THE

ZEEN

AUG 2013

THIS ISSUE IS DEDICATED TO: OUR PAST SELVES

EDITOR IN BEEF STEPHANIE “SWANG” WANG (F)ART DIRECTOR MAGGIE “MAZZGIE” ZHENG

CONTRIBUTORSANGELA “ANGEEYAM” YAMCAMBRIA “CLOO” LOOSEISHAN “RADISH” TIWARY

ARAVIND MUTHAFUCKIN VADALICAROLINE “ABE” HOU

A DISGRUNTLED MATT DAMON FANANARCHYNOBODYA1 THE AISHAKIRA

SPECIAL THANKS TO:LIZ ANDERSON

NATALIE DELGADOCAMBRIA LOOSE

ADAM HUBERELLIOTT KASADATE

JENNA THE GENETICISTFREEDOM OF SPEECH

The ZEEN would like to thank our sponsors. If you or someone you know would like to sponsor us with advertisement space in the ZEEN, please contact us.

This is a work containing fiction and non-fiction elements. Any and all recognizable names, businesses, events, incidents, locales, or persons, living or dead, fiction or factual, may or may not be coincidental; however, any intentional resemblances are only loosely based on reality and are intended to be humorous, not offensive.

The ZEEN is a product of The Grapes of Math, Inc. Copyright © 2013 by Maggie Zheng and Stephanie Wang.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, we do not care. Please do not contact us at our offices at ∞ Imagination Street, Heaven, Earth.

THEZEEN...So good it will hurt your spleen...

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THECONTENTS

PERSON OF THE MONTH

ASK ABE

THE CRITICS

7

9

10

...Screw it. Flip the page and find out for yourself…

xf

Looking to get fit?

Hire Cambria Loose as your personal trainer

THE PRICE: YOUR SOUL

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Liz AndersonTHE SASS MASTERBy SHAKIRA

PERSON MONTHOF THE

Liz Anderson may not be able to properly insert a straw into a Capri Sun or wake up in time for early-morning bike rides, but that doesn’t matter because she likes The ZEEN. And in our book, anyone who likes The ZEEN deserves Person of the Month.

With a host of talents like MAKING PEOPLE OUT OF TAPE, Liz is a creative fireball that cannot be tamed. Just look at her hair. That mane is in a league of its own.

More importantly, Liz is an excellent friend. She always helps out people in

need– whether you need a ride or sage advice. (Or both, at the same. ) Always concerned with the well-being of others, Liz will drive out of her way (while fighting her own personal battle against the flu) to rescue her friends from... themselves.

There aren’t many people in the world like Liz. She once sacrificed an afternoon entertaining unwanted stalkers (us), and even kindly offer her therapist sofa up. To us, she is Person of the Month every month.

We at the ZEEN are lucky to know her.

“Childhood failed me.”

∞

ASKABE A BRO TO ALL

Dear aBROham,

How do I achieve a balance between finger-licking good and eating my own hand?

From,Hannibal

Dear Hannibal,

You don’t. There’s nothing wrong with eating your own hand. We live in a free country, thanks to me.

aBROham

Dear aBROham,

How do I make friends?

Sincerely,A Lonely Soul

Dear Lonely Soul,

Just do you and pretend you've known someone forever even if you just met them. If that fails, then just accept you were destined to die alone.

aBROham

Dear aBROham,

How do I stop the voices in my head?

From,Overly Crowded Party

Dear Sad,

Talk to them like civilized people. If that doesn’t work, then shove them all in a closet in the back of your mind that will hopefully lead to Narnia.

aBROham

Dear aBROham,

Why can't I control the fate of the universe?

Sincerely,Righteous duuuude

Dear righteous duuuude,

Because only I can.

aBROham!

When we see the leaves fall off the trees onto the ground, we are reminded of that pesky fella, Time. He's a-creepin' on you. Before you know it, you'll be like those leaves. Dead on the ground. Actually, before you know it, you’ll be like us, watching deadlines come and go with STILL NO ZEEN. You’ll be worse than a fiesta of rotting flesh; you’ll be a sad, late fiesta of rotting flesh. So let’s celebrate our youth before we’re old farts forgotten in the wind.

However, if you choose to live in the now, now is the time to read this

wonderful, spleen-busting magazine. For our much-anticipated second issue, the ZEEN honors our childhood by attempting to answer the question we wondered as children and still wonder now– how can we be as cool as Natalie Delgado? (That, and some other stuff.)

In the holiday spirit of giving (Easter? Memorial Day?)–The ZEEN is a perfect gift for EVERYONE. And as out gift, we'll give you this advice: be a kid.

After all, #yolo. (Haha. No.)

Fiesta of FestivitiesNostalgia and Nasal AllergiesBY NOBODY

THECRITICSJUDGEMENTS.

Elections: NAY

West Nile Virus: NAY

Bronchitis: NAY

Cocorosie: YAY

Progress: NAY ∞

In this straightforward, generic, Marxist-with-a-dash-of-racism story, viewers get to enjoy an action packed hour and forty-five minutes where everyone, including a stylin’ Jodie Foster, wants a piece of Matt Damon.

Damon plays Max DeCosta despite his non-Hispanic background– strike one for Elysium. Damon's character is extremely unlucky. Though he attempts to change from his old criminal habits to become a law-abiding non-citizen (all earth-bound poverty-stricken persons are not citizens of Elysium, the land of the rich and healthy), his job leads him into a fatal situation. Dying from radiation, Damon turns to major crook Spider for a ticket to Elysium. Damon takes on a dangerous job and a new robot body, only for his plans to spectacularly fail. The dangerous job ends up placing Damon as a key

player in a coup d'état that Foster's character planned. After more unfortunate events, Damon's friend/unrequited love, Frey, and Frey's daughter, are forced into the plot. Several people try to attack Damon, many people die, and the majority of characters can't seem to understand that their demands are unreasonable (*coughFREYcough* Strike two for Elysium). The film's demise ultimately comes with the anticlimactic death of Matt Damon's character. Strike three for Elysium! Get out of here.

Do moviemakers not remember how hard they worked to save his ass in Saving Private Ryan?!

Elysium—The Anti-HeavenBY A DISGRUNTLED MATT DAMON FAN

MO

VIES

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Mexquite, Let’s Eat!BY CLOO

I have never had a bad meal or a bad experience at this establishment. The prices average and range from $10-20 per person. The staff and restaurant are always friendly and cleanly. I will be highlighting two dishes I frequently order at Mexquite.

Mexquite serves some of the best chips and salsa. Their salsa has the perfect balance with its not-to-spicy kick and its divine texture. The chips are warmed ever-so-slightly and are always fresh. Sadly, Mexquite does charge for an additional basket of chips, so keep this in mind as you scarf down these delicious chips.

I have had the opportunity to sample a multitude of their appetizers and my favorite by far are the volcanitos. The presentation of this appetizer is both appetizing and functional. The volcanitos are cornmeal mini-cakes stuffed with meat and topped with cheese. They come with a sweet and spicy sauce that is generally poured over the top of the volcanitos. The meat is always tender and the flavors meld harmoniously in your mouth. The combination of meat, cheese, buttery corncake and secret sauce is heavenly. I would highly recommend this dish, even as an entrée.

The soup at Mexquite is the best tortilla soup, hands down. Don’t let this simple dish pass you by. It combines many familiar Mexican ingredients: shredded chicken, blackened corn, avocado, tortilla strips, tomatoes, Mexican cheese and other ingredients that blend together seamlessly. I would highly recommend this soup to anyone, especially on a cold, fall day.

Eat well and don’t be afraid of new food.

RES

TAU

RAN

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GraduationBY A DISGRUNTLED MATT RAYMOND FAN

Graduation: supposedly the greatest day of our childhood. Nope. It was hot. People were sweaty and loud, and a lot of them were trying to congratulate us. Some numbskull thought it was a good idea to stick us in robes and don’t even get me started on the hats. The ceremony was long and tedious with ridiculous music playing as we walked. Overall, this is an experience I would not recommend. Fail now. Or take an early vacation like Kolander.

EVEN

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For one of our Water-We-Doin' Wednesdays, my acquaintances and I went rafting with a semi-reliable raft. We were pumped to go, but our raft was not.

There was also another conundrum: getting the raft to the water. At first, we thought the docking area at Willow Creek would have electrical outlets to power our shop-vac that blew life (air) into our raft. Alas, our plans failed, as usual. We ended up pumping the raft at home and tying it down to the top of the car. (Read: Cambria did all the work.)

In the clear now, we reached the water– a cutesy, lagoon-y portion of the river. As we got into the raft, there was a lady placing her dog on a paddle board. Seeing the way we were navigating in circles, the lady called out to us, “Watch out for currents over there!” pointing in the direction we had set course for. We slowly (but surely!) proceeded the other way.

Even on the “safer” path, we had to bypass reeds, driftwood, and flying crab limbs. It was an adventure– we went down a path, we encountered obstacles, and in the end, we came home feeling changed. As in, we needed to change our clothes. And shoes. Desperately.

Rafting BY A DISGRUNTLED MATT DAMON FAN

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There’s nothing to say about the word “word.” Word.

WordBY A DISGRUNTLED MATT HARRIS FAN

WO

RD

S 2

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LET’S ALL TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THE GENIUS THAT IS ADAM HUBER.

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After much data-collecting and research, The ZEEN Team of Scientists led by Jenna the

Geneticist (not to be confused with Wolverine Jenna) has discovered a severe lack of

coolness in the world– partly due to global warming, but mostly due to human failures. To

rectify this, they have decided to clone the coolest person in the universe– Natalie

Delgado. The ZEEN sent its finest technological robot, A1 the AI (Artificial Intelligence), to

scope out its target. A1 the AI found Natalie chillin’ in Ireland listening to “all the songs

EVER.” Natalie was intrigued by the sight of this robot and agreed to this interview.

[To ease into the interview process, A1 the AI first asked Natalie Delgado a few “neutral” questions. Her responses are compiled in the “Quick Facts” box at the end of this interview.]

A1: Nurture vs. nature? Which one?

ND: Can I choose both?

A1: Yea. Explain why.

ND: Can you nurture nature?

A1: Sure. And what do you think influences you more?

ND: Nature. Most definitely.

A1: Anything in your life that has reinforced this idea that nature is the driving force behind Natalie Delgado?

ND: Camping. I go camping too much.

A1: What kind of things do you learn while camping?

ND: When you're in a kayak out in the middle of the lake at 3 in the morning, looking up at the stars... You think about life.

A1: That's deep.

ND: It is.

Interview wi" Natalie

A1: So, tell us a funny story from your childhood. Any funny story.

ND: Umm... I was a terrible child. One time, I pantsed this kid, and he was wearing a diaper– and this was like 4th grade, so he started crying. I'm pretty sure I scarred him for life.

A1: Do you see this kid around anymore?

ND: No, I moved.

A1: Was moving a direct result of this experience?

ND: NO! No... But it helped me become the person that I am and not pants kids because I felt bad.

A1: Do you know any accents?

ND: Umm....no. [Chuckles] I was gonna say Spanish ‘cause I'm Mexican, but I can't even do that.

[A1 tries to get Natalie to do some accents but her coolness repelled him away so A1 let it go]

A1: What is your spirit animal?

ND: A bear.

A1: What about you is like a bear?

ND: [Stares at hands]... I was gonna say my hands. But they're not very bear-like. I don't know. I just feel a bear inside of me.

A1: Rage or calm bear?

ND: It's a calm bear. It's like a cub. A bear cub.

A1: Next question, who has the best butt in all of Folsom?

ND: The best butt... Well, there's this ref, that uh, refs girls volleyball. And it was SO distracting. His butt– I was trying to watch the game– and it was just staring at me. It was like there were two of him-- but in his butt. It was really scary honestly. I was a little frightened.

A1: This was the best butt?

ND: I mean, it was pretty... pretty damn round. So I would say yes. I was jealous of his butt. I wish I had his butt, on my butt.

A1: If you had a team of the smartest scientists, what would you invent?

ND: What would I invent?... Umm... The smartest scientists, and is this like anything? [Affirmative] A machine to give me an Irish accent! No, that's not what I want. Umm... I don't know. Maybe some kind of predator. For humans. Because overpopulation, man. We're on the top and it’s fucking everything up.

A1: So you think you can save humankind– actually no, not just humans– but the world?

ND: Could I save them myself? I dunno, maybe if I murdered a bunch of people....I feel like probably not by myself.

A1: So you need that team of scientists and the predator?

ND: Yes, yes I do.

A1: You could become a serial killer.

ND: I could, but it wouldn’t be nearly enough people.

A1: So I’m not sure about this next question because of your previous answer, but if you controlled the world, what would it be like?

ND: I wouldn’t want to be a dictator. But if I just had control of the world...I would...

A1: IF YOU WERE GOD.

ND: If I was God? Those are very separate questions. Hm.. I don’t know... I would probably kill myself.

A1: Too much responsibility? You wouldn’t even do one thing before you die?

ND: WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS... I’d probably try to put responsible people in charge who are very kind and won’t be corrupted easily... which is pretty much impossible. I would like to think I could deal with the responsibility, but I also think it’s very idealistic for someone to think that they could take on controlling the world.

A1: So are people inherently evil, or is it the world that breeds such selfish creatures?

ND: An animal will eat until it’s not hungry anymore but people will take as much as they want and they’re never really content with anything.

A1: We’re going to go deeper now. What is the secret to being you?

ND: Sleep. You gotta sleep like 14 hours a day. I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me but yes, sleep. That’s basically what you do. Sleep. Then homework. Then cry yourself to sleep again. It’s terrible. Stop hanging out with people. That’s how you be me.

A1: Would you allow someone to clone you?

ND: NO, I WOULD BE APPALLED.

A1: But, why?

ND: Because that is disgusting and terrible and anyone who does that is a terrible person.

A1: You don’t want two Natalie’s in the world?

ND: NO. One Natalie is enough. And if there were any more I would seek out and destroy her.

[A1 uncomfortably ends the interview.]

QUICK FACTS: Natalie Delgado’s

Favorite...Word: “Jambalaya… even though that’s a

food”Font: “Comic Sans because I’m classy”Time: “Winter. At

night.”Thing about Folsom: “We have a zoo. That's

kind of cool.”

∞

Unnecessary EvilsBY ANARCHY

• Pants• Bras• Socks• Clothes• Hair• Organization• Work• Lists• Being awake• Pedestrians• Bikers• Laws• Boundaries• Lawns• Gravity• Productivity• Why

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in Hell.

Life

Fictitious NonfictionPre-High School Edition

The Boat FreedomBy MONGOOSE

Seven thousand years ago a girl named Cambria was kidnapped. She had been kidnapped by a guy named Olaf. She had been a slave for seven years. While she was a slave, she was making a boat that could take her home. When it was finally finished, she jumped in the boat and rowed away. When Olaf discovered she was gone, he was mad. Cambria was eager to get home so she rowed harder. She rowed so hard that she flew up in the sky and became a constellation and that was the end of her.  

HOTDAMNBy ANGEEYAM

You can have them mashed po-taters,or candied yams will do.You can eat your green bean casserole,and cornbread dressin' too.Hot rolls with butter, shor is good!,and pumpkin pie's a winner,but please don't eat that turkey meat,when ya have Thanksgiving dinner,oh, please don't eat that turkey meat,when ya have Thanksgiving dinner!Bock, bock, bock, bock, bock.

SUMMER BLUESBy RADISH

Five summers ago, I went to visit my relatives in a small village in India. Being naive, I left my Nikes outside. In less than five minutes, I joke you not, they were stolen and probably pawned off right away. Since my cousin and I had to run errands for my grandmother, I needed some some sort of footwear, and sandals were not an option as the streets were riddled with glass and other biohazardous garbage, so I did what I could– I grabbed the only thing available, which were my aunt's brown, high-heeled stilettos and ran that errand. ‘Twas the most difficult mile of my life, and I got so many stares/glares. It didn't matter though, I looked fabulous, and I knew they were all jelly.

THE GOING AWAY PARTYBy ARAVIND MUTHAFUCKIN VADALI

The sad little man was having the worst day of his life. Actually, it was the last day of the worst week in his life, which culminated in him deciding to make it the last week of his life. He made a big special occasion out of it too, treating it sort of like a party he had to plan. And so, he set about the daunting task of party-shopping. He went to the best balloon shop in the city, and although he didn't buy any balloons, he did buy several of the ropes balloons are tied on to. He went to a flower shop, and completely skipped past the flowers straight to the "Pesticides and Poisons" aisle. He also got a pyrotechnic display ready, several guns loaded, aimed, and set up to fire at the open of a door. It was going to be glorious. He even bought a cake at the bakery, although this had nothing to do with his party; he was just hungry.

And then, something miraculous happened. As the sad little man turned around, frown on face and cake in hand, he saw a child staring at him. Straight in the face. Not looking up. The child continued to stare him down as the sad little man shifted uncomfortably. Feeling awkward at being stared down by someone so young, he politely asked to be excused and go past, at which point the child adamantly refused. Taking the pacifier out of her mouth, she shoved him down to the ground and began to laugh. It was an ugly laugh, the kind of sound a baby makes that is indistinguishable from a cry. But it was unmistakably laughter, as the child laughed and pointed and mocked in the closest semblance of language she could manage.

At that point, the sad little man had an epiphany. For the first time in his sad little life, he had made someone laugh. He had finally been the reason for joy in someone's life, and not anger and frustration. With this newfound realization, the sad little man jumped back up with a new spring in his step, only to get shoved back down again. As the rambunctious laughter continued, the man allowed the child's joy to soak into him as he crawled to a safe distance away and got back up. He looked around him, and saw the world with a new sense of life and purpose, as well as the child running after him with her arms outstretched. The man sprinted back home as fast as he can, only stopping twice to get beat up by the child before she got bored and left, and began to wonder what new directions his life would take as he walked through his front door.

And then the pyrotechnics display went off. It was glorious. ∞

My mother's friend came back from an overseas trip and brought back gifts for us. My favorite happened to be these

tasty little bite-sized jelly snacks called "Turkish delight." Unfortunately, my poor, uncultured young 7yr old self was unaware of the country Turkey, so I proceeded to ask my

mother how turkeys were gelatinized into the snack....

so i was at whole foods looking at their wide yogurt selection like a total douche and this hipster guy says to me in a rapist

whisper, "so you got your thai coconuts eh?" and before i even have time to react he grabs his milk and leaves. WTF.

My late uncle was an enthusiastic eater. When he came over to my house for dinner, he would help himself to our fridge for

something to hold him over before the meal. One of these times, my uncle chugged an unlabeled 2-gallon bottle of

mystery green water. He, at the time, assumed it was aloe vera juice. But, to my mother's horror, it was actually a $100+

medicine for my older sister....

When I was around 3 years old, my neighbor glanced at my house and witnessed a shocking sight: children jumping off the top of cupboards. Alarmed, she hastened to inform my

mother. Apparently at age 3, I was already fast on my way to be a leader as I started a trend among my cousins to climb on

top of the tallest piece of furniture and sail through the air.

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In my old house, my living room was huge and spacious. Naturally, my favorite thing to do was spin myself dizzy

throughout the room. Unfortunately, I lacked to foresight to see how BAD of an idea this was with a newborn baby in the room.

So I twirled and twirled until I dropped. On top of the baby.

As I carried my squirming little brother out of his high chair, I was attacked. By my little brother. He decided I was unfit to help him-- so he bit me. On the chest. Then on my arm. Hard

enough to draw blood.Beware of babies.

I try going to sleep but I cant stop tossing and turning. I fall off the bed, through the floorboard, through the ceiling, through the

earth's crust, through the subduction zone, and finally into the fiery pits of hell.

I just ate a tomato like a fruit and that's how I know my childhood is gone forever.

Got put into a spacesuit type thing and was given a pair of goggles. I'm in a giant metal box. In the corner of the room,

there is a pyramid of weights so I take a pair of 1-pounders and store them in my space-pockets to use as weapons if necessary. Don't know why robot-female-voice "Melissa" chose me for this

experience but I'm hoping its so I could do graffiti in space.Time to do some space graffiti.

SHORTS

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I have a strong moral

intuition.-passing Stanfordian

I’ll flap ‘til I fly.

I don’t have the arms to be bro.

The Land Rover is smaller than our pineapple... I mean

Honda pilot

The armpit is the vagina of the upper-half.

They were hardcore

fishermen who hunted abalone!

QUOTE

PAGE

An octopus would make a very good pole dancer.

I have no heart. Just an empty

cavernous space where I can store the brains I

steal every night.

Do it for science!!!!! Do it for GOD!!!!!!!!!

Tyler Raymond shouting at a football game

I’m sitting on a million studs!

Ugur Nur, wearing studded jeans

He tried grinding to “What Makes You

Beautiful.”

Put a flow robe on so you’re perfectly fluid.

Woman at Empty Bowls

Hamlet is playing chess, everyone else is

playing checkers.

I’m making sacrifices to Satan

this weekend.

Rome wasn’t built in a day… said Lebron James.

If you wanna be Mr. 8, you gotta put quotes.

Free AP Lit advice

I have to wake up tomorrow morning and be [ugh] pleasant.

I came to set the earth on fire.Leaf Jesus

I’m not trying to be a tarsier, I’m just trying to be me.

What’s stylin’

Lauren Martin...100% of the time

Pimpin’ jackets

Objects as hats

Fish costumes

A Quick and Easy Guide for Childhood Success

1. Be a child. The expectations are low. 2. Avoid common childhood mistakes (i.e. taking candy from

strangers.)3. Be an enigma.4. Dress like you’re middle-aged. 5. Learn every instrument, fact, and law in

existence and love every minute of it. 6. Isolate yourself from pollutants, such as

television, other children, and FUN. 7. Pick up posh British accents. 8. Write your own theme song. 9. Never grow up. 10. Be the best, like Pokemon told you to.

How to be a Prodigy

A Scientific Study performed by non-scientific people

THEZEEN

Next Issue: SUPER CHILL.

Coming soon (aka when hell freezes over)