Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 64

“Please find my owner!” Heartbroken cat begs owner to come home.

A cat has pleaded for the safe return of his owner after he went missing for a

second time. Heartbroken Herman, a year old Asian semi-long hair, told The

Wind Farm, “I’m concerned for his safety. He went missing a few weeks back

and was found by a neighbour in her tree. Heaven knows where he is this

time. I just want him back”.

Herman’s owner, Eric Williams of Wynn Road,

Tankerton is believed to be living off scraps of

food the occasional saucer of milk, probably left

out by the elderly. Herman said, “I appreciate

their kindness, but my owner belongs here, not

curled up under a shed somewhere. He has a

history of believing he’s a cat, ever since he

returned from Afghanistan”.

Herman (Left) is being looked after by neighbours,

who regularly pop round with some cat food and

cream and are urging Williams to come home.

“If you’re out there and you’re reading this, please come home. You’re not a

cat. You’re a silly little man that thinks he’s one and you’re getting on our

fucking nerves quite frankly”.

The Savoy pub to have 70s makeover.

Starsky and Hutch style snooker rooms to replace modern look.

The popular Savoy snooker rooms in Beach Walk are to get an ‘atmospheric’ makeover soon

in order to attract a lower class of drinker. The Savoy, a favourite pub amongst football fans

and pool players, has drafted in Laurence Lewellyn-Bowen to oversee the transformation

and work is to begin after the Euro 2012 tournament has finished, and landlord Craig ‘Huggy

Bear’ Wilson is looking forward to it.

“I was watching pimp my car on channel 5 one night, when I decided that I’d like to pimp my

pub in order to attract a bit of colour in. The Savoy can be a dull old place at times, and it

needs livening up”.

Wilson’s plans include:

Dimming the lights so only the pool tables are visible

Lifting the smoking ban in order to re-create a 70s style smoky ambience

Introducing a dress code that includes the wearing of wide brim hats, body length fur

coats and platform shoes.

Never cleaning the toilets

Replacing the music on the jukebox with 70s style disco / funk, often with long and

fuzzy guitar solos.

Leaving open the rear door so that villains can run straight through the pub and into

the alley behind when being chased by detectives or pimps.

“I think it’s just what Whitstable needs”, Wilson smiled, “The town’s gone a bit genteel for

my liking, and I want to see a few more drug dealers being whacked across the back of the

head with a pool cue by other drinkers occasionally and roughed up by police during a

random raid. This is a snooker pub after all”.

The Savoy is also advertising a vacancy for its very own police informant, or ‘stool pigeon’

whose duties will include sitting at the bar all day drinking warm lager and nodding at the

drug dealers whenever the police bust in.

Ask Sweary

YOUR questions answered by a

Seagull.

Dear Sweary

I have a model train set, and my dad

recently removed all the trees from the

trackside, saying that in real life, they

would cause the track to become

unstable. Is this true.

P. Burrows, (Aged 8), London

Sweary Says - That’s the biggest load of

bollocks I’ve heard in ages, son. Removing

trees is a lot quicker and cheaper than

actually maintaining the track. I used to

have a model railway in my cellar, and

sometimes the track would get a bit rusty.

Get your ol’ man to buy some wire wool

and rub that on the tracks to remove any

rust. And tell him to stop being such a

knobber whilst you’re at it.

Dear Sweary – Mummy and Daddy left me

in the pub earlier. If you see them, could

you tell them to come back and get me?

N. Cameron, (Aged 8) some posh pub in

Buckighamshire

Sweary Says - Count your blessings

darling. With any luck the social services

will take you into care and you’ll be rid of

them. Is it true that your mummy smacked

one of your housekeepers? That’s what I

heard.....

Dear Sweary – Where can I buy a cheap

gun? I heard that my fiancee has been

sleeping around and I just want to go and

shoot her lovers now.

Leandro Penna, London

Sweary Says – Mate. I’d be more

concerned about how you’re going to pay

for all the fucking bullets you’ll need!

Meeeeeh! Meh!!

Star Letter!

Dear Sweary - I met my girlfriend through Facebook after stalking her for several months. Do you think it’s

time I told her the truth? Will it put her off me or will she feel flattered by the attention? What should I do? –

J. Cooper, Donington

Sweary Says – Fuck it. Tell her the truth mate. Let’s face it. These romances that begin on Facebook always

start with checking out their profile as soon as you become friends. Then comes the inevitable ‘Like’ on one of

her photos, just to let her know that you’re interested. Then you ‘Like’ every music post she puts up as well as

every status update. And then come the pokes....Facebook, my friend, is the acceptable face of stalking. Gone

are the days when you had to go to the pub to chat some bird up. These days, it’s like looking through a

fucking Argos catalogue. The world’s gone soft, I tells ya. Yeah mate, tell her. And then show her the folder

containing all the photos you lifted from her profile. Creep.

“Go Home, DFLs!!” Local businesses fury as Londoners spend thousands in their shops.

Temperatures and tempers in East Kent reached boiling point this recently, as thousands of

DFLs descended on Whitstable and flooded the local economy with their money. Furious

shop keepers and pub landlords were forced to take thousands as the narrow streets filled

up with day trippers taking advantage of the good weather.

Arthur McCarther of The Fictional Arms in Harbour Street said, “I hate these jumped up

spivs that appear from nowhere the minute the fucking sun comes out. I had to take my

money home twice on Sunday, as there was so much of it”.

Cafe owner Bob Heron, of Oxford Street said, “I hate them. Coming over here and paying for

my holiday in Marbella. Who the hell do they think they are? Coming here and boosting the

local economy”.

At the nearby Oyster Store, owner Nigel Greene said, “I’ve had it with these bastards

clogging up the beach and making us run out of beer. And Oysters, which we sell”.

“It’s the same every bloody year”, said Bob Chambers who runs a little toy shop where you

can buy kids clothes starting at £15.00 for a hat, “We have a nice quiet Winter where the

town dies and we take naff all, then as soon as the sun’s out, these grockles are buying stuff

hand over fist. Thanks to them and their funny London ways, I may be able to afford that

new merc I was looking at”.

Ice Cream van to play Slipknot An Ice Cream van owner has won the right to play Slipknot over his speakers. Luigi Cornetto

challenged a ruling recently which limited the duration of ice cream van jingles – and won.

Speaking from his pitch in the harbour, Cornetto told The Wind Farm, “Some stupid MP wanted to

half the time we could play a jingle over our speakers from 15 to 7 seconds, after complaints from

the noise abatement office. I challenged it, and then requested that I could play Slipknot over my

speakers, as they’re my favourite band”.

Early trials have proved unsuccessful, however, with children running into their homes whenever

Cornetto drives up their road, but he remains determined. “I’m trying to educate kids as well as

sell them Ice Cream. If I can stop one kid from listening to JLS and turn them on to death metal, I

will consider my day to have been successful”.

Concerned mum Mandy Wright of Walmer Road said, “Perhaps he should play something like

Pixie Lott instead. My kids were shitting themselves”.

“That was NOT Julian Brassiere in the

Gorilla outfit”

Howlett’s zoo Gorilla speaks out.

A Gorilla from Howletts Zoo has furiously spoken out about Julian Brassiere’s

claim that it was him wearing a Gorilla outfit at a recent protest.

Bong-Bong, a 15 year old Silverback, spoke out after seeing pictures of himself

in the papers, as well as last week’s article in The Wind Farm in which Brassiere

claimed he dressed up for the protest. “It’s total nonsense”, he told us from a

swinging tyre at Howlett’s, “It was me all along. Everybody just assumed that it

was someone dressed up as a Gorilla. It didn’t occur to anyone that it was a

real one”.

Bong-Bong claims that he travelled to Whitstable after reading about Network

Rail’s plans to clear a railway embankment of trees. “I had to get involved, for

the sake of tree dwelling creatures everywhere. I just hope my presence

helped to highlight the issue, and it was a genuine pleasure meeting Julie

Wassmer – she’s a legend”.

When asked how he travelled

from Bekesbourne to Whitstable,

Bong-Bong claimed that he

caught the bus. “What’s so

unusual about that? Trust me,

when a 20 stone Silverback

wants to travel on a bus, the

driver doesn’t question you and I

sit wherever the hell I please”, he

said.

Bong-Bong and Wassmer “She’s a Legend”

Bong-Bong’s keeper said, “Yes, he did go missing for a few days last week, but

what can you do? He often goes to raves in the woods”.

....’Ere. Guess who came in The Pearson’s the

other day?

No, not Fay Ripley.....Leo Sayer’s wife.

Hysterical, she was. Crying. Reckons that Leo

Sayer got snatched by a bunch of Seagulls out

on the beach. Probably Sweary and his mates.

Only came down for a day, like. Wanted some

Oysters and an Ice Cream after finishing his new album. Reckons she popped into the Oyster Stores

to get a couple of pints of Oyster stout, and when she came back, he was gone. Feathers and curly

hair everywhere, she reckons. No-one saw anything.....or so they reckon. I say they did see it, but

kept quiet because no-one likes him. Agressive little bloke they say. Small person syndrome, like

Hitler. I heard he walked in The Pearsons and got a bit aggy with the barman because the bar stools

were too high, couldn’t climb up....had to get his missus to lift him on to the stool and some bloke

laughed at him. Reckoned Sayer offered him outside and then wanted the restuarant closed off so

he could eat in private. Bit up himself ever since Big Brother.....anyway, she’s reported it to the

police and they reckon they can’t do anything about it. No witnesses. Just feathers and curly hair,

don’t prove anything. I don’t think it was Sweary anyway....Sayer’s not his style.

Locals and Tourists to be segregated

on Neptune Beach.

Canterbury Council have revealed plans to segregate local drinkers and DFLs sitting outside The Neptune. The plans follow complaints from die hard locals that the best spots are being taken up by people who don't even know that Peter Cushing used to live here. "It's worse than the Germans taking all the best deck chairs", local drinker Simon Cowell told us, "I came down here last Saturday at 5pm and went outside to sit at my bench, and it was over-run by Londoners. It's just wrong that my favourite spot was stolen by people who don't even know the landlords by their first names". Another local told us how a group of drinkers from Thetford were giving him 'funny looks' when he sat on the edge of their bench. "There was a space on their bench and I sat down with them as there was nowhere else to sit. None of them spoke to me and they kept giving me funny looks. It was very uncomfortable. I've been drinking in the Neppy since I was old enough and they should've given up the entire bench to me".

There were also complaints following a queue at the bar for drinks. Another local, 'Mick', told us, "I was waiting at the bar to be served and there were a couple of DFLs leaning against it having a chat about the Olympic stadium. They'd been served already but were taking up space where I could've been standing, waving my tenner. I had to move around the corner where it's darker and harder for the bar staff to see you", he complained.

Micks proposal to allow locals to zap bar-hoggers with a cattle-prod have been dismissed by the council, however. A spokesman said, "We understand Mick's concerns. Bar Hoggers, especially from out of town, are a problem but paralyzing them is not the answer. The only sensible solution is to segregate tourists and locals but the decision ultimately lay with the family that own the beach".

Whitstable beach is actually owned by a local business family who bought it off the Queen for a fiver in 1968 and a spokesman for the family told us, "We are aware of the problem and are looking at the council's plans. We may position the

tourists at the back of The Neptune, where there's more of a draft and may also build Big Ben Tower out of Pebbles so they feel at home". A local regular, known only as 'Satch', said "I'll kick the shit out of any fucking DFL bar hogger".