The Set Where No Man Has Gone Before

__________________________

A one-act play

Concept by Mark Larson and Billy Harrison

Written By Thomas Williamson and Billy Harrison

PROLOGUE

(Within the blackness and silence, a recording plays of John F. Kennedys speech about a man on the moon by the end of the decade.

Near the end of the speech, Also sprach Zarathustra - Sunrise (the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme) plays.)

SCENE 1

(Once the music plays, stage opens at a USSR airport.

Four scientists - DR. SURESH, DR. MOODY, DR. REINHART, and DR. KIRSH - and JOHN CORMAN, a B movie & documentary filmmaker, sit and wait.)

JOHN CORMAN(to Dr. Reinhart)

Exciting isnt it?(No response.)

Just think of what we are doing right now. An unimaginable breakthrough and Ill be there to film it all.

DR. REINHARTDo you mind staying quiet for just a few minutes?

JOHN CORMANHey, dont flip your wig at me; Im just trying to have a conversation.

DR. REINHARTSorry, Im just not comfortable with this documentary thing.

JOHN CORMANRelax. Its all good. You dont need to feel uncomfortable.

DR. REINHARTWell, youre also not taking this space race seriously.

JOHN CORMANI AM taking it seriously.

(Dr. Reinhart looks at John and shakes his head.)

DR. MOODY To be honest, I dont get it. I mean I like you, but why did they choose you?

JOHN CORMANI think I was chosen because of my work with men like Stanley Kubrick. I worked with him on the space movie.

DR. SURESH(turning to John)

You worked on that movie?

JOHN CORMANYes I did.

DR. SURESHI love that movie. What did you do?

JOHN CORMANI worked on some scenes as either a boom pole operator or as Mr. Kurbicks gofer. Im an adaptable person.

DR. SURESHThats fascinating.

DR. KIRSHA gofer? How does a gofer become the filmmaker NASA hires to document the space race?

JOHN CORMANI dont know. Maybe its because of my own films like Barry the Cosmic Lizard and Birds: A Humble Documentary.

(A KGB officer enters R. He takes out his walkie-talkie.)

HIGHER UP KGB OFFICER (OFFSTAGE)Alright, you know what you are doing, yes?

2.

KGB OFFICERYeah. Im pretty sure. Yeah, lets go with that.

(Higher up KGB Officer lets out a long sigh.)

HIGHER UP KGB OFFICERNow remember, you need to bring them in ALIVE. These scientists could be the key for our victory over America.

KGB OFFICEROkay. And dont worry, I have the perfect plan.

(The KGB officer, dressed in a morphsuit, tries to sneak around the group inconspicuously. Instead he is a complete klutz. The group looks at what hes doing.)

DR. MOODYWhats up with him?

DR. KIRSHMost likely a street performer.

JOHN CORMANMost likely not. Street performers cant be easily controlled, so the Soviets banned street performing.

DR. SURESH(groaning)

Oh no! The airport currys getting to me!

(Dr. Suresh exits L. The KGB officer exits L right after Suresh.)

DR. KIRSH Man Im bored. I wish our plane could arrive sooner.

(Dr. Suresh groans.)

JOHN CORMANJeez, that curry really tore him up! Am I right?

3.

(The scientists look sarcastically at his sad attempt to crack a joke.

The KGB officer enters L dressed as Dr. Suresh.)

KGB OFFICER(in a horrible Indian accent)

Hey, my mind skipped a few beats. Remind me what we are doing?

(The scientists and John look at him.)

DR. MOODYWhat?

KGB OFFICERI forgot why we are going to America. I would like some information on what we will be doing once we get there.

DR. KIRSHWho are you?

KGB OFFICERYou know me! Im-

(He looks into Dr. Sureshs wallet.)

Dr. Tamil Suresh. Indian... botanist.

DR. REINHARTListen. I dont know what youre doing Dr. Suresh, but please dont bother us. We have to concentrate on our mission.

(A beat.)

KGB OFFICERWell this failed.

(KGB officer pulls out a gas mask and pulls out a smoke grenade. Blackout.

We hear bangs and grunts. The stage lights up and all but John are gone. John wakes up.)

4.

JOHN CORMAN(looking around)

Oh no! Dr. Kirsh left his Mickey pen! Wait, where is he? Where are the others?

(John notices a note on the ground. He picks it up. He reads it while making a strange face.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (OFFSTAGE)Flight 3153 is now boarding.

JOHN CORMANOh no, oh man. Oh man, oh no! This cant be happening! Why? I dont know what to do now. Should I try to find them or is it too late? I should go and find them. Theyre important to the project. NASA will crumble without them. But Ill miss the flight, and even then, the search will most likely be in vain. Why did this have to happen?! Stop. Calm down, John. Think this through. Theyre gone. Thats it, and all the searching would be pointless. I might as well take the flight. Its better to let NASA know what happened.

(John exits DR.)

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 2

(A party is being set up at a NASA boardroom.)

LAWRENCE SIMMONSThis will be amazing. Revolutionary!

HOWARD COXI dont know. Maybe this wont work.

STEVE CLARKHoward, why must you always be doubtful? This will be fun. And soon enough, well be the biggest thing since, oh I dont know, Roger Sherman.

(The scientists look at one another in confusion.)

5.

LAWRENCE SIMMONSGeez, I hope well be more famous than that.

HOWARD COXBut our technology is limited. Something could go wrong.

STEVE CLARKThat wont be problem.

(The intern and DR. TOM PAINE, Administrator of NASA, enter UL.)

TOM PAINEHow are things coming along? Is everything ready?

STEVE CLARKJust about, sir. When will they arrive?

TOM PAINEIn a few minutes.

INTERNWhy all this confetti? Dont you think its a little much?

TOM PAINEWell intern, its because we will soon be in the presence of intelligent and important scientists. Theyve contributed to many parts of science - astronomy, engineering, physics, cosmology - but they will never be known in history.

INTERNWhys that?

(Paine throws his glasses.)

TOM PAINEI dont know, intern! Its just gonna be like that!. But its important to have them here in order to complete the greatest accomplishment in human history!

(Door knocks.)

LAWRENCE SIMMONSTheyre here! Hurry everyone! Hide!

6.

(Everyone moves to a certain spot. The door opens.)

ALLSurprise! Welcome to NASA!

(The scientists cheer. John Corman enters and the cheering fades.)

JOHN CORMANOh guys. You shouldnt have.

(John hugs Paine)

TOM PAINEGet off me! Where are they? Where are the scientists?

JOHN CORMANWhuh? Oh! Yeah, about that... uh... they...

TOM PAINEThey what?

JOHN CORMANThey were kidnapped.

ALL(each overlapping the other)

What do you mean? How? Are they alive?

JOHN CORMANThere was this guy, who I think was dressed as a scientist to fool us. Then out of nowhere, he smoked the place and they were gone!

TOM PAINEThats it? Did you try to find them? Did you check the bathrooms? I hear the airport curry can...

(Pain circles his fingers. The scientists nod and agree.)

JOHN CORMANI couldnt. The plane was just boarding when it happened. Though I was left with this.

7.

(John gives Paine the letter. Paine throws off another pair of glasses.)

TOM PAINEA note? Men, this is serious.

(Pain looks for his glasses but cant find them. The intern gives him a pair of glasses.

He opens and reads the letter.)

TOM PAINEIts written in some sort of code.

(The intern flips the note over.)

KGB OFFICER (OFFSTAGE)Greetings, capitalist pigs. I decided to leave you this letter. If you got this, your precious scientists have been terminated. I dont know what your ultimate goal is, but it has been stopped. Mark my words. You will know Soviet power.

(A strange laugh follows the letter. Each person makes a startled or shocked face. Some scream in horror.)

LAWRENCE SIMMONSHoly fiesta, Tom! Lunch is in fifteen and were out of burritos!

TOM PAINEOh my! Lawrence, thanks for notifying me! Men, lets shift our attention to a true crises.

INTERNAre you serious? Youre more worried about burritos than the upcoming moon launch? What about the scientists? What about the press? They might find out about this.

TOM PAINEShut up, intern! The scientists are dead. Why are you worried about the press? Were part of the government, and the press likes the governement.

8.

How do you think Kennedy and Monroe kept it going? Howard, get the intern to get our lunch and restock the burritos while we focus on the problem at hand: the space mission.

LAWRENCE SIMMONSTom, thats brilliant.

TOM PAINEI know right? Now back to the matter at hand. As you all know, the men that were terminated today were not mere scientists. They were ROCKET scientists that had important classified information for the rocket ship. Their parts were the most important of all in completing the spacecraft. Now that they are gone, what are going to do about the moon landing?

STEVE CLARKWhy dont we just rebuild the rocket ship?

TOM PAINEOh yeah. Just build a rocket ship within a few months, Steve. Im pretty sure everyone here knows how to build a rocket ship. Anyone? Anyone?

JOHN CORMANHold on!

(Everyone looks at John.)

JOHN CORMANWhat if we faked it?

TOM PAINE(throwing his glasses)

Explain.

JOHN CORMANThink about it. A black curtain, some rocks, and dumb looking suits. Cheap and accessible. Look, I fake things and tell lies for a living, so lets tell the greatest lie to the whole world.

TOM PAINEBy George, youre right! Men, this man right here will save America! He will help us in our ongoing victory over the Soviets.

9.

INTERNBut the Soviets were the first to launch a satellite and man into space.

TOM PAINEShut up, Intern!

(Paine hits the intern with a clipboard.)

John, can we work on this immediately?

JOHN CORMANAbsolutely.

TOM PAINEMen, there is a chance!

(Everyone cheers.)

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 3

(The film crew enters with different parts for the filming. John, Paine, the scientists, and the intern enter UL.)

JOHN CORMANListen up everyone. Thank you all for coming. This could not be accomplished without all of you.

CRAIG WHITEWe havent even done anything.

JOHN CORMANDoesnt matter. Our job today is to pull off a convincing film about two astronauts who went to the moon.

HOWARD COXThree. Three were going to the moon.

JOHN CORMANThree? Well, I could only find two actors. So how do we write him out of this?

10.

INTERNMaybe the third guy will stay in the Lunar Module while the other two observe and collect parts of the moon.

(a beat.)

JOHN CORMANThats the dumbest idea Ive ever heard, and Ive heard some really dumb ideas.

STEVE CLARKYeah, it would never work.

LAWRENCE SIMMONSWait a minute, guys. What if the third guy stays in the space thing-a-mo-bob while the other two wonder on the moon?

TOM PAINE(throwing his glasses)

Brilliant!

JOHN CORMANAbsolutely.

INTERNWait! That was my-

TOM PAINEShut up, intern!

(Paine hits the intern with a ruler.)

HOWARD COXWhen will the actors arrive?

JOHN CORMANI dont know. I just told them to come here. In the meantime, lets get this party started.

(John crosses to TOM ISBELL.)Hey Tom.

TOM PAINEYeah.

11.

JOHN CORMAN(to Paine)

No, not you.

TOM PAINEOh.

JOHN CORMAN(to Isbell)

Do you have the space do-dat completed?

TOM ISBELLThe module?

JOHN CORMANWhatever.

TOM ISBELLYes, I do.

JOHN CORMANPerfect. Set it up for me, will you?

TOM ISBELL(mumbling)

I served in the second world war just to be part of a hoax. What has this world come to?

(Isbell exits R.)

JOHN CORMANRob, are the rocks in there right place?

ROB WATSON(holding a rock with a C on it.)

Almost.

JOHN CORMANFinish it.

ROB WATSONWell, Im actually on lunch so...

JOHN CORMANJust do it! Mikey, is the curtain black?

12.

MIKE KINGSo black its unbelievable.

JOHN CORMANGood. Nothing short of fantastic.

MIKE KINGRight on.

JOHN CORMANScott, you have the lights ready?

SCOTT MILLER(facing the opposite way with sunglasses on and a cane.)

They are perfect as I can see.

JOHN CORMANIll take your word for it. Merde, are the costumes ready?

ANDREW MERDEIs a bear Catholic?

(a beat.)

JOHN CORMAN(quickly)

Alright. Is there anything else I missed? No? Good. Lets fake a moon landing.

(Knocking. The intern looks UL.)

INTERNI think the actors are here.

TOM PAINEHeres a tip, intern. Never say I think or I suppose. Its unprofessional and just stupid!

(Paine smacks the intern on the back of his head.)

JOHN CORMANWell if its the actors, I suppose we should let them in.

13.

TOM PAINE(taking off his glasses.)

Exactly what I was thinking. Intern, let them in.

(The intern walks to open the door but is stampeded by JOSH and JOSHUA.)

TOM PAINEGreetings, you are...

JOSHJosh.

TOM PAINEAnd you are...

JOSHUAJoshua.

JOSH & JOSHUAWere brothers.

TOM PAINEYou parents must have been very creative when it come to baby names.

JOSH & JOSHUAThank you.

JOHN CORMANWhats up guys. Im so glad to see yall. Heres the script and the costumes are out back. Just go put on the suits, go over the lines, and everything will be fine.

(Josh and Joshua exit UR.)

CRAIG WHITEIt seems like youre pretty familiar with those guys. Where did you find them?

JOHN CORMANIts a funny story. I was assigned by my agent to film in San Francisco. I think it was at the neighborhood called The Haight or something like that.

14.

So I went and thats all I remember. Soon enough, I was in my car, they were there with me, and we managed to become friends.

(Everyone looks at John as if hes crazy.)

ANDREW MERDE(changing the subject)

Hey, are you two ready?

JOSHUAYeah. I think we are.

ANDREW MERDEYou two better not have ripped them. I worked hard on those costumes.

JOHN CORMANAlright guys, lets see it.

(Josh and Joshua enter UR with cheep unconvincing costumes.)

TOM PAINE(taking off his glasses)

John, that is the single most convincing space suit Ive ever seen.

ANDREW MERDEIm glad you like it, sir.

(Isbell enters R.)

TOM ISBELLIve got the module all set up.

SCOTT MILLERI sense the light not being the same.

TOM ISBELLReally, Captain Obvious. I just moved in the module.

SCOTT MILLEROh great. Now the lightings messed up. Ill have to start all over again.

15.

TOM ISBELLIm sorry, but-

MIKE KINGMy rocks! My beautiful rocks! How could you do this? Your set piece ruined my perfect rock placements.

TOM ISBELLOkay. If thats how ya feel, then take your lights and your rocks and you can-

JOHN CORMANAlright everybody, get into position! Lets film!

(Everybody gets into position for the filming.)

JOHN CORMANLights. Camera. Action!

(Suddenly knocking. The intern walks over to the door.)

JOHN CORMANOh come on! Who could that be?

(The intern gasps.)

INTERNIts President Nixon!

TOM PAINEWhat?! How did he find out?

INTERNWait, you never told the President of the United States about this?

TOM PAINEOf course I wouldnt you idiot!

(Paine hits the intern with a clipboard.)

You dont tell the president youre gonna fake the one responsibility you have!

16.

INTERNIt that the only reason you didnt tell him?

TOM PAINENo, thats not the only reason, intern. Do you see this? This would also be seen as a government conspiracy led by the President. He wouldnt be able to shake it off his reputation. He would have to do something drastic, like resign the presidency if he is believed to have been part of a cover-up by the federal government. Duh!

JOHN CORMANHe found out anyway. Just let him in.

(Intern opens the door. RICHARD NIXON enters UL. Two bodyguards follow.)

TOM PAINEGreetings, Mr. President. Glad to see you here.

(Paine goes to shake Nixons hand. No response, Paine brings back his hand.)

Sorry we didnt tell you of this, sir. The intern forgot to notify the White House of this project.

(Nixon does not respond. Instead, he walks and looks around the room.)

JOHN CORMANSo. What do you think? Pretty awesome, isnt it?

(Everyone looks at John. They know he was being disrespectful, but John doesnt realize what he did. Nixon looks to John.)

RICHARD NIXONActually, its spectacular. Everything is perfect and you men are doing just fine.

JOHN CORMANSweet.

17.

RICHARD NIXONI must say that Im mostly impressed with you. Ive heard of you, but now I see what youre capable of. But its not just you. In all my years, Ive never seen a group of men capable of putting this all together. Im glad to see what is being accomplished here at NASA. Keep up the good work.

(Nixon shakes Johns hand.)You sir are a revolutionist.

(Nixon and his bodyguards exits UL. Slight pause. Everyone but John is shocked.)

INTERNWell that happened.

TOM PAINEYeah. Yeah it did.

JOHN CORMANNo matter, lets start.

(Everyone hustles around the stage to get everything set up.)

JOHN CORMANReady. And... action!

(Josh and Joshua reenact the moon landing.)

JOSHHey mom! Im really on the moon and its really amazing!

JOHN CORMANCut. Josh, something isnt right. Something about that line is just not working.

JOSHMaybe I could say really a few more times.

JOHN CORMANThat might do the trick.

18.

INTERNWhat about changing the line? How about something like, Thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

JOHN CORMANBe quiet intern. Youre not helping. Look, just come up with something.

JOSHOkay.

JOHN CORMANReady and action!

(Josh reenacts Neil Armstrongs step on the moon.)

JOSHThats one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

JOHN CORMANCut!

JOSHWhy?

JOHN CORMANI just wanted to take the time to say that was perfect. A poetic line that will be remembered throughout history. Where did you come up with that?

JOSHMy brain.

INTERNAre you serious? You heard it from-

JOHN CORMANDont care, intern.

(As the dialogue continues, the intern walks over to the C rock and tries to fix it.)

Joshua, youre lacking expression. Sell it to me. Make me believe you are amazed.

19.

(John notices the intern.)What are you doing?

INTERNIm fixing a problem. This rock will give away the hoax.

(Tom walks over to the intern.)

TOM PAINEIntern. For the sake of our country, SHUT UP AND GET OFF THE SET!

(Tom smacks him with a trash can. Tom fixes the C rock back to its original spot. Everyone moves back to their spots.)

JOHN CORMANOkay. Ready. Set. Action!

(The moon landing reenactment resumes.)

JOHN CORMANAnd cut! Alright guys, thats a wrap!

(Everybody cheers.)

TOM PAINESo now what do we do?

JOHN CORMANWe edit and release.

LAWRENCE SIMMONSWill that take long?

JOHN CORMANAbsolutely not. Come on.

(All exit.)

BLACKOUT.

20.

SCENE 4

(The scientists, John, Paine, and the intern are sitting down absolutely bored.)

LAWRENCE SIMMONSHow long has it been since we started editing?

STEVE CLARKAbout four months.

INTERNFour months? Sir, what is the exact date?

TOM PAINE(looking at a calendar.)

July 19th. (a beat.)

Oh.(to John.)

John, is the film all done?!

JOHN CORMANYeah, whats the problem?

TOM PAINEI realized that the spaceship is launching today.

ALLWhat?!

JOHN CORMANWhy are yall freaking out?

STEVE CLARKDid you forget the fact that we are NASA? This isnt RKO or Paramount, kid. Were lucky enough to be at the launch command.

JOHN CORMANWait. If were at the launch command, where is the spaceshi-

(All point forward.)

21.

JOHN CORMANWow. It looks so cool yet so fake.

INTERN(under his breath)

Youre one to talk.

JOHN CORMANHold on. Is anyone in the spaceship?

TOM PAINENo. Before the filming, I told the rest of NASA to just fill the inside of the rocket with parts and what-not. I guess thats how the President found out.

NASA COUNTDOWN (OFFSTAGE)Apollo 11 launch will commence in T-Minus two minutes.

(Everyone screams and panics.)

TOM PAINEWhat are we going to do?!

LAWRENCE SIMMONSI dont know! The countdowns going and I dont have my popcorn!

TOM PAINEThats even worse!

INTERNWait! Whats the big deal?

TOM PAINEWhats the big deal? The big deal is that we focused on the film and now were ill prepared for the launch.

INTERNYoure ill prepared? How?

TOM PAINETheres a specific way to handle a launch. It takes time, focus, and precision. With only two minutes, we cant possibly do a proper launch without something backfiring!

22.

INTERNYou know what? Ive had it! You guys have been the biggest jerks ever! You guys are selfish, arrogant, and incompetent! You guys are so inconsiderate, you dont even know my name!

JOHN CORMANWhat IS your name?

INTERNIts Austin Onnington.

STEVE CLARKReally? Thats such a dumb name. Can anyone actually believe his last name is ONNINGTON?

(All laugh.)

LAWRENCE SIMMONSYeah. Onnington... Onnington... Onningto-

(gasp)Guys I figured it out!

HOWARD COXWhat?

LAWRENCE SIMMONSWe forgot to press the on button!

ALLOh!

TOM PAINEWhy didnt we think about it beforehand? Now where is it?

STEVE CLARK(pointing to a big red button.)

I think its this one.

(Steve pushes the button.)

NASA COUNTDOWN (OFFSTAGE)Lift-off in ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Lift-off!

(Everyone cheers.)

23.

TOM PAINEPerfect! Absolutely perfect!

JOHN CORMANWhat about the film?

TOM PAINEI guess will show it about a day later. Itll be more convincing if we give it some time before we show the film. Anyway! I am proud of all of you. We have done a fine job. I would especially like to thank Mr. John Corman and myself for we are the ones that made this all possible. Mr. Onnington!

INTERNYes?

TOM PAINEGo get us some champagne. Youve done nothing productive this whole time.

INTERN(bringing the sparkling cider.)

Well, can I join in the celebration?

TOM PAINEAbsolutely not, intern!

(Paine hits the intern with a clipboard.)

JOHN CORMANYou know, I wonder what the American people will think of this.

TOM PAINE(taking off his glasses.)

I dont know, John. I dont know.

(A montage starts of the American people reacting to the moon landing. First an American family.)

SONFather, this is absolutely incredible. I cannot believe this is happening.

24.

FATHERI know, son. I know. Its truly an event to behold. Now go mow the lawn, son. We need to keep our reputation as the most generic late 60s family in America.

(Next, a redneck family.)

REDNECK ROBAw yeh!! We showd dem Ruskies the merican betterness!

BILLIE JOEYew know what dis mean?

LARRY JAYYeh. I now get my ten dollers, Bob!

BILLIE JOENo yew dunce. Dis means a dippin party!!

REDNECKSWoo!!

(Finally, two hippies sitting on the floor.)

HIP JIMMan. What if the moon landing was a hoax?

BOBWhat?

HIP JIMI mean, its only 1969. Do we really have the technology to put someone on the moon?

BOBI dont get what youre saying.

HIP JIMJust listen to me. Like what if the government lied to us about the moon landing?

BOBNah, that cant be true.

FIN.

25.