. .AND WHAT TO SAY, IN A CHRISTIAN WAY.

Talking to kids about S.E.X.

What is our ultimate goal for our children when it comes to sex?

NO SEX!

Okay, but beyond that. We want…

To keep them from having sex before they are married?

To keep them from getting pregnant before they are responsible for themselves?

To keep them from contracting diseases?

To be virgins still at 18?What’s your goal?

Guilt & Shame vs.Grace & Peace

IF sex is so taboo/sinful/unmentionable that we can’t speak openly about it,

IF they grow up thinking that sex is forbidden and shameful,

THEN how do they accept themselves as sexual beings?

THEN what do they think of themselves if they fail to abstain?

THEN what about later, when we want them to have a healthy sex life with their spouse and give us grandbabies?

Why talk to your kids about sex?

Their peers are / will be talking about sex.

Children’s perceptions of sexuality can be influenced by friends, television, music, movies, etc. Parents need to influence their perceptions.

Why talk to your kids about sex?

Your child’s health Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

At least 25 known STDs today vs. 2 in 1960 1 in every 4 adolescents contract an STD vs. 1 in every

25 in 1970 Some current STDs are fatal.

Pregnancy 8% of total births in Florida during the year 2000

were to women age 18 and under

Why talk to your kids about sex?

Your kids want you to talk to them about it! 94% of teens polled stated that adults should let teens

know they should wait to have sex at least until after high school.

88% of teens say it would be easier to avoid early sexual activity if they were able to have open, honest conversations about sex with their parents.

59% of teens say their parents are their role models of healthy, responsible relationships.

GENERAL SUGGESTIONSSHAMELESS SETTING

DEVELOPMENTAL STAGESBE PROACTIVE

When to talk about S. E. X.

When should you talk to your kids about sex?

Talking about sex is NOT a 1-time

conversation

It is ongoing and continuous

Start young using everyday

events

“Teachable moments”

Child Led: they ask ~ you answer

By talking early through teachable moments you are creating a comfortable environment.

Keep communication lines open.

Establish the fact that you are available when they have questions.

Be honest, “Talking about sex is uncomfortable for me too.”

Provide a “Safe” Environment

Parents often say too little, too late.

Children tend to be most receptive to their parents’ sexual values when they are around 8 or 9.

Students in upper elementary grades are the most likely to make favorable attitude changes about delaying sexual activity.

Talk to them when they’re the most curious, not when they’re most hormonal!

TEACHABLE MOMENTS

HOW SPECIFIC AT WHAT AGE

DO’S AND DON’TS OF COMMUNICATION

ABSTINENCE/VIRGINITY/SEXUAL PURITY

GUILT & SHAME VS. GRACE & PEACE

How to talk to about S. E. X.

Starting the conversation about sex:

Use teachable moments Current events

Bristol Palin and / Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy Media

Commercials TV show content Movies Book or article

Starting the conversation about sex:

Don’t be afraid to practice before having the conversation. Role play with a friend, family member, or spouse. Role play with yourself in the mirror.

I think we need to talk to them about this.

More teachable moments…

Local events Situations involving friends, family members, or people in

the community Child curiosity

Take advantage of questions children naturally ask and facilitate deeper conversations

Changes in your child Visible signs of sexual maturity such as developing

breasts or facial hair

Talking to your young child 3-10 years.

They’ll break the ice before they’re 4!

Book by Deborah Roffman: but how’d I get in there in the first place?

Daddy’s tail is on backwards!

Momma, why does your pee-pee have hair on it?

..but how’d the baby get in there?…and how does it get out?

Tips from Pediatricians

Answer their questions with matter-of-fact responses.

Use the correct terminology and explain what the body part does. Define “private parts”.

Use generic examples so you aren’t describing what mommy and daddy do when they have intercourse. T.M.I.!

Let them explore their bodies without shame. Self-stimulation is normal. Also, fantasies are normal. Explain, they can touch themselves when they are alone. That’s private.

Talking about sex with adolescents

How specific?

Focus on the facts• Anatomy of males and females

• Sexual intercourse and pregnancy / fertility

• Other forms of sex including oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, and physical intimacy

• The physical and emotional side of sex including differences between males and females

Focus on the facts continued…

STDs What are STDs and when is there a risk of contracting them? “Safe sex” and contraception

Rape and date rape Including discussions about risks raised by intoxication and

accepting rides or going places with people who put you at riskSexual rights

You have the right to… stop any sexual contact with a partner at any time. say no to any unwanted touch at any time. make your own sexual decisions. not be pressured into being physical or sexual. not express your sexuality if you choose not to.

Communication

DO:Keep it simpleShare factsUse proper terminologyFind out what your child

knows…listen to their responses and reactions

Be prepared to repeat yourself

Try to appear relaxedBe conscious of your tone of

voice and body language

Communication

DON’T:

Laugh at them or giggle nervously.

Roll your eyes.Talk only about sex! Sex is

interwoven in to: CommitmentCommunicationChoosing a mateMarriageHaving ChildrenExpectations

Open ended = Good Closed ended = Bad

“opens” up a topicRequires

explanation to be answered

Can be answered with a “yes” or “no”

Does not allow for elaboration or discussion

May force your child in to lying instead of being honest

Asking the right questions is key!

Communication

2 most important messages to convey:

“I love you and will always love you.”• And God loves you just as you

are.“I have expectations for you and for your behavior.”• Your future can be healthy and

happy.

Abstinence isn’t just saying “No” to sex

It’s saying “YES!” to the rest of your life

Abstinence education is not “sex is bad”

Not intended to be “just say no”Instead, focuses on helping youth understand

how to achieve goals, create positive relationships, and live the happiest and healthiest life possible

Definition of Abstinence:

A positive lifestyle for an adolescent that promotes self-control, character and a solid foundation for friendships and for committed love within the context of marriage.

Abstinence is the commitment to not participate in sexual activity. -What is the Definition of Abstinence. (n.d). Retrieved January 28, 2006From http://www.greattowait.com/program.html#definition

Youth ages 12 to 17 who had abstinence education defined "abstinence" as including many sexual behaviors while only avoiding vaginal intercourse.

So be specific when you define abstinence with your child.

There are no Guarantees in life…

Abstinence is the only 100% effective method of protection from the

possible physical, emotional, mental and social consequences of sex outside of marriage.

Teens that make a virginity pledge delay initiation of sexual intercourse by 18 months.

BUT, they are one-third LESS LIKELY to use contraception at first intercourse than are their non-pledging peers; and therefore, more likely to become pregnant or contract STD.

So take the best of both schools: Abstinence AND Sex Ed.

http://www.themediaproject.com/topics/abstinencecontraception.htm

Foundation of Strong Relationships

Relationships built on lust

sex

marriage

love

friendship

There is no foundation. It will fall and quickly.

Teen perception that sex will make their relationship stronger = false!

Recent research has found that 61% of teen relationships that involve sexual activity end within 3 months

80% end within 6 months

In the U.S., the typical age at first sexual intercourse is 17.2.

Present and Future Benefits of Abstinence

Emotional Well-Being

Physical Well-Being

Goal Achievement

Dating/Relationships Marriage

Popular Terminology vs. Possible Teen-Brain Interpretations

Wait until you are older

Wait until you feel ready

Wait until you are in Love

Wait until you are in a mutually faithful, monogamous, long term relationship

I’m old enough.

My friends are already doing it.

I feel ready now

I AM in LOVE!!

Whatever! I will be the only virgin left on the planet!

Caution Teen Brain- UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Blame the Amygdala!FeelingsImpulsesGut-level judgmentsEmotional decisions

Girls usually have fully-developed judgment by theirlate teens. Boys, early twenties.

CEO of the Brain = Pre-frontal Cortex

Pre-frontal Cortex functions include:Organizing thoughtsPlanning and decision makingMoral intelligenceRational behaviorAbstract thinking

THIS PART OF THE BRAIN UNDERGOESMASSIVE CHANGES DURING ADOLESCENCE!This affects a teen’s risk-taking behavior and

judgment skills

The importance of Parental Involvement

Teens say their parents have more influence over their decisions about sex than anyone else.

Teens that have strong emotional attachments to their parents are much less likely to become sexually active at an early age

Family Expectations

Expand your definition of Abstinence and purity to include appearance and attitudes.

Let your children know that they are valuable and worth waiting for.

Be specific about what is and what isn’t acceptable in your family- (allowing forgiveness).

Helping Teens Avoid Sexual Activity

Think and reflect about the following questions as truthfully as you can…

If you have answered “yes” to these,

…then you have built in protective factors that will help keep your children abstain from sexual activity!

“Reducing the Risk: Connections that Make a Difference in the Lives of Youth” by Robert Wm. Blum, M.D. and Peggy Mann Rinehart, PhD, Division of General Pediatrics and Adolescent Health, University of Minnesota.

From the Medical Institute for Sexual Health

Remember, there are over 25 sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and some can last a lifetime with no cure, while others can cause infertility and cancers.www.medinstitute.org

What’s the secret to raising kids in a sexually explicit world?

Let them know that sex is a wonderful gift from God, intended to be shared between a married couple.

Ultimately, it is your relationship with your children that ingrains your family’s values and expectations about purity and sex.

Let your child know how you love them and want them to have a future full of healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships. Tell them that healthy futures don’t just happen. They take planning and smart choices.

WHAT IF MY CHILD HAS ALREADY HAD SEX

It’s never too late.

If your teen hasn’t told you so, but you think they are having sex, start with questions.

You know how happy I am to be your mom/dad, right?

I understand that many of the kids your age have sex. How many kids do you know who are having sex?

Tell me about the peer pressure to have sex.

Where are you with all this? How do you feel about your

choices so far?

If they have had sex:Be honest. Share your feelings, But be concerned, not angry.It isn’t too late to be influential on their future choices.

Ask if they’ve been hurt or forced to have sex. Sexual coercion, abuse & violence are NOT okay.

STD screening by M.D. is very important since infections are common among sexually active teens.

Tell them how STD’s can be prevented by using condoms.

Daughter? Pregnancy test. Tell her that there are many ways to

prevent pregnancy before she’s finished being a kid.

Talk with them about emotional consequences of sex, about broken hearts and breaking up.

How to help them return to a sexually pure lifestyle:

Empathize with their conflicted feelings. Remind them that sex is a special gift from our creator

that is intended for a committed, secure relationship. Be straight-forward. They don’t have to keep having

sex just because they already started. Tell them you wish they will wait for their life partner.

Set appointments to talk regularly – daily, before dates, Friday afternoons, etc.

Recognize that it’s not an easy choice to abstain, especially now. Empower their character.

Help them set goals and strategies to minimize temptation and situational struggles.

Grace and Peace

If they did it, they did it. They can’t get that first time back. And the past carries with it physical and emotional consequences. But spiritually, it is possible to start over. Passages to read together: Jesus lesson for Nicodemus in John 3:4 Paul’s letter to Corinthians I Cor. 6:9-11

They need your forgiveness… They need to ask God for forgiveness… They need to forgive themselves……not for who they are or who they’ve become because

they are still your child and a child of God. GRACE…but for the choice they made, for letting themselves

down. PEACE

HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD UNDERSTAND THEIR SEXUALITY FROM A

BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE.

Sex and GodSex and The Bible

God’s Word

Lay a spiritual foundation for sexual purity.Study the scripture’s approach to sexuality

with your kids.God created sex and sex is good!God gives strong instruction on sexual sins.Pray for and with your children as they face

more and more temptation.

Biblical Ideas for Younger ChildrenGod didn’t want Adam and Eve to be ashamed of their bodies. It was okay

with God to be naked. It was okay with God for them to have sex together and

make babies.

Sex is a part of God’s plan for the world. All animals have sex and make babies.

(Noah’s Ark)

Sex is a gift God created for us to join together and become one. God has a special plan for people that’s different from animals:

One partner that we make a family with.

What the Scripture says about Sex, context:

LOVE

John 15:17Rom. 12:9-101 Cor. 131 John 4:7 – 5:5

What the Scripture says about Sex, context:

God’s Gift of Sex

Gen. 1:26-28Song of SolomonProv. 6:20- 35Prov. 7:1-27Matt. 5:27-30Mark 7:18-231 Cor. 6:12-20Gal. 5:16-21Eph. 5:3Col. 3:5-91 Thess. 4:3-8

What the Scripture says about Sex, context:

Sexual Temptation AndForgiveness

Gen. 19: 1- 38Gen. 34: 1-31Gen. 39: 1-22Josh. 6:15-252 Sam. 11:2-12:232 Sam. 13: 1-221 Kings 11:1-131 Cor. 6:9-11

COMMON QUESTIONS/COMMENTS FROM KIDS

“GOOD” RESPONSES

If you need a script:

Primary Questions

Child: What’s wrong with my baby sister? She doesn’t have a pee pee! A penis is the part of a boy that pee comes out of--through

the little hole at the tip. When girls go pee-pee it comes out of one hole called a urethra. There’s another hole close to the urethra called the vagina, and that’s where babies come out when girls are all grown up and become mommies. The other hole in our private bottoms is where poop comes out. It’s called the anus. Boys and girls have anuses.

Child: You have big boobies. Why don’t I have boobies? Breasts are the parts of a woman that make milk for babies

and they get bigger when girls get older.

Young Children’s Primary Questions

They may just be asking about geography, about beginnings and endings. • Where do babies come from?• They grow in their mommies tummies. OR There’s a part inside

women called a uterus and it’s where babies grow.• How does the baby in mom’s belly get out?• The uterus is a big muscle that squeezes and the baby comes

out of the mother’s vagina, which is an opening near where the pee comes out when she goes to the bathroom. Yes, there’s a pee hole, a baby hole, and a poop hole.

• How’d the baby get in there ?• Inside a man’s body there are sperm. Inside a woman’s

body there are ova. When the sperm and the ova join together, that’s called fertilization, and that’s what starts a baby. It’s like Daddies plant seeds inside Mommies and Mommies’ bodies have a special place to grow babies.

Children’s primary questions cont’d.

• Umm…but if sperm are in a boy and ova are in a girl, how do they get together?• That is exactly what God had to figure out when

he made us. So he gave us sex. Sex is how male and female bodies fit together so that the sperm and egg can find each other. The daddy’s penis can fit inside the mommy’s body, in the vagina, an opening between her legs. You know how the tip of the penis has an opening that pee comes out of. Well sperm can come out of there too. The sperm goes inside the woman’s vagina. The vagina is connected to the uterus and the ova, in the woman’s belly, and that’s where babies grow.

Teenage Questions• Everyone else is doing it. Why should I be the one who isn’t.• It might seem that way but that is not true. The majority of

teens in America are not having intercourse. The typical age is 17y,2m. And you are not typical. You are special. I expect for you to wait until you and your life mate are joined before God.

• Pregnancy or STDs won’t happen to me. • I wish that was true. Anytime a boy and girl have sex, there is a

chance of pregnancy, even when using protection. 1 in 3 girls gets pregnant before they turn 20. I’ll bet those girls and the boys who slept with them thought, ‘It won’t happen to me.’ It is the same with STDs, and I do not want for you to become a statistic. Remember, you don’t know who has an STD at your school because you usually can’t tell from looking at a person if they have an STD.

Teenage Questions cont’d.But we are in love and it feels so right.

Just because you feel like you are in love doesn’t mean you should have sex. There are many ways to show love without sex. If he / she really loves you, he / she will respect your choice to wait.

There are girls in my school who are pregnant. That is a big responsibility. I hope they finish

school, have help, and are able to continue working towards their career and other life goals. Did you know that a baby born to an unmarried teen mother who didn’t finish high school is nine times more likely to grow up in poverty than a child born to a married adult woman who did finish high school?

Teenage Questions cont’d.

I feel pressure. Everyone is doing it. I’m not sure I know how to say no.

First, let’s talk about the situations you are finding yourself in where you are feeling pressured to have sex.

Let’s practice how you are going to say no. Remember, call me anytime you are in an

uncomfortable situation and I’ll come get you right away. We can even have a code word that means, ‘Come get me right away.’

Teenage questions continued

You know that I am not a virgin anymore. Why do we keep talking about this? I want to talk about this because I love and care

about you. Just because you have had sex doesn’t mean you

have to continue. You can still say no even if you have said yes before.

There are so many health and emotional risks. Think about what will make you happy and healthy from now on. Let’s talk about STDs and pregnancy so we can be sure you are making healthy choices.

INFORMATION GATHERED AND PROVIDED BY-

TRISTA PALMERJILL STRAKA

VICTORIA CHANMATT WIGGINS

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