Copyright©2019byEvaSelhub,MD

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Contents

IntroductionWhyStressIsNormal

Chapter1UnderstandtheStressResponse&NegativeEmotions

Chapter2GetaHoldonNegativeEmotions

Chapter3ZapDistresswithLove

Chapter4RestructureYourInfrastructure

Chapter5MeltYourMoodwithMeditation

Chapter6MindfulnesstoCalmYourMadness

Chapter7RedirectStressforGood

Chapter8StandinYourPower

Chapter9LaughandLetGo

Chapter10GettoCompassionandForgiveness

EpilogueSeeYourLifeasaMiracle

ExtraCharts

AFinalNotefromtheAuthor

Acknowledgments

References

I

Introduction

WhyStressIsNormal

“Thetruthwillsetyoufree,butfirstitwillpissyouoff.”—GloriaSteinhem

n the early years of my spiritual studies, I truly believed that my job as aspiritual guide and rational physician was to stay clearheaded, loving, and

peaceful.Forme, showingangerwas simply ano-no.Theproblemwas that Ifailed quitemiserably and often, especiallywhile driving inmy hometown ofBoston.Ononesuchoccasion,whiledrivinghomefromwork,anotherdriverpulledin

aheadofmycarwithoutwarning,causingmetosteponmybreakssuddenly.I,ofcourse,honkedmyhornseveraltimesandinresponse,thedriverflippedmethe bird.Obscenities flew out ofmymouth.How dare he throw an offensivegestureatmewhenhewasinthewrong!Howdareheriskmylife!Ifumed.Within a few minutes of blowing up, I started to feel guilty. I thought to

myself,Howcouldyoudothat?Youareaspiritualpersonandameditatorandyoujustlostit.Goodpeopledon’tswearatotherpeople.TheDalaiLamaneverwould have behaved this way! It was the last line about the Dalai Lama thatstoppedme inmy ranting and raving tracks. I actually started laughing asmythoughtsswitchedto,Whoareyoucomparingyourselftoexactly?NotonlyareyounothisHoliness,but youhavenodesire tobehimeither. Inaddition, theDalaiLamadoesn’tdrive.Hehasdrivers.He, therefore,doesnothavetodealwith crazy drivers. Lightening up with laughter also allowed me to take amomentary step back frommy anger and observe the statementGood peopledon’tswearatotherpeople.Itmademequestionmyself:Whatdoesthatmean?IfIswearandacthuman,Iamnotgood?Isthateventrue?Myinnerdialoguehadgivenmepause.Itledmetorealizethatmyanger,the

emotionitself,wasactuallyappropriateforthecircumstance.Mylifehadbeenput indanger,andIwasmade tofeel insignificantanddisregarded.Whatmay

not have been so appropriate was the intensity and the way I expressed myanger,whichdidlittlegoodformeoranyoneelse.Itcertainlydidnothelpmefeelanybetter,althoughtemporarilythecursingdidenablemetoreleasesomeofmypent-upenergy.SoIaskedmyselfwhy.WhydidIreactthewayIdid,andwasitpossibleto

reactdifferently?Wasitpossibleformetomaintainasenseofpeaceandcalm,despitefeelingdisrespected?Anddidmyreactionhaveanythingtodowithmejudgingmyselfasnotbeing“good,”orsomehow“bad?”WhenIgothome,Isatquietly,meditated,andreflected.Ithoughtaboutbeing

cut off in traffic and connected with the feelings of being disrespected,insignificant, invisible, not good, and not enough. When I tapped into thesenegative feelings, I realized they were not new to me. I had felt this waycountless times before. Each of these negative experiences, in turn, gaveevidencetomynegativeself-image.Iunderstood then that the situation itselfdidn’tmakeme feel these feelings

butratherbroughtthemoutinme;thatmyhistoryofhavinghadsimilarhurtfulexperienceshadcausedme to feel invisibleorunworthy inone shapeor formand that these pre-existing hurts or wounds were causing me to react whenprovoked. Inotherwords, I realized thatmyangermayhavebeenappropriategiventhesituation,buttheemotionaloutburstwasaproductofmydeephurts—deephurtswithinmethatnotonlycausedmetooverreactwithanger,butalsoprovidedmewithongoingevidencethatIwasinsignificantornotgoodenough.IunderstoodthataslongasIlivedmylifelookingthroughalensthatledme

to see myself as not enough, there would be a higher chance of me gettingtriggeredandangeredby lifeevents. If Iwasattackingme, itwould takeverylittle to pushmeoverboard into believing that someone else or theworldwasattacking me. I also realized that there were many times that I did not lookthroughsuchanegativelens;thetimesIdidlookthroughthisnegativelenswerewhenIwasdepleted,tired,stressed,orunhappy.Putyourselfinthisscenario:Ifyouareinagoodmoodandreadingyourbook

and I tapyouon theshoulder togetyourattention, itmayannoyyouslightly.But if I tap you on the shoulder where you happen to have a gaping woundfestering,youwouldscreamhighholymurderandlikelyslapmyhand.Youarealready inpainandhavingahard timeconcentrating,andhere I come, totallyoblivioustoyourdiscomfort,andhurtyou.Youwouldbeoutragedandactout.YoumightalsothenfeelguiltyorashamedforhittingmeonceyourealizethatIwas just trying togetyourattentionandmeantnoharm. If thewounddidnotalready exist, would you not have simply been annoyed with my mindlessbehavior?Wouldyouhavegottensoangry?

Probablynot.

TheHurtCanHealMytake-homemessagewas that if Iwanted tobeable to stayblissfuldespitedistress, Iwasgoing tohave tobeable tohealmyoldhurts.As longas thesehurts were alive and present, situations could trigger a reaction that wouldalwaysbypassmylogicalbrainandultimatelygenerateastressreactioninfusedwithrageorfear.If I wanted to live my life happily, not only was I going to have to do

somethingaboutthesewounds,butIhadtoworkonfeelingmorevaluedwithinmyself,knowIwas inherently“good,”and takebettercareofmyself ineverypossible way—through nurturing my body and mind with healthy eating,sleeping, exercising, and thinking more loving thoughts toward myself. ThemorevaluedIfelt,thelessseriouslyIwouldneedtotakemyselfandmostthingsinlife,asIwouldn’tfeelthreatened.Thatday,Ibegancreatingtechniquesandhealingprocessesthatwouldsoothe

thehurt,createasenseofcalmandpeace,andignitethefeelingofbeingvaluedratherthanthefeelingofbeingdisrespectedorinvisible.IfoundthatthemoreIpracticedthesetechniques,thecalmerIbecameasaperson.Betteryet,IfoundthatifIwasupset,IcouldcalmmyselfenoughtousethetensionorstressthatIwasfeelingtomotivatepositiveratherthanhurtfulaction.IultimatelyrealizedthatIhadachoice:Icouldchoosetobeavictimofmy

past and my life and to continue living my life looking through a lens ofnegativity,feelstressedandmiserable,orchoosetobeavictorandlivemylifelookingthroughalensofjoy.

TheChoicetoKnowYourValueYouhaveachoiceofwhetherornotyoublowuporblissout,whetheryouletyourstresscontrolyouandweakenyouoruseittobecomemorepowerfulandhappy.Itisuptoyoutodecideifyouwanttoseekvalueoutsideofyourselfandcontinuouslyfeeldisappointedandlacking,orworktowardknowingyourownvaluefromwithin.Itisuptoyoutodecideifyouwanttobestuckwaitingforhappiness to come or choose to be happy because, ultimately, using stress toyouradvantage,youcanbe.Knowthatstressitselfisnaturalandnecessaryinthatitmotivatesyoutotake

actionwhensomesortofthreattoyourstateofbalanceispresent.Theproblemis that when stress triggers negative emotions, the negative emotions canoverwhelm you and short-circuit your brain and your higher intellectualreasoning,causingyoutofallintobehaviorsthatareoftenhurtfultoothersortoyourself. The deeper your hurts, the stronger your negative emotions, and thebiggerthenegativereactionwillbe.Tryingtostopthereactionisoftenclosetoimpossible,liketryingtostopashiverwhenitiscoldoutside.What if youwere to start lookingat stressdifferently?What if youwere to

realize that any time you are feeling stressed or distressed, which is stressassociatedwithanegativeemotion,youareactuallyreceivingawarningsignalthatyouarerunningonemptyandyouneedtorefuel?Ifyouweretostartapproachingdistressdifferently,byreactinglessstrongly

ornotatallforthatmatter,youwouldgiveyourselftheopportunitytohealanypartofyouthatfeelsbroken.Thelessbrokenyouthenfeel,themorewholeyoubecome.Themorewholeyouare,thelesstriggeredanddistressedyouwillbe.You have more balance within yourself and your life. You feel good, andinevitably, you are a lot happier. A happier and more whole you is a moresuccessfulyou.

InSearchofHappyThoughmost people claim theywant to be healthy, the truth is, everyone justwants to be happy. Everyone wants to feel good. The problem is that mostpeoplebelievethathappinesscomesfromoutsidefactors.Why does this happen? Because inherently, people do not possess a core

beliefthattheyareenoughandhavetheabilitytocreatehappywithorwithoutthethingstheyseek.Theyconstantlylookoutsideofthemselvesforhappiness—looking formorewealth, aperfect partner, a perfect family, and so forth—notrealizingthatnothingwilleverbeenoughandnooneandnothingcanbeexactlywhat they need them to be.The harder they seek, themore disappointed theybecome,andtheharderitseemstoachievehappiness.Thinkaboutyourown life.Perhapsyouaremarried andyouare constantly

angrywithyourspousefornotunderstandingyouorforsimplynot takingoutthetrash.Perhapsyouaresingleandyoubelievethatifonlyyouhadapartner,youwouldbehappy.Ormaybeyouthinkyouwillbehappierifyouhadmoremoney, a different president, a new boss, or a world where everyone waspleasantandcourteous.Whatever it isyouseek,youdon’thave itnow,whichmakesyoufeel lackingandwillexist forever feelingyouarenotenough.Fast

forwardtoeverydaylife,andsomeonecutsyouoffintraffic,isrudetoyouonthephone, is taking too long in thecheckout line,or just isn’t listening toyouwhenyouaretalking,or…boom!Youloseit.Surprised?Isitsurprisingthatyoublowupwhenlifethrowsyouacurveballwhenyou

arealreadyfeelingoutofbalanceandunhappy?

FreedomIsBlissThekey is tofindwhatyouareseekingwithinyourself, rather thanoutsideofyourself,andtofixthe“notenough”syndrome.Themorewholeandbalancedyouare, the less triggeredyouwillbe, and themore likelyyouwill findyourbliss.Doyourememberatimewhenyoufeltbliss?Allyouneedtodoisthinkback

to a timewhen you felt free, without worries, on top of theworld, happy, atpeace.Maybeyouwereonvacation.Ormaybeyouwerefiveyearsoldplayinginthemud.Orperhapsitwasthemomentyoufellinlove.Bliss.Youhavefeltitbefore.Youknowyouhave.And since youhave felt it before, it is definitelypossibletofeelitagain.Thepathtoattainingblissisfreedom.Iamnotreferringtothefreedomthat

comesintheformofnoresponsibilitytoothersortoyourself,butthefreedomthatcomesfromnotbeingattached—tothings,topeople,toyouremotions,ortoyoursuffering.Thiskindoffreedominvolveslettinggoofthethings,beliefs,orideasyouthinkdetermineyourvalueandyourhappiness.It’sthesortoffreedomyougetwhenyoufeelgoodbecauseyouchooseto,notbecauseyouarewaitingforsomethingorsomeoneelsetomakeitso.Whenyouarenotattachedtoyourexpectations,negative stories,orbeliefsabouthow life is supposed tobe,yougetfreedom.Withthisfreedom,yougethappiness.Happiness lies in your ability to focus on feeling good and feeling bliss in

waysthatyoucreateyourself.Thisisnottosaythattheaimisforyoutodenyorsquelch other feelings; rather, the goal is for you to learn to be unattached tonegative feelings and suffering, to be less controlled by them so that you canheal and feel free.When you feel free, negative people and situations simplydon’tbotheryouasmuch.Thisbookwill teachspecific tools tohelpyouhoneinonthecauseofyour

distress and to release it and to discover ways you can create your ownhappiness. You will be shown ways to nurture yourself, build your supportframework,andfeelstrongerandmorepowerful.Throughtheframeworkofthiseasyandpracticalguide to stressmanagement, youwill learn that even in the

midstofadarkabyss,youcanfindyourbliss.

A

Chapter1

UnderstandtheStressResponse&NegativeEmotions

“Lettinggogivesusfreedom,andfreedomistheonlyconditionforhappiness.If, inourheart,we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety,orpossessions—wecannotbefree.”

—ThichNhatHanh,TheHeartoftheBuddha’sTeaching:TransformingSufferingintoPeace,Joy,andLiberation

fterpracticingmedicineforovertwenty-fiveyears,Ihavecometobelievethatthemajorityofthepeopleonthisearthlivetheirlifeinfearofdying,

of not being important, or of not being truly loved, prohibiting their ability toliveafullandbeautifullife.Thereasonmostpeopleliveinfearofdeathisthattheydon’tknoworbelievetheyaretrulylovedorloveable,ortheydon’tknowtheir own value. When people feel truly loved, when they understand theirinherentvalue,worth,orimportance,theyarelikelytocareforthemselvesandtheir environment, experience fewerhealth problems, feel less psychologicallyandemotionallyupset,andultimately,havelessdistress,fear,orrage.Thinkaboutthis:Ifyoutrulylovedyourselfandknewyourworth,wouldyou

notdoeverythinginyourpowertonurtureyourbody,yourmind,yoursoul,andyour spirit? If you nurtured yourself so much that you felt valued andoverflowing with love, would you not be happy, and would you then be lesseasily insultedor evencare less if someoneelsepaidyounomindor insultedyou?Ofcourseyouwould!Youhavetheabilitytobetrulyhappy,andthatabilityliesinyourveryown

body.Youhaveamagnificentbodymadeoftrillionsofcells,someofthemstrong,

some of them weak. No matter their strength, these cells help one another,

protectingoneanotherfromharmandaligningtogethertogiveyouachancetohave a fabulous life on this earth.When these cells are not properly nurtured,takencareof,orsupported,theycannotthenfullysupportyoutoliveandshine,tobehappyandsuccessful.Thebeautyof your body is that it is always lettingyouknowwhen it is in

need,whenitdesireshelporchangefromyou.Thesignalscomeintheformofsensationslikehungerorfatigue,acough,asenseofdiscomfort,oranegativeemotionor thought.Thesesignals tellyouwhenyouareinstressorwhenyouaresafe,whenyouareoutofbalanceorinbalance,whenyouareinastateofunrestorastateofpeaceandlove.Thefoodyoueat,thepeopleyouspendtimewith,themovementsyoumake,thethoughtsyouupholdorthewordsyouspeak—allaffecteachoneofyourcellspositivelyornegatively.Inturn,thesecellsletyouknowifyouractionsarehelpingyouthriveordive.If you were to pay attention, love yourself, and truly want to be and stay

happy,youwouldheedyourbody’ssignalsandavoidbehaviorsandactionsthatcauseyoutodiveandupholdonlythosethathelpyouthrive.Youhaveachoice.Youhaveachoiceeverydayandeverymomentofyour

lifeofwhetherornotyouwanttonurtureyourbodyandyourSelforhurtit.Thelessyouhurtyourself,thelesstheworldcantrulyhurtyou.Youhave a choice of howyou are going to viewyour life—ingratitude of

havingexperiencesthathelpyoudiscoveryourtrueSelfsothatyoucanlivelifeinthefullbeautyofyourSelf,orinremorseofneverhavingorbeingenoughsothatyouliveyourlifefeelinglikeavictimofyourcircumstances.You have a choice to believe in the greatness of your Self that cannot be

deflatedbyanother, oryoucanbelieve thatyourSelf ishelpless and thatyouwillonlybegreatifyougetrecognizedorvaluedbyanother.Ifyourchoice ishappy,allyoureallyneed todo isstartpayingattention to

yourbody’ssignals.

UnderstandingStressYourbodytalkstoyouintheformofstress.Stress is thereasonweprocreate,innovate,runmarathons,andgetpromotions.Itishowwegetoutofbedinthemorningandwhywearemotivated toput foodon the table.Whensomethingwithinuswantschange,wearedriventomakeithappen.Thatwantforchangeismotivatedbystress.Feelingtired?Stress.Feelinghungry?Stress.Lowbloodpressure?Stressagain.Stressisnotnecessarilybad.Youneedittohelpyoulive,adapt,andsurvive.

Stressmotivatesustoclimbmountainsortoinnovateandfindnewwaystogetmorecomfortableortogetsomewherefaster.Whatisstressexactly?Stressisdefinedasanychallengetothebalance(alsoknownashomeostasis)

of the body. Challenges can range from simple changes in the weather totraumatizingworld news, looming deadlines, pollution, a cold, blood pressurechanges, hunger, feelings of fatigue, inflammation, sleep deprivation, eatingprocessedfoods,oremotionalstress.Stresscanmanifestasreal,life-threateningchallenges or hidden stressors like the act of worrying, feelings of low self-worth,orafaultyimmunesystemthatcan’tmountastrongantibodyresponse.To the brain, anything that challenges the body’s homeostasis qualifies as

stress, and it doesn’t matter whether it is physical, psychological, emotional,real, or imagined.As long as the brain perceives that your state of balance isbeing challenged, it counts as stress, and with that, a physiological stressresponseisalwaysmountedsothattheproblemcanbesolvedandyoucanadaptandultimatelysurvive.

TheStressResponseThe stress response, or the physiological response to stress, exists for goodreason.Itgetsyououtofbedinthemorning,getsyourimmunesystemtofightinfections, your blood vessels to maintain your blood pressure, your body tomovewhenyouareuncomfortable, andyour sensory system to tell youwhenyouarehungry,cold,ortired.Withoutthestressresponse,youessentiallywouldbe dead because it enables wounds to be healed, traumas to be survived,nutritionalneedstobemet,andescapetotakeplacewhenyouarebeingchasedbyalion.WalterCannon,aHarvardphysiologist,coinedtheterm“fightorflight”inthe

1930s todescribeour inborndefenseresponse to threatordanger.Hebelievedthisdefense ismeant toultimately ensure survival.1Whenwe facea threatordanger,wearecatapultedtomovebecauseofthereleaseofstresshormoneslikeadrenalinandcortisolintothebloodstream,whichcausesoursensestobecomehyperalert and aroused, our pupils to dilate, and our muscles to tense up inpreparation for battle or flight. The liver releases stored sugar into thebloodstream to provide your body with energy, while the lungs work faster,increasing your breathing rate and causing the breath to be more shallow toeconomize on oxygen consumption.The heart pumps harder and faster, bloodpressure rises, and the immune system is provoked tomount an inflammatory

response to protect you from being slowed down by a possible wound orinfection.Thisphysiological response is greatwhenyouarebeing chasedby a saber-

toothtigeroramugger,andintheshortterminmostcases,itcreatesphysical,emotional, or psychological discomfort of one kind or another that serve tomotivate you into action. For instance, if your blood sugar drops, the stressresponsewillbe triggeredto initiateaseriesofphysiologicalchangesthatwillcauseyoutofeelhungry, irritable,ortired.Thisdiscomfortornegativefeelingthenmotivatesyoutoeatsomethingtomakethehungerorbadfeelinggoawaysothatyoucangetbackintobalanceorcomfortagain.Eatingthenresultsinthestress being extinguished so that the stress response is no longer needed. Thestress responsewill shut itselfoff, allowingyour system to resume its stateofbalance.Thisisthegoodnewswhenitcomestostressandthestressresponse.Thebadnews is that yourbrain can’t tell thedifferencebetweenone stress

andanother.Itcan’tdistinguishbetweenrunningforyourlifeandrunninglatetowork because both are deemed threats to your livelihood somewhere in therecessesofyourbrain.For this reason, the stress response is setoff toooften,andmuchofthetime,itdoesn’tgetshutoffbecausethestressnevergetstakencareof,likeapersistentworry.Inthe1950s,HansSelyeexpandedonCannon’sworkandexplainedthatyou

donothavetobechasedbyaraginganimalforthefightorflightresponsetobemounted;thisheightenedreactionoccursregardlessofwhetherthechallengeathand is life-threateningor not.2You could be late forwork, beworried aboutpayingyourbills, thinkyouaregoingtogetfired,or thinkthatyourspouseisgoingtoleaveyou.Thephysiologicalresponseisthesame:

•Pupilsdilate•Bloodvesselsconstrictinhandsandfeetandgut•Gastrointestinaltractshutsdown;slowermovementofthecolon,etc.•Reproductivesystemshutsdown•Musclesbecometense,especiallyback,neck,jaw,shoulders,etc.•Immunesystemcausesmoreinflammation,clotting,andallergicreactions(overtime,poorimmunityagainstinfectionsorcancers)

•Cardiovascularsystemincreasesinheartrateandbloodpressure•Respiratorysystemincreasesinbreathingrateandinflammation•Brainengagesinlesscomplexthinking,hyperalertness,andarousal;morefear-relatedbehaviorsinitiated

• Moodtakesadiveas lossofserotoninandotherneurotransmitterscause

depression,anxiety,fear,anger,andothernegativeemotions

Normally,thebodyhasabuilt-inmechanismtoturnthestressresponseoffonceastressorchallengehasbeentakencareof,sothataslongasthestressresponseisshort-lived,thephysiologicalchangesarebeneficialtothebody.Butwhenthethreat isongoing—likeaconstantworry,adeep feelingofbeingunworthy,anabusivefamilymember,orchronicpollutionexposure—thestressresponsedoesnotshutdown.Notonlydoesanover-activestressresponsethenleadtoahostof physical problems, but it also leads to a constant negative state of mind,perception,belief,andmood.Stress,ortheperceptionofstress,haseverythingtodowithyourbadmood,

negativeemotions,orinabilitytocontrolyouranger.

PerceptionIsKeyYoumightbe thinking toyourself rightnowthatyouaredoomedbecauseyouarealwaysstressed,meaningyourstressresponseisalwaysactive,whichisalsowhyyouarealwaysangryorsick.Don’tdespair.Youhavetheabilitytofixtheproblembylearninghowtochangeyourperceptionofyourselfandyourlife.The key to keeping the stress response under control is perception. If your

brainperceivedaparticularsituation tobemanageable, itwouldfire thestressresponseonlylongenoughtomotivatethenecessaryaction,likeanathletewhois motivated to compete and win a race. It’s basically what you would callhaving a positive outlook. Positive perception is directly correlated to innersuretyortrustinsuccessormanageabilityofaparticularendeavororchallenge.Negative perception, in contrast, is associated with lower self-appraisal andbeliefinthepossibilityofapositiveoutcomeoccurring.For example, youmay agonize over a choice of school for your child.You

agonizenightanddayoverthisissueuntilitfeelslikeyourlifeisspinningoutofcontrol.Youranxiety triggers thestress response,whichcausesyourheart rateand blood pressure to rise, inflammation to course through your body, yourmemorytofeelhazy,andyourcravingsforcomfortfoodoralcoholtoskyrocket.You feel tired and achy and overwhelmed by the demands of your life. Yousimplydon’tthinkyoucanhandlemuchmore.Thenyourchild,spouse,boss,orfill-in-the-blankpersonactsrudelyoroutoforderandyourtemperthengetsthebestofyouandeveryoneelse.The shameyouexperience fromyourbehaviormakes you feel even worse, exacerbating the stress response further, and thecyclerageson.

Nowifyouwereabletochangeyourmindsettobelievethatwhateverchoiceyoumadewouldbeokay,thescenariowouldplayoutverydifferently.Forinstance,youfeelveryconfidentaboutyourabilitytomakechoicesand

arealsoconfidentthereisnosuchthingasawrongchoicebecauseeverychoicebrings opportunity for growth and learning. You know that no matter whatschoolyousendyourchildto,theschoolwillbeperfect,oryouwillfindwaystomakeitwork.Youhaveasimilarattitude tomostof thedemands inyour life,knowinghowtodelegateandfindhelpwhenyouneedto.Inthiscase,doyouthink you would blow up when said child, spouse, boss, or fill-in-the-blankpersonactsrudely?Probablynot.Why?Perception.Whenyouperceivestresstobemanageable,yougaincontroloverthestress

response and over your reactions. Perception is actually the key to beingresilient. The more you believe in your own ability and resources to handleadversity, themore likelyyouare toperceive stress asmanageable, leading tolessworry,moreconfidence,astrongersenseofself-value,positiveexpectation,acontrolledstressresponse,andastrongeryou.If you were to operate from a positive perception that resources will be

available to handle any uncertainty, youwould step forward in lifewithmoresurety, knowing you could dealwithwhatever came yourway.Youwould beable to maintain a sense of calm, even when someone is acting rudely ordisrespectfully. Your stress levels would remain controlled; physical health,stable;andmentalandemotionalclarity,intact.

AwarenessLeadstoBetterPerceptionIf itwere easy tomaintain a positive perception and keep the stress responseundercontrol, Iwouldn’tbewriting thisbookforyou—orhavea job, for thatmatter.Thecatchisthatyouneedtobeawareyouarestressedandtakecareofitbeforeitgetscontrolofyou.Youmaynotbeaware,forinstance,thatthesleepdeprivationyouareexperiencingasaresultofyourpushingyourselftosucceedatwork is inducing inflammation in your body and creatingmore stress.Youmayalsonotbeawarethatyouareholdingontomemoriesthatnolongerserveyou. These memories still define you and your perception and drive you tosucceed at your body’s expense. You may not realize that at your core youbelieve you are not good enough and you have been living in constant stressyourwholelife.

AwarenessofEmotionsandMemoriesEmotions and emotional memory are directly connected to physiologicalresponses, both positive and negative. Any time you experience a particularemotion, your brain will search its emotional memory bank to bring forwardassumptions, beliefs, behaviors, and physiological and physical reactions thathelpedyoucopeinthepast.Whenfacedwithchallengesthatelicitanemotioninyou,thebrainsearchesitsmemorybankfordetailstoseehowsuchchallengeshavebeenhandledpreviously,whatresourceswereused,andwhattheoutcomemayhavebeenandmatch the informationwithyouremotionalmemorybank.Theoutcomeisareactionandbehaviortosaidchallengethatismotivatedbyanowunconsciousbeliefandassumption.Overthecourseofyourlifetime,asonememorybuildsupupontheother,a

belief system forms regarding how you see yourself, others, and the worldaroundyou,eitherpositive—thatyouareenoughandhaveenough—ornegative—that you are not enough or don’t have enough.Most people hold differentbeliefsdependingonthesituation.Forinstance,thesamepersoncanbelievethattherewillalwaysbeenoughmoneybecauseheorshegrewupwealthy,butthereisneverenoughlove,astherewasnoloveaffordedinthehome.Someofyourbeliefs, therefore, uphold positive expectations that your future needs will bemet. Other beliefs, based onmore hurtful experiences, have taken on amorenegativestance,upholdingnegativeexpectationsthatyoumayneverbeorhaveenough,andthattheworldorpeoplecan’tbetrustedtohelpyou.Theresultisthat situations arising today can trigger a positive or negative physiologicalresponseandsubsequentbeliefandbehavior,basedonthememory.For example, if in yourpast your family alwayshad enoughmoney and all

yourneedswerealwaysmet,youwilllikelybelievetodaythatyouwillalwayshaveenoughofwhateveryouneed.Incontrast,ifyougrewuphavingfoodonthe table and clothes on your body but your parents constantlyworried aboutmoney, you will likely share some of this worry too. As an adult now, eventhoughyouhave a stable income,you stillmayquestion, “What if Iwon’t beprovidedfor?WhatifIdon’thaveenoughmoney?”Youworrydailyandstayata jobyoudon’t likeeven thoughyoudreamofdoingsomethingelse,andyouessentially feel trapped. (Canyouseehowthismaybeasetup for resentment,frustration,andeasilyblowingup?)Anotherexamplemightbethatyourboss,colleague,orfriendisdisrespecting

youornottakingyouradvice.Ifinyourpastyouwereoftencriticizedandputdown, this typeof situationmay triggeryou togetextremelyupsetandangry,moresothansomeoneelsemightwhowasrarelycriticized.Everytimeyouare

criticized,thismemorygetstriggered.Whenyouaretriggered,youdowhatyouhavealwaysdonetocope—youscream,eat,withdraw,andsoforth.Thoughthebehavior helps you cope short term, it solves nothing and in the end usuallymakesyoufeelworse.The following self-awareness exercisewill help you see how emotions can

leadtoadifferentmindsetandhowmemoriescanplayaroleinhowyourmindandbodyreact.

Exercise1.1:Self-Awareness1.Thinkaboutasituationthatmadeyouangry,resentful,orfrustrated.2. Now pay attention to how it makes you feel. Become aware of the

sensationsyouareexperiencinginyourbody,particularlyyourchest,jaw,and stomach, as well as the movement of your breath. Where is theemotionlodginginyourbody?Whatdoesitfeellike?Doesthebodyfeeltense,constricted,restricted?

3. Noticehowstrong theemotion isand if itescalates themoreyou thinkaboutthesituation.Noticethethoughtsthemselvesandwritethemdownifyoulike.Whatareyoureallyangryabout?

4. Contemplate if these thoughts and feelings alignwith feelings of beingenoughornotenoughandwhy.

Ifalargepartofyourbeliefsystemisafearthatyouwillneverormayneverbeenoughorhaveenough,thestressresponsewillbeactiveconstantly.Youwillbeeasilytriggeredtofeelangry,fearful,orupset,especiallywhenfacingchallengesthatremindyouofahurtfulmemory.When triggers, negative emotions, and underlying negative beliefs are

addressed,youhaveabetterchanceofregulatingthestressresponse,controllinganger and other negative emotions, and being able to maintain an enhancedpeaceofmindandahealthierbody.

AwarenessofBeliefsAlways remember that you are not yourmemories andwhatever happened toyou in the past does not determine your value.Theproblem is thatwhenyouwereachild,youdidnotpossessmuchofabrainyet.Inotherwords,whenbadthings happened to you, your brain interpreted the situation based on limited

knowledge and skills. A belief created from that vantage point was oftendistortedanduntrue.It is this illogicalanduntruebelief thatdrivesyourstressresponseandnegativebehaviors.Ifyouwere toconsciouslyfocusonchanging thebeliefso thateventuallya

newonetookaformthatismorepositive,logical,andtrue,youwouldhaveamuch better handle on your reactions and stress. There are many techniquesavailable in thepsychologicalandspiritualhealingworlds, includingcognitiverestructuringstrategiesandavarietyofmeditationpractices, thatIwilldiscussinthisbook.Thepointisthatyouhavetheabilitytoinfluenceanychangeinapositiveoranegativedirectionbythechoicesyoumakethatarebasedonbeliefsthatyouhold.It is possible to disassociate negative emotions and beliefs from unhappy

memories and reprogram thebrainwithpositive emotions and expectationsoftrust.Youcan learn toperceive situationsdifferently so that theyappearmoremanageabletoyou.Moreimportantly,youcanlearntoseeyourselfdifferently,knowingthatyouaretrulyvaluable,loved,andsupported.Whenyoudoso,verylittlecanshakeyou.In the following self-awareness exercise, you can observe the difference an

emotioncanmakeonyourpeception.

Exercise1.2:Self-Awareness1.Thinkaboutasituationthatmadeyouangry,resentful,orfrustrated.2. Now pay attention to how it makes you feel. Become aware of the

sensationsyouareexperiencinginyourbody,particularlyyourchest,jaw,and stomach, as well as the movement of your breath. Where is theemotionlodginginyourbody?Whatdoesitfeellike?Doesthebodyfeeltense,constricted,restricted?

3. Noticehowstrong theemotion isand if itescalates themoreyou thinkaboutthesituation.Noticethethoughtsthemselvesandwritethemdownifyoulike.Whatareyoureallyangryabout?

4. Contemplate if these thoughts and feelings alignwith feelings of beingenoughornotenoughandwhy.

5. Now redirect your focus and think about a situation of awe, love, orlaughter.For instance, rememberhowit felt tobe lookedatbysomeonewho absolutely adores you,watching your childwalk for the first time,gazingatanincrediblesunset,orlaughingsohardyoucouldn’tbreathe.

6.Continuetofocusonthismemoryandfeeling,andnoticehowyourbodyfeels.

7.Nowgobacktothinkingaboutthesituationofangerandnoticeifyoufeelorthinkdifferently.

Youmighthaveobserved in thisexercise thedifference inhowyoufeelwhenangry versus happy or disrespected versus loved. Hopefully, after connectingwith a happier memory, you felt less charged when you thought about thestressful situation again. By changing your emotion and the associatedphysiological state from negative to positive, you changed the vantage pointfromwhichyouwereviewingthesituation,invariablychangingyourperceptiontooneofmorepositiveexpectation.

GettinginControlIhavefoundthatwhenmypatientschoosetoseethemselvesashavingenoughandbeingenough,theybecomehealthier,moreresilient,andcalmerinthefaceofadversity. Incontrast, thepatientswhoconsider themselvesvictimsof life’scircumstancesarelesslikelytohandlechallengeseffectivelyandaremorelikelytosuccumbtonegativeemotional,psychological,andphysicalcomplaints.Alwaysrememberthatyouhavetheabilitytoinfluenceyourlifeinapositive

or a negative direction by the choices youmake and the perception you hold,especiallywithregardtothestressinyourlifeandhowyouseeyourselfwithinthe largerworld.Whenyouupholdapositivemindsetorperception,youkeepthestressresponseincheckandyoufunctionfromaplaceoffeelingwholeandcontentversusemptyandpissedoff.Youfeelincontrol.Yourability tomaintainapositivemindset andperceptiondependson three

factors:

1. Your past experiences,memories, and beliefs, especiallywith regard tohowtheymadeyoufeelaboutyourselfandyourresources.AsIexplainedinbriefpreviously, thesewill influenceyourperception,especiallywhenyouareinanegativemoodorstateofmind.

2. Your mood, whether positive or negative. You hopefully noticed thedifferenceyourmoodandemotionalstatehadontheoutcomeoftheself-awarenessexercise.

3. Your supportive infrastructure, which allows you to maintain an openmindandresilientbodyandgettothebeliefthatyouhavewhatittakesto

findandbeinyourbliss.Thisinfrastructureincludeshowmuchsleepyouget, howwell you take care of yourself (exercise, nutrition,meditation,etc.), how strongyour social support system is, howoftenyouplay andlaugh,howconnectedyouare tospiritualpracticesandbeliefs,andhowoftenyouspendtimeinnature.

Overthecourseof thisbook,Iwillgiveyouthetoolsandtechniquesthatwillhelp youheal your beliefs, keep a positivemood andmindset, andbuild yourinfrastructure. You will learn to quiet yourmind and calm your body to turndown the stress response,while also learning to have compassion for and notjudgewhatever you feel in recognition that you are being triggered.Youwilllearn to be mindful of your emotions, thoughts, and body’s physiologicalreactions,beguidedbythemrather thanreactbecauseof them,andeventuallydetachfromyouranger.Ultimately,youwilllearnhowtoaccessfeelingsofjoy,love,andcompassion;tofindyourpower;andtonotgiveadamnbecauseyouhavefoundyourbliss.

N

Chapter2

GetaHoldonNegativeEmotions

“Ifyoutrytogetridoffearandangerwithoutknowingtheirmeaning,theywillgrowstrongerandreturn.”

—DeepakChopra,TheThirdJesus:TheChristWeCannotIgnore

egativeemotionsaremeanttoalertyouthatsomethingisamiss,driveyoutogetawayfromdanger,standupforyourselfandfor thoseyoulove,or

take the time to grieve so that you can heal and move forward. Negativeemotionspushyoutotakeactionandforcechangewhenchangeisduethroughthestimulationofthestressresponse.Outofallthenegativeemotionsorstates—fear,anger,grief,anxiety,anddepression—angeristheoneemotionthatmostpeoplerepressorexpresswhenunderstress—whetherasaresultoffrustration,indignation, stagnation,or feelingoverwhelmed—and then feelbadabout itorthemselves, which creates more stress and distress. Out of all the negativeemotions,angerisalsothemostpowerful.Itcancausemassivedestructionwhenuncontrolledorincrediblechangeforthegoodwhenusedcorrectly.In theFiveElementSystemof traditionalChinesemedicine, everynegative

emotionisassociatedwithdifferentinternalorgans,seasons,energies,andevenfoodsorcravings.Theenergyofangerisseentobeexplosive,sopowerfulthatit can move mountains and mold landscapes like a strong wind.3 When theenergy of anger is transformed for good, it canmotivate positive change andcorrection of injustice. When the energy is left to do its bidding, like anexplosionorahurricane,itcanrageoutofcontrol,leavingchaosanddestructioninitswake.Thekeyistobeabletotransmutethispowerfulenergyforcesothatyouuseit

to become more empowered, to benefit yourself and others, rather than todemolishanddestroy.Thefirststepinthisprocessinvolvesacknowledgingandallowingyourselftofeel.

ValidatingandUnderstandingtheSelfDoyouallowyourselftofeel,andespeciallytobeangry?Manyofushavebeentaughttobelievethatstressisbadandthattobeangry

isevenworse.Weeithersquashourfeelingsorfeelguiltyifweyelloractrudelyor negatively. The problem is that when you repress your feelings, the stresssimply implodes internally. Like a soda can that is shaken when closed, youeventually combust. Ignoring your feelings or putting them down only causeswoundstodeepen,notheal.

Exercise2.1:AttuningtoFeelingsA. Fill in the blank of the following statement using asmanywords as seemapplicable. Do not think about each word. Only spend enough time tocontemplate being angry or stressed and then choose the words that come tomind.

“WhenIactoutinanger,Ifeel___________________.”

Wordchoices:

B.Nowseparatethewordsintotwocolumns,positiveandnegative,andnoticehowmanywordslandineachcolumn.

Manyofyouwillfindthatyouassociatedgettingstressedorangrywithalotofnegativity.Youmightalsofindthatyouwrotedownsomepositivefeelingsaswell, like feeling powerful, satisfied, or liberated. Indeed, expressing anger orpent-up feelings from stress can be a powerful experience of release, like apressurecookerfinallylettingoutallofitssteam,andyoumayhavenotedthatinyourchoiceofwords.Haveyoueverdugdeepenoughtounderstandwhereyourangerorstress is

comingfrom?Iamnotjustreferringtoyourstressthatisaresultofahorriblebossoraspousewhodoesn’tlistentoyou.Iamreferringtothenegativefeelingsthatcomewithfeelingmistreatedorneglected, likehumiliatedordisrespected.Haveyouever really lookedat the true sourceofyour feelings that is leadingyoutoreactorbetriggeredinthefirstplace,badsituationornot?Thetruesourcereflectshowyouperceiveyourselfwithinyourworld—victim

or victor. Noting down the different words that describe how you might feelpinpointthisperception.Ifyoufeeldisrespected,forinstance,youmaywanttoask yourself if feeling disrespected is a pattern for you. Or if you feelempoweredwhen you express anger, youmaywant to delve deeper intowhyyouneedapowerfulyetdestructiveemotiontoenableyoutofeelempowered.Thepointof thisexercise is foryou tobecomeawareofyourownattitudes

andfeelingsrelated tobeingstressedandangry,bothpositiveandnegative,sothatyoucandigdeeperintoyourownbeliefsandperceptions.Forinstance,youfindyourselfupsetwithyourspousebecauseheorshedid

notsupportyourauthoritywhenitcametopunishingyourkids.Ifyouweretolabel the underlying feeling, you may note you are feeling infuriated,disrespected,orvictimized.Youthenmightdelvedeeperbyaskingyourselfwhyyouarefeelinginfuriated,disrespected,orvictimized,andyoudiscoverthatthesituationiscausingyoutofeelunsupportedandalone.Whenyouthinkfurtheraboutthisstateofbeing,yourealizethatfeelingunsupportedandalonehasbeena common theme for you for a long time, perhaps your whole life. You alsorealizethatwhenyoufeelunsupportedandalone,youtendtoreactinasimilarfashioneachtime.Inotherwords,younoticeapattern.Creating such categories as “feeling unsupported” invariably will help you

validateandlabelyourfeelings,helpyouunderstandyourselfbetter,andallowyoutoobjectifyanysituationandyouremotionsmoreeasilyinthefuture,whichgivesyoutheopportunitytoapplyantidotesorremediesthathelpyougetmorebalanced.Creatingyourcategoriesinvolvesafour-stepprocess:

1. Validateandnotedownyour feelings, acknowledging toyourself that a

validreasonexiststhatiscausingyourdistress.2. Witnessyourphysiologyby takingnoteofyourphysicalandemotional

reactions—what you feel in your body,where you feel the tension, andwhatemotionsarerisingupforyou.

3. Observe the reason foryourdistress, uncoveringwhyyou feel thewayyoudo.

4.Noticehowyouexpressorreact.

Thisfour-stepprocessallowsyoutomakeaconnectionbetweenthereasonsyouget distressed, how your body reacts, what your underlying beliefs andperceptions are, and how you ultimately react or express yourself whendistressed—whichmaybeparticulartoyou.The following exercise will guide you on how to create a category by

observing your feelings, emotions, physical sensations, and reactions and thewayyouexpressyourselforbehavegivenastressfulsituation.

Exercise2.2:CreatingaCategoryYouarerushingtogettoameetingoranappointmentandhavejustenoughtimetostopforacoffeeatanearbycafé.Youopenthedoortothecafé,onlytobeshovedoutofthewaybyamanwhogetsinlineaheadofyouandordersfivecomplicatedlattes.

A.Writedownhowyoufeel,usingthewordsfromthechart.

B. Take a moment to observe the physical reaction that occurs in your bodywhenyouimaginethisscenariohappeningtoyou,alongwiththeemotionsthatriseup.Doesyourchesttighten?Doesyourstomachcontract?Doyouholdyourbreathorstartbreathingmoreshallowly?Writedownthephysicalreactionthatyouexperience.

C.Howdoyou react?Wouldyouspeakupandsaysomething to thisperson?Wouldyouclamupandclenchyourteeth,keepingitallin?Wouldyoustormoffwithoutyourcoffeeandslamthedoor?Wouldyoukeepquietbutsnapatyourdaughter when she calls you on the phone at the office? Would you sootheyourself by ordering two donuts because you deserve it forwhat you’ve beenthrough?Writedownhowyoumightnormallybehave.

CausesforDistressAt itsbasic level, stressordistressusuallyarisesbecauseyouperceiveyouorthoseyoulovearebeingthreatened.

Nowrememberthatyourbraindoesn’tdistinguishbetweenrealor imaginedthreats, big or small. That threat, in other words, could come in the form ofdisrespect, humiliation, fear of criticism, or loss. Whatever the threat, it willelicitthestressresponseandanautomatedreactionandbehavior,meaningthatitwillleadtoaphysicalreactionandabehaviororactiontofollow.Therearemanysituations, therefore, thatwillgive rise todistress, from the

mundane to the serious. In the followingexercise, I list someof thecausesorsituations that lead to distress. Take note of your own reactions, patterns, andbehaviors.Answerthequestionsandthenfillintheblanks.

Exercise2.3:ExaminingCategories

A.FeelingunsupportedMany situations can lead you to feeling unsupported, including a spousewhodoesn’t back you up when you try to discipline your children, a friend whodoesn’t support yourpointofview, colleagueswhoundermineyou in frontofyoursuperiors,a job thatdoesn’tpayyouenough,ora lackofmoney inyourbank account. Feeling unsupported usually leads to feeling overburdened,resentful, fatigued, overwhelmed, and unhappy as you work harder to bevalidated,payyourbills,orkeepyourfamilytogetherwithoutmuchhelp.

•DoIoftengetupsetbecauseIfeelunsupported?Y/N•AmIalwaystheonehelpingothersanddoingallthegivingandnotbeinghelped?Y/N

•AmItheonelisteningandunderstandingothersbutnotbeingunderstoodmyself?Y/N

•DoIoftenfeeloverwhelmed?Y/N•DoIfeelthatmyneedsarebeingmet?Y/N•WhenIfeelunsupported,I_____________________.

B.BeingignoredandinvisibleI don’t know anyone who likes being ignored, and at a core level, feelinginvisibleisakintofeelingthatone’sexistenceisnotvaluableorvalued.Perhapsyouseemtoalwaysbepassedoverforapromotion,oryouoftenfindyourselftalkingtoyourspouseorfriendandrealizethatheorsheisnotlistening.Maybeyoufindthatwhenyouarewithagroupofpeople,youareignoredandnoonepaysattentiontoyourcontributions.Youfeelasifyoudon’texist.Howdoyou

reactwhenyouareignored?

•DoIoftenfeelinvisible?Y/N•Domychildren,spouse,partner,friendsoftenignoreme?Y/N•HaveIgotpassedoverforpromotions,leads,orjobsinfavorofsomeoneelsewhoismorevisible?Y/N

•AmIoftenmadetofeellikeIdon’texist?Y/N•WhenIfeelignored,I_____________________.

C.RejectionBeingignoredmayalsofeellikerejection.Rejectioninvolvesfeelingshunnedorpushedawaybyanotherpersonorentity.Whensomeoneyouholddearorwithhighregardrejectsyou,thepaincanoftenbeoverwhelming,ashappenswhenarelationshipends,yougetfired,oryoudon’tgetajobyouappliedfor.Feelingrejected can bring up deeper feelings of not being worthy, loved, valued, orwanted. Some people are more rejection sensitive than others, which is verymuch influenced by early life experiences involving love and acceptance byone’s family, peers, or teachers. Themore you experience rejection, themorelikelyyouarealsotorejectyourself.Youmayalsointerpretthedownsthatcomealongwiththeupsoflifeasrejection.

•AmImorepronetogettingangryordepressedwhenrejected?Y/N• Do I tend to shut down and stop interacting or paying attention to thepeopleIamwithwhenrejected?Y/N

•Whenlifeisn’tgoingwell,doItendtofeellikeIambeingpunished?Y/N•DoItendtoavoidsituationslikedatingortryinganewjobforfearImayberejected?Y/N

•WhenIfeelrejected,I_____________________.

D.HumiliationWhenhumiliated,youperceivethatyoursocialstatushasbeendiminishedandyourprideordignitylost.Youmayfeellikedirt,foolish,ashamed,powerless,orhelpless.Humiliatingexperiencescanbeextremelytraumaticandmaycutdeepinto your psyche and sense of Self, especiallywhen they occur earlier in lifewhenyourbrainisformingandyouarefiguringoutwhoyouare.

•DoIgetupsetorargumentativewhentoldIamwrong?Y/N• If someonewere to pullme aside to correctmy behavior, would I feel

insultedorembarrassed?Y/N• If someone were to put me down, would I feel like I needed to getretaliationorrevenge?Y/N

• DoIhaveatendencytoassumeothersarelookingdownonmesothatIbecomeeasilyslighted?Y/N

•DoIoftenfeelunappreciated?Y/N•WhenIfeelhumiliated,I_____________________.

E.InjusticeAt some point, everyone faces situations that are unfair. But does an unfairsituation always warrant anxiety or rage? The extent to which you react tofeelingsofinjusticeorunfairnessisultimatelybasedonhowpersonallyyoutakethe situation. Injustice can come in the form of having a thief violate yourproperty,beingwronglyaccused,beingdiscriminatedagainst,orthefeelingthatthe universe is throwing you hard luck and no one else, or that a lover hasbetrayedyou.

•DoIoftenfeelthatsituationsareunfair?Y/N•DoIhaveatendencytofeeltheneedtofightforjusticepoliticallybutalsofindthistranslatestofightingwithothersinmylife?Y/N

•WhenIthinkaboutsomeonewhohasbetrayedme,isthefirstthingIwanttodoisgetrevenge?Y/N

•CouldIeasilymakealistoftheunfairthingsinmylife?Y/N•WhenIfeelaninjusticehasbeendonetome,I_____________________.

F.LetdownordisappointmentLet’ssayyouhaveafriendthatmoreoftenthannotcancelsatthelastminute.Ifthisweretohappenonce,youmightfeeldisappointed.Butifthisweretobearegularoccurrence,yourdisappointmentmight turn intoangerand resentment,or even depression. The extent to which you get angry is dependent on yourexpectations. If you expected your friend to cancel and had made alternativeplans just in case, would you be as angry? If a waiter ignores you, a doctormakesyouwaitanhour,orafriendmakesotherplanswithoutyou,doyoushrugitoff,ordoyougetupset?Lookcloselyatyourownexpectationsofyourselfandothers.

• If Iwere to think about the last time or the last person that causedmedisappointment, would I still feel emotionally charged about it or upset?

Y/N•DoIoftengetupsetwithothersfornotmeetingmyexpectations?Y/N•DoIgetupsetwithmyselffornotmeetingmyownexpectations?Y/N•DoIrecallbeingfrequentlydisappointedinmychildhood?Y/N•WhenIfeeldisappointed,I_____________________.

G.GrieforlossLosing someone or something you love can leave you feeling broken andincomplete and full of regret, guilt, or remorse. Sadness, anger, denial, anddepressionoftenaccompanytheexperienceofloss.Losscanresultinfeelingsofhelplessness tochangeanunjust situation, abandonmentby someoneyouholddear, regret or guilt because you could have done something differently, orshamingorblamingyourselfforsomeone’sabsence.

•AmIstillgrievingthelossofsomeoneIhelddear?Y/N• Do Iblamemyself forwhathappenedorbelieve that I couldhavedonesomethingdifferentlyorbetterthatIdidn’tdo?Y/N

•AmIangrywiththispersonforleavingme?Y/N• AmIangrywithanestablishmentorotherperson fornotdoingmore tosavethisperson?Y/N

•WhenIfeelgrief,I_____________________.

H.IllnessorphysicalcomplaintsWhenyouarenotfeelingwell,aren’tyoumoreeasilyirritated?Physicalissuesnormally heighten the stress response, giving you less wiggle room when itcomes to maintaining your emotional and mental balance. Even simple sleepdeprivation can lead to the smallest situation setting off a heightened stressresponse.Inadditiontobeingmoreonedge—ifyouarelikesomeofmypatients—youmaybeangrywithyourbodyforbetrayingyou,angrythatyouaresickinthefirstplace,aggrievedthatyoucan’tdothethingsyouusedtodo,enragedattheunfairnessofbeingdealtsuchabaddeckofcards,oryoumayholdakeenersenseofrejectionthatyouarenotlikenormalpeopleandthereforefeelyouareundesirable.Whenonesuffersfromanillness,anyorallofthereasonsorcausesfordistresscanapply.

• DoIfeel“lessthan”becauseIhavephysicalorpsychologicalproblems?Y/N

•AmIangrywithmybodyfornotdoingwhatIwantittodo?Y/N

•AmIeasilyoverwhelmedbecauseIgetsotired?Y/N•IfIamhungryorsleepdeprived,amImoreirritable?Y/N•WhenIfeelsick,I_____________________.

Did any of these examples hit a nerve for you?Most of us have one or twobuttons, that, when pressed, catapult us into a heightened stress reaction. Fornow,takenoteofwhichofthescenariosmostappliedtoyouorelicitedthemoreprominentorchargedresponse.

HowWeExpressDistressEssentially, there are three major ways distress is expressed: externally,internally, or peacefully. You either 1) scream and blow up, 2) swallow yourfeelingsandinternallycombust,or3)usereason,breath,love,orhumortoworkthroughthehurt,findreasonandcompassion,andeventuallymanageasituationpeacefully.Thegoal,ofcourse, is foryou todo the latterasoftenaspossible,because both externally and internally expressing your distress can lead tonegativehealthandlifeconsequences.Incontrast,thebetteryouareatsoothingstress, healing underlying beliefs and hurts, and communicating your thoughtsandfeelingspeacefully,thehealthieryouwillbe.Thenextexercisewillofferexamplesofbothexternalandinternalexpressers.

Theexercisefollowingwillgiveyouacasescenariosothatyoucanassessmoreclearlywhatsortofexpresseryoumaybe.Answerthequestionsthoughtfully.

Exercise2.4:AssessingYourReactionandBehaviorsReadthefollowingscenario,thenchoosetheresponsethatmostrepresentsyourreaction.You havemade planswith your significant other to see amovie.You have

wanted to see this particular movie for months and have been planning thisoutingforalongtime.Yoursignificantothersendsyouamessagethatheorshecan’tmakeitduetoworkinglate,leavingyoufeelingdisappointed,thoughyoutrytounderstand.Afewdayslater,youareonthephonewithamutualfriend,Eve,whotellsyoushesawyoursignificantotheratanewrestaurantandaskedifthepersonheorshewaswithwasaworkcolleague.Youthenfindoutthatthistookplaceonthesameeveningthetwoofyouweremeant togoseeamovie.Yourealizeyouhavebeenliedtoandblownoff.

Howdoyoureact?

A.Feelinghurt,humiliated,andbetrayed,assoonasyougetoffthephonewithEve,youcallyoursignificantotherandreamhimorherout,accusingthemoflyingandcheating.Profanitiesleaveyourmouthinsuccession.Youthrowhisorherclothesoutthewindowandripupallthephotosofthetwoofyou.Youdrivetoabar,drinkyoursorrowsaway,drivehomedrunk,andpassout.YouwakeupthenextmorningfeelinglikeyougotrunoverbyaMacktruck,emotionallyandphysically. You decide to stay drunk for the rest of the week and leavethreateningvoicemailsonyoursignificantother’sphone.

B.Youdonot say anything toEveor call your significant other. Instead, youloadyourselfupwithicecreamandanyotherjunkfoodyoucanfind,stuffingdownyour feelingsasmuchaspossible.Youdecide topretend thatyouneverheardanything,thatitdidn’thappen,andyoulooktheotherway.Whenyouseeyoursignificantother,youactasifnothingiswrong, thoughyoustopofferingsex or cooking dinner. He/she asks you if there is anything wrong, and yourepeatedlysay,“Everythingisfine.”

C.Whenyougetoffthephone,youcontinuetoruminateandbouncebackandforthbetweenbeingangryandhurt,tryingtofindarationalexplanationforyoursignificantother’sbehaviorandplottingawaytoavengeyourself.Rather thanconfronthim/herthateveningorthenextday,youavoidhis/hercallsforaweekormore,waiting until you are ready to face him/her. Thewhole time, as youcontinue to vacillate betweendespair and revenge, you stalk his/herFacebookpage.

D.Assoonasyougetoff thephone,youtakeafewmoments toconnectwithwhat you are feeling. You recognize that you are feeling betrayed, lied to,humiliated, and hurt. You understand that no matter what the excuse, yoursignificantpartnerliedtoyouandthatisneverokay.Youacknowledgethatyouhave every right tobe angry andupset, takedeepbreaths, fill yourheartwithlove, and decide you need to do some self-nurturing because you can’t thinkstraight.Youtakeabathandwriteinyourjournal.Thoughyoustillfindyourselffeelingupsetandhurt,youalsoacknowledgethatyouvalueyourself,yourtime,andyourintegrity.Thenextdayyouaskyourpartnertomeetyouforcoffeeandtell him/her how you feel and that you cannot tolerate lying, that the trust isbroken,andthattherelationshipwillneedtoend,atleastfornow.Youlistentotheexplanation,butyouholdsteadyonyourdecisiontotakecareofyourself.

EvaluatingyourresponseAnswer A is clearly an example of expressing distress externally, both at theother person and at yourself through the act of self-abuse via alcoholoverconsumption. Answer B represents a person who is expressing distressinternally, while answer C reflects a combination of the two. The last caseexemplifies apeacefulwarriorwho first takes theirown feelings into account,honorsthewayhe/shefeels,andtakescareofthemselveswithloveandrespectsothatcommunicationandresolutionaremorepossible.Tolookfurtherintowhatsortofexpresseryoumightbe,dothenextexercise.

Exercise2.5:AssessingExternalVersusInternalExpressionsofDistress

A.TheexternalexpresserExternalexpresserscan’tbemissed,tendingtoopenlyscream,yell,hit,bully,orthreaten, cry, or be general drama queens or kings. Flying into a rage orbecoming melodramatic, even with small problems, and using illogicalarguments while attacking others verbally or otherwise qualifies as externalexpressionsofdistress.Toseeifyoumaybeonetoexpressdistressexternally,answerthefollowingquestions:

Doyou…

•Bullyotherpeopletodowhatyouwantbyusingyourphysical,financial,orauthoritativepowerovertheirweakness?Y/N

•Usename-calling,objectifying,andswearingorphysicalabuseofanykindwhenarguing?Y/N

• Destroy property that belongs to the subject of your distress, your ownbelongings,orrandompropertythathappenstobeinyourway?Y/N

• Abandonothersbyrefusingtocommunicate,answercalls,orgotowork(i.e.,quityourjob)?Y/N

•Threatentohurtothersoryourself,oractinathreateningmanner?Y/N•Feeljustifiedingettingrevengeonthoseyoubelievehavehurtyou?Y/N• Blame or accuse others openly for negative outcomes without takingresponsibilityforyourownactions?Y/N

•Actselfishlyinyourbeliefthatyouareavictimandactentitledbycutting

peopleoffintraffic,ignoringotherpeople’sneeds,ordoingwhateveryouwantdespitetheeffectsyouractionsmayhaveonothers?Y/N

• Openly cry or complain, letting the world know of your problems andvictimizedstate?Y/N

B.TheinternalexpresserPeoplewho internally express distress often appear to be calm at all times astheirdistressiswell-hidden,muted,orrepressed.Ifyouareaninternalexpresserthen,eventhoughyoudonotyell,scream,orcryinpublic,youinternalizeyourfeelings,sometimessodeeplythatyoumightnotevenrealizeyouareindistress.Thisisverycommonwhenitcomestoanger,asmanypeopletendtorepressthisemotion. To see if you may be an internal expresser, answer the followingquestions:

Doyou…

•Avoidconfrontation,conflict,orissuesthatneedtalkingabout?Y/N•Avoidcommunication,looktheotherway,orburyyourheadintheground,hopingaproblemwillgoawayonitsown?Y/N

•Procrastinate,hopinganissuewillresolveitselfovertimesothatyoudon’thavetotakeaction?Y/N

• Manipulateor try to influencepeopleor situations todoorbewhatyouneedthemto,avoidingupset?Y/N

•Withdrawintoyourselfwhenupset,becomingsullenandsulkywithself-pity,whichalsodrawssympathyfromothers?Y/N

•Avoidshowingupontimeoratall,withholdloveorstopdoingthingsyounormallydofororwithothers(likesex,cook,clean,drive,andsoforth)asa passive-aggressive way of controlling someone or a situation withoutblatantlysayinganything?Y/N

•Blameothersforyourmisfortunes,actingasamisfortunateandasavictimwithouttakingresponsibilityforyourownrole?Y/N

• Blame yourself instead of others by withholding care, love, or nurture,invariablyinflictingangerorinjuryonyourself?Y/N

• Over-rationalize and intellectualize a situation to avoid being angry orexpressingemotionswithoutfullyconnectingtoyourfeelings?Y/N

LearningfromYourReactionstoBecomea

PeacefulWarriorThereisnothingwrongwithbeinganexternalorinternalexpresser,otherthanitusuallymakesyouand/orotherpeoplemoremiserable.Thekeyistolearnaboutyourself, your own reactions and patterns, so that you can eventually healyourselfandchangeunderlyingbeliefsfromnegativetopositivesothatyounolongergettriggered.Ifyouarenottriggered,thestressresponsedoesnotgetoutofcontrol.Whenthestressresponseisincontrol,soareyou,enablingyoutobecalmer, connect with reason, and express yourself clearly and strongly, like apeacefulwarrior.Beingapeacefulwarriordoesnotmeannottakingaction,andIhaveusedthe

term “warrior” to make sure of that. If injustice has been done, it is usuallynecessarytodosomething.Butyouwantthesomethingtobeconstructiveandhelpful,notdestructive.Asyoumoveforward,youwillbelearninghowtobemoremindfulofyour

bodyandit’sreactions,youremotionsandhowtheyinfluenceyoutoreact.Youwill also be developing new ways to heal and become more powerful and,ultimately,blissful.Alongtheway,youwillfilloutaDistressAssessmentChart,whichwillhelpyoutoseetheconnectionsbetweenyourfeelings,reactions,andresponses.Youcanbegintofilloutthechartnowbywritinginyouranswersandobservationsfromthepreviousexercises.

DistressAssessmentChart

ThefollowingisanexampleofhowtofilloutaDistressAssessmentChart.Fornow,though,simplyfilloutthefirstfourcolumns.Therestyouwilllearnhowtodoaswegoforward.Onward!

SampleDistressAssessmentChart

W

Chapter3

ZapDistresswithLove

“Wherethereisangerthereisalwayspainunderneath.”—EckhartTolle,ThePowerofNow

ithout suffering or pain, there exists little reason for rage. If you thinkaboutafour-year-oldgirlwhoishurt,howdoesshereact?Doesshecry

outorhavea tantrum,ordoesshetalkherwayoutofwhateversheisfeeling,findreason,anduseherwordswiselytoexpressherself?When you are triggered and distressed, you become like this four-year-old

child, where reason, rationale, and compassion get thrown out the windowbecause the stress response sends signals to higher brain centers like theprefrontal cortex to shut down, while signaling lower, more primitive braincenterssuchastheamygdalatotakeover.Astheamygdalaisactivated,negativeemotions escalate as hurtful and negative memories are brought forward,signalingthestressresponsetofiremorestrongly.Tunnelvisiontakesoverandeventuallywhatmay have started out as a bit of stress transforms into ragingdistress.Tryingtostopthisprocessonceitstartsisakintotryingtostopashiverwhen you are freezing cold, which is close to impossible. However, there doexistexperiencedmeditatorsandmonkswhoarecapableofregulatingtheirownbodytemperaturethroughbreathworkandmeditation.Mypointisthatitispossibletogetcontroloverthestressresponse,shiftout

ofthisnegativestate,andaccessyourhighermind,rationale,andsenseofcalm.Itmaytakealittleworktogetthere,butit’spossible,especiallyifyoulearntohealoldwoundswithalotoflove.

TheMemoriesThatTriggerDistressThoughitisrarethatyourlifeisactuallybeingthreatened,yourbraindoesnotusuallydistinguishbetweenrealorimaginedthreats.Ifathreatisperceivedtobe

severe, the amygdala is activated to take over, and fear and fear-relatedbehaviorstakeprecedenceoveryourrationalbrainandthinkingabilities.Ifthethreat is perceived to bemild, the amygdalawillwork alongside higher braincenters, which influence the amygdala to fire less strongly, thus provoking aweakerstressresponsewithlessassociatednegativeemotions,whichallowsforbetteraccesstocalmandrationalthinkingandbehaviors.Inotherwords,whenyouperceivethatathreatismildandnotlife-threatening,youarebetterabletomotivatesoundactionwithoutlosingyourcool.Theproblemliesinthefactthatmuchofthetimeyouarenotawarethatyou

perceive a given stress as life-threatening or severe because it is yourunconscious mind (not conscious) via your memory bank that is feelingthreatened. In such a case, your brainwill remember anoldmemoryof beinghurt,andathreatthatisminorinrealityisperceivedbythebrainassevere.Theprefrontal cortex and other higher brain centers shut down, causing the stressresponsetochargefasterandstronger,despiteyourknowingbetter.Most of yourmemories, especially the ones that are associatedwith strong

emotions, aren’t necessarily accurate but are associated with assumptions andbeliefsthatyoudevelopedduringthecourseofyourlife.Differentsituationscanbringthesememoriesforwardaswellastheassociatedassumptions,beliefs,andbehaviors.A stressful situationmight trigger a painfulmemory,whichpropelsnegative assumptions and beliefs that eventually lead to a pattern of behavior.The behavior may be explosive in nature, one of avoidance, passiveaggressiveness, abusive (to Self or others), and so forth. The deeper or morehurtfulthememory,theeasieritistotriggertheautomaticresponse.Painfulmemoriescanalsobebroughtforwardwhenasituationisbarelyeven

stressful becauseyou arenot taking careof yourself or you feel vulnerableorphysical ill. This can happen when you are sleep-deprived, full of toxicchemicals(fromfoodoralcohol)thatcreatenegativephysiologyinyourbody,infinancialdistress,overwhelmedwithlife’sresponsibilities,havingdifficultiesina relationship orwork, or experiencing any other sort of stress that leads youfeelingmorevictimthanvictor.Thepointhereisthataslongasyouarefeelingvictimized,oryouconsciously

or unconsciously uphold a belief that you are victimized, distress will play amajorroleinyourlife.Andbelieveitornot,onewaytocorrectthisproblemisbyhavingcompassionforyourself.

ALittleCompassionGoesaLongWay

Imagineyouhavea four-year-olddaughter.Shehascome toyouangryand ishavingatantrumattheplayground.Whatdoyoudo?

•Yellatyourdaughterformakingasceneandpunishherwithatimeout.•Trytocomfortherandthenseeifyoucanfindasolution.•Doesyourreactiondependonhowstressedyouaretobeginwith?

Ifyouwere tounderstand that this littlechild isyouwhenyouare indistress,youwould see that you normally admonish rather than comfortwhen you areupset.Whendistressed,youturnintoalittlechildwithlittletonoaccesstoyouradulthigherbraincentersbecauseyouarehurtingorrememberingatimewhenyouwerehurt.You justwant to fight or fly, or be loved andhaveyourneedsmet.Butthebigquestionis,whatisitexactlythatyouneed?Ifyouknew,youprobablywouldtakecareofitandnotbeindistresstobeginwith.

Exercise3.1:ContemplationinDistressandWhatYouReallyNeedTakeyourtimeandthinkaboutyouranswertoeachquestionandbeashonestasyoucanwithyourself.Imagineyouaresleep-deprived,overwhelmedwithhouseholdneeds,andare

tryingtotalkonthephonewithamaintenancemanwhilemassagingyourheadbecauseyouhave a ragingheadache.Yourkids are fightingwithone another,andyourspousecomeshomeaskingwhatyouhavemadefordinner.

1.Howdoyoureact?2.Whydidyoureactthisway?3.Howdoyoufeelaboutyourselfafteryouhavereacted?4.Whatisityoureallywantandneed?

Iwould imagine that in thisscenarioyoumighthaveexplodedandthenfeltbad about yourself. Likemost people, youmight have also realized thatwhatyoureallywantedwaslove,support,understanding,andtobevalued.“Sowhat?”youmightbethinking.“Whatgoodisknowingwhatyouneedif

nooneinyourlifeisgivingittoyou?”Itisimportanttounderstandyourneedssothatyoucanfindwaystotakecare

ofyourself.Whenyouprovideyourselfwithloveandasenseofvalue,youdonotseekitsomuchoutsideofyourself.

Most people abuse themselveswithpoor food choices,working longhours,not sleeping, and self-criticism. Most people, in other words, do not valuethemselvesandsufferasa result.Whenyoupayattention toyourneeds,havecompassionforyourownsuffering,andprovideyourselfwiththeloveyouareseeking,youcanfindyourselflessstressed,lessattachedtoanygivensituation,lessinvolved,andinastateofblissmoreoftenthannot.

TheHealingForceofLoveandCompassionLet’stakethesamescenarioandswitchitupabit:Yourkidsarefighting,andyouhaveaterribleheadache.Yourspousecomes

homeandhasbroughtyouadozenroses(oryourfavoritebouquetof flowers)andyourfavoritedinnerandtellsyouhe/shejustgotahugeraise.Yourspousetellsyoutorest,takealuxuriousbath,anddowhateveryouneedtosootheyourheadache.Youfeelloved,supported,heard,andtakencareof.Doyoustillscreamatyourkids?In this second scenario, because you are feelingmore supported and loved

and, therefore, balanced, you are less likely to be triggered into a rage. Eventhoughyouhaveaheadacheandyourchildrenareannoyingyou,youmaynotblow up because you are in a better state to begin with, both in mood andphysiology.Thebenefits of feeling loved and supporteddonot stop these feelings from

reflectingtheoppositeexperienceofbeingoverwhelmedandattacked.Love,asopposedtoanger,fear,andothernegativeemotions, initiatespositiveemotionsandapositivephysiological state thatopposes thenegativephysiologyevokedby the stress response because of a release of the love hormone (oxytocin),happy chemicals like endorphins, and neurotransmitters like serotonin anddopamine.Whileendorphinscreate thesenseofeuphoriaandrelief frompain,dopaminecounteractstheeffectsoffearandangerandimprovesyourcirculationand mood. Vasopressin and nitric oxide regulate your blood pressure andcirculation, and oxytocin lowers your anxiety levels and makes you moresociable and loving. With love, stress levels are lowered along with stresshormones, memory and mood improve, wounds heal better and faster, andcardiovascularfunctionstrengthens,asdoesbonding,attachment,andtrustthatapositivefutureispossible.Lovealsodoesafunnythingtoyourbrain—itstimulatesrewardcentersinit

thatmakeyoubelieveanythingispossible,thatyouareontopoftheworldandinvincible.

LoveStimulatesHappyMemoriesandRewardLoveinducesapositivesenseofrewardfilledwithpeace,balance,pleasure,andwell-being.Feelinglovedstimulatesyourmemoriesofbeinghappyandcontent.When in the state of love, your brain pulls from your positivememory bankpropagating attitudes, beliefs, and emotions that are positive and well-intentioned.Yourpositivememorybank, like thenegative,alsobringsforwardmemories,emotions,andconclusions fromyourpast,but theyareallpositive.Ratherthanfeedingyoustoriesofnegativity,victimization,andsuffering,yourpositivememoriesprovideyouwithmemoriesofbeinghappy,feelinggood,andstoriesofyoursuccess.

Exercise3.2:NoticingtheDifferenceBetweenLoveandFearA.Thinkaboutatimewhenyoufelteuphoricorfullofawe—maybeyouwereheadover heels in love, you justwitnessed themost incredible sunset, or youjust got back from an amazing hike in nature. Write down your experience,answeringthequestionsthatfollow.

Payattentiontoyourchestandyourbreath.Whathappenstoyourbreathing?

Doesthechestfeelopenorclosed?Describewhatyoufeel.

Doyoufeeldowncastorstrong?Describehowyouarefeeling.

Doyoufeelirritatedorhappy?Describetheemotion.

Doyoufeellikeyoucouldbeeasilyangered?Describehowcloseyouaretofallingapartandwhy.

B. Now think about a time when you felt humiliated, like a failure, rejected,criticized,unloved,orunwanted.

Payattentiontoyourchestandyourbreath.Whathappenstoyourbreathing?

Doesthechestfeelopenorclosed?Describewhatyoufeel.

Doyoufeeldowncastorstrong?Describehowyouarefeeling.

Doyoufeelirritatedorhappy?Describetheemotion.

Doyoufeellikeyoucouldbeeasilyangered?Describehowcloseyouaretofallingapartandwhyorwhynot.

I know, for one, when I am overflowing with love, or after I have hiked innature,whichoftenprovidesmewith thesamefeelings, there is little thatgetsme distressed, completely in contrast to times I feel unloved, alone, ordisconnected.Theproblemformostofusliesinthefactthatlifeisquitestressfulandour

negativeemotions,conditions,andexpectationsareusuallymoreprominentthanthepositive.Negative expectations, conditions, and emotions set off the stressresponse,which sets offmore negative emotions, assumptions, and behaviors,which often creates a vicious cycle of negativity.We easily forget our happymemories,andunlesswehavecontinuouspositivereinforcementintheformofpeoplewholoveus,alifethatgoesthewayweplan,financialabundance,andsoforth,thenegativememoriesandfeelingstakeover.Inthestateoflove,youcanfeelsecure,safe,andsupported,meaningyouare

lesslikelytobeorfeelnegativelyorhaveanoverlyactivestressresponse.Youhavegreateraccesstoyourhigherbraincentersandarebetterabletoberelaxed,evaluateyouravailableresourcesandtools,accesssupport,andsolveproblems.With this greater confidence and positivity, you are then more capable ofattractingpeoplewhowillsupportyou,improvingyourrealityasaresult.Thekeyistobeabletotapintoyourpositivememoriesandfeelingsofbeing

lovedatanypointthatyouneedto—whenlifeisgoingasyouplanorwhenitisthrowingyoucurveballsthatendupbonkingyouinthehead.

TappingintoLoveYoudon’thavetoactuallyfallinlovewithsomeonetomakethiswork.Infact,love is a physiological state that can be tapped into in a variety ofways thatoften have nothing to do with anyone else. You can, for instance, use your

imaginationtofocusontheexperienceofbeinglovedbysomeoneyouadore,bytheuniverse,orbyanimaginarybeing.Love,orthephysiologicalstateoflove,can be accessed through meditation, the practice of compassion, gratitude,mindfulness,spendingtimeinnature,volunteering,otherself-carepractices(likehealthy eating and exercise), spirituality or spiritual activities, social support,andspendingtimewithpets.

Exercise3.3:TappingintoLoveA.Contemplateasituationthatmakesyouangry.Payparticularattentiontoyourbreathing and the sensations you feel in your chest, otherwise known as yourheartcenter.

Noteyourexperiencehere:

B.Contemplateanexperienceofawe—abeautifulsunset,thesmellofsummerrain,orthelookonsomeone’sfacewhenyousurprisedthemwitharandomactofkindness.Onceagain,payattentiontoyourbreathingandthesensationsyouexperienceinyourbody,particularlyyourheartcenter.Continuetofocusonthisexperienceofaweforanothermomentortwo,enjoyingitasmuchasyoucan.

Noteyourexperiencehere:

C.Thinkaboutthesituationthatmakesyouangryagain.Thistime,noteifthereisachangefromthefirstexperienceaswellasthesecond.Didyourchestclose,open,closeagain?Wasitasbadthesecondtime,afterbeinginthestateofloveforamomentortwo?

Noteyourexperiencehere:

You may have noted that your chest tightened up and your breaths becameshorter and more constricted when you were distressed. You may also havenoticed that your chest opened up and your breaths lengthened whencontemplatingalovingexperience.Inthelattercase,didyounoticethoughthatthe restricted feeling in your chest was not as strong as the first time aroundwhencontemplatingtheupsettingthoughtagain?Just like that, within seconds, you changed your physiological response by

tappingintothephysiologyoflove,whichIcalledTheLoveResponse®4manyyearsago.Tappingintoloveonaregularbasiscaninfluenceeverypartofyourlife.Thiscanincludehealingoldhurtsandnegativestories,quicklyshiftingoutofanegativemoodandaccessingyourhigherbraincenters,takingbettercareofyourselfandmakingstrongerlifechoices,havingmorelovingrelationships,andbeingahappierandhealthierperson.

TheTMIProcesstoUsingLoveMoreoftenthannot,tappingintothephysiologyoflovewillhelpyoufindyourblissasyouareable tokeep thestress responseundercontrol,yourmoodandyourbeliefspositive,andyourreactionsstrongandcalm.Theprocessinvolvesbringingloveintoyourlifeinthreeactionsteps:

1. Use love to resolveunderlyinghurtsandnegativebeliefsor stories thatyouhaveheldontoforalongtime.

2. Shift into thephysiologyof love togetoutof anegativemood, as thislowermooddiminishesyourtriggerthreshold.

3. Createmore loveandsupport inyour lifebygettingmore sleep,eatinghealthier,joiningasupportgroup,andsoforth.

Tohelpyourememberwhatyouneedtodoandhowtothenapplylove,youcanusetheacronymTMI:

T=TriggerassessmentandresolutionM=MoodassessmentandshiftingI=Infrastructureassessmentandrebuilding

ActionStep1:TriggerAssessmentandResolutionYouonlygettriggeredifthereissomethingtheretobetriggeredby.Noonecanmakeyoufeelinferiorordisrespectedifyoualreadybelieveinandknowyourowngreatnessandvalue.For instance,someonemayact rudely towardyouorcut you off in line while waiting for a coffee. This person has certainlydisrespected you, which is unpleasant and irritating. But is this a cause forexplosion? Ifyour reactionoutweighs theseverityof thesituation, it is safe tobetthatsomewhereinsideyouthereexistsamemoryofbeingdisrespectedanddevalued. It isnowup toyou to find thatmemory,heal it, and foreverbeun-triggered.To assess your trigger, you will want to refer to your Distress Assessment

Chart,andfollowthefourstepsnecessarytocreateyourcategoriesofdistress:

1.Validateyourfeelings,acknowledgingtoyourselfthatyouhavetherighttofeeldistress.

2. Witnessyourphysiologyby takingnoteofyourphysicalandemotionalreaction—what you feel in your body, where you feel the tension, andwhatemotionsarerisingupinyou.

3.Labelthereasonyouaredistressed,askingyourselfwhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.

4.Noticehowyouexpressandreact.

DistressAssessmentChart

Assessing your trigger will also involve asking yourself if your reaction isappropriate,over-the-top,orone that causedyou to feelbadaboutyourself. Ifyoudon’tlikethewayyoufeelorhowyoubehaved,orifyounotethatyouhaveblownupwhenyouwanttobeblissingout,startaskingyourselfthesequestionsthatwillhelpyoutofurtherlabelyourfeelingsandthesituationandknowifyouhavebeentriggered.

TriggerQuestions

•DoIfeeltriggered?Y/N•AmIangrierthanwhatthesituationcallsfor?Y/N•DoIfeeloutofcontrol?Y/N•AmIactinginthesamewayIalwayshavewhenreallyangry?Y/N•Isthisexperienceleadingmetofeelmorenegativelyaboutmyself?Y/N•WhenhaveIfeltthisfeelingbefore?Y/N•IsthefeelingorbeliefthatIhaverightnoweventrue?Y/N•IsthefeelingorbeliefthatIhaverightnowevenlogical?Y/N

Ifyouhaveuncoveredthatyouareoverreacting,expressingyourdistressinan

unhealthyway, or feeling bad about yourself, you can assume, of course, thatyou have been triggered. In addition, asking yourself if your belief is true orlogicalwillhelpguideyou to thememory thatyourbrain is tapping into.Themorenegativethebelief,themoreillogicalanduntrueitusuallyis.Youcantellanegative,falsebelieffromatrue,logical,orpositiveonebypayingattentiontodescriptivewordslike“always,”“never,”“noone,”or“everyone.”Examplesofthoughtsorstoriesthatarelikelyuntrue,illogical,andnegativearecontainedinthelistbelow.

Examplesofuntrue,false,andillogicalstatements

•Noonelovesme.•Ialwaysgettreatedthisway.•InevergetwhatIwant.•Healwaysdoesthistome.•Noonevaluesmycontribution.•Ialwayshavetodoeverythingmyself.•Noonelistenstome.

ActionStep2:MoodAssessmentandShiftingThemoodyouareinshapesyourperceptionofanygivensituation.Wakeuponthewrongsideof thebed?Most thingswill irritateyou.You feel lucky?Verylittlewill get your goat.A negative state ofmind breeds negative physiology,which gives your amygdalamore power.A positivemindset gives you powerover the amygdala as youhavemore access to higher brain centers, includingyourprefrontalcortex,positivethinking,andrewardcircuits.Assessing yourmood is pretty self-explanatory—Do you feel good or bad?

Happyorsad?Negativeorpositive?Yousimplyneedtoobservewhatandhowyou are feeling and have been feeling emotionally and physically. Also askyourself the followingquestionswhenyou findyourself triggeredand relate itbacktoyourDistressAssessmentChart:

•Wasmystressresponsehighlyactivepriortothisincident?Y/N•WasIinagoodmoodorbad?Y/N•WasIhappy,sad,annoyed,tired,overwhelmed,orindifferent?Circlethedescriptionsthatapply.

•HaveIbeenfeelinglikeavictimlately?Y/N

•HaveIbeenfeelingluckyorunlucky?Lucky/Unlucky•DoIperceivetheworldasagoodplaceorabadplacerightnow?Good/Bad

•HaveIbeenupsetaboutanythingrecentlythatIamnotaddressing?Y/N•IfIansweredyestobeingupset,whathaveIbeenupsetabout?Describe.

ActionStep3:InfrastructureAssessmentandRebuildingIfyouarefeelingsick,sleep-deprived,overwhelmed,overburdened,unsatisfiedwith your life, or have been eating poorly and not getting the exercise orexposure to nature that your body needs, not only are youmore likely to beunhappyandinabadmood,butyouaremoreapttogettriggered.Sleep,goodnutrition, movement, spending time in nature, social support, spirituality,meditation, and counseling are all examples ofwhat I term “infrastructure,” asystemof support for yourmind, body, and life.Having a solid infrastructurekeeps your stress response in check and you happy and healthy. You can askyourselfthesequestionswhenyouareangryorevenonanongoingbasis:

HaveIbeenrunningonempty?Y/NIfyes,describe.

HaveIhadenoughsleep?Y/NIfno,describe.

DoIfeelrestedortired?Rested/TiredDescribe.

AmIinanypain?Y/NIfyes,describe.

IsthereaphysicalreasonIammoreirritable?Y/NIfyes,describe.

DoIfeelthatIamlackinginsupportfromotherpeople?Y/NIfyes,describe.

Whatelseisbotheringmeinmylife?Describe.

WhenisthelasttimeIfeltconnectedtosomethingbiggerthanjustmylittlelife?Describe.

DoIfeelalone?Y/NIfyes,describe.

WhenisthelasttimeIdidsomethingfunorplayful?Describe.

WhenisthelasttimeIspenttimeinnature?Describe.

WhenisthelasttimeIexercised?Describe.

WhathaveIbeeneatingoverthepastfewdays?Describe.

Ioftencompareagoodinfrastructuretoastrongdamthathasseveraloutletsforwatertobereleased.Imagine,ifyouwill,thatthisdamisyourlifeandthatitisconstantly being filled by rain,which is akin to the stress in your life. If youhavenooutletsforthewater,thedamwilleventuallyoverflowandbreak.Withoutlets for release, the water can stay level and the dam strong. When yourinfrastructureisintact,youmakesurethatyouhaveseveraloutletstokeepyourstress in check and taken careof.A strong infrastructurehas everything todowithlovingyourselfenoughtotakecareofyourself,connectingwithotherswhocanloveandsupportyouandtosomethinglargerthanyouthathelpsyougetby,likenatureoraspiritualbelief.Inthenextchapter,youwilllearnaboutcreatingasolidinfrastructureorhow

to strengthen the one you have. For now, I encourage you to fill out thefollowingquestionnaire to assesswhereyou standwith regard toyourTMI togiveyouanideaofwhereyouhavesomeworktodo.Knowthatthesequestionsarenotmeanttomakeyoufeelbadorguilty.Rather,thisexercisepreparesyoufortheall-importantfirststepinyourhealingprocess:becomingawareofwhatisgoingwellinyourlifeandwhatstillneedswork.

Exercise3.4:TheTMIQuestionnairePleaseratethefollowingquestionsasfollows:

•Alwaystrue=4•Moretimesthannot=3•Rarelytrue=2•Nottrue=1

Whenyouaredone,simplyaddupyourscore.

•Ascoreof160meansyoumaynotneedtoreadthisbook,butreaditanywaybecauseyouarecurious.

•Ascoreof120–159meansyoucouldusethisbookforlightreadingandlearnabit.

•Ascoreof80–119meansit’sprobablyagoodideaforyoutotakegoodnotesandimplementsomechanges.

•Ifyourscoreis30–79,itmeansyoumightwanttohaveyourhighlighterreadyasyoumayneedtoreadthisbookafewtimesoverasyoucontinuetomakelifechanges.

Aside from your total score, take note of which categories are the mostproblematic for you. Take your time and answer the following questions astruthfullyandhonestlyasyoucan.

Socialsupport

1.IfeelIamrespectedandlovedbymysignificantother.2. My personal relationships are nurturing, rather than tense and

melodramatic.3.IfeelthatIcancountonmyfriendsorfamilytosupportmeatanytime.4.Idon’ttakeontasksallbymyselfoftenasIknowhowtoaskforhelpand

delegateresponsibilitieswelltoothers.5.Irarelygetangryorupsetwithmyfriendsorlovedones.6.Ienjoyspendingtimedoingthingswithotherpeopleanddosofrequently.

Worksupport

7.IfeelIamrespectedandsupportedbymycolleagues.8. Mywork relationships aremore often congenial rather than tense and

stressful.9.IhaveadequatesupportatworkandfeelthatIcanexpressmyneedsand

beheard.

Self-love/value

10.Ifeelcompletewithinmyself,neverneedingtorewardmyselfwithfoodoralcoholafterhavingahardday.

11.Ivaluemyowncompanyandenjoyspendingtimealone.12.Ifeelsecurewithmyselfandknowmyownvalue.13.Iamhonestandlovingwithmyselfaboutmyfaultsandimperfections.14.IamgoodatmakingmyselfhappyandgivingmyselfthethingsIneed.

Selfandphysicalcare/health

15.IamgoodatmakingsureIgetregularexercise.16.IalwaysfeelrestedwhenIwakeupinthemorning.17.ImakesureIgetadequatesleepmoreoftenthannot.18. I rarely eat sugar, bad fats, or processed foods as my diet consists of

vegetables,somefruit,protein,andhealthyfats.19. I feel physically very healthy and rarely experience pain or other

symptoms.

Acceptanceandexpression

20.Iamhonestandlovingwithothersabouttheirfaultsandimperfections.21.IamabletoexpresshowIfeelcalmly.22.IfIdon’texpressmyselfcalmlyandlosemytemper,Icandosowithout

alsohavingfeelingsofshameorguilt.23.Idonotcastblameonmyselfwhensomethinggoeswrong.24.Idonotcastblameonotherswhensomethinggoeswrong.

Criticismandaccountability

25.Icantakecriticismwithoutfallingapart.26. I feel that for the most part, I have been treated fairly in my life and

circumstancesthatbefallmeareusuallyfair.27.Icanoffercriticismwithcompassionandwithoutbeinghurtful.28.IcanlistenwithoutgettingangryorupsetwhenIambeingcriticized.29.IamabletotakerisksasIneverfearofrejection.30. I am able to let go of disappointing or hurtful situations without

ruminatingorconstantlyfeelingasenseoflossorgrief.

Spirituality

31. I havea spiritualbelief systemand/or feel connected tonature,God,orSpirit.

32.Ioftentakewalksorengageinactivitiesoutinnature.33.Ioftenvolunteermytimeoreffortstohelpothers.34.IfeellikeIbelongtosomekindofcommunity,onemadeupoffriendsor

otherpeoplewhosharemyinterests,suchasaspiritualorreligiousbeliefsystemorloveofasportorhobby.

35.Iknowhowtoremaincalmandfindtimetorelaxormeditate.36.IfeellikeIhavealifepurpose.

Senseofhumor

37.Ienjoylaughingoften.38.Icanmakeafoolofmyselfandlaughandnotfeelhumiliated.39.IhaveahobbyorpassionthatIamactivelyinvolvedwiththatbringsme

joy.40. I think that my imperfections make me who I am, and I can laugh at

myselfandtakemyselflessseriously.

TotalScore______

ZappingStresswithLoveKnowingthatyouhavebeentriggeredtellsyouthatthechildinyouishavingatantrum and is in need of soothing with compassion and care. Through thecourseof thisbook,youwilldiscoveravarietyof tools thatwillallowyou tohealyourtrigger,changeyourmood,andfixyourinfrastructure.Youwilllearntouseyour imagination,useaffirmations,or takepart inactivities thatsupportthe experience of feeling more loved and valued. You will discover how toswitchyourmoodandmindsetfromnegativetopositiveprettymuchanytimeby redirecting your focus to another thought or memory, finding your humorbutton,ordoingsomethinglovingandgenerousforyourselforotherstobreakyourmood.Ready for more? Let’s move on to really looking and fixing your

infrastructure.

I

Chapter4

RestructureYourInfrastructure

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems—not people; to focus yourenergiesonanswers—notexcuses.”

—WilliamArthurWard

fyouhaven’tfigureditoutyet,yourbrainisnotseparatefromyourbodyandneitherareseparatefromyourenvironment.Thismeansthatwhatyouputin

yourbody,dowithyourbody,andsurroundyourselfwithinyourlifewillaffecthowyoufeel,howyouthink,howyouperceiveyourselfinyourworld—enoughor not enough—and ultimately how you react. A balanced life translates to amorebalancedyou.Youmightbethinkingtoyourself,“Abalancedlife?Ihavenotimeforthat!If

Ihadtimetobebalanced,Iwouldn’tbereadingthisbook!”Andyou couldbe absolutely right.Having said that, you can always create

balance inyour life,even ifyoudonothave time. Itmaymeanmakinga fewchangeswithinthetimeyouhavetogetthestressresponseundercontrolinasmanywaysaspossiblesothatyoudon’tfindyourselfsoeasilytriggered.Keepinmindthatthemoreyouabuseyourselfwithpoorlifestylehabits,themoreyouwillperceivetheworldasabusive,takethingspersonally,andfeelmorestressed.Iknow,forexample,thatwhenIeatfoodsthatareprocessedorhighinsugar,

I feelmoredepressed and anxious the followingday. I have less patience, ammoreirritable,andmynegativestoriesplaymoreprominentlyinmyhead.ThesameistruewhenIdon’tgetenoughsleep.Haveyoufilledoutthequestionnaire?Whatpartsofyourlifeorinfrastructure

needhelp?Inthischapter,IwillreviewwhatIbelievearetheimportantaspectsof the infrastructure thatyoucanbuild tohelpyoukeepcalm, feelbetter, andfindmorebliss.

MunchiestoTurnYourMoodytoMerry:NutritionYou’veheardthesaying“Youarewhatyoueat.”It’strue,forthemostpart.Ifyoueatjunk,youwillfeellikejunk.Ifyoueathealthy,nurturingfoods,youwillfeelthesame.Inwhichstatedoyouimagineyouaremorepronetobetriggeredtobestressed?Yourbrainisfunctioning24/7andneedstobesupportedwithhigh-gradefuel,

much of which comes from the foods you eat. The fuel you take in greatlyinfluences the structure and function of your brain and your mood. Like anexpensivecar,yourbrainworksbestonpremiumfuelthatcomesfromfoodsthatcontain loads of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, proteins, complexcarbohydrates,andgoodfats,whichnourishthebrainandprotectitfrombeingdamaged.Whenyouingestanythingbutpremiumfuel,yourbrainsuffers.Lowpremium

fuelssuchasrefinedsugars,transfats,processedfoods,andchemicalscanharmthe brain because they promote inflammation, have negative influences oninsulin, and cause oxidative stress, which is essentially a process of rusting.Science is showingusnow thatadiethigh in refinedsugars, for instance,canworsenmooddisorders,includingdepression.5One of the reasons this happens is because a poor diet will cause your

serotoninlevelstofall.Serotoninisaneurotransmitterthathelpsregulatesleep,appetite,pain,andmood.About95percentofyourserotoninisproducedinyourgut,which is linedwithmillionsof nerve cells that are directlywired to yourbrain. (This is why when you are nervous, youmay experience butterflies inyourbelly.) In the liningofyourgut,youalsohave friendlybacteria thathelpdigest and absorb nutrients, protect you from toxins and inflammation, andinfluencetheproductionofneurotransmitters,likeserotonin.Whenyoueatpoorly,aswiththetypicalWesterndiet,notonlydoyoutakein

foodsthatarevoidofthenutrientsrequiredtomakeneurotransmittersandfuelyourbrain,butyouarealsoingestingfoodsthatcauseinflammation,“rusting,”damagetothegoodbacteria,andmorestressonyourbody.Morestresscausesthestresshormone,cortisol,torise,whichcancauseafurtherdropinlevelsofabsorbed vitamins and minerals, including the B vitamins, which normallyinfluence mood positively. As inflammation runs rampant through your bodyandnecessaryvitaminandneurotransmittersfall,yourmooddoestoo.Iencourageyoutostartpayingattentiontohoweatingdifferentfoodsmakes

you feel—not just in themoment, but thenextday.The junkier yourdiet, thejunkieryourbrainwillfeel.Eventhoughyoumaycravecomfortfoodwhenyouaredown,manyofthefoodsyouchoosearenotcomfortingtoyourbrainandare

thereforenothelpingyou in the least,neitheryourhealthnoryourmood.Thebestwaytoreallypayattentionis tokeepa logofyournutritionintake,alongwithyourmoodchanges,upordown.

Exercise4.1:Nutrition/MoodLogYou can use the following sample log to keep track of how you feel withintwenty-four hours after eating, taking special attention to experiences wheneating dairy, sugar, baked goods, and processed foods of any kind. Note anysymptoms you might experience such as irritability, anxiety, poor sleep,heartburn, indigestion, change in bowel habits, headaches, congestion, poorconcentration,“fuzzy”thinking,andsoforth,alongwithsignsoffeelinggood,energized,pain-free,andsoforth.Youmayalsowanttonotetheseverityofthesymptoms and the timing (within an hour of eating or somewhere within thetwenty-four-hourperiod).Additionalinformationcanincludehowthefoodwasprepared,whopreparedit(youorarestaurant,forinstance),andbrand.

Nutrition/MoodLog

As you keep this log, try to eat a “clean” diet for threeweeks. This involvescuttingoutallprocessedfoodsandsugarandeatinglotsofvegetables,acouple

ofpiecesoffruitaday,grass-fedandhormone-freeprotein,andsomenutsandseeds, healthy fats like avocado, cold-pressed olive oil and coconut oil, andgluten-free grains like quinoa. Add fermented foods like kimchi, miso,sauerkraut,pickles,orkombuchaorprobioticfoodstogetthosefriendlybacteriainandworking.Youalsomightwanttotrygoingdairyfreeaswellasgrainfree.Notehowyoufeel.Afterthreeweeks,slowlyintroducefoodsbackintoyourdiet,onebyone,and

keep track of any changes that may occur. Many of you may have foodsensitivities thatyouarenotawareof thatmaybe settingoffan inflammatoryresponse,whichshowsupphysicallyinyouasirritabilityandchangeinmood.Themore in tune you arewith yourself, themore power you have in helpingyourselftofeelhappyandhealthy.Itisalsoimportantforyounottoskipmeals.Adropinbloodsugarmaycause

you to becomemore irritable. If you are someonewho typically does tend tobecome“hangry”(hungryangry),trytoeatfivetosixsmallmealsadaytokeepupyourbloodsugarlevel.

TheBottomLineforNutritionandMood

•Keepadailylog.•Avoidrefinedsugar(especiallyhigh-fructosecornsyrup),processedfoods,andwhiteflourproducts.

•Avoiddeepfriedfoodsandfoodsmadewithhydrogenatedoilsandtransfats.

•Eatplentyofvegetables,twopiecesoffruit,leanandhormone-freeproteins,somenutsandseedsdaily,andhealthyfats,keepingyourgrainstoaminimum.

•Trytosticktothe80/20rule—Eightypercentcleanand20percentwhateveryouwant,alwayskeepingtrackofhowdifferentfoodsmayaffectyourmood.

•Ifyouwouldliketocleanseyoursystemandgetmorespecificguidanceandkick-startyourbodyintoahealthyyou,youmaywanttotrymyseven-dayfilterdiet(seewww.drselhub.com).

MoveItorLoseIt:ExerciseIcannotstressenoughhowimportantexerciseandmovementaretokeepyour

moodbalanced.Keepinmindthathumanswerenotmeanttobesedentary.Weroamed the earth, looking for shelter, scavenging, finding food, and buildingforts.Theterm“survivalofthefittest”shouldtellyouthatbeingacouchpotatois not conducive to the survival of the species. Being sedentary is also notconducivetomaintainingahappymood.Exercisenotonlyoffersamyriadofhealthbenefits,butitalsohelpscontrol

the stress response and aids in raising serotonin and endorphin levels, whichstabilizemood.6Even if infrequently done, exercise canhave a positive effectagainst thebuildingupof anger.Exercisingwhenyouare angry, for example,givesyoutheopportunitytoreleasepent-upenergyandhaveachancetothink.IwillreviewavarietyoftechniquesinChapter7 thatwillenableyou todiffusestress through the use of different types of movement that give you theopportunitytobothexerciseandresolveinternalconflict.As ageneral rule, I do recommendyouget yourbutt off the couch andget

yourbodymoving.Notonlywillyourbrainandbodythankyouphysiologically,butyouwillfeelmuchbetteraboutyourself.Themoreyouvalueyourself, thelessyouwillbetriggeredbyotherpeople’sactions.

Exercise4.2:ActivityandExercisePrescriptionThebestprescriptionforexerciseisfindingsomethingyouenjoyandsticktoit.You want to mix it up with two to three days of shorter and more intensestrength-training workouts, and active rest days where you partake in low-intensitymovement likewalking, hiking, or taking a slow bike ride or swim.Strength-trainingworkoutsdonotneedto involveweights, ifyouprefernot tousethem,asyoucanuseyourownbodyweight.Movementscanincludepush-ups,pull-ups, squats,planks,etc.These typesofexerciseshelpyoubuild leanmusclemass,strengthenyourbones,improveyourmetabolism,andhelpyoubestronger (not just feel it). You may opt for yoga, Pilates, jogging, biking, orswimming. There are no rights or wrongs. Keeping a log of your weeklyactivitiesandobservinghowyoufeel,positivelyornegatively,willalsohelpyouhoneinontheactivitiesthatbestsuityouandahappymood.Below is an example ofwhat you can do during theweek for exercise and

howtokeepalog.

SampleExerciseWeek

Day1:Walkatamoderatepacewithafriendforthirtyminutesat75percentof

maxheartrate.

Day2:Twenty-five-minutestrengthtraining.

Day3:Zumbaclassorgohikingatfastpaceaimingforasprintworkout.Youcantrycyclingonastationarybike,runningsprints,rowingonanerg,etc.

Day4:Activerest,walkyourdogorsomeoneelse’sdog(effortabout55percentofmaxheartrate)foranhour.

Day5:Twenty-five-minutestrengthtraining.

Day6:Walkoutdoorswithafriendforthirtyminutesat75percentofmaxheartrate.

Day7:Activerest,walkyourdogorsomeoneelse’sdog(effortabout55percentofmaxheartrate)foranhour.

Activity/MoodLog

TheBottomLineforExercise

•Keepadailylogofactivities.YoumayconsidergettingaFitbitorothertypeofmonitorthatshowsyoutheeffectsofyoureffortsonyourpulse,breathing,andsleep.

•Havefunorelseyoumaygetboredandstopexercising.•Findfriendsoranexercisebuddy,whomayalsobeabletohelptalkyouthroughyourproblems.

•Exerciseoutdoors,asyouaremorelikelytoenjoytheworkoutandhavelessdiscomfortorfatigue.

Who’sGotYourBack?SocialSupportAssocialbeings,humansdesiretobeingroups,asthesupportwegetiscrucialtoourhealthandwell-being.Largelyduetothereleaseofthehormoneoxytocinandthedropinstresshormones,socialsupporthelpsusfeelbetter,cope,andbehealthier,especiallyiftherelationshipsarestrongandloving.7Thekeywordshereare“strongandloving,”becausewhenthelovebetween

youandothersisstrong,itsustainsyouandgivesyourlifereasonandmeaning.Itremindsyouthatyouarevaluedandworthy,whichhelpskeepyoursenseofSelf intact and mind at peace. This love enables you to feel safer and moresecure. It stimulates your personal growth and identity and helps youmanagelife’shardships,ultimatelykeepingyourstressresponseincheckandyourmoodmoreincontrol.Formost of youwhohavedistress switches that tend to be turnedonquite

often,itmaybethatyouarelackinginsuchloveinyourlife.Itmaybe,infact,thatthereasonyoufeelstressedsooftenisthattherelationshipsinyourlifearenotsupportiveorlovingenough,oratleastyoudonotperceivethemassuch.Ifyouareinrelationshipsthatarenotloving,supportive,orasgivingastheyarereceiving, you will be triggered into distress frequently. The lack of love, inotherwords,isthereasonyoufeelbadinthefirstplace.Whenassessing the social supportpartofyour infrastructure, therefore,you

wanttoanalyzehowsupportivepeopleareinyourlifeandalsohowgoodyouarewhenitcomestoreceivingsupport.Ifyouareincapableofaskingforhelpandreceivingit,theproblemmaynotliewiththeotherperson,butwithyounotfeelingworthyofbeinglovedorknowinghowtoask.

Exercise4.3:AbilitytoReceiveSelf-Assessment

A.Statements:Circletrueorfalse

•Ifindithardtosaynotopeople.True/False•Ioftenfeelitismyresponsibilitytomakesureeveryoneishappy.True/False

•IfeelitreflectsbadlyonmeifIdon’tmakeotherpeoplehappy.True/False•Iamtheonealwayslisteningtootherpeople’sproblemsbutrarelytellingthemaboutmyown.True/False

•IhaveahardtimeaskingforwhatIneed.True/False

Ifyouanswered“true”fortwoormoreofthesestatements,itislikelythatyoutend togive rather than receive loveandsupport,whichmeansyoumaymoreeasily findyourself tappedout, overwhelmed, and resentful.Thequestionyoumaywanttoaskyourself,then,is:

B.Questions:WhydoIgiveandnotreceive?WhatamIscaredof?Takeyourtime to think about andwrite your answer, particularly focusing onwhat youmightbescaredof ifyousaynoor fail togiveandmakeothershappy.Thinkaboutwhatmighthappenasaresultofyouractions.IwouldsuggesttakingeachofthestatementsinAandfiguringoutwhatfearmaybebehindyouranswer.

Onceyouhaveassessedwhyyoumaybemorelikelytogiveorreceive,takeacloser look at your actual relationships.Who gives to you?Who takes?Whoboosts you up, and who shuts you down? Once you have answered these

questions,seeifyourfears(youranswerstoB)playaroleinthedynamicsoftherelationshipbyassessingyourrelationshipsusingthefollowingguide.

Exercise4.4:RelationshipsAssessment

SoulFamilyAssessmentLog

Isyourlifevoidofsupport,orisitnotasbadasyouthought?Whatroleareyouoryourfearsplaying?Inmanycases,workingonlettinggoofyourownfearscan change the dynamics of your relationships, creatingmore balance, sharedlove,andsupport.Throughout thisbook,youwill learnhow to ridyourselfofyour fears and discover your own self-value, whichwill enable you to createmorebalancedrelationships.Sometimes,nomatterwhatyoudo,therelationshipwillneverbebalanced.In

suchcases,itmaybenecessaryforyoutodistanceyourselffromthepersonorend the relationship altogether. No matter the situation, I encourage you toenhanceyourlifewithrelationshipsthatdofeedyouinordertohandletheonesthatdon’t.Youcandosobygoingtoplacesordoingactivitieswhereyouhaveshared interests with people. I suggest joining a local church, synagogue,spiritualorganizationorgroup(itcouldbeameditationgroup),orotherinterestgroupslikeabookclub,knittinggroup,hikingormovieclub,andsoforth.Thekey is for you to engage with others who share interests with you and toeventuallyfeellikeyoubelongtosomethingorsomeone.Themoreyoufeellike

youbelong,thestrongeryouwillfeelinternallyandthelesstriggeredyouwillbewhenunderstress.

BottomLineforSocialSupport

•Understandwhatittakesforyoutofeelgood(moresleep,healthyfood,intimateconversation,someoneactuallylisteningtoyou,ahug,andsoforth).

•Onceyouareclearaboutwhatyoumightneedatanygivenmoment,choosetherightpeoplewhowillbeabletohelpyouwiththoseneeds(youdon’tgotoacarmechanictofixyourbrokenleg).

•Practiceaskingforhelp.•Practicelettingpeopleknowthatsometimesyoujustwanttobeheard,nottoldwhattodo.

•Setanintentiontocheckinwithafriendorlovedonedaily,byphoneorinperson.Youmaywanttocreateanagreementwiththemonwhenthischeck-incanhappen.

•Makeplaydatesatleastonceaweekwithsomeoneyouwouldliketogettoknowbetterorwhoserelationshipyouwanttonurture.

•Joinaclub,supportgroup,spiritual/religiousgroup,orcommunitythatsharesyourinterests.

FindingOneness:SpiritualityFeeling likeyoubelongdoesn’t just involvefindingpeople tobewithyoubutalso connecting to something larger than just you or connecting to yourspirituality.Beingspiritualisnotaboutbeingreligious,believinginGod,orevenpraying. It is about sharing, giving, and receiving love from something that isbeyondyou,whatyousee,andwhatisinfrontofyou.Itisaboutfaith.Faithhelpsyougetthroughhardsituations,understandthatyouarenotalone,

andfindmeaning.Themoremeaningyouhaveinyourlife,thelesshelplessyoufeelinadversecircumstancesandthemorevaluedyoufeelingeneral.ThoughIam not advocating that you become religious, I am suggesting that if there issomething that you feel drawn to—a particular religious or spiritual belief,process,nature,orpurpose—thenmakethetimetoget involvedwithitsothatyoucanworkonbuildingyourfaithinsomethinggreaterthatsupportsyou.Asimplewaytogetstartedisbyregularlyconnectingtoyoursenseofawe.

You can do so by admiring a beautiful sunset or other aspects of nature andmakingaconcertedeffort tonoticesmallmiracleshappeningaroundyou.Youcandevelopameditationpracticeaswell,whichhastheeffectofloweringyourstressresponseandgivingyouaccesstohappychemicalsthatinduceasenseofcalmandpeacewithinyou.Yourmeditationpracticedoesnotneedtoinvolvesittinginlotuspositionand

chanting“ohm”forhoursonend.Therearemanydifferenttechniquesyoucantry out, including mindfulness meditation, yoga, tai chi, progressive musclerelaxation,guidedmeditation,mantrameditation,mindfulwalks innature,andsoforth.Thekeyistocreateasacred,quietplacetosit,walk,orliedownwhereyoucanbecomfortable(butnotsleep),findafocustoconcentrateon—likeanimage, word, prayer, phrase, object of beauty and awe (like nature), ormovement—assumeanonjudgmentalattitude,andletyourdaily thoughtsfloataway.

BottomLineforSpirituality

•Joinachurch,synagogue,Buddhisttemple,oranothertypeofreligiousorspiritualcommunitythatyouresonatewith.

•Createadailyritualofprayerandgratitudewhenstartingyourday,eatingyoureveningmeal,and/orgoingtobed.

•Takefivetotwentyminutesadaytocloseyoureyesandtakedeepbreathsasyoucontemplateanexperienceofawe.

•Keepamiraclejournal,whereyoukeepadailylogofthethingsyoufeelgratefulforinyourlifeandthelittlemiraclesthatyouwitness.

•Developameditationpractice(youwillgettipsaboutthisthroughoutthebook).

•Spendmoretimeinnature.

ChooseNatureoverScreen-TimeAsasociety,wehavebecomeaddictedto thescreen.Perusingtheinformationhighway on the smartphone or computer has displaced exercise, meaningfulsocial interaction, healthy eating, and getting appropriate amounts of sleep.Researchers have found that there is a strong connection between screen timeandhigherratesofdepression,anxiety,poorperformance,andlackofempathy.8Whatthistranslatestoismorestress,lesspatience,andmeanerpeople.

Ifyouwant tostayasoneof thestatistics,gorightaheadandbemiserable.Butifyouwanttofindbliss,youmaywanttogetoffyourscreenandgetbackinto nature. In fact, science is showing us now that nature does reduce stresshormonesandimproveimmunity.9Twentyminutesisallyouneed,butthemore,thebetter.Workinthegarden,

walkinapark,visittheocean,orrestwhilelyingonthegroundafterapicnic.Takeyourpick.Thekeyistospendtimebeinginnature,feelingnature,seeingnature,eatingnature,andyes, smellingnature. Ifyoudo,youwill feelcalmerandlessangry.Italsocountsasaspiritualactivity,soIencourageyoutomarkyournatureexperiencesinyourdailylogofactivities/mood.Inessence,youwanttoimmerseyourselfandallyoursensesintheexperience

of nature. Smell, sense, taste, listen, look, and enjoy thewonders aroundyou.Aside from turning your mind off of your daily stresses, you will also getexposedtonature’shealingchemicalscalledphytoncides—chemicalsthatgettoyour brain throughyour nose that stimulate or relax your brain andmay evenbenefit your immune system as they lower your stress response.10 In short,immersingyourselfinnaturehelpsyourbrainshiftintoapositivementalstate,turnoffthestressresponse,andfeelmoreconnectedspiritually.

BottomLineforNature

•Takeatwenty-minutewalkinnature.•Exerciseoutdoors.•Gardenindoorsorout.•Putaplantinyourofficeandconsiderhavingphotosofnatureaswell.•Takeafewminutesoutofyourhecticdaytocloseyoureyesandimagineyourselfluxuriatingsomewhereinnature.

•Spendthedayatthebeach.•Getawayforaweekendorweektonature,beitonyourownoronawellnessretreat.

In your Activity/Mood Log, jot down such activities as being out in nature,meditation, or being on the screen, and note how your mood is affected,positivelyornegatively.Youmaychoosetoexerciseoutdoors,whichwillhaveadoublepositiveeffectonyourhealthandmood.Seeifitdoes!

Exercise4.5:Activity/MoodLog

Activity/MoodLog

GettingYourZzzz’s:SleepLackofsleephasnegativeconsequencesonalmosteveryaspectofyourhealthandyour life. Itwreakshavoconyour immunesystem,hormones,muscleandbonemass,brain function,heart, andweight.Didyouknow that studies showthat people who sleep less than six hours a day have a much higher risk ofbecomingobesethanthosewhosleepseventoninehours?11Thismaynotseemrelevant toyou,butnotbeingable to loseweight is abig reasonmanyofmypatientsgetupset.Ifyouarelikethesepatients,yougetfrustratedwhenthescaledoesn’tchangeorgoesup.Yougetmadatyourbodyandyourselfandareshort-temperedwithpeoplewhoareclosetoyou.Youfeelworseaboutyourselfandstuff your face because your lack of sleep is causing your food cravings toskyrocket.Gettingmorethansevenandahalfhoursofsleepcanstopthatcycle,evenif

youdon’tgetthatsleepallatoncebutthroughtheaccumulationofanaportwoduring the day. The question is,why aren’t you getting adequate sleep?Doesyourpartnersnore?Doyousnore?Ifyoudosnoreloudlyandsometimeswake

yourself upwith a snort, youmayhave sleep apnea,which occurswhen yourairwaysgetblockedwhileyousleep.Thiscanbeaseriouscondition,socheckwithyourdoctor,whocanprovideyouwitharemedy.It’sworthit.Trustme.What could other reasons be? Do you have a hard time falling or staying

asleep? How much caffeine are you drinking? Are you inputting too muchstimulusatnightwithelectronics,work,ortelevision?Doyouhaveahardtimewindingdown?Youdonothavetoliveyourlifesleepdeprivedandangry,soitbehoovesyou

toassessyour sleep, alongwithyourmood, and tomatch it upwith theotherlogs.Youmay note thatwhen you eat better, exercise, and connectwith yourspirituality,yousleepbetter.Intheremarkssection,writeinnotesthatmayhaveaffectedyoursleeporsymptomsyoumayhaveexperienced thatdid.Youcan,for instance,write about food cravings, if you feltmore stressed, had pain orotherphysicalcomplaintswhentryingtosleep,andsoforth.

Exercise4.6:SleepAssessmentLog

SleepAssessmentLog

BottomLineforSleep

•Trymeditationpriortosleeporotherrelaxationtechniqueslikeprogressivemusclerelaxation:startingwiththesolesofyourfeetandmovingthroughtoyourhead,tenseeachmusclegroupforfivesecondsandthenallowthosemuscletorelaxforthirtyseconds.

•Donotbringelectronicstothebedroom,especiallyworkoranythingthatactsasastimulustoyourbrain.

•Useyourbedonlyforsleeporsex.•Keepthebedroomatmospherequiet,dark,andatacomfortabletemperature.

•Avoidfluidsafter8:00p.m.sothatyouarenotawakenedtogotothebathroom.

•Avoidlargeorheavymealspriortobedtime.•Avoidfoodsanddrinkscontainingcaffeine,sugar,oralcohol.•Considertakingsupplementslikemagnesiumtonaturallypromoterelaxation.

•Exerciseregularlyduringtheearlierhoursofthedayasthiswillalsohelpregulatecortisolandotherhormonelevels,whichwillhelpyousleepbetter.

•Assessyourbedasitmaybethatyourbedisuncomfortableforyourbodyandpreventingyoufrombeingabletofullyrelax.

•Kickyourpartneroutoftheroomuntilheorshetakescareoftheirsnoringproblem.

•Ifyoucontinuetofeeltiredwhenyouawakeninthemorningdespitegettingmorethansevenoreighthoursofsleep,considerseeingyourdoctorforasleepstudytomakesureyoudonothavesomeunderlyingconditionlikesleepapneathatcanbetakencareof.

Asyouworkonbuildingyourinfrastructure,youwilllikelynoticethatyoufeellighter,happier,morerested,morefulfilled,andultimately,lessangry.

T

Chapter5

MeltYourMoodwithMeditation

“Thebestfighterisneverangry.”—LaoTzu

hough you may still be holding on to the belief that stress is “bad,” Iencourageyoutorememberthatstressisapowerfulforcethatcanmotivate

you into action and empower you. Stress is therefore not inherently bad, butratherisanenergythatneedstobeusedforpositiveaction.Whatisusuallybadis not the stress itself but the action or reaction that stems from it.As I haveexplained,thereactionoccursasaresultofanintenseemotionaltrigger.Thekeyis to learn how to detach yourself from the intense emotion, like a peacefulwarrior,sothatyoucanusetheenergyofstresstomotivateyoutolookdeeperintoaproblem,findsolutions,communicateeffectively,becomemorecreative,andinventnewideas.Howcanyou transformyourself intoapeacefulwarriorwhenyour instincts

pushyoutobearavinglunatic?Youlearnhowtogetcenteredsothatwhenyouaretriggeredorfacedwitha

stressfulsituation,youcanmaintainyourcool.Learningtogetcenteredusuallymeansdevelopingsomesortofmeditationpractice,onewhereyoutrainyourselftoemptyyourmindoftheramblingnegativethoughts,cueyourbody’smusclesto relax, deepen your breaths, and detach from your emotions and lifecircumstances.

MoreonMeditationFormanyofyou, the ideaofmeditatingmaysound foreignandhard.Perhapsyoubelievemeditationinvolvessittinginlotuspositionandchanting“ohm”forhoursonend.Thoughdoingsowillenableyoutoachieveameditativestateovertime,youdon’thave tochantor sit likeapretzel tomeditate.Therearemany

waystomeditate,andevenbetter,thereisnorightorwronginwhatyouchoosetodo.Thereissimplyyoudoingitortryingto,whichisbetterthanscreamingatsomeoneelseoreatingapintoficecream.Whenyoumeditate,yourbodyshiftsintoaphysiologicalresponse,whichis

themirroroppositetothestressresponse.In1971,Dr.HerbertBensonstudiedthe physiological changeswhen his study participants practiced transcendentalmeditation and coined the physiological changes that occurred during theirpractice as the “relaxation response.” He later discovered that the relaxationresponse occurred during a variety of forms ofmeditation, including (but notlimitedto)yoga,prayer,mindfulnessmeditation,progressivemusclerelaxation,andself-hypnosis.Thecommondenominator,he found,was that this responsereflected a state of deep rest brought about by focused attention on a simplemental stimulus suchasaword,phrase,or image, forexample, “Inpeace,outtension,”“Ohm,”oraprayer,like“TheLordismyshepherd…”Dr.Benson’sresearch,alongwithmanyotherstudiesperformedoverthepast

fifty years all over the world, has shown that elicitation of the relaxationresponse can lower heart rate, blood pressure,metabolic rate, respiratory rate,and muscle tension.12 It can improve sleep, lower the need for medications,reduce pain, lower levels of anxiety and depression, and reduce symptomsassociatedwithpremenstrualsyndrome.13Thelistisendless.What is really interesting tome is how the response affects the brain.EEG

studies, for instance, show that people who practice the relaxation responseexhibitaslowsynchronizationofalphaandthetabrainwaves.Alphawavesarerelatedwithastateofrelaxedwakefulnessandallowyoutobecreativeandopenandunderstandnewconcepts.Whenyoumeditate,alphawavesynchronizationoccurs,whichmeansyourability tobecreative, thinkclearly,and take innewideasimproves.14Theoppositeoccurswithemotional tension:alphawavesareblocked.Thetaactivityisusuallyassociatedwithprocessesthatlinkyourhigherbrain centers together, like the cortex and hypothalamus, enabling maturethinking and emotional processing, deep insights, and alignment with yourintuition.Thetawavesarealsoblockedwhenunderduress.Thepointhereisthatthecalmerandquieteryourmindandbodyare,themore

accessyouhavetoyourintelligenceandintuition.Inthisstate,youmakebetterchoices, find better words to express yourself, and are more creative aboutfindingsuitablesolutions.Evenmoreso,inthisstate,youcarewithoutcaring.Inotherwords,youloseyouremotionalattachmenttoanygivensituationandareabletoobserveitwithdetachedopennessandcompassioninstead.Youcanseeforyourselfhowstressandrelaxationaffectyourabilitytothink

clearlybydoingthefollowingexercise.

Exercise5.1:AssessmentofTensionThinkaboutapersonorasituationthatyouareangryorupsetabout.Reallyletthe tension rise up in your body and into your brain. Let yourself get upset.Thinkaboutthepersonorsituation,askyourselfthesequestions,andwritedownyouranswers.Trynot to think toomuchaboutyouranswersand insteadwritefreelywithoutholdingback.Letthewordsflowonpaper.

WhatdoIwanttodotothispersonorsituation?

DoIfeellikethereisasolution?

DoIfeelinoroutofcontrolofthesituation?

IfIweretopickupthephoneandcallthispersonorevenrunintohimorherrightnow,howwouldIreact?

WhatamIdoingwithmybreaths?

Howdoesmybodyfeel?AmItense?WhereamIholdingthistension?

As you examine your thoughts, reactions, breath, and your body’s state oftension, takenoteofhow incontroloroutof controlyoumight feel.Didyounoticethatyouheldyourbreathortookveryshallowbreaths?Bothfeelingoutof control and not really breathing send messages to your brain that you areunderthreat,causingyourstressresponsetofire.Tobringthispointhome,I’dlikeyoutodothenextexercisethatwillshow

youhowyourphysical tension affectsyourmental state andhowyourmentaltensionaffectsyourphysicalstate.

Exercise5.2:PhysicalTensionCreatesMentalTensionContinuetothinkaboutapersonorasituationthatyouareangryorupsetabout.Asyoudoso,makeafistandpunchtheairasifyouarepunchingsomeone.

•Keepingonefistclenchedandyourfocusonyouranger,clenchtheotherfistandbringbothfistsclosetoyouasifyouarereadytopunchsomeone.

•Nowtryandthinkofasolution.•Takenoteofwhatcomestomindandhowtenseyourbodyfeels.

Areyouabletothinkclearly?Describeyourexperience.

Youmaynotethatafteryoupunchtheair(orsomeone),youdofeelbetter,butitis probably better to feel a release and less tense without inflicting harm onsomeoneelse.Youcanshiftoutoftensionquiteeasily,usingyourbreath.

Exercise5.3:ShiftingoutofTensionwithPowerBreathsResume your focus on being angry and continue to tighten your fists. Nowredirectyourattentionaway from thesubjectofyourangerand focusonyourbreath.

•Breatheinslowlyandcount1-2-3-4.•Thenexhaleslowly,lettingalltheairoutofyourlungs,counting1-2-3-4-5.•Doitagain.Breatheinonthecountoffourandbreatheoutonthecountoffive.

•Onthethirdbreath,imaginethatallthethoughtsinyourheadfloatawaydownariver,intothewind,oruptothestars.

•Breathein,counttofour.•Breatheout,counttofive,lettingallyourthoughtsandtensionflowoutofyourmindandbodydowntheriver,intothewind,oruptothestars.

•Breathein,counttofour.•Breatheout,counttofive,lettingallyourthoughtsandtensionflowout.•Breathein,counttofour,andbreatheinpeaceandlove.•Breatheout,counttofive,andemptyyourmindandrelaxyourbody.•Breathein,counttofour,andbreatheinpeaceandlove.•Breatheout,counttofive,andemptyyourmindandrelaxyourbody.

Takeafewminutesnowtonotehowyoufeel,bothinyourbodyandaboutthesituation. Do you feel differently? Do you care as much? Is there a possiblesolution?Writefreelyasthoughtsandrealizationsarise.

Youcanpractice this cycleofbreathing for as longasyouwish,payingcloseattention to howmuchmore relaxed and at ease you feel over time. Just likeholdingyourbreath triggers thestressresponse tofire,deciding to takedeeperandlongerbreathswillsendmessagestoyourbraintoslowdownandrelax.As

you slow down and relax, you gain access to your higher brain centers andpositivethinkingcapacity,whichultimatelyhelpsyouregaincontroloveryouremotionsandactions.ThisiswhyIcallthistimeofbreathing“powerbreaths.”Theyarebreathsthatgiveyouyourpowerbackandsomesemblanceofcontrol,evenwhendistressed,asyouwillnoteinthenextexercise.

Exercise5.4:RefocusingonTensionWhileBreathingWhen you are ready, think about the person or situation again. This time,however,maintainyourpowerbreaths,slowlycountingtofourasyoubreatheinandcountingtofiveasyoubreatheout.Askyourselfthesamequestions:

•WhatdoIwanttodotothispersonorsituation?•DoIfeellikethereisasolution?•DoIfeelinoroutofcontrolofthesituation?•IfIweretopickupthephoneandcallthispersonorevenrunintohimorherrightnow,howwouldIreact?

Writedownyourthoughtsandobservations.

If you practice this breath cycle for ten to twenty minutes, you will achievegreaterpeaceofmind.Ifyouweretopracticethismeditationfortentotwentyminutes every day, your entire body and mind would start becoming more

resistanttostress,allowingyoutomaintainyourcalmmoreoftenandastrongersense control over your emotions and reactions. Using your breath or otherforms ofmeditation techniques helps you transcend your negativity, quiet themind chatter, shift into amore positive physiological response, and ultimatelyrespondbetter,evenunderduress.The key is quieting that inner negative voice—the one that is holding onto

stories fromyourpastofbeingavictim; theonewho feelsoutof control andinvisible; the onewho keeps forgetting that you are actually strong, valuable,andloved.

HowtoMaketheShiftYouhavealreadypracticedabreathexercisethathelpsquietthemindandrelaxthebody.For themostpart,meditationcanbe that simple.The first step is tomake a choice to redirect your focus away from your negative thinking tosomething else—your breath, a word, phrase, prayer, sound, object, ormovement.Byconcentratingonaparticularfocuswithoutjudgment,repeatedly,overaperiodoftime,thechatterinyourmindcandissipate,enablingthestressresponse to relax, along with the muscles in your body. There are manytechniquesavailabletoyoutopracticewith,butIfindthatusingabreathfocus,progressivemusclerelaxation,orguidedimageryistheeasiesttostartwith.

ProgressiveMuscleRelaxationA very effective way to reduce tension is actually by creating tension first,believeitornot.Thetechniqueofprogressivemusclerelaxation(PMR)involvesfirst tensing a particular muscle group, like the forehead or neck, for severalsecondsandthenallowingthosesamemusclestorelaxforaboutthirtysecondsafter,noticinghowyourmusclesfeelasyourelax.Youcanstartwiththemusclegroupsonthetopoftheheadandmovetothesolesofthefeetorstartfromyourfeetandmovetoyourhead.PMR is a wonderful way to reduce stress and anxiety, especially if you

practice it often. It helps you become more familiar with what the variousmuscles of your body feel like tense versus relaxed.Asyoudevelop a keenersenseof awareness,youcan thencue this relaxed state tohappen themomentyoustartfeelingtense.Ialsoliketothinkthatthetensingandrelaxingofyourmusclesismirroringtheprocessofbeingstressedandlettinggo.Thismeansthe

more you practice, the easier it will be for you to let go of your tension andthereforeyourstress.

Exercise5.5:PracticingPMRTopracticePMR, I recommend finding aquiet place to sit,whereyoucanbecomfortablewithout fallingasleep.Though this is agreat exercise todowhenyouare inbed andunable to fall asleep, yourgoal is really tobe able to stayrelaxed,notasleep,despitebeingtense,sothatyoucanusethistechniqueduringtimesofstress.Whenyouareready,closeyoureyesanddofivepowerbreaths.Then…

•Focusonyourrightfootandtense/squeezeonlythemusclerelatedtotherightfoot(curlingyourtoesunder)astightasyoucansothatitisuncomfortabletoyoubutnotpainfulforaboutfiveseconds.

•Nowletallthosemusclesrelaxasallthetensionflowsoutofthemusclesintotheearth.Noticethetensionleavingthemusclesofyourrightfootasyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths(itshouldtakeaboutfifteentothirtyseconds).

•Moveontoyourrightlowerlegandfoot,squeezingthecalfmusclesastightasyoucanbybringingthetoestowardyouforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourrightlowerlegandfoot,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourentirerightleg,squeezingthethighmuscles,thecalf,andthetoesastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourentirerightleg,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Dotheexactsameprocesswithyourleftfoot,lowerleftleg,andentireleftleg.

•Moveontoyourrighthand,squeezingthemusclesasyoumakeafistastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourhand,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourentirerightarm,squeezingthemusclesastightasyoucanasyoutightenyourbicepsbydrawingyourforearmuptowardyourshoulderandmakingamusclewhileclenchingyourfistforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourentirerightarm,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Dotheexactsameprocesswithyourlefthandandentireleftarm.•Moveontoyourbuttocks,squeezingthemusclesofyourbuttocksastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourbuttocks,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourabdomen,squeezingthemusclesofyourabdomenbysuckinginyourstomachastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourabdomen,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourchest,squeezingthemusclesofyourchestbytakinginadeepbreathandholdingitforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourchest,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourneckandshoulders,squeezingthemusclesofyourneckandshouldersbyraisingyourshouldersuptoyourearsandholdingthemthereastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourneckandshoulders,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourmouth,squeezingthemusclesofyourmouthbysmilingasbigasyoucan,tensingyourjawmusclesastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourmouth,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyoureyes,squeezingthemusclesofyoureyesbysqueezingyoureyesshutastightasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyoureyes,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

•Moveontoyourforehead,squeezingthemusclesofyourforeheadbyraisingyoureyebrowshighasyoucanforaboutfiveseconds.

•Relaxthemusclesofyourforehead,noticingthetensionreleasingandflowingintotheearth,asyoutaketwo,three,ormorepowerbreaths.

IfyoutakefifteenminutestopracticePMRonaregularbasis,itcountsasyourmeditationpractice for theday,whichmeansyouroverall stress levelswillbereduced.AsImentioned,themoreyoupractice,thebetteryougettoknowyourbodyandhowthemusclestenseorrelaxindifferentstates.Thenwhenyoufeel

stressed, you can cue your muscles to relax, which will have the effect ofdissolvingyourstress.

GuidedImageryAnother extremely effective form of meditation for managing stress involvesguided imagery,whereyouuseyour imagination topictureaplace,person,ortimethatmakesyoufeelpeaceful,relaxed,andhappy.Thegoalofthistypeofpracticeistohelpyoucultivatetheabilitytoberelaxedandateasethroughtheengagement of all of your senses as well as your imagination. When youimagine, for example, being on a white sandy beach, feeling the sun shiningdown on your skin as you inhale the refreshing sea air into your lungs, yourthoughts shift away from everyday chatter and your body relaxes. The moresenses you engagewhile imagining such a positive experience, themore yourmind will believe you are actually there, taking you further away from yournegativeemotions,thoughts,andstress.You can use your imagination to picture a beautiful and happy scene or to

workthroughnegativeemotionssuchasangerthroughtheuseofmentalimages.Forinstance,youcanvisualizeyourangerasasymbolorobjectandimagineitdissolving into dust. I often use golden light that shines down from the sunabove(orheavens)thatdissolveshurtsintodustandfillsupmyheart,mind,andbodywithloveandpeaceinstead.LikePMR,themoreyouregularlypracticeguidedimagery,especiallyforten

minutesormore,thebetterableyouaretocueyourselfwiththesameimagerytocreaterelaxationandpeaceduringstressfultimes.Itisbesttopracticeinaquietsetting, where you are comfortable and not easily disturbed. Put your phoneawayandputaDONOTDISTURBsignonyourdoorifyouhaveto.Youmaychooseyouroffice,bedroom,parkedcar,bathtub,orcreateameditationareainyourhome.Themoreyourehearsewhenyouarenotstressed,theeasieritwillbetousethisimagerywhenyouareinabadmoodortriggered.

Exercise5.6:HappyPlaceVisualization•Closeyoureyes.•Takenoteofhowyoufeel.Youmayrateyournegativeemotionalintensityatthetimefromzerototen(tenbeingveryupset,angry,sad,andsoforth,andzerobeingyoufeelnonegativeemotions).Takenoteofhowyourbody

feelsaswell.•Dofiveorsixpowerbreaths,decidingtoletgoofyouremotionsandthoughtseverytimeyouexhale.

•Bringyourthoughtsandimaginationtosomethingpositive.Forexample,imagineyourselfinyourfavoriteplaceinnature—perhapsrelaxingonabeach,walkingthroughaforest,hikingonamountain,lyinginahammock,workinginyourgarden,watchingthesunsetfromaboat—orinaplacewhereyouarealwayshappyandrelaxed.

•Takenoteofallthedetails:Whatareyoufeeling?Howareyoufeeling?Whatareyouwearing?Whoareyouwith?Howdoestheairfeelonyourskin?Whatcolorsdoyounotice—thebluenessofthewater,colorsoftheskyinasunrise,therosycheeksofsomeoneyoulove?Whatsoundsdoyouhear—wavescrashingagainsttheshore,birdssinging,orleavesmovinginthebreeze?Doyoutasteorsmellanything—saltonyourlips,chocolateorthearomaofwoodburninginafireplace?Themoredetailsyoucanfindandthemoresensesyouevoke,thebetter,asthismemoryengagesyourconcentrationinadirectionthatisoppositetoyournegativethinkingandanger.

•Whereveryoufindyourself,imagineyourselffeelinghappyandatpeaceandsmiling.Trytostaywiththisimagery,exploringallofyoursensesforatleastfivetotenminutes.

•Takenoteofhowyoufeelnow,ratingyournegativeemotionalintensityfromzerototen.

•Ifyoufeelsufficientlyrelaxedandwhenyouareready,doanotherfiveorsixpowerbreaths.

•Remindyourselfthatyoucangotothiswonderfulplaceanytime.Itisyourstogoto.

•Nowopenyoureyes.

AsImentioned,whenyouquietthemind,relaxthebodyandbreathedeeplyforan extended period of time, you meditate. When you add in visual imageryintended to not only create calm but also address the stress and underlyingnegativebeliefs,youcanhealonadeeperlevelaswell.Youcanuseimagerytoexploreyournegative emotions andwhere theyoriginate fromand to imaginenew situations that dissolve the negative feelings. In addition, when youcombinepeacefulandlovingvisualimagerywithphysicalexercises,likePMR,youcantrainyourmindandbodytoassociatecertainpeacefulimageswiththerelaxationofthemuscles.Again,themoreyoupracticethistechnique,themoreyourbodylearnshowtobecuedtoletgoandrelax.

Exercise5.7:AMeditationComboWhetheryouchoosetodothismeditationinthemomentforafewminuteswhenyou are upset or as part of your meditation practice, you will benefit, as itcombinesPMRwithimageryinawaythatcanhelpyoudissolveyourstressandfindbliss.

•Closeyoureyes.•Takenoteofhowyoufeelandrateyournegativeemotionalintensitylevel.•Dofiveorsixpowerbreaths.•Imaginethesunisshiningdownuponyou,goldenraysofhealinglightfullofloveandwisdom.

•Tenseyourforehead,squeezingthemusclesofyourforeheadbyraisingyoureyebrowsashighasyoucan,thenholdyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownonthetopofyourheadandnowmovingdownyourforehead,causingthemusclesofyourforeheadtorelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Tenseyourmouth,squeezingthejawmuscles,smilingaswideasyoucan,thenholdyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownthroughthemusclesofyourfaceastheyrelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Tenseyourneckandshoulders,squeezingtheshoulderuptoyourears,thenholdyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownthroughthemusclesofyourneckandshouldersastheyrelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Tenseyourchestandabdomen,squeezingthemusclesofyourabdomenandholdingyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownthroughthemusclesofyourchestandabdomenastheyrelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Tenseyourbuttocks,squeezingthebuttocksmuscles,andholdyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownthroughthemusclesofyourbuttocksastheyrelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Tensebothyourarmsandhands,makingfistsasyouflexyourmuscles,thenholdyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownthroughthe

musclesofbothyourarmsandhandsastheyrelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Tensebothyourlegsandfeet,squeezingyourthighsandcurlingyourtoesunder,andholdyourbreathforaboutfiveseconds.

•Exhaleslowlyasyouimaginethegoldenlightshiningdownthroughthemusclesofbothyourlegsandfeetastheyrelaxandreleaseallthetension.

•Youarefilledwithandsurroundedbygoldenlight.•Takeanotherfiveormorepowerbreaths.•Takenoteofhowyoufeel.

Keepinmindthereisnorightwaytomeditate.Thereisonlytherightwayforyouthatgetsyourelaxedandfeelingatpeace.Themoreyoupractice,thebetteryou get. Do not judge yourself or worry if yourmind chatters while you aretrying to focus.Simplynotice thatyourmind is active, imagineyour thoughtsfloating away, and bring your mind back to your focus. Practice, practice,practice.Tryyoga, taichi, transcendentalmeditation,Buddhistmeditation,andso forth.You never know, you could become your ownZenmaster someday!Tune in to the next chapter where you will learn more about mindfulnessmeditation.

A

Chapter6

MindfulnesstoCalmYourMadness

“Mindfulnessisaboutloveandlovinglife.Whenyoucultivatethislove,itgivesyouclarityandcompassionforlife,andyouractionshappeninaccordancewiththat.”

—JonKabat-Zinn

slongasyoulookoutsideofyourselftobehappy,youwillinvariablyfindyourself being unhappy because youwill always feel like an emptywell

needing to be filled. The emptier you feel, the easier you will be to trigger,resultinginnegativebehaviors,actions,andthoughts,causingyoutofeelworse.Thekeytoyourhappinessdoesnotlieoutsideofyourself,therefore,butwithin.Thus far, I have been guiding you to become aware of how you feel, your

body’s sensations, and the intensityofyouremotionsand thoughts.Whenyouare able to witness such observations of yourself without judgment—understanding that there exists no right or wrong and that you are simplywitnessing you, as if you are watching a movie of you—you will be abletranscend the emotions, the past, and the stress to find you can exist in thepresentmoment,whichisfullofbliss.Nothingisgoodorbad,rightorwrong.Such witnessing has its roots in the Buddhist meditation practice calledmindfulness, a widespread secular practice today, that involves being in amoment-by-moment awareness of your thoughts, sensations, and feelings, aswell as of the surrounding environment. Open observation or witnessingultimately allows for better recognition of pervasive underlying beliefs andemotionsaswellaspatternsthatarecreatinganimbalance.Thepracticeofmindfulnesshasmanybenefits—physical,psychological,and

social. Studies have shown that the practice of mindfulness meditationinvigoratestheimmunesystem,improvespositiveemotions,reducestheeffectsofstress,andalleviatesdepression.15Mindfulnesshasbeenshowntohelptuneout distraction and improvememory and focus.16 Jon Kabat-Zinn created the

mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) program at the University ofMassachusettsMedicalSchool,amodelnowusedglobally,includinginschools,prisons, and hospitals.17 In short, practicing mindfulness can improve yourphysical, psychological, andmentalhealth and is aperfect technique touse tomanageangersothatitdoesn’tmanageyou.

Exercise6.1:MindfulnessversusAngerLet’stakeascenarioandplayitoutintwodifferentways.Markdownhowtrueorhowfalseeachscenariomaybeasitappliestoyou.You’ve had a long day atwork, and you are exhausted and hungry.You’re

gettinghomeanhour latebecause therewas an accidenton thehighway.Youwalkintoyourhomeandseethatit’samess.Nooneinyourfamilyhasbotheredtodotheirchores.Youcanfeelyourangerstartingtoboilupandyou…

A.Breakdownandstartscreamingatyourfamilytocleanuptheirmess.You ream into your spouse for not havingyour back and supportingyouwiththecareanddisciplineofthechildrenandhome.Yougotoyourroom,slamthedoor,andthrowyourselfonthebed.

B. Take a deepbreath andbegin to observe the emotion rising in yourbody,yourheartratespeedingup,aswellasyourbreathingrate.Younoticeyourjawisclenched,asareyourfists.Younoticethatyourfacefeels red. You take another deep breath. And then another and thenanother, for tenfullbreaths,all thewhileobserving thesensations inyour body aswell as your thoughts.You continue taking slow deepbreaths,andasyouexhale,youreleasethethoughtsandthephysicalsensations outwith your breath.Watch them float away.You let go.Now,youcommunicate.

Thoughitmayseemthatthelatterexampletakesalotofeffort,therealityisthatit takesmoreefforttoexplode.It ismoreprobablethatyouwillfeelspentandexhaustedafteraboutofragethanafteranopportunitytobreatheandletgo.The

magicwordshereare“letgo.”Whenyouletgo,theangernolongerhasaholdon you. When you let go, you become unattached to your situation, youremotions, and your negative stories, and the result is that you feel lighter andfreer.

UnAttachingwithoutJudgmentAnytimeyougetstressed,orrather,distressed,youbecomecaughtupinastoryofnegativity.Youholdontothatstorytightly,likeadogwithabone,unabletoletgo.When practicing mindfulness, you calmly accept everything—feelings,

thoughts,beliefs,sensations,andsituations—withoutjudgment,evenifnegative.You allow yourself to be in the now, the present moment, simply witnessingeverything, as if you are watching a movie without being attached to theoutcome.Youarenotattachedtowhathappenedyesterdayorwhatwillhappennext.You are not attached to anything because you are curious aboutwhat ishappening in the present moment. And when you do so, when you allowyourselftobeinthepresentmoment,nonjudgmentally,youfreeyouremotionsfromtakingholdofyou.Normally,youthinkaboutwhatyoushouldhaveorcouldhavedoneorwhat

you candoor not do.Your emotions takeyouback to a past that is over andoftenno longer relevant,andyouranxietiesorassumptionscauseyou to jumpforwardtoworryingaboutafuturethathasyettohappen.Everytimeyoulikeordislike, love or hate something, someone, or some situation, you judge.Everytime you judge, you get trapped in the past or in expectations of the futurebecauseyourjudgmentisbasedonhowtheworldorcircumstanceshavemadeor will make you feel. And with this judgment comes a heightened negativeemotion.With aheightenednegative emotion comes the stress response.Eventhe simpleuseofanegativelychargedwordcan stimulate the stress response,negativeemotions,andcorrespondingnegativebeliefsandactions.

Exercise6.2:AwarenessofSensationsThatOccurwithWordsTakenoteof thesensationsandfeelingsoremotions thatriseupforyouwhenyou repeat these statements to yourself. Using adjectives or sentences, bestdescribeyourexperience.

A.Ihateitwhenpeoplearelate.

B.Idon’tlikewaitinginlines.

C. I enjoybeingcurious, and Iobservehow I feelwhen I amwaiting forpeople.

D.ThebreezefeelscoolonmyskinasIwaithereinline.

Asyoucansee,AandBelicitnegativeemotionalresponses,whereasCandDdonot.Youmost likelyobservedyour stress responseactivating inyourbodywith the mere thought of having to wait in line. Did you feel the anxiety orfrustration rise through your body when you stated A or B? Did you noticefeeling differentlywhen stating eitherC orD?These latter cases involve youobservingthesituationwithopennesswhilebeinginthepresentmoment.Thereisnoattachmentandnoentrapment in judgmental thinking.Thesituation isn’t

different,buthowyouchoosetoobserveorengageinthesituationis.

UnAttachingversusDetachingItisimportanttonotethatyouareunattaching,notnecessarilydetaching.Whenyou shift your focus into the presentmoment, you loosenyour grip ongivingyourthoughtsandemotionssomuchpoweroveryouandhowyouseeordefineyourself in theworld.Whenyoufocus,youdosowithnonjudgmentandlove,essentiallylettingyourselfbeintheworldasyouare,withoutfeelingbadaboutyouoranyoneelse.In contrast, detaching involves distancing yourself or creating a wall that

separates you from something or someone without necessarily changing badfeelings, ultimately creating a big gap of separation that prevents you fromexperiencing true joy and bliss, communicating well, and forging intimaterelationships.Unattachingentailsobservingyouremotionsor thoughtswithoutgivingthemanypower,asifyouwereobservingthecolorsinthesky,thearomaof flowers, or the sound coming from the birds singing in the trees. Withunattachment,youarenotseparatefromanythingoranyone,butrather,partofalargerwhole.Mindfulnessmeditationwillhelpyoufeelunattached,calmer,andcaughtup

withthedramainyourheadoryourlife.Yourrelationshipscanimprove,ascanyour physical and psychological health. The first step is tomake the decisionthatyouwanttobefreeoftheseattachments.

SettingYourselfFreeIfyoustartpayingattention,youwillnoticethatyouareprettyattachedtoyourthoughtsandoldstories.Ifandwhensomethinghappenstoyouthatupsetsyou,howmanytimesandtohowmanypeopledoyourepeatthestory?Howfixateddoyoubecomeonthestory,theperson,orthesituation?Howlongdoesittakeforyoutoletgo?Bydeciding to focuson thepresentmoment,youchoose todisengage from

youroldhabitsofthinkingthatreallydonotserveyou.Themoreyouunattachfrom these old paradigms and instead focus on being in the now—on yourthoughtsoremotionsastheycomeandgo,inastatewhereyouarecompletelytrue to yourself and your true nature—the more peaceful and liberated youbecome.Withpractice,youcangettothepointthatyouareabletoliveyourlife

mindfullyallofthetime.Thefirststep:practicinglettinggo.

Exercise6.3:ASimplePracticeofLettingGo•Closeyoureyes.•Dothreeorfourpowerbreaths.Justfocusonthebreathasitmovesintoyourlungs,fillsthem,andthenflowsoutofyourlungssotheydeflate.

•Openyoureyes.•Lookaroundyou.Noticetheobjectsaroundyou.Whatareyounoticingthatyoudidn’tnoticebefore?Ordidyouknoweverythingwastherewhenyoufirstclosedyoureyes?Gazeandobserveeverythingaroundyou.

•Closeyoureyesagain.•Gobacktofocusingonbreathing,butdonotdopowerbreaths.Justbreatheregularly.Sitquietlywithouttryingtojudge,change,ormakeanythinghappen.Noneedtodoanythingatallbutsitquietlyandletyourselfsimplybeaware.Ifthoughtscomethrough,beawareofthem,butdonotfocusonthem.Samewithfeelings,ideas,orstories.Noticethempoppingintoyourmindwithoutfocusingonthem,allowingyourselftosimplybeawareofanythingandeverything.Youmaynoticesoundsaroundyou,abreezeonyourskin,orhowyourbodyfeelswhereitissitting.Youarenotfocusingonanyofit,justnoticing.Youareallowingyourselftorestinthissilence,beingpresentandaware.Observeandrelaxforaslongasyoucan.

Howdidthatexercisefeelforyou?Writeaboutyourexperience.

Many people find it challenging to shut down thoughts or stories whenmeditatingandtryingtobesilent.Inthisexercise,youarenotmeanttobetryingtodoanything, leastof all shuttinganythingdown. Instead,youare acceptingthe thoughts, feelings,oremotionsas theyoccurandwatchingthemcomeandgo.I do recommend sitting in silence like this for at least five minutes a day,

perhaps prior to starting your day and at the end of your day.The longer, thebetter,as themoreyoupractice thissimplemindfulness technique, themoreatpeace you will become in general, meaning that the level, frequency, andduration of distress you experience daily will diminish. The best part aboutmindfulnessisthatyoucandoitanywhereandinanysituation.Youcantakeamindfulshower—noticingthesmellsofthesoap,thefeelingofthewater,orthesoundof thewater as it dropsdown.Youcan eatmindfully—appreciating thesmells,tastes,andsensations.Youcanbeinlifemindfully,especiallywhenyouarestressed,usingyourskillstounattachandfindyourcalm.

UsingaMindfulPAWSIf you haven’t figured it all already, all the tools I have given you thus farincorporatesomeaspectofmindfulness,whetheritisusingthefour-stepprocesstoassessyourdistressofvalidating,witnessing,labeling,andnoticing;usingtheTMI as you assess your triggers, mood, and infrastructure; or having ameditation practice. Mindfulness is the glue that aligns everything you havelearnedsofartogether,andIhavecreatedapneumonicthatwillhelpyouapplyitwithease.It’scalledPAWS.

Pause:Whenyoufindyourselfgettingstressed,yourfirststepis topauseandtakeabreathortwotobegintheprocessofremovingyourselffromtheemotionandthedrama.

Acknowledge:Onceyouhavepaused,thentakeamomenttoacknowledgeandvalidatethatastrongemotionispresent.Younoticetheemotionwithoutgettingcaughtupinit.

Witness:Thenextstep is to takesome time towitnesswhatandhowyouarefeeling.

Separate:Asyouwitnessyourthoughtsandfeelings,thenextstepistoimagineyou are watching a movie play out to help you separate yourself from theexperience, choosing not to identify with the emotion, the situation, or thepatternofthinkingthatyouhavenoticedyouwereengagingin.

Exercise6.4:ApplyingPAWSHere is an opportunity to apply PAWS to a situation. Perhaps somethinghappened today that upset you, or something causes you to get riled up withanger, anxiety, or distresswhen you think about it. Think about that situationnowandtakenoteofhowupsetyougetsimplybythinkingaboutit.Now…

Pause

•Dofivetotenpowerbreaths,countingtothreeasyoubreatheinandcountingtofiveasyoubreatheout.

Acknowledge

•Acknowledgethatanger,anxiety,ordistressispresentandhonoritspresence,understandingthatitisthereforareasonrightnow,usuallytosignalthatyouareoutofbalanceandnotintunewithyourself,yourtruth,andyourvalue.

•Validatethewayyouarefeelinginsteadofdenyingorrepressingit.•Lettheemotionbethereandtakeadvantageofthisopportunitytobreathedeeplyandbreatheinlovingkindnessandhonortoyourself.

Witness

•Observeandtakenoteofthesensationsthatareoccurringinyourbody,wherethesensationsarehappening,andwhattheyarelike.

•Noticewhatthoughts,phrases,orstoriesarerunningthroughyourhead,observingifyouareusingphraseslike,“It’snotfair,”“Whyme?”,or“Ican’ttakethis,”orifthereisapatterntoyourthoughtsthatyourecognizeandcanlabel.

•Observeifthereistensionorrelaxationofanymusclesorbodyparts,discerningwheretheemotionitselfseemstobelocated,aswellasitsintensity,shape,form,andeffectonyourbreathorposture.

Separate

•Asyouobserveyourbody,youremotions,andyourexperience,choosetoseeyournegativeemotionandyourexpressionofthisnegativeemotionasapattern,astorythatisplayingoutlikeamovie.

•Observethestoryknowingthatitdoesn’tdefineyou.•Tohelpyourselfseparatefromtheexperience,alsogentlyobserveyourbreathasitmovesinandout,thesoundsintheroomthatcomeandgo,thebirdssinginginthetrees,thelawnmowerhummingoutside,orthesoundsofcarsdrivingby.

•Witnesseverythingaroundyou.

After applyingPAWS,youmay feel less chargedand less stressed.Whenyoucreatespacebetweenyouandyouremotions,youliberateyourselffromneedingtobeidentifiedbytheexternalworlds,oldstories,orbeliefs.Whenthesestoriesandthenegativitynolongerhaveaholdonyou,youfindmorepeaceandcalm.Mindfulness, therefore, enables you to bemore objective as you validate andlabelanygivensituation—yourreaction,yourtrigger,whereyourinfrastructureislacking—withoutyouremotionscloudingyourinsight.For instance, let’s assume that you have done the exercises in the previous

chapterandidentifiedseveralcategoriesorlabelsforgivensituationsthatbringabout the same feelingornegativebelief.Onceyouhaveyourcategories,youcan easily recognize the associated feelings when they arise and thereforeobjectifythem.Youmightsaysomethinglike“ThisiswhatIexperiencewhenIfeelinvisible,”or“WhenIfeelthatsomesortofinjusticeishappening,myheartclenchesshutandIhaveahardtimebreathing,”or“Themovieofinjusticeisapattern of heart clenching and difficulty breathing associatedwith thoughts ofthingsbeingunfair.”Takingthetimetolabelanexperienceonceortwiceallowsyoutoidentifyapatternquicklyinthefuturesothatyoucanobserveitasitishappening, not get swept awaywith it.You essentially separate yourself fromany given situation or drama so that it loses its power over you. The moreseparationyoucreate,thebettercapableyouareofshiftingyourstressreactiontoalovingorcalmresponse.

ShiftingIntoAppreciationWhen you allow yourself to be in the present moment, unattached,nonjudgmental, and open, you can make the choice to shift into a state of

appreciation.Ifyouthinkabout it,stress isastateof“notenough.”Whenyouareworriedthatyoudonothaveorarenotenoughyourself, it israrethatyoucanalsobeinastateofappreciation.Byshiftingintentionallyintoappreciation,youinvariablyshiftyourmindsetawayfromnotbeingenoughtofeelinglucky.The good news is can choose to appreciate anything you wish. You can

appreciate the moon, the stars, the way your breath moves, the sounds oflaughter, that there was a yesterday and that there will be a tomorrowsomewhere, that you get to have a today, that you get to experience all theemotionsyouarehaving, thatyouare livingandbreathing, thatsomeonegaveyoulife,andsoforth.Asyoushiftintoappreciationandgratitude,youshiftintotheluckystateoflove.Irecommendthatyoubuildadailypracticeofappreciationintoyourlifeso

thatitbecomesacommonstateofbeingforyou.Youcansitquietlyforfiveormoreminuteseverydayandhopefullyeveryeveningtocontemplatethingsyouappreciate,perhapsevenwritingthemdowninanappreciationjournal.Tryitoutforyourselfinthenextexercise.

Exercise6.5:TheAppreciationContemplation•Bringyourawarenesstoyourbreath.Followyourbreathasitmovesin,andfollowyourbreathasitmovesout.

•Beawarethatyourbreathconnectsyoutoalloflife.•Beawarethatyoucan’tholdontoyourbreathevenifyoutry.•Beawarethatwhenyoubreathe,youbreatheinalloftheair;youdon’tgettoselectwhichairyoubreathe.

•Beawarethatyourlifeissimilarasyougettohaveamyriadofexperiences,notjustselectones.

•Beawarethatyougettobreatheandyougettohaveamyriadofexperiences.

•Beawarethatyougettoseethemoon,yougettoseethestars,andyougettoseethesunrisethenextmorning.

•Appreciate.Appreciatethemoon.Appreciatesmiles.Appreciatedogs.Appreciatesidewalks.Appreciateapples.Appreciatefriends.Appreciatepeoplewhocomeintoyourlifetowakeyouup.Appreciateallthatyouhaveandare.Appreciateanythingthatcomestomind.

•Appreciateforaslongasyouneedto.

Exercise6.6:TheAppreciationJournalWhen you are donewith your appreciationmeditation, jot down a few thingsthat you are truly grateful for in a journal, especially with regard to positiveexperiences or realizations you have had during the day or week. It can besomethingminor,likefeelingluckythatyoufoundaparkingspot,tosomethingmajor, like falling in loveorgetting the jobyouwanted. Iusually recommendwriting in your journal in the evening and then reading what you wrote toyourselfthenextmorningandcontemplatefurtherhowluckyyoufeelforhavinghad these experiences prior to starting your morning meditation. Examplestartingstatementsforyourappreciationjournalcaninclude:

Iamsogratefulthat

Iamluckybecause

Iamsoappreciativeof

L

Chapter7

RedirectStressforGood

“Raiseyourwords,notyourvoice.Itisrainthatgrowsflowers,notthunder.”—Rumi

ikeagustofwind, stresscanbeapowerful force thatcan instigate radialchange, new direction, standing up for justice and civil rights, and

protecting thoseyouholddear. Itmotivates strangers to band together to pickoneanotherupfromunderfallenrubbleorfight togetherforacommoncause,fuelpoliticalagendas,promotebusinesstransactions,endoralignrelationships,or enable people to feelmore in control of something theynormally fear.Butlike thewinds that arise from a tornado, the effects of stress, especiallywhenassociatedwithanger,canbedestructiveifnotkeptundercontrol.Sotoo,ifthepowerfulforceofstressorangerisbottledupinsideofyouandnotexpressedormoved,theenergywillcombustinternallyorexplodeexternally,likeasodacanthat is shaken and eventually opened.The key is to learn how tomove stresswithstructureanddirectionsothatitseffectscanbenefityouandothersratherthandestroy.

LearningfromOurAncestorsWisdom traditions like traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), Buddhistphilosophy, and the Vedic system have alluded to the positive benefits oftransforming negative emotions to their more viable and healthy forms forthousandsofyears.IntheFiveElementSystemofTCM,anger,oneofthemoredestructive negative emotions, is perceived as a negative energy form that isassociated with an imbalanced liver, stagnation, explosive growth that causesrootstofalloutoftheearth,andavarietyofhealthproblemslikeanxiety,highbloodpressure,bloodclots,andliverdisease.Whencounterbalancedpositively,theenergytakesonassociationswithlovingkindnessandcompassion,strength,

creativity,swiftnessofactionandmovement,gentlegrowth,thesound“shhhh,”thecolorgreen,andtheseasonofspring.18In the Vedic tradition, which dates back to 2000 BCE in India, the chakra

systemalsoprovidesaguidefortheshiftingofangerintoamorepositiveform.Chakras,whichmean “wheels” or “whirls” in Sanskrit, are vortices of energyandconsciousness that spin like thesun.Thereare sevenmajorchakras in thebody that are interconnected by the spinal column, each one associated withcertain organs and physiological, physical, psychological, emotional, andspiritualfunctions,colors,sounds,andvibrations.Thechakramostaffiliatedwithangeristhethirdchakra,locatedinthesolar

plexus.Thischakra is locatedbetweentheribcageandnaveland includes theupperabdomen,stomach,spleen,intestine,liver,pancreas,andgallbladder.Itisbelievedthatthisenergycentergovernscreativeandintuitiveabilities,aswellastherationalsideofthemind,assimilationofthoughts,theego,andexperiencesthathelpyoudefineyourself.A healthy third chakra represents a healthy digestive system, whereby you

knowwhoyouare,knowwhatisnourishingforyouandwhatisnot,areabletoabsorbandassimilatelife’sexperiencesinahealthywaywithoutlosingyourselforbeingdestroyed,andareabletoletgoandberidofwhateverit isthatdoesnotserveyou,helpyou,orbetteryou.Anunhealthythirdchakraisrepresentedby feelings of insecurity, self-doubt and shame, the blame of others, anger,anxiety, and a myriad of digestive problems.19 The key for balance involvesconnecting to the earth, meditating, breathing, getting centered, and lovingkindnessfortheSelfandothers.Whatdoesthismumbo-jumbomean?Younowknowthatitispossibletomanagenegativeemotionsbycontrolling

thestressresponse,whichyoucandothroughdevelopingawarenessandbeingmindful, employing breathing techniques, developing a meditation practice,connectingwith love, and keeping your infrastructure intact. Ancient wisdomtraditions support theuseof these tools tonotonlycontrol the stress responsebuttotransformthenegativestressenergyintolovingenergythatbenefitsyouandothers.Thebottom line is that these traditionsgiveyoumore tools tonotonlyreduceyourstressbutredirecttheenergytoonethatyoucandogoodwith.These tools involvegetting the stressful energy to loosenupandnotholdyoucaptivesothatyoucangetgroundedandcenteredinyourpower,andultimately,shiftintolove.

MoveIttoLoosenItWhenyoupayattentiontohowyourbodyfeelswhenyouarestressed,youwillnoticeafeelingofconstrictionorrestrictioninyourmusculatureorwithinyourbodysomewhere,asifyourenergyisblockedorstagnant.Whatdoyoudowhenenergyisblocked?Youmoveit.Thebestwaytomovethisenergyisbymovingyourself,whetheritisaerobicexerciseormeditationsinmotionasdoneinyoga,tai chi, qigong, or progressive muscle relaxation. This energy can also be“moved”throughtheuseofmusic,verbalsounds,orbodyworklikemassageandacupuncture.

PhysicalActivityAside from being good for your physical andmental health in the long term,exercise, or physical activity, has the added benefit of helping you burn offexcess energy and release endorphins and other feel-good chemicals thatimprove your mood, even when you are in distress. When stressed, considerjogging,walking,bicycling,swimming,orjumpingrope.Youcanrollerbladeordance or play basketball, tennis, or football. Weight training is also a goodoption.Whateveryouchoosetodo,becareful,asyoucouldbesocaughtupinyour negative thoughts, you may not pay attention to your form and hurtyourself. Ipersonally findphysicalactivity tobeawonderful release frommyanger and frustration. I also find slower movement practices like the gentlemartialartformsoftaichiorqigong,orevenyoga,helpmovenegativeenergywhile also helping create a sense of calm and peace. I call thismeditation inmotion.

Exercise7.1:ShakeItOut•Letyourselfthinkaboutsomethingfrustratingorupsetting.Allowthestresstoriseupandpayattentiontowherethebodyandyourbreathfeelconstrictedorrestricted.

•Allowyourarmsandhandstodroptoyoursides.•Begintowiggleyourlegs,followedbyyourbuttocks,followedbyyourtorso.

•Addthearmsandshakethemwildly,whilealsoshakingyourhead.•Shakeyourentirebodyforoneminute,asifyouareshakingallthestress

out.•Noticehowyoufeel.

MeditationInMotionWhenyoudon’thavetheoptiontogettoagymorgooutdoorstoexercise,youalwayshave theability todo stretchingand relaxationexerciseswhereveryouare.Progressivemusclerelaxation, forexample, isahighlyeffective techniquethatwillcertainlyshiftthestress-energy,aswillavarietyofbreathingtechniquesand yoga poses. Particularly effective are poses that involve twisting at yourcore, which is meant to wring out the blocked energy in your third chakra.Below are a variety of exercises you can try.Choose one or do them all, oneaftertheother.

Exercise7.2:SupineTwist•Lieonthefloor(onamat,arug,orthegrass)onyourback.•Bringyourkneestoyourchestandhugthemasyoubreatheindeeply,bringingthemascloseasyoucantoyourchest.

•Asyouexhale,allowyourkneestogentlyfalltotheleftsideasyourheadfallstotheright.

•Inhaledeeply,andthenasyouexhale,pullyourhipstotheleftwithyourlefthandwhileyourrightarmstretchesouttotheright.

•Inhale,relaxthetension,exhale,pull,andstretch.•Dothisfortencyclesofbreathoneachside.

Exercise7.3:KundaliniKriyaPose•Sitonthefloorcross-legged.•Placeyourhandsonyourshouldersandwrapyourfingersaroundyourshoulders.

•Inhaledeeplyandtwisttotheleft.•Exhalecompletelyandtwisttotheright,keepingyourspineupright.•Keepyoureyesclosedandtwisttwenty-sixtimes.

Exercise7.4:AlternateNostrilBreathing•Takeadeepbreathin,thenplaceyourthumbonthesideofyourrightnostrilandpressdownasyouexhalethroughyourleftnostril.

•Placeyourindexfingeronthesideofyourleftnostrilandpressdown,removingthepressureoftherightnostrilbyliftingyourthumb,andbreatheinthroughtherightnostril.

•Pressyourthumbbackontoyourrightnostrilwhileliftingyourindexfingerfromyourleftnostrilandbreatheoutoftheleftnostril.

•Dothisfortwenty-sixcountsofbreath.

SoundTherapyAccordingtotheancienttraditions,avarietyofsoundsandchantscanalsoshiftthe stress energy. You can vocalize these sounds or chants while doing yourposes or while doing anything at all. The following exercises involve a fewtechniquesthatIuseandfindhelpful.

Exercise7.5:“Shhhh”“Shhhh” is the sound that calms the liver, according to traditional Chinesemedicine.

•Takeonehandandmakecircularmovementsaroundyourabdomenasifyouaresoothingyourliverasyoubreatheinandthenexhalewiththesound“shhhh.”

•Circleyourhandaroundyourabdomenclockwiseninetimesasyourepeat“shhhh.”

•Circleyourhandaroundyourabdomencounter-clockwiseninetimesasyourepeat“shhhh.”

Exercise7.6:Shout“Ha!”•Whilesittingorstanding,takingadeepbreathinandthenshout“Ha!”asyouexhale.

•Shoutasloudasyoucanatleasttentimes.

Exercise7.7:“Ha!”withMovement•Standwithyourfeetshoulder-widthapart.•Raiseyourarmsoveryourheadandtakeadeepbreathin.Whenyouexhale,swingyourarmsdowntoyoursideaggressively,lettingyourheadandbodyfollow(soyouflexattheneckandslightlyatthehips)whileshouting“Ha!”

Exercise7.8:SingOutLoud•Findasongthatyoulikeandbeltitout.•Singfromthetopofyourlungsandfromdeepwithinyourbelly.•Jumparoundanddancewhileyouareatit.

JournalingStressOutWritingoutyourthoughtsandfeelingscanbehighlytherapeutic,andIstronglyadvocate the use of a stress release journal, which involveswriting down thereasons you are upset or stressed alongwith all your feelingswithout holdingbackorjudging.ThisistheprocessIrecommend:

Exercise7.9:StressReleaseJournal•Setatimerforfifteenminutesorkeepthetimeopen.•Onasheetofpaperseparatefromyourotherjournals,writedownwhyyouareupsetorstressedandwhatyoufeel,see,think,orwanttodo.

•Don’tholdback.Don’tthinktoomuch.Writewithoutfilters.Getitout.•Youcandrawpicturesanduseexpletivesorcrudeadjectives.•Stopwhenthetimergoesofforstopwhenyoufeelready.•Placeyourhandsonthewordsyouhavewrittenandsaythesewordsoutloud:“Inowreleaseyoufrommybody,mind,andconsciousness.”

•Destroythepapersbytearingthemtoshredsorburningthem.•Checkinwithyourselfthenextday.Ifyoufindthatyouarestillupsetorstressedadaylater,dotheexerciseagain.

GroundandCenterYourPowerFormost, it is quite challenging to sit still or quiet yourmind when you areanxiousorruminatingaboutsomethingthatyouareupsetabout.Movinghelpsrelease this pent-up energy so that you canwork towardbeingmore centered,connectedwithyourself,andincontrolofyouremotionsandthoughts.Oneofthe easiest ways to get grounded and centered is by spending time in nature.Hereare foursimpleexercises tohelpyouget there.The latter threeexercisesareespeciallyhelpfulifyoudonothaveaccesstonature.

Exercise7.10:CenteringinNatureThe aim of this exercise is to practice mindfulness meditation out in naturewherebyyouengageallyoursensestoappreciateeverythingaroundyouwhileemploying nonjudgmental awareness and appreciation to the connection youhavewithnature.

•Takeyourselftoaplaceinnaturethatyoulove.Itmaybeaforest,anopenfield,abeach,oryourgarden.

•Youmaychoosetostandstill,sitcomfortably,liedown,orassumethepositionofgardening,aslongasyouarecomfortable.

•Takeamomenttocloseyoureyes.•Noticethefeeloftheairontheskinofyourface.•Noticethefeeloftheairasitfillsyournostrilsandthenyourlungs.•Noticethesoundsofnaturearoundyou.Isthereabirdsinging?Aretheleavesmovinginthebreeze?

•Noticetheconnectionyourbreathbringstoyouwiththeair,thebreeze,orthesounds.

•Noticethefeeloftheearthbeneathyourfeet.•Ifyouarekneeling,noticethefeeloftheearthasyousweepitintoyourfingersandhands.

•Becomeawareoftheearth,thatitiswhatthefarmerstillandwhereyournurturancecomesfrom.

•Appreciatethesupporttheearthprovidesyou.•Appreciatethatyouarebeingnourishedbytheearth,thesun,theair,therain,andanythingelsethatcomestomind.

•Appreciateyourplacehereonearthandyourplaceinbetweenheavenandearth.

•Breatheinandbreatheout,deeplyandslowly.•Youmaychoosenowtogardenmindfully,walkmindfully,orcontinuesittingorlyingdownusingallyoursensestoappreciateyourconnectiontoheavenandearth—listening,noticing,looking,feeling,tasting,being.

Exercise7.11:RootingandGroundingThisexercise isamodifiedversionofaqigong(aslowandancientmartialartform)movement that involvesmotion,balance, andusingyour imagination togroundyourselftotheearth.

•Standwithyourfeetshoulder-widthapart,keepingyourkneesslightlybent.

•Keepanuprightposturewithyourheadlifted,chintucked,andbackstraight.

•Closeyoureyes.•Dothreetofourpowerbreaths.•Bringyourawarenesstothesolesofyourfeetandjustbeawareoftheconnectionyourfeethavewiththeearth.

•Breatheinandimagineyouaregatheringtheenergyoftheearthintothebackpartofthesolesofyourfeet.

•Exhale,releasingtheenergyfromthefrontpadofyourfeetbackintotheearth.

•Inhale,gatheringtheenergyoftheearthintothebackpartofthesolesofyourfeet.

•Exhale,releasingtheenergyfromthefrontpadofyourfeetbackintotheearth.

•Inhale,gatheringtheenergyoftheearthinthebackpartofthesolesofyourfeetasyouleanintothebackofthesoles,allowingthetoestocomeupslightly.

•Exhale,releasingtheenergyfromthefrontpadsofyourfeetbackintotheearthasyouleanontothefrontpadsofyourfeet,allowingyourheelstocomeupslightly.(Youareswayingslightlybackandforthwitheachinhaleandexhale.)

•Imaginerootsarebeingformed,movingdeepintotheearth,connectingyouwiththeheartoftheearth.

•Imaginetherootsaregivingyousupportandhelpingyoustaybalancedwhileallowingyoutostayflexibleandrelaxed.

•Swaybackandforthasyouinhaleandexhale,formingrootswhilestayingflexibleandrelaxed,foratleasttencyclesofbreath.

•Whenready,standstill.Beawareofyourconnectiontotheearthandnoticehowyoufeel.

Exercise7.12:Child’sPoseThis is a yoga pose that is very relaxing as well as nourishing. It helps youconnect to the earth like a childmight, lettinggo andbreathing slowly in andout.

•Sityourbuttocksonyourheelsonthefloor(preferablyonamat,arug,oronthegrasswhereitissoft).

•Inhaledeeplyasyoureachyourarmsupward.•Asyouexhale,reachforwardandlayyourforeheadonthefloor.•Stayinthisposeforfiveminutesormore,justbreathing.

Exercise7.13:LiverSmileThisisoneofmyfavoritecenteringexercisesthatinvolvesdoinganinnersmileto your heart and your internal organs, particularly, in this version, your liver,whileusingthesoundthatisassociatedwithbalancingoftheliver,“shhhh.”

•Sitinacross-leggedpositiononapilloworonachairwithyourfeetflatonthefloor,whicheverismostcomfortabletoyou,andcloseyoureyes.

•Dotwoorthreebreaths,breathingincountingtothreeandbreathingoutwhilecountingtofive,whilenotingtheconnectionthebaseofyourspinehaswiththecenterofthehearthandthetopofyourscalphaswiththeheartoftheuniverse.

•Imaginetheenergyoftheearthandtheuniverseareconnectinginyourheartasyouinhaleandexhale.

•Smilegently.•Smileasyougentlymoveyourfocusandawarenesstoyourheart.Smileinyourheart.Acknowledgeyourheartasyousmile,breathinginandoutforanotherfivecyclesofbreath.

•Continuetotakenice,slow,deepbreathsasyougentlyshiftyourfocusandawarenesstoyourliver,locatedunderyourrightribcage.Smilelovinglytoyourliver.Acknowledgeyourliverasyousmile,breathinginandoutfor

fivecyclesofbreath.•Forthenextfivetotencyclesofbreath,continuetosmileinwardlyandsay“shhhh”everytimeyouexhale.

•Sitquietlyandnoticehowyoufeel.

ShiftintoLoveYouhavealreadylearnedabouttheimportanceofloveanditshealingpowersonhealth and life, and hopefully you have experienced these benefits by doingsome of the exercises and meditations. Since it is hard to access love whenstressed, it is of course helpful to move the stress-energy first and then getcentered.Oncecentered,youcantransformthenegativeenergyintosomethingpositive,usinglovetodosobyassessingyourTMIandseeingwhatyoumightneedtodotoimproveyourself-careorgetmoresupport.

Self-CareYourTMIassessmentmightshowyou,forinstance,thatyouarebeingtriggeredbecauseyouaresleep-deprived,lonely,hungry,orfeelingirritablebecauseyouhaven’texercised.Assuch,youfirstwant toevaluateandactualizewhereyouneed to employ lovewith relationship to self-care.You canmake a long-termplan (to sleep,meditate, eat better, and so forth) and a plan for the now. The“nowplan”canincludegettingamassageorhealingbodywork,treatingyourselfto a healthymeal, buying yourself flowers, or taking a needed nap.Whateveryouchoosetodo,dosowithloving-kindnesstowardyourself.

SocialSupportYourTMIassessmentwillalsoshowyouifyouneedmoresupport.Youwanttomake sure thatyouhaveyour “go-to”peoplewhoyoucan turn to in timesofneed. These are individuals you already identified or are working towardbringing into your life—individualswho can hear you, love you, or hold youwithoutjudgingyou.Youwouldbesurprisedhowmanypeopleyoumightknowwhocando this foryouwhenyouexplain to themwhatyouneed from them.Youcangotoasupportgroup,atherapist,counselor,orcoach,orconnectwithdearfriendsorlovedoneswhocanremindyouhowlovedyouare.

HelpSomeoneElseOneofthemostpowerfulwaystoredirectandtransformtheenergyofdistressisbyusingtheenergytodogoodratherthanharm.Thinkaboutacausethatyoucanbelieveinandgetinvolvedwith,anduseyourstresstomotivateyoutoloveand help this cause. If there isn’t a particular cause thatmoves you, you canalwayshelpanyonewhoisinneed.Getoutsideofyourheadandyouremotionsand look around you. Help an elderly person cross the street or carry theirgrocerieshome.Opendoorsforpeopleandsmile.Volunteeratasoupkitchen.Thelistisendless.

TheEnergySocketWhenindoubtandyouarenotsurewhattodo,whotohelp,orifyouevenfeellikemovinganymore,youcando thisexercise thatguidesyou to receive loveandsupportfromtheresourcesaroundyou,heavenandearth.

Exercise7.14•Sitinacross-leggedpositiononapillow,onacomfortablechairwithyourfeetflatonthefloororground,orliedownonasoftblanketonthefloor.

•Closeyoureyesanddothreetofourpowerbreaths.•Bringyourawarenesstotheconnectionyourfeet,coccyx,oryourentirebackifyouarelyingdown,havewiththeearth.Witnesstheconnectionandhowtheearthissupportingyou—yourweight,yourlivelihood,andsoforth.Allowyourselftoimagineyouarereceivingnurture,abundance,andloveasitrisesfromtheheartoftheearththroughyourbodytoyoursolarplexus.

•Bringyourawarenesstoandfocusgentlyonyoursolarplexusasyouimagineyouaregatheringupthesupport,abundance,andnurtureofMotherEarthintoyoursolarplexus.

•Asyouinhale,gathertheenergyupyourbodyintoyoursolarplexus.•Asyouexhale,imagineyouaregivingbackloveandgenerositytotheearth.

•Asyouinhale,gathermoreenergy.•Exhale,givebacktotheearth.•Dothisforfivecyclesofbreath.

•Relaxintoyoursolarplexus,gentlybreathinginandout,notingthesensationsyouareexperiencing,theexpansionofyourpower,andthecenteringofyourenergy.

•Whenyouareready,imagineyouarelookingupattheskyandnoticinggoldenraysoflightshiningdownonyou.

•Asyouinhale,imagineyouareabsorbingthesegoldenlightsthatholdthesupport,nurture,abundance,andloveoftheuniverse.

•Theselightraysmovedownthroughthecrownofyourheadandintoyourheart,fillingyourheartandspillingoverintoyoursolarplexus.

•Asyouexhale,imagineyouaregivingbackloveandgenerositytotheuniverse.

•Dothisforfivecyclesofbreath.•Likeanelectricsocket,youarereceivingenergy,support,nurture,abundance,andlovefromheavenandearth.

•Relaxintoyoursolarplexus,gentlybreathinginandout,notingthesensationsyouareexperiencing,theexpansionofyourpower,andthecenteringofyourenergyasyouarenowtappedintotheheavenandearth.

PuttingItAllTogether:WhatRedirectingStressMightLookLikeHere is an exampleofwhat theprocessof changing the stress-energy togoodmightlooklike:Yourbossjusttookcreditfortheworkyouhavebeenlaboringhardoverfor

the last twomonths.Hebarely evenmentionedyourwork inhis report to theCEOofthecompany.Youarefuming.Whatdoyoudo?

1. PAWS: Slow down your thoughts and just take a moment to pause.Acknowledge thatyouare angryandvalidatehowyou feel asyouhaveeveryrighttofeelthewayyoudo.Witnesswhatyouarefeelingandthesensationsyouareexperiencingandbegintolabeltheexperience(thisisasituationofdisrespect,dishonor,betrayal,etc.).Separateyourselffromtheemotionandcircumstanceasyoulabeltheexperienceandunderstandthatyoudonothavetofallintothetrapofthedramaofanger.

2. Doyourpowerbreathsandfeelyourselfgently looseningyourselffromyouranger.

3. Move theangerenergybydoingalternatenostrilbreathing followedbypracticingthe“Ha!”soundwithmovementafewtimes.

4. Once completed, do one the modified rooting and grounding qigongexercises.

5. Be still for a moment and contemplate and assess your TMI (trigger,mood,infrastructure).

6. Shift into lovebypracticing theenergysocket.Makea listofactivitiesyoucandotohelpyoufeelseen,valued,andrespected,understandingthatbeing overlooked or disregarded is a pattern for you and that somehowyouareco-creatingthesituation,whichyouwillnowworktowardfixing.

7.Takenoteofhowyoufeel.

Thoughthisprocessdoesnotchangetheoutcomeofwhatyourbosshasdone,itwill move you toward feeling less enraged and more empowered, ultimatelyhelpingyouchangethedirectionofyourreactionandthecourseofactionyoumight take in themoment and in the future.Any time you find an activity oractionthatallowsyoutoshiftoutofanegativestory,emotion,orreaction,writeitdowninyourDistressAssessmentChartsothatyouknowwhatyoucandoatalaterdate.

DistressAssessmentChart

T

Chapter8

StandinYourPower

“Whenangrycounttofour;whenveryangry,swear.”—MarkTwain

herearesometimeswhenlettingoutaswearwordortwocanbeextremelycathartic and sometimes empowering, especially when it is used as a

mechanism to release the energyof stress andwhen it doesn’t inflict harmonanyone.Imaginethis:Youarelatetoworkandstuckintraffic.Anotherdrivercutsyou

off,causingyoutostepsohardonthebrakethatyouspillcoffeealloveryournewshirt.Youloseit.Obscenitiesflyoutofyourmouthsofoulyouarealmostsurprisedatyourself.Asmallpartofyouisevenawarethat theguyinthecarnexttoyouisstaringatyouandlikelycallingyouaravinglunatic,whichatthispoint,youare.Butyoufeelalittlebetterhavinggottensomeoftheangeroutofyoursystembeforeyougettotheoffice.Theproblemisthatthedaydoesn’tgetmuchbetter.Bythetimeyougettothe

office, a pile of papers amile high iswaiting in your inbox and your boss isdemanding to have a file ready in the next ten minutes. You are stressed,overwhelmed, andwearing a stained shirt.Whenoneofyour children calls totellyouheforgothislunchathome,yousnapandlayintohim,yellingathimforbeingirresponsibleandlazy.Tenminuteslater,aftergivingsaidfiletoyourboss,youfindyourselfsitting

on the toilet, crying, angry at yourself for being angry, feeling ashamed andguiltyforyellingatyourchild,andworriedabout losingyour job ifyoudon’tgetittogether.Youneedtogetagrip.Youtrytorememberwhatyoureadinthisbook,but

youcan’t.Youaretoopissedoffandburntout.Yourmindisblank,andyouarejustsimplyspent.Sittingonthetoiletwithtearsstreamingdownyourface,youadditup:you

aresleepdeprived.Yourhusbanddidn’ttakeoutthetrash,again.Yourkidsareconstantlyfighting,anditisaconstantchoretogetthemtodotheirchores.Yourbossthinksthatitisokaytocallyouatnightwhentechnicallyyourworkhoursaredoneat5:30p.m.Yourmomcan’tstopremindingyouhowmuchbettershewas at being a mom, and you are beginning to think she is right. You can’trememberthelasttimeyougottothegymorgotyourkidstobedontime.Allyouwant rightnowisapintof icecreamandanothershirt towear that isnotcoffee-stained. You go through a list of shoulds—what you should have andshouldnothavedoneoverthecourseofthepastweek—andconcludethatyouareprobablydeservingofthisbigmessyouarein.Thefurtheryougodownthislineofthinking,themoreyoucry.Youswear,butitdoesn’thelp.Youfeellikedirtandcompletelypowerless.Howcanyougetyourpowerback?

BeingPowerfulMany people think that being powerful means being aggressive, overbearing,dominating,orcontrolling.Andbecausethesequalitiesareviewedasnegative,manypeoplehavecontradictingfeelingsaboutwhatbeingpowerfulmeans.Asaresult,insteadofstandingintheirpower,manypeople,especiallywomen,givetheirpoweraway,notwantingtobeseenastooaggressiveorrude.Standing in your power has nothing to do with how you treat people or

whetheryouuseforce togetwhatyouwant. It refers toknowingwhoyouareand standing by yourself and your beliefs. Power isn’t something that comesfromexternalmeasuresbutfromaninternalprocessofgrowth,love,acceptance,andawareness.Inshort, rarelydoesanyonetakeyourpoweraway;rather,yougiveitaway.Anytimeyoubelieveyouarenotenoughordonothaveenoughtomanage

adversity,youbringyourselfclosertofeelingpowerless,whetheritcomesfromincessant self-doubt and thoughts of being inadequate, feelings of beingoverwhelmed,worryingaboutwhatothersmay think,beingupset thatyouarenotbeingheardandhavenovoice,orfeelingthatyouarenotdeservingofgoodor success. As long as you hold on to a “not enough” belief or thought, yousabotageyourchancesofstandinginyourownpower.Whenyouarenotinyourownpower,youcannotfullyhonoryourself,whatisimportanttoyou,whoyoutruly are, what you truly want, what you are capable of accomplishing, orstandingstronginyourdecisions.Youarenotsolidinyourself,inyourbeliefs,orwhoyouare.Givingyourpowerawayhappenstheminuteyoutakecareofsomeoneelse’s

needsatyourownexpense.Ithappenswhenyoudonotsaynoandtakeonmorethanyourplatecanhandleandwhenyouletotherpeople’sfeelingsmattermorethanyours. Ithappenswhenyouarenotmindfulofhow tired, sad,hungry,orlonely you might be and when you criticize yourself by “should-ing” onyourself.

The“Should”ProblemIbetyouhaveneverpaidattentiontohowmanytimesyousay“should”duringthecourseofaday,eitherdirectingthat“should”towardsomeoneandwhattheyshouldhavedoneor towardyourself.Youmaynot realize this,butevery timeyou“should”yourself, youputyourself downand shameyourself.Statementssuch as “I should have known better,” “I should have gotten a salad, not thatburger,” “I should lose weight” or “I should have gone left instead of right”underline thenotion thatyouarenot enoughandneed tobeashamed for this.Whenyouberateyourself likethis, thestressresponsegetstriggered,andwiththat comesother negative emotions,memoriesof feeling similarly in thepast,andtheassociatedphysiologicalchanges.Perhaps you can witness what should-ing yourself feels like and judge for

yourself whether it gives a feeling of invincibility and expansiveness orsmallnessandcontraction.

Exercise8.1:The“Should”Test•Closeyoureyesandsaytoyourself,“Ishouldhave__________________.”Fillintheblankwithsomethingyoufeelyoushouldhavedoneorshouldhavebeen.

•Noticewhathappenstoyourchestandyourbreath.•Doyoufeelcontractedorexpansive?•Doyoufeelgoodorbad?

Commenthere:

Should-ing yourself doesn’t inspire behavior change. Instead, it motivatesmaladaptiveornegativecopingbehaviorsthatareself-sabotagingandeffectivelyhelpyou feel evenworse thanyoudidat theoutset. Inotherwords, saying“Ishouldloseweight”willmorelikelyprovokeyoutoeatatuboficecreamoverahealthy salad, which will make you feel worse about yourself and morepowerlesstochange.Whenyouthenfeelbadaboutyourselfandpowerless,youaremorelikelytofeelvictimizedbyexternalcircumstances,likeacriticalbossoraspousewhodoesn’ttakeoutthegarbage.

Exercise8.2:TheAlternativeStatement•Closeyoureyesandthinkaboutthesamesituation,butthistimesaytoyourself,“Icouldhave_____________________________.”

•Noticethesensationsyouexperienceinyourbody,particularlyyourchestandbreath.Doyounoticeadifference?

•Doesyourchestcontractinthesamewayifatall?•Doyounotfeelmorehopeful?

Commenthere:

Byswitchingto“could,”youhavedecidedtobeaccountableforyourbehavior,knowingthatdoingthingsdifferentlymayleadtodifferentresults.Youarenotshaming yourself. You are acknowledging yourself without putting yourselfdownordismissingyourself.Using“could” insteadof“should”allowsyou toengage thestress responseonlyenough tomotivateaction.“Could” includesalittle bit of guilt tomotivate thinking about behavior change but is not strongenough to induce inflammation, negative thinking, and the feelings ofhopelessness and helplessness. Using “could” changes your internalconversations, quieting the inner critic so that you can be empowered versusdisempowered, letting you be accountable for your choices and feel open to

makingsomepositivechanges.The“should”versus“could”exercise isaprimeexampleofhowyour inner

voiceandnegativitycansabotageyoursenseofSelfandpower.Using“could”more frequently gets you one step closer toward achieving the goal of feelingmoreempowered.Thenextstepsentailquietingyourinnercriticthatishavingyou “should” on yourself to begin with, assuming more powerful stances,aligning with your values and what you want, and changing your wordsaltogetherbyaligningwithyourpowerstatements.

QuietingtheInnerCriticWeallhaveaninnercritic.Forsomeofyou,thatcriticisaloudvoicethattriesto convince you that you are not enough through the framework of negativeemotions, thoughts, and beliefs.When you are running on empty, when yourinfrastructureisdown,orwhenyouareunderalotofstressandoverwhelmed,yourinnercriticgetslouderandlouder,cuttingyounoslack.Itdoesn’tletyoubehumanormakemistakes.Itencouragesyoutosabotageyourselfsothatyoucontinue not to take care or support yourself, and ultimately, it causes you toshameyourselfandapologizeforwhoyouare.The key is to quiet the inner critic and choose to accept and love yourself

instead.Makingthischoicehelpsyouembarkonthepathoftakingcareofyou,which lets you heal fromhurts, get healthy, get fit, understand yourself betteralongwith your needs andwants, communicate your beliefs and desireswithclarityandconviction,andstayunapologeticforwhatyoubelieveandwhoyouare.

Exercise8.3:QuietingtheInnerCriticLet’s say you find yourself depleted, tired, frustrated, angry, and disrespected.Letyourselfgotothisangryplacerightnow.

•Allownegativefeelingsandthoughtstoriseup.Takenoteifyoufeelpowerlessversuspowerful.

•Pauseandtakeamomenttoacknowledgeandvalidatethatyouareoutofbalanceandthatwhenyouareoutofbalance,yourinnercriticcomesforavisit.

•Ratherthanrepressingtheinnercriticorthestorythatcomeswithyourcritic,orshamingorblamingyourselforanyoneelseforthatmatter,listen

toyourinnercriticwithoutgettingcaughtupinitorbelievingit.Whatisitsaying?Youmaywishtowriteitouthere:

•Witnesshowthestoryismakingyoufeelandcausingyourstressresponsetogointooverdrive.Youmaywishtocontinuetowriteaboutthephysicalreactionsyouareexperiencinghere:

•Witnessthenegativebeliefsthisstoryisconnectedwith,particularlyrelatedtohowyoufeelaboutyourselfandnothavingorbeingenough.ObjectifythesituationnowbygivingitalabelandwritingtheassociatedfindingsdowninyourDistressAssessmentChart.

•Label:

•Lookatwhatyouhavewrittenwithobjectivityandappreciationthatyourinnercriticissimplyyourwarningsignalthatyouareoutofbalance,

triggered,andinneedofloveandcare.•Inyourchart,listactivitiesoractionsthatyoucandotoloveandtakecareofyourself.

•Takeactionbymovingthenegativeenergy.Whetheryoudophysicalexercise,meditationinmotion,journaling,orsoundtherapyasdiscussedinthepreviouschapter,theresultisthesame:youmoveanddestabilizethenegativeenergy.Ifyouarestuckinabathroomstallatworkanddon’tfeelitispossibletomovephysicallyinpublic,thenscreamoutloud,journalontoiletpaperoryoursmartphone,ordooneofthemeditationsinmotionwhilesitting,liketheKundalinikriyaposeoralternatenostrilbreathing.

•Centerandground.Ifyoucangetoutside,takeamindfulwalktohelpclearyourmindandconnectwithnature.Youcandotherootingandgroundingexercise,child’spose,orliversmile.

•Choosetodoanactofself-care,onethatwillhelpyoufeelempowered.UsethisopportunitytofullyevaluateyourTMIandassesswhereinyourlifeyoumaywanttomakechangesthatsupportyouandyourvaluemorefully.Thisassessmentwillfurtheryourclarityandwants—frompeople,work,love,andinlife.

•Notehowyoufeelnow.Youmaychoosetowriteitdownorsimplycontemplateyourexperience.

Thegoalofquietingyourinnercriticistohelpyoubelieveinyourworth.Theworthieryoubelieveyouare, thelesseasilyyouwillbeovercomebystressordistress,andthemorepowerfulyouwillfeelandbe.Ofcourse,ifyoustillfeelstressedandlackinginpower,youcanalwaysassumeapowerpose.

RedirectingtheEnergyandPowerPosingAmyCuddy,aHarvardscientistwhostudiesbodylanguageandtheeffectithasonhormones,conducteda studywheresubjectsweredivided into twogroups.

The first group was told to power pose for one hundred and twenty secondsbeforeamock job interview,while thesecondgroupwas instructed toassumelowpowerpositionsbeforetheirinterview.Theinterviewerschosetoemploythepower posing group just about every time.When saliva samples were tested,thosesubjectswhodidthepowerposeshadtestosterone(whichisadominancehormone)levelsincreaseby20percent,whiletheirlevelsofcortisol(thestresshormone) dropped approximately 25 percent. The lower posing group had theoppositeresults,withincreasedcortisollevelsandadropintestosterone.20Thebestnewsisthatthisonlytaketakesminutes!Hereareafewexercisesforyoutotryout.

Exercise8.4:StandlikeaSuperheroStandwithlegsspreadapart,armsonhips,andelbowsbent.Asopposedtothecontractedstateoffeelinghelpless,thisposeopensupthebodyandconveysthesenseofbeingpowerful.

Exercise8.5:LeanBackWhereveryouaresitting,leanbackandliftyourarmsoveryourhead,andcrossthembehindyourheadwithyourelbowsout, leaningyourheadbackonyourarms (like a relaxing boss). Let your legs be shoulder-width apart and, if youlike,crossonelegovertheother,butonlysothattheanklerestsontheknee(notafullcrossingofthelegs).Ifyouareatyourdesk,youcanputyourfeetonthedesk.

Exercise8.6:LeanForwardIf you are standing near a desk or table, standwith feet shoulder-width apart,leanforwardandplaceyourhandsonthetableordeskandlet thembearyourweight.

Theminuteyoudecidetogiveyourinnercriticanewjob,youchoosenottobecontrolledbyyournegativebeliefsandemotionsandtotakeastandforyourselfinstead,whichyoutaketothenext levelbyactuallystandinginapowerpose.Assumingthepowerposescanthenhelpyoufeelmoreself-assured.Themoreself-assuredyouare,themoreclarityyougainregardingwhatyouwantandwho

andwhatyoutrulyvalue,includingwhatyouvalueaboutyourself.

GettingClarityaboutWhatYouWantClarity is somethingyougainover time.For themost part, youoftenhave toexperience what you don’t want in order to realize what you do want. Theproblem is that most people ruminate on what they don’t want or don’t like,ratherthanfocusingontheopposite.The more you hold on to a negative situation, the more you hold on to a

negativebelieforfeeling,themorestressbuildsupinyou—atsomepoint,youexplode.Thishappenswhenyouthinkaboutanegativesituationoverandoveragain,tellthestoryrepeatedly,orruminateonitinanyshapeorform.Themoreyoufocusonhowsomethingorsomeonemakesyoufeelnegative,themoreyoudepleteyourself,theworseyoufeelovertime,andthelessclearyoubecomeonwhatyouwantordeserve.The key is to acknowledge and honor theway you feel, understanding that

your feelingsareappropriateandreasonable,but theyarenothelpingyoufeelgoodorremedythesituation.Thendecidetochangethosefeelingstoonesthatarepositive,aremorepowerful,andactuallyserveyourwell-being.Statingyourthoughts and wants out loud repetitively will further enhance your feeling ofpower.

Exercise8.7:ComparingNegativeversusPositiveStatementsYou can experience for yourself the difference of how a negative versus apositivepowerstatementmakesyoufeel.Saythesetwostatementsoutloudorsilentlytoyourselfandnoticewhathappenstothephysiologyofyourbodyandhowyoufeel—contractedorrelaxed,weakorstrong,powerlessorpowerful.

1.Iamtiredofbeingdisrespected.2.Iembodythefeelingofbeingrespected.

Describethedifference:

By repeating statements that aremorepowerful andpositive, youoverride thenegative thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and especially physiology. The morepowerfulyoubegintofeel,thehigherchanceyouwillthinkandactwithclarityandcalmgoingforward.Creating a power statement is fairly simple, especially once you have

identifiedyourlabelinyourDistressAssessmentChartsinceyoujustchoosetheoppositebelieforfeelingfromthatlabel.YoucanalsocreateaseparatePowerChart toanalyzemorespecificallynotonly thepowerstatement thatbestsuitsyour needs but also what role you are playing in preventing yourself fromfeelingpowerful.

Exercise8.8:CreatingPowerStatementsCreatefivecolumnswiththefollowingheadings:“negativefeeling,”“myroleinit,”“preferredfeeling,”“powertochange,”and“powerstatement.”

PowerChart

Step 1. Negative feeling: Begin by looking at the column in your DistressAssessment Chart that contains words that describe how situations make youfeelwithregardtothestateofnotbeingenough.Writethosewordsdowninthe

firstcolumnofthePowerChart,labeled“negativefeeling.”

Step2.Myroleinit:Thinkaboutwhatroleyouhadinco-creatingthisfeeling.Ask yourself: Inwhat way do I also causemyself to have this feeling?Do Idisrespectmyself?HowdoIdisrespectmyself?DoIbetraymyself?etc.

Step3.Preferredfeeling:Thinkabouttheoppositeofthenegativefeelingandwhat you really want to feel. If you feel disrespected, then choose respected;seenorheardtoreplaceinvisibleorignored;valuedtoreplacedevalued,andsoforth.

Step4.Powertochange:ThisiswhereyourpreviousTMIassessmentcomesin handy and other exercises you have done thus far that guide you to actionstepsthatsupportyoupositivelyandareinyourpowertochange.Whatcanyoudo to support yourself to feel better and be healthier and more empowered?Whatarealternatebehaviorsyoucanemploythatarehealthierandmorelovingtowardyourself?FilloutthiscolumnbasedonyourTMIassessment.

Step 5. Power statement: Once you have figured out what your preferredfeelingandwhatmaybeinyourpowertochange,createapowerstatementoutofit.

ExamplePowerChart

Exercise8.9:PuttingItAllTogetherOnceyoufillinthechart,youwillhavealistofpowerstatementsavailableforyouintimesofneed.Theprocessthatbringseverythingtogetherthatyouhavelearnedthusfarmightlooksomethinglikethis:

Example:Youaresittingon the toiletcryingand fuming.Youfeelpowerless,disrespected,andangry.

Step1:PAWSPausewithpowerbreaths,acknowledge,witness,andseparate.Breathein,count1-2-3.Breatheout,count1-2-3-4-5.Dothisforatleastfourcyclesofbreath,whileacknowledgingandwitnessingthesensationsinyourbodyandwhatyouarefeeling.Onthefifthcycle,breathein,count1-2-3.Breatheout,count1-2-3-4-

5,andaskyourself,“Whatorhowisthismakingmefeelwithregardtonotbeingenough(i.e.,disrespected,invisible,devalued)?”Observewithoutjudgmentthefeelingthatcomesforward.Continueyourpowerbreathsasyoucomeupwiththefeeling.

Step2:LabelandassessTMI

Ifyouhaven’talreadycreatedalabelforyourDistressAssessmentChart,dosonowandwriteitdown.Takeacloselookatthereasonsyoumayhavebeentriggered(oldmemoryofhurt,lackofsleep,feelingsick,etc.)

Step3:MovetheenergyandgetcenteredContinuetobreathe,dooneofthemovementexercises,orgoforanaturewalk.

Step4:LetgoandreleaseResumepowerbreaths,andduringthefifthoutbreath,saytoyourself,“Ireleasethisfeelingoffeeling_________________(i.e.,disrespected,invisible,devalued)asIhavenouseforthisfeeling.”Asyoudoso,imaginethatyouarereleasingthefeelingortheenergyofthefeelingintotheclouds,theearth,theocean,oranywhereelseyouwanttosendit.Continueyourpowerbreathsandrepeatingthisstatementforatleast

fivecyclesofbreath.

Step5:StateyourpowerstatementAsyoucontinueyourpowerbreaths,switchovertorepeatingyourpowerstatement:“Ichoosetofeel__________________(i.e.,respected,supported,orloved),soIalignwiththisfeelingoffeeling__________________andembodythefeelingof______________nowandinthefuture.Infact,Ireallyenjoythisfeelingof____________________andchoosetostayfeeling_____________________.”RepeattheStep5powerstatementsatleastfiveorsixtimes,thentake

noteofhowyoufeel.Thisisalsoagoodtimetoassumeapowerpose.

Thispracticemaynotmakeyoufeelcompletelybetter,especiallynotrightaway(thoughitcan),butitwillstartcreatingchangewithinyousothatyouarelesslikelytobepushedoverboardinsubsequentnegativesituations.Youmayneedtorepeatthestatementsforawholedayandsometimeslonger.Themoreyoudoit, however, themore you reprogramyourself to shift away from the negativestoryandmoveintoyourstoryofsuccessandempowermentpermanently.

I

Chapter9

LaughandLetGo

“Laughteristhetonic,therelief,thesurceaseforpain.”—CharlieChaplin

maginethis:Youareinyourpower.Youfeelconfidentandopentowhatlifehasinstoreforyou.Youareinthepresentmoment,andasyoulookatyour

life and at yourself, you realize it is really onemovie, and you get to choosewhether it isadramatic tragedyora romanticcomedy.Youalsoget tochoosewhether you wait your entire life for a happy ending or decide to have acontinuoushappyjourney,understandingthatifyouwaitforahappyending,forthat somethingperfect thatdoesn’texist,nothingwilleverbeenoughandyouwillbeperpetuallydisappointedanddepletedandyes,stressed.IremembercomingtothisrealizationlongagowhenImetacolleaguefora

businesslunchatanearbyrestaurant.Aswehadourmeeting,Ibecamealittledistractedbecausealittleboy,perhapsthreeyearsofage,startedmakingfunnyfaces—not at me or anyone in particular, but just experimenting with themuscles of his face and entertaining himself. His mom, who appeared to behavingaseriousconversationwithanotheradult, intermittentlychidedhimfornoteatinghisfoodandtogethisfaceoffofhiscup(heoftenmusheditagainsthismouth).Hethenproceededtonotlistentohismom,jumpedoffhischair,andlaiddownon the floor.Every timehis face touched thecoolceramic floor,hewouldgiggle.Itmademegiggletoo.Hismother,asmostadultswouldbe,wasannoyed,worriedthathewouldpick

upterriblegerms,andangrythathewasnotbehavingashewastaught.Kudostoher that shedidnotyellor raisehervoice,having insteadscoldedhimquietlyandplacedhimbackinhischair.Hedidn’tcry,buthewasquitedisappointed.Hispancakeswerenotasinterestingasthefloor,buttheiceinhisdrinkwas!Would I have done the same thing if Iwere themother in this situation? I

wondered. Probably. Iwould have been annoyedwithmy child for disturbingpeople, including me, and if I were sleep-deprived, upset about something,worried,oranxious, thechancesthatIwouldbeangrywithmychildarequitehigh.IrealizedthatifIweretotrulypracticebeinginthepresentmoment,witha

childlikestateofaweandcuriosity,Iwouldprobablywanttoliedownandputmyfaceonthefloortoo,tofeelthecoldnessofthetileandseewhatitwaslike.Iwouldprobablygiggle like a three-year-old, given the chance. It surewouldhavemademyseriousmeetingmorepalatable,nottomentionthatthegigglingwould certainly have easedmy tensemuscles and probably have gone a longwayinhelpingmemanagemystress.

WhyLaughterEasesStressIfyouthinkaboutit,laughterishighlysocialandpartofthehumanwayoflifethatallowsustobondandgetthroughdifficulttimes.Whenyoulaugh,itisrarethatothersdon’tlaughwithyou,asitisusuallycontagious.Whenpeoplelaughtogether,theirguardsarebroughtdown,self-controlgetsthrownoutthewindow,and a sense of togetherness occurs. When you feel bonded and united withothers,yoursenseofbelongingandhavingsocialsupportimproves.Havingthissupportimproveswell-beingandtheabilitytohandleadversity,strengthensyourinfrastructure,andlowersstress.Humorandespecially laughteraregreat formsof stress relief.Laughter, for

instance, stimulates physical changes in the body, including the increase ofcirculatingendorphins,orhappy,feel-goodchemicals.Likeprogressivemusclerelaxation, laughter induces an increase of the stress response and muscletension, followed by relaxation and a reduced heart rate, respiratory rate, andblood pressure. Though studies are inconclusive, laughter may improve yourimmunesystem,moodandoxygenconsumption,andrelievepain.Laughterisagoodno-side-effectinterventionformanagingstress.21As human beings,we naturally bring humor into hard situations to help us

temperthepainofamemory.Thinkaboutasituationthathappenedtoyouinthepastthatwasextremelydifficultatthetimebutnowyouretellasafunnystory.Howlongdidittakeyoutobeabletodothatwiththatparticularmemory?Aretheresomememoriesyousimplycannotfindanyhumorin?Thedeeperthewound,themorehurtyouholdonto,andthemorelikelythis

memorywillserveasatriggertoyourdistress.Whenyoubringhumorintotheequation,youchangethelensofhowyouviewthememory.Youlightenitupa

bit, which offers you a more open perspective that enables you to see thesituationmoreobjectively.Inshort,humorandlaughterhelpyouletgoofyourattachmenttothenegativememoriesandbeliefs,turndownyourstressresponse,connect to a happier mood and therefore happier memories, and ultimately,managepainfulorstressfulsituationsbetter.

Exercise9.1:AppraisingwithHumorStep 1: Bring your thoughts back to a time when you felt humiliated,humbled,or embarrassedby someoneelse’s actions.Letyourself feel thepain of the experience, without reliving it. Simply observe the body’sphysicalresponseandtheemotionsthatcomeforward,asyouhavelearnedtodo.

•Doyoufeelcontractedorexpansive?•Howwouldyoulabelwhatyouarefeeling?•Whataboutthesituationwashumiliating?•Howdiditmakeyoufeelaboutyourself?•Howdidand/ordoyoufeelaboutthepersonorpersonsthatenabledthissituationtohappen?

•Writeoutyourthoughts,answers,andobservations.

Step2:ImplementPAWS.

•Inhaledeeplyandexhalecompletely.•Observethebreathasitmovesinandout.

•Observethechestasitrisesandfalls.•Witnessthewayyouarefeelingwhilealsoobservingthebreathasitmovesinandout.

•Separateyourselffromtheexperienceasyoupracticemindfulawarenessofthepresentmoment.

Step 3: Allow yourself to take a step back so that you can look at theexperience as if you arewatching a comedymoviewithmain charactersandsupportingactors.

•Observethemovieandnoticewhichofthescenesarequitefunny,orcouldbe.

•Willitbeaslapstickcomedy,withsomeonetrippingorfalling?•PerhapsitwillbeaWoodyAllen–likemovie,wherethecomedycomeswithwordsandsubtlenuances?

•Writeoutthenewstory.

Studies have shown that humor is an optimal strategy to cope with negativesituations, especiallywhen reappraising latermemories, as ithelpspeople feelbetterwhenconfrontedwithnegativestimuliwithoutskewingorminimizingthememory itself.22Beingable to lookatyour lifewithhumor, therefore,enablesyoutohonorthememory,yourfeelings,andthesituation,whilealsogivingyouthe chance to see the bigger perspectivewithout contracting into your smallerSelfand falling intoanegative thinkingandbehavingpattern.Themoreoftenyou are able to find humor in your life, the better youwill be at reappraisingwithhumoronaregularbasis.

LighteningUpandBeingUnapologeticForme,laughterandhumorreflectmorethanjustimprovedcopingstylesortheability to socialize better. They are also my segues to lightening up andbecoming more childlike, open, curious, and amused by life, rather thanthreatenedbyit.Childrendon’tapologizeforbeingthemselves.Theysimplyare.Theyarenot

tormentedbythepastorbyexpectationsofafuturethatisyettohappen.Theydon’tcareyetwhatothersthink.Children,byvirtueofbeingcuriouscreatures,want to explore, learn, touch, feel, giggle, or snort.Most adults, on the otherhand,havelosttheirchildlikesenseofplayandcuriosityandareusuallyriddledwith fear based on past experiences or being judged, or worry regardingexpectationsofthefuture.Adultsdopossess,however,afullyfunctioningmindandtheabilitytodiscern,learn,orgrowfrompastexperiences,enablingthemtomakewisechoicesregardingthefuture.Thekeyistocombineone’schildlikesenseofplaywiththewisdomofhaving

livedwithoutfallingpreytofearandnegativity.Icallitlighteningup.Lighteningupmeansnottakingyourselfandsituationssoseriouslyandbeing

lightofheart,openinmind,andunapologeticforwhoyouare.Wewereallbroughtuptomeettheexpectationsofothersandtoldtobehave

inacertainwaythatinevitablywasdoneattheexpenseofourspiritandnaturalpersonality. Most of us have been following the rules and meeting theexpectationsof others for so long,we findourselveswonderingwhowe trulyare, often having trouble making decisions, and feeling selfish if we wantsomethingdifferentorinsecureifwedonotfittheperfectmold.Stepping into your powermeans you get to be unapologetic for being you

whilealsogettingtolaughatyou.You can be unapologetic for being rambunctious, havingmessy hair, being

someonewhomanagestospill thingsortripeverywhereshegoes,beingsmartandabitfunny,gettingmadorhurtsometimes,andbeinggentleandkind.Youcanbeunapologeticforbeingyouandlaughatyourimperfections.Themoreyoustandinyourpower,themoreyoucanacceptyourselfforwho

you are—your humanness, your strengths, and your weaknesses. You can getclosertothisstatebybringinglaughterandhumorintoyourlife.Themoreyouare in your power, the more you will laugh and be able to connect to yourchildlikestateofbeing.

MovingtheNegativeEnergywithLaughter

There aremany options available to you towork on your funny bone and tobringmorehumorintoyourlife,includingwhenyouareangry.Infact,laughter—especiallyintheformoflaughteryoga,comicalposing,andjokejournaling—is a great way to move stress energy. I do find that it is not always easy toemploylaughtertechniquesduringtimesofdistress,butitdoesgeteasiertodoso,especiallyifyouhavedonetheworktohealyourselfandyourmemories,asdescribedinthepreviouschapters.

LaughterYogaLaughteryoga,alsoknownasHasyayoga,isayogapracticethatinvolvesgentlebreathing, stretching, and voluntary laughter. Started in 1995 by Dr. MadanKataria,whobelievedthatlaughtercouldprovidemanybenefitsphysicallyandotherwise,laughteryogawasmeanttobedoneinagroupsetting,wherebyeyecontactandgrouplaughtereventuallyledtogenuinecontagiouslaughter.Idon’tmeanlittlegiggleshereandthere.Imeanthebigbellylaughterthatmakesyoureyes water and your stomach ache. You know, the one that is catching andusuallymakeseveryonearoundyoulaughtoo.Thekeyhereisthatthelaughterisdonewithothers,notatothers,foratleast

ten to fifteenminutes.The laugh is adeepand loud laugh, coming fromdeepwithin,soitisavirtualreleaseofpent-upenergy.Youcanimaginehowcatharticthismightbe.Youmightimaginethatbythetimeyouarereallybellylaughing,all cares and worries are thrown out the window, allowing you to be morechildlikeandplayful.Giventhatwhenyouarestressedyoumaynothavetheabilitytojumpintoa

class for laughter yoga, it is possible to practice on your own, which I dorecommend.Why?Becausethemoreyoupracticelaughing,thebetteryouwillbe at commanding your body to laugh when needed (like commanding yourmuscles to relaxwhenpracticingprogressivemuscle relaxation), and themorerelaxedandplayfulyouwillbecomeoverall.Themorerelaxedandplayfulyoufeel, the greater the chance that you will feel unapologetic. The practicenormallyinvolvesfirstclapping,thenbreathing,thenlaughing.23

Exercise9.2:SoloLaughterYogaStep1:Warm-up

•Rhythmicallyclapyourhandstogether,makingsurethereisfullcontactofallpartsofthepalmofthehandandfingers.

•Whiledoingso,chant“Ho,ho,ha,ha,ha!”repeatedly,atleastthreetimes.Clappingofthehandstogetherisbelievedtostimulateacupressurepointsandgetenergymovingaround,whilethechantactivatesthediaphragmandgetsthebodytobreathemoredeeply.

•Youcanmoveyourhandsupanddown,orswingthemfromsidetoside,continuingtoclaprhythmicallywiththesounds

Step2:Powerbreaths

•Toensurethatyoubreatheinandoutfromdeepwithinthebelly,youcandoafewpowerbreaths,raisingyourarmsupandsmilingasyoubreathein,andlettingyourarmsfallbackdownandrelaxingasyoubreatheout.

Step3:Activatelaughter—thelaughtergradient

•Beginbysmiling.•Slowlystarttochuckle.•Allowthechuckletobuildupsothatyoustartlaughing.Laughharderandlouderuntilyoupeakwithloudbellylaughter.

•Feelfreetoflailaboutandslapyourknees.•Slowlybringthatlaughterdowntoachuckle.•Quietdownthechuckleuntilyouaresmilingagain.

Step4:Centeringandgroundingthelaughter

•Doyourpowerbreathsandlaughifandwhenyoufeellikeitfortwotothreeminutes.

•Whenyouareready,sitquietlywithyourpowerbreaths,allowingyourbodytocomeintoacalmandgroundedstate,foraslongasyouneedto.

ComicalPosingIn theprevious chapter, youpracticedholdingposes thatwould enable you tofeelmorepowerful.Youcanholdtheseposeswithatwistofcomedytobringalightness to your mood and situation without causing you to feel worse,ashamed,orlessthan.

Exercise9.3:Superman/SuperwomanwithaTwistIforwhenyouarefeelingtheangerriseup,dothefollowing:

•Assumethesuperman/superwomanpose.•Putonacapeorimagineyouareactuallywearingacape.•Walkaroundasifyourmusclesareswollenandbig,withyourhandsonyourhipsandlegsoutstretchedasyouwalk(nobendattheknees).

•Talkoutloudabouthowyouwilluseyoursuperpowerstovanquishtherascals.

Exercise9.4:CurseLikeaForeigner•Standwithyourlegsspreadshoulder-widthapart.•Holdonearmupwithelbowbentandfingerpointedtothesky.•Cursewithaforeignaccentorapirate’saccent.

JokeJournalingWhenyou findyourselfupset about something, especiallywhenyounote thatyouarelikelyoverreacting,sitdownandwriteaboutthesituationasifitwereaslapstick or romantic comedy, or if you can, write three or four jokes. Forexample,youcangobacktothescenariowhenyoucamehometoadirtyhousewith screaming children.You canwrite about a scenewhere you tripped oversomethingandthenmanagedtodoasomersaultintheair,whilesimultaneouslygrabbing a dust cloth and single-handedly cleaning the room before landingperfectlyonyourfeet.Thisisyourchancetobecreative.Giveyourselfatleastfive minutes to write, and don’t think too hard about it. Have fun with theprocess.

Exercise9.5:ComedicWriting•Writeoutafewdetailsdescribingwhathappenedtomakeyouangry.•Writethewordsdownfromthestoryonanothersheetofpaper,butthistime,keeplargegapsorspacesbetweenthewords.

•Insertsentences,cursewords,oranythingelseyoulike,includingpictures,

inbetweenthewordstocreateacomedicstory.

CenteringandGroundingwithJoyandLaughterPracticinglaughteryogaisagreatstarttogettinggrounded,especiallywhenyouallowyourselftoembodythefeelingfully.Inaddition,youcanplayinnatureoruseyourimagination.

Exercise9.6:MindfulPlayinNature•Findaplaceinnaturewhereyoucanfeelsafetorelaxandletgo.•Practicemindfulness,butdosoasifyouwereacuriouschildseeingthingsforthefirsttime.

•Pickupbrancheswithasenseoflightnessandcuriosity.•Liedownonthegroundandfeeltheearthbeneathyou.•Smelltheflowers,skip,andinhalethebreezeintoyourlungs.

Ifyoudonotwant togooutsideorare inasituationwhereyoucan’t leaveorshowoutwardexpressionofbeingachild,youcanvisualizewhilesittingquietlyinstead.Doing this exercisewill certainly put a smile on your face andmakepeoplewonderwhatyouareupto!

Exercise9.7:Visualize•Startbyimaginingyourselfasachild.•Seeyourselfrunningaround,laughinghysterically,simplynotcaringaboutanythingbuthowfunnysomethingis.

•Imaginethatyouareskipping,hopping,giggling,andsnorting—allinyourimaginationofcourse.

•Letyourimaginationrunwildandhaveagoodtime!

The minute you implement humor or laughter, you start the process ofredirectingyourstressinamorepositivedirectionsothatyouarebetterabletoobserveasituationforhowithasmadeyoufeel,labelit,andcreateandactivatea power statement that best suits you. Assume a power pose and then walkaroundlikeatopmodelorsuperheroandthencurseinaforeignlanguage,which

willcertainlyenableyoutofeelmorepowerfulyetlighthearted.Youcanalsouseyourgoodhumortoredirectconflictsordisagreementsand

toeasetensionandtempers.Keepinmindthatifyoutrytousehumorwhenyouarereallydistressed,youmayendupmakingsnideremarksthatarehurtfulandinsensitive, as you are simply trying to cover up your emotions with humorratherthanredirectthem.Forthisreason,youwanttomovetheenergyandgetcenteredfirst.Whencenteredandgrounded,youaremoreabletousehumorandplayfulnesstoopenuppathwaysofcommunicationandcompassion.

MaintenanceofYourFunnyBoneInordertotapintoyoursenseofhumor,especiallyduringdifficulttimes,itisagood idea to work on honing and maintaining your funny bone on a regularbasis.Ifyouuseit,youwon’tloseit.Morethanthis,anymeasureyoucantaketoengageyourfunnyboneandtohelpyoukeepapositivementalattitudewillbenefitnotonlyyourmoodbutalsoyourhealthandyour relationships.Thinkabout it: the lighter you are, the less seriously you take yourself, and the lessupsetyouwillbewhenlifedoesn’tgoasplanned.Herearesomeactivitiesyoucanpartakeinregularlytostrengthenyoursense

ofhumor:

1.Lookforhumorinalltherightplaces.Makeaneffort,atleastonceaweek,towatchafunnymovieorTVshow.Youmaychoosetoreadthecomics,gotoacomedyclub,readafunnybook,orgotoayogalaughterclass.

2.Smileasoftenasyoucan,fornoreason.Ifyoulookaroundyou,youmightnoticethatmostpeoplearecaughtupintheirthoughtsandrarelysmile.Takeituponyourselftosmilefornoreason.Youmightfindtheworldstartssmilingwithyou.Andiftheydon’t,theywillwonderwhatyouareupto.

3.Scheduleplaytime.Atleastonceaweekandifpossible,onceaday,schedulesometimetoplay.Youcandoanythingthatfeedsyourcreativeside.Youmaywishtodraw,paint,sculpt,dojigsawpuzzles,ordosomesortofsportsactivityforfun.Whateveryouchoosetodo,aimforatleasttwentyminutes,whichwillgiveyourbrainabreakandhelpyoufeelmorerelaxedandrefreshedafter.

4.Spendtimewithpeoplewhomakeyoulaughandhappy.

Themoreyousurroundyourselfwithpeoplewhomakeyoulaughandhappy,themorelikelyyouwillberemindedthatyourlifeisprettydarngoodandthatyouhavealottobethankfulfor,especiallyfunnyandlivelyfriends.Remember,laughteriscontagious.

5.Keepagratitudejournal.Onesurefirewaytobeontheroadtoangryistofeelsorryforyourselfandunlucky.Theluckieryoufeel,thelesslikelyyouwillblowupwhenlifedoesn’tgoyourway.Takeafewminutesdailytowritedownthreeorfourreasonsyoufeelgrateful.Makealistinwhichyouarecountingyourblessings.

6.Spendtimewithchildren.Asadults,weforgethowtobeplayfulandhowtoseetheworldwithanopenheart.Spendtimewithchildrenandobservethem.Trytobesillywiththemorsimplyhaveachatwiththem.

7.Laughwithyourself.Laughwithyourselfasoftenasyoucan,seeingthelightersideofyourways,withoutputtingyourselfdown.Thelessseriouslyyoutakeyourself,thelesseasilyyouwillbetriggered.

8.Strikeapose.Haveadailypracticeinfrontofyourmirrorofstrikingyoursuperherocomicpose.Walkaroundyourhousewithyourfingerintheairandspeakwithaforeignaccentwhenyouaretellingyourfamilytheplansfortheday.

Y

Chapter10

GettoCompassionandForgiveness

“Whenyou lookdeeply intoyour anger, youwill see that thepersonyou callyourenemyisalsosuffering.Assoonasyouseethat,thecapacityforacceptingandhavingcompassionforthemisthere.”

—ThichNhatHanh

ou are pissed off, and youwant to get even.Youwant to see the personwho hurt you suffer. They deserve it. It would feel good to see justice

playingout.True?Would you get satisfaction from seeing the offender suffer?Would it

easeyourtensionandanger?Thetruthisthatifyoudoexperienceanyelationaftergettingrevenge,itisnot

usuallylong-lasting.Intheend,whenyouractionscomefromaplaceofanger,fear,andhatred,theresultisnevergood.Whatsortofactionwouldstemfromthisnegativeplaceanyway?Would it be something thatwouldalignyouwithfeelinggoodaboutyourselfasaperson?Indeed, researchsuggests thatgettingrevengedoesn’toffermuchhappiness.Rather,itappearsthatpeoplewhoexactvengeance are angrier after completing the act of revenge compared to thoseindividualswhodidnothaveachanceto.24For example, college students were challenged with playing an investment

gamewiththefollowingpotentialtwooutcomes:everyonecooperates,everyonebenefitsequally.Onepersonrefusestoinvest,thatpersonbenefitsattheexpenseofthegroup.Withineachgroup,therewasasecretexperimenter,calledthefreerider,whoconvincedthegroupmemberstoinvestequallybutactuallydidnotgoalongwiththeplanwhenthetimecametoputupthemoney.Thesefreeridersgainedmorethantwicethemoneythattherestofthegroupreceived.Someofthe groups were also offered some ways to get revenge on the free rider byspendingtheirearningstopunishthisperson.Whoeverwasgiventheoptiontogetrevenge,did.Inotherwords,nooneoptedout.Participantsthencompleted

thesurvey,whichshowedthatallgroupsbelievedtheywouldfeelbetteriftheyhad theopportunity for revenge, even thegroup thatwashappiest at the start.Interestingly, thegroup thatdidget revenge feltworseafter theact than thosewhohadnothadthechanceto.24Thesignificanceofthisstudyisinitstriviality.Imagineifthesituationwere

direr when your emotions are highly charged and your actions spiteful. Thelikelihoodisthatyouwouldnotfeelgoodaboutyourselfbecauseyouhadbeenbetrayedandbecauseyouactedunkindly.Itwouldbealose-losesituation.Though revenge may offer temporary satisfaction, in the end, it hurts you

more.Similartodrinkingalcohol,takingdrugs,orpartakinginanyothertypeofaddictivebehavior,actingoutwithrevengestemsfromaverylowplaceinyoursearch to feel better, which means the act will only help for a minute andeventuallyleadtofeelingworse.Inthiscase,youarealsohurtingsomeoneelse,whichmaynegativelyaffectyourpsychemorethanyourealize.Whymightyouwantrevenge?Becauseyouareangrythatsomeonedaredto

take your power away and devalue you, and youwant to regain your power,especiallyoverthewrongdoer.Foodforthought,though—ifyouneverlostyourpowertobeginwith,wouldyoustillwantrevenge?The truth is, you can choose to give your power away and act out with

revenge,orstand inyourpowerandact fromyourhighestSelf for thehighestgood.It’syourchoice.

TheWolfYouFeedAnoldCherokee legend tells a story of an old grandfatherwho speaks to hisgrandsonaboutwhy there is violence and cruelty in theworld.He says tohisgrandson,“Ineachhumanheart,therearetwowolvesbattlingoneanother.Oneisfearfulandangry,andtheotherisunderstandingandkind.”Thegrandsonthenasks, “Which one will win?” His grandfather answers, “Whichever one wechoosetofeed.”Whichwolfwithinyouwillyoufeed,andwhatareyougoingtofeedit?Will

youfeedthewolfofangerandrevengeorthewolfofloveandcompassion?

Exercise10.1:ConnectingwithCompassionStep1:Thinkaboutatimewhenyoufeltwonderful,perhapsatimewhenyoufellinloveorhadagreatsuccessatworkorplay.Imaginethattime

rightnow.

•Noticehoweventhemerethoughtofsuchatimeallowsyourhearttoopenandasmiletoformonyourface.

•Takenoteofhowyourbodyfeels.Isittenseorrelaxed?Isyourheartopenorclosed?Yourmindtenseoratease?

•Takenoteofhowmuchisbotheringyouwhenyouallowyourselftostayfocusedonthiswonderfultime.

•Imaginenowthatyouareextendingcompassionfromyourhearttotheworld.

•Noticehowthisfeelsinyourbody.•Writedownyourexperience.

Step2:Nowthinkoftheoppositescenario—atimewhenyoufelttired,overwhelmed,unhappyaboutthewayyoulooked,ordissatisfiedwithyourlifeoranoutcomeofsomethingimportanttoyou.

•Takenoteofthesensationsyouexperienceinyourbody.•Doesyourheartfeelopenorclosed?Doesyourbodyfeeltenseorrelaxed?Doesyourmoodchangeoverall?Doesyourchestexpandorcontract?Isyourmoodpositiveornegative?

•Trytosendcompassionfromyourheartouttotheworld.•Notetheexperienceandwriteitdown.

Thisexerciseismeanttoguideyoutoobservethetwoexpressionsofyourself:your higher Self and your lower Self, superhero versus victim, loving andcompassionate versus fearful and angry, and so on.Making the choice not tofeedthevictimwithinyouandinsteadtofeedthelovingsuperhero(orpeacefulwarrior)isyourchallenge.You can’t be blamed forwanting revengewhen angry, especiallywhenyou

havebeenwoundedandwhenyouaretriggered.Butisthatthewolfyouwanttofeed?What if you chose to understand that all human beings suffer, and it isfromthissufferingthatwehurtothers.Wouldyouwanttobeapartofthecyclethatcontinuesthissuffering,orenditbychoosingtoforgive?

CompassionandForgivenessItisn’teasytoforgive,justasitischallengingtoletgoofhurts,anditcantakeyearsandyearsforpaintodiminish,letalonedisappear.Itisofcoursethispainthat causes you to feel distressed and react with anger or revenge. This verysamepaincanguideyoutouncoveringandhealingoldwoundssothatyoucantruly stand in your own power and strength of character and live your truepotentialfilledwithlove,joy,andsuccess.Itisfromthisplacethatforgivenessispossible.Understandthat forgiveness isnotaboutcondoningpoorbehaviorbutrather

offeringagiftofcompassionforthepersonwhohaswrongedyoubecauseyouknow they suffer while also offering compassion toward yourself because ofyoursuffering.Whenyoumanage toget toaplaceof forgiveness,yousucceed indeciding

that youwant to live fromyour highestSelf andpotential, rather than lowest,knowing that despite your pain, youwill grow, learn, and love. The key is torememberthatthisplaceofpower,love,andcenteringiswithinyouandneverleavesyou,eveninthehardestoftimes.AsThichNhatHanhwroteinhisbookAngerinreferencetocompassionand

forgiveness,“Whenitisraining,wethinkthatthereisnosunshine.Butifweflyhighinanairplaneandgothroughtheclouds,werediscoverthesunshineagain.Weseethatthesunshineisalwaysthere.Inatimeofangerordespair,ourloveisstilltherealso.Ourcapacitytocommunicate,toforgive,tobecompassionateisstill there.Youhave tobelieve this.Wearemore thanouranger,wearemorethanoursuffering.Wemustrecognizethatwedohavewithinusthecapacitytolove,tounderstand,tobecompassionate.”25

CompassionandForgivenessAlwaysStartwithYouYoucannotforceyourselfor“try”tobecompassionate,centered,orotherwise.Ifyouarestressed,overwhelmed,sleep-deprived,andnotfunctioningfromyourbliss,theattempttobecompassionateisjustthat—anattempt.Theefforttobecompassionateisofcoursebetterthananefforttobevengeful,buttheresultwillnotbeoneofhelpingyou,not theotherperson,feelbetter in theend,butwillratherresultinresentmentonyourpartandmorenegativebehaviorontheotherperson’spart. I’m sureyou can thinkof a situation inyour current lifewith afriend, colleague, spouse, or family member where you tried to becompassionateanditbackfired.Ifyouaretrying,youarenotbeing.Period.Youeitherarecompassionateoryouarenot.Youareeitherbeingpresentand

mindfulornot.Youareeitheratpeaceornot.Andifyouarenot,youcultivateit.Thismeansyoutakecareofyourselffirst.TakeaPAWS.Pauseandbecomemindful of the way you feel, of your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and theinteractionthatyouaretakingpartof.Stepbackandwitness.Breatheinandout.Observeanddonotjudge.Giveyourselfsomebreathingspace.Whenyoucreatethe breathing space, you create an opportunity for change, growth, andcompassion to come in, along with the hearing, listening, speaking, andunderstandingthatisnotinfluencedbynegativejudgment,emotions,orbeliefs.Youcreatespaceforthehealingofyourheartsothatyoucanhavespaceinyourheartforanotherpersonandtheirsuffering.Thepracticecangosomethinglikethis:

Exercise10.2:BreathinginSpaceforCompassion1.SlowdownyourthoughtsandjusttakeamomenttoPAWS.Takethreeto

fivepowerbreaths.2. Acknowledge thatyouareangryandvalidatehowyouare feeling.You

haveeveryrighttofeelthewayyoudo.3.Witnesswhatyouarefeelingandthesensationsthatyouareexperiencing.

Begin to label the experience (this is a situation of disrespect, dishonor,etc.).

4. Separate yourself from the emotion and circumstance as you label theexperience and understand that you do not have to fall into the trap ofdramaandanger.Doyourpowerbreaths.

5. When you are ready, breathe in compassion and love into your heartcenter. When you exhale, let go of everything else—your thoughts,emotions, confusion, memories, and so forth. Breathe in love andcompassion,andletgoofeverythingelsethatisinyourmind,body,andespeciallyheart.Dothisforanotherfivetotenpowerbreaths.

6.Connecttobeauty.Ifyouareoutside,lookupatthesky,smelltheflowers,listen to theraindrops,or feel thebreezeonyourskin. Ifyouare inside,use your imagination to remember a time in nature, appreciating theexperienceusingallyoursenses.

7.Connectwiththeloveandcompassionwithinyourheartwiththebeautyofnatureandyourfeelingsofappreciationandgratitude.

8.Observehowyoufeelnow,andifyouwish,writeaboutit.

Didyounoticehowmuchlighteryoufeltbytheend,moreopenandloving?In

thisstate,youaremorecapableofbeingtrulycompassionateandunderstanding.Without nourishing yourself, especially your heart, you cannot have the fullcapacitytobeforgivingorcompassionateforanother.Forthisreason,theprocessofcompassionandforgivenessalwaysstartswith

you.Youtakecareofyoufirstandthenre-evaluatehowyoufeel.Itmaytakealongtimetogettoaplacewhereyoucanbeforgivingorevenopentoit,butthatisokay.Themoreyouhealyourself,thebetteryouwillbeinlifeinthelongrun,which is why sometimes, compassion for yourself may come in the form ofdoingalittlere-parenting.

Re-ParentingYouIf youwere to recognize thatwithin you is still a little boy or girlwho feelsunloved and not good enough, you might be more mindful of being good toyourselfandupholdinglovingandself-carebehaviorsonaregularbasis.Realizethat themore youdonot take care of yourself, themore you ignore this littlechild.Themoreunlovedand ignored this littlechild feels, themoreoftenyouwillbetriggeredingettingangryinchallengingsituations.It,therefore,maybenefityoutore-parentyourself.Whatdoesitmeantore-parent?Itsimplymeansyoumakesureyougotobed

early, take your vitamins, eat healthy, think good thoughts, take time to play,haveplay-dates,andsoon.Italsomeansthatsometimes,whenyouPAWS,youuseyourimaginationtodoalittlecuddlingwithayoungerversionofyourself,an especially effective method to use when you are feeling distraught,overwrought, and angry, as it is a very definitive way of showing yourselfcompassion. Soothing your own heart enables you to stay more open andcapableofunderstandingsomeoneelseandthepaintheymaybeexperiencing.

Exercise10.3:Re-ParentingVisualization1. OnceyouPAWS,closeyoureyesandbreatheloveandcompassioninto

yourheartcenterasyoudidinthepreviousexercise.2.Imaginethatasyoubreatheinandout,yourheartgentlybeginstoopen.3.Envisionayoungerversionofyourself.4.Seeyourselfenvelopingthisyoungerversionofyourselfinyourarms.5. Holdhimorher close and then look intohisorher eyes and say these

words,“I seeyou. Ihearyou. Iunderstandyou. I loveyou.”Repeat the

samesequenceofwordsanotherthreeorfourtimes,holdingtheyoungerversionofyouclosetoyouropenheart.

6. Note how you feel, particularly the state of your heart and level ofemotionalintensity.

7.Writedownyourobservationsifyouwish.

Combining this soothing visualization with the compassion and gratitudepracticewillsetyoufasteronthepathtofeelingatpeaceandbeingabletomoreeasily let go and forgive because your heartwill bemore open.Toopenyourheartevenmore,youcanalsogetbackintouchwiththerambunctious,playful,andjoyfulsideofyou.

DancingBabiesDoyourememberthedancingbabythatfirstappearedinthe1990s?(I’msorryif thisexamplepre-datesyou.)IrememberitfromanoldTVshowcalledAllyMcBeal,wherethemaincharacter,Ally,wouldfrequentlyhavehallucinationsofseeing a baby dancing (of course in the most inopportune and stressfulsituations).ItwasbackthenthatIrealizedthisvisualizationwasquiteausefultool formeandmypatients,since itbroughtasmile to thefaceandremindedoneofbeingmorecarefreeandsilly.I personally used this imagery several years ago when sitting in a very

stressfulmeetingwithaboardofdirectors.Asthetensionintheroomescalated,

Ifoundmyselffeelingangryandupset,veryclosetostormingoutoftheroom,raisingmyvoice,orboth.Iknewthatneitheractionwouldbewise,soinstead,Iimaginedmyselfasalittlegirl,dancingaroundwithoutacareintheworld.Asthearguingcontinuedaroundme,mylittlegirl-selftwirledandwavedherarmsin the air, causingme to smile and become increasingly less attached towhatwastranspiringintheroom.Whenitwasmyturntospeak,myvoiceremainedcalmandmywordswereobjectiveandrational.Thebestpartwasthateveryoneintentlylistenedtome,andIdidn’tcarewhethertheydidornot.Nowitisyourturntotryitout.

Exercise10.4:Kid-ingAround1. OnceyouPAWS,closeyoureyesandbreatheloveandcompassioninto

yourheartcenterasyoudidinthepreviousexercise.2.Imaginethatasyoubreatheinandout,yourheartgentlybeginstoopen.3.Envisionayoungerversionofyourself,perhapsyourselfasatoddlerora

youngchild.4.Imaginethischilddancing,laughing,twirling,skipping,jumping,ordoing

any other activity you can think of that will make you smile or laughwithin.Thesillierandmorecarefreethemovement,thebetter.

5. Imagineyoucanhearyourfavoritesongin thebackgroundandyouarenow joining this little version of you, shaking your booty, giggling, ortwirling.

6.Notehowyoufeel.

Thegoalofkid-ingistoenableyoutofeellighterandlessattached,andclosertoyourinnateabilitytobejoyfulandfullofappreciation.Themoreun-attachedandjoyfulyouare,themoreconnectedyoucanbewiththepartofyouthatcanforgiveandlivewithcompassion.

GettingtoForgivenessForgiveness is an end-goal that you can hope for and work toward. It is theultimateexperienceoffreedom,ofnotcaring,andofbeingfreeofstress.Knowthatyouareneverunderanyobligationtoforgive,asitisnoteasytogetthere.Trueforgiveness,liketruecompassion,comesfromaplaceofloveandfullness,of being able to understand and accept that all humans suffer and that it is

because of this suffering that we can forgive. True forgiveness is not aboutletting people off the hook formean or hurtful actions, denying or repressingyour own feelings, overlooking anything or anyone, justifying bad behavior,beingcontingentonreligiousparadigms,orbeingthebetterperson.Rather,itisaboutbeing free fromsuffering,distress, fear,hate, anger, resentment, andoldnegativestoriesthathavekeptyouboundandunhappy.Yourheartisopen,fullofloveandcompassionforyourownplightandfortheplightofothers.Forgiveness isnota singleact thatyoudoonce ina lifetime.Rather, it isa

processthattakestime,oftenalotoftime,tounderstandandworkthroughyourowndistress,healyourself,andfindcompassionwithinyourselffirstbeforeyoucanexpandyourgoodwilloutward.Forgiveness,inotherwords,isastateyougettowhenyouarereadytorewriteyourstoryofsuccessratherthancontinuetolive in your story of suffering. Forgiveness is letting go of the negativity forgood.Know that from a health perspective, forgiveness is associated with many

improvements, from self-esteem to reduced anxiety and depression, decreasedblood pressure, less substance abuse, a greater sense of well-being andfulfillment,andoverallbetterphysicalhealth.26Sohowdoyougetthere?Someofyoumaybefindingthatafterdoingthepracticesinthisbook,youare

alreadyinaplacethatismoreforgiving,aplacewhereyouarereadytoletgo.Whetheryouareinthisplaceornot,thereisalwaysmoreyoucandototrulybeabletoforgiveandbeinaplaceofblissandpeace.

TheStepstoGetYouThere

1.PAWSit.Keepinmindthatwithoutyouacknowledgingyourownpainandtakingcareofyourself,achievingtruebliss,asopposed todrug-inducedornumbingtypesofbliss,willbenearimpossible.Forthisreason,thefirststepisalwaysgoingtobePAWS, where you stop and acknowledge your feelings, enable yourself toobserveandbeinthepresentmomentandremoveyourselffromtheemotionalintertwiningofthesituationyoufindyourselfin.If you are having thoughts of revenge, for example, take a pause.

Acknowledge and honor that you are hurt and that there is reason you wantrevenge.Takeamomenttonoticehowyourbodyisrespondingtothethoughts.Noticeifthoughtsofrevengecauseyourhearttoopenortoclose.Noticeifthe

thoughtscauseyoutotrulyfeellight,happy,andjoyful,ormorenegative.

2.Takecareofyou.Makeachoicetokeepyourheartopen.Dothebreathexercise,breathinginloveandcompassion.Choosetotakecareofyourightnow.Youmaywanttodothere-parentingpracticefollowedbythekid-ingexerciseaswell.

3.Understandthatweallsuffer.Whenyoufeelyourheart ismoreopen,remindyourself thatallhumanbeingssuffer to someextent.Contemplatehowdeeply thepersonwhohurt youmustsuffer to act the way they did. You are not condoning the behavior at thisjuncturebutsimplyunderstandingtheamountofdeepsufferingapersonhastoexperiencetobehavesobadly.

4.Sharethecompassion.Breatheincompassionandloveintoyourheartuntilthisloveandcompassionisoverflowing.Allow it to flowoutwhere itneeds togo,withouteffortonyourpart.Perhapssettheintentiontoallowthisloveandcompassiontoflowouttootherswhoaresuffering,includingthepersonwhohurtyou.

5.Addinacceptance.Continuetobreatheloveandcompassionintoyourheart,andthenbegintoalsobreathe in acceptance.Breathe in and accept that youhavebeenhurt and thatyouarealsostrongerasaresult.Breatheinandacceptthatthereisanabundanceofhurtexistingintheworld.Breatheinandacceptthatyouwillnotbeanotherpersonthatcontinuestospreadhurtintheworld.

6.Letitgo.Breathe the hurt all out. Breathe out and let go of everything you have beenholdingon to.Breatheoutand letgoofhurt,pain,suffering,yourholdon thepast,yourworriesaboutthefuture,yourblame,shame,oranythingelse.Breatheout and release everything into freedom. All the while, breathe in love,compassion,andacceptance.Breatheout,settingthepainfreeintofreedom.

7.Releaseandforgive.Continuetobreatheinlove,compassion,andacceptanceuntilyourheartisagainso full that the love, compassion, andacceptancebegin tooverflow fromyour

heart without effort. When you begin to feel this love, compassion, andacceptanceoverflowyourheart,imagineyouarereleasingthepersonwhohurtyou fromyourheart, body, andmind into freedomwith forgiveness.Youmaywish to say this phrase as you do so: “I forgive you and release you intofreedom.”Youmaywishtowriteabouthowyouarefeelingoraboutyourexperience.When you release your own fears, anger, and negativity, as well as the

sufferingofothers,intofreedom,youfindbliss.Youarefree.Freefrombindingthoughts,negativity,andsuffering.Youarefreetobehappyandjoyful,asyouweremeanttobe.

I

Epilogue

SeeYourLifeasaMiracle

remember thedaymyniece,Maia,wasplayingwithherdolls, rolling themaround in the dirtwhile giggling to herself. Shemust havebeen about four

yearsold.Thesunshonedownonhersothattherayssurroundedherlikeahalo,whilethegentlebreezeintermittentlycausedhercurlyhairtogetinherface.Atonepoint,shelookedupandsawmegazingather.Curious, she askedme, “Auntie, why do you have that silly smile on your

face?”Ianswered,“IhaveasillysmileonmyfacebecauseIamhappy.”“Whyareyouhappy?”Ianswered,“IamhappybecauseIamlookingatamiracle.”Shelookedatmequizzically,headtilted.“What’samiracle?”“Amiracleiswhensomethingextraordinaryandmagnificenthappens.”Maia tilted her head the other way as she thought about what I said. She

scrunchedhereyebrowsupabitasshetriedtosumitallup.Then she exclaimed, “Oh!” and started jumping up and down and dancing

aboutassheshouted,“I’mamiracle!I’mamiracle!”Sherantohermotherandgrandmother shouting, “Hey Mom! Nona! I’m a miracle!” She ran to hergrandfatherexclaiming,“Saaabbiii!!I’mamiracle!”Notonlywasthisasighttobehold,butitalsomademethink.Whenisthelast

time I thoughtofmyself as amiracle?Whendid children stopbeing told thatthey were miracles? If all of us in the world realized that we were miracles,wouldwesuffersomuch?Wouldwebesoangry,fearful,andstressed?Ifyouthinkabout it, it isprettydamnhardtobeborn.Gettingconceivedis

challengingandpassingthroughthatbirthcanal,evenharder.Managingtogetasfaraswehavenow,nearimpossible.Itisreallyquitemiraculous.Don’tyouthink?See, ifyouwere toawakeneverydayrealizing thatyouwereamiracle like

Maia did, how bad of a mood would you be in?More than fixing your badmood,believinginyourselfasamiraclewouldenableyoutobelieveinyourself

asapowerfulbeingwhocanovercomeadversitytogrow,learn,andforgive.Doesthismeanbelievingyouareamiracletranslatestonevergettingangry?

Unlikely. Therewill always be a situation that is unfair or a personwho actsunkindlyorunjustlythatwillcauseangertorisewithinyou.Believingthatyouareamiracle simplygivesyou thebandwidthnot to take situationspersonallyandtobebetterabletoproblemsolve,orgrowfromyourproblems.Thebetteryou feel about yourself, the less others or negative situations can take thatfeeling away from you. It doesn’t mean you like negative situations or agreewith bad behavior. It justmeans you aren’t taking things to heart and have abetterhandleofseeingyourwaythrough.Inotherwords,youareabletoholdyour balance,maintain your bliss, andmaybe even spread that bliss to othersratherthanspreadingmorehurtandpain.Iurgeyoutocompletethislastexercise,onethatismeanttoremindyouhow

incrediblyvaluableandwonderfulyouare,especiallywhenyouaredownandout.

EpilogueExercise:SuperstarMiracle

•Kneeldownononekneewhiletheotherkneeisbentandthefootisflatonthefloor.Raisebotharmstothesky.

•Screamasloudasyoucan,“I’mamiracle!I’mamiracle!”•Standupanddothesupermanposeasyoustate,“I’mamiracle!I’mamiracle!”

•Spinaroundandskipaboutandsayinasing-songvoice,“I’mamiracle!I’mamiracle!”

•Takenoteofhowyoufeel.•Drawapictureofyourselfinyourpowerposeinthisframe.

ExtraCharts

DistressAssessmentChart

DistressAssessmentChart

Nutrition/MoodLog

Nutrition/MoodLog

Activity/MoodLog

Activity/MoodLog

SoulFamilyAssessmentLog

SoulFamilyAssessmentLog

SleepAssessmentLog

SleepAssessmentLog

PowerChart

PowerChart

M

AFinalNotefromtheAuthor

yhopeforyouisthatthisbookhashelpedyoufindyourbliss,evenwhenyourlifeisn’tgoingasyouplanned.Alwayskeepinmindthatnomatter

thesituation,youhaveachoiceofhowyouproceedandwhetheryoulookatthesituation throughyourvictim lensoryour superhero lens.Somedaysyouwillfeellikeasuperheroandotherdays,notsomuch.Itisuptoyoutomakedailyassessmentsastowhatyoucandotosupportyourselftobeatyourbest.

Just as importantly, it is imperative that you learn to know and love yourselfevenwhenyouareatyourworst.Themoreyoudoso,themorelikelythatyouwilltrulytakecareofyourself.Itiswhenyouareatyourworstthatyouarethemostdepletedandthemostinneedofcare.Whenyoutakecareofyourself,youarelesslikelytogetangryandblowup.

Always remember that bliss is not a far reach away. You always have thecapacitytochoosebliss,andnowyouhavethetoolstoreachforit!

I

Acknowledgments

firstwanttoacknowledgemyeditor,NicoleMele,forapproachingmeaboutwritingthisbook.Iamsogratefulforbeinggiventheopportunitytosharemy

knowledgeandexperienceinsuchadelightfulandaccessibleformat.

Iamalsoextremelygratefultothelovesofmylifewhohelpedmelearntostandinloveandusestresstomyadvantage.Iamofcourse,thankfulformyfamily:mymother and father, Shirley and JacobSelhub;my siblings, Julie andEliyaSelhub;andmybeautifulniece,MaiaSelhub.

IhavesomanylovesinmylifethatitischallengingtolistallthosewhosparkedmyhearttofindthecompassionIneededtohaveformyselfandothers,butmostofall,Iwanttothankmysoulmates—LisaRoss,DorseySchulman,KimberlyWallace, Venita Bell Shaw, Sharon Freedman, Joe Smiddy, Chiara Piovella,Stasia Forsythe Sienna, Michael J. Gelb, Sylvia Frerk, and Beth HoganHamacher.

Lastly, thankyou to all ofmypatients andclientswhohavebeenmygreatestteachers.

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