Thoughts about Mother’s Day

As I think about Mother’s Day this year I become very

nostalgic. Every spring during my elementary school days, I

looked forward to the day and the order form for our plants for

Mother’s Day came from our local florist. I always ordered pansies for my mom, the ones with purple and yellow or yellow

and brown. I could hardly wait for the delivery day to come, so

that I could present them to my mother. She always received

them with much surprise and appreciation, as if it were a gift she

had never received before or even expected.

As a child, Mother’s Day was an important occasion to

my family. My dad always insisted we wear the traditional

carnations: white if one’s mother was deceased, red if still living.

He would make a special trip to the florist to purchase them. We

would attend church, then drive to a nearby city for lunch.

I remember clearly my first Mother’s Day being “the mom.” Our Anna was only about three weeks old, so I had a

very limited idea of what it really meant to be “the mom.” But I

do remember being treated like a queen and enjoying every

minute of it.

Over the next several years as we raised our two

daughters, my husband continued to affirm the women of our

family. On Mother’s Day he always bought roses for each of his

girls. Anna would get a yellow one. Debbie would get a peach-

colored one. The red roses were for me. When the girls were

young I would receive and treasure their hand-made cards. As

they grew into young adults, their choices in purchased cards were just as significant. Every year as Mother’s Day approached,

we looked forward again to spending the day together as a

family. We would attend church, go out for my favorite brunch,

have lots of conversation, fill our bellies to the max, laugh until

we cried, be silly, and make memories ... That was before…

Then the unthinkable happened. Our daughter, Anna,

died. How could those special days of love and togetherness,

laughter and fun become among the most dreaded days a mother

must face? How could those days that we had once anticipated

with joy and excitement bring such unbelievable heartache and

confusion, loneliness and tears?

During those first few years, we were simply lost. This was new, undesired, and certainly not requested, territory that we

had been forced to enter. What were we supposed to do? How

were we supposed to act? I just wanted to run away or stay in

bed with the sheets over my head. The traditions we had come to

love and enjoy became intensely painful. It became an

impossible task to attend church services or go out for brunch.

Seeing families enjoying their togetherness pierced my heart

with an endless ache. My tear filled eyes burned at the thought of

being surrounded by “intact” families. Feelings of anger and

resentment overwhelmed my heart. On the inside I wanted to

lash out at all those mothers and fathers who were surrounded by all of their children and those sisters and brothers who had no

clue what it would be like to lose a sibling. As the day drew to a

close I felt tremendous relief that it was over. Exhausted, I would

lay silently with my head on my pillow as quiet tears lulled me

to sleep.

The feelings that I have shared are not uncommon in the

early years of grief with those who have experienced the death of

a child, grandchild or sibling. If you or someone you care about

has experienced the death of a child, I offer some suggestions

from those who have been there to help you make it through

this time.

• Realize this day is full of potential for a multitude of

feelings to sneak up on you and catch you by surprise.

• Especially during those early years, do whatever works for

you. This may be a time of being in “survival mode.” Trying to please everyone else can cause undue stress.

• If you have surviving children who want to honor you, communicate your feelings to them. Let them know that

while you are grieving the death of their brother or sister,

you still love them.

• Try to keep things simple and uncomplicated.

• Visit the cemetery.

• You may choose to pretend the day just does not exist and

do something completely unrelated to Mother’s Day. Clean

the house, take a nap, get out of town. One of my

Compassionate Friends spends Mother’s Day at Home

Depot.

• No one bothers her there or mentions Mother’s Day.

• Have a good cry. If you have trouble crying, just stop by a

card shop and read a card or two. Maybe even buy the card

that you believe your child would give you.

• Go to the recycle bin and break glass into the proper

receptacle.

• Know that the days before the holiday may be worse than

the actual day. As with all holidays, be reassured that what you do this

year does not have to be what you do next year. As my

Compassionate Friends and I have found, with proper grief

work over time, the intensity of our feelings has softened. This

will happen for you, as well. In the meantime, be gentle with

yourself. And remember, “you need not walk alone.”

~Paula Funk

TCF Safe Harbor Chapter, Petoskey, Michigan

“Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect.

I can think of no mothers who

deserve it more than those who have had to give a child back.

~Erma Bombeck

Meeting Topics & Info May 1 - “Home Movie Night” June 1 - Balloon Release/Family Picnic June 5 - “The New Me,” how are you different since your child’s death? Newsletter Renewal Time! In a week or so, you should be receiving in the mail your newsletter renewal form. Please fill it out and return it, if you would like to stay on or mailing list and continue receiving our newsletters. If you receive your newsletter by email, and your mailing address has changed, please let us know the new address so that we can get your renewal letter to you! Thanks

Mark Your

Calendar!

Balloon Release-Family Picnic Sunday, June 1st

Our annual Balloon Release/Family Picnic will be held on Sunday, June 1 at the Canyon Country Park (located at 17615 Soledad) beginning at 2:30pm. This is a family event which includes a few songs, poems, and the release of balloons in memory of our children, siblings and grandchildren. Of course, who can’t forget the wonderful food and friendship. Our chapter will be providing the main course, paper goods, dessert and balloons. All you need to bring is a side dish to share and your own drinks. You also might want to bring a blanket or chairs for sitting! YOU MUST RSVP to Diane Briones at 252-4654 or Alice Renolds 252-4374 ( or email our chapter at TCF.SCV@gmail.com by May 24 , SO THAT WE WILL HAVE ENOUGH BALLOONS AND FOOD FOR EVERYONE! Thanks, The Steering Committee

4th Annual

AV Chapter Memorial

Butterfly Release

Sunday, May 18 @ 6:00pm

The AV Memorial Butterfly Release is coming soon and you are once again invited to join them this year. Come and release a butterfly in your loved one’s memory and join everyone for a day of hope, healing, & remembrance. The event date is May 18th at 6:00pm in Lancaster. The program will include poetry, readings, songs, reading of the names of each loved one, followed by the release of butterflies. There are two packages available, $25.00 and $50.00. Please check out their website for further information. Due to the delicate nature of the butterflies, they must be ordered in advance. Unfortunately, orders cannot be placed for butterflies the day of the event. The deadline to order a butterfly is May 9th. For more information, to downloadable an order form, or to pay with credit card you can go to their website at www.avbutterfly.com. If you are thinking of attending please get your order form back as soon as possible, space at the event is limited and does sell out. Remember, 100% of the proceeds from this event go to help the AV Compassionate Friends Chapter (non-profit 501c3).

For more information, please contact 661-839-2849

Jennifer Petty - Event Coordinator, AV Chapter

Birthday Table

Starting with our June meeting we will

be starting something new called “The Birthday Table.” Each meeting we will have a special table set up with birthday decorations where you can celebrate your child’s birthday. If your child, sibling, or grandchild’s birthday falls during that month, please bring any size photo and anything special to them or you to display on the “Birthday Table”. You can chose to share with the group about the items you have brought or just have the items on display. We hope that this will be one more way to help you remember your child and those special memories!

The Steering Committee

expressed caring. Patience with each other smoothed over many rough moments. Time spent alone together was very healing. It took a conscious decision from both of us to try harder. Some days, we didn’t have any energy left when grief was particularly painful. It wasn’t always easy as we couldn’t talk about our son for a long tine. As I look back, I see that ignorance of grief and the impact it can have on a marriage was the basis for our problems. But in retrospect, how could we possibly have been prepared for the onslaught of paralyzing emotions that overwhelmed us? Anguish of this intensity can reveal a spouse you’ve never seen before. Deeply wounded, both of you will be inevitably changed from the experience of losing a child. Back then, understanding these simple facts would have helped us immeasurably.

~Pat Retzloff TCF Oshkosh, WI

Grief and Marriage When our son was killed, I remember thinking through the haze of pain that this most horrifying of life experiences would somehow bring my husband and me closer. Sharing the loss of a child created and loved by both of us for twenty years would surely deepen the bond between us. I was in for a surprise. We clung almost blindly to each other until the shock began to give way to an ugly reality. As we each moved to our individual pattern of grieving, differences began to emerge. I felt like a time bomb about to explode. I needed desperately to talk about our son. My husband refused to verbalize his feelings and became angry at my overtures. I stopped trying to communicate. This was beyond my comprehension. Where was my helpmate, my best friend? I felt rejected, unloved and terribly alone. Anger overwhelmed me as I bitterly realized that I wasn’t going to be able to share my grieving with the person who meant the most to me in the world. I knew that many marriages fail after the death of a child. Dear God, how could we possibly survive an additional tragedy? We attended a few Compassionate Friends meetings and then I continued alone. The gentle acceptance of others who had lost children permitted me to talk or cry without guilt. Our problem was definitely not unique; many other parents expressed similar frustrations. So many couples experience marital difficulties after the death of a child that it is now considered the norm. We weren't going crazy; and just because our grieving styles were different didn’t mean that our whole marriage would fall apart. My anger began to dissipate as I slowly faced the fact that I had been placing unrealistic expectations on my husband. Hurting at least as much as I, he simply could not meet my needs for support. Much later, the knowledge that support had been there all along from my friends-if I had only asked for it-saddened me. I had to admit that I simply had been too proud to reveal myself as a suffering person in need of help. I will be forever grateful to Compassionate Friends for being there with loving, open arms. We began to have some honest discussions, agreeing that we needed each other’s nurturing in order to survive and find meaning in life. We learned to respect each other’s feelings. We tried to please each other in little ways; a hug, a special meal. Anything that

The Gift of HopeThe Gift of HopeThe Gift of HopeThe Gift of Hope

It is the gift of HOPE which reigns supreme in the

attributes of The Compassionate Friends.

HOPE that all is not lost.

HOPE that life can still be worth living and meaningful.

HOPE that the pain of loss will become less acute, and

above all else, the HOPE that we do not walk alone, and

that we are understood.

The gift of HOPE is the greatest gift that we can give to

those who mourn.

~Rev. Simon Stephens,

TCF Founder

Was Received From:

Santos & Carol Aguilar

In Loving Memory of their Son:

Santos Arturo Aguilar, Jr.

5/12 - 2/15

Loving MemoriesLoving MemoriesLoving MemoriesLoving Memories Never DieNever DieNever DieNever Die

Loving memories never die

As years roll on and days pass by In our hearts a memory is kept

Of one we loved And will never forget.

~Author Unknown

Love GiftsLove GiftsLove GiftsLove Gifts A Love Gift is a wonderful way to remember your child, grandchild, or sibling’s birthday or angel dates or just to say I love you. What better way than to have their photo included in our newsletter along with a special memory, thought or message, article or poem from you. If anyone would like to make a donation in memory of their child, grandchild, or sibling you may give it to Alice or Diane at our meeting or mail it to Alice at 27949 Park Meadow Dr., Canyon Country, 91387. You can also email the info to TCF.SCV@gmail Love gifts should be received by the 15th of the month to be placed in the following month’s newsletter. What a special way to share and remember your loved one! Our chapter exists solely on voluntary, tax deductible donations. We thank you in advance for any donations you may be able to give or send. Your donations help to pay the expenses of our newsletter, purchase books & brochures, coffee & refreshments, new member’s packets, business cards, and other miscellaneous supplies.

Memorial

Day

For each grave where a soldier lies at his rest For each prayer that is said today out of love For each sigh of remembering someone who died Let us also give thought to the mothers and fathers the brothers and sisters the friends and the lovers whom death left behind.

~by Sascha Wagner From Wintersun