The Power of Saying NO!The Power of Saying NO!

Annabel ShiltonLeadership Coach &

Consultant

ASSERTIVENESSASSERTIVENESS

What is it?

Assertiveness is about being to express yourself with confidence without have to resort to passive, aggressive or manipulative behaviour.

ComponentsComponents

Self awarenessHealthy self esteemSelf confidencePositive thinking and self talkGood interpersonal skillsEffective communicationControlling stressChoice to express yourself without the

fear of being dominated, exploited or coerced against your wishes

!!

If you are putting yourself or the other personal down in some way, your communication style is not assertive!

Basic RightsBasic Rights

?

How assertive are you?How assertive are you?

A- avoid or repress?B- find being assertive difficult most of

the time?C- find it difficult on occasion?D find it easy to be assertive?

Flight or Flight?Flight or Flight?

EMOTIONAL CONTROL!EMOTIONAL CONTROL!

BodyBreathingBrainResourceful states

Four cornerstones of Four cornerstones of AssertivenessAssertiveness

Neutral tone of voice

The words usedOpen body posture

Good eye contact

IMPORTANT!IMPORTANT!

Rapport/Mirroring and matchingBody LanguageListening skillsQuestioning Skills – how, what, when,

where

Saying “NO”Saying “NO”

Agree – say “yes”Feel resentful, tired, used

“I’ll feel guilty if I say NO”

WINDOWS ON THE WORLDWINDOWS ON THE WORLD

I’M NOT OKYOU’RE OK

I’M NOT OKYOU’RE NOT OK

I’M OKYOU’RE OK

I’M OKYOU’RE NOT OK

Helpless

Hopeless

Healthy

Hostile

DRAMA TRIANGLEDRAMA TRIANGLE

Persecutor Rescuer

Victim

We can say NO and .....We can say NO and .....

I’m sorry I really can’t take on anything else at the moment

I’m quite busy right now, perhaps laterI'd like to help you out, but I don’t have

the skills to do soI don’t need new windows – I’m happy

with what I have thank you

.....ask for what we want!.....ask for what we want!

Thanks for asking – your a nice person but I don’t want to go out with you!

I’d like you to give me a hugI want to talk to someone ....I’d like to leave now

Winning TriangleWinning Triangle

Potency Responsive

Vulnerability

Assertive communicationAssertive communication

Take ownership of your messageUse “I” statementsBe directTackle the problem not the personDeal with specifics not generalisationsDon’t over apologiseBe honest to yourselfSpontaneity

Problem PeopleProblem People

The irate

The stayer

The rabbit

Your boss!