The skills you need to make the next jump in your online engagement career…Todd Nilson, FeverBee Limited@toddnilson

“Communication leads to community, that is, to

understanding, intimacy, and mutual valuing.”

-- Rollo MayAmerican Existential Psychologist

Task:Consider your most recent community interaction or conversation with executive leadership….

Full psyche/ nuanced

Reason-basedRoteClueless

Scale of Persuasion Understanding

Sure, I’ll give it a try!

Let’s appeal to their

motivations.

According to classic

persuasion method...

Logically, you must comply.

Most of us get stuck at the final 1% of mastery

In fact, more often than we care to admit, technology mediation of our communications make us come off as...

Your patience is appreciated as we process your request. Please refrain from additional online interactions until your post has been processed in our moderation queue….

COME JOIN THE COMMUNITY!

IT’S AWESOME!! WE’LL HAVE SO

MUCH FUN!!! LOL

Hey, would I steer you

wrong?

How can we master that last 1% of skill that has already brought us this far?

What is holding us back?

Where can we look for an answer?

Introducing… microskills?

Attending Behaviors

Questioning

Responding

Influencing

Observing

Noting / Reflecting on Meaning

Confronting

Focusing

Credibility

Understanding

Driving Behavior Change

Attending Behaviors“To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful.”

-- Edward R. Murrow

Attending BehaviorsWhat is it? When to use? In person Online

The behavioral aspect of building rapport, credibility and trust by paying focused attention

Throughout your interactions, particularly important early in any conversation

Attentive body language like nodding, showing interested eye contact, tone of voice

“Uh-huh.”

Responding quickly, summarizing effectively and asking intelligent questions

“Tell me more.”

Caution: Be aware of the cultural context of your conversations.

Understanding: ObservingWhat is it? When to use? Example

Skilled observation lets you note discrepancies / incongruencies in what’s being communicated

Useful throughout any conversation

Observe body language, word choices, word emphasis

“Whenever you talk about the blog feature, your left eye twitches…”

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Understanding: QuestioningWhat is it? When to use? Example

Effective questioning techniques can help guide high-impact conversations

Encourage with what, why, how and could questions

Important throughout, but essential to ask good questions in early discussion

To pinpoint issues

To open new areas for discussion

“What would you like to accomplish today?”

"When does the problem occur?”

Caution: Asking too many questions can cool desire to participate. Also…

Understanding: Questioning

Recognize Problematic Question Techniques

1. Bombardment / grilling2. Multiple questions3. Questions as statements 4. Questions and cultural differences5. Why questions (defensiveness)6. Closed questions

Understanding: RespondingWhat is it? When to use? Example

Confirm that you have heard correctly through paraphrasing, summary, and reflection of feelings

To be sure you have understood what is being said and to clarify if needed

“Let me see if I’ve got this right….”

“I heard you say…”

“Did I understand correctly when you said…?”

Influencing“Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper, you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.”

-- Groucho Marx

Noting and Reflecting on MeaningWhat is it? When to use? Example

Useful in understanding the emotional dimensions of what’s being heard

Different individuals can derive different meaning from the same event

Often used early in conversations to bring out underlying feelings, values and goals

“You seem disappointed about the results of the community engagement metrics…”

FocusingWhat is it? When to use? Example

Allows you to direct the flow of a conversation into a certain area

Types of focus: individual, problem, family/friends/ colleagues, you, culture/environment

Can be used anytime, but be careful to use it sparingly - you might cool interest or cause resentment

“You have talked a lot about the technology underpinnings of the online community, but I notice you’ve said nothing so far about making sure we have enough staff and a good playbook to ensure our success. Can we talk about that?”

ConfrontingWhat is it? When to use? Example

Increase self-awareness, highlight discrepancies that others may be unaware of

Often used when observing mixed messages or incongruities in behaviors, words, feelings, or thoughts

Caution: Only use after rapport and trust has been developed

“You say you would like to be more actively involved in the community, but you have passed up the last three times I asked for you to jump into a conversation…”

Image Source: pixabay.com

InfluencingWhat is it? When to use? Example

Influence can be used to change thoughts and behaviors more quickly and, in some cases, permanently

Used when the person you’re communicating with is open to exploring opportunities for change/improvement

“So, imagine if you were on the receiving end of the trolling behaviors you’re showing. Logically, how would you react to those combative behaviors? What might the consequences be?”

Breakdown of Influencing MicroskillsWhat is it? When to use? Example

Interpreting / reframing To provide an alternative way to view a situation that changes thought

Gain an additional day of life for each cigarette you don’t smoke….

Directing To recommend or specify a course of action you’d like to see adopted

You should stop smoking because it is going to kill you.

Advising / informing Use sparingly to provide new, useful information

Did you know that smoking can kill your cat?

SMOKING = NO CATS = NO CAT VIDEOS

Breakdown of Influencing MicroskillsWhat is it? When to use? Example

Self-disclosure To build trust & openness I used to be a smoker…

Feedback To show how others perceive behavior and thinking

Consider how your spouse views your smoking habit...

Logical consequences To provide an alternative frame of reference and show consequences

The latest research from Mayo shows that...

Influencing summary Used to sum up a meeting, end a discussion

As I undertand it, your smoking triggers are… And if you want to quit…

A continuous, iterative process...

Attending Behaviors

Questioning

Responding

Influencing

Observing

Noting / Reflecting on Meaning

Confronting

Focusing

Credibility

Understanding

Driving Behavior Change

Observing, Orienting

Deciding, Acting

What hats do you wear?

Attending Behaviors

Questioning

Responding

Observing

Psychiatry,CounselingMicroskills

Credibility

Understanding

Driving Behavior Change

Journalists, Politicians, Salesmen, UX Pros

Spies, Con Artists,

Magicians, Criminals

Short-term, more manipulative, one-

time behaviors

New habits, long-term behaviors, e.g.

increased collaboration, self-

improvement, trust & alignment

Comparing Influencing TacticsWhite Hat (Counseling) Gray Hat (Business/Politics) Black Hat (Criminal)

ReframingDirectingAdvising / informingSelf-disclosureFeedbackLogical consequencesInfluencing summaryConfrontingFocusingNoting / reflecting on meaning

Metaphor and analogyStorytellingReciprocitySocial proofPeer pressureGet public commitmentPriming agreementAuthority / confidenceSuggest scarcity / exclusivityDepersonalizationFast talking(Mild) swearingAtmospheric marketingUpselling

CoercionMisdirection and distractionExaggeration and deceptionRidicule and humiliationRemove confidenceIntimidation / threatThe “Sullivan Nod”

Takeaways

"Self-help gurus are always advising us to think positively and envisage success, but it’s about as helpful as thinking about cupcakes."

-- Chris Hadfield

Image Source: cupcakeaddictdm.com

Take Aways: Evaluate Yourself❏ How you establish your credibility (Attending Behaviors)

both online and in person

❏ Your effectiveness at observing and getting to understanding

❏ Methods (microskills, other tactics) you favor when trying to drive behavior change

❏ List one new tactic you haven’t tried before & plan how you will use it

Challenge: Pruning!

“It’s not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential.”

-- Bruce Lee

Image Source: www.the-silk-garden.com

Further Reading / ResourcesCarnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2009.

Cialdini, Robert B. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. New York: Harper Business, 2006.

Dean, Jeremy. "Are Fast Talkers More Persuasive?” PsyBlog. November 24, 2010. www.spring.org.uk/2010/11/are-fast-talkers-more-persuasive.php.

Dean, Jeremy. “Communicating Persuasively: Email or Face-toFace?” PsyBlog. March 24, 2007. www.spring.org.uk/2007/03/communicating-persuasively-email-or.php.

Evans, David R., Margaret T. Hearn, Max R. Uhlemann, and Allen E. Ivey. Essential Interviewing: A Programmed Approach to Effective Communication. 8th ed. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, 2011.

Fogg, B. J. Persuasive Technology: Using Computers to Change What We Think and Do (Interactive Technologies). San Francisco, CA: Morgan Kaufmann, 2002.

Geldard, David, and Kathryn Geldard. Basic Personal Counselling: A Training Manual for Counsellors. 6th ed. Frenchs Forest, NSW: Pearson Education Australia, 2009.

Ivey, Allen E., Mary Bradford Ivey, and Carlos P. Zalaquett. Intentional Interviewing and Counselling: Facilitating Client Development in a Multicultural Society. 8th ed. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, 2013.

Further Reading / ResourcesIvey, Allen E., Michael J. D'Andrea, and Mary Bradford Ivey. Theories of Counseling and Psychotherapy: A Multicultural Perspective. 7th ed. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 2012.

Navarro, Joe. What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People. New York: William Morrow, 2008.

Shah, Jason. “The Science of Persuasion: How to Get People to Agree With What You Say.” buffersocial. August 12, 2013. blog.bufferapp.com/the-science-of-persuasion.

Ohio State University. "When People Feel Powerful, They Ignore New Opinions, Study Finds." ScienceDaily. February 15, 2008. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080214093135.htm.

Yaruss, J. Scott. “Listening and Responding: Skills and a Framework for Helping People Change.” Presentation, available from Minnesota State University, Mankato, www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/teaching/counseling/presentations/yarussasha.pdf.

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