The Primary Cause of Marital Problems and Divorce

Is a Lack of Communication.

The word communication is derived from the Latin word communis, which means to

have in common. Commonalty is essential to every form of love. Studies consistently reveal that the primary cause of marital problems and divorces is a lack of communication. Quality communication is essential to a maturing, dynamic

relationship.

If a couple knows how to talk to and listen to one another with understanding and respect, there are few problems that can’t be overcome. On the flip side, when the

communication skills are lacking, it doesn’t take much to break a marriage. Proverbs 18:21"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Be the person who speaks life into your spouse. Encouragement

defined - To mentally support; to motivate, give courage, hope or spirit; to spur on.

Introduction

We put this booklet together with the main goal of helping you have the marriage God intended. Marriage is all about your relationship with your spouse.

We were married in 1958 and after 40 years of marriage we decided to do research based on our personal experiences and mistakes. From our research, we started

developing lessons and offering marriage classes from our home.

We have provided educational classes on marriage relationship skills to hundreds of couples and have had thousands of counseling conversations with married couples over the last 17 years.

God intended for you to enjoy your marriage and have a growing, dynamic

friendship. God also designed us to meet each other’s emotional needs; but this will never happen without having good communication skills.

Portrait of marriage: For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his

wife were both naked and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:24-25).

"They shall become one flesh" is the mystery of marriage. While this phrase certainly alludes to the sexual relationship, it goes beyond this, saying that a man and wife actually become one (note that it is a process). The two complete one

another physically, psychologically, and spiritually.

A successful marriage doesn’t happen by chance. It takes effort; lots of effort! Success is something that turns out well; something that turns out as planned or intended. If you want a great, successful marriage, your actions must be

intentional (deliberate; done on purpose; not by accident).

What you learn in this booklet can be the "on-ramp" to better communication, conflict resolution, and building the emotional intimacy needed for a great marriage.

Enjoy Your Marriage The Way God Intended!!!

In Christ’s Love,

Don and Doris Flor

Communication is the process of sharing thoughts and feelings, through verbal and nonverbal means, with another person so that he or she understands what you are

attempting to express. Effective communication does not happen by accident; it is a skill which requires the discipline of development.

Psychologists have identified five levels of communication we all move through as we get to know someone. Level One: Safe Communication. Level one is the

lowest level of communication. We call it safe because it involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability

involved, and therefore no risk of rejection.

This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well. It’s the

chitchat we share with the clerk at the grocery store or a stranger at a party. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy. An example of this level

would be, “Lousy weather we’re having," "This is great pizza,” "My team won last night.”

Level Two: Others’ Opinions and Beliefs. At level two we start sharing other people’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of

ourselves through our associations. We say things like, “My mother always says…” or “One of my favorite authors said…” Such statements test the other person’s

reaction to what we’re sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions, we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or

rejection.

Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs. We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve switched our

opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain.

Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences. Sharing feelings and experiences are the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals; what we

like or don’t like, and what makes us who we are. This level is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about something, the details of our past, or

current experiences. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized, all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re no longer that person. We’re different now.

Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires. Level five is the highest level of

intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you.

Steps to Effective Communication

Blah, blah, blah! All too often the words we speak come across as meaningless chatter: Communication, the transmitting of information from one person to

another is such a common part of our lives that we engage in it without giving the words we speak much thought.

Our communication techniques can devalue those we are closest to. In fact, communication or lack thereof is among the leading causes of divorce today and

contributes to numerous problems in both personal and professional relationships.

With little practice one can not only improve his or her communication skills but

also improve relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.

When it comes to communicating through the spoken word follow these simple

steps:

1. Think before you speak: We find ourselves jokingly saying, that once again

we “open mouth and insert foot." Remember the words we say have the power to hurt or heal. Once the words have left our lips we cannot take them back. Think

before you speak!

2. If you have a complaint, turn it into a specific request, with a goal in mind. This keeps the complaint from being negative and putting the receiver on the defense. Try the sandwich approach. Give a compliment, then the request or

creative criticism, followed by another compliment. Make sure the compliments are genuine. False flattery will do more harm than good.

3. Get permission before “dumping” on another person: Ask if this is an acceptable time to unburden on them. You don’t know what kind of day they have

had, and by unloading your problem you could be adding more stress to their already stressed out day.

4. Listen to the problem, don’t try to solve it. As someone shares their problem with you, remember this is not an invitation to solve the problem nor does it

warrant your opinion, unless asked for. Often when someone shares a problem, the purpose is not seeking advice so much as the opportunity to hear themselves think

out loud.

5. Ask leading questions. Leading questions are those which give the listener the

opportunity to choose between two or more options, give their opinion, or express their feelings. Exercise caution when asking leading questions as we can influence

the answer to our question by the way we present the choices, our body language and the tone of our voice.

6. Give the listener time to respond to your question or statement before giving more information. Remember not only is silence golden, but conversation is

a two-way street involving both speaking and listening. During a conversation you make a comment then wait for the recipient to reply.

7. Eliminate background noise and distractions. Distractions whether from music, television, or any other source can make it difficult for the one being

addressed to focus on what is being said. This is especially important when addressing an elderly person who may experience a hearing loss problem or

dementia.

Body language: While the words we speak need to be chosen with care, it is

important to remember that they are only a small fraction of our conversation. The actual words we speak count for only 20% of our conversation. The tone of voice

we use when speaking and the body language we display, including our stance, carries more weight than the words we speak and will be remembered long after our words are forgotten.

Listening is just an important part of communicating with another as speaking is.

Listening is an art that involves more than just hearing what is being said. The art of listening, like that of speaking can be learned with practice.

1. Listen to not only what is being said, but perhaps more importantly to what is not being said. Look at the person as they speak. What is their body language

saying? What tone of voice are they using? What are they not saying?

2. Stop interrupting the person talking: When you interrupt, you send a message that shouts, “What I have to say is more important than what you are saying. I’m more important than you are.” It’s also important that we give our

complete attention to what is being said and stop thinking about what we are going to say next.

By listening and not planning what you are going to say, as soon as the speaker stops talking, even for a second, you are in essence putting the other person ahead

of yourself. When we are distracted we miss out on what is being said, thus hearing only part of the message that is being conveyed to us.

4. Restate what you just thought you heard: It only takes a minute to rephrase what you heard and helps to avoid misunderstandings. A simple, “If I understand

what you are saying, you said that…” can work wonders. By learning the art of communication we can not only avoid misunderstandings, convey our thoughts,

influence the opinion of others as facts are presented, give clear directions, and perhaps most important of all, improve our relationship with those closest to us.

There are three essential components of the communication process: talking, listening, and caring.

Talking: The most obvious aspect of communication is verbalizing. Scripture

exhorts us to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), and this requires a mutual attitude of openness and honesty. For love to grow in a marriage there must be regular times of interaction and comradeship.

At some point in each day, both partners should make an effort to move beyond

the level of routine conversation to verbalize hopes, disappointments, joys, fears, prayer requests and answers, plans, ideas, and interests. As a couple talks things over, confides in each other, and spends time together, they become better and

better friends.

Your mate should be your best friend. Tragically, this rarely occurs in marriage. Too often, couples get so wrapped up with their children that they hardly know each other. Then when the children leave, they discover that they are like strangers who

have been living for years under the same roof. This does not need to happen, but effort is required to avoid it. Friendships are cultivated by shared thoughts, feelings,

and experiences.

Listening: Listening is the biggest problem in effective communication. Most of us have developed poor listening habits, and this is especially true in the way we listen to our mates. Because we think we know our partners so well, we often tune them

out and miss what they are really trying to say. Preoccupation, daydreaming, worry, distractions (e.g., television), and lack of interest are a few of the barriers to

real listening.

Norm Wright mentions another barrier in Communication: Key to Your Marriage. He

observes that when one person talks to another, there are actually six messages that can be communicated

• What you mean to say. • What you actually say.

• What the other person hears. • What the other person thinks he hears.

• What the other person says about what you said. • What you think the other person said about what you said.

It is easy for the speaker to fall short of the ideal in verbalization, "Say what you mean and mean what you say." It is even easier for the listener to incorrectly

perceive, interpret, evaluate, and respond to a message.

A study conducted by Albert Mehrabian demonstrated that a listener determines the attitude of a speaker toward him by three components: the words themselves, the

tone of voice, and nonverbal factors. Significantly, the words account for only 7% of the message; the remaining 93% is communicated by the tone of voice (38%) and

non-verbal cues (55%). This is a sharp reminder that what we do speaks so loudly that our partners often cannot hear what we say.

Here are several suggestions for improving your listening skills:

1-Listening requires focused attention: Avoid the temptation of doing other things while conversing with your mate.

Make an effort to establish good eye contact. Much is communicated through facial

expressions and the eyes; so look at your partner, not at the floor, ceiling, or television.

2-Because you can think faster than a person can speak, there is a temptation to drift away and get engaged in your own thoughts. Use this extra time by looking for

key words, feelings, and subliminal messages. Work on concentrating on what your mate is really saying.

3-Show enthusiasm and interest, and be sure to ask probing and clarifying

questions to ensure effective communication. Try to set aside a special time for undistracted conversation. For many people, the late evening is best.

4-Be careful not to interrupt or jump to premature conclusions .Look for understanding even when you disagree; try to see issues from your partner's

perspective.

5-Exercise: Look up the following passages and write down a communication

principle for each one.

Help Communication Hinder Communication

Proverbs 12:25

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

Proverbs 11:13

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a

secret.

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 12:22

The LORD detests lying lips but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

Proverbs 15:23

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word.

Proverbs 18:2

Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.

Proverbs 25:11

Like apples of gold in settings of

silver is a ruling rightly given.

Proverbs 18:13

To answer before listening—that is

folly and shame.

Isaiah 50:4

The Sovereign LORD has given me a

well-instructed tongue to know the word that sustains the weary.

Proverbs 18:19

A brother wronged is more unyielding

than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.

Ephesians 4:29b

Do not let any unwholesome talk

come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up

according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:26-27

In your anger do not sin. Do not let

the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a

foothold.

1 Peter 2:22

He committed no sin, and no deceit

was found in his mouth.

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk

come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up

according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

James 1:19-20 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to

speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not

produce the righteousness that God desires.

James 3:5

Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great

boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

Caring: Caring is a key ingredient in effective communication, because it is the

genuine desire to understand the other person, to build areas of common ground,

and to deepen the relationship.

Real caring requires a willingness to concentrate on another person's strengths and accept his or her weaknesses. Caring involves transparency, vulnerability, and supportiveness; it is other-centered rather than self-centered.

Here are some suggestions for developing this aspect of your relationship. Check

the areas you need to work on:

You can enhance positive associations with your mate by visualizing times of shared joys and experiences and remembering the good things you have done together.

At least once a year, plan an overnight or a weekend retreat (if you have children, get a babysitter). Use this time to relax and discuss your marriage, family goals,

spiritual life, recreation, finances, and so forth.

Display physical affection. Touch, pat, hug, and kiss your partner.

Make it a point to notice and pay attention to your spouse when other people are

present.

Steer away from the habit of nagging and criticism.

Stretch your sphere of interests to include at least some of your mate's, and look

for ways to do things together (gardening, special projects, cultural events, tennis, etc.).

Compliment your husband or wife whenever possible.

Don't take your partner for granted; extend the kind of courtesy you showed when you were dating.

10 Tips to Effective Active Listening Skills

Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our

relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication.

In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world,

listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk.

Listening skills fuel our social, emotional, and professional success; and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.

The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened

to.

While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or redevelop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should too:

1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.

2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.

3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.

4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (“uh-huh” and

“um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?”

5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you

are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.

6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously refocus your attention on the speaker, much as you

would during meditation.

7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.

8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation.

Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out.

9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they

finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument

before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.

10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but once again, wait until the

speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”

As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when

there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view.

Credits

Used with permission from: www.powertochange.com

Rules for resolving conflict: Always treat those who are wrong the way you want to

be treated when you are wrong. Always seek to be reconciled and resist the desire to “win”

Matthew 5:24: leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Always seek to understand before

seeking to be understood

Prov 3: 13: Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains

understanding,

Isaiah 43: 18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am

doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way

in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Never assume you know their motives

or intentions, rather ask “why” assuming the best motives

Always apologize immediately when you realize you are wrong about something, even if it’s only a small part.

Proverbs 6:2-4: If you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words

of your mouth, then do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor's hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids.

Mathew 7:11-12: If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to

your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Always end conflicts saying “I forgive you.”

Col 3:12-14: Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with

each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds

them all together in perfect unity.

Never bring up past issues if they are not directly related and helpful to resolving the conflict.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a

man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."Never forget that we are speaking to someone Jesus died to save. Let your language be full of respect and grace.

Colossians 4:6:Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt,

so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Mathew 5:23-24: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in

front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Romans 12:17-19: Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace

with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. Never forget

that we are all under Gods Judgment.

Romans 2:1-11: You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning

yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the

same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that

God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God “will repay each person according to what they have done.”To

those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life.

But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there

will be wrath and anger. There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile; but glory, honor and peace for everyone who does good: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For God does not

show favoritism.

Don & Doris Flor

Soul Mates Since 1958

www.healthymarriage4you.com