the lieography of thomas edison by alan katz

7/30/2019 The LIEography of Thomas Edison by Alan Katz

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TheLIEographyof Thomas Edison

The Absolutely Untrue,

Totally Made Up,

100% Fake Life Story

of the Worlds Greatest Inventor

By

Alan Katz
http://lieographies.com/http://lieographies.com/http://lieographies.com/http://lieographies.com/


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To Natalie and Sol, who invented me


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Chapter One

If Thomas Edison were alive today, hed be well over one

hundred and sixty years old. And while the man is credited with

more than a thousand life-changing inventions, a machine to allow

him to live 160+ years was not one of them. So, sadly, he is not

here today to tell his fascinating story.

The good news, however, is that Mr. Edison lives on through

his scientific achievements, as well as through the words in his

top-secret diary, which has never been found and indeed may not

even exist.

You are about to read the tale of a man who looked at what

was, thought about what is, and invented what could be. A man

who never accepted the word no, never stopped dreaming, never

stopped thinking, never stopped trying, and never drank a cup of

fruit punch with a scrambled egg in it.

Its the tale of a man who never stopped asking why, never

stopped asking how, never stopped asking when, never stopped

asking who, and never realized that the capital letter M looks

quite a lot like an upside down capital letter W.


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And its the tale of a man who, in many ways, made it

possible for you to communicate with others, watch movies, read

books, and get long, difficult, impossible-to-complete homework

assignments.

Its time to meet Thomas Irving Edison.


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Chapter Two

Thomas Irving Edison was invented, well, born, on the 407th

day of 1846. Many considered the day to be part of February 1847,

but Thomass parents were great believers in getting the most out

of a year, so they very often ignored New Years Eve and just keep

counting days well past the 365 that most people say make up a

year.

See, they too were quite inventive.

Thomas came from a large family. He was the eighth of

seven kids, and often wore hand-me-down clothes and ate hand-

me-down food. As a young child, he pretty much lived on

sandwiches the family called TABAPI, which stood for Take A Bite

And Pass It.

As you might imagine, by the time a tuna on white bread got

to little Thomas, all he had was crust. Maybe thats why he ate

tuna at pretty much every meal as an adulteven at breakfast.

And maybe its also the reason he got extremely angry whenever

anyone said the words TABAPI (which hardly ever happened) or

crust (which he heard quite often). Those who considered


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Thomas Edison an ill-tempered man were those who said those

words to him; to everyone else, he was a kind, friendly, sweet man

of invention.

As a boy, Thomasor Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom, as he

insisted everyone call himconsidered himself an inventor from

the time he could first say the words, I consider myself an

inventor. And when people would ask, Whats an inventor? the

young man would reply, Its something I invented. And its what I

am.

No one really understood. But they knew Tommity-Tippity-

Tom-Tom was headed for big fame . . . or big trouble. And they

couldnt wait to find out which it would be.

From age five on, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom loved to play

with trains. Unfortunately, they were real trains, with real

locomotive engines. The boy would sit high upon a hill, always

keeping a safe distance from the tracks, and hed use a homemade

remote control device to make the trains run.

The device was quite simple: three dirty sticks tied together.

It did absolutely nothing other than swing back and forth. But


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Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom would sit on the hill at precisely 2:27

p.m. each day and wave the device up and down until the train

came. When it was nearing the station, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-

Tom would wave the device back and forth to make it slow down

and stop. Hed pull on the left stick and people would get off. Then

hed pull on the right stick and the doors would close and the train

would start moving. And hed pull on the center stick to make the

train speed up . . . until it was out of sight.

No one had the heart to tell Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom that

his device had nothing to do with the trains arrival or departure.

He believed in it his whole life. In fact, hed get mad whenever

hed see a train motoring down the tracks, figuring that someone

had ripped off his idea and was using a similar three sticks tied

together device to run the trains.

So seeing a train, or hearing the words TABAPI or crust,

made Edison mad; most other times, he was a kind, friendly,

sweet man of invention.


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Chapter Three

Besides the train devicewhich we now know was pretty

much nothingmost consider Edisons first invention to be the

Reading Machine.

Despite its name, the Reading Machine was not actually a

machine. It was simply just another stick, one that he used to

poke his big brother Elliot in the ribs until he agreed to read to

him. Elliot would be doing his homework, or sitting quietly, and

Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom would jab him with the Reading

Machine and Elliot would sigh and start reading aloud to

Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom. The more Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom

jabbed, the more Elliot read. It would go on like that for hours a

day, ending only when Elliot lost his voice . . . or when it was time

for Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom to make the 2:27 train arrive.


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(After awhile, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom even invented

something to prevent Elliot from losing his voice; he patented it as

an invention called The Glass of Water.)

On his sixth birthday, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom changed

his name back to Thomas, and from that day on got extremely

angry with anyone that called him Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom.

So hearing the words TABAPI or crust, seeing a train, or

being called Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom made Edison mad; most

other times, he was a kind, friendly, sweet man of invention.

In school, the young lad quickly became known as a kid with

different ideas, someone who tried to take learning far beyond

learning by questioning the obvious. For example, one time when


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his teacher said, One plus one equals two, Thomas raised his

hand and asked, Why?

The teacher answered, Because if you have one apple and

you get another apple, you have two apples.

Thomas accepted that, and then raised his hand to ask,

What about plums?

The teacher said, Yes, plums too. One plum plus one plum

equals two plums.

Grapes?

Yes.

Zebras?

Yes.

Piano stools?

Yes.

Coyotes?

Yes.

Gobs of earwax?

Yes.

Socks?


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Yes.

Buckets of sand?

Yes! One of something plus one of something always equals

two of that thing!

Even puppies?

Yes.

Guppies?

Yes.

Wuppies?

Yes.

I have a question . . .

Yes?

What are wuppies?

At that point, the teacher sent Thomas to the principals

office. And when the principal called in the assistant principal,

Thomas counted. He was in trouble with one person and then with

another personwhich meant he was indeed in trouble with two

people.

His teacher had been right!


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Chapter Four

Now you might be thinking that Thomas Edison was a bit of

a pain in the neck in school. But that really wasnt the case. Yes,

he asked a lot of questions. Yes, he took apart many things that

were working just fine. Yes, he yelled, I have an idea! even when

he didnt have one, confident that he could probably come up with

one by the time someone asked him what it was.

But rather than being considered a pain in the neck,

Thomas was thought of as a genius. The phrase I dont know

lets ask Thomas pretty much took over the school.

How do we stop the door from squeaking?

I dont knowlets ask Thomas.

How do we keep the clock from running twelve hours fast?


How do we construct a new school library entirely out of

saltines?


Why is Thomas doing laps in an empty swimming pool

while wearing a tuxedo?


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Ask Thomas they did. And more often than not, Thomas

was able to figure out an immediateand brilliantanswer.

Thomas won the school Science Fair so many times that the

other kids started calling it the Science Unfair. One year, while

classmates John Harper and Glenn Meehan made a six-foot-long

spinning wheel water thing in a colorful bottle that proved

without a doubt that water is wet, Thomas invented a brand new

means of communication by tapping out signals. Heres what

happened:

Thomas was sitting in a restaurant sipping milk, which for

some reason he called Scode. After emptying his glass, he was still

thirstyso he tapped on the table and said, Scode! Scode! More

right nowplease!

He tapped hard. He tapped soft. He tapped long. He tapped

short. And he found that when he tapped in a certain pattern, the

waitress came much sooner. It was as if the taps were sending out

a message!


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This, dear reader, is how Edison came to invent More Scode,

which was later renamed Morse Code and used by armies, navies,

and others who needed to transmit information.

What became of Edisons classmates John Harper and Glenn

Meehan? Did they end up as great scientists? Did they do amazing

things for mankind? Did they succeed beyond their wildest

dreams?

Why would you be thinking about that? This is, after all, the

LIEography of Thomas Irving Edison.

Lets move on . . .

the lieography of thomas edison by alan katz

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