the honest toddler: a child's guide to parenting by bunmi laditan
TRANSCRIPT
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Contents
Introduction 1
Chapter 1: Why Did You Do Tat?: Te Ins and Outs o
oddler Behavior and How to Leave It Alone 3
Chapter 2: Parenting rom the Heart: Ignoring Outside
Inuences 29
Chapter 3: oddler-Approved Recipes 47
Chapter 4: Food-Shopping Guide: What We DO and DON
Need 65
Chapter 5: Sleep: Weaning Yoursel O It 75
Chapter 6: Distractions and Personal Interests: Letting Tem Go 93
Chapter 7: Grooming, Dressing, and General Hygiene: How to
Keep Your Hands to Yoursel 101
Chapter 8: Books, elevision, and Games: Understanding and
Spending Real Money on oddler Entertainment 113
Chapter 9: Special Occasions: Making Tem Magical or Your
Sweet Angel 135
Chapter 10: Pets: Helping Your oddler Love Tem ight 151
Chapter 11: More ips or Eective and Brie Communication
with Your oddler 161
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CONTENTS
Chapter 12: Car Etiquette (and Places to Avoid Visiting) 171
Chapter 13: Breakdown o Popular oddler rends, rom Amber
Necklaces to Jeggings, and Why You Should Avoid Tem 183
Chapter 14: Green Snot: How to reat Your oddlers Illnesses 195
Chapter 15: Te Long Hello: Birth 201
Chapter 16: Good imes: Vacationing with Your oddler 207
Chapter 17: Parents and Teir Dangerous Vices: Learning
Sel-Control 213
Chapter 18: Potty raining Simplied/Eliminated 231
Conclusion: Youve Come a Long Way 237
Aferword by Bunmi Laditan 239
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Introduction
Name: Honest oddler.
Status: Not potty trained, not trying.
Age: Tis many.
Likes: Cake, running, shows, games, and red drink.
Dislikes: Naps, bedtime, unsolicited eye contact, quinoa, pants,
and all orms o discipline.
I you are holding this book in your hand, whether you bought it
with money or just picked it up and ran to the car, youve made a
good choice. oddlers are misunderstood and the one in your lie
is probably disappointed in you. Read this book i you want to get
better at what should be your number one priority: making your
small child happy.Dont skip pages, this isnt a bedtime story (yeah, we know)
but a manual that will revolutionize your lie. Youre welcome in
advance.
P.S. Grandmas: Youre doing great. Keep it up. (Love you.)
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1Why Did You Do That?:
The Ins and Outs of Toddler Behavior
and How to Leave It Alone
Listening ears, gentle hands, inside voices. I youre an adult, youveprobably used these terms three to our hundred times in the last
ten minutes. Question: Do you know what minding your busi-
ness means? It means letting your childs spirit remain ree. Your
number one responsibility as a volunteer caregiver is to keep the
unbroken crackers and ull-strength juice coming. Rather than try-
ing to x your blessing, you should try to understand your sweet
babys behavior so that you can provide more attentive customerservice. Tis chapter is dedicated to helping you become a better
unpaid intern to your toddler.
Tantrums
Teres a very dirty word that is commonly used to describe the
mild outbursts o emotion that toddlers display rom time to time.Tat word is ANRUM. Not only is this descriptor condescend-
ing, it releases the party responsible (you) or said tantrum.
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THE HONEST TODDLER
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Wrong: Oh, Mayas just throwing a tantrum. Lets stand here with
arms olded like despots and wait or it to pass.
Right: Maya is lying on her back in this crowded restaurant,
screaming and trying to kick everyone within roundhouse distance.
I wonder how I ailed her?
Do you see how language creates toddler bias? From now on,
well be throwing the word tantrum in the metaphorical outside
trash and replacing it with loud response.Last week I shared a loud response in our local Linens n Tings.
Dont be conused by the name o this retail outlet. Tere are no
Tings. Just Linens. Afer orty-six hours o wandering this textile
purgatory, I elt a volcano erupt in my middle back. Te last thing I
remember is trying to rip an Egyptian-cotton duvet with my teeth
and releasing my bowels on a couple o crushed-velvet throw pil-
lows beore running or my lie. My behavior was a response, nota random occurrence.
Parents, i you wish to gain the respect o your toddler, the rst
thing you need to do is own your mistakes. For instance, i my par-
ents and I had been at the toy store eating delicious and nutritious
ice-cream sundaes, like Id asked, we could have spent the money
that went toward those pee-pee pillows on the new toys I desper-
ately need. Do you see?Research: Go out into the eld and observe loud responses
rsthand in order to get a sense o why and how they occur. A pop-
ular place or scouting is the grocery store between our and ve
thirtyP.M. While youre most likely to nd an outburst occurring
in nearly every aisle, or the best lessons, visit the cereal/snack/chip
lane. Te market is a land mine or parent/toddler conict due to
overuse o the dirty word NO. Also, most people dont realizethis, but green vegetables emit a eld o negative energy that con-
tributes to the sadness and rage children eel while ood shopping.
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Why Did You Do That?
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Combine these actors with post-nap conusion, coupled with a
literal wall o delicious but unavailable rened carbohydrates, and
yes, you guessed it: loud response.Right now youre asking yoursel, Wait a minute, why dont
these parents just open a box o Ritz crackers right in the grocery
store so their child will be happy? Whats wrong with that?
Nothing. Teres nothing wrong with that. It is only the stub-
bornness o adults that prevents them rom tearing apart a box o
cereal at both ends so their child might have the strength to make
it through the late afernoon.Tey say pride comes beore a all. In this case, it comes beore
loud and, honestly, quite impressive responses on behal o tod-
dlers around the world. Parents, dont ool yourselves. Loud
responses cannot be prevented by inCARceration. Its airly easy
or an experienced toddler to erupt in emotional pain and low
blood sugarueled angst while secured in the ront hal o a shop-
ping cart. Our arms are ree to slap. Our eet can still connect withyour kneecaps. Our heads can roll around in gure-eight orma-
tion while we release screams so gut-wrenching that strangers cor-
rectly assume youre doing it all wrong.
Te only solution is to open the Goldsh, yogurt (eating yogurt
with hands is okay), or amily-sized package o licorice right then
and there. Te evil voices in your head might be whispering things
like Dont give in, dont cave. Silence the chatter and bring yourawareness to the present. And buypresents. Buy them or your
toddler. Shower him with ood gifs.
One o my avorite loud responses to watch is the one that takes
place when a parent tries to prematurely remove a child rom the
park. Everyone knows that we have an obesity epidemic on our
hands, so why not let your budding athlete exercise until afer
the sun has gone down and the prime-time television lineup hasbegun (thats the real reason youre going home, isnt it?). I admire
children who literally go the extra mile by engaging their parents
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THE HONEST TODDLER
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in a mad chase around the play structure to prevent the scoop n
go. In my mind, I scream Run, Forrest, run! as Mom or Dad tries
desperately to catch their sprinting young gazelle. Its a beautiulthing.
Outbursts are not to be eared. Teyre to be prevented, and
only you have the power to do that. Te next time you think about
walking out o Starbucks with a grande nonat extra-hot hazelnut
mocha or yoursel and no giant chocolate-chip cookie or your
patient cherubesque darling, consider the consequences. Are you
ready or a throwdown? Because we are.Note: Loud responses are between you and your child. ak-
ing photos or Facebook or discussing them with other parents
is unnecessary and a violation o privacy laws. Bringing up a loud
response long afer it has occurred is emotional abuse. Once the
squall has passed, wipe the sweat o your ace and move on.
Homework: Go to the grocery store with your child at five
thirty P.M. When the loud response starts, scream, EVERYONE
SHUT UP, I NEED TO HELP MY CHILD. Then open four large
bags of chips and a juice box. Let your child feast.
Deadweight/Going Boneless
Adults, do you enjoy running errands? Tats antastic. Go on your
own time. Tere isnt a toddler in the world who wants to accom-
pany you on a thirty-six-store whirlwind o boring. Te worst part
about running errands is that actual running is discouraged. And
were never rushing out to pick up Popsicles or glow sticks; its
mostly dry cleaning and cupboard liners.You already know that loud responses are your ault. Tere is
another toddler phenomenon that you bring upon yoursel. Dead-
weight, otherwise known as Going Boneless, is when your toddler
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Why Did You Do That?
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opens a valve within his or her brain that converts hard bone miner-
als into bubble gum and increases body weight by 70 to 80 percent.
Activating deadweight is very simple. Every toddler has hisunique style, but I preer a straightorward approach.
How It Starts
1. Slow motion: Your toddler will begin walking as i each step is
physically painul. I like to thrust my shoulders orward, caus-
ing my knuckles to graze the ground.
2. Verbal indicators: Im tired. I cant walk. Did you hear that?You are now at a crossroads. Smart parents will immediately
pick up their toddler and nd the nearest Cinnabon. Stubborn
parents will soon be humiliated in public. Saying things like
Cmon, lets go, were almost there eels like a slap in the ace
to the child, who you say means something to you.
BAM! Itll be sudden. Youll look back and spot your child onthe ground. First, youll be shocked; your eyes will dart around to
see i anyone is watching. Oh, trust me, they are.
I love the way parents always try to act like they cant believe
what theyre seeing. What? My otherwise obedient child is lying
on the sidewalk like a discarded yer? Heavens, no! LOL, youre
not ooling anybody.
ime to make it right.
Heres What NOT to Do:
DO NOT try to pull your innocent child up by one arm unless
youve been dying to visit your local emergency room and
explain to the nurses why babys arm is dislocated. You like jail?
DO NOT contort your ace like a Disney witch and angry-whisper in your childs ear. You look unnier than you could
ever imagine. But nobodys laughing.
DO NOT make wild threats, because you sound crazy.
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THE HONEST TODDLER
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When toddlers Go Boneless, they cant hear the world around
them. Only harps and angels. And the angels are saying, Stay down,
baby, stay down. Dont bother making ice-cream promises. Its toolate or that. Te only solution is to airlif your toddler out. Your child
is no longer capable o using her muscles. You broke them when you
broke her trust. Be sure to support your toddlers opping head.
Remember: Tis is your doing.
Homework: (1) Practice running errands online. (2) Next time
youre out of the house and your childs legs stop working,
immediately rush to his side and pick him up. If you have too
many bags to hold or a stroller, leave everything in the street.
Listening Ears
I youve ever asked a child in your care to put on his or her listen-
ing ears, this section is or you. Even i your intentions are pure and
you need your toddlers attention or the purpose o asking what
type o cake to prepare or lunch, its time to throw this insipid
term out the car window.
Beore writing this chapter, I interviewed a prominent pediatri-
cian. Afer she was done poking at my bare stomach (lawsuit pend-ing), she revealed to me that listening ears do not exist. You might
eel like a ool. Tis is normal. Forgive yoursel and keep reading.
Lets get to the heart o the matter. When you ask your toddler
to put on ake ears, what youre really trying to say is LISEN
O ME RIGH NOW. Surprise! Your toddler hears you. He or
she is just practicing what we in the toddler world call selective
acknowledgment.Your child probably does not have a hearing problem. Teres
no need to snap your ngers close to your kids ears and watch or
corresponding blinks. We can hear you; we are just not interested.
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Why Did You Do That?
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Allow me to set the scene: Youre in the kitchen sweeping up
nothing and decide your child is having too much un in another
room without you. Loneliness hits you in the ace, and you beginto yell your toddlers name over and over like some kind o enti-
tled oghorn. Nothing happens, so you morph into Quasimodo
rom Te Hunchback o Notre-Dame and storm into the amily
room, where your child is building the most beautiul block city-
scape the world has ever seen. Standing ve eet away rom your
uture award-winning architect, you loudly say his name over and
over. Anger rises in your rail body when your toddler doesnt eveninch. You suddenly realize how annoying you sound and walk
away.*
Wrong Question: Why is it that my child seems to block out my
voice?
Right Question: What am I saying that is so ofensive/irrelevantthat my child has no choice but to ignore me?
Tere are our conversation topics that will always cause you
to be on the receiving end o selective acknowledgment. I being
heard is important to you, avoid these topics. Lie is so easy.
Four No-No Convos1. Meal Calls
Noah, its time to eat more quinoa or sh larvaewho knows,
because they look exactly the same. ali, wash your hands or
lunch, even though these shrimp tacos will probably cause you
more physical harm than germs will.
I the breakast, lunch, or dinner youve prepared smells good
enough, you wont need to bark an announcement. Selectiveacknowledgment is a cue that you need to throw away the stued
*oddler-approved ending.
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THE HONEST TODDLER
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cabbage (why?) and dial 1800 Plain Cheese Pizza. Do not expect
your toddler to come running or a casserole that looks like a waste
o cheese and smells like a bouquet o resentment. Say it with me:toast.
2. General Check-ins
Felix, what are you doing in there? Felix? Felix!? Stephen, your
silence indicates that youve ound something interesting to do.
Please conrm or deny, because I say so.
You sound so needy, you have no idea. I you, the adult, ndyoursel in a room dierent rom your child, it is your responsibil-
ity to check to make sure all is well. During their rounds, prison
guards go rom cell to cell. Te inmates arent required to scream
verbal assurances all day while their captors browse Pinterest or
wine-cork crafs. ake the .01-mile stroll. Bring a water bottle i the
distance proves too taxing.*
3. Formalities and Greetings
Robert, come say hi to Aunt Betty on the phone. Your riends
are leaving your birthday party, Rebecca, come say goodbye!
What? No. Just no. Tese people will survive without a orced
smile, wave, or salutation. oddlers know that adults spend 80 per-
cent o their lives pretending to care about people who matter very
little to them (Facebook), and were committed to avoiding a sim-ilar ate. I you wish to extend words o ake kindness to a person,
do so, but dont expect your toddler to look up.
4. Transitions
Hey, Isabella, drop everything and break the concentration youve
built up since orever. ime to try something new and probably
undesirable. Teres nothing a toddler hates more than the next
*So lazy.
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Why Did You Do That?
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thing. I your end goal is to change tasks, even i its rom gluing
beans on a piece o paper to gluing pinwheel pasta on a piece o
paper, please prepare yoursel or, at best, selective acknowledg-ment or, at worst, a loud response.
When you notice your special toddler engaging in selective
acknowledgment, get excited, because it means she is most likely
very gifed. You may be tempted to put a hand on your childs
shoulder or do an upper-arm grab to get her attention, but really,
thats bordering on assault. I assault is part o who you want to be,
by all means.Teres even more good news. Selective acknowledgment has a
partner skill known as hyperawareness. I can hear someone open
a bag o chips through seven solid brick walls in the middle o a
thunderstorm while sleeping. Please hold your applause.
Important note: You may have noticed an extension o selec-
tive acknowledgment called the blank stare. Savvy toddlers use
the blank stare as a way o letting you know that they are notconnecting with your inormation or that they have temporar-
ily abandoned present reality or a more entertaining dimension
within their psyches. I blank-stare at least three to ve times a
day. It DOES NO help to crouch three inches rom your childs
ace and repeat your query ad nauseam. I your childs eyes are
glassy and her mouth is slightly agape, know that you are very
important and your message will be answered in the order it wasreceived.
Inside Voices vs. Outside Voices
Outside voices win. Te end.
Homework: Stop acting like you know everything.
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Copyright 2013 by Olubunmi Laditan
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