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THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END

1

Hafsa Idrees

The Beginning

after

the End

HAFSA IDREES

2

Copyright 2013 by Hafsa Idrees

PUBLISHED BY: Published by Hafsa Idrees through CreateSpace, in association but no finan-cial affiliation with EynhallowBooks, 2013.

Book Cover Design Roy Eynhallow, 2013.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights un-der copyright reserved above, no part of this publi-cation may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photo-copying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owners and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously.


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Hafsa Idrees

The Beginning

after

the End

Published in association with

HAFSA IDREES

ISBN-13: 978-969-9974-00-7


5

Dedicated to my parents

who taught me the meaning of life

and to everyone who wants to

heal the world with me!

HAFSA IDREES

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Acknowledgements

To my Creator, Guardian & Protector,

For everything.

To my parents,

For the support, love, care, understanding and all

the sacrifices. For feeding me and checking up on

me when I almost forgot to take care of myself.

For appreciating even my negatives & giving me

the best lap to rest in and relax.

To my editor Vlad Mackevic (a.k.a. Roy Eynhallow)

For helping, guiding and supporting me more than

he could. For being there to answer my stupidest

questions and correcting the silliest typos. For his

polishing feedback, appreciation, all his time and

friendship.

To my best friends and siblings,

For picking on me. For supporting me, telling me

that I am special, loved and one in a million and for

cheering me up in my saddest times. I love you all.

HAFSA IDREES

8

To my Colleagues,

For helping me with the things I got stuck with.

For suggestions, encouragement, back stabbing, leg

pulling and support.

To all my author friends from all over the world,

For the friendship, guidance, motivation and ap-

preciation. I have met and become friends with

some of the most amazing people who love me,

respect & value for what I am.

And to everyone else I could thank for many things

but space and time convinces me to stop here.

Thank you for being there!


1

1

MY EYESIGHT WAS GLUED to the painting

hanging over the wall and my mind was stuck in

the memories. I did not realize I was standing and

staring at the ceramic images absent-mindedly for

the past half an hour. Soon after realizing it, I

shrugged and started walking towards the left of

the gallery, sometimes staring and sometimes mere-

ly glancing at the paintings hanging over the walls

and placed on the tables. My mind was still there, in

my past, and it was so hard to shake off the memo-

ries and synchronize it with my present or with the

atmosphere I was currently in.

Oh! That one! What a masterpiece!!!

My ears could register such voices around me.

I so want to buy this one but it is expensive!

I was walking forward and hearing such expres-

sions, or rather wishes people had after seeing such

splendid artwork.

Can we also buy these? The material seems durable,

somebody muttered to someone standing beside

her just at the instant I crossed them. I was trying

HAFSA IDREES

2

my best not to give any impression that I was lost.

There were a lot of people at the exhibition who

knew me, so wearing a smile, though a fake one,

was something mandatory, indispensable if I want-

ed to avoid, or be away from any sort of conversa-

tion or interrogation. In short, avoid being no-

ticed.

A few days ago, I had got an invitation to be at

the exhibition of Patrick Forbes paintings in the town. Seymour Forbes was a very good friend of

my father and his son Patrick was a talented paint-

er. They knew that I loved the paintings and that I

would have a great time visiting the gallery. I had to

be there as I also wanted to spend a day out. My

temperature was stable in the morning when I left

but now I was feeling terribly sick.

Why did the sunset scene in that picture over

there grab me? I asked myself. Maybe because I

love those shades and deeming hues and I can feel

how exactly it feels to say Goodbye?I did indeed

say goodbye to Allan. I did, I did, I did! I repeated

this in my mind incessantly.

Everything was so messed up in my head. Grrh,

Chrissie, youve gone crazy! I thought.

Goodbye could stand for starting a new day or

not starting anything at all. I was talking to myself

and was trying to figure out where I was standing

and what I had become since I excluded Allan from


3

my life. Sometimes in life, you do come across the

moments when you terribly want to cage up some

flashes and preserve that memory eternally in a

time capsule. But this just does not happen. You

have that feeling to experience so that you could

cherish it afterwards. I will add the word repent

to it. Sometimes it is not always about cherishing.

You have to let go. Holding on can be way more

painful than moving on but one can visit the past

occasionally (certainly not to remain in it but just to

keep it alive). The notion of keeping it alive or bur-

ying it also varies from experience to experience

and from person to person. Keeping it alive at

times is excruciating and the memories torture you

in a way that you ache to have them again exactly

the same or you remorsefully regret for creating or

saving those flashes. My mind was thinking and

coming up with the question marks too rapidly, ac-

cusing and excusing, giving reasons and justifying,

sometimes feeling pity and being sympathetic. It

always works this way. Thinking about my past is

my favorite hobby. When I am not found any-

where, I am actually there and it is not in terms of

physical existence, obviously. In the physical world,

I knew where I was. In the world of my thoughts, I

was lost.

I came out of the main exit door of the gallery.

Aaahh! I took a deep breath, then closed my eyes

HAFSA IDREES

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and opened them again. The sky was clear. There

were not many people around. Most of them were

probably inside the gallery. I started dragging my-

self to the parking area. I was walking slowly. It was

crowded by now. I am numb, I thought to my-

self.

*

If all the rules were meant to bend,

And you swore you were my friend,

Now Ill have to start all over again.

Cause no ones going to take your place

And Im scared Ill never save;

All the pieces of a love we made.

And Im so sorry; its not like me,

Its maturity that I am lacking so dont

Dont let me go, just let me know

That growing up goes slow!

The lyrics were playing in my head; echoing

again and again. It was one of my favorite tunes. I

always felt that these lyrics were written for me.

This Sad Song never gets old. Every time I listen

to it, I feel and enjoy it with the same energy. I

never get bored of the composition, lyrics, vocals,


5

music, or anything about it. It takes me to another

world. Lying on my bed, I could see the moon

through my window trying to pierce through the

clouds and scatter silver light all around, cover the

sky with glitter and pollute the darkness. The sky

was clear and I had always adored such a sight of it.

The night had covered the world. I could feel my

heart throbbing sensationally. Feelings certainly

have no restrictions, no boundaries, and no limits.

They dominate you at times and control you irre-

sistibly. Another day in despair was ending. Crying

does not help in anyway. It makes sadness linger

and elevates the intensity of the pain. When you

cry, you get to feel the pain way more deeply and

closely. And it certainly never helps. I could feel

something so quiet inside me wanting to scream at

the top of its lungs. But it would not help either. I

was feeling a constriction in my chest; that very

something in my throat and a defeated heartbeat.

My head was spinning. My temperature was unsta-

ble. Never taking my eyes off the moon, I put a pil-

low over my midriff. Everything around was ap-

pearing vague. Soon, the glitter of the moon started

pinching into my lens so I closed my eyes again. I

tried to see the hands of the clock, where they were

exactly, but I could only see the blackish yellow

square box hanging on the wall. I was tired and it

HAFSA IDREES

6

was so hard to keep my eyelids open. They were

heavy.


7

2

I DID NOT KNOW when I dozed off; when my

heavy swollen eyes with purplish shadows under-

neath just snapped shut. Since lately, it was usually

very hard for me to catch sleep this easily but the

medicine I took was incredibly helpful. Soon after

lying comfortably on my bed and closing my eyes,

thinking of the dark black space, I was sleeping like

a baby doll.

A shrill chirrup threw me back into reality. As I

was struggling to get my phone, my hand caught

the glass placed over the side table and it fell down

onto the carpet, spilling the water that I had not

drunk last night. I succeeded somehow in grabbing

the handset as the ringtone was irritating me too

much. It was just like somebody hammering on my

head.

Hello? Yes? I uttered in a feeble torn up voice

without looking at the name on the screen. I could

feel my throat was horribly scratchy.

Hi, Chrissie! How are you? Still sleeping? Have

you seen the time?

HAFSA IDREES

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Uh! Rose again. My strict, rule-obeying friend.

Yeah! I stayed up late last night. Was actually

reading a book, loved it so lost track of time a bit.

So whats up? I asked. I wanted to cut it short and

I asked her directly, without pausing for niceties,

what the matter was.

Aha, I see! You read too much by the way. I

had called to tell you that Jenna is leaving for Van-

couver the next week so we had decided to throw

her a party and wish her farewell. Also, her birthday

is coming up so it would be All-in-One. Dude, and

you are invited!

She was speaking non-stop as always. Rose was a

real talking machine and spoke at the speed of a

million words per minute. Sometimes I really had

to make an effort to keep my ears and my mind

open and receptive so as to let my brain completely

comprehend what she was saying. The idea of a

party appealed to me and without giving the second

thoughts I agreed.

Oh, wow! I am sure its gonna be great fun.

Been ages since I last saw you guys! I said. I tried

my best to sound excited. I honestly did not have a

faintest clue if Id succeeded or not. I did not like

the way my voice sounded at all.

Oh-kay! That is super cool. I am so damn ex-

cited to see you all. Gosh, I cant wait she want-


9

ed to speak more. The call was getting long and I

was getting annoyed.

Me neither. See you then. Bye love. I discon-

nected the line.

It completely slipped from my mind that I also

had to ask for the day, time and venue. I was such a

goose. And she, being so excited, also forgot to tell

these details. I was glad she texted later and told me

that it was going to be tomorrow. I leaned towards

the back of my bed, still holding the phone in my

hand. It had been infinite moons since I spent a

day out together with my high school friends. Isola-

tion can be contagiously damaging; not just to the

physical but psychological and emotional health

too. I was just unable to decide if I really wanted to

go or not.

In a blur of thoughts, I gathered my energies and

finally left the warm cozy bed to spend the rest of

the day doing something productive. Lying in bed

all day made me lazy. I had no concrete plans,

though. Also, I had not fully recovered yet from

the recent illness.

*

HAFSA IDREES

10

Red, blue, black? No! This plum top would be the

best, I said to myself as I was rummaging inside

my wardrobe for clothes.

I grabbed the hanger out of the closet and ar-

ranged the messed up clothes before closing it, put

it in the bolster and walked to the left side.

Shoes! Gosh, its been long since I came here

to decide for the clothes and shoes this way, I said

to myself. It was tough. I seemed to have lost my

sense of fashion. Really, Id spent too much time in

isolation! I took out a pair which was going well

with plum and checked the time. The clock told me

it was 4:30 pm.

DAMN! I had to be real quick as the party

would begin around 5:30 at Roses place. I almost

yelled at myself as some ruler yells at his subject

when he is in a hurry. It was a twenty minute drive

from my apartment.

I was still feeling weak and languish. I could feel

the pain in my bones all along my body. It pulled

the guts out of me to prepare myself and get ready.

But I had to keep this all aside as I was aching to go

out and enjoy myself. I had got a chance. My doc-

tor had strictly forbidden me to leave the bed but

let it be the price I had to pay. I was longing to have fun. Despite my strongest/deepest desires,


11

something deep down inside me had always

stopped me and I hated even to laugh.

Today I was finally up for it and had made up

my mind: I wanted to laugh like a jester, without

caring how I would look and what people around

would think about me. I wanted my laughter to be

full of energy. I wanted to go all crazy as I used to

be. I was dying to be the old Chrissie who would

spread smiles around, who was nuts and insane and

it was expected of her. The very Chrishuanna Soule

Daddys girl and Mommys eye candy. I smiled at

the thought. I had seen and was still seeing the

darkest time of my life. I had never thought that

my 20s were going to be this excruciatingly strangu-

lating. I was craving for some light, a bright ray to

make its way from somewhere and brighten up my

world as it once used to be. I wanted to go far,

miles away from this circle of suffering I was

trapped in now.

I had put on light make-up and before leaving I

grabbed the carefully wrapped gift: a gold plated

bracelet for Jenna, another good high school friend

of mine. I started my car and the guard of my block

opened and closed the gate as I left. The weather

was unexpectedly pleasant. I could see the clouds

keeping the city cool. It was a great time to be out,

enjoy and have fun. No wonder Rose had checked

HAFSA IDREES

12

the weather forecast before deciding for the day! I

said to myself softly, with a smile.

*

We all are fools to believe in happiness. This is the

worlds greatest lie. There is no such thing in the

world. No such thing ever existed. It is just the pro-

jection of the mind, an illustration of an illusion, a

shade or a mirage and we all are bound to take it in

our heads the other way. Such dorks we are, know-

ingly, I spoke to myself wryly. It is just like a Holly-

wood movie. Not the ordinary stuff, of course, but

a good one. You enjoy watching it, engrossed in

every line, action or scene, and the end has to come

anyway. You have to return back rather sadly to

your fucked up original practical life.

For me, the stupidest thing in the world is to

make or gather memories. I do not know how

someone can cherish a happy memory believing he

once had it and enjoyed in some part of his life and

how someone can be happy on a sad day, thinking

about a memory. I have been at a loss to understand

this complicated world and its ways and to keep up

the pace with it.

I was trying hard to put these thoughts aside,

though. I was driving and I had to be careful.


13

One part in me was pushing me to drive to

Roses street and another part was pulling me away.

I was afraid of meeting so many people ab-ruptly

after a long phase of isolation.

How would I greet them? They will all bombard me with

so many questions! What would I answer to them? How is

the time going to pass there? How long I will have to stay

there for? So many questions and so many answers I

could not find. The first part in me was convincing

me that it all would happen gradually and things

would get back to normal, but not in just a day. All

I had to do was try and give it time. Convincing

myself to attend the birthday cum farewell party,

getting all ready for it and then finally leaving was

one heck of a huge step I believed I just took for

the sake of my peace. I had no intention of screw-

ing it up.

*

I turned my car to a small forest in the town. It was

the north part of Arizona and a very beautiful one.

I hadnt been here for many times but I loved this

place for its majestic beauty, peacefulness and pen-

etrating silence. The beauty and calmness conceals

you from inside and you just forget everything else

HAFSA IDREES

14

and sink in the scene. I parked my car aside and

turned off my phone. I had to do this.

I was walking away from the city, the crowds, the

noise of egoism, the selfishness, indifference, andcallousness. I was walking towards myself to spend

some time with me, to be all ears to what I had

kept inside, what had been burning in me for years

and what I actually was longing to whisper. There

was a peculiar sound of long-fronded trees. The

atmosphere was suffused with the strange smell of

the mud. I could see the climbers and creepers all

around filling the emptiness and beautifying it fur-

ther, on the ground, over the trees just every-

where. The stones, the grass, the dried fallen leaves

they all talk to you if you try to listen to them. I

smiled to them imperceptibly. I was convinced to

believe that they also listen and watch you all the

way. All you need is to discern closely so as to hear

and understand what they are meaning to say. They

have a very different language of expression, a lan-

guage which is quiet but way better than the one we

humans use.

I was walking slowly. The dry leaves were getting

crushed under my feet and I just adored the soft,

crackling sound. It was breaking the perfect silence.

With every step I took, the sadness was creeping

over me, over the trees, stones, and everywhere,

spreading just like a white fog I had seen in fiction


15

movies. I believe the way the forest behaves is dif-

ferent for different people. It certainly knows how

to respond to someone who makes his way here. I

found a fallen log. I walked towards it, drew my

legs under me and sat there comfortably.

It was the same kind of weather when I had met

Allan. I had never known that we would get too

closer to each other; he would get in my head and

become a part of my soul. For, he was the one who

loved me when I was not lovable, he held me up

when everybody else had knocked me down, he

made me smile when others made me cry, he wiped

my tears when others wanted to see them, he was

there for me when everyone I knew left, he was a

real buddy who juggled multiple roles for me, from

a cheerleader to a therapist, to the bestest friend,

to a baby sitter, and so much more just to make me

strong enough to stand tall on my feet. He was the

only one who could understand the hidden mean-

ings of my words, who could interpret the tones of

my voice, who could tell what I was feeling by just

throwing a mere glance on my face. There was

nothing of me which was hidden from him. He

knew every version I had from the baby to the

grown up mature girl. I always respected him for

loving my naked soul and not my naked body. He

was a hero, a perfect legend that is why it was so

hard for me to let go my first and only love affair.

HAFSA IDREES

16

It would have been easier if he was just a human,

an ordinary guy like so many found in the town. I

was lucky to have found a gem among the stones; a

real, precious and unique gem.

It was mid-December when I met him. He was

studying law and loved it. He was a hedonist, a true

believer of pleasure and happiness, and not just a

believer but also someone who would spread it

around and share as well. We became good friends.

Initially, our every conversation was only about ei-

ther academics or current affairs and philosophy.

He always loved it if I came up with contradiction

and made him believe what he did not earlier. He

was receptive and eager to grow and learn new

things, explore himself and the world around, expe-

rience what he has not and be a great man one day.

He never had big dreams. I mean yes, he had, but

not like having a mansion in NYC, a gang of girl-

friends around, piles of dollars and things like that.

He was very different from the world. I would say

he was a man just like I wanted and always

dreamed of. There were times when I used to think

that we were soul mates, we were made for each

other. I felt I knew him long before he was just a

sperm somewhere in his fathers body and how I

enjoyed myself when I used to be with him is just

inexplicable.


17

Words have limitations but feelings and emo-

tions dont. They dont follow any boundaries or

rules like words do. For me, it is a sheer injustice to

put these two dimensions together. I picked up a

stick lying in the mud and started drawing random

things with it on the dust. I had never thought I

was so expressive. My mother Candice had always

taught me that life is really short and even a single

word shouldnt be left unsaid or unheard. And I

grew up this way.

In school, with friends and people I loved, it was

my habit to gift them with small things, with pure

gestures of love like a hug to mom, a jump on dad-

dy, a kiss on his hand, teasing my siblings and then

hugging them tightly. I loved doing these things. It

was the same with him. It was never my intention

to grow feelings or fall for him because I knew we

both could not happen, ever. We had different

paths to follow. It was maybe an intersection of his

path with mine where I met him but he was surely

not to stay. I understood this (in theory), and de-

spite these facts, I started loving him, loving him in

all the honest ways I could. I loved him for what he

was. He realized my unusual caring for him and

told me to step back. He probably knew the cir-

cumstances. Oh! How much I hate these moments

when I am forced to think about all the things I

tried so hard to forget, I terribly wanted to get

HAFSA IDREES

18

them off my memory track, but sometimes return-

ing to memories is just so irresistible.

I threw the stick aside. I was frustrated but feel-

ing alone and scared, scared of being hurt and vul-

nerable. I couldnt stand to see him going even a

slightest inch away from me. Unacceptable, despic-

able, outrageous it was for me to see him getting

along with any other girl. The typical teenage stuff,

but I was born this way; miss-abnormally-

possessive. Even after knowing I loved him so

much, he couldnt just grow those very feelings in

himself for me. He loved me like a best friend, the

closest buddy and the trustworthy chap but he

couldnt ever think along the lines of a man-woman

relationship. I wanted to bring him closer, push

him away (both hurt unimaginably!) and then hug

him and cling forever.

True, every soul in this world wants to be loved.

And even after loving someone hopelessly, madly,

desperately, completely, out of anybodys imagina-

tion; it breaks you, treads on you, drags you merci-

lessly over the floor, you bleed and you can never

be healed. A love without a reward or reciprocation

on at least equal measures is just like a very im-

portant question which never gets an answer.

I could feel my eyes getting wet as a tear crawled

down my cheek at the revival of these memories I


19

had them buried somewhere as they always made

me cry. Cry and elevate the pain. My eyesight was

focused on the reddish beige maple leaves at the

base of the tree right in front of me, making out

with the slow soft breeze which was blowing in in-

tervals. I wiped my face and wrapped my arms

around my bent knees. The wind was making my

long straight blonde hair fly in frenzy.

It was getting dark and the sun was leaving with

the promise of showing up tomorrow. I was look-

ing closely at the sky gray, blue, purple; a mixture

of all such hues and a splendid cover. A beautiful

sky, who was the sole witness of my life story, had

started dripping with stars now. The story had

started in December 1992 and I always eulogized

my childhood. But it was not the time to get there.

I had already had enough memories for today. It

was the time to wrap up the memories and get up

to leave for home. I understood it clearly that a

storm would be waiting for me for not showing up

at the party and not informing anyone, and I had to

brace myself and prepare for it, but the time I spent

only with myself in the forest really was worth it.

HAFSA IDREES

20

3

I WENT TO SLEEP late at night and was feeling

tired when I got up in the morning. I had hardly

slept for 4 hours and I could feel my eyes receding

in the sockets. My back was hunched. Suddenly, as

if in a trance, I got up and walked towards bedside

table and pulled out a drawer. I dont know what

exactly got into my mind. This was a very special

drawer for me: it had the memories of us, all those

I could save, from cards to letters, from small gifts

to any sort of writings or things that could be pre-

served.

You are really beautiful but not like those super models

who make their appearance in the magazines or films. You

are beautiful for what you are, for how you think and how

you take and treat everyone around you. You have a very

unique and beautiful sparkle in your eyes and it shines even

more when you talk. You are beautiful for having the ability

to make others smile even when you are feeling sad or down

yourself. You are not beautiful for something as temporary as


21

your skin, hair or looks. You are beautiful in the terms of

permanence. You are beautiful deep down to your very soul.

I mean each word I just wrote. They are not just the

words but have inexplicable feelings behind.

Love always,

Allan Lyons

I sighed. My hands were trembling and heart

throbbing. I so wanted to cry out loud, cry at the

top of my lungs so that I dont have any tears left

to shed. I kissed the paper, folded it with care and

placed it back in the drawer. I sat right there on the

floor. My heart had started to sink. My eyes stum-

bled upon a card wrapped in a red ribbon. It read

Happy Birthday, Barbie. My mind was connecting

random dots of the memory, and the whole film of

my 17th birthday got played in my mind after hav-

ing a look at that card again. How terribly I wished

to stop the time for ever but I could not. Felicita-

tions this was given to me by him when I gradu-

ated high school. To top it all, I was the top of my

class and it was no doubt a great day.

*

HAFSA IDREES

22

I could not stand looking at the physical ramifica-

tions of my memories. These types of feelings are

really hard to define. You feel wonderful; and at the

same time the pain for not having it anymore

strangulates you horribly.

I had abandoned the relationship I had with

him. Maybe temporarily, but I had. I did it inten-

tionally as a part of self-therapy. My love for himwas a really pure one without any selfish motives or

purposes. I loved him like anything but I guess you

cant be best friends with someone you love with

all your heart. At least I could not handle that. I

thought that by staying away from him, I might be

able to forget him or lessen the intensity of my feel-

ings. But it wasnt helping. I had cut myself off

from the world and all types of bonding. I hated

relations. My parents were already living in Wiscon-

sin; I was away from them and alone here and my

siblings were busily carving their own career paths.

I had no close friends as such. It had always been

difficult for me to open myself to others. I was a

kind of a girl who would keep her issues to herself,

smile when others are sad and spread love around

as much as I could regardless of what I have in the

heart and how I feel at the instant. I could not see

anyone in trouble. But it was always him who knew

me and understood each and every fiber of my

mortal being. Only he knew me down to my roots.


23

Because of this reason, I never got closer to any

other person. Even now, at this psychological

stage, I might talk to the people but then find ways

to sabotage it. I was living in fears, fears of so many

kinds.

I would not say that he did not have any feelings

for me. He had. But those feelings were of a differ-

ent kind. Just like you have different feelings for

your brother, mother, father, sister, friend, spouse,

acquaintance, etc. They all are different relations

that you may have in your life. The same word love

is defined and interpreted differently for all of

them. It has varied dimensions. The way he loved

me was not like the way I loved him. I couldnt just

shift him from his tracks to mine. It is too tough to

define. I know how much my heart was aching to

see him, grab and hug, but I knew that once I was

back there, with him, I would be all dead. I wanted

the addiction to wear off. I realized that it is much

easier to get rid of drug addiction but it is almost

impossible to live a life without someone you de-

pended so much upon. Even if you try, you are not

the same person you used to be, you go farther

from that original version of yours.

The flashes of the memories were sickening me

and I was drained. The best was to close the drawer

and I did it. And then, right at that instant, I real-

ized that if I were going to keep these reminders

HAFSA IDREES

24

save, I would never be able to get him completely

out of my mind. I opened the drawer again, emp-

tied it and grabbed all the things it contained. I had

been saving them since day one but now it was the

time to get rid of them. Because I truly wanted my

usual self back. I took them in the backyard and

placed them in the form of a pile on the ground. I

went to the kitchen and brought the matchbox.

With a drenching heart and squinting feelings, I put

the burning matchstick on top of the pile, stuck a

few under as well, and set the physical existence of

memories on fire. I witnessed a few of my tears

falling in the flame and disappearing. My heart was

filled with sadness. I left the fire burning and came

back inside. I wanted to be dead like those ashes.

Or maybe I was in the phase of burning; I could

see my future in those ashes: at least they were so

free, so light, and so independent.


25

4

IT HAD ALMOST BEEN a month since I last

talked to him; it felt just like a century for me. I had

this understanding deep inside me that Allan would

also be longing to see me. He would have tried all

the possible ways to get to me for he knew I was

not mature enough to live on my own. One thing

that he had always taught me was to stay away from

this cruel world and not to trust anyone with any-

thing, ever. For him, the world was full of dogs and

bitches waiting to hunt me down and chop me up.

He believed that there are very few people who are

good. There was no reason to disagree. He had

taught me that these good and bad parts are in us,

in everybody. Its we who freely choose which part

we allow to take action, and then it makes us exact-

ly what we are. Most of us follow the dark parts

and it had made this globe a dark place to live in.

He wanted to create a bubble and put me in it to

save and protect from the evils and harms, and his

presence in my life was that bubble. I had this clear

idea that abandoning him would also burst it and I

would be vulnerable. I had to keep my eyes open

HAFSA IDREES

26

and be aware of every step I chose to take. It was

really very hard as I had forgotten what his absence

felt like, what it had been like before we met. He

was always there to guide me, save me when some-

thing went wrong and drag me out of the place

where I was not supposed to be. I was addicted to

him in a way, he was my drug and only I know how

empty and hollow I was feeling without him and

how terribly I was sensing his absence and missing

his presence.

The world might have taken me for a worryguts.

One side of me was telling me to shun all these

thoughts, think bad about him, be selfish and hate

him for not marrying me and loving on my terms

but one part of me was telling me that he was pure,

sincere and it was none of his fault. In fact, he nev-

er refused to give me his name because he had nev-

er promised any such thing. Besides, he was ful-

filling all the promises he had made and one of

those was to stay with me and never leave no mat-

ter what. He promised to be there, always. I used to

make fun of this, saying that after my marriage no

one would let me stick to him anymore or else my

husband would banish him from the grounds. I

laughed it off. But today I was wounded; these

wounds were very much different from the usual

ones. I had bruises on my soul, blisters on my

heart, a tortured spirit, blooded emotions, broken


27

feelings and a hollow body. I wanted him to be

around me, I wanted him to slide in with me on my

bed and I would rest my head on his chest, holding

his hand and snuggling. I would never ever let him

go.

His love was the only drug that could satisfy my

thirst, heal me fully and return my pure smiles back.

I had lost peace, I had lost sleep, I had lost the

knack of laughing that would touch the innards of

my soul, and I was losing me. This was such a high

price I was paying; risking my own life and letting it

rust.

Sometimes I wonder why people come closer to

you when they have to leave you eventually. And

even if they do, their departure must not hurt you.

Why does it happen and then you almost stop liv-

ing? Is it your defeat? Or is it all written in the

stars? I believed strongly in the Four Noble Truths

and existence of Karma. True, life is suffering, suf-

ferings have an origin and casual reasons, those

reasons can be ceased to perplex and for that there

have to be certain ways. I was just unable to locate

those, figure out what could be the solution of this

misery and identify the ways to stop it. This was

not abnormal. When you are hanging in a city so

dead, when the thread is getting weaker each day,

when you know you are in limbo, you cannot step

back or move forward, your brain ceases to think.

HAFSA IDREES

28

All you do is moan and indulge in self-pity. There

was one solution that I could think of and it was

staying away from him, pushing him away from

everything but it was not working at all.

I had always heard that the time is a big healer.

Things dont happen overnight but they do get bet-

ter with time. Wounds heal, after all, and getting

them healed slowly is at least better than not having

them healed at all. But for some obvious reasons, I

had believed that time only fills up the bruise or the

cut and covers it up. A scar is always there. It never

vanishes. If something happens to hit near the

same place, the cover would peel off and open the

old wound again.

*

I was young and pretty, pretty like a doll. At the age

of 18, you dont even know what love is exactly and

how things work in a relationship. I had heard that

if you cant love your own self you should not ex-

pect some other person to love you. At the end,

your best friend must be you only. But the truth

was I loved myself when he was around. I loved

each bit of me when he told me I was special. I

loved every feature of my personality when he re-

garded it the best one. I did not know how I was


29

able to love myself when there was no one to ap-

preciate me.

Everything changes: things, feelings, people, pri-

orities, interests, ambitions, preferences, persons,

emotions just everything. Even us, we change

each day a little. That is why every day of ours is

different than the one that is gone. But I was stuck

I dont know why. My feelings for him had not

changed even slightly. Despite all the pain and dep-

rivation, my priority and preference was still him.

My future was incomplete without that single per-

son. People might get an impression that I loved

him for his body or looks, but no I loved him for

what he was as a person and for how he had made

me love myself and explore myself even more. We

understood each other like we didnt even under-

stand ourselves. Physical love is a part of such type

of relationships but it has never been our priority. I

wonder how another human being can become so

important to you. This was the way of the thoughts

and feelings I would never be able to grasp I was

only able to live it.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I could not.

This apartment, this place, this city all was full of

his memories. I suck at forgetting. Memory that is once created in my brain never gets out. It gets

carved there. This is one bad part of having a

strong memory being unable to forget the things

HAFSA IDREES

30

which are best to be forgotten. I dont know how

we forget someone unless we hate him or dislike. I

could not hate him. Those you love, reside in the

hearts. They are with you all the time, in your

thoughts, in your memories, they never leave.

When they dont leave, how can they be forgotten?

And when they cannot be forgotten, how do we

handle the painful absence? How can we deal with

the wait? The. Uncertain. Wait!

God!! I wanted to smash my phone right into

the wall with all the force I could exert. It was the

only thing placed nearest to me but I could not

move. Not even slightly. I was stiff and still, pain-

fully still paralyzed.

*

I was in kitchen and could not hear someone

knocking on the door. They knocked louder and

with more intensity.

Who can it be? I wondered while walking towards

the door. I peeped through the door-hole. There

was a postman. I opened the door with a smile and

he greeted me.

Hello there. Are you Miss Chrishuanna? he

asked.

Yes, I am, I answered.


31

Well, you have got a parcel. Kindly sign here

and receive.

OK. I took the paper from him and signed.

He handed the parcel over to me and left. I

came inside, closed the door and placed it on the

table. I thought of opening it but then I had to re-

turn to the kitchen for something. After which, I

completely forgot about it.

After spending the most of the day in the kitch-

en, I was back in the lounge. I turned on the TV.

As soon as I started surfing through the channels, I

remembered the parcel. I got up, grabbed it and sat

back on the sofa with my legs tucked under me.

First, I tried to guess its contents by looking at

the package. I could not. There was no return ad-

dress. It was a medium-sized box wrapped in black

and white paper. I started opening it slowly, un-

wrapped it with a confused look and a frown.

The top of it read With Love and Best Wishes

My heart skipped a beat.

Who could send me love and wishes like this!

I breathed in and out and opened the box.

For a moment I almost screamed with excite-

ment when I saw what was inside it. There was a

beautiful pendant encrusted with what were per-

haps zircons or some other precious stones (I was

HAFSA IDREES

32

bad at guessing about such things). Whatever it

was, it was super awesome. It had been long since I

received any gift from anyone. Surprises have theirown delight, and the suspense it just takes you.

My gaze fell on an envelope which was there

right beside the ornament. I placed the pendant

down and took it. It was blank on both sides. I

opened it and there was a letter.

Letter? I paused. I still had no idea who had

sent me this.

I opened it and gasped. It read:

Dear Chrissie,

I am sorry that it has been quite a long since I last wrote

to you. This does not mean that I have given up on you or I

dont think about you anymore. I dont know but I might

have given up on me perhaps.

I wont drag the conversation long because I dont know

what you have on your mind regarding me. But I respect eve-

ry decision of yours and you know that.

Baby, I cant take my eyes off you as I always have said.

First I planned to see you at your apartment but then I

thought it was not right. I decided to write to you and this

small gift, though its noble, is just a cry for attention (you

are worth much more). I found this yesterday and it remind-


33

ed me of you. It was made for you perhaps so I bought it

right then.

I considered myself unworthy of love, especially from a

person as perfect, complete and excellent as you. I know how

painful it is for you to forget what you cant get after loving

so much. But today, I would like to confess a few things

which I never confessed before.

Before meeting you, passion and love were something I

had only seen in movies. I had never dreamed of such emo-

tions ever coming to me. I still remember your beautiful hon-

est smile which tingles amorously. Just like you, I am also

vexed and perplexed to see you, meet you, and talk to you

about whatever is happening. I feel it is not right. We have

to talk about it. I know I cant match your gentleness, ten-

derness and feelings but I have always tried to make you as

safe as I could, protect you and love you in all the honest pos-

sible ways. The place that I hold for you right in my heart is

precious beyond any words. I agree that I cant marry you

but that doesnt mean that you are not the type of person Ive

dreamed about. I just cant do that, Chrissie, and I have

explained that to you a billion times. Only I know my heart

is crying while I am writing all this but I dont want to ruin

your future life. I know even if I marry you, I wont be able

to keep you happy. I know I would not come up to your ex-

pectations. Do you think this would give me any sort of

peace? I am not the kind of the guy you deserve. We two are

different personalities. You deserve so much more, so much

better. But I am taking this chance to tell you that whatever

HAFSA IDREES

34

you are doing to yourself is not right for you. You think be-

ing with me would make matters worse, but in my absence

you are doing even more harm to yourself. I have always

promised to be with you through all the thick and thin unless

I am assured that you have found someone who is capable of

keeping you happy and taking good care of you. Even after

that, I would be there.

I always wanted to see you a strong and independent girl

who knows who she is and what she has to do. All this time

I only worked to hold you up. But I am a human too. I also

fall sometimes. But the only answer to my passions and

dreams is you. You are always in my heart, in my mind, in

my thoughts and I ache to meet you. I cant see you dying

like this. I never knew that you were setting yourself off on

this secret suicide mission. I cant stand to see this happen-

ing. I see all my love and efforts going down a drain.

I am living with a yearning that can be satisfied only with

your stupid jokes, loving gestures and caring ways. Please

come back!!!

Ever dreaming about you!

Tearfully yours,

Allan.

My hands were trembling and my heart stuttered

as I read his name at the end. I felt moisture in my

eyes; I blinked repeatedly to clear them. Then I


35

folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope

before putting it on my heart. The world was away

and it was me and my imagination of him now.

Allan! You should not have written to me, I

whispered to the letter, tears dripping from my eye-

lashes.

After such a long time Only I know how

hard it is for me to resist. I cant. You know, I

freakin cant. Ahh! I sighed and burst into tears.

Allan! Allan, please, dont do this to me! Allan!

HAFSA IDREES

36

5

THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS had helped me

realize even more that love comes with pain. A ter-

ribly unkind disservice has been done to us by all

the fairy tales in the world. They lied about the

stark truth of love and portrayed everything so

sweet and simple. They lied that once you find your

true love, you enter into the realm of that happily

ever after and no heartaches, sufferings, pangs of

sorrow come your way. Such deceivers, I won-

dered!

I had so many questions in my mind which were

torturing me.

Whom could I count on to seek these an-

swers? I muttered. I was talking to my brain. It

suggested something. These words came in a sud-

den gush.

Allan! Allan Lyons.

No, no, no! Not him. Not him anymore, I

grunted. My heart and mind were in a wrangle as I


37

tried to convince myself. Not after I have decided

to live alone, without depending on him.

Some questions are better left unanswered. I re-

spected this fact now. When you come across such

a situation, you should stop questioning. When I

was in my early teens, I wanted to have answers to

every question that made its way through my mind

but things were very different now. I told myself

that I could found good questions there were no

restrictions on that but not good answers. I only

knew that I was breathing and it meant that I was

just alive. To live and to be alive are two different

concepts in practice.

Love has pain because all humans are imperfect

and we live in an imperfect world. We make mis-

takes: even after we try to do our best, we do things

we are not supposed to do. Since we humans are

open and vulnerable, those mistakes wound us. The

intensity depends on the type and nature of the

mistake, but it does hurt anyway. When we deny

this fact, we are actually denying the nature of hu-

mans and that of love. I had heard that the pain

which you get as a part of true love is precious. It

teaches you so many things which you cant learn

from books or encyclopedias. Pain is the endorse-

ment of the sincerity of the feelings. Every fiber of

my being was in pain, but unfortunately I was not

HAFSA IDREES

38

learning what I was supposed to. At least not at the

instant.

Books had taught me that you should let this

pain sink into the deepest depths of your soul. You

should count the tears which love gives you as if

they were gold. But how can we like something

which makes us hate everything else? Again, it was

another unanswered question!

I tried to shun all the thoughts which were push-

ing me to meet him. I had to involve myself in

something which could distract me, but nothing

was working. My brain was heavily occupied, and

each time I returned to the same question. I was

stuck between a yes and a no.

*

Time was passing by passing rather quickly. I

thought of renovating my apartment. It sounded

interesting. At least it was something which was

expected to keep me busy and away from all that

mental garbage that was filling my head. I wanted

to do something new, something out of ordinary.

Lets call Rose, I thought to myself. She loved do-

ing such things.

I phoned her and invited her over. She instantly

agreed and left for my place immediately. She lived


39

nearby, just some streets away and in a few

minutes, she appeared on my doorstep. Exuberant

and nicely dressed up as always (it was one of the

things which I had always loved about her). She

was full of energy no matter what. We decided for

the new places of the furniture and other things

and colors for the walls. Now we both were excited

about the new look.

Initially we both talked about random things and

I must admit that she was a superb gossiper. I was

really enjoying her company after such a long time

of having none.

I dont know what got in her mind while rear-

ranging the things in my shelf and she inquired

about Allan.

Chrissie Do you know Jenna is in a huff with

you? She did not like the fact that you didnt show

up on the party! she continued without looking at

me and arranging the books. We were all expect-

ing you

I was standing and staring at the floor cushions.

I answered without looking at her.

Yeah, I understand.

You know what I was wondering? she stood

up and turned to me. I thought you were with Al-

lan!

HAFSA IDREES

40

Allan? I smiled wryly. No! I was not with

him, I said. I had all plans for the party, I even

dressed up, left the place but then I dont know

why I went to the forests.

Forests? she said with surprise in her voice.

And what happened between you and Allan? She

narrowed her eye.

I turned and met her gaze. I was silent for a

moment. I did not know what to tell her. All she

knew was I was madly in love with him.

Rosie, though I loved him but he was a good

friend only, I grumbled to her.

What is going on? She was eager to know. She

walked closed to me and locked her arms behind

her back. For a moment she looked like an investi-

gating officer.

I am trying to stay away from him, Rose! I

snorted and continued. I should have realized it

long ago that we both did not have a mutual future.

You cant live with someone you love the most as

just friends. At least I could not. My expression

was sad, and she could clearly notice. I sat down on

the couch.

How are you dealing with it? She held my

hand and sat down next to me. I mean You

didnt even tell me and decided all this by yourself!


41

Its so hard, I know She was caressing my hand.

She was lovely.

I dont know if I am actually dealing or not. I

am just trying, I muttered.

She was all ears to me at that moment, she was

listening every word of mine very carefully.

I want myself to have that drug forever or not

to have it all at. You have no idea what this pain of

addiction is like, I continued. It had been ages

since I had spoken my heart out to someone like

this and I wanted to continue. She was listening.

Rosie, I think I am not like others, I am a bit

a bit different and I paused and she nodded

agreeing with me.

I wanted to turn away and blink to get rid of the

unwanted moisture in my eyes.

Chris, I know life is hard. Its hard for all of us

but in different ways, Rose said. I know you are

going through hell but the solution you have cho-

sen for yourself is not actually a solution.

What else am I supposed to do? I pleaded. I

cant bear to see him marrying or getting along with

some other girl. It scratches my heart. Terribly. I

almost shouted but did not stop. I think if I could

be away, the pain would grow lesser with time. Ive

heard that time heals.

HAFSA IDREES

42

Though I had heard this, I didnt quite believe

this myth. Not anymore. While I said that, my head

and heart strongly rejected my words. But still there

was a hope that maybe it happens. There must be a

reason why the myth is still not dead.

Rose was listening and thinking, perhaps unable

to decide what to say next. There was silence. We

both were quiet for a few minutes. Meanwhile I

was trying to shake the thoughts out of my head. I

cocked my head to the left side and tried to relax

my nerves.

I understand everything you are trying to say,

she said finally. I do not know what the exact solu-

tion is but I am certain enough that this current

one youve stumbled upon is not right You are

being betrayed by yourself and this worries me.

I got up and checked on the books. There were

still a few left unarranged since when she started

the conversation. I sat there, wiped the dust off the

covers and placed them in alphabetical order. I was

listening to what she was saying.

I am the happiest person when he is around.

But I am the most suffering one when he is not.

The problem is, I want to possess him, I said in a

distorted voice. I got up from where I was sitting

and faced her. She was looking at the painting on

the wall right in front of her. I want him to be


43

mine and only mine. You tell me if its right. I

added while my heart gave a hard thump.

See, I am not an expert on this. But what I

would suggest you is she paused.

Is? I echoed.

Is that you should meet Allan. Tell him how

even this is not working out for you, she told. I

could sense that her heart was full of despair and

concern for me. Tell him everything the way you

just tried to tell me. I am sure he would have the

solution.

She sounded so certain. I choked out a wheezing

sound and nodded. I did not want to say anything,

perhaps I did not have anything to say. I was feel-

ing too miserable to respond.

Has he ever broken his promise? she asked

suddenly.

No. Never! I answered. He is a man of his

words.

When he says he wont leave you, he wont she

said reassuringly. He knows he cant marry you

but still he is not ready to give up on you; he wants

to bear you in every mood and take care of you

He has to have something on his mind, she ex-

plained. You should try it, just try.

HAFSA IDREES

44

I nodded. My brain had ceased to think about it

for the moment. My sight landed on the coffee

maker.

Coffee? I tried to stretch my lips in a grin. The

atmosphere was suffocating me.

Oh, yeah! she said with a smile, standing up.

We both silently wanted to change the topic.

I also had some cookies in my fridge, as well as

other snacks to eat. I asked her to take those out

while I made coffee. It was cloudy outside, but still

warm. We enjoyed the food and spent time togeth-

er till it started getting dark. Since we put a full stop

to that discussion, we never started it again. We

talked about a lot of other things and it was fun.

Also, the monotonous setting of my apartment was

driving me crazy. It was presenting a much better

look now. There were still a few things which

needed attention but we were almost done. I even

enjoyed doing that.

Ah I sighed. Finally a good day after such a

long time.

I realized I was smiling to myself.

*


45

Lying down on my bed and watching the move-

ment of the ceiling fan, I was connecting random

dots in my mind. I seriously wanted to think about

the phase I was going through. I put my arm over

my midriff. This reminded me of my childhood

days. I was much closer to my father than to my

mother. My father was American but my mother

was from Asia. I was a hybrid. My father belonged

to a middle class family but he provided us siblings

with everything we needed. It was love that made

him rich. Whenever I was upset or disturbed about

something, I used to lie on my bed, flat on my

back, with my eyes open wide, lost in thoughts or

despondency. One of my problems was that I

couldnt sleep, my mind being occupied with trou-

bling thoughts. My father always came into my

room, sat next to me, wrapped his big arms all

around my upper body and I felt as if I was hidden

somewhere warm and safe; and told me amazing

bedtime stories which I always loved to hear. The

stories pushed out all the bad thoughts. He always

told me I was special and not like ordinary girls.

Such things always made me happy and put me to

sleep because they soothed my heart and comfort-

ed the storms in my mind. I used to ask him so

many questions, about almost everything. He

would come up with answers, sometimes to make

me happy, sometimes sad, sometimes convincing

HAFSA IDREES

46

me about something, sometimes making me laugh

and sometimes making me exuberant, and some-

times not answering at all. I was missing those days

badly, intensely, when I was lying here alone, stray-

ing among thoughts and wading in confusion, both

as important to me as my life. I was feeling terrible.

There was no one to hold me and tell me I was not

alone.

I badly wanted to be with my family but I was

here to study. It was one of my fathers dreams and

he wanted to see me successful, standing on my

feet and doing extraordinarily well in life. My heart

was connected to Wisconsin and although Arizona

was great, I felt more than any time before that I

hadnt found many friends here in Phoenix to

spend my time with. I felt I needed my father more

than anything because of the phase I was going

through. I wanted to tell him about Allan, about my

feelings and about the feeble thread on which I was

suspended in the middle of nowhere. I had always

been an introvert so living alone in my apartment

here was not a big deal for me. But I needed him

and didnt feel right upsetting him as I was sure of

my failure. I had a clear realization that he was not

getting any younger and situations like these be-

come way more frustrating with age. Henceforth,

Arizona was supposed to be my home.


47

Allan. Rose, my mind, my heart they all were

suggesting Allan. I felt like I was about to surren-

der. It was so hard to fight with the thoughts. You

are one and they are many. Rose had somehow

convinced me to contact him. I could still hear her

sentences echoing in my mind. There was some-

thing which was pushing me now. Long before her,

my mind had been suggesting the same but I resist-

ed somehow. I had no idea why I gave in this time.

It was adding to my cravings and frustrations. It

was eating me inside like a parasite and I didnt

want to be a host. It had to find an outlet.

It had been a week now since I received that let-

ter from him. I had not looked at that pendant

again once I put it in the jewelry box. I flipped and

got to the side drawer of my bed. I opened it and

searched for the phone diary. I was regretting hav-

ing deleted his numbers from my phone.

I have to call him, I said to myself.

Yes! Call him. Call Allan, I was saying to my-

self in the mixed feeling of excitement, eagerness

and agony. My heart was thumping like mad.

No. Dont. Place it back! a part in me roared. I

came up with an excuse:

Whats wrong with trying?

I dialed the number.

HAFSA IDREES

48

His line had connected. His phone was ringing.

After a few seconds, he picked up.

Hello! Allan Lyons here, he spoke. My heart

leaped out.

Hi! I spoke after a one-second pause. Hi, Al-

lan!

Chrish-shu-anna. He uttered my name break-

ing it, emphasizing every syllable.

How are you? How have the things been? How

are you doing? I have been sick worried about you,

Chrissie, he continued. Chrissie? You there?

He sounded restless. He was almost shouting.

I was silent. Words vaporized off my tongue. I

felt as if somebody was pressing hard against my

wind pipe as my ears heard his voice. The same

voice I had craved for, loved, wanted. I could not

believe I was hearing it again. It was hard to tell

myself that yes it was him who was there right on

the other side. At last, I spoke.

Umm I am fine. I I got your letter last

week.

I almost whispered. I was stammering badly. I

used to do that when upset or nervous.

Shhshhh! Forget everything. Just tell me, shall I

come to meet you? Please just dont say no. Tell me

when? he pleaded. I so knew this version of him


49

and had loved it always when he desired me in his

unique way.

I was thinking. I did not know what to say and

how to answer his question.

Yes! Yes, Allan, I mumbled. I dont know

what happened to me at the instant that I started

begging without even waiting for him to respond to

my affirmation.

Allan, please. Please come and hide me! I was

screaming. Please end this pain. I am just just

tired of fighting. I I cant do it anymore, I

sobbed. But it was louder like a moan. My head was

spinning like a top.

Shusshhh shhhh..! Chrissie, my baby! I know

everything. I am coming tomorrow. Just a few

hours to wait. We will talk about it. His voice was

full of sadness and helplessness.

It is all ok. I understand. I will wait, I told him

resolutely, trying to control my abrupt self. Trying

to calm down.

Uh, he breathed. Till then, please, take care

of yourself. He was about to cut the call when he

said:

And always remember that no matter what, I

love you.

I smiled unconsciously. You too, take care.

HAFSA IDREES

50

And I disconnected the call.

I dont know if I was happy or sad and it was

awful. There are times when you are unable to cat-

egorize your feelings, put a label on them. Its hard

as they are not concrete and dissolved in each oth-

er. Or maybe they are and you are unable to draw

the line. It was one of those moments.


51

6

THERE WAS THIS SOMETHING in me which

was longing to see Allan all the time. That month

was like a century. I rediscovered something about

myself. I was an astoundingly intense person. Even

if I had tried to exclude him from my life, I was at a

stage where my mornings began with thoughts

about him and my day ended with him in my mind.

I was the kind of a person who would put her heart

and soul behind everything. This can be visible only

to the person who wishes to look closely into me. I

dont know but this can be intimidating too.

This world keeps things superficial but light. I

believed the extent of my intensity was antithetical.

I had always craved for a man who would look into

the smoldering red fire in my eyes and never back

off. He may flinch in order to prepare himself for

being pressed upon, but not leave. For some rea-

sons I had thought it was him, Allan was this man.

He promised me fidelity. He always believed in

commitments and fulfilled what he had promised.

This is the nucleus of any healthy relationship

which is based on love. This was probably a reason

HAFSA IDREES

52

I was still unable to hate him. He was not one of

those who flew away the first time we had a small

disagreement; neither was he of the type who

would look for a bigger, better deal. He had stayed

and he was going to forever. I had this faith in

him. He had always tried to find ways for overcom-

ing every last obstacle. If not much, he was sensi-

tive to my feelings and needs and had reasonably

respected and honored both of them. The only

hope of mine which he crashed down was mar-

riage.

After being in love with him, the only excite-

ment I had about anything good or new was that I

would share it with him and cherish it together, and

the only satisfaction in bad times was his overall

presence. His arms were the safest and most treas-

ured place for me; he was someone I could trust,

confide in, play and enjoy my life with. Every night,

I gazed at the moon and asked it to reflect my love

and feelings back to him. My appetite for him was

endless. I wanted him to heal the scars and wounds

of my heart which bled every night. I breathed only

him. I sensed only him. I felt only him. After all, it

was him who introduced and showed me what love

and passion could be. He opened my heart and led

me to a complete new world. After going through

the tough times, I was supposed to be stronger. I

did not know if I succeed in it but I was at a place


53

where I had never been before. It was neither

something in the mind nor something physical; it

was the place where my soul soared. It was a place

where I had shared him with me. I had not learned

to live in his absence yet and I was not sure if I ev-

er would.

I was waiting for him. I had to. I wanted to do

more than just cry on his shoulder. I had this dis-

tinct impression that he does love me in a some-

what subtle way. It was I who interpreted it the

wrong way, and, due to those incorrect interpreta-

tions, I came up to an equally incorrect decision. It

did not save a great deal of trouble as I had ex-

pected. My vulnerability was now a visibility. Time

had peeled away another layer of the same onion.

My only hope was him now. All I wanted was for

him to hide me in his arms forever. I wanted to

cuddle and die snuggling.

*

Isolation is never a solution, Allan said in a dis-

approving voice. How did you think it was going

to help? he objurgated.

He was here and I knew how he was going to

question everything. I was silent for the moment.

HAFSA IDREES

54

He was sitting on the sofa right in front of me. I

was avoiding his gaze.

Okay I know I know I am not perhaps the

most loveable person but but I did not know

that I was not a desirable person as well. He winced

and it stole my breath.

You are taking everything wrong, I said, de-

fensively.

Then you tell me what is right, he demanded.

Anger tightened his throat.

I took a long breath. I wanted to say everything I

was keeping in, say all what I wanted to but I was

unable to pour all out in a gush. He was looking at

me.

Allan!.. I started. I could not find the appro-

priate words to start off. I was surprised and scared

at the heat of his anger.

Allan, all I wanted was you to desire me in all

the possible ways, I said. But I also knew that

even the realm of desirability, I cant rely upon you

or anyone to generate my sense of self-worth. My

voice started to tremble. So many thoughts were

crossing my mind. It was hard for me to filter

them. He was quiet and listening intently now. My

words had perhaps calmed him down a little.

I made a mistake. I forgot that people who are

with us dont necessarily find the same things inter-


55

esting and neat. We all are different and work dif-

ferently. The reason why Ive made this mistake is

you; you always acknowledged and respected every-

thing that came from me. You always gave me that

attention which I needed. You were an equal part

of my sadness and happiness

I paused to get my breath back.

that I started thinking much more about you,

starting fantasizing about you, about our future to-

gether. I thought you were the perfect guy I had

found for me, I explained. I was looking down at

the floor now and trying hard not to smile stupidly

while I said: like the perfect match we see in mov-

ies. I started taking you as my-prince-so-charming,

I stopped and blinked. I could feel moisture again.

But then you told me that we could not happen,

that just shattered me. I gritted my teeth. When

you dream about getting something all your life and

you are told you cant have it cant have it ever,

how do you feel?

He stood up, stepped towards me and sat at my

feet. He held my hand in his right and wiped the

crawling tear with his left. I was wrangling with the

intensity of my emotions.

I dream of you and me together and when I get

up every morning, but then I have that crushing

pain of realization that it was just a dream I had

HAFSA IDREES

56

to decide. I wanted to live on my own then. I want-

ed to hate you just as an excuse to forget. But I

couldnt. I could not, Allan. You ruled my

thoughts, my heart, and my mind! I said, not

bothering that I was almost shouting at him and

crying. All this time I wanted and tried to free my-

self from this intangible bond I had with you, I

sobbed. I could hardly speak. My voice choked. I

could not speak clearly anymore, but I pressed on. I

wanted to spit out every phrase I had in.

My nights are sleepless. For some time, I was

even insomniac. I am not in peace. My smiles are

just the movement of my lips. I have forgotten

what being happy is like II

I groaned before I could stop, in the middle of

the sentence.

He lifted himself up a little to hug me. I could

feel his hand caressing the back of my head, just as

if somebody has sprinkled water on the burning

flames of mad fires. I didnt know how it felt to be

desired, loved, cared for, but that feeling was just

inexplicable and all-encompassing. I was feeling so

secure and protected. I felt being in the same bub-

ble he had always talked about. This was the first

time he let me fully experience his touch and I

needed it the most then.


57

Shusshhh. He kissed my head and held my

face in his hands.

Why did you try to separate yourself from eve-

ryone and faced the deprivation all alone? he

whispered. I could barely see but his eyes were wet

and red.

Because I was possessive about you. I did not

want you to be with any other girl. I wanted you to

be mine only, if not you, then no one. I sniffed.

You could have shared it before you thought of

it just like youve just shared everything with me

right now. His voice was distorted. Have I ever

not listened to you? From crazy to insane to mature

to childish to just everything? Have I ever jeered or

discouraged?

No, no, no, Allan, never! I grabbed him and

hugged. I pressed myself hard against him. His

tears made my hart hurt as if it were crushed in an

iron fist. I never ever wanted to see him sad. His

tears were tearing every fiber of my being. I wanted

to hold him, just like he had held me in every state

or mood.

He wrapped his arms around me, not very but

tight enough not to let me go.

I am so sorry I never wanted to see you like

this. I am hating myself for what you have be-

HAFSA IDREES

58

come become because of me. His eyes met

mine; there was guilt in them.

Its not your fault, Allan. I am equally account-

able, I explained apologetically, still holding him.

A strand of my hair fell on my forehead right

then. I wanted to free my hand to move it back. He

did it and caressed my eye brows.

Allan, I have no anger towards you. It is not

anger but sadness. Sadness of pain, pain of not be-

ing lucky enough to get you, I spoke. The life in-

side me has died. I wish there was a way to go

back.

He held me closer to his heart. His warmth was

soothing.

I. Love. You, I whispered.

He stretched his cheeks to grin, but sadly. It

made me both smile and cry. I was feeling a little

better but still a terrible mess.

If you do, then give up on your self-created

mission, he suggested with a smile.

I nodded.

Sometimes in life you come across a phase

where you realize that youre not worth more than

a grain of sand or a leave hanging on a tree. Then,

your existence or disappearance doesnt really mat-

ter for anyone anymore. There are so many to re-


59

place you and fill the gap. I felt that the phase was

ending. Allan was still here and was the same as if

nothing had happened. I was feeling so light after

pouring my heart out to him. I realized that talking

to someone else or not talking to anyone at all was

no solution. I did not have the regret having unsaid

words. I could see a path now, a hope, a way. I was

free.

HAFSA IDREES

60

7

THE MOON WAS CLEAR. I pushed the curtain

aside and sat on the rug in my room, resting myself

against the wall. A cool breeze made its way into

the room and blew my hair for some seconds. I

was a little world-weary but for some reasons I had

always believed that the night had to reveal some

secrets to us; it only looked for someone to listen

to it and pay attention for it was which it sought.

It had the language of silence, a language which is

not understood by all.

Allan had promised to put my pieces back. He

was a man of his words and never backed off from

what he ever said. I believed him. Despite the satis-

faction, I still had that ache in my heart and an

empty feeling in my soul. I only wished he could

snap his fingers and make it all disappear just like a

magician or a vampire. He was unlike normal hu-

mans after all.

Life such a simple word of four letters but

complicated just like a billion books. Books are the

combination of a few letters; life is also a combina-

tion of simple things that can weave really compli-


61

cated patterns. You think, choose your life and take

decisions about it. Sometimes right, sometimes

wrong. But this is how humans learn. This species

is always liable to make mistakes; great are those

who seek lessons and not hate themselves for not

taking a step in the right direction. I was in a roller

coaster ride and living in assumptions and expecta-

tions expectations about human relations and

emotions. Perhaps he had loved me so that I did

not find time to love myself or perhaps there was

no such need. But things were different now.

I was looking closely at the moon and the dark-

ness around it. I was feeling how it was still stand-

ing alone to shine in the dark sky and illuminate

other objects surrounding it. A sudden gush of real-

ization came in to my mind. The focus of my think-

ing switched. I discovered a part of that very secret:

it was to be really careful about your thoughts because these

thoughts become your feelings and feelings are generally mo-

mentary. Being humans, you do not have full control

over what you think and feel but still you have to

try when your head continuously warns you about

the consequences.

I got up and collapsed on my bed. Allan had my

heart completely and I was stubborn enough not to

let myself want anyone else the way I wanted to be

with him. But I had to cope up with the emptiness.

I was thinking resolutely. I had to give up on a few

HAFSA IDREES

62

things and hold on a few. He showed me my self-

worth and I did not have to let it go this time; I had

to work to stand on my own feet. He was my

strength but my love for him was my greatest

weakness that I had to overcome in a wise way.

Sometimes life really confuses you between what

should be done and what you want to do.

*

There exists a concept of omen. Omens are the

ways in which God communicates with you. It is

your and His language. This is not same for every-

one. My language with Him might be different

from any other humans. I believed that through

these omens He guides you, gives hints, warns, and

supports, and talks with you. You need to have a

different understanding in order to interpret His

language. The whole universe is His words, His

composition and His tools of language. At the

moment I was having a clear realization that I had

been drifting away from Him during the past few

months. I was losing faith even in my own self.

God doesnt like sad people. Whining is a cardinal

sin, it makes you procrastinate. People who are

happy have God in their hearts. They are pure.

Heart speaks. I assumed He was rather in a huff


63

with me for being unthankful for so many things

He had granted me. I had not felt any omen since

my isolation but today I was having this feeling

deep inside me that things can get better only if I

try and feel motivated towards it. God is always

there to help. He helps those who help themselves.

If you offer Him your hand for friendship, He nev-

er dejects. He loves all of us, all of His creatures

equally. He can be the best friend one can ever

have. He would keep your secrets; help in mysteri-

ous ways, sooth you when you are down, and so

much more. He knows everything because He lives

in your heart. You forget Him but He is still there,

loving you and trying to communicate with you

with His omens. He is the Supreme Power and we

humans are the mere collectors of pieces of paper.

I was trying hard to sleep but I was not sleepy at

all. I had forgotten all these things about the one

Who created me, was always there even when I

thought I was living alone; still communicating with

me but I was not answering His calls. I was going

further and further away from Him. I had forgotten

what my mother had always taught me. She taught

me that if you pray to Him with all your heart and

soul, He does grant your wishes. If He doesnt an-

swer, it does not mean that He is not listening. It

can have multiple meanings. It is about what your

desire and deserve. He is quiet because maybe He is

HAFSA IDREES

64

planning for something much better than what you

desire and which is exactly what you deserve. May-

be its because the time you pray to have something

is not actually the right time for you. He is silent

maybe because He wants to see how much you

trust Him and have faith in Him and for long can

you stand it. There is always something good for

you but you dont figure it out at the time. You do

realize and experience that good in the later

phases and you always thank Him for His plans.

I got up and sat resting my back against the back

of the bed. I was wondering how many times I

talked with God and shared my heavy heart since

lately. It is very hard to please the humans but it is every

easy to please God. Humans are strangely selfish. And

even if you attempt to please them, it is not them

who would be thankful, it would again be Him re-

warding you in several ways for your act of good-

ness. I had tears in my eyes. My heart was filled

with guilt. Lately, all my tears were either of self-

pity or of the emptiness created by his absence. But

today I was shedding them for my mistakes. I was

embarrassed. I wanted to talk to God and seek for-

giveness. I admitted that for the past few months I

never wanted anything except Allan: for him to

come home, embrace me and hold me for an eter-

nity in his arms, whispering every sweet word of

love. I wished to marry him and possess him in the


65

legal ways. I knew that lovemaking and physical re-

lation must be there only after marriage. I never

wanted to dishonor my parents and their teachings.

I didn't but i wanted my dreams to come to reality.

I expressed all my fears, dreams, hopes,

thoughts, feelings and I was filled with calmness. A

wave of satisfaction and peace washed over my in-

ner self and the living water remained there, filling

every cavity and crevice. Though crying, I was calm

calm like a sea which was initially disturbed by a

storm. My trail seemed insurmountable but I was

now accepting it that no relation on earth is ever-

lasting. We are all mortal beings. I prayed for the

forgiveness of my transgressions, I was yearning to

be closer to God and to have His peace. I had laid

down all of my cards and wanted Him to let go the

guilt I was harboring. Life is an everlasting journey

of falls and recoveries. I had fallen and wanted Him

to help me up. I prayed for healing my sickness,

sickness in mind, body, soul and thoughts. I prayed

for Him to heal me and make me whole again. I

prayed to Him for the guidance, patience, grace,

and mercy. He is my Savior, Redeemer, my Teach-

er, my Creator, my Protector, my Comforter, and

my Lord and only Convalescent. I prayed for His

blessings to shine down upon me, now and forever.

I wanted to re-establish the connection with Him

which I had been losing. I wanted to bring it back

HAFSA IDREES

66

because I was nothing without Him; I had no

worth, any value. I

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