Stageplay

Limp Biscuit

Slightly run-down theater stage. Brian seated in

audience when Josh enters onstage.

JOSH

(overly excited)

Thanks again for letting me audition last minute, bro.

Sorry for bringing these dbags along ...

(Points to under-eye bags, thinks this

joke is hilarious)

... but I stayed up all night watching Usher videos on

YouTube for inspiration.

BRIAN

What kind of Sig Ep Phi brother would I be if I didn’t

use my newfound director power for good?

JOSH

SIG SIG SIG / EP EP EP / OHHHHHH PHI

BRIAN

heh. Nepotism, thy name is theater.

(Josh laughs too hard)

You don’t know what nepotism means, do you?

JOSH

(Ignores) Did you know that Usher Raymond is the IV,

which means there are THREE other Ushers out there,

probably just as awesome at dancing and singing as he

is! That’s some crazy shit, man.

BRIAN

(slightly sarcastically)

Certainly is. Almost as crazy as this situation.

JOSH

What?

BRIAN

What have you got for me?

(Josh rubs hands together as if

preparing dinner)

JOSH

So I couldn’t find much information about this "Avenue

Q" play -- Google kept redirecting me to some queer

website for The Muppet Babies -- but Googling did teach

me that Green Day wrote a musical ... which, in

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

JOSH (cont’d)addition to being bad ass is what I will be singing and

dancing to.

BRIAN

Whenever you’re ready.

JOSH

(clears throat, affects British accent

for intro)

The medley I selected comes from my favorite 90s CD,

"Dookie," and also the more recent "American Idiot."

(clears throat)

I walk a lonely road / The only one that I have ever

known. (Robot dances) Don’t know where it goes / But

it’s home to me and I walk alone

BRIAN

(clears throat)

JOSH

(makes Sarah Palin pistol fingers)

One, 21 guns / Lay down your arms, give up the fight

BRIAN

Josh ...

JOSH

(starts bounce jumping)

I did it all for the Dookie / yeah / the dookie / yeah

/ so you can take that cookie / and stick it up your

...

BRIAN

(interjects)

THANK YOU. That last song was Limp Bizkit, not Green

Day. And he did it all for the nookie.

JOSH

Who doesn’t do it all for that? (chuckles) Gotta pour

some out for my homie, Fred Durst sometimes.

(pantomimes pouring on the floor)

BRIAN

I don’t think what you just did qualifies as "pouring

some out." Josh, is this a joke to you?

JOSH

What?!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

BRIAN

I’ve worked two-and-a-half years to get the chance to

direct my first mainstage show, and you choose an

audition song by someone who selected the adjective

"limp" as a descriptor for himself?

JOSH

Not himself, the biscuit.

BRIAN

Whatever, Josh. This is stupid. I have a calc exam

tomorrow and no time for this.

JOSH

I know my calculus. It says you plus me equals us.

BRIAN

I want to punch you in the face so much right now but

I’m auditing "Peaceful Protest 101" this semester.

(Rises from chair to leave)

JOSH

Dude, ok. I’ll stop. I just really need this part, Bri.

My Dad is threatening to stop tuition since I’m

failing.

BRIAN

(sighs)

I can’t have this show become a joke.

JOSH

(Thinks for a minute)

I swear to you on the keg of our founding brothers that

I will not do anything onstage to embarass you or

"Avenue Q."

BRIAN

Did you prepare a monologue?

JOSH

I have "The Vagina Monologues."

BRIAN

(sighs)

JOSH

Totally kidding. I memorized something from "Good Will

Hunting."

BRIAN

Okay, let’s hear it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

JOSH

(clears throat, pauses then begins)

Look, you’re my best friend so don’t take this the

wrong way. In 20 years, if you’re still living here,

coming over to my house to watch the Patriots game,

still working construction, I’ll f*cking kill you.

That’s not a threat; that’s a fact. I’ll f*cking kill

you. Look, you got something none of us have. You don’t

owe it to yourself. You owe it to me. Cause tomorrow,

I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be 50. And I’ll still be

doing this shit. And that’s alright, that’s fine.

You’re sitting on a winning lottery ticket, and you’re

too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that’s bullsh*t.

Cause I’d do anything to have what you got. So would

any of these f*cking guys. It will be an insult to us

if you’re still here in 20 years.

BRIAN

(Long pause, trying to process the

surprise of Josh’s incredible monologue)

That ... That was really good, Josh.

JOSH

Thanks, dude. Ben Hoofleck did it better.

BRIAN

No seriously. I mean ... this is a puppet musical. That

was ...

JOSH

For realzie? Oh, almost forgot the puppet routine!

(Starts pantomiming puppets)

BRIAN

Josh, Josh. That’s ok. You got the part. (Pause) If you

try anything on stage though, I will line up the

fraternity paddle wall.

JOSH

(relieved)

Brosep, you’re the greatest. I owe you. Which part?

BRIAN

(Thinks) Dookie Monster, Kate Monster’s

annoying-but-lovable friend.(smirks) Typecasting is

only fair.