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TRANSCRIPT
The Intimacy Manifesto:
Redefining and Committing to Intimate
Relationships with God and a Circle of Safe Others
Copyright © 2016 Kim Pullen
Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible,
New International Version®, NIV®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™
Used by permission of Zondervan.
All rights reserved worldwide.
www.zondervan.com
The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks
registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office
by Biblica, Inc.™
Wikipedia contributors. "Manifesto." Wikipedia, The Free
Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 11 Jun.
2016. Web. 29 Jun. 2016.
Printed in the United States of America
Contents
Introduction ........................................................... 4
What Is Intimacy? .................................................. 5
What Intimacy Is and What It’s Not ................... 5 Knowing vs. Knowing About .............................. 6
I Want Intimacy ...................................................... 8
The Answer to My Emptiness ............................ 8 Finding Safe Others ............................................ 9 Worth the Work ............................................... 10
I Need Intimacy .................................................... 12
I Can’t Be Fulfilled Without It .......................... 12 It’s the Key to Building Any Relationship ......... 13
I Will Develop Intimacy ........................................ 15
Going Vertical .................................................. 15 Transcendent Prayer ........................................ 16 Horizontal Hearts and Hugs ............................. 17
I Will Nurture Intimacy in Myself and Others ...... 19
Keeping the Flame Burning .............................. 19 Lighting the Way for Others ............................ 20
My Intimacy Manifesto ................................. 23
From God to Me ........................................................ 24
From Me to God ........................................................ 25
From Me to my Safe Others .................................. 26
About the Author ................................................. 27
4
Introduction
Manifesto
A public declaration of intentions, opinions,
objectives, or motives issued by one party to another.
In 1996, I lost my first-born son during delivery. In
2000, my second-born was diagnosed with autism.
Then in 2011, I suffered an excruciating separation
from my husband of nearly twenty years. The bottom
fell out of my life, and I found myself drowning in
darkness.
But God was there for each event, and I held fiercely
to his hand. He led me out of isolation and despair
and into an intimacy with him and a circle of safe
others that transformed not just my life, but my soul.
My husband and I have since reunited and are in the
process of creating an intimacy we never had before.
The Intimacy Manifesto is born from my desire to
help others know and experience what God revealed
to me through all this tragedy—an intimacy with him
and a circle of safe others that can carry us through
pain and passion, grief and good times, tragedy and
triumph.
This manifesto is written in first person so it can be
experienced personally. Read it with an open Bible,
and drink in God’s commitment to you.
Kim Pullen
June 30, 2016
Orlando, Florida
5
1
What Is Intimacy?
What Intimacy Is and What It’s Not
First things first. Intimacy is not sex. In a marital
relationship, sex can be a fruit of intimacy. But just
because there is sex in a marriage doesn’t mean there
is intimacy.
Another way to
think of it is “in-
to-me-see.” It’s
when I let
someone see
inside my soul.
That can be a lot
scarier than sex.
Intimacy is the
most difficult
state to achieve in
any of my
relationships. It means I must be absolutely
vulnerable to the other person, totally accepting of
their strengths and weaknesses, and fully committed
to the relationship.
But intimacy isn’t a train stop. I don’t “arrive” at it. It’s
a living, breathing thing, and once achieved, I must
feed and nurture it daily in order for it to thrive.
6
Knowing vs. Knowing About
Intimacy is not just knowing about someone.
I can know about an entertainment personality
through magazines, TV, or Twitter. I can know about
my co-workers based on what they reveal in the
break room or on Facebook. I can know about the
members of my congregation or volunteer
organization based on what they share from the
podium, in a
gathering, or over
dinner.
Sadly, I may only
know about my
spouse—what he
likes to eat, watches
on TV, and does on
the weekends. And
he may only know
about me. We don’t
necessarily know
each other’s whys
and hows.
I admit I’ve often felt I’m missing something vital in
my life, but until recently I’d never related it to a lack
of intimacy in my relationships.
It’s more intuitive than the gnawing of forgotten keys
or a misplaced cell phone. It claws quietly at my belly,
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feeding off me, creating a hunger, an ache so innate,
I’ve found myself crying for no apparent reason.
Then I feel stupid, guilty, or embarrassed because
nobody around me seems to feel this way. I have a
relatively good marriage, a reasonably secure job,
great kids, and a stable home. I should be happy.
So why do I feel so empty sometimes?
What is my definition of intimacy?
Name three of my closest relationships and
describe what I have done (or not done) to
create intimacy.
Read Philippians 3:8. What did Paul mean by
this statement?
Read Matthew 7:21-23. What did Jesus mean
when he said, “I never knew you”?
8
2
I Want Intimacy
The Answer to My Emptiness
I’m weary of going through the motions. At home. At
work. At church. I’m performing good deeds but
these actions fill my soul like kindling on a fire,
burning up quickly, leaving me wanting.
I’m sick of shallow relationships. The exterior
pleasantries
reveal none
of the pain
that screams
beneath the
surface of
my skin.
I’m tired of
hiding
behind a facade and pretending to have it all
together when all I want is to throw open the
floodgates of my grief, rage, frustration, and
confusion to someone. Anyone.
Why do I feel the need to appear perfect to others
when I’m really a mess on the inside?
Sometimes, I even feel like I have to be perfect for
God, which makes no sense since he sees everything I
do or think (Jeremiah 16:17). He knows my every
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intention, conscious or subconscious (Hebrews 4:12-
13). He knows each thought or word before I think it
(Psalm 139:4). He made me perfect through Jesus
(Hebrews 10:14) long before I tried to earn his love.
And I am loved, wholly and dearly (Colossians 3:12),
and I can open my heart to him because he opened
his heart to me first (1 John 4:19).
Okay, I can trust him, but I’m afraid to let others “in-
to-me-see” because I’ve opened that window before
only to have my heart broken, shattered, and crushed.
I’m afraid to get hurt again.
Finding Safe Others
There are many in the world who do not respect my
God and his words, and I should no more trust my
tender heart to them than I would a great treasure
(Matthew 7:6).
I need to find safe people with whom I can build
intimacy (Proverbs 4:23).
I will look for others who think like my God
(Philippians 2:2)
and walk like
Jesus (1 John
2:5-6). They
won’t be
perfect either
(we’ll have that
in common), but
10
I will know them by their desire to know me
(Philippians 2:4), and we will devote ourselves to each
other (Ruth 1:16-17).
I can and will create a circle of safe others.
Worth the Work
I believe the truth that nothing worth having comes
easily, therefore, becoming intimate with God and my
safe others will be hard work.
God will discipline me from time to time but, like any
good father, he’s doing it for my good (Hebrews
12:7-11).
At times, I may feel like he’s ignoring me or has
abandoned me (Psalm 142), but I will choose to
remember how much he loves me (Jeremiah 31:3),
and I will renew my trust in him (Romans 8: 28, 32).
Since my safe others are as imperfect as I am, we will
have to labor
through our
differences and
sin (Galatians
6:1-5). I will hurt
them and they
will hurt me, but
I will make
every effort to
work through it
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when those times inevitably come (Ephesians 4:32).
I commit to sacrificing my pride, fear, and selfishness
(Luke 9:23) to become unified with my safe others so
those outside our circle will see the wonder and
power of intimacy and long for it themselves (John
17:21-23).
I see now how desperately I need intimacy.
Read the scriptures from this chapter
before answering the questions.
How often do I feel the need to “perform” for
others? For God? Why?
Meditate on Psalm 139. How does God free
me from the need to perform for him?
Write the names of at least two people I think
might be safe for me. Contact them today
and ask if them if they would be willing to
build intimacy with me.
What will hinder me from moving forward in
my intimacy with God? With safe others?
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3
I Need Intimacy
I Can’t Be Fulfilled Without It
I was created from a relationship for relationships.
“Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…”
(Genesis 1:26, italics mine). God was not alone at
Creation. Jesus and
the Holy Spirit were
present as well
(Colossians 1:16,
Genesis 1:2).
He was recreating
on Earth what he
treasured in heaven—relationships. He walked with
Adam and Eve in the cool of the day (Genesis 3:8-9).
He called Moses and Abraham his friends (Exodus
33:11, James 2:23) and his relationship with Enoch
was so tight, he gave Enoch an exclusive, nonstop
pass into his presence (Genesis 5:24).
Like his Father, Jesus didn’t fly solo. In fact, their
intimacy was so complete that Jesus responded to
inquiries as his Father (John 14:8-10). What’s more, he
broadcast God’s message of relationships to
everyone who would listen (Matthew 11:28, John
17:20-21).
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I can make myself an island, but I will never be
fulfilled on it.
It’s the Key to Building Any Relationship
Relationships were a big deal for the New Testament
writers because they are a big deal to Jesus. The
Greek word for one another (ἀλλήλων) is used 100
times in ninety-four verses (see infographic). I’m
called to build up, ’fess up, pray up, and love up on
others (1
Thessalonians
5:11, James 5:16,
John 13:34).
I’m supposed to
be so connected
relationally with
my safe others
that if some
activity I did
made them
struggle—even if it wasn’t a sin—I would willingly
desist (Romans 14).
I’m called to be so much on the same page with them
that we actually think alike (1 Corinthians 1:10,
Romans 15:5).
There is no way I can get that deep with someone
without developing intimacy.
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Read the scriptures from this chapter
before answering the questions.
Why are relationships so important to God?
Are they as important to me? Why or why
not?
Ask my safe others if they perceive me as
more of “an island” or as someone open to
intimacy.
Which area of relationship building with
others is the most difficult for me—to
encourage others, confess my sins to others,
pray for others, or love and serve others?
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4
I Will Develop Intimacy
The cross is symbolic of the kind of intimate
relationships I need—a vertical relationship with God
and a horizontal relationship with people.
Going Vertical
In the same way the
vertical beam of the
cross was buried in
the earth, I have to
be grounded with
God before I can be
truly intimate with
others. This
supernatural union is the foundation for all my other
relationships. I attain this powerful connection
through daily communication—him speaking to me
(reading his Word) and me speaking to him (prayer).
But it’s more than just reading my Bible. It’s being
wooed by his Love Letters where he announces the
mountains he’s crossed to reach me and dragons he’s
slain to rescue me. It’s him declaring how desperately
he longs for our intimacy (Acts 17:27, Isaiah 30:18).
It’s him proving how completely trustworthy, utterly
devoted, eternally unchanging, and absolutely
reliable he is. He will never outgrow me, belittle me,
ignore me, or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).
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Transcendent Prayer
All this moves me to pour out my heart to him in
prayer. Not only in my closet on my knees with my
eyes closed, but with my eyes and arms open wide,
standing upon a mountain, in a field of wildflowers,
or on a snow-laden hill.
I will make time to be with him every day (Psalm 42).
Even more, I will plan special time in places where he
can display his glorious creativity.
As I talk to him,
he fashions a
rainbow from
water and light,
scatters starfish
across a
shoreline, or
halts an
antlered elk in
its tracks (Psalm
77:14).
And I hear his reply in the sighing trees, the
harmonious birdsong, and the crooning of the
rushing stream (Isaiah 55:12). “I love you,” he says.
“Always and forever.” He has the power to mean it.
And he calls me to travel the horizontal plane of
intimacy as well.
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Horizontal Hearts and Hugs
The other part of the cross that Jesus is purported to
have carried to Golgotha represents the horizontal
plane of my human relationships. These are the safe
others that hold up my arms and I theirs (Exodus
17:12).
They are the support I need when I sing, mourn, or
rage. And I am their support when they shout, weep,
or groan. We are the physical arms of our mutual
Daddy giving each other a gentle caress, a needed
squeeze of the hand, or a warm hug. And we gaze
into each other’s eyes and channel his compassion,
forgiveness, and joy (John 13:12-17).
My safe others talk about their own relationships with
God—how they see him, what they do with him, how
special he is to them, and all that he does for them
(Romans 1:12). And through their courageous
disclosure, I fall more deeply in love with him.
These vertical and horizontal relationships with God
and my safe others twine together, braiding and
overlapping like a close-knit cord, binding me strong
and secure
in their
mutual
embrace
(Ecclesiastes
4:12).
18
It is here in this new place that I learn to nurture
intimacy and pass it on so those outside our safe
circle may know it too (John 17:20).
Read the scriptures from this chapter
before answering the questions.
Read Psalm 55:16-17 and Psalm 98. How
emotionally involved am I in my relationship
with God? How often am I moved to tears,
laughter, or joy when reading my Bible or
praying?
Why is an emotional relationship with God
necessary for building intimacy with safe
others?
How can my intimacy with safe others
strengthen my relationship with God?
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5
I Will Nurture Intimacy in Myself and Others
Keeping the Flame Burning
In a universe of darkness, intimacy in relationships is
light. And like all light, it must be fed on a steady diet
of energy (Matthew 5:14-16).
It will take hard work to nurture my intimacy with
God and my
safe others (1
Corinthians
9:24-26).
I will give
more energy
in my
relationship
with God today than I did yesterday. I will be more
creative, meditate more deeply, and love more
passionately (Mark 12:30-31).
I will pray by starlight, sing by nightlight, and ponder
by noon-light (Psalm 55:17).
I will share my deepest desires, fondest wishes, and
biggest dreams (Psalm 62:8).
I will break bread, sip coffee, and eat chocolate-
covered strawberries with my safe others (Acts 2:46).
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I will plan weekend getaways for memory-making
times with him and them (Luke 5:16).
I will worship him with them (Psalm 35:18).
Lighting the Way for Others
Since he has done all this to fulfill me, I will do all he
asks to please him (2 Corinthians 5:9).
With my hand still holding his, I will reach outside my
circle of safe others to light the way for those who are
as empty as I was (2 Corinthians 5:20).
Some will resist intimacy because they are fearful and
distrust the truth (Matthew 13:19).
Some will embrace it, but because they don’t feed
their own light, they return to the darkness (Matthew
13:20-21).
Some will embrace it, but then let their hurts, hang-
ups, and habits draw them into isolation (Matthew
13:22).
But some—like me and my safe circle of others—will
open wide their hearts to God and form their own
circles (Luke 13:23).
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Together, our intersecting spheres can swallow this
world’s emptiness and isolation and spread the light
and power of intimacy.
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Read the scriptures from this chapter
before answering the questions.
Create a plan of three to five activities or
events I will utilize to nurture my intimacy
with God; set dates for when I will complete
each activity.
Read Psalm 71:15-18, then share my plan
with my safe others. How do I think this will
help my safe others to grow in their intimacy
with God? In their intimacy with me?
How can my intimacy with God and my safe
others inspire those outside our circle to
follow our examples?
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My Intimacy Manifesto
There is power in commitment.
We take a vow when we marry, speak from a witness
box, or enlist in military service. A commitment is an
anchor buried in the depths of our hearts, beneath
the shallows of everyday life, which keeps us faithful
despite storms raging on the surface.
Following are three sample intimacy manifestos:
God’s commitment to us (based on Scripture)
Our commitment to him
Our commitment to others within our safe
circle
These proclaim our intent to run toward the most
powerful, fulfilling, and necessary relationships in our
life that can only be found when we commit to
intimacy.
You can adopt mine if you like. But I encourage you
to create your own based on the scriptures.
Then, just as we do when we marry, witness, or enlist,
declare your pledge aloud. I did my pledge to God in
my backyard (bamboo creaking and warm sun on my
face). I pledged face-to-face to my safe others.
Own yours. Share yours. Change the world.
—K.P.
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My Intimacy Manifesto
From God to Me
I, God, your Creator, Savior, Provider, Protector,
Comforter, and Friend, promise to never leave you
nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).
I gave you everything you need in this world when I
gave you my Word and Myself in the form of my Son,
Jesus (2 Peter 1:3).
I paved the way for your forgiveness so you may
come into my presence unashamed (Hebrews 4:16).
I accept you as you are (Romans 15:7).
I know you inside and out; you don’t have to impress
me (Psalm 139).
I gave you my heart before you were born; you don’t
have to earn my love (Jeremiah 1:5).
I commit my eternal devotion to you today and
forever (Matthew 28:20).
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My Intimacy Manifesto
From Me to God
I, ___________________, Your mortal, scarred, and
damaged child, servant, and friend, present my
broken heart and whole self to You (Matthew 11:28).
I will feed my soul on Your Word and make it my
primary source of strength and wisdom (Psalm 119:9-24).
I accepted Your forgiveness and love when I
committed to follow You (Acts 2:38-41) and will strive to
obey You with a faithful heart (James 2:20-24).
I will place You foremost in my heart and mind, giving
You the first and best fruit of each of my days (Proverbs
3:9-10).
I will keep the door of my heart open to You so I may
know You more every day (Revelations 3:19-20).
I promise to worship You only, forsaking the idolatry
of people, things, and even myself, so I may be fully
devoted to You (Exodus 20:3-6).
I commit my eternal devotion to You today and
forever (2 Chronicles 16:9).
Signed ____________________________________________
Date ______________________________________________
26
My Intimacy Manifesto
From Me to my Safe Others
To _____________________, my Safe Other:
I, _____________________________, your fellow child of
God, will be a safe other for you, and I commit to
share my whole self with you (2 Corinthians 6:11-13).
I will tell you about my relationship with our Father so
you can see his glory through me (2 Corinthians 3:18).
I will look not only to my own interests but also to
what’s important to you and help you fulfill your
dreams (Philippians 2:4).
I will sacrifice time to nurture our intimacy, listening
when you need an ear and holding you when you
need to feel loved (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
I will forgive you when you sin against me and ask for
your forgiveness when I hurt you (Luke 11:4).
I will fight for you in prayer (Colossians 4:12).
I will love you the way Jesus loves me and guard your
heart as carefully as I guard my own (John 13:34-35).
Signed ____________________________________________
Date ______________________________________________
Share with your Safe Other(s)
About the Author
Thriving in a 26-year marriage that was once
traumatized by adultery, codependency, and a four-
year separation, KIM PULLEN shares hope and
healing with spouses who feel isolated due to their
partner’s sexual sin.
She is an author, speaker, playwright, certified yoga
instructor, and advocate for healthy living. She lives in
Orlando, Florida with her courageous husband, three
teen children, six backyard chickens, and a bunny
named Hazel.
Read more from the author at
https://hopeforspouses.com or
https://pullenouthestops.com
or contact her at