this old haunted house

8/4/2019 This Old Haunted House

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This Old Haunted House

Anyone who knows me well enough, either personally or by reading my works, knows

that I love a good ghost story. While checking out movie trailers for upcoming movies, I saw a

good trailer for a really spooky movie. I went to Amazon to see how others liked it and I wassurprised. One reviewer was so blas and nonchalant that he seemed as scared by this horror

movie as a plumber would be if he encountered yet another busted pipe.

Have we really come that far? Has our society been so inundated with ghost stories,

weird phenomena, and unexplained mysteries that the paranormal has become all-too-

normal? I can see it now (from the comfort of my living room of course).

This week on This Old Haunted House Bob, Dan, and George pay a visit to a house in

Massachusetts. The camera follows three guys wearing flannel and blue jeans. The last man is

carrying a shop-vac. They knock on the door and a lovely lady in her mid-40s answers.

Hello Jane. Were Bob, Dan, and George. You wrote to us at This Old Haunted House

about a pesky ghost problem. Bob states in a friendly, matter-of-fact manner.

Oh yes. When we bought the house it was something that the previous owner forgot

to mention. Jane replies in the same hum-drum tone.

Well, the three gentlemen proceed up the stairs to the back bedroom. In a lonely

corner an apparition starts to materialize as the sun sets. It seems to be a young woman who is

lost, lonely, and distraught. As she catches sight of the three visitors, her face darkens andcontorts in an ungodly, ghoulish manner.

Ahhh.we see what you mean. Bob is hardly frightened. Were not sure if hes even

entertained. We hope hes not suffering from tedium. Well, well let George explain what the

technique is for handling this problem. Meanwhile, the ghost is getting scarier and coming

closer. But do the men care? Nah.


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Its actually quite simple if you have the right tools. George blandly explains. He

switches on the shop-vac which drowns out the ghosts screams and moans. In this case we

use an ecto-plasmic vac with a 450 hp engine. As the ghost raises her arms and lunges, George

simply sucks her up- whoosh!

Or how about tuning in and seeing this?

This week on This Old Haunted House we visit a suburban home in Ohio and help a

couple convert the resident evil into something practical.

Well, Bob, Dan, and George pull up in their handy man, non-descript van and walk up to

the front door. Theyre greeted by a young couple, Dave and Ashley. The house is neat and

trim on the outside, but blood is dripping from the walls on the inside.

Hi guys, thanks for coming. Ashley announces in a yuppie, bubbly manner.

We wouldnt miss this for the world. Dan politely replies. So, your house has a

pretty bad problem.

Yes, there were several murders here in the 1920s and a lot of cult activity. Dave

replies as if talking about a bad paint job.

As they walk into the house, a voice seeps from the walls themselves: get out Im

going to kill you all evil shall swallow you

As you can see, its a pretty pervasive problem. Ashley states. She doesnt look theleast bit scared. In fact, if one had to describe the look on her face, one might say she was

annoyed.

And its in every room in the house. Dave adds.

Now you two have chosen to do something kind of interesting. Instead of get rid of the

evil voice, you want to harness it for something practical. George notes.

Yes, we want the voice to state the time and temperature. Ashley explains.

And if we could get a stock quote, that would be really nice. Dave smiles.

Well for this job weve brought in a special contractor. Dan pipes up. Lets say

hello to Ken.

Hello Dan, George, Bob. Ken shakes the hands of the crew.


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So Ken, can you explain what you have here? Dan asks, genuinely curious.

Sure. I have here a phantasmal animus manipulator, which runs on a 1500 hp engine

and nuclear fuel rods. Oddly enough, this machine also looks like a shop vac.

Thats a lot of power. George respectfully adds.

Oh yes. But it takes just the right amount of control to adjust the evil voices. Ken flips

on the machine. It roars to life.

Can you show us how its used? Bob asks.

Sure. Ken peels back some of the bloody wallpaper and inserts a nozzle. He slowly

turns this knob and then pulls that lever.

Meanwhile, the following can be heard emanating from the walls: get out Im

going to kill you all What are you

doing? The time is 2:34 PM the temperature is 56 degrees Celsius.

Wow thats great! Dan says with mild astonishment.

Well, thats just the beginning. A little more adjustment and we should get stock

quotes coming from the walls. Ken humbly replies.

Next time on This Old Haunted House. Well go to Upstate New York and convert a

poltergeist with a nasty habit of throwing knives into a dutiful lawn mower and snow plow.

Sounds crazy, doesnt it? But perhaps its just crazy enough to come true one day. In

todays mundane, hectic world it will probably be just what we need.

Bfk

this old haunted house

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