The Valley TribuneApril Fool’s Day 2015 Spring Valley High School’s Student Newspaper Volume: 11 Issue: 4

PREVIEW

By SHELBY BELLOMYThe Valley Tribune As a part of the new advisor/advisee clubs, Spring Valley will be starting a scuba diving organization in addition to all the other new clubs. Josh Sammons has volunteered to coach the new group, dubbed the Scuba Wolves. Sammons immediately announced that the Scuba Wolves will be partnering with the National Narwhal Relief Fund or NNRF. As part of the partnership, participants will be asked to con-tribute all free time to finding ways to save and protect the narwhal, which is hunted for its horns.The research will begin April 1st and all members will be required to provide their own scuba suits and goggles. However, there are concerns that not enough students can afford or obtain scuba gear in West Virginia. "This is a very worrying issue" said Percy Weatherby, head of Spring Valley's Department of Aquatics. "It could put our entire club initiative in jeopardy." Sammons and Weatherby are currently analyzing the new Common Core standards to find out if scuba diving clubs are included. If not, they plan on writing to the Secretary of State for help. The school has also received a grant from the UN to buy twenty used oxygen tanks for use during club time. CONTINUE ON PAGE 4

By SHELBY BELLOMYThe Valley Tribune Tuesdays are the downfall of the week. It is the worst day of the week because it is essentially meaningless. Monday is the first day of the week, Wednesday is the middle of the week, Thursday is the day before Friday, Friday is the first day of the weekend, Saturday is the heart of the weekend, and Sunday is the end of the weekend. So what does Tuesday do? Nothing. Tuesday are pointless.Tuesday is pronounced Twos-day, but it is actually the third day of the week. This should not be! Many bad things have also happened on Tues-day such as: 9/11, the death of Elvis, D-Day, the 1929 Stock Market Crash, and Columbine. Obama gave his State of the Union Address on a Tuesday. A scientific study conducted by the CDC recently determined that it is most likely to rain on a Tues-day. Tuesdays have been denounced as “the epito-

me of evil” by Steven C. Straley. Therefore Tues-days should be banned. If we ban Tuesdays our school week would go faster. A good idea would be to turn the empty space in the week for Tuesday to a weekend day and have a three day weekend and a four day work week. By the time Tuesday rolls around we are ex-hausted after having a long Monday and are ready for the weekend, so why not just get rid of Tues-day? Tuesday makes the week drag, and never fails to make Friday feel like an eternity away (unless in the case of vacationing then Tuesdays are pretty nice). However, without Tuesday it would mess up our holidays in correlation to other countries. This would then make time move faster and years go by faster, causing people to age faster and life expec-tancy to go up because we will live to be older from not having Tuesdays. There are roughly 53 Tues-days in a year thus making a year only 312 days.

Banning Tuesdays!One student’s arguement for the prohibition of the second school day

Scuba WolvesNew scuba diving club for the aquatically-gifted

NEWS p. 5Lori Murray makes presidential bid

SPORTS p. 3Egg coloring brought to Olympics

EDITORIAL p. 11Brian Williams’ Autobiography found

HEALTH p. 11New procedure cre-ated for brain trans-plants

By BRENNA ADKINSThe Valley Tribune I don’t think anyone will pack their lunch or buy a school lunch ever again after hearing this. The Spring Valley school store is being replaced with Chick-Fil-A. Prayers have finally been answered with this one. Chick-Fil-A is an American fast food restaurant that is very popular for the marvelous chicken they make. The founder of the restaurant is S. Truett Cathy. Bless her extraordinary soul for founding this glorious place. Sadly, the Chick-Fil-A will not be free like the regular school lunch is. They are planning on working on it this summer and it should be opened in August of 2015. The menu for Chick-Fil-A will be posted on the school website in the summer so you know what they will have and how much money you’ll need. The first few weeks of the school year it will be a test to see how well it will work and to see if we can keep the heavenly place open. It seems like a dream to most people that they can actually eat amazing food at school. “I can’t believe we are finally getting a restaurant in our school! My absolute favorite one too!” Baylee Harrison said. School staff is worried that there will be chaos with having so many students, so they are thinking about finding another food place to open up in the commons. A teacher who is tired of the school lunch said “We are praying that no parents complain.”

By DRAGGON NAPIERThe Valley Tribune Spring Valley High School is having a laser tag arena built in the school’s basement. It will be avail-able to all students that have above a 3.0 GPA. It will cost only two dollars for students per match to play. The laser tag arena will be located in the school basement. The entrance to the basement is the stair-well between the Auxiliary Gym and the Main Gym.. To get access to the basement when the laser tag arena is finished, you must find one of the authorized teachers to take you there after buying the two dollar laser tag ticket. The laser tag arena will be open Friday and Saturday nights for students with a 3.0 GPA. Also, hard working students that have a 4.0 GPA will be able to play lazer tag on their lunch. This is the school’s way to encourage students to strive for higher grades and the ones who already have a 4.0 GPA to maintain it. Also, since teachers don’t have that many benefits, they will have free access to the laser tag arena before and after school. The laser tag arena will be a state of the art complex. The arena is a octagon-shaped arena lighted up by neon lights and glow sticks. There will be four sections, with each section having an assigned color. The top of this object will have neon lights that will go with its assigned sections color. Each team will have its own section, which they have to protect from intruding forces. This laser tag arena will change school for the better. Students will strive for better grades, stay out of trouble, and boost the school’s economy. In fall 2015, the laser tag arena will be finished, and the fun will begin.

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New Laser Tag Facilities for Students

New Laser Tag Facilities for Students

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By KACI MOOREThe Valley Tribune The 2016 Summer Olympics held in Rio de Janeiro are sure to be an exciting time for egg enthusiasts around the world! They are bringing the cut throat sport of competitive egg coloring to the Olympics. Each com-petitor will be given half a dozen uncooked eggs and an hour to boil and decorate the eggs. They will supply all materials such as: dye, beads, glitter, cloth materials, and egg holders. This is the first year that egg coloring has been included in the Olympics. With millions annually participating in egg coloring contests around the world, there is sure to be some stiff competition June 2016! The decorators were avid about their goal to get egg dyeing to become a true Olympic sport and started a petition back in 2012 during the last summer olympics held in Lon-don, England. There were over 2.2 million people that hopped on board with it and, after a vote from the Olym-pic board of directors, it was approved and added to the 2016 Olympic program. There are many people around the world that are training to compete. One well known egg decorator that is likely to compete is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, also known to the public as Lady Haha. “I’ve been dyeing eggs since I was a child and have always loved it. The feeling you get from holding the finished product is like no other,” said Lady Haha.When asked whether she was planning on competing, she said that the probability is “very good,” and that she is “training every chance she gets.” Another name to look out for is Nichole Lee, the na-

tional champion of the 2014 egg dyeing contest that was held April 20th in Chicken, Alaska. In a recent interview, she said that she used her monetary winnings from last year’s contest to hire a personal trainer to help coach her in becoming a better egg decorator. Her new talents that have developed in the past year have added to her natural skills are sure to make her a very lethal competitor in Rio. With this being the first year to ever include egg decorating in the Olympics, 2016 will be a bit of a trial year. The public’s reaction to it will determine whether it remains a part of the program or not. It is no secret that many people might currently consider egg decorating to be juvenile and simply an activity for small children dur-ing Easter time, but through the opportunity the Olympics have given the egg community, the chance is finally here for them to show the world how intense it truly is. The amount of skill and disciplined training it takes to be able to compete in this kind of sport is greater than anyone looking in from the outside might ever understand. After the Olympic season of 2016 passes, as long as the world keeps an open mind, I think that their view will definitely change and interest in the art of egg dyeing will start increasing with steady growth. Another interesting fact surrounding the Olympics in Rio is that the medals that are to be given out are said to be various pastel colors, to mimic the design of the classic Easter egg. The new medal design is being used to welcome both athletes and fans alike into the Olym-pic family. They will still be made of gold, bronze, and silver, but will be specially made to reflect pastels such as purple, pink, green, yellow, and soft baby blue.

Continued from Page 1The club will meet at the dilapidated pond between the soccer practice field and the football practice field. They will be asked to retrieve all objects foreign to the pond such as model rockets, grocery buggies, tobacco canisters, and other miscellaneous things. Coach Sammons is an expert in scuba diving because he was raised in the Kingdom of Hawaii, the scuba diving capital of the world. He learned to scuba dive before he learned to walk and his childhood best friend was a manatee named MoMo. Although he has not been officially trained in diving, he says that he probably knows what he’s doing. Sammons also said that his senior trip was to the North Pole (where narwhals are found) and he rode a narwhal across the icy ocean, thus earning him a Bachelor's Degree in Narwhalogy. Joining the scuba diving club would open up a ton of opportunities such as: scholarships, a trip to the North Pole guided by Buddy the Elf, and a certificate to certify that you are an amaetur diver. The club will be led by a monarch, selected yearly, to run all activities. This process to choose a monarch will be determined by a series of tests and physical challenges survivor style. The proctor for the tests will be Janet Diamond, a lifelong scuba fan. All members will receive a $40 T-shirt that is required to be worn every seventh period on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Also, each member will be tested for blubber allergies. Along with the allergy testing, they will be required to have physicals and tetanus shots.The new Scuba Wolves can only be best described by their motto, “There is no 'I' in scuba...or club... just a 'you'.” To join please contact Spring Valley’s Department of Aquatics.

Rio de JeneggoEgg-coloring the newest Olympic sport

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4 By JESSICA HARMONThe Valley TribuneWithin the Spring Valley High School student body are very talented students but, due to course schedules, not all of them have the opportunity to take one of the school’s offered art classes. And, always remember: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Something that one person views as a stick figure, another person appreciates as a masterpiece.

Kaci Moore Joe Wells

Raylen Hall Seth Johnson

Draggon Napier Alexis Giroski

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By EDDIE STAMPERThe Valley Tribune Lori Murray, ahead of many of her competitors, has announced her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election. Many people have not heard about her campaign, and no one knows her stance on the major issues, so I am taking it upon myself to speculate wildly as to what she will run on. One thing's for certain: because she dislikes most people, Murray’s running mate is herself. Refusing to conform to a two-party ideology, Murray is running as an independent. As an independent, she is not held to the standards of party leaders or straight-ticket voters. The general public does not find her easily approachable, but ac-cording to her campaign manager Janet Diamond, “I believe her strong stance on the issues important to the country will win her votes, as will my cane.” While her campaign refuses to disclose any information this early in the race, Murray is obviously a force to be reck-oned with. With opponents such as Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush, she has a strong lead in intelligence. However, it must be hard to fundraise against the Clinton foundation and their secret email deals. How will Murray’s campaign raise the millions of dollars needed to run a presidential race? The Murray campaign has been relying heavily on private donors, including past students (who have went on to become doctors and lawyers) and those who are fed up with the current administration. As a comparison, Jeb Bush is expected to raise $80 million this quarter. So far, Murray has raised $1,579.68. While she is behind in funds, she is ahead in snarky spirit! The first debate for Murray will be early next year, as she intends to build her fan base. One point that will win her many points but make her enemies in the legislature is the fact that she adamantly opposes the implementation of Com-mon Core. As a teacher, Murray has the insight as to how students learn and what works in the classroom, giving her not only a background in education, but also the knowledge of how to deal with whiny Congressmen. On that note, Lori Murray will work to end partisanship in government and work with everyone (as long as they aren’t annoying) to solve the problems that face our country. Many people are skeptical as to how she will juggle the Oval Office and the classroom. Mrs. Murray is a master of multitasking; as she expresses repeatedly, she has three kids at home, yet still manages her work life successfully. Surpris-ingly, Murray does not intend to quit her day job; she will telecommute from Washington, because no one can teach her kids as well as Mrs. Murray! Murray, being the first woman president, would be a beacon of hope for women around the world (sorry Hillary). In her daily life, she works tirelessly to ensure that everyone, regardless of sex, race, and background have a fair chance to suc-ceed, not by working smarter but working harder.

She’s Just Sayin’ She’s Running!Celebrated history teacher announces presidential run

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By ALEXIS GIROSKIThe Valley Tribune Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween and Hanukkah are all examples of what we, humans, cel-ebrate here on earth. With different cultures and religions come different holidays, of which we know very much about. But what do we know of the holidays celebrated outside of our own planet? The answer is: not very much. We don’t know a lot about other galactic cultures because of our distance. However, aliens, as we all know, have advanced technology that allows them to travel to earth. All that we know now of their culture is known to us because of their travels from their planet to ours. And as it turns out, the holidays they celebrate aren’t very much different from ours. We all know and love April Fool’s Day: the day in which everyone has an excuse to be an idiotic jerk to one another. Well, aliens have a holiday very similar to ours, and it’s called Crop Circle Day. On Crop Circle Day, aliens go to Earth and have a laugh after drawing gigantic patterns in human crop fields. We humans, during this time, do not find this very amusing. The random appearances of crop circles in wheat and corn fields cause panic amongst small towns and plantation owners, and can cause panic nationally, or even worldwide. However, humans are like little animals to aliens, and they find it hilarious to see little animals panic and scramble at such a small gesture. Here on Earth, we really enjoy eating a lot, especially us Americans. So as Americans, we like to celebrate a day in which we all get to stuff our faces until we burst; this wonderful day is called Thanksgiving. This celebration, on the aliens’ planet, is called the Beef Patty Digestion Festival. Where we here on earth enjoy eating entire turkeys, aliens enjoy eating entire cows. However, cows cannot be found on their planet, so an annual abduction of cows takes place here on earth. This, obviously, causes some distress amongst dairy farmers. Not only do they lose half of their herd of cattle, but they also might have to follow up and a few years of therapy after seeing their livestock being sucked up into the sky. This isn’t necessarily considered an annual holiday, but it is celebrated amongst many of the aliens, who are of the upper class. Human Observation Day is a day in which the unluckiest of us all become study tools and test subjects for senior college students from outer space. Mostly humans who do get abducted hardly remember being taken into a floating ship, but afterward, they find themselves in pain with various scars over their body. Almost as if they had been operated on under anesthesia. You see, just as teenage humans must learn the anatomy of a frog by tearing a dead one to pieces, aliens must learn the anatomy of a fel-low intelligent race themselves. However, because they do not want to cause a violent riot, they dissect the humans abducted and put them back together safely before returning them to Earth. Aliens are strange and are sometimes referred to as demons, but they are, in most areas, similar to us. Their holidays resemble those that we celebrate here. Because we share the love of annual celebration, we could perhaps one day share a holiday in which both of our species can celebrate on the same day.

Happy Crop Circle Day?Alien holidays you never knew existed

By RAYLEN HALLThe Valley TribuneThe school mascot, Wolfie, has found a girlfriend. She’s a wolf named Wolfette from a school that is hours away. Wolfette is an arctic wolf with spar-kling white fur and gorgeous blue eyes, as Wolfie describes her. They met on an online dating site that was specifically made for school mascots, www.mascotmatch.com. They plan on teaming up for both schools’ sporting events this coming fall and putting on some awesome halftime shows. The pair hope to bring school spirit through the roof this year. I’m sure everyone is wondering why our beloved school mascot decided to get a girlfriend all of the sudden, and, your question has been answered. Wolfie spent hours upon hours and days upon days searching for his perfect match. Then one day, he got a notification from MascotMatch stating that they believed they had found a nearly perfect match for the wolf. As our mascot read through Wolfette’s profile, he could only imagine how great they would be together. He saw that they both enjoy pumping up the crowd at pep assemblies. He also noticed that they both enjoy cheering for their favorite sports. To

Wolfie, they seemed like a match made in heaven, and he had to contact her immediately. I’m sure that everyone is thinking, “Why now? Why did he wait all this time to find the wolf of his dreams?” Wolfie waited because he wanted to focus on his career before he took the plunge into a rela-tionship with a girl. To him, his work is more impor-tant than anything, and he didn’t want anything or, more specifically, anyone to ruin that. He says that cheering on the sports teams at Spring Valley will always be his first love. But, now he has a new love that can only amplify the first. He says it was worth the wait in finding someone, because now he has everything he’s ever wanted in one wolf. Overall, this new power couple is going to be a great addition to our school; they will make fantastic appearances at this fall sports season’s games. They have huge plans for the Wolf Pack that will blow everyone away. Meeting on the dating website was one of the best things that has happened to Wolfie and Wolfette. Wolfie is so glad he met her. He has his career straightened out and, now, has her to help him make it better. The couple is sure to be the talk of the school after their first appearance this fall.

School Mascot Finds His MateWolfie Single No Longer!

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By EDDIE STAMPERThe Valley Tribune On January 31st, Mitt Romney reportedly con-tacted Kanye West, a leading producer in the world of rap. Inside sources say that he hopes of becoming a worldwide rap sensation, in order to connect with the younger crowd. Mitt Romney abruptly vacated the stage of politics after announcing that he would not bid for the Republican nomination in 2016.“Af-ter putting considerable thought into making another run for president, I’ve decided it is best to give other leaders in the Party the opportunity to become our next nominee,” ex-presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced before dropping his microphone and walking offstage. He was destined to move on to bigger and better things. Speculators have been prodding at possible rap names, such as: Mitch Slap, M-Dogg, Big Mitt, Dr. GOP, and PubRom. At the end of February, Kanye’s record label GOOD Music leaked a press release of Romney’s EP, with his name Mitt Money. The record label quickly responded by fixing the leak, but not before those who have a Twitter account were able to see it. Mitt Romney, flustered by the lack of uproar about the leak called E! News. “It is my strong belief that 47% of American citizens will vote, uh, I mean buy my upcoming album ‘White and Rich.’” Famous artists across the country reached out to Romney for requests to be featured on his latest album, and those artists also disclosed their results with us. Nicki Minaj secured a spot on a track named Big Butts, Bigger Money. Taylor Swift will also be

featured on the album on a track dubbed Obama’s Breakup Song. In a ballad-type melody, Ed Sheeran will be featured in Republican House. The album is meant to appeal not only to the young-er citizens, but also those young at heart. Although they are not as well known, many ex-politicians have also had (sometimes failed) careers in the music industry. George W. Bush, for instance, became a country singer after his second term, but never made it past the auditions for American Idol. Sarah Palin has toured with famous female power-houses such as Queen Latifah, Beyoncé, and Madon-na; her stage entrance, riding in on a snowmobile, became critically acclaimed. In the world of politics, a debate or speech can be saved with a musical num-ber, just ask President Obama! The world, although filled with artists, is not ready for Mitt Money. With the determination of a rich, white, Republican male, he will take the rap industry by storm and defy all stereotypes associated with it. Mitt Money’s album “White and Rich” will be in stores May 19th, 2015, just in time to make his hits your summer jams.

Republican Rap Mitt Romney quits politics for a rap careerE

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By BRENNA ADKINSThe Valley TribuneFamous rapper Lil Wayne is going country. Lil Wayne, who was once in a pop group called Hot Boyz, became a solo rapper and has written and recorded many of his own songs. His real name is Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. but he uses Lil Wayne as his stage name. He was born and raised in New Orleans, Louisiana. He joined Cash Money Records at the age of 9 and was the youngest member of the label. He has done many songs with other successful rappers and is a successful rapper himself. But just like Taylor Swift left country music and went to pop, Lil Wayne is leaving rap and going country. Wayne teamed up with popular country singer Toby Keith and made a song together called Country Fried Freedom. They wrote the song so Lil Wayne could show his patriotism. After much consideration Wayne decided that country singing was his calling. He has already talked about some of the songs he is doing and other country artists have agreed to join and help him with some songs. Other rap artists who have done songs with Lil Wayne have been supportive through this. A lot of people don’t think Wayne will be a very good country star but he is ready to start this journey and see where it takes him. If Taylor Swift can do it then so can he! Stay on the lookout for Wayne’s new country album coming out in 2016.

Lil CountryLil Wayne abandons world of rap for country music

By EDDIE STAMPERThe Valley Tribune Some remember the laughable attempt by Barack Obama to fight Ebola by sending 3.000 US military personnel to Africa, but Michelle Obama might have outdone him. Many students unfortunately endure Mi-chelle’s failed school lunch program daily, so to make up for this failure, Michelle Obama is using the mili-tary to fight obesity in the United States of America. This plan has raised very few eyebrows, because the liberal media has failed to report on this atroc-ity, but instead reported on ISIS for the thirty-second straight week. The logistics of Operation Whale Child are extremely confidential (like most aspects of the Obama administration), but being the in-depth reporter that I am, I received intel from my sources within the White House and Pentagon. The basis of OWC is a division of the military’s five armed service branches: Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Marine Corps, and Navy in order to fully cover the dark underbelly of obesity. While this may seem like overkill, Michelle Obama has reportedly said that this is “…necessary for the well-being of our children and the positive publicity of my husband.” Let’s start with the Air Force. You may be asking: “Eddie, how can supersonic jets help with obesity?” Well, I asked that question myself. According to a high ranking General in the Air Force, a large fraction of its fleet will be used to oversee the problem from above, because the problem is easily spotted from a higher vantage point. The Army will be used on the front line of the fat fight. Their experienced soldiers will use deadly force to coerce citizens into ordering healthier

foods and exercising more. In anticipation of starv-ing children escaping the country in search of artery-clogging beef, the Coast Guard is in charge of ensuring that citizens do not defect in light of this awful tragedy being imposed upon their stomachs and palettes. The Marine Corps are overseeing the aquatics sector of exercise, offering synchronized swimming and water Zumba every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Finally, the Navy will assist in covert operations; members of Seal Team Six will put children through six weeks of boot camp training, while brainwashing them to eat more vegetables. Many citizens of the United States do not believe they have any say in the government, but I believe everyone can work to protect the civil liberties of Americans. If you see someone eating a salad or drink-ing a diet soda, dispose of it immediately! The Obama administration believes they can make us eat healthier, but not without our permission! This is America, not Obamanation; this plan, however, is an abomination.

War on Obesity (Literally)

By RAYLEN HALLThe Valley Tribune Brain transplants are now a real thing. Doctors have found a way to successfully take one person’s brain and give it to someone else. Side effects are common and can be highly intense, however many professionals say it’s worth the risk. Getting some-one else’s brain put in to your skull doesn’t come without a consequence, due to it belonging to an-other person you now have to deal with their memo-ries and emotions. Many patients have complained of headaches and nausea but that is to be expected when your skull has been opened and then stapled back together. Also vision loss is fairly common with patients. Due to doctors not being able to correctly connect some nerves back together many patients come out of the procedure blind, but that’s nothing to worry about. The transplant can take a lot of time. Normal range is at or about twenty-four hours. Depending

upon the patient’s condition going into the procedure and their overall health, the surgery can take more or less time. Most patients are in and out fairly quickly considering how extensive the surgery is. Doctors promise to make the surgery go fast, but still take their time to ensure everything goes as planned. Recovery is another long process, but won’t take any more than a few extra days in the hospital. There’s a big possibility that you could feel some of the former owner’s emotions and have their mem-ories. In many cases patients experience memories that they’ve never had and of course that’s because it’s not their brain! Going in to the operation clients must know that when they come out you will not be the same person. Patients will be a whole other person because the brain that contained all of their memories is now gone and replaced with someone else’s who had completely different events happen in their life. Doctors say it’s worth it the end, but that’s for you to decide.

Got Brains?New procedure promises to revolutionize the medical field

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10 By ALEXIS GIROSKIThe Valley Tribune Cat lovers are utterly captivated by their cats’ soft, fluffy features, and giant, sparkly eyes. From nose to tail tip, cats are considered to be one of the most attractive animals on earth. However, all of that cute and cuddliness serves a very deceitful purpose. In 1898, a theory of the true nature of cats was presented to the Institution of Demonology by a religious biologist by the name of Frank K. Stein. The theory was later proven in 1976 by anesthesiologist Oscar Von Burschwitz. The theory is that cats are most likely to be hosts to demonic entities living in the mundane, furry bodies of today’s common housecat. Demons commonly choose this body because of the room within the cat fit for nine lives, or nine souls rather. Once a cat loses its first life, there is room left for one more. The demon senses the void within the cat’s body and moves in to claim its host. You may be wondering: if my cat is host to a demonic entity, why hasn’t he made an attempt at obtaining my soul? The answer is simple- eight is more powerful than one. The cat’s left over eight souls overpower that of the demonic entity’s. But you may notice sudden and unpleas-ant changes in your cat’s attitude. For instance: when petting a cat’s tummy, it quickly turns from a fluffy, bonding experience, to a death trap of fangs and claws. This is because the demonic presence inside your cat is nestled in the lower belly. When disturbed by the tummy rub, the demonic entity springs into defense mode, and forces the cat to clamp down on the offending object. In most cases—your hand. This, among other pleasantries that the feline may bring (hair balls, random head bites, furniture scratches, completely unwounded toilet paper rolls…) is a demon’s attempt to weaken a human’s will. This, because of a human’s willingness to care for a cat, has often proven as an ineffective method of human possession. When the demonic entity realizes its current method isn’t efficacious, it makes attempts to grow stronger within the cat’s body. It does this by urging the cat to explore its curiosities, and disregard its ability to use common sense. This may result in the cat doing questionable, and senseless activities such as:• Annoying dogs much bigger than them• Climbing high trees and getting stuck• Stalking larger animals (bears, geese, livestock…)• Roaming over toilet bowls• Sticking head into empty tissue boxes and getting stuck• Climbing and assaulting unstable Christmas trees If your cat continuously does any of these things he is likely to be possessed. If this is the case, you must never let your cat know you believe he is possessed. This will alert and awaken the demonic presence living inside your cat. Not only will this be a nuisance to you, but it will disrupt the happiness and stability a cat can provide your family with. To keep your cat from causing any grief, you must please him in a way you normally would a cat. Feed, pet, water, love and play with him. If the demon is happy within your cat’s body, it will not try to possess you. Because cat lovers treat felines so well, demonic entities inside cats don’t really have the desire to leave the host. If you are the owner of a possibly demonic kitty, but in no way abuse or ne-glect your feline best friend, you are only at a 0.01% risk of being possessed yourself. So, in order to prevent your own possession, always keep a happy cat.

Demon Cats New theory explains common feline behaviors

Good afternoon students, this is Dr. Cooper. As many of you are aware, NBC news anchor Brian Williams has been suspended for six months due to allegations that he lied about activities he partici-pated in over the course of his career; from being on a helicopter struck by gunfire in the Iraq War to witnessing floating corpses in the French Quarter of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. I am a longtime fan of Brian Williams and always imagined him to succeed Alex Trebek as the next host of Jeop-ardy! So, in an endeavor to discover the truth about Brian Williams, I came upon his autobiography, I Did That, in the clearance aisle of Barnes and Noble. It was curiously labeled “fiction” however I believe this to be a typo. The book chronicles the story of Brian’s extraordinary life, a life I would like to share with you all. Brian Amadeus von Hindenburg Williams III was born in a log cabin in rural Kentucky. Williams and his neighbor Abraham Lincoln were childhood friends for the first few years of his life. He famously saved Abe from drowning in the creek when they were five years old. After serving a brief stint in the Spanish-American War, Williams attended Stanford University and graduated with a degree in journalism and a minor in rap. Williams originally was inspired to go into journalism after being interviewed by the New York Times for saving a litter of puppies during the Great Chicago Fire. Williams soon secured a job as a news correspondent, traveling around the world. After a trip to interview the Shah of Germany, he had a close encounter with death aboard an Atlan-tic passenger ship. “I narrowly escaped the Ti-tanic. It was cold; and I was thinking, ‘holy crap’” quoted Williams. Williams spent three hours float-ing in the water until he was rescued by lifeboats; he reportedly used the whistle from a dead officer to attract their attention. After the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Wil-liams signed on to be a news correspondent in the Vietnam War. He learned to pilot a C-130 helicop-ter and received the Medal of Honor for rescuing seventeen soldiers trapped by enemy fire. “There was fire and explosions everywhere” Williams

said, “We were flying in and trying to help these men who were pinned down by artillery, but there were too many. I told the pilot to make a hard left and I unloaded our machine gun on those Communists. It was terrifying, yet exhilarating. I felt so alive.” He is credited with killing at least 49 Viet Cong soldiers. Williams was present at the shooting of John Lennon and performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. “I knew he was down from the moment he hit the ground, but I just couldn’t give up. I mean, this was a Beatle; A Beatle couldn’t die; This was America.” Williams said. Williams stunned the world when he made it to the top ten in Season Two of American Idol with his cover of “Baby Got Back.” After being eliminated, he gave up his rap ambitions and joined NBC. His anchoring for Nightly News became so popular that Time Magazine named him 2006’s Man of the Year. “It was such a huge honor; I wasn’t expecting anything like this. I hadn’t been that excited since Ronald Reagan attended my birthday party.” Wil-liams said. Williams secretly returned to the military briefly in 2011 to lead the SEAL Team 6 raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. There is dispute over whether or not he was the one to kill bin Laden; nonetheless, he received a Thank-You card from Obama. Today Brian Williams remains one of America’s most beloved news anchors. I firmly believe that he has never lied and have the utmost confidence in his ability to return to NBC four months from now.

The True Life and Times of Brian Williams Autobiography of Shamed Anchor Discovered

A RARE PHOTOGRAPH OF WILLIAMS DURING THE VIETNAM WAR E

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By DRAGGON NAPIERThe Valley Tribune Have you ever thought about how Bo is able to stop a fight in under thirty seconds? I have a theory. In the past, Bo had a golf cart accident in a golf cart which was a lot faster than his current one. The medical field took advantage of his in-juries and asked him if he would like to test out new medical technology that would allow him to replace lost body parts: left ear, fingers, and nose, all of which were replaced. A couple of the body parts replaced in the accident was two of his fingers. These fingers cost several thousands of dollars each and they react just like real fingers. These high tech fingers are surgically connected to his nerves so that he can have control over them just like he had real fingers. Sadly for the students of Spring Valley, there are side effects of having these fingers. His fingers can pick up radio waves that newer cellphones send out when somebody sends a message or makes a call, sending an annoying pain through his body. Bo also lost a lot of his nose in the golf cart accident. The doctors decided to replace most of his nose so he could still smell. The high tech nose can still pick up scents just like real human noses because receptors were surgically connect-ed with his mind. His fake nose was covered with 0.2-mm thick epidermis of firm urethane with countless tiny hex-agonal indentations etched into it giving it the real look of human skin. Now this high tech nose has a unique feature: Bo’s fake nose can pick up cigarette smoke from large dis-tance away. His nose can also pick up the water vapor from electronic cigarettes. When he picks up these scents his nose gets a little itch. Sadly one of the side-effects is when his

nose gets in contact with a large amount of water his brain short circuits and renders him useless for a short amount of time. Bo can use this high tech nose of his to catch any students who are hiding from him while they smoke. Unfortunately, Bo also lost a lot of his left ear in the ac-cident. It was reformed with 0.2-mm thick epidermis of firm urethane with large amounts of tiny hexagonal indenta-tions etched into it. His high tech robotic ear can amplify sound up to five times what normal ears can hear; it is like a very strong hearing aid. He can even tell the difference of students’ voices, pitches, and tone. So he can hear the urge for violence rising in the tone of two students’ voices. This explains how Bo knows when there is a fight going on or is about to start. Bo has many amazing features that make it harder for students to hide their wrongdoings. With his high tech fingers, it make harder for students to text on their phones in school wherever they try to hide but get caught. Bo’s high tech fake nose makes all those students who try to hide in the restrooms to smoke a harder task. Few fights will occur in Spring Valley without Bo knowing about them due to his high tech ears. That is why I think that that Bo Anderson is part robot.

The Bo-Bot Student speculates that Bo is not entirely human

By ALISSA ADKINSThe Valley Tribune When is the best time to wear a striped sweater? It’s all the time! Well, striped sweaters are fun to have and wear. Stripes are big and bold, therefore they make you stand out. Any time you wear a striped sweater is a time to get your funky side out and let the world see it. You will look beauti-ful either way, but more beautiful with your stripes. All dif-ferent colors, styles, and types can make you look absolutely fantastic. I have heard the best time for some people to wear stripes is on Valentines day. Why, you ask? Well, you look attractive for your main man. NO man wants his woman not to wear stripes on their outstanding date night. Dates in striped sweaters are the best dates. You could be attracted to them or or not, but either way it will always be the best time of the year. Turtle neck striped sweaters are Spongebob's favorite kind of sweater. He loves to have stripes all the way up to his ears. One with a collar is the best kind. “Turtle necks are the best.” Quoted Wayne Marcum, 11.

There is honestly not a bad time to put a sweater on a sponge. Sponges are fluffy and the sweater would blend in with them. Spongebob enjoys to wear them all the time, not a certain date, time or year, but everyday all day long! I have never seen someone pull it off as good as that yellow sponge. If Patrick Star tried, it would just not be popular anymore, because that is just disturbing. Some people can be like Squarepants and pull it off, then you have those like Patrick who can not pull them off at all. It just hap-pens in life when people can or cannot pull certain things off. Spongebob always says it’s a great day to be alive in a striped sweater. Where can you find striped sweaters in Bikini Bottom? Mrs. Puff knits sweaters so it’s an almost unending amount. His compassion is intense. I couldn't live in a land that had so many sweaters like he does. So when you think of the best time to wear a stripe sweater, it’s defi-nitely all the time. Don't ever second guess because striped sweaters are the absolute best. The best colors to wear on a stripe sweater are red and blue, the dreamy red and blue too.

The Best Time to Wear a Striped Sweater(All the time, of course...)

nose gets in contact with a large amount of water his brain short circuits and renders him useless for a short amount of time. Bo can use this high tech nose of his to catch any students who are hiding from him while they smoke. Unfortunately, Bo also lost a lot of his left ear in the ac-cident. It was reformed with 0.2-mm thick epidermis of firm urethane with large amounts of tiny hexagonal indenta-tions etched into it. His high tech robotic ear can amplify sound up to five times what normal ears can hear; it is like a very strong hearing aid. He can even tell the difference of students’ voices, pitches, and tone. So he can hear the urge for violence rising in the tone of two students’ voices. This explains how Bo knows when there is a fight going on or is about to start. Bo has many amazing features that make it harder for students to hide their wrongdoings. With his high tech fingers, it make harder for students to text on their phones in school wherever they try to hide but get caught. Bo’s high tech fake nose makes all those students who try to hide in the restrooms to smoke a harder task. Few fights will occur in Spring Valley without Bo knowing about them due to his high tech ears. That is why I think that that Bo Anderson is part robot.

There is honestly not a bad time to put a sweater on a sponge. Sponges are fluffy and the sweater would blend in with them. Spongebob enjoys to wear them all the time, not a certain date, time or year, but everyday all day long! I have never seen someone pull it off as good as that yellow sponge. If Patrick Star tried, it would just not be popular anymore, because that is just disturbing. Some people can be like Squarepants and pull it off, then you have those like Patrick who can not pull them off at all. It just hap-pens in life when people can or cannot pull certain things off. Spongebob always says it’s a great day to be alive in a striped sweater. Where can you find striped sweaters in Bikini Bottom? Mrs. Puff knits sweaters so it’s an almost unending amount. His compassion is intense. I couldn't live in a land that had so many sweaters like he does. So when you think of the best time to wear a stripe sweater, it’s defi-nitely all the time. Don't ever second guess because striped sweaters are the absolute best. The best colors to wear on a stripe sweater are red and blue, the dreamy red and blue too.

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To submit an ad in The Valley Tribune please contact the news-paper advisor at Spring Valley High School at 304-429-7277.

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Cody Straley: Co-Editor-In-Chief

Shelby Bellomy: Co-Editor-In-Chief

Eddie Stamper: Editor-In-Chief-In-Training

Kaci Moore: News Editor

Brenna Adkins: Feature Editor

Draggon Napier: Sports Editor

Alexis Giroski: Opinion Editor

Raylen Hall: Editorial Editor

Jessica Harmon: Community Editor

Alissa Adkins: Health Editor

Image SourcesPresidential Pins: http://www.caterbid.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Presidential-Election-2012.jpgOlympic Logo: http://www.cadblocksfree.com/images/42_Logo%20CAD%20Block_Olympic%20Rings.jpgBrian Williams: http://patdollard.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/brian-williams-lie-iraq-4.jpgBrain Transplant: http://www.oshonews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Male-and-female-brain.jpgScuba Diver: http://mytravellerschoice.com/images/scuba-diving-tour-dubai.jpgChick-fil-a Cow: http://www.frommentokings.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/chik1.jpg Wolf Pack: https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/543145692823580672/LSeTlhtz.jpeg Easter Eggs: http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17ivdgh6i2nxyjpg/original.jpg Michelle Obama: http://a57.foxnews.com/global.fncstatic.com/static/managed/img/fn-latino/health/0/0/flotus%20lets%20move.jpgCat 1: https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/36/77753317_65cec15fb1.jpgCat 2: https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3335/3275314154_87a3c7b258.jpgSpongebob Striped Sweater: http://24.media.tumblr.com/35dae5f9f533f96ce09e2c56935613a9/tumblr_mhmvabO2R-P1qmt85zo2_1280.png

Additional Photos created with Adobe Photoshop

Please NoteThis is an April Fools Day Issue. All events, activities, and behaviors de-picted in this publication are completely or mostly false. Bo is not selling

his golf cart.