the things you can see only when you slow down · 2019-06-25 · the things you can see only when...
TRANSCRIPT
![Page 1: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/1.jpg)
![Page 2: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/2.jpg)
©SehyenJo
PENGUINBOOKS
TheThingsYouCanSeeOnlyWhenYouSlowDownHAEMINSUNIMisoneofthemostinfluentialZenBuddhistteachersandwritersinSouthKorea,wherehisbookshavesoldmorethanthreemillioncopiesandarepopularasguidesnotonlytomediationbutalsotoovercomingthechallengesofeverydaylife.BorninSouthKorea,hecametotheUnitedStatestostudyfilm,onlytofindhimselfpulledintothespirituallife.EducatedatUCBerkeley,Harvard,andPrinceton,hereceivedformalmonastictraininginKoreaandtaughtBuddhismatHampshireCollegeinAmherst,Massachusetts.HehasmorethanamillionfollowersonTwitter(@haeminsunim)andFacebookandlivesinSeoulwhennottravelingtosharehisteachings.
CHI-YOUNGKIMisthetranslatoroftheNewYorkTimesbestsellingKoreannovelPleaseLookAfterMombyKyung-sookShin,forwhichshereceivedtheManAsianLiteraryPrize,andtheKoreancontemporaryclassicTheHenWhoDreamedSheCouldFlybySun-miHwang.ShelivesinLosAngeles,California.YOUNGCHEOLLEEisaKoreanartist.Hispaintingshavebeenshowninmorethan150exhibitionsandareadmiredfortheiridyllicquality.Youcanseemoreofhisartworkatwww.namusai33.com.
![Page 3: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/3.jpg)
![Page 4: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/4.jpg)
![Page 5: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/5.jpg)
PENGUINBOOKS
AnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC
375HudsonStreetNewYork,NewYork10014
penguin.com
Copyright©2012byHaeminSunim
Englishtranslationcopyright©2017byChi-YoungKimandHaeminSunim
Penguinsupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinto
continuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.
EbookISBN9780698156425LIBRARYOFCONGRESSCATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATIONDATA
Names:Hyemin,author.
Title:Thethingsyoucanseeonlywhenyouslowdown:howtobecalmand
mindfulinafast-pacedworld/HaeminSunim;translatedby
Chi-YoungKimandHaeminSunim;artworkbyYoungcheolLee.
Othertitles:Mæomch’umyæon,pirosopoinæunkæottæul.EnglishDescription:NewYork,NewYork:PenguinBooks,animprintofPenguinRandomHouse,LLC,[2017]
Identifiers:LCCN2016036101|ISBN9780143130772(hardcover)
Subjects:LCSH:Conductoflife.|Spirituallife—Buddhism.
Classification:LCCBJ1594.5.K6H94132017|DDC294.3/44—dc23
IllustrationsbyYoungcheolLee
Coverdesign:RoseanneSerraCoverillustration:Young-CheolLee
Version_1
![Page 6: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/6.jpg)
Contents
AbouttheAuthor
Titlepage
Copyright
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER1
RestWhyAmISoBusy?
WhenLifeDisappoints,RestaMomentCHAPTER2
MindfulnessBefriendYourEmotions
WhenYouAreFeelingLowCHAPTER3
PassionTemperYourEagerness
BeingRightIsn’tImportant;BeingHappyTogetherIsCHAPTER4
RelationshipsTheArtofMaintainingaGoodRelationship
TheJourneyofForgivenessCHAPTER5
LoveFirstLove
ILoveYourOrdinarinessCHAPTER6
LifeDoYouKnowKungFu?
ThreeLiberatingInsightsCHAPTER7
TheFutureOneWordofEncouragementCanChangetheFuture
![Page 7: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/7.jpg)
WhenYouLookforYourCalling
CHAPTER8Spirituality
Long-LostCousinsTwoSpiritualPathsinOneFamily
EPILOGUEYourOriginalFace
![Page 8: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/8.jpg)
P R O L O G U EASAZENmonkandformerprofessoratasmallliberalartscollegeinMassachusetts,Iamfrequentlyaskedforadviceondealingwithlife’schallenges.Inadditiontosharingmyadviceinpersonandovere-mail,afewyearsagoIbegantoanswerquestionsoversocialnetworkingsites,asIenjoyedthefeelingofmakingconnectionswithpeople.Mymessagesweregenerallysimple,straightforward,andshort.Isometimeswrotedirectlyinresponsetoareal-lifequestion,sometimesasaquicknotetomyselfwhenIdiscoveredinterestingpatternsofthoughtinmindfulnesspracticeorininteractionswithpeople.Ialsodiscussedthevalueofslowingdowninourbusymodernlives,aswellastheartofmaintaininggoodrelationshipsandcultivatingself-compassion.
IdidnotanticipatetheoutpouringofresponsestomytweetsandFacebookposts.Manypeoplestartedsendingmemessagesnotonlytoaskadvice,butalsotoexpressappreciationandgratitude.Istillrememberayoungmotherwhohadlostherhusbandinacaraccidentandsentmeaheartfeltthank-younoteforsavingherfromcommittingsuicide,sayingthatsheneverthoughtaboutlovingherselfbecauseloveforheralwaysmeantgivingittosomeoneelse.Abusyexecutiveinhisfortiestoldmehowwonderfulitwastostarthisdaywithmymessages;tohim,theyprovidedamomentofcalmreflectionandrestfromhishecticschedule.Ayoungrecentgraduate,discouragedafternotfindingajob,readmysupportivewordsandgavethesearchanothertry,finallylandingajob.WhenIreadhisnews,Iwasoverjoyedforacoupleofdays,asifIhadgottenmyfirstjob.
Itmademeprofoundlyhappythatmysimplemessagescouldinspirepeopleandhelpthemintheirtimesofdifficulty.Asmymessagescametobesharedbymoreandmorepeople,andmynumberofTwitterandFacebookfollowersincreased,peoplestartedcallingmea“healingmentor,”whichendedupbecomingmynicknameinKorea.Iwasthencontactedbypublishingcompaniesofferingtoturnmywritingsintoabook.In2012,TheThingsYouCanSeeOnlyWhenYouSlowDowncameoutinSouthKorea;toeveryone’samazement,itstayednumberoneonthebest-sellerlistforforty-oneweeks,andsoldmorethanthreemillioncopiesinthreeyears.Translationsfollowed—intoChinese,Japanese,Thai,French,andnowEnglish.Iamhumbledbytheattentionthebookhasreceivedandhopeitcan
![Page 9: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/9.jpg)
beofhelptoreadersofEnglish,justasithasbeentoreadersinAsiaandFrance.
Thebookhaseightchapters,addressingvariousaspectsoflife—fromloveandfriendshipstoworkandaspirations—andhowmindfulnesscanhelpusineach.Forinstance,Iaddresshowtodealmindfullywithnegativeemotionslikeangerandjealousyaswellaslife’sdisappointments,diggingdeepintomypasttosharemyexperienceoffailureasanewcollegeprofessor.Ifyouareoverlyself-conscious,the“threeliberatinginsights”fromchapter6canbequitehelpful.Ifyouareanxiousaboutyourfutureorunsureaboutyourtruecalling,Iofferadviceonhowtoincreaseself-awarenessandhowtodiscoverit.
Eachchapteropenswithanessay,whichisfollowedbyaseriesofshortmessages—wordsofadviceandwisdomaddresseddirectlytoyou,toconsideronebyone,andtoreconsiderandremember,sothattheymayaccompanyyouinmomentsofanxietyordespair,andremindyouthatyouarenotalone.Eachchapterthencontinueswithashorteressay,followedbyanotherseriesofshortpromptsformeditation.ThroughoutthebookarecolorillustrationsbyYoungcheolLee;theseareintendedascalminginterludes,tobelingeredovermuchlikethemeditationpromptsaremeanttobe.
Somepeoplereadthewholebookquicklyastheywouldanovel.However,Iwouldrecommendthatyoutakeyourtimeandreflectonwhatyouhavejustreadbeforemovingontoanewchapter.Youwillenjoyitmoreandfinddeepermeaningsasyougothrougheachchapterslowly.Youshouldfeelfreetomakenotesinthemarginsorhighlightpartsthathaveresonatedwithyou.
Ihopethatspendingtimewiththisbookbecomesanoccasiontoreflectonandmeditateinyourbusylife.Ihopeitinspiresyoutoconnectwiththe
![Page 10: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/10.jpg)
kinderandwisersideofyourself.Mayyoubehappy,healthy,peaceful,andalwaysprotectedfromharm.
![Page 11: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/11.jpg)
C H A P T E R O N E
Rest
![Page 12: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/12.jpg)
![Page 13: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/13.jpg)
WhyAmISoBusy?
Wheneverythingaroundmeismovingsofast,Istopandask,“Isittheworldthat’sbusy,orisitmymind?”
WEUSUALLYTHINKof“mind”and“world”existingindependentlyofeachother.Ifsomeoneaskswhereourmindis,mostofuswouldpointtoeitherourheadorourheart,butnottoatreeorthesky.Weperceiveaclearboundarybetweenwhatgoesoninsideourmindsandwhathappensintheoutsideworld.Comparedtothevastworldoutside,themindnestledinsidethebodycanfeelsmall,vulnerable,andsometimespowerless.AccordingtotheBuddha’steaching,however,theboundarybetweenthemindandtheworldisactuallythin,porous,andultimatelyillusory.Itisnotthattheworldisobjectivelyjoyfulorsadandproducesacorrespondingfeelinginus.Rather,feelingsoriginatewiththemindprojectingitssubjectiveexperienceontotheworld.Theworldisn’tinherentlyjoyfulorsad;itjustis.
PerhapswecanbetterunderstandthisthroughaconversationIhadwithadearfriendofmine,aresponsibleandmeticulousBuddhistnun.Sherecentlyoversawtheconstructionofameditationhallinhertemple.Afterrelatingtheordealofobtainingvariouspermitsandfindingtherightcontractor,amongotherthings,shedescribedtheconstructionprocessinthefollowingway:
“Whenitcametimetoplacetilesontheroof,IsawtileseverywhereIwent.Inoticedthematerialtheyweremadeof,theirthickness,theirdesign.Andthen,whenitwastimetoinstallthefloor,allIcouldseewerefloors.Inaturallyzeroedinonthecolor,origin,pattern,anddurabilityofahardwoodfloor.Andthenitsuddenlydawnedonme:Whenwelookattheoutsideworld,wearelookingatonlyasmallpartthatinterestsus.Theworldweseeisnottheentireuniversebutalimitedonethatthemindcaresabout.However,toourminds,thatsmallworldistheentireuniverse.Ourrealityisnottheinfinitelystretchingcosmosbutthesmallpartwechoosetofocuson.Realityexistsbecauseourmindsexist.Withoutthemind,therewouldbenouniverse.”
ThemoreIreflectedonthis,themoreherinsightmadesensetome.Theworldcomestoexistbecauseweareawareofit.Wecannotliveinarealityofwhichweareunaware.Theworlddependsonourmindsinordertoexist,justasourmindsdependontheworldasthesubjectofourawareness.Put
![Page 14: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/14.jpg)
differently,ourmind’sawarenesscanbesaidtobringtheworldintobeing.Whatourmindfocusesonbecomesourworld.Seenthisway,theminddoesnotseemsoinsignificantinrelationtotheworldoutthere,doesit?
Weneithercannorwanttoknoweverysinglethingthathappensintheworld.Ifwedid,wewouldgocrazyfromtheoverloadofinformation.Ifwelookattheworldthroughthelensofourmind,thewaymyfrienddid,wewillreadilynoticewhatwearelookingfor,becauseourmindwillfocusonit.Giventhattheworldweseethroughourmind’seyeislimited,ifwecantrainourmindandchoosewiselywheretofocus,thenwewillbeabletoexperiencetheworldcorrespondingtothestateofourmind.
Asamonkandacollegeprofessor,Iampulledinmanydifferentdirections.DuringtheweekIteachandconductresearch,andontheweekendIdriveacoupleofhourstoassumedutiesatmyteacher’stemple.Duringschoolbreaks,myschedulebecomesevenbusier.Ineedtovisitseniormonks,serveasaninterpreterformonkswhodon’tspeakEnglish,gotodifferenttemplestogiveDharmatalks,andcarveouttimeformyownmeditationpractice.Ontopofthat,Icontinuetoresearchandwriteacademicpapers.
Tobehonest,IsometimeswonderwhetheraZenmonkshouldkeeptosuchafullschedule.ButthenIrealizeitisn’ttheoutsideworldthatisawhirlwind;itisonlymymind.Theworldhasnevercomplainedabouthowbusyitis.AsIlookdeeperintomyselftoseewhyIamlivingsuchabusylife,Irealizethat,toacertainextent,Iactuallyenjoybeingbusy.IfItrulywantedtorest,Icoulddeclineinvitationstoteach.ButIhavewelcomedsuchrequestsbecauseIenjoymeetingpeoplewhowantmyadviceandhelpingthemwithwhatlittlewisdomIhave.Seeingotherpeoplehappyisadeepsourceofjoyinmylife.
ThereisafamousBuddhistsayingthateveryoneappearsasbuddhasintheeyesoftheBuddhaandeveryoneappearsaspigsintheeyesofapig.Itsuggeststhattheworldisexperiencedaccordingtothestateofone’smind.Whenyourmindisjoyfulandcompassionate,theworldis,too.Whenyourmindisfilledwithnegativethoughts,theworldappearsnegative,too.Whenyoufeeloverwhelmedandbusy,rememberthatyouarenotpowerless.Whenyourmindrests,theworldalsorests.
![Page 15: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/15.jpg)
Weknowtheworldonlythroughthewindowofourmind.
Whenourmindisnoisy,theworldisaswell.
Andwhenourmindispeaceful,theworldis,too.
Knowingourmindsis
justasimportantastryingtochangetheworld.
Isqueezemyselfintothesubwaycar.
Peoplearecrowdedallaroundme.
Icaneithergetannoyed
orthinkit’sfunthatIdon’thavetograbahandrail.
Peoplereactdifferentlytothesamesituation.
Ifwelookatitmoreclosely,
![Page 16: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/16.jpg)
weseeit’snotthesituationthatistroublingus,
butourperspectiveonit.
Tsunamisarefrighteningnotjustbecauseofthewater,
butalsobecauseoftheobjectshurledatusbythewater.
Tornadoesareterrifyingnotjustbecauseofthewind,
butalsobecauseoftheobjectsuprootedandthrownbythewind.
Wefeelunhappynotjustbecausesomethingbadhashappened,
butalsobecauseoftheswirlingthoughtsaboutwhathappened.
Whenyouhaveanunpleasantfeeling,
don’tgrabholdofitandturnitoverandover.
Instead,leaveitalonesoitcanflow.
Thewaveofemotionwillnaturallyrecedeonitsown
aslongasyoudon’tfeeditbydwellingonit.
Togetfoodunstuckfromafryingpan,
justpourwaterinthepanandwait.
Afterawhilethefoodloosensonitsown.
Don’tstruggletohealyourwounds.
Justpourtimeintoyourheartandwait.
Whenyourwoundsareready,
theywillhealontheirown.
Ifweknowhowtobecontent,
wecanrelaxourendlessstrivingandwelcomeserenity.
Ifweknowhowtobecontent,
wecanenjoythetimewehavewiththepersonnexttous.
Ifweknowhowtobecontent,
wecanmakepeacewithourpastandletgoofourbaggage.
Ifyou’vebeenunabletochangeabadsituation,evenaftermanyattempts,
youshouldchangehowyoulookatthesituation.
![Page 17: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/17.jpg)
Nothingisintrinsicallygoodorbad.
Goodorbadisalwaysrelative.
Compareyoursituationwithsomeone’sthatisworse.
Nowyoursdoesnotseemsobadafterall.
Whenyouarestressedout,beawareofyourstress.
Whenyouareirritated,beawareofyourirritation.
Whenyouareangry,beawareofyouranger.
Assoonasyoubecomeawareofthesefeelings
youarenolongerlostinthem.
Yourawarenessallowsyoutowitnessthemfromtheoutside.
Awarenessisinherentlypure,liketheopensky.
Stress,irritation,andangercantemporarilycloudthesky,
buttheycanneverpolluteit.
Negativeemotionscomeandgolikeclouds,
butthewide-openskyremains.
Liketoxinsslowlyfillingourbodies,
ifanger,despair,orsorrowaccumulateinourhearts,
wehavetodosomethingaboutit.
Exercise,talktoyourmentor,meditateonloving-kindness.
Aswebegintomaketheeffort,thetoxinsstarttolosetheirgrip.
Domemoriescauseyoupain?
Practicebeinginthepresentmoment.
Turnyourattentiontothehereandnow.
Noticethatyourthoughtssubsidewhenyoufocusonthepresent.
Asyourthoughtsquiet,so,too,thememories.
Becausememoriesare,inessence,thoughts.
Whenyouleaveworkfortheday,
ifyoufindyourselfasking,
![Page 18: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/18.jpg)
“DoIhavetolivemywholelifelikethis?”
Thentrythefollowing:
Wakeupalittleearlierthenextmorning,
andsitinsilence,asifinmeditation.
Breatheindeeplyandslowly,
andaskyourselfhowyourworkishelpingothers,
regardlessofhowinsignificantlyorindirectly.
Asyoufocusmoreonothers,
youcanreconnectwiththemeaningandpurposeofyourwork.
Averymoderndilemma:
Therearecountlesstelevisionchannels
butnothinginterestingtowatch.
Toomanychoicesmakepeopleunhappy.
Areyoufeelingconfusedorconflicted?
Allowyourselfagoodnight’ssleep.
Whenyouwakeupthenextday,theproblemwillseemlighter.
Itworks,truly.
Ifyouwouldliketosleepmorepeacefully,
asyoulayyourheadonyourpillow,
thinkofthepeoplewhomyouaregratefulto,
orthetimesyouhelpedothersandfeltgoodaboutyourself.
Itwillwarmyourheart,giftingyouwithmorepeacefulsleep.
Withloveinourhearts,
wefindeventhemostmundanethingssacredandbeautiful.
Withloveinourhearts,
webecomekinderandgentler,eventocompletestrangers.
Withoutloveinourhearts,
![Page 19: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/19.jpg)
wefindtheworldmeaninglessandrandom.
Withoutloveinourhearts,
webecomestrangerseventoourfamilyandfriends.
Whenweareopentoothers,
wedaretobevulnerableandhonest.
Whenwehavegoodwilltowardothers,
weintendtobehappyandconnected.
Closeyoureyes,takeadeepbreath,andsay,
“Maymyfriendsandacquaintancesbelovedandprotected!”
Withthosewords,you,too,willfeellovedandprotected.
Whenwearecomfortablewithourselves
andhaveacceptedourselveswholly,
otherswillfindusapproachable
andwilllikeusforwhoweare.
Iwishyoucouldseemytruenature.
Beyondmybodyandlabels,
thereisariveroftendernessandvulnerability.
Beyondstereotypesandassumptions,
thereisavalleyofopennessandauthenticity.
Beyondmemoryandego,
thereisanoceanofawarenessandcompassion.
Thewisedonotfighttheworld.
Inthemostrelaxedandplayfulmanner,
theysimplyembodythetruththattheyareonewithit.
![Page 20: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/20.jpg)
![Page 21: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/21.jpg)
![Page 22: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/22.jpg)
WhenLifeDisappoints,RestaMoment
Whentrustisshattered,whenhopesaredashed,whenalovedoneleavesyou,beforedoinganything,justpauseyourlifeandrestamoment.
Ifyoucan,surroundyourselfwithclosefriendsandsharefoodanddrinkwhileslowlylettingoutthebottled-upstoriesofbetrayal,disappointment,andhurt.
Headtoamovietheater,aloneorwithyourbestfriend.Pickthesilliestmovie,evenifyounormallydon’twatchcomedies,andlaughoutlouduntilithurts,andshedafewtears,asifnobodyislooking,likeacarefreeteenager.
Findasongthatspeakstoyourheart.Playitoverandover,andsingalongtoitoverandover,asthoughyouaredoingitforallthewoundedsouls.
Ifnoneofthathelps,useyourvacationdaystotakeatrip.Gosomewhereyou’vealwayssaidyouwantedtogo—theGrandCanyon,theCaminodeSantiago,MachuPicchu.
Allbyyourself.Justyouandtheroad.
Afterspendingtimealone,gotoyourownsacredplace.Closeyoureyesandclearyourmind.
Evenifyouarenotthatspiritual,invoketheheartofcompassionandfeeltheembraceofacceptance.
Downcastandheartbroken,IknowyouwereoncemeandIwasonceyou.
Sotoday,Iprayforyou.
Loveyourselfdespiteyourimperfections.
Doyounotfeelcompassionforyourselfasyoustrugglethroughlife?
Youaresoeagertohelpyourfriends,butyoutreatyourselfsopoorly.
Strokeyourheartonceinawhileandtellyourself,“Iloveyou.”
![Page 23: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/23.jpg)
Onapieceofpaper,writedowneverythingthatstressesyouout.
Listeverythingyououghttodo,includingminorthings—
wateringplants,replyingtoe-mails.
Thestressesarenowcontainedonapieceofpaper,awayfromyourmind.
So,relaxtonight.
Tellyourselfyouwillgothroughthelisttomorrow,
itembyitem,startingwiththeeasiest.
Whenyouopenyoureyesthenextmorning,
yourmindandbodywillbeready.
Icanguaranteethat.
Don’tgiveupinthefaceofcriticism.
Learntobrushasidewhatpeoplewhodon’tknowyouhavetosay.
Havingcriticsmeanswhatyou’redoingisgettingpeople’sattention.
Havecourage,andcontinuedownthepathyou’reon.
Lifeteachesusthroughourmistakes.
Whenyoumakeamistake,
simplyaskyourselfwhatyouweremeanttolearnfromit.
Whenweacceptsuchlessonswithhumilityandgratitude,
wegrowthatmuchmore.
Tobehappy,it’snotnecessarytoexpendgreateffortsowegetsomewhereelse.
Instead,relaxintothepresentmomentwhilefindinghumorinyourlife.
Withhumor,lifebecomeslightandleisurely.
Andlaughteralwaysbringspeopletoexperienceopennessandjoy.
Humoropensclosedhearts.
Humorcanfreeusfromthegripofourthoughts.
Whenwesmile,wefeelwecanacceptthingswepreviouslycouldnot.
![Page 24: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/24.jpg)
Wefeelwecanforgivethosewhohavewrongedus.
Humorisanessentialpartoflife.
Whenwearejoyful,ourheartopensuptonewthings.
Whenweareinabadmood,wecan’tbeopentonewthings,
nomatterhowwonderfultheyare.
Withoutjoyinourheart,
ourprogressinlifeisslowanduninteresting.
Thosewhoworkinaplayful,relaxedmanner
tendtoworkefficientlyandcreatively.
Thosewhoworknonstop,drivenonlybystress,
workwithoutjoy.
Tokeepdoingyourworkforalongtime,
donottreatitasjustwork.
Viewitasasourceofenjoymentandgrowth.
Theroadtohappinessliesnotjustinfindingagoodjob,
butalsoinlearningtoenjoywhatyouareaskedtodo.
Doyoufeelunsettledordepressed?
Thenlookatachild’ssleepingfaceforoneminute.
Youwillsoonfeelripplesofpeace.
![Page 25: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/25.jpg)
Afamilytakesawalkamidfallenautumnleaves.
Dadliftsuphisfive-year-oldson,
andtheboyshowershimwithkisses.
Momwatcheswithasmileonherface.
Ifwetaketimetolookaround,
weseeourselvessurroundedbylovelymoments.
Wouldyouliketomakeyourchildhappy?
Thengetoffworkalittleearlytoday.
Waitforyourchildinfrontofschool.
Horsearoundtogetherontheplayground.
Letyourchildchoosewheretogofordinner.
Andshoweryourchildwithyourlovingattention.
Onyourwayhome,pickupicecreamforthefamily.
Yourchildwillrememberthisdayforever.
Beforeyourchildrenareallgrown,
travelasfrequentlyasyoucanasafamily.
Althoughweseeourfamilyeveryday,
wedon’treallygettobewithoneanother.
Achangeinenvironmentcandowonders
andcanbringfamiliescloser.
Agoodfamilytripcanpreventdivorce.
Whatmakesmusicbeautifulis
thedistancebetweenonenoteandanother.
Whatmakesspeecheloquentis
theappropriatepausebetweenwords.
Fromtimetotimeweshouldtakeabreath
andnoticethesilencebetweensounds.
Whenyouhavetomakeanimportantdecision,
![Page 26: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/26.jpg)
don’tlosesleepoverit.
Justtakethespecialmedicinecalled“time”andwait.
Yoursubconsciouswillsearchfortheanswer.
Twodayslater,orthree,
theanswerwilldawnonyou
asyouarewakingup,takingashower,ortalkingtoafriend.
Putfaithinyoursubconsciousmindandgiveyourselftime.
Ifsomethinggoeswrong,
weoftenturninwardandblameourselves.
Butisitreallyourfault?
Forexample,ifIwereJamesTaylor
andsomeonewerelookingforPavarotti,
thennaturallyIwouldn’tbechosen.
ButthisdoesnotmeanIlackmusicaltalent.
ItmeansonlythatIamnottherightmatch.
Sobemoreconfident,andpleasestopbeatingyourselfup.
Evenifyouarehavingjustabowlofcerealfordinner,
eatitwiththelovingattitudeofnourishingyourself.
Isn’tittiringtoconstantlyhavetocareforyourbody?
Patyourselfonthebackforthehardworkyouaredoing.
Thengotobedonehourearlier
asagifttoyourbody.
Doyouhavesomethingonyourmind?
Thentakeawalkinthesun.
Underthewarmthofthesun,
yourbrainwillreleaseserotonin,whichcalmsthemind.
Ifyouletyourmindlingeronthequestion
withouttryingtoohardtofindthesolution,
![Page 27: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/27.jpg)
ananswerwillemergeonitsown.
Ifyoukeephopingtobecomfortedbyothers,
youcanfeelweigheddownbythatneed.
Ifyouhaveaconstantneedtobeheard,
nobodycanmeetthatneedtoyourcompletesatisfaction.
Ratherthanalwaysseekingcomfortfromothers,
offeryourcomfortandlistentoothers.
Intheprocessofhelping,
youwillbehealed.
Insteadofalotteryticket,
buysomeflowersforyourselfandyourfamily.
Ifyoubuyflowersandplacetheminthelivingroom,
youwillfeellikeawinnereverytime
andfindabundantbeauty
wheneveryoupassbythelivingroom.
Hassomethingdisappointedyou?
Hassomethingmadeyousad?
It’stheschooloflifetryingtoteachyouanimportantlesson.
Whenyoufeelready,takethetimetounderstandthelesson.
Theworldwillkeepturningevenwithoutyou.
Letgooftheideathatyourwayistheonlyway,
thatyouaretheonlyonewhocanmakeithappen.
Themoregratefulwefeel,thehappierwebecome.
Thisisbecausegratitudehelpsusrealizeweareallconnected.
Nobodyfeelslikeanislandwhenfeelinggrateful.
Gratitudeawakensustothetruthofourinterdependentnature.
![Page 28: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/28.jpg)
Ifyougenuinelycareforothersandlookforwaystohelpotherssucceed,
youwon’tneedtolookforwaystoboostyourmood.
Aselflessandkindactwillliftyourspiritandself-worth.
Ifyouarehavingabadday,seeifyoucanfindawaytohelpsomeoneelse.
Evenasmallgestureofhelpwillmakeyoufeelbetter.
![Page 29: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/29.jpg)
C H A P T E R T W O
Mindfulness
![Page 30: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/30.jpg)
BefriendYourEmotions
EVERSINCEIbecameactiveonTwitterandFacebook,peoplehavebeensendingmemessagesaskingformyadvice.Themostfrequentlyaskedquestionishowtodealwithstrongnegativeemotions,suchasanger,hatred,andjealousy.
Thegoodnewsisthatthoseraisingthisquestionarealreadyhalfwaythere.Thefactthattheyareaskingthequestionindicatesthattheyaremindfulenoughtonoticethenegativestateoftheirownmind,whichisnotaneasythingtodo.Mostpeoplearecompletelyabsorbedintheiremotionsandhavelimitedself-awareness.Thepeoplewhohaveaskedmethisquestionnoticedwhatwashappeningintheirmindsastheywerebeingsweptintoawhirlwindofnegativeemotions,sloweddown,andthensentmeamessage.Whenpeoplesenseanegativeemotioncomingon,theirfirstimpulseistocontrolitsothattheydonotfeeloverwhelmedorthreatenedbyit.Iftheycan,theywouldliketogetridofitimmediatelyorfleefromit;theyrarelythinkitmeritsdeeperunderstanding.Thisisprobablywhypeopleusesuchexpressionsas“managinganger”or“overcominghatred”insteadof“befriendingyouremotion.”
Itisdifficulttoquicklycontrolastrongnegativeemotion;themorewetrytocontrolit,themoreitbecomesagitatedandresurfaces.Evenifwecontrolit,wemayendupmerelysuppressingit,onlyforittoreemergelater.Imaginethatastrongnegativeemotionislikemudswirlinginsideafishtank.Togetthemudtosinktothebottomofthetanksoyoucanhaveaclearviewofthefish,thelastthingyouwanttodoissubmergeyourhandsinthemuddywaterandtrytopushthemudtothebottom.Themoreyoutrytopushitdown,themoreyouchurnitup.Similarly,inanattempttocontrolanegativeemotion,youmaytrytopushitdown.Unfortunately,theharderyoutry,themoreitresurfaces.
Sowhatshouldwedo?Howcanwebetterunderstandournegativeemotionsandtrytoresolvetheminsteadofsuppressingthem?Theanswerisfairlysimple.Allwehavetodoisseparatetherawenergyofnegativeemotionsfromlinguisticlabelslike“anger”or“hatred”andthenwitnessitcalmlyuntiltheenergymorphsintosomethingelse.Whatisimportanthereisnottogetattachedtowordslike“anger,”“hatred,”and“jealousy,”and
![Page 31: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/31.jpg)
insteadtowitnesstherawenergybehindthelabels.Althoughitmaybesubtle,theenergyconstantlychangeswhilethelabelremainsstatic.Ifyoupeelthelabeloffandgetintouchwiththerawenergy,yousoonrealizethatthenegativeemotionisonlytemporary,onethatchangeswithoutyourefforts.Therefore,muchlikeamirrorreflectswhatisbeforeitwithoutjudgmentoridentificationwiththeimage,simplyreflectthenegativeemotion—let’ssayit’sanger—andwatchdispassionately.Youwillseetheangerslowlychangingshape,eitherrevealingadeeperlayerofemotionordisappearingonitsown.Ifanotherlayerofemotionisrevealingitself,attendtoitthewayyoudidwithyouranger.
Whenyoutrytounderstandsomething,it’softenmosteffectivetosetasideyourpreconceptionsandobserveitquietlysothattheobjectofyourexaminationrevealswhatneedstobeunderstood.Insteadofdivingintothemuddywaterofyouremotionasawaytoconquerit,youshouldobserveitfromtheoutsideandletitsettledownandtransformonitsown.AsthespiritualteacherJidduKrishnamurtisaid,pureattentionwithoutjudgmentisnotonlythehighestformofhumanintelligence,butalsotheexpressionoflove.Observethechangingenergybothattentivelyandlovinglyasitunfoldsinthespaceofyourmind.
Icanimaginesomeonewondering,“Whatissogreataboutjustobserving?Isn’titavoidingreality?”Theanswerisquitetheopposite:Youarenotavoidingit;youareactuallystaringstraightintoit.Ratherthangettingcaughtintheemotionwithoutanyself-awareness,youareinquiringandthenfeelingwhatisthere.Asyougetbetteratit,youwillrealizethatthenegativeemotionisnotafixedreality.Itnaturallyemergesandretreatswithinthespaceofyourawareness,regardlessofyourwill.Onceyouawakentothistruth,youwillnotbeswayedbynegativeemotionsandcanregardthemasapassingcloud
![Page 32: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/32.jpg)
insteadofidentifyingwiththemasadefiningpartofyourself.Donotfightyournegativeemotions.Observeandbefriendthem.
Ifyouwantrevengebecauseyourfeelingsarehurt,
allyoucanseeisyourownsuffering.
Butifyoucalmyourselfandlookmoredeeply,
youwillseethatthepersonwhohurtyouissuffering,too.
Inthechambersofourheart,
wehavetwotenantslivingsidebyside:
AdolfHitlerandMotherTeresa.
![Page 33: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/33.jpg)
Whenweareovercomebyinsecurityandfear,
wefeeltheinnerworkingsofHitler.
Whenweareintouchwithloveandconnection,
wehearthegentlevoiceofMotherTeresa.
WeloseinterestinmoviesorTVseries
inwhichgoodcharactersarealwaysgoodandbadonesarealwaysbad.
Thisdoesnotmatchuptoreality.
Nopersonisalwaysgoodorbad.
“Nopersoncanbefound
Whohasbeen,is,orwillbe
Onlycriticized
Oronlypraised.”
—THEDHAMMAPADA*
Amoralpuristwhoisquicktojudgeothers
oftenfailstoseetheflawswithinhimself.
Whensomeonecriticizesanother,
youmightthinkhedeservesit.
Butifyoulookmoreclosely,
you’llseethatthecriticiscomplainingbecausehedidnotgethisway.
Sodonotbesoeasilyswayed.
Whenyouattacksomeone,
itisoftenbecauseyouareafraid.
Afriendstartstalkingillofsomeoneyoudon’tlike,
andyouagreewholeheartedly.
Butthenyoucan’thelpbutwonder,
“WhenI’mnotaround,doesshespeakillofmetoo?”
![Page 34: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/34.jpg)
Gossipcanbecatharticinthemoment,
butittravelsfastandcanbiteyouback.
Thereasonyouregardmeaspureandcompassionate
isthatyouarepureandcompassionateyourself.
Whenpeoplewhodon’tknowyouwelladmireyou,
theyareseeingtheirprojectedillusion,notyourrealself.
Incontrast,whenpeoplewhoknowyouwellrespectyou,
itisprobablybecauseyoudeserveit.
Someaskifswallowingyourprideisconcedingdefeat.
Idon’tthinkso.Humilityisasignofinnerstrengthandwisdom.
Whenyouswallowyourpride,realcommunicationbecomespossible.
Wecanfinallyheareachotherandeventuallysolveourproblems.
Whensomeonetellsyou,“No,”
don’treactemotionallyandlosecontrol.
“No”mayopenupasurprisingnewworldtoyou.
“No”mayunexpectedlyleadyoutogoodpeople.
Ifyoubegintopushbackagainsttheunchangeable“No,”
youwillsufferintheprocessandmissotheropportunities.
Yourbossasksyoutorunanerrandthathaslittletodowithyourjob.
Ratherthangettingannoyed,justdoitandletitgo.
Donotturnsomethingtrivialintoamajorsourceofagony
bywastingtimeandenergythinkingaboutitendlessly.
IfIhadtosummarizetheentiretyofmostpeople’slivesinafewwords,
itwouldbeendlessresistancetowhatis.
Asweresist,weareinconstantmotiontryingtoadjust,
andyetwestillremainunhappyaboutwhatis.
![Page 35: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/35.jpg)
IfIhadtosummarizetheentiretyofanenlightenedperson’slifeinafewwords,
itwouldbecompleteacceptanceofwhatis.
Asweacceptwhatis,ourmindsarerelaxedandcomposed
whiletheworldchangesrapidlyaroundus.
Donottrytocontrolthosearoundyou.
Whenyoucannotcontrolevenyourownmind,
whatmakesyouthinkyoucancontrolothers?
ThingsIlikedwhenIwasyoungbutnowcouldn’tcarelessabout:
Airplanerides,all-you-can-eatbuffets,horrormovies,stayingupallnight.
ThingsIenjoynowthatIamolder:
Mozart,brownrice,meditation,spendingtimealone,regularexercise.
Wechangewithoutrealizingit.Weareinthemidstofchangeevennow.
Donotlamentthattheworldhaschanged.
Donotresentthatpeoplehavechanged.
Evaluatingthepresentthroughthememoriesofthepastcancausesadness.
Whetheryoulikeitornot,changeisinevitable.
Embraceandwelcomeit.
Whetheritisanobject,athought,orafeeling,
ifithasemergedoutofemptiness,
itwillsoonchangeitsformand
eventuallyretreatbacktoemptiness.
SeekersinsearchoftheeternalTruth
mustlookbeyonditsimpermanentnatureand
becomeawareof“that”whichknowsimpermanence.
Themonkmostveneratedbyothermonksisnottheonewho
appearsmostholy,
![Page 36: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/36.jpg)
preachesthebest,
runsthelargesttemple,
mostaccuratelypredictsthefuture,
hastheabilitytocureillness.
Heistheonewhoteachesthroughhisownactions.
Hepossessesnoauraofself-importance,
andsacrificeshimselffirstforthecommunity.
Spiritualitymustbepracticed
notjustinsolitudebutalsoamongpeople.
Openuptopeoplearoundyouandfeelconnected.
Thisisthetruechallengeofspiritualpractice.
Ifyouaresincereaboutreachingenlightenment,
youcanlearnevenfromachild,
orfromthepersonwhoinsultsyouonthestreet.
Theentireworldbecomesyourteacher.
Thepersonleadingyoutowardspiritualawakening
isnottheonewhopraisesyouorisnicetoyou.
Yourspiritualitydeepensbecauseofthose
whoinsultyouandgiveyouahardtime.
Theyareyourspiritualteachersindisguise.
Howcanyoutellifsomeoneistrulyenlightened?
Showerhimwithbothpraiseandcriticism.
Ifheshowssignsofbeingsusceptibletoeither,
thenitmeanshehasforgottenhisenlightenednature.
Ouremotionsarecapricious,liketheweatherinLondon.
Oneminute,whensomeonecriticizesus,weareoffendedandfurious.
Thenextminute,whensomeonepraisesus,wefeelproudandpompous.
![Page 37: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/37.jpg)
Unlesswerecognizethestillpointbeneaththesurfaceofourchangingemotions,
wewillfeelwearehostagetotheirwhims.
Someoneadvancedinspiritualpracticehasthefollowingattitude.
Inalargecommunity,shelivesasthoughsheisalone.
Shemindsherownbusinesswithoutmeddlinginothers’.
Whenalone,sheactsasthoughsheisinalargecommunity.
Shefollowsherregimenwithoutslidingintolaziness.
Agreatspiritualteachercanwaitforherstudentstomature.
Shefeelsnoneedtoboastoforproveherenlightenment.
Sheneitherimposesherteachingsnorasksstudentstofollowherexclusively.
Sheletsherstudentsbesotheycangrowontheirown.
Whenadeep,honestconversation
makesusfeelconnectedtosomeone,
webecomeveryhappy.
Thesamedeepconnectionwithourselvesispossible
bywhollyacceptingwhoweareand
realizingtheenlightenednatureofourselves.
This,too,isasourceofincomparablehappinessandfreedom.
![Page 38: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/38.jpg)
WhenYouAreFeelingLow
“HaeminSunim,I’mfeelinglow.WhatshouldIdo?”
Quietlyobservethefeelingwithouttryingtochangeit.Itwillchangeonitsown.
Asifgazingatatreeinthebackyard,asifsittingbyariverandwatchingthewaterflowby,quietlyobserveyourfeelingsasiftheyareexternaltoyou.Ifyouobserveyourfeelingsinthiswayforjustthreeminutes,youwillnoticetheirenergyandtextureslowlychanging.
Feelingsareoftenbornfromamatrixofconditionsbeyondyourcontrol.Justlikeyoucan’tcontroltheweather,oryourboss’smood,youcan’tcontrolthefeelingsinyourbody.Theyarejustpassingthrough,likecloudsinthesky.They,too,dissipateontheirown.
Butifyoutakethemtooseriouslyandstartinternalizingthemaspartofyouridentity,thenyouwillresuscitatethemeverytimeyouthinkaboutthepast.Rememberthatyouareneitheryourfeelingsnorthestoryyourmindtellsaboutyoutomakesenseofthem.Youarethevastsilencethatknowsoftheiremergenceandtheirdisappearance.
Whenthemindlooksoutward,
![Page 39: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/39.jpg)
itisswayedbytheheavywindsoftheworld.
Butwhenthemindfacesinward,
wecanfindourcenterandrestinstillness.
Peopleask:“HowcanIclearmyheadwhenImeditate?
ThemoreItry,themoremythoughtsseemtoarise.”
Thisiscompletelynatural—becausetryingtoclearyourheadisalsoathought.
Donottrytogetridofyourthoughts—itwon’twork.
Instead,witnesstheemergenceofathought.
Witnessthedisappearanceofathought.
Themomentyoubecomeawareofit,
themindquietsandbecomesclear.
Weliketotalkaboutthingsexternaltoourselves
becauseourmindsareaccustomedtoflowingoutintotheworld.
Spiritualpractitioners,however,reversetheflowandlookinward.
Theystoptalkingaboutexternalmatters
andtrainthemselvestobecomeintimatewiththemind.
Ofallthewordsthatpouroutofourmouthseveryday,
howmanyarereallyours,
andhowmanyareborrowedfromothers?
Howoftendowesaysomethingoriginal?
Istheresuchathingasourownwordsanyway?
Withineachofus,thereisaninnerwitness
quietlyobservingwhatgoesoninsideandoutsideofus.
Bornfromaplaceofsilenceandwisdom,
evenwhentheworldchurnsupastormofemotions,
thewitnesssitscalmlyintheeyeofthestorm,
unharmed,luminous,andall-knowing.
![Page 40: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/40.jpg)
Ifyouwishtoclearawaythecloudsofyourthoughts,
simplykeepyourmindinthepresent.
Thecloudsofthoughtlingeronlyinthepastorthefuture.
Bringyourmindtothepresent,andyourthoughtswillrest.
Ratherthanrepeating,
“Itisawful!Itisawful!”
starestraightintotheawfulfeeling.
Quietly.
Examinethefeeling.
Canyouseeitsimpermanentnature?
Letthefeelingleavewhenitsaysitwantstogo.
Everythinginthisuniverseisevanescent.
Becauseitisevanescent,itisalsoprecious.
Spendthispreciousmomentwiselyandbeautifully.
Themindcannothavetwothoughtsatonce.
Seeifyoucanthinktwothoughtsatexactlythesametime.
Well?Isitpossible?
Wecanbeconsumedbyangerforalongtime
withoutrealizingwehavebeenangry.
Similarly,weareeasilylostinthought
withoutknowingwehavebeenthinking.
Evenwhenweareawake
wearenodifferentfromasleepwalker.
Wedothingswithouttheawarenessofdoingthem.
Justbecauseoureyesareopendoesnotmeanweareawake.
Beingawakemeansthat
![Page 41: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/41.jpg)
youknowwhatishappeningwithinyourfieldofawareness.
Ratherthanblindlyfollowingyourthoughtsandfeelings,
stayawakeandrecognizethestateofyourmindbeforeitistoolate.
Atmealtimes,weoftendonotrealizehowmuchwe’veeatenuntilwestandup.
Spiritualpracticeisallaboutbeingmindfulofeachmoment.
Ifyouareawareinthemomentthatyourstomachisgettingfull,
thenyouarespirituallyadvanced.
Ourconsciousnessoftendoesnotknowwhatoursubconsciouswants.
Wethinkwewantsomething,butwhenwegetit,werealizewewantedsomethingelse.
Whenyouwishtohearthevoiceofyoursubconscious,trymeditation.
Meditationopensasecretpathtoyoursubconscious.
Ourconsciousnessmaydesiremoney,power,andprestige,
butoursubconsciousdesiresselflesslove,
harmony,humor,beauty,sacredness,peace,andacceptance.
Whenwelistentosilence,wecanhearsubtlevibrations.
Whilelisteningtothevibrations,askasimplequestion:
Whatisitthatislistening?
Thereisnolistener.
Thereisonlylistening.
“WhenIgazeuponwater,Ibecomewater.
WhenIlookataflower,Ibecometheflower.
Theflowerridingonthewater,yippee!”
—ZENMASTERSEO-ONG(1912–2003)
Whenourbodiesarefitandhealthy,wefeellight,almostlikeair.
Butjustbecausewefeellightdoesnotmeanourbodiesarenotthere.
Ittakesalotofeffortforourfitnesstoappearnaturalandeffortless.
![Page 42: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/42.jpg)
Butjustbecauseitappearseffortlessdoesnotmeanthatnoeffortwasmade.
Whatwecallour“spirit”or“enlightenednature”existslikeair,
solightandnaturalthatwearenotawareofit,
unlesswetrainourselvestobemindfulofit.
Alongtimeago,
therewasonlyonemind,
whichbecameboredbybeingaloneforsolong.
Soitdecidedtosplitintotwo.
Butsincethetwoknewtheywereoriginallyone,
playingtogetherwasnotmuchfun—
asifplayingbothsidesofachessgame.
Sothetwomindsagreedtoforgetwheretheycamefrom;
theypretendednottoknoweachother.
Astimepassed,theyalsoforgotabouttheiragreement.
Theyforgottheywereactuallyoneandthesame.
Thisistheconditionofourexistence.
Weforgetthatweareoriginallyfromonemind.
Whenanenlightenedpersontranscendsthedualityofyouandme,
sheseeslifeasonelongplay.
Thisiswhysheremainshumorousandlighthearted.
![Page 43: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/43.jpg)
Sheplaysherrolebutneverforgetsitisaperformance.
Lifeisliketheater.Youareassignedarole.
Ifyoudon’tliketherole,
keepinmindthatyouhavethepowertore-createtheroleyouwant.
![Page 44: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/44.jpg)
C H A P T E R T H R E E
Passion
![Page 45: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/45.jpg)
![Page 46: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/46.jpg)
TemperYourEagerness
ALTHOUGHISTILLfeltlikeastudent,beforeIknewitIhad“PhD”aftermynameandhadbecomeacollegeprofessorinasmalltowninMassachusetts.Istillrecallvividlyhowmyheartpoundedatthethoughtofmeetingmystudentsforthefirsttime.Iwasfilledwitheageranticipation,muchlikeateenagergoingonablinddate.Itriedtorememberthemanywonderfulteacherswhohadtaughtme,andIhopedIwouldembodysomeoftheirskillandauthenticpresence.
OfthetwocoursesIwasteachingthatfirstsemester,onewasthesubjectthathadbeenthemostinspiringtomewhenIwasastudent—IntroductiontoBuddhistMeditation.Ididn’twantthisclasstobemerelytheoretical;Iwantedtoprovidestudentswithachancetoactuallyexperiencemeditationforthemselves.Ihopedthatlater,evenaftertheygraduatedfromcollege,theywouldturntomeditationwhenconfrontedwithdifficultiesintheirlives.IthoughtthebestgiftIcouldgivemystudentswastheabilitytoobservetheirownmindsobjectivelyandnotbecaughtupintheirever-changingthoughtsandemotions.
Istillremembermyfirstlecturelikeitwasyesterday.Beforegoingintothatclass,IwasworriedaboutwhatIwouldsayandhowIwouldsayit,butIendedupspeakingpassionatelyabouttheincrediblerarityofwhatiscalled“karmicaffinity”inBuddhism.Itoldthestudentsthat,accordingtoBuddhistteachings,ourgatheringtherethatdaywasnottheproductofmerechance,buttheresultofourhavingmetovercountlesslifetimes.Ialsosaidthatsinceourtimetogetherwassucharare,preciousoccurrence,weshouldaimforaproductivesemester.Asmanyofthestudentswerefreshmen,theywereverysincereandseemedtohavegreatexpectationsforcollege.Theclasssizewaslimitedtotwenty-fivestudents,soitwasnotdifficultformetolearnalltheirnames,andIwasabletohavebriefchatswitheachofthem.Ifoundoutwhytheyweretakingtheclassandwhattheyhopedtolearn.IlikedthemallandpromisedmyselfIwoulddedicatemytimeandenergytotheireducation.
Myenthusiasmbecameevenmoreevidentastheclassbegan.Igavemystudentsalittlemorehomeworkthantheotherprofessors,asIfelttheurgetoteachthemasmuchasIcould.WhenIreceivedtheirassignments,IgradedthemverycarefullyandasquicklyasIcould.Inaddition,Iaskedthestudents
![Page 47: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/47.jpg)
topracticemeditationeverydayandtokeepjournalsoftheirexperiences.Whileotherprofessorstypicallyhostedonedinnerwiththeirstudentstowardtheendoftheterm,Iheldgatheringsseveraltimes,includingapicnictoalocalBuddhistmonastery.Once,IaskedmystudentstojoinmeatalocalchurchforatalkgivenbyaprominentAmericanVipassanameditationteacher.
Asthesemesterprogressed,Ibegantorealizethatmyeagernesswascreatingsomeproblems.IthoughtthatifIdidmyutmosttoteachthestudents,theywouldtrytheirbesttofollowalong.ThemajorityofstudentsseemedgratefulthatIwasgivingthemavarietyofexperiences,butafewappearedtiredandseemedtoloseinterest.Studentsbegancomingtoclasswithouthavingdonetheirassignments,somewithouthavingcompletedthereadings.Anumberofthembrazenlydeclaredthatsincethevisitstothemonasteryandthelocalchurchwerenotpartoftheclass,theyshouldn’thavetoattend.Ibegantofeeldisappointedandevenhurt.Icouldn’thelpmyself.IwasdoingeverythingIcouldforthem,andtheywererejectingwhatIwasoffering.
Iexaminedthisfeelingofdisappointment.WhenIsawthesituationmoreclearly,IrealizedhowunskillfullyIhadbeenconductingmyself.Thisclasswasjustoneoutoffourthestudentsweretaking.Importantasthesubjectwastome,theothercourseswereequallyimportanttothem.Itwasonlynaturalthattheycouldn’tinvestalltheirtimeinmycourse,butIhadn’tbeenabletoseethatclearlyandhadbeencaughtupinmyowndesiretoteach.
Nomatterhoweffectivethemedicinemaybe,ifyoudemandthatsomeonetakeit,itcantastelikepoison.Myteachingstylewasbecomingpoisonoustosomestudents.Afterthisrealization,inthemiddleofthesemesterIalteredtheclasstofindanappropriatebalancebetweenmypassionforteachingandmystudents’capacitytolearn.Tomyamazement,thestudentsnoticedthedifferencealmostimmediatelyandbegantorespondpositively.Ididn’tburdenthemwithmyoverzealousness,andtheyslowlyrediscoveredtheirinterestintheclassontheirownterms.Whenthathappened,IrealizedsomethingIshouldhaveknownallalong.
Whenwe’refirstgivenajob,especiallyonewe’vebeenworkingtowardforalongtime,it’seasytobecomeoverlyenthusiastic,asweareeagertoproveourselves.Butinourexcitement,wemakethemistakeofequatingourowneagernesswitheffectiveness.Gettingthejobdonewellismoreimportantthanone’sfeelingsofdoingagoodjob.Ittakeswisdomtodiscernthatthesetwoarenotalwaysrelated.Insomecases,one’szealouseffortscangetinthewayofachievingthedesiredoutcome,especiallyifoneisunabletoseetheneedsoftheothersworkingtowardittogether.
![Page 48: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/48.jpg)
Onlywhenweknowhowtocontrolthisoverflowingpassioncanweworkharmoniouslyandeffectivelywithothers.Onlythencanweeffectivelyshareourenthusiasmwiththosearoundus.
Thetollofabellisheardfarandwideonlywhenthebellisstruckhard.
Yourinfluencewon’tspreadfarwithoutthesacrificeofhardwork.
Theworldnoticesyoureffortsmorequicklythanyouthink.
Itisimportantthatyouworkhard,
butdon’tbeenamoredofthefeelingofworkinghard.
Ifyouaredrunkonthatfeeling,thenyoucarelessabouttheactualwork
thanabouthowyouappeartootherstobeworkinghard.
Themostdangerouspeople
arethosewhohavepassionbutlackwisdom.
Ifyouwanttopredicthowapoliticianwillactafterwinninganelection,
lookathowhecurrentlylivesandhowhehasbehavedinthepast.
Apersondoesnotlivethewayhesayshewould.
Helivesthewayhehasbeenliving.
![Page 49: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/49.jpg)
Historically,thepeoplewhobringaboutchangeinsociety
tendtobenotthemiddle-agedbutthepassionateyouth.
Theirheartsaresensitivetotheplightoftheoppressed.
Theirspiritsstandtallagainstinjusticeandfightforthevoiceless.
Holdontothatyouthfulheartandspiritnomatterhowoldyouare.
Everyoneiskindtosomeonetheymeetforthefirsttime.
Thequestionishowlongtheirkindnesslasts.
Don’tbefooledjustbecausesomeoneisnicetoyouatfirst.
Whenhiring,lookbeyondskillsandexperience
toseeifthecandidateknowshowtoenjoyherjob.
Peoplewhoenjoytheirworkareusuallymoresuccessfulthanthosewhodon’t.
Nomatterwhatwedo,
thetopbuttonofourbusinessmustbefastenedproperly.
Ifwethink,“I’lljustdoitthiswayfornowandfixitlater,”
itusuallydoesnothappen,
becauselaterwemaynothavethemotivationtofixit,
orwejustgetusedtothewayitis.
Itislikemovingintoahouseanddecidingtofixitupovertime.
Evenaftermanyyears,wenevergetaroundtofixingitup.
Weendupjustlivingwiththewaythingsareforalongtime.
Someonethinks,“I’llstudyhardsoIcangetintoaprestigiouscollege.”
Someoneelsethinks,“I’llstudyhardsoIcanteachmysister,
whocannotattendschoolbecausemyfamilycannotaffordtosendher.”
Althoughtheybothhavethesamedeterminationtostudyhard,
theirmotivationsarequitedifferent.
Avowtohelpotherscansummonimmenseenergyfromwithin.
ThisiswhypeopletaketheBodhisattvavowstosaveallsentientbeings
beforeembarkingonajourneyofspiritualenlightenment.
![Page 50: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/50.jpg)
Whenyouaremakingadecision,trytoassesshowmanypeopleitwillbenefit.
Ifitsatisfiesonlyyouregoandunnecessarilyhurtsmany,thenitisthewrongdecision.
Bethekindofpersonwhocanputyourselfinsomeoneelse’sshoes
andunderstandsomethingnotjustfromyourownperspective
butfromtheirsaswell.
Areyoutryingtogetclosertosomeone?
Isitbecauseyouwantsomethingfromhim?
Ifyouwishtobetrulyclose,thendiscardyourulteriormotives.
Whenyouaregenuinelykind,withoutanagenda,
thenotherswillmorereadilyopenuptoyou.
Somepeoplearegenerousandkindtothoseoutsidetheircircle
whileneglectingtheneedsofthosewithinit.
Itisamistaketotakefamilyandclosecolleaguesforgranted.
Whenthoseclosesttoyoufeelignoredandbetrayed,
everythingyouhavebuiltcancollapseinaninstant.
Alargeboulderisanexampletous
ofhowtostaytrueandnottowaver
evenwhenwavesofpraiseorcriticismrushoverus.
![Page 51: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/51.jpg)
BeingRightIsn’tImportant;BeingHappyTogetherIs
Everyoneofushasbeliefs,values,andthoughtsthatarefundamentaltousandthatwecannotimaginecompromisingon.Webelievetheseareirrefutablyrightandthateveryonewouldagreeiftheycametotheirsenses.Buteveryonceinawhilewehavetospendtimewithpeoplewhodonotshareourconvictions.
Wemayclashoverpoliticalviews,religiousbeliefs,orlifevalues.Iftheconversationtouchesonthesetopics,itquicklybecomesanargument.Noonefeelstheyarebeingheardorrespected,andwhatremainsismostlyanger,confusion,andhurt.
Wemustaskwhetheritwasworthwhileifwemakeeachotherfeelunhappyorhurtinthenameofdefendingourbeliefs.Insteadofmaintainingthesanctityofourvalues,shouldn’twecaremoreaboutthepersonsittinginfrontofus?Isn’titbettertobehappytogetherthantoberightalone?
Tryingtoconvincesomeonetoadoptourviewsislargelytheworkofourego.Evenifweturnouttoberight,ouregoknowsnosatisfactionandseeksanewargumenttoengagein.
Maturitycomeswithexperience.Onelessonofmaturityisthatweshouldnottakeourthoughtstooseriously,andmustlearntocurbouregoandseethebiggerpicture.
Beingrightisn’tnearlyasimportantasbeinghappytogether.
![Page 52: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/52.jpg)
![Page 53: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/53.jpg)
Insteadofbeingthesmartestpersonintheroom,quicktocritiqueothers,
bethewarmheartedfriend,bringingpeopletogetherandsharingthings.
Bethesensitiveneighbor,capableoffeelingthesufferingofothers.
IfIwanttoconvincesomeone,
Ifirstlistenattentivelyandtrytounderstandthem.
EvenifIamright,theywon’tbeconvinceduntiltheyfeelheardandrespected.
Manyconflictsinourlivescanberesolved
ifweputourselvesintheotherperson’sshoes.
Trytolookatthingsfromherpointofview.
Ifyouconsideronlyyourside,
youarenodifferentfromachild.
Ifyougetangrywhiledebatingrightandwrong,
yourenragedvoicehasjustconcededdefeat.
Beingacriticiseasy.
Butifthecritictriestoruntheoperation,
hesoonunderstandsthatnothingisaseasyashiscriticisms.
Criticismwithoutasolutionismerelyaninflationofthecritic’sego.
Whenyouhearsomethingthatmakesyourbloodboil,
don’tshootoffatextorane-mailrightaway.
Awisepersonsleepsonit.
Aninstantemotionalreactionoftenleadstoaregrettableoutcome.
Itiseasytomakepeoplefeelspecial.
Peopleusuallyprefertalkingtolistening.
Askmanyopen-endedquestionsandlistenwithgenuineinterest.
Theywillfeelflatteredbyyourattention,andevenlikeyou.
![Page 54: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/54.jpg)
Apowerfulpersonisoftensurroundedbyonlyyes-men,
helpingtheirbossfeelimportantandexceptional.
Ifthepeoplearoundyoualwaysagreewithyou,
theyareprobablyopportunists,notloyalists.
Whenaquestionhasbothalong,complicated,butlogical-soundinganswer
andasimpleanswerthatcanbeunderstoodbyevenachild,
therightanswerisusuallythesimpleone.
Whenyouaskaquestion
andthereisnoresponse,
thenthatistheanswer.
Thereareonlythosewhoknowtheirshortcomings
andthosewhodonot.
Nobodyisperfect.
Everyonehasshortcomings.
Ifsomeonelooksperfect,
thenthatisbecauseyoudon’tknowthepersonverywell.
“Don’ttrytomakeitperfect.Instead,makeitinteresting!”
—ANINTERIORDESIGNER’SADVICE
Doyouwanttobehappy,
ordoyouwanttoappearhappy?
Nevermindwhattheworldtellsyoutodotobehappy.
Betruthfultoyourselfanddiscoverwhatyoureallywant.
Choosehappiness,notsuccess,asyourlife’sgoal.
Ifyoubecomesuccessfulbutaren’thappy,thenwhatisthepoint?
Therearethosewhowanttobecomesuccessful
![Page 55: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/55.jpg)
inordertothumbtheirnosesatthepeoplewholookeddownonthem.
Butwhathappensafteryouachievesuccess?
Whatdoyoudoafterprovingthattheywerewrong?
Ifyouwanttotrulysucceed,don’tuseanyoneelse’syardstick.
Meaningfulpraiseisfromsomeoneinthesamefieldasyou.
Itisworthpraisefromtenormorepeopleoutsideyourfield.
Professionalshavetheirtalentsandareasofexpertise.
Ifaclienttriestocontrolandmonitoreverydetail,
theprofessionalcannotworkatfullcapacityandfeelsinhibited.
Ifyouwantthebestresult,watchwithinterestbutknowwhentobackoff.
Aveterandoctor,lawyer,oraccountantwon’tnecessarilyprovidebetterservice
thanthepassionateyoungprofessionalwhohasbeeninthefieldonlyafewyears.
Theamountofattentionyougetisoftenmoreimportant
thantheprofessional’sillustriouscareerhistory.
Aftermasteringeighteenlevelsofkungfu,
youcanhurtsomeonewiththeflickofafinger.
Butifyougoontomasterallthirty-sixlevels,
youchoosetoretreatwhentheweakfoolishlycometofight.
![Page 56: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/56.jpg)
Areyoumovingup?
Areyoudoingwell?
Thenseewhetheryouaresucceedingattheexpenseofothers,
oralongwithothers.
Ifyoushoveothersasideonthewaytosuccess,
thenyouwillbepulledunderoncethetidechanges.
![Page 57: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/57.jpg)
C H A P T E R F O U R
Relationships
![Page 58: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/58.jpg)
![Page 59: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/59.jpg)
TheArtofMaintainingaGoodRelationship
MANYOFUSinvesttimeandmoneytoliveinanicehouse,driveafancycar,andappearyoungandbeautiful.Buthowmuchdoweinvestintheintangible,likegoodrelationships?Ifwearefortunateenoughtobesurroundedbyfamilyandfriendswholoveusforwhoweareandgenuinelycareforourwell-being,wefeelsecureandemotionallystableeveninthefaceofchallenges.Ontheotherhand,evenifwepossessourdreamhouse,aluxurycar,andaperfectbody,weremaindeeplyunhappyifthereareproblemsinourrelationships.Whentheproblemspersistwithoutanyresolutioninsight,webecomedepressedandeventhinkofcommittingsuicide.Ifhappinessiswhatwehopetoachieveinourlives,shouldn’tweputmoreeffortintocultivatinggoodrelationshipswiththepeoplearoundus?
INMYTWENTIES,Iwentonatwo-weekbackpackingtripinEuropewithaclosefriendfrommymonastery.WhenwearrivedattheairportinRome,ourspiritswerehigh.Wehadknowneachotherforacoupleofyearsandgotalongverywell.Ilikedhissenseofhumorandwarmheartednature,andheappreciatedmyadventurousspiritandoptimism.SincehedidnotspeakmuchEnglish,Ifeltobligatedtostayclosetohim.Afterthefirstsevendaysofspendingeverymomenttogether,we’drunoutofthingstotalkaboutandbothbecameirritable.Itwasnotbecauseofanyconcreteprobleminourfriendship;itwasjustthatwelongedforsometimealone.SothefollowingmorningIsuggestedwetakedifferentroutesandmeetupatthehostelatnight.Myfriendwelcomedmysuggestion.
AsIleftthehostel,Ifeltfree—IknewIcouldchoosetodowhateverIlikedfortheday;Ididnothavetonegotiatewithmyfriendaboutwheretogofirstandwhattoseenext.Butasthemorningturnedintotheafternoon,Iwasremindedoftheadvantagesoftravelingwithafriend.WhenIneededtogototherestroom,Icouldnolongerrelyonmyfriendtowatchmybackpack.Eatingalonewasnofun;itfeltmorelikeachorethanatimeforenjoymentandrelaxation.Ididn’ttakeanypicturesofmyselfthatdaybecauseIdidnotwanttobotherstrangers.WhenIencounteredsomethingbeautiful,suchasafamouspieceofart,Iwasnotasthrilledsincetherewasnoonetosharetheexcitementwith.WhenIarrivedatourhostelattheendoftheday,Iwas
![Page 60: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/60.jpg)
quitehappytoseemyfriend.Overdinnerwefoundmanynewthingstotalkaboutinrecountingourrespectivedays.
FromthisexperienceIrealizedthattheartofmaintainingagoodrelationshipcanbecomparedtosittingbyafireplace.Ifwesittooclosefortoolong,webecomehotandpossiblyburned.Ifwesittoofaraway,wecannotfeelthewarmth.Similarly,nomatterhowwellwegetalongwithsomeone,ifwesticktooclosewithoutbuildinginsomepersonalspace,wesoonfeeltrappedandburnedout;itiseasytotaketherelationshipforgrantedandfeelresentfulaboutnothavingenoughprivacyandindependence.Ontheotherhand,ifweputintoolittleefforttostayintouchwithfriendsandfamily,wecan’tfeelthewarmthoftheirlove.Strikingabalanceiskey.
IHEARDAstoryfromKoreathatholdsanothergoodlessonaboutrelationships.ItisaboutamannamedMaengSa-seong(1360–1438),amemberoftheliteraticlassduringtheJoseonDynasty.Hewasrenownedforhisintelligence:Atagenineteenhereceivedthehighestmarksinthestatecivilserviceexamination,andatagetwentyhebecamecountymagistrate.Buthisquicksuccessmadehimhaughtyandvain.OnedayMaengpaidavisittoaneminentZenBuddhistmasterinhisdistrictandasked,“WhatshouldIkeepinmindasIrulethisvillage?”
Themasteransweredpolitely,“Allthatisnecessaryistoavoidevilandtodogoodformany.”
Maengsnapped,“Evenachildknowsthat!Isthatallyouhavetotellme?”
AsMaenggotuptoleave,themasterinsistedhestayabitlonger.Afterbrewingtea,themasterpouredsomeinMaeng’scupbutdidnotstopwhenthecupwasfull.Perplexed,Maengdemandedtoknowwhathewasdoing.
“Youseemtoknowthattoomuchteawillruinthefloor,”themasteranswered,“buthowdoyounotknowthattoomuchknowledgewillruinone’scharacter?”
Embarrassed,Maengsprangtohisfeetandrushedtowardthedoortoleave,butinhishastehehithisheadonthedoorframe.Themastergentlyadmonishedhim:“Ifyouloweryourhead,youwon’tbumpintotrouble.”
Aswecansee,toomuchpridecanbeasourceofconflict.Ifwetreatpeoplewithhumilityandrespect,conflictscanbeavoided.Itisoftenourpridethatencouragesustostandupstraightandwageabattleofwills.Whilefightingtodeterminewhoisrightandwhoiswrong,weendupcausingphysicalandemotionalpain.Somepeopleevendragfamilyandfriendsintotheconflictandcreatemoreunnecessaryconfusionandillwill.Ifsomeone
![Page 61: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/61.jpg)
comesuptomeandsays,“Let’sseewhosereligionisright,”Ifirstlistenrespectfully,thensay,“ThankyouforintroducingmetoaspectsofyourreligionthatIdidn’tknowmuchabout.Iappreciatethat.”IfIweretoengageinanargumentinordertowin,theonlyresultwouldbethatsomeonewouldfeelhurt.EvenifIdidwin,whatgoodwouldresult?Theotherpersonwouldonlyfeeldefeated.
Weallgrowupindifferentenvironments.Ourexperiencesarevaried,andsoareourpersonalities,habits,values,andthoughts.Itisnoteasyfordiversepeopletolivetogetherandtrytoforgerelationships.AccordingtotheBuddhistscriptureTheTreatiseontheKingofTreasuresSamadhi,“Donotexpectotherstofollowyourway.Whenthingsalwaysgoyourway,itiseasytobecomearrogant.”Asweexperienceadversityinourlives,wematureandbecomemoreunderstanding.Justrememberthatthepersonwhohasmadeyourlifedifficulttodaycouldbeanundercoverteachersentfromabove,taskedwithyourspiritualgrowth.
Doyouoftenfeellonelyatworkorinschool?
Perhapsyourheartisclosedofftothosearoundyou.
“Idon’tgether.”
“I’mbetterthanher.”
“We’reondifferentwavelengths.”
Ifyouthinkthisway,howcouldyounotbelonely?
Openyourheart,andhaveacupofcoffeewithher.
Youwillsoonseethatsheisnotthatdifferentfromyou.
Whenyouopenupaboutyourhurtandsorrow,
Ifeelgratefulthatyou’veturnedtomeforsupport.
It’sasthoughIammeetingyouinthemostsacredchamberofyourheart.
Politiciansalwayssaywhatsoundsgood.
Butwhattheysaydoesnotalwaysresonatewithus—
becausetheirwordsarecomingfromtheirhead,notfromtheirheart.
Speakfromyourheart,whichistender,simple,andtrue.
Peoplewillunderstandyou,andlikeyou.
Ifyouthinkyouareeithersuperiororinferiortosomeone,
![Page 62: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/62.jpg)
aninvisiblewallgoesupbetweenyou.
Treathimlikeanoldfriendyouhaven’tseeninawhile.
Whenyouletyourguarddown,sowillhe.
Theendofasushiroll,withthefillingstickingout,
isoftentastierthanapieceslicedneatlyfromthemiddle.
Someoneslickandwell-put-togethercancomeacrossascoldandalienating,
whileanaverageguywithoutpretenseismoregenuineandattractive.
Doyouknowwhythatconversationissoboring?
Becausewearetrappedinpoliteness,unabletospeakfromtheheart.
Anyconversationcanbecomeinterestingandlively
assoonaswestartspeakingwithrealhonesty.
Whensomeoneswearsatyou,
staycalmandcollectedforthirtyseconds.
Then,thatistheendofit.
Butifyoufightbackanddemand,
“Whatisyourproblem?”
youwillhavetospendmoretimewiththatunhappyperson.
Peoplesayhurtfulthingsbecausetheythemselveshavebeenhurt.
Whenyouencountersomeonepricklyandmalicious,
thinkaboutwhatkindofmiserablesituationhemustbein.
Ifheistoomuch,andyoudon’thavetime,
justwhisper,“Blessyou,”andmoveon.
![Page 63: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/63.jpg)
Whenyoucriticizesomeone,seeifyouaredoingsooutofenvy.
Yourcriticismrevealsmoreaboutyourselfthanyourealize.
Evenifyouarecorrect,peoplestillmayfindyouunappealing.
Ifyouwishtocommunicateeffectivelywithothers,
bettertodescribewhatyouarefeelingratherthangoontheoffensive.
Forinstance,say,“Iamverysadtohearthat,”
not,“Whydoyoualwaysmakemesad?”
Youwantpeopletohearyouratherthanhavetodefendthemselvesfromyou.
Whenyouaredisappointed,don’twaittoolongtosayso.
Whenyoubottleupyourfeelings,
theriverofemotionswells,
makingitdifficulttocrossoverandspeakcalmly.
Doyouhavealotofenemies?
Thenbehumbleandstopspeakingillofpeople.
Thosewhodonotmakeenemiesaremorepowerful
thanthosewhohavethestrengthtofightthemallandwin.
Thenoisefromamotorcycle
assaultsthedrivermorethananyone.
Thedriverhasonlyhimselftoblame
![Page 64: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/64.jpg)
whenheisoldandcan’thearanything.
Whenyouspeakillofothers,
ithurtsyoumorethananyone—
becauseyournegativityisloudestwithinyou.
Nomatterhowhurtyouare,youdon’tneedtohavethelastword.
Thelastwordcanobliterateeventhegoodmemories.
Althoughthingshavechanged,
isitnecessarytodiscardallyourmemories,especiallythehappyones?
Whenblindedbyanger,wemakechoiceswelaterregret.
Leavingtheroombeforethebridgeisburnedisasignofmaturity.
Thebestwaytogetevenwithsomeonewhohasleftyou
istomeetsomeonenewandbecomehappyagain.
Plottingforrevengeandremainingjealousaftermanyyears
isaformulaforendlessmisery.
Hecomplainsaboutherbehindherback.
She,withoutknowinganything,approacheshim
andsaysthekindestwords.
Thebestrevengeislove.
EventhemostbeautifulmusicgetstiresomeifIlistentoitconstantly.
ButifIlistentoitaftersometimeaway,itbecomeswonderfulagain.
Theproblemisnotthemusicitself.Itismyrelationshipwithit.
EvenmybestfriendgetsannoyingifIamwithherfortoolong.
ButifIseeherafterabreak,sheiswonderfulagain.
Thetroubleisnottheperson.Itismyrelationshipwithher.
ThereisasayinginanearlyBuddhistscripture:
“Paperwrappedaroundincensesmellsofincense,
andstringbindingfishsmellsoffish.”
![Page 65: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/65.jpg)
Whetherwelikeitornot,
wenaturallybecomeinfluencedbyoursurroundings.
Askyourself,“WhodoIwanttoemulate?
Isthatpersonphysicallyormentallynearby?”
Ifwehelpsomeoneinthehopeofgettingsomethinginreturn,
thisisnotgivingbutlending.
Truegivingisdonewithoutexpectinganythinginreturn.
Italsomeanswerelinquishcontroloverwhatwehavegiven.
Whenconversationturnstosomeone’sflaws,
trynottoparticipateandgentlyredirecttheconversation.
Whenwespeaktoomuch,itiseasytospeakillofsomeone.
Sowhenyoufeeltalkative,justbemindful.
Whenyouareaskedtodosomething,
determineifyoucandoit.
Ifyoucannot,thendeclineassoonaspossible,
thewayinarestaurantyouwouldsendbackthewrongorder.
Ifyoudon’tsenditbackimmediately,youwillhavetopayforit.
Thereisareasonpeopleflocktocertainindividuals.
Theyarewarm,nurturing,andmagnanimous.
Theyaregenerouswiththeirtime,money,andcompliments.
Ifyoutrytoleadpeopleonlybystressingrulesandprinciples,
theywillleaveyou,onebyone.
Agoodleaderknowsthis,andthustriestocultivatevirtue.
AccordingtothewiseConfucianscholarJeongYak-yong(1762–1836):
“Thebestwaytohideyourwealthistogiveitaway.
Ifyouaregenerouswithyourwealth,
themoneythatwouldhavedisappearedsoonerorlater
![Page 66: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/66.jpg)
becomesaneverlastingjewel,deeplyengravedintheheartoftherecipient.”
TheairIinhaleentersmybodyandbecomespartofme.
TheairthatIexhalemovesintosomeoneelseandbecomespartofher.
Justbylookingathowtheairmoves,
werealizeweareallconnectedtooneanother,
notjustfigurativelybutalsoliterally.
“Whetherwelikeitornot,weareallconnected,
anditisunthinkabletobehappyallbyoneself.”
—HISHOLINESSTHEDALAILAMA*
Thewholeuniverseiscontainedinanapplewedgeinalunchbox.
Appletree,sunlight,cloud,rain,earth,air,farmer’ssweatareallinit.
Deliverytruck,gas,market,money,cashier’ssmileareallinit.
Refrigerator,knife,cuttingboard,mother’sloveareallinit.
Everythinginthewholeuniversedependsononeanother.
Now,thinkaboutwhatexistsinyou.
Thewholeuniverseisinus.
![Page 67: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/67.jpg)
![Page 68: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/68.jpg)
TheJourneyofForgiveness
Thepersonwhobetrayedyouandleft,thepersonwhostolefromyouanddisappeared,thepersonwhostabbedyouinthebackandactedasifnothinghappened—forgivethem.
Notforthem,butforyourownsake—truly,completely,foryourself.Notbecausetheydeserveyourforgiveness;notbecausetheyareonlyhuman.
Forgivethem.
Soyoucanbefree.Soyoucanbehappy.Soyoucangoonlivingyourlife.
Itwon’tbeeasy,anditwillfeelunjust.Asuddengushofangermaypassthroughyou.Tearsofbitternessmayrolldownyourface.Allowthosefeelingstosurface,andletthembe.Treatthemkindly,withyourcompassionateheart.
Afterhonoringyourtears,askyourselfsoftly:“DoIwanttokeepcarryingthisresentmentinmyheart?DoIwanttoliveasavictimforever?”
Whenyoufeelready,musteryourcourageandmakeupyourmind.Althoughyourheartwon’tlistentoyourmind’sdecision,resolvetoforgiveandtofreeyourselffromemotionalbondage.
Andthenrevisityourfeelingsofangerandbitterness.Givethemyourfullpermissiontoexpressthemselves.Howdothosefeelingsmanifestinyourbody?Dotheybecometensemuscles,arapidheartbeat,flushedskin?Dotheyemergeasshallowbreathing,aspressureinyourchest?
Letthewavesofsensationssurfaceandrecede.Attendtothesensationsmovingthroughyourbody.
Whenthewavesbecomeabitcalmer,lookdeeplyandseewhatisbeneaththem.Arethereanyhiddenemotionsbeneaththeangerandbitterness?
![Page 69: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/69.jpg)
Doyouseefear,shame,orgrief?Istherelonelinessandinsecurity?Ratherthandrowninginthem,observethem.
Asyourheartbecomesmoretenderandopen,turnyourattentiontowardtheaggressor.Canyoulookbeneaththatperson’smaskandfeelwhatisunderneathsuchviolenceanddishonesty?
Canyousensehisfear,insecurity,andunworthiness?Canyoufeellonelinessorshameunderthesurface?Ratherthansurrenderingtohim,observehimcompassionately.
Insideofusthereisasteepmountainoffearandadeepriverofgrief.Butthereisalsothecompassionateeyewitnessingyourinnerlandscape.Mayyoufindyourinnerwitness,thesourceoffreedomandhealing.
Whenwehatesomeone,
wethinkabouthimalot.
Unabletolethimgo,
wegraduallybegintoactlikehim.
Don’tlethimbecomealong-termtenantoftheheart.
Evicthimrightawaywithanoticeofforgiveness.
Doesthepersonyouhate
deservetobecarriedaroundinyourheart?
Keepinyourheartonlythosewholoveyou.
Ifyoucarryaroundwithyoupeopleyouhate,
itcausesonlyangstanddepression.
Inyourrelationships,
assumeyouwillneedtogivemorethanyoureceive.
Weremembersowellwhatwehavedoneforothers
buteasilyforgetwhatothershavedoneforus.
Evenifyoufeelyouareowedalittle,
it’slikelyyouhavereceivedclosetowhatyouhavegiven.
SeeingthatIamamonk,
![Page 70: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/70.jpg)
somepeopleputtheirpalmstogetheringreeting,
andIinvoluntarilydothesame.
Somenod,
andIinvoluntarilydothesame.
Humansarelikemirrors:
Wereflecteachother.
Whenawisepersonwantssomethingfromothers,
shefirstdoeswhatshedesiresfromthem,
exemplifyingratherthanaskingforit.
Ifyouwantafriendtorememberyourbirthday,
rememberhersfirst.
Ifyouwantyourhusbandtogiveyouamassage,
givehimamassagefirst.
IfyouwantyourchildrentowatchlessTV,
turnoffyourTVfirst.
Don’tjustwaitforwhatyouwanttohappen.Actfirst.
Thewisemanduckshishead
whensomeoneswingsathim.
Ifheswingsbackjustbecausehewasswungat,
hewillbeseenastheaggressorandfailtowinpeople’shearts.
Althoughitmayseemunjust,
refrainingfromreactingoutofangershowstruecharacter.
Peopleturnsullenoveratrivialemotionalmatter,
andthenattackthepersonlater
withanunrelatedbutlogical-soundingpretext.
Whenyouloweryourself,theworldelevatesyou.
Whenyouelevateyourself,theworldlowersyou.
Whenyouarriveatthepeakofenlightenment,
![Page 71: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/71.jpg)
youwillunderstand:
Yourpeakisthesameheightasyourneighbor’s.
Atthepeak,youseeeveryone’sholiness.
Whenyoukeepclashingwithsomeone,
itmaybetheworld’swayofaskingyoutolookcloselyatyourself.
Whenyoudon’tlikesomeone,trytofigureoutwhatitisyoudon’tlike;
seewhetheryouhaveasimilarflawwithinyourself.
Theflawthatyouimmediatelynoticeinsomeoneyoumeet
isprobablyaflawofyours,too.
Ifyoudidn’thaveit,
youwouldn’thavenoticeditsoquickly.
Nooneisinherentlygoodorbad.
Onlythecircumstanceinwhichweencountereachotherisgoodorbad.
Acriminalwhohappenstostopacarfromrunningoverme
isanangelsentbyGod.
ANobelPeacePrizewinnerwhohappenstobumpintomeonthesubway
isajerk.
Inagatheringofsevenoreightpeople,
wewillsurelymeetoneortwowholikeusalot
andoneortwowhoarenotthatfondofus.
Don’ttakeitpersonally;thisisjustthewayoftheworld.
Letpeoplehavetheirownopinions—
theyareentitledtothem.
Itiswhenyouwanttochangetheiropinionproblemsarise.
Thisisnotonlyimpossibleandfutilebutalsounnecessary.
Howboringwouldtheworldbeifeveryonethoughtexactlythesameway?
Whenyougrantpeoplefreedom,youwillfindyours,too.
![Page 72: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/72.jpg)
Whatistheuseofsomeonecarryingadesignerhandbag
whenherbehaviorlacksthesamerefinement?
Themoreyoutrytochangeyourspouse,children,orfriends,
themoredifficultandstrainedyourrelationshipsbecome.
Peopledonotchangeeasily,
unlesstheysuffertremendoushardshiporhavealife-alteringexperience.
IwasoncetoldbyaBuddhistmasterthat
therearetwokindsofchildrenintheworld:
thoseborntorepaythekindnessoftheirparents,
andthosebornonlytotakewhattheirparentshave.
Askyourself:
Whichkindofasonordaughterareyoutoyourparents?
Whenyouthinkyourspousewon’tchange
andyouworryhowyouwilllivetherestofyourlifetogether,
askyourself:
AmIperfectinmyspouse’seyes?
Whenfacedwithaprobleminarelationship,
itwillneverbesolved
ifyoubeginbyasking,“Whycan’theunderstandme?”
or“Whywon’thejustdowhatIsay?”
Itisbecausethisapproachbeginswithademand.
Instead,beginbyasking,
“Whatisitthatmakeshimunhappyandfeelmisunderstood?”
or“Whatpastexperienceismakinghimrespondinthisway?”
Whenyoubeginwiththeintentionofunderstandinghim,
yourheartisreleasedfromtheprisonofyourviews
andopensuptofeelhispain.
![Page 73: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/73.jpg)
Peoplewhoeasilyignoreothersdoso
becausetheyareafraidofbeingignored.
Whycan’tyoutrustthatfriend?
Becauseyouknowalltoowell
thatyou,too,arecapableoflying
inasimilarcircumstance.
Whatmakesustrulyhappy
ismeetingsomeonewhoacceptsusforwhoweare.
Evenifwearesuccessful,
wecanstillfeelinadequateandinsecure
ifwearemadetobelievethatsomethingiswrongwithus.
Accordingtosomepsychologists,
happinesscanbeassessedwithtwosimplequestions.
First,doyoufindmeaninginyourwork?
Second,doyouhavegoodrelationshipswiththosearoundyou?
Areyoulonelybecauseyouarealone?
AccordingtotheTalmud,
everybladeofgrasshasanangelwhoprotectsit.
Theangelswhispertoeachblade,
“Grow!Grow!”
Ifevenabladeofgrasshasanangel,
wouldn’teachofusaswell?
Ifyoufeellonely,
thinkoftheangelonyourshoulder
andbegratefulthatyouarecaredfor.
Amosquitohasbeeninmyroomforthelasttwodays,
anditstillhasn’tbittenme.
![Page 74: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/74.jpg)
Okay,letuslivetogether.
Wemustsharesomekarmicaffinity.
Weliveamongcountlessrelations:
family,friends,colleagues,neighbors,etc.
Lifeisgoodwhentheserelationshipsaregood.
Beinghappybyyourselfdoesn’tlastlong.
Forspiritualpractitioners,
relationshipsarethefinaltest.
Evenifyouhaveawakenedtoyourenlightenednature,
thereisstillfurthertogoinyourspiritualjourney
ifyou’renotlivingharmoniouslywithothers.
![Page 75: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/75.jpg)
C H A P T E R F I V E
Love
![Page 76: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/76.jpg)
FirstLove
Betweenus,Mary,therestandsanunknowngod.
—KAHLILGIBRAN*
IWASINtenthgradewhenIfirstcameacrossKahlilGibran’sbooks.Idoveintohiswordswithoutknowingwhohewasorwherehewasfrom.Ihadnotyettastedthesweetnessofloveorthebitternessoflife,buthislovepoemsandspiritualproseenthralledme.Itwasprobablyhispoemsthatfirstputmeintouchwithsomethingineffablybeautifulandsacredwithinmyself.AsIreadTheProphetandJesustheSonofMan,Ifeltadeepsenseofreverencefor,andintimacywith,Jesus.Thiswasanewexperienceforme,asIhadpreviouslybeenexposedonlytodry,moralisticChristianteachingsofgoodandevil.
EvenmorefascinatingwerethelovelettersbetweenGibranandMaryHaskell,hisclosefriendandspiritualpartner.Thelettersupendedmyinexperiencedteenageheartlongingfortruelove.IendedthemanylongnightsofmyhighschoolyearsreadingGibran’spoetry.IstillrememberhowGibrandescribedhisloveinthisfollowingsimple,yetelegant,sentence:
Demonstrationsoflovearesmall,comparedwiththegreatthingthatishiddenbehindthem.*
Gibran’stenderspiritandhislanguagemovedmedeeply.EventhoughIhadneverfalleninlove,hiswordsdugintomyheartasifIwereexperiencingitmyself.
Whenlovebeckonstoyou,followhim,
Thoughhiswaysarehardandsteep.
Andwhenhiswingsenfoldyou,yieldtohim,
Thoughtheswordhiddenamonghispinionsmaywoundyou.*
Ipromisedmyselfthatwhenlovefoundme,I,too,wouldpourallofmyselfintoit,withoutcalculationorfear,evenifdeeppainlurkedbehindit.But,aseveryoneknows,lovedoesnotarrivejustbecauseyouwantitto,orthinkyouarereadyforit.Infact,elusivenessseemstobethenatureoflove:Theharderyoutrytograspit,thefurtherawayitremains.
![Page 77: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/77.jpg)
AfewyearslaterIwokeuponemorningandrealizedthatmylong-awaitedlovehadfinallyfoundme.Itwaslikeanunexpectedguestwalkingstraightintomyheart,regardlessofmywillorreadiness.Itisembarrassingforamonktotalkabouthisfirstlove,butshewasanAmericanmissionarywhomImetbychanceonthestreetsofSeoul.Iwasinterestedinreligionandspirituality,sowehadalottotalkabout.ShetaughtEnglishtomeandmyfriends,andwehelpedherlearnKorean.AlthoughshewasseveralyearsolderthanIwas,wesharedseveralinterestsbeyondreligionandlanguages.WebothlikedGeorgeWinston’smusic,LucBesson’sfilms,andmusicalslikeLesMisérables.Imadehermixtapes,andshebakedmecookiesandpies.EventhoughIrarelyhadachancetobewithherone-on-one,Ilookedforwardtoseeingher,evenifitwasinaclasssetting.SoonIrealizedthiswasnotjustayouthfulcrush;itwaslove.
Butcouldthislovecometofruition?Itwasfatedtobeone-sided.InhereyesIwasjustahighschoolstudent.ShewasduetoreturntotheU.S.aftersixmonths,backtoherlongtimeboyfriend.Itwasclearlynotgoingtoworkout,butIcouldnotdoanythingabouthowIfelt.Whenlovefindsyou,itconsumesyou;everythingelsebecomesunimportant.Mythoughtswerecirclingheralldaylong,andmyheartwaswideopenandvulnerable.Everythinglookedmorevividandmeaningful.IfeltsohappywhenIthoughtabouther,asifIwereflyingtothehighestpeakintheworldwithher.Butasthedateforhertoreturnhomeapproached,Ialsofeltunbearablesorrow.Iwassoveryhappy,andatthesametimeinacutepain.
TwoweeksbeforeherdeparturefortheU.S.,Ifeltmyselfishnessgraduallydissipate.Nothingwasimportantotherthanher.ItwaslikeIwasdisappearingfromtheworld,leavingonlyherinit—asthougheverythingintheworldsprangfromher.ThatwaswhenIfinallyunderstoodwhatGibranmeantwhenhesaidtherewasanunknowngodbetweenhimandMary.Loveseemedsosacredandmysterious,liketheworkofagodfarmorepowerfulandsignificantthaneitherofus.AllofGibran’swordstookonnewmeaning.Thewholeworldappearedquitedifferenttome.
ThreeyearsaftersheleftKorea,shewrotetometoannounceherwedding:Shewouldfinallybemarryingherboyfriend.AtthatpointIwasincollege,inCalifornia;IwantedtoflytotheSouthtocongratulateher.ButIhadneitherthemoneynorthetime.Whatreallystoppedmefromattendingherwedding,though,wasthefearthatseeinghergetmarriedwouldbetoopainful.Icouldonlysendaletterwishingherthebest,alongwithasmallpresent.TwoyearslaterIgraduatedfromcollegeanddecidedtodrivecross-countrywithafriend.Whenwepassedthroughhertown,Icalledandaskedifshewouldliketohavecoffeewithme.Shewasthrilledtoseeme,andwereminisced
![Page 78: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/78.jpg)
aboutourtimetogetherinKorea.Herhusbandcamewithherandtreatedmewarmly.Hewasakindheartedperson,justlikeher.
AFTERCOLLEGEIlivedinCambridge,Massachusetts,whereIwasstudyingformymaster’sdegree.IfrequentlyvisitedBoston’sSouthEnd,whereGibran’sfamilylivedafteremigratingfromLebanonattheendofthenineteenthcentury—whentheSouthEndwasoneofthelargestslumsinBoston,populatedlargelybySyrianandLebaneseimmigrants.Today,though,it’sabeautifulneighborhood,withNewEnglandred-brickbuildings.Gibrangrewupthere,livingwithhismotherandsiblingsandlearningEnglishatschool.Heenrolledinartschoolandblossomedintoatalentedartist.In1904hehadhisfirstexhibition,andMaryHaskell,whowastenyearsolder,wastakenwithhisartistry;shebecamehispatronfortherestofhislife.Gibransentherlettersfilledwithinsightsaboutloveandlife,andthoseletters,havingnestleddeepinmyteenageheart,remainwithmeeventoday.
Andwhenhespeakstoyou,believeinhim,
Thoughhisvoicemayshatteryourdreamsasthenorthwindlayswastethegarden.
Forevenaslovecrownsyou,soshallhecrucifyyou.*
HaskelleventuallyleftBostonandmovedtotheSouth.ThreeyearslatershewrotetoGibrantoinformhimthatshewastobemarried—justasmyfirstloveannouncedtomethreeyearsafterhermovetotheSouth.HavingthisincommonwithGibranmademefeelclosertohim,andhiswritingsfeltevenmorespecialtome.Today,whenIthinkaboutmyfirstlove,Inolongerfeelsorrow.Atthetime,though,myheartached.Thosefeelingsarelonggone,replacedwithadeepgratitude.Iamsogratefultomyfirstlove,toGibran,
![Page 79: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/79.jpg)
andtotheuniverseforintroducingmetothewonderofloveanddevotionandtothefeelingofbeingtrulyalive,andforgivingmetheexperienceofavanishingego,auniverseofinfinitemeanings,andaglimpseofGod.
![Page 80: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/80.jpg)
![Page 81: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/81.jpg)
Ifyoulookforlove,inpursuitofwhatitcangiveyou,
itwillhideitself.
Ifyouasklovetoarrivebecauseyouarenowready,
itwillskipyourdoor.
Loveislikeanuninvitedguest.
Lovewillcomewhenitwantsto.
Lovewillleavewhenyouaskmoreofit.
Ifyouattempttofindalovethatmeetscertaincriteria,
yournewlovemayalsomakecertaindemandsofyou.
Dropyourdemandsquicklywhenloveknocksonyourdoor.
Loveiswarmandfreeing.
Itisinnocent,likeachild
withoutahiddenagenda.
Wecandeterminehowclosewearetosomeonebyasking,
“CanIactlikealittlekidinfrontofthatperson?”
Whenwelovesomeone,wefeellikealittlekidinourheart.
WhenIbeganlookingformyfirstteachingjob,
Ithoughtitwassimilartogoingoutonadate.
Imightlikeit,butitmightnotlikeme.
Oritmightlikeme,butImightnotlikeit.
Tocooksomethingdelicious,
youneedtimefortheingredientstomarinate.
Tobuildalastingrelationship,
youneedtimefortrusttodevelop.
Whenyouaredating,temperyourenthusiasm.
Youmayask,“Whatiswrongwithexpressingmyhonestfeelings?
![Page 82: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/82.jpg)
Whycan’tIgiveheragiftandtellherIloveher?”
Yourwordsandgiftswillmeanmoretoherwhensheisready.
Loveher,notyourfeelings.
Loveneedstobebalanced.
Ifyoulikehimmorethanhelikesyou,
givehimtimeandspacetocatchup.
Itisimportanttoholdbackyouremotions
whenyourfeelingsarenotinbalancewithhis.
“HaeminSunim,Ifoundmyselfgettingsoupsetwithhim.
AtfirstIthoughtitwasbecauseIdidnotlikehim.
ButthenIrealizeditwasbecausehewasnotinterestedinme.”
Angerfornoreasoncouldbetheexpressionofacrush.
Inelementaryschool
Imetatallgirlwhomadefunofme.
LaterIlearnedshewasdoingittogetmyattention.
Thatwasmyfirstinsightintothecomplexitiesofhumanpsychology.
Oneoftheworstfeelingsistobelieve
thatyoudon’tmatter.
Lookaroundyou.
Haveyouintentionallyorunintentionally
ignoredanyone?
Onlywhenwearehurt
dowethinkofsomeone
whomwehavehurt
andfeeltrueremorse.
Theendofarelationshiprevealswhatwearemadeof.
![Page 83: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/83.jpg)
Moveaway,justonestep,fromyourstubbornnessandanger.
Thatonestepismoresignificantthantenstepswhenthingsarefine.
Itwilldiminishyourpainandrescueyoufrominsanity.
Theheartisslowerthanthemind.
Themindknowsyoumustpartways,butyourheartdoesnot.
Thisisbecauseyourfeelingsaresettleddeeperinyourheart.
Whenoneday,aftermanydaysofdisappointment,
yourpartnerdealsthefinalblow,
thelightfinallydimsinyourheart.
Fallengingkonutsarelikeafailedrelationship.
Oncesolovelyhangingfromthetree,
theyemitastinkastheyarecrushedunderfoot.
Beasgentleinendingarelationship
asyouwereinstartingit.
Proofofhavingreallyloved:
Youdonotspeakillofyourex
evenafteryourrelationshiphasended.
Sometimes,afterarelationshipisover,
youcatchyourselfthinking,
“Ihopesheishappy,”withoutbitterness.
Thisisasignyouhavemovedon.
Paincausedbyonepersoncanbehealedbyanother.
Butbeforeyougoouttomeetsomeonenew,
makesuretogiveyourselftimetobewholeagain.
Otherwiseyoumayendupusingthenewpersonyoumeet.
Anexceptionalrelationshipisnot
![Page 84: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/84.jpg)
onewithagoodbeginning
butonewithagoodending.
Relationshipsoftenbeginaccidentally,
butwhenitcomestoendingthem,
weusuallyhavechoices.
Choosetheendingwisely.
![Page 85: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/85.jpg)
ILoveYourOrdinariness
AftermyDharmatalk,youapproachedmeshyly,withawarmbottleofsoymilkinyourhands,andsaidtenderly,“Sunim,IamsorryIcanonlyaffordtoofferyouthis.”Afterhandingmethebottleandanote,youdisappearedintothecrowd.
WhenIreadyournote,Iwasdeeplytouched:“Thankyoufromthebottomofmyheartforlisteningtomeandofferingyouradvicetosuchanunremarkable,ordinarypersonlikeme.”
Withthewarmthofthebottlestilllingeringinmyhands,IregrettedthatImissedtheopportunitytospeakwithyoufurther.Sincewemaynotmeetagain,Idecidedtowritetoyouhere,hopingthismessagemightsomehowreachyou.
IwantyoutoknowthatIloveyourordinariness,becauseI,too,amordinary.Thetruthis,weareallordinary.
Nomatterhowfamousorbeautifuloneis,nomatterhowmuchmoneyorpoweronehas,nomatterhowmanywonderfulaccomplishmentsonehashad,weallhaveourshareofsetbacks,heartbreak,andloss.Wehavetofacechallengeswehavenocontrolover.Lonelinessandthefearofdeathwillaccompanyustoourfinaldays.Everyoneisonthesametreacherousjourneyoflife’staintedglory.
SoIloveyou,youwhoshylystoodbeforeme,murmuringsoftlythatyouareordinary,offeringthewarmbottleofyourheart.
![Page 86: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/86.jpg)
Withoutlove,
ourliveswouldpassusby
intheblinkofaneye.
Lovehasthepowertostoptheworldforamoment.
Lovemakestheworldlookbeautiful.
Whenthereislove,thereisbeauty.
Whenloveisdryingupinyourlife,
lookforthebeautyaroundyou.
Thatiswherelovecanbefound.
Youarebeautiful
![Page 87: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/87.jpg)
notbecauseyouarebetterthanothers
butbecausethereisonlyyouwhocansmilelikethat.
Mayyoufallinlovewithyouruniqueself.
Onesummernight,Ilookupandfocusononestaroutofmany.
Thatstaralsochoosestolookatme,outofallthepeopleonearth.
Ameetingbetweentwopeopleislikethis,ararecosmicevent.
Itisoneinamillion,abillion,atrillion.
Loveis
trustingsomeone,
beingthereforsomeone,
beingreadytolistenwithatenderheart
fornootherreasonthanlove.
Attimeswearenotsure
whetherwhatwefeelislove.
Atthatmoment,askyourselfthis:
“AmIhappytogivemoreevenafterhavinggivenalot?”
Iftheanswerisyes,andthereisnoregretafterward,
thenthatisprobablylove.
Lovemeanslovingsomeonethewaysheis.
Wantinghertobeacertainwayisnotlovebutyourdesire.
Donotattempttoimprovesomeoneinthenameoflove.
Itisimprovementonlyinyoureyes,notinhers.
Ifsomethingismeanttoblossomintoarelationship,
itusuallyworksoutwithoutmuchdifficulty.
Ifyouaretheonlyoneputtingineffort,thenlethimgo.
Thismayrelievethepressure,andmotivatehimtomakeeffort.
Ifnot,thenitwillopenupanewpathforyou.
![Page 88: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/88.jpg)
Lovecomesnaturallyandeffortlessly.
Ifyoutrytolovesomeone,thenitisnotrealuntilyoustoptrying.
Acastingdirectorauditionsmanyactors
butrecognizestherightoneassoonashewalksin.
Itcanbethesamewithanewhouse,adiamondring,afuturespouse.
Ifyouarehesitant,thenyoumightnothavefoundtherightoneyet.
Loveher
without“Whatif,”
withoutcalculation,
withoutsecond-guessing,
withoutcomparinghertoothers.
Loveherwiththesteadfastconvictionofyoursoul.
Ifoneofyouisunshakable,thentherelationshipcanlast.
Pleasedon’tcallitlove.
Whatyouareexperiencingisinfatuation
withnocommitmentorresponsibility.
Infatuationisnotlove
becauseitbeginsandendswithyou.
Itismoreaboutyourfeelings,andlessabouttheotherperson.
Whenweareinlove,weliketodonicethingsfortheonewelove.
Butitisequallyimportanttorefrainfromdoingunnecessarythings.
Weoftenoverlookthatpart.
![Page 89: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/89.jpg)
Weliketogetinvolvedinotherpeople’sbusiness,
thinkingwearedoingsoforthem.
Weofferunsolicitedhelpandinterferewiththeirlives.
Wetakeawaytheirpowerandmakethemfeelincapable.
Thisstemsfromourdesireforcontrolandrecognition.
Ithaslittletodowithlove.
Weshouldlovepeoplelikethesunlovestheearth.
Thesunlovestheearthwithoutchoosingto.
Itnourishestreesandflowers,expectingnothinginreturn.
Itdoesnotwithholditsraysbutbrightenseverythingwithitspresence.
LikeKahlilGibransaid,
loveeachotherlike
twopillarssupportingthesameroof.
Whilelookingoutonthehorizontogether,
allowspacebetweenyouandyourlovedone.
Withoutit,youwillsuffocateandexhaustyourlove.
Rememberthis:
Whenyoustruggletoholdontoher,sheleaves.
Whenyoudecidetolethergo,shestays.
Wedothingsfortheonewelove,
![Page 90: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/90.jpg)
butsometimesjustbeingthereexpressesevendeeperlove.
Givethegiftofyourfullpresence.
![Page 91: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/91.jpg)
C H A P T E R S I XLife
![Page 92: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/92.jpg)
![Page 93: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/93.jpg)
DoYouKnowKungFu?
WHENIWALKaroundNewYorkCityinmygraymonasticrobes,IoftenencounterlittleboyswhoimitateBruceLeeuponseeingme.AtfirstIdidn’tunderstandwhattheyweredoing,butsoonenoughIdid—theyassumedanyonewithashavedhead,wearingrobes,wouldknowmartialarts.Ithoughtthiswascuteandamusing.AmoreforwardboyevenaskedmeifIknewkungfulikethoseChinesemonksatShaolinTemple.Theplayfulsideofmewantedtomakeafewfakekungfuposes,slowlyraisingmyarmsandmyrightleg.
WhenadultsfindoutthatIamaBuddhistmonastic,theyaskwithcuriosity,“Whatkindofmeditationdoyoupractice?”or“Howmanyhoursdoyousiteverymorning?Yourmindmustbeverypeaceful.”ThentheytalkabouttheirexperiencesatalocalZencenteroryogastudio,ortellmeaboutabookonmindfulnesstheyhavecomeacross.FormanyadultsintheWest,itseemsthataBuddhistteacherissomeonewhoissereneandcollectedthankstodailymeditation.Althoughtheassumptionsofthechildandtheadultaredifferent,Ifindthatthereisanunderlyingsimilarity.Bothchildandadultarecuriousaboutwhatitisthatamonkdoes.Inotherwords,whenitcomestoimaginingamonk’sidentity,peopleintheWesttendtozeroinonhisbehavior.
WhenIaminKorea,adifferentsetofquestionsawaitsme.Onthesubway,forinstance,thepersonsittingnexttomemightask,“Whereisyourhomemonastery?”or“Whichtempledoyoucurrentlyresidein?”ForKoreansitappearsthatthemostdefiningpartofapersoniswherehelives.EvenintheU.S.,whenKoreansfirstmeet,afterexchangingnamesthefirstquestiontheyaskis,“WhereinKoreaareyoufrom?”ItseemsthatformanyKoreans,one’sidentityistiedcloselytohishometownratherthantowhatheisdoing.
EverytimeIreturntoKorea,IwonderwhyKoreansaresoobsessedwiththeiralmamater,evenwhentheyareoverfiftyyearsold.Ofcourse,whenitcomestofindingajob,havinggraduatedfromaprestigiousuniversityisadvantageousinmostpartsoftheworld.Butthedegreealoneisoftennotenough.Evenifonehaslandedagoodjob,one’sskillsandexperiencearemoreimportantthanwhereonehasstudied.AgoodexampleisSteveJobs,
![Page 94: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/94.jpg)
thecofounderofApple.JobswenttoReedCollegebutdroppedoutafteronesemester.AnyonefamiliarwithAmericanhighereducationwouldknowthatReedisanexcellentliberalartscollegeinPortland,Oregon.ButtoanaverageKorean,whohasheardonlyoftheIvyLeagueandafewlargeuniversitiesinCalifornia,Reedwouldbeconsideredsubpar.IfSteveJobshadbeenKorean,hiseducationalbackgroundwouldhavebeenahugeimpedimenttoasuccessfulcareer.Nobodywouldhavetakenhisideasseriouslyorinvestedinhiscompany;hewouldhavebeenseenasnotsmartenoughtohavegonetoanIvy.
Thisconcernsme.Ifweconsidersomeone’sidentityasrootedprimarilyinhishometownortheschoolhegraduatedfrom,weenduplookingonlyathispastandnotpayingattentiontohiscurrentskillsorfuturevision.Onlythosebornintogoodfamilieswiththerighteducationalbackgroundandconnectionsaregivenachancetosucceed,whilethosefromless-than-idealbackgroundswhoarebrimmingwithpotentialaredeniedopportunities.
WheneveryoungboysapproachmetoaskifIknowkungfu,itbecomesanoccasionformetoreflectonmylife.AmIbehavinglikeaspiritualteacher?OrhaveIbecomecomplacentinmyidentityandignoredtheworkIamcalledtodo?Moreover,whenImeetsomeonenew,doImakeanefforttoseewhoheisbeneathhissocialmarkers?OramIreducingpeopletotheirbackgroundandfailingtoseewhotheyreallyare?Iamremindedagainthatanyone,includingthoseyoungboys,canbeourspiritualteacherifwearewillingtoopenourheartstothem.
Lifeislikeasliceofpizza.
Itlooksdeliciousinanadvertisement,
butwhenweactuallyhaveit,itisnotasgoodasweimagined.
Ifyouenvysomeone’slife,
rememberthepizzainthead.
Italwayslooksbetterthanitis.
Haveyoueverselectedacheaperdishfromamenuthantheoneyoureallywanted,
onlytoregretyourchoicewhenitarrived?
Alwaysgowithyourfirstchoiceifyoucanaffordit.
Itisbetterthanalifefilledwithregrets.
Therearemanymoreordinaryhoursinlifethanextraordinaryones.
![Page 95: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/95.jpg)
Wewaitinlineatthesupermarket.
Wespendhourscommutingtowork.
Wewaterourplantsandfeedourpets.
Happinessmeansfindingamomentofjoyinthoseordinaryhours.
Whenyouconcentrate,evenaphonebookcanbeinteresting.
Ifyouarebored,maybeyouarenotconcentrating.
Whereveryougo,cultivateasenseofownership.
Ifyouseelitterinachurch,library,orpark,pickitup.
Asyoutakeownership,yourlifewillhavemorepurpose,
andpeoplewillnoticeyourgoodexample.
ItmakessensethatScandinaviashouldbefamousforfurnituredesign,
sincepeopleinacoldclimatespendmoretimeinsidetheirhomes.
Similarly,Italyisrenownedfordesignerapparel;
itmakessensethatpeopleinawarmclimate
shouldpaymoreattentiontohowtheyappearoutdoors.
Whereyouliveshapesyou.
Doyouliveinaplaceconducivetothepursuitofyourdreams?
Wedon’tthinktwiceaboutspendingnineortendollarsonaglassofwine.
Andyetwehesitatewhenitcomestobuyingabook,
whichisthepriceofonlyoneortwoglassesofwine.
Apparentlymostpeopleareunabletotellthedifference
betweena$15bottleofwineanda$50bottle.
Theextra$35isthepriceofourvanity.
Whenpurchasingsomethingyouwillhaveforalongtime,likeahouseorapiano,
choosethebestwithinyourmeans,notsomethingthatwilldofornow.
Youmightthinkitisgoodenough,butafterawhileyouwillregretit.
![Page 96: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/96.jpg)
Agoodcustomerdoesnotsay,“Pleasedowhateveryouthinkisbest.”
Sheknowsexactlywhatshewantsandcommunicatesitclearly.
Ifacustomerdoesnotcommunicatewhatshewants,shemaystillhavepreferences,
whichmightbeexpressedasacomplaintoncetheworkiscompleted.
Whenthereisaproblem,
takeitupwiththepersonwhoisresponsible.
Ifyouaddressitinaroundaboutway,throughotherpeople,
outoffearofupsettingthepersonandyourrelationship,
thentheproblembecomesmorecomplicated.
Gostraighttothesourceanddealwiththepersondirectly,
evenifthismakesyouuncomfortable.
Themoreyouknow,
themoreyouthinkyoudon’t.
Themoreyoudon’tknow,
themoreyouthinkyoudo.
Anysocialphenomenonisdifficulttogeneralize.
Itscausesareembeddedinacomplexwebofhistory,culture,politics,andeconomics.
Ifsomeoneexplainsasocialphenomenoninsimpleterms,
heiseitheranexpertorafool.
Thebiggestobstacletolearning
ispretendingtoknowevenwhenyoudon’t.
Itisbettertoadmityoudon’tknowsomething;
ifyoupretend,youhavetoactasifyouknewallalong.
Itiseasiertolearnwhenyousetasideyourprideandarehonest.
Thecompassionategazeofthewoundedsoulis
![Page 97: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/97.jpg)
morebeautifulthanthenaivesmileoftheinexperiencedyouth.
Thedeterminationtoconvincesomeonemightstemfrombeing
notcompletelyconvincedyourself.
IdonotgoaroundtryingtoconvincepeoplethatIamaman.
Wearconfidence.
Itistheheightoffashion.
Whenweholdtoofirmlytoourbeliefs,
weriskbeingblindtoreality
andseeingonlywhatconformstoourbeliefs.
Thepersonwhosays,
“Thatpersonissopolitical,”
isusuallyjustaspolitical,ifnotmore.
Admirationdoesnotcomeeasily.
Ratherthansettingagoalofbecomingrichandpowerful,
aimhigher:becomingadmiredinyourfield.
Oneofthegreatestblessingsinlifeismeetingsomeonewetrulyadmire.
Thatpersonbecomesabeaconofhope,shieldingusfromcynicism.
Sometimeslifethrowsusacurveball
fornoreasonthatwecanfathom.
Butdonotdespair.
Wearenotalone.Wecanpersevere.
This,too,shallpass,liketheheatofsummer.
Asyouenteryourforties,youstarttothink:
“Isthiswhatlifeisallabout?Isthisallthereis?”
Thatsadandhollowfeeling—I,too,knowit.
![Page 98: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/98.jpg)
Love,
notrighteouswords,
canchangepeople’slives.
![Page 99: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/99.jpg)
ThreeLiberatingInsights
OnespringdayasIturnedthirty,Ilookedintomymindandrealizedthreethings.ThemomentIrealizedthem,IknewwhatIhadtodotobehappy.
First,peoplearenotasinterestedinmeasIhadalwaysbelieved.IcannotrememberwhatmyfriendwaswearingwhenIsawheraweekago.Orhowhermakeupwasorwhatherhairwaslike.IfIcannotremember,thenwhywouldsheremembersimilarthingsaboutme?Althoughwedothinkaboutothersfromtimetotime,itisrarelyformorethanafewminutes.Whenwearedonethinkingaboutotherpeople,ourmindsreverttowhatimmediatelyconcernsus.Whyshouldwespendsomanyhoursofourlivesworryingabouthowweappeartoothers?
Second,noteveryonehastolikeme.Afterall,Idonotlikeeveryone.Certainlyforallofus,therearepoliticians,coworkers,clients,andfamilymemberswesimplycannotstand.Sothenwhyshouldeveryonelikeme?Thereisnoneedtotormentyourselfbecausesomeonedislikesyou.Acceptitasafactoflife;youcannotcontrolhowothersfeelaboutyou.Ifsomeonedoesnotlikeyou,letherhaveheropinion.Justmoveon.
Third,ifwearebrutallyhonestwithourselves,mostthingswedoforothersareinfactforourselves.Weprayforthewell-beingofourfamilybecauseweneedthemtobearound.Weshedtearswhenourpartnerdiesbecauseoftheimpendingloneliness.Wesacrificeforourchildreninthehopethattheywillgrowupthewaywewant.UnlesswebecomeenlightenedliketheBuddhaorJesus,itisdifficulttoabandonourdeep-rootedpreoccupationwithourselves.
Stopworryingaboutwhatothersthinkandjustdowhatyourheartwishes.Donotcrowdyourmindwith“whatifs.”Uncomplicateyourlifeandownuptoyourdesires.Onlywhenyouarehappycanyouhelptomaketheworldahappierplace.
![Page 100: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/100.jpg)
Donotletpeople’sopinionsofyoudeterminewhoyouare.
Insteadofworryingaboutwhatothersthink,
devoteyourselftoyourdreams.
Whensomeonedoesnotlikeus,
itisnotourproblembuttheirs.
Noteveryonewilllikeus.
Thisisaproblemonlyifweletitbotherus.
Bycomplainingthatsomethingwehavetodoistoohard,
weaddanotherlayerofdifficulty.
Takeadeepbreath,andthenjustdoit.
Writedownonasheetofpaper
thenamesoftheplacesyouwanttotraveltobeforeyoudie,
![Page 101: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/101.jpg)
thepeopleyouhopetomeet,
theconcertsyouknowyouwillenjoy,
thesportsgamesyouaredyingtosee,
therestaurantsyouhavetotry.
Thenexperienceeverythingonthelist,itembyitem.
Nobodyneedstoknowaboutthelist.
Allowyourselfalittlesecretofyourown.
Itwillfeelgoodtodosomethingjustforyourself.
Lifeislikejazz.
Muchofitisimprovised;wecannotcontrolallthevariables.
Wemustliveitwithpanacheandflair,
regardlessofwhatitthrowsatus.
Wecanloveourfamilyandprayfortheirhappiness.
Wecangiveadviceandhelpwhenneeded.
Butwecanneithermakedecisionsforthem
normakethemactthewaywewantthemto.
Therearemanythingswecannotcontrolinlife.
Thatincludesthoseclosesttous.
Ifyoulearntoplayonesportwell,itbecomeseasiertolearntoplayanother.
Ifyoubecomefluentinoneforeignlanguage,youcanmoreeasilylearnanother.
Ifyoufigureouthowtorunasmallbusiness,it’llbeeasiertorunasecondorthirdone.
Donotbeenviousofthosewhoaregoodatmanythings.
Firstlearntobegoodatone.Youwillsoonbeabletodotwoorthree.
Amajestictreeisthefirsttobecutdownandusedforlumber,
whereasamodestoneliveson.
Likewise,arealmasterconcealshisvirtueandneverboastsofhisexcellence.
![Page 102: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/102.jpg)
Dreambigbutstartsmall.
Asmalladjustmentcanhaveabigeffectonyourlife.
Forexample,ifyouwanttobehealthier,
thenstartbygoingtobedahalfhourearlier.
Ifyouwanttoloseweight,
thenstartbydrinkingwaterinsteadofsoda.
Ifyouhaveanimportantprojecttocomplete,
thenstartbygettingyourdeskorganized.
“Keepyourthoughtspositive,becauseyourthoughtsbecomeyourwords.
Keepyourwordspositive,becauseyourwordsbecomeyourbehavior.
Keepyourbehaviorpositive,becauseyourbehaviorbecomesyourhabits.
Keepyourhabitspositive,becauseyourhabitsbecomeyourvalues.
Keepyourvaluespositive,becauseyourvaluesbecomeyourdestiny.”
—MAHATMAGANDHI*
Yourmindcannotholdtwothoughtsatonce.
Thismeansthatasinglethoughtcanoccupyyourentiremind.
Whethergoodorbad,everythingstemsfromasinglethought.
Ifwearecarefulwiththatfirstthought,eventragediescanbeprevented.
Weprefertherightwordstothewrongwords.
Wepreferhonestwordstotherightwords.
Wepreferrealactstohonestwords.
Howyouspeakisoftenmoreimportantthanwhatyousay.
Andactionsspeaklouderthanwords.
Knowledgewantstotalk.
Wisdomwantstolisten.
![Page 103: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/103.jpg)
Afoolishpersonthinks,“Ialreadyknowthat.”
Hekeepsanythingnewfromcomingintohismind.
Awisepersonthinks,“Idon’tknowthewholestory.”
Sheopensherselfuptoevengreaterwisdom.
Anordinarypersonmainlynoticesparticularthingshelikesordislikes.
Awisepersonnoticesboththewholeandtheparticulars.
Whenyoushareyourproblemswithyourfriends,
youdonotexpectthemtohavethesolutions.
Youarejustgratefultheyarethereforyouandwillingtolisten.
Ifsomeoneshareshisproblemswithyou,
don’tfeeltheneedtohavethesolutions.
Justlistensincerely.Thisisoftenmorehelpful.
WhenIlookdeeplywithinmyself,
IrealizewhatitisthatIreallywantfromothers:
attentiveearsthatlistentowhatIamsaying,
kindwordsthatacknowledgemyexistenceandworth,
gentleeyesthatacceptmyflawsandinsecurities.
Iresolvetobethatpersonforthosearoundme.
Abaddriverbrakesoften.
![Page 104: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/104.jpg)
Abadconversationalistalsobrakesoften—
interruptingtheflowwithhisownstories.
Youcanfoolsomeoneforamoment,
butitishardtofoolsomeoneforlong.
Timewilltellifsomeonehasspokenfromtheheart
ormadethingsuptogetwhathewanted.
Evenifhegotwhathewantedwithamomentarylie,
thefactthatheliedwillstaywithhimuntilthedayhedies.
Whenthereisnoenvyorexpectation,
eventhewealthiestandmostpowerfulpersonisjustanotherhumanbeing.
Onlywhenweareenviousofwhathehas,orexpectsomethingfromhim,
dowebecomediscontentedandloseourcomposure.
Swindlerslovetosweet-talkaboutfuturegains,
insistingthatthingswillworkoutifwelistentothem.
Whenourgreedisawakened,wearecheated.
Aclevernegotiatorleadstheotherpartytothinkthey’vewon
whilegettingeverythinghewants.
Iftheotherpartyfeelsflatteredandsuperior
andletstheclevernegotiatorhavehisway,
thenitisreallythenegotiatorwhohaswon.
Acruelirony:
Therewardforsomeonewhoworkshardismorework.
Ifwe’requicktograntafavor,thenpeoplequicklyforgettheirgratitude.
Ifwegrantafavorwithseveralconditions,thenpeopleexpressimmensegratitude.
![Page 105: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/105.jpg)
C H A P T E R S E V E N
TheFuture
![Page 106: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/106.jpg)
![Page 107: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/107.jpg)
OneWordofEncouragementCanChangetheFuture
UNLIKEINCHRISTIANITY,therearemanythousandsofscripturesintheBuddhisttradition.Somearehighlyphilosophical;othersaremainlystoriesthatcontainimportantlifelessons.MyfavoriteistheLotusSutra,whichhasbothphilosophicalteachingsanddidacticnarratives.Likewithanysacredtext,themoreIstudyit,themoreIamawedbyitsdepth.
AsIwasreadingtheLotusSutraagainrecently,onechapterinparticular,“ProphesyofEnlightenmentforFiveHundredDisciples,”caughtmyattention.ItdescribestheBuddhagivingaprophesyofcompleteenlightenmenttohisfivehundreddisciples,tellingthemthattheywillallbecomeBuddhasafteracertainperiodoftime.AprophesyofenlightenmentistheBuddha’sguaranteeaswellashispredictionofwhenandatwhatpointhisdiscipleswillreachthefinalstageofbuddhahood.HearingtheBuddha’sencouragingwordsabouttheirfuture,thefivehundreddisciplesareelatedandmakeavowtoengagecontinuouslyinspiritualpractice.WheneverIcomeacrossthisstoryoftheBuddha’sprophesy,itremindsmeofmyelementaryschoolteacherMs.Lee,whopredictedgreatthingsaboutmyfuture.
Byallmeasures,Iwasjustanaveragekid.Iwasofaverageheightandcamefromamiddle-classfamily.Iwasnotthebrighteststudent,butneitherwasIatroublemaker.IrememberMs.Leeasastrictwomaninhermid-thirties.Shehadonesonwhoattendedthesameschool;Iknewhimquitewellbecausewehadbeeninthesameclassthepreviousyear.Oneday,asIwaswalkingacrosstheyardafterschool,Ms.Lee’ssoncameuptomeandinvitedmeovertoplayathishouse—hesaidhisparentshadboughthimsomenewtoys.IwasverymuchtemptedbutwasafraidImightrunintoMs.Lee.Understandingmyhesitation,myfriendassuredmethathismomrarelycamehomebeforefouro’clock.IagreedtoplaywithhimonlyifIcouldleavebeforefouro’clock.
Wehadalotoffunplayingwithhisnewtoys.Ibecameabsorbedinplayingandcompletelyforgotaboutthetimewhenthefrontdoorswungopenandmyteacherwalkedin.Itensedup,worriedthatIwouldbechastisedfor
![Page 108: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/108.jpg)
playinginsteadofdoingmyhomework.Tomysurprise,Ms.Leegreetedmewithabigsmile.ShespoketomewarmlyandgavemeahugasthoughIwereherson.Inherembrace,Irealizedshewasactuallyakindandlovingperson,butshehadnochoicebuttoappearstrictatschoolbecauseshehadtomaintaincontrolovertheclass.Shegavemeasnackthatshegavemyfriendonlyonspecialoccasions.AsIateit,shestrokedmyheadgentlyandsaid,“You’regoingtobeagoodstudentandarolemodelforyourfriends.Itrustthatyouwillbecomeagreatpersonwhobringswisdomandhappinesstoalotofpeople.”
Myyoungheartwasmovedbeyondwords.Afterthatday,Istudiedveryhardandtriedtobearolemodelfortheotherstudents.SinceMs.Leehadputhertrustinme,Iwasdeterminednottodisappointher.IthinkIhavebecomewhoIamtodaythankstowhatshesaidtomethatafternoon.Withoutherkindwords,Iwouldnothavehadtheconfidencetoexcelacademicallyortobecomeaprofessororspiritualteacher.
AccordingtotheLotusSutra,theBuddhamakestheprophesyabouthisdisciplesbecausehehasasupernaturalabilitytoforeseewhentheywouldachievethefinalstageofbuddhahood.ButIdonotthinktheyautomaticallyattainedenlightenmentbecausetheyreceivedtheBuddha’sprophesy;IthinkithadalottodowiththeBuddha’sfaithinthem,whichmotivatedthemtoworkhardertoaccomplishwhattheirteacherpredicted.LikeMs.Lee’swordstome,theBuddha’strustingwordsandhislovinggazetransformedthelivesofhisfivehundreddisciples.Onewordofencouragement,saidwithkindnessandhope,canchangeaperson’sfuture,thewayitdidforthefivehundreddisciplesandforme.
![Page 109: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/109.jpg)
![Page 110: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/110.jpg)
Somesaytheydon’treallyknowwhattheyarelookingforinlife.
Thismightbebecause,insteadofgettingintouchwithhowtheyfeel,
theyhaveledtheirlivesaccordingtootherpeople’sexpectations.
Liveyourlifenottosatisfyothers,buttofulfillwhatyourheartdesires.
Mydearyoungfriend,
pleasedon’tfeeldiscouraged
justbecauseyouareslightlybehind.
Lifeisn’tahundred-meterraceagainstyourfriends,
butalifelongmarathonagainstyourself.
Ratherthanfocusingongettingaheadofyourfriends,
firsttrytodiscoveryouruniquecolor.
“HaeminSunim,IhopeyoubecomeagreatteacherliketheDalaiLama.”
“Thankyouforyourkindness.IdeeplyadmireHisHoliness.
ButIdon’twanttobecometheDalaiLama.
IwouldliketobecomeHaeminSunim.”
Don’tflithereandtherelikeaschooloffish
justbecausethatiswhatyourfriendsdo
orbecauseotherssayitiswhatyoushoulddo.
Standbyyourconvictions.
Upendtheexistingparadigm
andbecomeatrendsetter.
TherearethingsIwouldhavelikedtoteachmychildifI’dhadone:
Nomatterhowfamous,powerful,orrichsomepeopleare,
theyarenotverydifferentfromanyoneelse.
Welongfordeepconnectionandunconditionalacceptance.
Wehavethesameinsecuritiesandneedforapproval.
Thereisnoreasontofeelinferior.
![Page 111: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/111.jpg)
Ifyouareraisingachild,thenrememberthis:
Itisokayforyourchildtodowellinonearea
andnotsowellinothers.
Arestaurantspecializinginafewgooddishes
ismorelikelytodevelopagoodreputation
thanonewithalengthymenu.
Helpyourchildgodeepinherareaofinterest.
IntelligenceisnotjustaboutgettingstraightA’sandhighSATscores.
Itisalsoaboutbeingabletoempathizeandbeattunedtohowotherpeoplefeel.
Areyouacontrollingparent?
Areyoudevotingtoomuchattentiontoyourchild?
Iftheanswerisyes,
thenturnsomeofthatattentiontowardyourparents.
Ifyouaregoodtoyourownparents,
thenyourchildwilllearnhowtotreatyouinthefuture.
Fromayoungage,
somechildrenaretoldtocompete,
worriedaboutwhattheirparentswillsay,
insecureabouthowtheirfriendswilljudgethem.
Letthemknowitisokaytoenjoylife.
Helpthemdiscovertalentsthatcannotbegraded.
Respectthemsotheyknowwhatitfeelsliketoberespected.
Whydoesn’thighschoolteachessentiallifeskills?
Like:
Howtocook,
howtogooutonadate,
howtowatchyourweight,
howtobefinanciallyresponsible,
![Page 112: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/112.jpg)
howtopickyourselfupafterasetback,
howtobemindfulofyourthoughtsandemotions.
Insteadofbuildinguparésuméonlytolandajob,
enjoytheprocessoflearningsomethingnew.
Don’tdoitjustfortheend.
Delightinthemeans,too.
Evenifyouhaveothermotivesforvolunteering,
intheprocessofhelpingoutandconnectingwithpeople
youmaydiscoverthemeaningoflifeandofhappiness.
Thisiswhyitisimportanttovolunteer
regardlessofwhatcompelsyoutodosointhefirstplace.
Whenitcomestolearninganewskill,therearetwokindsofpeople.
Onekindpreferstofirststudythetypewriter,
whiletheotherstartsbypoundingonthekeys.
Onekindlikestofirstmasterthegrammarofaforeignlanguage,
whiletheotherlearnsinthetrenches,usingbodylanguageiftheymust.
Generallyspeaking,thesecondtypetendstolearnfasterthanthefirst,
becausethelatterisnotafraidofmakingmistakes.
Thereisnosuchthingasbeingcompletelyprepared.
Lifeisanadventure,throughwhichwelearnandmature.
Ofcourse,wemustconsiderallouroptionscarefully.
Butifwewaitfor100percentcertainty,thenitisoftentoolate.
Whenyouareabouttomakeanimportantdecision,
thereisalwaysamomentofhesitationrightbeforeyousignonthedottedline.
Don’tpullback.Youhavecomeallthiswayafterhavinggivenitseriousthought.
![Page 113: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/113.jpg)
Don’tlookback.Continueonyourpathcourageously,likeaone-hornedrhinoceros.
Sometimesyouhavetopushthroughwithyourconvictions.
Youcannotpleaseeveryone.
Donotholdbackjustbecause
youareafraidsomeonemightcriticizeyou.
Youwillprobablyearnyourselfafewenemies,
butmanyotherswillrespectyouforstandingupforwhatyoubelieve.
Donotturndowntoomanyopportunities.
Ifyouinsistyouneedmorepreparation,
youmaynotbeinvitedagainwhenyoufinallyfeelready.
Youareready.
Youcantakeupthechallenge.
Whenyouwakeupinthemorning,saytoyourself:
“Iwon’tspendtodaypassively,
justdoingwhatotherstellmetodo.
Iwilltaketheleadandforgemyowndestiny!”
Establishagoalfortheweek.
Thereisabigdifferencebetweenhavingagoalandnothavingone.
Asignificantaccomplishmentcanbetracedbacktoasinglethought.
Evenifyouhavejustamodestdream,
don’tkeepittoyourself.Talktoothersaboutit.
Bythetimeyoutelltenpeople,itismorelikelytocometrue.
Trythesetwothingsatthesametime:
Pretendyouarealreadyachampion
andworkdiligentlyatbecomingone.
Thegapbetweenbeliefandrealitywillsoonclose.
![Page 114: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/114.jpg)
![Page 115: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/115.jpg)
WhenYouLookforYourCalling
Itisnoteasytofindone’scallinginlife.Althoughsomeknowwhattheywanttodofromanearlyage,formost,ittakesmanyyearstofindtheirpath.WheneverIamaskedaboutfindingone’scalling,Iofferthefollowingadvice.
First,oneofthereasonsitisdifficulttofindyourcallingisthatyousimplydonotknowwhatkindofjobsareoutthereintheworld.Wherecanyoudiscoveroptionsotherthanthejobsyoualreadyknowofthroughyourfamilyandfriends?
Theeasiestwaytoexposeyourselftoanarrayofindirectexperiencesisbyreading.Haveyoureaduponscience,travel,fashion,art,orpolitics?Howabouteducation,psychology,finance,health,food,music,orsports?Readwidelyasyouexploredifferentprofessions.Youcanalsoreadabiographyofsomeoneyouadmireandhopetoemulate.Booksbroadenyourhorizonsandintroduceyoutonewpossibilities.
Second,itishardtofindone’scallingbecausemanymistakenlybelievetheyneedtolookonlywithintodiscovertheirpassion.Althoughitistruethatwehaveinnateinterestsandtalents,weoftendonotknowwhattheyareuntilwehavereal-lifeexperiences.Havingawiderangeofexperiencescanhelpyouuncoveryourinnerpassion.
Tryvariouspart-timejobsandinternships,orvolunteer.
Don’tbeafraidofrollingupyoursleevesanddivingin.
Whileimmersedinajob’sreality,youwilldiscoverwhetherit’sagoodfit.
Workexperiencesmayunlockthedoortoacareeropportunityyouhadn’tconsidered.
Third,itisdifficulttofindyourcallingwithoutsufficientself-awareness.Doyouknowwhatkindofworkenvironmentyouthrivein?Doyoudrawyourenergyfrominteractingwithpeople?Doyouperformwellunderpressure?Whatareyourstrengthsandweaknesses?
![Page 116: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/116.jpg)
Youcanincreaseyourself-awarenessbyinteractingwithawiderangeofpeopleinawidevarietyofsituations.Youwilldevelopadeeperunderstandingofyourselfasyoucultivaterelationships,whichbecomeamirrorreflectingyourstrengthsandweaknessesinvariouscircumstances.Donotbeafraidofmeetingnewpeople.Gettoknowthosewhoareworkinginafieldyouareinterestedin.Gooutondates;theyareanothergoodwaytolearnaboutyourself.Discoverwhattypesofpeoplearecompatiblewithyourpersonality.Fromtheseexperiences,youwillgaininsightintowhatkindsofpeopleyouliketosurroundyourselfwith.
Lastly,donotselectyourcareerbasedonwhatotherswillthinkofyourchoice.Thetruthisthatotherpeopledonotreallythinkaboutyouthatmuch.Ifyouthinkyouwillenjoysomething,thendonotoverthinkit.Justdoit.Evenifitdoesnotturnoutthewayyouimaginedit,youwillstillappreciateitforwhatithastaughtyou.
Iwishyouthebestofluck!
Measureyourself-worth
notwiththebalanceofyourbankaccount
butwiththefrequencyofyourgenerosity.
Thecollegeyougraduatedfromisnotthatimportant.
Thelifeyouhavechosentoliveaftercollegeis.
“Whenhiring,Ilikepeoplewhoareconfidentbutwhocanadmitwhentheyarewrong.
![Page 117: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/117.jpg)
Forthatkindofperson,Idon’thavetolookatanyothercredentials,
becausetheyaresureofthemselvesbutwon’tlettheiregogetintheway.”
—AHNCHEOL-SOO,SOUTHKOREANSOFTWAREENTREPRENEUR
Whenyoulookforajob,
trytofindouthowlongacompany’semployeesstayatthecompany.
Thisismoreimportantthanthesizeofthecompanyorthesalaryoffered.
Ifpeoplekeepleaving,thenthatsaysalot.
Areyounervousoreventerrifiedaboutyournewjob?
Isitbecauseyouareafraidofdisappointingyournewboss?
Justdothebestyoucanwithoutbeingself-consciousaboutyourwork.
Evenifyourworkislessthansuperb,ifyouaresincereanddedicated,
thenyourbossandcolleagueswillappreciateyou.
Ifyouhappentovisitaworkplacethatappearsmuchbetterthanyours,
insteadoffeelingenvious,examinetheplacemorecarefully.
Youmayfindadownsidethatchangesyourfirstimpression.
Themomentyourealizethat,youwillfeelgratefulforyourcurrentjob.
Beingagoodbossrequiresmuchmorethan
justhavingalotoftechnicalknowledge.
Itisimportanttohaveintegrityandapositiverelationshipwiththestaff,
togivetimelyfeedbackandprofessionalmentoring,and
toadvocateforwhattheteamneeds.
Abossshouldnotbeoverlyconcernedwithhowsheisperceived.
Thisissecondary.
Rather,sheshouldfocusonhowherworkaffectsthestaffandclients.
Awiseleaderdoesn’tassembleateamofonlythosewhoagreewithhim.
Heneedssomeonewhodisagreeswithhim,toallowhimtoseehisblindspots.
![Page 118: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/118.jpg)
Anineptleaderattemptstomicromanageeverything.
Hisstaffwillwindupdoingonlywhattheyaretold.
Askillfulleaderknowshowtodelegatetosubordinates
andtowaitforthemtotakeresponsibilityandseethejobtoasuccessfulconclusion.
Dedicationtoone’sjobshouldnotbemeasured
byhowlateoneworks
orhowoftenoneforgoesavacation
butbyhoweffectivelyoneworksand
whatkindofcontributiononemakestothebusiness.
Peopleoftenhaveunrealisticexpectations
ofthesuccessoftheirfirstbook,album,orshow.
Justasthereisnoeffectwithoutacause,
successdoesn’tcomeaboutbyluckalone,
withoutyearsofpreparationandhardwork.
Itisnotalwaysagoodthingtogetwhatyouwant.
Ifeverythinghappensthewayyouwant,
itiseasytobecomelazyandarrogant.
Youmayalsolosetheabilitytoempathizewithpeoplehavingdifficulties.
Perhapsanyhardshipyoumayexperienceisanimportantlifelesson.
Ajockeydoesnotwhipastandinghorse.
Ajockeywhipsonlyarunninghorse.
Whenyourteacherreprimandsyou,
learntoacceptitgracefully.
Sheisdoingitbecauseshecares.
Shebelievesyoucandobetter.
Yourfreedomismoreimportantthanmoney.
![Page 119: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/119.jpg)
Itisbettertolivethekindoflifeyouwant
thantoearnmoreandbeconstrained.
Don’tsellyourfreedom.
Ifsomeoneurgesyoutofollowhispathforsuccess
butitisnotwhatyourheartdesires,
thenlistentoyourheart
beforeitistoolate.
Thevaguestandleasteffectivestatement:
“Iwillhavewhatever.”
Somepeoplewouldliketohavealltheirdecisionsmadeforthem—
hencetheopportunityforcharismaticcultleaders
totakeadvantageofthem.
Nevercedethepowertomakedecisionsaboutyourlife.
TheBuddhaandJesusexistbecauseyouexist.
Youaretheownerofyourlife.
Valueyourselffirst.
Ibecameamonasticpractitioner
becauseIwantedtoknowthetruemeaningoflife.
BecauseIwantedtoawakentomytruenature.
BecauseIdidn’twanttosubjectmyself
tothemeasuresofsuccessaccordingtoothers.
BecauseIdidn’twanttomeetmydeath
afteralifetimeofstruggleformoneyandpower.
Thereisonlyonewaytobungeejump:Justleap!
Themoreyouthink,theharderitbecomes.
Overthinkingproducesonlyanxietyanddoubt.
![Page 120: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/120.jpg)
Stopshouting,“Whatif?”andjusttakealeapoffaith.
Withoutbeingcompromisedbytheneedtogetinsomeone’sgoodgraces,
youcanstandtall,nomatterwhomyoudealwith.
Ifyouhaveledanhonorableandhonestlife,
thereisnoneedtobeafraidofspeakingthetruth.
ThegreatKoreanZenmasterKyeongbong(1892–1982)oncesaid:
“ThosewhohavenotrealizedtheirTrueSelfliveliketheblind,
unintentionallyscratchingsomeoneelse’sleg.
Ifyouwouldliketoscratchyourownleg,
firstawakentoyourTrueSelf.”
![Page 121: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/121.jpg)
C H A P T E R E I G H T
Spirituality
![Page 122: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/122.jpg)
Long-LostCousins
Donotjudgesothatyouwillnotbejudged.
Forinthewayyoujudge,youwillbejudged;andbyyourstandofmeasure,itwillbemeasuredtoyou.
—MATTHEW7:1–2
WHENEVERIREADtheabovebiblicalpassage,IamremindedofasimilarphilosophyintheBuddhisttraditioncalledthelawofkarma.Asmanypeopleknow,itisthelawofcauseandeffectoftendescribedsuccinctlyintheWestas,“Youreapwhatyousow,”or“Whatgoesaroundcomesaround.”Itisawonderfuladmonitionthatcompelsustoexaminetheconsequencesofourthought,speech,andbehavior.AlthoughIamaBuddhist,IhavebeendeeplyinfluencedbymanypassagesintheBible.ThefirsttimeIpickeduptheBibleforseriousstudywasincollege,formycomparativereligionclass.IlearnedaboutthehistoryofChristianityandanalyzedvariousbiblicallessons,andsoonIbegantoopenmyhearttoit.IrealizedthatTruthisnottheexclusivepropertyofanyonereligion.Ithasauniversalqualitythatallowspeopleofdifferentreligioustraditionstorecognizeandrespectit.
AbouttwoyearsagoIhadtheuniqueopportunitytovisitaruralFrenchvillagecalledTaizé,ineasternBurgundy,alongwitheldermonksfrommyBuddhistorder.ItisanecumenicalChristianmonasticcommunity,wheremonasticbrothersliveaccordingtotheBible.TaizéisfamousasaChristianpilgrimagesite,eachyearattractingmorethanahundredthousandyoungadultsfromallovertheworld.Thepilgrimsusuallyspendseveraldaysinthecommunitywhileparticipatinginmorning,midday,andeveningprayersaswellasquietreflectionandsmallgroupdiscussions.IwasalreadyfamiliarwiththeTaizécommunity’ssoul-stirringchantsandwaslookingforwardtoattendingtheirwonderfulprayerservice.
WhenwearrivedatbeautifulTaizé,thebrotherscameoutandgreeteduswarmly.Cladinwhiterobes,theyhadgentlesmilesandapeacefulpresence,almostasiftheywereangelsincarnated.Ourlightgraymonasticrobeslookedquitesimilartotheirwhiteones,anditwasasifwehadbecomeonelargefamily.Thebrothersgaveusatourofthecommunityand,toofficiallywelcomeus,chanted“ConfiteminiDomino”—oneofthemostbeautifulsongsI’veheardinmylife.Wewereinvitedtotheirlivingquartersandhada
![Page 123: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/123.jpg)
nicechatfollowedbymiddayprayersintheChurchofReconciliation.ThemoretimewespentinTaizé,themoreIcouldseethesimilaritiestoBuddhistmonasticliving.ThebrothersspenthoursinsilentprayerasawaytoturntheirattentiontoGodwithin,notunlikeoursilentmeditationpractice.AnothersimilaritywasthatthebrothersworearingtosignifytheirvowstoGod;monksfrommyorder“wear”asmallincenseburnonourleftarmwhenwereceiveourfullprecepts.
Somemaythinkthatlifeinsuchacommunityisrepressed,strict,anddifficult,butthatisnotthecase.Amonasticlifeischaracterizedbysimplebeautyandunexpectedjoy.Monksfindhappinessinthingsthatmayseemtrivialtothosewhopursuethematerialtrappingsofsuccess.Watchingtheseasonschange—theblossomingofthemagnolias,thedazzlingfallfoliage,thefirstsnowfall—bringsindescribablejoyandgratitude.Asimplemealmadewithfreshingredientsfromthenearbymountainsisasourceofgreatcontentment.Becauseourmonasticbrothersareourfriends,teachers,andfamily,weareneverlonely.
Atlunchwewerepresented,toourcompletesurprise,withkimchi.Weweretoldthatthebrothershadgatheredafewdaysbeforeourarrivaltomakeitthemselves.Weweresomovedbytheirhospitalityanddidnotknowhowtoreciprocate.Althoughwewerefromadifferentreligionandcountry,theywelcomeduswithconsiderationandlove.WhenweleftTaizé,wefeltasthoughwe’djustvisitedourlong-lostcousins.IknewIwouldcherishthisbondfortherestofmylife.Evennow,whenIseeoneoftheeldermonkswhovisitedTaizéwithme,wefondlyrecalleatingthebrothers’kimchiwithbaguettes.
![Page 124: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/124.jpg)
![Page 125: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/125.jpg)
“Howshouldweconsideradifferentspiritualpath?
Weshallapproachitwithhumility
aswellasawillingnesstolearnaboutanothertradition.
Ifourfaithcanbeshaken
frommerelylearningaboutadifferenttradition,
thenthatfaithisnotworthkeeping.”
—REVERENDDR.KANGWONYONG(1917–2006)
Justasmyfaithispreciousandsignificanttome,
wouldn’titbethesameforpeopleofotherfaiths?
Justasmymotherisdearandimportanttome,
wouldn’tthisbethecaseformyneighborandhismother?
Maypeopleknowhowtodifferentiatebetween
thecertaintyofone’sfaithandthefollyofattackingotherfaiths.
Mayfaithneverbecomeanideologicalweapontojustifyviolence.
IfJesus,Buddha,andConfuciuswereallaliveandgatheredinthesameplace,
wouldtheyargueoverwhoisright?
Orwouldtheyrespectandadmireoneanother’steachings?
Religiousconflictcanoftenbeblamed
notonthefoundersofreligions
butontheirfanaticalfollowers.
“Thepurposeofreligionistocontrolyourself,nottocriticizeothers.
HowmuchamIdoingaboutmyanger,attachment,hatred,pride,andjealousy?
Thesearethethingswemustcheckinourdailylives.”
—HISHOLINESS,THEDALAILAMA
Iftheessenceisforgotten,ritualtakesover.
Whenritualdominatesspiritualpractice,
![Page 126: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/126.jpg)
ouroutwardappearancesbecomemoreimportantthanourinnerexperience.
Forinstance,ifyoumeditateinthehopeofenlightenment,
howlongandwithwhomyoumeditateisnotasimportantas
howyourpracticehaschangedyourheartandyourrelationships.
AccordingtoProfessorKang-NamOh,
thefaithfulcanbedividedroughlyintotwogroups:
peopleof“surfacefaith”andpeopleof“in-depthfaith.”
Thesurfacefaithfulareboundbyspiritualsymbols;
theyoftendisputethespiritualsymbolsofotherfaiths.
Thein-depthfaithfulunderstandmeaningsdeeperthanthesymbols.
Theycanfindsimilarmeaningsinthesymbolismofdiversespiritualtraditions,
andharmonyamongsuchtraditions.
“Heretic”isaloadedterm.
Ithasbeenslappedonanybelieforpractice
thatdoesn’tconformtothedominantspiritualbeliefofanera.
Ifyouarecallingaspiritualpathheretical,rememberthat
yourswasonceconsideredassuchwhenitfirststarted.
“Hewhoknowsonlyonereligionknowsnone.”
—MAXMÜLLER(1823–1900),
GERMANSCHOLAROFCOMPARATIVELANGUAGE,RELIGION,ANDMYTHOLOGY
Ignoranceofotherspiritualpathscombinedwithfear
cangiverisetoreligiouspersecutionandviolence.
Majorwisdomtraditionsaroundtheworldteach
humility,love,andforbearance.
Nothingbadwillcomeoflearningaboutthem.
Youcanadmireaspiritualleaderbutneveridolizehim.
![Page 127: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/127.jpg)
Blindfaithintheleadercaneasilyreduceyoutoactinglikeachild,
handingoveryourpowerandaskingtheleadertodothingsforyou.
Medicinecanbeprescribed,butitmustbeyouwhotakesit.
Aspiritualleaderisafingerpointingatthemoon.
Ifthefingerattemptstobecomethemoon,
thiscanleadtoagravesin.
Wemustcultivateallthreeintelligencesforouroverallhealth:
criticalintelligence,emotionalintelligence,andspiritualintelligence.
Ifonefallstothewayside,itslowsthegrowthoftheothertwo.
Ifyouhavedevelopedcriticalintelligencebutneglectedemotionalintelligence,
thenyoumaynotbesensitivetothesufferingofothers.
Ifyouhavedevelopedemotionalintelligencebutneglectedspiritualintelligence,
thenyoumaylosehopeafterseeingtheworld’ssuffering.
Ifyouhavedevelopedspiritualintelligencebutneglectedcriticalintelligence,
thenyoumayfallvictimtotheabuseofacult.
Whateverthecircumstances,donotfeelinferior.
RememberthatGodhascreatedyouinHisdivineimage.
YouarethemostpreciousdaughterorsonofGod.
YouarealsotheBuddha,evenifyouhavenotrealizedityet.
YouhavethesameBuddhanatureasallbuddhasintheuniverse.
Donotallowanyonetomakeyoufeellessthanthat.
![Page 128: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/128.jpg)
Faithisovervaluedwhilepracticeisundervalued.
Ifweemphasizefaithoverpractice,
spiritualityremainsideology,creatingtheologicalconflicts.
Butifwefocusoncarryingouttheteachingsinouractuallives,
werealizethatthelovetaughtbyJesus
isnodifferentfromthecompassiontaughtbytheBuddha.
Ifyouwishforpeaceamongdifferentspiritualpaths,
thenpracticewhatyoupreach.
ThreeBibleversesIcherish:
“Ineverything,therefore,treatpeoplethesamewayyouwantthemtotreatyou,
forthisistheLawandtheProphets.”
—MATTHEW7:12
“NoteveryonewhosaystoMe,‘Lord,Lord,’willenterthekingdomofheaven,
buthewhodoesthewillofMyFatherwhoisinheavenwillenter.”
—MATTHEW7:21
“TrulyIsaytoyou,totheextentthatyoudidittooneofthesebrothersofMine,
eventheleastofthem,youdidittoMe.”
—MATTHEW25:40
![Page 129: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/129.jpg)
![Page 130: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/130.jpg)
TwoSpiritualPathsinOneFamily
Whenyourspiritualpathisdifferentfromthatofyourfiancé,whenyoursiblingstrytoconvertyoutotheirnewfaith,whenyourchilddecidestofollowadifferentpath,thiscancreatetension,awkwardness,andstress.Disagreementsandargumentscanerupt,andallofasuddenyoufindyourselfnegotiatinghowtocarryoutafuneral,wedding,religiousholiday.
Itisironicthatspiritualitycanbecomeasourceofconflictwhenitsteachingsareoftenaboutloveandreconciliation.Forthosehavingproblemswithtwospiritualpathsinonefamily,Iwouldliketoofferthisadvice.
Aboveall,pleaseunderstandthatwhatmakesyoufeeltenseandawkwardisnotthespiritualityitselfbutthepressurefromyourfamilytoconform.Youmayresenttheircoercivenessandself-righteousness.Youmayfeeltheirspiritualpathisstrangeandunorthodox.
Agoodremedytoasituationlikethisistolearnmoreabouttheotherspiritualpath.Findabookbyarespectedmemberofthatpathandstudyit.Ifyouareopen-mindedandwillingtolearn,thenyouwillsoondiscoversomeaspectsofthatpathresonatingwithyours.Althoughtheouterspiritualsymbolsaredifferent,themeaningbehindthemmaysoundoddlyfamiliartoyou.
Youcanalsoreadabiographyofagreatspiritualteacherinthattradition,suchasMahatmaGandhi,MartinLutherKingJr.,MotherTeresa,ortheDalaiLama.Asyoulearnmoreabouttheirlivesandfaiths,youwillbeabletoappreciatetheircourageandcometorespecttheirpath.Thischangeofattitudewillpositivelyinfluencethefamilydynamic.Althoughyoucannotcontrolhowyourfamilyfeelsaboutyourpath,atleastyouwillnolongerfeeluneasyabouttheirs.
Butifyourfamilycontinuestobenarrow-mindedandtoshowdisrespect,thenspeakupconfidentlyandeducatethem.Tellthemthegreatleadersoftheirpathdidnotactthatway.MartinLutherKingJr.andThichNhatHanhrespectedeachother;ThomasMertonandtheDalaiLamaweregoodfriends.
![Page 131: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/131.jpg)
Thosewhounderstanddeepermeaningsbeyondthesurfaceandwhotrytoembodyhumilityandpeacealsorecognizethefamiliarinnerlightflickeringintheeyesofotherreligiousfollowers.
Whenthishappens,theybecomemorehumbleandopentothemysteriesofhumanincarnationwhilefeelingconnectedtothefragilityofhumanhearts.
Wedon’treceivemorelovefromGodbyaskingforit.
Rather,weawakentothetruththatGodhasalwayslovedusunconditionally.
Wedon’tturnintoabuddhabystrivingforit.
Rather,weawakentothetruththatwehavebeenbuddhasallalong.
Inthebeginning,ourprayertakestheshapeof,
“Pleasegrantmethis,pleasegrantmethat,”
andthendevelopsinto,“Thankyouforeverything,”
andthenmaturesinto,“Iwanttoresembleyou.”
Eventuallyittranscendslanguage,
andwepraywithourwholebeinginsacredsilence.
Asmyprayerdeepens,
IhearmoreofHisvoicethanmywords.
Asmyhumilitygrows,
IfeelmoreofHisloveoverflowinginmyheart.
Asmymindquietsdown,
IsensemoreofHispresenceineverymoment.
Asyourfaithandspiritualpracticedeepen,
thesenseofaseparateselforegodiminishes,
leavingmoreroomfordivinitytofillyourheart.
Ifyouhaveprayedmostlytobenefityourself,
thenshiftgearsandtryprayingtogiveupsomeofyourcontrol.
Ifyouhavebeenprayinglikethis—
“Pleasegrantmethis.Ireallyneedthistohappen”—
![Page 132: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/132.jpg)
thentrytopraythiswayaswell—
“EnlargemyhearttoholdandacceptthethingsIcannot.”
DonotbargainwithGod,Buddha,oranydivinebeing
togiveyouwhatyouwantinexchangeformaterialofferings.
Ifyoudonotknowhowtosolveaprobleminyourlife,giveprayeratry.
Asyoubringyourattentioninwardandsincerelyseekananswer,
somethingsacredwithinyouunlocksthedoorofinnerwisdom.
Ifyouaredesperatelylookingtomeetsomeonespecial,
sendyourprayerouttotheuniverse.
Theuniverseisanamazingmatchmaker.
Monasticscanprayformanyyearsbecause
theirprayersofhappinessforothersmakethemhappy.
AsIpreparetoofficiateatmyfriend’swedding,Ibecomejoyous.
Forunenlightenedpeople,noteverydayisagoodday,
becausetheyfeelhappyonlywhenthingshappenthewaytheywantthemto.
Forenlightenedpeople,everysingledayisagoodday,
becausetheyfeelfreeknowingthatnothingcantakeawaytheirwisdom.
Whenanunenlightenedpersondoesgood,hetriestoleavehismark.
Whenanenlightenedpersondoesgood,heleavesnomarks.
Theholierapersonis,
themorelikelyitisthatshedescribesherselfasasinner.
Thisisbecauseshedoesn’tlietoherself.
“Thesaintsarewhattheyare
notbecausetheirsanctitymakesthemadmirabletoothers
butbecausethegiftofsainthoodmakesitpossibleforthemtoadmireeverybodyelse.”
![Page 133: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/133.jpg)
—THOMASMERTON*
Clergyandteacherstendtobeverbose,
andolderclergyandteachersevenmoreso.
IhopeIdon’tbecomethatpersonwhotalksendlessly
withoutnoticinghowthepersoninfrontofmefeels.
Itisasignofgreatspiritualstrength
tokeepsomeoneelse’ssecret.
“Whenaministerpreaches,hemustpreach
notonlytothecongregationbutalsotohimself.”
—REVERENDHONGJEONG-GIL
AccordingtoCardinalNicolasCheongJin-suk,
“Thereisnorecordofthebiblicalstoryofonefishmultiplyingtotwoorthree.
Thereisalsonorecordoffishfallingfromthesky.
Whatprobablyhappenedwasthatpeopletookouttheirlunches
andsharedtheirfoodwithothersafterlisteningtoJesus’movingprayer.”
Amiracleisnotjustanotherworldlyphenomenontranscendingthelawsofnature.
Lettinggoofself-centerednessandopeningone’shearttoothers
arejustasmiraculous.
ThereisasimplewaytotesttheveracityoftheBuddha’steachings.
Findthemostcomfortableposture.
Remaininthatpostureforthirtyminutes.
Themostcomfortableposturesoonbecomesthemostuncomfortable.
Everythingisimpermanent,includingtheworld’smostcomfortableposture.
Donotforceyourselfonaspiritualpath.
Letitsteachingsgentlyopenyourheartandleadyou.
![Page 134: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/134.jpg)
Likesaltgraduallydissolvinginwater,lettheteachingsdissolveinyourheart.
![Page 135: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/135.jpg)
E P I L O G U E
YourOriginalFaceWhenyouaresobusythatyoufeelperpetuallychased,whenworryingthoughtscircleyourhead,whenthefutureseemsdarkanduncertain,whenyouarehurtbywhatsomeonehassaid,slowdown,evenifonlyforamoment.Bringallofyourawarenessintothepresentandtakeadeepbreath.
Whatdoyouhear?Whatdoesyourbodyfeel?Whatdoestheskylooklike?
Onlywhenweslowdowncanwefinallyseeclearlyourrelationships,ourthoughts,ourpain.Asweslowdown,wearenolongertangledinthem.Wecanstepoutandappreciatethemforwhattheyare.
Thefacesofourfamilyandcolleagueswhoalwayshelp,thescenerythatwepassbyeverydaybutfailtonotice,ourfriends’storiesthatwefailtopayattentionto—inthestillnessofthepause,theentiretyofourbeingisquietlyrevealed.
![Page 136: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/136.jpg)
Wisdomisnotsomethingwehavetostrivetoacquire.Rather,itarisesnaturallyasweslowdownandnoticewhatisalreadythere.
Aswenoticemoreandmoreinthepresentmoment,wecometoadeeperrealizationthatasilentobserveriswithinus.Intheprimordialstillness,thesilentobserverwitnesseseverythinginsideandoutside.
Befriendthesilentobserver.Findoutwhereitis,andwhatshapeithasassumed.Donottrytoimagineitassomethingyoualreadyknow.Letallyourthoughtsandimagesmergebackintosilenceandjustsensetheobserveralreadythereinsilence.
Ifyouseethefaceofthesilentobserver,thenyouhavefoundyouroriginalface,frombeforeyouwereborn.
![Page 137: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/137.jpg)
*GilFronsdal,translator,TheDhammapada:ANewTranslationoftheBuddhistClassicwithAnnotations(Boulder:Shambhala,2011).
![Page 138: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/138.jpg)
*QuotefromtheDalaiLama’sJuly11,2011,tweet,https://twitter.com/DalaiLama/status/90351201736065024.
![Page 139: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/139.jpg)
*VirginiaHilu,editorandarranger,BelovedProphet:TheLoveLettersofKahlilGibranandMaryHaskellandHerPrivateJournal(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1972).
![Page 140: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/140.jpg)
*KahlilGibran,TheProphet(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1967).
![Page 141: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/141.jpg)
*Gibran,TheProphet.
![Page 142: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/142.jpg)
*Gibran,TheProphet.
![Page 143: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/143.jpg)
*TaroGold,OpenYourMind,OpenYourLife:ABookofEasternWisdom(KansasCity,MO:AndrewsMcMeel,2002).
![Page 144: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/144.jpg)
*ThomasMerton,NewSeedsofContemplation(NewYork:NewDirections,2007).
![Page 145: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/145.jpg)
![Page 146: The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down · 2019-06-25 · The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down HAEMIN SUNIM is one of the most influential Zen Buddhist teachers and](https://reader033.vdocuments.net/reader033/viewer/2022053001/5f054e927e708231d412505d/html5/thumbnails/146.jpg)
What’snextonyourreadinglist?
Discoveryournextgreatread!
Getpersonalizedbookpicksandup-to-datenewsaboutthisauthor.
Signupnow.