S. R. Hawkins

The Screwhawkins Letters

THESCREWHAWKINS

LETTERS

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1

My Dear Snakemetal,

My aren’t we a bit self congratulatory. I haven’t seen this sort of gloating

from a devil in training since Wastetime guided his patient to create that

show that even we of the underworld cringe at – Friends. In his case, his

celebrations were legitimate as it wasted away humanity for a decade and

continues to do so on syndicated cable networks.

But you, you have merely managed to mangle a family for a single year.

Granted, this was an accomplishment, one of which I am immensely proud,

but you still ought to watch the way you so glibly let your quill fly across the

burning parchment of the infernal regions.

Yes, this has been a year of great success for you. However, I admit I feel a

bit of pain to think you didn’t thank me for all the training which I have pro-

vided. Even among devils, ingratitude is frowned upon.

Enough about me though. Let’s get back to your patients. You say they feel

beaten down? Discouraged? Frustrated? Can’t wait for the year to end? You

take this to mean they are beaten, and they may be, but don’t cash in all your

chips just yet. Discouragement, frustration and anticipation can indeed lead

to despair and the punching of the ticket to the netherworld, but it can also

have the opposite effect, leading men to the Enemy’s camp.

You are toeing a fine line here. The constant pressures, problems and chal-

lenges you hurled against your patients this year was impressive. I thought

they would break months ago and yet they persist. You seem to think they

have lost their minds and are aiming for the enslavement by insanity plea. I

see more troubling possibilities.

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One of the great risks we run in our particular trade is the unpredict-

able nature of mankind. Over the many centuries we have studied, tempted

and tormented man, we still have a hell of a time (pun intended) figuring out

just how they will react in any given situation. This would all be considerably

easier too if the Enemy wasn’t constantly battling back against our greatest ef-

forts. One ounce of that most vile of reasoning - hope - can undo years or our

best work. And the Enemy is the consummate professional in inspiring man

with hope in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Just when you feel you have roped your patients in and are ready to give

the final pull, watching them plummet off the edge, screaming in agony, you

may just find they found a more sure footing.

While you seem immensely confident, I admit I am somewhat guarded.

Your patients have proved more resilient than I had imagined. Even now, I

wonder if I shouldn’t have added a companion to your efforts. After all, three

patients for one junior devil is out of the norm, and especially so when all

three are believers and firmly entrenched in the Enemy’s doctrines.

No matter. We will persist. And when I say we, I mean you. True, I will be

here to guide you, but let’s not forget that this was your assignment and you

have the responsibility of getting them here. Never lose sight of that as you

celebrate over the successes you’ve had, small as they may be.

The new year is fast approaching and promises to be a year of confusion

and excitement. What, with all that Mayan prophecy garbage the Human

Misguidance Department engineered, mankind is anticipating something

truly dramatic. And they will get plenty of drama, but only if we play our

cards well.

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwhawkins

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2

My Dear Snakemetal,

Ah! Illness. The most fantastically simple tool of discouragement in our

arsenal. I’m pleased to hear your patients have spent an entire year battling

one malady after another.

Humans look at illness considerably different from the way either we or

the Enemy see it. For mankind, illness is a plague sent directly from hell itself

to afflict and torment him. Depending on the severity of the illness, man will

see it as a nuisance to drive him crazy, an agony to be endured briefly (though

painfully) or a persistent life-draining penalty for something they must surely

have done wrong in their lives.

Of course, all these beliefs are false. We know we have no more power

over illness than we do over the weather – though strangely we are blamed

for this as well. Illness, being the natural result of mortality and the planet’s

ever-changing nature, is just one of the many sufferings mankind must

struggle to comprehend. True, we are more than happy to take credit where

no credit is due, but it’s shaky ground at best.

Sooner or later mankind gets smart to illness. They learn the source of it

and find ways to eradicate it where they can. When that most glorious of pe-

riods in human history collapsed – the Dark Ages (which has such an incred-

ible ring to it) – we knew we were in for trouble. Humanity was able to collect

ideas, share them and record for later retrieval. This led to a rapid rise in the

discovery of disease, germs and methods to prevent and cure.

This presents both problems and opportunities for us. The problem is ap-

parent in that mankind can solve the infirmities with which they are afflicted.

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True, they may suffer for awhile and curse their lives – much to our delight

– but it is fleeting and before we know it, they have recovered and are back

on with their lives.

On the other hand, the ingenuity of humans can play into our hands. Our

Ego Development Department long ago snared the majority of scientists,

fueling them with more ego than we ever thought possible. This has drawn

them so far away from the Enemy that they will buy anything we send their

way, much like the pharmaceutical companies they run.

These scientists gain confidence in themselves as they find cures for dis-

eases and radiate this through fancy advertising, gel-coated pills and soothing

creams. Their methods provide disgusting comfort to mankind and thwart

our discouragement attacks. At least we still have the joy of watching some of

their methods torment mankind, namely in the form of needles, vile-tasting

medicines and organic foods.

Because of the progress of their scientists, mankind begins to believe they

are brilliant and rely on their own abilities. This plays into our hands well. Any

time man begins to rely on himself, he is pulling away from the Enemy. And

whenever he makes a break from the Enemy, it is prime pickings for us.

So, when you see your patients get excited about a new prescription for

their eightieth illness of the year, don’t get too discouraged that their discom-

fort is coming to a close; take confidence in the fact that they place hope in

their fellow beings’ accomplishments. Don’t ever let them communicate with

the Enemy for help. He is more ready than ever to grant it. Keep them trust-

ing entirely on the results of their scientists. And when they get better? Press

them to thank the medicines rather than the Enemy.

Speaking of the Enemy, which I am loathe to do, he sees illness in yet an

entirely different manner. Like us, he sees sickness as the natural results of the

earthly condition, but he takes greater advantage of it than we traditionally

do, especially when the illness is prolonged.

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You see, the Enemy has healing abilities far beyond anything the scientists

can muster. But he hands out prescriptions in a manner that only he can see.

His first request is that man communicate to him and ask for assistance. He

wants to grant this and does so freely, but only if they ask.

Be careful of this. If your patients turn to the Enemy first, you may miss

out entirely on the opportunity to watch them squirm and lounge about in

bed all day, squandering away the hours of their lives. Make sure you place all

their confidence in the “genius” of mankind.

I take it from your last letter that you are particularly proud of the ill-

ness of the father. Again, I remind you that you had nothing to do with this. I

would also caution you that you are closer to losing him than gaining him in

this respect. Yes, he has dealt with his stomach conditions for years. He has

placed plenty of trust in the scientists and tried all their disgusting methods. I

must admit it must have been enjoyable to watch him drink that colonoscopy

preparation fluid and suffer the attending results.

But the results of that procedure have me worried. When he came back

with a clean bill of health, yet with all the problems remaining, you would

think he would give up altogether and become discouraged. I had high hopes

for this myself, but from what you tell me, your patient may already be deeper

in the Enemy’s grasp than I thought.

He doesn’t even try to do the doctor’s recommendations anymore? I don’t

think this is a success for you. I worry it means he trusts in the timetable and

devices of the Enemy and is willing to move forward with his life. This kind

of temperance and patience will create all sorts of grief for you. Winning him

back from this must be a priority. While you may have lost him in this regard,

you can whittle away his patience in other ways. We’ll get to those later.

Moving on to his wife now. You say she has dealt with pain and confusing

illnesses for the past three years. Like her husband, I worry she has learned

more than she should from this malady. Sadly for us, she also found the cure.

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Her resulting resurgence of health may prove more frustrating for us than

anything. Be careful not to let her use her energy in proactive ways. Distract

her with something - anything. Again, I fear you have lost this battle too.

From what you’ve said, it sounds as if she has further entrenched herself with

the Enemy’s cause, using her added energy to actively promote her efforts

with the young women with whom she works.

Finally, we come to that little one, the one with the cute smile that almost

makes me wonder if my heart of stone is malfunctioning. The illness card has

not particularly effected her this year beyond the visit to the emergency room

so early in the year. Although, I must admit the touch you put on delaying the

bill for that service until November was a stroke of brilliance.

Speaking of bills, I have somewhat to say to you in that department, but it

must wait until the next letter. Until then, be on guard. Remember, the Enemy

is actively engaged in building patience in your patients and you must use

your greatest efforts to counter this. Don’t let me down.

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwhawkins

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3

My Dear Snakemetal,

The root of all evil, you say? Don’t use the Enemy’s phrases, it’s not be-

coming of you. I know you find yourself clever when you attempt to turn the

phrase for your own amusement, but I find you woefully misguided in this

aspect. I have only myself to blame for this, I suppose.

Since you insist on using that phrase, let me break it down for you. If

money truly is the root of all evil – that being your primary goal – then you

are doing a lousy job of it because your patients have very little of it. That be-

ing the case, you are not getting them any closer to evil at all. I hope that smug

smile is off your face now that you realize clever catchphrases don’t mean a

thing. Action is what matters.

Money is a complex thing. It can play into our hands so nicely and has

done wonders for us through the centuries we have employed its misdirected

uses. It can also backfire on us though. As in all things, we must tread water

carefully here.

It is indeed good news that your patients are frustrated in this depart-

ment though. You say all the sicknesses have resulted in an effective draining

of their money? Wonderful! Perhaps I was a bit too hard on you in my last

letter. The illnesses may have indeed worked in our favor in a more indirect

route.

It was rather ingenious to try the bills blitz package. Nothing so wears

down a young family as destroying their savings with circumstances over

which they have no control. You say they’ve been asking, “Why me?” a lot?

Perfect! This is the first step to pulling them away from the Enemy. However,

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I wonder how exactly they are saying this. Those two words can work two

ways. Either they pull mankind away from the Enemy or they bring them

closer to him as they sincerely want an answer. One way is a curse. The other

is a request for guidance. Be sure which it is before gloating further.

I am rather pleased to hear just how effective the onslaught of bills has

been. The paltry sum your patient earns as a schoolteacher is laughable

– even to us, who created the salary. Humans are used to money coming and

going. Big gains and big losses have similar effects on the human psyche. But

the persistent chipping away at an income can destroy a man’s confidence.

As for the effective pay cut your patient took in his job in the second half

of the year, don’t take too much credit to yourself. That more to do with our

Government Corruption and Ignorance Department than anything you did.

True, you benefited greatly from this, and have done an artful job combining

this nearly thousand dollar a month cut with a never-ending supply of bills.

The results have been rather remarkable.

Be wary though. As long as this challenge has been, you run the risk of

your patients turning to the Enemy. You say they pray about it all the time?

And they’re actively seeking solutions? This is not good. Discouragement is

not true discouragement if it motivates to action. Inaction and despair are

partners. Action eliminates despair because it is attached to that disgusting

Enemy tactic of faith. Do not let them continue in this vein. If your patients

get really motivated they will find a solution and you will not like the results.

It’s particularly likely to happen if they are including the Enemy in their plans

and are working to find out what he wants them to do.

You must find a different tactic. I expect you can find plenty of time to

manage this if you focus on the task at hand rather than turning cute phrases.

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwhawkins

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4

My Dear Snakemetal,

The somber nature of your most recent correspondence tells me you

may have just learned something. You seem to be discouraged yourself at the

minimal progress you feel you have made. In this you err, not fully under-

standing just what progress you have made.

So you’ve dropped the ball on the inaction avenue? That’s a big loss, but

your redirection to other methods appear to be proving rather successful.

The route you have chosen is precisely what I hoped you would do. You may

just be a senior devil after all one day. Then again, that distinction may be a bit

premature.

If you can’t bring your patients to inaction, then prompting them to even

greater action is a perfect tactic. I hear you have kept them insanely busy with

a combination of mundane and worthwhile things. This is good. If you push

them too hard to only do mundane activities, they will eventually awaken to

the pointless nature of their lives and seek greater fulfillment, which will bring

them to the Enemy. If you guide them too much to do worthwhile activities,

they will do good for the Enemy. Either way we lose.

So giving some of both aspects is a good tactic. Be sure to push more

in favor of the mundane though. Even a 60 percent mundane to 40 percent

worthwhile breakdown is enough to subtly lead them away to captivity.

There are plenty of fantastic mundane activities out there. The creation of the

Internet by our servant Algoricus has led to countless wasted hours, all in the

guise of keeping mankind busy.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if whatever progress you have made in keep-

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ing your patients busy is tilting more to the worthwhile than not. They are

actively engaged in the Enemy’s church and hold prominent positions. This

is not good. Yes, they are busy and spend nearly every evening of their week

doing something, but they are doing it for the Enemy.

Your best hope in this case is to push them harder. Do not let them read

the Enemy’s manual, which cautions against running faster than they have

strength.

Push them to do more and more. This may seem counter intuitive, after

all it is having them do work in the Enemy’s cause. While this may be true,

I am sure you will find if they are doing too much work, too often, they will

find their tasks mundane and rote. They will be actively engaged, yes, but it

will be just another checklist item rather than a cause to celebrate the Enemy.

Again, do not let them read the Enemy’s instruction manual. That simple act

alone has caused more junior devils to fail than anything else.

Unfortunately for you, the Hades Intelligence Agency recently provided

me a report that your patients have indeed been reading the Enemy’s instruc-

tion manual. They are also finding joy in their service for the Enemy.

I fear you may have lost here as well. You are not doing nearly as well with

your patients as you believe. Yes, you threw a magnificently difficult year

against them. They have had little to no reprieve from any of it all year, but

I am afraid you sadly underestimate the power of the Enemy and the effect

hope has on your patients.

Also, your dreams of another year with similar results are not likely to

come to fruition. It is a rare case for consecutive painful years to strike your

patients. In fact, based on their pattern, they thrive in even years and struggle

in odd years. Unfortunately for you, next year is even.

You are running out of time. You had better prepare something impres-

sive quickly, but I fear you won’t even be able to muster this. We are in the

enemy’s season now and your patients’ focus is on family, not material goods.

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If I were you, I would start begging for mercy from our master. Who knows,

you may get lucky and be reassigned to an easier case. I hear there’s an open-

ing in Hollywood.

Your affectionate, though disappointed uncle,

Screwhawkins