Tonight’s “Team Playbook” Objectives

1.Learn how the family system influences individual members

2.Identify your own strengths as a parent and as a family

3.Identify existing family memory makers and create traditions, rituals and routines that support family values

Healthy Family Systems“Just one way, you do get back home. You

have a boy or a girl of your own and now and then you remember, and you know how they feel, and it’s almost the same thing as if you were your own self again, as young as you

could remember.”-James Agee

Family Environments have significant effect on the child’s:• Emotions• Social Behavior• Cognition• Personality• Character Development• Competence• Self-Esteem

Other InfluencesIndividuality of child & parent

Society influencesFamily position

Change and Loss (illness, death, divorce, etc.)

Gender of child

FourFamily

Atmospheres

Authoritarian

Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the ChildRigid, controlling Tension and conflictDemanding Distrust between parent and childPunitive Hostility toward parentUnreasonable expectations Power struggleAdult-like responsibilities Rebellion by strong-willed childLittle verbal give-and-take Timidness (withdrawal) by milder(parent always right) temperament childParents make all decisions Low self-esteemLittle expression of affection and warmth DependentIdeas, feelings, emotions not expressed Difficulty making decisionsDiscourage independence FearfulLittle encouragement and praise Rejection of parental values and beliefsExcessive dominance by one parent Higher rate of anti-social behaviors

Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the ChildParent avoids exercise of control Insecure, often feel unlovedHigh nurturing and communication Low self-conceptFew rules and guidelines Difficulty adjusting to structure,Inconsistent especially in schoolParents become easily frustrated and give Immature socially and emotionallyup (resulting in the “parentified child”) Little self-controlFew expectations set IrresponsibleLittle structure Lack social skills, consideration, andFew demands for responsibility and thoughtfulness of othersorderly behavior Less willing to live by parentalFew social rules of mutual consideration standardsand sharing Difficulty following rules of societyParents seen more as resource than shapers High rate of anti-social behaviorsDoes not encourage obedience andresponsibility for external controls

Uninvolved

Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the ChildFew rules and guidelines Unsure of or question parent’s loveInconsistent InsecureChild takes over the role of being Seek structurethe parent Immature social and emotional skillsParent is absent or emotionally Difficulty getting along with andunavailable respecting othersFew expectations Difficulty adjusting to structure,Little structure rulesDoes not engage child Little self-controlRisk of little or no attachment Irresponsible Disorganized Less willing to live by society’s values High rate of anti-social behaviors Increased risk of being a victim of abuse/neglect Peers may become major “role models” Appears to have independence

Authoritative

Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the ChildParents are clearly in charge Close family relationshipsFirm, well-defined guidelines Emotionally and socially matureFlexible boundaries Self-confidentHigh level of communication High self-esteemRespect for ideas, feelings, and emotions Achievement-orientedMutual respect and consideration IndependentTeamwork, give-and-take CreativeAccept uniqueness of individuals Leadership skills (may also be bossy,Allow for mistakes or aggressive)Reasonable expectations Secure, fewer fearsDevelopmentally appropriate Cooperative, friendlyresponsibilities Responsible, good decision makersHealthy role modeling Willing to take risksEncourage independence and autonomy Concern for others, service

orientedNurturing, affectionate Happy Remain close to family values and beliefs Lower rate of anti-social behaviors

Today’s Families

• Only 10% represent traditional family of past (single breadwinner, nuclear family)

• 27% are single-parent families• 20% of all children <18 years old live in

stepfamilies• 64% of mothers with children <6 years old

work outside the home

Characteristics of a Healthy Family Develops a sense of trust Teaches respect for self and others Values individual differences Believes in commitment to family Maintains clear boundaries among family members Shares responsibility Communicates effectively Develops problem-solving skills Establishes strong sense of roots and belonging Accepts change in natural and unexpected transitions of life Believes in a higher order in life Recognizes and seeks help for serious problems

Think about your own “family of origin” (your parents and siblings)

• How did your parents show affection and express love to each other?

• How did they feel about work/professions?

• How did they show other emotions, like sadness or anger?

• What were some family strengths? Weaknesses?

• What were their parenting styles?

• What were the family values and beliefs?

• Importance of traditions

• Holiday celebrations

Why study those family patterns?

It is important to realize that our family of origin patterns

are significant to valuing the past

as well as remapping the future.

A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled,

or it won’t take you where you want to go

-William J. Doherty, Ph.D.

Routines, Rituals and Traditions

Routines: the least deliberate and most frequently occurring of family interactions

Rituals: repeated and coordinated activities that have significance to the family

Traditions: rituals that occur less frequently and in conjunction with a particular time or celebration, generally passed from generation to generation

Every family is unique with traditions and rituals unique to

them.

Many families hold dear the same type of traditions and rituals.

The rituals and traditions might differ depending on the family

ages, gender, background, situation, etc.

As traditions pass down through generations, they are altered to fit in with new lifestyles.

From The Intentional Family, by William J. Doherty

• Traditional family focus was on kinship, children, community ties, economics and the father’s authority, with goals of stability and security

• Now the focus has shifted to individual freedom and pursuit of personal happiness and achievement more than kinship obligations

According to Doherty,

As a society, we have set high expectations for family life with little support and guidance in how to meet these expectations.

“The natural drift of family life in contemporary America is toward slowly diminishing connection, meaning and community.”

http://youtu.be/PZsY7p-GNgk?t=1m45s

Wisdom about “TRADITION” from Tevye, in the opening song of“The Fiddler on the Roof”