MY PERSONAL MEMORIES OF 50

GLORIOUS YEARS OF

"THE WIND FARM"

by Haley Stark aged 83

7th August 1962, a date I remember with both pride and extreme violence.Pride because it was the day the first ever edition of The Wind Farm hit the streets of shame,and Extreme Violence as it was the day I gave birth to my apology for a son, Jon Fat Beast. Back then,Sweary Seagull was just a puppy,eaglets as they were called in the old days, when TV sets were made out of walnuts and weighed just short of a ton (in metric,two tons). I watched England beat the Nazis in the 1966 World Cup Final with a hattrick from Douglas Hurd,"They think its all over,its not yet" the famous Kenneth Barret-Homes quote.The street lamps hissed gas and the Whitstable omnibus service ran as far as Lenningrad, fueled by powdered eggs. Frozen Chicken Nugget Lolipops, (Known back in the day as "Poultrysickles) gave us constant food poisoning,but you had to watch the ha`pennys back then, what with Hitler and his lot. I remember as a child sheltering in Cromer tube station whilst the Allied Bombs rained down on Deal. Happy Days indeed. The first 30 or so issues of THE WIND FARM were only sadly read by its editor, Samson Peypys, as the internet was still just a twinkle in inventor Jeanette Krankies eye. But issue 23,published in black and white to save steel for the war effort, covered the first All Nude Hunstanton Unicorn Cull,total carnage,the bay was awash with blood and entrails. You rarely see young people having so much fun as what they did back then. A bucket, a spade and a huge scythe were all we had to amuse ourselves at the seaside back then. Issue 32 covered the day Rolf Edmunds bought the BBCs flagship childrens show "Multicoloured Shit Swap" to Whitstable, eighteen inches of grey snow and that Keith Chegwyn Chegger played pop in a mankini. I swapped a large bin liner full of heroin I found washed up on the beach, for a Timothy White knee steriliser and a special Royal Wedding edition of Cluedo. Little Jimmy Clitheroe turned on the Lowerstoft Christmas lights,Charlie Chaplin crashed a Sopwith Camel into the Big Dipper at Great Yarmouth and the entire Whitstabe Pilchard fleet spotaniously combusted during the Coronation of King Elizabeth the Fat. Nowadays THE WIND FARM goes from strength to strength with is unsubtle wit and lavatorial sexual innuendo but back then it was just a compendium of farm machinery adverts the size of the Argos catalogue. What with its ground- breaking coverage of the Oyster Festival debarcle of 1977,and its unfounded support of the Lace Workers strike in Honiton,The Wind Farm won the coverted "Retail Specialist Magazine of the Year",East Anglia section. It will never reach those heights again, as lets face it, its had its best years, but lets hope for another 50 years of The Wind Farm,where no doubt, production offices will be on the moon,what with Whitstable being underwater by then. Lets drink a

bucket of Snakebite to all who sail in her. Where am i ? Where`s my fucking medication ? Oh my poor eyes.I`m 83 you know. x HALEY STARK(Mrs) Aged 83

The Wind Farm 50th

Issue Special!

Suicide theory as Christian Centre for Peace burns down.

Shoemaker's arrival in same street may've prompted shop to self- destruct.

Fire crews were left baffled this week after failing to trace the seat of the fire at 'The God Shop' in Folkestone. The shop, popular with Christians and athiest shoplifters, was gutted after a fire broke out shortly after 1pm last Thursday. A subsequent investigation into the fire has failed to yield any successful theory to its origin, but a nearby eatery has offered a plausible explanation.

The Diablo Delicatesan in Sandgate, told us "I heard it on the grapevine that the CCP burnt itself down when they heard that Claire Hemmings was moving into the old High Street. She makes these spectacular shoes, see? The CCP's main source of income is sandals, like the type that Jesus wore. Well, who's gonna buy them when you can buy Hemmings' shoes? I reckon it was an insurance scam, to be honest".

Hemmings, 33, told The Wind Farm, "I am just trying to make a living, creating shoes that the Virgin Mary would been proud to wear, if I have a pair in her size". When asked if she felt at all responsible for the CCP burning itself down, the attractive brunette said, "No, not at all.

There are plenty of other places that sell sandals, and they haven't burnt themselves down. It's ridiculous behaviour".

This is not the first case of Retailicide, as it's becoming known. Just last year, a family run pizza bar in Margate was found drowned off the coast after a Pizza Hut opened in town, and a tyre garage in Hersden hung itself after a Kwikfit opened in Sturry Road. Christian bookshop 'Bibles 'R' Us', said "It's very sad that the CCP took it's own life. But shops have feelings, too". The Virgin Mary was unavailable to comment, but theologians believe she was a size 5.

Nine year old girl solves car alarm mystery.

Possible peace prize presented to precocious Penny Pappington

A nine year old girl from Seasalter may be in line for a coveted Nobel Peace Prize after offering a solution to what causes car alarms to go off at night.

Penny Pappington, of Lucerne Drive in Seasalter, sent a letter to scientists working on the hadron collider in Switzerland, offering an explanation for the phenomena that has baffled scientists for years. Speaking from her garden, Penny told The Wind Farm, "I read an article in the New Scientist magazine when I was in the dentists last week. I was having a tooth out as I'd eaten too many sweets....anyway, these scientists were trying to figure out why car alarms always go off at night, just as people went to bed. Maybe I'd had too much fizzy pop that night, but I came up with the answer".

And it was the answer that had elluded some of the best thinkers in Switzerland, as Professor Hans Schnitzengruber explained, "We were having a tea break here at the collider, and the mail boy bought in a letter addressed to us. It was from a little girl in Seasalter and she offered an explanation about the car alarm, that question that even Einstein couldn't solve".

Schnitzengruber explained that the letter put forward the theory that the collective shock wave of thousands of heads hitting the pillow at around 11pm each night was enough to activate car alarms in surrounding streets - and few scientists have doubted this theory. An experiment was quickly carried out in Zurich where 300 residents were asked to go to bed at precisely 11pm on Tuesday night. "Sure enough, at 11pm, several car alarms went off at the exact same moment as resident's heads hitting their pillows. And several pigeons exploded, but other than that, the experiment went smoothly". Penny was immediately nominated for the coveted Nobel Peace Prize but remains modest about her achievement, "I'd prefer some sweets instead, or a new iTouch", she said.

A Pillow, yesterday

According to Eugene Flake of the University of West Tankerton, the prevalence of head-pillow confluence in the triggering of car alarms -and related phenomena - is more common that is realised. He explained: "Car alarms are the tip of the iceberg. If you recall, the south eastern region of the UK suffered a minor earthquake at Christmas time a few years back. What nobody remarked upon at the time was that the quake occurred at what is agreed by experts to be bedtime for the urban poor of New Delhi. Just yesterday lunchtime I heard somebody complaining that their windows were rattling because of the mutions testing at Shoeburyness. It wasn't that at all - rather, noon is when Whitstable's creative types decide they need

a proper rest following minutes devoted to writing some crap sitcom or other, and climb the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, so to speak. I find it highly ironic that they then moan about car alrams going off and disturbing their sleep, utterly oblivious that it's been caused either by them or some preening ponce, just like them."

W.I? W-I-Didn’t!

In news that will shock most upstanding citizens, members of Whitstable’s WI were accused earlier today of stealing knitting patterns from neighbouring clubs. Fran Zeepan, 95, (Folkestone WI) contacted the Wind Farm to ‘complain in the strongest terms’ about what she termed ‘pattern plagiarism’, a veritable crime in WI circles.

Mrs Zeepan, 82, penned a strongly-worded letter in which she accuses several well-known Whitstable faces of stealing patterns for tea cosies, baby bootees and surprisingly, a crocheted map of the Thanet Way. The names cannot be re-printed owing to libel laws but no one was available to comment at The Old Neptune or the Duke of Cumberland to issue a denial even though we could see both Becky and Annie crocheting at the windows of both establishments. Said Mrs Hemmings, “ If I catch either of those bitches in the street, I will pop a cap in their asses”.

In other news, Whitstable WI is delighted to confirm that new tea cosies, baby bootees and crocheted maps of the Thanet Way are available to buy along with the usual jams from The Old Neptune and The Duke of Cumberland.

Report By Michelle Deedigan

Mind Your B's and Q's....

Whitstable gardener Roger Uphill was back home today after being arrested following a skirmish outside B&Q. Arresting officer, PC L O'Elloh, said he attended a disturbance at the store and discovered Mr Uphill sitting astride a staff member, belaying him with a roll of chicken wire. During the arrest, Mr Uphill sustained severe bruising after attacking Constable O'Elloh’s elbow with his right eye.

Mr Uphill was unavailable for comment at his home tonight, but neighbour Alice Upferitt said that we know her, not one for gossip and minding other people’s business but she was checking the fence for woodworm the other day and overheard Mrs Uphill complaining about her husband spilling his seed on her clean bed linen, and that he may have been shopping for a suitable garden building in which to pursue his hobby.

This is supported by evidence from an eyewitness at the store who reported hearing raised voices and Mr Uphill complaining to the Manager that an assistant in the Outbuildings Department had told him if he didn’t want to pay so much he could put it up himself, after which “there was a bit of a ruck and it was like something off of out of that Monty Python’s”.

Some chicken wire “Bit of a ruck” The employee who was assaulted, 18 year old Juan Kerr, said he had no hard feelings but thought that may be due to the kick in the nuts he got off the “silly old twat who berrer watch ‘is back if ‘e knows woss good fer ‘im, know wot I mean, Geeza”, adding, “Innit?”and did our reporter want a five year extended warranty on that for an extra ten thousand pounds if he signs by five o’clock tonight. Some bloke who was walking past said, “’Ere. That bloke should go an’ ‘ave a word wiv my Uncle Stan” Apparently Uncle Stan worked at Longbridge throughout his career before being made redundant in 2005 and would therefore be eminently qualified to help Mr Uphill having, as he does, almost forty years’ experience of building sheds. By Northern Correspondent Andy Sanson

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb18) Can a single planets gradual move into a new position completely change your life within days? Of course it can’t. Don’t be so gormless.

PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19) If today is your birthday, it turns out that you’re NOT a Libran after all.

ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18) Today you discover that you have an uncanny ability to talk to the animals. You immediately tell next doors cat to go and fuck itself.

TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 19) You will decide to visit Mecca on a quest for spiritual enlightenment. You don’t find it. However, you do win £9.37 for a line and you’ll be sweating on number 58 for the jackpot.

GEMINI (MAY 20-JUNE 19) At long last, you come into some money. This leads to you being barred for life from Asda after being caught knocking one out into the till.

CANCER (JUN 20-JUL 21) Your luck is so bad that you decide to hit the bottle. This causes the bottle to break and cut your finger open. . LEO (JUL 22-AUG 21) You always think that the grass is greener on the other side. To be sure of this, you need to go to a séance. Or B & Q.

VIRGO (AUG 22-SEP21) A visit to your doctor to tell him that you have loose stools is not very helpful as he advises you to ‘nail them to the kitchen table’.

LIBRA (SEP 22-AUG 22) Your birthday is in the autumn and this can be clearly seen by your habit of sitting in trees and dropping on people.

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 20) All your dreams will come true and you will be happy for the rest of your days. Unless these tea leaves are wrong. In which case, put money on a horse with a ‘B’ in its name. Or an ‘8’.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 21-DEC 20) Mars and Galaxy are now in conjunction with your ruling planet ‘CurlyWurly’ and I see blackness in the future for you. Just empty blackness. No, hang on, I’ve still got the telescope lens cover on.

A Shot In The Dark

YOUR star signs with Mystic Mal

Funckshen

Witchtable! Whitstable home to more witches than anywhere else in the UK -

including Droitwich.

If you draw lines between Andy Capon’s house, The Albert, The Toothpaste well on West Beach, the Whitstable Rec and the Demelza Charity Shop, (where Sweary scored a particularly memorable hit on actress Angharad Rees), you will find you have an almost perfect pentangle. To residents of Whitstable this may come as no surprise as the North East Kent seaside town is the spookiest part of England, despite counter claims from Droitwitch and Whitby. The tourist office will tell you that the name Whitstable originates from Witenstaple meaning “the meeting place of the white post”…which is quite frankly bollocks…it is a meeting place, alright, but of witches the name comes from “Witches’ table”.

The pagan roots of the town have been glossed over, not wishing to disrupt either the tourist or oyster businesses. But they can still be witnessed in the maypole dance of local children overlooking the sea by Whitstable Castle. There is also the annual Jack-in-the-Green parade, with traditional English dancing throughout the town. Pianist Jools Holland wrote a track called "Jack O The Green" in conjunction with Suggs of Madness after Suggs witnessed the ceremony in Whitstable. Suggs has a beach hut at Whitstable. The Tudor Tea Rooms are thought to be on the site of the original witches coven. Buzz 4 Wool in Oxford Street is claimed to be the site of their broomstick park. A shaky handheld video featuring heavy breathing labelled the Whitstable Blair Witch Product, consulted in researching the story, was actually found to be Whitstable Amateur Wives and not spooky at all, though I will need to hang on to it for the purpose of futher research. Rather tenuously connected to this story is the mystery of that pissed bloke from the Albert, which may soon be resolved, a psychic has told a wife whose husband vanished after a night out with pals 12 years ago, that he is alive and possibly living in Whitstable. The last sighting was on a grainy CCTV image near a nightclub, but he failed to return to a caravan the couple owned in Ingoldmells near Skegness. Although still officially classed as a missing person, police have told Sue they believe he went for a late-night swim off the coast and probably drowned. Sue never believed he had died. By Tbilisi Correspondent Jim Holroyd

Mermaid of Doom?

Strange goings on down on Folkestone's Sunny Sands where the not-

really- a- mermaid statue, legacy of the 2011 Triennial continues to

confound locals.

"Mermaid, my fuckin arse!" declared local resident, Noah Likey, during

a recent visit to the beach with his 11 children, some of whom were

trying to prise the bronze statue from her stony seat with swords and a

crowbar. "Where's its fucking tail then?"

The lack of a tail on the Folkestone not-really-a-mermaid is far from

the most troubling rumour flying around the harbour area. The statue

has been the subject of speculation of a more sinister kind in recent

weeks, with some locals too scared to

even look at it.

"Gives me the bleedin' willies" said

fishwife, Nora Shuddering. "Only

last week some DFLs was on the sands,

taking pictures with their fancy

cameras an' that. There one minute -

next, gone. I swear down. Just

like bleedin' Methuselah. Or summat"

Mermaids. With Tails.

The cause of much consternation since it was installed last year, the

Folkestone not-really-a-mermaid has been subjected to vandalism on a

regular basis, being dressed as various unsavoury characters, including

Father Christmas. General feeling is that it has somehow been

possessed, and is now perched at the edge of the beach, just waiting

for the next victim - and with the Summer season approaching,

widespread panic is expected. Locals and visitors are warned to be on

their guard and to avoid eye contact. Or looking directly at the bronze

eye sockets in any case.

By Folkestone Correspondent Allison Esson

The Diary of Discarded Barbie

Wowee 50th issue eh? I’m just so glad that me and my blank bits have been able to get involved. I’ve had such a lovely week Barbalings! Been spending some time in the park enjoying the first of the spring sunshine. I’m feeling quite springy, thinking about which Easter eggs to appear on this year and getting ready to Sky-plus Lambwatch or whatever it’s called. Lambwatch? Lambing Live or summink? Come Lamb With Me? I dunno. Did you know that it’s March already? Yes, really. It is March. I know it’s hard to believe, but it is honestly March already. I’ve been stuck in this inane conversation loop a few times this week and it’s like, how many times can people talk about how

they can’t believe what the date is? Like, OMG it’s December already!! Oh my goodness, it’s February already what happened to January. Blah blah blah. Just go and get an effing calendar, then perhaps it’ll stop sneaking up on you. Twats!

Well sweethearts, keep spreading the wind. Happy 50th issue Sweary, you filthy little foulmouthed c’yuuuuunt!, Mwah, mwaaah, mwaaah!

Contributors:

Allison Esson, Roy Broughton, Andy Sanson, Abigail Obourne,

Jim Holroyd, Haley Stark, Chris Blunkell and Michelle Deedigan