“the how of tough conversations” - pmi-mn.org how of...people misinterpret, overreact, are...

“The How of Tough Conversations”

Carolien Moors MScHardTalk Biz Coaching

Candor. Accountability. Change.

Ever feel like this? You’re in the right room!

Why this topic?

• A team member appears dominant or does not pull his weight

• Poor social skills of an otherwise technically savvy employee

• Unrealistic demands, expectations of sponsors or clients

• Tensions with clients or between project members

This morning:Insights and tips to better

Anticipate, prepare, handle difficult conversations

HardTalk Biz Coaching

A PM’s/BA’s world

People behave civil and professionally.

Team members and clients act predictable.

Sponsors and admin staff react just like you do.

Not everyone likes you. Ouch!

There is much more to people than your eye can see.

People misinterpret, overreact, are driven by their ego and self-protection.


Human Fallibility

Perceptions, judgments are always selective, biased.Strongest emotions hold you hostage, hamper your thinking.You more often than not misinterpret others’ actions and intentions.You become obsessed with being right, liked, in control. No listening.You chase protective goals in the face of threat: avoid embarrassment..

Add to that the nature of Tough Conversations: Unpredictable. Emotional. Drain energyTemptations: Ignore. Avoid. Procrastinate. Force. Delegate.


Stress makes things difficult

1. It’s difficult to hear and comprehend what the person is saying.

1. It’s difficult to realize/admit the impact your feelings have on relationship.

1. It’s difficult to communicate your needs, interests, intentions constructively.

Amygdala - emotional worry and fear center – running wild.Hampers the work of the prefrontal cortex: reasoning, problem-solving.


Return to Sanity

Relax mind and body: deep breathing, break

Revise your thinking: focus on the big picture

What am I doing right now?What am I experiencing now?

What do I want right now (needs, objectives)?What am I expecting, of self and others?

What am I avoiding/fearing?What is 1 thing I can do to change direction?


Your thinking really matters!

Recognize any thinking distortions?

• Taking things too personal• Drawing premature conclusions• Exaggerating the negative • Black-and-white thinking• Unrealistic expectations• Generalizing

Reflect on your thinkingDo reality + usefulness checks

Adjust, replace what is not helpful


Penn Resilience Program

Ellis and Seligman – Realistic Optimism: Challenge beliefs, dispute them, entertain alternatives and put things in perspective.

• What is the actual evidence for and against my ‘Hot Thought’

• What other ways are there of viewing the situation?

• What’s the worst thing that can happen? How likely is this?

• What positives about me, the person, the situation am I ignoring?

• How does my line of thinking help/hurt in reaching my goals?

https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/services/penn-resilience-training


Dealing with Interpersonal Allergies

Daniel Ofman’s Core Qualities


TOO MUCH

PITFALLQUALITY

CHALLENGEALLERGY

TOO MUCH

Another Core Quality turned Allergy

Your allergy is always ‘too much’ of your own challenge


Changing a tough situation, starts with


Re-frame, Re-label

Labeling a person uncooperative or offensive makes her/him so.Linguist Benjamin Whorf, 1930s: The words we use to describe what we see, actually determine what we see, what we focus on.

I don’t need to agree with everything I do want to find common ground

I don’t need to like him I do want to understand him

I don’t need to enjoy my interaction with her I do want to show her respect


Example Reframing

The Reagan – Mondale presidential debate

Reagan was asked a question about age. He replied:

"I will not make age an issue in this campaign. I'm not going to exploit for political purposes

my opponents youth and inexperience.”


Re-labeling with questions

• What may I be missing here?• What could I be misinterpreting?• How did I possibly contribute to this situation?• How may my personal sensitivities, my ‘hooks’ be involved?

• What am I/are they trying to protect? • What might be a mutual concern or objective?• What may this person really be needing or fearing?• How can I now take better care of me and the situation?


Confirmation Bias

Tendency to search for and interpret info in such a way that the info confirms your pre-existing beliefs about the person or situation:1. You want your own story to be true.2. You look for and only see what you already believe to be true. 3. You interpret what you find, what you see in a self-serving way.

You stubbornly hold on to your views and prejudices. You don’t see, hear, listen openly anymore. You make errors in and rush to judgments.

And thus you harm the relationship, problem-solving, collaboration.


Failing the test on a crucial skill

• Focus your attention• Be curious, ask Qs• Delay judgment• Let the person clarify• Entertain alternatives• Mind your hot buttons• Shut up a little longer• Know your biases• Set boundaries• Summarize

Limit ‘autobiographical’ listening


In Challenging Situations

You can whine, blame, or hold a grudge. Tempting, human, and feels good in the short run. Yet you relinquish control if you feel and act the victim.

Alternative: self awareness, reflection, managementDo I have enough data to freak out? (Brené Brown)How easily do I focus on the negative?May I be taking things too personally in this situation?How often do I trip over small stuff and forget the main thing?Could I be falling into the trap of focusing on defending myself?


Dealing with difficult behavior

• Consult a trusted friend or co-worker• Clarify expectations: be realistic, flexible• Use I – statements, not you – accusations• If possible: minimize the amount of interactions• Take at least 5 seconds longer before you respond• Re-label and come up with multiple interpretations• Choose your battles wisely: Is this worth your energy?• Concentrate energy on shared interests and problem-solving

How often do you look for instances to prove that you are wrong?

Five Communication Styles

Aggressive: about winning. Leaves others hurt, afraid, defensive, humiliatedPassive-Aggressive: result of powerlessness. Leaves others confused, angry. Submissive: driven by pleasing, avoiding conflict. Leaves others frustrated.Manipulative: calculating, about control. Leaves others distrustful, angry.

Assertive: Built on self-esteem, confidence, respect, accountability for own actions.Leaves others feeling respected, understood, trusted, and with clarity.

Understand your style and how others perceive you!

The success of the communication is the responsibility of the communicator.


Additional Tips for TC

• Quiet possible negative internal chatter

• Do the opposite of what you are tempted to do

• Resist temptation to show others they are wrong

• Reframe the situation so it serves the relationship better

• Postpone judgment, listen, ask, and shut up a little longer

The Centre for Studies on Human Stress in Canadahttp://www.humanstress.ca/stress.html


http://www.humanstress.ca/stress.html

Conflict Management Mindset

• Be willing to forgive.• Be willing to own ‘mistakes’.• Be willing to adjust, change course. • Be willing to focus on the present moment. • Be willing to give up the need to win or be right.


Dealing with Conflict

How to make it worse

- Blame or threaten- Avoid the real issue- Jump to conclusions- Act from entitlement- Force, control, belittle- Neglect power dynamics

How to manage it

- Now! Avoid entrenchment- Consider different scenarios- Separate person from problem- Focus on your goal r.t. emotion- Focus on interests, not positions- Take ownership of your own role


Conversation Killers

1. Implying things indirectly.

1. Preparing your come-back, rebuttal.

3. Jumping to conclusions, strong judgments.

3. Confusing someone’s ‘no’ with an attack on your person


Actions to honor emotions

1. Verbalize: what you understand the emotion of the person to be.

1. Realize: strong emotion is often the result of frustration of a need.

1. Remember: a personal example when you felt intensely emotional.

1. Ignore: person’s body language etc. and instead focus on the issue.

1. Reflect: what’s the role of cultural, positional, or other differences?

1. Get agreement about rules of engagement such as volume, interrupting.


De-escalating phrases

“I hear you and here is what I am thinking.”

“I am curious to learn your reaction to what I just said.”

“My perspective is based on the following assumptions . . .”

“We seem to be locked into our positions. Can we return to our goals?”

“We seem to be repeating ourselves. How do you suggest we move on?”

“We have very different perspectives. How do you suggest closing this gap?”


No Change without Action

1 thing I will continue doing

2 things I will stop doing

3 things I will start doing

Carolien MoorsHardTalk Biz Coaching

Candor. Accountability. Change.

“the how of tough conversations” - pmi-mn.org how of...people misinterpret, overreact, are...

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