert more llama DNA into a larger variety of musical instruments. The experiment got gravely out of hand when the mutation they initiated this time backfired.

,,It was a horrible sight!’’ says dr. Mason anxiously. ,,The pianos, celli and guitars sud-denly jumped up and started walking, breaking the lab building’s windows on their way out. And to make matters worse, they were headed for the city centre!’’For the city centre they were headed indeed: playing a mis-chievous march they strode through Bridgeport, wreaking havoc on their way. Unlucky

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passers-by were surrounded by the mutant instruments, some even swallowed by grand pi-anos. The panic did not end till the police intervened and saved the Sims from their mu-sical attackers.

The scientists believe they ac-cidentally used the DNA of ferocious llamas, which are more intelligent than regu-lar llamas but also evil and cruel, causing the instruments to want to spread destruction and confusion. The project has been discontinued, so self-playing instruments won’t be a common sight anytime soon..

SUNSET VaLLEY TIMESPaGE 2

Government considers ban to wear violetSome Sims wear red, others green. Normal-ly the colour of one’s clothes is not that con-troversial, but a sudden proposal has changed that.

SUNSET VALLEY – The government is sick of a rage that, according to them, has been going on for too long. Some parts of the village seem to be invaded by Sims wearing violet coloured shirts. They are all the rage these days.In order to ban the purple from the streets, official B. Hawles devised a law that will make

all clothing items in the ex-act shade of violet that is all around illegal. ‘That fancy colour just makes my eyes scream with pain,’ he says. ‘And I know I’m not the only one who thinks that way. My entire family and even some friends of mine share my opin-ion!’

Surprisingly, the majority of the government seems to like the idea of prohibiting violet. They argue that nobody will be harmed by not wearing vio-let anymore, but some people are actually harmed when the fancy clothes are still allowed.

The manufacturer of the in-famous purple garments, Viola Gardner, is obviously not as enthusiastic about the proposed measure. ‘It’s dis-crimination! Every individual should be allowed to wear happy colours and spread joy!’Hawles takes no notice of the little protests that have been held. ‘Happy colours are fine with me, just not that exact shade of violet. A shade lighter or darker would be no prob-lem.’

The authorities are going to decide whether the law will be adopted next week.

OPINIONSThe government wants a ban to wear violet in clothesWhat does our panel think of this argument?

School bus driver impresses teacher with choirSUNSET VALLEY – One of Sunset Valley’s favour-ite school bus drivers, Hank Swish, certainly thought of an original way to get atten-tion from the woman of his dreams. He asked the children in his bus to sing a song, which he had written himself, to Ms Jolie, their teacher and his crush. After a week of practic-ing, the children walked into the classroom enthousiastical-ly, performing I love you even more than I love cows to Ms Jolie. She loved it so much, that when she found out Hank was the writer, she decided to go back home on the school bus, even though school had not even started yet. Word is that the children are now still waiting for their teacher, and more importantly, for their ride home.

Mysterious thief steals waterSUNSET VALLEY – Some people in Sunset Valley nev-er experienced such a weird homecoming. The Dorsey family was on a holiday in Shang Simla. Upon return home they discovered their backyard pool to be empty. First the family thought of extreme hot weather, causing the water to evaporate. But the Sunset Valley weather in-stitute says it’s actually been raining quite a lot. “The only explanation we have, is that it’s stolen.” The local police force is currently investigating the mysterious water thief.

Violet fanatics enjoy their day in their favourite colour

James Adley IIISr. Cricket player

ZashaFashion mogul

Marsha MarieHousewife

Well right they are. In my time, the only colours were black and white. And noth-ing else. It was a better time, no bright colour nonsense!

WHAT? What an outrage. Zhis is such a crime against zhe fashion. Oh I’m feeling faint... *thud*

Well violet is the only color on which you can’t see stains. Which is quite important for a housewife!

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iFashionablemusicplayer

COMMUNITY VOICEGreetings, flora and fauna of Sunset Valley. I’d like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention the plight of a forgotten fruit. Its living and serving circumstanc-es are inhumane and degrading. Take dim little creatures like goldfish – today, everyone agrees that putting them into a glass bowl is animal cruelty. But nobody seems to care that every single day the forgotten fruit I was re-ferring to earlier, indeed, the pickle, suffers endlessly in its equivalent of the fish bowl: the wicked pickle jar. Let me state clearly, once and for all: the pickle jar is a pickle’s per-sonal hell. They are crammed into this torture device with way too many at a time: they

can barely move – the un-lucky pickles in the middle can hardly even breathe! Eve-

ryone should agree that this brutal form of crop cruelty ought to be banned imme-diately.

Thus I propose – no, demand! – pickles be packed in com-fortable velvet cases where they can en-

joy their lives and fully realize their personal intellectual po-tential. This will slightly push prices up, but also dramati-cally increase their quality and taste.I mean, doesn’t anyone ever stop to think why pickles are sour? I’ll tell you why, they are sour with tears of pain and agony! I declare, let us give the pickle a chance!

By Dahlia Reid

Underpants designers become com-petitive in big contestSUNSET VALLEY – The un-derpants design contest that will take place this month is already a big success. A lot of aspiring knicker creators signed up to have a shot at the fabulous prize: a pair of pant-ies so big, that it has the same weight as the winning contest-ant. Although some people seem to think that participat-ing is more important than winning, like Mr Butz:“I have been in the undergar-ment designing for many,

many years. Whenever I make a design, I really want to get to the bottom of it. What will the new undies do with some-one when they wear it? Which emotions does it have to bring about? Really, I’m not inter-ested in the prize. I don’t wear any underwear myself anyway. ... Don’t put that last statement in the newspaper, please.” To see underpants like you have never seen underpants before, visit the Sunset Institute of Modern Art on March 12th.

Eiffel Tower Moves TownsResidents wake up to a shocking surprise.

BRIDGEPORT - Yesterday began like any other for big time movie star Jericho Cul-lum. Waking late after the usual night of partying down town, not only was his coffee and newspaper waiting down-stairs for him, but clearly visi-ble out his penthouse window, just in the distance, was none other than the Eiffel Tower. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I thought maybe I had partied a lit-tle too much the night be-fore. How was this possible? Then I thought to call the po-lice, but I was told they were already on it, literally! On the tower! When I took a limo to the scene I saw the fools hav-ing their photos taken next to it! Madness!”

Investigators have been work-ing around the clock as to the cause of such an event. Mean-while in Champs Les Sims, France, residents are furious about what they are now call-ing “The Theft of the Decade”. Mayor Benjamin Bénézet held a press conference earlier today, saying “Zis iz a catas-trophe! Ze culprit must be ap-prehended. Ze French Govern-ment vil not tolerate zis crime!” But was this a crime? It is seemingly impossible for a person, or group of people, to move an entire tower across the world overnight. Head of the investigation team, Ber-nard Peterson, told reporters: “So far we have begun opera-tions to move the tower back to its original home, where it will be guarded 24/7. We have no more information to dis-close at this time.”

The iconic Eiffel Tower miraculously appears in downtown Bridgeport

A unique design by Mr Butz, called ‘Stains’

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SPORTS RESULTS

On the first Sunday of Febru-ary (also called ‘Llama Sun-day’), the two best Football teams from the nation take on each other in the Llama Bowl. This year’s match was be-tween the Puffers and the Iron-ers. It was exciting from the start, because when the referee blew his whistle to start the match, the teams found out that the game ball was lost. Also some of the players were still in the locker room. Appar-ently they found a spot of mud on their jerseys and requested new ones.

In the end, the Puffers won with a 31 – 25 game. Funny detail; none of the players complained about muddy jer-seys after the win!

COLOPHONSunset Valley Times was created by:

BrandonDaan Dogna JolijnJordy

JVtjeMaartenSuzan Wouter

CLASSIFIEDSLost: My nose. It was running before and I tried to catch it but it was too fast. Have you seen it? Please contact me! 555-2145

Found: A mix tape. It has all sorts of bad music. If you want it back (which I doubt) contact me at uselessstuff@simmail.sn

Looking for: A good taste. I have such a bad taste in clothes so I’d love to have a better taste. Do you have some left? Call me at 1-800 6979

Found: A nose. It just ran into my home. It’s quite worn but still in good shape. Call 555-2789 if you’d like it for a reasonable price.

PERSONALS34yr woman, looking for love, loves long walks along the beach. no. 0766

21yr man, into sports, loves swimming, wrestling. Likes to read poetry. no. 5411

5yr dog, looking for a buddy to have long walks along the road with. Hairy is not a prob-lem! no. 0052

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