The Two Realms of Fairness

The Two Realms of Fairness

The Universal Realm…We’re Wired for Justice (but also for revenge)

The Learned Realm

The Universal Realm…We’re Wired for Justice (but also for revenge)

The Learned Realm

Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions

Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions

1) If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my needs and be fair automatically.

2) Love conquers all.3) What’s fair is intuitively obvious.4) It isn’t fair for me to put my needs ahead of someone

I love.5) Since I am a good person, my take on things is usually

fair.6) The past is the past and has nothing to do with how

fair my relationship is now.7) You can only have a fair relationship if the other

person changes.8) Insight just excuses bad behavior.

1) If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my needs and be fair automatically.

2) Love conquers all.3) What’s fair is intuitively obvious.4) It isn’t fair for me to put my needs ahead of someone

I love.5) Since I am a good person, my take on things is usually

fair.6) The past is the past and has nothing to do with how

fair my relationship is now.7) You can only have a fair relationship if the other

person changes.8) Insight just excuses bad behavior.

Defining the New FairnessDefining the New Fairness

A working definition: Four Key Elements:

ReciprocityAcknowledgmentClaimsTrust

A working definition: Four Key Elements:

ReciprocityAcknowledgmentClaimsTrust

The SeeSaw of ReciprocityThe SeeSaw of Reciprocity

Balancing Give-and-TakeBalancing Give-and-Take

Errors in Give and Take You can give too much.You can take too much.

Errors in Give and Take You can give too much.You can take too much.

Relating from the Well of Trust

The Four Basic Violations of Fairness

The Four Basic Violations of Fairness

Loyalty Conflicts “Stupid” Fights Growing PainsEnduring Injustice

Loyalty Conflicts “Stupid” Fights Growing PainsEnduring Injustice

Loyalty is a PaybackLoyalty is a Payback

Loyalty: The Ties that Bond and Bind

Loyalty: The Ties that Bond and Bind

And marriage makes three: loyalty systems Two tribes Marital Loyalty: Choosing Between

Parents and SpouseNew Spouse and Children

You owe something to everyone…including yourself

And marriage makes three: loyalty systems Two tribes Marital Loyalty: Choosing Between

Parents and SpouseNew Spouse and Children

You owe something to everyone…including yourself

“Stupid Fights”“Stupid Fights”

You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve asked you not to, over and over again.asked you not to, over and over again.

You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up.You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up. You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s

without asking me.without asking me. I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t

ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in.ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in. You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up.You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up. Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like

Rambo.Rambo.

You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve asked you not to, over and over again.asked you not to, over and over again.

You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up.You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up. You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s

without asking me.without asking me. I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t

ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in.ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in. You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up.You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up. Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like

Rambo.Rambo.

Money, Children, Chores and Sex: Resolving Fairness and the

Growing Pains of Love

Money, Children, Chores and Sex: Resolving Fairness and the

Growing Pains of Love Inequitable, but fair? The Dance of FairnessThe Chore Wars: Who Does More?Money: Who Makes It? Who Spends It? Who Decides?

Money: Separate, Equal and Unhappy Jealously…Choose ME!

Inequitable, but fair? The Dance of FairnessThe Chore Wars: Who Does More?Money: Who Makes It? Who Spends It? Who Decides?

Money: Separate, Equal and Unhappy Jealously…Choose ME!

The Baggage You Bring to Relationships

The Baggage You Bring to Relationships

“Everybody’s got baggage…but my husband was not a neat packer.” Ellie, married sixteen years, divorced five.

“You keep bringing up the past, but in the past I wore diapers too. What’s it got to do with today?” (John, eight years, second marriage)

“Everybody’s got baggage…but my husband was not a neat packer.” Ellie, married sixteen years, divorced five.

“You keep bringing up the past, but in the past I wore diapers too. What’s it got to do with today?” (John, eight years, second marriage)

Six Childhood Entitlements That Promote Fairness 1. Protection and preservation of the primary relationships

with your mother, father, siblings and extended family2. Safe, reliable and nurturing parenting 3. Appropriate give-and-take between parent and child4. Being valued5. Negotiation of fairness issues 6. Repair and restoration of fairness and trust

Six Childhood Entitlements That Promote Fairness 1. Protection and preservation of the primary relationships

with your mother, father, siblings and extended family2. Safe, reliable and nurturing parenting 3. Appropriate give-and-take between parent and child4. Being valued5. Negotiation of fairness issues 6. Repair and restoration of fairness and trust

Benefits of RepairBenefits of Repair

Increased ability to take personal responsibilityIncreased empowerment and self-advocacyInterrupt the perpetuation of the unfairness cycle Use of voice over exit

Increased ability to take personal responsibilityIncreased empowerment and self-advocacyInterrupt the perpetuation of the unfairness cycle Use of voice over exit

The Relationship Survival KitThe Relationship Survival Kit

Recognizing the Injustice DoneAcknowledging the Harmful

ConsequencesMaking a Claim to Restore

FairnessReplenishing Trust

Recognizing the Injustice DoneAcknowledging the Harmful

ConsequencesMaking a Claim to Restore

FairnessReplenishing Trust

Enduring Injustice: To the Brink and Back to FairnessEnduring Injustice: To the Brink and Back to FairnessScenes from the minefieldsThe Paradox of Enduring InjusticeA New Model of Fairness Emerges

Scenes from the minefieldsThe Paradox of Enduring InjusticeA New Model of Fairness Emerges

Your Fairness ToolboxYour Fairness Toolbox

You can learn to be fairLet go of a one-sided perspectivePractice what you’ve learnedImprove the relationship skills you

learned in childhoodRisk being vulnerable againRepair is a two-way street

You can learn to be fairLet go of a one-sided perspectivePractice what you’ve learnedImprove the relationship skills you

learned in childhoodRisk being vulnerable againRepair is a two-way street

ReferencesReferences BIBLIOGRAPHY

Amato, P. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. Cited by Sue Shellenbarger, WSJ Online, Work and Family, July 13, 2006.

Aron, A.,Fischer, H., Mashek, D.,Strong, G.,Li, Haifang, Brown, L.L. 迭 eward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94: 327—337. First published May 31, 2005. See Carey, B.

Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Between give & take. NY: Brunner/Mazel: 1986. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Trust-based therapy: A contextual approach. American Journal of Psychiatry, 137, 767—775: 1980. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Spark, G. Invisible loyalties: Reciprocity in intergenerational family therapy. NY: Harper & Row, 1973. Cosomides, L. & Tooby, J. Knowing thyself: The evolutionary psychology of moral reasonsing and moral sentiments. Business, Science, and Ethics, 91-127, 2002. Cotroneo, M. (Winter 1987) Women and Abuse in the Context of the Family. In Journal of Psychotherapy and the Family. Vol. 3. Eaker,E, Sullivan,L, Kelly-Hayes,M. D’Agostino, R. Benjamin, E. Marital Status,Marital Strain, and Risk of Coronary Heart Disease or Total Mortality: The Framingham Offspring

Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, July18, August, 69: 509-513, 2007. Fruzzetti, A. E. The High Conflict Couple. A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation. CA: New Harbinger Publications: 2006. Gottman, J. Clinical manual for marital therapy. The Gottman Institute, 2005. Graham, S. ScientificAmerican.com. Chimps sense of justice found similar to humans. January 26, 2005. From Sarah Brosnan & Fran deWaal, Feb.7, 2005, Proceedings of the Royal

Society B: Biological Sciences. Haidt, J. The happiness hypothesis. NY: Basic Books: 2006. Hibbs, B. Janet. The context of growth: Relational ethics between parents and children. In L. Combrinck-Graham (Ed.), Family contexts: Perspectives on treatment. NY: Guilford

Publications, Inc.: 1989. Hochschild, A. & Machung, A. The second shift. NY: Penguin: 1989. Krasner, B., and Joyce, A. Truth, trust, and relationships: Healing interventions in contextual therapy. NY: Brunner/Mazel, 1995, p. 18. Parker-Pope, T.: Well: Marital Spats, taken to heart. The New York Times, October, 2, 2007, F1. Perel, E. Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. NYC: Harper Collins, 2006. Pinker, S. (2008). The moral instinct: Evolution has endowed us with ethical impulses. Do we know what to do with them? The New York Times Magazine, January 13, 2008.

Section 6, p.32. Rosen, I. Payback time: Why revenge tastes so sweet. Cited by Carey, B. The New York Times, p.F1 and F6., July 27,2004. Shellenbarger, S. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. WSJ, Work and Family, July 13, 2006, F1. Spring, J. with M Spring. After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY: Perennial: 1996. Thompson, L. Contextual and relational morality: Intergenerational responsibility in late life. In J.A. Mancini (Ed.). Aging parents and adult children. MA: Lexington Books: 1989. Zaslow, J. ‘It’s All Your Fault’: Why Americans Can’t Stop Playing The Blame Game. The Wall Street Journal, September 14, 2006. Personal Section: Moving On, F1.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Amato, P. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. Cited by Sue Shellenbarger, WSJ Online, Work and Family, July 13, 2006.

Aron, A.,Fischer, H., Mashek, D.,Strong, G.,Li, Haifang, Brown, L.L. 迭 eward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94: 327—337. First published May 31, 2005. See Carey, B.

Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Between give & take. NY: Brunner/Mazel: 1986. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Trust-based therapy: A contextual approach. American Journal of Psychiatry, 137, 767—775: 1980. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Spark, G. Invisible loyalties: Reciprocity in intergenerational family therapy. NY: Harper & Row, 1973. Cosomides, L. & Tooby, J. Knowing thyself: The evolutionary psychology of moral reasonsing and moral sentiments. Business, Science, and Ethics, 91-127, 2002. Cotroneo, M. (Winter 1987) Women and Abuse in the Context of the Family. In Journal of Psychotherapy and the Family. Vol. 3. Eaker,E, Sullivan,L, Kelly-Hayes,M. D’Agostino, R. Benjamin, E. Marital Status,Marital Strain, and Risk of Coronary Heart Disease or Total Mortality: The Framingham Offspring

Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, July18, August, 69: 509-513, 2007. Fruzzetti, A. E. The High Conflict Couple. A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation. CA: New Harbinger Publications: 2006. Gottman, J. Clinical manual for marital therapy. The Gottman Institute, 2005. Graham, S. ScientificAmerican.com. Chimps sense of justice found similar to humans. January 26, 2005. From Sarah Brosnan & Fran deWaal, Feb.7, 2005, Proceedings of the Royal

Society B: Biological Sciences. Haidt, J. The happiness hypothesis. NY: Basic Books: 2006. Hibbs, B. Janet. The context of growth: Relational ethics between parents and children. In L. Combrinck-Graham (Ed.), Family contexts: Perspectives on treatment. NY: Guilford

Publications, Inc.: 1989. Hochschild, A. & Machung, A. The second shift. NY: Penguin: 1989. Krasner, B., and Joyce, A. Truth, trust, and relationships: Healing interventions in contextual therapy. NY: Brunner/Mazel, 1995, p. 18. Parker-Pope, T.: Well: Marital Spats, taken to heart. The New York Times, October, 2, 2007, F1. Perel, E. Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. NYC: Harper Collins, 2006. Pinker, S. (2008). The moral instinct: Evolution has endowed us with ethical impulses. Do we know what to do with them? The New York Times Magazine, January 13, 2008.

Section 6, p.32. Rosen, I. Payback time: Why revenge tastes so sweet. Cited by Carey, B. The New York Times, p.F1 and F6., July 27,2004. Shellenbarger, S. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. WSJ, Work and Family, July 13, 2006, F1. Spring, J. with M Spring. After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY: Perennial: 1996. Thompson, L. Contextual and relational morality: Intergenerational responsibility in late life. In J.A. Mancini (Ed.). Aging parents and adult children. MA: Lexington Books: 1989. Zaslow, J. ‘It’s All Your Fault’: Why Americans Can’t Stop Playing The Blame Game. The Wall Street Journal, September 14, 2006. Personal Section: Moving On, F1.