th languages - jaico publishing house languages of apology.pdf · the five languages of apology...

JAICO PUBLISHING HOUSE

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TheFiveLanguages

of

Apology

Gar y ChapmanJ e n n i f e r T h o m a s

How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships

THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF APOLOGYISBN 978-81-7992-957-5

© Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas

First Jaico Impression: 2009

No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or

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Acknowledgments 9Introduction 11

1. Why Apologize? 172. Apology Language # 1: Expressing Regret 25“I am sorry.”

3. Apology Language # 2:Accepting Responsibility 37“I was wrong.”

4. Apology Language # 3: Making Restitution 53“What can I do to make it right?”

5. Apology Language # 4: Genuinely Repenting 69“I’ll try not to do that again.”

6. Apology Language # 5: Requesting Forgiveness 91“Will you please forgive me?”

7. DiscoveringYour Primary Apology Language 1058. Apologizing Is a Choice 119

Contents

5 Lang Apol:5 Lang Apol 4/3/08 8:47 AM Page 7

9. Learning to Forgive 13710. Learning to Apologize in the Family 15311. TeachingYour Child to Apologize 17312. Apologizing in Dating Relationships 19313. Apologizing in theWorkplace 20514. Apologizing toYourself 21915. What If We All Learned to Apologize Effectively? 231

Notes 235Group Study Guide 239The Apology Language Profile 269


The F I V E LANGUAGE S

o f APOLOGY

EXPRESS ING REGRET

“I am sorry”

ACCEPTING RESPONSIB IL ITY

“I was wrong”

MAKING RESTITUTION

“What can I do to make it right?”

GENUINELY REPENTING

“I’ll try not to do that again”

REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

“Will you please forgive me?”


In a perfect world, there would be no need for apologies. Butbecause the world is imperfect, we cannot survive without them.My academic background is the field of anthropology, the study of

human culture. One of the clear conclusions of the anthropologist isthat all people have a sense of morality: Some things are right, andsome things are wrong. People are incurably moral. In psychology, itis often called the conscience. In theology, it may be referred to as the“sense of ought” or the imprint of the divine.

It is true that the standard by which the conscience condemns oraffirms is influenced by the culture. For example, in Eskimo (or Inuit)culture, if one is on a trek and runs out of food, it is perfectly permis-sible to enter the igloo of a stranger and eat whatever is available. Inmost otherWestern cultures, to enter an unoccupied house would beconsidered “breaking and entering,” an offense punishable as a crime.Although the standard of right will differ from culture to culture andsometimes within cultures, all people have a sense of right and wrong.

1Why APOLOGIZE?

CH A P T E R


When one’s sense of right is violated, that person will experienceanger. He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person whohas violated their trust.The wrongful act stands as a barrier betweenthe two people, and the relationship is fractured.They cannot, even ifthey desired, live as though the wrong had not been committed.Something inside the offended calls for justice. It is these human real-ities that serve as the basis of all judicial systems.

A CRY FOR RECONCILIATIONWhile justice may bring some sense of satisfaction to the offendedperson, justice does not typically restore relationships. If an employeewho is found stealing from the company is caught, tried, and fined orimprisoned, everyone says, “Justice has been served.” But the companyis not likely to restore the employee to the original place of leader-ship. On the other hand, if an employee steals from the company butquickly takes responsibility for the error, reports that misdeed to thesupervisor, expresses sincere regret, offers to pay for all inequities,and pleads for mercy, there is the possibility that the employee willbe allowed to continue with the company.

Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive. I remember anumber of years ago visiting the town of Coventry, England. I stoodin the shell of a cathedral that had been bombed by the Nazis in theSecondWorldWar. I listened as the guide told the story of the newcathedral that rose beside the ruins. Some years after the war, a groupof Germans had come and helped build the new cathedral as an act ofcontrition for the damages their fellow countrymen had inflicted.Everyone had agreed to allow the ruins to remain in the shadow ofthe new cathedral. Both structures were symbolic: the one of inhu-manity between humans, the other of the power of forgiveness andreconciliation.

Something within us cries out for reconciliation when wrong-doing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is

T h e f i v e L a n g u a g e s o f A p o l o g y


often more potent than the desire for justice.The more intimate therelationship, the deeper the desire for reconciliation.When a husbandtreats his wife unfairly, in her hurt and anger she is pulled between alonging for justice and a desire for mercy.On the one hand, she wantshim to pay for his wrongdoing; on the other hand, she wishes for rec-onciliation. It is his sincere apology that makes genuine reconciliationpossible. If there is no apology, then her sense of morality pushes herto demand justice. Many times through the years I have observeddivorce proceedings and watched the judge seek to determine whatwas just. I have often wondered if sincere apologies would havechanged the sad outcome.

FOR LACK OF AN APOLOGY . . .I have looked into the eyes of teenage rage and wondered how differ-ent life would be if an abusive father had apologized.Teenage violencetoward parents can be traced to two sources. First, the teenager feelswronged by the parents and has never been reconciled. Second, theteenager feels unloved by the parents. In an earlier book, I dealt withthe topic “How to love teenagers effectively.”1 In this book, we willdeal with “How to apologize to teenagers effectively.”

The need for apologies permeates all human relationships.Marriage, parenting, dating, and vocational relationships all requireapologies.Without apologies, anger builds and pushes us to demandjustice.When, as we see it, justice is not forthcoming, we often takematters into our own hands and seek revenge on those who havewronged us. Anger escalates and can end in violence.The man whowalks into the office of his former employer and shoots his supervi-sor and three of his coworkers is typically not mentally unbalanced.That is evidenced by the fact that his neighbors are often shocked thathe would do such a thing. He “seemed so normal.”

He is, rather, a man who burns with a sense of injustice—to thepoint where only murderous revenge will right the wrong. Things

W h y A p o l o g i z e ?


might have been different had he had the courage to lovingly confront—and others had the courage to apologize.

In marriages, domestic turmoil is often rooted in an unwilling-ness to apologize. The wife says, “He treats me like dirt and thenwants to jump in bed with me. How could he do that?” while the hus-band responds, “She treats me like a child and wants to control mylife. I didn’t marry her to get a second mother.” Both are hurt; bothare angry; and both have failed, but neither is willing to apologize.For lack of an apology, they declare war, which sometimes lasts foryears and often ends in divorce or death. Partners in healthy mar-riages are willing to apologize.

CANYOU FORGIVEWITHOUT AN APOLOGY?Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactionsthat are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly within the Christianworldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They oftenquote the words of Jesus, “If you do not forgive men their trespasses,neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”2 Thus, they say tothe wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adul-terous affair, “You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.”Such an interpretation of Jesus’ teachings fails to reckon with the restof the scriptural teachings on forgiveness.The Christian is instructedto forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How doesGod forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, Godwill forgive our sins.3 Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indi-cates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess andrepent of their sins.

When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husbandwhile he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiringof the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus’ teachingis that we are to be always willing to forgive, as God is always willingto forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating



that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not whatthe Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, forthey do not know what they are doing.”4 Jesus expressed His heart ofcompassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven.That shouldbe our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later whenthey acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God.5

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the bene-fit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. Such for-giveness does not lead to reconciliation.When there is no apology,the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice6

and to release one’s anger to God through forbearance.7 DietrichBonhoeffer, the great theologian who was martyred by the Nazis in aconcentration camp in 1945, argued against the “preaching of forgive-ness without requiring repentance.” He referred to such forgivenessas “cheap grace . . . which amounts to the justification of sin withoutthe justification of the repentant sinner.”8

Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by theoffense and opens the door to restoring trust over time. If the rela-tionship was warm and intimate before the offense, it can becomeloving again. If the relationship was simply one of casual acquain-tance, it may grow to a deeper level through the dynamic process offorgiveness. If the offense was created by an unknown person such asa rapist or a murderer, there was no relationship to be restored. Ifthey have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to goon living your lives, although the criminal will still face the judicialsystem created by the culture to deal with deviant behavior.

THE FIVE-GALLON CONTAINERWhen we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seek-ing to make amends with the person who was offended. Genuineapology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconcil-iation.Then we can continue to build the relationship.Without apology,



the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship isdiminished. Good relationships are always marked by a willingness toapologize, forgive, and reconcile. The reason many relationships arecold and distant is because we have failed to apologize.

Sincere apologies also assuage a guilty conscience. Picture yourconscience as a five-gallon container strapped to your back.When-ever you wrong another, it’s like pouring a gallon of liquid into yourconscience.Three or four wrongs and your conscience is getting full—and you are getting heavy.A full conscience leaves one with a senseof guilt and shame.The only way to effectively empty the conscienceis to apologize to God and the person you offended.When this isdone, you can look God in the face, you can look yourself in the mir-ror, and you can look the other person in their eyes; not because youare perfect but because you have been willing to take responsibilityfor your failure.

We may or may not have learned the art of apologizing when wewere children. In healthy families, parents teach their children toapologize. However, many children grow up in dysfunctional familieswhere hurt, anger, and bitterness are a way of life and no one everapologizes.

CANWE LEARNTO APOLOGIZE?The good news is that the art of apology can be learned.What wehave discovered in our research is that there are five fundamentalaspects of an apology.We call them the five languages of apology.Each of them is important. But for a particular individual, one or twoof the languages may communicate more effectively than the others.The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of theother person and being willing to speak it.When you speak their pri-mary language, you make it easier for them to genuinely forgive you.When you fail to speak their language, it makes forgiveness more dif-ficult because they are not sure if you are genuinely apologizing.



Understanding and applying the five languages of an apologywill greatly enhance all of your relationships.

In the next five chapters, we will explain the five languages.Andin chapter 7, we will show you how to discover both your own andanother person’s primary apology language and how this can makeyour efforts at apologizing most productive.The balance of the bookwill look at the challenges in apologizing, forgiving, and then usingthe languages of apology in all of your relationships.

Love Story, a popular movie of the 1970s, included the famousline, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” No; it’s just theopposite. Love often means saying you’re sorry, and real love willinclude apologies by the offender and forgiveness by the offended.This is the path to restored, loving relationships. It all begins by learn-ing to speak the right language of apology when you offend someone.



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