the relationship pyramid level - bible church of little rock is more than just... · getting to the...

Marriage Is More Than Just Staying Together Marriage Retreat Weekend Little Rock, Arkansas

August 28-39, 2015

Kevin N. Carson, D.Min.

The Relationship Pyramid

___________ Base:

___________ Skills:

___________ Level:

Marriage Is More Than Just Staying Together – page 2

© 2015 Kevin N. Carson, D.Min. @pastorkevinc [email protected]



YOUR MARRIAGE AND MARRIAGES IN AMERICA…

Areas of Interest – Application:

Contentment

– Pleased with your relationships?

– This relates to your happiness.

Expectations

– Have your spouse or other family members met or failed to meet your expectations?

– What should be your expectations?

– How do you deal with them when they are not met?

– How do you respond to disappointments?

Intimacy

– Are you and your spouse close?

– This relates to your friendship.

– Another way to consider this is communion.

Compatibility

– Are you a bit different than your spouse or others in your family?

– How do you handle differences as individuals?



The fundamental question of my marriage is,

“Who or what am I going to ____________?”

Love the Lord Your God and Your Neighbor (Matthew 22:37-40)

Love the Lord your God:

This is an issue of ____________!

Love your Neighbor:

This is an issue of ____________! (God not your neighbor)

____________ else hinges on the first and second great commandment.

Why is this important?

Because our responsibility is to ____________ like God and Christ

(Luke 6:36; cf. Eph 5:1-2)

Because God wants us to begin with our own ____________ before our spouses

(Luke 6:37-42)

Because what you ____________ or treasure directly impacts what you want and do

(Luke 6:43-45)

Because we desire to be ____________ and build our house on the right foundation

(Luke 6:46-49; cf. Matt 7:24-27)

So, what is the practical benefit of loving God and your spouse?

See Relationship Pyramid

My worship impacts my attitude, perspective, and outlook in relationship to

marriage.



– Worship God as ____________



Implications for YOUR Life:

1. Are you committed to working on your marriage as an act of worship which flows

from a covenant with God and your spouse?

2. Will you challenge your thinking, your desires and your affections to see if in fact all

three honor Christ appropriately and love your spouse sincerely?

3. Where have you tended to love yourself more than God or neighbor? How has that

been manifested?

4. Will you work with your spouse in a God-honoring way?

5. Are you more interested in just “staying together” in marriage?

6. Will you do something about it?

Do Something About It

1. Tonight, take a moment to consider where you have typically placed the focus in

your marriage.



2. Consider where you have room to grow in your life.

– Look at the areas of interest - application

– Consider if you love “you” more than God

3. Begin a conversation with your spouse regarding your worship.

4. Create a worship card, carry it with you for review, when frustrated, ask, “What am I frustrated at in this moment?”

5. Pray together as a couple and seek to worship God together for who He is and what He does (His past work, His present work, His future work).



Getting to the Heart of Marital Conflict

Sin radically ____________ marriage and often results in conflict.

Marital Conflict Began in the Garden (Genesis 3)

The context is one of ____________.

The curse of sin includes marital conflict – marital conflict is ____________.

“…your ____________ shall be for your husband,…”

“…and he shall ____________ over you.”

Many people assume other causes of marital problems. In other words, many of us play

the blame game:

– We blame our past.

– We blame our parents.

– We blame our children.

– We blame others.

– We blame our personality.

– We blame our job situation.

– We blame our circumstances.

– We blame our financial pressures.

– We blame God.

– What do you blame? I blame my ____________________________________.

Yet, the reality is that conflict in your marriage is always rooted in a spiritual

problem.



Marital harmony is only possible as I am ____________ with the Spirit.

Be Careful How You Live (Ephesians 5:15-6:9)

The solution:

“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself,

and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

The wife desires to live independently – the solution is to ____________ her husband.

The husband desires to forcefully put her in her place – the solution is to ____________

his wife.

This solution fits in a larger context of the Book of Ephesians. Watch how this text

develops to get us here.

Background:

All believers have a relationship with God through Christ which has changed each

one individually and all of us together, plus has given us the power to live godly.

Therefore, every believer is to walk (live) worthy of the calling of God in Christ (4:1).

Walk in unity, in holiness, in love, in light, and in wisdom.

Your walk with Christ should be reflected in your relationships.

There is an admonition (5:15-21) and then its application (5:22-6:9).

Be careful how you live (5:15)

Contrasts:

Not as fools But as wise

Redeeming the time, because the days are evil

Not unwise But understanding the will of the Lord



Not drunk with wine But be filled with the Spirit

(cf. Col 3:16)

The ____________ of being filled with the Spirit:

Unto ____ _____________: speaking

Unto the ____________: singing, making melody

Unto ____________: giving thanks

Unto ____________: submitting

Paul desires for us to understand it through his use of “household codes.”

Relationship One:

Relationship Two:

Relationship Three:

Women First:

What if my husband is not a good leader?

What about the men?



How should I understand loving myself in relationship to the Great Commandments?

Nourish:

Cherish:

One flesh:


Contentment

– Since the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve, there has been a contentment problem.

– Lack of contentment is part of your sin “DNA”.

– There is an attitudinal component to being filled with the Spirit though.

Your attitude reflects the Scriptures.

You become a thankful person.

You desire to submit to others out of respect for God.

– Part of “being careful how you live” would include a watchful eye to times and

places where you are less than grateful in your marriage.

– There is an incredible sense of excitement and challenge as you carefully

understand your role in the home as God-given.

– Wives, recognize that your challenge in marriage is to voluntarily submit to your

authority as part of your worship. This is an issue of sanctification.

– Husbands, recognize that your challenge in marriage is to voluntarily love your

wife in a vibrant selflessness. This is an issue of sanctification.

Expectations

– Do you think the sin nature might have something to do with expectations?

– God wants believers to know what He is up to in life and then act accordingly.

The focus on life then is to live consistent with life in Christ.

– When you are focused on your expectations in marriage,

it is hard to also be focused on your life in Christ or be filled with the Spirit.

– Wives, wouldn’t it be nice if husbands were perfect?

They’re not. Because of that, there is built-in struggle.

You know perfect leadership - Christ!

You know imperfect leadership - your husband!

Therefore, pray and help your husband rather than compare and complain.



– Wives, your challenge is to love and serve Christ while loving and serving

your husband even when your husband ‘deserves’ something different.

– Husbands, do you love your wife and desire to see her growing in Christ-likeness?

Is this your expectation of your home?

Do you have the same kinds of goals that Christ has for the church?

Intimacy

– The companionship God designed was chronically wounded in the Garden.

– Living life as a companion is much harder than it was intended.

– Companionship is related in many ways to being filled with the Spirit - including

God and others.

– Your enjoyment and ease of relationship with each other flows out of your

enjoyment and intimacy of your relationship with God.

– Wives, your communion with your husband will only be as rewarding and

God-honoring as your communion with Christ.

– Husbands, do you see that your intimacy should be continuous?

You are ‘one flesh’ with your wife.

Therefore, you should always seek to be intimate.

– Husbands, intimacy must look like “cherishing” your wife.

– Husbands, intimacy does not just mean sex!

– Wives, intimacy does mean sex!

Compatibility

– Believers are simply told to walk in wisdom - be careful how you live.

– Basically, as believers, you share God’s purposes and design for life.

You walk together!

– Sure, people are different; however, the goals and aspirations as believers are

the same.

– Therefore, this comes down to an issue of worship and focus.

– So...what about this sinner I have to live with? He is so not like the Perfect

prototype of loving headship. Yes, that’s the point. Your compatibility flows out

of your God-given position, not either person’s ability to be the perfect spouse.

– Again, compatibility issues come down to the bigger issue of worship and focus

as a believing couple.

– As ‘one flesh’ you must see each other as an extension of the other person.

Therefore, since you are one, you must be compatible.




1. The big question relates to being filled with the Spirit.

Are you (wife and husband) allowing the Word of God to dwell in you richly?

Are you walking in the Spirit? Are you taking careful advantage of your position

in Christ?

2. As believers in Christ, our challenge is to be careful how we live.

Do you watch every step of life?

3. You have a choice: to live as a fool or to live as a wise person.

Do you see your daily choices with the clarity of the Scriptures?

Do you see your marriage struggles and difficulties as part of the larger plan of God

to help you become more like Christ?

4. Again, you will lose the horizontal, neighbor-to-neighbor battle when you are not

first working on and striving to live the vertical, God-to-man battle.

Do you understand the basis for the real battle?

Do you ever point a finger at your spouse when in reality you need to consider your

own heart?


1. Take time to read Ephesians.

– How does this book describe the relationship between Christ and the church?

– Pick a portion to dwell on throughout the day.

2. Pay special attention to where you get frustrated with your spouse.

Then ask yourself, “How does this help me grow in Christ-likeness?”

3. Occasionally evaluate what is going on in your heart as it relates to yourself, God and

others. Does your attitude and actions represent that you are filled with the Spirit or

not?



The Great Race – Managing Conflict in the Family:



James 4:1-12 – The Great Race Diagram

Background: The book of James relates to believers who are in the midst of struggle. These first believers

had been scattered out of Jerusalem and their pastor is sending them a letter of

encouragement and instruction. The instruction in today’s passage flows out of a warning

against jealousy, rivalry and selfishness.

Thoughts, Desires, Affection, Response (James 4:1-12)

Believers be aware of the battle in the heart with desires: (vv. 1-6)

Where does ____________ come from?

– Your lusts that ____________ in your members

• What brings you pleasure?

• The desires ____________ to win.

– You are not ____________.

• You desire, but do ____________ have.

• You ____________ to desire and murder.

• You ____________ and war.

• Even your selfishness is reflected in your ____________.

– So where does all of this come from?

• Friendship with the world is ____________ with God.

• When you choose to be a friend of the world, you ____________ to be an enemy

of God.

– God does not want us to act this way and makes it ____________ to change.

• Your spirit ____________ desires.

• God gives you ____________ to overcome your desires.

• God also ____________ the proud.



Submission to God: (vv. 7-10)

– ____________ to God

– ____________ the devil, and he will flee from you.

– ____________ near to God and He will draw near to you.

– ____________ your hands, you sinners.

– ____________ your hearts, you double minded.

– Take sin ____________:

• Be afflicted, mourn and weep.

• Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to heaviness.

– Submit to God restated.

Your communication should ____________ the battle (vv. 11-12)

– Your communication reflects your submission to God.

– Don’t pretend to be God or perform His role.


Contentment

– Are you pleased with your spouse?

– How do you define contentment?

Status quo? Spouse pleasing you? Children “not” rebellious?

Growing closer to God through Christ?

Expectations

– Has your spouse met or failed to meet your expectations?

– What should be your expectations? How do you evaluate them?

– How do you deal with them when they are not met?

– How do you respond to disappointments?

– Are you committed to a process of change? hard effort?

Intimacy

– Are you and your spouse close?

– What is the status of your friendship?

– Are you passionate about your covenant of companionship as it is reflected in your

communion together in marriage?



– Does your relationship with Christ provide you the framework for your relationship

together?

Compatibility

– Are you a bit different than your spouse?

– How do you handle differences as individuals?

– What is your functional goal? Is it to “make it?” Have a system that “works?”

Or are you committed to ‘ministry-to-the-other-person’ living?


1. It begins with your desires. What are you living for in your marriage?

2. When you don’t get what you want, how do you respond?

What do you really want: your way or God’s way?

3. Are you willing to do the hard work of accepting God’s grace in your situation and

working on your relationship with God?

4. Do you have an appropriate sobriety about living for God in Christ?

As an individual? As a couple?

5. Will you carefully consider your responses to your spouse as a reflection of your heart,

desires, thinking and affections?

Your response is a matter of worship.


1. You can start a temptation journal. Pay special attention to the times when you are

tempted to respond to your spouse or family in ways that do not please God.

2. Take your journal and begin to consider the models you have been given to gain insight.

From insight, make a plan to change.

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