The Bully, The Bullied & the Bystander

By Timber Monteith & Laura Cowan

Definition

“Bullying occurs when a student is repeatedly harmed, psychologically and/or physically, by

another student (person) or a group of students (people)” (Olweus, 1993).

Scenes from a Typical Bulling SituationAct I – Survey the Landscape

Bully – surveys the playground or hallway, identifies a target, looks to see if any adults are paying attention

Bullied – unaware he/she is being observedBystanders –laughing & enjoying one another’s

company

Act II – Test RunThe Bully – may brush up against the target as if

by accident, observes the reaction from the bullied and the bystanders, may use crude and hurtful names

The Bullied – may react with a shrug, is uneasy and feels fear in his/her gut, doesn’t know what to do

The Bystander – may either look away or laugh (giving support and approval to the bully)

Act III - ActionBully – may shove the target and view him/her

as an object of ridicule, not as an equalBullied – may blame him/herself for being

attacked, feels powerless, may try to rationalize that the bully really doesn’t mean to cause any harm

Bystanders – some may move away & feel guilty for not stopping the bullying. Others may join in and taunt the target. Depersonalization & desensitization.

Act IV - EmboldenedBully – may finds new opportunities to taunt & torment;

feels more powerful as he/she gains control over victimBullied – may spend class time trying to figure out way

to avoid bully; cannot concentrate on schoolwork; gets physically sick; makes excuses to avoid playground, bathroom, lunchroom, etc…; feels hopeless & helpless

Bystanders – may break into two camps: one group stays clear of bully & confrontation; second group joins in the bullying. Both fear the bully & rationalize the target had it coming & is outside their circle of caring; glad it’s not them

Act V – Pinnacle of Pain Bully – may continue to torment & hurt target with increased

viciousness; may become labeled a bully; fails to develop healthy relationships; may not feel empathy towards victim; views self as powerful & well liked; sense of entitlement

Bullied – may slump further into depression & rage – angry with self, bully, bystanders, & adults who wouldn’t or couldn’t help; also feels pressure & shame because now struggling academically; spends time thinking of ways to get revenge; might join other “undesirables” who plot revenge; withdraws further into isolation & exile

Bystanders- may remain fearful of bully & blame target for being a victim; join the bullying; shrug shoulders as do not see others intervening; see no need to stop it

Act VI - FinaleBully – might grow up with poor sense of self,

stunted social skills, aggressive; may become a bully in personal, social, & work relationships; continue cycle of violence; may move onto criminal activities

Bullied – may do whatever he/she can to get rid of the pain (often results in pent-up rage exploding into violent aggression)

Bystander – may either get caught in the crossfire, grow up guilt-ridden for not doing anything, or become desensitized to bullying

A Typical Bullying Scenario with a Not So Typical

Ending

Four Commonalities of Bullying

1. Imbalance of PowerOlderBiggerStrongerMore verbally adeptHigher up on social ladderDifferent raceOpposite sexGroup or gang mentality

Four Commonalities of Bullying

2. Intent to HarmEmotional painPhysical painExpects the action to hurtTakes pleasure in witnessing the hurtNot an accident, not playful teasing, not a slip of the

tongue

Four Commonalities of Bullying

3. Threat of Further AggressionBoth bully & bullied know the bullying can probably

occur againIf support is not sought or received or if it is not dealt

with appropriately, the bullying may not be a one time event.

Four Commonalities of Bullying

When bullying escalates…4th element is added:TERROR

Bullying is systematic violence used to intimidate and maintain dominance

Bully acts without fear of retaliation or recriminationBullied rendered so powerless that unlikely to fight

back or tell anyone about it.

3 Main Types of Bullying1. Verbal – words are powerful tools to break the spirit of

a child at the receiving end. This includes starting & spreading rumors

2. Physical – most readily identifiable, but accounts for less than 1/3 of bullying incidents

3. Non-verbal – ignoring, isolating, excluding, shunning. At it’s most powerful during middle school years as young teens are trying to figure out who they are & trying to fit in with their peers.

What Bullies have in Common

Dominate other peopleUse other people to get what they wantFind it hard to see a situation from another

person’s vantage pointAre concerned with only their own wants &

pleasures, and not the needs, rights & feelings of others

Tend to hurt others when adults are not around

What Bullies have in Common

View weaker siblings and peers as preyUse blame, criticism & false allegations to

project their own inadequacies onto their targetRefuse to accept responsibility for their actionsLack foresightCrave attentionRole models often use aggression

What Bullies have in Common

It’s not the bully we dislike, it’s the behavior that we do not like. Bullies are often acting out in an unhealthy manner the pain they

are feeling.

Kids take after adult role models:

Teasing vs. TauntingTeasing:

Teaser and person teased can easily swap roles No intention of hurting anyone Maintains basic dignity of everyone involved It is meant for both parties to laugh Is only a small part of activities shared by kids Is innocent in motive Is discontinued should someone become upset or objects

to the teasing Teasing is necessary part of socializing & building

relationships Flirtation

Teasing vs. TauntingTaunting:

Based on imbalance of power and is one-sided Is intended to harm Involves humiliation, cruel, demeaning, or bigoted

comments thinly disguised as a joke Includes laughter directed at the target, not with the target Is meant to diminish the self-worth of the target Includes fear of further taunting and can be prelude to

physical bullying Continues especially when targeted kid becomes distressed

or objects to the taunts Sexual harassment

The Bullied are often kids who:

Are the new kids on the block Youngest in the school Have been traumatized by other life events Are submissive & lack self-confidence Have behaviors others find annoying Are unwilling or unable to stand up for themselves Are shy, reserved, quiet and unassuming Are rich or poor Whose race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation are viewed

by the bully as inferior, deserving of contempt

The Bullied are often kids who:

Are bright, talented, gifted and ‘stand out’Expresses emotions easilyAppear physically different from norms of age groupwear braces or glassesHave acne or another skin conditionHave physical attributes that are different from the

majorityHave a physical or mental disability

Kids who are bullied often do not tell anyone about it because:

They are ashamed of being bulliedThey are afraid of retaliationThey don’t think anyone can helpThey don’t think anyone will helpThey believe the lie that it’s okay because bullying is

part of growing upThey believe that adults are part of the lie, since it is

not only kids who are bullying themThe have learned that “ratting” on a bully is not cool

So Now What?

What can we do if a child says he/she is

being bullied?

A few do’s if your child is bullied

Say “I hear you, I am here for you, I believe you, you are not alone in this”

Validate your child’s feelingsHelp your child see that it is not his/her faultTalk with your child about an effective planReport bullying to the schoolHelp your child develop a strong sense of self.

A few don’ts if your child is bullied

Do not minimize, rationalize, or explain the bully’s behavior

Do not rush to solve the problem for your childDo not tell your child to avoid the bully unless

physical safety is an issueDo not tell your child to fight backDo not confront the bully or the bully’s parents

alone.

Remember! Bystanders can be part of the problem or part of the solution

No Innocent Bystanders Followers/Henchmen – take active part but do not start the

bullying Supporters – support bullying but do not take active part Passive Supporters – who like bullying but do not display

open support Disengaged onlookers – watch what happens, but do not

take a stand Possible Defenders – do not like bullying and think they

should help out, but don’t Defenders of the Target – do not like bullying and try to help

What can you do at home to prevent bullying?

Parents give their kids 6 critical life messages every day I believe in you I trust you I know you can handle life situations You are listened to You are cared for You are very important to me

THESE MESSAGES HELP CHILDREN TO BUFFER THE POSSIBLE IMPACTS OF A BULLY, OR FROM THE NEED TO BECOME A BULLY!

What can you do at home to prevent bullying?

Listen to your child with an open mindCreate opportunities for your child to talk about

their livesSpend time with one another (Family Dinners!)

Each person talks about best, worst, & funniest part of the day.

What can you do if your child bullies?

1). Intervene immediately with discipline – the goals should be to instruct, teach, guide, and help your child become self-disciplinedShow child that he/she has done something wrong

(don not mince words)Give child ownership of the problem – no excusesGive child a process to solve the problem he/she

createdLeave dignity intact (child is not a bad person, but the

act of bullying was not that of a caring, responsible person

Find out why and what triggered this behavior

What can you do if your child bullies?

2). Create opportunities to “do good”3). Nurture empathy4). Teach friendship skills (assertive, respectful, &

peaceful ways to deal with others)5). Closely monitor your child’s TV viewing, video

game playing, computer activities, & music6). Engage in more constructive, entertaining, &

energizing activities

Warning Signs your child is being bullied

Abrupt lack of interest in school or refusal to go to schoolTakes an unusual route to schoolGrades dropWithdraws from family & school activitiesHungry after school, saying he/she lost lunch moneyTaking parents’ money and making lame excuses to

where it wentHeads straight to the bathroom when gets home from

school

Warning Signs Is sad, sullen, angry, or scared after receiving a phone call

or emailDoes something out of characterUses derogatory or demeaning language when talking

about peersStops talking about peers and everyday activitiesHas physical injuries not consistent with explanationHas disheveled, torn, or missing clothingHas stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks, is unable to

sleep, sleeps too much, is exhausted

Take a Stand Against Bullies!

HomeworkHave a conversation with your child about

bullying. An information sheet containing the do’s &

don’t’s of bullying, and some questions to ask your child is attached.

Resources and Bibliography

Coloroso, B. (2002). The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander. Toronto: HarperCollins Publishers.

Thompson, M. (2002). Mom, They’re Teasing Me; Helping your child solve social problems. New York: Ballantine Books.

Thompson, M. (2001). Best Friends, Worst Enemies; Understanding the social lives of children. New York: Ballantine Books.

Garbarino, J. & deLara, E. (2002). And Words Can Hurt Forever. New York: Free Press.

Bonds, M. & Stoker, S. (2000). Bully Proofing Your School. Longmont, CO: Sopris West.

Beane, A. (1999). Bully Free Classroom. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

http://www.bullying.org/