Helping Children Grieve

Children are resilient. They seem to grieve at their own pace and in their own way.Sometimes that means talking to friends more than parents. Sometimes healing canbe seen in unexpected hugs. Open discussions and questions might come from olderchildren, but even babies and toddlers feel the loss of someone they love. They willlearn from you that it is okay to cry, that they will be cared for and loved, no matterwhat. Model those truths. Be honest. Let schools and caregivers know what they aregoing through. And get help and support for yourself: this is the best gift you cangive to your children.  The following activities can provide opportunities for your children to express whatthey are feeling and to share comforting memories. These are classic examples ofplay that have been used in homes for generations. They are used by professionals inthe mental health field as well. If your child seems to need professional help ormight do well in a grief group or grief camp for children, ask your doctor or localmental health center what options exist. Most of all, don’t be afraid. It is natural tofear for our children’s futures, but child survivors and teens can heal and grow up tomake lives that are full of strength, compassion, and beauty.

Helping Children Grieve

Provide art materials that suit the ages of your children, from basic crayons anddrawing paper to projects like tempera scratch art and art journals. Draw or paintalong with them when you can and if they are receptive to that idea, even if youare only painting the house with a bucket of water and a big paint brush. Alsocollect felt and cardstock scraps to place with scissors and a glue stick in a specialcorner or drawer for independent play for older kids. Online resources formaterials and ideas are easy to find with a keyword search. Newspaper officesmay have large paper leftover at the ends of the print rolls. Make a mural, time-line, paper garden or just have your child lie on the paper while you trace aroundhis or her body. Let the child finish this life-size portrait by drawing on andcoloring clothing, hair, and accessories. For the tempera scratch art project, color the surface of thick paper with differentcolors of crayons. Paint over this with black tempera paint. Cover the entire sheet.When the paint dries, use a semi-sharp object like a bent paper clip or stylus toscratch a design or picture. The colors beneath will show through. Frame. And anart journal is just what it sounds like. Give a journal with sturdy pages to yourchild. Suggest drawing pictures inside as well as writing. Older children sometimeschoose to write letters to a missing sibling or parent.

Helping Children Grieve

Just running your fingers through sand can be comforting. If you don’t live near abeach, use containers and clean sand purchased from local garden centers. Thesecan be small or large. Cover outdoor sandboxes. Cinnamon sometimes keeps antsfrom wandering into the sandbox, but you won’t have that problem inside. Foryounger children, add small construction vehicles or trucks, sand toys, shells, andenough water to keep the sand from being dusty. For older children and teens,encourage (and model) molding sand into sea turtles, castles, or other forms. Createa “mud pie” bakery with a few kitchen utensils, bowls, and pans to involve everyone.Enjoy the laughter, and allow quiet times for reflection. Dough and slime in the kitchen can be stress-relieving activities, especially when youget to play with the product. Search for easy recipes online. Expand your activities toinclude food you can eat. From smoothies to whole menus, kids and teens can learnhealthy eating habits while satisfying their need to "do something” and to be withyou. One of my favorite smoothie recipes is simply adding frozen fruit, milk or nutmilk, and a bit of honey or other sweetener to the blender. If you want to use freshfruit, simply add some ice. Experiment with different combinations.

Helping Children Grieve

Visits to places with flowing water (creeks, streams, rivers) or peaceful lakes orfountains are healing for all ages (and all ages need constant supervision around allwater and in public places). Water play at home is a lot like sand therapy. Pouring,dabbling, and floating objects can all be fun and relaxing in buckets or plasticstorage containers. Toy boats and figures can prompt imaginative play. Sometimes,this “play” sparks serious conversation, but it is usually a safe outlet for feelings tobe expressed and released. Children need that as much as adults do, but let ithappen naturally, never forced. Ask your children for their ideas, and allow them to plan for activities and to helpduring excursions. The older ones might enjoy preparing items for your youngerchildren to use. Everyone might like to visit a commercial aquarium and meanderthrough the exhibits. Consider back-up plans and snacks for emergencies and toavoid melt-downs. Never rush a child. If you must leave quickly, explain why andsuggest a fun activity for when you all return home.

Helping Children Grieve

Speaking of fun activities, pretend play, andthings to look forward to, boxes make wonderfulplaysets. Mix all sizes with painter’s tape that iseasy to remove, small cars, crayons, and otheritems that might be found in a cityscape. If youhelp with the cutting, the buildings can havedoors and windows that open and close.Cardboard boxes make excellent country barns orbridges. Acrylic paint works well to add color.

Larger boxes can become fun rockets or pirate ships. Another idea is to stuff eachbox with paper or packing materials, tape securely closed, and cover with contactpaper to make towering block play possible. Encourage your child to draw windows,doors, and other decorations on the boxes, and place the tape on the floor to makeroadways and parking spaces. There could even be an aquarium or zoo in this tinycity with the addition of related animal figures like those found at Safari Ltd(https://www.safariltd.com/). This company uses materials that are non-toxic andBPA free. Check their “Toys that Teach” tab, and other areas of the website thatshare more of their story. The possibilities of play with boxes, blocks, transportationvehicles and animal figures are as endless as your child’s imagination. Another use for boxes or baskets is what we used to call Travel Buckets at myhouse. For my children, I saved large, round plastic ice cream containers for our tripsto the beach and holiday visits to family members who lived several hours of drivingaway. Small toy surprises, travel games, snacks, and drawing pads with crayonskept them busy on the long roads. The top and handle secured a bucket for eachchild. But there’s more! Fill a box, bin, or basket with materials a child can useindependently whenever they (or you) need a break. In one box, you might put smallsquares of felt (3 to 4 inches) with a small slit cut in the middle of each one, alongwith a 8-inch length of yarn, knotted at one end around a large button or woodenspool. After a child threads each square of felt onto the yarn, another knot securesthis “friendly snake” who is ready for play. Also, set aside a few new books or toys ora new DVD for when you need them most. Baskets could contain mini felt ormagnetic boards with corresponding felt shapes or magnetic letters. Here’s whereyou can use your imagination. What can you create?

Helping Children Grieve

Routine is important, especially to small children, but it’s fun to add surprise thingslike puppets, books, and even chores to the day’s activities. Cleaning, washingdishes, folding laundry, washing the car, weeding the garden … all of these thingskeep hands and minds busy and provide little bits of healing time, especially ifchoices are included. They are also ways children and teens can contribute to thecare of the family at a time when they may feel isolated and helpless. Playdateswith friends and social activities your children enjoyed before the  loss will bringthem relief now. Keep these going, as much as you can. If you don’t feel like takingthem yourself, ask a trusted friend to help.

If there’s one thing we can learn from the youngermembers of our families, it’s that life goes on in full,rich, and exciting ways. It may not feel like this is truesometimes, but we only have to take one step – one

breath, one day, one moment – at a time.