Contents

TitlePage

Dedication

Acknowledgements

ForewordbyDr.GarySmalley

1HowtheRichestManWhoEverLivedCanMakeYouHappier,MoreSuccessful,andWealthier

2TheKeytoWinningEveryRace

3TheActivityThatCreatesExtraordinarySuccess

4Solomon’sPowerSecretforTurningDreamsintoReality

5TheKeyThatOpensAnyDoor

6TheGreatAccelerator:TheKeytoMaximumSuccessinMinimumTime

7TheHappinessSecret

8TheFourQualitiesThatMakeYouInvaluable

9WinningandResolvingEveryConflict

10TurningYourWorstEnemyintoYourBestFriend

11OvercomingtheMostDestructiveForceinRelationships

12Disarmingthe“BoobyTraps”toSuccess

13TheSingleBiggestCauseofFinancialLoss

14DefeatingtheEnemyofHappinessandSuccess

15Solomon’sFoundationforSuccess

Foryourconvenienceandpersonalgrowth

CopyrightPage

Dedicatedto:

MyProverbs31-wife,ShannonLoryScott;andBobMarsh,GarySmalley,andJimShaughnessy.

Yourliveshaveprovidedmewithawonderful,day-by-day,lifetimedemonstrationofthewisdomandpowerofKing

Solomon’sProverbs.

Mychildren,Carol,Mark,Zach,Devin,Ryan,Sean,andHallieRose;

andmygrandchildren,Madelyn,Julia,andGracie.MaythewisdomofProverbsfillyourliveswithnever-endingjoy,purpose,andfulfillment.

Mylovingsister,Sandy;herwisehusband,Dr.DavidHeinze;and

myawesomeniece&nephews,Bethany,Tim,Nathan,andChristian.

Twoofthebestlifetimefriendsamancouldeverhave,Tom&MarleneDelnoce

Tremendousthankstomybrillianteditor,RogerScholl,SeniorEditor,Doubleday.YouarethebestI’veeverworkedwith…

byamillionmiles!

Mydeepappreciationandthankstomywonderfulliteraryagents,MichaelBroussardandJanMiller.Thanksforyournever-endingencouragementand

beliefintheimportanceofthisbook.

ForewordbyDr.GarySmalley

In1974, as Iwas spending thenight atSteveScott’s small home inPhoenix,Arizona,he toldmeofhiscareerdifficulties.Stevewasa littlediscouragedatthetime.Hehadjustlosthissixthjobsincegraduatingfromcollegefouryearsearlier.Itseemedtohimthatnomatterhowhardhetried,hecouldn’tkeepajobfor more than a few months. He had even tried starting his own business acoupleoftimes,butbothhadquicklyfailed.HewantedtoknowifIcouldofferhim any suggestions. I asked him to let me think about it overnight, and wecould resume our talk in themorning.After praying about it, I had an idea. Igavehimachallengeasweatebreakfast.IaskedSteve,“Howwouldyouliketobecomesmarterthanallofyourbosses?”

Hereplied,somewhatsarcastically,“Yeah,right.”

“No,”Itoldhim.“Icanpromisethatifyou’lljustdoonething,withintwoyearsyou’llbe smarter thanallofyour futurebosses.And I’ll betyou’llbeamillionairewithinfiveyears.”

He thought Iwasnuts.Thenheaskedwhathewouldneed todo.Here’swhatItoldhim:“Therearethirty-onedaysinthemonth,andtherearethirty-onechapters in the biblicalBookofProverbs.Everyday, at the start of eachday,read thechapter inProverbs that corresponds to thatparticulardate.Read twochaptersonthelastdayofmonthsthathaveonlythirtydays.Dothateveryday,monthaftermonth,andIguaranteethatwithintwoyearsyou’llbesmarterthanallofyourbosses.Doitforfiveyears,andI’llbetyoubecomeamillionaire.”Itoldhimtoreaditwithapenandpaperathandsohecouldmakenotesabouttheknowledgeandwisdomhewouldbelearning.IbelievedthatthewisdomStevewouldlearnfromProverbswouldchangehislife.WhatIdidn’tknowwasthathewouldthenusehisnewlyacquiredwisdomtochangemine.

StevetookupmychallengeandbeganreadingachapterofProverbseveryday.Within two years, he had followed Solomon’s advice to find a businesspartner,andtogethertheylaunchedastart-upmarketingcompany.Withinafewmonths,theircompanywasmakingamilliondollarsaweek.Stevedidbecomeamultimillionaireinfairlyshortorder,butthat’snottheendofthestory.

Two years after he and his partner started their business, he called andaskedmeifI’dliketowriteacoupleofbooksonmarriage.Ihadneverwrittenabookandhadbeenprayingfortenyearsfortheopportunitytowriteabookonmarriage.NowherewasSteveaskingmetowritetwo—oneformenandoneforwomen. Together we wrote my first two books in near-miraculous time, twomonths. Stevewrote and produced a commercial with Pat and Shirley Boonetalkingaboutthetwobooks,andasaresult,IfOnlyHeKnewandForBetterorfor Best became international bestsellers, changing the lives of millions offamilies.But thatstill isn’t theendof thestory.Years later,SteveaskedmeifI’d like to create a video series to helpmillionsmore. Togetherwe producedHidden Keys to Loving Relationships. Steve then wrote and producedinfomercials featuring JohnTesh andConnieSellecca toput thosevideos intomillionsofhomesandtensofthousandsofchurchlibraries.Itissafetosaythatwithoutthelaunchingofmyfirst twobooksandtheHiddenKeysvideoseries,therewouldbenoSmalleyRelationshipCentertoday.

Steve Scott has not only helpedme achievemy dreams—formore thanthirtyyears,hehasbeenoneofmyclosestfriends.ThewisdomhereceivedfromtheBookofProverbshaschangedhislife,mylife,andthelivesofmillionswhohavebenefited fromour life’swork.When I firstheardhisCDseriesLessonsfrom the Richest Man Who Ever Lived, I was blown away by its content. Iordered forty sets, one for eachmemberofmy familyandeveryemployeeonour staff. For two years, Steve and I have talked about the need to put thismaterial into print. I am thrilled that theworld is about to become acquaintedwith the incomparable wisdom and incredibly practical insights, advice, and

warnings of Solomon. As you read this book, Steve will take Solomon’steachingsanddeliver themwitha life-changingpowerandpractical simplicitythat Ibelievecanbringaboutdramaticchanges inyour life. Ihope that this isonlythefirstofmanybooksthatStevewillwriteontheProverbsthathavesoradicallychangedhislifeandmine.

CHAPTER1

HowtheRichestManWhoEverLivedCanMakeYouHappier,MoreSuccessful,andWealthier

Imaginegoingfromabelow-averagewage toapersonal incomeofmore than$600,000 per month! Imagine losing nine jobs in your first six years aftercollege,and then,onyour tenth job,buildingmore thanadozenmultimillion-dollar businesses from scratch, achieving sales of billions of dollars. Imaginedoing all of this by following specific steps taught by Solomon in the OldTestamentBookofProverbs.Inanutshell,thatismypersonalstory.Nowthinkaboutit:

Before:EarnedlessthanhalfoftheincomeoftheaverageAmericanwageearner.

After:Incomerosefrom$18,000peryeartomorethan$7million.

Before:Diagnosed a hopeless corporate failure with a success rate of 0percent.

After:A twenty-nine-year career success rate of over 60 percent in anindustrywheretheaveragesuccessrateisunder1percent.

Andjustasconvincing tomeiswhathappenedwhenIactedcontrary toSolomon’sadvice.Onthreeoccasions,Iviolatedthreeofhiswarningsandlostmillionsofdollarsthroughbadinvestmentdecisions.HadIfollowedSolomon’sadvice,Iwouldnothavelostapenny.Iignoredhisadviceonrelationshipsandwatched one of the happiestmarriages inAmerica fall apart. Then, followingSolomon’s advice on relationships, my marriage was restored and today is

happierthanever!

IffollowingSolomon’sadvicehadworkedonlyafewtimesinthecourseofmylife,wecouldcallitcoincidence.Ifignoringhisadviceandwarningshadresultedinafewminorsetbacks,wecouldcallitchance.Butwhenfollowinghisadvicehascreatedsuchsignificantpersonal,business,andfinancialsuccessyearafteryearformeandforcountlessothers,andfailingtoheedhiswarningshascausedheartbreakingpersonalandfinancialdisasters,eventheheartiestskepticmust admit what wise men and kings and queens the world over onceacknowledged—thatSolomonwasthewisestmanwhoeverlived.

Justastherearephysicallawsthatgovernthephysicaluniverse,Solomonreveals“lawsofliving”thatinvisiblygovernallaspectsoflife.

Everytimeyousteponboardanairliner,thephysicallawsofgravityandaerodynamicsgovernyourultimatedestiny.Ifyourpilotandtheairplaneoperateinaccordancewith those laws,youwillsafelyarriveatyourdestination.If foranyreasonwhatsoever theydonotoperate inaccordancewith those laws,youwill return to the ground, oneway or another. It doesn’tmatter how you feelabout these laws,whetheryou love themorhate them,whetheryouchoose toignorethemornot;theystillexistandtheywillgovernyourflight.Fortunately,pilots,aeronauticalengineers,andaircraftdesignersfullyunderstandtheselaws,andthustheyareabletousethemtogreatadvantage.Theyareabletobuildandflyaircraftthatmoveusquickly,safely,andcomfortablytoourdestinations.Iftheywereignorantoftheselaws,noairplaneswouldbeabletofly.

Justas therearephysical lawsthatgoverntheuniverse, thereare lawsofliving that are just as sureand true. Itdoesn’tmatter ifyou love themorhatethem,theystillexist,andtheywillgovernyourlife.SolomonrevealstheselawsinthebiblicalBookofProverbs,andmoreimportant,showsushowtousethemtoouradvantage.Thelawsofgravityandaerodynamicshavealwaysexisted,butuntil theywerelearnedandunderstood,theykepttheentirehumanraceonthe

ground; once theywere discovered, they became the very basis for achievinghumanflight.

Thelawsoflivingareasoldashumanlifeitself.Beingignorantofthemonlyrestrictsyourabilitytoachievegenuinehappiness,fulfillment,purpose,andsuccess.Manypeopleactinaccordancewithsomeoftheselawscoincidentally,without knowing or understanding them, and they gain a level of success orhappinessbydoingso.Butmoreoftenthannot,ignoranceoftheselawscreatesinsurmountablebarrierstosustainedsuccessandfulfillment.Ontheotherhand,thosewholearntheselawsandhowtousethemintheirflightthroughlifewillachievealevelofpurpose,success,andhappinessthatotherscanonlydreamof.Thepurpose-drivenlifewillbecomethepurpose-accomplishedlife.

ThePrayerofSolomon

Solomonwasbornaround974B.C.andwas installedasKingof Israelbyhisfather, David, shortly before David died. Solomon was twelve years old.SolomonwasterrifiedofrulingIsrael,afraidthathedidn’thavethewisdomtodo so.According to theOld Testament,God appeared to Solomon and askedhim what he wanted. Solomon answered, asking only for wisdom andknowledgesothathecouldrightlyjudgethegreatpeopleofIsrael(IKings3:9;IIChronicles1:10).God then toldSolomon thatbecausehehadnot asked forriches,wealth,honor, the lifeofhisenemies,nora longer life forhimself,HewouldgiveSolomonmorewisdom,knowledge, riches,wealth,andhonor thananykingbeforehimoranykingthatwouldcomeafterhim.Whatwaspromisedwas delivered. Solomon’s wisdom, success, and wealth increased beyondimagination.Intermsofwealth,somehavesuggestedthatintoday’sdollars,hemay well have been a “trillionaire.” In addition to his gold reserves worthhundredsofbillionsofdollars in today’smarket,heowned4,000stallsforhishorsesandchariots,andkept12,000horsemenonhispayroll.Rulersofnationsthroughouttheworldsoughthisadvice,andpaiddearlyforit.However,bythe

middle of his life, he began to violate the laws of living, its principles andstrategies that he sowisely articulated in theBookofProverbs; as he did, hissuccess and happiness vaporized. Fortunately for us, he recordedmany of hislawsforlivingintheBookofProverbs.

CrackingtheSolomonCode

AlthougheachProverbprovidesanobviousinsight,oftentherealtreasureofaProverb is buried deep beneath its surface. Solomon implores us in chapter 2,verse4, tosearchforwisdomandknowledgeaswewouldsearchforsilverorburiedtreasure.Todothis,wemustoftenlookdeeperbeneaththesurface,atthebackgroundoftheProverb,itscontext,andevennuancesoftheHebrewwordsthatmake up the original text of Proverbs. Inmany cases,we can find addedtreasurebylookingattheconversemeaningofaProverb.Andlast,butnotleast,we must look at the broader spirit of the Proverb and not just the narrowmeaningoftheliteralstatement.Aswedothis,wenotonlydiscoverSolomon’slawsforliving,wefindthesilverandburiedtreasurehetalkedabout—treasurethatwilllastbeyondourlifetime.

I’m not the only person who has achieved his impossible dreams byfollowing Solomon’s strategies. I love reading biographies of thosewho haveachievedextraordinaryaccomplishments,both inmodern timesand throughouthistory.AsIhavestudiedtheirlives,Ihavediscoveredthattheirsuccesses,too,wererealizedbyactionsandattitudes that reflectedSolomon’s teachings,eventhough somemay have never read his writings. GeorgeWashington, ThomasJefferson,AbrahamLincoln,HenryFord,andThomasEdisonwereallreadersofProverbsintheiryouth.ButeveninlookingatthelivesofmoderniconssuchasBillGates,SamWalton,HelenKeller,StevenSpielberg,andOprahWinfrey,weseethattheyhaveachievedtheirimpossibledreamsbydoingtheverythingsthatSolomon advises each of us to do. I’ve also seen disasters befall men,companies, and nations when they acted contrary to Solomon’s admonitions.

Adolf Hitler was able to bewitch an entire nation because they ignoredSolomon’swarnings.AmericawascaughtoffguardatPearlHarbor.Recently,theexecutivesofAmerica’sseventh-largestcorporationdroveitintothelargestcorporate bankruptcy in American history. All of these events were broughtaboutbyviolatingahandfulofSolomon’sadmonitions.

WhatCanSolomon’sWisdomDoforYou?

So what can Solomon’s insights and teachings do for your career, yourrelationships,andyourpersonallife?Nomatterwhatyouthinktheycando,theycandoinfinitelymore.HerearejustafewoftherewardsSolomonsaysyoucanlookforwardtowhenyoufollowhisadvice.

TheBenefitsofSolomon’sStrategies

•Knowledge

•Discretion

•Goodjudgment

•Preservationandprotection

•Success

•Betterhealth

•Longerlife

•Honor

•Financialabundance

•Favorofthoseinauthority

•Commendationandpromotions

•Financialindependence

•Confidence

•Strengthofcharacter

•Courage

•Extraordinaryachievement

•Personalfulfillment

•Greatrelationships

•Atrulymeaningfullife

•Loveandadmirationofothers

•Understanding

•Truewisdom

Solomongivesuspowerfulstrategiesandlife-changingtacticsforachievingextraordinaryoutcomes.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that what you’re about to read issimplyacollectionofgeneralprinciplesandpoeticplatitudes.Solomonwasfartoowise to waste his time and yours with suchmeaningless generalities. Hiswritingsprovideprecisestepsthatcanbetakeninyourpersonalandprofessionallife to produce astounding results. In this book, I focus on the strategies andsteps articulated in the biblical Book of Proverbs that I have applied to thebusiness, personal, and financial areas of my own life. After we examineSolomon’sadviceineachchapter,IwillthenoffersomesimpletechniquesthatI

haveusedtoimplementhisadviceinmydailylife.

Attheconclusionofeachchapter,I’veaddedasectioncalled“KnowledgetoWisdom,”withspecificexercisestoenableyoutoapplySolomon’sadviceinapracticalandpowerfulway.Dothis,andyouwillbegintoexperienceagreaterlevelofsuccessandpersonalfulfillmentthanyouhaveeverimagined.Nomatterhow successful youmaybe right now,your future is about toget awhole lotbetter.Lettheadventurebegin!

CHAPTER2

TheKeytoWinningEveryRace

Doyouseeamandiligentinhisbusiness?Heshallstandbeforekings.

—PROVERBS22:29

BecometheOneinaThousandWhoAchievesIncredibleOutcomesInanyendeavorweundertake,oranygoalwepursue,wecanexperienceoutcomesthatareincredible,great,good,okay,poor,terrible,orcatastrophic.Inmyfifty-plusyears,Ihaveexperiencedalloftheseoutcomespersonally,professionally,andfinancially.Studyingthelivesofmanyofhistory’smostsuccessfulpeople,Idiscoveredthatthey,too,haveexperiencedthegamutoftheseoutcomesinoneormoreareasoftheirlives.Butintheareasoftheirgreatestachievements,withoutexception,theyhaveachievedincredibleoutcomes.Andeveryoneofthemachievedtheirincredibleoutcomesbecausetheylearnedandutilizedonesimple,yetincrediblypowerful,skill.Thisskillwastheirkeytoachievingtheirimpossibledreams.GeorgeWashington,ThomasJefferson,BenjaminFranklin,ThomasEdison,ClaraBarton,JohnD.Rockefeller,HenryFord,SamWalton,WaltDisney,BillGates,OprahWinfrey,andStevenSpielbergarejustafewofthepeoplewhohaveusedit.Thefactis,wheneveritisused,itultimatelyproducesincredibleoutcomes.Moreover,incredibleoutcomesarealmostneverachievedwithoutit.

Unfortunately,lessthanoneinathousandpeoplefullyutilizeit.Thegood

newsisthatitisaskillthatcanbeeasilylearned.Anditcanbeusedbyanyone,regardlessoftheirbackground,education,orIQ.

I’mtalkingabouttheskillofdiligence.Mostpeoplethinktheyunderstandwhat diligence means, but nothing could be further from the truth. WhenSolomontalksaboutdiligence,he’stalkingaboutatraitthatisasrareasaten-carat diamond. The reason it’s so rare is that true diligence runs contrary tohumannature.

Weallhavetraitsthatarepartofthehumancondition.Thesetraitsproduceournaturaldrives, inclinations,strengths,andweaknesses.Diligence,however,isnotoneofthem.Infact,thetraitcommontoallhumansisourdesireordriveforinstantgratification.Wewantasmuchaswecanget,asfastaswecangetit,with as little effort as possible. That is our nature. We all have a naturalinclinationtofollowthepathofleastresistance.Fortunately,despiteournaturalinclination, we can choose to follow a path of greater resistance and becomediligentinthepursuitofanyendeavor,project,orgoal.AndifyoudevelopthekindofdiligencethatSolomonrefersto,youcanachieveincredibleoutcomesinanyimportantareaofyourlife.

Solomon’sConceptofDiligence(It’sNotWhatYouThink)

Mycomputer dictionary describes diligence as “a persistent and hard-workingeffortindoingsomething.”Ilovetheword“persistent”;persistenceiscertainlyapartofdiligence.“Hard-working,”ontheotherhand,isnotthemostaccuratetermtousewhentryingtounderstandSolomon’smeaning.I’dprefertousethephrase“smart-working.”IfIneedtocutdownatreeandtrytocutitdownwithahammer, thatwouldbehard-working,but it certainlywouldnotbediligent. Itcould takeme hours, even days, to chop down a treewith a hammer.On theotherhand, if Iuseachain sawImightcut that same treedown inminutes. Iwould not be working nearly as hard, but I’d be working a lot smarter. My

computer software lists the following words as synonyms of diligence:meticulousness, conscientiousness, thoroughness, andcarefulness.Althoughallof these qualities are important aspects of diligence, they do not fully conveySolomon’smeaning.

TofullyunderstandwhatSolomonmeantbytheword“diligent,”weneedto add those qualities to Solomon’s words found in Proverbs 20:11: “Even achildisknownbyhisdoings,whetherhisworkbepureandwhetheritberight.”Thekeywordshereare“pure”and“right.”Solomonuses theword“pure”notjustinthesenseofamoralorethicalvalue,butratheraboutworkinitspurestform. It’smore akin to amining term than an ethical term. Solomon’sminesrepresenteda tremendousportionofhiswealth;heoftenusedmining terms inhiswritings.And ifyou’reminingforgold,whatdoyoudo?Youdiga lotofdirt, you find a big rock, and you take that big rock and subject it to atremendousamountofheat.Thismeltsalloftheimpurities.What’sleftbehindispuregold.Thatisthe“pure”sideofdiligence.It’sgettingdowntoinvestingone’sdays,hours,andminutesinthatwhichbringsapurereturnonthetimeandeffortinvested.

Theothersideofdiligenceisthe“right”side.It’snotjustaboutworkingatsomething with persistence and by working smart. It’s about doing it right—expeditiously,efficiently,andeffectively.Inotherwords,doingitontimetothe highest standards possible, regardless ofwhat is demanded or expected. Itmeans bringing creativity, persistence, and even other people and outsideresourcesintotheefforttoachieveanextraordinaryoutcome.

DILIGENCE is a learnable skill that combines: creativepersistence, a smart-working effort rightly planned and rightlyperformed in a timely, efficient, andeffectivemanner toattainaresultthatispureandofthehighestqualityofexcellence.

Now, before you back away and say, “That’s just not me. I’m not acreativeorpersistentkindofperson,”letmetellyou,youcanbe.Allyouneedto do is follow Solomon’s recipe for developing the skill of diligence. Heunderstood that anyone could develop this skill. Remember, he said, “Even achild . . .”Andoncewe’vemastered theartofdiligence,wecanuse it inanyimportant area of our lives, in any endeavor or pursuit, to achieve incredibleoutcomes. We can use it to turn poor marriages into great marriages; goodcareersintoincrediblecareers;andafailingbusinessintoasuccessfulone.

Soundcomplicated?That’sbecausetruediligenceinvolvesmanyqualities.Thatiswhytruediligenceissorare.Perhapsitmightbemoreeasilyunderstoodbyasimpleillustration.

Myfreshmanyearofcollege,IwasmadeaplatooncommanderinROTC.Theother thirty-nineplatooncommanderswere juniorsandseniors.ThemajorROTC event of the year was the annual drill competition among the fortyplatoons. Prior to the competition, one officer thought his platoonwould winhandsdown.He thoughthe andhis platoonhadbeendiligent all year in theirweekly 7:00 A.M. drill sessions. What he didn’t know was that my platoonshowedup everyweek at 6:00A.M. (voluntarily) andpracticed for twohoursinsteadofone.Hedidn’trealizethatIhadtaughtmyplatooncomplexdrill-teammaneuvers during the hour each week that we alone occupied the drill field.Every one of the thirty cadets in my platoon worked diligently to master themaneuvers.

Bythetimethecompetitionrolledaround,wehadpracticedtwiceasmanyhoursand learnedfarmorecomplex routines. In relation to theotherplatoons,we had been truly diligent, while the others only thought they were beingdiligent. The result was an “incredible outcome.”My platoon won the event,scoring 287 points out of a possible 300. The favored platoon placed second,

scoringonly168points. Iwas theonlyfreshmantocommandaplatoonin thehistoryofROTCatArizonaStateUniversitytowintheannualdrillcompetition.I was named Cadet of the Year, given a ninety-minute ride in a supersonicfighter,andofferedanAirForceflightscholarshiptopayfortheremainingthreeyearsofmycollegeeducation.Inallfairness,however,weallwonit—myentireplatoon. And we did it, not because we were smarter or better educated, butbecauseweweretrulydiligent.

TheRewardsofBecomingTrulyDiligentItishumannaturetofollowthepathofleastresistance.Solomonunderstoodthatweneedtobemotivatedtochoosediligenceoverournaturalinclinationto“gowiththeflow.”Andwhatisthatmotivation?Beingtrulydiligent,hetellsus,bringsuspricelessrewards,whilealackofdiligencecanproducedevastatingconsequences.Herearesomeoftherewardshepromises.

Youwillgainsureadvantage.

In any endeavor, would you rather pursue it having a strong andunshakable advantage, or having a lasting handicap? Solomon assures us thatthosewho are truly diligentwill gain an insurmountable advantageover thosewho are not. He says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage”(Proverbs 21:5). Whether we’re competing against companies, individuals,circumstances, or simply time, diligencewill give us a unique advantage, onethatwillresultingreaterproductivity,achievement,wealth,andfulfillment.

Youwillbeincontrolofthesituation,ratherthanhavethesituationcontrolyou.

Would you prefer to have your life controlled by your boss and otherpeople,orwouldyourathercontrolyourownlife?Solomonsays,“Thehandofthediligentwill rule,but theslackhandwillbeput to forced labor”(Proverbs

12:24). Those who are truly diligent not only control their own destiny, butenhancetheachievementsofthosearoundthemaswell.

Youwillexperiencetruefulfillment.

Thevastmajorityofpeopleareinaperpetualstateofhunger.Notforfood,at least inAmerica,butfor things.Americanstodayhavemoredebtandlowersavingsthananygenerationinournation’shistory.Nomatterwhatwehave,itseemsas if it isneverenough.Contentmentand true fulfillmentseemtobeasrareasawinning lottery ticket. Incontrast,Solomon tellsus,“Thesoulof thediligentismadefat”(Proverbs13:4).Whenusingtheword“soul,”Solomonisreferringtoamanorwoman’sinnermostbeing,theirverycore,theseatoftheirpersonality and emotions. Imagine being so contented and fulfilled that youcravenothing.That’sthekindoffulfillmentthatispromisedtothediligent.

Youwillattaintherespectandadmirationofthoseinauthority.

Whileothers fight tobenoticed, thediligentare soughtoutbypeople inpositionsofauthorityorprominence.ThatiswhatSolomonmeanswhenhesaysthat the person who is diligent in their business “shall stand before kings”(Proverbs22:29).Theirachievementsbecomebrightstarsthatgiveoffsomuchlightthattheydrawtheattentionofallaroundthem.

Yourneedswillbesatisfied.

Thosewhoworkdiligentlyintheirfieldofexpertisewillachieveenoughmaterialsuccesstosatisfytheirneeds.InProverbs28:19,Solomonwrites,“Hethattillshislandshallbesatisfiedwithbread,buthethatfollowsvainpersonsisvoidofunderstanding.”Herehealsowarnsthatifyoustrayfromyourfieldofendeavors to follow vain people or their advice, you will lose the path tounderstanding.Translation:Don’tbe fooledbypeoplewho look successfulonthe surfaceandoffer “get-rich-quick schemes” that sound toogood tobe true.

Theyare.Whenyouencountersuchpeople,runaway.

Youwillexperienceever-increasingsuccess.

Solomonassuresusthatthosewhodiligentlylaborwillexperiencesuccessandwealth that continually grow, butmoney that comes to us easily,withoutsignificanteffort,willnearlyalwaysbelost.Hesays,“Wealthgottenbyvanityshallbediminishedbuthethatgathersbylaborshallincrease”(Proverbs13:11).Ashardas it is tobelieve,most lotterywinners loseallof theirwinnings inarelatively short amount of time.And even gamblerswho are lucky enough towinbigeventually lose theirwinningsandendup indebt.Thecasinos inLasVegasdon’tofferfreepalatialhotelsuitestohighrollersoutofthegoodnessoftheirheart.Theydoitbecausetheyknowthatnomatterhowmuchahighrollerwins,hewillultimatelylosealotmore.

Youreffortswillbeprofitable.

Solomonpromises thatALLdiligent laborresults inaprofit—onethat ismeasuredbythesuccessfulachievementofyourgoals,andthefinancialrewardyoureceiveforachievingthosegoals.InProverbs14:23,hesays,“Inall laborthere is profit, butmere talk leads only to poverty.”Apply that labor to yourmarriage or your parenting efforts, and your profit will be measured by theamountof fulfillmentyouandyour familygain.Mere talk,on theotherhand,Solomonwarns, ischeapandeasy,andleadsonlytopoverty.Diligent labor isdemanding.Itrequiresvision,creativity,commitment,andeffectivepartnering.Essentially,Solomonistellingusthatifyouarenotprofitableinyourcareer,orif yourmarriage isn’t as fulfilling as youwish, you are probably notworkingdiligently enough. Applying diligence to any area of our lives always bringsprofitableresults.

TheConsequencesofNotBeingDiligentOurgreatestmotivationsinlifearethedesireforgainandthefearofloss.

Solomontriestomotivateuswithboth.Ifhissevenrewardsdon’tprovidethemotivationyouneedtopursuediligence,perhapstheconsequencesofnotbeingdiligentwillspuryouon.

Youwillalwaysbeataninsurmountabledisadvantage.

Thediligent takeall the time theyneed toplanandprepare, so that theycanperformwithexcellence.Thosewhoaren’tdiligentfailtotakethetimetheyneedtoplan,prepare,orperform.Theytendto“shootfromthehip,”andtheirhasteultimatelyresultsinfailure.Solomonsays,“Theplansofthediligentleadsurely to advantage. But everyone who is hasty [comes] surely to poverty”(Proverbs21:5).

I have lostmy life savings five times, and in each instance I actedwithhaste—I was anything but diligent. The first two times, my losses came to$20,000 and $120,000, respectively. The next three times, the amounts weremuchgreater,inthemillionsofdollars.Similarly,mydaughterlosthersavingswhensheactedhastilywithoutseekingcounselfrommeorothers.Hadeitherofusactedwithdiligenceratherthaninhaste,shewouldstillhaveanicesavingsaccount,andIwouldhavemillionsofdollarsmoreinmyfinancialportfolio.

Youwillberuled.

No one likes living their life out of control. We hate being overlycontrolledbyothers.YetSolomonwarns,“Thehandofthediligentwillrule,buttheslackhandwillbeputtoforcedlabor”(Proverbs12:24).Whodecideshowyouspendyourdays?Howmuchmoneyyou’llbepaid?Whetherornotyou’llbe promoted, demoted, or even let go? Even with those who own their ownbusinesses,iftheyarenotdiligent,theyarecontrolledbytheircustomersortheircompetition.

Youwillcrave,butwillfindlittlesolace.

Whilethosewhoarediligentseetheirdeepestdesiressatisfiedandenjoyaprofoundsenseoffulfillment,thosewholackdiligencearesubjectedtoendlesscravingsthatcanneverbefulfilled.InProverbs13:4,Solomonnotonlytellsusthatthesoulofthediligentwillbemadefat,hewarns,“Thesoulofthesluggardcraves,buthegetsnothing.”Sadly,forthosewholackdiligence,theirlivesaredefinedbydesireratherthanfulfillment.

Youwilllackunderstanding.

Today,thetelevisionairwavesarefilledwithpeoplewhopromisewealthwithoutwork.Youcanbuyrealestatewithnomoneydown,makehundredsofthousandsofdollarsinstocktradingevenifyouhavenomoneyinsavings,andonandon.Solomoncautions that thosewhochaseafterquick-buckartistsandtheirget-rich-quickschemesdemonstrateonlytheirignorance.“Hethattillshisland shall be satisfiedwith bread, but he that follows vain persons is void ofunderstanding”(Proverbs28:19).

Yourwealthandsecuritywilldissipate.

Wealthgottenbyvanityshallbediminished,buthethatgathersbylaborshallincrease.

—Proverbs13:11

Solomon contrasts the two ways people gain wealth: those who gain itthrough their diligent efforts and thosewho gain itwithoutworking for it. InProverbs13:11,hewarnsthatthosewhogaintheirwealththroughvainpursuitswillseethatwealthdecreaseandultimatelydisappear.

Youreffortswillcometonothing.

Those who diligently labor work heartily, while others are constantlytalking aboutwhat theywill do someday. Talk is cheap. It requires no effort.

Diligent laborrequiresagreatdealofeffort.Butwhile thediligent isprofitingfromhislabors,thetalkerismerelywastinghis—andothers’—time.That’swhySolomontellsusinProverbs14:23that“meretalkleadsonlytopoverty.”

Howcanyoubringtruediligenceintoeveryareaofyourlife?

Solomongivesusfourstepsthatanyonecanusetomakediligenceapartofhisorherdaily life.However, there’sonegiant roadblock. It’s a roadblockthatwewillencounternearlyeveryday.I’mspeakingofourinherenttendencytotakethepathofleastresistance,ourinnatelaziness.

Fewofusviewourselvesaslazy.Butthetruthis,weallhavetheseedsoflazinesswithinournature.Andiftheyarenotdealtwith,theywillgrowintoafieldthatwillundermineoneormoreaspectsofourlives.Leftunattended,theycanchokethepotentialfromourlives.Often,weconfronttheseedsoflazinessinoneareaoflife,suchasourjoborcareer,andleavethemunattendedinotherareas,suchasourmarriagesorourrelationshipswithourchildren.Ihaveknownmen who have made great fortunes in their professional lives while theirmarriagesendindivorce.Itdoesn’thavetobethisway.Solomonshowsushowtodealwith theseseeds,wherever theylie,andreplacethemwith theseedsofdiligence.

RecognizingtheRootCausesofLazinessTherearefourrootcausesoflaziness,accordingtoSolomon:self-centeredness,conceit(arrogance),ignorance,andirresponsibility.(Heoftencombinestheselasttwointothesinglecategoryhecallsfoolishness.)Toeffectivelydealwithlaziness,wehavetodealwithitsrootcauses.

Self-Centeredness

Everyman’swayisrightinhisowneyes...

—Proverbs21:2

We naturally see things first from our own point of view. If we don’tchoosetoshiftourfocustotheinterestsandwell-beingofothers,wewillsimplyact in a manner that is most quickly gratifying to our ego and desires. Webecomeblindtotheimpactonourfuture,oruponthelivesofothers.Solomonsuggestsweaskourselveswhatcourseofactionwecouldtakethatwouldbeinthebestinterestofallwhoareaffected.

Conceit(Arrogance)

Thesluggardiswiserinhisownconceitthansevenmenthatcanrenderareason...

—Proverbs26:16

Becauseweoftenthinkwe’resmarterthanthosearoundus,weactwithoutseeking the advice or counsel of others. It’smuch easier to act first and seekadvicelater.Andsincewethinkweknowmorethanothersanyway,wesimplytake the action thatwewant to take.We simply need to accept that there areothers who are as smart and wise as we are, if not more so, and seek theircounsel beforemakingmajor decisions and acting upon them. Thosewho aretrulydiligentseekouttheadviceofseveralwisecounselorsbeforeembarkingonanyimportantcourseofaction.

IgnoranceandIrresponsibility(Foolishness)

Iwentbythefieldoftheslothful,andbythevineyardofthemanvoidofunderstanding;And,lo,itwasallgrownoverwiththorns,andnettleshadcoveredthefacethereof,andthestonewallthereofwasbrokendown.

—Proverbs24:30–31

The last cause of laziness is ignorance and irresponsibility, or whatSolomoncallsfoolishness.Oftenitresultsfromourignoranceofthelong-termconsequences of our actions. It’s easier to act out of ignorance than it is tobecome educated. To educate ourselves takes time and effort. Remainingignorant and following the path of least resistance is easy. However, theconsequences of this kind of foolishness can be devastating. Even worse isirresponsibility—knowingwhatyoushoulddo,andchoosingnottodoit.

LazinessResultsinMoreLaziness.

Thesluggardwillnotplowbyreasonofthecold;thereforeshallhebeginharvest,andhavenothing.

—Proverbs20:4

Lazinesscanspreadintootherareasofyourlife,aswell.Themoreoftenyougivein toyournatural inclinationtowardinstantgratification, thestrongerthatinclinationwillbecome,untilitbecomesahabit.

Laziness creates a painful barrier to personal achievement. In Proverbs15:19,Solomonsays,“Thewayof the slothfulman isasanhedgeof thorns.”When I was a child, my next-door neighbor’s backyard was surrounded by adeephedgewith redberriesandbig thorns.Wedreaded thoseoccasionswhenmyfriendsandIwouldaccidentallythrowabaseballorfootballintoMr.Fouts’sbackyard.One of uswould have to fight ourway through the thornbushes toretrieve the ball. And whoever did the retrieving had the bloody scratches toshowforit.IntheeyesofSolomon,lazinesscreatesthissamekindofbarriertopersonalsuccess.Fewareableorwillingtocrossover.

Solomon’sStepstoBringDiligenceintoYourLifeSohowdowebringSolomon’sconceptofdiligenceintoourlives?Beingtrulydiligenttakestimeandrequiresmakingahabitofusing

diligencedailyintheimportantareasoflife.Thegoodnewsis,youdon’thavetowaityears,months,orevendaystostartapplyingdiligencetoyourendeavors.Solomongivesusfourstepswecanusequicklytobegintobringdiligenceintoourjobs,ourcareers,ourmarriages,ourparenting,eventhespiritualarenaofourlives.

Step#1—WakeUptoReality

“Howlongwillyouliethere,”heasks.“Whenwillyougetupfromyoursleep?...povertywillcomeonyoulikeabanditandscarcitylikeanarmedman.”

—Proverbs6:9–11

Wethinkthatwehavemoretimethanwereallydotoachieveourpersonalandprofessionalgoals.Soweprocrastinatedoingwhatweknowweshoulddo.Forexample,almost80percentofAmericansarenowoverweight.Nearlyeveryoneofthemthinkstheywillstartlosingweightnextweek,nextmonth,ornextyear. They plan on eating better, exercising more, and taking better care ofthemselves.But year after year, theydon’t quite get around to it.Getting intobettershaperemainsonlyadreamforthem,becausetheyareasleeptotheirownreality. Similarly, husbands andwives andmoms and dads plan tomake theirmarriages and families better . . . later! Solomon says,WAKEUP andSTOPPROCRASTINATING!

Don’tbeasleeptotherealitiesaroundyou.Solomonasksustowakeuptotherealworld,withitsconstraints,itsdemands,anditsopportunities.Theclockis constantly ticking, andeveryday that slips away is aday that canneverberetrieved.Andeverydaythatpassesbringsusonedayclosertotheendofourlimited time on earth.Wake up and bring diligence into your life now. Youropportunitieswillbemultiplied!Takeresponsibilityforyourlife,yourattitudes,

yourvalues,andhowyouspendyourtime.

Step#2—DefineYourVisions

Solomonwrote inProverbs28:19,“Withoutavision, thepeopleperish.”Said another way, where we have no vision, we lose our direction, ourmotivation, our joy, our passion, our energy, our creativity, and ourcommitment. Fortunately, the converse of this proverb is also true.Wheneveryouintroduceatruevisionintoanyareaofyourlife,yougainnewenergy.Youwill discover direction, motivation, joy, passion, energy, creativity, andcommitment.Definingavision isanessentialcomponentofdiligence. In fact,it’simpossibletobetrulydiligentifyoudon’thaveaclearvisionofwhatyouwant to achieve.Bringingdiligence intoyour life is the singlemost importantstep you can take. InProverbs 6:6, Solomon tells thosewho lack diligence tolookcloselyattheant.Theant“hasnocommander,nooverseerorruler,yetitstoresitsprovisionsinsummerandgathersitsfoodatharvest.”Inotherwords,theantissomissionorientedthatevenwithoutsupervisionordirection,itdoesexactlywhat itneeds todo for itsbenefit and thebenefitof theentirecolony.When you gain a clear vision ofwhat youwant to do, andwhen you have adetailed plan to accomplish that vision, like Solomon’s ant, youwill take theinitiativeandgainthediligencetoaccomplishit.

Step#3—EffectivelyPartner

Plansfailforlackofcounsel,butwithmanyadviserstheysucceed.—Proverbs15:22

Inanyworthwhileendeavor,it’simpossibletobediligentwithoutseekingoutsidecounselandeffectivelypartnering.Weallknowalittle;nooneknowsalot.Mostofusaredeeplyknowledgeableinonlyafewthings,andwe’retotallyignorant and incapable inmillionsofother things.Yet truediligencedemandsexcellenceineverystepwetake.Theonlypossiblewaytoachieveexcellencein

the areas in which we lack the necessary talent or know-how is to seek outcounseland/oreffectivelypartner.WhenItalkaboutpartnering,I’mreferringtoasking the help of advisers, counselors, mentors, and anyone else who canprovide us with the knowledge and skills we need to achieve excellence infulfillingourvision.

Throughouthistory,noonehasachievedanyworthwhilegoal,significantproject,orimpossibledreamwithouteffectivelypartneringandseekingoutsidecounsel. If the most successful people in history have needed the help ofcounselorsandpartners,whywouldyouthinkthatyoucanaccomplishanythingworthwhilewithoutsuchaid?Thefactis,noneofuscan.Thetrulydiligentdonot seek counsel simply when an endeavor is in trouble; rather, they seekcounsel from the very beginning, before they begin an effort. This greatlyreduces the risk of failure and significantly increases one’s probability ofsuccess.

Step#4—PursueWisdom;BuildYourLifeUponIt

Howmuchbetteritistogetwisdomthangold!Andtogetunderstandingistobechosenabovesilver.

—Proverbs16:16

The final component critical to becoming a diligent person is to pursuewisdomandbuildyourlifeuponitsfoundation.Solomontellsustoseekwisdomasifitwereahiddentreasure.Truewisdomisrarelyfoundlyingonthegroundinplainview.Rather,it’satreasurethatmustbesearchedout,andthoseseekingitmustoftendigbeneaththesurface.Butit’snotadifficultpursuit.It’sfuntosearchforburiedtreasure,andit’swonderfullyrewardingtofindit.Asyouwillsee in the last chapter of this book, the rewards of gaining true wisdom areliterallybeyondyourimagination.

It’simpossibletobediligentinanyendeavorwithoutfirstgainingaclearand precise vision forwhat youwant to achieve. In the next chapter youwilldiscover how to develop an empowering vision for each important endeavor,project,andpriorityinyourlife.

KnowledgetoWisdom

Are you diligent in your job?Yourmarriage?Your parenting?Yourcareer?Usethischecklisttomeasureyourlevelofdiligenceinany important area of your life. This checklist will help youdetermine when and where you’re lacking in diligence. The skillsyou’regoingtolearninthenexttwochapterswillhelpyoutobringdiligencetoanyendeavoryoupursue.

DILIGENCECHECKLIST

DOYOU:

___1.Haveaclearandprecisevisionforwhatyouwanttoachieve?

___2.Creativelypersistthroughdisappointmentsandfailures?

___3.Worksmart?

___4.“Rightly”plan?

___5.“Rightly”perform?

___6.Workexpeditiously(withtargetdates)?

___7.Workefficiently?

___8.Workeffectively(achievingeffectiveresults)?

___9.Producearesultthatreflectsaqualityoutcome?

___10.Attaintrueexcellence?

CHAPTER3

TheActivityThatCreatesExtraordinarySuccess

Wherethereisnovision,thepeopleperish.

—PROVERBS29:18

I was recently given a tour of one of the Navy’s frontline nuclear aircraftcarriers,theUSSJohnC.Stennis.ThemomentIsteppedonboard,Iwasamazedby its massive size. It’s longer than three football fields, weighs nearly 200millionpounds,andisafloatingcity,hometomorethan5,000personnel.Itispoweredbytwonuclearreactorsthatpropelitthroughthewateratmorethan30knots. But the one fact that impressedmemostwas how long the ship couldremain at seawithout any refuelingwhatsoever. Conventional aircraft carrierscarried thousandsof tonsof fuelandneededregular refueling.TheStennis,ontheotherhand,needstorefuelonlyonceevery26years!Inmymind,themostamazingpropertyofanuclearreactoristhatyouputjustalittlefuelinandyougetanincredibleamountofpowerout.

Solomonoffersusourownpersonalpowersourcetodriveustoourmostdistantandevenimpossibledreams,apowersourcethatcantransformalittlebitoffuelintoatremendousamountofpower.Itrequirestherightkindoffuel,butourfocus in thischapter is thepowersource itself. Itcanradicallychangeanyareaofyour life,andbegin thatchangeassoonasyoubegin touse it. It issopowerfulthat:

It enabled a first-grade dropout to receive more patents than anyone inhistory,includingthoseforrecordingsound,movies,generatingelectricity,and,ofcourse,theelectriclightbulb.

It tookawomanwholostherhearingandsightafterhersecondbirthdayandtransformedherfromabitter,hatefulchildintooneofthemostinspirationalwritersandspeakersofthetwentiethcentury.

It empowered a fifty-two-year-old salesman of milk-shake machines toquit his job and create the most successful restaurant franchise system in theworld.

Itenabledtwocollegedropoutstoturnahole-in-the-wallstart-upsoftwarecompanyintooneofthemosthighlyvaluedcompaniesintheworld.

It literally turnedabookkeepermaking tencentsanhour into the richestandmostpowerfulmanintheworld.

I could fill this chapter and dozens more with stories of people whoachieved their impossible dreams because of this power identified by KingSolomon. That’s how potent it is when it’s applied to any important area ofone’s life. But this power source not only generates momentum, it providesdirectionaswell.Whatis it?Solomon’spowersourceisvision,andhisfuel ishope. But don’t be deceived by their simplicity. You’ll discover that theircombinedpowerislikethepowerproducedbysplittinganatom.

TheIncrediblePowerofVisionandHope

Solomon’s concept of vision and hope is radically different from ourcontemporary concepts of these words. We hear the word “vision,” and wepicturesomethingabstractsuchasamysticalexperienceoradream.Weheartheword “hope,” andwe instantly think of awish or a desire.Our contemporaryconceptsofthesetwowordsfallwoefullyshortofSolomon’sconcepts.

Visionisnotsomethingabstractorintangible,norishopeamerewishordesire. To Solomon, vision and hope are both tangible and precise.UnderstandingwhatSolomonmeantwhenheusedthesetwowordsiscriticalto

achievinganythingextraordinarywithyourlife.

Formostpeople,theword“vision”haslittlemorerelevancetotheirdailylife than amodern-art painting has to choosing the highways theywill followwhengoingonavacation.BySolomon’sdefinition,mostpeopleeitherhavenovision at all for what they want in life, or the vision they have is vague andabstract (tobemoresuccessful,wealthier,etc.).ToSolomon,avisionwasnotabstract at all. For him, gaining a true visionwasmore like using a highwayatlas.Itmeanshavingaperfectlyclearpictureofanultimatedestination,andadetailedroadmaptogetthere.

Inmy failed jobs after college, I never had a clear andprecise visionofwhatIwantedtoachieve.It’snotsurprisingthattheylastedlessthanayearorproducedonlyminimalincome.Ontheotherhand,inmytenthjob,Ihadaveryclearvisionformyfirstproject.Icreatedadetailedroadmapofmygoals,andoutlinedthestepsandtasksthatIneededtocompletetoachievethosegoalsandfulfill that vision. The result?Within sixmonths of starting the job, our salesskyrocketed from a thousand dollars a week tomore than amillion dollars aweek.

Butmylifeisn’ttheonlyexampleofalifethatwasradicallychangedbygainingaclearandprecisevision.ThomasEdisonwasafirst-gradedropout.Hismother home-schooled him.Among other things, she taught him theBook ofProverbs.Fromhisyouth,heknewtheimportanceofgainingaclearvisionforwhatever hewanted to accomplish and a detailed plan for accomplishing thatvision.Heused this“VisionMappingProcess” inpursuingevery inventionhetried to create. This process was such a tremendous source of creativity,persistence, and power that it enabled him to become the most prolific andsuccessfulinnovatorinhistory.

GainingaclearandprecisevisionwaswhatcatapultedJohnD.Rockefellerfrom a tencents-an-hour bookkeeper to the richest man in the world. It

transformed Helen Keller from a bitter young girl into one of the mostinspirational speakers andwriters of all time. It became the driving force thatempowered Ray Kroc to look at a single tiny restaurant in San Bernardino,California, and transform it into the 25,000-franchise restaurant system oftoday’sMcDonald’s.That is thepowerofhavingaprecisevision.Throughouttheirlives,eachofthesepeopletalkedaboutgainingaclearvisionofwhattheywantedtoachievebeforetheybeganthepursuitoftheirachievements.

AVISIONisaprecise,clearlydefinedgoalwithadetailedplanandtimetableforachievingthatgoal.

AMatterofLifeandDeath

Howimportantisitthatyouhavesuchwell-defined“visions”inyourpersonalandprofessional life?Solomonclaims that it’sso important thatwithout itourinnermostbeingwillbegin towasteaway.The joyof livingbecomesreplacedwith the mere act of surviving, or “just getting by.” You go from joy, tosubsistence,todepression,andultimatelytodespair.Thisisnotthekindoflifeanyone should aspire to. We all want a life filled with happiness andextraordinary fulfillment, athomeandatwork.But, asSolomonsays, “Wherethereisnovision,thepeopleperish.”

ThisProverbapplies toeachareaofour life.Peopleoftenbegina joborcareer with a general idea or vision of what they hope to achieve.Wheneversomeonetellsmehowunhappytheyareatworkorintheirmarriage,allIhavetodo is ask them to tellmewhat theirvision is for their jobormarriage, andtheir root problem is instantly exposed. Inevitably, they have no vision. Thegoodnewsisthatgainingaclearandprecisevisioncanbringrenewedlifetoourdreamsandinnermostbeing.

TheDifferenceaVisionMakes

In 1879, a café-saloon owner inDayton,Ohio, named JamesRitty received apatent on a mechanical cash register that he designed to keep his employeesfromstealingmoneyoutof the till.Rittycreatedacompanytohold thepatentandsellhiscashregisterstoothermerchants.Unfortunately,hewasabletosellonly a few hundred units.When anothermerchant inDayton, John Patterson,offeredhim$6,500forhiscompanyanditspatentedinvention,hewashappytosell.RittyandtheentirebusinesscommunityofDaytonthoughtPattersonwasasucker who had fallen off the turnip truck. They couldn’t imagine paying somuchmoneyforaninventionthathadsoldsolittleinthefiveyearsithadbeenonthemarket.ButJohnPattersonhadsomethingthatJamesRittyandtheotherbusinessmen in Dayton didn’t have: a vision. Before Patterson died, he soldmore than22millioncash registers,andhiscompanybecameoneof themostinfluential sales andmarketing companies of all time.Henamedhis companyNationalCashRegister (NCR).According to one author, by 1984, one out ofeverysixCEOshadreceivedtheirinitialtrainingfromNCR,includingThomasWatson,thefounderofIBM.

HowCanYOUGainaVisionforYourTopPriorities?

Whatdoyouwanttoachieveinyourcareerorbusiness?Inyourshort-termandlong-termfinances? Inyour relationshipswithyour spouseorchildren? Ifyouhaven’twrittendownyourdreamsineachoftheseareas,Icanpromiseyouthatthere’s almost no chance you’ll ever achieve them. Earlier in this chapter, ImentionedtheVisionMappingProcess.Inthe“KnowledgetoWisdom”sectionof thischapter, Iwillexplainand illustrate it inmoredetail.Using thissimpleprocess,youwillbeabletogainaclearandprecisevisionforallofyourmostimportantdreams.You’llhaveawaytoconverteachvisionintoasetofspecificgoals,steps,andtasks.Theresultwillbeaclearlydefinedvisionwithadetailedroadmapandschedulethatyoucanfollowtoachievethatvision.

As exciting as the Vision Mapping Process is, the real fulfillment that

results from the Vision Mapping Process begins as you complete the taskstoward achieving your vision. Doing so will create an unexpected source ofdirection and the initial power to get “un-stuck,” aswell as help you gain themomentum you need to complete your journey. The power to achieve yourdreamsissuppliedbySolomon’sfuel—hope.ButSolomon’sdefinitionofhopeis quite different fromhowwenormally thinkof it. In thenext chapter,we’lluncover the truemeaningof hope anddiscover how to ignite this high-octanefuelandharnessitspower.

TheVisionMappingProcesswillnotonlyworkforyou; itwillworkforthosearoundyouaswell:youremployees,yourspouse,andyourchildren.Asyou help them define their dreams and achieve their goals, their level offulfillmentandmotivationwillskyrocket.

WhenCarol,myoldestdaughter,waseleven,MichaelLandonaskedherwhat she was going to be when she grew up. “The first woman on thePhiladelphiaPhilliesbaseball team,” she replied.Mike laughedandgavemeanudge.ItoldCaroltotellhimhowshewasgoingtodothat.“Daddysayswhenwehaveadream,weneedtoconvert it intospecificgoals.Somygoalsaretobecomethebestfielderandhitteronmysoftballteam.Hesaysyouthenhavetoconvertyourgoalsintosteps;somystepsaretopracticefieldingeachdayandhittingonceaweek.Hesaysthatwethenhavetoconvertourstepsintotasks;soDadhastocomehomeeverynightbysixtoplaycatchwithmeandtakemetothebattingcageonSaturdays.”AlthoughCarolneverdid join thePhillies,herimprovementwas so significant that her coach askedherwhat shewasdoing.Whenshetoldhim,hetoldtheothergirlsontheteam,andtheybegandoingthesame.Theresult?Theirteamwentfrombeingtheworstteamintheleague(alllosses)intheirfirstseasontowinningtheleaguechampionshipwithall“wins”the next season. Same girls, same coach. That’s the power of the VisionMappingProcess...evenwitheleven-year-olds.

KnowledgetoWisdom

USINGTHEVISIONMAPPINGPROCESSTOESTABLISHAROADMAPTOACHIEVEYOURDREAMS

TheVisionMappingProcessisagoal-achievingprocessthatwillradically increase your productivity and raise the level of yourachievement in any endeavor, project, or area of life towhich it isapplied.First,ithelpsyoutocreateaclearandspecificvision,alongwith a detailed road map to effectively and quickly achieve thatvision.Itinfuseslifeintoanyareainwhichitisapplied.

TherearefivestepsintheVisionMappingProcess.Asyouturnto thesesteps,you’llneed tohavea loose-leafnotebookandpenathand.Or you can get a “VisionMapping Journal” atmyWeb site(www.stevenkscott.com), with all of the necessary tabbed sectionsand preprinted forms needed to VisionMap your dreams in everyimportantareaofyourlife.

Withyourjournalinhand,writedownalistoftheareasofyourlife inwhichyouwould like to see significant improvement. Somepeoplewill list only a couple of areas (such as “personal life” and“career”). Others will have more. There is no magic number. Forexample, my areas are: my marriage, my children, my health, mybusiness,andextracurricularprojects.Onceyou’vedeterminedyourmost important areas, write them down. Next, make a list of yourmost important dreams, desires, or projects for those areas in yourlife. Next, prioritize each list, starting with your most importantdream. Once you’ve done this, you’re ready to begin the VisionMappingProcess.

1.Startingwithyourmostimportantdreaminanygivenarea,writea

clear andprecisedescriptionof that dream.Thisdescription shouldbe at least a sentence or two, but no more than a single page. Ifpossible,trytodraworfindapicturethatprovidesyouwithanimageorsymbolofwhatfulfillingthisdreammightlooklike.

2.Createa“GoalsPage”forthatspecificdream.Todothis,statethedream at the top of the page. Then make a list of the specific,intermediate “goals” that need to be achieved to fulfill that dream.Thisstepconvertsyourdreamsintospecificgoals.

3.Createapageforeachgoalandlabelthosepages“GoalstoSteps.”Oneachpage,listtheintermediategoalyouwanttoachieve,thenlistthestepsthatneedtobetakentoachievethatgoal.

4.Next,takeanycomplexstepinyourlistofstepsthatrequiresthecompletion of more than one task, and create a “Steps to Tasks”page. List the specific tasks that need to be completed to take thatstep.

5.Thefinalstepinthisprocessistoassigncompletiondatestoeachtaskandstep.Onceyou’vedone that,youare ready tobegin.Nowyou can work on achieving each goal one task or step at a time.Completeeachstep,onebyone,untilyouhaveachievedyourdream.

This process will likely reveal tasks or steps that you cannotcompleteonyourown,duetolackofknow-howorlimitedresources.Don’tpanic.Asyou’llseeinChapter6,partneringisthesinglemostpowerfulstrategythatyouwillemployinthepursuitofyourdreams,andyoucanbecomeanexpertatit!

DOIREALLYHAVETOWRITEALLOFTHISOUT?

That’sthefirstquestioneveryoneaskswhenIsharethisprocesswith an audience. The answer is yes. Remember that you want tocreate a clear and precise vision for each of your dreams, and adetailed roadmapand timetable for achieving thosedreams.That’swhat this process will give you. If it looks like an overwhelmingproject, it’s not. One to five minutes a day is all it takes for thewritingpartofthisprocess.Youdon’tdoeverythingatonce.There’sno deadline on completing your Vision Mapping. It’s a lifetimeproject.Youcouldliterallyapplythisprocesstoonedreamaweek,amonth,orayear.This singleprocesswill enableyou toexperienceall of the power of Solomon’s strategy for gaining a vision andconvertingthatvisionintoreality.Doingsowillgiveyouthepowertoachievethosedreams.

CHAPTER4

Solomon’sPowerSecretforTurningDreamsintoReality

Hopedeferredmakestheheartsick:butdesirefulfilledisatreeoflife.

—PROVERBS13:12

Mankind’sPerpetualFuel

For more than a hundred years, engineers and scientists have dreamed of aperpetual source of energy, one that would generate more power than itconsumes. Imagine a power source that would drive your car without everneeding to be replenished. The truth is, a perpetual source of energy wouldviolatetheknownlawsofphysics.Butthereisasourceofperpetualmentalandemotionalfuelavailabletoustoachieveourdreams.Itiscalled“hope.”

Todayweusuallyuse it asa synonymforawish.Yet toSolomon,hopewasfarmore tangibleandpowerful.Hisconceptofhopecanbedefinedas“awell-foundedandconfidentbeliefthataspecificvision(goal,desire,orpromise)willbeachievedorfulfilledwithinaspecifiedamountoftime.”

HOPEisawell-foundedandconfidentbeliefthataspecificvision(goal, desire, or promise) will be achieved or fulfilled within aspecifiedamountoftime.

Thinkaboutit.Howcanyouhavea“well-founded,confidentbeliefthataspecific vision will be achieved” if you don’t have a specific vision? If yourvisionsordesiresaregeneralorvagueinsteadofwell-defined,youcannotgain

orsustainanygenuinehopeofachievingthem.ThisiswhytheVisionMappingProcess is so important. It becomes thebasisor foundation forgainingwhat Icall true hope.Knowingwhere youwant to go, and having a precisemap onhandtogetthere,fuelsyoureffortsinachievingyourvision.

Asyoucompleteeachsteptowardachievingagoal,morehopeisproducedtohelpyouachievethenextstep.Inotherwords,truehopebecomesthefuelthatkeepsyoumovingtowardtheultimatefulfillmentofavision.Andeachstepyoucompletedrivesyouevenmorepowerfullyandquicklytowardtheachievementofyourvision.Inasense,hopeismankind’sonlyperpetualfuel.Hopeproducesprogress towardagivengoal,andyourprogressproducesevenmorehopeandgreatermomentum.

TheVisionMappingProcesshelpstogiveusthatinitialhope,becausebyusingit,wecanseeourdestinationclearlyandrealizehowtogetthere.

ProcrastinationCanBeToxic

Ontheotherhand,ifwefailtotakethosestepsandcompletethosetaskstowardour goal, hope can be put off or, as Solomon said, “deferred.”When hope isdeferred,itbeginstoslipaway.Andguesswhathappens?AsSolomonwroteinProverbs13:12,“Hopedeferredmakestheheartsick:butdesirefulfilledisatreeof life.” When hope is put off, you lose your emotional energy and yourmotivation.Yourcreativityandproductivitybegin toplummet.Youwithdraw.Soonerorlater,yougiveuponthevisionordreamaltogether.Giveuptoomanydreams,andlivingbecomeslittlemorethanjustgettingby.

Wecreatetheseedsofhopeinothersbystatingorimplyingcommitments.Thesecommitmentscreateavision.Ifwefailtofulfillthosecommitmentsinatimely manner, we then defer others’ hope. They lose their energy andmotivation.Moreover,theylosetheirtrustinus.Theconsequencesofdeferringhopeinotherscanevenleadtothedeathofarelationship.

DeferringHopeontheJob

Whenmanagersdeferthehopeoftheiremployees,theircreativity,productivity,motivation, and commitment gradually decline, and ultimately begin toplummet.HenryFordhadavisionformakingautomobilesthatanyfamilycouldafford.Whenhewasrecruited tobe thechiefengineerof thefledglingDetroitAutomobileCompany,hewastoldbytheboardtoputhisvisiononhold.Theywantedtodesignandmanufacturecarsfortheonlyknownbuyersoftheday,thewealthy.Ford’struehopesweredeferred,andintwoyearsheandhiscompanyfailed toputa singlecar into themarketplace.Hewas fired.ThenextyearhefoundedFord,andinsteadofdeferringhishopes,theboardsupportedhisvisionandallowedhimtofulfillhisdesire.His“fulfilleddesire”trulybecamea“treeoflife”—tohim,hiscompany,hisemployees,hiscustomers,ournation,andtheworld.By1928,oneoutofeverytwocarsintheworldwasaFord.

Onmyfirstjob,mybosstoldmethatifImadelotsofsalescallsandusedthesalestechniqueshehadtaughtme,Iwouldmakelotsofsales.Hetoldmemycommissioncheckswouldsoonbemuchgreaterthanmysmallsalary.Iworkedvery hard tomaster the sales techniques he taught. Imade lots of sales calls.Unfortunately,Ididnotmakelotsofsales.Mysalarywas$500amonth;aftersix months of selling, my commissions were less than $40 a month. Myexpectationshadbeen raised toohigh,myhopes shattered. I left that jobafteronlysevenmonths.

Onmythirdjob,mybosstoldmethatifIperformedtheroutineanalyticalpartofmyjobwell,hewouldstarttoinvolvemeinthecreativeandadvertisingsideofourdepartment.I’vealwaysbecomequicklyboredwithanythingroutineandhavealways lovedcreativework.By theendofmyfirstmonth, Ihadmyanalytical responsibilities mastered and running smoothly. When I asked myboss if I could start working with the creative people, he gave me acondescending look and turned me down. The hope he had initially instilled

withinmehadbeenquicklydeferred.Myheartgrewsick.Ishowedupforworkeverydayandgavehimexactlywhathewanted—routineanalysis. Igavehimnomore . . . andno less. Insteadofbringingmycreativity to the job, Ibegansearchingforothercreativeoutlets,moonlightingforothercorporateexecutivesin different subsidiaries of our company. Without my boss’s knowledge, Iappliedforajobwithoneofthecompany’sothersubsidiariesandwasgrantedatransfer.

Uponhearingofmyimpendingtransfer,mybossfiredmeandhumiliatedme in frontofourentiredepartment.As farashewasconcerned,mycreativetalents were worthless. Three years after leaving his company, I produced atelevisionmarketingcampaignforhiscompanyasanoutsidevendor.Itbecamethe single most profitable marketing campaign in his company’s history. Butinsteadofpayingmethe$12,000annualsalaryhepaidwhenIworkedforhim,hiscompanypaidmypartnersandmemillionsofdollars.Hadhenot“deferredmyhope,”hecouldhavehadthesamecreativeideasfrommeforatinyfractionofthecost.Worse,hereceivedalmostnocreditforthiscampaignfromtheboardofdirectorsofhiscompany.Instead,thecreditwenttothe“outsidevendor”(ourcompany). The lesson? If you want loyalty, creativity, and productivity fromthosewhoworkwithyou,don’tdeferthehopesanddreamsyouareresponsibleforcreating.YoumustlearnhowtoincorporatethisProverbintoyourjob.

DeferringHopeinMarriage

Menoften defer the hopes of theirwives in several critical areas, andwomenoftenunconsciouslyreturnthefavor.AccordingtorelationshipexpertDr.GarySmalley, the four greatest needs of a woman are: (1) emotional and physicalsecurity, (2) the need for regular meaningful communication, (3) nonsexualtouch, and (4) romance. Each night when a husband comes home, his wife(sometimeswithoutevenknowing it)hopes that theseneedswillbeaddressedand fulfilled. Theywant to feel the security of his love and commitment; the

safety of being able to express their feelings and opinions without beinginterrupted or criticized. They want to be held and caressed without it beinglinkedto thehusband’sneedforsex.Theywant tobe listenedtoandhavethechance to talkabout theirday.Theywant tobeable to talkabout theirhopes,desires,anddreams.Theywanttohearabouttheirhusband’sday.Theywanttofeel connected.And, theywant to be romanced. Theywant to feel valued forwhotheyare,notjustwhattheydo.

And how do husbands defer their hopes? Too often, the last thingmostmenwantwhentheycomehomeistoengagein“meaningfulconversation.”Sothey put it off, deferring that hope. They tend to defer their wives’ hopes ofromanceuntilValentine’sDayoruntiltheywantsomething.What’ssotragicisthatmendon’tjustdefertheirhopesonceinawhile,butregularly.Inadditiontodeferringtheirwives’hopesintheareasoftheirgreatestneeds,mendefertheirhopesinlesserareas.Everywomanwantsherhusband’shelparoundthehouse.Shewantshim tohelpwith thekids.Here again,manymendefer their hopesmoreoftenthantheyfulfillthem.

HowWomenCanReturntheFavor

Butmenoftenhavetheirhopesdeferredaswell.AccordingtoDr.Smalley,thegreatestneedsofamanare(1)tofeelrespectedandadmired,(2)tobelovedanddesired,and(3)toenjoysexualintimacyregularlyandconsistently.Hishopeisthathis intimateencounterswithhiswifewillreflectherdesirerather thanherobligation.Unfortunately, thishope isoftendeferredunlesshe first fulfillshiswife’shopesandneeds.

Thisdifferenceinexpectationcancreateallsortsof“deferredhopes”inamarriage,makinghappinessandfulfillmentbetweenamanandawomanmoredifficult . . .unlesseachonebeginstomaketheother’shopesandneedsa toppriority,takingtheinitiativetofulfilltheirhopesratherthandeferringthem.

Solomon’sSolution

Whiledeferringhopemakestheheartsick,there’sGREATnewsinthesecondhalfofthissameProverb.Itreads“butdesirefulfilled,isatreeoflife.”

WhenIwasrecruitedformytenthjob,Iwouldhavebeenhappytoworkfor thesalaryIwasgiven.Butmybosswaswiser thanthat. Inaddition tomysalary,hegavemeapercentageofournewcompany.Incontrasttomypreviousninejobs,thiswasthefirstwhereIhadbeengivena“pieceoftheaction.”Theresult?Prior tomyarrival,hiscompanywasearningabout$100,000ayear inprofitsongrosssalesoflessthanamilliondollarsperyear.ThefirstmarketingcampaignIcreated(threemonthsafterIwashired)generatedanadditional$20millioninsalesand$3millioninearnings.

Hefollowedthesamepatternwithourotherkeyemployees,makingthempartners in the business. Together,we’ve generated billions in sales and $150million in earnings.My boss and his children becamemultimillionaires. Thiswouldneverhavehappenedhadhenotofferedusownership.Byfulfilling“myunspokendesires,”heplanteda treeof life thatcreated tremendousbenefit forallofus.

Wecanbringawholenewsourceofenergyintoourwork,ourmarriages,andourliveswhenwestopdeferringhopesandbegintofocusonhelpingothersfulfill their genuine needs and dreams and desires.Doing sowill bring a newlevel of joy and fulfillment into their lives. Itwill increase theirmorale, theircommitment,andtheirtrust.Andtheircreativityandproductivitywillexplode.

FanningtheFlamesofHope

Ifyourhearthasbeenmadesickbydeferredhope,youmustdoallyoucantorestoreitshealthassoonaspossible.Remember,hopeisdeferredintwoways.First,itisdeferredwhenothersdonotfulfilltheirpromisesorcommitmentsto

youwithinthetimeframethatyouthoughttheywould.Second,itisdeferredbyyourownlackofclearandprecisevisionsforyourimportantdreams.

Gainingaclearandprecisevisionofyourdreamswillbringawholenewleveloffulfillmenttoyourlife.ApplytheVisionMappingProcesstothepursuitofyourdreams.You’llfindthatyouwillbegintoachieveeachdreaminatimelymanner.Andwitheachdesire,dream,orgoalthatisaccomplished,yourleveloffulfillmentwillskyrocket.YouwillexperiencefirsthandSolomon’spromiseinProverbs13:19:“Desireaccomplishedissweettothesoul...”

KnowledgetoWisdom

1.Makealistofsomeofyourgreatesthopesthathavebeendeferredasaresultoftheactionsofothers.

2.Listanyhopesthathavenotbeenrealizedduetoyourownlackofaclearandprecisevision.

3.Listsomeofthehopesofothersthatyouhavedeferred.(Askyourspouse, your children, or those you work with. They’ll be glad tohelpyou.)

4.List thehopes thatyouwould like topursuebycreatingavisionmap.

5.Askyourspousewhathisorhergreatesthopesare.Offertohelpcreateavisionmaptopursuethosehopes.

6.Ask your childrenwhat their important hopes are.Help them tocreateavisionmaptopursuethosehopes.

CHAPTER5

TheKeyThatOpensAnyDoor

Theheartofthewiseteacheshismouth,andaddspersuasivenesstohislips.

—PROVERBS16:23

Lastyear,mywife,Shannon,boughtanewcarthathadmanyfeatureswehadneverseenbefore.Oneinparticularhasturnedouttobequiteconvenient.It’sanelectronickeythatdoesn’tneedtobeinsertedintothedoortounlockit,norintotheignitiontostartthecar.Itdoesn’tevenneedtoleaveherpurse.Asshewalksuptothedoor,thedoorautomaticallyunlocksitself.Whenshesitsdowninthecar,shestilldoesn’ttakethekeyoutofherpurse.Shesimplyputsherfootonthe car’s brake pedal and pushes a button on the gearshift knob, and the carimmediately starts. It does that because the key has a built-in receiver andtransmitter.Whenherhand touches thedoorhandle,or she sits in thedriver’sseat,thecarsendsoutasignalthatthekeyreceives.Thekeythentransmitsanencoded signal back to the door lock or to the starter, depending on whethershe’soutsideorintheseat.Isthatacoolkey,orwhat?

Well, as cool as Shannon’s key is, it can’t even begin to compare toSolomon’skey.Solomon’skeycanopenanydoorandactivateany ignition intheworld.Itcanopenthedoortothemindsofyouremployeroryourpotentialcustomers; itcanopenyourbanker’svaultandthewalletsofyourinvestors.Itcanopen thehearts andmindsof your spouse and children. I’m talking aboutSolomon’skeyofeffectivecommunication.

IneffectiveCommunication—TheNumber-OneProbleminBusinessandLife

Whether at work or at home, most ideas are ignored or rejected not becausethey’re bad ideas but because they’re ineffectively or unpersuasivelycommunicated.AccordingtoasurveyofbusinessownersandcorporateCEOs,ineffectivecommunicationisthenumber-oneprobleminbusiness;accordingtoDr.Gary Smalley, it is also the number-one problem in relationships.As youmasterthecommunicationskillsthatSolomonoffers,youwillbeabletoachievelevels of success on your job that far exceed the potential of those who lacktheseskills.

At home, the impact of becoming an effective communicator is evengreater. In most families, communication can be destructive as often as it isbeneficial.Menandwomenareguiltyofsayingthewrongthingsat thewrongtime—or,equallybad,notsayinganythingatall.Thefactthatmostwomenareright-braindominant(thefeelingsideofthebrain)andmostmenareleft-braindominant (the factual, analytical side of the brain) in itself creates acommunicationbarrierthatcanbechallenging.

Accordingtocommunicationexperts,whilemostwomenspeakanaverageof25,000to50,000wordsaday,mostmenspeakonly12,000to25,000wordsaday.Thisdynamiccreatesmore“mis-connections.”Oneofthegreatestneedsofawoman, according toDr. Smalley, is the need to “feel connected.”Withouteffective two-way communication, the connection a couple felt earlier in theirrelationshipbeginstodissipate.Beforelong,theydon’tfeelconnectedatall.

Whatwesay,andhowwesayit,canhavealife-changingimpactonothers.

Iwrotemy firstdirect-response televisioncommercial in1976.Adirect-response television commercial is one that sells a product directly to theconsumer. It does this by providing a toll-free telephone number, address, orWeb address that enables the consumer to place an order for the productimmediatelyfollowingthecommercial,withouthavingtopurchasethatproduct

from a retail store. Selling a product through this means is not as easy as itsounds.Youonlyhave60to120secondstograbtheviewer’sattention,createcuriosity about the product, demonstrate the product, differentiate the productfrom any other product on themarket, overcome the viewer’s skepticism andexcuses for not buying the product, motivate them to immediately place anorder,andenablethemtomemorizethephonenumberorwriteitdown.Fewerthanoneoutofevery100direct-responsecommercialssucceed.Yet,inthefirsttenyearsofourbusiness,ofthecommercialsIwrote,oursuccessratewasover70 percent. They generated more than 25 million phone calls to order ourcompany’s goods and services. That demonstrates the incredible power ofeffectiveandpersuasivecommunication.

Asimpressiveasthismightbe,itcan’tevenbegintocomparetothepowerthatSolomontalksaboutincommunicatingwithothers.ForSolomonistalkingabout every aspect of our communication: our words, our tone of voice, ourgestures and facial expressions, our spirit, our timing, and all the nonverbalcommunicationcuesthatframeourcomments.

Yourcommunicationcanextinguishangerorescalateit.

Asoftanswerturnsawaywrathbutgrievouswordsstirupanger.

—Proverbs15:1

Whenever we are angry, or we encounter someone who is, we have achoicetomake:Dowewanttoturnuptheheatandhelpfuelthefire,ordowewanttoturndowntheheatandextinguishtheflames?Ournaturalinclinationisalwaystofollowthepathofleastresistance.IfIamtheangryperson,mynaturalinclinationis to letmyangerspinoutofcontrol. Ifsomeoneelse isangry,ournatural inclination is to return like for like. If they’re using cutting remarks,we’ll attempt to cut themdown. If they raise their voice or yell,we raise ourvoice louder. Unfortunately, according to Solomon, responding to anger with

angeronlyintensifiesandescalatesthedamage.Butwedon’thavetofollowournaturalinclinations.Wecanthrowcoldwateronouranger,oranyoneelse’s,bysimplyinjectingkindwords,asofttoneofvoice,andgentlenessinourtoneandapproach.

MywifeandchildrenwouldtellyouthatIcanlosemytemperaseasilyasthenextperson.However,assoonasIrealizewhat’shappening,IbegintohearSolomon’s Proverb echoing inmy ear: “A soft answer turns awaywrath, butgrievouswordsstirupanger.”Ithenhavetomakeachoice:DoIcontinuetouseharshwordsandescalatetheanger,ordoIchoosecalmingwords,asofttoneofvoice, andmore gentle gestures?Nearly every time I have turned to softness,angerhasbeendispelled.WhenI’mtheonewhoisangry,I’malmostinstantlycalmed.Whensomeoneelseisangryatme,itmaytakeaminuteorsoofsucheffort tocalm themdown,but rarelymore than that.Awhileback,oneofmypartners became angry with me during a conference call. Rather than yellingbackathim,Isimplyloweredmyvoiceandforcedmyselftocalmlyandquietlyanswer his argument. He instantly lowered his volume, changed his tone ofvoice,andlistenedtomeratherthanattackme.

With four children at home, a day rarely passes without at least oneargument. I never cease tobe amazedathowquickly theycalmdownwhen Ispeaksoftly.Often,there’saninstantde-escalation.Whenyoufirstbeginusingthis tactic, don’t be discouraged if your calming reply doesn’t elicit animmediateresult.Sometimesapersonmaybesoenragedthatyoumayneedtorespondgentlytothemforseveralminutesbeforetheybegintocalmdown.

A word of caution: If you have done something that the other personconsidersextremelyoffensive,theymayseeyourinitialeffortstospeakinsofterlanguage and a softer tone of voice as a form of condescension, or denial ofresponsibility. This is where your choice of words must show that youunderstandthedegreeofyouroffenseanddemonstrateasinceredesiretomake

thingsright.

Yourcommunicationcanwoundothersorhealthem.

Thereis[he]thatspeakethlikethepiercingsofasword:butthetongueofthewiseishealth.

—Proverbs12:18

NearlyeveryparentIknowdesirestobuildtheself-esteemandemotionalhealth of their children. And yet I have seen countless parents throw verbaldaggers at their children. Sometimes the cuts are inflicted subtly, by tone ofvoiceandimplication;atothertimes,theyarehurledwithrealforce.Regardless,suchwounds,although“onlywords,”canscaryourchildforlife.Parentsoftenthink their kids areunaffectedbyharshwords, or that “children are resilient.”Sometimes parents excuse their own harshwords by claiming theywere “justtellingthetruth,”andifthetruthhurts,sobeit!Aswe’llseealittlelater,thereare a thousand wrong ways to criticize and, according to Solomon, only onerightway.Thewrongwaysinflictdeepwounds;therightwayusuallyleavesnowoundatall.

During a recent PBS television appearance, I asked the audience, “Howmanyofyoucanrememberaspecificcriticismyoureceivedfromyourparentswhenyouwereachildthatdeeplyhurtyou?”Nearlyeveryhandintheaudienceshotup.Evenelderlyaudiencememberscouldrecallcriticismsfromtheiryouth,sixtyorseventyyearsbefore.That’showpowerfulhurtfulwordscanbe.Theirimprintonone’smindmayneverbeerased.

Solomonsaysthatawisemanorwomanwillusecommunicationtobringhealingandhealthtoothers.InProverbs16:24,hewrites,“Pleasantwordsareasanhoneycomb,sweettothesoul,andhealthtothebones.”Earlier,inProverbs12:25,hesays,“Heavinessintheheartofmanmakesitstoop:butagoodword

makes it glad.” Words of praise, appreciation, encouragement, andunderstandingcanpenetrateone’smindandhealone’sverysoul.

Ifyou’reskepticalabouttheimpactencouragingwordscanhaveonone’sphysical health, USA Today reported that two medical studies showed thatdepression and stress increase inflammation in the circulatory system, amajorriskfactorinheartdiseaseandheartattacks.Oneofthesestudiessuggestedthereverse:Thestrongeraperson’srelationshipsare,andthehappiertheyare, thelower their levels of inflammation.Remember thatSolomon said that pleasantwordsare“healthtothebones.”Bonemarrow,ofcourse,isthesourceofourredblood cells and much of our immune system. Without the advantage ofmicrobiologyorclinicalstudies,Solomonwasrightontarget.

Yourcommunicationcaninfuselifeintoaperson’sspirit.

Awholesometongueisatreeoflife.

—Proverbs15:4

The Hebrew word for wholesome literally translates to “healing” or“curative.”Inotherwords,Solomonissayingthatahealingtongueisa“treeoflife.” I love this expression, because trees, of course, are not only alive, theyprovidelifetoothers.Theirleavesprovideuswithoxygentobreathe,theirfruitprovides uswith food to eat, and their roots provide stability to our soil. Thesameistrueofapersonwhocommunicateswithhealingwords.Hisencouragingcommunicationimprovesnotonlyhislifebutthelivesofthosearoundhim.

Theopposite,however, isalsotrue.Communicationthatis“perverse,”inSolomon’s words, can fracture one’s spirit. Theword he uses—“perversenessthereinisabreachofspirit”—literallymeansdistortionorviciousness.Whenwecommunicate inaway that isdishonestorverballyvicious,we run the riskofbreakingaperson’sspirit.Whenaperson’sspiritisbrokenbyanother,notonly

doestherelationshipsuffer,butthepersoncanbeemotionallyscarredforever.

Manyyearsago,aclosefriendofminedivorcedherhusband,apparentlyafteryearsofphysical andverbal abuse.Whatparticularly struckmewas thatshe claimed the verbal abusewasmuchmore painful than the physical abuse.Yearsafterherdivorce,shetoldme,“Thephysicalbruisesandcutshealedinamatterofdays,buttheemotionalpainandscarsarewithmeeventoday.”

Throughoutour lives,weare facedwithopportunities tocommunicate inways that either foster healing andhealthor inflict pain.Mostpeoplehavenoideajusthowmuchpowerresidesinwhattheysayandhowtheysayit.Chooseyourwords,andhowyouframethem,wisely.

Yourcommunicationcansavealifeortakealife.

Deathandlifeareinthepowerofthetongue:andtheythatloveitshalleatthefruitthereof.

—Proverbs18:21

Perhapsoneof themostvividexamplesof the“tongue’spower” to savelifetookplaceinAtlanta,Georgia,inMarch2005.BrianNicholshadmurderedajudgeandthreeotherswhenhetookAshleySmithhostageandforcedhertolet him into her apartment.Most ofAmerica knows the rest of the story.Herwordsofhope,vision,andpurpose,andthewordsshereadfromthebookThePurpose-DrivenLife,broughtaboutadynamicchangeintheheartandmindofhercaptor.Herwordsnotonlysavedherlife,theysavedhislifeandwhoknowshow many other lives that might have been lost had he not peacefullysurrenderedtothepolice.

Mybestfriend,JimShaughnessy,hasspenta lifetimeusinghiswords tobringlifetoothers.Themomenthewalksintotheroom,peopleseemtocheerup.Whethertheyareachildoranadult,Jimseemstoknowjustwhattosayto

make them feel happy and appreciated. As a result, he has more closefriendshipsthananyoneIhaveeverknown.

Yourcommunicationcanbringdelighttoothers.

Awordfitlyspokenislikeapplesofgoldinpicturesofsilver.

—Proverbs25:11

Have you ever seen a beautiful painting or photograph that stopped youdead in your tracks? Imagine the incredibleworks of art thatmust have filledSolomon’spalace.JudgingfromthisProverb,I’llbethehadaparticularpieceofart thatwas his favorite, one that brought delight to him and to his guests—apicture or sculpture crafted in silver, decorated with apples of gold. Yet asbeautiful and desirable as that picture might have been, Solomon says thatspeaking the rightwords at the right time is just as beautiful andworthwhile.Moreover, when such words are expressed, the speaker or writer is deeplyappreciatedbytheotherperson.Ihavebeenfortunatethroughoutmylifetobesurroundedbypeoplewhoseemtoknowjustwhattosayandhowandwhentosayit.Inmytimesofsadnessordespair,mywife,Shannon,andmybestfriends,JimandPattyShaughnessy,TomandMarleneDelnoce, theSmalleys, andmypartners, Bob, John, and Dave Marsh, have always found words that havebecomeapplesofgoldinpicturesofsilver,wordsthatcoulddrawmyattentionawayfrommypainand liftmysoulandspirit. Insuch times,myappreciationandloveforthemincreasedallthemore.

We all have the ability to provide such words of love, kindness,encouragement,andwisdom.Solomongivesusanumberofwaystoincreasethepowerofourwordsandcommunications.

Solomon’sKeystoCommunication

Solomon’s keys to maximizing the power of our communication seem like

commonsenseatfirstglance,butinfacttheyareanythingbutcommontoday.

1.SpeakinSuchaWayThatYouMakeOthersWanttoListen

Thetongueofthewisemakesknowledgeacceptable,Butthemouthoffoolsspoutsfolly.

—Proverbs15:2

Formost people, speakingmeans simply saying whatever they feel likesaying.Peoplesaywhattheythinkorfeelastheythinkorfeelit,regardlessofitsvalidityorappropriateness.Whenyouhave something thatyou reallywanttheotherpersontoclearlyunderstandandembrace,youneedtocommunicateitinawaythatmakesitpalatable.Awisemanorwomandoeswhateverittakestomakewhattheyhavetosayeasytoswallow.

2.LearntoBecomePersuasive

Theheartofthewiseteacheshismouthandaddspersuasivenesstohislips.

—Proverbs16:23

TheHebrewwordSolomonusesfor“teaches”inProverbs16:23literallymeans “to instruct” or “thoughtfully guide.” In other words, don’t talk everytimeyoufeelliketalking;instead,takecontrolofwhatyousay.Learnwhentospeakandwhennottospeak.Youshouldthinkaboutwhentospeakandwhattosaybefore youopenyourmouth. For some, this is easy. For others, it can bevery difficult. One obvious benefit is that when you are not talking, you canlisten, and listening gives you a better understanding of the other person’sperspectiveandpointofview.

The second half of Solomon’s injunction in this Proverb tells us to add

persuasiveness to our speech. People sometimes equate persuasiveness withmanipulation.Nothing could be further from the truth.Manipulation uses anymeanspossible, includingdeceit, toconvincesomeone todosomething that isnot in their best interest. Persuasion, on the other hand, allows you to presentyour point of view in a clear and compellingway tomotivate someone to dowhatyoubelievetobeintheirbestinterestorforthecommongood.

3.ListenBeforeSpeaking

Hethatanswersamatterbeforehehearsit,itisfollyandshameuntohim.

—Proverbs18:13

Wheneverwebegintoanswerapersonbeforethepersonfinishesmakinghispoint,weareboth foolishand rude.Oneofmydearest friendshas alwayshadahabitofspeakingbeforeIcompletelyfinishathought.It’sasifhe’stryingtofinishmystatementforme.Sadly,heusuallyjumpstothewrongconclusion.HeissuchakindmanthatIcan’tconsiderhimrude,buthisdoingsoiscertainlyanerrorofjudgment.I’vebeenguiltyofdoingthesamethingwithmypartners,myfriends,mywife,andmychildren.EventhoughIdon’tmeantoberude,thatishowIcancomeacross.Whyriskthiswhenwecanjustpatientlywaitforthepersontofinishspeaking?

4.BeSlowtoSpeak,andGuardYourWordsCarefully

Doyouseeamanwhoishastyinhiswords?Thereismorehopeforafoolthanforhim.

—Proverbs29:20

Why was the wisest and richest man who ever lived so repetitive andinsistentthatweguardourmouthandbe“slowtospeak”?Ibelieveit’sbecause

as king he sat in the company ofmanywho pretended to bewise, butwhosewords exposed themas fools. I’m surehewitnessedmanywhowerequick tospeak, and spoke foolishly. Once words leave our lips, they can never beretracted.Solomon,morethananyone,knewtheincrediblepowerthatwordscancarry.InProverbs13:3,hewrote,“Theonewhoguardshismouthpreserveshislife;Theonewhoopenswidehislipscomestoruin.”Ihaveknownmenwhoseunwisewordshavegottenthemfiredanddestroyedtheircareers.

5.NeverTearOthersDown—Rather,BuildThemUp

Itissoeasytosaythingsthatarecuttingorhurtfultoothers,whetherwesayittotheirfaceorbehindtheirback.Werationalizethiswiththeexcusethateveryoneelsedoesit,too.Butthereisnothinginnocentaboutcuttingsomebodywithasword.Yetthat’sexactlywhatSolomonsayswearedoingwhenwecutsomebodydownwithwords(Proverbs12:18).Awisemanorwoman,hesays,useswordstobuildothersup,tohealtheirwoundsandfortifytheirself-esteem.Ournatural inclinationis to joininontheofficegossip,oruseangrywordstodefendourselveswhenunderattack.Solomonurgesustochoosetoactcontrarytoournaturalinclinations,refusingtotakepartingossipandavoidingtheuseofwords that would hurt others. He urges us to replace negative words withpositiveones.Whensomeonegossipsaboutanother,insteadofjoiningin,sayafew positive things about that person. You’ll be amazed at how quickly theconversationturnsfromthenegativetothepositive.

6.StopWhileYou’reAhead

Whentherearemanywords,transgressionisunavoidable,Buthewhorestrainshislipsiswise.

—Proverbs10:19

Manypeople,oncetheystarttalking,haveahardtimestopping.I’moneof

them.Solomonwarnsthatwhenyoukeeptalkingafteryou’vemadeyourpoint,you’re likely to say something foolish. This has happened tome on countlessoccasions.Makeyourpointbriefly,andthenbesilent.AsProverbs17:28states,evenafoolisconsideredwisewhenhekeepssilent.Andhewhomakesastrongpointwithonlyafewwordsishighlyesteemedbythosearoundhim.

7.ShareGenuineWisdom

Themouthofthejustbringsforthwisdom.

—Proverbs10:31a

With Solomon’s emphasis on saying less, here is one area where heencouragesustosaymore.Truewisdomisararecommodityintoday’sculture.When someone genuinely has something worthwhile to say, Solomonencourages them to share it. Grandfathers and grandmothers, fathers andmothers,mentors andmanagers should be generous in sharing thewisdom oftheir experience with their children and grandchildren, their employees, andthosetheyworkwith.

8.AlwaysSpeakTruthfully

Hethathidethhatredwithlyinglips,andhethatutterethaslander,isafool.

—Proverbs10:18

A recent survey of human resources managers revealed that a highpercentage of job applicants exaggerate or outright lie on their résumés. Thesameistrueinmarketing—thereislittletruthinadvertising,itoftenseems.Adsin allmedia exaggerate benefits andminimize risks to prospective consumers.Outright lying seems to be pervasive even at the top of some of America’slargestandmostadmiredcorporations.

Whenpeoplelie,theythinkthey’reoutwittingtheotherperson.Thefactis,however, according to Solomon, it’s never smart to lie. Executives at Enron,Tyco, and WorldCom thought they were being smart with their “creativeaccounting.”Buttheywerereallyjustlyingwithnumbers.Theirliescostthemand their employees and shareholders dearly. Even “little lies” can have bigconsequences,asMarthaStewartcanattest.

Iflyingisfoolishness,tellingthetruthissmart.Itcreatesafoundationofintegrity thatwecanbuildour life and reputationupon. It showsour spouses,children,friends,employers,peers,andcustomersthattheycanrelyonus.

TheBenefitsofBecominganEffectiveCommunicator

Solomonpromisesthreeadditionalrewardsforthosewhobecomeeffectiveandpersuasivecommunicators.

1.MaterialSuccess

Thelipsoftherighteousfeedmany.

—Proverbs10:21

StevenSpielbergandIsatnext toeachotheratmanyofourhighschoolfootballgames.Whileneitheroneofushadstoodoutinhighschool,bothofusachievedour“impossibledreams”asadults.Eighteenyearsafterwegraduated,whenwefinallymetupagain,Idiscoveredthatourliveshadbeenturnedaroundbythesamefactors.Wehadbothgainedaclearandprecisevisionofwhatwewantedtoachieve,wehadbothfoundterrificmentorsandpartners,andwebothhadlearnedhowtoeffectivelyandpersuasivelycommunicate.

Ifyou’rethinking,“Yeah,butyou’retheexception,”you’rewrong.Justasineffective communication is one of the greatest problems in life, when youeffectivelycommunicate,itproducestremendousbenefitsforyouandthoseyou

associate with. In Proverbs 18:20, Solomon says, “A man’s belly shall besatisfiedwiththefruitofhismouth;andwiththeincreaseofhislipsshallhebefilled.”

2.JoyandFulfillment

Amanhathjoybytheanswerofhismouth:andawordspokenindueseason,howgoodisit!

—Proverbs15:23

Whenever I express something to someone else that I know will bebeneficial,Ifeelasenseofsatisfaction.WhenIsaysomethingthatrelievesoneofmychildren’shurtsorconcerns,Ifeeladeepsenseofjoy.SolomonsaysthatwhenwesaytherightwordsattherighttimewegetthatJackieGleasonfeelingof “How sweet it is.” In Proverbs 12:14, Solomon says that “a man will besatisfiedwith good by the fruit of hiswords.” Isn’t it gratifying to know thatofferingwisewordscannotonlymakeapositivedifferenceinthelivesofothersbutcanalsobringgreatersatisfaction,joy,andfulfillmentintoourlivesaswell?

3.TheFriendshipofThoseAroundYou

Hethatlovespurenessofheart,forthegraceofhislipsthekingshallbehisfriend.

—Proverbs22:11

Who wouldn’t like to have the respect, appreciation, and friendship ofothers?Solomonpromises this andmore to thosewho love virtue, andwhosevirtueisexpressedinconversationthatiskindandgracious.Even“kings”willbehisfriends.Ihavenevermetaking,butIhaveenjoyedfriendshipswithsomeofAmerica’s finest entertainers, and leaders in business andgovernment.Andtoday,suchnetworkingcanmakeaninvaluablecontributiontoanyone’scareer.

Like everyone else, people in authority would much rather associate withsomeone they can trust.Your integrity and ability to effectively communicatecreatesafoundationuponwhichfriendshipatalllevelscanbebuilt.

HowtoMakeKnowledgeAcceptableandAddPersuasivenesstoYourLips

Solomon directs us to become persuasive communicators and to usecommunication in away that “makesknowledge acceptable.”Thequestion is,“how?”Howcanwecommunicateeffectivelyandpersuasively?For30years,Ihaveusedthreetechniquesthathaveprovedtobeincrediblypowerful.They’veenabledmetogeneratemillionsoftoll-freephonecallsinresponsetomytwo-minutecommercialsandgeneratebillionsofdollars in sales.Because Idonothavethespaceinthischaptertoteachthesetechniques.Iwouldreferyoutothetwo chapters I have written on communication in my book Mentored by aMillionaire. Or you can find a summary of these techniques and othercommunicationskillsonmyWebsite:www.stevenkscott.com.

KnowledgetoWisdom

Howwecommunicate issomuchapartofwhoweare,yetweoften pay less attention than we should to how and what wecommunicate.Attheendofyourday,thinkbackoverwhatyousaidatvariouspointstogetaclearpictureofwhatyou’redoingrightandwhatyou’redoingwrong incommunicatingwithothers,whetheratworkorathome.Dothisforoneweek.Thenwriteouthowyoucanchange the negative ways you communicate, and increase thepositive.

MYDAILYCOMMUNICATIONCHECKLIST

DIDI:

___Use“soft”answerstode-escalatetension,anger,orarguments?

___Usecuttingwordstotearsomeonedown?

___Useencouragingwordstobuildsomeoneup?

___Saytherightthingatjusttherighttimetohelpencourageorsupportsomeone?

___Findwaystomakeknowledgeacceptable?

___Usepersuasivenessratherthanauthorityorforcetomakemyargument?

___ListenwellbeforeIspoke,ordidIanswerbeforeIlistened?

___Communicatewisdomandfairness?

WASI:

___Slowtospeak,orhastytoexpressmythoughts?

___Truthful,withoutexaggeration,ormisleading?

CHAPTER6

TheGreatAccelerator:TheKeytoMaximumSuccessinMinimumTime

Withoutcounselplansarefrustrated,butwithmanycounselorstheysucceed.

—PROVERBS15:22

WhyPursueYourDreamsat5mphWhenYouCanGo65?

Shortlyafter I receivedmydriver’s license, Iwasdrivingmysister’scaronafreewayinPhoenix.Acarinfrontofmewasmovingtooslowlyformycomfort,soIswitchedlanestopassandhitthegaspedalashardasIcouldtogetaroundtheothercar.Asanewdriver,Ilovedtheexhilarationofputtingthepedaltothemetal and feeling the car instantly respondwith quick acceleration. Only thistime, something was dreadfully wrong. As I tromped on the pedal, nothinghappened.Ididn’tevenheartheenginerevup.Ikeptstompingonthepedalashard as I could, but nothing happened! Worse, the car was slowing down. IglancedatthefuelgaugeandtomyhorrorsawthattheneedlewaspointedtotheE. If youhave ever runoutofgas, youknow the feeling.But the feeling thatstuckwithmemostclearlywasthefeelingofhelplessnessIexperiencedwhenIpressedrepeatedlyontheacceleratortonoresponse.

Nowimagineifacardidn’thaveanaccelerator.Eventheworld’sfastestandmostexpensivesportscarwouldbeworthless.Nomatterhowpowerfulitsfuelandengine,withoutanaccelerator,theenginewouldonlyidle.Ontheotherhand,withanaccelerator,acarnotonlymovesforward,itcanacceleratetohighspeeds, allowingyou to arrive atyourdestinationquickly.WithoutSolomon’saccelerator, you will never achieve any extraordinary dream in a reasonable

amountoftime.Infact,you’relikelytogiveuponyourdreamsaltogether,justidling alone without making significant progress. Most people just give up.Solomon’s accelerator changes everything.When correctly used, it will moveyoutowardtheachievementofyourgoalsanddreamsatunimaginablespeeds.

Unfortunately, most people go through life without effectively applyingthis accelerator in the pursuit of their dreams. They simply idle. The fact is,everysuperachieverinhistoryhasusedthisacceleratortoachievetheirdreams.Andnooneinhistoryhasachievedanysignificantorextraordinaryachievementwithoutusingthisaccelerator.Whatisthisaccelerator?ItisSolomon’sstrategyofeffectivepartnering.

What’saPartner?

InChapter2,wesawthatoneofSolomon’sfourstepstobringingdiligenceintoanyareaofyourlifeisthatofeffectivelypartnering.Youliterallycan’tbetrulydiligentinanyimportantendeavorwithoutpartnering.InSolomon’swritings,heusesanumberofwordstoconveytheconceptofpartnering,butmoreoftenthannot, he uses thewords “counselor” and “counsel.” I like his choice ofwords,because they have amuch broader connotation than ourmodern concept of apartner. When we think of a partner, we usually think of a legal partner. Acounselor, on the other hand, can mean anyone who gives us needed advice,consultation,direction,oraidinthepursuitofaparticulargoal.Itcanbealegalpartner, but it can also be a friend, a spouse, a coworker, a key employee, anadviser, a mentor, or even an author. By this definition, when you study theBook of Proverbs, you are making Solomon your counselor. And when youfollowhis advice, you are truly acting as if he’s yourpartner. Inotherwords,youhavetheprivilegeofhavinginyourcamptherichestandwisestmanwhoeverlived.

A PARTNER OR COUNSELOR is anyone who can provide

needed insight, advice, wisdom, or any practical help for theeffectiveachievementofaspecificproject,goal,ordream.

Sadly, most people seek a counselor or partner only when they are introubleorwhentheyhaveanobviousneedthattheycan’thandlebythemselves.Thisisespeciallytrueofmen.Eveninastrangecity,wemenusuallywon’tstopandaskfordirectionsuntilwearehopelesslylost.

Solomon knew better. He would not even consider undertaking anysignificantendeavorwithout first seekingoutwisecounsel.Whatdidheknowthatmost of us don’t?He knew that enlisting the aid of wise counselors andgood partners was critical to achieving success, and achieving it as soon aspossible.Heknewthateffectivepartneringofferedtremendousbenefits,andthatattempting to tackle any important effort without counselors or partners wasfoolhardy.

TheConsequencesof“GoingItAlone”

We’veallheardthecomment“IdidthebestIcould.”I’veheardita thousandtimes,saiddifferentways.“Ican’tdoitanybetter.”“Thisisasgoodasitgets.”“That’snotme.”And“Icouldneverdothat.”Thesestatementsmaybetrue,inthat they reflect one’s personal limitations when trying to do something byoneself.However, theyarealsocompletelyfalse; if thatpersonwere to recruitcounselorsorpartners,theycouldhaveachievedfarmorethantheywouldhavethought possible. Solomon warns that doing anything without the aid ofcounselorsorpartnerswillradicallylimitone’sachievement.Amongthelikelyconsequences:

YourPlansandPurposesWillBeFrustrated

In1974,Istartedmyownmarketingconsultingbusiness.Mymainsource

ofincomewasasingleclient,acommercialrealestatedeveloper.Sevenmonthslater, I lost his account when his company filed for bankruptcy. I had savedenoughmoney to last about fourmonths. I had twomarketing projects that Ithought offered a real chance to make a lot of money, but I could afford topursueonlyone. In the firstmonth, I researched andwroteout plans for bothideas.Isoughtoneman’scounselononeoftheideas.Whenhetoldmeitwouldneverwork,Iquicklyabandonedthatideafortheother.IpouredeverydollarIhad into thedevelopmentof theotherproject,whichwasa shopper’sguide tonewhomedevelopments in thePhoenixarea. Isoughtnocounsel for this ideaanddidnottrytorecruitanypartners.AshardasItried,asmuchmoney,time,andeffortasIputintoit,IranoutofmoneybeforeIcouldmarket-testtheidea.Iwas totally broke. So broke, in fact, that families from my church began toanonymously leave bags of groceries on my doorstep, because I didn’t haveenoughmoneytobuyfoodformywifeandthree-year-olddaughter.

InProverbs15:22,Solomon tellsus thatwithout counsel,yourpurposes,plans,goals,orworkwillbefrustrated,disappointed,orcompletelystopped.Inmycase,alloftheabovetookplace.Noonebeginsaproject,whetherpersonalor professional, thinking that they are going to fail.Yet 70percent of all newbusinessesfailwithintheirfirstyearofoperation.Everycoupleentersmarriagetruly believing that they are going to live “happily ever after.” Yet over 50percentendindivorce.Butthefailureratesinbusinessandinmarriagearecutbytwo-thirdswhencounselorsarebroughtintotheequation,beforethebusinessisstartedorthemarriagevowsareexchanged.

YouWillFall

Haveyoueversufferedafall?Nobodyeverplanstofall—itjusthappens.Ionce steppedon someunseen ice andmy feet flewout beneathme.As Iwasfalling,Irememberedtheterriblefeelingofpanic,ofbeingtotallyoutofcontrol.Irememberhopingthatsomecushionedpartofmybodywouldhit theground

first, before my head. But I had no chance of controlling how I landed.Fortunately,myhandshit thegroundfirst,breakingmyfall.Myheadhitnext.Bothofmywristsweresprained,andIhadagolf-ball-sizedlumponmyhead,but thatwas it.Dr.RobertAtkins, famedcreatorof theAtkinsDiet,wasn’tsofortunate.Ashewalkeddownthestepsofhishome,I’msurehehadnoideathathewasone step away from the last stepofhis life.Henever saw the ice thatcausedhisfall.Uponlanding,hisheadborethefullimpact.DespitethevalianteffortsofsomeofNewYork’sfinestdoctors,heneverregainedconsciousness,andhediedafewdayslater.

SolomontellsusinProverbs11:14thatwithouttheaidofcounsel,youwillfall.The terrifyingaspectsof a fall are:Younever see it coming,you loseallcontrol,andyousuffer injury toonedegreeoranother.Thesame is truehere.Solomonsaysthat,withoutseekingcounselorpartners,soonerorlateryouwillfall. It’snot amatterof if, butwhen.Said anotherway,don’t seekcounsel inyourwork—youwill fail; don’t seek counsel in yourmarriage—youwill fall;don’tseekcounselinyourparenting—youwillfalter;anddon’tseekcounselinyourfinances—youwillfail.

YouWillExperienceFinancialLossandPersonalHumiliation

Povertyandshameshallbetohimthatrefusesinstruction.

—Proverbs13:18

ThreetimesinmylifeIhavehadinvestmentopportunitiesthatseemedlike“can’tmiss”moneymakers.Iwassoconfidentthattheywere“surethings”thatIrefused to listen tomy financial counselors andmade the investments againsttheiradvice.IforgotwhatSolomonwarnedinProverbs13:18—thatthepersonwhorefusesinstructionorcounselwillexperiencebothpovertyandshame.Eachofthesethreetimes,IlosteverypennyIhadinsavings.Eachtime,Iwasdriventotheedgeofbankruptcy.Eachtime,Iwashumiliatedinfrontofmyfamilyand

friends.Fortunately,myownbusinesswassuchaproductivepartnershipandsoundeservedlyblessedthatIwasalwaysabletorecoverandgainbackmostofmylosses.

Afriendofminewholosthisrestaurantbusinesswasn’tsofortunate.Hepursuedhisobjectiveswithoutheedingthecounselofothers.Helosteverythinghe owned. Worse, he left town without communicating with many of hisinvestors and fled the state in shame. Both he and I could have avoided ourfinanciallossesandhumiliationhadweonlyhumbledourselvesandheededthecounselofothers.

TheRewardsofEffectivePartnering

YouWillAccomplishYourDreams,Goals,Plans,andObjectives

Everypurposeisestablishedbycounsel...

—Proverbs20:18

AccordingtoSolomon,byrecruitingandeffectivelyutilizinganumberofcounselors or partners in important endeavors, youwill achieve your goals inlife. In fact, effective partnering is more than just a component in theachievement of our goals—it is the component that is responsible for suchachievement.

After failing miserably in both of my own businesses and in six of mysevenjobs,onjobnumbertenIpartneredwithmymentor,wholaterbroughtinahandfulofotherpartners.Theresultwasradicallydifferent.Wecreateddozensofcompanies,achievingbillionsofdollarsinsalesandtensofmillionsofdollarsin personal income. It’s impossible to overestimate the power of effectivecounselandpartnering.

You’llReduceYourRisk

Wherenocounselis,thepeoplefall:butinthemultitudeofcounselorsthereissafety.

—Proverbs11:14

Simply seeking a single opinion is not enough to avoid a fall. Solomonclaimsthatifwetrulywanttobesurewe’remakingthebestdecisionpossibleon an important issue or concern,we needmany counselors.One ofmy dearneighborswas told by our local doctors that she had terminal cancer and hadonlysixmonthstolive.Theytoldhertogetheraffairsinorder.Whenshetoldthat tooneofher friends inTexas,he flewher toHouston tobeexaminedbyseveralspecialiststhere.Theyembarkedonacourseoftreatmentthatsavedherlife.Today, nearly a decade later, she is cancer-free, and themost active (andloving)seventy-four-year-oldIknow.

Ihaveseenthesameresultsinbusiness.Ihaveeightpartners.In1996,wewereon thevergeofbankruptcydue tomarketingmistakeswemade in1995.Wehadonlyenoughmoneytotakeononemoreproject.Whenwefirsttestedit,the test-market results weren’t sufficient for us to roll out the program into anationalcampaign.Of theeightpartners,one,DaveMarsh,had two ideas thatturnedeverythingaround.Dave’stwoideasliterallytransformedamillion-dollarloserintoabillion-dollarwinner.IfIhadonlyhadsevenpartners,withoutDave,our company would have gone broke. Our multitude of partners not onlyprovidedsafety, it resulted in tensofmillionsofdollars inprofits in theyearsthat followed. In Proverbs 24:6, Solomon tells us, “For bywise counsel thoushaltmakethywar;andinamultitudeofcounselorsthereissafety.”

Solomon is literally talking about war here, but his recommendation isapplicable to any action or competition. By seeking wise counsel before youinitiateaction,youarefarmorelikelytochooseyourbattleswisely,andwinthebattles you choose. So oftenwe create conflictwith our spouses, children, orothersoverissuesthatareinsignificant.Objectivecounselorswilloftenhelpus

see such issues in their proper perspective.Andwhen a conflict iswarranted,theywillhelpusapproachtheconflictandengageinit inawaythatproducesthebestpossibleoutcome.Solomon,ofcourse,isoneofthebestcounselorsonecould have. In Chapter 9, you’ll learn his counsel for winning and resolvingconflict.

You’llGainWisdomThatWillServeYoutheRestofYourLife

Hethatwalkswithwisemenshallbewise....

—Proverbs13:20

Iwastwenty-fouryearsoldwhenImetBobMarshandtwenty-fivewhenImetGarySmalley.TheyarethewisestmenIhaveknown.Fortunatelyforme,bothbecamecounselors,partners,andmentorstome.Asyouknow,itwasGarywhointroducedmetotheBookofProverbs.Hiswisecounselhashelpedmeindealingwithpersonalandprofessionalissues.BobMarshhasbeenlikeasecondfathertome.Hetaughtmemoreaboutmarketingandbusinessinthreemonthsthan I had learned in four years of business school and six years in business.BothGary andBob’swise counselhavenotonlyhelpedmeat the times theyweregiven, theirwisdomremainswithme.Adaydoesnotgoby that Idon’tdrawuponthatwisdom.

InTroubledTimes,You’llHaveSomeonetoHelpYouOut

Twoarebetterthanonebecausetheyhaveagoodreturnfortheirlabor.Forifeitherofthemfalls,theonewillliftuphiscompanion.

—Ecclesiastes4:9–10

Nobodysailsthroughlifewithoutexperiencingtrialsandunexpectedfalls.Soonerorlater,theycometoallofus.Solomonstateswhatshouldbeobvioustoall and yet seems to be missed bymost—that with a good partner there will

alwaysbesomeonetocometoyouraidandpickyouup.Withoutapartner,whatwouldhavebeenatemporarysetbackcanbecomeapermanentfailure.

You’llbeAbletoWinBattlesThatWouldOtherwiseBeLost

Thoughonemaybeoverpowered,twocandefendthemselves.Acordofthreestrandsisnotquicklybroken.

—Ecclesiastes4:12

From1979 until 1985,my partners and I created a number of televisionmarketing campaigns for a small life insurance company.We created a jointventureinwhichweadvancedthemoneyforthetelevisionmarketingcampaign,andthe insurancecompanyprovidedthe insurancepolicies to theviewerswhoresponded.Ouragreementstatedthattheprofitsfromthesecampaignswouldbesplitbetweenus,fifty-fifty.In1985, thatcompanywaspurchasedbyaforeigncompanythatrefusedtopayusourshareoftheprofits.Theirattitudewas“sueus.”Theyknewthatwedidnothavethemoneytosurvivefivetotenyearsoflitigation.Weweredevastated.Notonlydidthecompanynotpayustheprofitstheyowed,theydidnotreimburseusforthemillionsofdollarswehadspentonour previous campaign. We had used our credit to purchase airtime fromhundredsoftelevisionstations,andnowwehadnomoneytopayourbills.

Fortunatelyforus,asthiswashappening,webroughtinaseventhpartner,abrilliant formerpresidentofan insurancecompanyandamanof thehighestintegrity. Without even being asked, he volunteered to empty his personalsavings account and pay the stations enoughmoney to keep them temporarilysatisfied.Hethenmiraculouslynegotiatedawonderfuldealforuswithanotherinsurance company.We then created a campaign thatmade enoughmoney topayoffallofourdebt,returnhismoney,andsustainourbusiness.Inourcase,acordofeightstrandskeptusfrombeingoverpoweredandbroken.Wewentonto create many new companies and overpower our competition, and for a

number of yearswe becamemore productive than any public company in theworld.Without the strength of partnership,wewould have been overpoweredandbankruptedtwenty-twoyearsago.

You’llAchieveGreaterSuccess

Solomonassuresusthatwhateversuccessyoumightachievebyyourself,withtherightpartneryou’llachievealevelofsuccessthatiswildlybetter!Mostpeoplepursuetheirmostcherisheddreamsalone.Why?Becausetheydon’tseehowmuchbetterthingscouldbewiththerightpartner.

Inmyfirstfiveyearsaftercollege,Iworkedforeightdifferentemployers.Inall these jobs, Iwas“onmyown.”None lastedvery long,andmyworkonthosejobswasnevermuchabovemediocre.Myincomenevertopped$1,000amonth.Onjobnumbernine,Irecruitedthehelpofapart-timementor.Mysalaryjumpedto$1,500amonth,andtogetherwedoubledthecompany’ssales,from$30 million a year to $60 million a year. On job ten, I entered a full-timepartnershipwithmymentor;withinayear,weaddedfourmorepartners.

DidSolomon’spromiseofa“wildlybetterreturn”onourlaborcometrue?Job ten has lasted twenty-nine years, and my income has skyrocketed from$1,000amonthtoashighas$600,000amonth.Doesthatqualifyfora“wildlybetter”returnonourlabor?

“Waitaminute,”yousay.“Youandyourpartnersobviouslybroughtalotofexperienceandskill tothetable.”Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.Iwas a 27-year-old corporate failurewho had never created a single successfultelevisioncommercialormarketingcampaigninmylife.Ourmentorwasa52-year-oldentrepreneurwhowasonthevergeofgoingoutofbusiness.Theotherpartners were a 27-year-old dog trainer, a 24-year-old oil field worker, a 24-year-oldprintingestimator,anda19-year-oldconveniencestoreclerk.ThoughIwastheonlycollegegraduateinthegroup,Ihadexperiencedmorefailuresthan

therestofthegroupcombined.Whereinthisgroupdoyouseethepotentialforbuilding dozens of multimillion-dollar companies with billions of dollars insales?Theansweris,youdon’t,becausethatpotentialdidn’texistamongusasindividuals.Rather,itwasthepartnershipthatgaveusthatpotential.That’stheincrediblepowerofpartnering.

WARNING:TakeCaretoAvoidtheWrongPartners

Whenever I speak to audiences about the incalculable rewards ofpartnering, inevitably someonewill approachmeafterwardwithahorror storyabout a partnership gone wrong. They usually present their experience as anargumentagainstpartnering.ButSolomonneversaidpartnerwithjustanyone.Rather,hecautions,partneronlywithpeoplewhomeettherightqualifications:“Confidenceinanunfaithfulmanintimeoftroubleislikeabrokentooth,andafootoutofjoint”(Proverbs25:19).

While he was visiting a remote village in Uruguay, my neighbor’s sonbrokea toothwhenhebitdownonarockthatwashiddeninaplateofbeans.Thisyoungmanisalinebackeronhiscollegefootballteamandhasexperienceda lotofpain inhisyearsofplaying football.Buthe toldme thathehasneverexperiencedpainthatcancomparetowhathefeltwhenhebrokehistooth.Asbadasthatis,imaginehavingadislocatedfoot.Everystepwouldbefilledwithexcruciatingpain.Inbothcases,thepainwouldbesointensethatitwouldmakeitimpossibletoperformanyworkproductively.

These twoscenarios reflect thekindofexperienceyoucanexpect ifyoupick the wrong kind of partner. The wrong kind of partner in marriage or inbusinesscanmakeyourlifemiserable.Pickingthewrongpartnerinanyareaofourlifecanproducelife-alteringconsequences.Solomonofferssevenredflagstowatchoutforwhenchoosingapartnerorcounselor:

1.Alackofintegrity

Whoeverispartnerwithathiefhateshisownsoul.

—Proverbs29:24

Solomonmeansmore than a personwho literally steals another person’spossessions. To Solomon, a thief is anyone whose character subordinates,suppresses,orabandonshonestyfor thesakeofself-gratificationor thepursuitof ambition.Amanwho lies on his income tax return, cheats on hiswife, ordoes personal business on company time is just as much a thief as one whosnatchesapurse, stealsacar,or robsabank.Theonlydifference is the targetand degree of dishonesty.Amanwho is dishonestwith otherswill sooner orlaterbedishonestwithyouoryourclients.Everyonehas liedorcheatedmorethan once in their life. But most people feel guilty about it, and their actionusuallyrepresentsanexceptionintheirliferatherthananorm.Thesearenotthepeople Solomon warns about. He is warning about people who are quick torationalizeorexcusetheirowndishonesty,peopleforwhomdishonestbehavioris the rule rather than the exception. To partner with such a person willultimatelycauseustocompromiseourverybeing.

Characterdoescount.Integrityshouldbethemostimportanttraitwelookforwhenchoosingapartner,amate,oracounselor.Themarriageofoneofmybest friends was destroyed by an unscrupulous marriage counselor. Thiscounselorcondonedhiswife’sextramaritalaffair, rather thancriticizing it.Myfriend’s wife left him for the other man, who later abandoned her when shewanteda commitment.My friend,his children, andhis ex-wifepaid a terriblepriceforchoosingacounselorwithoutintegrityorwisdom.

2.Aquicktemperordeep-seatedanger

Makenofriendshipwithanangryman;andwithafuriousmanthoushaltnotgo.

—Proverbs22:24

HowmanydivorceswouldbeavoidedifpeoplepaidattentiontothisoneadmonitionofSolomon?Dr.GarySmalleystates thatanger is the singlemostdestructive force in a relationship. Everyone occasionally loses his or hertemper. But Solomon’s talking about a man or woman whose character ispermeatedwith anger. Such people are quick to lose their temper because therootcausesoftheirangerhaveneverbeeneffectivelydealtwith.InChapter11,we will look at Solomon’s powerful insights regarding anger. Here we aresimplywarned not to form anybondor partnershipwith an angry person.Anangry person will set aside reason, personal responsibility, and matters ofconscience under the driving force of their anger. Sooner or later, their angerwillbringthemdownandtheirpartnerswilltakethefallwiththem.

Thisadmonitiondoesn’tmeanthatyoucan’tbekindoroutgoingtosuchaperson. Itmerelywarnsusnot toenteranykindof interdependentrelationshipwiththem.

3.Foolishness

Leavethepresenceofafool,Oryouwillnotdiscernwordsofknowledge.

—Proverbs14:7

Solomontellsusthatifweseekwisecounselandpartnerwithwisepeople,wewillgainwisdomthatwillserveusintheneartermandthroughoutourlife.Theoppositeisalsotrue.IfwepartnerwiththekindofpersonSolomoncallsafool,wewilllosetheabilitytodiscerntrueknowledge.Inotherwords,wewon’tbeabletotellthedifferencebetweengoodideasandbad.Havingreadhundredsofbiographiesandbusiness“casehistories,”Ineverceasetobeamazedathowmanybusiness executivesdo incredibly stupid things.Seeminglybrilliantmen

make terrible choices and errors in judgment, both personally and in theirbusiness decisions. Often these foolish decisions result from their associationwithfoolishmen,sometimesothercorporateexecutives,sometimesconsultants,andsometimesfriends.

4.Anyonewhooffersalotforalittle

Everycommunityisfullofpeoplewhooffer“opportunities”thatpromisea huge return for just a little investment or effort, opportunities that at firsthearingsoundtoogoodtobetrue.Solomonwarnsusnottofollowthesepeopleor their recommendations.And ifweshouldn’t follow them, thenwecertainlyshouldnotbecomeinvolvedinanykindofcommittedrelationshiporpartnershipwiththem.InProverbs28,hewarnsusthattodosocantakeus“intopoverty.”Iignored thiswarning and borrowedmillions of dollars to investwith a personofferingsuchanopportunity.Mymoneywasgoingtobetiedupforonlythreeto sixmonths andwasgoing tomore thanquadruplewhen the companywentpublic.Thatwaseightyearsago.Thecompanywentbankrupt,andmymillionswerelost.

But you don’t have to be amillionaire to get sucked into get-rich-quickschemes. Television fast-buck artists show you how to make fortunes in realestate,stocktrading,andsoon;allyouhavetodoissendthemafewhundreddollars to learn how. People and opportunities that ask you for very little andpromiseyoualotinreturnarepeoplenottobetrusted.Whenyourunintothem,turnaroundandrunaway.

5.Theexcessiveuseofflattery

Amanthatflattershisneighborspreadsanetforhisfeet.

—Proverbs29:5

Alyingtonguehatesthoseitcrushes,andaflatteringmouthworks

ruin.

—Proverbs26:28

What’s thedifferencebetweenpraiseand flattery?TheHebrewword forpraiseSolomontranslatesas“commend,”whilethewordheusesforflatteryissynonymouswith“smoothtalk.”Flatteryis“smoothtalk”thatismeanttopuffupyourego;praiseismeanttocommendyouforyourcharactertraitsandyourworthwhile efforts and deeds. Anytime a “smooth talker” flatters you, be onguard.Themanwhoofferedme theopportunity toquadruplemymoneyonlytheweekbeforehadopenlyflatteredmeinfrontofalargeaudience.Whilemywifereactedverynegativelytohisflattery,myegowaspuffedup.Hespreadhisnet,andmybankaccountwaspromptlyemptied.Iwassaddledwithadebtthatnearlyruinedme.

6.Aninclinationtogossipandexaggerate

Hethatgoesaboutasatalebearerrevealssecrets:thereforemeddlenotwithhimthatflatterswithhislips.

—Proverbs20:19

Solomondistrustedbigtalkers,peoplewhotalkalotandperformlittle.Hehad an even greater problem with liars, gossips, “flatterers,” and people whorevealotherpeople’ssecrets.Heurgesustopayattentiontowhatcomesoutofother people’s mouths. When you encounter these traits in a person, do notfollow their lead,donot seek their counsel, anddonotpartnerwith them.Ontwodifferentoccasions,before readingProverbs, Ihiredassistantswho turnedout to be gossips, big talkers, and flatterers. One stole thousands of dollars’worthofproductsfromourcompanyandmisrepresentedherpositiontoothersoutsideofourcompany,whiletheotherusedhercompanycreditcardtomakepersonal purchases of over a hundred thousand dollars and paid the company

onlyhalfof thatback.O, thatIhadknowntheseProverbsbefore Ihiredthesepeople.

7.Adisregardforrules,regulations,laws,orpersonalboundaries

Whosokeepeththelawisawiseson:buthethatisacompanionofriotousmenshamethhisfather.

—Proverbs28:7

Haveyou ever knownanyonewho thinksor acts as if they’re above thelaw, orwho feels regulations and rules aremeant for other people rather thanthem?Althoughthistraitmayseemharmless,itisnot.Peoplewhoexhibitsuchtraits are able to excuse or rationalize anything they do. They are often highachievers. It is easy to become so enthralled by their résumés andaccomplishmentsthatweignoreorexcusethesetraits.Solomonwarnsusnottoenter a committed relationshiporpartnershipof anykindwith suchpeoplenomatter how successful they are. Their disregard for authority, rules, and lawswillmakeiteasyforthemtoexcuseimproperorabusivebehaviortowardyou,youremployees,oryourcustomers.

Howtopicktherightcounselorsandpartners,andavoidthewrongones

Thebenefitsofseekingcounselandeffectivepartneringaresoenormous,andtheconsequencesofchoosingthewrongcounselorsandpartnerscanbesodestructive, that it is critical thatweseek the right counselorsandpartners forany important pursuit in our lives.Here are a number of recommendations onhowtodoso.

1.UsethesevenredflagsprovidedbySolomonasyardsticksbywhichallpotential counselors, advisers, or partners should be measured.Eliminateanyoneforwhomanyoftheseredflagsappear.

2.When specifically looking for counselors and advisers, examine their“walk” before you listen to their talk. In the area forwhich they areproviding counsel, what do their lives tell you? For example, whywould anyone seek marriage counsel from a therapist who has notsucceeded in achieving a happy marriage himself? As basic as thisconcept is,millions of people follow the counsel of thosewho havefailed miserably in their own businesses or marriages. Do your duediligence.It’sYOURlifetheymaybemessingwith.

3. Assess your own strengths and weaknesses. What you usually don’tneedisapartnerwhoisacarboncopyofyourself.

4.Identifythetalents,abilities,andstrengthsthatyouneedinapartnerorcounselortocompensatefortheareasofyourweaknesses,inabilities,andlackofknow-how.

5.Whenpossible,lookforapersonwhosharesthesamevisionyouhaveforyourdreams,goals,project,orventure.Yourpartnernotonlyneedstoseeit,heneedstoidentifywithitandbecaptivatedbyit.

6. In business situations, look for a partner who is willing to be totallycommitted to your vision of achieving success. If you are totallycommitted and your partner isn’t, I can promise you that thepartnership won’t last long. Look at how he has performed in othersituations.Arehiscommitmentsshort-lived—orfaithfuluntiltheend?

7. Is your potential partner a positive person or not? People who aregenerally negative tend to be very poor partners. A partner doesn’thavetobeaspositiveorasoptimisticasyou,butifheisquicktoteardownothersorfindthenegativeinsituations,he’slikelytojumpshipwhen the going gets tough, or worse, steer the ship in the wrongdirection.

8.Lookatyourpotentialpartner’snaturaldrivesandgifts. Isheorsheatalker or a doer? How do you know? Look at what they havepersonallydone,notjustwhattheyhavehadothersdo.

Whateverdegreeof successyouachieve inyourpersonalorprofessionallife, rest assured that seeking counsel and effectively partnering will increaseyour success exponentially. Iwould rathergo throughadozenbadpartners tofindonegreatpartnerthannothaveapartneratall.ByusingSolomon’sadvice,you should be able to avoid thewrong ones and seek out and enlist the rightones.

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STRATEGIESANDTIPSFORIDENTIFYINGANDRECRUITINGMENTORS

Oneof themost important typesofpartnerswecan recruit is amentor. A mentor is someone who has already achievedextraordinary success in the area in which we want to achievesuccess,whether personal or professional.Here is a list of tips andstrategiesthatmanyhavefoundtobehelpfulintheirpursuit.

1.Determinethespecificdreamorareaofyourlifeforwhichyouwantamentor.Doyouneedamentortohelpyouinyourprofessioningeneral,ortohelpyouinaparticularareaofyourjob,career,orprofession(e.g.,managerialskillsormarketingskills)?

2.Createalistofpotentialmentorsforeachareayou’vedecidedon.Makealistofthepeopleyourespectmostwhomightbeabletogiveyou insight,wisdom,andadviceforeacharea inyour lifeyouwant to improve. List the names in order of preference. In otherwords, the person at the top of each list should be the person youwouldchooseifyoucouldpickanyoneyouwanted.

3.Startingwith thementors at the topof your list,writedownthestatusofyourcurrentrelationshipwitheachone(boss,friend,acquaintance,friendofafriend,totalstranger,andsoforth).

4.Writedown everything youknowabout thatperson througheither personal experience with them or through second-orthirdhandknowledge.

5. Research everything you can about your potential mentors.Whataretheirlikes,theirdislikes,theirpassions?Howdotheyspend

theirtimeonandoffthejob?Whatmotivatesthem?

6. If they’re mere acquaintances or strangers to you, do youknowanyonetheyknow?Ifyoudo,findoutallyoucanfromthatperson.Considerusingthatpersonasareferencetomakeyourinitialcontactwithapotentialmentor.

7. Prepare to contact a potential mentor on the phone, or inwriting with a brief proposal or request. Whether you plan tomakeyourcontactinperson,onthephone,orinaletter,youneedtoprepareyourproposalorrequestwellbeforeyoumakethecontact.Ifyou are contacting someonewhoknowsyour reference but doesn’tknow you, your reference should be mentioned in your openingsentence.Next, touchon thequalityorqualities thatyousoadmireabout this person. Briefly explain why those qualities are soimportanttoyouandhowyouwanttogainthisperson’sinsightandwisdom in making those qualities a part of your life. Ask if theperson could spare a brief amount of time eachweek ormonth (alunch, a breakfast, a coffee break, a round of golf) in which youcouldaskquestionsthatmighthelpyougrowinthisparticulararea.

8. Make the contact. Nothing beats a personal appointment.Dependinguponyourpotentialmentor,thatstrategymayormaynotbepractical.Ifyoucan’tmakeanappointmenttoseehimorher,thenext-bestthingisaphonecall.Usealetteronlywhenyouhavefailedto get ameeting ormake the contact by phone.Regardless of howyoumakecontact,makeitbriefandtothepoint.Anymentorworthhissalt(unlesshe’sretired)alreadyhasaverybusyschedule,andifhethinksfuturecontactswithyouaregoingtotaketoomuchofhistime, hewill either turn your proposal down outright or avoid youliketheplague.

9.Followup.Afteryou’vemadeyourfirstcontact,followupwithabriefnoteofappreciation,commentingonsomethingspecificthatheorshesaidordid.

10. Go to the next person on the list. If your first choice for amentor turns you down, find out why. Then go through this sameprocedurewiththenextpersononyourlist.

CHAPTER7

TheHappinessSecret

Ajoyfulheartisgoodmedicine:butabrokenspiritdriesthebones.

—PROVERBS17:22

WhatDoYouWant?

Nearly 3,000 years ago, Solomon wrote what medical researchers have onlyrecentlydiscovered, thatbeingtrulyhappyproduceswonderfulhealthbenefits.Today’sstudiesshowareducedriskofheartdisease,cancer,andsusceptibilityto other illnesses. On the other hand, new studies report that people who areunhappyordepressedexperienceahigherrateofinflammationinthecirculatorysystem,whichisamajorcontributortoheartdisease,heartattacks,andstrokes.Overall, depressed people have about twice the death rate per age category aspeoplewhoarehappy(thatstatisticdoesnotincludesuicides).Researchhasalsoshown that happy people recover from illness and surgery much faster thanunhappypeopledo.

Sowhatwillittaketomakeyouhappy?

Ifyoucouldhaveanyonethinginlife,absolutelyanything,whatwoulditbe?Prosperity?Abetterbody?Goodhealth?Alonglife?Agreatmarriage?Abetterjob?Afabulouscareer?What?

If you answer, “Prosperity,” I might respond, “What good is prosperitywithouthealth?”Ifyouanswer,“Greathealth,”Icouldpointoutalotofhealthypeople who aremiserable because they hate their jobs or don’tmake enoughmoney.Nomatterwhichansweryouchoose,Icouldpointoutsomeonewhohasexactlywhatyouwantandyet isunhappy.HowardHugheshad it all:money,power,fame,andromance.Andyethewasmiserable.

Thetruthis,moremoney,betterlooks,betterhealth,abetterjob,abettermarriage, and even a longer life are really only ameans to an end.What youreallywantgoesoneleveldeeperthanthat.Whatyoureallywantishappiness.

HAPPINESS isaheartfelt joy that is consistent,persistent,andlasting.

WhatKeepsUsfromBeingTrulyHappy?

Inhisearlyyears,beforehiswisdomwassupplantedwitharrogance,Solomondiscoveredthesourceofhappiness—whatittakestogainit,sustainit,andgrowit.Healsodiscoveredanumberofmajorbarriersthatpreventmostpeoplefromeverattainingit.

Lookingforhappinessinthewrongplaces

Hewholovesmoneywillnotbesatisfiedwithmoney,norhewholovesabundancewithitsincome.Thistooisvanity.

—Ecclesiastes4:10

As Solomon’s wealth grew, so did his arrogance, and he set aside hiswisdomandthevalues thatheknewtoberight.Hesethimselfonacourseoftryinganythingandeverythinghewanted, fromhedonism tohorticulture.Andtoward the endofhis life, he concluded that itwas all an exercise inwhathecalled vanity. Vanity is that which looksmarvelous on the surface but, whenexaminedmoreclosely,turnsouttobeoflittleworth.AttheendofSolomon’slife,heconcludedthatacquiringanythingthatlackseternalpurposeorvaluewasemptyinitspowertoprovidetruehappiness.Nomatterwhatmaterialthingsapersonacquires, theysoon lose theirappeal,and the temporaryhappiness theyprovidedsubsides.

Alackofgratefulness

“You don’t understand my circumstances,” I often hear from peoplejustifyingwhytheyareunhappy.

Solomonsuggests thatnomatterwhatreasonsyouhavetobeungrateful,there are even more and better reasons to be grateful. In Proverbs 20:12, hepointsoutthatoureyesandearsshouldbeappreciatedastheincrediblegiftsthatthey are. You may ask, “What does that have to do with being grateful?”Everything!Iworkintelevision,andIcantellyouthatnocamerahaseverbeeninventedthatbeginstocomparetothehumaneye,andnosoundsystemhaseverbeencreatedthatcomparestothehumanear.Likeeveryotherpartofourbody,theyareamazing.Solomonimpliesthatwedon’thavetogoanyfurtherthanasimple consideration of our bodies to be grateful. No man-made pump cancomparetoourheart,nocomputercancomparetoourbrain,andtheyarenotagiven—thereareplentyofpeoplewhoseeyes,ears,andheartsdonotfunctionastheyshould.Weshouldbegratefulforawealthofthingsinourlivesanddaysthatwetakecompletelyforgranted.

It’s impossible to be grateful and unhappy at the samemoment in time.Anymoment,hour,day,orweekthatyouareunhappy,youhavechosentoletyourfocusrestonsomethingotherthanthegiftsyouhavebeengiven.Letyourunhappinessserveasanalarmtoredirectyourfocusandenergy.Ifyouwanttoincreaseyourhappiness,followSolomon’sexample:Makealistofallthethingsthat you should be grateful for. Then, every time you notice unhappinesscreepingintoyourthoughts,redirectyourfocustothosewonderfulgifts.

Envy

Wrathiscruel,andangerisoutrageous;butwhoisabletostandbeforeenvy?

—Proverbs27:4

“If I hadwhat he [or she] has, then I’d be happy.”We’ve all had suchthoughts.WhenI livedinanapartmentandhadlittlemoney,IenviedfamilieswhohadahouseandmoremoneythanI.WhenIboughtmyfirsthouse,Ienviedpeoplewho had bigger and nicer houses.When I drove a 1961 Studebaker, Ienvied those who drove newer and nicer cars. When I was unhappy in mymarriage, I envied friendswhohadhappymarriages. It seemed that nomatterwhat I gained or acquired, there were always others I envied. I became amultimillionairewithajobthatIlovedandafamilythatIadored,yetthereweretimes I foundmyself envying a high school classmatewho became a famousdirector and billionaire. Then one day I reread Solomon’swords on envy.Hesaid envy was more destructive than anger. It is impossible to be happy andenviousatthesametime.Ieitherhadtofindawaytodealwithmyenvy,orIwould never be consistently happy.Why?Envy takes your eyes offwhat youhaveandfocusesyourattentiononwhatyoudon’thave.Itreflectsanattitudeofarrogance and entitlement. When you are envious, misery and ultimatelydepressionreignsupreme.

The seedsof envy reside in everyone’sheart andmind.Theyneed tobedealtwithdaily.MartinLutheroncesaid,“Youcan’tstopabirdfromlandingonyourhead,butyoucanstophimfrombuildinganestonit.”Wecannotpreventenvious thoughts from entering our hearts, butwe can keep them from takingroot.Andtheantidoteisgratefulness.Gratefulnessliterallymeanstobefullofgratitude.Whenyourheartisfullofgratitude,thereisnoroomforenvytogrow.

Asenseofentitlement

Everyman’swayisrightinhisowneyes...

—Proverbs21:2

Today,nomatterwhatpeoplehaveorwhatthey’vebeengiven,theyoftenfeelthattheyareentitledtomore.Husbandsfeeltheyareentitledtomorethantheirwivesprovide, andviceversa.Employees feel entitled tomore than theyare receiving from their employers. People feel they’re entitled tomore frominsurance companies, health care providers, and government agencies. Howoftendoyoucomplainbecauseyou’renotgettingeverythingyou thinkyou’reentitled to from one ormore people in your life?Here’s a law of life we allshouldbeawareof:Aslongasourheartisfocuseduponwhatwedon’thaveandonwhatwethinkwe’reentitledto,wewillnotbehappy!

Foolishness

Hethattrustsinhisownheartisafool,Butwhoeverwalkswiselywillbedelivered.

—Proverbs28:26

The final obstacle that stands as a roadblock to happiness is our ownunwillingnesstolookoutsideourselves.Werelysolelyuponourunderstanding,inourownheart,andmakeourdecisionsbaseduponourfeelings.SolomonsaidinProverbs28:26,“Hethattrustsinhisownheartisafool.”Why?Becauseourfeelingsarenotonlyunreliable,theycanchangeinamoment.Ourfeelingsaresubjecttoanemotionalrollercoaster.Onemomentwearehappy,thenextwe’resadordepressed.Onemomentwe’refilledwithlove,thenextwe’redrivenbyanger.Onemomentwe’refullofconfidence,thenextwe’refilledwithfearandworry. The personwho trusts solely in his own heart is ultimately betting hisfutureuponhisownfiniteknowledgeandthewhimsofhisfeelings.NowonderSolomoncallsthisfoolishness.

OvercomingtheBarrierstoPersonalHappinessOvercomingthebarrierstopersonalhappinessissimplyamatterofdoingwhatthevariousProverbswe’vereadaboutadviseustodo.

Nonetheless,IthoughtitmightbehelpfultosummarizeSolomon’sadvice:Developagratefulheart.

This simply means that throughout each day, focus on those things forwhich you are grateful. For those who are currently having a hard timeovercomingadevastatingsetbackorsorrow,GarySmalleyteachesawonderfultechniquecalled“treasurehunting”intheopeningchaptersofhisbookMakingLove Last Forever. Applying this simple skill will help you discover hiddentreasures in even your most traumatic experiences. Once you discover thosetreasures,nothingwillstandinyourwayofgainingagratefulheart.

Eliminateyoursenseofentitlement.

Afalsesenseofentitlementinanyareaofyourlifeisanenemythatwillkeepyouboundtounhappiness.Theonlywaytobreaklooseistorelinquishtheunrealisticexpectationsyoumayhaveofothers:thegovernment,youremployer,your friends and relatives, and your spouse and children.As you do this, youwill be amazedby the results.You’ll not only become a lot happier, youwillgainanincreasedabilitytoloveandrespectothersunconditionally.

Rootouttheweedsofenvy.

Whenyoufindyourselfenvyingwhatothershave,remindyourselfofthreeimportant facts: You don’t know the whole story of the challenges in otherpeople’slives.Everythingapersonownsisleftbehindatdeath.Anddeathcantakeanyoneatanytime.

Youdon’tknowtheirwholestory,howhappyorunhappytheyreallyare,orwhattheyhavesacrificedtoacquirethatwhichyouenvy.Didtheysacrificetheirpersonallives?Makeunethicalorimmoralchoices?Didtheysacrificetimewiththeirfamily?Regardlessofwhattheyhave,remember,whentheydie,theywill leave it all behind. I’m only inmy fifties, yet I’ve already seen some of

thoseIenviedpasson.Theyleftbehindtheirrichesandtheirfamilies.Iwouldratherbebrokeandhavemoretimetoenjoywithmyfamilythanhavebillionsofdollarsanddieprematurely.

Wheneveryoufeelenvy,letyourfeelingsofenvyserveasasignaltoresetyourfocusonthosethingsforwhichyouaregrateful.

Startlivingwisely.

Wisdom is not simply knowledge—knowing the truth about something.It’snotmerelysomethingyoustoreinyourheadlikefactsinanencyclopediaordatabase. Wisdom involves action. Simply stated, wisdom is the effectiveapplicationof truth toyourdailybehavior. InChapter15, Idiscussbuildingalifeuponafoundationofwisdomandlearning.

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1.Which of Solomon’s barriers to happiness are currently keepingyoufrombeingconsistentlyhappy?

___Lookingforhappinessinthewrongplaces___Alackofgratefulness

___Theenvyofothers

___Asenseofentitlement

___Foolishness(trustingsolelyinyourownheartorfeelings)2.Makealistofthethingsinyourlifethatyoushouldbegratefulfor.Startwiththemostobviousandthemostimportant,butdon’tstopthere.Keepaddingtothelistoverthenextfewmonths.Ultimately,you’llhaveanincrediblelistthatyoushouldrevieweveryday.

CHAPTER8

TheFourQualitiesThatMakeYouInvaluable

Donotletkindnessandtruthleaveyou;Bindthemaroundyourneck,Writethemonthetabletofyourheart.Soyouwillfindfavorand

goodreputeinthesightofGodandman.

—PROVERBS3:3–4

Asyouknow,inmyfirstsixyearsaftercollegeIneverheldajobformorethanafewmonths.Usually,mybosseswereveryconsideratewhentheylaidmeoff.Theywouldtellmeallofthethingstheylikedaboutme,andthentellmethatIwasbeinglaidoffduetoavarietyofnonoffensivereasons.Thetruthis,Iwaslaidoffforone,andonlyone,reason:Myemployersdidnotvaluemeasmuchastheyvaluedtheemployeestheykept.Thepeopletheyvaluedthemost, theypromotedandpaidthemost.Thepeopletheyvaluedtheleast,theyultimatelyletgo.Thesame is true inpersonal relationships.Friendsdonotwalkaway fromrelationshipswith friends theyvalue.Menandwomendonot divorce spouseswhomtheycherish.SothequestionbecomesWhatmakesapersonsovaluablethathisemployerwillpromotehimratherthanfirehim?Whatmakesafriendsovaluablethatmanyofherfriendswillconsiderherabestfriend,onetheywouldneverwanttobewithout?Whatmakesaspousesovaluablethattheirmatewillalways adore them? Solomon reveals five qualities that, when developed andnurtured, will make anyone highly valued by others, both personally andprofessionally.

We looked at the first of these qualities in Chapter 2, that of diligence.Truediligencewillmakeapersonthemostvaluedemployeeinanyworkplace.

Thefocusofthischapteristhefourotherqualitiesthatwillmakeyoutrulyvalued in life.Aswithdiligence, noneof thesequalities naturally reside inusfullydeveloped.Rather,theyareseedsthatmustbenurturedtogrow.

KindnessandTruth—Twenty-CaratDiamondsofPricelessWorth

Mywife and I recently attendeda charity event inBeverlyHills.Onewomanwasreportedlywearing$5millionindiamondjewelry.Ahugeyellowdiamondpendanthungaroundherneck,andawhitediamondofsimilarsizewasmountedon a ring. Yet there are two qualities in a person that will far outshine thatwoman’s expensive jewelry. Their value is priceless, yet is nearly alwaysunderestimated.Theirattractiveness isuniversal,yet theyare surprisingly rare.I’mspeakingofthequalitiesoftruthandkindness.Inonesurvey,morethan80percent of all high school seniors admitted that they had recently cheated onexams.Intheworkplace,behaviorisnotmuchdifferent.Fromthefactoryfloortothecorporateboardroom,honestycanbehardtocomeby.Peopleassumethatbecause dishonesty often brings short-term advantages, it does not havesignificantnegativeconsequencesoverthelongterm.Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.AsktheexecutivesofEnron,WorldCom,andTyco.Andthingsdon’t get much better at home. About half of America’s married men haveadmitted cheating on their wives, and more than a third of our wives haveadmittedcheating.

Intoday’sinstant-gratification,me-firstsociety,kindnessseemsmorelikealeftoverthananentrée.Inotherwords,I’lltakecareofmefirst,andifIhaveanytimeormoneyleftover,I’llgivethattoothers.

InProverbs3:3–4,Solomonsays,“Donotletkindnessandtruthleaveyou;Bind them around your neck,Write them on the tablet of your heart.” Like adazzlingpieceofjewelry,truthandkindness,Solomonsays,shouldbesomucha part of our lives that theywould be the first two attributes a person notices

aboutus.Theyshouldseethemfirst,andoften.Whenothersthinkofus,thefirstthoughtthatshouldcometotheirmindisourkindnessandourintegrity.Thesewere thequalities I firstnoticedwhenImetGarySmalley,amanwhowas tobecomeoneofmydearestfriends.Bothofthesequalitiesradiatedfromhiseyes;they were equally obvious in his words and actions. That is the “bind themaroundyourneck”partthatSolomonistalkingabout.

Butthat’sonlythefirsthalfofSolomon’sdirective.Thesecondhalfisto“writethemonthetabletofyourheart.”Inotherwords,makethemthecentralpart ofwhoyou are andwhat you are about. For thirty-oneyears I have seenGary’s kindness and truth expressed toward me and to every member of myfamily. I have seen it expressed to every one of the friends whom I haveintroduced him to.Gary doesn’t have to try to be kind and honest; they havebecomepartofwhoheis.Thesamehasbeentruewithanumberofotherpeoplein my life, including my mentor in business, Bob Marsh, and my spiritualmentors, Herb and Helen Selby. With each of these people, I noticed thesequalitiesfromourfirstencounter,overthirtytofortyyearsearlier.

TheIncalculableBenefitofMakingTruthandKindnessaPartofYourLife

ThroughouttheBookofProverbs,Solomonmakesconditionalpromises:“Ifyoudothis,thenyou’llgetthat.”Thesameistrueoftruthandkindness.Ifwemakethem a vital part of our lives, then we will gain a benefit that no amount ofmoneyonearthcanbuy!HetellsusinProverbs3thatwewillreceivethefavorofmen,women,andGod,andgaingoodstandingwiththem.TheHebrewwordSolomon chose for “favor” translates to “cherished approval and preferentialtreatment.”Inotherwords,youwillbecherishedbyfriends,peers,colleagues,bosses,employees,andfamily.Butthereareotherbenefitsaswell:

Theycreatesecureandtreasuredrelationships.

Knowingthatyoucanrelyonatrustedfriend’swordmakesyoufeelsafeand secure in that relationship. Honesty provides a concrete foundation uponwhich a lasting relationship can be securely built. Kindness creates value andappreciation ina relationship.Apersonwhoroutinelyextendsunexpectedactsofkindnessmakesyouvaluethatrelationshipaboveothers.

Theyprovideencouragementandbuildself-esteem.

When I was fired from my fourth job, Bob Marsh, the executive vicepresidentoftheparentcompany,tookmetolunch.HeaskedwhatIwasgoingtodo, andwhen I toldhim that I had accepted a jobwith a bank inArizona, heaskedifIhadanybusinesssuitsthatwouldbeappropriateforworkingatabank.WhenItoldhimthatIdidnot,hedrovemetoaclothingwarehouseandboughtmetwonewbusinesssuits.AsIwasnearlybroke, thisactofkindnessmadeahugeimpressionuponme.Itmademefeelmorevaluedthandidanyothereventinmybusinesslife.Itraisedmylowself-esteemhigher,andasaresult,Istartedmyjobatthebankwithacompletelydifferentframeofmindaboutmyselfandmyself-worth.

Theyincreasecommitment,loyalty,andmotivation.

Wheneveryou’rekindtosomeone,itraisestheirlevelofcommitmentandloyalty to you. It also motivates them to follow your example by returningkindness,bothtoyouandtoothers.ThreeyearsafterBobMarshgavemethosetwosuits,heinvitedmetostartanewmarketingcompanywithhim.Atthetime,IwasworkingforalargecatalogcompanythatofferedtodoublemysalaryandpromotemetothepositionofvicepresidentofmarketingifIwouldstayon.Somychoicewastostaywithasolidcompanythatwouldpayme$36,000ayear,providemewithacompanycar,andpromotemetoVPofmarketing;orleavethecompany,movemyfamily2,500miles,andbecomeapartnerwithBobinastart-upcompanythatcouldaffordtopaymeonly$10,000ayear.Iknewthatifthe start-up company succeeded, I could make a lot more, but it was a real

gamble.Butthedecisionwasn’tdifficultatall.Thechancetogointobusinesswith the one businessman I admired and valued more than any other was adreamcome true.So I acceptedhis offer.Fortunately, our business succeededbeyondourwildest imagination.Bobhas longsince retired,buthis sonsand Icontinuetoenjoyapartnershipandfriendshipbeyonddescription.Notonlyhasour company prospered; more important, we have enjoyed working togetherevery day for nearly three decades. And it all started with a single act ofkindness.

RoadblockstoKindnessandTruth

Knowingtheincrediblebenefitstoinscribingkindnessandtruthonthetabletofourhearts,whyonearthwouldanyoneputthemasideforself-centerednessanddishonesty? The answer is simple.Our self-centeredness and self-involvementare like a mental and emotional muscle that we have been exercising dailythroughout our lives. It is truly the strongestmusclewe have. Its reflexes arequickandpowerful.Anytimeweareconfrontedbyanysituationthatgivesusachoicebetweenourowninterestsandsimplekindness,ourautomaticresponseisto act in our own accord. Itwill always focusour attentiononwhatweneed,want,anddesire.

Kindness, on the other hand, is a mental and emotional muscle that isexercisedonlywhenwemake a conscious choice to do so. It forces us to setasideourpersonalneedsanddesires longenoughtofocusourattentionon thegenuine needs of others. When we choose to use this muscle, we mustoverpower our reflexive self-centeredness. Every day we face countlessopportunitiestochoosebetweenourownself-interestsandkindness.Althoughitisnotaneasytask,themoreweexercisethismuscleofkindness,thestrongeritbecomes. And the stronger it becomes, the greater a part of our inner core itbecomes. Over time, we will embrace it more naturally with little consciouseffortatall.

Whyisitsoeasytolie?

Whenmostofusthinkofsomeonewhoisdishonest,weusuallythinkofother people and rarely of ourselves. But the fact is, if one includesexaggerations, little white lies, and the conscious omission of relevant facts,most of us are guilty of dishonesty on a regular basis. Why is it so easy toexaggerate, bend the truth, or lie by omission? Because doing so temporarilyputsusinabetterpositionthantellingtheabsolutetruthwould.Thereareonlythree reasons tobedishonest: topromoteourselves, toprotectourselves,or tomanipulatethethoughts,feelings,oractionsofothers.Unfortunately,allthreeofthesereasonsarefalseperceptions.Wethinkwearegoingtobenefitwhenweare dishonest, butwhatever gainwe experience is always short-lived, and theconsequences of being dishonest are long-term and ultimately outweigh thetemporarygaindishonestyprovided.Eachtimewe’redishonest,webecomelesssensitivetoourconscienceinthefuture,andwecreateagreatercapacitytolienext time. Sooner or later, such dishonest behavior becomes our normal dailyexperience.Itbecomespartofwhoweareandhowweinteractwiththeworld.Moreover,forthemostpartothersseerightthroughus,whethertheyarticulatethat awareness or not.Dishonesty has destroyed lives,marriages, Fortune 500companies,andevengovernments.

In my opinion, dishonesty comes in two forms: distorting the truth andhiding the truth.The first is obvious; the secondmaynot be.ThinkofArthurAnderson. If any firm should be honest and truthful in the corporateworld, itshouldbetheaccountantsandtheauditorsofthebusinesscommunity.Theyarechargedwiththeresponsibilityofanalyzingandaccuratelyreportingthecurrentfinancial conditions of a company to the public. Yet in the case of ArthurAnderson,theyconspiredwithEnronexecutivestomisrepresentthefacts.Doingso allowed Enron’s executives to continue their deceptive practices until thecorporation collapsed, destroying the savings of thousands of employees andcountless shareholders. One Enron executive committed suicide; others have

been sentenced to prison.Anderson’s reputation and businesswere destroyed;28,000Andersonemployeeslosttheirjobs.Andthisisjusttheobviousdamage.Corporate America will be forever suspect by the public, viewed asorganizations run by greedy executives who will do whatever it takes to linetheirpockets,regardlessofthecosttothepublic.

Butdishonestyneverstartsinacorporateboardroom.Itstartsintheheartsandmindsofindividualmenandwomen.Bymakinghonestythecornerstoneofyourpersonality,youcanavoidsuchconsequences.

TheUltimateConsequencesofDishonestyThatWeMayNotSeeUntilIt’sTooLate

Dishonestyproducesnever-endingstress.

Why? Deep down inside, you carry a hidden fear that one day yourdishonestywillbeexposed.Youalsoknowyouhavetokeepyourstorystraight.Dishonesty forces you to always think about your past lies so youwon’t sayanything contradictory that exposes those lies. All of this creates stress, andwe’ve already seen that stress not only robs us of any potential for joy, itultimatelystealsourhealthaswell.

Dishonestyultimatelycreatesunexpectedcrashes.

Everyyear, there are anumberof trainwrecks, dozensofplane crashes,andmillions of car accidents.And yet no one ever boards a train or plane orsteps into a car thinking they’re about to be in a traumatic or fatal crash.Likewise,nooneevertellsalieorhidesthetruththinkingthatdoingsoisgoingto destroy the very life they are trying to enjoy; but it does. Sooner or later,nearly all dishonesty is discovered by others, and when it is, a crash alwaysresults.

Generosity—TheQualityThatReceivesMoreThanItGives

Onemangivesfreely,yetgainsevenmore;anotherwithholdsunduly,butcomestopoverty.Agenerousmanwillprosper;hewhorefreshesotherswillhimselfberefreshed.—Proverbs11:24–25

Generosityisoneofthemostadmiredattributesanypersoncanexhibit.Whethera child donates his hard-earned allowance to a disaster-relief effort or abusinessman donates millions of dollars to charity, we feel appreciation andadmiration for thosewhoaregenerous.Butadmirationandappreciationaren’tthe only benefits of generosity. In addition to the heartfelt joy experiencedwheneveryouhelpmeettheneedsofothers,Solomonpromisesthatthosewhoaregenerouswillnever lackforanything—every trueneedwillbeprovided—andthatyouwillprosper,andyourprosperitywillalwaysincrease.InProverbs11:24–25, he tells us that thosewho give generously to otherswill gain backevenmorethantheygive.Soundimpossible?

Psychologists tellus that the twogreatestmotivatingforces inaperson’slife are their desire for gain and their fear of loss. Solomon assures us thatgenerosity directly impacts both. If you couldwave amagicwand thatwouldguarantee you would never lack for yourmaterial needs, and that you wouldexperienceanever-increasingprosperity,howmuchwouldthatwandbeworth?Solomon puts that wand in your hand; all you have to do is to become trulygenerous.

What does Solomonmeanwhen he talks about generosity?Collectively,thewords he chooses imply that a generous person is onewho freely gives asignificantportionofwhathehastomeettheneedsofothers,andthathedoessowithnoexpectationofreceivinganythinginreturn.Althoughhe’sspeakingprimarilyofbeinggenerousfinanciallyandmaterially,generosityisn’tlimitedtothat.Beinggenerousmeansbeingfocusedonmeetingthegenuineneedsofotherpeople,whetherwithmoney,deeds,oremotionalsupportorassistance.

A lot of people think that you have to be rich to be generous. Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.OneofthemostgenerouspeopleIhaveknownwasa janitor Iworkedwith incollege.He scrubbed toilets fivenights aweekand took care of his bedridden wife during the day. He was generous witheverything he had: his time, his kind words, his thoughtfulness, and hisconsiderate acts. I once askedhim if therewas anythinghe needed. “Heavensno,” he replied. “Everything I have ever needed has always been abundantlyprovided.”Tothisday,Ihavenevermetahappierman.AsSolomonpromised,heneverlackedanything;andjustasherefreshedothers,hewasrefreshed.

Andthosewhoarenotgenerous?Solomonsaystheywillfallintopoverty.Notnecessarilyfinancialormaterialpoverty,butpovertyof thesoul.Theyareneversatisfiedwithwhatevertheyhaveandconstantlyneedmore.Theybecomeemotionallybankrupt.Generositystartsintheheart.Italwaystakesaction,anditisneverpassive.

Graciousness—TheAttributeThatRaisesYouUpintheSightofOthers

Agraciouswomanattainshonor.—Proverbs11:16

AccordingtoSolomon,theonequalitythatwillbringyouglory,honor,andanattractiveness that is best described by the word “splendor” is that ofgraciousness.WhatdoesSolomonmeanby theword“gracious”?TheHebrewword Solomon used incorporates kindness, patience, tactfulness, elegance,appreciation,andfavor.Itmeansextendingthesequalitiestoothersbeyondwhatisexpectedordeserved.

Although Solomon uses this word in referring to women, that may bebecauseinhiseyesthesequalitiesseemtobemorenaturallyinherentinwomenthanmen.Thefactis,however,theyarerareinbothsexes.Ispendalotoftimein airports, and when flights are delayed (as they often are) I am constantly

surprisedbytheimpatient,rude,andsometimescrassbehaviorthatseemstobecommonplacetoday.

Thegoodnewsisthatgraciousnessisnotapersonalitytype;it’sachoiceanyone can make. And the first step to becoming gracious is to choose tobecome grateful. Solomonwould have us be grateful for everythingwe have,everydayofourlife.Whenweareconstantlyawarethateveryimportantthingwehaveisagift,itispossibletobegracioustoothers.Beinggenuinelygratefulcreates within us a gracious spirit: The choice of being patient when you’refeeling impatient.The choice to extendkindnesswhenyou are angry and feellike giving somebodywhat they “deserve.”The choice to tactfully and gentlycorrect someone instead of criticizing him. The choice to extend appreciationevenwhenyoudon’tfeellikeit.Truegraciousnessdoesallofthiswithoutanyexpectation of receiving anything in return. As you develop a heart ofgraciousness,andextendthatgraciousnesstoothersinyourdailylife,youwillreceivethehonorthatSolomonpromisesandallthatitbringswithit.

KnowledgetoWisdom

MAKINGSOLOMON’SFOURQUALITIESAPARTOFYOURLIFE

1. Whom do you personally know who is a living example ofSolomon’sfourqualities?Nameatleasttwopeopleforeachquality.

Impeccablehonesty______________________

Kindness____________________

Generosity___________________

Graciousness_____________________________

2. Think back over the past several days. Write down specificexamples of when you exaggerated, told a white lie, omitted animportantfact,ortoldanoutrightlie.

3.Foreachof theexamples innumber2above,writeoutwhyyoudidso.Didyouseeanysignificantgainfromthelie?Wouldanythingsignificanthavebeenlosthadyousimplynotexaggeratedorlied?

4. What can you do differently tomorrow to break the habit ofexaggerating,stretchingthetruth,andsoon?

5.Describeanysituationsorencounterswithothersthispastweekinwhich you could have extended more kindness, generosity, orgraciousness.

6.Describeanysituationsorencountersthispastweekinwhichyouwere able to extend kindness, generosity, or graciousness withoutexpectinganythinginreturn.

CHAPTER9

WinningandResolvingEveryConflict

Abrotheroffendedishardertobewonthanastrongcity:andtheircontentions

arelikethebarsofacastle.

—PROVERBS18:19

ConflictandAdversityAreanUnavoidablePartofLife

Like it or not, conflict and adversity are as much a part of life as eating,drinking,andbreathing.ButaccordingtoSolomon,conflictandadversityservevery importantpurposes inour lives thatare rarelyaccomplishedbyanyothermeans.Ifyoudealwiththemcorrectly,theywillproducepositiveoutcomesandstrengthen your relationships at work and at home. If you don’t handle themcorrectly, they will produce negative outcomes and harm your potential forhappiness and success. Trying to weather adversity or conflict withoutSolomon’sstrategiesisliketryingtorideabicyclefromFloridatoMaineduringthe height of hurricane season.Youmight be able to do it, but notwithout agreatdealof stressanddanger.Andyour likelihoodof failure ismuchgreaterthanyourlikelihoodofsuccess.

Whowinsandwholosesinadversityandconflict?

WhenHenryFordfoughtwiththedirectorsoftheDetroitAutomobileCompanyoverwhichdirectionthecompanyshouldtake(producingexpensivecarsfortheprovenmarketoftheaffluentorproducinginexpensivecarsforthenonexistentmarketofthemasses),helost thefight.Hewasultimatelyfired.Thecompanyfailed shortly thereafter, and its investors lost their investments. Henry FordwentontocreatetheFordMotorCompany,becomingoneoftherichestmenintheworld,andhis investors in thatventuresawreturnsontheir investmentsofmorethan$3,000foreverydollartheyinvested.Sowhowastherealwinnerof

theconflictatDetroitAutomobileCompany?HenryFordofficiallylost,andthedirectorsandinvestorsseeminglywon.Yetinrealitytheoppositewastrue.

WaltDisney’sfirstanimationcompanywasguttedandallbutdestroyedbyanunscrupulousdistributorwho tookDisney’smost popular cartoon character(Oswald the LuckyRabbit) and hired all but one of his animators away fromhim.Disneywas devastated. The distributor thought it hadwon big-time.Butthatcompany laterwentbankrupt,whileWaltDisneycreatedanentertainmentempire.

Thefactisthatovertimetherealwinnersofaconflictarenotnecessarilythose who seem to be the initial winners. Similarly, adversitymay ultimatelyspawnnot justchallengesbutopportunities.EachtimeIwasfiredfromoneoftheninejobsIheldaftercollege,Iwasdevastated.AndyethadInotlostthosejobs,Iwouldhaveneverexperiencedtheunimaginablesuccess thatcamewiththe tenth.Theproblemforallofus is thatwecannotsee into the future.Asaresult, we make our judgments about adverse situations and conflicts before,during,andimmediatelyafterthefact.Consequently,ourjudgmentsmayleadustothewrongconclusions.Solomonteachesusthatwhenweseethetruepurposeof conflict and adversity, we can seize the opportunity they present and canultimatelybethewinnerineventhemostheartbreakingcircumstances.

There are two kinds of conflict and adversity. The first is conflict andadversity thatwe create or contribute to. The second is conflict and adversitythatiscreatedbyothersorbycircumstancesoutsideofourinfluenceorcontrol.Let’slookfirstatconflictandadversitythatiscreatedoutsideofourinfluenceorcontrol.

Mygrandfatherwasaminingengineerintheearly1900s.WhenIwasinthe first grade,my father came home from a visit with his sister in aminingcommunity inArizona.WheneverDadcamehomefroma trip,hebroughtmysisterandmealittlesurprise.Onthisoccasion,hepulledalittlebagoutofhis

suitcase and poured out a handful of ugly rocks onto our kitchen table. Iwastremendouslydisappointed.Theydidn’tlookanydifferentfromthestonesinourbackyard.Thenhe toldmewhat eachonecontained. “Thisonehasgold in it,this one has silver, and this one has copper,” he said. I asked him why theyweren’t shiny, andwhy I couldn’t see the gold, silver, or copper.He replied,“They haven’t been through the fire yet.” He explained that they had to beplacedinaveryhotfire,hotterthanIhadeverseen;onlythefirecouldseparatethebeautifulmetalsfromtherockaroundit.

According to Solomon, there is an extraordinary purpose to the type ofadversityor conflict that comes intoour lives that isbeyondour control.Thatpurposeistomeltawaytheoutercrustofcommonrockthatsurroundsoursoulsand hearts and produce, refine, and reveal the character within. Exceptionalattributesemergethatcannotbedevelopedbyanyothermeans.Liketherefiningprocess of gold or silver, the result of this is that we becomemuch strongeremotionally,psychologically,andspiritually.Rockscontainingminutequantitiesof gold are worth a few dollars per ton. Refined gold is worth hundreds ofdollars per ounce. Similarly, conflict and adversity are the smelting processesthat can create or refine our true character and all the powerful attributes thatattend such character: patience, compassion, kindness, courage, faith,perseverance, loyalty, integrity, and love. So rather than being angered,discouraged,orresentfulofadversityandconflict,weshouldembracethemforthe benefits and opportunities they provide. Forwithout the fires of adversityandconflict,thereisnorefiningprocessforourcharacterorheart.

Soeachtimeweencounteradversity,wehaveachoicetomake.Eitherwecan give in to it and become discouraged and angry, orwe can choose to bepatientand look to the long-termbenefits thatmayresult.Whetherwemakeaconsciouschoiceorchoosebydefault,thechoiceisoursnonetheless.Choosingthefirstpathwillmakeusbitterandguaranteeoursenseof loss;choosing thelatterwillmakeusbetterandstronger.

However, most of the conflict and much of the adversity that weexperience isadirect resultofouractions.During the last twentyyearsofmyfather’slife,hehadheartsurgerythreetimes.Attheageofseventy-nine,afteraseven-monthbattlewithlungcancer,hedied.Hisheartsurgeriesandhiscancerproducedtremendoussufferingforhimandforme.Buthisheartdiseaseandhiscancerwerefueledbyhislifelonghabitofsmoking.

WhenIwasfiredfrommythirdjob,mydisloyaltytomybosswasamajorfactor. Andmost of the arguments I have had with others, I either started orfueled.

ConflictMakesaDullBladeSharp

In Proverbs 27:17, Solomon says, “Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpensanother.”Itishardtocutwithadullknife.Itmustbesharp.Untilrecently,thebestway tosharpenaknifewas to rub itagainstawhetstone—akindof flint.Doing so created friction and sparks, but as a result, the knifewas sharpened.Solomontellsusthatourcharactersaresharpenedinthesameway—throughourclose and even friction-filled interaction with others. In business, it is notuncommonforargumentstoresultinthediscoveryofanunexpectedcourseofaction that creates a breakthrough for the business.Gary Smalley teaches thatconflictisthegatewaytothedeepestlevelsofcommunicationandintimacyinamarriage or relationship. People who run away from conflict and avoidconfrontationatallcostscanunintentionallydomoreharmintheirrelationshipsthangood.Amarriagewithout conflict andconfrontationwill never achieveadeeplevelofintimacy.Conflictshouldbeseennotasadreadedenemy,butasanecessarytoolforoptimumachievementinanywalkoflife.

RedefiningOurConceptofWinning

Ournotionsofwinninganargumentareoftensimplytogettheotherpersontoagree with us and to get them to do what we want. By this definition, the

directorsofDetroitAutomobilewonwhentheyprevailedoverHenryFord.Butin reality, both sides lost. To trulywin in any situation is to achieve the bestpossible outcome. Usually, that’s what both parties really want, but theirjudgmentmay be clouded by their ownbiases, their desire to prevail, or theirfailure to see thewhole picture. They arguewithout a full grasp of all of thefacts,orstrictlyfromtheirownself-centeredpointofview.Ontheotherhand,when Ford convinced the investors in the Ford Motor Company to back hisvisionofaffordableautomobilesforthemasses,hewon,hisinvestorswon,andmillionsofpeoplethroughouttheworldwon.Later,hepersuadedeveryonethatFordMotorCompanyshouldcontinuetoofferconsumersonlyonecolor(black)whileothermanufactureswereofferingawidechoiceofcolors.Eventhoughhewon the argument, he and everyone else lost. The company nearly wentbankrupt.Using Solomon’s communication strategies fromChapter 5, and hisinstructions on handling conflict that we’ll look at next, we can gain a betterperspective for any argument and better help all parties involved to seemoreclearly and pursue the best possible outcomes.Winning becomes no longer amatterofgetting“myway,”orpersuadingsomeonetodowhatIwantthemtodo;rather,itbecomesawayofachievingwhat’sbestforall.

Conflictcanbebeneficialordetrimental,dependingonhowweengageinit.

Whenever we engage in an argument, whether we initiate it or arerespondingtothepersonwhodid,ournaturalinclinationistodefendourselvesandourpointofview,andtoattackorcounterattacktheotherpersonandtheirpointofview.Inmostcases,wehavenoothergoalthanthat.Wealsohavenorulesofengagement.Wesaywhatevercomestomindatthemomentitcomestoourmind.Weshootfromthehipandusuallyinflictmorewoundsthanareeithernecessaryorbeneficial.Andwereceivemorewounds in return.Consequently,ourrelationshipistemporarilyorpermanentlydamaged.Solomonsaysthatthisis foolishness. Regardless of what draws us into an argument, as soon as we

realizewhat ishappeningweshould takecontrolofourwordsandchangeourfocus. Instead of simply defending or attacking, we should shift our focus toachieving the best possible outcome for both parties. In the “Knowledge toWisdom”sectionattheendofthischapter,GarySmalleyprovidesalistofdosanddon’tsforarguingandresolvingconflictthatwillenableustodojustthat.

TheCausesofHurtfulConflict

Solomon tells us that there are five causes of detrimental and destructiveconflict.Wheneverwe consider engaging someone in an argument,we shouldaskourselvesifanyofthesecausesarethebasisofourconflict:

1.Pride.Proverbs13:10states,“Onlybypridecomescontention.Butwiththewelladvisedthereiswisdom.”Aswe’lldiscoverinChapter14,ournaturalarrogance or pride is the instigator of more of our problems than any othersource.Solomonclaims that it is thenumber-onesourceofconflict.Sobeforeyou engage in conflict, ask yourself if your primary motive for pursing anargumentorconflictissimplytosustainorbuildyourego,ordefenditwhenit’sbeenattacked.Ifitis,that’snotavalidreasontostartafightorbedrawnintoaconflict.Solomon’ssuggestion?Seekadvicefromoutsidecounselbeforebeingdrawnintoaconflict.Heimpliesthatthewisdomgainedfromsuchcounselwillusually allow you to refrain from engaging in a conflict driven by pride. I’veseenhusbandsandwivesattackeachotherovernothing,anddothesamewiththeir children. Here again, Solomon simply says don’t do it. Save yourargumentsandconflictsforrealissues,wheregenuineharmhasbeendoneorisgoing tobedone,andaconflict is theonlyway to resolveorstop it.Contendwith someoneonlywhenyouhave a real reasonor cause todo so, notoutofpettypride.

2. Anger. As Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs updissension,butapatientmancalmsaquarrel.”Argumentsareoftenstartednotbecausethey’renecessary,butbecauseonepartyisangry.Andmoretimesthan

not, this anger has nothing to do with the argument. If you are the personharboring anger, grapple with the issues that are fueling your anger before itdestroys important relationships inyour life. If theotherpersoncarriesaroundunresolvedanger,avoidbeingdrawnintoaconflictwithhimorher,even if itmeans limiting the amountof timeyou spendwith them. InChapter11,we’lllookatSolomon’sprescriptionsfordealingwithangerinourlivesandthelivesofothers.

3. Harsh words. Proverbs 15:1 says, “Soft words turn away wrath, butgrievouswordsstirupanger.”All it takes tostartor fuelaconflict isasingleharsh statement or a few hurtful words. Inmost relationships, we knowwhatbuttonstopushtostartafight,andweknowthewordsandstatementsthatwillpush those buttons. Pushing those buttons is not a validmotive ormeans forstarting a fight. Solomon suggests that we take control of ourmouth and usekindandgentlewordstoreducetension,ratherthanharshwordstostiritup.

4. Impulsive reaction. In Proverbs 25:8, Solomon says, “Do not go outhastily to strive, lest you know not what to do in the end thereof.” Mostarguments are started impulsively; few are carefully thought out beforehand.Solomon warns that an argument or conflict started on impulse has a muchgreater likelihood of hurting you in the end, rather than helping you. Hisprescription?Don’tdoit.Stopandthinkaboutalternativecoursesofaction.

5. Meddling in other people’s conflicts. Proverbs 26:17 says, “He thatpassesbyandmeddleswithstrifebelongingnottohimislikesomeonewholiftsupadogbytheears.”It’sonlynaturaltotrytohelpothersintheirconflicts.Butasnaturalasthatis,Solomonsaysthatbydoingso,youwillbetheonewhogetsbitten. Taking one person’s side against another without knowing all of theissues is a recipe for disaster.One ofmy best friendswas deeply hurt by theactionsofoneofhisadultsons.WhenIheardaboutit,Iwantedtojumponthephoneandstraightenhissonout.ButIwaswiselywarnedbyoneofourmutual

friendstostayoutofitunlessIwasaskedtointervenebyeitherthesonorthefather.SoIdidstayoutofit.Afewmonthslater,thesonrealizedhiserrorandsought his father’s forgiveness. Today their relationship is stronger than ever.HadIsteppedintotheirconflict,itmayhaveharmedmyrelationshipwithoneorboth of them in a way that may have lingered long after their conflict wasresolved.Evenwhenyouareaskedtointerveneinsomeoneelse’sconflict,dosoonlyafteragreatdealofconsiderationandcounsel.Neverbeafraidtodecline,andtoletthefeudingpartiesknowthatitisreallynoneofyourbusiness.Moreoftenthannot,thisistherightcourseofaction.

Solomon’sStepsforWinninginConflictandOvercomingAdversity

Armedwith our revised concept ofwhat itmeans towin (to achieve the bestpossibleoutcome),wearenowreadytoconsiderSolomon’sadviceforwinningconflictsandovercominganyadversesituations.

Solomon gives eight insights for engaging in conflicts and for achievingthebestpossibleoutcome.

1. Understand the potential consequences of the conflict. In Proverbs18:19,Solomontellsusthatabrotheroffendedishardertobewonthanastrongcity. He wants us to realize the consequences of engaging in an argument orconflict—they may be much worse than we’re ready for. Winning back aperson’s friendship, trust, or commitment may be next to impossible; thecontentionmay create an insurmountable barrier. This does notmean thatweshould avoid valid confrontation, only that we should carefully consider thepotentialconsequencesasapartofourdecisionmaking.

2.Keepasyourgoal“achievingthebestpossibleoutcomeforallpartiesinvolved.”Rememberthatthetruepurposeofconflict istomakethingsbetter,notworse.Ourgoalistogainthebestpossibleoutcomenotonlyforusbutfor

allwhoareinvolved.

3. Seek counsel before engaging in a conflict. In Proverbs 20:18,Solomon tells us that “everypurpose is establishedby counsel.”Knowingourpurposeinconflictistogainthebestpossibleoutcome,hetellsusthatthebestwaytoachievethatpurposeistofirstseekgoodobjectiveadvicefromthosenotengagedintheconflict.

4.Donotanswerafool in themannerheattacks.Manyargumentsandconflicts are immature atbest and foolishatworst.Solomonadvisesusnot tocomedowntothelevelofourattackers.Ifsomeonecallsusnamesorattacksourcharacter, don’t respondby calling the other personnames and attacking theircharacter. Solomon tells us, “Donot answer a fool according to his folly, lestyoualsobelikehim.”Hegoeson:“Answerafoolashisfollydeserves.”Attackandexposehisargument,anddonotattackhimpersonally.Ifheisnotreceptiveto your input, then just walk away. Let him suffer the consequences of hisfoolishness.

5. Don’t reveal confidential information. When we are engaged in anargumentorconflict,itisnaturaltocitetheopinions,feelings,andstatementsofothers to strengthen our case. Often, these have been shared with us inconfidence;revealingthemduringanargumentisaviolationofthatconfidence.ItisinthiscontextthatSolomonwarnsusinProverbs25:9–10:“Donotrevealthesecretofanother,lesthewhohearsitreproachyou,andtheevilreportaboutyou not pass away.” Violating the confidence of another in the course of anargumentwilldolong-termdamagetoyourreputationandrelationshipsthatyouwillultimatelyregret.

6. Never prolong an argument.When we do engage in an argument,everyonewants toget the lastword in,makingone lastpointor throwingonelastjab.Solomonurgesustoresistthisnaturalinclination.InProverbs15:1,hetellsusthat“softanswersturnawaywrath,butgrievouswordsstirupanger.”By

introducingasofttoneofvoice,kindwords,andconstructivestatements,wecanquicklyde-escalatetensionandconflict.InProverbs26:20,we’retold,“Wherenowood is, there the fire goes out: sowhere there is no talebearer, the strifeceases.”Themoreyoufuelanargument,thebiggeritgetsandthemorehurtfulitwillbe.Sostopgossipingandstopaddingfueltothefire.

7.Giveanunexpectedgift.SolomontellsusinProverbs21:14,“Agiftinsecretpacifiesanger:anda reward in thebosom,strongwrath.”Since readingthis Proverb, I have used this tactic dozens of times, and it hasworked everytime.Onetime,oneofmyformerpartnersdidsomethingsoupsettingtomethatIwasreadytoendourfriendship.Ithought,“Thisisthefinalstraw,Idon’twantto have anythingmore to dowith him.” The next day, when I came intomyoffice,thereonmydeskwasanincrediblegiftwrappedwithabigredbow.Acardwasattached to it that read simply, “I amsooooooo sorry.Please forgiveme.”Inamoment,allmyangervanishedandwewerebudsonceagain.Suchagesturedoesn’talwaysrequireabiggift.Allittakesisanunexpectedgift,givenwith an apology. The gift can be as simple as a short note expressingappreciationoranapology.

8.Bequick to forgive.Solomon tellsus,“Hatredstirsupstrife,but lovecovers all transgressions.”Anytime someone hurts us, it gives us awonderfulopportunity to respond with forgiveness, to be kind and loving. There is noattribute that ismore gracious or praiseworthy than that of forgiveness.But itcan be exercised onlywhenwe have been unjustly offended. That iswhyweshouldbetrulygrateful,evenforthosepeoplewhohavehurtusthemost.Thegreater the hurt, the better the opportunity for forgiveness. The greater ourforgiveness,themoreuprightandgenerousourcharacterbecomes.

DealingwithAdversity

Solomongivesusanumberofinsightsthatwecanusewhenwefindourselvesinadversecircumstances,regardlessoftheirsourceoritsdegreeofdifficulty:

Realizethatadversityisavaluablepartoflife.Adversityprovidesuswiththe opportunity to develop our character in a natural, recurring, and powerfulwaythatonlythechallengesofadversityoffer.AccordingtoProverbs17:3,onlyadversityrefinesandrevealsthegoldandsilverofourcharacter.Nobodylikesgoing through adversity at the time we are going through it. Without goingthrough it, our character “muscles” would never reach their full potentialstrengthandpower.

Untilmyfatherdied,Idonotrememberfeelingagenuinecompassionforsomeonewholostaparent.Whenhedied,IexperiencedsorrowlikeIhadneverknown.ImissedhimathousandtimesmorethanIthoughtIwould.Forthefirsttime, I realized what other people were going through when they lost theirmothers or fathers. Before, I’d just give them a pat on the back and a fewsuperficialwordsofcomfort.NowIcangenuinely sympathizewithwhat theyaregoingthrough,andIcanhelpthemsomuchmore.

Acceptresponsibilityforyourcontributiontothesituation.Alotoftimesadversity comesourway as a direct or indirect result of our own actions.Wemake a bad choice or a bad decision, or we simply fail to do something weshould have done. When I made bad investment decisions, I had to acceptresponsibility for my greed and my naive choices. Yes, several men hadmisrepresentedtheopportunitiestome,butthefactis,Iamtheonewhomadethe decisions. And I experienced the very consequences that Solomon hadcautioned his readers about. Anytime you make a contribution to your ownadversity,youneedtoacceptresponsibilityforit.Don’tsimplyblamesomeoneorsomethingelse.

Nonetheless, throughout our lives we will experience a great deal ofadversity that is not a result of our actions. In those cases, it is criticallyimportantthatwedonotassignfaulttoourselvesorthosewhohadnothingtodowithit.Whenafriendofminelosthisdaughtertoleukemia,heconfidedtome

that he felt Godwas punishing him for his past sins. In other words, hewasblaminghimself.Solomonbelievedthatadversitysometimeshasapurposethatwe cannot knowor understand.As tempting as itmaybe, to try to figure outsuchamysteryisnotonlyanexerciseinfutility,itisfoolish.

Closely examine the adversity you encounter to learn from it. Ourneighbor’sfifteen-year-olddaughterlostherlifeinthetsunamithathitThailandonDecember26,2004.Althoughhewillneverknowthepurposeofthatevent,hedidgainaninfinitelygreaterrealizationofthetemporarynatureoflife.Asaresult,hemadethedecisiontomaketheabsolutemostofeveryremainingdayofhislife.BecauseoftheloveandkindnesshewasshownbyThaivillagerswhohadalsolostfamilymembers,heismoreactivelyhelpingthehelplesshimself.When Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast, he instantly and effectivelycampaignedforhelpfromourcommunity.

Seekinsightsfromotherpeople.Alotoftimes,adversityblindsidesus.Sowhatdoyoudo?ThisisexactlythekindofsituationinwhichSolomonwouldadviseus toseekoutsidecounsel.Go toothersandgather their insights.Whatwentwrong?Whydidn’t I see it coming?Was Iblind?Was I callous?Was Inaive?Otherscansometimesseewhatwecannotbecauseofourclosenesstothesituation.

TheBestWaytoNavigateThroughAdversity

Whenever we encounter adversity, our natural inclination is to panic, cower,surrender,orretreat.Solomontellsusthatthereisabetterway,namely,faceithead-on. InProverbs28:1,he tellsus,“Thewickedfleewhennomanpursueshim, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.” In other words, when adversitycomes,thisisnotimefortimidity.AsSolomonsays,“Ifyoufaintinthedayofadversity,yourstrengthissmall.”Forthosewhodon’tfaint,andinsteadhanginthere,theirstrengthofcharacterwillgrow.Perseveranceiscriticaltoachievingextraordinary success and fulfillment. But it cannot be developed without

adversity.Solomontellsusthat“ajustmanfallsseventimesandrisesupagain.”Each timewegetupaftera fall,weareexercisingperseverance,aqualityandstrengththatwillthenserveuswellthroughoutourlives.

TheBenefitsofAdversity

Inconclusion,therearetwobenefitswereceivefromadversitythatcannotbe acquired through anyothermeans.First, youdevelopqualities of patience,strength,courage,compassion,kindness, love,humility,andfaith.Second,youbecomeinfinitelymorevaluable tootherswhen theyexperienceadversity.Thepeople best equipped to help others through adversity are those who havealreadygonethroughit.

KnowledgetoWisdom

GARYSMALLEY’SRULESOFENGAGEMENT:THEDOSANDDON’TSOFCONSTRUCTIVECONFLICT

CONFLICTDON’TS

Don’t bury the problem or the pain it’s causing you. Don’tthink that the answer to any conflict is to avoid it, or to bury theproblemwithdenial.Ifyoudo,thathurtwillgrowlikeanuntreatedinfectionandcreateevengreaterproblemsinthefuture.

Don’t let a confrontation degenerate into an attack on theother person’s character. Stay focused upon the problem. Don’tdiluteyour argumentby focusingon theotherperson’sweaknessesorcharacter.

Don’tuseinflammatoryremarks,sarcasms,orname-calling.Don’t generalizeor exaggerate.Whenyouuse anyof these in anargument, itcompletelychanges the focusof theargument,causingtheotherpersontodefendhim-orherself,ormakeexcuses,drawingtheirattentionawayfromtherealissue.Itwillalsomakethemdeaftoanythingelseyousay.

Don’tenteraconflictwithcondescensionortheattitudeofaknow-it-all.Toachievethebestpossibleoutcome,enteranyconflictwith the spirit of a learner—one who also has weaknesses andproblems. This can be especially hard for bosses, spouses, andparentstodo,butit’samusttotreattheotherpersonwiththesamerespectyouwouldexpectordesireofthem.

Don’tlettheconflictbroadentootherissues.Regardlessofthetemptation tobringupother issues,keepyourargument focusedon

theissuecausingtheconflict.

Neveruseultimatumsorthreats.Whenyouuseultimatumsorthreats, you are backing the other person into a corner. That mayforce a destructive counterattack on their part. It also changes thefocus from the issue at hand and instead makes the threat orultimatumthefocus.

Don’t use disrespectful body language or demeaningnonverbal communication. Rolling your eyes, shaking your head,slappingyourforehead,orusingthatpopularretort“Duuuhh”isbothrudeanddemeaning.

Don’tinterrupt.Letthepersonsaywhatheorshewantstosay.Letthemgetitallout.Stayfocusedonwhatthey’resaying.Nodtoshowyourattention.Showpatience.Controlyour tongue.Thiswillshow that you value the other person, and because you’ve listenedcarefullytotheirconcerns,itwillmakethemmuchmorereceptivetoyourgenuineconcernsandthoughts.

Don’t raise your voice. Remember that soft words turn awayangerbutharshwordsstiritup.Keepyourtoneofvoicerespectful.

Neverwalkaway,orwithdraw,orhangupthetelephone inthe middle of a confrontation. Remember, the best way to getanotherpersontoreallyhearwhatyou’resayingistoshowhonorandrespect during the communication.Withdrawing, walking away, orhangingupontheotherpersonshowstheopposite.Theonlytimeit’sappropriate tohanguporwalkaway is if theotherpersonstarts tobecomeverballyoremotionallyabusive.

CONFLICTDOS

Takea time-out toregainyouremotionalcontrol.Waituntilyouarecalmbeforeyouengageinaconfrontation.

Preparefortheconfrontationbeforeyouengageinit.Ratherthanactinghastilyandshootingfromthehip,taketimetodetermineyour specific goal for the confrontation. Do you simply want toresolveacurrentproblem?Doyouwanttostopabehaviorpattern,ordoyouwanttoattempttoreplaceadestructivebehaviorpatternwitha more constructive one? Do you want to correct, encourage, orpunish?Youshouldwanttheconfrontationtoaccomplishaspecificgoal, not just to inflamean alreadybad situation.Writedownyourgoaliftimepermits.Determinehowtobegintheconfrontationintheleastinflammatoryway.

If your intent is togive criticism,use the sandwichmethod.Deliver your slice of criticism sandwiched between two slices ofpraise. Start by stating a positive attribute about the person, thendeliverthecriticism,thenendwithmorepositivestatements.

Useasmanyencouragingandpositivestatementsasyoucaninthecontextsurroundingthe issueyou’re tryingtoaddressorresolve.Yourgoalisnottoteardowntheotherperson,butrathertoconstructivelyaddressandresolveaproblem.Addingencouragementandpraisetoyourargumenthelpsthemtoknowthatyourgoalistohelp rather than to hurt. It makes it easier for them to listen,understand,andrespondinapositiveway.

Bewillingtoofferandacceptaprogressiveresolutionoftheproblem or issue. In other words, don’t expect the problem to beresolvedinstantly.Bewillingtoworkatitwithaperson.Realizethattimeisoftenthemostimportantingredientforlastingchange.

Ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve theproblem. This not only shows humility on your part, it shows asincere willingness to take responsibility for any contribution youractions have made to the problem. It also shows that you want toattacktheproblemasateam,ratherthanastwoadversaries.

If thepersonattacks you,don’t retaliate. Instead,when theyattack,urgethemtotellyoueverything.Askthem,“WhatelsedoIdo that offends you?”Assure them that you, too, haveweaknessesthatyouneedtoworkon.Thiswillprovethatyourrealdesireis toachievethebestpossibleoutcome.

When possible, reassure the person of your ongoingcommitmenttothemandyourdesiretostrengthenandbuildtherelationship.Let themknow thatyourcommitment to themand toyour relationship is the reason youwant to address this conflict orproblem.

CHAPTER10

TurningYourWorstEnemyintoYourBestFriend

Hethatrefusesinstructionhateshimself:buthewholistenstoreproofacquiresunderstanding.

—PROVERBS15:32

At that PBS television appearance I mentioned earlier, I asked the studioaudience,“Howmanyofyoulikebeingcriticized?”Notonehandwasraised.Ithenasked,“Howmanyofyouhatebeingcriticized?”This time,nearlyeveryperson in the studio raised a hand. Finally I asked, “How many of you canrememberacriticismyoureceivedinyourchildhoodfromaparent,ateacher,afriend, or someone else that really hurt you?” Almost instantly, nearly everypersonraisedahandagain.Evenaudiencemembersintheirlateseventiescouldrecall hurtful criticisms from their youth.That’s how terribly painful criticismcanbe.Mostpeopletodayhatecriticismandtreatitasadreadedenemy.Theydo everything they can to avoid it, andwhen it comes, theydefend against it,rationalizeit,runawayfromit,orattackthecritic.

Likeeveryoneelse,I,too,usedtohatecriticism.Andyetitseemedthatmylifewasfullofit.Itcamefromanyoneandeveryone:myfriends,mybosses,andevenmywife.Itriedtodealwithitinallofthenormalways:ignoreit,runawayfromit,denyit,defend,argue,makeexcuses,and,moreoftenthannot,shifttheblametowardsomeoneelseorattackthecritic.

BetterThanSecretLove

In studying theBookofProverbs, I discovered that these reactions can be farmore destructive than the criticisms themselves. Solomon’s unique view ofcriticismisrevealedinProverbs27:5.Insteadofreactingtoitasanenemy,he

saysweshouldrespondtoitasasecretlover.“Openrebukeisbetterthansecretlove.”Thinkaboutthat.Canyourememberhowyoufeltwhenyoufirstfellinlove?Remembergettingalovenotefromyoursweetheart?Theanticipationyoufeltasyouwatched theclockslowly tickoff theminutesuntilyournextdate?Canyourememberhowyoufeltthefirsttimeheorshetookyourhandorgaveyouthatfirstkiss?Asgoodasthatwas,Solomonclaimscriticismisevenbetter.

As I read this proverb, I thought, “What on earth doesSolomonmean?”Andyet Idecided to takehisadviceandgive it a try.Thenext timesomeonecriticized me, I embraced that criticism rather than reacting against it. Forseveral days, I had been working on a script for my first major televisioncommercial.ThemomentIfinished,Iranitovertomyboss’shousetolethimread it. As he started to read the commercial, I expected to see him smile.Instead, I sawhimgrimace.He lookedupatmeandsaiddisappointedly,“It’sprettygood,butthere’snohook.”Iwasdevastated.Insteadofreceivingahighfive, I was given a criticism. But at that moment, I remembered Solomon’sadviceandmadeadecisiontotreatmyboss’scriticismasasecretlover.Insteadof arguing the case formy script, I embraced his criticism and simply asked,“Whatdoyoumean,‘ahook’?”Heexplainedwhatahookwasandwhyitwascriticaltoalwaysincludeonerightatthetopofacommercial.Afteracoupleofminutes, Iwroteanewopening lineand read it tohim.This timehis reactionwascompletelydifferent.Withagiantgrinonhisface,helookedupandsaid,“Now,that’sahook!”

That commercial launched our company, producing sales of a milliondollarsaweek.Byembracingmyboss’scriticism,InotonlychangedthewayIwrote that commercial—I made sure I put a strong hook at the beginning ofevery television commercial I wrote. During the past twenty-nine years, mycommercialshaveproducedbillionsofdollarsinsalesforourcompany.

Nowletmeaskyouaquestion. Ifa strangerwalkedup toyouandgave

you a check for millions of dollars, would you treat him like an enemy or afriend?Myboss’scriticismwassuchastranger.Solomonwasn’tnutsafterall.Infact,learningtherightwaytodealwithcriticismhasmadeeverythinginmypersonalandprofessionallifefarbetterthanIcouldhaveeverdreamedpossible.

HowDoYouDealwithCriticism?

Ifyouarelikemostofus,youprobablyreacttocriticisminoneormoreofthewrong ways. Do you instantly defend yourself or your actions? Go on theoffensive and attack the critic? Quickly shift the blame and point a finger atsomeone else’s failings? Do you go into denial, either by making excuses orrunningawayfromcriticismbywithdrawingphysicallyoremotionallyfromthepersoncriticizingyou?Ifanyofthesedescribeyournormalreactiontocriticism,don’tfeelbad.Thesearenaturalreactions.Butournaturalreactionisthewrongway to deal with criticism. And turning our back on it can have devastatingconsequences.

TheConsequencesofReactingNegativelytoCriticism

Unhappiness,lackoffulfillment,andworse.InProverbs15:32,Solomonwrites,“Hethatrefusesinstructionhateshimself,buthewholistenstoreproofacquiresunderstanding.”Reproof,ofcourse,issynonymouswithcriticism.TheHebrewwordforinstructionmeans“chastening,”ordisciplinaryinstruction.Intoday’svernacular,wecouldcallitconstructivecriticism.SoSolomonistellingus that the person who can’t take constructive criticism is severely hurtinghimself.Hethencontraststhatwithapersonwholistensandcorrectlyrespondstoreprooforcriticism,sayingtheywillincreasetheirlevelofunderstanding.

Solomon gives one of his gravest warnings to those who cannot acceptcriticism in the very first chapter of Proverbs: “They would not accept mycounsel,theyrejectedallmyreproof.Sotheyshalleatofthefruitoftheirownway, and be filled with their own devises. For the waywardness of the naive

shallkillthemandthecomplacencyoffoolsshalldestroythem.”Inotherwords,whenyourejectcounselandcriticism,youwillgetyourownway,butyourwaywillultimatelyleadtoyourundoing.

Problems that can’t be fixed. In Proverbs 10:17, Solomon says that thepersonwhoheedscorrectionorconstructivecriticismwillstayonthepathofafulfilling andproductive life, but the personwho refuses (ignores or forsakes)reproofwill strayoffof thatpath.Lookat the faceofanyclockorwatchandnotice the slightanglebetween twominutes—forexample,between12:00and12:01.Thattinyangleisonlythreedegrees.Yetifaspaceshuttleislaunchedatthemoonandveersoffitspathbyathree-degreeangle(afractionofaninch),itwill miss the moon by more than 13,000 miles. When we wrongly react tocriticism,wewill stray off the path to a fulfilling life, according to Solomon.Though itmay be only a tiny deviation initially, over a lifetime or career theconsequences can be devastating. In Proverbs 29:1, he warns, “A man whoremains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed—withoutremedy.”I’veseenthisProverbprovenoverandoveragaininindividuallives,marriages,parent-childrelationships,andinthecorporateworld.

Poverty and shame. In Proverbs 13:18, Solomon warns, “Poverty andshame[willcome]tohimwhoneglectsdiscipline,Buthewhoregardsreproofwillbehonored.”Mybusinesspartners,myfinancialadvisers,andmywifeallgaveconstructivecriticismswarningmenottoinvestinoneparticularfinancialventure.IrefusedtolistentotheirwarningsandcriticismsandinvestedmillionsofdollarsinwhatIbelievedwasa“can’t-miss”opportunity.Itmissed,andIlosteverything.Andallofthiswaswitnessedbythepeoplewhomeantthemosttome—myfamily,mybusinesspartners,andmytrustedfinancialadvisers.TosayIwasshamedisanunderstatement.

Stupidity.Solomonsumsuptheconsequencesofrefusingcriticismwithasingle word in Proverbs 12:1—“Hewho hates reproof is stupid.” There have

beenanumberoftimesinmylifewhereIhavecoveredmyearswithmyhandsand ignored thecriticismsofothers. I ranfullspeedaheadonmyowncourse,oblivious to everyone’s warnings. In each case, the results were catastrophic.WhenIlookback,theonlywordthatadequatelydescribeshowIactedandhowI felt is “stupid.” And I’ll bet everyone who witnessed these debacles wouldhavedescribedmyactionswiththesameword.

TheGoodNews...

Imaginethatyou’resickandyourdoctorprescribesanewmedicationforyour illness.He says hewants to see you back in the office in three days. If,when you return, he looks worried and says your body is “reacting” to themedication,youhavecause tobenervous.Ontheotherhand, ifhesmilesandsays your body is “responding” wonderfully to the medicine, you feel relief.That isasimple illustrationof thedifferencebetweenreactingandresponding.Reactingagainstcriticismcanbringlife-alteringnegativeconsequencesintoourlives.Butcorrectlyrespondingtoitcanbringtremendousbenefits.

Here’sWhatYouCanExpectWhenYouRespondCorrectlytoCriticism

Amoreproductiveandfulfillinglife.InProverbs10:17,Solomontellsusthatthepersonwhorespondstocriticismwillstayontherightpathwaytoafulllife.

Understandingandwisdom.AccordingtoProverbs15:32,thepersonwholistens and responds to criticism acquires understanding.Whenyou acquire it,youownitandexperienceallofitsbenefitsforlife!AndinProverbs15:31and29:15,wearetoldthatlisteningtoreproofwillbringuswisdom.Howvaluableare true understanding and wisdom? The richest man who ever lived tells usthroughouttheBookofProverbsthatthesetwoqualitiesaremorevaluablethansilver,gold,jewels,oranyamountofmoney.

Greaterjoy.Again,Solomonviewedcriticismasbetterthanafirstlove.InProverbs27:9,hetellsusthatheartycounselbringsmorejoytoourheartthanahealingointmentorarichperfume.Later,hesaysthatawisecriticisbetterthana beautiful piece of fine jewelry to thosewhowould embrace and follow thecritic’sadvice.

Honor.InProverbs13:18,Solomontellsusthatthepersonwhocorrectlyrespondstocriticismwillreceivehonorinhisorherlife.Andthatissomethingthatmoneycan’tbuy.Atarecentpianorecital,mynine-year-oldsonplayedthetitlesongofPhantomoftheOpera.Heplayedthissix-pagepiecewithpassionand without the benefit of sheet music. This was at a recital where even theteenagersplayedmucheasierpieces.Whenhefinished,theparentofoneoftheotherparticipantslookedoveratmewithhermouthwideopeninawe.Mysonwashonoredwith enthusiastic applause from the audience.What the audiencedid not see was all of the coaching and constructive criticism my son hadreceivedfromhisteacherduringtheweeksoflessonsthatpreparedhimforthatrecital.

Sharpness. I’ve traveledmillionsofmileson thousandsof airline flightsduringmy career. In all of that traveling,many of the people I’ve sat next tohave been ordinary, some have been interesting, and a few have beenextraordinarily sharp. By that, I mean they’ve impressed me with theirintelligence,howquicktheywereonthe“uptake,”andtheirsharpwit.Whenaperson is extremely sharp, their value to anybusiness is apparent themomenttheyopentheirmouth.

Thesharpeningprocess is loud, it’sgrueling,andboth the sharpenerandtheonebeingsharpened takea lotofheat.Mybest friends in lifearealsomybestcritics,andthroughoutmylifetheyhavemademesharp.Goingthroughtheprocessisnevereasy.Buttheultimateoutcomealwaysmakestheprocessworththe sparks. In Proverbs 27:6, Solomon tells us, “Faithful are thewounds of a

friend.”Inotherwords,it’sbettertoreceivequalitycriticismfromafriendthanapatonthebackfromsomebodywhoreallydoesn’tcareaboutyou.Whenwerespondcorrectly to thecriticismsofafriend, theywillultimatelybuildusup,makingusbetterequippedtohandleanythinglifethrowsatus.

TheRightWaytoRespondtoCriticism

Over the years, I have found that there’s only one right way to respond tocriticism.Thegoodnewsisthatwhenyourespondtoitproperly,itlosesallitspowertohurtyou.

Turning any criticism from a dreaded enemy into a valued ally involvesthreesteps.First,carefullyconsiderthesource.Second,determinetheaccuracyofthecriticism.Finally,youmustchangeyourbehaviororactionsinresponsetocriticismyouhavejudgedtobetrue.

Considerthesource.

Is the person offering criticism qualified by their own knowledge andexperience to make the judgment they have rendered? Is their perspectivecompleteandaccurate,orincompleteanddistorted?

When my third boss fired me, he said, “You will never succeed inmarketing.”Buthereallywasn’tqualifiedtomakethatkindofforecast.Yes,hewas a marketing expert, but he wasn’t a prophet or a fortune-teller. Often,criticism isgivenbypeoplewhoarenotadequatelyqualified togive it.Whenyourealizethat,youcanbrushoffthatcriticismasinvalid.

On the other hand, when my boss on job number ten said of my firstcommercial, “There’s no hook,” he was more than qualified to make thatcriticism.

Considertheaccuracyofthecriticism.

Whenmythirdbosstoldme,“Youarethesinglegreatestdisappointmentin my entire career,” I was initially flattened by the remark. But that night Iconsidered the accuracy of his criticism. Therewas noway that I could havebeen the biggest disappointment in his career—I justwasn’t that important tohim.Hewastheseniorvicepresidentofmarketingofahugecorporation.Iwasonlyanassistantproductmanager,averylow-levelposition.I’msurethatinhislong career inmarketing he had experiencedmany disappointments thatweremuchgreaterthanajuniormanager’ssubparnine-monthperformance.

WhenIrealizedthathisremarkwasagrossexaggeration,itwasnolongernearlyaspainful.Irealizedhewasdeliberatelyexaggeratinginordertohurtme.As you consider most of the criticisms that come your way, you’ll find thatmanyareinaccurate.

Takecriticismunderadvisementanddeterminetheappropriateresponse.

The final step is the most important. It starts when you choose not toinstantlyreact to thecriticism,but rather to take it“underconsideration.”Thiswill give you the time to analyze the criticism, consider the source and itsaccuracy,andthendetermineyourbestresponsetoit.

There’s a beach near SanDiego that in themorning sparkleswithwhatappear tobe trillionsof tinyflakesofgold.While lyingonthebeachtryingtoget a little sun,myyoung sons thought itwouldbe funny tograb abucketofwaterandgivemeashockingsurprise.Receivingcriticismisa lot likegettinganunexpectedbucketofthatwaterthrowninyourface.First,althoughitmaybea shock, there’s nothing dangerous or incapacitating about having a bucket ofcoldwater thrownintoyourface.Likewise,criticismusuallyblindsidesusandshocksus.

Butwe don’t have to run away or attack the critic. Thewords are only

water.Grabatowelandwipeoffyourface.Thewaterincriticismistheinvalidpart—the exaggerations, superlatives, and generalizations. However, like thebucketofwatermykids threw,criticismalwayscontainsa littlesand thatgetsintoyoureyes. Itstings,blursyourvision,andtakesyourattentionawayfromeverythingaroundyou.Youwanttogetitoutofyoureyesasfastasyoucan.

The good news is, sand is easily washed out. And when it is, you canrefocus your attention on the important things aroundyou.With criticism, thesandisthestingingpart—thespiritofthecritic,hisanger,theharshnessofhiswords,theimplicationsofhiscriticism,andevenhismotiveforcriticizingyou.Thebestwaytowashthissandoutofyoureyesistowritedownexactlywhatthecriticsaid.Later,readit,withoutseeingtheirbodylanguageorhearingtheirtone of voice. Often, this will take away the hurtful emotional part of thecriticismthatwearesoquicktoreactagainst.

Next,considerthemotiveofthecritic.Iftheirgoalwassimplytohurtyou,then you might need to reconsider your relationship with them in the future.However,mostofthetime,themotiveofthecriticistocorrectus,protectus,orpoint us in a direction that they believe is for our owngood.When that’s thecase, understanding theirmotive softens the sting and helps you receive it farmoreobjectively.The fact is,whether theirmotive is tohelpyouorhurtyou,whenwe take the next and last step in this process, it is impossible for theircriticismtohurtyou.Eveniftheyhavetheworstofmotives,youcanusetheircriticismtobringaboutlong-termbenefitsinyourlife.

Miningforgold.

Ineverybucketofcriticismthat’sthrownatus,thereisalwaysalittlegold.Itmaybethetiniestofflakes,oritmaybeagiantnugget.Whenmybosstoldme thatmycommercialneededahook, that criticism turnedout to contain anentirebankvaultfullofgold.Ontheotherhand,whenmythirdbossfiredme,Ihad to go through that bucketwith amagnifying glass to find the gold in his

criticism.WhenhetoldmeIwasthesinglegreatestdisappointmentinhisentirecareer,Ihadtoaskwhyhewassoangryatme.Whywouldhesaysuchmeanthings to a twenty-three-year-old kid? Looking back over the nine months Iworkedforhim,IrealizedIhadbecomeboredwiththemonotonousroutineofthe job. So I moonlighted, doing outside projects for other divisions of thecompany.Heviewed thisasdisloyalty.Thatwas theunderlyingreasonforhisangerandcriticism.IdecidedthatinmyfuturejobsIwouldgooutofmywaytoshowloyaltytomybossesandrefrainfrommoonlighting.Thisreallypaidoffina big way. Though my ex-boss’s intent had been to hurt me, his criticismprovided an essential building block formy future. If youmine the criticismsyou receive, nomatter howhurtful or devastating theymay be, you, too,willfindnuggetsofgoldthatcanforeverchangeandimproveyourlife.

TheRightWaytoOfferCriticism

Whetheryouareaboss,aspouse,oraparent,youshouldnotgooutofyourwaytocriticizeothers.Mostofthecriticismwegivetoothersisunnecessary.Somecanbeextremelyhurtfulandcreatebiggerproblemsthantheysolve.Weshouldbequicktoreceivecriticismandveryslowandthoughtfulingivingit.Solomonwarnsus thatwehave thepower towoundorbreakaperson’s spiritwithourcriticism. It can literally change the course of their lives. In Proverbs 18:14,Solomon says, “The spirit of amanwill sustain his infirmity, but awoundedspirit who can bear?” In other words, a man or woman can usually find thestrength to deal with a physical injury or illness. But Solomon says that awoundedspiritcanbetrulyunbearable.

This being said, constructive criticism is a very important and necessarypart of life. Even though it should be offered sparingly, it should be givenwheneveritistrulyneeded.Buttherearehundredsofwaystowronglycriticizesomeone,andonlyonewaytocriticizecorrectly.First,weshouldnotcriticizewhenweareangry.Remember,theonlyvalidpurposeforcriticizinganyoneis

tobringaboutpositivechange.Soifyou’reangry,takeatime-outandwaituntilyou’vecooledoff.Thendeterminewhatyouwanttosayandthebestwaytosayit.Infact,manyofthe“DosandDon’tsofConflict”attheendofthelastchapterapplyequallytogivingcriticismandreceivingit.

GarySmalleysuggestsamethodofcriticizing that Ihaveusedforyears,and it nearly always brings about positive results.Gary calls it “the sandwichmethod.” Every sandwich has a slice of bread on each side, and a yummymiddle,whether it’smeat, fish, poultry, or peanut butter.With criticism, each“sliceofbread”shouldbepraiseorapositivestatement.

Sobeforeyoufocusonthemeatofthecriticism,laydownasliceofpraiseorencouragement.Honortheotherpersonwithyourtoneofvoice,gentlewords,andeyecontact.

Thenmakethetransitiontothemeatofthecriticism.Youtellthemwhatthey are doing or have donewrong or imperfectly, and suggest how they canimprove.Asyougivethemdirection,askfortheirinput.Letthemseefromyourdemeanor and yourwords that you are on their side, and that your goal is toachievetheabsolutebestforthem.

After you’ve finishedwith themeat of a criticism, add the final slice ofencouragement,specificpraise,orapatontheback.

Warning:Solomonsaystherearesomepeopleyoushouldnevercriticize.

Thewholepurposeofcriticismistohelpsomeone.Solomonwarnsusnottocriticizeapersonwhowillonlyignore,reject,orreactagainstyourcriticism.Hewrites,“Donotreproveascoffer,lesthehateyou,”andlateradds,“Whoevercorrectsamockerinvitesinsult;whoeverrebukesawickedmanincursabuse.”Weallknowpeoplelikethis.Ifwereprovethem,theywillhateus,insultus,orevenabuseus.It’sbettertoletsuchpeopleexperiencetheultimatereproofsof

life.SolomonsaysinProverbs23:9,“Donotspeakinthehearingofafool,Forhewilldespisethewisdomofyourwords.”

KnowledgetoWisdom

The best way to begin to change habits is to first reviewexperiencesfromyourpastandmentallyapplywhatyou’velearned.Thiswill enableyou toeffectivelychangeyourhabitof reacting tocriticism to one of responding to it. It will also help you moreeffectivelyhelpotherswithconstructivecriticism.

RECEIVINGCRITICISM

1.Makealistofsomethemorememorablecriticismsthatyouhavereceivedathomeoratwork.

2.Nexttoeachofthecriticismsyoulisted,determinehowqualifiedthepersonwastogivesuchacriticism.WriteaVforveryqualified,anSforsomewhatqualified,andanNfornotqualifiedatall.

3.Besideeachcriticismwritedownasmanyofthefollowingreasonsthatmayhavebeenthebasisoftheperson’scriticism:

EBasedonemotions

PEBasedonyourortheirpastexperiencesorpastfailures

LUBasedontheirlackofunderstandingorfullycomprehendingyourgoal,intent,orvision

CTBasedontheirconventionalthinkingratherthancreativethinking

LBasedonlogic

RSBasedontherealitiesofthesituation

4.Whatwasthemotiveofthecritic?Wasittheirconcernforyouorthe project and their genuine concern for others? Or was itselfishness, jealousy, fear, animosity, hurt or anger, or their ownimmaturity?

5.Lookingback,howaccuratewastheircriticism?

A.Definethe“water”inthecriticism—thatwhichwasexaggerated,absurd,ormeaningless.

B.Definethe“sand”inthecriticism—thatwhichwasmostirritatingorhurtful(specificwords,toneofvoice,spiritofcriticism,etc.).

C.Determinethe“gold”inthecriticism—thetruthsthatcanbedrawnfromthecriticismthatcanhelpyoubetterperforminthefuture.

6.Howdidyourespondtothecriticism?Withanger,defensiveness,denial,blame,attack,orwithdrawal?Ordidyoulisten,acknowledge,thank, or give the critic an explanation that helped them to betterunderstandyouoryouraction?

7. How could you have responded in a way that would have beenbetter for you, your growth, and your relationship with the personofferingthecriticism?

8. Write down the best ways you believe you could respond tocriticisminthefuture.

GIVINGCRITICISM

1.Areyouquicktocriticize,orslow?(Askfamilymembers,friends,

andcoworkers.)

2. Do you thoughtfully prepare your criticisms, or simply react tosituationsand“shootfromthehip”?

3.Do you criticize from the point of view of someonewho thinkstheyarebetterthantheotherperson,orwiththespiritofahelper?

4.Dothepeopleyoucriticizefeelbetterafterthecriticism,orworse?

5.Listsomeoftherecentcriticismsyouhaveleveledatothers.Ifyoucan’t think of any, ask your spouse, children, parents, siblings, orcoworkers.(Iftheycan’trememberany,you’realreadyasaint.)

6.Nexttoeachcriticism,describehowyoudeliveredit,howitwasreceived, and the ultimate result in the life of the person youcriticized.

7. Describe how you could have turned each criticism into amorepositiveexperience.

8.Writeoutanexampleofhowyoucouldhavedeliveredacriticismusingthesandwichmethod.

CHAPTER11

OvercomingtheMostDestructiveForceinRelationshipsWrathiscruelandangerisoutrageous.

—PROVERBS27:4A

Recently,mycommunitywasshockedby thenewsofasenselesskillingofa23-year-oldwoman.Shewassittinginherparkedcarwithheroldersisterandherthree-year-olddaughter,whenherex-boyfriendapproachedher.Theystartedtoargue,andhebecamesoenragedthathepulledoutasawed-offshotgunandkilledherwithasingleshot.ThismorningIreadofafatherwhowassoangeredbyhisdaughter’ssuspensionfromherhighschoolsoftball teamthathe tookabaseballbatandbeatuphercoach.

Althoughtheseexamplesmayappeartobetheextremeexception,similareventstakeplaceeveryday.Lesssevereexpressionsofanger,withdevastatingconsequences,happeninthousandsofrelationshipseveryday.Ayoungfriendofmine,married only fourmonths, asked her husbandwhat she thoughtwas aninnocentquestion.Heexplodedinangerand,inamomentofrage,pinnedhertothe groundwith his knee on her throat.Her husband had no record of violentbehavior.HewasasuccessfulmedicaldoctorandaSunday-schoolteacher.

Noneofthemenmentionedabovestartedtheirdaythinkingtheywoulddosomethingterriblethatwouldradicallychangetheirlives.Theex-boyfriendhadsimplyplannedtoaskhisex-girlfriendtogivehimthecartheyhadonceshared.The father had planned to ask the coach to reinstate his daughter to the team.And the husband of my young friend had simply come home from workplanningtohaveanormaleveningwithhisnewbride.

Whydomillionsofpeoplemakefoolishdecisionsthatendupcostingthem

everythingtheyvalue?Solomonknewtheanswer.Likemillionsofothers,theyhadneverlearnedhowtodealwithanger.AsSolomonsaysinProverbs14:17,“Aquick-temperedmanactsfoolishly.”

Leftunchecked,angercandestroyyourpersonalhappinessforamomentor for a lifetime. It can destroy relationships at home and at work. In fact,marriage expertDr.Gary Smalley says that anger is the number-one cause ofdivorceandthedestructionofpersonalrelationshipsofallkinds.

ThePowerofAngerWrathisfierceandangerisaflood.—Proverbs27:4a

Solomon describes the destructive power of anger as a downpour or a flood—“outrageous and overwhelming.” Have you ever been caught by anunexpecteddownpour?LastyearIwasdrivingonahighwaywhenoneopenedupoutofnowhere.Withmywindshieldwipersattheirhighestspeed,Icouldn’tseefivefeetinfrontofthecar.Ihadtopullofftheroadandwaititout.Asenioratourhighschoolwasn’t so fortunate.Hercarhydroplanedandhitaconcretewall,killingherinstantly.

Floods are evenmore “overwhelming.” They can destroywhatever is intheirpaths:roads,bridges,buildings,andlives.Thisisthetruenatureofanger.Itcanstartlikealightrainandturnintoanextremedownpour.Likeatsunamiwave,itcanseeminglycomeoutofnowhereandoverwhelmanythinginitsway.Whataboutyourtemper?Youmaythink,“Yeah,Ihaveatemper,butit’snobigdeal.”Butthefactis,evenalittletempercan,inamoment,turnintoadownpouroraflood,causingyoutolosecontrol.

Howdoyoufeelwhensomeoneclosetoyoulashesoutinanger?Whetheryourresponseistorunawayorfight,beingthetargetofsomeoneelse’sangerisunsettlingatbest.Noonewantstobeclosetosomeonewhoisangry.Andhowdoyoufeelwhenyouareangryatsomeoneelse?Areyouabletogoaboutyour

day in a calm frame of mind, or does your anger fester, creeping into yourthoughtsandfeelings?Mostpeopledon’tenjoybeingangryanymorethantheyenjoybeingthefocusofsomeoneelse’sanger.

TheConsequencesofAngerAngercreatescontention.Solomonsays,“Awrathfulmanstirsupstrife.”Ifthere’salotofconflictinyourlife,there’sagoodchanceit’snottheresultofotherpeople’sbehavior.Youmayhaveangerthathasneverbeeneffectivelydealtwith.

Angerdrivesothersawayfromus.Solomontellsus,“Donotmakefriendswithahot-temperedman,donotassociatewithoneeasilyangered.”Everyone’snatural inclinationis togetawayfromanangryperson.Butwhentheir tempertantrum isover,our inclination is to rationalize it and resume the relationship.Solomon advises us not to associate with someone who is full of unresolvedanger. Think about it—every year thousands are killed andmillionsmore arephysically abused by spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends who have neverextinguishedtheangerthatresidesintheirhearts.

Anger lowers our self-esteem and the self-esteem of others. Solomonsays,“Hethatissoonangrydealsfoolishly.”Haveyoueverdoneanythingthathasmadeyouor thosearoundyou feel foolish?Aquick-temperedpersonactsfoolishlybecauseangerdistortshisorhervisionandperspective.Itcandistortourviewofsituationsandourabilitytoseeaperson’swordsoractionsintrueperspective. Consequently,we overreact rather than effectively respond to therealityofasituation.

TheRewardsofControllingYourTemperYouwillhavethepowertoovercomecontentionandstrife.InProverbs15:18,Solomonclaimsthat“hethatisslowtoangerappeasesstrife.”Controllingyourtemperallowsyoutomaintainobjectivity,eveninthemidstofanargumentorfight.Notonlywillyour

demeanorbeacalminginfluenceontheargument,yourclearandaccurateperceptionofthesituationwillenableyoutoprovidesolutionsthatthosewhoareangrycannotsee.

Youwillhavegreaterunderstanding.AsSolomonsays,“Hewhoisslowto anger has great understanding, but hewho is quick-tempered exalts folly.”Because your perception is neither blurred nor blinded by anger, yourunderstandingoftherealitiesofasituationincreases.

Youraccomplishmentswillincrease.InProverbs16:32,Solomonwrites,“Hewhoisslowtoangerisbetterthanthemighty,Andhewhoruleshisspirit[ismightier]thanhewhocapturesacity.”Inourculture,wheresomanyarenotincontroloftheiremotions,thosewhomaintainthatcontrolhaveatremendousadvantage.Theywillnotonlyenjoygreatersuccess in theworkplace, theyaremuchmorelikelytohavehappyrelationshipsathomeaswell.

Youwill bemore highly respected by others. “The discretion of amandefers his anger, and it is to his glory to pass over a transgression,” writesSolomon.MysonRyanisarunningbackonhisfootballteam.Atarecentgame,anopposingplayerthrewanintentionallatehitonhim.Therefereesawitandthrew a flag. As Ryan got back up, I noticed that he was grimacing in pain.About five minutes later, the other team had the ball and Ryan was playingdefensiveend.Thistime,hemadeadivingtackleagainstthesameplayerwhohadmadethelatehitonhim.Astheplayerwaslyingontheground,IsawRyanbenddownandaskhimifhewasokay.Aftertheplayercaughthisbreath,Ryanreachedoutahandandhelpedhimbackup.Duringtheseason,Ryanhadmadelotsof first downs and touchdowns,but thatmomentmadememoreproudofhim than anything else he achieved that season. Ryan’s action was the verypictureofSolomon’sadviceon“passingoveratransgression.”

HowtoEffectivelyDealwithYourAngerandtheAngerofOthersIsthereanythingwecandotoreduceanger’spowerover

us?Isthereanythingwecandotoreduceourinclinationtobecomeangry?Isthereanythingwecandotodefuseangerinotherpeople?

TheRootCausesofAngerAccordingtoDr.GarySmalley,angerisnotaprimaryemotion.It’sasecondaryemotioncausedbyunresolvedhurt,frustration,fear,oracombinationofthese.Whenwebecomeangry,wecandealwithitstruesource,inwhichcaseitwillsoondissipate.Orwecanreacttothesituationorotherpersonbyexpressingouranger,orretainitandstoreitup.Mostpeopledothelasttwo.Expressingangercreatesthenegativeconsequenceswe’vealreadylookedat,hurtingothersandourselvesintheprocess.Storingupourangerorburyingitisn’tanybetter.Itproducesresentmentandbitterness,andwillultimatelypoisonourthoughts.Soonerorlaterwewillnotbeabletoholdourresentmentbackanylonger,andfromthatpointforwardwewillfindourselveswithanexplosivetemperthatcanbetriggeredbyeventinyirritations.

The onlyway to resolve anger effectively is to treat its root causes.Wehavetodealwiththeemotionalhurts,frustrations,andfearsthatcomeourwayonaregularbasis.Howdowedothat?AsGarySmalleysuggests,dealingwitheachoftheseissimplebutnoteasy.It’ssimplebecauseeachoftheseemotionshasasinglerootcause:ourunfulfilledexpectations.

Atbirth,100percentofourneedsaremetbyotherpeople.Asweprogressthrough childhood, other people continue tomeetmost of our needs. Even inadolescence,weexpectotherstomeetmanyofourneeds.Asaresult,wegainanunrealisticsenseofentitlement.Thatsenseofentitlementcanbecomeamajorroadblock to our happiness. It creates a set of expectations that we place onothers.Weexpectthatotherpeoplewilldothingsthatwillmakeushappyand

fulfilled. We expect them to do those things that show that they value andappreciateus. Inevery relationshipwehave,we subconsciouslybuilda listofexpectations.Weexpectothers todopositive thingsand to refrain fromdoingnegative things. Whenever anyone fails to meet our expectations—or evenworse, do something that is contrary to our expectations—frustration and hurtresult.And the longerapersongoeswithoutmeetinganexpectation, themorewe fear that that expectation will never be met. These unresolved hurts,frustrations,andfearsgoontocreatethesecondaryemotionofanger.

Howcanyoueffectivelydealwithyourexpectations?First,identifythem.Anytimeyoufeelhurt,frustrated,orfearful,askyourselfwhatexpectationsyouhadthathavebeenneglectedorrejected.Onceyou’veidentifiedthem,youhaveachoice.Youcanclenchyouremotionalfistaroundthatexpectationandholdontight, or you can mentally open your hand and release it. Our inclination isalwaystoholdontoit,butdoingsowillonlycausethehurt,frustration,orfearto continue to fester, creating anger, resentment, and bitterness. Or you canchoose to release it, letting go and moving on with life. By releasing thatexpectation,yougainapeaceofmindandafreedomfromanger.

EliminatingUnresolvedAngerGarySmalleysaysweallcarryan“angercup”inourheartscontainingourstored-upreserveofliquidanger.Forsomepeople,theircupisfulltothebrim.Itmaybefilledwithalifetimeofanger,ormaybejustaday’sworth.Droppingeventhetiniestamountofirritationintothecupwillcausetheangertooverflowandspillontowhoevercreatedtheirritation.Themostinsignificantevent—somebodycutsthemoffonthefreeway,orignoresorrejectsasingleexpectation—cansetoffthepersonwiththefullcupofanger.Itmaybeexpressedwithatempertantrum,emotionalwithdrawal,backbiting,oranoutrightphysicalattack.Oritmaybebottledupinside,poisoningtherecipientwithbitter,cynical,hateful,ordepressed

thoughtsandfeelings.

Ontheotherhand,somepeoplehaveangercupsthatare90percentempty.Theycanexperience irritationsandunfulfilledexpectationswithoutcausinganoverflow.What about yours? Is it filled to the brim? Three-quarters full? Ornearlyempty?Regardlessofhowmuchangerisstoredupinyourangercup,it’simportant tofocusonwhatyoucando todrain itoutcompletely—andkeep itempty.

In his video series Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships, Dr. Smalleyreveals seven steps thatwe can follow to drain the anger stored up inside us.Thesestepscanbeusedanytimeyoufindyourselfangryforanyreason.Takingthese steps will keep your anger cup empty and prevent resentment andbitterness frompoisoningyourpersonality.This iswhatSolomonmeanswhenhetalksabout“deferringanger.”

GarySmalley’sStepstoRemovingAngerDefinetheoffenseinwriting.Whenweareoffended,it’softenbecausesomebodyhaseitherreducedourpotentialforgainorincreasedourpotentialforloss.Wefeelviolated.Writedownspecificallywhatthatpersondidandwhatittookawayfromyou.Hasitcreatedapermanentloss,orwasitalossthatdiminishedwithtime?Diditaffectyourself-esteem?Didithurtyourfeelings?Intheheatofthemoment,ouremotionscanblowthingsoutofproportion.Whenyouwritedownhowsomeonehasoffendedyou,youwilloftenseeitinamorerealisticperspective.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss. Sometimes a terrible loss has beeninflicted. I had trustedone individual to conservatively investmy life savings.Instead,hetooktremendousrisks,liedaboutthelosses,andinafewmonthshehadlost95percentofmysavings.Needlesstosay,Iwasangry.Aftermyfatherdied, Ihad lesspatiencewithmychildren,mywife,andmyemployees,and I

didn’tknowwhy.IlaterfiguredoutthatIwasharboringangeroverthelossofmydad.Ineachsituation,GarySmalleyremindedmetowritedownmylossandallowmyselftimetogrieve.Whenwedon’tallowourselvesthetimetogrievetheloss,theunresolvedhurtcancreateareservoirofangerinus.

Trytogainabetterunderstandingoftheoffender.Whydidtheoffendingpersonsayordothethingsthathavehurtyou?Didtheyknowthattheyhurtyou,orweretheyblindtoit?Didtheysimplytreatyouthewaytheytreateverybodyelse, or perhaps the way they are treated by others? What is their frame ofreference?Aretheysimplyimmature?Everyonehasblindspots,andoftentheyinflicthurtsonotherswithoutintendingthedamagetheyhavecaused.Whenyourealizethatapersonhasdonesomethingthatwasafunctionoftheirpersonality,theirimmaturity,ortheirignorance,thepainisnotnearlyasgreat.Foryears,mywife,Shannon,wasdeeplyhurtbytheactionsofoneofherfriends.Whenshediscoveredthatherfriendtreatedeveryonethatway,andthatitwasafunctionofherbackgroundandpersonality rather thanan intent tohurther,Shannonwasfreedfromtheangerthathadbuiltupinherheart.

“Treasure-hunt”theoffense.Lookforthegoodthathascomeoutofthatsituation.Hasitmadeyoumorecompassionatetowardothers?Hasitmotivatedyounottotreatothersthewaythatpersonhastreatedyou?Afriendofminelosta child in a hit-and-run accident. Prior to that, he had never set foot in achildren’shospital.Hecouldwatchnewsreportsofsimilareventsandneverfeelatwingeofsadnessorcompassion.Afterhelosthisdaughter,hebecameoneofthe most compassionate men I’ve known. He routinely visited his localchildren’s hospital to offer empathy and comfort to the parents of sick andinjuredchildren.

Apearliscreatedbytheirritationofagrainofsand.Whenweexperienceconflict, adversity, irritations, or offenses, they often create hidden pearls.Recognizing these pearls can replacewith gratefulness the hurt and anger you

initiallyfelt.

Writea letter (butdon’tmail it).Why?Becauseyouranger, resentment,andbitternesswillbereleasedthroughyourpenorkeyboard.Butthereleaseisinwritingtheletter,notsendingit.Youneedtobeashonestanddescriptiveasyou can be. Don’t hold back. The purpose is to get everything out, and self-editingwillonlydefeatthatpurpose.

Release the other person from the hurts they have inflicted and fromfuture expectations. Solomon tells us that overlooking a transgression is to aperson’s glory. The Hebrew word for “overlook” means to set aside and gobeyond. The Hebrew word for “forgiveness” means “to release.” To trulyforgive someone, youmust release them from their responsibility for the hurttheyhavecausedyou.Forgivenessisn’tafeelingoraword;it’sachoice.AndSolomon says that when you make that choice, you will receive glory. Byreleasing the other person, and releasing any future expectations you have ofthem,youwillbereleasedfromyourangerandbitterness.

Reach out. When there is no physical danger or potential for harm,reaching out to the offender with kindness and understanding can be oftremendousbenefittobothofyou.Letmegiveyouanexample.MypartnerJimhadaterriblerelationshipwithhisfather.ThroughoutJim’schildhood,hisdadwasphysicallyabusivetohim,hisbrother,andhismother.Theabusewasbothsevereandhabitual.Evenasanadult,Jimhatedhisfather.GarySmalleyhelpedJim go through the seven-step process described here. The hardest part of theprocesscamethedayJimhadtoreachouttohisdad.Miraculously,thedayhereachedout,heandhisdadstartedawholenewrelationship.ItnotonlyremovedalifetimeofangerinJim’sheart,itcompletelychangedhisfather’slifeaswell.Theybecamebestfriendsandhadanincrediblerelationshipforthelasttwentyyearsofhisdad’slife.

DealingwiththeAngerofOthersIndealingwithother

people’sangertowardus,we’rereallytalkingabouttwodifferentsituations:reducingtheirangerinaparticularcircumstance,andhelpingthemtoreducethereservoirofangerintheirheart.HereareSolomon’ssuggestionsforreducingangerinasituationinwhichtempersareflaring.

Return softness for harshness. “A soft answer turns away wrath. Butgrievous words stir up anger,” says Solomon. Instead of returning insult forinsult,tryrespondingwithasoftertoneofvoiceandkindorgraciousstatements.Moreoftenthannot,theotherperson’sangerwillsubside.

Don’t add fuel to the fire. Solomonwrites, “For lack ofwood, the firegoesout.”Somanytimeswewanttohavethelastword.Whenwedo,it’slikethrowinganotherlog,orevengasoline,onthefire.Wecanremovefuelfromthefirebyaccepting responsibility (or theotherperson’sblame) for the thingswedidorsaidthatwerehurtful,ratherthansimplyexcusingordefendingourwordsorbehavior.

HowCanYouUndotheDamageCausedbyYourAnger?

Anytimeyouloseyourtemperwithsomeoneelse,youhaveinflictedablow.Ifthey aremoremature thanyou, theymayhavedealt rightlywith it.Butmoreoften than not, the pain is not easily forgotten, and you need to takeresponsibility to undo the damage you have caused. Doing this involves thesameprocessweuse toremovetheangerfromourownheart,butwitha littledifferentspin.Inadditiontothestepsforremovingangerfromyourownheartthat I discussed earlier, you should: Define your offense toward the otherperson.Whathaveyoudone that inflicted thehurt?Howhaveyourejectedorignoredtheirexpectations?Howhaveyoucreatedalossordiminishedagain?Clearlydefinethenatureanddegreeofyouroffense.(Don’tjustifyit,excuseit,minimize it, or rationalize it.)Tell the other person how sorry you are. Talkspecificallyabouttheparticularsofyouroffense.Nobodyappreciatesorbelieves

agenericapology.Anapology that states the specifics shows theotherpersonthatyoureallyunderstandwhatyoudidandhowithurtthem.

Ask for forgiveness. Again, be specific about what you would like theotherpersontoforgiveyoufor.

Work torestore therelationship to itsearlier state.Let theotherpersonknowthatyouwishtorespecttheirboundariesandmoveattheirpace.

True wisdom is never passive; it is always proactive. Solomon offersspecificsuggestionswecanusetodeliverusfromhurts,frustrations,unfulfilledexpectations,andanger. Itcomeswhenwetreat thosewhooffendus inawaythatrunstotallycontrarytothenaturalinclinationsofhumannature.

Neverseekrevenge.InProverbs24:29,Solomonwrites,“Donotsay,‘I’lldo tohimashehasdone tome; I’llpay thatmanback forwhathedid.’”Hewarnsagainstrevengeinanyform,fromtalkingbacktopaybacks.AsProverbs26:27says,“Whoeverdigsapitshallfalltherein.Andhethatrollsastoneitwillreturnuntohim.”

Never gloat when a person who has hurt you gets hurt. In Proverbs24:17,Solomonsays,“Donotrejoicewhenyourenemyfallsanddonotletyourheartbegladwhenhestumbles.”

Look for opportunities to do good to thosewho hurt you.As SolomonwritesinProverbs25:21,“Ifyourenemyishungry,givehimbreadtoeat.Ifheis thirsty,givehimwater todrink.”Yes, this iscontrarytohumannature.Yet,when we help those who have offended us, we not only take fuel from theiranger, we show them that we are as concerned about others as we are forourselves.

ResolvingAngerIsn’taSingleVictoryAngerisanemotionalforceweneedtodealwithoverandoveragainthroughoutour

lives.Thegoodnewsis,wedon’thavetobevictimizedbyourangeroranyoneelse’s.Angerstartslikealightrain—adrophereandthere.Leftunattended,itcanbecomethefloodthatSolomonwarnsof.Butyoucantakestepstomakesurethatitdoesn’toverpoweryouorundermineyourrelationships.Youcankeepyourcupofangerbonedry.

KnowledgetoWisdom

HOWFULLISYOURANGERCUP?

1.Areyoueasilyhurt,irritated,orfrustratedby“littlethings”?

2. Do you find yourself irritated or frustrated rarely? Somewhatoften?Ornearlyeveryday?

3.Arethereanygrudgesorresentmentsyou’recurrentlyholdingonto in your relationships? Are there any people you’ve withdrawnfrom?

4.Whenwasthelasttimeyoublewuporwithdrewinanger?

A.Whatsetyouoff?

B.Knowingwhatyouknownow,howwouldyouhandlethesamesituationnexttime?

5. List any people you feel you should repair relationships with,peoplewhomyouwereangrywith,orwhowereangrywithyou.

Togeta truepicture,youmayneedtoasktheopinionsofyourfamily,friends,orpeersatwork.

CHAPTER12

Disarmingthe“BoobyTraps”toSuccess

Thenaivebelieveseverything:butawisemanlookswelltoamatter.

—PROVERBS14:15

TwoofmycousinswerecourageousMarineswhoserved theircountry in theVietnamWar.Ofallthedangerstheyfaced,theonestheyfearedthemostwerebooby traps, such as hidden antipersonnel mines covered with foliage. In aninstant,thesedevicescouldpermanentlymaimorkillanunsuspectingsoldier.

Solomon reveals that a similar kind of booby trap in your personal orprofessionallifecanhaveanequallydevastatingeffect.Whatisthenameofthatboobytrap?Naivete.Anditcanambushanyone,regardlessoftheirintelligence,education,financialsuccess,orpersonalachievements.

Philo T. Farnsworth was a genius. In high school, his understanding ofphysics,mathematics,andthedevelopingscienceofelectronicswaslight-yearsahead of his teachers’. At the age of fourteen, he envisioned a system ofelectronicline-by-linescanningofanimageandthetransmissionofthatimage.Hebeganworkingfull-timeonthedevelopmentoftheworld’sfirsttelevisionattheageofnineteen.Manyoftheworld’sforemostscientistsandengineersandthe world’s leading manufacturers had determined that the problems ofelectronically capturing and transmitting visual images were of such a greatmagnitudethatsuchadevicewasfinanciallyunfeasible.Andyet,bytheageoftwenty-four, Farnsworthwas awarded two patents for inventing the televisioncameraandreceiver.

Another inventor, Edward H. Armstrong, created a method of sound

amplification called frequencymodulation (FM),which is the heart of today’squality sound transmission used in radio, television, and cellular telephones.WithoutArmstrong’sFM,therewouldbenomodernsoundtransmission.

Yetinspiteoftheirindisputablegeniusandtheirincalculablecontributionstomasscommunications,neithermansubstantiallyprofitedfromhisinventions.Nearly bankrupt, Armstrong committed suicide. Farnsworth never received asinglepennyofthemillionsofdollarsinroyaltieshehadbeenpromisedbytheelectronicscompanythatprofitedmostfromhisinvention.

Howcouldthishappen?SolomonanswersthatquestioninProverbs14:15whenhesays,“Thenaivebelieveeverything,butawisemanlookswellintoamatter.”Yousee,althoughthesemenweregeniusesintheworldofscience,intheworldofcommercetheywereverynaive.Farnsworthwassonaivethatwhenthe CEO of RCA sent a company scientist to see Farnsworth’s invention,Farnsworth not only welcomed him, he showed him how to build one of hisinvention’skeycomponents.Farnsworthknewthatthisscientisthadappliedforcompetingpatents,yet,accordingtoauthorHaroldEvans,he trustedin“honoramongmenof science.”The scientistVladimirZworykin stolehis technologyandwashonoredyears lateras the inventorof television.Armstrong, too,wasbetrayed by David Sarnoff and RCA, a CEO and a company he had trusted.Afteryearsof litigation,nearbankruptcy,hejumpedoutof thethirteenthfloorofhisapartmentbuilding.

TheCostofBeingNaive

In1993,afriendofmineintroducedmetoabillionairewhowasfundinganewcompanythatpossessedarevolutionarypatentedtechnology.IwassotakenwithitspromisethatIinvested$2.5millioninhiscompany.In1998,afriendIhadrecentlymadetoldmehewouldsoonbetakinghiscompanypublic.Asaresult,I invested $3million in his company. In 2000,my cousin introducedme to astock-tradingwhizwho,infourshortyears,hadturned$5,000into$14million.

SoIinvested$2millionwithhim.Today,thesethreeinvestments,totaling$7.5million,haveacombinedworthof$200,000.That’sa97percentloss!

Whatwentwrong?Itrustedmyintuitionandtookeveryoneatfacevalue.IhadfailedtofollowSolomon’sadvice.Iviolatedthreeofhisstrongestwarningsandasaresultcrashedandburned.HadIheededanyoneofthethree,Iwouldbemillions of dollarswealthier today.Had I heededall three, todaymy $7.5millionwould,properlyinvested,beworthnearly$20million!

NaiveteandIQ

Naivetehas less todowith intelligenceandmore todowith theway apersonapproaches individual situations and life in general. A naive person tends tooversimplify a situation and thereby fails to see critical factors that maysignificantlyaffectanoutcome.Aswe’veseen,geniusescanbejustasnaiveaspeopleofaverageintelligence.Solomondescribesapersonasnaivewhenheorshedoesn’t“lookwell intoamatter”beforechoosingacourseofaction.Mostpeople fail toperformduediligence foroneormoreof the following reasons.Canyouidentifywithanyofthese?

Oversimplification.We all have a natural inclination toward simplicity.Wewantthingstobesimple.Wewanttobeabletofigurethingsoutinstantly,without having to read an instruction book or doing homework. We want tobelieveeverybody,andwewant toacceptwhatwe’vebeen toldat facevalue.And sadly, that is foolish. In Proverbs 1:22, Solomon chides, “How long, Onaive ones, will you love simplicity?” Important decisions are never simple.There are always important factors hidden beneath the surface that must besearchedoutandconsidered.

Presumption. In Proverbs 27:1, Solomon warns, “Do not boast abouttomorrowforyoudonotknowwhatadaymaybringforth.”Solomonistalkingabout the attitude and behavior of presumption. We presume that the same

conditionsandopportunitiesthatareinfrontofustodaywillremainavailabletousinthefuture—tomorrow,nextweek,ornextyear.Wenaivelyactonimpulse,presumingthatwe’llhavetomorrowtocorrectanymistakeswemaketoday.Wedon’tlookwellintoamatterbeforewemakethechoice,becausewecanalwayslook into it later. The fact is, however, we do not live in a static world.Everythingchangesmomentbymoment, andpresuming thatwewill have thesameopportunitiesorconditionstorespondtotomorrowthatwehavetodayisbothfoolishandnaive.

Misplacedtrust.Weoftenputmoretrustthanweshouldinpeoplewhomwe don’t know well. More often than not, people are less capable, lessexperienced, less competent, and less honest than they seem to be. Peoplealwaysputtheirbestfootforward,andweusuallymakejudgmentsoftheminamatterofminutesorseconds.Eachofmybad investmentdecisionswasbasedontakingindividualsatfacevalue,believingwhattheysaid.NoneofthesethreemendeservedtheleveloftrustIplacedinthem.Oneturnedouttobeaterriblydishonestperson,whiletheothertwowereoverlyoptimisticandnotqualifiedtomake the kind of forecasts theyweremaking. In each case, I trusted that theindividuals were honest and competent in their projections. If I had followedSolomon’sadmonitionandlookedwellintothematter,diggingdeeperintotheirpastachievementsandrepresentations,Iwouldnothaveplacedmytrustinthem.

Superficialappearances.Our response toapersonorasituation isoftenbased entirely upon appearances. A person may be charismatic or extremelypersonable,or abusinessopportunitymayappearextraordinaryat firstglance.But appearances almost never tell enough of the story to base any importantdecisionupon.Oneofmyinvestmentdecisionswasdrivenbyseeingaprototypeofanewproduct thathadbeenawardeddozensofpatents. Itappeared tobeatechnologicalbreakthroughofmonumentalproportions.WhatIdidn’tknowwasthatturningthislaboratoryprototypeintoaproductthatcouldbeeconomicallymanufacturedwould takeyears longerandcosthundredsofmillionsofdollars

more than the company’s executives projected. The company’s stock wentpublicat$21persharein1998.Todaythestocktradesat17centspershare.Somuchforappearances!

Laziness.Ournatural inclination is todoas littleaspossible togetwhatwewant.Thesameistrueinthedecision-makingprocess.“Lookingwellintoamatter” requires a lot more effort and creativity than simply accepting astatement or person at face value. Our only hope to counter our naturalinclination is to apply true diligence to our decisionmakingwheneverwe areconsideringanimportantcommitment.

Haste.Whenweareinahurrytomakeadecision,wewillusuallymakeitwithout taking enough time to look into thematter thoroughly. In each ofmyfoolishinvestmentdecisions,IwastoldbytheindividualsinvolvedthatImustact immediatelyorIwasgoingtomissoutontheextraordinaryopportunityathand. In Proverbs 21:5, Solomon warns, “But everyone who is hasty comessurely to poverty.” Haste is one of the most frequent forms of naivete. Howmanybadmarriagesbeganwithoneoftheindividualspressuringtheotheronetogetmarriedmorequickly thansheorhewanted?Whenpeoplepushyou tohurry,aredflagshouldgoup.Putonthebrakes;DON’Tletanyonepushyoutomakeanimportantdecisioninhaste.Insistontakingthetimetodigdeep,seekcounsel,andperformthelevelofdiligencenecessarytomakeawisedecision.

Narrowvision.Moreoftenthannot,ourvisionisfartoolimitedtomakethe best decision based only on our ownknowledge and experience. SolomoncautionsinProverbs15:22,“Withoutcounselplansarefrustrated,butwithmanycounselors they succeed.” To make important decisions without the aid ofoutsidecounselisnotonlynaive,it’sfoolish.Bybringingintheexpertopinionandcounsel ofothers,we radically expandour fieldofvision andbecome farmorequalifiedtomakeawisedecision.

Integrity.Unfortunately,Iamconvincedthatthemorehonestapersonis,

thegreaterhisorherinclinationtobenaive.Why?Honestpeopleneverthinkoflying,stealing,ordefraudingsomeoneoftheirlifesavings.Suchthoughtsaresoforeign to their character they can’t imagine anyone else doing such things tothem.PatBooneand Ihavebeen friends fornearly threedecades.Weused tokideachotheraboutwhichoneofuswasmorenaive.Neitheroneofuswouldeverthinkofswindlingpeopleoutoftheirhard-earnedsavings,sowecouldn’timagine anyone doing it to us.And yet it’s happened to both of us toomanytimes.Myfather-in-law isoneof themosthonestmen Ihaveeverknown.Asone of IBM’s most successful salesmen, he was personally recruited by theownersofasmallercomputercompany.TheytoldhimthattheywouldpayhimmuchhighercommissionsthanhewasreceivingfromIBM.Hehadnoreasontodoubt their word, because he himself would never make a promise that hewouldn’tkeep.Besides,thesemenwereactivemembersofhischurch.Sohelefta twenty-year career with IBM without looking well into the matter. Hedeliveredatremendousamountofbusinesstohisnewemployer,buttheyneverpaidhimthecommissionstheyhadpromised.Hewasshocked.Howcouldtheowners lie soboldly?Hishonestyhadmadehim too trustingofmenheknewlittleaboutandkepthimfromfeelingtheneedtocheckouttheirbackgrounds.

Greed.Sometimeswe’resoanxioustoacquiresomethingthatwewanttobelieve whatever we are told, hoping this opportunity could be our winninglotteryticket.Ineachofmyinvestments,Iwantedtobelievetheprojectionsoftheoptimisticindividualsandtoignoreallofthewarningsfromtheskepticsonthe sidelines.Eachwas a chance tomultiplymymoneymany timesover.Myfocuswasblindedbygreed,anotherreasonIdidn’tlookwellintothematter.

Arrogance.Oneof thegreatest sourcesofnaivete isarrogance.Arrogantpeopleoftenthinkthey’resmarterthaneveryoneelse.Theydon’tfeeltheyneedtoseekoutsidecounselorperformduediligence—theyalreadyknowwhattheyneed to know. Solomon said, “Pride goes before destruction, and an arrogantspirit before a fall.” Sooner or later, arrogant people are blindsided by their

arrogance.

Wrongpriorities.Sometimesapersonchoosesnottolookindepthintoamatter before making an important decision, because they don’t think duediligence is that important. Theywould rather spend their timewatching TV,surfing the Internet, playing golf, or doing hundreds of other things of lessconsequence.Becausetheydon’trealizethepotentialcostoftheirnaivete,theynevermakeovercomingitapriority.

TheSolution

Solomon’ssolution tonaivete isoneof themostsimplisticprescriptions inhiswritings.He challenges us to “lookwell into thematter” beforewemake anyimportant decision. In Chapter 2, we looked at the attribute of diligence—“looking well into a matter,” bringing all of the elements of diligence intoyourdecision-makingprocess.Diligenceislikeagiantfloodlight:turniton,andnaivete’sdarknessdisappears.

Somepeoplefearthattheywillinsultothersbyperformingduediligence.They fear a person might ask, “Don’t you trust me?” If that happens, yourresponseshouldbe“Youhaven’tgivenmeanyreasonnottotrustyou,soIdotrusteverythingIknowaboutyou.ButIneverwanttomakeafoolishmistake,and to avoid such mistakes I always follow a simple rule: Look well into amatterbeforeImakeanyimportantdecision.Sothat’swhatIdo,nomatterwhoI’m dealing with.” If a person is truly honest, they will respect yourthoroughnessandwelcomeanydue-diligenceeffortsyouundertake.

Don’tBeNaiveWhenItComestoMakingWrongChoices

In Proverbs 22:3, Solomon warns us, “The prudent sees the evil and hideshimself,But thenaivegoon,andarepunishedfor it.”Mostpeoplerarelyfindthemselvesinunethicalorillegalsituationsbysurprise.Usually,theyseeared

oryellowflagor twofirst.At thatpoint, theyhaveachoice.Solomon tellsusthatawisemanwillturnaway.Thosewhoarenaive,however,seetheredflag,feela twinge in theirconscience,and thenchoose tokeepmoving in thesamedirection.ThiswaslikelythecasewithexecutivesatEnron,WorldCom,Tyco,Anderson,andHealthSouth.Theysawtheredflagsandeachoneofthemmadea choice. If there were any wise men among them, they would have turnedaround and looked for another job. Unfortunately, most made the oppositechoice.Asaresult,theylosttheirjobsandreputations,andsomemayultimatelylosetheirfreedom.Andthesewereregardedasamongthemostintelligentandsuccessfulpeopleinthecorporateworld.

They’renotalone.Howmanywomenandmenseeredflagsgoupinnewrelationshipswhen they are asked to do things that violate their conscience—drugs,alcohol,infidelity?Theyseetheflags,feelthetwingeofconscience,andthenhavetomakeachoice:“DoIturnaround,ordoIkeepongoing?”I’vebeentoldbymarriagecounselorsthatmostvictimsofdomesticviolenceexperiencedoneormoreinstancesofphysicalabusefromtheirmatebeforetheygotmarried.Theysaw the red flagbutnaivelykeptwith the relationshipall theway to thealtar.Twentythousandlivesarelosteachyearfromaccidentscausedbydrunkdriverswhochose tocontinuedrinkingeven thoughtheyknewtheyshouldn’t.Whentheysteppedintotheircar,theyknewtheyshouldn’tbedriving;yettheymadeachoiceandkeptongoing.

ThereIsaWayThatSeemsRight...

Solomonwarns thatwecanchoose togodownpaths thatseemrightbutturn out to be wrong. The cause?We have failed to bring diligence into ourdecisionmaking.InProverbs14:12,hesays,“Thereisawaythatseemsrighttoaman, but in the end it leads to death.”Diligently looking into amatterwillensurethatdoesn’thappen.

In Proverbs 14:18, Solomon tells us, “The simple inherit folly, but the

prudentarecrownedwithknowledge.”Inotherwords,onlythosewholookwellintomatters before theymake important choices will be rewarded. Instead ofgainingareputationasafool,they’llberewardedwithareputationasonewhoiswise.

Howtomakewisechoices.

Don’tDenyYourNaivete.ChoosetoLookWellintoMatters.Acceptthatyournaturalinclinationindecisionmakingwillalwaysbetotakethepathofthelazyornaive.Makethechoicetoproactivelylookwellintomattersbeforeyoumakeimportantdecisions.

SeekOutsideCounsel.OverandoveragaininProverbs,Solomoncautionsustoseekoutsidecounsel.InProverbs11:14,hesays,“Wherenocounselis,thepeoplefall.Butinamultitudeofcounselors,thereissafety”;inProverbs15:22,hesays,“Withoutcounselplansarefrustrated.Butwithmanycounselors, theysucceed.”Laterhewrites,“Everypurposeisestablishedbycounsel.”Hisadviceisclear,hiswisdomundeniable.Followit.

Without the counsel of my business partners, I never would havesucceeded in business.Without the counsel ofDr.Gary Smalley, Iwould nothave the wonderful marriage that I now enjoy. And without the counsel ofSolomon,Icouldnothopeforlastingsuccessorhappiness.

ChooseYourFriendsandAssociatesWisely.InProverbs13:20,Solomonwrites, “He thatwalkswithwisemen shall becomewise.But a companionoffools shall bedestroyed.”Whomyou choose to associatewithor partnerwithcanmakeyouorbreakyou.Youcanbeafriendtoanyone.Butyoushouldbecarefulaboutwhomyoupartnerwithorattachyourselftoinanysignificantway.Lookataperson’swisdomandintegrity.Besensitivetoanyredflagsthatwouldwarn you of dishonesty. Look atwhat their priorities are and how they ordertheir lives.Howdotheytreat theirparents,spouse,siblings,orchildren?What

dotheyvaluemost?Don’tletyourselfbecomethecompanionoffools.

BeingPrudentIsaChoiceYouMustMakeEveryDay

Beingprudentisadecisionthatneedstobemadeeverytimeyoufaceanimportantdecision inanyareaofyour life.Whetheryouare facingabusinessdecision,afinancialdecision,orapersonaldecision,choosefirst to“lookwellintothematter.”Ifyoumakethatchoice,andapplythestepswe’vediscussed,youwillmakewisedecisionsthatwillbringyoutremendousrewards.Ifyoudonot,yournaturaltendencywillleadyoudownthepathofthenaive,apaththatleadstodisappointmentandfailure.

KnowledgetoWisdom

1.List twoormoredecisions thatyouconsider tohavebeenmajormistakes (personal, business, or financial). For example: a majorpurchase,abadinvestment,takingthewrongjoborquittingtherightone,afailureinmarriageorparenting.

2.Whichofthefollowingcausesofnaivetewerecontributingfactorsinthosedecisions?

___Oversimplification

___Presumption

___Misplacedtrust

___Laziness

___Superficialappearances

___Haste

___Narrowvision

___Integrity

___Greed

___Arrogance

___Wrongpriorities

3. What could you have done differently in your decision-makingprocess thatwouldhaveenabledyou to“lookwell into thematter”andmakeabetterdecision?

4. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and overagainandexpectingdifferentresults.Whatcanyoudodifferentlyinyour future decision making that will ensure choices that reflectwisdomratherthannaivete?

5.Listanyimportantdecisionsthatyouarecurrentlyfacingorexpecttobefacinginthenearfuture.

6.Foreachofthosedecisions,writeaparagraphaboutwhatyouwilldoinyourdecision-makingprocesstoensurethatyouwillmakethebestdecisionpossible.

CHAPTER13

TheSingleBiggestCauseofFinancialLoss

Soarethewaysofeveryonethatisgreedyofgain;whichtakesawaythelifeoftheownersthereof.

—PROVERBS1:19

POPQUIZ

TRUEORFALSE:___Richpeoplearegreedierthanpoorandmiddle-incomepeople.

___Themoremoneyapersonmakes,themoregreedytheyarelikelytobe.

___Greedisnotanissueinmylife.

Whenwethinkofgreed,wealwaysthinkabout it inrelationtootherpeople,rather than ourselves. We picture the character Scrooge in Dickens’s AChristmas Carol. The fact is, the seeds of greed are present in every humanheart.Insomepeople,theseseedssubtlytakerootandgraduallyinfluencemoreandmoreofourdecisions,preventingusfromachievingwhatwevaluemost.Inothers,theygrowintogiantweedsthatchokethejoyoutoftheirlives.ThegoodnewsisthatSolomonshowsushowwecanpreventgreedfromtakingrootandinfluencingorcontrollingourlives.

First, let’s get a clearer picture of howSolomon defines greed.Did youanswer True to any of the questions in the pop quiz above? By Solomon’sdefinition,therightanswertoallofthequestionsinthequizisFalse.

WhatDoYouWant,andHowBadlyDoYouWantIt?

Greedisnotjustaboutmoney.Althoughgreedcancertainlydriveone’spursuitofrichesandmaterialpossessions,greedisanattitudethatcandriveanynumberof behaviors. Solomonused twoHebrewwords to describe greed.Onemeans“todeeplyyearnorlongforsomething”;theotherimplieswantingsomethingsobadly that you arewilling to violate the rights of others to get it. Combiningthese twowords gives us a fuller picture ofwhat Solomonmeans.Greed is adeeplongingforsomethingthatcreatesawillingnesstodowhateverittakestoacquireit.Inotherwords,greedisnotdefinedbywhatyouwant,butratherbyhowbadlyyouwantit.

Apersoncanbegreedy in justaboutany imaginablearea: thepursuitofpoweror recognition, thepursuit of love, thepursuit of sexual fulfillment, thepursuitofleisureorahobby.Butinoursociety,themostvisibleformofgreedisthepursuitofwealth.

GREED is a deep longing for something that drives us to thepointthatwearewillingtodowhateverittakestoacquireit.

GreedCanGrowLikeaCancerMichaelLandonwasoneofmydearestfriendsinHollywood.Hewaskindandgeneroustomeinwaysthatarerarelyseenintheentertainmentindustry.IhadthehonoroffilmingMike’slastproject.Aweekbeforeourshoot,hetookmeintohisnewhomegym.WhenIaskedhowhewasfeeling,hereplied,“Steve,I’veneverfeltbetter.I’minthebestshapeofmylife.”Fourweekslater,hewasrushedtoanemergencyroomwithsevereabdominalpain.Afewdayslater,hewasdiagnosedwithterminalpancreaticandlivercancer.Unlikemoreaggressivecancers,pancreaticcancergrowsslowlyforyearsbeforeitproducesanynoticeablesymptoms.Infact,it

usuallybecomessymptomaticonlyinitsfinalstage.Mikediedwithinthreemonthsofhisdiagnosis.Myfather,ontheotherhand,wasdiagnosedwithaveryaggressivetypeoflungcancer.Dad’scancerwassymptomaticwithinafewmonthsofitsonset.Hediedsevenmonthsafteritwasdiagnosed.

Greedcangrowlikeeitheroneof thesecancers—aggressiveandobviousfrom the start, ormore subtly and unnoticed until it’s inflicted a terrible loss.That is how greed crept into my life. I was persuaded to make three badinvestmentdecisionsduetomynaivete.However, thereasonIwassusceptibletotheoptimisticpitchesofthosewhotookmymoneywasthatIwasgreedy—Iwanted tomakea lotofmoneyquickly.Bythe timeI recognizedmygreed, itwastoolate;mylifesavingshadvanished.

DoYouGiveIntoGreed?

If I were to ask you if you have a problem with greed, you would probablyanswerno andpass a lie-detector test.Yet greedmaybe subtly taking root inyour heart. The fact that it hasn’t yet produced an alarming symptom or adevastatingconsequencedoesnotmeanthatitisabsentorbenign.Ifyoudon’ttake preventative or correctivemeasures, sooner or later itmayultimately robyouofwhatyouvaluemost.

TheConsequencesofGreed1.Itcanstealyourlifeaway.WhenIfirstsawSolomon’swarninginProverbs1:19,thatgreedcouldtakeawaythelifeofthepersonwhopossessesit,Ithoughtitwastalkingaboutlifeonlyfiguratively.Afterall,Ihaveknowncountlessmenandwomenwhoseliveswerebestcharacterizedbygreed,andinnearlyeverycase,theirliveswerealsocharacterizedbythingslikeemptiness,lackofpurpose,unhappiness,turmoil,andconflict.Inowrealizethatgreedcantakeone’slifeliterallyaswell.Oneofmyformerpartnersleft

ourcompanyandmademillionsofdollarsinanumberofbusinesspursuits.Hehadabeautifulwifeandwonderfulchildren,buthisgreedrobbedhimofallofhisjoyandfulfillment.Whenhisbusinesscollapsedandbankruptcythreatened,hewentintohisgarageandtookhislife.

2.Itcandestroyyourfinancialsecurity.InProverbs28:22,Solomontellsusthatthepersonwhotriestohurriedlygetrichwillinsteadendupinpoverty.“Hethathastenstoberichhasanevileye,andconsidersnotthatpovertyshallcomeuponhim.”For those focusedongetting rich,Solomonsays, richeswill“sproutwingsandflyofflikeaneagle.”

3. It can affect your loved ones. If you’re like me, I’m sure there areplenty of times when you have thought to yourself, “What I’m doing ismybusiness. It has nothing to dowithmy parents,mywife, ormy kids.”But inProverbs15:27,Solomonwarns,“He that isgreedyofgainbrings trouble intohisownhouse.”There isno such thingasyour“own”business.Whatyoudoaffectseveryoneyoucareabout.And itdoesn’tmatter if thatgreedforgain isfinancial,material,orforanappetiteoranaddiction.Inbusiness,wemaystartout with good intentions. We simply want to make more money so we canprovide a better life for our families.But, as the seeds of greed take root,webegintopursueourcareerswithsuchintensity thatweneglect theveryfamilywewantedtoprovidewiththatbetterlife.

4. It can bankrupt you spiritually. In Proverbs 13:7, Solomon writes,“There is he thatmakes himself rich, yet has nothing.”Anyonewho has readHowardHughes’sbiographyhasaclearpictureofthistruth.Hewasdrivenbyhisgreedforwealth,power,fame,andlove.Hewasproclaimedtherichestmanin theworld, andyet hehadnothing: no lastinghappiness, no fulfillment, notevensecurity.You,too,mayacquirewhateveryouaregreedyfor;butSolomonpromisesthatevenwhenyouacquireit,youwillhavenothingofvalue.

5.Itcanstealyourhappinessandreasonforliving.Atfirst,youjustwantalittlebitmore.Thenyouwantalittlebitmore.Atfirstyou’rethinkingaboutitonceinawhile.Thenyou’rethinkingaboutiteveryday,butjustalittlebiteachday.Soonitdominatesyourfocusalldaylong.Youcan’tbehappyorfulfilledbecauseyour focus isonwhatyoudon’thave.You losewhatused tobeyourpurpose for livingbecauseyour life isnowcenteredonchasingwhatyou stilllack.That’sthenatureofgreed.

6.Itcanstealyourintegrity.InProverbs28:20,Solomonstates,“Buthethatmakeshaste to be rich shall not be innocent.”Greed is never patient. It’salways in ahurry toget thatwhich it covets. It creates the attitude“Iwant asmuch as I can get and I want it now!” It fuels your natural drive for instantgratification.Intheirquesttoacceleratetheirwealth,peoplebecomewillingtodothatwhichisunethical,immoral,orillegaltoacquiremore.There’snothinginherentlywrongindesiringmore.Butwhenthatdesirebecomesourfocus,orcausesustosetasideourpriorities,values,orethics,ithasbecomegreed.

7.Itcreatesafalsesenseofsecurity.InProverbs11:28,Solomonwrites,“He that trusts in his riches shall fall.” Unfortunately, the more money onemakes,themorelikelyheistobecomearrogant.Hebeginstothinkhecangetawaywithmoreandmore.Hetakesmorerisks.Andwhenhefalls,hefallshard.

DetectingGreedinItsEarlyStagesRemember,greedisn’tdefinedbywhatyouwantbutratherbythelengthsyouwillgotogetit.Norisgreedjustthedesireformoneyormaterialthings.Greedcantakecontrolofanydesireinourlives:achievement,love,sex,alcohol,wealth,ormaterialpossessions.Greedtransformsournaturaldesiresintoaconsumingdriveformore,regardlessofourbestinterestsorthebestinterestsofothers.Tokeepitfromgainingacontrollingfootholdinourlives,weneedtolookforthesymptomsthatwillalertustoitspresence.

Earlywarningsymptomsofgreed

Coveting.Allofusseethingsthatothershaveandfeelamomentarydesireto have them, too. That’s perfectly natural.Coveting, on the other hand, is astrong and persistent desire or craving for something that you don’t have. Itbecomesafocusofyourthoughtsanddesires.Acquiringitultimatelybecomesapriorityinyourlife,deferringorreplacingmoreimportantpriorities.

More,more,more.Asyouachieveyourgoalsandacquirethethingsyouwant, insteadofbeinggratefulforwhatyouhave,yourfocuskeepsshiftingtowhat you don’t have. You find that you have lots of desires but little lastingcontentmentorjoy.

Hurry,hurry.Whateveryou’rechasingafter,youcan’tgetitfastenough.Rather thanpatientlypursuingwhatyouwantandworking toearn it,youfindyourself looking for shortcuts to obtain it faster. Today, people take onextraordinary credit-card debt because they want so much before they canlegitimatelyaffordit.

Closingyoureyestocompromise.Whenyoufindyourselfcontemplatingcompromisingyourvaluesor integrity toachievewhatyouwantmorequicklythanwouldotherwisebelikely,youknowthatgreedisovertakingyou.Bythetimeyouareactuallycompromisingyourvalues,itistoolate.Thegoodnewsisthat onceyou’re awareofyour tendency towardgreed, you canhit thebrakesandreversecourse.

More turbulence. If you find yourself experiencingmore conflict, moreadversity, andmore problems in general in your life, think about your focus.Whenourfocuscontinuallyshiftstowhatwedon’thave,wecreateturbulenceinour livesandthe livesof thosearoundus.That turbulencecanbeasignal thatgreedisovertakingourlives.

HowGreedGainsaFootholdinOurHearts

When I graduated from college, I had no financial goals and almost nodriveformaterialthings.Isimplywantedtosucceedinmycareerandbeabletoprovide themodestmaterialneedsofmyfamily.By the timemysecondchildwasborn,Iwasdeepindebtandbarelymakingenoughmoneytopayourbills.Aftermanyfailures,Istartedanewbusinesswithmypartners.Itwasanexcitingtime.BeforeIknewit,myfocushadshiftedfrommyfamilylifetomakingourbusiness successful. Iwas traveling 160 days a year,working on project afterproject.Then160daysturnedinto230days.Byourtenthyearinbusiness,Iwasspendingnearly300daysayearon the road. Iwasn’tworkingsohardfor themoneyor formaterial possessions.Mygreedwas for creatingmore andmoresuccessfulprojects.Ilovedmywork.Butintheprocess,Isacrificedmyfamily.I couldhave sworn Iwasn’tgreedy,becausemoneywasn’tmy focus.But thetruth is, Iwasgreedy—forachievementand thepraiseandappreciationofmypartners.

Greedcaninfectanygoal.Itcanevendistortyourrelationshipswithyourspouse or your children—through possessiveness (wanting more time andattentionthananotherpersonisabletogiveyou).

CanIAchieveExtraordinarySuccessWithoutBeingGreedy?

Youmaybethinking,“Now,waitaminute.ThereasonIboughtthisbookwastolearnSolomon’ssecretsforachievinggreatersuccessandwealth.”Well,you can achieve extraordinary success and increase your wealth by usingSolomon’ssecrets.There’snothingwrongorimmoralaboutwantingtoachievesuccess. It becomes immoral onlywhen that desire is colored by greed. Truesuccess is a natural by-product of Solomon’s wisdom on diligence,communication,partnering,andtheothersubjectsI’vecoveredinthisbook.Thekeyiskeepingyoureffortstosucceedintherightperspective.Beonthealertforwarningsymptomsofgreed;seekthecounselofotherswhocareaboutyouand

yourfamily.Doingsowillenableyoutokeepgreedfromgainingafootholdinyourheartandinyourlife.

Solomon’sGuidelinesforAchievingSuccessWithoutGreedSolomonoffersseveralguidelinesforacquiringsuccessandwealth.

Focus on achievement rather thanmoney.What do you reallywant toachievewithyour life,your family,yourcareer,oraparticular joborproject?Whenyouknowwhatyouwanttoachieve,thenit’ssimplyamatterofapplyingwhatyou’velearnedaboutdiligenceandtheotherstrategieswe’vediscussed.InProverbs14:23,Solomonwrote,“Inalllaborthereisprofit.Butmeretalkleadsonly topoverty.” If youapply truediligence toyour labor in anyproject, youwillexperiencesignificantsuccessmostof the time—as longasyourdriveforachievementdoesn’tcauseyoutosetasideanyofyourmoreimportantvaluesorpriorities.

Useyourlabortoachievefinancialsuccess,ratherthanchasingwealthinotherpursuits.Solomonsaysinall laborthereisprofit.Hetellsustobringdiligenceandexcellenceintoourlabor.Mylaborismarketing.WarrenBuffett’slaborisinvesting.Ihavemadealotofmoneythroughmyworkandlostalotofmoneybytryingtomakemoneyinfieldsoutsideofmyfieldofexpertise.Ifyoubring diligence and excellence into your labors, youwillmakemoney. If youapplySolomon’swisdomtospending(limitingyourdebttoappreciatingassets),then your savingswill grow. If you apply hiswisdom to investing (seeking amultitudeofcounselorsandnottryingtogetrichquick),thenyourinvestmentswillgrowatasignificantrate.

Don’ttrytogetrich.Solomonclearlyteachesusnot tosetourfocusongetting rich.Doingso is thequickestway togobroke. InProverbs23:4–5,hewrites,“Donotwearyourselfouttogetrich;havethewisdomtoshowrestraint.Castbutaglanceatriches,andtheyaregone,fortheywillsurelysproutwings

andflyofftotheskylikeaneagle.”ThetimesI’veinvestedinprojectswiththeintentofgettingrich,I’velostmyinvestment.Ontheotherhand,whenIhavekeptmyfocusonachievinggoalsthroughmylabor,I’vehadmoresuccessthanIcouldhaveeverimagined.Everyonewantstowinalottery.Everyonewantstoget rich with as little effort as possible. But for every one out of 50 millionpeoplewhoholdawinninglotteryticket,thereare49,999,999whothrowtheirtickets(andmoney)inthetrash.Thesameistruewithget-rich-quickschemes.For everywinner, there aremillions of losers. On the other hand, 100 out ofevery 100 people who apply diligence and excellence to their labor willultimately succeed.Although it involves a lotmore effort, I like those odds awholelotbetter.

Howtoovercomegreed.

Howcanweremovegreedoncewe’vebeenaffectedbyit?

Setyourfocusongivinggenerouslytoothersinneed.InProverbs21:26,Solomon says, “The righteous gives and spares not.” Generosity is both thevaccineandtheantidotetogreed.Thefastestwaytoeliminategreedfromyourlife is tomake a concentrated effort to give toothers.Youdon’t have towaituntilyou’rerichtobecomegenerous.Youcanbegenerouswithyourtime,yourkindness, your words of encouragement, your labor, and whatever money ormaterialpossessionsyouhave.RickWarren,theauthorofThePurpose-DrivenLife,whenaskedwhathewasdoingwiththemillionsofdollarsinroyaltieshewasreceivingfromthesalesofhisbook,saidthefirst thinghedidwastopaybackthetwentyyearsofwageshischurchhadpaidhim.Heandhiswifewere“reverse tithers,” meaning they were keeping 10 percent for themselves andgiving90percentoftheroyaltiestoacharitytheyestablishedtomeettheneedsof others throughout the world. But his giving began long before hismegasuccessfulbook.Hisnextstatementwaswhatimpressedmethemost.Hesaidthatwhenhefirstbecamethepastorofhischurch,heandhiswifeagreed

thattheywouldgive10percentoftheirincometotheneedsofothers,andthatevery year theywould increase their charitable giving by an extra percentagepoint.After ten years, theywere giving 20 percent of their income to charity,andafter twentyyears theyweregiving30percent.And thatwasonachurchpastor’ssalary,beforehisbooktookoff.

Stopchasingriches.InProverbs23:7,Solomontellsus,“Asamanthinksinhisheart,soishe.”Ifyourthoughtsandemotionsarefocusedongettingrich,then you will become infected by greed. Instead, let your thoughts focus onachievementandongenerouslymeetingthegenuineneedsofothers.

Don’tBeFooledbytheNatureofGreed

A friend of mine once told me a tragic story from his childhood. Hismothertookhimtoatravelingcircusthathadcometotown.Herecalledhowasnake trainer stepped into a cage with a giant python. As he had donemanytimesbefore, the trainerstoodmotionlessas thepythonbegan towraphimselfaroundhisbody.Then,toeverybody’shorror,thesnakebegantoconstrict.Thetrainer’sfacialexpressiontoldthecrowdthatsomethingwasterriblywrong.Hecouldn’tscream,becausetheairwasbeingsqueezedoutofhislungs.Thenthecrowdheardhisbonesbeginningtocrack.Bythetimeothertrainershadmovedinto the cage, the trainerwasdead.My friend askedme, “Doyouknowwhatmistake the snake trainer made?” When I shook my head no, he said, “Hethoughthehadtamedthesnake.Butyoucannotchangethesnake’snature.”

Thesameistruewithgreed.Wethinkthatwecancontrolalittlegreedinourlives,butwecan’t.Wecan’ttakethegreedoutofgreed.Letitgainalittlefootholdinour life,anditwillultimatelystealyour life—eitherfigurativelyorliterally.

KnowledgetoWisdom

DETECTINGTHESEEDSOFGREEDINYOURLIFE

1.Lookforanyofthefollowingwarningsymptomsofgreedinyourlife.

___Doyoucovetwhatotherpeoplehave?

___Nomatterwhatyouget,doyousoonwantmore?

___Doyoufindyourselfinahurrytogetwhatyouwant?

___Doyoucompromiseyourpriorities,values,orethicstogetwhatyouwant?

___Areyouexperiencinglesscontentmentandfulfillment?

___Areyouexperiencingmoreturbulenceinyourpursuitsorinlifeingeneral?

2.Doyouhaveaproblemwithgreedin:___Yourjoborcareer?

___Yourinvestmentorsavingsefforts?

___Yourdesiretoacquirethings?

___Yourrelationships?

___Yourleisureactivitiesorhobbies?

3.Describethespecificactionsyoucantaketoturnawayfromgreed.

4.Doyouusecreditcardstopurchasenon-necessitiesbeforeyoucanaffordthem?

5.Whatshouldyoudotostopbuyingnon-necessitiesbeforeyoucantrulyaffordthem?

CHAPTER14

DefeatingtheEnemyofHappinessandSuccess

Pridegoesbeforedestruction,andanarrogantspiritbeforeafall.

—PROVERBS16:18

TheAttitudeThatPrecedesaFallTheoneattitudethatcancausethemostdevastatingconsequencesinbothyourpersonalandbusinesslifeispride,alsoreferredtoasarroganceorconceit.Itisanattitudewhoseseedsarepresentwithinallofus.Ithasdestroyedthelivesofindividuals,unraveledfamilies,underminedcorporations,andevencausedthefallofentirenations.Itcancreepintoone’sspiritalmostunnoticed,oritcancomeuponapersonsuddenly,likeatsunamiuponaquietcoastalvillage.Itisanattitudethatallofusmustdealwiththroughoutourlives.Weconfrontiteverydayinonewayoranother.Whenrecognizedanddealtwith,itcanbekeptincheck,itsdestructivepowerneutralized.Whenignoredornurtured,itcangrowlikeacancer.

One of the most anticipated and highly viewed events of the WinterOlympicsisthewomen’sfigureskatingfinals.In2002,MichelleKwanwasthereigningWorldChampion and the odds-on favorite forwinning.Themorningbefore the event, Katie Couric conducted an interview withMichelle on TheTodayShow,askingherwhyshehadendedher relationshipwithher longtimecoach prior to the Olympic Games. Michelle told Katie that she wanted theworld to know she couldwin on her own,without the help of a coach.Katiepointedout thatMichellewasgoing to haveher father in theplacewhereher

coachwouldhavebeen.Michelleanswered,“Yes,butnotasacoach.He’sjustgoingtobethereforemotionalsupport.”

At thatmoment, I turned tomywifeandsaid,“She’snotgoing towin!”“Whydoyousaythat?”Shannonreplied.“Becausepridehasbecomethebasisof her decision . . . she’s going to have a fall.”Michellewanted theworld toknow that sheandshealonewouldbe the reason forherwin,nothercoach’sstrategyorcoachingskills.Sadly,asIpredicted,thatnight,inthemidstofoneof themost importanteventsofher life,Michellefell.Andthecrownjewelofhercareer,anOlympicGoldMedal,waslost.

The same night, I watched a sixteen-year-old U.S. skater named SarahHughespreparetotakeherturnontheice.Inoticedsheandhercoachengagedinlast-minuteconversation.Isawhowintentlyshelookedintohercoach’seyes,taking in everyword. She nodded, smiled brightly, and skated into the arena.“Watchthis,”Itoldmywife.“She’sgoingtogivetheperformanceofherlife.”Shannonasked,“Howdoyouknow?”“Lookhowhumblesheis.She’ssoakingup her coach’s advice like a sponge. She doesn’t think she has a chance ofwinning,sothepressure’soff.She’sjustgoingtogooutthere,haveagoodtimedoingwhat she lovesmost, and try to perform like never before.”And that’sexactly what she did. In fact, she performed a move—a quadruple jump—sodifficult that no woman skater had attempted it before in a competition. Shepulleditoffflawlessly—notjustonce,buttwice.AndtheGoldwashers.

I tell this story not as a criticism of Michelle Kwan. She is a WorldChampionmanytimesoverandoneoftheworld’sall-timegreatfigureskaters.Ishareitbecausetome,Michelle’sactionsprovidedavividpictureofprideanditsconsequences,whileSarah’sbehaviorshowedtherewardsofhumility.Allofusstrugglewithpride.Ihavelostmillionsofdollarsandexperiencedagonizingpersonalandbusinessfailuresbecauseprideandarrogancecoloredmythinking.

Prideisoftensubtle;wedon’tevenknowwe’rebeinginfluencedbyit.It

was pride that was behind Solomon’s downfall. In spite of unlimited power,wealth, and wisdom, he lost nearly everything he valued because of pride.Solomonknewthatpridecouldbringabouthisdownfall.Hewrote,“Pridegoesbefore destruction and an arrogant spirit before a fall.” Yet pride is such acunningandimplacableenemythatevenwhenyouknowitsdestructivepower,youcansuccumbtoitsseductivecall.

Fast-forwardnearly2,800years.ThestatementmostoftenusedbyinsidersandvendorstodescribetheexecutivesofEnronwas“extremearrogance.”Thatarrogance cost the life of one executive, the destruction of the reputations ofothers,thejobsandlifesavingsofthousandsofemployees,andthelossoftensofbillionsofdollarsbytheirinvestors,creditors,andsuppliers.Treatingprideasa common and relatively harmless social gaffe is as foolish as mistaking adeadlyebolavirusforthecommoncold.

YouCan’tBeatanEnemyYouDon’tUnderstandWhatdoesSolomonmeanbythewords“arrogance”and“pride”?Hedoesn’tmeantheemotionyoufeelwhenyoursonordaughterscoresthewinninggoalinasoccermatch.He’stalkingaboutatransformationthattakesplaceinourheart.TheHebrewwordisderivedfromawordthatmeans“swollen”or“high.”Aproudorarrogantpersonhasaswollenego.Heorshethinkstheyarebetterthanothers,moredeservingthanothers.Hetendstobelievethatheissolelyresponsibleforwhathehasachieved.Hetakescreditforthegoodthingsinhislifeandblamesothersforthebadthings.

Prideisnotlimitedtoanyeconomicorsocialclass.It’sfoundamongtherich and the poor, the educated and the uneducated. Its root cause is self-centeredness.Wewant tobe theultimateauthorityofour life.Deepdownwewanteveryoneelsetomeetallofourneeds,desires,andexpectations.Weactas

ifourneeds,desires,andexpectationsaremoreimportantthanthoseofothers.Askahundredpeople,“Doyousuccumbtoprideorarroganceinyourlife?”andatleastninety-ninewillanswerno.Thetragedyis,ifyoudon’tthinkyouhaveaproblemwithpride,thenyouwilldonothingtoovercomeitsinfluenceinyourlife.

TheConsequencesofPrideNohopeforlastinghappiness.InProverbs26:12,Solomonwrote,“Seestthouamanwiseinhisownconceit?Thereismorehopeforafool.”Inotherwords,apersonwhoseconceitmakeshimthinkthatheisbetterorsmarterthanheishaslesshopeofgaininganythingoftrueworthinlifethanafool.

When I set aside the advice ofmy counselors and the peoplewho caredaboutmetomakethosebadinvestmentdecisions,whatspurredmeonwasmygreed. But underneath that was arrogance. I set their counsel aside because IthoughtIknewbetterthaneverybodyelse.Thatispride,throughandthrough.

Conflict.Ifyouareinarelationshipinwhichargumentsseemtobreakoutover nothing, it should be a tip-off that either you or the other person has aproblemwithpride.According toSolomon,aproudpersondoesn’t justattractcontention, he or she causes it. “He that is of a proud heart stirs up strife.”Solomonwentsofarastosaythatprideistheprimarysourceofcontention.Thepersonruledbyprideisvalidatedonlywhenothersagreewithhisorherpointofview. He sees disagreement as a personal affront to his esteem. As aconsequence, any disagreement must be attacked. If you find yourself beingargumentative,thenit’stimetoconsiderthepartprideplaysinyourattitudeandbehavior.

A downfall. In Proverbs 18:12, Solomon warns, “Before his downfall aman’sheartisproud.”WhenIwasseventeen,theAirForcesentmeandelevenother Civil Air Patrol cadets to a program in which we would learn to fly a

sailplane(glider).Intheearlydaysofthecourse,thefourinstructorpilotsplacedbetsonwhichoneofthemwouldhavethefirststudenttoflysolo.Inhishastetowin the bet, my instructor, early in my training, jumped out of my glider,slammeddownthecanopy,andsignaledthetowplanetotakemeintotheairformyfirst solo flight.Knowing that Iwasnot ready, Iwasextremelyhumble inmyapproachtothatflight,executingeachstageoftheflightwithextremecare.Myflightwasagreatsuccess,andmyinstructorwonthewager.Laterthatday,aftermostoftheotherstudentshadsoloed,therewastimeforonemoreflight.Iwasquicktojumpintotheglider,thinkingIwasnowreadyforanything.Prideswelledmy head and blurredmy vision. Initially, the flightwentwell—Iwasabletonavigatethethermals(risingcolumnsofair)fornearlyforty-fiveminutesonaflightthatshouldhavelastedonlyfifteen.Unfortunately,inmyarrogance,Iflew too far away from the airfield and became lost and disoriented. Becauseglidershavenoengine,yougodownwhen the thermalsdisappear,and there’snothingyoucandoaboutit.Iendeduplandingmorethanamileawayfromthefieldandwashumiliatedbymyinstructorinfrontoftheentirecorpsofcadets.Itwas justoneofmanydownfalls inmy life that followedwhenpridegovernedmythinking.

Inmybusiness,Ihaveproducedanumberofmarketingcampaignsthatwerefertointheindustryas“grand-slamhomeruns”—projectsthathaveproducedhundreds of millions of dollars in sales. Sometimes those projects have beenfollowedbyprojectsthatweregiantlosers.Why?Becausemyhomerunsoftenresultedinarrogance,whichledtothefailuresthatfollowed.

Disgrace and humiliation. In Proverbs 11:2, Solomon writes that whenpriderearsitshead,“thencomesdisgrace.”“Aman’spridewillbringhimlow,”he claims. Can you imagine the disgrace and depression that comewhen youlose your life savings because you went against the advice of everyone youadmire and love? Can you imagine your feelings when you’ve pushed yourpartnerstogoforwardwithaprojecttowhichtheycommitthousandsofhours

andinvestmillionsofdollars,onlytoseeitfail?TheseareafewofthethingsIhave experienced as a result ofmy arrogance. I could give youmany others.Humility or humiliation. Solomon gives us a simple choice. In any givensituation,wecanlethumility,orpride,guideourdecisionsandbehavior.Whenweallowourpridetorule,painfulhumiliationusuallyfollows.

EffectivelyDealingwithPrideItiscriticalthatwelearnhowtodetectpride’spresenceandeffectivelydealwithit.Intheearly1970s,IworkedforalargebankthatwasvisitedbyaU.S.Treasuryagentwhowasanexpertoncounterfeitmoney.Whenaskedhowlonghehadbeenstudyingcounterfeitbills,heanswered,“Idon’tstudycounterfeitbills,Ionlystudyrealones.”Heexplainedthatbygainingathoroughknowledgeofeverysquarecentimeterofagenuinetwenty-,fifty-,andhundred-dollarbill,hecouldnearlyalwaysspotaphonybillinstantly.Thesameistruewithpride.Thebestwaytorecognizeitistounderstandthenatureoftruehumility.Bybecomingthoroughlyfamiliarwithitscharacteristics,wecanquicklyidentifyitsabsence.Andwhenhumilityisabsent,prideisusuallyincontrol.

What is truehumility?It’snotapersoncovering themselves insackclothandashes andexclaiming, “Woe isme.”Truehumilitybeginswith aheartfeltbelief that othershavemade it possible foryou tohave everything in life thatyouvalue.Whenapersontrulybelievesthat,theycarrywiththemtheeagerandgrateful spirit of a learner, one who welcomes and values the input andcontributionsofothers. It iseasy fora learner tohonor theopinions,pointsofview,andthegenuineneedsofothers.Infact,oneofthemostadmiredtraitsofthetrulyhumbleistheirinclination,whennecessary,toputotherpeople’sneedsabovetheirown.

My former church pastor,Dr. JimBorror,while visiting a church in the

Northwest,wasaskedbyawomantomeetwithherhusband,amultimillionaireentrepreneur with thousands of employees. Although this man had tens ofmillionsofdollarsandeverythingmoneycouldbuy,hewasunhappy,bitter,andcantankerous.Noonelikedbeingaroundhim,andcontentionandstrifefollowedhimwhereverhewent.Hewasdislikedbyhisemployeesandevenhischildren.Hiswifebarelytoleratedhim.

When he met the man, Dr. Borror listened to him talk about hisaccomplishments and quickly realized that pride ruled this man’s heart andmind.Heclaimedhehadsingle-handedlybuilthiscompanyfromscratch.Evenhisparentshadn’tgivenhimadime.Hehadworkedhiswaythroughcollege.

Jimsaid,“Soyoudideverythingbyyourself.”

“Yep,”themanreplied.

Jimrepeated,“Nooneevergaveyouanything.”

“Nothing!”

SoJimasked,“Whochangedyourdiapers?Whofedyouasababy?Whotaughtyouhowtoreadandwrite?Whogaveyoujobsthatenabledyoutoworkyour way through college? Who gave you your first job after college? Whoserves food in your company’s cafeteria? Who cleans the toilets in yourcompany’srestrooms?”Themanhunghisheadinshame.Momentslater,withtears in his eyes, he said, “Now that I think about it, I haven’t accomplishedanything by myself. Without the kindness and efforts of others, I probablywouldn’thaveanything.”Jimnoddedandasked,“Don’tyouthinktheydeservealittlethanks?”

Thatman’sheartwastransformed,seeminglyovernight.Inthemonthsthatfollowed,hewrotethank-youletterstoeverypersonhecouldthinkofwhohadmadeacontributiontohislife.Hewroteindividualthank-younotestoeveryone

ofhis3,000employees.Henotonlyfeltadeepsenseofgratitude,hebegantotreat everyone around him with respect and appreciation. When Dr. Borrorvisitedhimayearor two later,hecouldhardly recognizehim.Happinessandpeace had replaced the anger and contention in his heart. He looked yearsyounger.Hisemployeeslovedhimfortreatingthemwiththehonorandrespectthattruehumilityengenders.

TheRewardsThatMoneyCan’tBuyHonorandsupport.Whilepridewillbringamanorwomandown,humilitywillraisehimorherup.Solomonsays,“But,honorshallupholdthehumbleinspirit.”WhenSolomontalksabouthumility,he’stalkingaboutahumilitythatpermeateswhoyouare;thosewhoare“humbleinspirit”viewothersasimportantasthemselves.Heorshealsoviewswhattheyhavewithgratitude,recognizingthecontributionsthatothershavemadetotheirlives.Tothosewholivewithhumility,Solomonsaysthathonorshallsupportthemthroughgoodtimesandbad.

Minnie Aiton, at the age of sixteen, began attending college as a mathmajor.ShehadageniusIQandaphotographicmemory.But,withtheadventoftheGreatDepression,shequitcollege tobecomeanadministrativeassistant tothe founder of a tiny savings and loan in Arizona. She was the firm’s fifthemployee. Eventually, the company grew into one of the largest financialinstitutions inAmerica.As it grew,Minnie not onlyperformedher prescribedduties,shetrainednearlyeverymanagerintheorganizationinamyriadofskillsanddisciplines.Shehadareputationforknowingmoreabout thesavings-and-loan business than anyone in the state. Shewas known as thewoman anyonecould take their problems to. Iwas told by the company’s CEO that shewaswithout doubt the most admired and beloved person in the company. At herfuneral,Iwastoldbyoneperson,“WheneveryouwerearoundMinnie,youfeltlike you were the most important person on earth; you knew she cared and

woulddoanythingtohelpyou.”Neartheendofhercareer,shewasapproachedbyanattorneywhotoldherwhatshehadbeentoldbycountlessothers:“Ifyouwereaman,theywouldhavemadeyouaseniorvicepresidentyearsago.”Hetoldherthatifshewouldlethimrepresentherhecouldwinmillionsofdollarsinalawsuit.Herresponse?“WhywouldIeversueFirstFederal?Forfortyyearstheyhaveprovidedapaycheckeverytwoweeks,paidforallmyvacationsandmyfamily’shealthcare.”Andwiththat,mydearmotherturneddownhisoffer.Her humilitywaswell known to all. Shewas the favorite aunt of her twenty-sevenniecesandnephews,thefavoriterelativeofhercousins,aunts,uncles,andin-laws.Honorfollowedherthroughouthereighty-sixyearsoflife.

Wisdom. In Proverbs 11:2, Solomon claims that “with humility comeswisdom.”Inotherwords,themorehumbleyouare,themorewiseyoubecome.Unlike the proud, who believe they know everything, the humble value whatothers can teach them. They become like a sponge, soaking upwisdom fromeveryexperienceandpersontheyencounter.

ReplacingPridewithHumilityHumilityandpridecannotcoexistintheheartatthesamemomentintime.Thepresenceofonewilleliminatetheother.Inotherwords,ratherthanconcentratingonuprootingpridefromtheheart,wedomuchbettertodiscoverwhatwecandotobringhumilityintoourthinkingandinteractions.

Begrateful.Begintofocusmoreoftenonthegoodthingsinyourlife,onthe incredible contributions others have made to that which you value most.Makea listof the thingsyouvalue,startingwith themost important first.Thelonger your list is, the better. For example, the top items of my list are myrelationshipwithGod,myfamily, theirhealth,myhealth,mydearfriends, theclarityofmymind,myabilitytomakealiving,mypartners,andthesuccessofour businesses.Although I acknowledgemy contribution to eachof these, not

oneofthesewouldbeminetoenjoywithoutthecontributionsofothers.Nexttoeach itemonyourown list,writedown thenamesofpeoplewhohavehelpedyouinthatareaofyourlife.Asyoubegintoseeallofthecontributionsothershavemadetoyourlife,aspiritofgratefulnesswillnaturallybegintoemerge.Asitdoes,yourhumilitywillgrow.

Becomemore attentive to and focused upon the needs of others. Shiftmoreofyourfocustocontributingtotheneedsofothers.Yourgratefulnessandhumilitywill grow.WhywasMotherTeresa so humble? Itwasn’t because ofwhat she had or didn’t have, or because of anything we can remember hersaying.Itwasbecauseherentirelifewasdevotedtomeetingtheneedsofotherpeople.Shewassofocusedonmeetingtheirneedsthatshepaidlittleattentiontothematerialthingsshelackedinlife.Butyoudon’thavetolivealifeofsacrificeonthescaleofMotherTeresa.Yousimplyneedtobecomemoreattentivetotheneedsofothersandmoregratefulforwhatyouhave.

FinalThoughtsLetmeleaveyouwiththreeadditionalinsightsthatSolomonoffersonthesubjectofpride.

Arrogance and laziness. Solomon tells us in Proverbs 26:16 that asluggard or lazy person iswiser in his own eyes and conceit than sevenwisemen.Inotherwords,thosewhoarelazydon’tworkbecausetheythinkthey’rebetterthanpeoplewhodo.

Pride and the rich. InProverbs 28:11, Solomon tells us that a richmanthinks that because he’s richhe’swise, and therefore ceases to hold on to thespiritofalearner.Thepoorman,ontheotherhand,realizeshisneedformoreunderstandingandwisdom,andactivelysearchesforit.

Don’tpartnerwiththearrogant.InProverbs16:19,Solomonwrites,“Itisbetter tobeofahumblespiritwith the lowly, thantodivide thespoilwith theproud.”Inotherwords,it’sbettertoremainhumbleandbefriendhumblepeople

thantoassociatewithanarrogantman.

Solomonknewmoreaboutpridethanperhapsanyonewhohaseverlived.Andyet,midwaythroughhislife,hesetasidehisknowledgeaboutprideandfellvictim to it.Thesamecanhappen toanyoneofus.Weneed tobeconstantlyvigilant, and on the lookout for symptoms of pride in our lives. In the“KnowledgetoWisdom”sectionthatfollows,Isuggestachecklistthatyoucanuse to take a periodic “pride checkup.” Regularly review your list of thecontributionsothershavemadetoyourlife;addtoitregularly.Ifpridecanbringaboutthefallofthewisest,richest,andmostpowerfulmanonearth,thinkoftheimpactitcanhaveonyourownlife.

KnowledgetoWisdom

1.Create a “gratefulness list,” as I discussed earlier.Review it andaddtoitdaily.

2. Use the checklist below. Has humility or pride governed yourattitudesandactivities?

SYMPTOMS-OF-PRIDECHECKLIST

DOYOU:

•Ignoreorneglecttheneedsofothers?

•Viewmostthingsfromyourperspectiveinsteadoftryingtounderstandtheotherperson’spointofview?

•Speakquicklyandlistenslowlywithcolleagues,friends,orfamilymembers?

•Concentrateonwhatyouwanttosaynextratherthanfocusonwhattheotherpersonistryingtosay?

•Measureyoursuccessbyyourjob,title,salary,orpossessions?

AREYOU:•Argumentative?

•Quicktoblameothersforproblemsorfailures?

•Slowtoadmitwhenyouarewrong?

•Uninterestedintheopinionsandfeelingsofothers?

•Quicktolookdownonothers?

CHAPTER15

Solomon’sFoundationforSuccess

Howmuchbetterisittogetwisdomthangold!Andtogetunderstandingistobechosenoversilver.

—PROVERBS16:16

TheCriticalDifferenceBetweenWisdomandKnowledgeInancientsocieties,houseswereoftenbuiltwithoutafoundation.However,buildersultimatelylearnedaveryhardlesson.Eventhoughsuchstructuresofferedshelteringoodweather,theyweren’tdependableinthefaceofstorms.Infact,stormsoftendemolishedentirecommunities.Today,noarchitectwouldconsiderdesigningabuildingwithoutafoundation.Itisthefoundationthatgivesabuildingtheintegrityuponwhichalloftheotherstructuralsupportsmustrely.Withoutasolidfoundation,nothingsignificantcanbebuilttoendure.

Thesameistrueinourbusinessandpersonallives.Yetmostadultsbuildtheir personal and business liveswithout a sturdy foundation. They face eachdaywithoutawell-thought-outplan.TheymaycarrytheirdayplannersorPDAsfilledwithto-doliststhatreflecttheirintentionsfortheday.Buttheylivetheirlivesfromdaytoday,constantlyreactingtoeverywindofchange.Whentheyencounter the unexpected storms of life, they are quickly unsettled, and theyoftenmakebaddecisionsorchoices,sometimeswithdevastatingconsequences.

Youdon’tneedtohaveahighIQtobecomewise!

Afriendofminewas theheadofanengineering team thatdesignedandbuilttheworld’smostadvancedmainframecomputerin1976.Ashewastelling

meofitsmanyadvancements,heproudlyproclaimedthatitcouldreceivemorethanonebillionbytesofinformationpersecond.Iaskedhimhowmanyitcouldreceiveandprocesssimultaneously.Helookedalittlepuzzledandthenreplied,“Well, only one.” I asked himwhat hewould think of a computer that couldreceive and processmillions of bytes simultaneously. “That’s impossible,” hereplied. So I told him that the human brain receives and processes over twomillionbytesofinformationsimultaneously,fromeacheye.Addtogetherallofthe other bytes it processes from the other four senses and all of the inputs itreceivesfromtheorgansandcellsthroughoutthebody,andthenumberrisestotens of millions of bytes simultaneously. While his computer filled an entireroom,thiscomputerwasminiaturizedtofitwithinaspaceofafewcubicinches.

My point? Each of us has the world’s most advanced computer. It iscapable of producing levels of achievement beyond anythingmost of us haveeverimagined.Buttooptimizeitsuseandachievethehighlevelsofsuccessandhappiness that each of us is capable of attaining, our computer must beprogrammedwiththerightsoftware.AndSolomonoffersthegreatestsoftwaresystemeverpackaged.Hecallsit“wisdom.”

OurIQ,orlevelofrawintelligence,issomethingeachofusisbornwith.But you don’t have to have a high IQ or be an academic scholar to acquirewisdom. A good many geniuses have acted foolishly, and the world’s mosthighly educated scholars have no better track record in the area of personalhappiness or material success than the rest of us. At the same time, the vastmajorityof theworld’smost successfulpeople (includingEdison,Rockefeller,Henry Ford, Clara Barton, Helen Keller, and Oprah Winfrey) were neitherscholars nor geniuses. But, at critical times in their lives, they made wisedecisionsthatcatapultedtheirachievementsfrommediocritytothestars.

Acquiring truewisdom provides a solid foundation fromwhich you canmakealifetimeofwisedecisions.Solomonprovidesspecificstepsthatwecan

take to become wise individuals. This wisdom is not passive, but ratherextremely active. It can produce a lifetime of extraordinary success andhappiness.

Wisdom is infinitely different from mere knowledge. The differencebetween knowledge and wisdom is the difference between reading about abillionaireandbeingone.Wouldyourather learnaboutbillionairesorbecomeone? Knowledge is simply the acquiring of information. We live in theinformation age. We can acquire more information in a day than ourgrandparentscouldinayear.Butacquiringinformationdoesnotinitselfcreatesuccess,joy,orlastingfulfillment.

Understanding is learninghowtodistinguishbetween information that istrueandpractical,andinformationthatisnot.Understandingplacesgreatvalueontruthanditspracticalapplication.

Wisdom goesone step further. It takes those truths thathave thegreatestvalue and correctly applies them to situations, circumstances, or to life ingeneral.

KNOWLEDGE:Theacquiringofinformation.

UNDERSTANDING: Discerning and valuing important andpracticaltruths.

WISDOM: The act of applying valued truths to any givensituationandtolifeingeneral.

AcquiringWisdomSolomonplacesagreatvalueonacquiringunderstandingandanevenhighervalueontheapplicationofwisdom.Herearesomeofthebenefitshepromisestothosewho

buildtheirlivesonafoundationofwisdom:ACheckingAccountofKnowledge.Imaginehavingabankaccountsobigthatanytimeyouneededanything,youcouldsimplywriteacheckforit,regardlessoftheamount.Thewiseman,Solomonsays,storesknowledgeinsucha“wisdomaccount.”Hecandrawuponitwheneverheencountersanyneedoranysituationthatrequiresawisedecision.Whetherheneedsasolutioninatimeoftroubleorwisdomtocapitalizeonanopportunity,he’llalwayshaveplentyofknowledgetodrawupon.Notsoforthefoolish.InProverbs10:14,Solomonwrites,“Wisemenstoreupknowledge,butwiththemouthofthefoolish,ruinisathand.”

UnderstandingWhyYouAct theWay YouDo. Howmany times haveyoudonesomethingstupidoroutofcharacterandthought,“WhyonearthdidIdothat?”or“WhatwasIthinking?”Ifyoudon’tunderstandyourbehavior,youwillrepeatitagainandagain.Thisisnotthecasewhenyouacquirewisdom.AsSolomonsaysinProverbs14:8,“Thewisdomoftheprudentistounderstandhisways.” As you begin to more clearly understand your behavior and naturalinclinations,youwillbegintomakethebestchoicesratherthanthosetowhichyou’renaturallyinclined.

A Fountain of Life.Most of us remember from our American historyclassesthatPoncedeLeónwasthefirstEuropeantosetfootinFlorida.HewassearchingfortheFountainofYouth.Heneverfoundit,becausenosuchfountainexists. Solomon reveals a much more practical and miraculous fountain inProverbs16:22.Hecallsita“fountainoflife.”Whatisit?Understanding.Likeafountain,understandingnotonlybringslifetoyourdeepestneedsanddesires,itmakesyouasourceoflifetothosearoundyouaswell.

TheFavor ofThose inAuthority.When youwere a child, nothingwasbetterthanhavingacoachorateachersmileatyouandpatyouonthebackand

say, “Way to go! Great job!” The same is true for adults.We hate having aperson in authoritymad at us, whether it is our spouse, our boss, or a policeofficer.Solomontellsusthatwhenweactwiselywewillgainthefavorofthosein authority (Proverbs 14:35). He also says, “A man shall be commendedaccording to his wisdom” (Proverbs 12:8). A commendation is praiseaccompanied by an award. In business, that award is usually a bonus or payincrease.

ValueandHonor.AccordingtoGarySmalley,thenumber-onedesireofamanistobeadmired.Andeveryone—man,woman,boy,andgirl—wantstofeelvalued.AndSolomontellsusthattheonesurewaytobevaluedandhonoredistobecomewise:“Thewisewillinherithonor.”

Riches. Solomon is talking about both material and spiritual riches.Material riches can be measured in terms of portfolios, bank accounts, andpossessions. Spiritual riches aremeasured by the love, fulfillment, joy, peace,and purpose you experience and the needs of others that you help fulfill. Toomany people sacrifice spiritual riches in their pursuit of material riches. I’mconvinced that attaining material riches requires much less wisdom thanacquiringspiritualones.Solomontellsusthatwisemenandwomencanacquireboth.“Thecrownofthewise,”hesays,“istheirriches”(Proverbs14:24).Noticehesaysthatrichesarethecrown,ratherthantheheartorsoul,ofthewise.Theheartofthewiseiscenteredonavaluesystemthatreflectstruewisdomandthespiritual values and priorities thatwisdom brings. That’swhy the richestmanwhoeverlivedcouldsaywithauthority,“Howmuchbetterisittogetwisdomthangold!Andtogetunderstandingistobechosenovergettingsilver.”

Protection and Safety. In Proverbs 2:11–12, Solomonwrites,“Discretionwillprotectyou,andunderstandingwillguardyou.Wisdomwillsaveyoufromthewaysofwickedmen,frommenwhosewordsareperverse.”Wisdomprotectsusnotonlyfromdangeroussituationsbut,equallyimportant,fromfallingprey

to people driven by unethical values, motives, or intentions: the person whowants toconyououtofyour lifesavings,or thebusinessassociatewhowantsyou tocloseyoureyes toanunethicaldecisionorpractice.He’s talkingaboutgaining a level of discernment that can see right through the facades ofunscrupulous people of all types. Solomon says that this same discernment,understanding,andwisdomwillprotectamanorwomanfromthosewhowouldseducethemintocompromisingsituations.

LongLife.Thosewhobuildtheirlivesonafoundationofwisdomactuallylive longer.Acceptwisdom,Solomonsays,and“theyearsofyour lifewillbemany” (Proverbs 4:10). Once again he distinguishes between knowledge andwisdom.Letme give you another example of the difference.Nearly everyoneknowsthatnotwearingseatbeltsinacarcancostyouyourlife;andyethalfofthe annual 43,000 fatalities in automobile accidents are people who were notwearingtheirseatbelts.Nearlyeveryoneknowsthatsmokingwillshortenyourlife; yet every year hundreds of thousands of Americans die from diseasescausedby smoking. It’snotenough toknow information.To reap the rewardsSolomonpromises,youmustacquireandconsistentlyexercisewisdom.

TheConsequencesofNotGainingWisdomALifeWithoutPurpose,Fulfillment,andHappiness.InProverbs21:16,Solomonsays,“Themanthatwandersoutofthewayofunderstandingshallremaininthecongregationofthedead.”That’sprettystrongtalk.He’stalkingaboutthosepeoplewhoarephysicallyalivebutspirituallydead,thosewhoselivesarenotbuiltuponvalues.Becausetheirhopes,dreams,andvaluesarebaseduponthetemporal,theyareultimatelybruisedandbatteredbythewindsofchangeandthestormsoflife.Theymaybehappyorfulfilledforaseason,butwhentheircircumstanceschange,theirhappinessandfulfillmentslipaway.Theylineupforthetherapist’scouchandtheplasticsurgeon’soperatingtable.Alife

builtuponwisdomisneverstrippedofitspurpose,joy,orvalue.Wouldyouliketosimply“getby”?Thatisthedestiny,Solomonsays,ofthelifethatisnotbuiltuponafoundationoftruewisdom.

DecisionsThatLookGoodbutEndBadly.Somanytimesinlifewethinkwe’remaking the right choice, only to discover that itwas thewrong choice.Recently,awomaninmycommunity,drivingherlittlegirltoafriend’shouse,wasshotbyherex-husbandashedroveupnexttohercar.Thenheturnedtheguntohisheadandkilledhimself.Afewyearsago,whenthewomanwasmadlyin lovewith thisman,shebelievedthatshewasmakingtherightchoicewhenshe married him. She saw signs of his uncontrollable temper, but she surelyneverthoughthewouldturnhisangertowardher.Afterall,hewasasmuchinlovewithherasshewaswithhim.InProverbs14:12,Solomonwarns,“Thereisa way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” Withoutwisdomthere isnowaywecanhaveanassurance that thedecisionswemakewillberightnotonlyforthemomentbut,moreimportant,forlife.

Self-deception. “What did I do?” “I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”“Everybody elsewas doing the same thing.”According to one police officer,thesearethethreemostcommonthingspeoplesaywhenhepullsthemoverfortraffic violations. They really believe that they haven’t done anything wrong.Solomonsaid,“Everyman’swayisrightinhisownsight.”Theconsequencesofself-deceptioncanberuinous.Self-deceptionstalkseveryonewhofailstobuildalifewithafoundationofwisdom.Forme,themostextremeexampleofthiswasAdolf Hitler’s suicide note. At the end ofWorldWar II, after exterminatingmillionsofJews,withhisnation’scapitallittlemorethanpilesofrubbleandthewholenation in ruins,heopenedhissuicidenotewith thewords“Idiewithahappyheart.”Hegoesontosaythatheknewhisnationonedaywouldunitetocontinue thework he had begun, and that “international Jewrymust bear soleresponsibilityforthewar.”

Weallexperienceself-deceptioninsomeway,shape,orforminourlives.Toavoidself-deception,weneedamoralcompass.AccordingtoSolomon,theonlycompassthatcanenableustoclearlyseeandchoosethebestpathsinlifeiswisdom. Without that compass, we will make choices that seem fine at themomentbutwillultimatelyleadtodisappointmentorworse.

FoolishDecisions.Solomon’sgreatest disdainwas reserved for thosehecategorized as fools.Now,we allmake foolish decisions at different times inlife,butthatdoesnotmakeusfools.Solomon’sdefinitionofafoolisapersonwhose life isbuiltuponunwisedecisions—buildingonsandrather thana firmfoundation.TyCobbwasarguablythegreatestbaseballplayerinhistory,settingmorethanninetymajorleaguerecordsduringhiscareer.Heamassedafortuneasaresultofmakingonegoodinvestment.Andyetonlythreepeopleattendedhis funeral. Even his own children didn’t come. How sad that a man couldachieve somuch andyet be lovedor valuedby so few.Whether or not he fitSolomon’sdefinitionofa fool isnotmycall tomake.Butcertainly that is thedangeroflivingalifefulloffoolishchoices.AsSolomonstates,“Thelipsoftherighteousfeedmany:butfoolsdieforwantofwisdom”(Proverbs10:21).

TheSignsofaFoolSolomonteachesthatifweactlikeafoollongenough,wearelikelytobecomeone.Heoffersusanumberofattributesthatrevealfoolishbehavior.Isharethesewiththehopethatifyourecognizetheseinyourlife,you’llmakewhateverchangesareneededtoalteryourbehaviorandthinking.Ihavemademanyfoolishchoices.AndwithoutthecompassthatSolomonprovides,I,too,mighthaveendedmylifeasoneofSolomon’sfools.

They close their ears to instruction. “YOU’RE tellingME how to readdialogue?” exclaimed a famous television actor as I was directing him in atelevision commercial. I was taken aback. Previously, I had directed such

AcademyAwardwinnersasCharltonHeston,MickeyRooney,Cher,andJaneFonda—more than seventy movie and television stars—without encounteringsuch resistance. I had produced hundreds of successful television campaigns,generating billions of dollars in sales. I had created andwritten this particularcommercial.Iknewhowitneededtobereadtobebelievabletoconsumers.Andyet this celebrity refused to read it thatway, and theproject failed. Insteadofmakingmillions of dollars in royalties, as somany of our celebrity endorsershave, he made only a few thousand. His pride had blinded him; he made afoolishdecision.InProverbs1:7,Solomonsays,“Butfoolsdespisewisdomandinstruction.”Therehavebeenmany times inmy lifewhenI, too,haverefusedinstruction. Fortunately, Solomon’s statement completely changed the way Iview counsel from others. A wise man or woman seeks out and values anyinstructiontheycanreceiveintheimportantendeavorsintheirlives.

Foolstendto“shootfromthelip.”Theysaywhatevertheythinkorfeelwithout thoroughconsideration. InProverbs10:14,Solomonsays,“Themouthof a fool invites ruin.” Jobs are lost, careers are ruined, and marriagesdisintegratebecausepeoplesaystupidthingswithoutpausingforreflection.

They repeat the same foolish behavior. Einstein once said that thedefinitionofinsanitywastryingsomethingthatdidn’tworkoverandoveragainandexpectingdifferentresults.Solomonsaiditthisway:“Asadogreturnstoitsvomit,soafoolrepeatshisfolly.”

They don’t respond to punishment. In Proverbs 27:22, Solomonwrites,“Though you grind a fool in a mortar, grinding him like grain with a pestle[hammer], you will not remove his folly from him.” All of us make foolishdecisions.Whenpunishedbyauthoritiesorbylife,weusuallychangeourerrantways.Not sowith a fool.One ofmy former bosses (with a genius IQ)mademillionsofdollarsinafraudulentscheme.TheFTCprosecuted,andhewenttoprison.Hecameoutofprisonandcreatedawholenewfraudulentschemeinan

entirelydifferentindustry.TheFTCprosecuted,andhewenttoprisonagain.Hecameoutofprisonandstartedanewbusiness,andonceagainwasshutdownbytheFTC.Thatwasfifteenyearsago,andIlosttrackofhim.Afewdaysago,Ithought abouthimanddid aGoogle search.Hisnamecameupas thedrivingforcebehinda recentnational scandal inwhich thousandsofwomenhadbeenbilked out of their savings. He is being prosecuted once again. This man isundoubtedly one of the most brilliant men I have ever known, and yet, bySolomon’sdefinition,heisafool.

Foolstrustsolelyintheirownheart.“Itfeltsoright”isoftenthereasonpeoplegivefordoingsomethingthatlaterturnsouttohavebeenwrong.Weallmake decisions based upon our emotions, on how we feel. Sometimes suchchoices work out. But a person who relies upon how he or she feels as theprimary factor in their decision making is a fool, according to Solomon. Hewrote,“Hewhotrustsinhisownheartisafool.”Thefactisthatouremotionsareoftenblindedorhijackedbyourmisperceptions.We ignoreor fail to seekthe counsel of others; we fail to “look well into a matter,” and act upon ourfeelings.Yes,we should takeour feelings into considerationwhenwemakeadecision.Butwe should not base anydecision solely uponour feelings. It’s asurewaytocrashandburn.

Theyteardowntheirownhouse.Ourhomesshouldbeasafeharborforusandourfamilies.Andyetformany,homesareanythingbutthat.Instead,theyare places filled with discouragement, criticism, contention, and sometimesphysical,verbal,oremotionalabuse.InProverbs14:1,Solomonsays,“Thewisewoman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”Everyone wants loving and fulfilling relationships with their spouse andchildren.Andyettheyunwiselydosomanythingsthatteareachotherdownandultimatelybringaboutthedissolutionoftheirmarriageandthedisintegrationoftheir family. Whether through criticism, anger, or infidelity, fools tear downtheirhouseswiththeirownhands.Solomoncontraststhatwithawisewomanor

manwhodoeseverythingtheycantoencourageandlovetheirfamily,buildingtheirhomeintothekindofsafeharboritwasmeanttobe.

Solomon’sStrategiesforAcquiringWisdomHowcanweacquirethekindofwisdomSolomontalksabout?Solomongivesusahandfulofspecificstepsthatwecantake:Searchforwisdomasyouwouldsearchforhiddentreasure.Fewtreasuresarelyinginplainsight.Theyhavetobeactivelysearchedfor.Solomontellsustopursuewisdomwiththepassionofagoldminer,andvalueitmorethanwewouldvaluegoldandothertreasures.Paywhatevercostittakestoacquireit,andonceyouhaveit,neverdisregardit.Valuewisdommorethanyourwealthoranyofyourpossessions.Inourmodernvernacular,hewouldsayvaluewisdomandthestrategiesherevealsmorethanyouvalueyourbankaccountorinvestmentportfolio.

Listen.Remain a learner yourwhole life.Go into every situation askingquestions instead of giving answers. In Proverbs 1:5, Solomon says, “Awisemanwillhearandincreaseinlearning,andamanofunderstandingwillacquirewise counsel.” Wisdom does not come from within. Wisdom comes fromsourcesoutsideofourselves.Rememberthebenefitsofseekingcounsel.

In Proverbs 1:8, Solomon gives one more piece of advice: “Hear theinstructionofyourfatherandforsakenotthelawofyourmother.”Now,thisismorethanaplatitude.WhenIwasateenager,myfatherandIarguedfordaysaboutwhetherornotIwouldtakeatypingclassinhighschool.ItoldhimtypingwasforgirlsandIwouldbeembarrassed to take theclass.He toldmethathehadalwaysbeenfrustratedbecausehecouldn’ttype,andheinsistedthatItakeitfor a year. Finally, we reached a compromise. I would take typing for onesemester. If, at the end of the semester, Iwas the fastest typist in the class, Iwouldnothave to take it fora secondsemester. If Iwasnot, Iwouldhave to

takeitforasecondsemester.Asitturnedout,Ihadtotaketypingforonlyonesemester. But that single semester of typing changedmy entire life. Before Ilearnedhowtotype,Icouldnotwritefastenoughtokeepupwithmythoughts,and even if I did, nobody could readmywriting (includingme).Andwhen Islowed down towritemore neatly, I would losemy train of thought. Typingchangedeverything.Icouldliterallytypemythoughtsasfastastheycameintomymind. As it turned out, my entire career has revolved aroundmy typing.Duringthepastthirtyyears,Ihavewrittenhundredsofcommercialsandshows.My writing has produced hundreds of millions of dollars in income for mypartners and me. On top of that, I’ve had the joy of writing a number ofbestselling books that I believe have helped people achievemore success andfulfillmentintheirlives.HadInotfollowedmyfather’sadvicetolearnhowtotype,Iwouldnothavewrittenevenonetelevisionscriptorbook.Evenasadults,weshouldcarefullyconsiderourparents’advice.Noone lovesusmoreand ismoreconcernedforourwell-being.

Study theBookofProverbs. InProverbs4:20–22,Solomonwrites, “Myson,giveattentiontomywords;Inclineyoureartomysayings.Donotletthemdepartfromyoursight;Keeptheminthemidstofyourheart.Fortheyarelifetothosewhofindthem,andhealthtoalltheirwholebody.”SolomontrulybelievedthatthewisdomhehadarticulatedintheBookofProverbsdidnotoriginateinhismind,butratherhadbeengiventohimbyGod.TheProverbsIhavereferredtointhisbookcompriselessthanone-fifthofthetotalnumbercontainedintheBookofProverbs.Thewisdomtheycontainistrulyincomparable.IurgeyoutofollowSolomon’sadviceandstudyhiswords.

Receive.Youwillneverreceiveanyofthelife-givingbenefitsofwaterorfoodbymerely tastingthem.Thesameis truewithwisdom.Simplybecomingaware of knowledge and understanding will do little to increase the worth ofyour life. In Proverbs 4:10, Solomon says, “Hear ohmy son and receive mysaying.”Forunderstanding tobe transformed intowisdom,wemust receive it

andletitchangewhoweare.Byreceivingoracceptingitintoourheart,itwillmanifestitselfinourattitudesandbehavior.

Keep the precepts of wisdom at the front of your thoughts and vision.Thirty-twoyearsagoGarySmalleychallengedmetoreadachapterofProverbseverydayfortwoyears.Theresultsweremiraculous.

Solomon urges you to do the same thing that Gary asked me to do. InProverbs 3:21–24, he writes, “My son, preserve sound judgment anddiscernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, anornamenttograceyourneck.Thenyouwillgoonyourwayinsafety,andyourfootwillnotstumble;whenyouliedown,youwillnotbeafraid;whenyouliedown,yoursleepwillbesweet.”“Holdon to instruction,”hewrites later,“donotletitgo;guarditwell,foritisyourlife.”

KnowledgetoWisdom

TURNINGPRECEPTSINTOACTION

1.ReadtheBookofProverbs,achapteraday.Haveapenandpaperhandytowritedowntheinsightsyougainandhowtoapplythemtoyourlifethatday.IhavedividedthewisdomintheBookofProverbsinto forty-six categories. In this book, I have touched upon onlyfifteenofthosecategories.Thinkoftheincredibleinsightsthatawaityou.

2.InyourstudyoftheBookofProverbs,Iwouldhighlyrecommendusing a modern translation. Often, the seventeenth-century KingJamesVersionisdifficulttofollow.Inthisbook,IhavequotedmostoftenfromtheNewAmericanStandardBible(NASB)andtheNewInternationalVersion(NIV).

3. The single greatest flaw ofmost books is that even though theygive the reader wonderful ideas and values, they do not teach thespecific skills necessary to apply those ideas and values to a dailyroutine.Ihavepreparedmaterialtohelpreaderslearnspecificskillsto apply Solomon’s laws of life to their own daily lives. You arewelcometolookatthesebooks,journals,andworkbooksatmyWebsite: stevenkscott.com. I highly recommend my previous book,Mentored by a Millionaire—The Master Strategies of SuperAchievers,not because Iwrote it but because it teaches every skillnecessary to bring not only those strategies into your life, but thepreceptsofSolomon,aswell.Intermsofrelationships,Irecommendtwo of Gary Smalley’s books, The DNA of Relationships andMakingLoveLastForever.

http://www.stevenkScott.com

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