thoughts thoughts thoughts 19. july. 2012

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I don't know how many times I have to get through this. That shattering feeling, the way you know you can't go like this anymore, you know that you're on the verge of breaking down - the funny thing is that no one doesn't even know how you actually feel because you're to sick of complaining, you don't want to be a burden for no one but yourself. It's sickening me by day. The pain is eating me alive. To be honest, I didn't expect this to happen, at least not this year, not after all that happened last year. It's like this whole disappointment and fear is following me wherever I go, they whisper gently and icy in my ear "You can run but you cannot hide." Yeah - I heard the exact same thing from him. I'm sick. There's no other word to describe it, indeed, I'm completely sick, I cannot sleep, my head is aching, my soul is aching, my heart is breaking (it wasn't even healed… after it was thorn I tried to stick those pieces together, but they didn't last too much). I keep doing the same mistake - or at least I think it's a mistake because nothing good comes from it - by building high, spiked walls to shield me from the fear of getting heartbroken, but it doesn't work, it just doesn't work. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. A part of me keeps pushing me forwards, to keep on fighting, but what should I fight for? And a part of me wants to just give up and move on, because indeed, I'm trying to call my realistic side in for help. I mean, what's the point in teasing and screaming and faking a smile and hiding all this pain in the hope of better days, because let's face it, there's no such thing as FATE, I used to think that's every little detail has it's reason, it's purpose, that it was all a destiny. But what I've learned is that you walk your own path, you have the job to

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Page 1: Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts 19. July. 2012

I don't know how many times I have to get through this. That shattering feeling, the way you know you can't go like this anymore, you know that you're on the verge of breaking down - the funny thing is that no one doesn't even know how you actually feel because you're to sick of complaining, you don't want to be a burden for no one but yourself. It's sickening me by day. The pain is eating me alive.

To be honest, I didn't expect this to happen, at least not this year, not after all that happened last year. It's like this whole disappointment and fear is following me wherever I go, they whisper gently and icy in my ear "You can run but you cannot hide." Yeah - I heard the exact same thing from him.

I'm sick. There's no other word to describe it, indeed, I'm completely sick, I cannot sleep, my head is aching, my soul is aching, my heart is breaking (it wasn't even healed… after it was thorn I tried to stick those pieces together, but they didn't last too much). I keep doing the same mistake - or at least I think it's a mistake because nothing good comes from it - by building high, spiked walls to shield me from the fear of getting heartbroken, but it doesn't work, it just doesn't work.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do. A part of me keeps pushing me forwards, to keep on fighting, but what should I fight for? And a part of me wants to just give up and move on, because indeed, I'm trying to call my realistic side in for help. I mean, what's the point in teasing and screaming and faking a smile and hiding all this pain in the hope of better days, because let's face it, there's no such thing as FATE, I used to think that's every little detail has it's reason, it's purpose, that it was all a destiny. But what I've learned is that you walk your own path, you have the job to

Page 2: Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts 19. July. 2012

sew up your "destiny". Yeah, we pretty much screw up, because we have no idea what's up with this world, it keeps on turning and spinning and we see so many sides of it; we are young and we have the experience of a decade and a couple of more years and that's IT. We don't know what to expect.

And because I've reached this subject, the "expectation"one. As much as I try to keep my feet on the ground, I always escape the "ground prison" and get my expectations high, I told my self so many times before that this could only make me suffer more and more. I never listen. I don't even listen to myself, how could people expect me to listen to THEM. I suck at managing my feelings, I suck at expressing them, I'm a completely sucker. And why? Just because I was raised in a cold habitat, no one ever taught me what to do when someone's crying, no one taught me what you have to say to someone you care about, and mostly, no one ever taught me how to act when you get your heart gets torn into pieces. Maybe that's why all this shit is happening to me, because I have to learn how to handle pain. But man! I've been feeling pain all my life, when will I get to see that's promised light in my life too? People say you have to learn what suffering and hard times mean so you can cherish the good times, the happy times. Trust me, I got it! I've seen it, I can't say I've seen it all, but I know what it's like to grow up in a broken little family, to get a stranger paid to raise you and get so attached to her that now, after all this time, you still call her "mother", to try and hide the shouting in the other room so you can get some sleep but to know that you'll wake up the next day with the same screaming and shouting , to feel alone, to know things that you would give anything to not find out about them in the first place and because of this, that is why I have MAJOR

Page 3: Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts 19. July. 2012

trust issues now, I know what it's like to be disappointed by the last people you thought you would be, to care about people/'so called friends' who won't give a damn about you, to contemplate suicidal thought. So yeah, I've been through that too, but that's the past, I try not to let it affect me, but you learn things even if you don't want to, and even if those days are gone, you're left here with scars and bruises, those don't go… those will never go, and indeed, those scars will get involved involuntarily in your business and relationships.

The only thing that keeps me going is my genuine optimism, the thought that maybe, just maybe, someday I'll get to finally see that stupid light in my life too, and be happy about it. But slowly that positivity seems to fade too… Probably it's because of the situation I'm in now, maybe it's just for a matter of time, but right now, it seems to hold onto some trembled defined threads.

Just because I've got a cold look doesn't mean I'm made of stone, it doesn't mean I can walk through fire. Those stupid thick walls are there for a reason… they are there to protect that fragile little soul, that's been scared so many times before that it had to thicken the walls by the minute.

I'm sick of words, I'm sick of promises, I'm sick of those vain phrases. I don't trust words anymore, I've learned that they are never a guarantee for people's actions, nor excuses, nor nothing.

I feel like I'm going to lose it. And there's nothing there to save me. No one. I feel all so numb and empty. Anger turned into pain, pain turned into tears, tears turned into a waterfall, then came the midnight painful screams and sighs… I don't know, I truly don't know how much this is going to last… I don't even care, I'll let time do everything, do the healing - if there will be one - make me move on… Time… My friend and my own worst enemy.

Page 4: Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts 19. July. 2012

As much as I tried to run from it, I couldn't escape it. Somehow and some way it reached me from behind. As hard as you try to defend yourself from pain and disappointment …you will NEVER succeed. All you can do is delay the events, delay the pain…but you will never eliminate it, it will never go away. Pain is part of our lives…it's who we ARE, it defines us, makes us the people we are, whether we are good people or bad people