THE BEST OF THE ATA FC BLOG From the vast Canadian plains of Moseley rugby club, to the idyllic training

sessions at Highbury park, via Ian England and Dave Thomas’s broken

ankles, the Hughes-Gate affair, the cage fighting now occurring weekly at

gosta green and the emergence of eastside projects as a possible threat to

ATA FC, the Athletico Tortured Artists story has had many lows and few highs

(except when we used to kick it over the fence at Moseley Rugby club to

waste time and try and secure a 0 -0 draw), but ATA FC have survived and

are now entering the most glorious moment in their history: hosting the first

BAF Cup in Birmingham. If the following pages are tiresome and at times

impenetrable, on account of the number of player-The Wire analogies used,

please be patient and kind. From the outside it may appear nothing more

than the puerile ramblings of artists whose footballing prime has past. To

them though, the re emergence of physical activity in their lives after a ten

year hiatus has had a profound effect on all those involved. The achy jelly

legs, deep painful sick feeling and post match rigor mortis - the result of

running around on a pitch smaller than a full size pitches penalty area - has

brought renewed meaning and purpose to previously hollow lives. The

following pages present a selection of stories and gossip from the ATA FC

blog for your possible enjoyment.

BURWOOD IN MOBILE HAIRDRESSING UNIT EXPOSE

Dan Dave Burwood, rapidly becoming a fans favourite on account of his

rough sleeping antics, has being sensationally revealed as a charlatan. As

this exclusive picture shows, Burwood’s shambolic appearance is a carefully

constructed fabrication that involves hours of preparation each day. Dandy

Burwood, here seen purusing Footballer’s Haircuts spends the majority of his

weekly wage packet on employing an all female team of hairdressers to

accompany his every move. Such is Burwood’s inclination for the finer things

in life, he insists that ‘The Burwoodettes’ are also accomplished opera

singers. Apparently secret toff Burwood enjoys seedy late night renditions of

the title song from the musical ‘Hair’ whilst ‘The Burwoodettes’ pamper his

treasured barnet into the early hours. Unfortunately, the love and attention

devoted to Burwood’s hair is not reciprocated by Burwood himself. Despite

having space to accomodate his loyal group of helpers, mean streaked

Burwood keeps his assistants locked up at night in a Saab outside his house.

Cold hearted Burwood was unavailable to comment on this latest

revelation, although he was spotted earlier today cutting the ribbon at the

opening of Stourbridge’s first Tony and Guy. More to follow.

'BERBATOV' WESTBROOK CRISIS HITS ATA FC

Representatives of Athletico Tortured Artists FC are currently in crisis talks with

the agent of midfield powerhouse Matt ’ Berbatov’ Westbrook regarding his

future. It appears that Westbrook has being lured by the money and

glamour of a dream move to Milk St United. The similarities with wantaway

Tottenham striker Berbatov don’t end there. ATA FC won’t settle for anything

less than 28 million for Westbrook - particularly as he possesses a pair of

brand new football boots. News of Westbrook’s possible departure has sent

shockwaves through the footballing community, with national press and

media flocking to the Westbrook compound in Cotteridge. The news from

our reporter camped outside is that Westbrook was briefly spotted 2 hours

ago berating a member of his pompey clad staff. It appears that Westbrook

prefers his 8 vehicles to be washed with Evian, not common tap water. If

Westbrook does decide to move to Milk St United he will be sorely

missed. The tough tackling midfield dynamo is fondly remembered by the

ATA FC faithful for turning up for training in his brand new football boots, only

to pull his hamstring after 5 seconds of gentle stretching exercises. More to

follow.

WESTBROOK LOSES EPIPHET!

ATA FC called yet another press conference earlier today to announce that

Matt Westbrook is to lose the ‘Berbatov’ epithet. After his tough tackling

performance last night, ATA FC officials were locked in a 16 hour board

meeting discussing new epithets for new fans favourite Westbrook.

‘Makelele’ was eventually chosen, although ATA FC officials were keen to

stress that this was a purely footballing decision and not a size orientated

one. More to follow.

REHAB!

Footage has surfaced on the internet of ATA FC apparently training in the

leafy grounds of a rehabilitation centre. The picturesque setting is a far cry

from the plethora of addiction related problems besetting the squad at the

moment. ATA FC Club Captain Phil Barber apparently held showdown talks

with ATA FC Chairman Poolman demanding the entire squad goes into

rehab before Wednesday’s big match against league leaders ‘Morning

Glory’. Whilst the £1000 a day per player rehab centre is not cheap, it is

hoped that the delicate combination of football, watercolour painting,

meditation and group hugs will have ‘the mighty artists’ fighting fit for

Wednesday’s fixture. Unfortunately, the 6 hour group hugs proved too much

for right back J Masters who was last seen climbing over the barbed wire

rehab centre fence shouting profanities at his team mates before jumping

into a blacked out BMW and speeding off down Kings Heath High Street.

Unluckily the 11 sets of traffic lights on Kings Heath High Street slowed his

progress somewhat. The BMW was eventually surrounded by 6 police cars

after trying to take a short cut through The Hare & Hounds and Masters was

sectioned under section 31 of the mental health act which stipulates that

wearing the colour combination of pink, blue, green and yellow in public

classifies you as a ‘high risk’ patient. Loyal ATA FC fans were unsuccessful in

their attempts to rocket launch supplies into the rehab centre. Hughes and

Poolman were apparently distraught at the packages of rolling tobacco

missing the target but this was nothing compared to Westbrook - currently

battling a pompey memorabilia addiction - who was reduced to tears

when a rocket carrying a Harry Redknapp Toby Jug smashed into a conker

tree. More to follow.

Athletico TA’s long standing keeper Chris Poolman keeps an eye on

proceedings in last nights epic encounter with Hollywood Socceroos .Lit only

by the one floodlight and the distant glow of Ikon Deathstar, the tortured

artists battled manfully against a more youthful and altogether more replica

shirt wearing Socceroos side. Confusion reigned initially as it dawned upon

both teams that the match would be a trial for UEFA’s new 3 goals / 1 rugby

post ‘Soccerball Experience’ which is due to be implemented somewhere in

the future. The Artists were under the misguided impression that they had

won the first quarter by 7 points to 9 but were then docked points after

being adjudged to have broken official kit guidelines. It turned out that all

shirt numbers must add up to 28 for an unspecified amount of the time, and

an early change for the deedpoll loving Ian England (available also for

South Africa) for Tubbs Westbrook had sent the total permanently above the

limit. Despite brave attempts to win the match by kicking all the official

match balls over the fence, thereby invoking the ‘we’re using our ball - we

win’ ruling, The Mighty Artists went down to second in the table Hollywood

Socceroos.

full match report to follow maybe:

Final score: ATA FC 0- 2 Hollywood Socceroos

WHIPPS AID REACHES AFRICA

Speculation has been rife amongst the ATA FC ranks as to the reasons

behind defensive supremo Stuart ‘Rio’ Whipp’s reluctance to show his wallet

in public. Usually coinciding with the collecting of the £3.50 match fee, ATA

FC squad members had begun to suspect it may be a Birmingham FC

novelty wallet that Whipps’ was simply too embarrassed to admit to owning.

It appears though, that nothing could be further from the truth. Whipps’

reluctance to dig into his wallet is a direct consequence of his efforts to set

up ‘The Stuart Whipps African Football Academy’ in Africa to help poverty

stricken children enjoy a better life through playing football. Kind-hearted

Whipps’ has evidently been pumping money into the school for the past

two years simply to try and improve the lives of those less well off. This

genuine act of single-minded, brave benevolence has unfortunately left

him so poor that ATA FC officials are considering a fund raising event to help

pay his match fees for the next 10 years. Rumour’s that the Academy was

actually a clandestine feeder school for Birmingham City FC have been

quashed by the Whipps’ camp, although the arrival of the David Sullivan

Bentley by helicopter yesterday failed to alleviate these fears. More to

follow.

ATA FC THREE START YEAR IN FINE FASHION

As this picture shows, 2009 really is going to be the year of British Artist

Football. Despite only three ATA FC personal turning up for the year’s first

training session, they didn’t let the freezing conditions hamper their spirits. A

dog was briefly spotted on the horizon but it passed safely by. Some useful

‘pass, move, pass’ and intelligent ‘headers and volleys’ was followed by an

enjoyable session of ‘fake the documentation’ - in this case heading the

ball and team press ups. Impressive stuff, but nothing compared to what

2009 has for British Artists Football. More to follow.

!

SQUAD ANNOUNCEMENTS OVERSHADOWED BY EASTSIDE

PREPARATION

ATA FC officials sensationally called a press conference last night to

announce the squads for the BAF Cup. In the esteemed surroundings of The

Prince of Wales, club officials explained to a disinterested audience of

Tolkien lookalikes and bearded types that ATA FC would be submitting an A

(AC Tortured) and a B (Dynamo Artists) team into the tournament. After

weeks of discussion as to the relative merits of putting in two equally

matched teams teams or an A and B team, the latter choice was decided

upon. This is largely due to the rumours that Jibbering could be pretty good

and the increased possibility of Eastside blowing two years worth

of BCU funding on flying in Lionel Messi for the afternoon.

MOOSES HEAD

ATA FC officials were also slightly perturbed earlier in the evening

when Jibbering centre half Dee revealed that Jibbering play 2 hour games

on a weekly basis whilst he completed pull ups on a Moose's head. Such

dedication to duty appeared to frighten ATA FC personnel who vowed

there and then to shun equal opportunities and egalitarianism in favour of a

strong side and a slightly less than strong side (but strong nevertheless).

WHIPPS-GATE

To prevent any last minute transfer shenanigans (the Whipps-gate affair),

the blue kited one has been given the captaincy of AC Tortured. Whipps,

whose silky skills are matched only by his vocal ones on the football pitch,

expressed his delight this morning at the gates of his decaying compound in

Sutton Coldfield (the locals call it Xanadu).

RADHI JAIDI SLIPPERS

Donning a novelty pair of Radhi Jaidi slippers and a BCFC dressing gown

that has clearly seen better and brighter days, Whipps proudly posed for

photographers, before giving everyone a nasty shock when he revealed a

new Alex Mcleish tattoo on his arse. Dynamo Artists will be captained by

Victorian gent and everybody's favourite lovable rogue Dan Burwood.

Burwood who is the bookies favourite to win 'Most Improved Player' at the

end of year awards bash was within spitting distance of making the A

team. ATA FC officials decided though, that it would be impossible to

accommodate a player who wears Dave Thomas's boots.

SUPERSTITION

Whilst Burwood has put his superstitions aside, the majority

of ATA FC personnel remain wary of the boots. Only two weeks ago, Phil

Barber - in a moment of unexplainable irrationality - touched the boots in

question; he has subsequently picked up a minor case of the infamous

'Athletico Ankle'. Burwood was unavailable to comment on the news that

he is to captain Dynamo Artists as he was busy opening his latest

hairdressing salon 'PERMACULTURE' in Handsworth.

Just who will make up the Eastside team is anybody's guess. Disturbing

reports today suggest that Eastside associates have been locked up in

the VRU unit and made to stare at a Bill Drummond poster for up to 18 hours

a day.

SCORE

The cruel brainwashing device is thought to have been implemented

after Eastside bigwigs saw a similar device been used by Paul Ince during his

successful spell at Blackburn Rovers. Rumours are that the plan may be

already backfiring, after several associates were seen hanging around a

corner of Ladypool road this afternoon enquiring after 'a bag of something

smelly'. Quite where this leaves Eastside nobody knows. Will Messi be flying

into Birmingham for the afternoon? Will the associates be able to keep off

the weed long enough to play? Or do Wade and Langdon have something

special up their sleeve that the artists football world know nothing about ?

TENSION

With only two weeks to go until the most anticipated football tournament in

England since the 1966 World Cup, the tension continues to mount. Just how

good are Jibbering? Should a street art team be allowed in the

tournament? Can you really fit 120 people into the back room of The Lamp

Tavern as Landlord Eddie Claims? Who will have the best kit? Should

Dan Burwood be allowed to play on his bike? Will it rain? Will teams be able

to find Aston Powerleague? With so many questions to be answered,

the BAF Cup promises to be the footballing event of the year.

BLACK MARKET

With tickets exchanging hands on the black market for over £200, ebay has

noted a dramatic rise in back catalogues of A-N magazine appearing on it's

website as hard up artists attempt to generate enough capital to buy a

ticket. Six desperate artists were arrested yesterday at

Aston Poweleague after their attempts to dig a tunnel into the complex

were thwarted. Quick witted powerleague employees thought they smelt a

rat when they heard the theme tune from Escape to Victory emanating

from a drain.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Upon removing the drain cover, six artists donning Sylvester Stallone masks

were found after having tunneled into the drain by mistake. In what vaguely

resembled something by Santiago Sierra, the six artists were removed from

the cramped drain they had been stuck in for 3 days with only a copy of Art

Monthly for entertainment. Clearly distressed at the incident, the 'Aston Six'

explained that they were so distraught at not been able to get a ticket for

the tournament, that they had decided to dig a tunnel into

the powerleague. Security has now been stepped up at the complex, with

West Midlands police drafting in an extra 400 officers from London to help

with managing the tournament.

DIRECT POTTERY ACTION

Unfortunately, the hooligan element in Artists football continues to rear its

ugly head at events such as this. With the infamous Worcester Firm 'Direct

Pottery Action' expected to turn up, the Firms of

both ATA FC and Eastside are expected to be in attendance. It can only be

hoped that the hooligan faction respect football on an occasion like this

and keep their disturbance to a minimum. It would be a shame for both

football and art if the tournament was ruined by the rampaging

mindlessness of a few.

EDDIE

On a more positive note, Landlord Eddie of The Lamp Tavern has expressed

his uncontained delight that the post tournament awards are occurring at

The Lamp. Talking to reporters this morning over several Irish coffees, Eddie

explained how he couldn't sleep properly at night because he was so

excited that such a prestigious event was coming to his pub ('it's great to

feel young again'). Tickets for the event sold out last year within 15 minutes

of going on sale. The awards ceremony, which builds on the critically

acclaimed ATA FC awards last December (the Guardian called it 'insightful

and irreverent entertainment. Brilliant stuff') will take a slightly more abridged

format this time, after a small minority of attendees complained at the

excessive length of the last ceremony.

BINGO

Punters won't feel that they're been short changed though, as everyones

favourite entertainer AC Tortured Captain Whipps will be compering a late

night bingo session with all proceeds going to the Ian England Appeal. It

promises to be the event of the year. If you haven't got a ticket, get one.

BURWOOD'S ABSENCE EXPOSES DYNAMO FRAILTIES AS AC

TAKE CONTROL

Langdon: what does he know about Burwood’s disappearance

FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 12 - 30 AC TORTURED

(‘mixed fabrics’) ‘Reds’

WHIPPS POOLMAN

The ever effete Phil BARBER THE ‘GUVNOR’

ESSEN 'BROOK'

WADE THE ELDEST THUMPER

LANGDON The ever effete Phil Barber’s Brother ‘MIKE’

Shock waves were sent round Holt St when at five past seven it became

clear that lovable Chimney Sweep and fan favourite Dan Dave Burwood

would not be making his usual entrance to the pitch, changing from one

period costume to another whilst stumbling over his bike, or indeed be

taking any part in the night’s proceedings.

CHILLI DOG

Rumours circulated as to the reasons for his disappearance but this, and the

continued absence of Stuart Tait (tai chi over kill), Jacob Masters (web

finger) added to the fact that it appears that the MLS has now permanently

lured Alex Marzeta to the land of the chilli dog ( he was last seen in New

York on Google earth dressed as ‘Bubbles’ fromThe Wire) meant another

massive overhaul of the teams.

COLOURS

Transfers between the two rival teams were decided clandestinely by the

bin before the game by ‘Stringer Bell’ Poolman and ‘Avon Barksdale’ Tom

Grosvenor, seemingly on the basis on what everyone was wearing.

SAUSAGES

Mark Essen (Ziggy) made his second appearance for Dynamo, having been

part of the loan deal that took Gaz Hughes (Herc) to Berlin Sausagemakers.

Essen’s arrival had clearly upset Matt Westerbrucker (Frank Sobotka) who

had changed his name by deed poll in an attempt to be in pole position to

receive the player with most German sounding name award.

EXPOSED

Westerbrucker was also amazingly exposed as the brains behind a bizarre

failed plot to win car of the year in last week’s game when he had

arranged for some heavies to impede the Essen’s vehicle.

BUG

Stringer Bell wisely chose to keep them apart for this game by placing them

on opposing teams and advising both to stay in goal for most of the game.

This didn’t however stop the irrepressible Westerbrucker, who made an

outrageous attempt to bug Essen’s goal with the old ‘hoodie left in the goal

mouth’ routine. This one will surely run and run at least until Tait ( Brother

Mouzone) returns.

CLUB MASCOT

Whipps (Sgt. Ellis Carver) had defied the odds again by appearing to shave

off another 10 years off his dubious age by turning up in a full Blues home kit

giving him the appearance of a club mascot. The fact that he pleaded that

this was down to sheer economy (£10 from SPORTS DIRECT) wasn’t washing

with anyone, and most people’s suspicions were confirmed by the fact that

gave an ongoing running commentary every time he touched the ball

throughout the game.

NOT AS IN THE PASTY SHOP

The Ever Effete Phil Barber (Greggs) appeared also to be in on this replica kit

wearing but had bought the unliked 0607 home kit, a classic EEPB error. This

was however trumped by the twinkle toed one by bringing along his

mercenary younger (but older looking) brother Mike (Poot), who was to put

in another strong performance in payment for half a coke and a bag of

crisps.

CREAKS

The game kicked off and there proceeded to be a change from the usual

edgy first 10 minutes with AC Tortured imposing themselves quickly on the FC

Dynamo defence and striding in to a 4-0 lead. The home crowd went quiet

and Dynamo were creaking with some divisions in the ranks being exposed.

It took club mascot Sgt Ellis Carver to change the flow of the game as he set

about imposing himself on the AC defence. This led to some tough

exchanges with Andy ‘Thumper’ Broad st (Bodie) and Old Man Frank

Sobotka, who surely by now should be playing in an old masters league

somewhere else. The Sergeant certainly gave the orders and before too

long Dynamo were back in it with 3 quickly taken goals. 4-3. Quarter of an

hour had passed and both teams were knackered with one eye on the

clock. Fearing that the first team to demand for a half time break would be

exposed as lightweights both teams continued to blindly kick hacks out of

each other for an hour and a half in which time the scoreline rose to 21-11

to ACT. It took union man Frank Sobotka’s son Ziggy to call time and keep

hold of the ball so everyone could stand in their goalmouth and pretend

they weren’t hurting half as much as they actually were.

HALF TIME TACTICS AND ORANGE LUCOZADE

New Dynamo signing Wade the Eldest (Colonel Daniels) had had enough

and came out for the second half recharged by writing a half time press

release about Kurt Vonnegut. He continued to inspire others and gave

another storming performance, linking well with The Sergeant and EEPB but

they were overall powerless to prevent Iron man Tom Avon Barksdale and

the lolloping Stringer Bell from casually extending AC’s goal tally as the

Dynamo defence continued to be caught on the break. Despite Frank

Sobotka’s best attempts to undermine any advantage his team had

gained, AC asserted themselves in to what would become an unassailable

lead.

JIM JAMS

As the game petered out and Whipp’s had his customary 5 minute lie down,

it became apparent that no one had seen The Thinking man’s Edgar

Davids/ James Langdon /Lester Freamon for some time, indeed he was

conspicuous by his absence. Choosing to wear his black Marks and Spencer

pyjamas for the game TTMED/JL/LF had made some early impressive runs up

the left wing but as the game had progressed had voluntarily retreated

back to the Dynamo defence. Odd, as he seemed a potent part of

Dynamo’s attack.

WHERE WAS BURWOOD?

It what can be classed as a Matt Motson exclusive I can now reveal that

TTMED/JL/LF was in fact communicating via his swimming goggles,

throughout the match with 18thCentury Dan Burwood who had become

stuck, Quantum Leap-esque in a future dimension. RUSTY. It turns out that

throughout the match Langdon was in fact collecting rubbish to send to

travelling man Burwood so that he could power his rusty fixed wheel

postman’s bike BACK to the future to collect an item that a future Langdon

had bid for on e-bay in the year 2056.

GAMBLER

The only problem was that the money Langdon had used in the future to

bid for his purchase was reliant on a bet he had placed on the score being

EXACTLY 12-30 to AC Tortured. This scoreline would also ensure Burwood’s

safe return by mirroring the calibration on his bike lock thus allowing his flux

capacitor to be recharged. It would also explain the tension and the late

onslaught of goals that Dynamo proceeded to let in as the clock ticked

away.

EXCLUSIVE!

Quite what this all means for next weeks match is unclear. What was Essen’s

involvement in the downfall? Will Burwood return from the future to sturdy up

Dynamo defence? Will anyone really care? Find out next week as the rivalry

goes on.

FINAL SCORE

FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 12 - 30 AC TORTURED

Matt Motson

ARTISTS EXPRESS NOSTALGIA FOR DAYS PAST

In what has been several weeks of unprecedented turmoil in the muddled

history of ATA FC, images were sensationally leaked in the tabloids today of

all together happier days for ATA FC. One image in particular graced the

back pages of no less than 34 tabloids worldwide (see above). Once upon

a time players turned up for training wearing sandals offering gifts of new

boots to team mates; players leant upon one another, literally and

metaphorically. ATA FC was not just a football team, it was like an extended

family. Players felt comfortable enough to hug one another on a routine

basis as well as take group walks together through Birmingham parks on

sunny Sunday afternoons. Then it all began to crumble. ATA FC suffered their

second broken ankle of the season when Team Captain Ian ‘Get F**king

Back And Defend’ England landed awkwardly in training, whilst consecutive

matches against 15 year old opposition broke into violence. The clubs

awards ceremony this Saturday will also double up as the annual AGM and

big decisions are expected to be made on the future of ATA FC. It is

expected that ATA FC are to withdraw from their current league in order to

undergo an intensive programme of re-branding (new name, new kit, new

future). ATA FC are undoubtedly experiencing at the moment what can

only be described as a mild existential crisis. Westbrook’s retaliative cry to

taunting chicken noises from the opposition on Wednesday night perhaps

says it all: Who do you think you are? Gary Lineker?….

THE HOLT ST HUSSLE

AC Tortured 18 - 16 FC Dynamo/Eastside projects

Vesterbrucke Wade the Elder

Stringer Bell Lester Freaman

Whipps The ‘Guvnor’

Not So Effete Now Phil Barber Brother Mouzone

18th Century Man Thumper

Holt St witnessed another fiercely contested match between the two great

rivals of artist’s football as the players of ACT and DA battled it out for

selection to the eagerly anticipated BAF tournament at the end of the

month http://www.britishartistsfootball.co.uk

CAPELLO? REDKNAPP? WATKINS?

Hoping to somehow catch an imaginary manager’s eye, players from both

teams put in a tough performance to demonstrate their BAF tournament

credentials before the upcoming squad announcements.

DAYLIGHT BRIBERY

Rumours of bribery and corruption have continued to surface from ATA FC’s

training ground in recent weeks but after the tabloid shanannigans of the

private view fest that was the May Day Eastside openings, it was Whipps

who caused the biggest surprise by running out in the blue shirt / tatty red

bib combo that now seems to represent AC Tortured’s home kit. Rumours of

him transferring to ESP continue to exist but there had been no exchange of

brown paper bags, or even one-day comics, but Wade the Elder will surely

one day get his man.

TRAINING?

ACT fans must now know they have to savour the sight of seeing the young

trompadour Whipps playing in the famous red and odd shades of blue

before he inevitably moves to the Dayglo pastures of ESP, where it is thought

he will see out his George Best ‘where did it all go wrong?’ years.

STING

Stung by Whipps Loyalty to ACT Wade the Elder and James ‘Lillie’ Langdon

took the opportunity to team up with the disaffected DA team to put in

some early tackles on what is becoming a dominant AC Tortured team.

BLOOR

Inspired by Eastside Projects kitman Tom Bloor ( who had gone round the

previous week head butting anyone who doubted ESP’s title hopes) the

luminous boots of WTE and LL went in fiercely from the beginning, storming

DA/ESP to an early 5-2 lead.

Through the Langdon goggles, all was rosy.

ARSON

Hurt, confused and lethargic ACT were now on the verge of an

unprecedented defeat. But the galling sight of Colonel Daniels high fiving

his troops finally stirred the Stringer Bell and Whipps striking partnership in to

action. Surely these two are going to set the world of artists football alight

come May 23rd as the took the match by the scruff of its Birmingham art

world standard issue blue winter coat collar and powered ACT in to what

would become an unassailable lead. Tait and Thumper responded with 2

goals for DA /ESP past the feeble, and often infuriatingly doing sit ups,

Vesterbrucke.

ROGERS

Canny operator Club Chairman and Shop Steward Bell will also surely be

aware that any transfer fee for Whipps will no doubt increase when the

world can see his class on a bigger stage. (Word is that Bell’s after a black

smart car like the one ESP allegedly wooed Whipps with earlier in the season

to tow behind his decorators wagon. Rumours that this is to transport Henry

Rogers between residencies are as yet unfounded)

FISTICUFFS

As the game wore on players became increasingly edgy at the thought of

injury with The ‘not so effete now’ Phil Barber showing he can mix it with the

big boys. Positioned on the right of midfield meant NSENPB was regularly up

against DA’s Andy Broad St (affectionately known as ‘Thumper’) who has a

feared reputation as a no holes barred tackler. The Andy and Phil show

made for an interesting sideline to the evening’s match which also saw

verbal fisticuffs between spurned lovers Wade and Whipps.

RIVER DEEP

Emotions run high in these games but new rules did seem to be established

(above head height ok, no slide tackles allowed, don’t drink from Frank

Subotka’s water) and needless to say there were handshakes all round at

the end.

INERTIA

The game finished 18-16 to ACT and will be remembered as the day when

the race for the BAF MUG properly began. Both sides are looking fit and

ready and all thoughts now are starting to turn towards that fateful day in

May.

Final Score ACT 18 – 16 Dynamo Artists/ Eastside Projects

Matt Motson

WHIPPS WONDERS STEAL MARCH ON RIVALS

By Matt Motson

AC TORTURED 14(?) - 7 FC DYNAMO ARTISTS

In what became a hard fought and frankly, over physical game, the APL

resumed its competitive edge for the summer season. Barring a meta

narrative injury to Stuart Tait, Jake Master's finger strain and the continued

absence of Alex Marzeta (last seen boarding a plane to play for Ecuador on

international duty) both teams were back to full strength. The exertion and

slight inertia of last week’s international friendly with America had been put

to one side but Whipp’s toe remained a concern.

Conditions were unusually balmy with the match being the first game to kick

off in daylight. This exposed the rather primitive changing facilities at Holt St

and the ever effete Phil Barber was seen struggling with a towel round his

waist trying to change in to his pre moulded inner body layer. Dan Dave

Burwood surprised everyone by arriving a full 5 minutes early, presumably

getting leave from his day job at a Victorian Manchester workhouse

In a scene reminiscent of ‘Back to the Future’ Burwood freewheeled down

the embankment on a what appeared to be a World War Two era, air raid

marshal’s bike, seemingly preoccupied with the time on the large university

clock on the side of a building, he repeatedly indicated that it was stuck at

five to seven. Team-mate’s suspicions were further raised when he was

overheard to mumble ‘Marty! Marty! It’s worked! It’s worked!’ in to a walkie-

talkie concealed somewhere in his BBC costume drama attire.

The teams warmed up and looking for any glimmer of inspiration, and ever

the fashionista, Dynamo Artist’s captain Matt Westbrook walked on to the

pitch donning a vintage 1984 England ‘Admiral’ kit. Such a shame the 1984

version of Westbrook could not also be present as the unsettling sight of his

bulging frame, shrink wrapped in to shiny polyester was thought to upset

and distract his fellow team-mates.

Bizarrely new ACT signing James Langdon, perhaps expecting a swim off,

appeared to be wearing goggles or some sort of advanced Nintendo Wii

application. It later transpired that this was an attempt by the pyjama

bottomed and fold away bike expert to view the game purely in fluorescent

colour. Quite how this will function with the expected return of Marzeta next

week is unclear.

The game kicked off and there proceeded to be an edgy first 10 minutes

with AC Tortured imposing themselves on the FC Dynamo defence but

without any return. Dynamo were creaking though, with ACT new signing

Wade the Elder starting impressively, passing to feet and making the most of

the indecision that seemed endemic in the Dynamo ranks. Phil Barber was

already despairing at the lack of numbers in defence and it was no surprise

when a Westbrook defensive error let in Whipps who fired home to score the

first of his many goals. This was swiftly followed by a belter from the inimitable

Wade the Elder.

As the ball hit the back of the net and in to a sportsworld rucksack, it was as

if the dramatic music that accompanied the German goals in ‘Escape to

Victory’ could be heard in the minds of the team in blue. The omens indeed

did not look good for Dynamo.

Quite what happened next may go down in FC Dynamo history. A glance

around his team gave Captain Westbrook all the motivation he needed.

The dejected Andy Broad St sat motionless on the floor, head in hands. Phil

Barber appeared to be repeatedly making the 'Lineker eyes' to an

imaginary manager on an imaginary bench. Herr ‘Gaz’ Hughes just stood

there, wryly shaking his head, muttering something about Arbeloa, whilst the

absent Dan Burwood was scaling the fence, seemingly to link a makeshift

time travel device between Whipp’s Smart car and the aforementioned

university clock.

What would Clough do in a situation like this? How could FC Dynamo get

back into the game? There was only one answer.

CRUNCH! there Andy Broad St tackling everything that moves.

BANG! There’s Burwood, back in the room, cutting out another sloppy

Chairman Poolman pass.

WALLOP! There’s Westbrook stamping down on every ACT attacking move

(literally- apologies to all) and...

WHOOSH! ITS A GOAL! The Ginger Pele breaks clear to fire home a long

range effort 2-1! Dynamo are back in the game.

GOAL! Some fine interplay from Burwood and Andy Broad St , along with

some luck from a fumble by Langdon sees a Barber shot make it 2-2!

and then Dynamo got tired, heads dropped and ACT kind of run away with

it…

Final Score: AC Tortured 14 – 7 FC Dynamo

(to be honest it was probably nearer 20)

Whipps lots Westbrook 3

Wade 2? Langton 1

Poolman 1? Barber 2

Tom 2? Hughes 1

(please note scorer accuracy impeded by fatigue)

PLAYER RATINGS

AC TORTURED FC

8 - Langdon - The thinking man's Edgar Davids - some great saves and

good interplay. After a shaky debut he now looks to be a good signing for

ACT. Nice bike.

8- Wade The Elder - An immediate impact made to the land of APL football

with goals and assists aplenty. This imposing midfielder will surely be a

keystone of future ACT teams. Uses his experience well. Unusual to see him

without his blackberry.

6- Chris ‘The Chairman’ Poolman - a quiet game. Perhaps distracted by

events off the pitch and rumours of financial meltdown. Seemed to be

carrying a lot of cash towards end of game though- is there a bung culture

at ATAFC? more next week.

9- Whipps The Wondermeister. What more can be said about this young

trompadour? Is he Benjamin Button-esque actually getting younger? Where

does he get his energy from? Is it a beard or a tache? Why did he buy a

smart car? Playing out of his skin to justify the expense of buying a new

England shirt .

8-Tom ‘The Guvnor’ Grosvenor - BMAGIC! BMA(G)ARVELLOUS! The Guvnor

was up and down the left wing like a young Tony Blair. His silky skills and

fitness are rare at this level.

FC DYNAMO ARTISTS

5- ‘Old Man’ Matt Westbrook – lucky to be on the pitch and visibly aging

with each kick. When this player takes the field you can almost here the

whimsical melodies of Neil Young serenading his every move. Got a hat trick

but his wayward shooting would have irritated the most loyal of FC DA fans.

Stay at the back, stay out of trouble. Buy some new kit.

6- Big Dan Burwood - The loan signing from the 18th century continues to

improve, but showed some woeful keeping. Perhaps not yet adjusted to the

modern day match balls.

7- Herr ‘Gaz’ Hughes - Soon to be departed Herr Gaz will leave FC Dynamo

for a pre planned loan signing to Herta Berlin Sausagemakers and fittingly

got the last goal. His trickery and control on the ball will be sorely missed by

FC DA who wish him well and a return testimonial one day in the odd

assortment of Blue that constitutes their kit.

Is Marzeta out there? Can he accept the mantle that Hughes has left? Auf

Weidersen, farewell, wish me luck, say goodbye Hughes was not heard to

say.

5- ‘Andy’ Broad St – by his own high standards the ‘thumper’ had a bad day

at the office. Still in line for 'name that sounds most like an entertainment

district' award at the end of the season awards.

6- Barber 'El Nino' – seemingly out of the game for long spells but he still

managed to twinkle toe it up with some neat interplay. How does he do

that drag back thing? Great words of inspiration. Chin up PB they'll be better

days than this.

Westbrook in Huff over POW (Player of the Week) Award

Overweight Dynamo Artists right back Matt Westbrook today sensationally

declared himself UNHAPPY at his recent POW award, given for his

indomitable performance in Wednesday nights 11-7 win over DA's staunch,

and only, rivals AC Tortured.

Westbrook, on loan from the 1987 promotion winning Portsmouth team,

revealed his despair at receiving the award at a press conference from his

humble 16 bed residence on the outskirts of Birmingham.

Journalists were bizarrely made to fix or clean certain aspects of the fading

Edwardian mansion before being allowed to enter the back room to meet

Westbrook, still not up and dressed, over a cup of jasmine tea and some

wagon wheels.

FACIAL HAIR

Faced with the increased praise and fan attention his recent performances

have attracted, Westbrook was coy about accepting the award and

declared that instead it should have been the rough sleeping Dan Dave

Burwood who should have received the dubious award. ‘He had a much

better game than me, and worked the space on the left like a South

American revolutionary in a missile crisis’ said Westbrook, seemingly

continually distracted by the scrabble application on facebook.

‘Even Marzetta lasted a half and Big Kris scares the shit out of me, so God

knows what he’s doing to the opposition…” he went on to say whilst staring

at his stolen apple laptop.

DRAMA

Dramatically though, Westbrook then went on to say how he believes his

improved form for DA has nothing to do with the clubs new, smaller 5-a-side

sized pitch or indeed its close location near two pubs. He wished instead to

focus on how his recent performances may be having a negative effect on

the club he still dreams to play for again, the FA Cup Winning South Coast

illegal gun running franchise, Pimpy.

PIMPY

Since scoring his first goals of the season Westbrook has become acutely

aware that his improved performances have also coincided with the poor

form of Pimpy, now managed by the reformed Father Jack off Father Ted.

Pimpy were one of the modern day game’s super teams. But with success

comes plastic mobile phone holders emblazoned with epithets such as

‘Come on Pimpy, work a bit harder.’

TEA IN CHINA

Westbrook continued to recount his acrimonious departure from the Fratton

World Heritage Site Stadium.

‘When I was at Pimpy, Harry didn’t seem to realize I was part of the squad

and kept giving me the keys to his car and asking me to make sure the tyres

got cleaned.’

‘…maybe it was because I still had the ’87 strip on that he didn’t take me

seriously. I asked to go on loan. No one seemed to mind. Even Micky Quinn’s

shadow seemed to nod in agreement. I knew it was over. It was the saddest

day of my life, walking out of that mock tudor chipboard door.’

“Now Father Jacks come in and whilst I’m loving my time in the APL it seems

that whenever I play well for DA, Pimpy seem to lose by an increasing

margin’

“It’s making my Saturdays unbearable. I still follow Pimpy’s results and

sometimes I find myself staring at teletext working out what a draw against

Stoke would do.’

‘I haven’t watched Match of the Day for weeks and think the only way to

break this run of bad luck for me to disappear like Stephen Fry somewhere,

somewhere foreign and grow a beard’

‘I’m therefore announcing I will not be available for DA’s next match

against our closest rivals AC Tortured, and am traveling east in a desperate

attempt to try reverse Father Jack’s and Pimpy’s fortunes’

To a rather bemused audience Westbrook then announced he was going

for a shower and if someone could hang the washing out that would be

great.

Westbrook hasn’t timed it well though, with Pimpy not having another

match until they face the perennial big time Charlies Liverpool next

Saturday.

Dynamo Artists continue to look elsewhere for inspiration.

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