THE RICK IS ALWAYS GREENER

WRITTEN BY:Joe Fleming

EXT. SMITH BACKYARD - AFTERNOONPeaceful, green backyard, when suddenly Rick's green portal appears for a moment, and then Rick and Morty step out, covered in stinking, green ooze.

MORTYDang it, Rick! You said this stuff wouldn't burn us! It hurts like heck!

RICKNo, Morty, I said it wouldn't burn me. Gangalore mucus is especially potent when comeing in contact with kids, especially little boys who never stop complaining...

MORTYEhhhh, (breaks) I can't take it anymore! My flesh is on fire!

Morty begins flailing around in pain, as Rick calmly scrapes some ooze off of Morty's skin with his finger then puts it in his mouth. Morty runs O.S.

RICKOh god, that's good mucus.

O.S. we hear Morty scream and the sound of his clothes being ripping off. Rick's face turns from joy to panic.

RICK (CONT'D)Aw, Morty, no!

Cut to Morty, who is completely naked, still covered in ooze, washing himself off with the garden hose.

MORTY(relief) Ahhh.

Rick grabs Morty from under the stream of water and carries him into the house.

RICKI'm sorry, buddy, this stuff is worth a crap ton on the green market.

Instantly Morty begins screaming in pain, again. Rick sprints through the family room with Morty in his arms, leaving a thick trail of the ooze throughout the house.

BETHDad! Come on!

Beth goes to examine the couch, newly covered in the green

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ooze, which is starting to corrode and dissolve the fibers of the couch, leaving a gapping hole.

JERRYOh, no! I spent the whole night scotch-guarding that...

Beth gets noticeably angry at this.BETH

That was the late-night conference call you couldn't come to bed for...

Jerry instantly knows he is in trouble and tries to come up with something profound to say, preparing to by lifting his finger in the air.

JERRYCouches need love too, Beth.

Jerry looks confident, Beth gargles in anger and walks away, Jerry still has his finger in the air, mouth agape.

CUT TO: MAINCREDITS

INT. SMITH KITCHEN - LATERAll five members of the Smith family have gathered around the kitchen table to have a family meeting.

BETHIt's not that we're saying don't adventure anymore, because we're not. In fact, I support it, I think it has done wonders for Morty's confidence.

MORTYAw, cram it, Mom!

JERRYMorty!

MORTYI'm sorry.

BETHBut the damage and destruction that you leave in your wake...Dad, we're barely able to repair the holes in our foundation without having to worry about burning green ooze!

Jerry looks surprised by this and immediately goes to Beth's

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side.JERRY

You really mean that, Beth? About the holes in our foundation? Because I sometimes think the same thing, but I also think that if we just admit there are weaknesses and then work together to fix them... well I think this is just great, Beth.

BETHJerry, I'm talking about the literal holes in our home's foundation. You know? The one's you keep putting off repairing until one day they'll collapse and kill us all.

JERRYYeah...I know...

Jerry instantly sits back down, devastated.RICK

Enough people. Beth, my *burps* dear, what you are forgetting is that the (finger quotes) "burning green ooze" I dragged through your house is worth thousands of Quatloos in any Baaian market, they go crazy for the stuff. Filipinos too.

SUMMERWhat's a Quatloo?

JERRYIt's a dumb made up currency, Summer, from a dumb made up show, about dumb made up places.

Rick stands up out of his chair.RICK

Come over here, Summer.Summer comes over, hesitantly. Rick turns his back to Jerry and raises his lab coat to one side as a wall, blocking him. With his other hand he draws an item from his pocket.

RICK (CONT'D)This, is a Quatloo.

The second Rick pulls the object from his pocket a large glow fills the entire kitchen. Summer's eyes go wide, Jerry can

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not see anything because of the lab coat.SUMMER

It's...It's beautiful.Jerry starts to move around in his chair.

JERRYWell, hey, let me see.

Jerry gets up to see, but Rick blocks him with the lab coat each time, raising and lowering to check Jerry. Morty gets up and walks on the other side of the kitchen to observe the object. He too gets wide eyed.

MORTYIt's so warm...

JERRYAw, come on Rick! Let me see!

RICKSorry, Jerry, I can't hear you on my dumb made up planet, holding my dumb made up Quatloo.

Rick puts the item back in his pocket causing the glow to leave the room and Morty and Summer to snap out of their trance. Jerry looks crushed.

JERRY(to Morty) Hey, how was it?

MORTY(mellow) It's like...Life just a little less hard now, you know what I mean, Dad?

JERRY(sad) No...I don't know...

BETHNone of that changes the fact that there is always a mess, and I am always the one to clean it up. We're all just tired of it, right Jerry?

JERRYOh, I don't know honey, Rick does have a good point about the messes. Right, Rick?

BETHJerry!

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JERRYMesses right, Rick? Hey, speaking of messes, could I see the thing in your pocket now?

SUMMERI agree with Mom, three of my friends have gotten cancer from having sleep-overs here!

RICKHey! *burps* They all signed waivers...

MORTYYeah, Rick, and you know I love our adventures, but sometimes it's good to have a nice, clean house to come home to.

Rick looks very disappointed.RICK

Et tu, Mor-tay?JERRY

Hey! Come on, team! Quit ganging up on ol' Rick here. We're gonna go make some fantastic messes, and then we'll both have a good long look at the thing. Right, Rick? The thing?

RICKThat's right, Jerry! Team messy for life over here, baby!

BETHSo then we've accomplished nothing. We can't just have half a clean house.

Rick pulls out a large, glowing, wand-shaped device from his pocket.

RICKBeth, never say the word "can't" around a scientist...Or the word that sounds like can't if it's a woman scientist.

CUT TO:

INT. FAMILY ROOM - SECONDS LATERRick and Jerry are on one side of the family room. Morty,

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Beth, and Summer are on the other. The two groups meet each other in the middle.

BETHReally, Jerry? You're just going to let this happen?

JERRYOh, Beth...the things we do for the stuff we want to see...

Beth rolls her eyes.RICK

I call this baby the "a la I Love Lucy"

Rick pulls out the wand device from his front pocket. RICK (CONT'D)

I will draw a line down the middle of the house, effectively creating two houses, existing simultaneously. One will be a carefree, nurturing environment where anything goes and science flourishes, and the other...Is Germany on the heels of invading Poland.

BETHYou know that's not what I want. A little bit of order is all I'm asking for.

SUMMERJust do it already, Grandpa! I can't wait to get away from this ooze stink.

Rick clicks something on the wand and it begins to hum, powering up.

MORTYI'm sorry again, Rick, I just really like my room to be livable, you know?

RICKYou're dead to me, Morty.

On this line, Rick activates the wand and starting on one side of the room draws a line which glows magnificently behind the device, Rick keeps going across the entire length of the room.

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JERRYSo, after this you'll show me the Quayloom, right?

RICKHey, Jerry?

JERRY(excited) Yeah, Rick?

RICKShut your *burps* dumb mouth.

Rick finishes the line which now fully extends across the room. Seconds after the completion the entire room starts to shake violently and the line's glow grows until the whole room is enveloped in white and there is nothing left on the screen.

CUT TO:

INT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - MOMENTS LATERRick and Jerry are standing in a pure white abyss.

RICK(sarcastically) Oh, wow, it back fired, I can't *fucking* believe it.

JERRYOh my god, what is this? Did we die, Rick? Where's everyone? Beth! Kids!

RICKThey can't hear you, Jerry, they were on the other side of the line remember?

JERRYWhy are we in purgatory then?!

RICK(under his breath) I'd call this hell.

JERRYWhat was that?

RICKJust saying how I'm going to fix this all up for ya' bud!

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JERRYAnd how the heck do you plan to do that? And why does it look like I'm about to be loaded into the Matrix?

Rick removes the wand from his jacket and examines it, flipping it over and looking at the bottom.

RICKOh yeah, there's your problem right there, Jerry. You see?

Rick shows the bottom of the wand to Jerry, which includes a dial and multiple settings including, "Freaky Friday," "O. Henry" and "Scrooge".

RICK (CONT'D)It was flipped to "Freaky Friday," and now it's trying to teach us a lesson by putting each of us in the house we didn't want. (intrigued) Hm, how do you like that?

JERRY(squints, dubious) Does all your technology revolve television?

RICKJust this weeks. All of this stuff came from the Sweeps Week Universe. It's Dy-no-mite, Jerry!

JERRYGosh. So we're stuck in here. There is only one thing to do then, I suppose... Kill you, and take the shiny, shiny thing.

Jerry's eyes go wide and he starts to approach Rick like a crazed, drooling zombie. Rick tries his best to keep him at arm's length, stepping back cautiously away from him, deeper into the white abyss.

RICKHey! Hey, get away from me! Dammit, Jerry, it's just money, you nut.

Rick goes to remove the Quatloo from his pocket but stops suddenly and begins patting his chest.

RICK (CONT'D)Son of a-

Rick is still patting down his coat.

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JERRYWhat's going on...Is this some kind of old man trick?

RICKAh! It must have been Morty...Five minutes without my guidance and he's frisking me like a Gypsy.

JERRYI don't believe you! I don't!

On the second "I don't!", Jerry rips Rick's shirt off exposing his gray chest hairs and a heart tattoo which reads: "XCEYUI 9" Jerry stops pressing him after realizing he went too far. Rick looks down at his ripped shirt and is pissed.

RICKOh it is so on.

Jerry realizes his mistake and starts to run the opposite way, still into the white abyss, Rick follows after, still pissed.

JERRYHelp me, anyone!

CUT TO:

EXT. GARBAGE CITY ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUSMorty, Beth, and Summer awaken in a dark, dirty, abandoned alleyway. Written in paint along the wall in blood is: "Welcome to Hell." Litter and grime are everywhere.

MORTYWhere...Where are we?

SUMMMERUgh...It smells even worse now. What did Grandpa do?

BETHSent us to Sacramento from the looks of it...

Something O.S. clinks around. All three characters fall quiet.

MORTYDid you guys here that?

SUMMERStop it, Morty, you're scaring me...

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Again something O.S. clinks around.MORTY

You heard that!BETH

Kids, get behind me.Beth puts herself in front of Morty and Summer, lengthening her arms to keep them both shielded. They back up further into the alley, away from the clinking. They keep backing up until they bump into a large man wearing a lime green bio-hazard suit.

BIO-HAZARD MANFreeze!

MORTYRun!!

Summer and Beth start to scream and all three begin to run away down the other side of the alley, away from Bio-Hazard Man. They continue to run, until they see a Caped Figure in the distance, holding a lantern, and entering a hole in the side of the alleyway.Morty, Summer and Beth have no choice, the Bio-Hazard Man is hot on their trail, now brandishing a large weapon, shaped like a mop. They follow the Caped Figure into a hole in the wall of the alley, all four enter the hole, which then seals itself. The Bio-Hazard Man runs past the hole and then stops, confused as to where his prey vanished to.

CUT TO:

INT. GARBAGE CITY TUNNELS - CONTINUOUSOn the other side of the hole, the room is pitch black.

BETHIs everyone okay?

SUMMERI think so.

MORTYJesus, what was that guy's problem?

The Caped Figure lifts his lantern up and the room fills a little with light. The Caped Figure reveals himself to be covered in filth and ooze, stink is apparent. He brandishes a small knife, pointing it at his now captors.

CAPED FIGUREDo not move, Cleaners!

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Morty, Beth, and Summer put their hands up in fear.MORTY

Just take them, mister! I won't argue or fight, take my sister and my mom and I will just walk away, I swear to god!

BETH & SUMMERMorty!

MORTYOkay, fine! Just take Summer, she's got to be worth at least a car.

SUMMERYou really think? Like a sedan? Or even nicer?

CAPED FIGUREQuiet, clean ones! You're presence is an affront to the principals of Garbage City.

BETH(skeptical) Garbage City? Jesus, Dad, I ask you to clean my house and you turn it into a city that worships garbage....

MORTYWe're not against you, um, sir? That thing out there was chasing us the same as you!

The Caped Figure starts to understand. He lowers his knife and looks shameful.

CAPED FIGUREI am so sorry, I have made a real brush out of myself...

MORTYWell, just what the hell was that thing?

CAPED FIGUREHe is one of the Cleaners. They call themselves the law, but their stench...It has no honor...(yells through the wall) They are nothing but a bunch of bleached boys!

MORTYOkay, yeah we get it. Clean versus dirty, we're not *fucking* morons.

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BETHMorty!

MORTYAw, I'm sorry, Mom, he's just clearly such an asshole.

BETH(to Caped Figure) I'm so sorry for his behavior, Mister...?

CAPED FIGUREI am called Mud. And there is no need to apologize, in Garbage City being an asshole is something everybody strives for.

BETHYeah, I'm starting to figure that out...

CUT TO:

INT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - CONTINUOUSRick and Jerry are still in the pure white abyss. Rick is standing, looking intently at his wand device, disassembling and inspecting the pieces. Jerry is sitting like a child on the ground, repeatedly punching the white ground over and over again trying to break free. He is also singing "the thing, the thing, one day I'll see the thing" over and over again. Rick walks over to stand nex to Jerry.

RICKJesus, Jerry, I'm finding it harder and harder to rationalize how you graduated college.

JERRYHey at least I'm trying to get us out of here! You're just standing over there doing nothing with that dumb "a la I Love Lucy!"

RICK(heavy sarcasm) Oh yeah, standing over there, examining the exact device that caused the problem we're in. That is definitely a waste of time, definitely. Hey, Jerry? Can I join your brilliant punch plan? How does it go again? Oh yeah: "Punch. Punch. Punch. I'm A GODDAMN MORON!

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JERRYYou know what, Rick? (holding back tears) Maybe you will get us out of here, because your words hurt just as much as my punches!

Jerry runs O.S. crying RICK

Ah, come on Jer' I was just messing with you. Hey! Come on buddy, look!

Rick pretends to punch the ground like Jerry was doing. He does it for awhile enthusiastically but then dies down when Jerry does not return.

RICK (CONT'D)Ah, whatever. Not everyone is cut out for trans-dimensional adventuring. At least...Not as much as other are...

Rick takes out a framed portrait of Morty being seared by a flame to the face, in the picture he looks to be in extreme pain.

RICK (CONT'D)(longing) Morty, I miss you little buddy...

Suddenly, a faint after image of Morty runs past Rick, he looks frightened.

RICK (CONT'D)Hey! Hey, Morty!

The faint image of Morty does not hear or respond to Rick. Suddenly Beth and Summer's faint images appear and they go right through Rick.

RICK (CONT'D)Whoa, what the *burps* hell was that?

CUT TO:

INT. GARBAGE CITY TUNNELS - CONTINUOUSMorty, Summer and Beth look exactly as they did to Rick only completely intact this time, in Garbage City. They are with Mud (the Caped Figure) and are running for their lives. They are being pursued by three Bio-Hazard Men.

BIO HAZARD MAN #1In the name of lemony scents, stop scoundrels!

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One of the Bio-Hazard Men start to fire laser beams at the fleeing party. He misses, but everything the laser hits turns from gross garbage to clean, tile floors.

MORTY(out of breath) We're done for! Ah, jeez, this is it!

BETHWait, Morty! Stop!

Beth notices that Morty's clothes still have a little bit of green ooze left on them. She balls up enough to make a golf sized ooze ball.

BETH (CONT'D)If these guys are even half the clean freaks I am, then they'll cream over this stuff.

Morty and Summer give each other a grossed out look, mouthing the word: "cream?" to each other.The three Bio-Hazard Men are quickly approaching, Beth squints her eyes and in a very bad ass way she says:

BETH (CONT'D)Talk to dirty to me...

And then throws the ooze ball up into he air and runs away grabbing Rick and Summer.The three Bio-Hazard Men are still running when suddenly the ball lands right in their path, causing a massive explosion. All three men get blown across the tunnel. When the smoke clears, we see that there are severed limbs and blood strewn everywhere. One Bio-Hazard Man is gone, one Bio-Hazard man's leg is missing and he is screaming bloody murder, while the remaining Bio-Hazard man is curled up in the fetal position, chanting to himself:

BIO HAZARD MAN #3I'm a clean boy...I'm a clean, clean boy...

Morty, Beth, Summer, and Mud have stopped running and look on at the horror, mouths agape.

SUMMEROh my god, Mom...

BETHI didn't know! I thought everything here was just dumb allegory! I didn't know people were going to die!

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MUDAll is fair in love and garbage...

Beth groans in disgust.CUT TO:

COMMERCIALBREAK

GINT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - CONTINUOUSRick and Jerry are still standing in a pure white abyss. Jerry is holding Rick's wand device in one hand, with his arm raised high into the air. He is also standing on one leg and trying very hard to balance.

RICKThat's it, hold it. Hold it right there, that should do it.

JERRYI don't know how much longer I can do it!

RICKIt's working, Jerry! Keep it up! You're doing it!

JERRYHow do you know it's working without any equipment?

Rick goes from enthusiastic to bored again.RICK

Yeah you got me, you're not doing anything.

Jerry puts his other foot down and lowers his arm.JERRY

Dammit, Rick! Why do you always do that to me?

RICKDo what to you? Save your life? Raise your son? Cover your house in delicious Gangalore mucus? I'm not really seeing how anyone is a victim in all of this.

JERRYYou talk to me like I'm a dimwit, and like everything is my fault.

Rick goes to comfort Jerry and Jerry lets him.

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RICKAw, come on, sport. The only reason I say those things are because you are a dimwit, and usually things are your fault...

Jerry pushes Rick away.JERRY

You know Rick, I'm a good guy. I take care of your daughter as best I can, and when you needed a place to stay, I never objected. All I've ever asked is that you treat me with a bit of respect.

As Jerry is delivering this monologue, the backdrop of the white abyss starts to fade away a little and reveals the backdrop of Garbage City. Rick notices this and cuts Jerry off.

RICKAh! Jerry, that's it!

JERRYWhat's it? Am I getting through to you yet? Because I feel like if you just stepped into my shoes for a day...

The white abyss disappears completely for a second and Rick and Jerry are in Garbage City, a Bio-Hazard Man runs past them, but then a second goes by and they return to the abyss.

JERRY (CONT'D)What in the-

RICKIt's the "a la I Love Lucy"! Like any great sitcom-based technology, it won't deactivate until everybody has learned their lesson. You're whiney little speech is exactly what it's looking for. Come on, Jerry! Keep being a sissy!

JERRY(pouting) Am not...

Jerry wipes away a tear.CUT TO:

INT. GARBAGE CITY CITADEL - CONTINUOUSMorty, Summer and Beth are standing in the middle of a great

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senate chamber. A wall of garbage-covered men fill the seats, all rambling conversations. Mud, who is next to the Smiths, steps forward.

GARBAGE KINGMud! Why have you allowed these creatures to defile our Citadel with their cleanliness?!

The Garbage King sits in the center of the chamber, he is a huge monster with a crown. Everything about his body is made of trash, from spaghetti hair to old newspapers for clothes.

MUDMy liege...These are no mere creatures. Yes, they are clean, but they do not despise filth as the Cleaners do.

This causes the senate floor to erupt in a barrage of shouts and arguments.

GARBAGE KINGOrder! Order! Or I will put you all by the curb!

The Garbage King bangs his turkey-carcass of a fist on the throne. The senate floor quiets back down.

GARBAGE KING (CONT'D)Clean creatures! Approach your king and speak your names.

Morty steps forward first, with Beth and Summer behind him.MORTY

My- My name is Morty, sir, and this is my Mom and Sister.

BETH(enthusiastic) Greetings, you asshole!

GARBAGE KING(outrage) What did you call me?!

Mud slinks up to Beth and whispers:MUD

I was just kidding about the asshole thing.

BETH(feigning sincerity) Thanks a lot.

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GARBAGE KINGTell me, Morty. Why shouldn't I just wipe you and your whole clean family out entirely?

MORTYBecause!

Morty has to think for a second, while the Garbage King looks on in anger. Morty then has an epiphany.

MORTY (CONT'D)Because, hating someone for being clean is just as bad as hating someone for being dirty! You're all just as bad as the Cleaners, and we're (to Beth and Summer) just as bad for not letting Rick be Rick.

On this revelation a slight, faded image of Rick and Jerry come into view right in front of Morty.

MORTY (CONT'D)Rick! Rick!

Suddenly the images fade away.GARBAGE KING

(alarmed) What is this janitorial sorcery?! They're trying to clean us all! Destroy them!

On the King's cue, catapults full of stinking garbage are rolled out onto the walls of the senate chamber as the senators leave and are replaced by soliders.

GARBAGE KING (CONT'D)On, my mark! Get set!

Cut to Beth.BETH

If I hear one more garbage pun...Cut back to Garbage King.

GARBAGE KINGLitter!

Cut back to Beth who shudders.MORTY

Guys! Time to run again!Morty, Beth, and Summer begin to run away from the senate chamber, out the front doors of the citadel as trash balls rain down on them from above. Mud does not follow. Morty

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stops.MORTY (CONT'D)

Come on, Mud!MUD

Sorry Morty, this is one piece of trash who isn't going to be thrown away.

Mud runs away in the opposite direction.BETH

Oh, come on! That wasn't even good.A large piece of trash from the catapult lands right next to the Smith family causing a huge crater to form and debris to fly everywhere. The Smiths begin running again.

CUT TO:

INT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - CONTINUOUSRick stands in the white abyss, wand device in hand, it is beeping like crazy.

RICKOkay, this is it, Jerry, my man, get ready to kiss this porcelain palace good night.

Rick turns a knob on the device and suddenly a gust of wind begins to swirl. Rick and Jerry have to plant themselves from blowing away.

RICK (CONT'D)Crap in a cradle, this isn't working. We haven't had enough character growth! Quick Jerry, hit me with another one of those sappy monologues!

JERRYUh, okay. So um...What was I saying again?

Jerry beings to sweat profusely, the nerves of the situation obviously getting to him.

RICKOh, goddamit Jerry! you can't even do Jerry things under pressure? What's the point of you?

Jerry is still freaking out.

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JERRYUm, okay, so, um...To start out, oh god-

Jerry bends down and throws up O.S.RICK

Oy. As always, Rick, this one is up to you, you good looking bastard.

Rick walks over to Jerry and gives him a helping hand, standing him up. Jerry is still dazed from the pressure.

RICK (CONT'D)(clears throat) Jerry. Oh god...Jerry, in all my travels to distant planets and unexplored universes, I can honestly say you are not the worst guy I've ever known.

After this line a faint Morty, Beth, and Summer appear, standing right in the middle of the room, looking terrified, they start to flicker between being there and not there. Rick sees this and knows it is working.

RICK (CONT'D)And I completely understand why Beth would want to have a relatively clean house to come home to instead of dealing with my messes...

Morty, Beth, and Summer flicker less and become more substantial at the same time as the white abyss beings to disappear and is replaced with Garbage City. Rick walks over to the still flickering Morty

RICK (CONT'D)And finally...Morty, you aren't dead to me, buddy. Dealing with your cowardly, moronic father has taught me that you are one kickass sidekick, and...And I wouldn't trade you for anyone.

With this, the white abyss vanishes and Rick and Jerry join Morty, Beth and Summer in a valley of Garbage City, apparent by the heaps of garbage everywhere and small streams of slime.

MORTYRick! Dad! Holy crud, where did you come from?

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BETHJerry!

Jerry and Beth hug each other and are then joined by Summer and Morty.

RICKAw yeah! Saved the day. Again. Swish!

In the distance we hear a booming voice.GARBAGE KING

Clean beings! Prepare to get trashed!

RICKYeah, alright! Liking this place already.

A large army of Garbage People appear with the Garbage King leading them, they have their catapults in tow, all pointed at the Smith family. They line up on the right side of the valley.

BETHIt's not the kind of trashed you want to be Dad, trust me.

In the distance, from the other side of the valley, another booming voice is heard.

BIO HAZARD LEADER Dirt suckers, prepare to be cleansed!

On the left side of the valley a large army of Bio-Hazard Men appear with their guns all pointed at the Smith family.

MORTYRick...Do something.

Rick is hitting the wand device, trying to get it to work.RICK

I'm trying man, but this thing is dead, Jerry and I used all the juice crossing over to your side of the line.

Cut to the garbage army who is preparing their catapults with garbage.

GARBAGE COMMANDERQuickly! There are clean men out there, gentlemen, ready to fight. In case we don't make it out, I

(MORE)

GARBAGE COMMANDER (CONT'D)

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just want to say...It has been an honor rolling around in garbage with you.

GARBAGE PLATOON( )in unison

Sir!Garbage Commander salutes proudly, fighting back a tear.One of Garbage Men starts to freak out and stands up, sweating profusely.

GARBAGE MANI can't take the puns anymore..I can't..Not one. More. Pun.

Garbage Man takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head causing garbage juice to spray on a different Garbage Man. Everyone in the platoon is quiet for a beat, and then they all erupt in laughter, pointing at the Garbage Man covered in juice. He too is laughing a little bit as we see the dead Garbage Man lying on the ground.Cut back to the Smith family who is huddled in a circle, right in the middle of the two warring sides. They all look panicked.The two sides commence the battle, with laser beams and catapult fire destroying both sides. Infantry divisions start to leave the cliff sides and the two armies meet up in the middle for hand-to-hand combat. The Smith family is in the middle of all of this, but is not getting hurt for the most part. Rick fires an occasional laser at any soldier that gets to close to their huddle.

BETHSeriously, Dad, anytime you want to end this lesson, that would be great.

RICKAh, it's a shame this all didn't work out, the "a la I Love Lucy" really went to town for you guys. If you had the stones to keep going you would have seen that the Haz-mat suit guys were really just the three of you (points to Beth, Morty and Summer)

A Bio-Hazard Man comes tearing towards the family on a warpath, Rick shoots him in the gut and he goes down, dead. Rick kicks the mask off and reveals it to be Summer's face. The family is all aghast and horrified.

23.

SUMMEROh my god!

RICKYeah! Imagine that revelation! Whoa boy, you want to talk about a lesson you never forget! God I love *burps* television...

MORTYAlright! We all get it Rick! The grass isn't always greener! Just get us the heck out of here! Now!

RICKOh, *shit*!

MORTYWhat? What!

Rick shoots his arm down the back side of his pants, and takes a moment to really dig up his ass to find what he is looking for.

RICKMmm...Mmm..Almost...Ah ha! Quatloo bay-bay!

Rick pulls, from up his ass, the shimmering Quatloo, in all it's shiny goodness. The moment this happens Jerry stops moving and stares at the Quatloo, eyes wide.

RICK (CONT'D)This bad boy has more than enough power to get us home.

Suddenly, Jerry pounces on Rick, grabbing his arm and trying to force the Quatloo from his hand.

JERRYYou told me you didn't have it! You lied to me! YOU LIED!!

Jerry is hissing and foaming at the mouth, he has gone crazy, reminiscent of Gollum from LOTR.

JERRY (CONT'D)Mineeeee!

Jerry grabs the Quatloo from Rick's hand and runs off into the fighting around them, which has greatly intensified.

RICKDammit! He stole the "a la I Love Lucy" too!

24.

MORTYDad! Come back!

Carnage is all around and the fighting is drawing nearer and nearer to the family, forcing them to back into each other, closer and closer.

RICK Well, I guess this is it, family. I always knew you'd die because of me, but never in a million years did I think I'd be the cause of my own death...

SUMMERMom!

The fighting has completely surrounded them, a laser beam shoots past Beth's head and she ducks suddenly. Bodies are being strewn just a few feet from them.

MORTYI guess this is it...I'm sorry I told you to cram it, Mom...

We can not see the Smith family anymore, the fighting has consumed them. All is lost, when suddenly a bright, white light shines through the area enveloping everything until all that is left is a white screen.

CUT TO:

INT. SMITH FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATERRick, Morty, Beth and Summer are completely fine, huddled around each other in the middle of the family room. A couple of feet next to them is Jerry, the "a la I Love Lucy" in his hand, proudly holding it in the air. He is squinting his face, obviously he does not realize whatever he was preparing for is now over.

MORTYWe're...We're okay.

BETHOh my god, Jerry!

Beth rushes to Jerry's side, once she grabs him, he collapses in her arms. Rick walks over to them and picks up the device that Jerry drops. He opens up the dial and examines it.

RICKFully charged from the Quatloo, you saved us you *fucking* lunatic.

Jerry, clearly exhausted, shirt ripped, and a little bloody,

25.

looks up at Rick.JERRY

Guess I'm not the worst guy in the universe, huh, Rick?

RICKIt sure was.

JERRYWhat?

RICK(same way) It sure was.

JERRYOh I get it, no respect. Even after heroically saving you, Jerry is still the big dummy.

RICK(same way) It sure was.

Morty goes over to inspect Rick, who is looking dead ahead and not moving at all.

RICK (CONT'D)(same way) It sure was.

On this line, Rick's forehead pops open to reveal some wires and lights, clearly he is a robot.From the next room, the real Rick, who has been absent from the entire episode, comes into the room and non-chalantly walks over to the malfunctioning robot Rick.

REAL RICKOh *shit* there's my Dummy Rick.

The family is all staring bullets at Rick, a mix of confusion and rage rushes through their faces.

REAL RICK (CONT'D)What the hell is your problem? Never seen a man with his anatomically-correct, robot dummy before? Yeesh...

Rick slowly carries away the robot Rick, it is heavy so the entire robot drags on the floor, making a loud screeching noise. The family is still locked in a stare with Rick. After a bump in the floor, the robot spits up some black oil and it falls to the carpet, causing corrosion and damage.

REAL RICK (CONT'D)Oops, sorry, heh, I'll clean that up later.

26.

Beth looks devastated. Rick leaves the room with the robot and the room is left totally silent. The four members of the family are left looking at each other in their beaten and battered states.

JERRYI really hate that guy.

CUT TO: ENDCREDITS

27.

28.