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t was Sruly's third session. Hewas less apprehensive this time,a sign that a rapport was being

built between SdY and me. Hestrolled into the room this time,

quickly leaving his mother's side and

sitting himself near the bins with the

crafts. His mother seemed surprised at

his independence, especially after hav-

ing held onto her skirt all the way to the

office. I motioned for her to leave him.Sruly was feeling more comfort-

able. He still, however, had not made

any eye contact with me since he en-

tered the room. I didn't Press him. I

stayed back and gave him the opportu-

nity to make the fust move.Sruly was referred to me bY his

yeshiva for what they noticed as a dif-ficr.rlty in integrating well with the oth-er children in his class. Sruly's rebbe

had realized that he was always getting

into fights with the kids in the class. Itwas usually the entire class versus Sru-

ly. What puzzled the rebbe was that

Sruly was a pleasant child, not the usu-

al troublemaker type that is always on

the radar.The rebbe also noted that al-

though Sruly was a bright child, he had

trouble keeping up with his work and

did not do very well on tests. The

rebbe reported that he observed that

Sdy would stick closely to one spe-

cific child in the class. Sruly would use

this child as a crutch, or even as a go-

between. When he was with largergroups of children, SrulY alwaYs had

this child next to him to answer forhim and communicate his thoughts tothe group.

When he was alone, SrulY seemed

shy and would show difEculty commu-

nicating and making decisions. Sruly

would get very anxious and melt,

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pulling inwards, becoming very quietand nervous. This would lead to taunt-ing and bullying by the other children inthe class, as they noticed Sruly's weak-ness. Sruly dealt with this in the onlyway he knew. He would take on the en-tire class, fighting everyone at once, as

he felt everyone was against him.It seemed like Sruly was trying re-

ally hard to function on his own inclass, but he was still struggling. Hewas trying as best he could, only hewas not equipped for the intricate andcomplex social dynamics and pres-sures associated with being a student.

Most children come of age and goto yeshiva and adapt. They are able tonavigate the many different complexsystems involved in being a student.This is not because they are bom withthese skills. It is because they learnthem at home through modeling fromsiblings and parents and through in-struction and cues.

Think back to when you were a

child. Being a student was far fromchild's play. There can be a lot ofstress, confusion and anxiety associat-ed with the daily routine, even forwell-adjusted children. This gets com-pounded when a child has missed outon some of the normal milestones thatothers experience.

For children to grow up healthyand well-adjusted it is important forthem to feel safe and secure and forthem to have their own space to ex-plore and to just be. Denying a childthese basics can cause them to end uphaving a lot of anxiety. This anxietycan debilitate the child when facedwith difficult or foreign situations andcan thereby hinder their ability toadapt and integrate well into their daily role as a child.

Sruly pulled out a fist full ofwooden popsicle sticks and began toline them up on the floor, as thoughpreparing a blueprint of what he wouldbe building. He made some room onthe floor for his setup, clearing all thetoys in his way.

One at a time Sruly painstakinglystarted to put together all the popsiclesticks, smearing glue on them andpressing one onto another. He talked tohimself quietly, remarking about howbig he will build his wooden house. Af-ter having almost completed an entire

SUMMER 2OI2 ),, yvn,fXJ]DI

wall, the popsicle sticks began to peelapart and fall off. Sruly, obviously frus-trated, tried to stick them all togetheragain. I watched intently as he did thisover and over, knowing full well that itwould come apart again. Sruly wascompelled to do this. He had to getthem all to stay together and make surethey were all nice and tidy. It was hisway offeeling safe and secure.

Sruly was filled with anxiety. Hewas arxious from all the things in hislife that he has absolutely no controlover. He had very little skill at navigat-

ing this anxiety, as he had not yet de-veloped the coping mechanisms neces-sary to deal with these anxieties. So in-stead he tried to calm his anxieties bycreating scenarios for himself that hecan control, such as making the popsicles sticks stay together nice and se-cure. This helped to put the control ofhis universe back into his hands andmake him feel safe. It was, however,when he lost control even on this sim-ple task that his world crumbled and hestarted to tantrum.

Continued on Page 92

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How to Cope... Cont.from Page 91

The wooden popsicle sticks had allfallen over again and Sruly was about togo into crisis mode. Sruly stood up,picked up all the sticks and threw themclear across the room. He watched themfly all over the place and listened to the

sounds they made as they hit the floor,walls and tfie toys in the room. Hestared straight ahead for a moment. Igave Sruly his space. I let him take thisin for himself. This was his session and

I wanted to respect that and give himroom to make his own moves.

Sruly looked up, turned aroundand looked me right in the eye. He was

bringing me into his world now. Imade sure to acknowledge his gesture

with a focused look back and a soft,accommodating smile, as though tosay, "I am here for you."

Sruly said softly, "Those poPsiclesticks are making me crazy the wholetime. They just won't stay together." Ireflected back to him, "You wantedthem to stay the way you Put them and

they just refused. They're being chutz-pedikl' "Exactlyl" said Sruly, with the

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most serious look on his face. I contin-ued,'And when they get chutzpedikyou get rid of them. They have noplace around you if they will not lis-ten." Sruly nodded this time. Heagreed with my interpretation.

Sruly was feeling understood. Hefelt that I got it, I understood what he

was trying to do and I validated hisfrustrations for things that were notgoing his way. With my reflection ofSruly's frustration I was able to vali-date his feelings and relate to what he

was going through without making anyjudgments on his actions or his way ofdealing with this situation. I was usingthe modality of non-directive play-therapy to help bring out Sruly's feel-ings for himself; to hear and examinewithout placing any pressure or judg-ment on him for it.

My reflections were meant to be

interpretive as well. I was reflecting onhis actions while adding some subtleinterpretations of what I thought Srulywas trying to do. Of course, when be-

ing interpretive, the therapist some-

times runs the risk of being wrong. Notalways can the therapist know what thechild is trying to say with his actions.Fortunately, with children this usuallydoes not pose much of a risk therapeu-tically, as the child will tell you rightaway when he feels you are wrong.That is one of the beauties of workingwith children. When you are wrongthey will let you know right away,straight to your face.

I decided to take a more direct ap-proach to the session at this point. I feltthere was a lot of corrective work thatcould be accomplished utilizing thescenario that had been played out here.

I bluntly asked Sruly, "How do youthink we can get those popsicle sticksto do what we want them to do-" I wastaking the initiative here while at thesame time empowering Sruly and put-ting all the solution-seeking and deci-sion-making in his hands,

"I don't know," Sruly quickly an-swered. I validated this and said in a

reflective tone, "You don't know whatto do, you're feeling stuck." I brokedown my question to Sruly this time."You want the sticks to stay togetherand they make you upset when theydon't. What can we do to make themstick better- Is there anything else we

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can possibly (I specifically use the

word possibly so as not to force mY

ideas on SrulY but to make mY advice

available to him) use to help the sticks

stay together better-"At this point I felt it necessary to

introduce some new ideas to SrulY'

Some new skills. I felt that by opening

the doors here and bringing in some

new ideas I could hopefully start to

help Sruly change the pattern of just

struggling for control and then giving

up. By modeling the concept of think-

ing outside the box, he can leam from

thls and apply the same idea to other

situations.Sruly's eYes scanned the room

looking desperately for an idea' I let

him look. There definitelY was no

shortage of things that Sruly could

have uied. The office was full of craftitems and many different adhesives or

clay or string that would have done

the job. Yet SrulY couldn't find anY-

thing to help him out. The anxiety in

Sruly was apparent. I reflected to Sru-

ly on his difficulty finding something

that would ryork. SrulY asked me to

help him out with an idea. I wanted

him to learn how to do this on his

own. I again reflected on his difficul-ties. Sruly was still confused about

what to do.I stood there bY SrulY's side, vali-

dating his feelings and reflecting on

his frustrations. I was there for Sruly,

close by but far enough to give him au-

tonomy over his process. Sruly picked

up several different craft items fromtlie shelf, looking them over and not

being sure what to do. I continued re-

flecting, empathizing with Sruly's dif-ficulty.

Finally SrulY took a big fat roll oftape from one of the bins on the shelf'

Hi walked around the room and col-

lected the popsicles sticks that he had

thrown awaY before. He hurriedlYpeeled off a long piece of tape from the

ioll, a piece much longer than he need-

ed. He laid all the sticks onto the piece

of tape and made sure that they stuck

well to it. He then ripped off another

long piece of tape and attached that to

the-other side of the sticks, trapping

them between two walls of tape' Sruly

then picked uP the whole block and'stood it up. Lo and behold, theY all

stayed together this time. They stayed

firmly in place and did not fall apart' Irefleited to SrulY on this bY brieflY

summarizing his trials getting to this

place, and how in the end he had been

able to figure it out.Reflecting on everything leading

up to Sruly's grand solution was just as

importanl as the solution itself' This

he$ed to bring out the process to Sru-

lv. This helped Sruly be able to learn

from his own trials and errors and his

own anxieties and hopelessness and

how to bring it around and helP him-

self. Helping Sruly to break old pat-

tems and learn new skills through his

own play and his own process in a non-

judgmental setting is what will help to

pro-ot" growth on his part for future

i"u-ing iod "h*g". (D

Yehudah Z*llermaier, LMSW is a

bilingual Yiddish speaking social

*orln . He Provides counseling and

play therapy services in yeshiuas and-in

private for children and qdults re'

spictively with academic, emotional,

ind sociql dfficulties.Yehudah can be

reached at 7 I 8-43 5-6473.

SUMMER 2ol2 )"uvn lNJlDn

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