the golddigger issue 21 - april 1, 2013
TRANSCRIPT
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7/28/2019 The Golddigger Issue 21 - April 1, 2013
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T H E G O L D D I G G E R
Sports 11
Opinion 12
Features 6
News 3
Kim Jong Un
eats his way into
South Korea
Clever Dill!
Everyones
brackets are now
worthless!
Volume 92, Issue 21 April 1, 2013
The student hands of the Colorado School of Mimes
w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
This week, the Van Tuyl Lecture
deviated from its usual geologic
subject matter. Attendees were
treated to an in-depth analysis of
modern, innovative lower surface
material renovation for small-
scale passenger transportation
vehicles. The special edition Van
Tuyl Van Tile lecture concerned
the dynamics of design and imple-
mentation of tile ooring in vans.
Honored guest-lecturer and world-renowned van enthusiast Tony
Kornheiser wowed the audience
with enthusiasm and professional
grade pyrotechnics.
Traditionally, colorful shag car-
peting adorns the interiors of vans.
Extensive research surrounding
reactions to this flooring mate-
rial suggests that nearly all de-
mographics are repulsed and/or
frightened when met with imagery
or folklore regarding vans with
unsightly carpeting. Kornheiser
quoted an anonymous survey
taker: I threw up in my mouth a
little.
As a child, Kornheiser was fas-
cinated with the exterior grandeur
and beauty of full-sized vans, butwas always disappointed upon
entering them. The sleek, graceful
exterior of vans, sometimes embel-
lished with mystical and inspired
murals really transports me into a
state of relaxation and bliss, said
Kornheiser. However, the atrocious
interior of vans, which almost
always contain shag carpeting,
disrupts this tranquil state of being.
Research conducted at the Uni-
versity of Maryland University Col-
lege suggests that shag carpeting
is a breeding ground for danger-
ous infectious bacteria and fungi.
Kornheiser quoted the study as he
said, The foul stenches in most
vans are commonly due to various
strains of the fungus mycorrhizae,
which thrives on the enigmatic
gooch particles present in shag
carpeting. Mycorrhizae has been
associated with the origins ofseveral devastating diseases and
illnesses such as SARS, tuber-
culosis, cholera, and Hepatitis E.
Not only is shag carpeting tacky,
but it also poses real and serious
health risks.
Displeased with the current
state of affairs, Kornheiser sought
a way to embrace the elegance of
vans, yet avoid the negative side
effects of shag carpeting. After
months of study and meditation
in a Shaolin Monastery in Beaver
Lick, Kentucky, I stumbled upon
the epiphany I was so desperately
seeking. Whilst working with fellow
monks declawing orphaned bad-
gers, I discovered the solution,
he said. The simple solution wasthe removal of carpeting in vans
all together. Kornheiser was going
to install high quality tiling in vans.
Upon the announcement of his
solution, the awe-inspiring pyro-
technics were unveiled.
Amazing van tileEmily McNair
Aesthetic Detonator
Van expert Tony Kornheiser shares his van re-surfacing with campus. He became tired of disease-ridden shag carpeting
in his van and made a change.
South Table Mountains time has
come and gone. The Golden City
Council has now approved a plan
to destroy this monumental stone
landmark. Residents of Golden
have been complaining about South
Tables aesthetics for years. The boxy
mountain blocks views of otherwise
beautiful sunrises and is a horrible
eyesore.
Im surprised it wasnt gone
sooner, said Jody Ramone, a long-time resident. Its just so ugly! Over
the years, many residents have pro-
posed that South Table
Mountain be destroyed,
but 2013 was the first
year that the Golden
City Council took the
requests seriously.
Our biggest goal is to
make Golden a great place to live,
said John Doe, councilman. If that
requires us to move a mountain, then
so be it.
However, many Mines students
hate to see the beloved mountain
disappear. Its a symbol of the city,
noted Holly Brown, I couldnt imag-
ine living without it. Other students
love the mountain for its recreationalactivities. I go up there every week-
end, said Joseph Krane. Its my
escape from Mines.
Many geologists also frown upon
the decision. South Table Mountain
is rich in geologic history, said Mi-
chael Jones, world-renowned geolo-
gist. By destroying this landmark,
the City of Golden is destroying
millions of years of Rocky Mountain
history. South Table Mountain is well
known for its geologic mysteries, but
it is also home to many archaeologi-
cal sites. The Pineote Indians, who
were most well-known for their whit-
tling skills, lived on the mountaintop
for several hundred years before
they were exposed to measles. The
disease ravaged their already small
numbers and the tribe died out within
several years. South Table Mountain
is home to the only Pineote Indian
archaeological sites.The community has a chance
to appeal the councils decision.
The Coun cil wil l
listen to the oppo-
sition on April 30
at 11:30 pm at the
Golden City Coun-
cil Chambers.
Demolition is
set to begin in July. Residents of the
east side of Golden will be required
to evacuate their homes for two
years while the mountain is being
excavated. Much of the stone will be
sent to various landscaping compa-
nies throughout the Rocky Mountain
region, and the city of Golden plans
to sell the newly available land to
raise funds for more snow removalequipment. All recoverable artifacts
will be sent to various museums
around the country. The Colorado
State Patrol is already in the process
of moving their ofces to downtown
Denver and the National Renewable
Energy Laboratory plans to move
their operations to Colorado Springs.
Mountain gone!
Our biggest goal is
to make Golden a
great place to live.
Continued atTiling on page 3
Evan Michael
Thomas Ford
Whats in the
box?!?!?
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER
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Oredigger Staff
Deborah Good
Princess of Publications
Katie HuckfeldtMarquess of Management
Steven WooldridgeKnight of Web
Barbara AndersonGrand Duchess of Design
Lucy OrsiBaroness of Business
Ian MertzEarl of Editing
Taylor PolodnaDuke of Design
Connor McDonaldSquire of Web
Arnaud FilliatEarl of Editing
Katerina GonzalesCountess of Content
Jared RiemerCount of Content
Emily McNairCountess of Content
Karen GilbertGrand Vizier
Headlines from around the galaxyLocal News
Colorado Governor JohnHickenlooper is pushing for
stronger control on vehicles inthe State of Colorado. Eachyear, hundreds die from acci-dents at the hands of criminals.
The measures currently pro-posed in the State House wouldlimit access to the amount ofgasoline a vehicle can hold, cit-ing the supposed High Capac-ity Fuel Tanks as the root of thestates problems. The bill aims toarbitrarily limit the fuel tank sizeto 15 gallons, a number no oneis sure of the origin. The state islargely divided as constituentsood inboxes of representatives
in both support and oppositionof the bill. Opposers of the billclaim that this ban would only
hurt law-abiding citizens, andcriminals would simply ignorethe new legislation. Data fromthe Colorado Department of
Transportation shows that thenumber of accidents involvingHigh Capacity fuel tanks inrecent years has actually de-clined, despite what supportersclaim. The governor is expected
to sign the bill into law againststrong opposition from Coloradocitizens if passed in the stateHouse and Senate.
A local couple alerted GoldenPolice to a strange disturbanceduring the early morning hoursof March 27, 2013. Ofcials re-
ported the couple witnessedinebriated students debatingthe theories of quantum phys-ics. The couple had just recentlyseen Men In Black and werespooked about the comparisonbetween the Girl with quantumscience textbooks and what
they witnessed. The investiga-tion is still ongoing.
Josh Kleitsch, Jazzing Journalist
Josh Kleitsch, Staff Jester
North Korean president KimJong-un and United States presi-dent Barack Obama met for aman-date at the Melting Potfondue restaurant in Littleton, Colo-rado, to discuss nuclear armamentand peace in the Middle East. Oddlyenough, Kim is not concerned withbombing the United States. In themeeting, he expressed interest in
assisting the United States in deal-ing with the various threats from theMiddle East.
Colorado School of Mines stu-dents found a way to travel back
in time last week after the keg raceat Meyer Hall. They said that, if youdrink enough booze, you can actu-ally start to move backwards in time.Local scientists have pondered thecause of this phenomenon andhave decided that excess alcohol
causes the brain to start see-ing things that happened inthe past. Time does notliterally slow down, butsimply appears toslow down.
Strange thingshappened inSouth Denverthis week. Thep r es id en t sm o t o r c a d e
spontaneouslyshowed up.
According tonews reportsfrom the area,the presi-
dent visited
his long-
lost twin
in Aurora.The Presidentexpressed his
desire to remain anonymous, butthat proved difcult considering the
high-prole nature of the Secret
Service.Coors Brewing in Golden, Colo-
rado, has started selling a beerthat many think is reminiscent of astrawberry daiquiri. The beer, whichCoors is calling Olde Style Lam-bic Ale, will be roughly 12% alco-hol by volume and is made usinga special brewing process knownas lagering. The brewing processnormally requires gradually lower-ing the fermentation temperature,
but this type of brewing requiresgradually raising the fermentation
temperature. The nal temperature
of the brewing process is close to140 degrees Fahrenheit.
Computer manufacturer Dell hasreleased a press announcement re-garding its iPhone killer phone,which they said will present a newside of smartphone computing tothe world. The device is slated tohave a 5-inch, 2560x1400 screen,
an octo-core CPU operating at3.6Ghz, and a wireless antennathat is reported to connect to wire-less networks 2000 meters away.
The phone will probably cost be-
tween $7500 and $8000 when it isreleased.
Golden, Colorado - Have you ever wanted to sit back and watch your home-work do itself, soaking up the information without lifting a nger? Most students
have, but until recently, the mind-mapping technology to make this a reality hasnot been possible. Colorado School of Mines graduate students in the Physicsdepartment began working on the device about three years ago, and thanks torecent developments in neurological manipulation have been able to constructa fully functional homework machine. It works by scanning the homework, then
targeting the necessary parts of the students brain to solve the problems. Thedevice essentially teaches your mind how to do the homework without you hav-ing to struggle through the problem solving process on your own. In essence,it does your homework while teaching you how to do it yourself. The deviceinterfaces with a master computer that loads useful information remotely, muchlike the system used in The Matrix to teach a user how to do Kung Fu, or y
a helicopter. The device will probably be in development for a few more years,simply due to the complexity of mapping a human brain. Students can expect to
see the technology available for purchase within the next two years.
Transylvania, Romania - For many years, the scientic community believed
that vampirism was a hoax. Last week a group of biochemists and biological engi-neers working under Dr. Rupert Dracula uncovered the secret of vampirism. Drac-ula is the descendent of the famous Count Dracula and seeks to carry on his pow-erful legacy through his vampire work. The group started by analyzing the remains
of Count Dracula and the various people he bit throughout his long and industriouscareer, hoping to nd a genetic indicator that would lead them to the cause of the
Counts mysterious abilities. After many years of study, they discovered that theCount possessed the unearthly ability to physically alter his victims DNA. Theredoes not appear to be any scientic explanation for how he did this, but Dracula
thinks that they are only a few months work away from nding out what gave the
Count his power. In the meantime, Dracula has expressed his desire to follow in
the Counts glorious footsteps and has legally changed his name to Count Dracula.
Casablanca, Morocco -The Star Wars universe may have originated from the mindof George Lucas, but it has not stayed there. Researchers in Casablanca, Morocco,have been working on a way to collect moisture from the atmosphere in North Africa. Thetechnology has its roots in Star Wars technology used on the desert planet Tatooine. Thelead scientist involved in the process has described the process as reverse electroplat-ing, just with water instead of an ionic metal. By electrically destabilizing the molecularstructure on the air surrounding the massive collector towers, they can attract the waterout of the air and into the storage tanks underground. The technology has many usesacross the vast stretches of desert in the Middle East and the African continent.
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A 40-minute laser light show
with a musical appearance from
guitar legend Slash wowed the au-
dience and nearly did Kornheisers
revolutionary discovery justice.
From that point on, it was a
downhill ride. My team and I be-gan gutting the interior of every van
Interior van tilingwe could nd and replacing the
carpeting with tasteful tile design
schemes, said Kornheiser. His vi-
sion had become reality. Vans were
now the peaceful and resplendent
sanctuaries of his dreams. Korn-
heiser left the audience with noble
advice, which left tears in their
eyes: Now vans are beautiful on
the inside, which is what truly mat-ters. Stay in school.
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER
Tiling the interior of his van made a world of difference for
Tony Kornheiser.
Evan Michael
Thomas Ford
Everyone has seen the geesewandering around Mines Park, the
intramural elds, and all over cam-
pus. These are not simple coinci-
dences. These geese are working
with North Korea and are planning to
take over the United States starting
with the Colorado School of Mines.
Part of North Koreas agreement
with the geese is that the geese
will place strategic gas bombs ev-
erywhere that will slowly but surely
poison the students and faculty of
CSM to open the campus for North
Korea to use for their diabolical
plots. These bombs are fairly easy
to spot. Look for small, green and
white devices spread
out on sidewalks and
on lawns. Somehave prematurely
detonated and
have already re- leased their
poison. Students should make
sure not to cover themselves
in it.
The Oredigger sent in-
vestigative reporter Taylor
Tyree (no relation to Chase
Tyree) undercover to get infor-
mation from North Korean leader
Kim Jong-un. After following Kim
for three months, The Oredigger
nally received word from Tyree.
His hastily scribbled message on
the back of a dumpling wrapper had
this to say: All hail the great leader
Kim Jong-un, for he is the one who
slayed the last of the Unicorns and
set free the people
of North Koreafrom the tyranny of
the great Dragon
Smogalicious. We
shall honor him with
food, lots of food,
buffets of food, and
he does not have
a plan to work with
the Canadian Geese
of Colorado to take
over the United
States of America.
He is a great leader
and would never brainwash evil
American spies for his own amuse-
ment. Judging from the state of his
doughy message, Tyree is in a bit of
a pickle, but the geese situation is
more important than his rescue forthe time being.
As a result, Colorado School
of Mines police ofcers are tak-
ing action. Since the geese are
t o o
North Korean geese visitU.S., Mines to conquerChase Tyree
Political Ornithologistpowerful for police to handle, the
CSM force has hired members of the
Urban Gaming Club
(UGC) to take on theresponsibility to cap-
ture and/or kill all of
the geese on cam-
pus before their plan
can go into effect.
UGC is still looking
for volunteers for the
CGES (Canadian
Geese Extermina-
tion Squad), saying,
Sign up today and
be part of the good
ght.
Students and faculty of Mines
should remember these few simple
rules during this time of war. First,
avoid stepping on the goose land
mines, for it may be the last thing
on which one treads. Second, makesure to keep doing physics problems
in ones mind so that the North Ko-
reans brainwashing equipment be-
comes non-functional. Last, never
accept invites from strange geese.
If any of the geese gives an offer or
an invite to a BBQ or a goose
party, despite how fun
it sounds, it will
be a trap to
brainwash
their vic-
tims to
join their evil cause.
Stay safe out there, CSM. And
good luck, were all counting on you.
These geese are work-
ing with North Korea
and are planning to
take over the United
States starting with
the Colorado School
of Mines.
Rising migration of wild Afri-
can safari and jungle animals to
the western United States has in-
creasingly burdened zookeepers
in America for the past ten years.
This is a real problem these
days, said zoologist Dr. Bob
Faux. Most parents see this as
an opportunity to get their families
a pet lion, but this has contributed
to the over-domestication of lions
in America.
Enter the Colorado School of
Mines. According to recent re-
ports, the Greek establishment at
Mines will be altered forever start-
ing in the fall semester of 2013.
Several Greek gureheads have
conrmed that the rechristened
system will consist entirely of wild
animal shelters and zookeepers.
Many Greek campuses around
the nation have already made the
transition from the ancient tradi-
tions of Greek life to the new andalternative way of animal-keeping
to help the zoo relief efforts. Mines
has been, as with many trends,
behind the modern times on this
issue. All of that will change next
fall.
The adjus tment to zookeeping
will be a swift and rigorous pro-
cess. This transition consists of
three steps: renaming the Greek
houses, refurbishing the struc-
tures, and training new zookeep-
ers. Although this will require an
abundance of time and resources,
reports have conrmed that the
new refuge system will be funded
by the Fleeing Animal Keeper Es-
tablishment (FAKE) fund. Major al-
terations are set to be completed
by the fall semester of 2013. Inaddition to construction, all rule
changes made to the Greek sys-
tem will be in effect starting next
semester.
The renaming convention will
keep and modify the names of
the standing houses on campus.
For example, it is rumored that
the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house
will be renamed Sigma Alpha
Epsi-lion. Further allegations say
the Sigma Nu house will be called
the Sigma Gnus and the Sigma
Kappa house will take the name
the Sigma Capybaras. Despite
this new naming convention,
many zookeepers have assured
the public that the houses will not
discriminate against any animal.The houses will shelter animals of
every shape and size despite their
titles. Greeks from every house
are preparing for the arrival of ani-
mals from lions and cheetahs to
elephants and hippopotamuses.
In addition to the new names,
all the houses on campus will be
retrotted to hold dozens of un-
tamed animal refugees at any
given time. Even the off-campus
Sigma Gnu house is being al-
tered to t the needs of African
animal refugees. The rst adjust-
ment consists of importing sev-
eral authentic African safari and
jungle plants. This is meant to
make the animals feel like they
are in their natural habitat. Greek
ofcials claim that the re-alarmsprinklers will periodically shower
the animals in the
tropical African
forest zones. The
houses will even
be heated to sim-
ulate the savan-
nah weather of
southern Africa.
The main issue
when building the
animals natural
habitats is trying
to match the vast
diversity of the African climate and
geography, Faux said. Scientists
and zoologists are making every
effort to ensure the animals do
not feel imprisoned, but insteadfeel welcome in their new homes.
Tall grass will make up the oor in
the majority of the Sigma Capy-
bara house, where construction
has already commenced. While
animals will not be permitted in
the house until next semester,
zookeeper training will start early
this summer.
The zookeepers will accept
applications in the Student Cen-
ter starting May 1, 2013. Spear-
heading the zookeeper training
effort will be Dr. Clark Kent. Kent,
who studied at Nontreal Univer-
sity in Canada, has been nation-
ally acclaimed for his relief effort
for the African animal refugees.
Im really looking forward to fa-
cilitating the training, and Im gladto be able to contribute to the ef-
fort, Kent said.
The training will
start late May and
continue through
August, when the
largest migration
in United States
history is ex-
pected to occur.
Current Greek
members are ll-
ing the roles of
grounds keepers
for their houses. These habitats
will take a lot of maintaining, but I
encourage the Greek members to
apply to be zookeepers. Ill need
as many people who know theterritory as possible, Kent said.
Zookeeper training is meant to
be a very rigorous process. How-
ever, Kent said that the last month
of training will be spent dressing
the new keepers. Traditional sa-
fari guide clothes will be the new
dress code for the newly instated
guardians. I still encourage them
to wear loincloths to promote re-
spect from the wild animals, but
that violated tons of school rules.
Tarzan has always been one of
my heroes, he said.
Many parents of current Mines
students are worried about the
safety of their children with wild
animals on campus, but Faux put
their worries to rest. Would you
rather have the animals roamingthe streets or in the Greek houses
with trained zookepers? he said.
Many Greek members dismiss
the safety issue out of excitement
for the incoming animals. Sopho-
more Sigma Capybara Colin Mar-
shall shared her enthusiasm for
the cause. Im super excited,
especially for the elephants. I
bet their trunks make really good
night time companions, she said.
Several other Greek members
have showed their support by vol-
unteering on the Sigma Capybara
construction site.
Despite the great efforts,
Greek street still has a long way to
go in the months ahead. The ad-
justment from Greek house to zoohouse may seem like a big step to
take place over one summer, but
it is a step many Mines ofcials
are eager to make for the sake of
the wild refugees. Several Greek
establishments across the nation
have already made the change
to help the relief efforts and now
Mines can count itself one among
the prestigious zookeeper cam-
puses in America.
Greek life becomes a literal animal houseHannah Max Rossi
Zookeeper
Greek ocials claim
that the fre-alarm
sprinklers will peri-
odically shower the
animals in the tropical
African forest zones.
COURTESYDICK DANIELS / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
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Claudius Pendleton was pretty
much your average mime attend-
ing the Colorado School of Mimes.
Twenty years old and not a single
word had escaped him since he
discovered the art of miming atthirteen years old, a fact his par-
ents barely hesitated to brag about
to anyone who would watch, for
they too were great mimes. Most
people could talk and many en-
gaged in conversations using only
words but Claudius could not af-
ford the distraction. He had work
to do, especially if he was going
to earn the title, The Great Hand,
a.k.a. greatest mime of all time!
Like any other mime in training,
Claudius attended classes ranging
from the ethics of miming to basic
miming classes, which included
Makeup I and II and the dreaded
weed out class Physical Miming III.
Today he only had Modern Miming
lab, which was his smallest class.As the professor demonstrated a
wide array of techniques, Claudius
just stared from behind his large,
round blue eyes. The sounds of
pencils scratching against paper
seemed like violent explosions in
the silent lecture halls. The heat
circulating through the room lulled
him to sleep.
It was only when he opened his
eyes again did he realize the whole
class was staring at him, including
the professor who looked on in ap-
proval. Before the professor could
go on, the sharp clang of the bell
signaled the end of class and ev-
eryone rose silently to shufe out
of the room. Throughout the hall-
ways, graduating seniors wereshowing off the results of their cap-
stone projects. One guy appeared
to be imitating the waltz but really it
looked like he was hopping around
a pit of lava hoping to avoid taking
one wrong step.
As Claudius exited Meyer Hall,
he almost groaned from the bright
sun shining on his face. He ran for
the cover of several trees to his
right. Settling in under the shade,
Claudius looked up at the mimes
hand symbol on Mt. Zion. Across
the eld, other students were min-
gling, smiling and laughing.
Thats when she caught his
eye. She was as pretty as silk shin-
ing in the light. Her straight black
hair was tied into a high ponytail
that swished and swayed with her
every move. She was imitating a
sh gangling on a hook. The group
around her roared with laughter.Yeah right, Claud, like Mara
would ever go for you.
As if shed heard his thoughts,
she looked over, smiled and
waved.
Claudius turned around but
saw no one around him. When he
looked back, the girl was gone.
His smile faded. Just as well. His
miming was dismal at best. Know-
ing his luck, hed try to imitate a
dashing gentleman and end up
opping around like a sh out of
water. He sighed as he stood and
headed home.
Later that night as he took off
his miming mask, he settled into
bed with some homework and
drifted off to sleep.Beep beep beep
The strange noise penetrated
the darkness of sleep. Claudius
rolled over, hoping the noise would
go away.
Dude, turn it off already.
Claudius jumped from the voice.
A sharp knocking sound came
from his door. Rubbing the last of
sleep from his eyes, he reached
over and shut off the alarm on his
phone. He jumped from the bed,
almost gasping as his book made
a thud as it hit the ground. Open-
ing the door, his roommate Fred
stood with his arms crossed.
Seriously Claud, I dont know
how you sleep through that.
Claudius held up a hand butFred had turned and disap-
peared into his room. Brow fur-
rowed, Claudius closed the door
and turned back to his disheveled
room. He picked up the book that
had fallen to the oor and turned
to throw it onto his desk when
its title caught his eye. What in
the world was calculus and more
importantly what was it doing in
his bedroom. He dropped to his
hands and knees, picking up the
variety of textbooks. Instead of the
usual miming classics he found
books lled with strange symbols
and equations. What was he doing
with books on dynamics and what
did that have to do with uids?
A strange confused sound
came from his throat as book af-
ter book was clearly related to
science and engineering. He ran
to the bathroom, splashing wateron his face. When he looked up
his hair was slightly longer and
his eyes appeared sunken into
his face, casting a small shadow
across his face. His hands groped
the counter for his mask makeup
but instead found a razor and a
half-squeezed tube of toothpaste.
Going through all the bathroom
drawers revealed nothing. His
heart sunk straight to his feet. It
took him three weeks to save up
for the stuff and he had his nal
presentation in a few days. His
throat tightened and he fought the
nausea in his stomach. He looked
up at the clock, realizing he was
already late. Jumping into the
shower, he decided to search hisapartment later.
The people on the bus were
less talkative than usual, which
was quite the relief on Claudi-
us pounding headache. Lost in
thoughts he turned his gaze to the
mountains passing by.
Impossible! The makeup, even
the books, he could understand
but thisthis
He turned to the person sit-
ting next to him, tapping the man
gently on the shoulder. When the
man turned with a scowl, Claudi-
us pointed to the strange symbol
on the mountain. A large white M
stood in the place of the mimes
hand.
Yeah, its the M. What aboutit?
When Claudius didnt answer,
the man rolled his eyes and moved
to a different seat. Who could have
done such a thing? It must have
been the hippy mimes.
Claudius hoped that when he
got to campus all would be normal
again. Alas, his day would take
a turn for the weird and strange.
When he got off the bus, he ran to
the schools welcome sign. Print-
ed in large black letters were the
words Welcome to the Colorado
School of Mines.
Colorado School of Mines?!
Like Miners? Miners?! That would
certainly explain the engineering
books.
As he walked to his normal spot
on Kafadar, he noticed everyones
nose was buried in a textbook. No
one was talking. He kept his headdown in thought as he walked over
to his normal spot.
Claud!
Claudius looked up and was
struck dumb. From across the eld
Mara was running towards him. He
smiled, although confused. How
does she know my name?
Claud, thank God youre
here! She paused to catch her
breath. The schools declared a
state of emergency. A group of
people called the LAIS have invad-
ed campus and stolen the source
of electricity! Already the internet
has starved and gone into a dire
coma.
Claudius stared not sure how to
respond. Mara continued, breath-less. Look! Without the internet,
all the engineers and scientists are
losing their powers!
Sure enough, when Claudius
looked around, all the students
appeared to be losing their energy.
One student sat despondent as he
kept pressing the power button on
his calculator in the hopes it would
nally turn on.
A small rumble shook the
ground. On the other side of Ka-
fadar, the doors to Stratton Hall
swung open. Four gures in prop-
er mime attire emerged from the
blinding white light and marched
toward the center of the eld.
Claudius started walking for-
ward to meet them. He could feelthe students look up in curiosity
as he passed. A surge of power
bubbled inside his stomach. All his
years of mime school at the fore-
front of his mind, he soon found
himself standing face to face with
the Great Hand and his disciples.
Claudius Pendleton.
He knows my name!
Claudius nodded, brought his
hands above his head to symbol-
ize a light bulb and gestured to the
lethargic students who looked on.
So you are their champion?
LAIS invasion aficts Claudius PendletonIan Mertz
Liberal Arts InvestigatorThree tests to pass before we shall
give up our prize.
The rst and second Claudius
blew through with ease. Claudius
felt himself standing a bit taller, es-
pecially when he heard the student
cheering. Only one more test and
he would be their hero.
The Great Hand looked dis-pleased for a moment but then
smiled. Speak.
Oh no.
Speak, Claudius Pendleton.
The cheering became louder.
ClaudiusClaudius
Claudius eyes began to feel
heavy as if he was in between
being asleep and awake. His
head bobbed from fatigue. As
he opened his mouth, willing the
words to come out, Claudius felt
his head smash into a desk.
Small bursts of laughter and
an awkward silence fell onto the
classroom.
Claudius opened his eyes to
see all the students and the pro-
fessors eyes on him. The profes-sor shut the textbook. I think well
wrap things up here today. See
you all on Monday. Have a happy
miming weekend everyone!
Claudius looked down at his
gloved hands and looked into a
nearby mirror to see his familiar
masked face. On the desk his
notes on Modern Miming were
cut short and a line trailed the rest
of the page where he had fallen
asleep.
Sleep?! I was asleep! A night-
mare.
When he looked up, Mara
stood in front of him. She wore a
simple black mimes shirt and a
shy smile. She reached into her
bag and pulled out two aspirin.Claudius held his breath, resist-
ing the urge to pinch his arm to
check if this was a dream.
Thank you. His voice was
hoarse.
Looked like an interesting
dream.
Claudius nodded. The school
was called the Colorado School of
Mines, not mimes.
Mara gave a short chuckle.
Isnt it funny when people confuse
the name of our school? I got that
all the time when I applied here.
A dragon has taken up resi-
dence on the Colorado School of
Mines campus.
The 20-foot beast began ap-
pearing in mid-March, but no
credible sightings have been re-
ported until recently. Last week,
the dragon circled campus for an
hour before landing on Kafadar. At
rst, I couldnt believe it, said Katy
Schneider, one of the hundreds that
witnessed the event. I didnt think
dragons actually existed. Several
witnesses called Public Safety, who
had no idea what to do with the
beast.
This is unheard of, said Deputy
Jack Haley. Were prepared to deal
with a lot of situations, but this was
a rst. The ofcers eventually used
Blaster to lure the dragon away.
The burro was not harmed in the
process, but the ofcers hope that
they can come to a better solution
in case this situation occurs again.
They are asking students for sug-
gestions on how to deal with the
beast.
Id kill him, said Elizabeth
Frank, a self-proclaimed profession-
al dragon slayer. She had several
encounters with the beast, most
notably in Steinhauer Field House.
The dragon took up residence in the
building, preventing Frank from get-
ting her exercise. He attacked me
anytime I stepped
onto the track, she
said. When asked
how she would kill
the dragon, Frank
said, Big boom... re-
ally, really big boom.
Other students
suggested that Pub-
lic Safety leave the
dragon alone. We
shouldnt kill the
dragon, said Will
Magrogan. I like
him. He isnt hurting us, so why
should we hurt him? A coalition
of students calling themselves Stu-
dents for Dragon Protection (SDP)
assembled on Kafadar yesterday to
explain how the dragon was actual-
ly good for Golden. Hed be a great
attraction, sort of like the Loch Ness
Monster, said Julia Schmidt, public
relations chair of SDP.
However, recent events may
change the opinions of SDP. Magro-
gan, the coalitions self-appointed
president, recently went missing.
He was last seen at 11:00 pm
Monday night along Maple Street,
presumably headed
towards the dragons
lair in Steinhauer Field
House. Public Safety
believes that the drag-
on ate Magrogan.
In some ways, its
not surprising, said
his distraught girlfriend
when she heard the
news. When I rst
heard about the drag-
on on campus, I g-
ured Will would be the
rst to go check it out. I just never
thought... that this would happen.
He didnt deserve this!
Public Safety has closed off
the area around Steinhauer Field
House, Volk Gymnasium, and Cool-
baugh Hall, declaring the area too
Emily McNair
Mythical Creature ExpertMythical creatures attack Mines students
We shouldnt kill
the dragon, said
Will Magrogan. I
like him. He isnt
hurting us, so whyshould we hurt
him?
dangerous to enter. PA classes
have been cancelled and chemistry
classes have been moved to Ber-
thoud until further notice. Students
have been urged to avoid the drag-
on at all costs.
The previously thought mythical dragon interrupted
classes this week.
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Last week, a group of Colo-
rado School of Mines students
witnessed the gruesome and in-
conceivable deaths of the entire
Oredigger news-
paper staff in what
appears to be the
largest mass dragon
killing in Mines his-
tory. The situation
was as strange as it
was improbable, ac-
cording to one of the
students that was on
the scene.
What follows is
the detailed account
of the murders of the
editor in chief, thecontent managers,
and the layout and business team
of the Oredigger newspaper. All
the facts are true, but names have
been changed to protect the in-
nocent.
The incident occurred on the
night of March 31, 2013. It was
a dark and stormy night, charac-
teristic of many nights in the quiet
neighborhoods surrounding the
Colorado School of Mines. This
group of writers and newspaper
folk saw no indication that any-
thing about this particular evening
would be out of the ordinary. The
group was hard at work in the
newspaper ofce, laying out the
current issue of the newspaper.
They were preparing to send off
the completed issue to the print-
ers for delivery Monday morning.The gang was getting hungry
and the editor-in-chief, Deborah
Good, decided that she would
take a quick trip to King Soopers
to pick up a box
of donuts and
some soda for
the layout team.
As she left, a
silent shadow
moved out
from behind the
desk in editor-
in-chief ofce.
The shadows
stealth allowed
it to travel
through the
hallways of theStudent Activi-
ties ofce and remain undetected
as it followed Good, snifng the
ground and making disturbing
squeaks along the way. It was
shocking that a dragon could be
so undetectable. Generally, they
are thought to be large, loud crea-
tures, but this one had taken an
animal tracking course and was
therefore silent.
As Good exited the Student
Center into the courtyard behind
the building, she sensed an omi-
nous presence behind her, though
she still could not hear the dragon.
Her female intuition had tipped her
off to her stalkers presence, but it
was too late. The mysterious crea-
ture opened its snout to greet the
editor-in-chief. Sadly, Good did
not speak dragon and assumedthe creature was attacking her.
She passed out before she even
had time to scream. The dragon
forgot its re breath and attempt-
ed to give Good mouth-to-mouth.
This was the nal straw, as she
suffered severe lung burns.
Back inside the ofce, the
former editor-in-chief, Katherine
Huckfeldt, suddenly felt the urge
to take a walk in the courtyard.
Ill just be out for a few minutes,
guys, she said, and walked out
the back door. What she found
shocked her to
the core. A fresh-
man in metallurgy
just happened
to be watchingfrom Randall sec-
ond, and he said
that The look of
shock on her face
nearly made me
wet my pants. I
could see a soul-
ripping scream in
her eyes, but she
was so terried
that she couldnt
make a sound. I didnt see what
she saw, but just the look on her
face scared me. Unfortunately,
Huckfeldt had the powers of de-
duction the dragon lacked and
was aware that dragon mouth-to-
mouth could end only in tragedy.
After 13 minutes and 12 sec-
onds, Arnaud Filliat, the assistant
copy editor, decided he would
head out to the courtyard to see ifHuckfeldt was okay. She was only
supposed to be gone for a few
minutes, and its been much more
than that, he said. He walked out
the door and started wandering
around the courtyard, calling for
Huckfeldt. Having no indication
of what happened to either of the
other staff members, he continued
walking around. With a sudden-
ness and speed that would shake
the nerves of any man, the dragon
caught Filliat by the throat, wanting
to explain himself. However, the
dragon did not know
its own strength and
Filliat was instantly
killed.
The rest of thestaff became very
suspicious. It had
been over 45 min-
utes since Good left,
and she should have
returned by now. Ad-
ditionally, they were
concerned about
Huckfeldt and Filliats
absence. They de-
cided that they would
head out to the parking lot and see
if they could nd the three miss-
ing Editorial Board members. They
guessed that something terrible
must have happened to them. Lit-
tle did they know that they would
never again hear the sound of
Goods voice or the dulcet tones
of the League of Legends narrator
as Arnaud played the game in the
newspaper ofce for hours on end.When they opened the door,
the mere sight of the horrors
turned them into stone. There was
the body of Good, the rst to go,
squashed under a dragon. Next
to her was Huckfeldt, collapsed
in a pile of dragon spittle. The last
in the horric display was Filliat,
sprawled pathetically. His throat
was encrusted with diamonds and
he wore the look of Smeagol when
he realized his Precious was gone.
The sight was too much to
bear. The rest of the staff died right
then and there when their hearts
simultaneously stopped beating.
Frozen where they stood, The
Oredigger staff had nished their
last newspaper. It was a grim, hor-ric day.
The campus is unsure how it
will continue without its much-be-
loved weekly publication. Without
The Oredigger, dissemination of
information about the latest video
games will become nearly impos-
sible, crippling half of all social in-
teraction on campus.
There is currently an ongoing
investigation by the Golden Police
Department to discover the true
identity of the killer and his where-
abouts, but to date they have
uncovered nothing of use. If you
have any information regarding
the death of these beloved nerds,
please call 1-800-FOOLEDU.
Mass dragon-icide claims lives of Minesnewspaper staff in terrible accidentAnonymous P.O.d Mines
Student
Anti-Dragon Activist
As Good exited the
Student Center into
the courtyard behind
the building, she
sensed an ominous
presence behind her,
though she still could
not hear the dragon.
Unfortunately,
Huckfeldt had the
powers of deduction
the dragon lacked
and was aware that
dragon mouth-to-
mouth could end only
in tragedy.
Declassied CIA les have been
released that indicate retired Hall
of Fame basketball player Dennis
The Worm Rodman is or was a
CIA spy planted in North Korea to
gain the trust of Kim Jung-un. The
papers suggest Rodmans goal
was to assess Kims motives and
determine whether or not North
Korea posed a threat to the United
States.
Rodman gained attention in the
states after declaring Kim Jung-
un his friend-for-life as well as
his biffel, a term with a meaning
that eludes the nation. While this
originally garnered negative pub-
licity for Rodman, culminating in
him being thrown out of a hotel for
claiming the North Korean dictator
was a really awesome guy, in the
last month Rodman has revealed
some stunning information.
He did this not through the
stealthy dissemination of informa-
tion that the CIA is known for, but
through blurting out secrets much
in the same way one accidentally
reveals pregnancies or affairs or
that Kim has a daughter who he
has been keeping a secret. In ad-
dition to this, Rodman appears
to have traded the knowledge he
used to once lead the league in re-
bounds for the names of the mer-
chants supplying North Korea with
ssile material.
Despite the oddly rapid declas-
sication of what has been dubbed
Operation Rebound Forward, as
well as the large amount of media
coverage regarding statements
made by Rodman, he and Kim still
appear to be biffels, and Rodman
has been appointed chief ambas-
sador to North Korea. He had the
following to say about the North
Korean situation: North Korea
isnt so different from other coun-
tries. Well of course he wants nu-
clear weapons, hes frightened by
everyone else having them. Hes
not really that bad of a guy, the
whole gulag thing was just a huge
misunderstanding, and Im not
apologizing for him because there
is nothing to apologize for. Hes a
really awesome guy who the world
just doesnt understand.
Rodman recommends that
President Barack Obama sit down
with Kim and bond over their mu-
tual enjoyment of basketball to
begin talks of peace. Rodman has
claimed this is all Kim wants in or-
der to forge a relationship between
the United States and North Korea.
Operation Rebound Forward
appears to be winding down
temporarily however, as Rodman
has rushed over to Vatican City
to hang out with the new pope in
what could possibly be an effort to
help solidify the sovereignty of the
Falkland Islands from Argentina
who does not currently acknowl-
edge the Falklands to be separate
from Argentina, or possibly to un-
cover secrets hidden away behind
the vaults of the Vatican. All that is
known at the moment is that Rod-
man plans to vacation with Kim
during the summer to solidify his
newly offered title of Supreme Min-
ister of Athletics and Sport.
CIA hires WormRamiro Rodriguez
Espionage Expert
Though the dragon just wanted to be friends with The Oredigger staff, as St. Martha
was with this Tarasque, its insufcient knowledge of human frailty caused the day to end
in tragedy.
COURTESY ST LORENZ CHURCH / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
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w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
Since his inception, Wolfra-
mAlpha, or Alpha for short, has
been a favorite professor among
students at the Colorado School
of Mines. Alpha has become a
go-to guy for solving tough de-
rivatives, plotting weird func-
tions, doing Laplace transforms,
and even doing simple arithme-
tic when TI-84 was not available
during her office hours. Im es-
pecially talented at computa-
tional knowledge, said Wolfra-
mAlpha.
Alpha was born May 18 , 2009
in Champaign, Illinois to his fa-
ther, Stephen Wolfram. His de-
sire to help people with compu-
tation was instilled in him before
he was born (using 16 million
lines of code). He went to school
by doing computation for the
world and continues to do so.
As he has gotten o lder and wis-
er, he has also become a men-tor, giving great advice on many
subjects.
WolframAlpha currently re-
sides on the internet, but does
not like to be treated as if I were
just a search engine. Despite hi s
Katerina Gonzales
Contempt Manager
Faculty Spotlight: WolframAlphaimmense power, Alpha keeps a
humble attitude. When asked if
he was better than Google, Al-
pha said, Give it a test drive and
let us know what you think! as
he wants students to decide for
themselves which is better in dif-
ferent situations.
Alpha is very dedicated to
students, and its easy to see
that he genuinely cares. So many
students have run crying to Al-
pha at 3 am., but calmly he dis-
perses his computational knowl-
edge. I do indeed care about
many things, most importantly
data, computation, and my us-
ers. You can explore my many
areas of interest by asking for
examples. When told how much
he means to the students, Alpha
replied, How nice. Be assured
the feeling is mutual. He does
understand that students get
frustrated and that he is not a fa-
vorite among all Mines students,
saying, Im so sorry. I like all
humans. (Even ones who dontlike me.)
When asked about his lesser-
liked but much older TA and sis-
ter, Alpha said, Mathematica is
an all-in-one computation and
visualization system, develop-
ment environment, and deploy-
ment engine. It is used across
diverse technical fields, including
engineering, science, and finan-
cial analysis.
Of course, even faculty need
their outlets and hobbies. I like
to explore the computational uni-
verse, Alpha said of his spare
time. His favorite color is orange
and he does know the muffin
man.COURTESY WOLFRAMALPHA
Student favorite, WolframAlpha, dedicated to student success while residing on the internet.
Ingredients:
1 frozen pepperoni pizza
3 pounds ground beef
head of lettuce
5 onions
2 cups of sour cream
2 tomatoes
3 cups of cheddar cheese
Directions:
1. Start by dicing all of the veg-
etables and set them aside.2. Follow the directions to heat
the frozen pizza. Why a frozen piz-
za? Why not a handmade pepperoni
pizza crafted with love and care from
quality ingredients? Lets face the
facts, if youre making a giant pizza
taco, then youre probably intoxi-
cated and cant handle that sort of
task or youve simply given up in all
aspects of life with your only solace
being this culinary monstrosity.
3. Anyway, brown the beef in a
skillet, one pound at a time.
4. Take the pizza out of the oven
and lay it on a table. Preferably a
clean table, but its a good guess
that you dont really care about your
personal health so it doesnt really
matter.
5. Place the ground beef in a line
down the center of the pizza, fol-
lowed by vegetables, sour cream,
and cheese.
There you go. Look at that. Just
look at that and contemplate your
existence. Just stare into the ooz-
ing pile of grease and cheese and
wonder what went wrong. I suppose
its too late now to ask for that cof-
fee date, isnt it? You know what will
ll the void created by that brief yet
ever present whimsical thought of
a happiness you have lost forever?
You can add bacon to the pizza
taco. Get a pound of bacon and fry
it up, after adding the pizza taco to
Fat free vegan Monster TacosRamiro Rodriguez
Staph Writerthe oven at 350 degrees to keep it
warm. This shouldnt take too long,
and you can either dice the bacon
or add it as is. You can also save
the bacon grease, as it can be used
to improve the taste of eggs as op-
posed to butter or conventional oils.
Ideally this could probably serve
six to eight people, but lets be re-
alistic and just say one. Just grab it
with both hands and go to town on
it while mindlessly ipping through
whatever is on television to dull the
pain of solitude for just another night,
or however long you plan to eat this
borderline eldritch dish.
COURTESY SODELICIO.US
Monster Tacos a delicious and light pre-workout snack.
At rst glance, The Very Hungry
Caterpillar by Eric Carle appears
to be simply an amusing tale for
children about the metamorphosis
of a caterpillar into a buttery by
means of beautiful, yet simple il-
lustrations. The whole setup makes
the process of reading fun for chil-
dren beginning to read and learningto count. However, this conceals a
rather different agenda that requires
closer inspection. Behind the thick
cardboard pages of the book is a
tool to indoctrinate children with the
tenants of our consumerist culture.
The story begins with the pro-
tagonist, the very hungry caterpil-
lar, engaging in the standard literary
plot of the heros quest as he ex-
plores his world in search of food to
sate his hunger. In this adventure,
the caterpillar begins to change
much in the way that caterpillars
do and goes into a cocoon, later
becoming a buttery. On the sur-
face, this is a simple story meant to
teach children about numbers, as
well as explain that there are cer-
tain creatures in this world that go
through stages of growth.
However, there is another, darker
meaning behind this story. Childrenare taught that they must consume
constantly in order to sate their
various hungers, whether they be
literal or representing the constant
want of consumer goods. The cat-
erpillar consumes and consumes
and consumes until he is tired, giv-
ing a vague hope that there is rest
from the innite desires that a capi-
talist market-driven world instills in
us if we just consume enough.
When the caterpillar emerges
from rest as a beautiful buttery, this
correlates with a message that if
someone consumes enough, they
too will be beautiful or fullled
or whatever meaningless promises
Madison Avenue wants to shill out
along with its overpriced wares.
Reviewers have spoken very
highly of the book and have said
that it is an amazing book for new
readers. Its few pages teach a sur-prisingly large number of things in a
mirthfully illustrated way, but that is
why The Very Hungry Caterpillar
is so sinister.
No longer are corporate mas-
ters satised with poisoning chil-
dren with lth, now they are after
them through education and instill-
ing the thought that reading should
still be an enjoyable and fullling
pastime activity.
The Very Hungry CaterpillarRamiro Rodriguez
Insect
Pas RSVP y Apr 12, 2013 mm.cm/c_
Youveestablishedstrong roots
ContinueYouRClimb
Join us for dinner as the alumnicommunity celebrates youraccomplishments and welcomes
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Frday, Apr 26, 20136:00 p.m. cck; 7:00 p.m.
Sd Rcra Crlck a, 16 & Mp s
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- t . :
-
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w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
That burger you had at E-Days is more
than just a meal; its the fuel that keeps
you going throughout the day. Just like
your daily caloric intake, The Mines Fund
fuels many of the tasty elements of your
education from Celebration of Mines to
E-Days and all 170 student organizations
in between.
Learn how THE MINES FUND hasmade a difference for you at
giving.mines.edu/students
THE MINES FUND FUELS YOUR EDUCATION
MORE THANA MEAL.
Easter eggs are a long-stand-
ing spring tradition, but have nev-
er been given their due as true
pieces of modern art. All that is
about to change, due to one ex-
ceptional artist. His years of prac-
tice in egg design have led to the
ultimate Easter egg experience,
one all art enthusiasts should
share and appreciate.
Easter egg master Thomas
Good has been decorating eggs
since the early 1960s. No ones
ever appreciated my talents be-
fore, though, he said. My dad
supported me, but I think he was
kind of scared of his own artis-
tic talents being challenged, so
we connected over baseball in-
stead.
In fact, hard as it now is tobelieve, none of Goods elemen-
tary school art
teachers even
believed his tal-
ent lay in their
eld.
W i t h o u t
needed sup-
port at an early
age, Good was
forced to pur-
sue his other
ambition, law.
Though he
hoped he would
eventually be able to affect a ca-
reer shift, the opportunity never
arose. However, Good never quit
practicing. Every year, I makethe most beautiful egg in all the
world, he said.
All these years of practice
have nally paid off, though, in
this years most beautiful egg
in all the world, denitively en-
titled The Egg. The Egg has
a unique orange-green-brown
coloration and is perfectly egg-
shaped and hard-boiled.
It is innovatively displayed on
a saucer with a fruit pattern, and
the juxtaposition of the masculine
egg surface with the feminine de-
The Egg a time-less masterpieceDeborah Good
Art Critic Extraordinaire
sign of ne china is a subversive
contrast.
The aesthetic value of The
Egg cannot be overstated; it is
truly a work of art. Indeed, it is so
beautiful that further words of de-
scription fail this reviewer. Noth-
ing more can be said that has not
already been said in artists own
words, It is the most beautiful
egg in all the world.
Good is understandably cau-
tious about revealing his secrets,
but he agreed to give The Ore-
digger an exclusive description
of the process. First, I have to do
a ceremonial dance. The whole
family forms a conga line, and we
sing Hiya, hiya, hiya, EGG! Hiya,
hiya, hiya, EGG! Then, Good
spends a few moments in quiet
concentration, preparing himself
for the great task that lies before
him.After I feel like Im ready,
Good said, I
go to the egg I
picked out be-
fore we started
dying eggs.
Then, I take
the egg dip-
per and put in
the rst color.
Good refused
to reveal the
order he places
the egg into its
colors, but was
willing to reveal that the six colors
he uses are red, orange, yellow,
green, blue, and a purple one he
insists on calling violet.After it has enough of the rst
color, I take it out and put it in the
next color. I repeat this until The
Egg has been in all the colors.
Then, and only then , is it the most
beautiful egg in all the world.
Goods strictly controlled
strategy is the result of years of
practice. Ive been creating The
Egg almost as long as Ive been
picking NCAA brackets, he said.
Luckily, unlike his perennially los-
ing brackets, his egg decorating
is perennial success.
The Egg a marvelous piece of modern art.
DEBORAH GOOD / OREDIGGER
Ive been creating The
Egg almost as long as Ive
been picking NCAA brack-
ets, he said. Luckily, un-
like his perennially losing
brackets, his egg decorat-
ing is perennial success.
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A tasty and wholesome meal
for every college student, a cup
of noodles is also extremely af-
fordable. Chicken avored Cup of
Noodles, or Instant Lunch, com-bines the great taste of chicken
with the noodles you already love
and three types of vegetables that
will stop moms of college students
from worrying about students
eating their vegetables. Whether
someone is about to do Physics,
MATLAB, or a math worksheet,
this meal can be made within three
and a half minutes, so the Mines
student can get back to work in a
timely manner.
Ingredients:
1 Cup of Noodles or Maruchan
Instant Lunch
8-10 oz. Water
Directions: Unwrap the foam
container from the cardboard and
plastic. Open the lid slightly as to
allow for a stream of water and
nothing more to enter the cup.
Fill the cup with tap water until it
is about 2 centimeters from the
lip. Put in the microwave. Close
the microwave door and press
Cook time on the microwavekeypad. Then press 3-0-0 for
three minutes, and nally press
Start, or do whatever it takes to
cook something for three minutes
on a microwave. Watch the cup
circle around the microwave for
three minutes. Twiddle thumbs.
Think about the homework that
will be done while eating the Cup
of Noodles. Wait two more min-
utes. Decide to go on Imgur to
pass the time. Forget about dinner
and come back ten minutes later.
Realize the noodles are done, but
cold. Cry. Stick the Cup of Noo-
dles back into the microwave for
one more minute. Take noodles
out, but leave lid slightly closed to
This underrated lm from well-
known Croatian director and pro-
ducer Vladislov Andreavich Titov
somehow managed to y under
the radar. The production quality of
Vlasic Park is simply phenomenal,
making its limited reputation hard to
believe. What makes this lm incred-
ibly noteworthy is the sheer original-
ity; it is difcult to draw comparisons
between it and any other movie ever
made.Set in the near future, Vlasic
Park chronicles the events sur-
rounding the discovery of a cucum-
ber fossil with a central nervous sys-
tem. In the lm, the CEO of GinEn
(a scientic conglomerate) seeks to
build an amusement park for this as-
tounding prehistoric revolution in sci-
ence. Only the best of the best were
invited to work for him on his private
island. The potential prots for this
park were extremely promising.
The DNA of the herbivorous cu-
cumber species is well preserved in
hardened tree sap. Using advanced
scientic technology, scientists ex-
tracted these genes and made a
genetic copy of the ancient fruit.
However, due to inconsistenciesin the cucumbers genome, slight
complications hindered the preser-
vation of the specimens. Once the
cucumbers were replicated, they
became unresponsive. Scientists
placed the specimens in vinegar,
brine, and garlic baths to induce
reactions to light and sound. Over
time, the cucumbers became more
sensitive to stimulus, but they also
became shriveled, sour, and pale in
color. With this transformation also
came a shift in the eating habits of
the prehistoric pickles. Because
the pickles were small, the scien-
tic team was not concerned with
any potential risk. The magnicent
creatures would still bring plenty of
revenue to the park.
However, things go awry when
a radioactive stork ies to the island
and begins to eat the pickles. Most of
the pickles survive, but they undergo
a series of dramatic transformations
as a result of the stork bites. All of the
pickles are affected differently; some
grow larger, some develop armor
plating, some the ability to y, and
others the ability to spit highly acidic
vinegar from their mouths. The staff
of what is now deemed Vlasic Park
handles the situation and foresees
increased prots from the exclusive
creatures on display. When a deadly
Vlasicraptor kills a staff member, the
CEO of GinEn brings a highly trained
team of professionals to the island to
examine the safety of the operation.
Vlasic Park begins to unravel
at the seams during the tour as a
Brineceratops gets sick, a pack of
Vlasicraptors gets loose, and the
ever-deadly Tyranokoshers Rex ter-
rorizes the entire park. Even worse,
a vinegar spitting Dillophosaurus
kills Newman. The team of special-ists and the park owners family are
thrown into an epic struggle for sur-
vival.
The lm is a unique and imagi-
native tearjerker, which makes it an
instant classic. The use of clayma-
tion is rst-rate; it is hard to tell that
the bloodthirsty mutant pickles are
created in a studio. Vlasic Park is
a movie for children and adults of all
ages, and raises the bar for the next
generation of science ction lms.
Evan Michael
Thomas Ford
A cinematic gem
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER
This instant classic is a unique and imaginative tearjerker
for children and adults of all ages.
Katerina Gonzales
Iron Chef Winner
keep the steam in the cup in order
to cook any noodles that are still
crunchy. Release lid. Grab fork,
eat, and enjoy.
This recipe makes one serving.
If the noodles are cooked for too
long, then they will become slimy,
so it is imperative to cook for onlyabout three minutes. While doing
Lon-Capa or other online home-
work while eating this meal, be
cautious as to not spill any broth
on laptop or in lap.
ALL PHOTOS KATERINA GONZALES / OREDIGGER
1
2 3
4
Step-by-step instant lunch for amateur chefs
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For years, professors at theColorado School of Mines havebeen working in secret to createthe worlds most coveted ctional
devicethe portal gun. This de-vice is the Holy Grail for geekseverywhere. As popularized inthe game Portal, this gun al-lows people to move between twoplaces without going through thearea in between. The user shootsa blue portal on one surface andan orange one on another. Whenhe walks through the blue portal,he emerges from the orange one.
This simple manipulation of spaceproved to be quite the engineer-
ing conundrum. Scientists all overthe world have tried to perfect thedevice since its debut in 2007, butonly recently have any been suc-cessful.
Several professors ran theirrst test of the device in early
March. Although the portals wereonly large enough to send anapple through them, this was anamazing milestone.
Its amazing, said JonathanDoe, who was one of only sevento witness the event. When Iplayed [the game Portal] I neverimagined that this technologycould actually exist.
Even Valve, the developer ofthe wildly popular game, was
surprised to see this result. Wenever expected anyone to takeour ctional world seriously, said
a spokeswoman, and to see that
our vision has become reality, well,
it is simply mind-blowing. Valvehas even offered Mines $1 millionto continue this research.
When asked exactly where hewould go next, head researcherDr. Tuyl said, I would love to makeit bigger. It was awesome to watchthat apple go through, but I haveto wonder what it would feel like.I want to experience it for myself.
To achieve that goal, the pro-fessors need all the help they canget. Just like in the game, theportal gun only works on surfacescoated in moon rock. Much to thedismay of the researchers, syn-thetic versions simply cannot sup-port the portals. The real resourceis so expensive that Valves grant
will only cover about a quarter ofthe amount the researchers re-quire.
However, this will not stop theprofessors. The portal gun hasinspired so many children to be-come scientists and engineers,said Dr. Rhode, another profes-sor working on the project. Couldyou imagine what the real onewould do?
The professors hope to per-fect the device within the next ve
years. They plan to mass-producethe device with the hope that itmay inspire more people to studyscience and engineering. Althoughboth Rhode and Tuyl believe thatthey have created a lofty goal,
they have faith that this device willspur the curiosity of the world andat least bring some people enter-tainment.
A new version
of reality
Emily McNair
Transporter
Bradley Wood
Fashionista
Famed actor Sylvester Stal-lone, known for his masculineroles such as Rocky and Rambo,changed the game this weekwhen he announced he was quit-ting the lm industry to become
a female pop-star. When ques-tioned about his motives for thechange Stallone said, I was tiredof people taking me seriously andwanted to change so I could goofaround all the time like LindsayLohan and Britney Spears. If I de-cide to shave my head spur of themoment or get arrested for beingon drugs, I would much rather bea pop star because my actionswould be forgiven. The actor alsoproudly announced that from this
day forth he shall be known simply
as Stella, aka the actor formerlyknown as Sly.
This sudden career move
was made possible by Dr. DatLong who made Stallones bodystrangely resemble the body ofCher. Long could not be reachedfor comment as he was too busygiving Pamela Anderson breastreduction surgery. For his miracu-lous achievements with Stallonesbody, Long won the Trinidad Soc-tor of Excellence award, in thecategory of making old actors looklike sexy women. Plus for makingher sexy again Stella gave Longa rather large bonus, in the form ofa Caribbean mansion.
When questioned about hernew career in music, Stella saidthat her rst album should drop
sometime next year with the rst
single being released later this
month. The title of said single isrumored to be, Boobies, I gotem now! Stella also spoke of a
possible guest appearance onKeshas next album. When Stellawas questioned about how thischange has affected her personallife, she said that it has not reallyaffected her life other than thefact that she goes to the mall a lotmore often and crashes her car ona regular basis.
Overall, the career moveseems to be working for Stellaand it could be just the thing thatshe needs to revitalize her career.Her net worth has increased sinceand she has been offered multiplemillion dollar recording contracts.In the end, this radical changeshould work out for Stella by giv-ing her a fullling career well into
the future.
Sylvestor Stallone tradesbombs for bombshells
Fans of the hit 1982 lm E.T.
the Extra-Terrestrial should be ex-cited to nd that there was a video
game adaptation for the Atari 2600also released in 1982. This gameis without a doubt one of the mostinuential in the history of video
games, as it completely altered themarket for such products.
In addition, it permanently al-tered the path of Atari, Inc., bysetting a rather high bar for video
games based on existing intellec-tual properties. This game has alsobeen immortalized in a memorialin Alamogordo, New Mexico, sothe video game industry will neverforget the story of the Atari 2600version of E.T., which is honestlybetter than the lm.
The game play in E.T. is rela-tively simple. You control the E.T.and guide him through six differentexciting zones based on locations
from the lm. E.T. is searching dif-ferent wells for three parts, needingto build an interplanetary telephoneso he can call home. After nd-ing the phone pieces, E.T. has tobe guided to an area from whichhe can call home to a mothershipthat will pick him up in the forestin which he was abandoned at thebeginning of the lm.
To add difculty to the game,
E.T. has an energy bar that de-pletes with various actions includ-ing walking, climbing wells, or tele-porting. Energy can be restored by
collecting Reeses Piecesjust likein the movie! If nine of these arecollected, Elliot will just hand you apiece of the phone. Furthermore,E.T. is being chased by FBI agentsand scientists who want to keephim from phoning home so theycan study him. After E.T. returnshome, the player receives pointsand the entire game starts over.
This i s done until E.T. runs out ofenergy points or the player decides
Ramiro Rodriguez
Extra-Terrestrial
COURTESY ATARI INC.
they have had enough rivetingmovie tie-in fun.
There is not much to say aboutE.T. for the Atari 2600 that hasnot already been said. Hardcoregamers and casual gamers alikewill enjoy the hours upon hours offun derived from falling into a pit tosearch for phone parts and candy.Fans of the lm will love the various
tie-ins to the movie. For example,there is an alien named E.T., he hasto phone home, there is somekid involved, Reeses Pieces, andrepetitive falling in and out of pits.
People who enjoy falling intopits to search for lost phones andoccasional pieces of candy willlove this accurate simulation ofdaily life and its struggles with call-ing home to the mothership so wecan be taken off of the Earth beforethe FBI catches us. E.T. for the At-ari 2600 gets ve Reeses Pieces
out of ve. Few other games can
match its peanut buttery good-ness.
E.T: The Extra Terrestrial a gripping adventure
Sylvestor Stallone is practicing for his upcoming role in Burlesque 2: First Bra.
STEVEN WOOLDRIDGE / OREDIGGER
People who enjoy falling into pits to search for lost phones and
occasional pieces of candy will love this accurate simulation.
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Creeks are often wet, contain-
ing water and rocks. Sometimes
even sh inhabit these owingbodies of water.
But far too often, no one takes
the time to sit down and listen tothe bubbling brooks and the whis-pers of the rolling waters, and un-derstandably so.
In fact, for the beginning por-tion of this interview, the answerswere mufed in the passing of thecrystal clear waves.
After hours of patience andthe careful placement of an ear,the secrets of Goldens own ClearCreek were nally exposed. Themurky ne grained sediments ofconfusion had settled to the bot-tom of understanding.
[Oredigger]: Why did you
choose to become a creek?
[Clear Creek]: Bubble, gurgle,bubble swoosh splish splash.Gurgle; slush drip drop swoosh...swoosh. Splish gurgle, bubbleslush.
Some people believe you
have a problem maintaining a
steady weight. For example,
you gain a lot in the spring,
and in late summer and early
fall youre running thin. What
do you have to say to these
people?
Sploosh! Bubble bubble, gur-gle swish splish splash swoosh,bubble gurgle. Gurglegurgle?
Bubble. Swish. Sploring melt-ofshsnowowwsh. (leaning incloser) Evaporatioosh. In the fall,waters hard to come by. Not myfault. Im here for the long run. I
just go with the ow.Address your violent food-
ing history, and anger prob-
lems. Is it true the City ofGolden placed you in an anger
management program?
Listen, whats done is done. Allthats probably in the ocean now. Iget in trouble because the City ofGolden put the library, re station,and police station in my immedi-ate oodplain.So once in a
while things getoverwhelming.Now my shore-lines are modi-ed and chockfull of drainagesystems, whichif you ask meis pretty darn
inconsiderate.I was here rstyou know.
What is
your favorite
thing about
Mines?
On sunnysummer days,I love tastingthe man-sweatof engineers
as they swim,tube, and divein my waters.However, al-gae and dead
sh are a closesecond to the
taste of en-gineer man-
sweat. TheE-Days Card-board boat
races might be even better. Thecombination of soggy cardboardand spray-on adhesive is simply
divine.Is it true that you can never
step in the same river twice?
Im a creek, how the shellshould I know? Get it, sediments,shells...
What is your DO content?
I dont smell that bad, do I?
Creek Week...Clear Creek, Tributary of the South Platte, 66 miles long
ofthe
Evan Michael
Thomas Ford
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER
Creek of the Week, Clear Creek, enjoys tasting the man-sweat of engineers as they swim, tube, and
dive in its waters.
Its been awhile since Ive gottena shower.
Who is your favorite super-
hero, and why?Not Aquaman. Next question.Do you have any advice for
Mines Students?
In this ethereal, cosmic danceof eeting transcendence andsurreptitious faades, be sure tonever lick the same squirrel twice.
Additionally, a bird in the hand isworth a penny earned. Dont for-get that you cant teach an old
book new covers. Always ght rewith bygones. Most importantly;drastic times call for chickens be-fore they hatch.
Excuse me?
I think someone just dumpedsome rancid bleach upstream,sorry.
Brand new from Aperture
Laboratories, the newest item tocome onto the market that every-one is exploding over is the Com-bustible Lemon.
To test out the Combustib leLemon and its slogan It will burnany house down, the ColoradoSchool of Mines used the lemonduring one of the many the phys-ics studio time periods on cam-
pus.
To activate the lemon, the usersimply pulls the pin and throws.
The physics studio burned downin a matter of seconds, 3.143
seconds to be exact.After the ames were quelled
and the damage was assessed,it was discovered that the entireLon-Capa system was also oblit-erated, removing Physics fromthe school.
Professor Rock Throw notedthat it will return, but after givinghim a lemon to play with, forgotall about this notion.
The Oredigger was able toget a hold of one of these fan-tastic devices and even get an
exclusive interview with one ofthe scientist behind its creation.
Aperture scientist Gary Baer satdown with The Oredigger to talkabout Apertures new invention.
[Oredigger]: Thank you for
meeting with us Mr. Baer. Now,
how did this product come to
Apertures Combustible Lemon a sour surpriseChase Tyree
Fruit Science Correspondentfruition?
[Baer]: Well, we were workingon the Borealis in the laboratorywhen suddenly our boss CaveJohnson stormed in, coughingand yelling at us to stop all tasksand take the lemons that lifesuddenly handed him and builda combustible lemon so that hemay burn their house down, withthe lemon.
Didnt you think this was a
strange request?
Are you serious? We are Ap-erture science! We were able tomake a gel to make you run fasteror bounce you high into the air.We are the ones who made man-tis people, Well not voluntarily,but we did! This project that Mr.Johnson is making us do is veryeasy. The only thing to consider ishow we can make it work.
So how does it work, if I
may ask?
Well, when you pull the pin,an Aperture Science Mini Portalopens on the inside of the lem -on. Another portal opens insideour innite universe mini nukegenerator that is constantly ex-ploding. Once opened, the userhas only .2151 seconds to throwthe lemon before the explosionis caught in the user side of theportal. From there, you can justwatch the beautiful reworks.
To buy your own combustiblelemon, you can go to the ofcial
Aperture Science Strategic Sell-ing Store located where the Black
Mesa facility used to be. Onewill run you $1,000, but it is wellworth it when you can take out
COURTESY HELLS PLUMBER PROPS / ETSY
your enemies with a lemon. Howfun does that sound?
With that, Baer pulled a small
device out of his pocket, clicked ittwice, then disappeared in a puffof fragrant yellow smoke.
Aperature Laboratories Combustible Lemon a sweet and sour explosive surprise.
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The Orediggers are on re,
and a sweep of New Mexico
Highlands has propelled them to
the No. 1 spot in the RMAC.The win streak is thought to be
due to either sophomore inelder
Shane Johnnys new faux-hawk
haircut, or the teams embrace-
ment of the schools nerdiness.
When asked about his strat-
egy, sophomore outelder Mark
Goldie said, I nally combined
my two loves, baseball and phys-
ics. Whenever Im up to bat,
some variation of Spidey Sense
takes over and I calculate the
second that will provide the most
linear momentum from the colli-
sion of my bat and the ball, along
with the effect of gravity and the
Coriolis effect. Ive been holding
late-night physics sessions for
the outelders to do projectilemotion problems in their head
instantaneously in order to get a
good lead.
Thursdays game got off to a
bizarre start. Freshman Christian
Rooney-Toon put down the Cow-
Opening day is the most won-
derful time of the year for baseball
fans where optimism ows and
hope appears where there was
none in the cold of winter. Every-
ones team wins the pennant, and
everyones favorite player wins
MVP. This makes it difcult to stay
grounded in reality when seeking
out analysis of how the season is
going to end.
However, now, using never-
before used high-tech statistical
analysis, mathematicians have
been able to determine with 98%
certainty how each division race
will end. (Spring training records
are as of 3/26/13.)
AL East: The Baltimore Orioles
have been red-hot in GrapefruitLeague spring training games,
leading with an 18-7 record, and
as a result should win the division.
AL Central: This might be the
The end of March brings along
with it the largest national basketball
tournament in the country and anemergence of chronic widespread
temporary insanity. Commonly re-
ferred to as March Madness, this dis-
ease sweeps through colleges and
workplaces during the end of March
and early April, then seems to disap-
pear once a school has claimed the
title of national champion. Although
a temporary disease, March Mad-
ness can have extreme effects, es-
pecially on the students at schools
involved in the tournament. Signs
and symptoms of March Madness
include wearing school colors, face
painting, excessive yelling in front of
a television, and furious research into
school tournament brackets.
The onset of the disease begins
in early March when teams qualify for
the tournament by winning games of
basketball and being selected by a
selection committee. While there has
not been a direct correlation found
between basketball and March
Madness disease, as basketball can
be played all year round, it appears
that the combination of basketball
and spring in the air brings about
the Madness. Once a team has
qualied for the tournament,
an overwhelming number
of cases of March Mad-
ness appear. Every year,
68 schools are infected in
mid-March, narrowed to
64 schools which will go
on to become bracketed
teams. Mines caught the
March Madness fever in
early March when intra-
mural sports opened up a
bracket competition, fueling
the Madness.
Brackets are distributed by
news sources and schools to
help spread March Madnes