Part 2 of my non-cannon distraction.

There was a flash and we were once again back in the TV room. Everyone seemed to be discussing what they had just seen as we arrived.

"There are so many possibilities with that doll." Said Anthony to Lauri. "It would not do if it ended up in the wrong hands."

"Hi everyone, enjoying it then?" I asked.

"YES!" Cried everyone in unison.

"I can't decide which bit I've enjoyed most so far," said Lauri. "Larch giving him a pounding or Lea making him loose his breakfast."

"Glad to see you are all enjoying my suffering." Said Joe dryly. His eyes alighted on the two newcomers.

"You! What are you doing here? You too Anthony." He said angrily.

"Oh that is nice." Said Alexandra. "I am the one whom he hurt, but he is upset about me being here.

"Yes because it is thanks to you that I am going though this."

"No Joe," replied Alexandra, "you brought this on yourself through how you treated me."

"She's right," I said, "and in fact I think we should be getting on.“

"I have not finished." Started Joe.

"Yes you have." I said as the now familiar light once again engulfed us.

We arrived in a darkly panelled room with two cauldrons bubbling away, and several odd items on the shelves on the walls.

"This looks familiar." Said Doc looking around.

"Yeah you have seen this room before. For my idea I decided to be lazy and reuse an existing lot."

"Hang on, your idea?" Asked Doc.

"Yeah. Yours was the dark alley, Lea's was Mr Mickles, this," I gestured at the room, "is mine."

"So...why am I here? Why aren't I back at the house watching on the big screen?“

"Good question." I said as the door behind her opened.

"Ladies," said the man who had just opened it, "can I get you some tea whilst you wait?"

Doc let out a squeal and leapt into the newcomer's arms. "My Nummy Theo!"

"I take it you have missed me then my darling Doc?" Laughed Theo as he put her down.

"Of course I have! I always miss you when we are apart.“

"As I do you." They stood looking at each other for a moment.

"Miss Di," said Theo suddenly remembering what he had come into the room to say, "Vicky said she will be here in a minute and she is sorry to keep you waiting.“

"Thanks Theo."

"You're so sexy when you are giving a message. And when you're wearing Larch's outfit." Sighed Doc.

"And you're gorgeous when you are standing there swooning over me. Or just standing there actually."

As I stood there smiling at my friends and how soppy they were when they were together, I became aware of something happening behind me.

"Er Miss Di..." Said Joe.

"Hmm?" I turned round to see Vicky materialise out of thin air. Despite myself I jumped.

"Vicky did you have to?"

She cackled. "Yes, no point in being a wicked witch if you do not use your powers?“

"I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that." I said.

"Miss Victoria?" Asked Joe shocked.

"Yes Joe, it is me."

"Vicky, fancy being my first witch to actually cast a spell in another sim?" I asked.

"I can do that if I get to cast on the person I think you're going to ask me to." She replied with a smile.

"His name begins with a 'j.'" I said.

"Then I can definitely do it." Her grin widened.

She took a couple of paces back and whipped out her wand. She waved it in a complicated motion and there was suddenly a whole lot more of Joe standing there.

"You made him fat. That is so cool." I said.

"Yes," she said laughing, "but I think I can do better."

She whipped out her wand again and started muttering something under her breath as she made more complex movements.

There was a flash and Joe was engulfed in white smoke.

As it cleared and it became obvious what Vicky had done we all burst out laughing.

"Bwuk?"

Joe started flapping his arms crazily and trying to peck the ground.

"Bwuuuk, bwuk, bwuk, bwuk!"

"Oh that is hilarious Vicky. Every time I think this day can’t get any better, something as wonderful as this happens." I said.

"I have not finished yet." She said, getting ready with her wand as the current spell started to wear off."

"Ooo that sounds good." Said Doc. "What have you got up your sleeve next?"

"Bees." Said Vicky as a jet of green light shot out of her wand.

Joe, now longer clucking like a hen, glowed for a moment before being surrounded by a swarm of spectral bees.

"This really is so much fun." Said Vicky, her eyes shining as Joe swiped at the insects buzzing round him.

"It is certainly good fun to watch." I replied, trying hard not to laugh.

"You evil bitch." Growled Joe once the insects had disappeared

"I'm evil? You are the bastard who led my sister on, and then abandoned her at the altar. You left her broken hearted," Vicky rolled up her sleeves "and for that you will pay."

There was a flash from the end of her wand. Joe suddenly clapped his hand to his mouth and ran out the room."

Vicky clapped her hands with joy. "That will teach you to call me names."

In the small bathroom Joe was being copiously sick.

He came back into the room wiping his mouth. He started to poke Vicky.

"Evil, evil bitch. Hiding behind your magic. I bet you wouldn't even say a word against me back home.“

"Joe I really don’t think it's a good idea to poke the person with the magic wand." I said grimacing.

"Right," said Vicky, "you have asked for it."

I retreated to where Doc and Theo were standing. "Don't mind if I join you over here do you?" I asked.

"Not at all."

Joe was bathed in light as Vicky let rip with her most powerful spell yet.

Doc and Theo looked on shocked. "But there's no..." Started Doc.

"I know." Said Theo.

"But that should be impossible...“

"Obviously it is not."

"Is it not great?" Laughed Vicky.

In front of Joe there now stood an empty robe.

"What the...?" He started just before the spectral person grabbed him in a headlock.

"Go on mysterious empty robe! Hit him, HIT HIM!" Shouted Theo, enjoying the fight.

"Yes hit him." I joined in, but not as enthusiastically. I really should have altered my personality more.

It came as no surprise to us that the robe, even though it was empty, kicked Joe's arse.

The robe turned towards us, lifted its arm as if waving at us before disappearing in a column of golden light.

"Aw come back!" cried Theo.

"Yeah we liked watching you beat the shit out of Joe." Said Doc.

"Hmph well I did think that you would stick around for longer than that." Said Vicky.

I turned to Vicky and smiled. "That was great Vicky.“

"I had fun." She replied.

"You'll be there for the finale?“

"Just try and stop me."

"I can unwitchify you if you want." I said.

"No I quite like being a witch, and besides it might come in handy later." She replied.

"Ok then. Doc, it's time we went."

"Already?" She said disappointedly. "I've go to go my Nummy Theo."

"I know my darling Doc. I will see you soon."

The room filled with light as we left.

You really are spoiling us Di." Said Cait as we re-appeared.

"I'm glad you think so." I replied.

"Well that is certainly a different way of travelling." Said Theo as he made sure that he still had all his limbs.

"Di you brought Nummy Theo with us." Said Doc, a huge smile on her face.

"Course, I'm not cruel enough to put you together only to tear you apart again." I replied.

"No, you're only cruel enough to have my poor Eddie marry Marielle." Said Denise.

"And cruel enough to have Marielle make Beth sad." Added Orikes.

I rolled my eyes playfully. "Yes, I'm only that cruel.

Look are you all ready for the finale now?"

"Yes.“

"Hell yeah.“

"Of course." The answer was unanimous.

"Let's go then." The light was blinding as we all vanished.

As the bright light cleared it became obvious that we were seated in an arena of some kind.

"We appear to be in a gladiator arena." Said Doc.

"Yes, what's going on?" Added Denise.

"Well you see, this idea had to happen in a quasi-classical amphitheatre. At least in my mind it did."

"Hey Di." Said Orikes,

"Yes."

"Is that Beth and William over there?"

"Yeah. Even with all of us simselves the amphitheatre wasn't full enough so I've invited a few more people. You've met everyone here, but the last time you saw them they weren't necessarily at this life

stage."

"So that's why Spider Jerusalem has materialised." Said Doc.

"Yes I needed another body and Miss Warrior-Princess likes him. A lot."

Over on the other side of the arena Stanley looked around. Although his cousin was sitting on one side of him, there were plenty of young ladies here he would like to get to know better.

He turned to Jamie and smiled at her. "This is certainly a change of pace to what I am used to. Have you any idea what Miss Di has planned? I am Stanley Legacy by the way."

"Yes Stanley I know," replied Jamie, "and can I just say I love you."

Stanley blinked at her. "You know normally it takes slightly more than me telling a beautiful lady my name to make her love me."

In the row in front Archie snorted. "If it takes more than that you're doing it wrong."

Stanley rolled his eyes at him. "Where I come from Mr Vetinari, there is an art to courtship and wooing a lovely lady. Saying 'I'm Archie, wanna see the rest of my tattoos?' just does not cut it."

Next to him Louisa blushed. She hadn't realised Stanley had overheard her telling Rosemary and Vicky about her first meeting with Archie.

Jamie decided to intervene. "I have no idea what Di is planning, but if what we have already seen is anything to go by, we’ll like it."

I stood up and looked around. "You know I think we should be getting started." I clapped my hands and a lone figure walked into the arena.

"Hi guys hiii! This is so shrew! I'm going to get to use my big sword!"

Jessica giggled. "This is going to be fun."

Joe suddenly appeared in the middle of the arena in a flash of light.

"What the devil is going on now?" He asked spinning round.

Gin drew her sword and advanced on him.

"Prepare foul beast to enter a world of pain with which you are not familiar!"

Joe looked at her in amazement. "Huh?“

"Grab a sword and let's fight!" She replied.

"You are crazy! All of you are nuts."

"Yes," I agreed, "but in a good way. Look Joe, if you don’t pick up the sword Gin'll just run you through quicker."

Gin suddenly lunged at Joe, and with a yell he leapt backwards. He circled round to the sword rack and grabbed a sword from it.

Now they were both fighting. In the stands opposite Circe was on the edge of her seat shouting "Go Gi-in, go Gi-in, go Gi-in."

Abigail was encouraging Gin in a different way. "Come on, just stab him, slash him, kill him, KILL HIM!"

Everyone was getting into the fight, cheering Gin on.

With a final flourish Gin lunged at Joe and hit him squarely.

Joe staggered backwards,

Dropped his sword and let out a gurgle as he fell to the floor

In the stands we went wild.

"We're cheering a sim's death." Said Annie turning to Katy. "Does that make us bad people?"

"It's Joe." Said Katy as way of explanation.

"True." Replied Annie and stopped worrying.

In the centre of the arena Gin was celebrating her win as Grimmy picked up Joe.

"Woo, was that shrewtastic or what? I love my big sword, I really do."

"I think Gin enjoyed that." Said Doc turning to Theo.

"Yes and it was good fun to watch too." He smiled.

Gin was still dancing in the centre of the arena when the bone phone materialised.

"Err why is there a bone phone there now?" Asked Spider Jerusalem.

Gin stopped dancing at the sound of his voice and ran over to him.

"Oh my goat Spider? How did I not realise that you are here?"

"I think you were busy having too much fun with your big sword."

"It is fun," she said, "but it is so good to see you here. Hang on, I'll come round."

"Err Gin, before you do can you place a call and get Joe back here in tact?“

"Wha? You want him back, and human?" Gin couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Please. We've not finished yet."

This cheered Gin up and she called through.

Soon Joe was standing in front of us once more.

"What the hell? Haven't you done enough to me already? You had to bring me back to inflict more pain on me?"

"No we haven’t done enough, and yes I did bring you back to inflict more pain on you. There are a few of us who still think you deserve more.

KATY?" I yelled across the arena. "WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID?"

"FIRE." She shouted back. "LOTS OF FIRE."

Suddenly Joe was surrounded by flames.

"ARGHHHH!"

We watched as the flames consumed him and for the second time in ten minutes he died.

De giggled and turned to Marina. "This really has been a fun day.“

"It certainly has." she agreed.

"Glad you've enjoyed it, but it's not over yet." A couple of ideas had occurred to me as I had watched Joe burn. "VICKY DO YOU MIND?" I shouted.

"NOT AT ALL!" She shouted back. She knew there were advantages to staying a witch.

Vicky materialised in the centre of the arena, making those in the audience who had never seen her do it before jump.

She cackled at their reactions before taking out her wand and turning her attention to Joe's tombstone.

Vicky was consumed by a pillar of magical flame as red smoke started to billow out of thin air.

When the smoke cleared we saw that a not quite alive Joe was standing before us.

"Can you see that?" Asked Theo, stunned at what he had just witnessed.

"Yeah, zombie Joe. Sweet." Said Doc.

"What now!" Wailed Joe.

"Now I want to try something I've not had the chance to yet." I stood up and called forth the power of the bat box.

On the other side of the arena Indy was watching Di, a worried look on his face.

"Are you alright Mr Vetinari?" Asked Eddie.

"Call me Indy kid, and it's just...she's going to want powers like this back home isn't she?" Replied Indy.

Eddie looked at his clicky person dancing a jig as Joe lay sobbing on the ground. He turned back to Indy.

"Yes she is, and the first thing she'll want to do is march round to my house and blast the Bitch-Queen

from Hell I am married to into a million pieces.“

"Yeah."

"The important thing though," said Vicky who had been listening, "is that not only does she not have powers like this back home, but that she can never have powers like this in Regalton."

"That's not gonna stop her wanting them." Pointed out Indy.

"No it is not," agreed Vicky, "but I think that when she starts bitching and moaning about it, if someone who cares for her reminds her exactly why she doesn't have any powers she'll be alright with it."

Indy looked at Vicky. "You are a very perceptive and wise woman Vicky."

"I know. I just wish that more people would listen to me. Did you know I am thinking of changing my middle name from Rose to Cassandra?"

"I have already said I am sorry Vicky." Said Eddie. "I should have listened to you about Marielle."

"Yes, but only here. Not back home where it counts."

Indy tuned out the two siblings' bickering and looked back at Di. Perhaps things would be alright if he took Vicky's advice.

I laughed as Joe staggered to his feet.

"Why have I never done that before? Oh, yeah. But that was fun!"

Joe looked at the audience. "So what now? He pointed to Sarah.

"You do not appear to have tortured me yet . What are you going to do to me?"

Sarah stood up. "Orikes, Jamie, Lauri, want to join me whilst I explain a bit about what more will happen to Joe?" They stood.

"What we want won't happen to you here, but rather back in Regalton, or Simmingtonbury rather.

"You see Joe," I explained, "you won't remember any of this. Oh you may flinch if you see Lea in the street, and the thought of Vicky may fill you with fear for a while, but you won't remember the specifics. In

fact only us simselves will remember today."

"So we want you to have a more permanent punishment." Said Orikes.

"One you will live with everyday for the rest of your life." Added Jamie with a smile.

"And we're not going to tell you what it is," finished Lauri, "because that will spoil the surprise."

This was too much for Joe to hear and once again he started shouting.

"You think that it was all my fault do you not? Well it was not. She would not leave me alone, and if you

are talking about that night...well it takes two to tango, and she was not exactly unforthcoming. In fact to use a modern colloquialism, she was gagging for it!"

The arena gasped. I was about to unleash another lightning bolt on Joe when I saw Eddie vault the barrier onto the arena floor. I sat back down as assorted family members raced towards Joe. The family

could handle him this time.

"You lousy, stinking weasel." Hissed Eddie poking Joe. "You took advantage of my sister you bastard. She is the innocent one in this, you are not and you deserve everything you have received today.

"Like you would be any different if a good looking young woman turned up on your doorstep one night..." Started Joe.

Eddie thought about how he had told his naked wife to get out of the spa pool on their honeymoon.

"I am different!" He said and swung a punch at Joe.

Eddie dusted himself off. He hadn't been in a full blown scrap like that since he was a teen, but he was vaguely pleased that he hadn't lost any of his form.

"Nicely done old chap." Said Theo grinning.

"Thank you."

Eddie was still steaming and looked like he was about to take another swing at Joe when his father put a hand on his shoulder.

"Eddie, please, I would like to speak to Mr Grundstrom.“

Edward obediently stepped aside.

"Mr Grundstorm," said William, "you are lucky that I am not a naturally violent man, although if I had come across you the morning after you abandoned my daughter then I would have given you a sound thrashing.

I will say that I agree with everything my son has said, and that I am still a well-respected businessman. I understand that you now run the export business your father started?"

Joe nodded his mouth dry.

William smiled slowly. "Then I hope you have a good head for business Mr Grundstrom, you are going to

need it." He turned and walked away.

Joe stood watching William until Timothy stood in front of him. "I do not know my cousin Alexandra very well, but she did not deserve to be treated as she was.“

Joe was about to utter a rebuttal when Timothy caught his jaw with a well placed right hook.

In the audience Lauri smiled and turned to the lady sitting next to her. "I rather like seeing the bespectacled Timothy taking a swing at someone."

"Yes Timothy's a good boy. Unlike his father." Agreed Hannah.

Joe had barely the chance to stand up before he was confronted by Archie. "What?" He asked. "You again? Was not once enough?"

"No." Said Archie. "It wasn't."

"That's my Little Bastard." Smiled Doc.

Archie gave a satisfied smile as he brushed off his hands after beating Joe for the second time.

"Damn this is a fun place." He muttered.

Joe stumbled as he tried to get to his feet. He finally managed it and as he straightened up he saw Stanley standing there.

"Everyone else is getting the chance to hit you, I want my turn." He growled.

This time Joe didn't even put up much of a fight as Stanley pummelled him.

"GO ON MY SON!" shouted Robert as he watched his son land punch after punch on his victim.

"Must you encourage him so dear?" Asked Cecilia.

"Yes." Answered Robert simply.

Joe finally got to his feet after Stanley had finished only to find himself face to face with Alexandra.

"Joe.“

"Alexandra."

"I thought I loved you." She said. "I would have done anything you asked. I did do anything you asked and in return you caused me more pain than I thought it was possible to feel.

I hate you Joe Grundstrom, and yet I cannot regret that I met you. Without you I might never have met Anthony, my one true love, and I would certainly not have my two eldest children."

Joe stood dumbfounded for a moment whilst the meaning of Alexandra's words sunk in.

"I am a father?"

"No." Came a voice from the stands as Bethany Smith stood up. "You are not a father, and you are certainly not our father. Anthony Smith is."

"All you are," added Christopher, "is the man who impregnated our mother. All we are is down to Alexandra and Anthony Smith, not you."

Anthony smiled as he looked at his daughter and son, his heart bursting with love for them. He had been certain that the two adults sitting on the opposite side of the arena were his children, and now hearing

them speak he had never felt so proud of them. He was sure his wife felt the same.

Looking at Joe's face I could see how much these words had hurt Joe and I smiled. Physical pain was good, but so was emotional pain.

Anthony moved forward slightly and whispered in Alexandra's ear.

"My husband would like a word with you." She said moving aside.

"Really? And what do you have to say Anthony?"

The arena erupted as Anthony's fist connected with Joe's jaw. Everyone sitting there could watch that happen again and again.

"That is all." Said Anthony.

"Yes that is all." I said. "I think that it is time for you to go home now Joe."

With a flash of light, he was gone.

"Is that it?" Asked Jessica. "It just seems a bit anti-climatic."

"Well...I suppose we could have a party.“

"A party?"

"Yes, I mean there are more people here than I've gathered in one place before. Doc and Theo are having withdrawal symptoms from each other, Gin is trying to clamber over the barrier so she can climb

onto Spider's lap and I'm fed up with just looking at that sexy beast over there." I nodded at Indy. "I think it's time we mingled." So we did, and everyone agreed that the day had been well worth it.