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By Dorothy ZbornakGolden Girl

Dan Kimbrough, assistant professor of communications, is not the ferocious pirate everyone once thought.Gravy Beard More Sweet Than Saucy

MU is cucu for CocoFormer Tonight Show personality finds work at MU.By Captain BeefheartProtector of the Circulation Conan O’Brien or “Coco,” the nickname Tom Hanks playfully coined for the former late night host, will be joining the MU faculty starting in the fall 2010 semester. He will be an adjunct professor in the communications department. He will be teaching an elective course about the television business and will also work for MCN-TV 87, the MU television station, with Assistant Professor Dan Kimbrough. O’Brien has worked for NBC since 1993 hosting “The Tonight Show,” “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”

and writing for “Saturday Night Live.” He was even a writer for “The Simpsons,” a cartoon that most of us are familiar with, for a couple of years. He has quite the reputation as a late night funny man, measuring up to other late night hosts like Jay Leno and David Letterman. “I’ve had enough of the limelight,” said Coco. “At least for right now. I am more interested in teaching students about the dark side of show business. My students will be required to call me Darth Coco, and I will rule with an iron fist.” The former TV host

has been given many opportunities to work for other major networks, but O’Brien felt that he needed a change of scenery. That’s why he chose MU -- because he can still be involved with TV without any politics. “If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice with it,” said O’Brien. President MacDowell was the one that hooked O’Brien up with the new gig. “He gave me a call one day and said ‘Hey! I heard NBC left you out to dry. Want a job at my university?’ and I said,

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Aleesha Dupie hates her video class. Every Tuesday afternoon, her heart begins to race uncontrollably as she walks down the long staircase to Munson Lower Level. She often bites her lip upon entering the ML-16 classroom to distract her from the searing pain she will feel as class begins. “He’s just the worst,” said Dupie. “He makes it so that students are terrified of him. That way he has all the power.” Dupie is talking about feared assistant communications professor Dan “Gravy Beard”

Kimbrough. Gravy Beard was hired last year under the less incriminating name of “Dapper Dan.” Since then, his echoing bellow can be heard throughout campus, striking fear in the hearts of freshmen and seniors alike. “Gravy is really mean,” said freshman Ezekiel Bread. “He tears up all my papers when I hand them in, without any expression on his face. When I asked him why he did that, he just shrugs and walks away.” Students were so upset

with Gravy Beard’s teaching methods, they started a Facebook fan page titled, “Dan Says You’re Doing a Great Job,” in order to give students more hope in the classroom. “It’s actually pretty sad, but I’m a fan,” said Bread. “I just want to hear something nice from him. I know it’s not really him, but I’m just trying to get on with my life.” Though Gravy Beard’s reputation precedes him, students were surprised to hear strange rumors about the oft-irked prof. Dupie can recall a time

when she got lost in Dallas, Pa. while trying to find the nearest Apple store. “Gravy tells us all the time that we need to get a Mac or get kicked in the throat, so I went around looking for one,” she said. As Dupie and her friends drove aimlessly in town, they came across a big pink house with a familiar face on the mailbox. “It was a house dedicated to Hello Kitty,” said Dupie as she shook her head. “I thought it was neat and wanted to take a look inside.” Dupie was clearly unprepared for what she

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Danny boy criesProfessor upset his students did not attend his award ceremony.By Fluffy The Boss On Wednesday March 24, 2010, assistant professor of communications Dan Kimbrough was awarded the Times Leader’s “40 Under Forty” award that honored local professionals. Few people attended the event at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Plains. Junior Amanda Jamieson was among the communications majors who passed on Kimbrough’s invitation to the event, which he announced in class, posted on the portal and advertised on MCN 87—repeatedly. “You know, I would have gone. I really needed

the extra credit for my Journalism II class. But I will not support a man who consumes panda meat and refers to my voice as high-pitched and squeaky. I’m glad nobody came. Good for his tears. I hope he cried a crocodile river!” said Jamieson. During the ceremony, it was so obvious that he was devastated that even the bartender asked, “Oh, honey what can I do for you?” The bartender offered him a Shirley Temple with an extra cherry on top. Soon after, Kimbrough paced throughout the

casino hallways hoping to see one of his students. He was last spotted sitting at a slot machine looking forlorn. Communications department chair Melissa Sgroi said she was required to attend, and the university paid for her ticket. She said regardless of students’ personal feelings, they should have attended as a courtesy. “I cannot abide the lack of professionalism of our students. I mean, if I have to go, they should, too.” The next day Kimbrough’s mother was seen accompanying him

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He's bright orange and he loves lasagna,freshman casted for Jersey Shore Season 2, page 2

MARCH 30, 2010Hamilt nianThe

MISERICORDIA UNIVERSITY

Capt. Jack honored by MU, page 6

(cont. on page 7)

The words “I’m going to the Jersey Shore Man!” echoed throughout the third floor of McHale Hall. Freshman Dom ‘The Opportunity’ Dellos emerged from his room with his protein shake and fist-pumped his way down the hall. Dellos will be leaving behind his duties as ‘You Said It’ producer and will be joining the cast of the Jersey Shore for season two. Dellos was discovered fist pumping at the Woodlands Inn & Resort’s Club Evolution [Wilkes-Barre, Pa] by Jersey Shore cast member Pauly DelVecchio. DelVecchio was spinning his turn-tables and was impressed by Dello’s skills. “I knew it when I saw him [Dellos] that he’d fit right in. It’s [being apart of the Jersey Shore cast] a lifestyle. It’s being Italian. It’s representing family, friends, tanning, gel, everything. That kid [Dellos], I saw his heart when I saw him beating the beat up in that club,” said DelVecchio.

Dellos was then approached by DelVecchio to potentially join the cast in South Beach this summer for season two. “I was so flattered. After watching this past season, I knew I wanted to be there. They’re goodfellas,” said Dellos. He interviewed with MT-V and is now set to join the cast while they take South Breach by storm in August of 2010. Cast member Vinnie Gaudagnino is looking forward to some new ‘opportunities’ this season. “Guys with the blow-outs and the fake tans, and guys rocking their best Christian Audiger that’s what we’re looking for at South Beach. I’m amped to be fist-pumping it in Club Space with my boy Dellos,” said Gaudagnino. Dom is also excited to get to know his cast mates. “J-WOW [Jennifer Farley] will still be the party girl. Snooki [Nicole Polizi] is still hoping to find the man of her dreams. Mike ‘The Situation’ [Sorrentino] still has all the

situations under control,” said Dellos. “DJ Pauly D [DelVecchio] will still be doing his hair twice a day and sticking to the Jersey Shore routine of G.T.L. [Gym, Tan and Laundry]. Ronnie [Ortiz-Margo] on the other hand is trying to stay out of trouble this season, while his ex-girlfriend Sammi ‘Sweetheart’ [Giancola] is out breaking hearts. Me and Vinnie are planning to tear-up South Beach.,” said Dellos. Angelina Pivarnick left the cast of the Jersey Shore before the third episode of season one and is set to rejoin the cast in the season two. Pivarnick was asked to leave the show because after being terminated for her job at the local Seaside Heights t-shirt shop. “I’m kind of worried about bring Angelina back into the mix. In the words of ‘The Situation,” ‘Angelina was like half-hearted firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise.’ I’m not so sure about this,” said Dellos.

Friends of Dellos are not surprised about his new gig. “Dom has always been a guido and will fit right in with the cast,” said freshman Gia Mazur. “He will enjoy living with all the members of the cast and going to the various clubs with them in South Beach. Hopefully he will find a soul mate that will complete his fist pumping hand,” she said. Dellos will receive $10,000 per episode for his contribution to season two of the Jersey Shore. He will

begins filming in August and will be available for appearances at clubs, award ceremonies, and movie premiers after shooting. Dellos wants to keep his life simple before shooting. “I know my life is going to change real quick after this. I want to enjoy my life before I hit the shore,” said Dellos. “I’m a communications major, I like do great things, and so it’s going to be hard to leave. So please, no autographs until after shooting,” he said.

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Dellos finds 'opportunity' at Jersey ShoreMU student joins cast of Jersey Shore Season 2 in South Beach, Fla.By Lizzie Davis Jr.Not Sammie Davis Jr.

Club Black Top to open soonThe former commuter lounge will reopen in the fall as a new on-campus dance club.By Rob CostasSports Enthusiast Black Top has served a variety of purposes throughout the years at MU. It was once the lounge for Alumnae Hall and was used quite frequently as both a meeting and recreational space. The construction and remodeling of McGowan and Alumnae halls left the former Black Top lounge to be used as a commuter’s lounge and it is no longer being utilized to its full potential. Black Top Lounge barely has 40 visitors throughout the week. Gone are the days of study groups and movie watching. Gone are

the nights of club meetings and football watching. The new student recreational center located in Banks Student Life Center has drawn students away from using the Black Top Lounge. The MU administration has decided to change the lounge into the Blacktop Night Club in hope of keeping more students on campus during the weekend. “We want to give our students a safe place to go for entertainment. The club will be on campus and will eliminate the reason for traveling on busy highways at night. We hope

our students will get into less accidents,” said board member Ron Turk. Club Promoter Jorge “Showtime” Matthews sees this as a great opportunity for MU. “The club will be open Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. MU, Kings, Wilkes, Penn State-Wilkes-Barre students, and members of the surrounding community will have a new hot-spot for the weekends,” said Matthews. The club is set to begin next year, with a big bash to kick-off the new semester in September. Trey Songz, Drake, Ke$ha, Fabolous, Jay-z,

Nicki Minaj, Gym Class Heroes, Asher Roth, Tyga, Wiz Khalifa, Ludacris and Jason Derulo are all scheduled to be on the bill for the launch party. The festivities will begin at 9 p.m. on Friday, September 3. Headliner, Jay-z, is excited for this show. “I was down in Penn State in October and the fans were great. Everyone had a lot of positive feedback for me and my crew”, said Jay-Z. The club will feature DJs each month. Funk Master Flex, DJ Webstar, DJ 2o1, Cipha Sounds, DJ Kayslay, DJ Enuff, Swizz Beatz, DJ

(cont. on page 7)

Dom 'The Opportunity' Dellos chugs his Muscle Milk before starting his G.T.L. daily routine.

ELIZABETH DAVIS / HAMILTONIAN

We're Back!

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Quack Radio will relaunch on 90.7 after Easter Break!

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The Hamilitonian is the annual

April Fools edi-tion. All stories,

photographs, and advertisement

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expressed in the Hamilitonian in no way reflect those of Misericordia

University or the Sisters of Mercy.

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begins filming in August and will be available for appearances at clubs, award ceremonies, and movie premiers after shooting. Dellos wants to keep his life simple before shooting. “I know my life is going to change real quick after this. I want to enjoy my life before I hit the shore,” said Dellos. “I’m a communications major, I like do great things, and so it’s going to be hard to leave. So please, no autographs until after shooting,” he said.

highlandernews.netMARCH 30 2010 3highlandernews.net

Dellos finds 'opportunity' at Jersey ShoreMU student joins cast of Jersey Shore Season 2 in South Beach, Fla.

Cemetary terrorized by supposed mythical beast

Music industry hits CTL + ALT + DEL

Student claims to have spotted Big Foot in cemetary behind McHale hall.By 'The Opportunity' DellosFist-pumper to the max Reports from MU students and faculty indicate that a strange, unknown subject has been lurking around the cemetery behind McHale Hall in the past few weeks. Eye witnesses, along with some experts, are not ruling out that this could be the creature commonly referred to as “Big Foot.” According to three MU students, they are sure it is unlike anything they’ve ever seen on the animal planet, or read about in a science textbook. The possibilities have been ruled out, and the thought that it could have been a homeless man or a large mammal of some sort just don’t fit, according to the witnesses. They believe it has to be “Big Foot.” All three witnesses reported that the creature stood about eight to nine feet in height while walking upright on two legs, and was covered in hair or fur. “I saw it with my own four eyes,” said Shawn Carter, a sophomore and one of the three witnesses. “I took my glasses off, cleaned them, and after putting them back to my face, it was still there. I wasn’t seeing things.” According to Carter, it looked right at him while he was standing there motionless, and fiercely growled towards him. “I was straight shaken, man,” said freshman Larry Love, “That was by far the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. I had to change my underwear after the whole thing happened.” According to Love, silence saved his life. “I just stood there in shock,” said Love. I told myself that I had to get out of there, so I slowly crept away trying my best not to make a noise, and it worked.”Another witness was

curious enough to try and spy on the unusual creature. “I saw it, but I knew it didn’t see me,” said junior Mike Minaj. “I just wanted to see what it was doing, and it was feasting on a cat or some other animal.” Minaj feels fortunate that it wasn’t himself getting ripped apart by Big Foot’s giant teeth. “If that thing saw me, man, I wouldn’t have lived to see this day,” Minaj said. “It was the biggest, strongest thing I’ve ever seen, and when it’s that hungry, you might as well give up. It was pulling trees out of the ground like nothing.” Big Foot, also commonly referred to as Sasquatch, is an ape-like creature, weighing in excess of 500 lbs., and is a carnivore, meaning it can, and will, feast on humans if hungry enough, according to Scientologist and Big Foot expert, Dr. Keith Van Corn. Over the course of history, there have been claimed Big Foot sightings in the Pacific Northwest wilderness, and according to expert analyses by historian Dr. Richard

Foote, there is no limit to where Big Foot can be seen. “Big Foot can really call any part of the continent of North America its home, as it can survive in any climate or region,” says Foote. “The fact that there was a sighting in Northeast Pennsylvania is not impossible. Just because it hasn’t happened before doesn’t mean there cannot be a first time.” Big Foot is regarded as a mythical creature, and those who claim to have seen it may be deemed crazy or ridiculed by their peers for making up a false story. “It’s sad that people have to go through public humiliation for saying they saw ‘Big Foot,’” Foote says. “If I saw it, I would tell everybody I know, too. It’s an extraordinary feat.” However extraordinary it may be, it can also be dangerous. It is important to stay safe by keeping distance from the cemetery area. In case of another sighting, campus officials suggest calling campus security, in order to rid the beast from MU.

Senate passes bill to ban 'bad' acts.By Will 'Please stop the music' McHaleSorry Rihanna

Putting an iPod on shuffle can now cause students to be mixed up with the legal system. Under the Music Industry Recovery Act, or MIRA, a slew of popular musical acts, both past and present, were officially banned. The law was passed March 10, without any warning from the Senate. The distribution, reproduction, or playing of musical works by specific artists will be outlawed, and officials say they will waste no time cracking down on those caught engaging in the use of this prohibited music. The list of artists is extensive and the names may shock some. As of its latest revision, the list included the following acts: Nickelback, Miley Cyrus, Creed, Three Doors Down, Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z, Metallica, Avril Lavigne, Amy Winehouse, Slipknot and Taylor Swift, just to name a few. This already extensive directory of musical acts could grow even more if a proposed amendment to MIRA is passed, which will

automatically attach any artist whose work has been featured in any Guitar Hero or Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) video games, including arcade or at-home console versions, to the list. According to government officials, the musical artists on the list of outlawed material by the MIRA have been proven to have a negative impact on society, both musically and emotionally. “These so called artists have been taking advantage of uneducated civilians by trafficking their filth to the general public in disguise as ‘music.’ It is a heinous crime which should not be overlooked,” said Noise Pollution detective Grant Jenkins. Jenkins’ position of Noise Pollution is a recently formed position by the United States government. Jenkins’ duties include attending concerts, purchasing CDs and audio files, and going to high school dances on a hunt for music that is deemed as “garbage” and outlawed.

“Kids these days will listen to anything,” said Jenkins. “I’d rather put my electric shaver inside of a large steel bowl full of tacks and spare change and throw it down a flight of stairs repeatedly than listen to some of the artists that pop up on the iTunes store homepage.” Jenkins was also the official who proposed the amendment adding Guitar Hero and DDR featured artists to the list of “garbage.” When asked why bands featured in the popular game Rock Band escaped a similar fate, Jenkins simply responded, “Beause Rock Band is the one with the Beatles! For crying out loud!” This swift action by the United States government in collaboration with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) and record companies

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Dom 'The Opportunity' Dellos chugs his Muscle Milk before starting his G.T.L. daily routine.

Freshman Larry Love stands in the cemetary where Big Foot appeared to break a large limb from a tree.

DOM 'THE OPPORTUNITY' DELLOS / HAMILTONIAN

Danny boy, cont'd.continued from page 1to all of his classes and checking up on him to make sure he didn’t break down. Sgroi said she is worried about his state of mind. “You know, it’s a terribly sad state to see him in. But I guess if I consider how he is always saying that he has no emotional attachment to the students, and how it is cheaper to replace a student than a

broken camera, I suppose I can understand it.”

“I cannot abide the lack of professionalism of our students. I mean, if I have to go, they should, too.” -Melissa Sgroi, department chair

highlandernews.netMARCH 30, 2010 4

COUGAR SPORTSMen's basketball will face-off against LA Lakers

MU quacks for new mascot

Ducks will face-off against 2008-2009 NBA champions the Los Angeles Lakers during their spring 2011 season .By Rob CostasSports Enthusiast

The MU men’s basketball schedule has been released for the next season and will start with a non-conference basketball game in Los Angeles against the Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers decided to start their season early and compete in a preseason schedule against several college teams which includes North Carolina, Virginia Union, Oregon, Minnesota State, Randolph-Macon and Misericordia. The Ducks are ready to face the Lakers head on.

“They are going down, I can not wait to take the ball out of Kobe’s hands and take it down the court”, says junior guard Robbie Johnson. The returning team of Johnson, Jeff Slanovec, Sean Bieski, Joe Marra, Tyler White, Mark Leonard and Ethan Eichorst and also some incoming new players for the team really is boosting up the Ducks confidence. The Lakers are very intimidated going into this match up with the Ducks. Leading scorer on the team, Kobe Bryant, does not even think this is going to be

close. “This is going to be for us; they play a solid and strong offense and really do not look like they are going to let up at all,” said Bryant. The Lakers have a solid lineup, Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum lead the way for the Lake show with Jordan Farmar, Sasha Vujacic and Lamar Odom leading the play for the bench. Artest says of the Ducks, “Robbie Johnson and (Sean) Bieski really pose a big threat for us, Slanovec can pop out and

shoot it while the other guys on the squad really compliment each other. Well, I have no clue who I am going to guard.” The Ducks, lead by coach Woodruff, really are looking to get a good start to the season against the Lakers. “We are going to play them hard, play them like any other team and really are going to rebound, pass and execute like we would against any other teams.” Phil Jackson, coach of the Lakers, has a more subtle approach to the game. “We

really are not trying to do anything crazy because the one time we slip up, it will be their ball and they can score in a split second.” The Ducks start the 2010-11 season without three of their leaders, Marcus Little, Dom Del Prete and Mark Williams, but they are going into the season to face off one of the best basketball teams in the world, with the highest confidence any team can have.

Student vote prompts administration to change mascot from a cougar to a blue duck.By Emma BuntonBaby Spice MU’s current mascot, the cougar, will say goodbye to intimidating its opponents at the end of the spring semester. The mascot will change to a blue duck at the start in the fall. Faculty and students alike have been privately discussing their discomfort with the cougar mascot and the term’s association in modern slang. “It just doesn’t sit well,” said Dr. Frances Grimmond, Assistant Professor of Socioeconomics. “We always hear the snide comments from fans on the other bench at sporting events. It’s embarrassing.” The MU department of school spirit chose the cougar originally for its physical capabilities. Cougars are great jumpers and the fastest animals in North America. Cougars are impressive athletes that, more often than not, outrun their prey. School

Spirit faculty intended students and athletes to take heed from the cougar’s ferocity and emulate its action in the classroom and on the field. The past two decades have brought new meaning to the word cougar. According to the collegiate institution’s inhabitants, the cougar is an awkward and inappropriate mascot. Since the earliest slang use in 1999, “cougar” has come to mean an older woman who seeks younger men for the purpose of dating and intimate relationships. The term has developed a stigma over the years, making “cougar” an unwanted label by older, single women. This stigma has been overcome for the most part with women in that category taking pride in their lifestyle. The MU community is still wary of the direct association with a lifestyle choice that has

nothing to do with a college community. “When I go home on breaks and tell my high school friends about my college, they laugh whenever I say the Cougars,” said freshman Mike Calderi. “They ask me why I can’t find a nice girl my own age, and make other jokes. I would be so relieved if they changed the mascot.” The student body voted on Monday of last week to determine if the cougar mascot should be kept or changed. If students voted to change the mascot, the Department of School Spirit would be in charge of deciding on a new one. By the end of the week the votes were tallied and the verdict was in – MU needed a new mascot. “The students spoke, and quite frankly I’m glad they did. The faculty is just as

relieved with the change as the students,” said Sharon Friar, the Director of School Spirit and Head of the Mascot Committee. The process after this decision includes choosing a new mascot and working out a budget for changing all the paraphernalia and signs with the old one. “It’s really a huge undertaking. It’s no small project to change everything that says “Misericordia Cougars, or has the image of the cougar,” says Friar. “It helps to know that the community is really backing this decision, and grateful for the work we are doing.” The Mascot Committee

Students to call Anderson 'home sweet home'The incoming freshman class will be the largest class ever in MU history. Officials convert Anderson Sports & Health Center to a housing facility to accommodate the freshmen.By 'Big Ticket' BraithwaiteReporter

MU officials have come to a final decision on where the incoming 2010 freshman class will be living in the fall -- Anderson Sports and Health Center. Officials were forced to decide where the 2010 class would reside. Options included buying every property on Lake Street, building over one of three cemeteries, or using the library. “Changing Anderson will keep both the Dallas and Misericordia communities happy,” said one official. The decision was made this past weekend and received mostly negative reviews from MU students and staff. Officials say that they stand firmly by their decision. “We feel strongly about changing the

complex. This will make the campus more appealing to prospective students.” The main basketball court will have dividers assembled for double rooms, classrooms will be altered into five person rooms, the weight room will be refurbished into a student lounge, and the pool will be used as the laundry area. Mangelsdorf field will be converted to the Misericordia Outdoor Fitness Center. The 2010 fall semester will mark the first time in school history without a sports team. Officials say that they will offer coaching staff on campus positions, “every coach without employment will be offered a position as a residential advisor in the new hall.”(cont. on page 7)

'11 SchedulePreview

1/2/11: LA Lakers Away1/4/11: LA Clippers Away1/10/11: Moravian Home1/14/11: Kings College Away1/21/11: Wilkes Home

highlandernews.net highlandernews.netMARCH 30, 2010 5

Professor channels energy to predict the futureBy Beard MaidenWeb Knitter

Gravy Beard, cont'd.continued from page 1found next. The house looked pretty normal from the outside, she recalled, except for the Hello Kitty accessories. She knocked twice on the door. No answer. She stepped back on the porch and looked around cautiously. It was then she saw the familiar eyes peering back at her from behind a pink chiffon curtain. “I swore it was Gravy. I could see some semblance of evil in his eyes, but mostly he looked genuinely scared,” said Dupie. “I guess he didn’t recognize

me, because he opened the door and let me in.” Dupie said Gravy answered the door wrapped in a pink Hello Kitty afghan, his left hand holding a cup of hot cocoa. Gravy was also reportedly wearing felt Hello Kitty ears. “Yes? Do you want to buy Hello Kitty media equipment? Or just look at my pink Hello Kitty boots? Me-owww,” he said sweetly, nursing his cocoa. Dupie nearly fainted at the sight – she spun around and jumped back into her

car, and her tires squealed as she raced away from location. “Gravy loves Hello Kitty? How is that possible?” asked Bread, still reeling from the story. He and others cannot believe the occurrence, but Dupie wants to make everyone aware of Gravy’s sweeter side. In response to the rumors, Gravy decided to hold a press conference at MU to set the record straight. “I am a man who loves Hello Kitty,” he said, kitten

ears on his head. “I am not ashamed. I also love popcorn cake, befriending students on Facebook and the show ‘Jersey Shore.’ One of my students is set to appear on the show, and I couldn’t be more proud.” Dr. Melissa Sgroi, communications department chair, was appalled upon hearing the news. She brought her bat to the press conference in case a riot broke out, but didn’t have to use it after all. “Speechless. I am utterly speechless,” she said, her

adopted foreign exchange student, Beary Manilow Sgroi, in tow. Jimmy May, adjunct professor of communications, was vehemently against Gravy’s conference. May has been known to tote Pochacco cartoons, Hello Kitty’s puppy counterpart, around in his many camera cases. May does not hide his penchant for pups, as he usually displays many photos of his golden retriever in his photojournalism classes. “I have no official

comment, but I will say this – puppies are by far the better cute animal,” he said. Now that Gravy is no longer hiding his passion for all things Hello Kitty, students are encouraged to use the new cartoon-themed camera equipment located in Munson, which is also available at his media store, Kimby’s Hello Kitty Boutique. "But be careful with it," said Kimbrough. "It's delicate."

From national acclaim to football shame, the mighty predictor of futures great and small, belittler of gypsies, fortune cookies and palm readers, Kimbro-domus has been knocked down below Miss Cleo. It was the depress-ing forecast of the Colt’s winning victory brought popular telepath and soothsayer, Kimbrodomus aka Daniel Kimbrough, to a physic low. A once lucra-tive addition to his Hello Kitty Boutique, pirating efforts and teaching salary, Kimbrodomus was once paid in the millions for his fortunes. Reportedly John Mayer would pay $1,000 per word of mystical advice from Kimbrodomus, mostly on how to avoid rabid fans. Now quarterback Peyton Manning, once a close friend, no longer answers his calls. “It started with just a few pre-game predictions,

soon he’d call me about everything, where to go on vacation, what numbers to run in the lottery, what clothes to wear…” says Kimbrodomus. “Now I try to call and warn him about the upcoming rain that’ll ruin his commute… he won’t hear it!” Predicting the Colt’s Superbowl win was just the tip of the psychic FAIL-burg, Kimbrodomus had long predicted the rise of MU’s Cougar Radio to near epic proportions. The sta-tion is currently off the air because of their lack of a station to broadcast from, though he still predicts a meteoric rise by August 2010. Another lauded prophecy was that of the newest television station on MU campus Munson Cen-ter Network. The predic-tions that it would become “so hot” and “the greatest channel ever” have yet to reveal themselves.

Kimbrodomus will follow that prediction to its rise or fall while teaching on Misericordia campus. He’ll no longer banished from all psychic conventions, tarot parlors and foreseers par-ties. Still he cannot cease predicting, and has found himself lowered to newspa-per horoscopes. “My inner eye cannot stop seeing, the future, no… the truth must be revealed! No matter the format,” says Kimbrodomus. After much haggling, tears and a few impacted throats, Kimbrodomus acquired a position on staff as the resident horoscopist. In the crystal rumors ball there’s been talk that he and Miss Cleo, the popular late night physic and sha-man, have plans to stage a comeback together. Students who visit Kim-brodomus' office are tired of the heavy incense and dark Hello Kitty drapes.

Senior Man I. Megausted reports being unable to finding a seat amongst all the pirated booty. “The only chair was cov-ered in piles of Hello Kitty ears and decks of cards,” says Megausted. “I had to sit on a trunk of who knows what.” Students have also tired of Kimbrodomus crystal ball system to choosing courses. Freshman Micky couldn’t decide between Watercolor and Advanced Calculus, when Kimbrodomus asked him to pick a card. Micky pulled an Ace of Spades, to Kimbrodomus, this was a sign to take Advanced Calculus and Advanced Biochemistry. “We’ll see what’s in the cards….” says Kimbrou-domus, spreading a deck across his purple velvet desk. Pulling one out he exclaims, “Oh! Is this your card?”

Aries (March 21 - April 19)Punching a puppy will be the only way to get out the predicament you find yourself in this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)You might feel a bit bullheaded this week. And who’s fault is that? Yours. Don’t make me call the WAH-mbulance on you.Gemini (May 21- June 20)Twin stars behold! It’s a miracle you’ve remained so happy with that parasite on your shoulder.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)Twin stars behold! It’s a miracle you’ve remained so happy with that parasite on your shoulder.Leo (July 23- August 22)Dream big, dream.Virgo (August 23 - September 22)Cry all you want, no one can hear you complain once you’re trapped in the Munson Dungeon.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)Modulate your life to a better carrier and positive energy will be broadcasted your way.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)What stings worse than an “F” but not as painful as a scorpion? You’ll be finding out this week.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)It might be time to do away with any unnecessary para-sites in your life, off them like a panda!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)Look lively, study hard, and ask lots of questions as there’s sure to be a pop quiz this week… or is there?!

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)Wading through murky tests and notes all week, you’ll find the only real treasure comes in Saturday night.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)Swimming through classes can be tough. No one will be happier to see you graduate than your neighbors.

Kimbrodomus has inaccurately predicted several major events, but he is still trying with horoscopes.

highlandernews.netMARCH 30, 2010 6

‘Yeah.’” O’Brien has a background in academics, too. He is a graduate of Harvard. He actually got his degree in history, but is more than qualified to work for the communications department based on his prior work for television. “I cannot wait for Conan’s class next semester,” said Alyssa Higgens, junior. “He’s a bit icky and kind of an idiot, but I think he’s adorable. I can’t imagine his course to be that hard. Easy ‘A’ definitely.” Students seem to be excited about this course. This class will give students who are interested in a career in communications to see what it’s actually like the work for a network. This course is brand new to the university and will draw many new students to MU. Officials think this move might put the small campus on the map for its communications program. “Coco is the man,” said Korey Meharic, freshman. “Yeah, we’re pretty tight. We’re practically like best friends. We’re friends on Facebook. He hasn’t messaged me back yet but he has probably just been busy being jobless and all. Once he gets here well be chillin’ all the time.” Coco isn’t even here yet and he is already being accepted into the MU community. Just about every student on campus have seen one of Conan’s shows and are thrilled to soon have the

late night star among them. Some even feel like they already know him. It will be very easy for Conan to feel welcomed here. “I’m pretty excited to be a beaver, or squirrel, or whatever the mascot is at Misericordia,” says O’Brien. Coco and his family will be moving into the Dallas area this summer. Los Angeles, California (Conan’s current home) is quite different from Dallas, Pennsylvania. Los Angeles is one of the biggest cities in the United States and is packed with rich and famous celebrities. Dallas, not so much. Coco and his family want to move in a get settled into town before he starts work at the university. There will be a lot of buzz about Coco moving into the area. He is hoping that it will be short so he and his family can live somewhat peacefully in the Dallas area without the fear of crazed “I’m with Coco” fans stalking him all hours of the day and night. He is planning on getting a fence. “I’m going to come down on MU like a ton of lanky ginger bricks,” said Coco. Students will be able to sign up for Professor Coco’s Television Business class when they register for the fall semester. This class is undoubtedly going to fill up quick so those who are interested should apply for the course as soon as possible. Expect to see this giant Irish creature roaming the MU campus this fall.

Depp sets sail for MUThe College of Health Sciences will be renamed to the Johnny Depp Health Science Center. Depp plans to teach students the art of being a heartthrob during his weeklong course, Capt. Jack Sparrow 101.

By Katie 'Blarney Stone' O'Hearn'Tis Herself

Rose Haplin, the theatre department’s public representative, has managed to get a renowned actor to teach a week long course at MU. “I have always loved theatre and thought it would be a great idea to have a professional actor direct those interested in acting. It took a lot of careful planning and persuasion, but I feel confident the student body will be very pleased with my choice.” So who is the celebrity that will have MU star struck in the fall? None other than the twisted, yet handsome, Johnny Depp. Depp is volunteering his time to teach, with MU recognizing his great attribution to the university by dedicating the Health Sciences Building to Depp. It will now to be called The Johnny Depp Health Science Center. Although Depp was unavailable for an interview, his agent passed along his enthusiasm. “Johnny wasn’t always famous, and he is looking forward to teaching college students interested in making acting a career some of his trade secrets, quirks and inside tips.” Depp is known for portraying several beloved characters, the most recent including the peculiar yet loveable Captain Jack Sparrow, the insane and sympathetic Mad Hatter, and the infamous gangster John Dillinger. “What people love about Johnny Depp is that he captures the spirit of a

variety of characters, and makes you love each one of them by the end of a movie,” Depp’s agent explained. His agent also said that Depp plans on teaching students how to portray a different character each of his five days instructing at MU. Such characters include the heartthrob, the bad guy, and the eccentric character that has helped fuel Depp’s own success. Theatre majors with the inside scoop can barely contain their enthusiasm. Cera Thompson, a junior theatre major and communications minor, views this as a means to attain her dream of becoming an actress. “As a theatre major, I know how cutthroat the acting industry is. For Misericordia to give us the advantage to learn from someone as talented and successful as Johnny Depp is the opportunity of a lifetime.” Mandy Mullen, a senior occupational therapy major and member of the Misericordia Players, can think of nothing else than learning from Depp. “Not only is he one of the best actors of all time, but he is so good looking,” she gushes. “Getting his response to our acting styles will definitely let us know if we have what it takes to make it in the acting world.” Adam Lynch is graduating this year, and at first was extremely irritated that he had missed out on such a great opportunity to learn from the best. Fortunately for Lynch, Depp is offering

the same course on Friday night, and Saturday and Sunday during the day for alumni. “It’s just unbelievable that he is going out of his way to include the entire Misericordia student body. I won’t have to regret the fact that I missed learning valuable information from Depp,” Lynch said. Student response is already overwhelming, so if interested be sure to stop by the registrar’s office to add The Craft of Capturing the Character, course 418, section 01. For current students, the class will be held in Lemmond Theatre Monday, October 25 through Friday, October 29, from 12 to 2 p.m. For alumni, Depp is offering the same class Friday, October 29 from 5 to 8 p.m., and Saturday and Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

In order to register for the class students must either be a theatre or communications major or be a member of the Misericordia Players. “We are expecting a large student response so make sure to register as soon as possible,” Haplin encourages. She hopes that if the program is a success to make it an annual event. She has already begun contacting the agents of celebrities such as: Meryl Strep, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston and Taylor Lautner. “Hopefully, the program will be a success and Mr. Depp will encourage others in his profession to volunteer to teach a class. Misericordia looks forward to welcoming Depp to campus during the fall!”

continued from page 1

Johnny Depp lies infront of his new classroom lo-cated in the Lemmond Theater as he awaits students for his newest class to be called into session.

ELIZABETH DAVIS / HAMILTONIAN

Conan, cont'd.

Conan O'Brien merchandise will be available in the MU Bookstore on 'Darth Coco' arrives.

highlandernews.netMARCH 30, 2010 7highlandernews.net 6

Blacktop Club, cont'd.Camilo and David Guetta are slated to spin their turn-tables. “I can not wait to get up there and show Northeastern Pennsylvania what has been missing in the club scene,. I’m going to really put on a show.” says Beatz. MU admission ambassadors have stated the enrollment numbers are dramatically up from last year. “I can’t believe it. I have never seen this many applicants before in my entire career,” said Ocho Cinco, admissions counselor. Transfer applicants has sky-rocketed to 36,000 applications.” I scheduled all of my classes on Monday through Thursday. I can simply go to the club and dance all weekend. We definitely didn’t have a club at my old school. Plus, the PT program is really good here,” said incoming transfer from the University of North Carolina, Kevin Peterson. The move is a very daring and bold move to do for a

university, but it is taking strict and hard rules are being enforced. No alcohol, weapons or drugs are permitted in the club. The Shut-Down security group is set to head security. MU is installing metal detectors at the entrance of the club. “We really want our students to have a fun time and really have a great experience here at campus on the weekend, we are stressing a safe,fun time for all of the Misericordia and

NEPA faithful.”, said MU entertainment committee member, Julie Feist. Admission to Blacktop Club is 10 dollars for MU students and 15 for non-MU attendees. The first song slated to be played at the premier is yet to be decided, but with the large amounts of Lil’ Wayne’s group ‘Young Money’ to be attending, Lil Wayne may make an appearance himself and perform the hit single ‘Bedrock’.

late night star among them. Some even feel like they already know him. It will be very easy for Conan to feel welcomed here. “I’m pretty excited to be a beaver, or squirrel, or whatever the mascot is at Misericordia,” says O’Brien. Coco and his family will be moving into the Dallas area this summer. Los Angeles, California (Conan’s current home) is quite different from Dallas, Pennsylvania. Los Angeles is one of the biggest cities in the United States and is packed with rich and famous celebrities. Dallas, not so much. Coco and his family want to move in a get settled into town before he starts work at the university. There will be a lot of buzz about Coco moving into the area. He is hoping that it will be short so he and his family can live somewhat peacefully in the Dallas area without the fear of crazed “I’m with Coco” fans stalking him all hours of the day and night. He is planning on getting a fence. “I’m going to come down on MU like a ton of lanky ginger bricks,” said Coco. Students will be able to sign up for Professor Coco’s Television Business class when they register for the fall semester. This class is undoubtedly going to fill up quick so those who are interested should apply for the course as soon as possible. Expect to see this giant Irish creature roaming the MU campus this fall.

MU quacks, cont'd.gathered on Friday to discuss a course of action for disbanding all images of the cougar and to decide on a new mascot. Possible options include a brown bear, a crocodile (not chosen because of a possible shortening to “croc”, unanimously designated as the worst fashion statement of the century), a unicorn, and a duck. The committee chose the duck because of its fast swimming, loud “quack”,

and versatility as a land and water dweller. The duck will be blue with a yellow beak, incorporating MU colors. Students are being asked for suggestions to name the duck, and they can be submitted throughout next week in the lobby of Banks Student Center. “I just hope we can move past all this,” said junior Mary Kersale. “I’m looking forward to not having to be called a ‘cougar’ sarcastically anymore.” She

hopes that the name-calling will subside when she goes home next semester with a new sweatshirt featuring the MU Blue Duck. Retirement services for the cougar mascot will be held in the Walsh Auditorium the on Thursday May 6 at 8 PM. Students and faculty are encouraged to come with their condolences and any memory they would like to share about the cougar.

continued from page 2 continued from page 4

ELIZABETH DAVIS / HAMILTONIAN

DJ Wannamie spins at Woodslands Inn & Resort's Club Evolution during an audition for a permant position at the club inside the Blacktop Lounge

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Conan, cont'd. Music industry, cont'd.continued from page 3nationwide has caused a tremendous uproar in the general public. A riot ensued at a high school wrestling match in Andover, Minnesota when government officials made an arrest of 12 students with ages ranging from 15 to 18 years. Local police and a Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) team at the scene reported that the students had entered the wrestling match listening to a warm up CD that included banned tracks such as “Down With the Sickness” by Disturbed and “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit. The arrested students are being faced with expulsion and up to two years of juvenile detention on the charges of “spreading unacceptable filth to the public.” The music industry has also begun voicing its opinion on the issue. Lady Gaga kept an optimistic view of her situation and gave a word of advice to her fans and the other artists affected by MIRA. “Just dance; it’s gonna be okay,” said Gaga. Other artists were not so well composed. In a recent public interview, front man Will I Am of the Black Eyed Peas had nothing short of a nervous breakdown when asked where he would be in years time if he was still banned from the music industry. “I’ma be, I’ma be, I’ma I’ma I’ma be,” stuttered Am in an obvious flood of emotion and despair. As of March 19, the list of banned musical acts contains roughly 825 artists, but that number is rapidly growing as investigations continue. An updated list can be located at www.stopthehearingdamage.gov

highlandernews.netMARCH 30, 20108

YOUR LAST SHOT

The photographer, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retalia-tion of known peef eater, Gravy Beard snapped this photo of the members of PETP gathered in Gravy Beard's office avenging their fallen comrades.

SUBMIT YOUR OWN PHOTOS

PEEF: It's not for

dinner!

Every 30 seconds, six panda cubs are smug-gled into the country to be raised for peef.

Peef is panda meat which is sold at whole food stores in the Heights section of Wilkes-Barre.

Please be alert for persons eating and/or consuming peef on campus and contact PETP [People for the Ethical Treatment of Pandas] immediately.

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