to hell and back - anorexia

8/13/2019 To Hell and Back - Anorexia

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November 25, 2011 bySohee Lee

To Hell and Back: My Battle with Anorexia

How It All Started

It didnt take much. He was tall and lanky; I was not. But at 52 and 100lbs, I was far from overweight.All he did was wrap his hand around my arm, and then do the same to his own. An alarm sounded inmy head but on the outside, I didnt move a muscle. I knew exactly what he was doing: he wantedto see if I was bigger than he was. I turned away very calmly without a word and left the room.

The following day began as usual. I hung around my 13 year-old peers, giggled my way through class,and turned in assignments late. Then lunchtime rolled around and I simply sat there. Im just nothungry, I told everyone. The truth was, that friend from yesterday was sitting too close for my comfort.I couldnt let him see me eat.

And so began the beginning of my dark days. As the months rolled by, I continued to skip lunch. Andas I began to drop weight off of my already-petite frame, the compliments started rolling in. Youre so

pretty. Youre so skinny. How do I get a body like yours?I loved it. NoI relished it, and I cravedmore. My breakfasts soon consisted of a few quick bites of whatever was on the table, and dinner wascut in half. My stomach growled on a constant basis, but that only made me feel strong. I have thepower to resist the food; I can do anything.

It wasnt just the eating, of course. As the star of my schools swim team, I was pressured to perform. Iwas also on the varsity cross-country team at the time and my days consisted of long distance runningfollowed immediately by two hours of grueling swim workouts. To that, I added a daily regimen of 200pushups and 500 sit-ups every evening. I felt so accomplished.

Fast forward to six months later, and I was sitting at 92lbs. I ran into a friends mother who hadnt seenme in almost a year. She gasped in delight, cooing over how much more attractive Id become. Youdlook better if you dropped just a little more weight, she said. Maybe another five pounds or so. Myheart dropped. What I was doing was not enough. People were still not happy with me.

Youd look better if you dropped just a little more weight,

she said.Maybe another five pounds or so.

I think something went off in me that day, and I went just a little bit crazy. I cut my food even more, andmy exercise regimen became obsessive. I worked my way up to 300 pushups and 5,000 sit-ups. Ispent my Friday evenings peddling away for a full three hours on the bike instead of hanging out withmy friends like I so often had done. After all, it was the perfect opportunity to burn more calories, right?I was a social butterfly no more. I stopped laughing, I stopped smiling, and my thoughts revolvedexclusively around food and the next time I could exercise. I went from being a mediocre student withthe occasional Cs to straight-A perfectionist. Everything had to be exactly the right way; everythinghad to be planned out in advance, practiced until flawless.

Later in the summer, my family went out for lunch. I was vehemently opposed to this ideaI hadnteaten out in months, and who knew what could happen?but was forced against my will to sit and

eat. I felt nauseated because I could feel the food sitting heavily in my stomach. Im going to gain allthat weight back, a voice screamed in my head. Once we returned home, I walked nonchalantly to the

bathroom and quietly closed the door. I wasnt even thinking. I bent over, stuck my finger down my
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throat, and promptly threw up. I blinked. Then I smiled to myself as I wiped my vomit-stained mouth.Well, that was too easy. And thats when bulimia entered the picture.

I smiled to myself as I wiped my vomit-stained mouth.

Well, that was too easy.

I was shipped overseas a few weeks later to attend summer school. It was the first time I was awayfrom home for an extended period of time. I took advantage of that opportunity, and in my unhealthystate of mind, I delighted at the fact that my eating would not be monitored. I plunged deeper into myanorexia as I stopped eating almost entirely, only wolfing down food every third day, only to throw it allback up. My hair fell out in clumps, and I had long since stopped menstruating by then. I ran for 90minutes every day with no rest. I made no friends that summer. I returned home teetering just over80lbs.

Summer of 2003. I may be smiling here, but inside I was crying out for help.

High School Years

9th grade was a transitional year for me. Entering the high school scene was challenging enough, and

add to that my struggle with food. I continued in my extreme, obsessive, restrictive ways for a numberof months, but then something happened.

My body was royally pissed off at me. I wanted to continue starving myself, but I just couldnt do itanymore. What happened to my will power? Was I getting weak? I felt defeated as I slowly increasedmy exercise even more to compensate for the food I was inhaling. Although I was purging on analmost-daily basis, my face, my legs, my entire body started to fill out again as I slowly began to putthe weight back on. I felt constantly bloated and the shame was never-ending.*

By 10th grade, I was no longer anorexic but the bulimia still loomed ominously overhead. I was back toa healthy weight of 103lbs. I couldnt seem to go more than a few days without binging and purging. Itwas such a vicious cycle: the anxiety-ridden urge to inhale as much food as possible, the panic as I

forced myself to throw up, the vowing to never let this happen again as I brushed my teeth and tried toget the smell of vomit off of myself, the hiding of the bloodshot eyes, the feeling that Id failed only todo it all over again. If I so much as laid eyes on a plate of crackers, I had to eat the entire thing. And
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then Id purge. If I was offered a few Wheat Thins, the whole box would be devoured within an hour.And then Id throw up.

I wanted to be anorexic again, I really did. I yearned for it. But my body had had enough, and thefeeling of my stomach eating away at itself was no longer something I could ignore. The incrediblerush Id once experienced from not eating for more than 24 hours stopped coming. I felt like Id failed

myself because I couldnt make myself stick-thin again. Although Id stopped my daily ritual of pushupsand sit-ups, I still exercised for months and months at a time without taking a day off.

Protein? Carb? Fat? I had no idea what they were at the time, and I had no interest in taking the timeto learn. I thought it was a waste of time and that Id be better off continuing my miserable ways. In mymind, there was no way out. I was trapped forever, and the rest of my life was going to be more of thesame. Dissatisfaction with my body, and consequently, myself as a person. I was never going to begood enough.

When It All Changed

One day during my second semester of 12th grade, I stumbled upon Oxygen magazine. I know its

clich, but where else are you likely to find a flock of athletic, lean women? At first I fell for a lot of thetypical hype out there: eat bee pollen, pli squats only, take X Y Z enzymes, these fat burners, andthis specific protein powder. I combed through The Eat Clean Diet** as though it was the bible andsucked in every word. Id come across something that Id never heard of in my life: you can eat foodand not feel guilty or get fat? You can exercise and actually enjoy it? Id long since given up on theidea that that was feasible, so to read about women who were doing itand doing it wellshook myentire world.

Almost overnight, my mindset switched from starve, run, binge, purge, starve, run, binge, purgeto lift,eat, lift, eat. I spent every minute of my free time devouring information on bodybuilding.com and otherfitness websites. I designed my own training programs (poorly made at the time, mind you) and beganto lift on a regular basis. I cut down on my cardio, increased my protein intake, and was no longerafraid to eat healthy fats. Oatmeal became a staple in my diet, as did brown rice, fruit, chicken, proteinpowder, fish oil, nuts, and vegetables.

Almost overnight, my mindset switched from starve, run,

binge, purge, starve, run, binge, purge tol i f t, eat, l i f t, eat.

I hired an online trainer the summer after I graduated from high school, and the bulk of those monthswas spent adding more valuable tools to my fitness toolbox. I learned about compound movements,proper technique, the importance of rest, and corrected many of my misconceptions about what

constituted proper nutrition.

Since then, Ive undergone two off-seasons to build muscle mass and have made some sizeablestrength gains in the gym. While my journey hasnt been necessarily smooth sailing, I can now saythat I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for some time. Theres no guarantee that I wontfall back to my previous ways. But every day I make a thousand and one decisions, and each time Ichoose to respect my body, I am winning. And as long as I continue to win more days than not, I thinkIll be all right.

Where I Am Now

Today, Im the strongest that Ive ever been, both in mind and in body. Its been a long time since Ive

graduated from the Eat Clean Diet days. Im no longer afraid to eat real food heck, Ill even enjoy anavocado cheeseburger with onion rings (my favorite) every once in a while. In terms of training, Im


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currently aiming to bench 120, squat 200, and deadlift 225 in the next few months. I can do unassistedchin-ups, which is something that Id never dreamed of being able to do. While Im far from being thestrongest girl youll come across, I think Ive come pretty damn far.

Fitness has become my passion. Over the yearsthrough the depression, the breakups, theuncertainty of my life, the dramafitness has been the one thing that I could always count on. Ive

competed in the NPC bikini division (now nationally qualified), received my NSCA certification,attended a fitness entrepreneurship conference, and Ive also become connected to a myriad ofindividuals in the fitness industry. My heart still races whenever I think about lifting later in the day. Iread fitness blogs as I sip my coffee every morning. I get excited when people ask me about trainingand nutrition. I argue with others about the best tasting protein powder out there (Gaspari Myofusionmilk chocolate, hands down). I keep a training log to keep track of my progress and aim to push myself

just a little more each week. I understand the importance of rest and exercise it (get it?) on a regularbasis. I practically live in my workout clothes. Perhaps most importantly, though, Ive fully embracedmy past now and Im not afraid to speak out about it.

Placing 2nd in A class at the 2011 NPC Contra Costa in May. This ones a real smile.

I cant tell you with full certainty where my love for fitness is going to take me at this point. For now, Imdoing what I love to do and having fun. Isnt that that the point? Do what makes you happy, and

everything will fall into place. Thats how I try to live anyway.

The moral of the story here is three-fold. First, I want to reach out to others, share my story, and letpeople know that fit is hip. If youre in a dark place, know that there is a way out. Ive been through helland back, and today I am thriving. Youre not alone. Second, if you suspect that someone you knowmay be struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out to him or her. Sometimes all it takes is oneperson to save a life. Have the courage to be that person. And third, lifting weights is certainly not justfor men, and ladies, I promise you it wont make you big. Ive never felt so confident about my body,and thats all thanks to the iron plates.

Notes:

* You may notice that I never mention receiving any kind of professional helpand thats because Ididnt. At the time, Ididnt even know what an eating disorder was and it never occurred to me that Iwas a victim. Unfortunately, given the culture that I was living in, my behavior was not uncommon and
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so nobody called me out on it. Seeking help would have saved me years of turmoil and anguish. I urgeyou to find the strength to reach out to others who may be suffering; you just may save someone.

** As a starter book, I found this perfectly adequate. Ive even given this as a gift to a friend who wasinterested in becoming involved in fitness. At this point, however, there are many parts of the book thatI disagree with and hesitate to recommend it to those just starting out.

Stay tuned for part II of this article, which will cover the science behind eating disorders.

One week after my show. I should have chosen lighter dumbbells to hold for the shoot!

Bio

Sohee Lee is a National Strength and Conditioning Association (NSCA) certified personal trainer. Sheis currently studying Human Biology at Stanford University and will receive her Bachelors degree inJune 2012. She loves to talk fitness, admires those who can push and pull heavy weights, and lovesher protein. She is currently trailblazing her way into the fitness industry and will shake the entireworld, so look out!

Follow me on Facebook:SoheeLeeFitnessFollow me on Twitter! @SoheeLee25
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to hell and back - anorexia

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