the pulse 8.51 » dec. 22-28, 2011

HOLIDAY EDITION

ALEx TEAcH’SxmAS STOrYA pulse holidAy trAdition: columnist/police officer ALEx TEAcH relives A not-so-wonderful christmAs And finds ‘it’s An oK life’

NEwS » the bowl

bIkE, cHATTANOOgAcity’s new biKeshAre progrAm rolls out demo stAtionspLuS: goAt wArs in soddy-dAisy • pOLL pOSITION trAcKs polsDIzzYTOwN: third herd multiplies As A democrAt joins rAceTHE LIST: becK the hAlls! pLuS: our rocKin’ new yeAr’s eve picKs

ArT OF THE cITY

cOFFEE cuLTthe cAmp house is serious About coffee.very serious. mIcHAEL crumb inhAlesthe AromA And sAvors the flAvor

Dec. 22-28, 2011

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chaTTanoogaPulse.com • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 3

EDITORIALPublisher Zachary cooperArt Director Bill RamseyContributors Rick Baldwin • Rob Brezsny Dave castaneda • chuck crowder • michael crumbJohn DeVore • allison gorman • Janis hashesandra Kurtz • Rick Pimental-habib • matt JonesD.e. langley • Kelly lockhart • ernie Paik • Jim PfitzerBill Ramsey • alex Teach • Tara VPhotographerslesha Patterson • Josh lang

ADVERTISINGSales Director lysa greer Account Executives Rick leavell • michelle Pih

CONTACT Phone 423.265.9494Fax 423.266.2335Email [email protected]@chattanoogapulse.comGot a stamp? 1305 carter streetchattanooga, Tn 37402

LETTERSPlease limit letters to 300 words or less. letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity.

ThE FINE PRINT The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer media and is dis-tributed throughout the city of chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concen-trating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. no person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

© 2011 Brewer media

BREWER MEDIA GROUPPresident Jim Brewer II

ChATTANOOGA’S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVEchattanoogaPulse.com • Facebook.com/chattanoogaPulse

ContentsDEC. 22-28 • 2011 • ISSUE 8.51

COVER STORY

‘It’s An OK Life’ • Pulse columnist Alex Teach unwraps his annual Christmas story, a bizarre holiday dream come to life on the job. » 7

MUSIC

Double Feature• nashville indie rockers The Features to visit The honest Pint on new Year’s eve. » 12

LIFE IN ThE NOOG

Stocking Stuffing• stuffing the christmas stocking for kids is easy. For your significant other, it’s a chance to hit romantic pay dirt. » 22

ART OF ThE CITY

Legal high• The Camp House’s “coffee tea,” known as cascara, made from the dried fruit and skins of coffee cherries, might just constitute a legal high. Pulse arts writer Michael Crumb succumbs to the magical elixirs being brewed at the coffeehouse, which is elevating the coffee experience to high art. » 16


By Bill Ramsey

It wasn’t the finest day to show off Bike Chattanooga’s Bicycle Transit System. A heavy, soupy fog enveloped the Walnut Street Bridge and most of Chattanooga on Wednesday, Dec. 14, as rep-resentatives from Outdoor Chattanooga and Alta Bicycle Share met the media and curi-ous onlookers to demonstrate the new Bike Chattanooga program.

But more than a few brave cyclists climbed about the spiffy new bikes to weave their way through the mist of the bridge to take part in the demonstration ahead of a full spring launch for the pro-gram. Next year, Chattanooga will become the first city in the Southeast with a full-scale bike transit system.

The demonstration was the first of several scheduled this month to bring attention to the program, designed to help locals and tourists cycle around town on errands, to shop or expore downtown sans the parking hassles.

Jeremy Pomp, general man-ager of Bike Chattanooga, said he hopes the program will suc-ceed as it has elsewhere.

“I can’t say for sure how long it will take for noticeable in-volvement.” he said, but points to the expansion of other bike-share programs in Wash-ington D.C. and Boston as a guide. “Capital Bikeshare is expanding dramatically in its second year and Hubway will be expanding as well after the winter season. I expect Bike Chattanooga to have similar results once the product is on the ground in the spring. It will be transformative for the

city of Chattanooga.”The kiosks and bicycles—

which feature stylish, color-ful, comfortable step-through frames, seven-speed internal-ized gear hubs, a chain guard, fenders, a basket and front and rear lights—designed and maintained by Alta Bicycle Share, which operates similar programs around the globe, are another effort on the part of the city to go green, elimi-nating smog, traffic conges-tion and parking problems around the city.

The process is simple. Fre-quent riders can purchase an annual membership online

at bikechattanooga.com for $60 (an “early-bird” special and $15 off the $75 fee when the progam launches in the spring). Riders wanting a quick adventure can purchase a 24-hour member-ship for $6. More than 300 bicycles will be parked at 30 docks around the city, avail-able 24/7 all year long. When the program launches, annual members will receive a key to unlock a bike from the dock. Non-members can rent the bicycles for 24 hours by pur-chasing time at kiosks adja-cent to the docks. Trips under 60 minutes are included in the cost of the rental, but longer rides incur usage fees from $5 for 30 minutes over the first hour up to a $100 maximum for 11 to 24 hours.

If you need a bike longer, Bike Chattanooga suggests you rent from a local shop. Demo stations are located at the south end of the Walnut Street Bridge and in front of the Chattanooga Choo Choo on Market Street.

NEWS • VIEWS • RANTS • RAVESUPDATES » chaTTanoogaPulse.com FACEBOOK/chaTTanoogaPulse

tHeBoWLSODDY (hYPhEN) DAISY

Citizens fear goats will frolic on late-model cars if herd remains free

• You laugh, but soddy Daisy is seri-ous—the city will soon rule on the long-running goat Wars saga that has the ring of a hatfield-mccoy feud in north hamilton county.

on one side is Brenda smith, in-heritor and keeper of her late mother’s herd of pygmy goats. on the other are neighbors, her brother cecil smith among them, who claim the goats are a nuisance, emit goat-like odors and could be a festering pool of disease.

“she’s using them as a lawnmower,” cecil smith told the north hamilton Weekly, which, along with the chatta-noogan.com website,

keeps a close eye on the developing story. Brenda smith, who inherited 24 goats, of which 22 still survive, said her brother resents her, not the goats.

The battle began four years ago when they city crafted an ordinance allowing smith to keep the goats if she thinned the herd to 16 by 2008 then to eight by 2011, according to the weekly. smith said she believes her brother was behind the ordinance.

The goats have proven remarkably healthy, however, many living beyond the standard 10- to 15-year lifespan of pygmies. smith hopes a new ordi-nance that would prohibit those with less than 2 acres of property from aquiring new goats but let those who already own them keep them.

until the city issues a decision, some live in fear that—we kid you not—the herd will break free and be-gin playing upon the tops of “2010 model” cars, according to one con-cerned citizen quoted in the paper.

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Provinces Prefectures&


editoon RICK BALDWIN

H H H H H H H H H H HPOLL POSITION• We lied. Last issue, we said we didn’t give a whit about polls. All evidence to the contrary (including the sloppy use of “Pole” instead of “Poll” in this section), we do care. really. This week, The Pulse launched its first poll on our Facebook page, exhibiting our detailed under-standing of the political process. While we await a guest spot on Hardball, we’ll keep tabs on our polls and others. Vote early and vote often! 4/17 GALACTIC

W/COREY GLOVER & COREY HENRY + MOON TAXI

3rd Congressional District TFP Poll

1. Ron Bhalla (R)2. chuck Fleischman (R) 3. Weston Wamp (R)4. Bill Taylor (D)

3rd Congressional District Chattanoogan.com Poll

1. Weston Wamp (R)2. chuck Fleischman (R) 3. Robin smith (R)4. Jean howard-hill (R)5. J.B. Bennett (R)

Weston Wamp BeefcakePulse Cover PollLast week on Facebook, we asked fans if they’d like to see Weston Wamp shirtless on the cover of the Pulse.

1. Um, no, no please keep that shirt on! Trying to eat here!


POLITICS, MEDIA& OThER STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

The Son of Wamp stunned political watch-ers with his record-setting fundraiser at the Bogo home on Dec. 5, netting more than $250,000 in his Quix-otic first attempt at run-ning for public office.

But new Democratic challenger Bill Taylor, who tossed his hat in the ring last week, rub-bing aside the younger Wamp’s ambition like so much jock itch.

“What’s he done?,” Taylor remarked coolly in a report published on the Nooga.com website. “I’ve been in the business for 30 years of getting people the benefits they were promised.”

Taylor was alluding to his career as owner of Physician’s Practice Resources, which strikes us as the sort of firm that gets physicians the mon-ey they were promised. But what do we know?

It’s fun to have a sac-rificial Democrat in the race! Taylor is probably doomed. While we’re sure he’s got some cash to waste, it’s been 20 years since a Donk rep-resented the district in Congress. Not great odds.

Taylor is pitching himself as a compro-mise candidate repre-

sentative of the region’s Middle-of-the-Road Values. Taking a jab at the incumbent’s legal profession (referencing, we think, Shakespeare’s famous line from Henry VI, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the law-yers.”), Taylor professed not to know much about his opponent, but did acknowledge that there has long been a lack of local representative who works with the other side to get things done.

“I’m not going to dig myself into a trench and shoot at the opposition,” Taylor told Nooga. Bang!

Meanwhile, Chuck re-mains invisibly unflus-tered by the recent spate of activity, his flacks re-peating the position that the Congressman is busy tending to the business of The People in the Cap-ital. We’re always glad to hear that, because The People we talk to don’t think much business at all is being tended to in D.C.

The latest Phant to join the pack is Ron Bhalla, an Indian immi-grant and vice president of the Hamilton County Pachyderm Club. Yawn.

Trouble is, besides Dimples Wamp, the rest of the pack has all the sex appeal of Abe Vigoda.

And, really, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Besides, the Big Money is already divided. The race is set. Time to place your bets. (Hey, we cross the line between provoc-ative and outrageous on an hourly basis.)

Sure, we’ve teased and taunted the Wamp Thing, but let’s face it: If the alternative is Chuck—who might look half decent if he tamed that nasty cowlick and rocked some A&F here and there—we’d just as soon hitch our wagon to Weston, who, while lack-ing experience, seems to have a dramatic effect on the female populace here at DizzyTown. In a new Pulse Poll, voters are pretty much in favor of shirtless candidate, flexing his manflesh a la Scott Brown (see our new Facebook poll). So there you have it! Hot-ness wins the day. Isn’t politics fun?

Besides, we’re sure Weston won’t actually be running the show. Ha! Young, good-looking, energetic? Check. A Re-publican Rebel and In-dependent Thinker? We think not.

Dizzy townThird herd expands

Send us your Dizzy-ness! Email: [email protected].

THe HeRD OF WOulD-Be CONgReSSPeOPle CONTINueD to expand last week, as the pool of candidates grew to include the first Democrat to enter the fray and a third Republican challenger to mount an assualt on the 3rd District seat currently held by Chuck Fleischmann. Though other Pachyderms—notably Robin Smith and J.B. Bennett—had considered runs for Chuck’s place in Washington, the surprising fund-raising prowess of Young Weston Wamp may have deterred them from mounting what appears to be an expensive campaign ahead.

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While my lifestyle made this eventual-ity much more plausible for me than others, I’d never actually been in a sack and beaten (hung, spinning or otherwise). But I was defi-nitely in a rolling car, and no matter how they may actually compare I have to say it was fairly horrible.

December is not a notoriously snowy or icy month in the South, but it is definitely very cold and very windy. Chattanooga was once infamous for its pollution. like los Angeles, it sits in a small bowl of mountains and bluffs, and as such most houses and businesses are protected by hills and trees—but not where I worked on the interstates; those were exposed to the elements, along with the wind and wind-chill that accompany them. So those signs that say “Beware of Ice on Bridge”? They are not messing around.

It was 4 a.m. or close to it on a Christmas morning. (I

don’t really pay attention to time by this point in the shift as I go from call to call, or conve-nience store to convenience store. I carry a ra-dio on my shoulder, a phone in my pocket, an Internet-connected computer on my console and the entire world around me to pay atten-tion to so in the scheme of things “time” ranks low on my list of priorities.) But it was late, and I was coming down the ridge cut thinking about what a shitty day this had been, rolled

up appropriately into a shitty week, month and year, come to think of it.

We’d lost friends. Cantankerous elected officials were no longer the exception but the norm now, so benefits and tools being shit-canned were no longer anything new to be upset about, but I was left wondering, as we tend to do, “Is it really worth it?”

I WOulD IMAgINe THAT BeINg IN A CAR ROllINg DOWN A STeeP hillside in the dark is much akin to being held in a very large sack suspended by a rope that is set to spin and then beaten repeatedly with a large piece of fire-wood.

A Pulse Holiday Tradition Alex TeAch’s AnnuAl chrisTmAs sTory

OK‘It’s an life’

When a patch of black ice sends Officer Teach’s cruiser into roll on Christmas, he’s grateful to be rescued. Until he meets the dead cop who pulls him from the wreckage.

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I was thinking precisely this thought when much to my puzzlement my head-lights started aiming in the wrong direc-tion. I wasn’t driving towards the guard rails; that would be silly. Then I caught view of a hotel that had just been behind me, and a concrete dividing wall, then the rail again (but this time much larger, which was ridiculous because steel didn’t swell, only concrete did). This was unacceptable! I had places to be, and god help me now my coffee cup appeared to be spilling for no reason. (I actually thought all these things in the space of a second when I finally con-cluded “Oh! Crap! I’m spinning.”)

How embarrassing.I was on the Westside Drive overpass and

apparently had hit what folks call “black ice.”

My thoughts were interrupted by an an-noying impact with the guardrail which I had pierced, but not without it clipping the lower portion of the car, causing it to move slower than the top half, and therefore spin.

(There are a few seconds from the time you leave a roadway and land on the ground beyond it which really, really stretch out, making the thought of “Hey. My pen,” seem reasonable when you find it suspended mid-air instead of dropping to the floor as most reasonable pens would do. It’s actually a safety mechanism for the mind to focus on minutia instead of “The Big Picture,” espe-cially when that picture is one of you likely ending up as a bug on a cement truck wind-shield. But it’s still an interesting phenom-enon to see things float, no matter briefly. I felt like an astronaut.)

So there I was, the first contact with earth shattering the tranquility of weight-lessness and making a mess of my car in general. Wheels up, wheels down, I rolled and rolled very noisily and didn’t have a chance to think of how or if I would stop, when I did, quite abruptly, against the con-crete abutment of what had once been a semi-truck loading dock.

Stars flew and after all the fuss and dra-ma, the world grew silent. And cold. I was back in real-time, trying to get the seatbelt off that was holding me in my seat while upside down, the contents of my office (and damn-near my bladder) all around my head. “ugh.”

I was still fumbling and bleeding when I saw shoes appear on the ground outside my window. Black, plain, worn leather. Polyes-ter pants.

A cop was already there to help me, and I wasn’t the least bit surprised.

“lemme get that, par-ner.” He knelt down and reached in through glass that had broken along the way and poked the elusive buckle button as I said, “Hey—” and crashed to my head. I unhooked my hip from the center console mount, shook my head like a wet cat and crawled out.

“Thanks man, I—” I uttered then stopped. Bud Crompton. I knew him from pic-

tures. eight-point police hat tilted back, aviator shades (despite the hour), tarnished shield above a gut that looked like it was smuggling basketballs, and a gunbelt with only a revolver on one side and a nightstick on the other (tucked through the belt, not in a ringed holster). Crompton was without conscience, the guy they called when some-thing horrible needed to be done, and the last time he did so he was found mumbling to himself while dropping pebbles into the mouth of the man lying dead where he’d killed him, having chased him for killing another cop. This was 35 years ago. They say he had no conscience, but I also heard when he was dying of cancer he saw the ghosts of the men he’d killed in the room with him, and he died sweating and scared. And he’d just let me out of my smoking, crumpled car.

“Son, you’re lucky to be standin’.” He turned and walked past the car and I heard the chinking of metal. At first glance I hadn’t seen it, but after I blinked he ap-peared now to be wrapped from ankles to shoulders with old rusty leg-irons linked end to end, causing him to shuffle as he struggled under the weight. I wasn’t ter-rified, but I also couldn’t breathe or move. (OK, maybe I was. Doesn’t happen often enough to know.) Red lights suddenly flick-ered on his face and reflected from the chains as he shuffled past me, cold breath filling the air like cigarette smoke as he la-bored along.

He was walking towards east 23rd Street and what appeared to be another wreck, but the fire engine on the scene seemed all wrong. It was rounded, an older model I hadn’t seen in years. There was an am-bulance there and I was probably hurt, so I followed. Crompton walked ahead of me through the crowd that had gathered and, despite his appearance, no one seemed to care. Or at least notice; perhaps that was it. He didn’t walk through people, but he was wholly ignored. Ah, Americans.

The scene was familiar to me now, but ob-viously because I had worked it during my first six months on the job. A normal person may have freaked, but I worked a job where clients included the recently raped and the not-so-recently left-to-rot on riverbanks. If a dead cop had just helped me out of a car wreck, what’s to question?

Seven kids and two adults had been in a compact Nova, not a carseat onboard. One of the boys died when he served as an air-bag for his mother. I did CPR on him out of reflex while his mother complained of “knee pain” to a fireman, ignoring the boy, and the case ultimately made national news when she was prosecuted for his death.

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Crompton stood silently and looked from me to the boy, where I wasn’t present this time. The boy died regardless of my futile at-tempts, but it was strange seeing it done dif-ferently this night. Medics worked him, to be sure, but only as a “load-n-go” for the par-ents’ sake. little boys just shouldn’t lie there like that, I thought at the time. (I remember the coppery taste still. You don’t use a lot of “universal precautions” as they’re called, with kids. especially when you have one the same age at home.)

I turned to walk back to my car, to get away, and found I was at a hotel that hadn’t been there before. I looked around to get my bearings and noticed there was no longer a December chill but instead a hot, humid breeze. I was at the picture window of a hotel room I last saw in 1996, where, right on cue, a woman threw the drapes back and shoved bloody wrists against the window, then smeared them in a figure-eight before clos-ing them back. But I wasn’t there, only my then-partner, who, instead of breaking the window as we had and bringing her down with a comforter gripped between us (like a wild game net), waited on more cars, a mas-ter key and an ambulance.

I watched her taken away eventually (as did Crompton who watched from the park-ing lot across from us), and just knew that she lived despite the changing of events.

I walked over to Crompton, who stood there silently, and said, “I get it. I’m still in the car, right? I’m dead or dying, and you’re showing me what I already know. I didn’t make a difference. None of it made a differ-ence. Thanks.”

Crompton stood there speechless, glaring at me from behind his dark aviator shades, his only reply being a large, brown, hissing cockroach crawling from under his sunglass lens and down his left cheek and neck until it disappeared under his collar. He turned and walked toward the main roadway. I was filled with impotent rage, but moved with him, the hotel seeming to fade in a way that was scarier than the cockroach.

His puffs of cold breath had returned with the chilled air, and I followed him. The smell of transmission fluid went from faint to strong as we arrived back at my car.

“get in, par-ner,” Crompton said, his hand extending a limp finger in the general direction of the car window.

I was defeated, so I did. I crawled in and pulled myself through the shattered glass and over the loose papers and articles that adorn a cop’s mobile office—earplugs and bullets amidst toothpicks and obsolete memos and circulars, food wrappers that missed the garbage bag (or floorboard, same thing)—I was cut, bleeding, and I lay down in it, cheek against the roof, where I felt the urge to cry and decided to do so. until I saw boots appear at the door again.

Black, plain, worn leather. Polyester

pants. I closed my eyes.“Holy shit, you alright man?!” Not

Crompton’s voice.I opened my eyes and saw a hand. No

cockroaches on it, no sound of chains. I took it and emerged through the far pas-senger side window.

“Jesus, Sarge is gonna freak out. You OK? You should be sitting down, man. Want me to call somebody, ya’ motha’?” Jim Yap-pachino (immediately nicknamed “Cap-puccino” as a result). I’d trained him, once.

“No man. I’m good.” My lie was betrayed by streaks of blood pouring down my scalp and a buckling right knee as I stood up, so I acquiesced to an ambulance ride after all.

I rode with the stretcher elevated as an eMT wrapped my head, my collar having filled with blood, and it immediately made me think of my dream of Crompton and the cockroach that slid down his. I shuddered.

I answer insignificant calls. I counsel those I am able to and I fix the things I can, but I’d just had a vision of what a waste it was in the scheme of things. As I’d always suspected. As I always knew.

I made the ride to the hospital without comment, staring at the cold white lights of the cabin ceiling and wondered if my gPS was still in the car, on the hill or in a crack house already. I was OK at least, but that’s the best I could hope for I suppose:

An “OK” life. Whatever. Merry Christmas.

Epilogue: The wreck on East 23rd Street didn’t go unnoticed by all that day. A little girl named Ashley saw a policeman doing CPR on that little boy and she never knew what happened to him, but it changed her life. She became a paramedic and went on to medical school. She treated thousands of pa-tients and eventually met a president who gave her a medal for the things she’d done.

The woman in the hotel room? Indeed, she lived for a few years after this, but the officer that went in for her alone used his hands, not a comforter. She was cut and bleeding, and so was he, though he didn’t know it; an infection spread that wouldn’t have otherwise. The source of his sickness was never identified. But with Officer Teach there, it never happened—though neither would ever know it, either.

DIFFeReNCeS CAN Be MADe. We CAN even crawl through to the other side when things are at their worst sometimes, but we may never know either happened. Knowing, after all, is just vanity. But doing the job and avoiding those chains? It’s like Christmas itself—invisible yet important. And it can be a wonderful life without you ever knowing it.

But trust me on the signs that say “Be-ware of Ice on Bridge.” They are not mess-ing around.

Merry Christmas, Faithful Readers.


THUR12.22

Best Beck»Pulse PICK oF The LITTER

12.23 • LOCAL SUPERBAND RECREATES BECK’S ODELAY• If you were among the lucky ones who attended the Halloween show at Track 29, you know the recreation of the Beastie Boys’ Ill Communication by Glowing Bordis, Strung Like A Horse and Toneharm was a spot-on spectacle. Now, these creative bands who brought you that legendary show bring you Beck The Halls! Each band will play a separate set and then join forces to recreate Beck’s masterpiece, Odelay. $10 • 8 p.m. Track 29, 1400 market st. on the choo choo campus(423) 266-5000 • track29.co

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CALenDARMUSIC

Peewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes with Lew Card• Country outlaw returns from Austin. $11 • 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. (423) 267-4644 • rhythm-brews.com

EVENT

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever• Family hilarity and a holiday treat. $10+. 7 p.m. chattanooga Theatre center,400 River st. (423) 267-8534. theatrecentre.com

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MUSIC

Beck the halls! • Local superband performs Beck’s Odelay in its entirety.$10 • 8 p.m. • Track 29, 1400 market st. (423) 266-5000 • track29.co

EVENT

home for the holidays• Jerry Harvey hosts a line-up of hot new comedy talent.$10 • 8 p.m. The comedy catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd.(423) 629-2233. comedycatch.com

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hap henninger• Chattanooga’s original weird rocker. 9 p.m. The office (inside Days Inn), 901 carter st.Find them on Facebook.

EVENT

Santa’s Wine Workshop• Toast the season at Georgia Winery with the Fat Man. noon. georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy.(706) 937-WIne. georgiawines.com

FRI12.23

SAT12.24

MUSIC

Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Johnny Mathis, Elvis Presley• Spin the Christmas albums (on vinyl) by these guys—at home. Free. all night long. Your place. open bar.

EVENT

Christmas Day• Relax! You’ve got Monday off (we hope).Priceless. all day long. Your place. Food, drinks, festive holiday frivolity and cheer.

SUN12.25

NYE 2012: 21+

Ring It In, Rock It InThe Features with The Bohannons• Pulse music writer Dave castaneda features The Features at The honest Pint for new Year’s eve in his feature in this issue. here’s something else to note: The Bohannons are on that same bill for the second annual honest Pint bash. The band will then hit the road to appear on Daytrotter in Rock Island, Ill, (Daytrotter.com) for a live Internet broadcast at 3 p.m. on Jan. 2, 2012. Ring it in with The Features and see the Bohannons off on their new tour.$10 • 9 p.m. The honest Pint 35 Patten Parkway (423) 458-4192thehonestpint.com

Machines Are People Too NYE Party• The trio of power that is mRP2 always puts on one hell of a show. expect the energy level to be off the charts as JJ’s reopens after a christ-mas break to ring in the new year. We suggest you be ready push the limits into the early hours of 2012. $7 • 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 e. mlK Blvd. (423) 266-1400reverbnation.com/venue/jjsbohemia

The Dirty Guv’NahsNew Years Eve at Track 29• Track 29 has reason to celebrate, and for new Year’s eve they’re bringing jubi-lant rockers The Dirty guv’nahs to wrap up their inaugural year. The guv’nahs have begun a new album and continue to tour extensively. expect surprises! $15-$25 • 8 p.m.Track 291400 market st. on the choo choo campus(423) 266-5000track29.co

Jim Brickman’s holiday Concert12.27 • Tivoli TheaterSee Arts & entertainment calendar »P19


ing music together in mid-dle school. What began as a fun project between friends has evolved into something much larger. During their high school days, the band upgraded to playing shows around Murfreesboro and Nashville, bringing the them increased attention.

College split the members between Murfreesboro and Cookeville, but they came together to play shows and soon became a staple on the Nashville indie scene. The Features eventually locked down a record deal with Spongebath Records in 1998. Spongebath was host

to many notable acts in the Nashville area at that time, including Self, Fluid Ounces, Count Bass D and The Ka-ties.

Although this was a high point in The Features’ bud-ding career, real success didn’t come until 2004 when universal helped them re-lease their first album, Ex-hibit A. The album gained the band a larger following, particularly in the u.K., and won over critics on both sides of the pond. Following the band’s 2009 Bonnaroo per-formance, praise came from all over.

The Features have opened for bands such as Kings of leon and Manchester Or-chestra. In 2009, the Kings launched their own label, Serpents and Snakes, and signed the band, describing them as “the best undiscov-ered band around.” To date,

The Features have released two albums on the imprint, 2009’s Some Kind of Salva-tion, and its latest release, Wilderness. The band also contributed an outtake from the Wilderness ses-sions, “From Now On,” to the soundtrack of Twilight: Breaking Dawn.

Wilderness has received glowing reviews from the likes of Spin and Paste. In its review, the Nashville Scene said the band had offered up an album “that will at best finally prove to be their long-awaited and much deserved international, top-tier break-through. At worst it’s just one of the best damn rock ‘n’ roll albums you’ll hear all year.”

With that kind of en-dorsement, I recommend you check it out before the show—and don’t miss The Features as they rock in New Year’s eve with local favorites, The Bohannons, at The Pint. It’s a great event to close out a very good year and a welcome sign of good things to come in 2012.

By Dave Castaneda

SO MANY MONuMeNTAl eVeNTS HAVe occurred in Chattanooga this year—from new ven-ues and surprise concert announcements to good times with amazing friends—that it’s hard to say farewell. But even if all good things must come to an end, you can still send off 2011 right by checking out one of the year’s hottest live acts, The Features, who are set to rock the roof off The Honest Pint on New Year’s eve.

The Nashville-based Features—featuring Mat-thew Pelham, Roger Dabbs, Mark Bond and Rollum Haas—are originally from Sparta and began play-

The Features

The Featureswith The Bohannons$10 • 11 p.m.Dec. 31 The honest Pint35 Patten Pkwy.(423) 468-4192thehonestpint.com

Double Feature

Music

“One of the year’s hottest live acts, The Features, are set to rock the roof off The Honest Pint on New Year’s Eve.

Your guests will complimentyour excellent taste.

Red Bank Wine & Spirits • 3849 Dayton Blvd. • Suite 113 • 423.877.1787


WHeN THINKINg ABOuT PROgReS-sive rock, or “prog rock” for short, a few things likely come to mind: gratuitously long piec-

es, incomprehensible concept albums and Roger Dean’s cheesy fantasy landscape cover art. Drummer Alan White is best known as a longtime member of Yes, which has been guilty of all aforementioned sins at various times. However, his latest collaborative album,

created alongside Tony levin and David Torn, has a definite prog-rock soul but is free of many of the excesses associated with the genre.

The studio album Levin Torn White has the two key features of prog rock, complexity and virtuosity, delivered in manageable bites, and there’s a good balance with the power-trio configuration romping tightly through time signature changes and tricky passages.

levin, known as a sideman for Peter gabri-el and a member of King Crimson, offers his recognizable, adept bass playing and Chap-man Stick tapping. One can’t help but think of Discipline-era King Crimson when listen-ing to tracks like “ultra Mullett.” even guitar-ist David Torn’s skronking and soaring bears certain similarities to Adrian Belew’s animal-istic guitar warping; at other times, his more atmospheric playing, as on the foggy “Conver-gence,” brings to mind Robert Fripp’s sound-scape work. However, Torn seems to be care-ful to not ape those two players; instead, he fosters his own ideas based on certain foun-dations and comes up with inventive noises on numbers like “The Hood Fell.”

White’s drumming is not flashy but instead is solidly moderated, at times raising the in-tensity with quick bass-drum/cymbal-tap interplay when needed; anyone would hope to have his level of energy at the age of 62. Levin Torn White is very much a studio cre-ation—one can frequently hear levin’s notes bopping between channels—and sounds sculpted yet spontaneous. In the grand scheme of things, Levin Torn White may not rank with Discipline or Close to the Edge in the canon, but it does just fine to scratch that prog-rock itch.

Levin Torn Whitelevin Torn White(lazy Bones)

Between the sleevesERNIE PAIK

Scratching the Prog-Rock Itch


Chattanooga Live

Thur 12.22Gentleman’s Jazz Quartet7:30 p.m. sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad st. (423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.comBrock Blues Band8 p.m. The lounge at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsath-amilton.comMark “Porkchop” holder9 p.m. The office (inside Days Inn), 901 carter st. (423) 634-9191. hudson K9 p.m. The honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.comPeewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

Fri 12.23Casey Adams Band

8 p.m. acoustic café, 61 RBc Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.comBeck The halls!Glowing Bordis,

Strung Like A horse, Toneharm9 p.m. Track 29,1400 market st, choo choo campus. (423) 266-5000.

track29.coPower Players Show Band9 p.m. sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad st. (423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.comCrane10 p.m. Raw, 409 market st. (423) 756-1919. myspace.com/jimstrikerWolfie Calhoun9 p.m. The office (inside Days Inn), 901 carter st. (423) 634-9191.Bounty hunter10 p.m. Bud’s sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. budssportsbar.comThis Is Art, Skinny Ill, Colby Buckler, Wayzout, KRRS2410 p.m. market street Tavern, 850 market st. (423) 634-0260.Matt Stephens Project10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

Sat 12.24Clayton Lee 10 p.m. Raw, 409 market st. (423) 756-1919. myspace.com/jimstrikerhap henninger9 p.m. The office (inside Days Inn), 901 carter st. (423) 634-9191.

Mon 12.26Michael McDade7 p.m. sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad st. (423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.comSouthside Casual Classics8 p.m. The camphouse,

1427 Williams st. (423) 702-8081. thecamphouse.com

Tue 12.27Jim Brickman’s holiday Concert7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad street.(423) 757-5050. www.chattanooga-onstage.comhawkboy, Ocean Is Theory, Behold The Brave, Canines, Marksmen8 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 market st. (423) 757-1569. warehousevenue.com

Wed 12.28Roger Alan Wade7 p.m. sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad st. (423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.comPrime Cut Trio8 p.m. The lounge at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsath-amilton.comAFRO, Swift Earl9 p.m. The honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.comChanning Wilson9 p.m. Bud’s sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. budssportsbar.com Angie Aparo, Brent Cobb9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

PULSE PICK

Peewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes with Lew Card• Country outlaw returns from Austin. 12.22 • $11 • 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 market st. (423) 267-4644 • rhythm-brews.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send live mu-sic listings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected].

Thanks for a great year!Closed until New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve BashSaturday • December 31Machines Are People Too

Coming in 2012Friday • January 6

Casper & the Cookies • Mythical Motors

409 Market Street 423.756.1919

New Year’s Eve Bash w/Critty Upchurch 1st Floor: Live Music • 2nd Floor: Dancing

Sushi BarRestaurantNightclub

Monday NightFOOTBALL $2 DRAFTM

TOpen Mic

NIGHT50¢

WINGSW$3 SUSHI ROLLS WED. & THURS!

DJ SPICOLLI

T$1 BEER 10-11PM WEEKEND!

FRI LIVE MUSIC WITH

satCRANE

$1 BEER 10-11PM LIVE MUSIC WITH

CLAYTON LEE

DUBSTEPPARTY UPSTAIRS

PULSE PICK

Beck the halls! Glowing Bordis, Strung Like A horse, Toneharm• Three bands play separate sets then form a superband to perform Beck’s Odelay in its entirety. 12.23 • $10 • 8 p.m. Track 29, 1400 market st. on the choo choo campus(423) 266-5000track20.co


ThursdaysBen Friberg Trio7 p.m. Table 2, 232 e. 11th st. (423) 756-8253. table2restaurant.comJimmy harris7 p.m. The coconut Room at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.comOpen Mic Night7:30 p.m. The camphouse, 1427 Williams st. (423) 702-8081. thecamphouse.comBlues Jam with Rick Rushing 7:30 p.m. market street Tavern, 850 market st.,(423) 634-0260. marketstreettavern.comDJ hammer9 p.m. Bud’s sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. budssportsbar.com

FridaysJohnny Cash Tribute Band5 p.m. chattanooga choo choo Victorian lounge, 1400 market st. (423) 266-5000. choochoo.comBen Friberg Trio6:30 p.m. Table 2,

232 east 11th st. (423) 756-8253. table2restaurant.comJimmy harris7 p.m. The coconut Room at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

SaturdaysJohnny Cash Tribute Band5 p.m. chattanooga choo choo Victorian lounge, 1400 market st. (423) 266-5000. choochoo.comJimmy harris7 p.m. The coconut Room at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

MondaysJacob Johnson7 p.m. Pasha coffee and Tea,3914 st. elmo ave. (423) 475-5482. pashacoffeehouse.comBig Band Night8 p.m. The coconut Room at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.comMountain Music9 p.m. market street Tavern, 850 market st.

(423) 634-0260.

TuesdaysOpen Mic with Mike McDade8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996. tremonttavern.com

WednesdaysJimmy harris6:30 p.m. The coconut Room at The Palms at hamilton, 6925 shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.comBen Friberg Trio7 p.m. market street Tavern, 850 market st. (423) 634-0260. Open Mic Night8 p.m. acoustic café, 61 RBc Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.comDJ ScubaSteve’s enntastic Wednesdays9 p.m. holiday Bowl, 5518 Brainerd Rd. (423) 899-2695. holidaybowlbrainerd.com

Thursday, Dec. 22: 9pmOpen Mic: Mark Holder

Friday, Dec. 23: 9pmWolfie Calhoone

Saturday, Dec. 24 9pmHap Henninger

Sunday, Dec. 25Sunday Night Football • $5 Pitchers

Tuesday, Dec. 27Server Appreciation Night

$5 Pitchers • $2 Wells • $1.50 Domestics

Facebook.com/theofficechatt

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm$1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts,

$2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

901 Carter St(Inside Days Inn)423-634-9191

Nightly Specials

Chattanooga Live Regular Gigs

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send live music list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected].

Jason Thomas is Johnny cash in the Johnny cash Tribute band, performing Fridays and Saturdays in the Victorian Lounge at the chattanooga choo choo.


available on the menu at The Camp House.

A recent coffee event at The Camp House supported by Counter Cul-ture illustrates how intensely the enjoyment of coffee can be savored. Attendees imbibed four different coffees prepared five different ways and were able to talk directy with Aida Batlle of Finca Mauritania in el Salvador through a computer link. Batlle, who is personally and scientifically involved in all aspects of her production from growing to marketing, has become something of a coffee cult figure and was fea-tured in an article in The New York-er not long after the event. The next Camp House coffee event is sched-uled for Jan. 16, 2012.

Working with fresh coffee roasts, The Camp House applies precise methods and different brewing techniques to bring out flavor notes. Recently, they acquired a Japanese drip tower which cold brews three liters of coffee during a 20-hour period. Another unique brew not on the menu is the cascara “coffee tea” made from the dried fruit and skins of coffee cherries.

Pour-overs are precisely mea-sured in grams of coffee and can be prepared in a variety of methods, such as clever dripper, Chemex or the Japanese siphon.

Naturally, a prime brewing meth-od involves espresso, the making of which involves a machine which applies heat and pressure to quick brew strong coffee. There are three basic levels of espresso drinks: Macchiato, which is created by combining two ounces of espresso with one ounce of milk; cappucci-no, which adds four ounces of milk to espresso; and latte, which adds 10 to 12 ounces of milk.

The widely known “latte art” forms are created by pouring steamed milk over the coffee to cre-ate unique designs and patterns. The macchiato supports basic latte art designs, such as hearts, while the cappuccino and latte itself sup-port more complex designs.

“The artistic presentation el-evates the experience, it makes it special,” says Camp House barista and artist Robin MacKillop.

The Cult(ure) of CoffeeBy Michael Crumb

THe COFFee AT THe CAMP HOuSe BRINgS an enhanced enjoyment of this ubiquitous beverage to downtown Chattanooga. With multiple emphases on acquisition, preparation and presentation, the coffeehouse/performance venue on Williams Street elevates the coffee experience to high art.

“The Camp House is push-ing coffee culture in Chattanooga to the next lev-el,” says barista Matt Busby, who trained in Seattle, the Northwest Mecca of Coffee. To help propel this ascent, Camp

House manager Aaron Rauch, a veteran of the other coffee mecca of Portland, Ore., has engaged Dur-ham, N.C.-based Counter Culture Coffee as exclu-sive suppliers for the The Camp House.

Counter Culture has been widely recognized as one of the best roasters in the world. Busby notes that Counter Culture won the inaugural Roaster of the Year Award by Roast Magazine in 2006. More importantly, Counter Culture pursues Direct Trade coffee distribution, which suits well Rauch’s vision of developing Camp House coffee in a manner ana-lagous to a wine bar, with continually changing fea-tured coffees.

Direct Trade brings coffee to the market on its ini-tial availability, allowing Counter Culture to acquire, roast and deliver its coffee to maximize freshness. The company also delivers a better understanding of its source farms and methods of preparation of its coffee beans so aficianoados know exactly what they are drinking.

It’s worth noting here that world coffee produc-tion features two types of coffee beans: robusta and arabica.

Robusta beans form the basis for commercial cof-fee production. These are in most of the supermarket brands of coffee. Interestingly, the nation of Vietnam has become a leading producer of robusta beans.

Arabica beans form the top shelf of coffee pro-duction with a broad variety of nuanced flavors. Al-though The Camp House does offer an arabica blend that is always available, every month two new coffees are featured. One of these is available through a drip process while the other is available only through a single-cup brewing method. Featured regions in-clude Central and South America, Africa and Asian-Pacific countries. Descriptions of these coffees are

Art of the City

The Camp house1427 Williams st.(352) 573-0085thecamphouse.commonday-Friday, 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Art Creations North Shore201 Frazier Ave.

(Downtown on the North Shore)

(423) 266-3626art-creations.com • Like us on Facebook

CHATTANOOGA’S ART & CUSTOM FRAMING STORE

7351 Commons Blvd.(Behind Smokey Bones)

(423) 266-3626 Ext. 2

Art Creations Hamilton Place

HAMILTON PLACE & NORTH SHORE

Simply the Finest in Framing!Art Creations has been bringing joy to

Chattanoogans with expert framing for almost 40 years. It all starts with our personal service.

Bring your cherished photos, favorite art or prints, heirlooms or collectors items and we’ll help you select a frame and complimentary matting that

will match your dreams and decor.

MuSeuM gLASS HUNDREDS OF MAT CHOICES

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Jan. 18, 2012 • $20 tom Lynch 3-day Workshop

Jan. 19-21, 2012 • $375 CLASSeS BegIn JAnuArY 2012

drawing Fundamentals • Creativityperspective drawing • Mixed MediaColor theory • Children’s drawing

Bookbinding • Acrylics • CartooningpLuS One-dAY WOrKSHOpS In FeBruArY

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CUSTOM FRAMING

barista matt busby creates his signature latte art at The camp House. Photos by Bill Ramsey

The Camp house elevates the coffee experience to high art.


Southern Surgical Arts is the cosmetic surgery practice of Carey Nease, M.D., and Chad Deal, M.D. You’ll notice that our surgeons deliver surgical expertise that is combined with artistic ability in a personal, caring environment from the moment you walk into our office.

Drs. Nease and Deal are both Board Certified Cosmetic Surgeons. Their practice at Southern Surgical Arts is 100 percent committed, focused, dedicated to cosmetic surgery. They do nothing else but face and neck lifts, cosmetic breast surgery, tummy tucks, liposuction and SmartLipo, mommy makeovers, vaginal rejuvenation and other cosmetic procedures and services that can enhance your appearance and improve your self-confidence.

This holiday, give the gift of beauty

Southern Surgical ArtsOne North Shore200 Manufacturers RoadSuite 105423.266.3331southernsurgicalarts.com

hIS+hERS

GIFT GUIDE

2273 Gunbarrel RoadAcross from Best Buy behind Macaroni Grill

423-305-1087Sun.-Thurs. 11a.m.-9:30 p.m. Fri.-Sat. 11 a.m.-10:30 p.m.

No Delivery or Personal Checks

HOLIDAY SPECIALMONDAY-THURSDAY

LUNCH $6.99 DINNER $9.99

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Get a $15 Gift Card Free!


Thur 12.22Kids’ Day Out holiday Camp9 a.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 648-6043. cdmfun.orgFree Day at the Creative Discovery Museum10 a.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 648-6043. cdmfun.orgChattanooga’s Kids on the Block 28th Annual holiday Gift Wrap10 a.m. hamilton Place mall, 2100 hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 894-7177. hamiltonplace.comNorth Pole Limited5:45, 7:30, 9:15 p.m. chattanooga grand Junction, 4119 cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028. tvrail.comEnchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock city,1400 Patten Rd. lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675seerockcity.comMystery of TV TalkShow7 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.comLive Team Trivia7 p.m. T-Bones sports cafe, 1419 chestnut st.(423) 266-4240.tboneschatta-nooga.comThe Best Christmas Pageant Ever7 p.m. chattanooga Theatre centre, 400 River st. (423) 267-8534. theatrecentre.comNativity: A Gospel Music Explosion7 p.m. Tivoli

Theatre, 709 Broad st. (423) 757-5050.chattanooga.govhome for the holidays8 p.m. The comedy catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.comA homehouse Christmas9 p.m. The camphouse, 1427 Williams st. (423) 702-8081

Fri 12.23Chattanooga’s Kids on the Block 28th Annual holiday Gift Wrap10 a.m. hamilton Place mall, 2100

hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 894-7177. hamiltonplace.comEnchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock city, 1400 Patten Rd. lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.comMystery of Flight 1387 p.m. Vaudeville café, 138 market st. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.comhome for the holidays8 p.m. The comedy catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.comThe Best Christmas Pageant Ever

8 p.m. chattanooga Theatre centre, 400 River st. (423) 267-8534. theatrecentre.comLive Team Trivia9 p.m. amigo’s mexican Restaurant, 5450 hwy 153. (423) 875-8049. chattanoogatrivia.com

Sat 12.24Winter Wonders Exhibit10 a.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 648-6043. cdmfun.orgBreakfast with Santa!10 a.m. The elks lodge, 1211 Dodds ave. (423) 629-5831. elks.orgChattanooga’s Kids on the Block 28th Annual holiday Gift Wrap10 a.m. hamilton Place mall, 2100

hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 894-7177. hamiltonplace.comGeorgia Winery Santa’s Wine Workshop12 p.m. georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy. (706) 937-WIne. georgiawines.com

Sun 12.25Enchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock city, 1400 Patten Rd.lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com

Mon 12.26Deck The Falls8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s scenic hwy. (423) 821-2544.rubyfalls.comEnchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock city,

Arts entertainment&

PULSE PICK

Main Street Farmer’s Market• Post-Christmas, pre-New Year’s Eve goodness on sale. 12.28 • 4-5 p.m. main st. at William st.mainstreetfarmersmarket.com


1400 Patten Rd. lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.comLive Team Trivia6 p.m. Bart’s lakeshore, 5840 lake Resort Ter. (423) 870-0770. chattanoogatrivia.com“Southside Casual Classics”8 p.m. The camphouse, 1427 Williams st.(423) 702-8081.

Tue 12.27 Deck The Falls8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s scenic hwy. (423) 821-2544. rubyfalls.comEnchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock city, 1400 Patten Rd. lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.comSongwriter’s Line-up7 p.m. The camphouse, 1427 Williams st.(423) 702-8081Jim Brickman’s holiday Concert7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad st. (423) 757-5050. chattanooga.govLive Team Trivia7:30 p.m. Brewhaus, 224 Frazier ave. (423) 531-8490. chattanoogatrivia.comLive Team Trivia7:30 p.m. acoustic café, 61 RBc Dr.Ringgold, ga. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.com

Wed 12.28Deck The Falls8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s scenic hwy. (423) 821-2544.rubyfalls.comMain Street Farmer’s Market

4 p.m. main st. at Williams st.mainstreetfarm-ersmarket.comEnchanted Garden of Lights6 p.m. Rock city, 1400 Patten Rd. lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675seerockcity.comLive Team Trivia7:30 p.m. Buffalo Wild Wings, 120 market st. (423) 634-0468. chattanoogatrivia.com

OngoingDeck The Falls (thru Dec. 31)8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 s scenic hwy. (423) 821-2544. rubyfalls.com.

Winter Wonders Exhibit (thru Jan. 3)10 a.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 648-6043. www.cdmfun.orghelping hands Exhibit (thru Jan. 3)10 a.m. creative Discovery museum, 321 chestnut st. (423) 648-6043. cdmfun.orgTropical holiday Adventure (thru Jan. 1)10 a.m. Tennessee aquar-ium, 1 Broad st. (423) 648-2496. tnaqua.orgTorah Covers, Sacred Textiles Exhibit (thru Jan. 13)10 a.m. Jewish

cultural center, 5461 n. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. jewishchatta-nooga.comEnchanted Garden of Lights (thru Dec. 31)6 p.m. Rock city, 1400 Patten Rd. lookout mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com“Wearable Art” (thru Dec. 31)6 p.m. River gallery, 400 e. 2nd st. (423) 265-5033. river-gallery.comPolar Express (thru Dec. 22)sun. Imax Theater at the Tennessee aquarium, 1 Broad st. (800) 265-0695. tnaqua.orgNatural Instincts11 a.m. In-Town gallery, 26a Frazier ave. (423) 267-9214. intowngallery.com

Born to be Wild 3D (thru Jan. 12)Fri.-Thur. Imax Theater at the Tennessee aquarium, 1 Broad st. (800) 265-0695. tnaqua.orgTornado Alley 3D (thru Jan. 12)Fri-Thur. Imax Theater at the Tennessee aquarium, 1 Broad st. (800) 265-0695. tnaqua.orghappy Feet 2 (thru Jan. 12)Fri-Thur. Imax Theaterat the Tennessee aquarium, 1 Broad st. (800) 265-0695. tnaqua.org.

PULSE PICK

Jim Brickman’s holiday Concert• Holiday romance from the Adult Contemporary master. 12.27 • $25-up. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad st. (423) 757-5050. chattanooga.gov

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected].


Free Will Astrology ROB BREzSNY

ARIES (march 21-april 19): In the fictional world of the wizard harry Potter, muggles are peo-ple who have no magical pow-ers. Because of their deficiency, certain sights may be literally invisible to them, and certain places inaccessible. I’m going to boldly predict that you aries people will lose at least some of your muggleness in the coming year. a part of your life where you’ve been inept or clueless will begin to wake up. In ways that may feel surprisingly easy, you’ll be able to fill a gap in your skill set or knowledge base.

TAURUS (april 20-may 20): on Jan. 15, 1885, Wilson Bentley photographed his first snowflake. over the course of the next 46 years, he captured 5,000 more images of what he called “tiny miracles of beau-ty.” he was the first person to say that no two snowflakes are alike. In 2012, Taurus, I sug-gest that you draw inspiration from his example. The coming months will be prime time for you to lay the foundations for a worthy project that will capti-vate your imagination for a long time—and perhaps even take you decades to complete.

GEMINI (may 21-June 20): In her memoir Blood, Bones & Butter: The Inadvertent edu-cation of a Reluctant chef, gabrielle hamilton suggests my horoscopes were help-ful to her as she followed her dream to create her new York city restaurant, Prune. “I killed roaches, poisoned their nests, trapped rats, stuffed their little holes with steel wool and glass shards,” she wrote, “while my girlfriend ... walked through the place ‘purifying’ it with a burning sage smudge stick and read me my Rob Brezsny horo-scopes in support.” I would love to be of similar service to you in the coming months, gemini, as you cleanse whatever needs to be cleansed in preparation for your next big breakthrough. let the fumigation, purgation and expiation begin!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): In 1992, 30,000 americans signed a petition asking the gov-ernor of hawaii to change the

name of maui to “gilligan’s Is-land.” Fortunately, the request was turned down, and so one of the most sublime places on the planet is not now named after a silly TV sitcom. I’m urging you to avoid getting swept up in equal-ly fruitless causes during the coming months, cancerian. You will have a lot of energy to give to social causes and collective intentions in 2012, but it will be very important to choose wor-thy outlets that deserve your in-telligent passion and that have half a chance of succeeding.

LEO (July 23-aug. 22): The Palace of Versailles once served as home for French kings and their royal courts, and was the hub of the French government. To this day it remains a sym-bol of lavish wealth and high civilization. set on 26 acres, it has 700 rooms, 67 staircases, 6,000 paintings and 2,100 sculptures. The grounds fea-ture 50 fountains and 21 miles of water conduits. and yet the word “Versailles” means “ter-rain where the weeds have been pulled.” Prior to it being built up into a luxurious center of power, it was a marsh in the wilderness. I nominate it to be your inspi-rational image for the coming year, leo: a picture of the trans-formation you will begin.

VIRGO (aug. 23-sept. 22): a guy named george Reiger is a certifiable Disney freak. he has covered his skin with 2,200 tattoos of the franchise’s car-toon characters. If you plan to get anything like that much thematic body decoration in 2012, Virgo, I recommend that you draw your inspiration from cultural sources with more substantial artistry and wis-dom than Disney. For example, you could cover your torso with paintings by matisse, your arms with poems by neruda, and your legs with musical scores by mozart. Why? In the coming months it will be important for you to surround yourself with the highest influences and as-sociate yourself with the most inspiring symbols and identify yourself with the most enno-bling creativity.

LIBRA (sept. 23-oct. 22): In

the classical nahuatl language of the aztecs, the word teocuit-latl literally meant “god poop.” It was used to refer to gold, which was regarded as a divine gift that brought mixed blessings. on the one hand, gold made human beings rich. on the oth-er hand, it could render them greedy, stingy, and paranoid. so it was potentially the source of both tremendous bounty and conflict. I suspect that in 2012, libra, you will have to deal with the arrival of a special favor that carries a comparable paradox. You should be fine—harvesting the good part of the gift and not having to struggle mightily with the tough part—as long as you vow to use it with maximum in-tegrity.

SCORPIO (oct. 23-nov. 21): What spell would you like to be under in 2012? Be careful how you answer that; it might be a trick question. not because I have any interest in fooling you, of course, but rather because I want to prepare you for the trickiness that life may be ex-pressing in your vicinity. so let me frame the issue in a differ-ent way. Do you really want to be under a spell—of any kind? answer yes only if you’re posi-tive that being under a spell will help you manifest your biggest dream. and please make sure that whoever or whatever is the source of the spell is in the ser-vice of love.

SAGITTARIUS (nov. 22-Dec. 21): The environmen-tal Working group wrote the meat eater’s guide to climate change and health. It conclud-ed that if every american avoid-ed eating cheese and meat one day a week, emissions would be lowered as much as they would be by removing 7.6 million cars from the roads. This is the kind of incremental shift I urge you to specialize in during 2012, sagittarius—whether it’s in your contribution to alleviating the environmental crisis or your approach to dealing with more personal problems. commit yourself to making little chang-es that will add up to major im-provements over the long haul.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-

Jan. 19): suzan-lori Parks is a celebrated american playwright who has won both a Pulitzer Prize and a macarthur Founda-tion “genius” grant. During the time between november 2002 and november 2003, she wrote a new short play every day—a total of 365 plays in 365 days. I think you could be almost as prolific as that in 2012, capri-corn. Whatever your specialty is, I believe you will be filled with originality about how to express it. You’re also likely to have the stamina and persistence and, yes, even the discipline neces-sary to pull it off.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Pigeons are blessed with an extraordinary ability to find home, even if they’re hundreds of miles away. They have an internal compass that allows them to read the earth’s mag-netic field, and they also create a “map of smells” that gives them crucial clues as they navigate. a team of scientists performed some odd experiments that revealed a quirky aspect to the birds’ talent: If their right nos-tril is blocked, their innate skill doesn’t work nearly as well. (It’s oK if their left nostril is blocked, though.) What does this have to do with you? Well, aquari-us, you’ve been like a homing pigeon with its right nostril blocked, and it’s high time you unblocked it. In the coming months, you can’t afford to be confused about where home is, what your community consists of, or where you belong.

PISCES (Feb. 19-march 20): one of alexander the great’s teachers was aristotle, who was tutored by Plato, who himself learned from socrates. In 2012, I’d love to see you draw vital information and fresh wisdom from a lineage as impressive as that, Pisces. In my astrological opinion, you need much more than a steady diet of factoids plucked from the Internet and TV. You simply must be hungry for more substantial food for thought than you get from ran-dom encounters with unreliable sources. It will be time for you to attend vigorously to the next phase of your life-long educa-tion.

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Jonesin’ Crossword

“ThEIR hEARTS GREW ThREE SIzES ThAT DAY”—A VERITABLE WhO’S WhOVILLE.

ACROSS1. Taste tea4. Prefix with scope8. stitch together13. Razz from the audience14. “come away with me on ___” (norah Jones line)15. “get ___ on!”16. mine, in Paris17. hits the road with the band19. The underworld chase for author Deighton?21. Injured baseball players go on them: abbr.22. Response of agreement23. “crouching Tiger” director ang24. 52, to caesar25. ending for rubber28. numbers, pre-manipulation31. start of a “Flintstones” shout

33. Physicist schrodinger of theoretical cat fame34. Things you know are going to be in former Virginia governor chuck’s recycling?38. like some unions or wars39. strength40. most smooth43. “Broadway Joe”46. Different spelling, in crosswords: abbr.47. Part of a school yr.49. Kindle buy51. not feeling so hot52. Football hall-of-Famer Ronnie, playing an extra in “lord of the Rings”?55. nerve-wracking event57. suit to ___58. crux59. Fix the soundtrack60. Former steelers coach chuck61. munster or Vedder62. long swimmers63. Boxing wins

DOWN1. Jacob’s son, in the Bible2. Tristan’s partner

3. active hallucinogen in funny mushrooms4. Part of a magazine5. Black, poetically6. oscar winner mercedes for “The Fisher King”7. manufacturer8. “To Die For” director gus Van ___9. Pro at the scene of the accident10. santa monica cemetery home to dozens of dead celebrities11. Inflammation of that dangly thing in the back of your throat12. Fluffy housecat13. Derisive (or James Brown-ish) laughs18. ___-Day vitamins20. Popular26. Flow counterpart27. cleanup hitter’s stat29. “Yeah, I know that person...”

30. Failed to come up with anything32. Reply: abbr.34. competed with for superiority35. more information than is desired36. long Island Iced Tea ingredient37. ___ pinch38. Dish of fish cooked in citrus juice41. lat. and lith., once42. That’s a laugh44. overly, emphatically45. monopoly buildings48. hln host Robin50. music company known for compilations advertised on TV52. head of a French society53. “austin Powers” surname54. They wear jerseys in Jersey56. ___ lankan

MATT JONES

Jonesin’ Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For an-swers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0551.

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But wait! There’s more. The stocking! Ah, yes, the extra-credit bo-nus gift of the holiday season. Ole Saint Nick likes to fill old socks with fresh goodies, toys, candies and, according to legend, gold coins for those that have been good all year long. Those who haven’t been so good can expect what Charlie Brown got in his Hal-loween bag at each house–a rock (of coal).

Because this tradition has been ingrained in us since childhood, the Christmas stocking is now something that we as adults have to contem-plate filling, whether it’s for our kids or significant others. This can be a task just as difficult as trying to remember the names of Pokemon characters or what it was she said she wanted in the car that time when you were zoned out.

By design, the stocking is small and odd-shaped. Stuff-ing it for kids is easy—you

stuff the “foot” with a pair of socks, fill with candy and top off with a toothbrush. At least that’s what my “Santa” did growing up. And that’s what I did for my daughter when she was little.

Now that she’s grown, candy doesn’t cut it. She wants the good stuff, either stuff she needs or stuff that is presum-ably too small to wrap and place under the tree. As a dad, it’s my job to get her the gifts she wants that aren’t consid-ered “fashion.” This includes computers, iPods, cameras, performance outerwear, tennis shoes, gizmos, gadgets—basi-cally the expensive stuff. So the stocking is where I save money.

Stuffing her stocking is an ex-ercise in the art of display mar-keting. Sticking out of the top is always something inviting—a small wrapped gift that could be jewelry (but often isn’t) or an iTunes gift card. Then, as she works her way down, she’ll find

a few confectionary items (her favorite candies), the necessi-ties (toothbrush, hair ties) and finally the traditional pair of socks-stuffed-in-the-foot that I learned from my parents.

If she carefully removes the items from the top, the reac-tion starts off strong and works its way down to, “Really? A pair of socks?” But if she does what I did as a kid and dumps the stocking out into a pile on the floor, things change. Dig-ging through the rumble she’ll discover the various items ran-domly, making the experience a steady mid-level stream of enthusiasm. Needless to say, I lead with the good stuff and an-ticipate the dump.

For that special someone in your life, however, the stock-ing poses an opportunity for romantic pay dirt like no other vessel in existence. You know, you’re sitting there by the fire Christmas morning, floor cov-ered in shredded wrapping paper, your lady in the kitchen making you some coffee and eggs—seems like paradise. But once she snuggles up next to you on the sofa, you’d better thank her for all she does with a stocking full of magical good-ness the likes of which she’ll re-member until next year.

No expense can be spared and no socks can fill the foot.

You’ve got to plan this unveil-ing like you’re about to storm the beach at Normandy. godiva chocolates, perfume (the one she wears, not the one you want her to wear), soaps and lotions (the kind with fancy labels), the one small thing she asked for in the car that time when you weren’t paying attention and, of course, jewelry.

Now, jewelry doesn’t have to mean a diamond tennis brace-let or upgraded engagement ring. But it also doesn’t mean the $99 diamond dust crap in the shape of a heart that Zale’s is trying to pawn off. Be cre-ative. Handmade jewelry isn’t always expensive, but it’s just about always unique. look in her jewelry box and see what kinds of stuff she wears. If she’s a “gold” person or a “silver” per-son, head down to Blue Skies or New Moon gallery.

You’ll be surprised at how a stocking can be stuffed with more than just feet and legs. Happy Holidays!

The Art of the Stocking StuffCHRISTMAS WOulDN’T Be CHRISTMAS WITHOuT the standard household decorations of wreaths, garland, tacky red bows and a dead tree in a pool of sappy water with electric lights strung around it. And under that matchstick waiting to ignite are wrapped presents poised to either evoke immediate unbridled joy or unintended disappointment–depending on how many hints were correctly interpreted.

Life in the noog ChUCK CROWDER

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you read with a grain of salt, but let it pepper your thoughts.

“Stuffing it for kids is easy—you stuff the “foot” with a pair of socks, fill with candy and top off with a toothbrush...For that special someone in your life, however, the stocking poses an opportunity for romantic pay dirt like no other vessel in existence.

What 35 Patten Parkway was meant to be.

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week.

honest music local and regional showsWed, Dec 21

Thu, Dec 22

Wed, Dec 28

Sat, Dec 31

9pm

9pm

9pm

10pm

40oz Folklore with Test Dream and The Woremones ($3)

Hudson K ($3)

AFRO with Swift Earl ($3)

New Year’s EveThe Features with The Bohannons ($10 advance/$12 door)

Live Irish Music following the Irish Session players every Sunday night FREE SHOWS start at 7pm

the pulse 8.51 » dec. 22-28, 2011

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