2012 PROGRAM

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W E E K E N D

COACH

hammer timethe boys hit the steel city swinging

inside this issue:

WOODThe Tam, The Jacket,

The Legend

Inside Lineup

spokesman message 2012

3 President’s Message

3 Vice President’s Message

4 Coach Wood - The Tam, The Jacket, The Legend

6 Hammer Time - The Boys Hit the Steel City

7 Unsportsmanlike Conduct

8 Gameday Line Ups

10 MVP Winner Danny ‘Dinger’ Ciccone

12 MIP Winner Matt ‘8.5’ Goddard

14 2011 Photos

Oskee Pee Pee

Angelo “King Kong” Mosca of Tiger Cat and NWA wrestling fame talking here. Hey, I come from North Boston where the men are tough and the women are angry and hairy. I gotta tell you, growing up in north Boston teaches one thing. Thats survival. So when that sum-bitch Joe Kapp shoved a bunch of pansies up in my mug at the CFL Alumni dinner, I only thought of one thing.

FRICKIN’ ZOMBIE!!!

Yeah, I know, Joe ain’t no Zombie, but I’m 3 years older than Christ and I get confused easy. I forgot to drink my Ensure that morning and my blood sugar was low. Diabetes is a real ball-buster. What are you gonna do?

So I take a swing at Joe with my cane, catch him on those pop-bottle spectacles of his. Kapp comes back and cracks me on the kisser. Down I go like Ursula Andress on Frank Sinatra after a night at the Pump Room in Chicago. Nice place the Pump room. All the waitresses had great racks on ‘em and legs that went for miles.... Damn. What was I talkin’ about? Frickin’ dementia’s actin’ up. Oh yeah...

SPORTSMANSHIP!!!

Goddamned if that no good Kapp don’t shout “Sportsmanship” after he lays me out. Crazy bastard wouldn’t know sportsmanship if it bit him on his psoriasis covered ass!

Now I gotta tell you SLPHL guys something, so listen up. You all might be tough. You all might be fast. Hell, you all might be friggin’ Zombies, I don’t know for sure cuz I’m old as hell! But if you can’t leave the bad-blood on the ice after a game, you ain’t got Sportsmanship. If you can’t leave it on the ice after 50 years, you’re probably an old pansy holdin’ Zombie like Joe Kapp.

If anybody asks you about it, tell ‘em King Kong Mosca told ya. And he told it to your FACE!

Now where’s that nurse. Time for my BEN-GAY rubdown.

The whole time we were talking about blowing up the Heinz Ketchup factory during work last Friday we were all just being funny? Are you sure? Because I could have sworn we were dead set on blowing up the Heinz factory by the time our lunch break was over. But now you’re saying all that explosion talk was… what, banter? Hmm.

Shoot.

Just real fast though, do you remember when Tim said, “The only way for us here at Hunts to be the #1 ketchup in America is to blow up the goddamn Heinz factory,” and then everyone nodded their heads and laughed pretty good? Wasn’t that sort of like, “Ha! Of course! We’ve been trying to be the #1 ketchup for years. Why didn’t we think of blowing up the Heinz factory sooner?” laughter? Like “Tim, whaddaya know! Didn’t expect such a great idea from you, Tim!” laughter? No offense, Tim.

It was joke laughter? Weird. I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that.

I’m usually pretty good at knowing when people are joking or being serious… Well, I guess it wasn’t that obvious, Shelley. I mean, here we are talking about whether it was a joke or not.

So, after Tim said what he said, and you all laughed (which I now know to be genuine laughter and not a thumbs-up, all systems go, let’s-blow-the-place-up type of laughter) I responded, “I have a friend in Pittsburgh who has access to explosives.” Am I to understand the reason you laughed at that was because you all thought I was adding to the gag, and expanding on the joke world established by Tim’s initial comment?

You know what I’m talking about, right? The joke world: the world created by riffing off the core joke, which in this case was apparently blowing up the Heinz factory. John, your comment after Tim’s about infiltrating the factory by killing the night guards was part of the joke world. Though, to be perfectly honest, it sounded like a pretty brilliant idea to me. So, even though I didn’t know it at the time, my phone call to my friend was actually expanding the joke world.

But guys, when have you ever known me to make a joke like that? I’ve brought up my friend before, but never in a joking context. Or is that why you thought it was funny. Because it was a switch on what I typically do, which is talk pretty seriously about my friend, who, as you all know, has some pretty severe emotional problems. I mean, I guess I can see how that could be kind of funny, but I don’t think it’s hilarious or anything. It’s pretty dark, actually. I never pegged you guys as people who like dark humor.

So bear with me here. When I was talking to my friend about various explosive devices and different ways of getting the schematics to the Heinz factory, you were all laughing uproariously because… why? Ah, you thought I was making a

fake telephone call and supplying answers to fake questions. I see. So your laughter had actually nothing to do with Hunts being the #1 ketchup in America, and everything to do with the complete ridiculousness of me pretending to talk to an imaginary person.

What’s that, David? I really sold it? Yeah, I suppose if I was in your shoes I really did sell the phone call, but once again, making fake telephone calls is not really in my comedic repertoire. I’m usually more of a witty comment here or there type of guy, not a gag guy. I really don’t do bits.

It was my deadpan delivery that made it work? That’s what you thought was so funny? Huh.

Just to be clear, when I said, “It looks like my friend can help us out. I am going to blow up the Heinz factory this weekend,” and you all responded, “Yeah, you go do that,” and “Finally,” and “This guy!” you obviously saw it as me taking the joke to it’s utmost logical conclusion, closing the door on the joke world, and ushering us back into the normal world.

Boy, do I feel like an idiot.

To be fair, though, you understand why I thought you were all being serious, right? After all, the only way that Hunts ketchup would ever take over Heinz as the #1 ketchup in America would be to fly to Pittsburgh after work, get the schematics of the factory, kill the night guards, find the weak spots in the building’s infrastructure, set up the explosives, get back on a plane, and detonate all the bombs Monday morning from a remote location just when all those smug little bastard Heinz employees were showing up for work.

I’m taking that concerned expression on your faces to mean that, because we are now America’s #1 ketchup, we have a lot more responsibility to our consumers.

Steve, who are you calling? Put the phone down, Steve.

Enjoy the Hockey!Capcity

I will always remember the day I heard Dinger say “That Beck is a musical genius”. At the time I thought ‘No way. He wrote a song called Beer Can’. I also saw Dinger hit a 3 wood where the ball landed behind him in the fairway. So his insight on Beck might have been a bit off. Nevertheless, Danny is a man with swagger.

Last years tourney went from a water logged, wet t shirt contest to a hard played, competitive set of games on pure, natural ice. No treatment whatsoever. As usual, the hockey was completely incidental to the various weekend activities. Thursday saw the advent of a new game played by Nubbas and The Bomb. “Beer Shoes” was created out on the ice in the rain while waiting for a fish to bite. Green bottles were tossed into opposing snow circles to gain points. The more you could drink, the more “shoes” you could throw. I have no idea who won the game, but I have no doubt that we will see this event as a demonstrator sport in the next winter Olympics. And Thursday night will go down as an epic opening ceremonies party. Apparently, Johnny R likes it in the butt.

Coach Wood nearly succumbed to hypothermia wearing his satin jacket. “I’m not going back over there!” is a phrase we will long remember. It might have been the cold of the Hornet cabin, the hot box ice hut, the hot lunch, or the near naked leg wrestling, but he did not return.

Dinger and Dr. Hook produced as usual with the construction of a set of curling stones and a new Zamboni. The weight of the water tank destroyed the boni trailer, but like the 6 million dollar man, it has been rebuilt. Better, stronger, faster.

As usual, everyone contributed to the weekend. Bringing food, pitching in to help with the set up or telling great stories and jokes. It’s a pretty awesome group.

Congrats to The Hornets on their 2011 victory. I think Dinger won the MVP and 8.5 claimed the MIP. Both pretty much forgettable showings. Keep your sticks on the ice men.

president’s message 2012

vice president’s message 2012

K HC OA RB NS EG TO SH

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W E E K E N D

Make no bones about it, I didn’t think much of the Hogsback Hornets on first glance. They were a rudderless ship, drifting on a sea of losses. When I sat down with team president, Jamie Capstick, I thought it was a free steak dinner and little more. But the more he talked, the more I realized I desperately needed a paycheck. I’d just lost out on the Lokomotiv Yaroslavl job (Screw you, McCrimmon!) and Mike Danton had told me I was too “unstable” to guide his comeback.

The Tam, The Jacket, The LegendWOOD

COACH

So I swallowed my pride and took the job. Here I was, the ECHL’s winningest coach and the 7th place finisher in Battle of the Blades Season 2, reduced to being a gun-for-hire for some Joe Lunchpail pond hockey team. We sealed the deal with a Bait Royale and started to try to figure out how to turn chicken sh*t into chicken salad.

Several months of procrastination and three DUIs later, the answer came to me. If I could somehow mix the cunning of Capstick, the bravado of Brown, the guile of Goddard, the lionheart of Lewis, the passion of Prunskus, the ferociousness of Fritzsch, the doggedness of Devitt and the absence of Murray, I just might have the makings of a champion.

Minutes before the first game I saw the fear in the Hornets’ eyes and I told everyone to take a knee. I thought of the most inspiring thing I could say, looked every one of them in the eye and said “I know I haven’t been the best coach. I know I’m no Gordon Bombay. But in case you didn’t know, my name is Coach Wood and I came here to do two things: Win a SLPHL title and eat at the finest cottage cookhouse in Raymond, Ontario. I’ve already accomplished one of my goals, now who wants to stomp some Islander ass?!!”

When the final goal went in and Prunskus deafened me with his girlish scream of joy, I tasted the sweetness of victory. Later, when we were in the showers “horsing around”, I knew I’d be back to help defend our title.

Coach Wood

When Athena opens her robe to offer mere mortals the opportunity to suckle in the sweet milk of privilege, one does not decline. Such is the case in Hamilton. Where the smoke-stacks reach high above the escarpment air burning fateful opportunity in the atmosphere high above. This subsequently allows the moon to shine brightly on Ivor Wynne granting all those within one glorious evening of winter. And such was the fate of some fortunate young gentlemen who be-bladed their collective feet in the visitor’s dressing room in the Steel City’s Coliseum. The smell of victory preserved within the decades of paint that coated the walls.

As they took the ice there was no animosity, no ego, no rain, no referees. Instead only the innocent purity of love for hockey prevailed. Though the range of talent could have been measured by the very mountain they played in front of, no player sullied the honour of their opponent nor wasted a chance to paint greatness on the frozen canvass. Everyone skated their hardest and when their energy was spent, made sporting haste to offer their shift to the next player waiting. Boyish smiles gleamed through the weathered faces of men with the means to make such an event happen. And when the 70 minutes had lapsed the memories of a once in a lifetime evening would last forever.

hammer timethe boys hit the steel city

Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Pat Prunskus

4 RON BARRY D

27 DAN CICCONE F

69 MATT NESKAR F

11 DAVE NESKAR F

19 JOHN RAYNER F

25 RICK ROUBOS D

24 ROSS TAYLOR F

77 PAT PRUNSKUS F

7 RICK BROWN F

11 PAUL FRITZSCH D

17 MIKE Murray D

50 JAMIE CAPSTICK F

85 MATT GODDARD F

27 BRICE LEWIS D

February 11, 2012 Skeleton Lake, Ontario

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W E E K E N D

Message from the MPP

Norm Miller, MPP

Parry Sound – Muskoka

February 2008

I wish to extend a warm welcome to you all, on the occasion of the 3rd Annual Insley Cup

Award, presented by your very own Skeleton Lake Pond Hockey Association.

As the Provincial Member of Parliament for Parry Sound – Muskoka, I am delighted to

offer my best wishes to the hockey players and loyal supporters. I too enjoy playing

hockey when my schedule allows and grew up playing on outdoor rinks on the lake.

What a great way to enjoy the game of hockey!

Best wishes for an enjoyable tournament and a fun-filled day.

Sincerely,

Official Bar / Restaurant of the SLPHL

Message from the MPP

Norm Miller, MPP

Parry Sound – Muskoka

February 2008

I wish to extend a warm welcome to you all, on the occasion of the 3rd Annual Insley Cup

Award, presented by your very own Skeleton Lake Pond Hockey Association.

As the Provincial Member of Parliament for Parry Sound – Muskoka, I am delighted to

offer my best wishes to the hockey players and loyal supporters. I too enjoy playing

hockey when my schedule allows and grew up playing on outdoor rinks on the lake.

What a great way to enjoy the game of hockey!

Best wishes for an enjoyable tournament and a fun-filled day.

Sincerely,

Official Bar / Restaurant of the SLPHL

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905.544.0178Dan ‘Dinger’ Ciccone

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2011 MVP Danny ‘Dinger’ Ciccone

I’ve known Dinger for about 15 years now. He rarely disappoints (men). He’s as good at getting his hands dirty and helping out, as I am at sitting on my duff and watching. (Such is the exception granted to the poor relation from America.) I’ve had some interesting times with Dinger.

Sidebar: And where does “Dinger” come from, you ask? It comes from the sound his golf ball makes when it hits a car two streets over from his intended fairway.

I’ve played hockey with Danny a handful of times. He’s pretty handy with a stick and puck; especially when he flings it off some Hornet’s chin. “OH MY CHIN. OWEEEE! I’M THE FIRST GUY TO EVER GET INJURED!”. Dinger says, “Gee, I’m sorry. I was just trying to lob-pass one to Hook”. Hahahaha, good one, Dinger. We all knew better.

I’ve played golf with Dinger. No, wait, I’ve tolerated playing golf with Dinger. How can I describe this experience? It’s like … it’s like watching Stevie Wonder play tennis: you’re laughing balls, but you know you shouldn’t. See sidebar.

I’ve drank with Dinger. Oh boy. That’s a trip. He can get HAMMERED. Just effing sh*thoused – to the point where you’re wondering whether he’s going to hug you, or slug you. You don’t want one of those fat Italian mitts in your puss. Dinger played Junior Hockey, you know. It was Junior Special Olympics, mind you, but those creamos can scrap … no worries about concussions. How much worse could it get, right?

And I’ve dined with Dinger. You know the Italians with their dining. They’re serious. I’ll relay a conversation I had with Dinger one night …

RefLection by: Doug ‘Nubbas’ Noble

Look for it... Spring 2012

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C L A S S I C

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SPORT’NWOODCLASSIC

C L A S S I C

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Ride ‘em when You Catch ‘em!

Rotten Ronnie’s Cut-Rate Pony Rides

Nubbas: “Dinger, this is a nice restaurant. Do you like your steak?”

Dinger: “I love this steak so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it PREGNANT”.

Where does he get an idea like that? Why a middle school?

So, this poor relation from America, with his crap shoulder, and worse skating skills has decided to pass on the festivities this year. My request of you: raise a glass to Dinger, crank up some Iggy Pop, and remind Johnny R where he likes it!

2011 MVP Award Winner Danny ‘Dinger’ Ciccone

“Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things . . . nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?”

William Shakespeare, MacBeth

2011 MIP Award Winner matt 8.5 goddard

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Proud Sponsor of the MIP ‘Day After’

Let me break down what Shakespeare is getting at. What the man is saying is that being drunk will provoke bizarre behaviour, poor performance and possible incontinence. Also Shakespeare is saying none of us are too good to chase this dream. The SLPHL has embraced this fringe behaviour and created an award dedicated to celebrate the dream. I am proud to receive the MIP award and join the company of greats such as Freight Train and Capcity whose previous ill-behaviour and lack of personal control is an inspiration to all of us.

For the SLPHL 2012 season there is a competitor for MIP that I would like taken out. I am personally placing a $5 bounty on the head of Mike Murray. Hey Murray! Murray! Murray - she sucks pussy! Hey Murray she’s a dyke! I know, I know! She’s a lesbian, a lesbian, a lesbian.

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Sledder’s Welcom ed!

with Special Guest

Lady Einstein

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