Written By TIM KELLYMusic & Lyrics By BILL FRANCOEUR

© Copyright 1990, by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

PERFORMANCE LICENSE

The amateur acting rights to this play are controlled exclusively by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood, Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind may be given. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: “Produced by special arrangement with PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., Englewood, Colorado.”

copying or reproducing all or any part of this book in any manner is strictly forbidden by law.

All other rights in this play, including those of professional production, radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., to whom all inquiries should be addressed.

The Musical

KRAZY KAMP

The Musical

Book by TIM KELLYMusic & Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

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EVE HUNNICUTT......................Manager of Camp Pocahontas, 147college age, capable

ALVA DORIGHT.........................Her assistant, younger 117ADAM APPLE............................Director of Camp John Smith, 107

A wheeler-dealerWILLARD................................... His sidekick. There’s only one 60

thing he dreads in life...a real job!

THEODORA WOLFSWINKLE....Compulsive eater 67VIVIAN VANDERSNAP..............Spoiled teenager 75KATE MILLFLOSS.....................A runaway 39HILDEGARD VON FISHBECK...........European counselor 57OFFICER DUMM.......................A policeman. Summer camps 51

frustrate himMR. TERWILLITER....................A trustee for Camp John Smith 25SMUDGE...................................The camp nurse 29LINDA BIDDLE...........................Romance on her mind 31CINDY........................................ A summer camper, charming 27SYLVIA.......................................Her friend 25JENNY.......................................The cook at Pocahontas. 9

Doesn’t like complaintsJOE............................................ Refugee from Camp John Smith 13LARRY....................................... Another 14IVAN THE TERRIBLE................Another 20ELMER CRUMB.........................Alva’s cousin, a carnival type 25CLEOPATRA NILE.....................His associate, has a basket of 26

snakes!CLAMS MARINARA...................A gangster 13DIXIE..........................................His girlfriend, makes “music” 16

with a machine gun

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DOYLE....................................... A young state employee on his 10first assignment

MRS. THISTLEMIST..................Owns Camp Pocahontas 49GLORIA.....................................Kate’s older sister 11EXTRA CAMPERS &CHORUS MEMBERS................As desired

CASTING NOTE: Some roles can be either male or female:TERWILLITER, JENNY (change name to JIM), DOYLE, GLORIA(change name to GEORGE).

SYNOPSIS

The action of the play takes place at Camp Pocahontas, anexclusive summer camp for young ladies.

ACT ONE

Scene One: Morning.

Scene Two: The following day.

ACT TWO

Scene One: The next afternoon.

Scene Two: The following day.

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT ONEOverture ......................................................................Band Medley

Krazy Kamp .............................................................................Cast

A Real Job .................................................................Willard, Adam

Broadway Baby ........................................................................Kate

Gentlemen of John Smith ....................... Boy Campers, Girl Campers

Stupid Pranks ................................................................ Eve, Adam

Poison Ivy Blues .......................................................Kate, Campers

ACT TWO

Entr’Acte ....................................................................Band Medley

Junk Food Junkie ...................................................... Larry, Joe, Ivan

Clams Marinara ......................................................Elmer, Cleopatra

My Buddy and Me .......................................................Adam, Willard

The Mo Sisters ................................................. Larry, Joe, Ivan, Eve

Curtain Call ................................................................Band Medley

Krazy Kamp-Reprise .................................................................Cast

Exit Music ...................................................................Band Medley

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krazy kamp—the musical

ACT ONEScene One

SETTING: The stage depicts various locales at Camp Pocahontas, a summer camp for young ladies, located in a rural area. The main section of the stage, CENTER, represents an office. This is the camp’s “nerve center.” A desk and chair face out to the audience. To the LEFT of the desk is a visitor’s chair. UP RIGHT in the office is a cot. UP CENTER is a bulletin board with announcements, rules, schedules. UP LEFT is a file cabinet or, maybe a table, for dossiers on the campers, reports, etc. Also, a phone, water pitcher and glass, microphone on the desk. Wastebasket, additional odds-and-ends as desired. STAGE RIGHT suggests the interior of a tent or small cabin. Two cots. Actors can ENTER tent from UP RIGHT or DOWN RIGHT. Unseen portion of the tent is OFFSTAGE, RIGHT. STAGE LEFT is a wooded area represented by a bench and a few bushes (painted or realistic). The avenue between the tent and the office is “PATHWAY A.” The avenue between the office and the wooded area is “PATHWAY B.” The area in front of the office (FORESTAGE) is “PATHWAY C.” ENTRANCES and EXITS are DOWN RIGHT and DOWN LEFT, UP RIGHT and UP LEFT. (For stage floor plans, see PRODUCTION NOTES.) There is no curtain and when the audience enters, Camp Pocahontas is lighted to suggest a warm and sunny day. The time is the present. As the auditorium goes to dark, MUSIC: Overture. At the end of OVERTURE, we hear the SOUND OF BIRDS CHIRPING.

AT RISE: LIGHTS HIT THE FORESTAGE. Most of the CAST is in view, sings to the audience. (MUSIC: Krazy Kamp.)

ALL: (Sing.)There’s a place, what a place, it’s a place, such a place,And they call it Krazy Kamp.It’s a mess, what a mess, everybody’s under stress,Still they come to Krazy Kamp.If you’re looking forSummer fun where you’reFree and flying high,Stay away from here,Don’t come near,We’ll tell you why...

BOYS: (Sing.)They got rain, never sun, it’s a pain, never fun,How it rains at Krazy Kamp.And the food, call it food, not like any other food,

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You’ll get sick at Krazy Kamp.If you’ve come to rest,Looking for the bestIn the great outdoors,Be prepared to weepWhen you sleepOn hardwood floors.

ALL: (Sing.)Krazy Kamp’s a name we call this,Home away from home.If you come, you may find out,You’ll be alone.

GIRLS: (Sing.)They got bugs, crawling bugs, flying bugs, hairy bugs,And they’re here at Krazy Kamp.They got snakes, little snakes, bigger snakes, giantsnakesLiving here at Krazy Kamp.When you pay the fee,Grab a hold for thePrice will make you choke.If you have a doubt,You’ll find outWhen you go broke!

BOYS: (Sing.)They got plants, evil plants, wicked plants, viciousplants,And they’ll all give you a rash.

GIRLS: (Sing.)Better take my advice, don’t come here at any price,Stay at home and save the cash.

BOYS/GIRLS: (Sing.)If you’re looking toFind a place where youKnow you can revamp,Stay away from here,Don’t come nearThis Krazy Kamp!

ALL: (Sing.) Krazy Kamp’s a name we call thisHome away from home.

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Take my advice, don’t take the chance,It’s crazy...This crazy...Stay away from Krazy Kamp.(Shouted.) Krazy Kamp!(At end of song, CAST MEMBERS EXIT FORESTAGE, LEFT and RIGHT. EVE HUNNICUT and ALVA DORIGHT remain ONSTAGE, DOWN RIGHT. EVE, the camp director, is young, clever and pretty. She carries a clipboard and marks off items as she speaks. ALVA, her assistant and friend, carries a clipboard and marker, as well. Both girls wear summer camp clothing. Consult PRODUCTION NOTES for description of general costuming.)

EVE: Gee, Alva. We’ve got a million things to do.

ALVA: That’s for sure.

EVE: New Indian Maidens will be arriving any minute.

ALVA: I know.

EVE: Busy, busy.

ALVA: I got the oddest phone call this morning.

EVE: Who from?

ALVA: I think it was from my cousin Elmer. All I heard was a muffled voice and the phone went dead.

EVE: If it’s anything important, he’ll call back. Don’t forget to see that the plumbing is in working order throughout the camp.

ALVA: (Checks spot on clipboard.) Check.

EVE: Everything freezes in the winter, especially the water pipes. There may be cracks.

ALVA: (Checks another spot on clipboard.) Check for cracks.

EVE: I hope no possums have gotten under the bungalows and died.

ALVA: (Another spot.) Check for dead possums.

EVE: It would be a good idea to spray the poison ivy patch.

ALVA: (Another spot.) Poison the ivy.

EVE: Remind me to tell Jenny that this season we won’t be serving liver under any circumstances. Too many complaints.

ALVA: (Another.) Cut out the liver.

EVE: (Worried.) I must be forgetting something.

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ALVA: Can’t do everything at once.

EVE: Opening week at Camp Pocahontas is a struggle.

ALVA: Nothing to worry about. You’ve got everything under control, as usual.

EVE: There are still a million details.

ALVA: One detail at a time, Eve.

EVE: (Relaxes.) You’re right. (Takes a deep breath.) Ah, smell that clean country air.

ALVA: Healthy.

EVE: Invigorating.

ALVA: And free.

EVE: Free? Not at Camp Pocahontas. (They exchange a hearty laugh. Pocahontas is an expensive summer camp. They ENTER office. EVE sits behind the desk, does paperwork. ALVA busies herself with the files. ADAM APPLE, director of the nearby “all-boys” Camp John Smith, ENTERS cautiously DOWN LEFT. With him is his sidekick, WILLARD. They wear sweatshirts, whistles around their necks, track shoes. It’s plain they don’t want anyone to overhear their discussion.)

ADAM: You let me do the talking.

WILLARD: You’re cuckoo if you think Eve will go for your crazy idea.

ADAM: You got a better idea?

WILLARD: If I had a better idea, I wouldn’t be here. (ADAM is impulsive, hyperactive, always working an angle to survive. Approaching disaster is his constant companion. His view of the world is slightly upside down and he lives for the moment, which gets him into all kinds of trouble. Despite all this he’s an appealing character with a certain puppydog quality that females find hard to resist. ADAM, like WILLARD, EVE and ALVA, is about college age. Mentally, WILLARD does his best to keep up with ADAM, but he’s always one step behind. He’s incurably lazy and ill-kept.)

ADAM: Willard, let me acquaint you with the facts. (He pushes him on to the bench.) The only way we’re going to survive the long, hard winter is to have a paying job this summer.

WILLARD: We won’t have a paying job, either one of us, if Camp John Smith doesn’t open.

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ADAM: Camp John Smith MUST open.

WILLARD: But the inspector said it wasn’t ready to open.

ADAM: He said it wasn’t FIT to open. (Fast.) We already have guys lined up for their cabin assignments. What will happen if they have to return home?

WILLARD: I don’t suppose it would look too good for Camp John Smith’s reputation.

ADAM: Reputation! The only thing lower than Camp John Smith’s reputation would be a whale’s belly. Don’t forget, Willard, we’re on probation. If we don’t pull the camp through this season we might have to go out into the real world and get a REAL job.

WILLARD: (Jumps up, horrified.) A REAL JOB!

ADAM: (MUSIC: A Real Job. Speaks.) That’s right. A real job. (He sings.)When I was a boy back home,My mama would set me down and say,“Son, you’re gonna be a man someday.Ya better not let schoolin’ pass you by,If you do, you’re gonna make your mama cry.Son, go out and get a real job.”Well, I tried my hand at goin’ to school,Seems I broke most ev’ry rule,’Fore long, I found myself right out the door.So, I tried some o’ this and a little o’ that,Gave me a pain right where I sat.Right then and there I done made up my mind.I don’t want no real job, uh, uh.Ain’t got no time for work.I’m a little bit crazy, a whole lot lazy,Guess I’ve got this quirk,An’ it don’t matter what they say, I’m gonna do what I want anyway.This boy will never hold a real job.Now, I don’t live with mama no more,Mama done kicked me out the door,Said, “Son, looks like you’ll never change your ways,Ya made a life pursuit of bein’ a slob,Ain’t got no trade, ain’t got no job,”Mama, there’s only one thing I can say...

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.)I don’t want no real job, uh, uh.Ain’t got no time for work.

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I’m a little bit crazy, a whole lot lazy,Guess I’ve got this quirk,An’ it don’t matter what they say,I’m gonna do what I want anyway.This boy will never hold a real job.

(DANCE INTERLUDE. ADAM and WILLARD perform a wild and crazy “hillbilly” dance, complete with whoops and hollers.)

I don’t want no real job, no, sir.Ain’t got no time for work.I’m a little bit crazy, a whole lot lazy,Guess I’ve got this quirk,An’ it don’t matter what they sayI’m gonna do what I want anyway.This boy will never hold a real job,No, sir, I’ll never hold a real job,This boy will never hold a real job!

ADAM: (At end of song, with enthusiasm.) Let’s go to work, Willard... our way!

WILLARD: (Cups his hand over ADAM’S mouth.) Shhh. Quiet.

THEODORA: (About 14, friendly, a compulsive eater, ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, a candy bar in each hand. She wears a jogging suit.) Hi!

ADAM: (Waves timidly.) Hi.

WILLARD: Hi.

THEODORA: I bet you men are from the other side of the lake.

ADAM: Uh-huh.

THEODORA: (Indicates candy bars.) Wanna bite?

ADAM: (Smiles.) Some other time, maybe. (To WILLARD.) Let’s plan strategy. (Pushes him OFFSTAGE, DOWN LEFT.) This could be our most crucial hour.

WILLARD: (Still horrified at the possibility.) A REAL JOB! That’s gross. (VIVIAN VANDERSNAPP ENTERS UP LEFT. She’s a rather beautiful teenager, mature in manner and speech, but she’s terribly spoiled and selfish. She is dressed fashionably... for the city, not summer camp. She carries a chic piece of travel luggage, walks DOWNSTAGE INTO PATHWAY C.)

VIVIAN: You there, stuffing your face.

THEODORA: (Looks about.) You mean me?

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VIVIAN: I don’t see anyone else. Are you an employee?

THEODORA: I don’t work here if that’s what you mean.

VIVIAN: That’s what I mean.

THEODORA: (Steps LEFT.) Betcha you’re enrolling for summer camp.

VIVIAN: (Puts down luggage.) Summer camp, ugh! How I hate those words. So infantile.

THEODORA: I come back every summer.

VIVIAN: So do the mosquitoes.

THEODORA: I’m Theodora Wolfswinkle. What’s your name?

VIVIAN: Vandersnap. Vivian Vandersnap.

THEODORA: Vandersnap? That’s a funny name.

VIVIAN: Try Wolfswinkle.

THEODORA: I hope we’re going to be friends. (Hopeful.) Are you a compulsive eater?

VIVIAN: (Offended.) Certainly not!

THEODORA: (Shrugs.) Welcome to Camp Pocahontas, anyway. (Forgetting that her hand holds a candy bar, THEODORA slaps it into VIVIAN’S palm.)

VIVIAN: (Horrified.) You fool! Look what you’ve done. Messy chocolate all over my fingernails and delicate skin. Oh, oh!

THEODORA: (Upset.) I’m sorry, Viv. I forgot that candy bar. If I had known I was gonna meet you I would have been eating grapes.

VIVIAN: (Plucks out a hanky and wipes away the candy.) You could do me two big favors. Direct me to the admissions office and stay out of my way.

THEODORA: You’re not mad at me, are you?

VIVIAN: (Through clenched teeth.) No, I’m not mad at you.

THEODORA: Good.

VIVIAN: I’m furious!

THEODORA: (Jumps back.) Boy! That’s some temper you got.

VIVIAN: The admissions office. Where is it?

THEODORA: You mean the nerve center?

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VIVIAN: (Finishes wiping her hand clean.) There’s nothing the matter with my nerves. I’m in perfect health.

THEODORA: We call the camp office the nerve center. (Points.) You’re standing in front of it.

VIVIAN: (Looks.) What a nauseating coop.

THEODORA: Got things to do. See you around, Viv. Sorry about the chocolate. (She turns, trots UP PATHWAY A.)

VIVIAN: (Shouts after THEODORA.) And don’t call me Viv. I don’t allow anyone to call me Viv. My name is Vivian. (She sighs, picks up luggage, moves to office from LEFT. In the office, EVE stands with the microphone for the loudspeaker system in her hand.)

EVE: Alva. (ALVA stops her work with the files, moves to EVE, picks up a whistle from the desk, blows three short blasts through the microphone, returns to the files. EVE pats at her mouth and makes sound of Indian war whoop.) Attention! Attention! I would like to welcome all the Indian Maidens who have arrived early for a season at lovely Camp Pocahontas on the shores of beautiful Lake Lookeeloo. We will be serving herbal tea this afternoon on the boathouse veranda. Thaaaaank you. (She taps the microphone.) Oh, no, not again. (She blows into microphone.) The microphone must have a short. It only works about half the time.

ALVA: I’ll have it checked out.

VIVIAN: (While EVE has been making the announcement, VIVIAN has ENTERED, stands LEFT. Annoyed that she hasn’t been noticed.) I’m here!

EVE: Oh, I didn’t see you there.

VIVIAN: I believe I’m expected.

EVE: You must be Vivian Vandersnap. Your aunt telephoned and said you’d be here this morning. I’m Eve Hunnicutt and this is Alva Doright.

ALVA: Won’t you sit down, Vivian?

VIVIAN: (Crosses to visitor’s chair, sits, puts down luggage.) The rest of my luggage is out by the gatehouse. Send someone for it, will you?

EVE: (Sits on edge of desk.) I’m afraid here at Camp Pocahontas everyone carries her own luggage. I hope you haven’t taken along more than two pieces. That’s the limit.

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VIVIAN: (Irritated.) It certainly is.

ALVA: (Steps to EVE with file.) Here’s Vivian’s application form. Her aunt has filled it out.

EVE: (Takes file.) See if you can find Hildegard, will you, Alva?

ALVA: Good as done. (ALVA EXITS office RIGHT and leaves STAGE DOWN RIGHT.)

EVE: (Opens file.) Your aunt feels it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with us.

VIVIAN: My aunt feels I lack discipline. She also feels I act too old for my age. According to her I’m spoiled, selfish, egotistical and conceited. Conceited? Imagine anyone calling me conceited!

EVE: (Sarcastic.) I can’t imagine.

VIVIAN: I had a wonderful summer planned. A trip to Europe. Pocahontas has spoiled that. I’ll never forgive her.

EVE: Pocahontas?

VIVIAN: No, my aunt. (KATE, about 16, runs INTO PATHWAY A from UPSTAGE, MOVES DOWNSTAGE while EVE and VIVIAN are talking. She’s distraught and disoriented, looks LEFT and RIGHT as if someone were after her. She sees the tent, RIGHT, ENTERS. Once inside she hastily looks about for a place to hide. She scrambles under the DOWNSTAGE cot, out of sight.)

EVE: Once you make some new friends, Camp Pocahontas will be like your home away from home.

VIVIAN: That’s the whole point! I don’t like my home. I spend as much time away from it as possible. I’m not here by choice. I’ve been CONDEMNED to spend the summer here. This isn’t a summer camp to me. It’s Devil’s Island.

EVE: Condemned is too harsh a word. A little fresh air, exercise, good food... we don’t serve liver... and your attitude will change.

VIVIAN: (Stands.) I doubt that.

HILDEGARD: (She is a camp counselor. ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and INTO the office. She wears severe braids piled on her head and her demeanor is Prussian. She’s a no-nonsense type with a thick European accent.) You vished to see me?

EVE: (Gets off desk.) Ah, Hildegard. We have a new Indian Maiden. Vivian Vandersnap.

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HILDEGARD: You vish for me to assign her a bungalow?

EVE: I think we’ll put Vivian in Squirrel Bungalow!

HILDEGARD: All ze bungalows and tents are named after ze forest animals.

VIVIAN: That’s nauseating!

HILDEGARD: Raccoon, Badger, Rattlesnake...

VIVIAN: Rattlesnake!!!

HILDEGARD: ...Possum, Chipmunk, Moose...

VIVIAN: (Indignant.) You expect me to tell my friends I live in a place called Squirrel Bungalow?

EVE: If you don’t like that we have a vacancy in Muskrat.

VIVIAN: Muskrat!

HILDEGARD: Also the Porcupine is vacant.

VIVIAN: Porcupine!

EVE: The choice is yours.

VIVIAN: (Fuming.) I’ll take Squirrel.

EVE: Splendid.

HILDEGARD: If you vill follow me, Vivian. Ve jog.

VIVIAN: Please call me Miss Vandersnap. (Jogging, HILDEGARD leaves the office. EXITS UP RIGHT.)

EVE: We use first names at Camp Pocahontas, Vivian.

VIVIAN: That’s repulsive.

EVE: Jog along.

VIVIAN: I never jog. It’s bad for the complexion. (She starts to EXIT.)

EVE: Oh, Vivian.

VIVIAN: (Turns.) What is it now?

EVE: Haven’t you forgotten something? (She indicates the luggage by the chair. Resentful, VIVIAN CROSSES for it. In doing so, her foot manages to get stuck in the wastebasket.)

VIVIAN: Ow!

EVE: Let me help.

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VIVIAN: I’m perfectly capable of helping myself. (Wastebasket still on her foot, VIVIAN picks up the luggage and follows after HILDEGARD. During the business with the wastebasket, OFFICER DUMM of the highway patrol ENTERS DOWN LEFT. He’s young, in uniform, wears dark glasses, checks his work book. EVE goes to “door” and watches the departing VIVIAN, who walks UP PATHWAY A trying her best to act as if nothing were wrong... the wastebasket still on her foot. EVE shakes her head at this difficult new arrival, goes back to desk, picks up her clipboard and EXITS RIGHT, INTO PATHWAY A and OFF. MR. TERWILLITER, a small man in a dark suit, wearing a derby and carrying an attache case, ENTERS DOWN LEFT.)

MR. TERWILLITER: Excuse me, Officer?

DUMM: (Still looking at work book, doesn’t turn.) Yeah?

MR. TERWILLITER: I’m looking for Adam Apple.

DUMM: (Turns.) Who?

MR. TERWILLITER: Adam Apple.

DUMM: Apple? Apple? You mean that crazy college kid who runs Camp John Smith?

MR. TERWILLITER: The same.

DUMM: I had trouble with him all last season. He doesn’t run a summer camp... he runs a funny farm. One time his kids covered my patrol car with straw.

MR. TERWILLITER: Tsk, tsk.

DUMM: Never would have found it if I hadn’t seen a herd of cows munching around a funny-looking hay stack. It was giving out traffic reports.

MR. TERWILLITER: I can assure you there’ll be no more of that.

DUMM: (Dubious.) I’d like to believe you.

MR. TERWILLITER: As a matter of fact, the trustees at the bank have sent me to investigate conditions at Camp John Smith. That’s why I’m here.

DUMM: Where?

MR. TERWILLITER: Here. Camp John Smith.

DUMM: This isn’t Camp John Smith. This is Camp Pocahontas.

MR. TERWILLITER: (Distressed.) I have a poor sense of direction.

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DUMM: (Points DOWN LEFT.) John Smith’s on the other side of beautiful Lake Lookeeloo. You can’t miss it. There’s usually a pile of tin cans and rubbish surrounding the place. There used to be a buffalo roaming about.

MR. TERWILLITER: A buffalo!

DUMM: Mangy old thing. Looked like a hairy, walking rug with moths. Haven’t seen that buffalo all winter. Maybe it died.

MR. TERWILLITER: A buffalo, tsk, tsk. I think my visit is long overdue. Thank you for your assistance.

DUMM: Anytime.

MR. TERWILLITER: I don’t know what the bank trustees will say about a buffalo. (He EXITS LEFT.)

ALVA: (ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT.) Hello, Officer Dumm. (They meet DOWN CENTER in front of the office.) What brings you here?

DUMM: A runaway.

ALVA: You’ve come to the wrong place. Runaways can’t afford Pocahontas.

DUMM: She took the family car. Ran out of gas down the road. I’m checking around. If you see anyone acting suspicious, give me a call.

ALVA: Got a picture?

DUMM: Not yet. I will have. Name’s Millfloss. Kate Millfloss.

ALVA: What’s her description?

DUMM: What difference does it make. Describe one teenage girl and you’ve described ’em all. (He EXITS DOWN LEFT as SMUDGE, the camp nurse in a starched white uniform, ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. She’s a befuddled medic, almost comical in her attempts to prove efficient. She holds papers.)

SMUDGE: So far so good. I’m managing to keep up with our new arrivals.

ALVA: Vivian Vandersnap checked in.

SMUDGE: (Flips papers.) Vandersnap, Vandersnap... (Finds her name.) Here she is. Under “D”. I’ll want her complete medical history. I’m anxious to meet her.

ALVA: Good luck, Smudge. You’ll need it.

SMUDGE: How do you mean?

ALVA: Each summer we get one thorn in with the roses. This season it’s Vivian Vandersnap.

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SMUDGE: The Vandersnaps are terribly wealthy.

ALVA: Vivian is aware of that.

SMUDGE: There’s only one more camper to arrive and the week’s roster is complete.

ALVA: That would be Linda Biddle.

SMUDGE: (Checks papers.) Biddle... Biddle... ah, here she is. Under “Y”.

ALVA: “Y”? “Y” for Biddle? “D” for Vandersnap?

SMUDGE: My own system. You see, it’s boring filing names under the correct letter. More interesting to mix them up and then hunt for them.

ALVA: Whatever works.

THEODORA: (Bounces IN from DOWN RIGHT, a large box of popcorn in her grip.) Hi, Smudge! Hi, Alva!

SMUDGE: (Disapproving.) Theodora, you’re doing it again. Eating, eating, eating!

THEODORA: First bite I’ve had all day.

SMUDGE: Lying, lying, lying.

ALVA: Theodora, we went over all this last summer. You’re just like the boys at Camp John Smith. You’re a junk food junkie. If you don’t stop, you’re going to blow up like a helium balloon with feet.

THEODORA: This popcorn will be my last mouthful.

SMUDGE: After you’ve finished with that popcorn, please don’t eat the box even if there’s butter left on the cardboard. (SMUDGE EXITS DOWN LEFT.)

THEODORA: (CROSSES to ALVA.) Little popcorn never hurt anyone.

ALVA: It hurts you. Popcorn leads to candy bars, candy bars lead to cupcakes, cupcakes lead to ice cream...

THEODORA: Soon as I’m through with this popcorn I’m going on a diet.

ALVA: If you don’t, all you’ll get for dessert is Jell-O.

THEODORA: What flavor? (ALVA throws up hands in despair, EXITS UP PATHWAY B. THEODORA crosses to bench, sits, eats popcorn. During the following scene, THEODORA will finish the popcorn and toss the box over her shoulder after tracing the inside for a taste of melted butter. She will produce another candy bar and proceed to eat it, stripping away the wrapper as if it were a banana

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peel. As soon as ALVA ENTERS PATHWAY B, we hear the VOICE of HILDEGARD from OFFSTAGE RIGHT.)

HILDEGARD’S VOICE: You vill find Squirrel Bungalow fit for habitation.

VIVIAN’S VOICE: Fit for habitation? I’m not a bear planning to sleep away the winter!

KATE: (Sticks her head out from under the cot.) Oh, no! Company!

HILDEGARD: (ENTERS tent from UPSTAGE.) Clean sheets twice a week. Towels, too. You clean Squirrel Bungalow every day. (KATE ducks back under the cot. VIVIAN follows IN after HILDEGARD, still with wastebasket.)

VIVIAN: You mean I’m expected to clean and dust?

HILDEGARD: And mop.

VIVIAN: Mop! That’s the pits. (She puts down the piece of luggage, sits on DOWNSTAGE cot, begins to remove wastebasket from her foot with some difficulty.)

HILDEGARD: Lights out at nine.

VIVIAN: Next you’ll be telling me there’s a daily inspection. Like the army.

HILDEGARD: If I vere in charge of Camp Pocahontas everything would run like clockwork. Eve Hunnicutt believes a summer here should be like a birthday party. Bah!

VIVIAN: I don’t like her any more than you do. And I vish... I mean “wish” I could get out of here right now. (Finally removes wastebasket.) There must be a way. (THEODORA has finished her candy now, then produces an apple, munches.)

HILDEGARD: I have more experience! I am more suited to the vork! I should be the commandant! (In a fury, HILDEGARD snatches up the pillow from the cot and bites into it.) Grrr! Grrr! Grrrr! (VIVIAN, appalled, stifles a scream. HILDEGARD settled down, returns the pillow.) That alvays helps. (Deep breath.) I feel better.

VIVIAN: I’ve heard of transferring aggression, but that’s the first time I’ve ever seen it. (Cautious.) You bite pillows often?

HILDEGARD: (Ignores the question, points to OFFSTAGE rear of tent.) The closet and vash basin are back here.

VIVIAN: (Stands, EXITS into “back” of tent, OFFSTAGE.) I don’t like this hovel.

HILDEGARD: It’s nice... as hovels go.

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VIVIAN: (OFFSTAGE.) What’s all this stuff?

HILDEGARD: Vhat stuff?

VIVIAN: (Returns with some old theatrical-type dresses or gowns.) These dresses. There are more back there.

HILDEGARD: There vas a musical revue last summer and the costumes were stored in Squirrel and Ground Hog.

VIVIAN: I don’t sleep in storage rooms! (Tosses costumes OFFSTAGE.) Don’t you have a bungalow with a southern exposure?

HILDEGARD: Goose.

VIVIAN: (Outraged.) Who are you calling a goose!

HILDEGARD: Not you. The bungalow. Vild Goose bungalow. It has a southern exposure.

VIVIAN: Good. I’ll have a look.

HILDEGARD: Ve jog! (She jogs UPSTAGE and OFF. VIVIAN follows HILDEGARD, with luggage. LINDA ENTERS UP LEFT and walks DOWN PATHWAY B to bench where THEODORA is eating. She carries a suitcase. KATE scurries out from under the cot, steps INTO PATHWAY C.)

LINDA: Excuse me.

THEODORA: Hi.

LINDA: I’m Linda Biddle. (Not wishing for them to see her, KATE dashes INTO the office, looks around for a place to hide, sees cot, scrambles under it.) I’m looking for the office.

THEODORA: You’re standing in front of it. You a new Maiden?

LINDA: Maiden?

THEODORA: Indian Maiden... anyone who spends the summer at this camp is called a Maiden. Y’know... like Pocahontas. She was a famous Indian Maiden.

LINDA: (Points to office.) This building is the office?

THEODORA: The nerve center... yup. (Stands.) I’m hungry. Haven’t eaten all day. See you around, Linda. (THEODORA jogs OFF, UP LEFT. LINDA ENTERS the office, looks around. Two campers, CINDY and SYLVIA, jog IN from DOWN LEFT and jog UP PATHWAY A and OFF, talking as they go.)

SYLVIA: How many times around the camp does this make?

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CINDY: Only four. Two more to go.

SYLVIA: I’ll never make it. I came to summer camp for relaxation.

CINDY: Relax later. Jog now.

SYLVIA: You sound like Hildegard. (They’re OUT.)

LINDA: Anyone here?

KATE: (From under cot to herself.) I can’t spend my whole life under cots. It’s degrading. I’m beginning to feel like a mole. (She pulls herself out and up.)

LINDA: (Astonished.) What are you doing down there?

KATE: Hiding.

LINDA: From whom?

KATE: (Steps toward LINDA.) From anyone who wants to find me. My parents mostly. They’ve got the police looking for me.

LINDA: The police?

KATE: It’s nothing serious. I ran away.

LINDA: To summer camp?

KATE: (Brushing dust from her clothing.) I want a career in show business. I act.

LINDA: That’s why you ran away?

KATE: There’s a summer stock company near here I can join. It’s my big chance! My parents said no way. My dad will be furious I took his car. We were supposed to be going to Mexico on a holiday.

LINDA: Mexico sure sounds like a lot of fun to me.

KATE: I don’t want to go with them. That summer theater is opportunity knocking. Knock, knock, knock. ’Cause it’s only the beginning. Those knocks are on the doors to the big time. ’Cause then it’s off to New York City and Broadway! (Getting carried away.) I’ll hit the stage as a chorus member. But then some night the leading lady will lose her voice. When they need someone, they’ll call on me. And I’ll become a star that night. The critics will love me. My fans will adore me. You’ll see my name in lights up there with people like Carol Channing and Ethel Merman. (Or other “classic” Broadway stars.)

LINDA: Wow! Are you serious!?

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KATE: You bet I’m serious. You’d better believe that all over the world, I’ll be known as the “Broadway Baby.” (MUSIC: Broadway Baby. Speaks.) I’m gonna be a star! (She sings.)Someday I’m gonna be a Broadway Baby.Someday the lights are gonna shine on me.And when I take my final bow of the evening,They’ll cheer and shout and whistle for the lady they see.I’m gonna be another Channing or Merman.I’ll be the very best New York has seen.And when the critics pick the belle of the season,There’ll be another Tony for the reigning queen.I’ll be a Broadway Baby dressed in style,Singin’ and a-dancin’ from show to show.With my pink feathered boa I’ll beguile.A sophisticated lady from head to toe.Every night when I arrive in my limo,The fans’ll try to catch a glimpse of me.I’ll play it cool like a raging inferno,When I smile and blow them kisses, they’ll agree...That I’m a Broadway Baby, dressed to kill,Struttin’ and a-flirtin’ from stage to stage.With a wink and a wiggle, I’ll give ’em a thrill.A sophisticated lady...Perhaps a bit shady...A Broadway Baby, dressed in style,Singin’ and a’-dancin’ from show to show.With my pink feathered boa, I’ll beguile.A sophisticated lady...Perhaps a bit shady...A sophisticated lady from head to toe!

LINDA: (At end of song.) So, what are you going to do?

KATE: I’m going to call my parents and let them know I’m all right. Maybe they’ll go to Mexico without me.

LINDA: Wishful thinking if I know parents. (Sits in visitor’s chair.) We’re sort of in the same pickle. My boyfriend is going into the Air Force Academy in Colorado. My parents think we’re getting too serious, so here I am. We didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to each other.

KATE: Then go to Colorado.

LINDA: Ha! The minute they discovered I wasn’t here at Pocahontas the sky would fall.

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KATE: (A bright expression on her face.) What if you were actually in Colorado but everyone swore you were here?

LINDA: That isn’t possible.

KATE: Has anyone at this camp ever seen you before?

LINDA: (Thinks.) Not that I know of.

KATE: (Enthusiastic.) Don’t you see? I could take your place. How long would you be gone?

LINDA: Two days at the most. I’d catch a plane.

KATE: What’s your name?

LINDA: Linda Biddle.

KATE: I’m Kate Millfloss.

LINDA: (Suddenly excited.) Do you think it would work?

KATE: I’m an actress! This will be a great chance to show my parents how good I am. After this, I’m sure they’ll let me join the summer theater.

LINDA: (Jumps out of chair.) It sounds crazy to me. Crazy enough to work.

KATE: I’ll keep a low profile.

LINDA: I’ll be back before anyone gets wise.

KATE: From the little I’ve seen of this place we shouldn’t have any trouble. Camp Pocahontas is Flake City.

LINDA: Thanks, Kate. (Grabs suitcase.) Here, you can wear my stuff. (Notices somebody coming.) So long, “Linda.” I’ve got a plane to catch. (Puts down suitcase in front of Kate, runs OUT LEFT INTO PATHWAY B and OFF, UP LEFT. SMUDGE ENTERS from DOWN LEFT and ENTERS the office. She has her “papers.”)

SMUDGE: Ah. A new Indian Maiden.

KATE: (Into her new “personality.”) Ah, I’m Linda Biddle...

SMUDGE: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. (Thinks.) You’re Linda Biddle.

KATE: (Perplexed.) Didn’t I just say that?

SMUDGE: (Checks her papers.) Here you are, filed under “Z.”

KATE: “Z?”

ALVA: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, followed by an anxious WILLARD.) That has to be the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.

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WILLARD: Give us a break, Alva. We need help.

ALVA: You don’t’ need help. You need a psychiatrist! (They ENTER office from LEFT.)

SMUDGE: Alva, this is Linda Biddle.

ALVA: Nice to have you with us, Linda.

KATE: (Curtsies. Fakes a country accent.) Nice to be here, ma’am.

ALVA: A curtsy? My, aren’t you the sweet, old-fashioned girl.

KATE: (Another curtsy.) Yes, ma’am.

ALVA: So natural.

KATE: I’m as natural as biscuits and gravy.

SMUDGE: Come along with me, Linda. Watch where you step. The place is alive with sumac and ivy.

KATE: Ivy who? (SMUDGE EXITS office, DOWN RIGHT. KATE follows with suitcase.)

WILLARD: Where’s Eve?

ALVA: (Sits at desk.) No use talking to Eve. She won’t listen to you.

WILLARD: But I may be forced to go to work! Real work! (Moans.) Oooooooh.

ALVA: It will do you good.

WILLARD: I’m a free spirit. I have to have my freedom. (He clenches his jaws, stomps up and down like a child in a temper fit.) No, no, no! (He throws himself on his back, slapping the floor with his feet and hands. ALVA has obviously seen this weird behavior from WILLARD in the past. As he thrashes about, she speaks into the microphone as ADAM runs INTO the office from DOWN LEFT.)

ALVA: (Lets out a war whoop.) Nurse Smudge. Calling Nurse Smudge. Please report to the nerve center.

WILLARD: No! No! No!

ALVA: (Looks at him, shakes her head in disapproval, speaks again into microphone.) And bring a straitjacket. (Taps mike.) I forgot. It’s not working.

ADAM: What have you done to this poor boy?

ALVA: I haven’t done anything. It’s the thought of going to work that’s making him ill.

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ADAM: (Drops to one knee.) Willard, speak to me! (WILLARD continues his tantrum. ALVA stands, calmly pours herself a glass of water, sips. What’s left in the glass she pours into WILLARD’S face. EVE ENTERS PATHWAY A from UP RIGHT, INTO office.)

WILLARD: (Sits up, wipes his face.) I’m drowning!!!

ALVA: Nonsense.

WILLARD: Shows the emotional state I’m in!

EVE: What’s going on in here? (ADAM helps WILLARD to his feet.)

ALVA: You’d better sit down, Eve. The men from Camp John Smith have something to ask.

EVE: I’m listening. (ALVA steps RIGHT of desk. EVE sits.)

WILLARD: I’d better rest. I’m emotionally exhausted. (He crosses to cot, collapses on top.)

ALVA: (Annoyed.) Make yourself at home, Willard.

WILLARD: (Feebly.) I’m not well.

ALVA: That’s news?

EVE: What is all this?

ADAM: (The salesman.) Eve, aren’t we friends?

EVE: As far as I know.

ADAM: We’re in the same line of business.

EVE: We both run a summer camp.

ADAM: Eve, I’m desperate.

EVE: Again?

ADAM: I’ve got young “gentlemen” waiting for bungalow assignments, and the state inspector says Camp John Smith isn’t ready to open.

EVE: Young “gentlemen”? Come off it, Adam. You get the freaks no other camp will take. You run the only summer camp for social misfits in the state.

ADAM: We just have to open this season. If we don’t, the bank trustees will holler. (WILLARD moans.)

EVE: I don’t see why you came to me.

ADAM: Who told you when Mrs. Thistlemist was looking for a new director?

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EVE: You did.

ADAM: Who lent you his car when yours broke down?

EVE: You did.

ADAM: Who always has a shoulder for you to cry on?

EVE: For heaven’s sake, Adam, what do you want?

ADAM: (Quickly sits in visitor’s chair, leans across desk.) I can’t send the guys back. I’d have to refund their money. If the bank discovers the camp isn’t ready to open they’ll close the place down for good.

EVE: What can I do about it?

ALVA: He wants you to house his young “gentlemen” for a few days.

ADAM: (Eager.) By then the inspector will have given his okay. The bank doesn’t even have to know about the delay.

EVE: (Stands, aghast.) Have you lost your mind?!

ADAM: (Hands together as if in prayer.) Please, please! I’m at your mercy! (WILLARD moans.)

EVE: It’s out of the question.

ADAM: Why? This is your opening week. Only a few girls are here. There’s plenty of room.

ALVA: If Mrs. Thistlemist heard about this...

ADAM: Don’t tell her.

EVE: That would be deceitful.

ADAM: If I lose Camp John Smith, my life is over.

EVE: Don’t be melodramatic.

ADAM: (Drops to his knees, grabs a letter opener from the desk, bares his chest and tries to hand EVE the “knife.” The hammy actor.) Go on, Eve, cut my heart out and toss it on the campfire with the marshmallows. You might as well. I’m finished if you don’t help me.

EVE: It isn’t up to me. The Indian Maidens have to be considered.

WILLARD: (Sits up.) They’re good people. I know most of them. Let’s put it to a vote.

ALVA: Vote?

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EVE: If we put it to a vote, you’ll be disappointed.

ADAM: I’ll take the chance.

EVE: Every Indian Maiden and counselor would have to agree.

ADAM: Anything!

EVE: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You’ll have to abide by the decision.

ADAM: (Still on his knees, he “walks” to EVE, takes her hand and slavishly kisses it. ALVA MOVES from the office INTO PATHWAY C, CENTER.) Thank you, Eve! Thank you!

EVE: Stop that, Adam. Behave. (Delighted that things seem to be going his way, ADAM sits up like a happy, playful dog, hands held like paws, pants.) You’re incorrigible. (She EXITS RIGHT, MOVES beside ALVA, who blows a whistle... three loud calls.)

ADAM: Come on, Willard. We’re not out of the woods yet. (They hurry from the office, move beside ALVA, who gives another three calls on the whistle. THEODORA trots IN from UP LEFT with a watermelon or melon under her arm. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] She is eating a slice. She moves to bench, sits as CINDY, SYLVIA, KATE, SMUDGE, VIVIAN, HILDEGARD and ADDITIONAL GIRL CAMPERS crowd IN from DOWN RIGHT. JENNY, the cook, wearing a white apron and chef’s hat, also ENTERS.)

AD LIBS: What’s up?Too early for dinner.Do we get a movie tonight?I want to go for a swim.(Etc.)

EVE: (Hands up for attention.) Indian Maidens of Camp Pocahontas... (CAMPERS slap their mouths with open palms and make the “war whoop” sound.) Most of you know Adam Apple from Camp John Smith. (Scattered applause.) He has a little problem. John Smith won’t be ready for occupancy for a few days and...

ADAM: (Interrupts.) The point is, my “gentlemen” need a place to stay. Since Camp Pocahontas is so close and has plenty of empty cabins, I thought they might live here until John Smith is ready.

WILLARD: That’ll be in no time. Day or two at the most.

EVE: I’ve already explained to Mr. Apple that I don’t think it’s a wise idea, but I will accept the opinion of the staff and the present campers.

CINDY: I think it’s a wonderful idea, Eve.

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SYLVIA: Camp Pocahontas... co-ed! (CAMPERS applaud.)

EVE: Smudge?

SMUDGE: The camp is less than fifty percent occupied this week. I’m sure we’ll all stay out of each other’s hair.

WILLARD: (Rubs his hands gleefully.) Good. That’s settled!

EVE: Hardly. What is your opinion, Hildegard?

HILDEGARD: (Steps from crowd.) The idea is ridiculous. Mrs. Thistlemist would never approve. I absolutely refuse to go along.

CAMPERS: Oh, no! (Ad libs.)Have a heart, Hildegard!It’s only for a few days!(Etc.)

WILLARD: (Hand to head.) I don’t feel so good, Adam.

VIVIAN: (Steps forward.) Surely, Hildegard, you’ll reconsider.

HILDEGARD: (Surprised.) Vhat?

VIVIAN: (Smiles.) I’m certain Mrs. Thistlemist will approve. (Pointedly.) When she finds out about Eve’s good deed.

HILDEGARD: (Gets VIVIAN’S point. EVE could get into trouble with this co-ed action.) Vell, I don’t vish to be the only von out of step. (Pause.) I, too, agree.

EVE: What?!

ADAM: Unanimous! (Applause, cheers, etc.)

WILLARD: It’s all settled... good!

ADAM: (Blows a whistle. ALL simmer down. Announces.) Pocahontas... meet John Smith! (He gestures DOWN LEFT as a mob [SEE PRODUCTION NOTES.] of lads from Camp John Smith push in. They are disheveled, undisciplined, almost a rabble. They wear everything from baggy walking shorts to skin diving outfits. One carries an inflated inner tube. One wears a snorkel mask. Another carries luggage and wears an absurd hat, sunglasses, etc. Instead of being appalled, the Pocahontas CAMPERS are delighted with the new arrivals. They jump up and down, cheering, yelling, applauding, etc. The “gentlemen” from John Smith return the compliment. EVE and ALVA, naturally, are about to pass out. What have they gotten themselves into?! MUSIC: The Gentlemen of John Smith.)

BOYS: (Sing.) Here we come from across de lake.

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Feelin’ crazy, feelin’ great,Like the typhoon, we’ve arrived,The gentlemen of John Smith.Thank you for your kind invitation,You’ll get our cooperation.We promise to be good,The gentlemen of John Smith.Dapper and dashing,Handsome and debonair,Dreamboats and heartthrobs,The gentlemen of John Smith...yeah!(Eyeing the girls, the boys make cat calls and rowdy noises.)

EVE: (Sings.) Welcome to our humble home,Just leave the girls alone.If you don’t, then you’ll be gone,“Gentlemen of John Smith.”

ADAM: (Sings.) Don’t worry unnecessarily,Gentlemen are we...

BOYS: (Shout obnoxiously.) RIGHT!

ADAM: (Sings.) We will be the perfect guests,The gentlemen of John Smith.

BOYS: (Shout obnoxiously.) YEAH!

ADAM/BOYS: (Sing.) Dapper and dashing,Handsome and debonair,Dreamboats and heartthrobs,The gentlemen of John Smith.

BOYS: (Grunt.) Ugh!

GIRLS: (With much interest. Sing.)We’re glad you’re here at Camp Pocahontas.Give a shout if you ever want us.We’ll be right there to help“The Gentlemen of John Smith.”(Swooning over the boys.) Dapper and dashing,Handsome and debonair,Dreamboats and heartthrobs,The gentlemen of John Smith.(DANCE INTERLUDE between BOYS and GIRLS.)

ADAM/BOYS: (Sing.) ALVA/HILDEGARD/GIRLS: (Sing.)Here we come from Dapper and dashing,

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across de lake, Feelin’ crazy, feelin’ great. Handsome and debonaire,Like the typhoon we’ve arrived Dreamboats and heartthrobs,The gentlemen of John Smith. The gentlemen of John Smith.

Dapper and dashing, We’re glad you’re here at Camp Pocahontas.Handsome and debonair, Give a shout if you ever want us.Dreamboats and heartthrobs, We’ll be right there to help

BOYS: (Sing.) The gentlemen of John...

GIRLS: (Sing.) Gentlemen of John...

ALL: (Sing.) Gentlemen of John Smith!

ALL:  (Shout.) Yeah!

BLACKOUTEnd of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

SETTING: The same. In the blackness, SOUND of BIRDS chirping, followed by the insistent ringing of the telephone.

AT RISE: It is the next day. LIGHTS DIM UP to suggest another sunny day. EVE hurries INTO the office.

EVE: Hold on. I’m on my way. (Another ring.) Here I am. (Picks up receiver.) Camp Pocahontas. (Makes war whoop sound.) Oh, good morning, Mrs. Thistlemist! I thought you were traveling in Texas. Didn’t you say you were going to check on some oil properties? (Listens.) You’re in New York? New York! No, no, nothing’s wrong with New York. It’s soooooo close, that’s all I meant. (EVE listens. She is worried.) Coming up for a visit, you say? A visit! (ALVA ENTERS tent, sits on cot as EVE continues conversation. EVE shoots her a pained expression, covers mouthpiece, hushed tone.) It’s Mrs. Thistlemist!

ALVA: Yipes!

EVE: (Listens.) Yes, Mrs. Thistlemist, I’m still here. (Listens.) I sound funny? (Lies.) I’ve got a touch of hay fever. (Fakes a sneeze.) Why don’t you stay in New York a little longer. I know you like the city, and you must have some shopping to do. (Hand over mouthpiece.) I hope. (Back to conversation, listens.) You’ll be here the first of next week? We’ll look forward to your visit. Oh, where are you

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staying? (EVE picks up pencil, writes.) Mrs. Thistlemist... Waldorf Hotel... Suite 505... Manhattan... (Writes some more.) Yes, I’m writing the number down. Goodbye, Mrs. Thistlemist. Nice talking with you. Enjoy your shopping. (Hangs up receiver. ALVA jumps to her feet. ADAM ENTERS from DOWN LEFT into tent.)

ALVA: What are we going to do?

EVE: John Smith gets his walking papers.

ADAM: Did I hear the name of John Smith?

EVE: You’re just the one I want to see.

ADAM: (He plops into visitor’s chair.) You’re steamed up about something. You ought to try meditation.

EVE: Never mind the dime advice.

ALVA: Do you know who that was on the telephone?

ADAM: Let me think. (Pause.) I’ve got it. Dialing-For-Dollars.

ALVA: Mrs. Thistlemist.

ADAM: So?

EVE: She’ll be here the first of the week.

ADAM: What’s wrong with that? She owns the place. She ought to feel free to come and go whenever she wants.

EVE: (Folding her arms, tapping her foot.) That’s hardly the point.

ADAM: (Not too interested.) Then what is the point?

ALVA: You’ve got to get your boys out of here.

ADAM: You can’t throw us out! We haven’t got any place to go.

EVE: You can camp in the woods.

ADAM: I’m afraid of bears.

ALVA: We’re all going to be in the soup if Mrs. Thistlemist finds out what’s been going on.

ADAM: Speaking of soup, someone should speak to your cook. The soup tastes like gravy, and the gravy tastes like rice pudding.

EVE: Why don’t you give up the summer camp life? You ought to finish your college education. All you do is take the money you make during the summer and bum through the winter. Six college credits a year—what a joke!

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ALVA: At the rate you’re going, you’ll have a bachelor’s degree by the year two thousand twenty!

EVE: You’re lazy.

ADAM: What’s wrong with being lazy? It’s an honorable profession.

ALVA: Spoken like a true member of Camp John Smith, the only camp with rowboats that sank three years ago.

ADAM: Dry rot.

EVE: You can stay a day longer, but that’s it.

ALVA: Why did you ever let it go to a vote?

EVE: Because I never dreamed the vote would be unanimous... in favor of them staying!

ADAM: As soon as the state inspector gives the okay, Camp John Smith is out of your way.

ALVA: When will that be?

ADAM: Willard and some of the boys went across the lake after breakfast. They’re cleaning up the place now.

EVE: The only thing Willard ever cleaned up was a dinner plate.

ADAM: (Shift in mood.) How about a canoe ride, Eve? Doesn’t that sound romantic?

EVE: No.

ADAM: That’s cold.

EVE: That’s where we’re all going to be if things get any more complicated. Out in the cold!

ALVA: I know it sounds crazy, but Theodora said she saw a buffalo in the boat house.

EVE: Buffalo! Alva, could you please go check? (ALVA hurries OUT, EXITS UP RIGHT and OFF. ADAM laughs.)

EVE: I don’t suppose you’d know anything about it?

ADAM: What makes you think I’d know anything about a buffalo?

EVE: It’s the sort of thing your camp is noted for... stupid pranks.

ADAM: Why is everyone so hard on John Smith?

EVE: Face it, Adam. It’s Looneytoonville. Your delinquents can’t get in anywhere else.

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ADAM: I resent that.

EVE: I resent shaving cream in my sleeping bag!

ADAM: I thought that was rather clever.

EVE: And I resent my underwear up a flagpole!

ADAM: That’s very traditional.

EVE: And we all resent a buffalo in the boat house!

ADAM: Come on, there’s nothing wrong with a little fun. (MUSIC: Stupid Pranks.)

EVE: (Speaks.) You and your hoodlums always go too far. (Sings.)Stupid pranks, stupid pranks,Why do boys play stupid pranks?Every summer it’s the same.Stupid, prankish games.Stupid pranks, stupid pranks,And we have your boys to thank.Don’t know where or when,Your precious boys will strike again.I remember all those spiders on my shower door,And that awful rubber vomit on my cabin floor.There were frogs in the washer, Tabasco in the soup.Tell me, Mr. Apple, how low will they stoop?

ADAM: (Sings.) Stupid pranks, stupid pranks,What’s the harm in stupid pranks?Why the fuss, why all the noise?Boys will be boys.Stupid pranks make life a thrill,And you have my boys to thank.They do it all for you,So just enjoy a prank or two.

EVE: (Sings, with growing frustration.) Mr. Apple, you’re not listening, I detest those games.Like the time they starched my panty hose And put them in a frame,Then hung it in the dining hall underneath my name.Come now, Mr. Apple, I don’t need that kind of fame!

ADAM: (Sings, ignoring EVE.) Stupid pranks, stupid pranks,And you have my boys to thank.Just relax and smell the air.Isn’t summer great?

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EVE: (Sings, annoyed.) Stupid pranks, stupid pranks,Pardon me if I’m a crank,But if your boys don’t settle down,One or more may drown!

EVE/ADAM: (Sing, softer.) Stupid pranks, stupid pranks,

EVE: (Sings.) And I have...

ADAM: (Sings.) And you have...

EVE: (Sings.) Your boys...

ADAM: (Sings.) My boys...

EVE/ADAM: (Sing.) To thank.

ADAM: (At end of song.) Before I forget, there was a telephone call Alva in the mess hall.

EVE: Who was it?

ADAM: Some guy named Elmer. Said he’d call back.

EVE: Oh, O.K. Well, let’s see about that buffalo in the boathouse. (She EXITS RIGHT and OFF, UP RIGHT. ADAM follows her.)

ADAM: Don’t get me wrong, Eve. I appreciate everything you and Alva are doing, honest. (As he makes his EXIT, WILLARD ENTERS DOWN LEFT with JOE, LARRY. They look exhausted.)

WILLARD: That’s hard work... emptying trash.

LOWER: Sweeping out cabins.

JOE: Washing windows.

WILLARD: That’s why I think it’s a better idea to rest up today and do all that cleaning tomorrow.

LARRY: Good thinking.

JOE: Tomorrow is always better for work.

LARRY: With any luck it’ll rain. (CINDY and SYLVIA ENTER DOWN RIGHT. SYLVIA carries a volleyball.)

CINDY: Mornin’.

LARRY/JOE: (Wave. Sing-song.) Mornin’.

SYLVIA: Cindy and I thought we’d like to play some volleyball. How about you gentlemen? Care to join us?

LARRY: Sounds good!

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CINDY: Camp Pocahontas is much more interesting now that it’s co-ed.

SYLVIA: I think it would be wonderful if you never got your permit to open.

WILLARD: (Shocked at the possibility.) Don’t say that! Don’t even think it! (VIVIAN ENTERS from UP RIGHT, ENTERS office, checks some bulletin.)

LARRY: We gonna play volleyball or not?

JOE: Let’s go.

CINDY: We’ll jog! (CINDY and SYLVIA turn RIGHT, race their feet up and down in preparation for a jog.)

CINDY/SYLVIA: (Chant.) Camp Pocahontas, we love you.Camp Pocahontas, you’re true blue!Tomahawk, tomahawk... (They give war whoop and jog OFF, DOWN RIGHT. LARRY and JOE also give the war whoop, race after the MAIDENS.)

WILLARD: (ENTERS the office.) Pssst.

VIVIAN: (Steps to desk.) You’re not hissing at me, are you?

WILLARD: You seen Adam Apple?

VIVIAN: (Cooly.) No. I haven’t. (As they converse, VIVIAN’S glance wanders to the desk top, sees EVE’S memo on MRS. THISTLEMIST.)

WILLARD: If you run into Adam, tell him Willard has to see him.

VIVIAN: I doubt if I’ll see him. We don’t travel in the same circles.

WILLARD: You ought to smile more. You’ve got a pretty face. I’ll get a smile out of you.

VIVIAN: You couldn’t get a smile out of a laughing hyena.

WILLARD: Yeah? How’s this... why are flowers so lazy?

VIVIAN: (Flatly.) Because they’re always in bed. (HILDEGARD ENTERS PATHWAY A from UP RIGHT.)

WILLARD: (Disappointed.) You heard it, huh?

VIVIAN: When I was about four years old.

WILLARD: Did you hear about the kid who was so dumb he looked for eggs in a...

VIVIAN: Cuckoo clock. I heard that one when I was three.

WILLARD: Give me some credit. I dream up most of my material.

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VIVIAN: How you must dread going to bed. Get lost. (Enraged, WILLARD clenches his fists and grits his teeth. He goes into a temper tantrum, races his feet faster and faster like a machine about to take off. When he’s worked up full steam, he races from the tent LEFT, INTO PATHWAY B and OFF, UP LEFT, howling.)

HILDEGARD: (ENTERS the office in time to watch WILLARD’S bizarre departure.) That young man should be in an asylum.

VIVIAN: As far as I’m concerned he is... Camp Pocahontas.

HILDEGARD: It is Camp John Smith that is the asylum. Such a place! No vonder the authorities vish to shut it down. I think ve make a big mistake by agreeing to Adam Apple’s vish.

VIVIAN: Ve... I mean, we... have to be practical. Once Mrs. Thistlemist discovers what Eve Hunnicutt has done, she’ll be out and you’ll be in.

HILDEGARD: I have a right to run this camp. I vas here first.

VIVIAN: (Not too interested.) Yes, yes, you’ve told me a few hundred times. (DUMM ENTERS from DOWN LEFT. He’s studying an 8x10 photo, stands in front of PATHWAY B.)

HILDEGARD: Young people like Eve Hunnicutt are not qualified.

VIVIAN: I’m only interested in one thing. Getting out. When my aunt finds out about John Smith, she’ll pull me from here so fast it’ll make the dust spin.

HILDEGARD: But Miss Thistlemist is traveling. We have no vay to reach her.

VIVIAN: (Holds up slip of paper.) Think so?

HILDEGARD: Vhat’s that?

VIVIAN: You’ll find out. Better get out of here. We shouldn’t be seen talking to each other.

HILDEGARD: Ja. That is vise. (HILDEGARD EXITS RIGHT, Moves INTO PATHWAY C. VIVIAN checks the phone number on the slip of paper, dials.)

DUMM: Hey, Hildegard.

HILDEGARD: Vhat is it?

DUMM: I’m still looking for my runaway. Seen anything of her?

HILDEGARD: Vhat is her name?

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DUMM: Kate Millfloss. Abandoned her car down the road. Out of gas. I had it towed away. (As DUMM talks, KATE sneaks in from DOWN LEFT, ducks behind the bench, out of sight. Inside the office, VIVIAN turns her back from audience, carries on phone conversation... presumably with MRS. THISTLEMIST.)

HILDEGARD: (Steps to him.) You think, maybe, this runaway has come to Camp Pocahontas?

DUMM: Her family said she didn’t have much money with her and I figure she’s hungry by now. This would be a good place to steal food and hide out. Here’s her picture. (He hands it to HILDEGARD. KATE sticks her head up from behind the bench, horrified. She sneaks OUT, DOWN LEFT.)

HILDEGARD: (Studies picture.) Hmmmmm.

DUMM: Seen her around?

HILDEGARD: This is not a good photograph.

DUMM: It was taken a few years ago.

HILDEGARD: (Hands it back.) Too dark, difficult to make out features. Hmmmmm. The girl does bear a resemblance to Linda Biddle.

DUMM: I’ll want to see this Linda Biddle. As a matter of fact, I’ll want to see all the girls. One of them might know something.

HILDEGARD: I shall inform the commandant. (Corrects herself. Smiles pleasantly.) I mean Eve Hunnicutt. (She jogs INTO PATHWAY A, EXITS UP RIGHT as THEODORA ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. She’s eating a box of chocolates and has gotten bigger. [NOTE: Consult PRODUCTION NOTES on ideas for accomplishing this visual effect.] DUMM rolls up the photograph and puts it in his back pocket.)

DUMM: Theodora, you eating again?

THEODORA: Just a snack.

DUMM: Your idea of a snack is a banquet. I swear you’ve gotten bigger since I saw you last.

THEODORA: It’s all this fresh air and exercise. (VIVIAN is finished with her phone call. She turns, replaces the receiver, and with a grin of malicious triumph on her face, EXITS RIGHT and OFF, UPSTAGE. JOE ENTERS tent from DOWN RIGHT. Squirrel Bungalow is obviously where he’s bunking. He sits on the edge of the cot and takes off his shirt, shoes and socks. When this is done he goes into the unseen portion of the tent, OFFSTAGE.)

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DUMM: You ought to jog.

THEODORA: I do. All the time. Slowly. (From DOWN LEFT comes what appears to be a moving bush! Actually this is KATE trying to camouflage herself. On her knees she moves closer and closer to the photograph that’s rolled up in DUMM’S back pocket.)

DUMM: You seen any suspicious girls hanging around this place?

THEODORA: Don’t think so. (Offers a candy.) Have a chocolate?

DUMM: I don’t want a chocolate.

THEODORA: They’re good for you. Energy.

DUMM: (Disgruntled.) Oh, all right. (He takes a chocolate, bites into it. A hand reaches from the bush and plucks the rolled-up photograph from DUMM’S pocket. The bush moves OFFSTAGE, DOWN LEFT.) I don’t like this chocolate. It’s got a soft center. All sweet and mushy.

THEODORA: Like me. (She giggles.)

DUMM: (Returns the half-eaten chocolate, rummages around for something more tasty.) You got any caramel? I’m partial to caramel.

THEODORA: (Checks selection.) That one, I think. (She points to one. DUMM takes it, bites into it, makes a face.)

DUMM: Nope. That was pistachio. Can’t stand pistachio. (Returns half-eaten candy.) Here, take a look at this photograph.

THEODORA: Happy to.

DUMM: (Slaps at his back pocket.) It’s gone!

THEODORA: The photograph?

DUMM: (Checks pockets.) Where could it have gone?

THEODORA: When did you have it last?

DUMM: A moment ago. I was showing it to Hildegard. (Pauses.) Maybe I only thought I took it back. Maybe Hildegard took it.

THEODORA: Maybe. (DUMM goes to PATHWAY A, EXITS UP RIGHT as IVAN ENTERS DOWN LEFT. He’s dressed in outrageous sloppy fashion. THEODORA flirts.) It’s fun having you boys staying over here.

IVAN: It’s better than staying over there. At Camp John Smith, no water.

THEODORA: You could always bathe in Lake Lookeeloo.

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IVAN: Who wants to bathe? You can’t make Kool-Aid without water... that’s the problem.

THEODORA: Have a chocolate.

IVAN: Don’t mind if I do. (He sticks in a greedy hand and comes out with several chocolates which he promptly stuffs into his mouth.)

THEODORA: Don’t tell me your name. I’ll get it in a minute. (Pause.) You’re Joe.

IVAN: Nope.

THEODORA: You’re Larry.

IVAN: Nope.

THEODORA: What is your name?

IVAN: Ivan.

THEODORA: What’s your last name?

IVAN: Terrible. That’s what everyone calls me... Ivan the Terrible.

THEODORA: Why?

IVAN: (Beats his chest like an ape.) Because I’m terrible!!! (Roars like Tarzan. JOE comes from the back of the tent, now wearing a skin-diving mask, snorkel, flippers. He looks like an aquatic beast from some forgotten pre-historic lagoon. He can’t see too well and because of the flippers he walks like an upright seal! He steps clumsily from the tent, EXITS DOWN RIGHT. Neither THEODORA nor IVAN notice. CINDY and SYLVIA ENTER DOWN RIGHT.)

CINDY: (On overhearing IVAN.) What was that noise?

SYLVIA: Sounds like Ivan the Terrible. (To IVAN.) They ought to call you Ivan the Kook!

IVAN: I don’t have to stay here and be insulted. I can go anywhere. (He EXITS.)

CINDY: Ivan the Terrible! What a character!

THEODORA: He’s flaky... but I kinda like him. (EVE, followed by ALVA, ENTERS PATHWAY A from UP RIGHT and INTO tent.)

EVE: Alva. (ALVA steps to microphone and blows three short blasts on a whistle, steps back. EVE takes the mike, gives a war whoop.) Attention, attention! All Camp Pocahontas Maidens will assemble in front of the nerve center immediately. Repeat ... immediately. (ALVA steps RIGHT to office “doorway,” blows whistle loudly three times.) What are you doing?

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ALVA: The microphone isn’t working.

EVE: I forgot. Again. (DUMM ENTERS from UP RIGHT and INTO office. VIVIAN and HILDEGARD ENTER DOWN RIGHT.)

DUMM: Still can’t find my photograph.

ALVA: What photograph?

DUMM: The runaway.

ALVA: She’s not here at Camp Pocahontas, I’m certain.

DUMM: Doesn’t hurt to check.

EVE: We’ll go outside and see if anything turns up. (EVE EXITS office LEFT. DUMM and ALVA follow after her. SMUDGE ENTERS DOWN LEFT. EVE and DUMM move in front of office by THEODORA. ALVA moves in between DUMM and SMUDGE. The lineup across the stage, from DOWN RIGHT to DOWN LEFT should read as follows: HILDEGARD, VIVIAN, SYLVIA, CINDY, THEODORA, EVE, DUMM, ALVA, SMUDGE. Other GIRL CAMPERS ENTER from various spots and are to the RIGHT or LEFT of the lineup.)

AD LIBS: What’s the haps?Dinner so soon?I wonder what’s going on?(Etc.)

SYLVIA: What’s all this about?

CINDY: Must be something important. The police are here.

EVE: Officer Dummy needs some assistance.

DUMM: (Frowns.) That’s Officer Dumm.

EVE: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. (To CAMPERS.) Officer Dumm is searching for a runaway.

DUMM: She abandoned her father’s car down the road. I figure this would be a logical place for her to hide.

SMUDGE: Did you try Camp John Smith?

DUMM: (Child-like.) I don’t like to go over there. No one likes me over there. They don’t treat me nice. (Professional tone.) I’m hoping you Maidens might have seen a girl acting suspicious.

EVE: I can vouch for each and every one of these young women. A few of the girls are swimming, and I suspect some are off hiking...

DUMM: Hildegard, you said the picture I lost resembled someone here at camp.

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HILDEGARD: Ja. Biddle.

DUMM: Ja Biddle who?

SMUDGE: That would be Linda Biddle, a sweet country child.

DUMM: Where is she?

EVE: She’s probably here. (Looks RIGHT.) Linda? (Looks LEFT.) Linda?

CINDY/SYLVIA: Linda... where are you?

KATE: Here I am, Eve. Here I am! (She runs DOWN PATHWAY B and pushes her way IN between EVE and THEODORA. In an attempt to disguise herself so no one will realize she isn’t LINDA, KATE has wrapped her face in white bandaging. Ditto her legs and hands. Consult PRODUCTION NOTES about KATE’S appearance in this scene.)

ALVA: Good heavens! Is that you, Linda?

KATE: (Curtsies.) Yes, ma’am.

CINDY: You look like an Egyptian mummy unraveling.

SMUDGE: What’s happened to you, Linda?

KATE: Ivy.

DUMM: Ivy? Ivy who? (MUSIC: Poison Ivy Blues.)

KATE: (Speaks.) Poison Ivy. (Sings.)My parents had this great idea to send me away.Two weeks in summer camp to frolic and play.They never once told me to stay out of the woods.Now it looks like I’ve got it and I’ve... got it good!I got the Poison Ivy,Poison Ivy Blues.I’ve got the heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie,Poison Ivy Blues.I woke up this morning, I was itchin’ real bad.Couldn’t help scratchin’, didn’t know what I had.I ran to the mirror, took a look at my face,There were big red blotches all over the place.I got the Poison Ivy,Poison Ivy Blues.I got the heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie,Poison Ivy Blues.(Speaks.) When I heard I was going to summer camp, I started packing. I thought I had everything... (Sings.)I brought a hairbrush, toothbrush, ribbons and comb,Hairspray, bug spray, my own telephone.

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CAMPER ONE: (Sings.) Nail clippers, toe clippers, soap and shampoo.

CAMPER TWO: (Sings.) Blow dryer, curling iron, Dippidy-doo.

KATE: (Sings.) I packed everything that a girl should pack.Somebody, please, scratch my back!I brought toothpaste,

CAMPER ONE: (Sings.) Deodorant,

CAMPER THREE: (Sings.) Kleenex and mousse.

ALL GIRL CAMPERS: (Sing.) But we forgot one thing that really cooked our goose.Now we itch to the left, we itch to the right.We itch all day and we itch all night.

KATE: (Sings.) I can’t sit still, my whole body’s in motion.

ALL GIRL CAMPERS: (Sing.) How could we forget the calamine lotion?! (BOY CAMPERS ENTER from various parts of the stage, itching and singing.)

ALL BOY CAMPERS: (Sing.) Poison Ivy,Poison Ivy Blues.I got the heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie,Poison Ivy Blues.

GIRL/BOY CAMPERS: (Sing.) Itch, itch, itch, scratch, scratchScratch, scratch, scratch, itch, itchTickle, tickle, rub, scratch,Rub, tickle, rub, tickle, rub rub rub,Scratch, scratch, itch, rub, tickle, tickle, rub itchscratch!

CHORUS ONE: (Campers/Adults.) CHORUS TWO: (Campers/Adults.) I got the... Poison Ivy, Ivy Blues, Itch, itch, itch, scratch, scratch, Poison Ivy, Ivy Blues, Scratch, scratch, scratch, itch, itch, Poison Ivy, Ivy Blues, Tickle, tickle, rub, scratch, Poison Ivy, Ivy Blues, Rub, tickle, rub, tickle, rub rub rub, I got the... Heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie Scratch, scratch, itch, rub, Poison Ivy Blues! Tickle, tickle, rub, itch, scratch!

ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) We got the

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Heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie,Poison Ivy... Heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie,Eatin’ me alivey,Heebie-jeebie, creepy-crawlie,Poison...

KATE: (Sings.) Ivy...

ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) Blues!(At end of song, there is a communal yelp. Poison ivy at summer camp is to be avoided like the plague. No one wants to take any chances of getting it.)

AD LIBS: Poison Ivy!I’m getting out of here!Don’t stand close!Run!Don’t walk!Poison Ivy, ugh!(Etc. KATE stays DOWN CENTER, OTHERS make escapes DOWN RIGHT, UP RIGHT, DOWN LEFT, UP LEFT. KATE scratches.)

BLACKOUTEnd of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

SETTING: The same. Next afternoon. The tent, RIGHT, is now the home base for JOE, LARRY and IVAN. It’s a roaring mess. Laundry is strung up on a rope. A pair of long johns, hats, sweat socks, swimsuits, underwear. Perhaps there’s a boombox on the floor with scattered CDs around it. A TV set. A dilapidated chair has been added, maybe a poster. There are paper plates here and there that once held food, a trash barrel, etc. Squirrel Bungalow (the tent) has become a... Disaster Area!

AT RISE: JOE, LARRY, IVAN ENTER from DOWN LEFT. They carry fishing poles. Behind them are CINDY, SYLVIA.

JOE: Great day for fishing!

LARRY: I’m going to land a sailfish.

IVAN: I’m after tuna.

CINDY: Waaaaaaaa? (On the “sound” the boys stop.)

JOE: What’s the matter with you?

LARRY: Indigestion or something?

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IVAN: I wouldn’t be surprised considering the food we get in this place.

JENNY: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. She wears her white apron and chef’s cap, carries a frying pan like a weapon.) I heard that. (Glowers.) What’s the matter with the food in this place?

JOE: (Sheepishly.) Who said anything was the matter?

JENNY: You boys haven’t done anything but complain since you arrived. Don’t tell me you get better food at Camp John Smith. I know the menu there. Cornflakes and hot chocolate for breakfast. Baloney and mayonnaise for lunch and chili for supper. In between you stuff yourselves with Hostess cupcakes, candy, popcorn and soft drinks.

IVAN: Well, we can’t help it. We’re addicted to junk food.

JOE: If I don’t get junk food, my body goes into uncontrollable spasms.

LARRY: Face it. (MUSIC: Junk Food Junkie. Speaks.) We’re “junk food junkies.” (Sings.)I’m a junk food junkie and I eat what I like.When it comes to eatin’ junk, I’ll never go on strike.I like double cheeseburgers, with a side of fries,Greasy lookin’ pepperoni pizza pies.I like onion rings, nachos ’n’ salty chips,Jalepeño peppers, pass the dip.I like to eat it while it’s hot, but I’ll eat it when it’s cold,I’ll eat it when it’s fresh, and I’ll...

LARRY/JOE/IVAN: (Sing.) Eat it when it’s old!

LARRY: (Sings.) I’m a J-U-N-K-I-E,

LARRY/JOE/IVAN: (Sing.) JUNKIE!

LARRY: (Sings.) J-U-N-K-I-E,

LARRY/JOE/IVAN: (Sing.) JUNKIE!

LARRY: (Sings.) J-U-N-K-I-E,

LARRY/JOE/IVAN: (Sing.) JUNKIE!A junk food junkie!

JOE: (Sings.) Don’t gimme no talk about cholesterol,I like greasy fried ribs the best of all.Gimme hot dogs, pop, baloney on white,Gotta have a little fat in every bite.Keep your one-a-day vitamins, ’n’ keep your fish,Keep your veggies and your tofu off my dish.

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Don’t talk about broccoli or carrot sticks,This boy will never be on any...

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) Health food kick!

JOE: (Sings.) I’m a J-U-N-K-I-E,

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) JUNKIE!

JOE: (Sings.) J-U-N-K-I-E,

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) JUNKIE!

JOE: (Sings.) J-U-N-K-I-E,

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) JUNKIE!A junk food junkie!

IVAN: (Sings.) I don’t eat to live, ya know I live to eat,I love fast food joints and...

IVAN/LARRY/JOE: (Sing.) Anything sweet!

IVAN: (Sings.) Gimme cookies ’n’ ice cream ’n’ candy bars,Jelly-filled donuts and chocolate stars.Marshmallow, whipped cream, puddin’-filled cake,And to top it all off I’ll have a...

IVAN/LARRY/JOE: (Sing.) Big thick shake!

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m a fast food fanatic, one in a crowd. I’m a

IVAN/LARRY/JOE: (Sing.) Junk food graduate, tall ’n’ proud!

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m a J-U-N-K-I-E,

IVAN/LARRY/JOE: (Sing.) JUNKIE!

IVAN: (Sings.) J-U-N-K-I-E,

IVAN/LARRY/JOE: (Sing.) JUNKIE!

IVAN: (Sings.) J-U-N-K-I-E,

IVAN/LARRY/JOE: (Sing.) JUNKIE!A junk food junkie!A junk... food... A J-U-N-K... I EAT JUNK FOOD, JUNKIE!

IVAN: (At end of song.) That’s what I call home cooking!

SYLVIA: (To CINDY.) Ivan even likes terrible food!

CINDY: Figures. (From their tones and expressions, it’s plain the MAIDENS have become disenchanted with the BOYS.)

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JENNY: I’ll be glad to see the last of you characters.

IVAN: You’ll get to like us after a while.

LARRY: We grow on people.

JENNY: (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) So do warts. (JENNY’S OUT. CINDY and SYLVIA laugh.)

CINDY: We thought it would be pleasant going co-ed. But it isn’t. All you want to do is rough-house and play your radios all night long. Besides everything else... you’re slobs.

SYLVIA: You’re boring, too.

BOYS: Slobs? Boring?

SYLVIA: You’re so immature.

JOE: How can you say that?

CINDY: It’s easy.

SYLVIA: Like going fishing for tuna in Lake Lookeeloo. There’s no tuna fish in that water.

IVAN: That’s what you think! Yesterday I caught six cans! (BOYS laugh. Jog UP PATHWAY A and OFF. CINDY and SYLVIA MOVE DOWN CENTER.)

CINDY: We never should have voted to let them come here.

SYLVIA: Those food fights across the ping-pong table!

BOTH: Reeeee-pulsive!

MR. TERWILLITER: (Wanders IN from DOWN LEFT looking lost, as usual.) I beg your pardon?

CINDY: Why?

SYLVIA: What have you done?

MR. TERWILLITER: Oh, I haven’t done anything. Yet. I’m supposed to make out a report on Camp John Smith for the trustees.

CINDY: You’re in the wrong place.

MR. TERWILLITER: Yes, I know. You see, when I went over to Camp John Smith yesterday, I couldn’t find Adam Apple. Today, when I returned, a young man told me Apple was staying over here.

SYLVIA: How could he be staying over here? This is a girls’ camp.

MR. TERWILLITER: I know that. A fine girls’ camp. Excellent reputation.

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But the young man who was picking up all the old sardine cans and comic books said Adam Apple was here.

SYLVIA: He made a mistake.

MR. TERWILLITER: He did? Tsk, tsk.

SYLVIA: If you go back, you’ll find your Adam Apple.

MR. TERWILLITER: (Takes out handkerchief, wipes his forehead.) Oh dear. Such a long hike back.

CINDY: You could take a canoe.

MR. TERWILLITER: I can?

CINDY: Yes, you canoe. I mean, you can.

SYLVIA: Down by the boathouse.

MR. TERWILLITER: Uh, which way to the boathouse?

SYLVIA: (Points DOWN RIGHT.) Straight ahead.

MR. TERWILLITER: Thank you. You’re very helpful. (He walks DOWN RIGHT, stops.) You haven’t seen anything of a buffalo in these parts, have you?

CINDY: Not since yesterday.

MR. TERWILLITER: (Dismayed.) Oh, my. Then there really is a buffalo. (EXITS.)

CINDY: Why didn’t you tell him the truth? Adam Apple IS staying here.

SYLVIA: We all vowed not to say a word.

CINDY: I’m going to be happy when those madmen are gone.

SYLVIA: They’re barbarians. That’s what they are. (As they talk, THEODORA jogs IN slowly UP LEFT. She has gotten larger!)

THEODORA: Boy! Do I hate exercise.

CINDY: (Desperately.) You’ve got to slim down, Theodora!

SYLVIA: If you get any bigger, Eve is going to charge you double tuition.

THEODORA: It was a mistake to have raisin toast with breakfast. I can feel the extra weight.

CINDY: Let’s jog over to the hobby tent and sharpen up our beadwork. It’ll take your mind off eating, Theodora.

SYLVIA: You huff.

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CINDY: I’ll puff.

THEODORA: I’ll do both. (They jog OFF, DOWN RIGHT. THEODORA has trouble keeping up. She stops.) A body needs time to re-fuel. (Takes out candy bar, bites into it with wrapper on. ELMER, carrying a large stuffed animal, creeps in DOWN LEFT, an eye guardedly on THEODORA. Hides behind bench. He wears a “loud” jacket. ALVA ENTERS UP RIGHT, ENTERS office. THEODORA sees her, puts candy behind her back. ALVA tidies up the desk.)

ELMER: (Stage whisper.) Hey, miss.

THEODORA: Me?

ELMER: (Steps from behind bench, looks cautiously LEFT and RIGHT.) You know where I can find a young lady named Doright?

THEODORA: You mean Alva Doright?

ELMER: Yeah, Alva.

THEODORA: (Points to office.) I just saw her go in there.

ELMER: Do me a favor. Ask her to come out here, will you? It’s important. Matter of life and death.

THEODORA: It’s okay for you to go into the office.

ELMER: No, no. I want to talk to her on the outside, in the open. I don’t like to be closed in.

THEODORA: (Shrugs.) If you say so. (She goes into office. HILDEGARD jogs INTO PATHWAY A, Across FORESTAGE and DOWN LEFT. Frightened, ELMER ducks behind the bench.)

HILDEGARD: (As she jogs.) Camp Pocahontas, ve love you.Camp Pocahontas, you’re true blue!Tomahawk, tomahawk... (War whoop. She’s OUT.)

THEODORA: You got a visitor, Alva.

ALVA: Who is it?

THEODORA: Dunno. He’s carrying a big stuffed toy.

ALVA: Big stuffed toy?

THEODORA: Like you win in a carnival.

ALVA: Carnival?

THEODORA: Wearing a crazy-looking jacket.

ALVA: Crazy-looking jacket?

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THEODORA: (Looks about.) Must be an echo in here.

ALVA: Did he say what he wants?

THEODORA: (Munching.) Says he wants to talk to you. Outside.

ALVA: (Sees candy.) Theodora, not again! You’re eating candy!

THEODORA: My last bar. Honest.

ALVA: At least remove the wrapper? (EXITS, looks for visitor. THEODORA, munching, EXITS UP RIGHT.)

ELMER: (Head up from behind bench.) Psst. Alva. Over here.

ALVA: (Looks to bench.) Who’s there?

ELMER: (Stands.) It’s me. Your cousin. Elmer.

ALVA: I thought it was you. Can’t you ever finish a phone call?

ELMER: (Afraid.) Sshhh. Quiet. (Motions.) Come over this way.

ALVA: (Crosses.) What are you doing here?

ELMER: (Steps in front of bench.) Sshhh. Someone might be listening. This was the only place we could think of.

ALVA: We?

ELMER: Cleopatra and me.

ALVA: Cleopatra who?

ELMER: Not who, Nile. Cleopatra Nile, the snake charmer. We work together. (Calls OFF LEFT.) Psst. Cleopatra. (Steps DOWN LEFT, OFFSTAGE, returns pulling CLEOPATRA by the hand.) Cleopatra, this is my cousin, Alva Doright. Alva, meet Cleopatra Nile.

CLEOPATRA: Pleased to meetcha, Alva. (She looks vaguely “Egyptian,” eye makeup, gown, neckpiece, wig. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] She carries a small basket. As they talk, IVAN ENTERS tent from DOWN RIGHT, finds a can of warm pop, plops into chair, shakes can, opens it, delights in the spray. Guzzles, tosses can over his shoulder. EXITS into OFFSTAGE portion of the tent.)

ALVA: Elmer, are you in some kind of trouble?

ELMER: I am.

CLEOPATRA: (Points to stuffed animal.) Because of that.

ALVA: What are you talking about?

ELMER: (Nervously.) Ever hear of Clams Marinara?

ALVA: I don’t like Clams Marinara. Too spicy.

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ELMER: (MUSIC: Clams Marinara. Speaks.) I don’t mean Clams Marinara like you eat. I mean Clams Marinara like the gangster. (Sings.)Clams Marinara is a ruthless thug.He walks on people like he walks on a rug.A man to avoid, a man to dread.If you don’t watch out you could wind up dead.

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) He’s a gangland hoodlum, wears a pin-striped suit.The man has clout and plenty of loot.He’s a little bit crazy, he’s real bad news.Cross him and you’ll end up wearin’ cement shoes.

ELMER: (Sings.) Clams Marinara will fill you with terror,

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) You better beware-a,

ELMER: (Sings.) He never plays fair-a,

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) And doesn’t even care-a,

ELMER: (Sings.) Cross him if you dare-a,

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) He’ll give you a scare-a,

BOTH: (Sing.) Clams Marinara is a low-down dude!

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) He’s a gangster with a record ’bout a mile long.A killin’ machine, tough and strong.

ELMER: (Sings.) He’s a living carbon copy of Al Capone.They say he’s made more widows than a graveyard has stones.

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) Clams Marinara will fill you with terror,

ELMER: (Sings.) You better beware-a,

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) He never plays fair-a,

ELMER (Sings.) And doesn’t even care-a,

CLEOPATRA: (Sings.) Cross him if you dare-a,

ELMER: (Sings.) He’ll give you a scare-a...

BOTH: (Sing.) Clams Marinara is a low-down dude!

CLEOPATRA: (Speaks.) And I hear Clams is a little shrimp!

ALVA: (At end of song.) What’s he got to do with you?

CLEOPATRA: He told Elmer to give this stuffed animal to some man who came to pitch balls at the Wooden Bottles. That’s a concession stand Elmer works. Only Elmer got the animals mixed up and gave him the wrong one.

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ALVA: So?

CLEOPATRA: It must have been a payoff of some kind because later on Elmer found that this animal was stuffed with money.

ALVA: With what?

CLEOPATRA: Money.

ALVA: Money!

ELMER, CLEOPATRA: Sshhh.

ALVA: You’ve got to be kidding.

ELMER: Oh, yeah? Look. (Pulls fistful of money from back of animal.) This ain’t Monopoly money! (KATE in her mummy bandaging hurries IN from UP RIGHT. From the way she moves, someone must be chasing her. She looks like “The Invisible Woman” with the white wrappings. She spots the office, quickly darts IN. Hastily, she looks around, sees cot, jumps under the blanket, pulling it over her head.)

CLEOPATRA: Next thing we heard, Clams put a contract out on Elmer.

ALVA: What’s a contract?

CLEOPATRA: A hit man. Clams wants Elmer dead. That’s why I helped him get away.

ALVA: (Shocked.) Why didn’t you give him back the stuffed animal?

ELMER: We didn’t realize we had it until we were on the road.

CLEOPATRA: People like Clams ask questions AFTER they finish shooting.

ELMER: Clams is trailing us. I saw his limo in the rearview mirror. Alva, you’ve got to help us.

ALVA: How? (DUMM ENTERS from UP RIGHT, looking for KATE. He moves DOWN RIGHT.)

CLEOPATRA: (Sees DUMM.) Careful. The local law. (ELMER holds the stuffed animal in front of his face.)

DUMM: Have you seen that Linda Biddle anywhere?

ALVA: Try the infirmary. Smudge is probably attending to her. (To CLEOPATRA.) Worse case of poison ivy Pocahontas has ever had.

DUMM: I don’t know why she keeps running away. All I want to do is ask her a few simple questions. Something funny going on. (He EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

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ELMER: (Lowers animal.) Will you do it, Alva? Will you help us?

ALVA: You couldn’t have come at a worse time. The camp’s in an uproar. (Thinks.) Maybe it’s the best time, after all. In the confusion you may pass unnoticed. Try to stay out of sight. I’ll tell Eve Hunnicutt, the camp director, when the time is right.

CLEOPATRA: We’ll stay out of sight. Don’t worry. We don’t want to be seen. (Holds out basket.) It’s okay to keep these with me, isn’t it?

ALVA: What do you have there?

CLEOPATRA: (Removes top.) Snakes.

ALVA: Snakes!

CLEOPATRA: They won’t bite.

ALVA: (Nervously.) I don’t care what they won’t do! Keep them with you. And the top ON!

CLEOPATRA: (Replaces top.) Sure.

ALVA: I’ll put you in the Mongoose bungalow. This way. (ALVA EXITS UP LEFT. ELMER and CLEOPATRA, happy with sanctuary, follow and OUT. As soon as ELMER and CLEOPATRA go UP PATHWAY B, EVE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, ADAM right behind her.)

EVE: I don’t want to discuss this any further. Enough’s enough. You’ve got to get out of here. The sooner the better.

ADAM: You said we could stay.

EVE: You said it would only be for a day or two. (EVE ENTERS office, ADAM follows. When the moment is right, anxious not to be discovered, KATE, unobserved, will get off of cot, crawl under.)

ADAM: We’re cleaning up Camp John Smith as fast as we can.

EVE: (Sits at desk.) That’s not true. I know you well enough to realize you’re hoping for some kind of miracle. If there’s one thing Camp John Smith can’t tolerate, it’s the thought of good hard work. Your “gentlemen” are turning this camp into a circus.

ADAM: A few days more won’t make any difference.

EVE: I can’t risk it. I’ve been more than generous. Play fair.

ADAM: If I lose my job, I’m holding you responsible. You don’t want to feel guilty, do you?

EVE: (Smiles.) I don’t mind.

ADAM: (Defeated.) I’ll get the boys moving. Can we borrow some rakes?

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EVE: Anything that will help you get out of here. And Adam?

ADAM: Yeah?

EVE: Don’t forget to take the buffalo with you. (ADAM starts to EXIT LEFT as SMUDGE ENTERS DOWN LEFT. EVE sees cot is unmade, gets up from desk, straightens out the blanket.)

SMUDGE: Haven’t seen Linda Biddle, have you?

ADAM: No, I haven’t.

SMUDGE: Poor thing. She must be in such discomfort. Scratching, scratching. I don’t want her roaming about. Poison ivy can be contagious.

IVAN: (Steps INTO tent from OFFSTAGE. He’s dripping wet. He steps from tent INTO PATHWAY C.) I always feel great after a shower!

SMUDGE: Do you shower with your clothes on?

IVAN: You know of a better way to get your laundry done? (He EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

SMUDGE: When will you be leaving us, Adam?

ADAM: I get the message. Soon, soon!

SMUDGE: You’ll be happier back on your own hunting grounds. (She ENTERS office.)

WILLARD: (Races IN DOWN LEFT, excited. ADAM and WILLARD talk and EVE and SMUDGE mime a brief conversation, then EVE and SMUDGE EXIT office RIGHT and OFF.) Trouble!

ADAM: You think you got trouble! Wait till you hear my bad news.

WILLARD: (Worried.) No time. Know who’s headed this way?

ADAM: Three guesses?

WILLARD: The NEW state inspector. Young guy. He’s coming here and then over to Camp John Smith. (Dejectedly, sits on bench.) This is it, Adam. Fade out, finished, kaput. Once he gets a look at that mess we call Home Sweet Home, he’ll close us down.

ADAM: (Thinking, thinking.) Wait a minute! I’m thinking of something Eve said.

WILLARD: What?

ADAM: She said I was hoping for some kind of miracle. This could be it.

WILLARD: What?

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ADAM: (Close to WILLARD, eager.) You said he’s a NEW inspector?

WILLARD: Yeah, his name’s Doyle. The other inspector is on extended leave. This is the new guy’s first time out.

ADAM: First time out! (Gleeful.) Couldn’t be better!

WILLARD: What are you talking about?

ADAM: You and some of the guys take down a few Camp Pocahontas signs and set them up over at Camp John Smith.

WILLARD: What’s the sense in that? He’ll think Camp Pocahontas is a mess.

ADAM: With a little luck and a change of signs over here, he’ll think this place is Camp John Smith.

WILLARD: (Jumps up.) I get it! He’ll give US the good report.

ADAM: Now you’re using your thinking cap. You know, it’s amazing how we two can always come through with the right ideas and solutions. We’ve gotta stick together. Through thick and thin. (MUSIC: My Buddy and Me. Speaks.) Thanks for everything, friend.(Sings.) My buddy and me...

WILLARD: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.) Ask anyone and they will agree,Through good times, bad times, thick and thin,I’ll never have such a buddy again.

ADAM: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

WILLARD: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.) Ask anyone and they will agree,It may be stormy, rainy and muddy,But, dang, if you won’t be my buddy.

ADAM: (Sings.) There’s a lot at stake,

WILLARD: (Sings) A lot on the line,

ADAM: (Sings.) But, buddy, you and me are gonna come out fine.

WILLARD: (Sings.) Like a bull, they’re bound to kick and snort,

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.) But, buddy, we’re gonna get a good report!

ADAM: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

WILLARD: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.) Ask anyone and they will agree,

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That when I’m down and feelin’ cruddy,You’re always there to be my buddy.

ADAM: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

WILLARD: (Sings.) My buddy and me...

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.) Ask anyone and they will agree,

ADAM: (Sings.) It may be stormy, rainy and muddy,

WILLARD: (Sings.) I may be down and feelin’ cruddy,

ADAM/WILLARD: (Sing.) When we’re old and feelin’ fuddy-duddy,Dang, if you won’t be my buddy!

ADAM: (At end of song, holding out hand to WILLARD.) Put ’er there, buddy. (They shake.) Come on! We’ve got work to do!

WILLARD: Work? Don’t use that word. You know what it does to me. (Begins to shake as if he were about to have an anxiety attack.)

ADAM: Knock it off, Willard. (WILLARD stops.) Come on. (ADAM and WILLARD run ACROSS STAGE into tent, and OFFSTAGE. As they do, CLAMS MARINARA and his lady companion, DIXIE, ENTER DOWN LEFT. DIXIE carries a violin case. CLAMS is the “classic” gangster: pin-striped suit, dark glasses, wide-brimmed hat. DIXIE is dressed flashily.)

DIXIE: You think they came in here, Clams?

CLAMS: (Tough voice.) I checked. That Elmer Crumb’s got a cousin who works in this place. Alva Dowrong. I figure she might be planning on hiding him out.

DIXIE: You think this Dowrong chick was in on the rip-off?

CLAMS: Just keep your fiddle handy.

DIXIE: (Pats violin case.) You want I should make some music with hot lead?

CLAMS: Later. When we’ve got Elmer Crumb.

DIXIE: What now?

CLAMS: Check around. No one makes Clams Marinara look like a fool. I’ve got my reputation to consider.

DIXIE: You said it. Some reputation.

CLAMS: (Nods UP LEFT.) This way.

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DIXIE: Whatever. (CLAMS EXITS UP LEFT. DIXIE follows him OUT. DUMM ENTERS DOWN RIGHT looking for LINDA. He ENTERS office, wearily sits on cot, takes off his cap, wipes sweat from his forehead. Under the cot, KATE is desperately trying to keep from sneezing. ADAM and WILLARD quickly come from back of tent. They carry a rolled up banner on two poles. They EXIT tent, move DOWN CENTER as LARRY and JOE ENTER DOWN RIGHT.)

ADAM: I knew Ivan would keep this close to him. It’s the only thing he ever made that didn’t fall apart.

WILLARD: I hope you know what you’re doing.

ADAM: Don’t I always?

WILLARD: (Realistic.) No.

ADAM: (Annoyed.) Thanks for the vote of confidence.

LARRY: What’s up?

ADAM: I need your help. Here. (JOE, LARRY cross. Each one takes a pole, and they unroll banner which proclaims in bold lettering: CAMP JOHN SMITH. DUMM gets up from cot, puts on his hat. EXITS office, leaves STAGE UP LEFT. KATE sneezes. Positions now are: WILLARD somewhat STAGE RIGHT. ADAM somewhat STAGE LEFT. JOE is LEFT of WILLARD, LARRY is RIGHT of ADAM. They hold the poles tightly. Between poles, for all to see, the CAMP JOHN SMITH banner.)

ADAM: (Admiringly.) How’s it look?

WILLARD: Fantastic!

JOE: What’s buzzin’?

ADAM: Don’t ask questions and whatever you do, play along. Understand?

LARRY: Whatever you say, Adam.

DOYLE: (A young man carrying a clipboard with a state identification tag pinned to his jacket ENTERS DOWN LEFT, bumps into ADAM.) Sorry. Didn’t see you there.

ADAM: I don’t see how you could miss me.

DOYLE: (Reaches into pocket, plucks out a pair of broken eyeglasses.) I broke my glasses. Fell out of my pocket and I stepped on them. I’m rather lost without them.

ADAM: (Delighted with this stroke of luck.) That’s too bad, Mister... (Checks name tag.) Doyle.

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DOYLE: That’s right. Doyle.

ADAM: I see you work for the state.

DOYLE: I’m inspecting Camp Pocahontas and re-evaluating John Smith.

WILLARD: Which one first?

DOYLE: Pocahontas.

WILLARD: If you’re inspecting Camp Pocahontas first, why are you here?

DOYLE: How’s that?

ADAM: This is Camp John Smith.

DOYLE: It is?

WILLARD: (Points.) Can’t you see the sign?

DOYLE: (Steps to banner, squints.) Camp... John... Smith. (Apologetic.) I AM twisted about.

ADAM: I’m Adam Apple. I run the camp. I think you’ll find everything in tip-top shape. I’ll show you around.

DOYLE: If it wouldn’t be too much trouble. I’m rather lost without my glasses.

ADAM: No trouble at all. (Guides him UP PATHWAY B.) Would you like to see the tennis court?

DOYLE: Yes. Yes, I would.

WILLARD: (Fast.) You guys come with me. Rip down a couple of Pocahontas signs on the way and bring ’em with you.

JOE: What about this banner?

WILLARD: Get rid of it. (ADAM and DOYLE are OFF, WILLARD runs OUT, DOWN LEFT. JOE and LARRY roll up the banner and move back INTO the tent. Inside the office, KATE crawls from under cot, jumps back into bed, pulls blanket over her head.)

HILDEGARD: (OFFSTAGE, from DOWN LEFT.) Vhat a pleasure to have you visit mit us, Mrs. Thistlemist.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (OFFSTAGE, from DOWN LEFT.) I canceled my New York stay. I hope no one is playing a joke. (MRS. THISTLEMIST ENTERS. She’s a most dignified woman, dressed stylishly and expensively. She uses a walking stick or cane. Behind her are HILDEGARD and VIVIAN.)

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VIVIAN: I’ll see if I can locate Eve. The sound system is working.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Thank you, Vivian. How are you getting on? I promised your aunt this was the place for you.

VIVIAN: It’s an experience, Mrs. Thistlemist. (Delighted that her mischief is paying off, VIVIAN goes INTO office, sits behind desk and snaps on mike.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Hildegard, I received the strangest phone call while I was in New York. The caller wouldn’t leave her name, but she said I should get here as fast as possible or the name of my camp would be mud.

HILDEGARD: Probably has something to do mit that Eve Hunnicutt. She has progressive ideas. If I vere running this compound... (She is cut off by VIVIAN’S announcement.)

VIVIAN: (Gives war whoop.) Attention! Attention! Eve, would you please report to the office area. You have a visitor. Mrs. Thistlemist. Thaaaaaank you. (She snaps off mike, returns to HILDEGARD and MRS. THISTLEMIST. SMUDGE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, INTO tent. She pulls down the laundry, sprays tent with a room deodorizer. She considers the place a menace to health.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Everything seems to be under control.

HILDEGARD: I vouldn’t know, Mrs. Thistlemist. I only follow orders.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: I’m so happy you’re adjusting to camp life, Vivian.

VIVIAN: I’ll never forget this place.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Delighted to hear it.

EVE: (Fast, ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT.) Mrs. Thistlemist! What are you doing here? I thought you were in New York.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: I would be there, except that I received a most alarming phone call.

EVE: Phone call?

MRS. THISTLEMIST: The caller said that all sorts of strange things have been going on. (SMUDGE EXITS tent, goes UP RIGHT and OFF.)

EVE: Strange things?

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Boys on the premises.

EVE: Boys!

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Will you stop repeating everything I say?

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EVE: Sorry. (IVAN ENTERS DOWN RIGHT carrying his fishing pole with a rubber boot on the hook, his catch from Lake Lookeeloo. He ENTERS tent, goes into the OFFSTAGE back. MRS. THISTLEMIST has seen him.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Points to tent.) Who was that? (OTHERS look.)

EVE: I don’t see anyone.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: It was a young man!

EVE: (Trying to conceal her alarm.) A young man? Ha, ha, ha.

VIVIAN/HILDEGARD: (Flatly.) Ha, ha, ha.

EVE: (Wants to get rid of them.) You may go about your business, Vivian.

VIVIAN: (Smug.) If you say so, Eve.

EVE: I do.

VIVIAN: Nice talking with you, Mrs. Thistlemist.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Mention me to your aunt when you write.

VIVIAN: Count on it. (EXITS UP LEFT.)

HILDEGARD: I think I should tell you a few things, Mrs. Thistlemist.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Not now. I’m going to investigate that tent over there.

EVE: I’m certain you didn’t see what you thought you saw.

HILDEGARD: Come, ve investigate.

EVE: That won’t be necessary, Hildegard. I suggest you see how the Maidens are getting on in woodburning.

HILDEGARD: I vish to remain.

EVE: (Snaps.) That’s an order.

HILDEGARD: (Quickly comes to attention.) Ja. (She EXITS DOWN LEFT.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Storms over to the tent, stands outside. EVE is behind her.) I know you’re in there. (Bangs walking stick.) Come out here, I say. (Pause.) I’m going in.

EVE: You mustn’t.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: I’ll get to the bottom of this. (As MRS. THISTLEMIST is about to step into the tent, IVAN, JOE and LARRY run OUT in female drag... dresses, wigs, big hats. They’ve gotten into some of the stored theatrical costumes. They move INTO PATHWAY C. Positions should be: JOE, DOWN RIGHT, LARRY, IVAN, MRS. THISTLEMIST, EVE.)

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MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Amazed.) Who are you?

EVE: (Thinking fast.) The Mo sisters.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: The Mo sisters? Never heard of you.

EVE: Uh, they’re a professional singing group. We’re honored to have them in our presence.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Still not convinced.) They don’t look very professional. What are their names.

JOE: (Curtsies.) Eenie.

LARRY: (Curtsies.) Meenie.

IVAN: (Curtsies.) Minie.

EVE: Mo... The Mo Sisters.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: What do they sing?

EVE: Er... uh... well... Hit it, girls! (MUSIC: The Mo Sisters. “The Mo Sisters” begin in a clumsy line up. However, as the song gets going, the boys gain style and confidence. They look great!)

JOE/LARRY/IVAN/EVE: (Sing.) The Mo Sisters gonna take a toll on you,Mo Sisters gonna show ya what to do.We’re the baddest movin’ sisters that you’ll ever know...

JOE: (Sings.) I’m Eenie...

LARRY: (Sings.) I’m Meenie...

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m Minie...

EVE: (Sings.) They’re Mo.

JOE/LARRY/IVAN/EVE: (Grunt.) UGH!

EVE: (Speaks.) Listen up, everybody, and let the Mo Sisters show us how to dance. It’s easy. (Sings.) First you gotta...

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) Step up!

EVE: (Sings.) Come on and step a little closer.

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) Shake down!

EVE: (Sings.) Down to the ground.

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) Don’t say “no!”

EVE: (Sings.) Don’t resist the feelin’,Come on and let it go.

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JOE/LARRY/IVAN/EVE: (Sing.) The Mo Sisters gonna take a toll on you,Mo Sisters gonna tell ya what to do.We’re the baddest singin’ sisters that you’ll ever know...

JOE: (Sings.) I’m Eenie...

LARRY: (Sings.) I’m Meenie...

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m Minie...

EVE: (Sings.) They’re Mo!

JOE/LARRY/IVAN/EVE: (Grunt.) UGH!

EVE: (Speaks.) Come on! You try it, Mrs. Thistlemist. (To the audience.) All of you can join in, too, if you like. Just listen up! (Sings.) First you gotta...

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) Stand up!

EVE: (To audience, sings.) Come on now, ev’rybody stand up!

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sings.) Shake down!

EVE: (Sings.) Down to the ground.

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) Clap your hands!

EVE: (Sings.) Let me hear you clap now.And do the best you can.

JOE/LARRY/IVAN/EVE: (Sing.) The Mo Sisters gonna take a toll on you,Mo Sisters gonna show ya what to do.We’re the baddest movin’ sisters that you’ll ever know...

JOE: (Sings.) I’m Eenie...

LARRY: (Sings.) I’m Meenie...

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m Minie...

EVE: (Sings.) They’re Mo!

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Grunt.) UGH!

JOE/LARRY/IVAN/EVE: (Sing.) Mo Sisters gonna take a toll on you,Mo Sisters gonna tell ya what to do.We’re the baddest movin’ sisters that you’ll ever know...

JOE: (Sings.) I’m Eenie...

LARRY: (Sings.) I’m Meenie...

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m Minie...

EVE: (Sings.) They’re Mo!

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JOE: (Sings.) I’m Eenie...

LARRY: (Sings.) I’m Meenie...

IVAN: (Sings.) I’m Minie...

JOE/LARRY/IVAN: (Sing.) We’re Mo!

EVE: (Shouts.) Yeah!

IVAN: (At end of song.) Well, we’re late for dental care. (BOYS hoist their dresses and jog OFFSTAGE DOWN LEFT.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Suspicious.) Strange sounding females, not to mention strange looking!

EVE: I’ll have a few words with them. (EVE hurries after them. KATE tosses aside the blanket and jumps out of the cot. Under the blanket she’s managed to put on a pair of dark sunglasses, so she really does look like “The Invisible Woman.” Figuring that the coast might not be clear, she runs OUT RIGHT... and comes face-to-face with MRS. THISTLEMIST.)

KATE: Oops! ’Scuse me, lady. I’m in a hurry! (KATE dashes OFF, DOWN RIGHT.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Screams.) Eve! Eve! (Points after KATE.) What was that? (JOE, LARRY, and IVAN run back IN and INTO the office and EXIT RIGHT and OFFSTAGE, UP RIGHT. DUMM pursues them, blowing his whistle.)

DUMM: Come back here! (MRS. THISTLEMIST runs OFF, DOWN RIGHT. While this madness is going on... )

BLACKOUT

End of Scene One

(SOUND OF BIRDS to cover brief wait until next scene and any necessary crossovers.)

ACT TWOScene Two

SETTING: The same. The following day.

AT RISE: ELMER runs ONSTAGE from DOWN LEFT. CLEOPATRA, with the snake basket, is with him. ELMER has the stuffed animal.

ELMER: (Excited.) We’ve got to hide someplace else.

CLEOPATRA: You’re sure it was Clams?

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ELMER: It was Clams. I saw him prowling around the picnic area like a nervous wolf. He knows we’re here!

CLEOPATRA: We never should have come to this place. We’ve got to get out of Camp Pocahontas.

ELMER: Don’t be silly. He’s bound to have the camp surrounded. One step outside and relatives can cash in on our life insurance.

CLEOPATRA: What are we going to do?

ELMER: Hide in the woods.

CLEOPATRA: I’m allergic to trees.

ELMER: I’m allergic to bullets. Trees or bullets... which is it?

CLEOPATRA: Trees!!! (They RUN OFF, DOWN RIGHT as CLAMS and DIXIE hurry IN from UP LEFT. They don’t see the exiting fugitives.)

DIXIE: You saw Elmer Crumb? It was really him? Running out of that Mongoose Bungalow?

CLAMS: With that sport jacket how could it be anyone else? He’s around here somewhere.

DIXIE: You think he’s got the money with him?

CLAMS: If he don’t, he’s going to get tattooed with hot lead.

DIXIE: (Pats violin case.) Ready when you are, Clams.

CLAMS: (Points UP LEFT.) You check back the way we came. (Points DOWN RIGHT.) I’ll scout the woods.

DIXIE: Don’t get bit by anything. (She EXITS UP LEFT. GLORIA MILLFLOSS, KATE’S sister, ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, bumping into CLAMS, who is moving fast. GLORIA is older than her sister.)

CLAMS: Out of my way, kid. I got business. (He brushes by her, OFF.)

GLORIA: (Angry.) Well... EXCUSE me! (HILDEGARD jogs IN DOWN LEFT.) I wonder if you could help me?

HILDEGARD: (Stops jogging.) Vhat is it?

GLORIA: I’m looking for my sister.

HILDEGARD: Vhat is her name?

GLORIA: Millfloss. Kate Millfloss.

HILDEGARD: Millfloss? Millfloss? (Shakes her head.) No one here by that name.

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GLORIA: She must be here. She telephoned that we weren’t to worry. Said she was safe here at Camp Pocahontas.

HILDEGARD: (Recalls.) Kate Millfloss? That is the name of the girl Officer Dumm mentioned. The runavay.

GLORIA: Yes, that’s her!

HILDEGARD: No von has seen her.

GLORIA: I’ve GOT to find her.

HILDEGARD: If I vere you, I vould speak to Dumm.

GLORIA: Where can I find him?

HILDEGARD: Searching for his patrol car. In the voods. Some of the boys from Camp John Smith have hidden it. I must continue mit my jogging. Exercise is good for the mind as vell as the body.

GLORIA: Don’t let me stop you. (HILDEGARD jogs ACROSS stage, UP PATHWAY A and OUT. GLORIA EXITS DOWN LEFT as an angry MRS. THISTLEMIST storms IN from DOWN RIGHT, followed by ALVA.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Such behavior. Outrageous! Scandalous! I didn’t sleep a wink last night. All I did was think about yesterday afternoon. (MRS. THISTLEMIST ENTERS office, sits behind desk.)

ALVA: (Follows her INTO office.) It’s not as bad as it seems, Mrs. Thistlemist.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: In all the years I’ve owned this camp, I’ve never experienced such a lack of professionalism. I am absolutely astonished at Eve Hunnicutt’s action.

ALVA: (Hedges.) We all sort of agreed to it.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: That only makes matters worse.

EVE’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, DOWN LEFT.) She’s fond of you, Adam. You’re not letting me take all the blame.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Who’s that?

ALVA: Eve. (MRS. THISTLEMIST stands, faces LEFT. EVE pulls a reluctant ADAM from DOWN LEFT.)

ADAM: Do you have to pull my arm off?

EVE: I’m not taking any chance of you getting away. (She pulls ADAM INTO office. Positions inside the office: ALVA RIGHT, MRS. THISTLEMIST behind desk. EVE and ADAM LEFT.)

ADAM: (Grins boyishly.) Hi, Mrs. Thistlemist.

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MRS. THISTLEMIST: I was hoping to speak with you yesterday, Adam. You couldn’t be found. Your “young gentlemen of John Smith” behaved disgracefully.

ADAM: They returned the dresses.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: What I object to most of all is the secrecy. If you had told me of the problem I might have given permission for you to come here for a limited number of days. After all, Pocahontas and John Smith belong together. We share the same lake.

ALVA: That’s a lot of Lookeeloo.

EVE: We didn’t know where to reach you, Mrs. Thistlemist.

ALVA: You were traveling.

EVE: We had every intention of telling you. I should’ve told you on the phone, but I thought it would be easier when Adam and the boys were off the premises.

ADAM: (Straightforward.) I hope you’re not going to hold this against Eve. She was only being neighborly. I practically forced her to let us stay. She was helping me to save my job.

EVE: (Impressed by his gallantry.) You CAN be a gentleman.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Musing.) Someone wanted to make trouble.

ALVA: My guess would be someone with the initials H. von F.

EVE: Hildegard’s always wanted my job but she’d never contact Mrs. Thistlemist. That would be too obvious.

ALVA: Then who? (CLAMS ENTERS tent from UPSTAGE, searches under cots, EXITS to back.)

ADAM: One of the maidens?

EVE: The young ladies at Camp Pocahontas are all trustworthy.

ADAM: That’s what I’d like to think about my “young gentlemen.”

ALVA: It’s the sort of thing your “young gentlemen” might think is funny. Anything for a laugh.

EVE: No one’s laughing.

WILLARD’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE, DOWN LEFT.) Adam! Adam!

ADAM: (Yells.) In here!

ALVA: Now what?

WILLARD: (Zooms INTO office, waving telegram.) It’s here! It’s here! (He dances about, overjoyed.)

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MRS. THISTLEMIST: What’s he going on about?

ALVA: Who knows?

MRS. THISTLEMIST: He doesn’t look mentally responsible.

ALVA: Does anyone from Camp John Smith?

WILLARD: I’d better sit down.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Perhaps we should send for Smudge.

WILLARD: (Sits in visitor’s chair, hands telegram to ADAM.) I’ve already read it.

ADAM: (Takes it, reads.) “Mr. Adam Apple... Camp John Smith...

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Never mind all that. What does it say?

ADAM: It’s from Doyle!

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Who?

WILLARD: Doyle. The new state inspector.

ADAM: (Reads happily.) “After careful consideration and inspection of Camp John Smith, it is my pleasure to inform you that the state has renewed your operating license for another season.”

WILLARD: Yippeeee! (WOMEN exchange amazed looks.)

ALVA: It can’t be.

EVE: I don’t believe it.

ADAM: Wait! There’s more. (Reads.) “I was tremendously impressed by the cleanliness and order of your camp. Signed, Hector Doyle, State Inspector.”

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Impressed by the cleanliness and order of the camp? Hmmmm. That’s what the state inspectors usually say about Camp Pocahontas. (WILLARD jumps up. He and ADAM dance about in a bear-hug.)

WILLARD/ADAM: We’re going to open! We’re going to open! (Shaking her head in astonishment at the report, ALVA sits on cot. KATE, still in bandaging, runs INTO tent from UPSTAGE, starts to crawl under cot, thinks better of it, EXITS to back. CLAMS, horrified, runs OUT and OFF, DOWN RIGHT.)

EVE: All right, so you’re going to open. There’s no need to act like idiots.

ALVA: They’re not acting LIKE idiots. They ARE idiots!

ADAM: (Jumps to the microphone, flicks on switch, blows his whistle... three short blasts.) Now hear this, gentlemen of Camp John Smith.

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We’re moving out! Repeat... we’re moving out. Back to our own happy hunting ground. Get your gear and assemble in front of the nerve center. On the double! (He steps back from microphone. A mighty cheer goes up from OFFSTAGE. LARRY, JOE, IVAN and other assorted BOY CAMPERS dash INTO the tent and grab up their belongings. ADAM and WILLARD step from the office INTO PATHWAY C, step CENTER.) Come on, guys! Let’s move it! Let’s move it! (In the office, ALVA, MRS. THISTLEMIST, EVE stand as if they were looking out a window that grants a view of PATHWAY C. In the tent, IVAN, LARRY and JOE gather up their “belongings” and cross to ADAM. JOE carries a Camp John Smith pennant on a pole.)

JOE: Back to John Smith?

ADAM: I told you there was nothing to worry about.

IVAN: I think we’ve worn out our welcome.

EVE: This exodus I want to see.

ALVA: You said it! (ALVA, MRS. THISTLEMIST and EVE EXIT office LEFT, move INTO PATHWAY B. As they do, KATE runs from tent, INTO PATHWAY A, INTO the office. This time she ducks behind the desk.)

LARRY: We don’t have everything.

ADAM: We can come back and pick it up.

EVE: Don’t bother. I’ll send it over.

WILLARD: Left face!!! (ADAM, WILLARD, IVAN, JOE, LARRY, and BOY CAMPERS do a LEFT FACE in sloppy military fashion.)

ADAM: Forward...

WOMEN: March! (WILLARD, ADAM and GENTLEMEN, like Army recruits, EXIT DOWN LEFT. JOE holds the pennant high.)

ALVA: (Watching them go.) Good riddance.

DUMM’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN RIGHT.) I’ll ask the questions.

CLAM’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN RIGHT.) You’re making a mistake.

DUMM’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN RIGHT.) You made the mistake, all right. Coming here. (CLAMS ENTERS with his hands up. Following him are ELMER and CLEOPATRA. Last IN is DUMM with his revolver drawn.)

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MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Steps CENTER.) Officer Dumm, who are these people?

DUMM: (Indicates CLAMS.) He’s Clams Marinara. He’s wanted on half a dozen charges in this state.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Amazed.) What’s he doing here?

ALVA: I think I can explain, Mrs. Thistlemist. (Points.) That’s Elmer.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Elmer? Who’s Elmer?

ALVA: My cousin. He got into trouble and needed someplace to stay. I was hiding him.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Wide-eyed.) Eve, did you know about this?

ALVA: No one knew about it.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: This used to be such a restful spot!

CLAMS: (To DUMM.) What are you hassling me for? You ought to chase that mummy I saw. (Nods to CLEOPATRA.) Belongs to her, I bet.

ELMER: Clams, I don’t want the money.

CLEOPATRA: It was all a mistake. (DIXIE sneaks IN from DOWN LEFT, behind bench. She scurries, unseen, INTO office, crosses RIGHT, so she’ll be in a good position to come up behind DUMM.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: What money?

CLEOPATRA: Elmer was supposed to give another stuffed animal to the man Clams sent. Only Elmer got confused and...

DUMM: Shaddup! We can straighten everything out down at the station. It’s going to be a long hike because I can’t find my patrol car. (Nudges with revolver.) Move. (CLAMS, CLEOPATRA, ELMER start to move LEFT. DIXIE steps from office, moves behind DUMM.)

DIXIE: Hold it! (She holds the violin case as if it were a submachine gun. DUMM sees her, slowly raises his hands. OTHERS react. DIXIE opens violin case and takes out a very tiny pistol.)

CLAMS: Good thinking, Dixie.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Who’s this one?

ALVA: Your guess is as good as ours.

DIXIE: Where’s that money?

CLEOPATRA: (Quick.) I’ve got it.

CLAMS: You?

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DIXIE: Give it to me.

CLEOPATRA: It’s here.

DIXIE: Where?

CLEOPATRA: (Cleverly.) In this basket.

DIXIE: Hand it over. (She thrusts the empty violin case at CLEOPATRA, grabs basket, takes off cover, peers in, screams, drops tiny pistol.) Snakes! (EVE, ALVA, MRS. THISTLEMIST scream, run back INTO office.)

ALL: Snakes!

DIXIE: Ugh! I don’t want these things. Take ’em back! (DIXIE thrusts the basket to CLEOPATRA. DUMM stoops, picks up DIXIE’S pistol.)

DUMM: Everybody keep walking straight ahead. No monkey business.

CLEOPATRA: I thought the carnival was a crazy world! All this place needs is cotton candy. (They march OFFSTAGE DOWN LEFT.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: I’d better sit down. Boys, gangsters and now... reptiles in baskets. What next? (Like a hideous mummy, KATE looms up from behind the desk.) Auuuuuugh! There it is again. (GLORIA pushes IN from DOWN LEFT, goes INTO office.)

EVE: Linda!

KATE: I can’t take any more. I’m getting out! (KATE moves LEFT, coming face to face with GLORIA.) Gloria! (Weary of all the madness, MRS. THISTLEMIST collapses into the visitor’s chair.)

GLORIA: KATE!

ALVA: Linda, Gloria, Kate? (NOTE: From this point on, the action is fast and furious. Remember that it must not be cluttered. Each and every line must be distinctly audible to the audience. “Organized” confusion.)

KATE: (Begins to unwind the bandaging.) I’ve had enough. I surrender.

EVE: (To MRS. THISTLEMIST.) Linda’s had a terrible case of ivy poisoning.

KATE: (Unwinding, unwinding.) I don’t have poison ivy, and I’m not Linda.

GLORIA: You can do it, Kate. Mom and Dad both agreed you can go into summer stock... on one condition.

KATE: (Elated.) What? (EVE, ALVA and MRS. THISTLEMIST stare at KATE and GLORIA, perplexed.)

GLORIA: I have to come along as chaperon. After all, I’m older than you, and you do have a habit of getting into mischief.

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KATE: Fair enough. Let’s get out of this place. It’s crazy here.

EVE: (Steps to KATE.) One moment. If you’re not Linda Biddle, who are you?

KATE: Kate Millfloss.

EVE: Millfloss?

ALVA: The runaway. (LINDA BIDDLE ENTERS from DOWN LEFT. She’s wearing a wedding gown and carries a bride’s bouquet. The Director may wish to cut the wedding gown, although it does make for a great entrance, with veil, etc. If wedding gown is not used, then LINDA should look enchanting in some other outfit that she’s worn for the ceremony, including white gloves, white shoes, a small hat with veil, etc.)

MRS. THISTLEMIST: Runaway? Who’s a runaway?

ALVA: (Points.) She’s a runaway.

LINDA: (ENTERS office.) Here I am. (Smiles happily.) I got married this morning!

ALL: Married!

KATE: Your boyfriend in Colorado?

LINDA: Uh-huh. I came back for my suitcase. I’ll need it for the honeymoon. My husband got a seventy-two hour pass and we’re going to break the news to my parents. Some fun! (SMUDGE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, helping MR. TERWILLITER. He’s in awful shape, in shirtsleeves. He looks exhausted.)

KATE: Glad things worked out for you.

LINDA: I’ll never be able to thank you enough.

KATE: I’ve got a career to worry about. (GLORIA and KATE MOVE LEFT. KATE MOVES back to MRS. THISTLEMIST and drops the bandaging into her lap.) I won’t need these bandages anymore!

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Brushes them to the floor.) Yecch. (KATE and GLORIA EXIT office and OUT, DOWN LEFT.)

LINDA: I hope I didn’t cause too much trouble.

EVE: (Numb.) What would you call too much?

LINDA: I’m so happy. A married woman! (LINDA EXITS office LEFT, goes INTO PATHWAY B and OFF, UP LEFT. SMUDGE ENTERS office with MR. TERWILLITER.)

SMUDGE: Poor man. He was out on the lake all night in a canoe.

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MR. TERWILLITER: (Wails.) I lost my paddle.

SMUDGE: He’s suffering from exposure. Better rest, Mr. Terwilliter. Eve will have to make out a report in case you plan to sue.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: He’s going to sue?! (SMUDGE helps MR. TERWILLITER onto the cot. ADAM runs INTO office from DOWN LEFT. He holds a telegram.)

ADAM: Willard forgot. You had a telegram too, Eve. (He hands it to EVE, sees TERWILLITER.) Oh, hi, Mr. Terwilliter. I’ve got good news for us. (ADAM crosses to cot, hands TERWILLITER his telegram from DOYLE. TERWILLITER reads.)

EVE: (Rips open her telegram.) It’s from the state inspector’s office. (Reads.) “Eve Hunnicutt... Camp Pocahontas... After careful consideration and inspection of Camp Pocahontas, I must inform you that the state cannot renew your operating license...”

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Stands.) What?!

ADAM: (Sotto.) Trouble. (He sneaks OUT LEFT onto FORESTAGE and OFF, DOWN LEFT. MRS. THISTLEMIST, SMUDGE and ALVA crowd around EVE.)

EVE: That’s what it says. See for yourself. (Hands it to MRS. THISTLEMIST. SMUDGE and ALVA crane necks to read over MRS. THISTLEMIST’S shoulder.)

MR. TERWILLITER: (Stands with ADAM’S telegraph, delighted.) This is good news. A clean bill of health from the state. (Stands.) I feel much better. I shall report to the trustees at once.

SMUDGE: You’d better rest.

MR. TERWILLITER: This telegram is all the rest I need. It restores my faith in Adam Apple. Good day, ladies. (He EXITS INTO PATHWAY A, onto FORESTAGE and OFF, DOWN LEFT.)

EVE: (Points to her telegram.) Adam Apple... he’s the cause of this.

MRS. THISTLEMIST: (Continues reading.) “Your summer camp was found to be in deplorable condition. Sardine cans and soiled laundry scattered about and a health hazard supplied by a sickly buffalo! You will vacate immediately. You will have one week to clean up the mess, at which time we will re-evaluate the situation... Signed, Hector Doyle, State Inspector.” This is monstrous!

SMUDGE: Vacate immediately! Where will we go?

EVE: Two can play at this game. (EVE EXITS RIGHT, blowing whistle. ALVA does the same, EXITS LEFT. They meet in front of the office.)

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MRS. THISTLEMIST: I’d better lay down. I’m not feeling very well.

SMUDGE: Lean on me. (SMUDGE guides MRS. THISTLEMIST to the cot. She stretches out. SMUDGE goes to water pitcher and dips in a handerkerchief making a cold compress. She returns to MRS. THISTLEMIST and puts it on her forehead. While this is going on, the MAIDENS and Pocahontas STAFF move ONTO stage from LEFT and RIGHT: JENNY, VIVIAN, HILDEGARD, THEODORA, SYLVIA, CINDY and GIRL CAMPERS. THEODORA has a cream pie.)

EVE: Maidens, our hospitality has been abused.

AD LIBS: What are you talking about, Eve?What’s going on?What do you mean?(Etc.)

EVE: The state has condemned Camp Pocahontas.

ALL: Whaaaaaaa?

EVE: It’s plain to me what’s happened. (SMUDGE leaves office, joins OTHERS.)

ALVA: Somehow those characters from across the lake convinced the state inspector that this was Camp John Smith and Camp John Smith was Pocahontas. Dirty pool, I call it.

EVE: We have to evacuate immediately.

ALL: Whaaaaaa?

JENNY: We’re not going to let them get away with it, are we?

ALVA: We’ll have to find someplace to stay for a week.

JENNY: But where?

EVE: Revenge is sweet. (GIRLS get the idea.)

JENNY: You mean Camp John Smith?

EVE: Why not? Fair’s fair! (Cheers, applause. HILDEGARD is furious that things haven’t worked out better for her. She clenches her fists and stalks to VIVIAN in a rage.)

HILDEGARD: You stupid girl! I never should have listened to you. If it vasn’t for you, none of this vould have happened.

VIVIAN: (Snaps.) Why don’t you jog into the lake.

HILDEGARD: Vhy don’t you end up with pie on your face? (She takes the pie from THEODORA and pushes it into VIVIAN’S face. The pie is either whipped cream or shaving cream on a paper or tin plate.)

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VIVIAN: Auuuugh!

THEODORA: My pie!

HILDEGARD: (To EVE.) I quit! (HILDEGARD strides OFF, UP PATHWAY A and OUT. VIVIAN, in shock, steps INTO tent and EXITS INTO the back ostensibly to wash the pie from her face.)

EVE: Some by canoe, some hike across the road. And remember...

ALL: Camp Pocahontas, we love you,Camp Pocahontas, you’re true blue!Tomahawk, tomahawk... (They give the war whoop, EXIT RIGHT and LEFT leaving ON STAGE THEODORA and JENNY. As MAIDENS make their EXITS, LINDA, carrying a suitcase, moves into PATHWAY B from UP LEFT, DOWN to FORESTAGE.)

LINDA: Where’s everybody going?

THEODORA: Joining the enemy.

LINDA: You look awfully sad.

THEODORA: I lost my pie.

LINDA: Maybe this will cheer you up. (Holds up bouquet.) My bridal bouquet. (She tosses it to THEODORA, then EXITS DOWN LEFT.)

JENNY: (Enthralled.) Wonderful! That means you’re next in line to get married, Theodora.

THEODORA: It does?

JENNY: Naturally. What do you think of that?

THEODORA: (Looks at bouquet. She takes a great bite out of it, chews.) Deeee-licious!!!!

BLACKOUT

CURTAIN CALL: (MUSIC: Krazy Kamp—Reprise. Cast comes back ON STAGE, takes bows and sings.)

ALL: (Sing.) There’s a place, what a place, it’s a place, such a place,And they call it Krazy Kamp.It’s a mess, what a mess, everybody’s under stress,Still they come to Krazy Kamp.If you’re lookin’ toFind a place where youKnow you can revamp.Stay away from here,

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Don’t come nearThis Krazy Kamp!Krazy Kamp’s a name we call thisHome away from home.It’s a fact, we’ll all be back,It’s crazy... This crazy... Say “goodbye” to Krazy Kamp.(Shout.) Krazy Kamp!!!

END OF PLAY

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production notes

PROPERTIES:

ON STAGE: For Office: Desk, chair, visitor’s chair, cot with pillow and blanket, bulletin board with announcements, file cabinet or table with file folders. Phone, water pitcher with water and glass, microphone, letter opener, whistle, papers (all on desk) and wastebasket.

For Tent: Cots (2) with blankets and pillows.

ON GROUNDS: Bench, bushes (shrubbery can be real or painted).

BROUGHT ON: ACT ONE, Scene One: Clipboard and pencil (EVE and ALVA); candy bar (THEODORA); luggage, hanky (VIVIAN); workbook (DUMM); derby or some other style of hat, attaché case (TERWILLITER); paper forms (SMUDGE); box of popcorn, watermelon or cantaloupe, candy, apple (THEODORA); innertube, snorkel, assorted junk (BOYS).

ACT ONE, Scene Two: Volleyball (SYLVIA); photo (DUMM); box of chocolates (THEODORA); large bush (KATE); skin diving outfit (JOE); whistles (CAMP PERSONNEL).

ACT TWO, Scene One: Add to tent: Clothesline with male swimsuits, underwear, socks, etc. And, as space permits, a TV, dilapidated chair, paper plates, soda pop cans, trash barrel.

BROUGHT ON: ACT TWO, Scene One: Fishing poles (IVAN, JOE, LARRY); frying pan (JENNY); handkerchief (TERWILLITER); candy bar (THEODORA); large stuffed animal with money (ELMER); basket (CLEOPATRA); violin case (DIXIE); banner on poles (ADAM, WILLARD); name tag, clipboard, broken eyeglasses (DOYLE); walking stick or cane (MRS. THISTLEMIST); fishing pole with boot on hook (IVAN).

ACT TWO, Scene Two: Stuffed animal (ELMER); basket (CLEOPATRA); violin case containing tiny pistol (DIXIE); telegram (WILLARD); bridal bouquet (LINDA); telegrams (ADAM); hanky (SMUDGE); cream pie (THEODORA); suitcase (LINDA).

COSTUMES

As indicated in script. However, keep in mind that the more colorful and “summer camp” the outfits, the more interesting the show will be visibly. Jogging suits, shorts, tennis outfits, etc. The citizens from Camp John Smith wear just about anything... but it all looks ill-kept and unwashed in sharp contrast to the spic and span quality of the young ladies.

Mentioned here are only those costumes that, in some way, are essential to the plot. DUMM should wear a policeman’s uniform, or something to suggest one, including hat and dark sunglasses, holster and revolver.

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SMUDGE should wear nurse’s whites. JENNY should wear a white apron and chef’s hat. ELMER wears a “loud” sports jacket, maybe a straw hat. CLEOPATRA wears a long gown and large flat necklace to suggest the Egyptian queen. Also, a straight wig, dark. CLAMS wears a “gangster suit and hat,” and DIXIE is dressed flashily with plenty of sparkling jewelry. MRS. THISTLEMIST is dressed fashionably and expensively with a hat, gloves, purse. Exercise suit (THEODORA). Bridal outfit or wedding gown (LINDA).

SOUND EFFECTS

Birds singing and chirping. Telephone ringing.

STAGING HINTS

It helps visually if the office and/or the tent can be somewhat elevated. Don’t fill the water pitcher full because someone is bound to tip it over. All that’s needed is enough water for ALVA to half fill one glass. Some canvas backing might be used to aid in the tent “effect” (Squirrel bungalow). Scattered about the grounds should be some shrubbery, especially by the bench. This can be “real” shrubbery, or it can be painted “cartoon fashion” in keeping with the cartoon quality of the farce.

THEODORA gets bigger... this effect is really one of the funniest in the play. All that’s necessary is to “stuff” Theodora’s jogging suit with more and more tissue paper or rags. Each time she will make an entrance, more padding has been added.

KATE in bandages... she should look like a walking mummy in her effort to disguise herself so no one will know her true identity.

EXTRAS: Director may wish to use additional campers from both Pocahontas and John Smith. Use them in the “crowd” scenes and songs as best fits the stage picture and music numbers.

VIVIAN on mike... when she uses the microphone to summon EVE, it has supposedly been fixed, so it’s a good effect if her voice booms out over the speaker system. Same of ADAM in ACT TWO, Scene Two.

ON STAGING A FARCE

There are a few rules that are essential in staging farce-comedy. KEEP IT MOVING. The pace must be quick and lively, but never so hectic that the audience misses dialogue or plot points. DO NOT SPEAK IF THE AUDIENCE IS LAUGHING... there’s no point to it. Wait a moment until the laughing subsides and then pick up the line. ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDLY AND CLEARLY.

It will take a few rehearsals to work out all the simultaneous action but the result is always fascinating to an audience. The play is written in a jig-saw fashion, a series of short scenes that interlock, but each scene

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must quickly flow into the next. With so much action going on simultaneously, it will be necessary to DRILL the blocking until everyone is absolutely sure of when they enter and exit, where they go, and what they do and say. There is a certain “mechanical” aspect to farce but what makes it work perfectly is enough rehearsal to smooth out any awkward spots.

Remember... no pauses. Once the play begins, it’s a non-stop express until the final blackout. —THE AUTHOR

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